Segments - 170: Hairy Butthole

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

In this episode we discuss adultery, pornography, and being a man. This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks, Squarespace, and BlueApron! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Uh. Check it. If I were you. Uh. Let's go. Check it. Uh. See, I'm the John Wolfer

rapping y'all in big trouble. Every scheme is so legal, yet so subtle. Get your clam dip ready when the show's on. It's getting hot and heavy. Turn the volume low, mom. Real emails, but fake names fake names advice hotter than the females that jake bangs sports and math amir's two favorite

things jews about to work magic like david blaine fyi if you ever try to stake a claim you'll end up mia like paper planes from ny to la where. Wherever Zoe sunnit I ain't never been But I hear it's lovely If PBS don't pick him up And share they money That would be total bullshit Very funny Like Hitler got the one cool mustache

It's getting real on his podcast Make them say hey. Make them say hey. Make them say hey. It's one of my favorite songs, I think. This one? Yeah. Not the original?

No. Who sang the original Make Them Say Uh? Master P. What does that mean to make them say uh, na-na-na-na? Make them say uh. Uh. Like you're fucking them so good and they're saying like uh. And then is he saying na-na-na-na or is he saying make them say na-na-na-na?

I don't think they're like groaning and then saying na-na-na-na while he's fucking them. I think it's like sort of like make them say uh and then part of just like the song. Yeah, it's saying na-na-na-na. Was that a full-on Master P? It wasn't a cover. Like that seemed like an original song with like a nod to Master P. Yeah, he paid homage to the pupil. To the greats.

But it's honestly futile. We stand on the shoulders of giants. If you want to stand on your clients and call themselves tall. That song was written by Keenan, whose Twitter name is Karuna Powers. K-A-R-U-N-A Powers. Wanted us to give a shout out to that. To his Twitter? I mean, he has a tight flow.

I really liked his flow. His tweets are actually pretty interesting, too. Really? Yeah mean, he has a tight flow. I really liked his flow. His tweets are actually pretty interesting, too. Really? Yeah. Give me a sample. Okay. An example sample. When in Rome, order Domino's. Huh. Pretty funny. Very nice. Eating an egg white omelet is like

eating a sandwich with only crust. I don't quite get it. What's the metaphor there? You get it.'re it's the worst part of the eggs the worst part of the bread not everybody agree because some people like crust but whatever i like yeah i like i dig that one uh saw me banging on the sofa it wasn't me i even had her in the shower it wasn't me she even caught me on camera wait what you're fucked yeah yeah that song there's definitely some holes in the logic of Shaggy.

She even caught me on camera. It wasn't me. I mean, she walked in on you, right? Even if it's not camera, it's like... And then last one. Pit stains are my way of showing the world my shirt doesn't work as hard as I do. Oh, I like that one a lot. That's my favorite.

These date back to April, so I don't know if he's tweeting as much anymore but thank you karuna powers thank you now you better get back on it because we just got him we just bought him a thousand new followers came over he's at 298 right now i'm gonna follow him i'm gonna follow him right he's at 299 right now uh how do i spell it again uh k-a-r-u-n-a powers As in he has Karuna powers instead of like super powers. Got it, yeah. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the entire internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Karuna powers.

Oh my God, it's true. You're a secret hero and now your identity is out. That's right, everybody. This is my Twitter and that was my rap. That's why I loved all those tweets. You got your glasses, right? Yeah. I have them in my backpack, actually.

Did you wear them today? I have not worn them today because I don't really have to wear them during the day. It's only at night, really, that I can't see. Is that true? Well, I mean, it's hard to see things all the time but like is it true you can only not see a night or should you wear them all the time the doctor said i didn't have to wear them all the time oh dude the doctor it's an optometrist it's not a real doctor they are it's a dr in front of it shit well what does he know that I don't? It was a she. You went to the same optometrist.

Sexist. The doctor was a woman. I know what you're doing. You're dipping your toes in the glasses water. At first, you don't want to be the kind of guy that's just the glasses guy. I mean, when I put them on for the first time, it was too powerful. What do you mean? I had to take them off because I could see too clearly.

I didn't feel like I should be allowed to see that way. Yeah, like I have perfect vision. No one man should have super power. You felt like it was too clear, even though you had clear, perfect vision probably for the first 20 years of your life, even more. Right. But then once it starts to slip, you put the glasses back on,

and you're like, no, this is too much. This is too good. I don't need to read the ingredients in the cereal from here it's as if you have x-ray goggles and you're looking at like women undressed and you're like no this isn't fair to them exactly but in fact it was just like no i shouldn't read street signs this clearly right uh did you follow karuna powers i just followed him yeah all right uh so we're gonna be answering real emails from real people wait do you say you like your glasses or not here i'll put them on oh yeah i mean it doesn't this isn't really a it's not a visual i won't really all

right you can i mean it's already happening so you don't really it's just that's for you you know to this is going to be your live reaction okay to my glasses warby parker warby parker shout out even though they didn't pay us uh here we go oh oh oh my ham look at that yeah glasses and a mustache oh yeah i have a mustache right now too for all y'all listening out so you look like a german psychologist oh you, that's nice. You definitely look a lot smarter. Do I? Should I take a picture and put it on my Instagram for people to see?

Is that how you want to debut it? I don't know. Because I feel like the lighting is... We'll take a picture. You don't have to take one right now. Right. But tonight. Yeah, okay.

So by the time this is online, people will be able to see it. Or tomorrow morning. How about 11 a.m. is the reveal? Oh, the grand debut. Yeah. Yeah, you'll debut-taunt. You'll be able to see it. Or tomorrow morning. How about 11 a.m. is the reveal? Oh, the grand debut. Yeah. Yeah, you'll debut-taunt. You'll be a debut-taunt.

Because I'd like to go somewhere to light it. So you want it to be outdoors. Or you want it to be during the day. Well, let's go to the top of Griffith Park or something. Oh, my God. You want me to take a hike with you to the top of Griffith Park? I know the exact spot I want to do it. I don't want to do it anymore.

All right. I'll do it as a selfie. me that selfie stick uh all right so these are real emails from real people i'm gonna uh let's give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity you know because i want to i want to help these people out but i don't need to out them yeah that's fair um all right here we go first one is from a teenager. Who's a teenage boy that you know? A little teenage boy that you like. A young little teenage boy. Teenage boy.

Yeah, yeah, teenage boy. Who's a teenage boy? I don't know if I want to play this game. Come on, Jake. Who's a teenage boy you like? Who's a little teenage boy? Just name this imaginary teenage boy. I'll just name people I was friends with when I was a teenager.

Because you don't currently know any teenage boys. I may have a cousin that's a teenager. I don't know. I don't actually know. All right. Anyway, this one's Corey. Corey writes, hey, guys, I need some advice. I'm a high school student who masturbates on daily, as most boys my age do,

and had come across a bit of a problem. Normally, I erase my browser history after I watch porn. This way, I'll never get caught, even though no one in my house uses the computer but me. The computer is in my room, so it's easy to pull up some porn, squeeze one out, then erase the history within a minimal amount of time. One day, my sister had come home to visit the family, and I heard her catching up with my mom and dad downstairs. I hadn't fapped the day before, so I was aching to do so now. I decided it was safe to do. I decided it was safe to do it because I would have plenty of time before she came up to see me. This was the

biggest mistake of my life. I had finished and I had opened my internet history and before I could click erase, I heard her coming up the stairs. In an act of panic, I left my desk and went to the bathroom to get rid of the evidence. When I came back, she was on my computer. She screamed. She just wanted to check her emails as she ran out of the room. I sat back down at my desk and realized that my history had been left open and I was in complete shock. The worst part was that all the porn I had watched had revolved around brother-sister stuff and anal. I think now she thinks I want to fuck her in the butt. The thing is, I don't. I just watched that video because it was in the new release section,

and I found the chick so hot, so I watched it and clicked on a couple of suggested videos. Now she avoids eye contact with me at dinner and avoids me altogether throughout the day. She is going to be here for the next month, and I don't know what to do. Should I corner her and force her to listen to me? That way I can explain, or should I just leave it alone? What should I do? Any help would be greatly appreciated thanks love cory all right well real quick anytime you think you need to corner someone and force them to do something that's not

true and don't well he just wants to explain right but still he should really corner her before he explains that's when that's when you you force someone into a corner of a room. The worst thing you can do when you need to talk to somebody is corner them. Yeah, so that way they can't escape in two directions, and then you just sort of close off the other. Let's not corner anybody. Part two, I think it's really funny that he was aching to fat because he had gone one day. And also you felt like you had ample time because you thought you had like 30 seconds. Yeah. Ample time for me is like my parents are going to at least the grocery store.

Not my sister is downstairs having a conversation. That's not even ample time. Like somebody who's gone for a weekend, that's ample time. Because I really like to tease it out. This is like Mission Impossible. I'm all about that edging shit. He's all about that door's closing and he's tumbling underneath a closing garage door, grabbing his hat at the last second.

How is even that? He just wants to nut so badly. I feel like you wouldn't find some joy in just doing it later in the evening when you have a little more time to yourself. Or what about doing it in a private location? Like, can't he fap without porn for just this one second? Or take your phone into the bathroom? This one second?

It's like, I can squeeze this in under five seconds. Like, that's not that good. You realize this guy hadn't nutted in 36 hours, though. I also understand being a teenager, that's like... Yeah, that's a long time for him. Him nutting isn't like saying, oh, now I'm not going to jerk off later. He'll just do it several times a day. Well, first of all, my advice, even before this situation, is private browsing.

Oh, yeah, because then you don't have to erase... Yeah, dude, there's incognito mode. There's private browsing. There's ways for it not to save onto your computer locally. That way it doesn't access the cache. It doesn't go into your history. You watch a lot of snuff porn, right? Yeah, but nobody will know because I'm completely off the grid.

Also, what I'll do is load the videos, then turn off the Wi-Fi. Yeah, that way I'm not even attracting a signal. So people can't actually take that data. You are a little too paranoid. load the videos then turn off the wi-fi yeah that way i'm not even attracting a signal so people can't actually take that data you are a little too paranoid i feel like they're intercepting the signal and they can unscramble the binary plug all my devices and i sketched a sketch a little picture of a nude woman then i burn it when i'm done and i and i take the ashes and i wet them and i drink them that way by the time it comes out of me, it's completely indistinguishable. And you, okay, cool.

Dope, man. That's smart. Yeah. That's why I had all that stomach issues from drinking ash. Because you set a lot of fires in the yard. I think you jerk off to sketches maybe too much. I'm starting to just jerk off to the fire. At this point, the fire gets me off.

However, this ship has uh this ship has sailed for this guy the ship has sunk uh so what now do you do you explain to your sister well do you understand are you in this like just because that's the theme of the porn you watch does that mean that you don't actually are into that i understand actually personally i find myself sometimes watching the incest videos because I like... Turn off the podcast, mom? Mom, oh, yeah. Fuck.

Fuck. Oh, shit. Mom, delete this episode. Never can these words grace your virgin ears uh just because like if you like amateur porn and if you like pov porn for whatever reason there's a lot of this i don't know sometimes like you say you're just attracted to a girl and you're not necessarily attracted to the fetish but you want to right see her naked so you watch the video and then of course if you're in the incest mode there's going to be other incest videos and if you find those girls attractive, you'll watch them.

And I've been there. And I'll find the girl hot. And I'll find the way they're shooting the porn hot. And then she'll be like, you shouldn't be fucking me. You're my brother. I'm like, shut up. What are you talking about? That's not the sexy part.

The sexy part is that you're having sex. So brother-sister porn is just regular porn except every three and a half minutes they're like, this is bad because we're brother and sisters. It's bad exposition. Yeah. It's not clever writing. It's too much pipe, I feel like. It's too expository. Not enough pipe.

Yeah. Can we get back to the actual story? so you i guess you're not asking for this advice but sometimes i'll find a porn video that has good sound bites and i'd leave the volume on that and then mute the uh brother sister one wow okay that's yeah now you're really getting you don't want to like be jerking off to completely muted porn but also now at this point you can't tell your sister like it's probably more embarrassing to tell her like no it's not i'm not into incest. I just really wanted to see that particular girl get fucked. Right. Is that better?

No. I think you can't talk about this. Here's what I want to say, though. There's a chance that she, huge chance, likelihood, actually, that she didn't read the titles of the video. She probably just saw a naked person on your screen and ran away oh so you're saying it wasn't like i don't think she poured over this screen being like sit i'm imagining in his mind this is like shot in this like really cinematic jagged way yeah and like there's a crash zooms of like brother sister anal, blonde hair, her blonde hair.

She's like, oh no, this is me. And then you like coming out of the bathroom, tugging at your dick still inside you. Like, oh no, you didn't see this. Yeah. And then you're coming again because this guy probably gets off to his sister. Next thing she knows you're cornering her. Like, it's not wrong. Just let me explain.

It's not wrong. It's not wrong just let me explain it's not wrong it's not wrong turning her around for some reason yeah no you i think you might want to trust that she doesn't she didn't read too far into the videos yeah or you can just gradually drop hints like over dinner and be like i you know i don't like so like i would be eating a Salisbury steak. Oh, Amir, would you or Corey, would you like some A1 sauce for your steak? Yeah, I like A1. I don't like

anal sister brother shit, but I can go for some steak sauce. What's that, honey? I would never fuck Samantha. Okay. Very well. Cool. So we agree. You said yes to A1? Yes, I will take the steak sauce, agree. I mean, you said yes to A1. I will. Yes, I will take the steak sauce, mother. I do want my steak to be slightly more seasoned.

I do not want to fuck my own sister in the buttocks. Now, you go with... The steak is juicy, not quite juicy enough. So I'm going to slather it with sauce. Thank you, mom. And to you, sister, I'm not attracted to you physically. I just hadn't faffed in 36 hours, so I was aching to do so. Where were we? Oh, right. We were talking about... And I'm choking on the steak. Jeopardy's playing in the background. Can we just have one meal without Alex Trebek fucking narrating the whole thing?

That's the dad. The dad's losing it, but for different reasons. I feel like every bite is a daily double for christ's sakes uh so you're saying don't uh there there's a likelihood you didn't see so there's no need to open that pandora's yeah i think sometimes you yeah people like tend to over explain something because it's he's gone into his head and he's being a little neurotic about it. Yeah. So like, let's just trust that she was in her own world, saw something she didn't want to see on her family computer and she went

away. This too shall pass. Yeah. And like, if you're overthinking it, maybe she's not. Maybe you, maybe you just like start acting a little cool and she'll,

you know, she'll act the same way. Or. Okay. Okay. Love this. You find porn that's the opposite of that and make sure she sees that. Oh, leave it open.

So leave it open. Uh-oh, sister, don't catch me looking at. Oh, geez, it's vaginal hetero and they're just boyfriend-girlfriends. Oh, that's my fetish, if you ask me. I'm pretty into that. You know what's weird about porn? There are all these crazy fetishes that I'm not necessarily... Like a cheating fetish I was just thinking of.

It's like, oh, this person's going to cheat on their husband or wife with you. I'm like, that doesn't make me happy to watch. Right. I don't need to see like all you really want to see is the the intercourse yeah exactly so do you is there porn that's just two people hooking up on a third date yeah there is it's called third date hookup well then i mean fuck me finally.com is my porn site that I haven't launched yet. But it's all about just like... I believe somebody took that, right? I think so. I think fuckmefinally.

Oh, yeah. Fuckmefinally right now is a site that somebody built. I think they tried to turn it into a, if I were you, script archive using YouTube closed captioning based on the videos we've uploaded. Really? I can't vouch for the efficacy of the transcriptions, but at the very least they tried. That's cool. So what you're saying that your specific type of porn is...

Just people that you've like wanted to fuck for a long time and then you get to. Oh, like the stars have finally aligned. She had a boyfriend, you had a girlfriend, then the other way around. I think there was like an element of we shouldn't be doing this, the stars have finally aligned. She had a boyfriend, you had a girlfriend, then the other way around. And like, I think there was like an element of, we shouldn't be doing this,

but like not in a, in a legal way or like a really amoral way, but just like, what else is there? Why else would you not want to, shouldn't be doing it if not for illegal or amoral? Cause like someone's going to come in or something like, Oh, we're in a dressing room or like the bathroom at a party.

Right. Like knocking on the door. Yeah. Not necessarily what I was thinking. in or something like oh we're in a dressing room or like the bathroom at a party right like knocking on the door yeah not necessarily what i was thinking but now that i've cornered you i can get out of it i think it might have been cheating porn actually i really fucking get off to that i'm sorry i've got myself in a lie all, so don't tell your sister that you don't want to fuck her. Instead, just don't mention it at all. You could also plant porn on her computer, like incest porn, and then you confront her about it.

And you're like, I saw this porn on your computer. And she'll be like, no, that's not me, that's you. And you're like, I'm not into that. That was just on my computer once. And then she's like, oh, I guess it was just on mine. And then you're like, okay, it seems like a fluke of the internet. And then you guys could hook up. Yeah, I'd be like, oh get that i didn't want that neither did i oh don't hit me oh you're slapping me oh yeah you're getting into it and then like you start slapping because it's like oh get away from here cory oh get away from here

samantha oh and then it's like oh they sort of like have a sibling wrestle like they haven't had in years yeah oh like you're such a dill like have a sibling wrestle like they haven't had in years. Yeah. Oh, like, you're such a dillweed. You're such a bonehead. Yeah. And then like they roll over

and then all of a sudden she's straddling him. Yeah. Yeah. They're breathing a little heavy. The moment hangs in the air. Uh-huh.

Nobody knows what to do. She wants to get off him, but he puts his arm around her waist and they kiss. Finally. Fuckmefinally.com. That's the stinger.

Fuckmefinally.com? Nice. Thanks. Next question. Let's see here. Oh, I need another guy's name. Eli. Right. Hey, guys. oh i need another guy's name eli writes hey guys about six months ago i was transferred offices from new york to ohio it came with quite a substantial raise so after a long talk with my wife it was agreed that i would go but however my wife would not join me she is an only child

and her mother became quite infirm within the last year, but refused to go into a home, so she moved in with us. She was in no condition to be moved, so my wife stayed to take care of her, and I moved. Flash forward to now, and I have been driving back and forth once a month to visit for a weekend, but other than that, I don't see her very often. We do FaceTime every night though. Last week, I was invited to dinner at the house of someone I worked with, along with some other co-workers, including this woman from work who had just gotten out of a relationship. She got very drunk that night and openly and embarrassingly in front of everyone told me that she'd fuck me if I wanted. I was very thrown by this and I told my wife later that night whilst we were facetiming. To my surprise, she told me to go for it. Like, huh? Because I only get to see her once a month, you might imagine that often it is quite dusty in the basement, if you know what I mean. So she told me it was cool to hook up with this woman. Is it actually cool to do this?

I feel like kind of weird about it, hence my email. But my wife gave me a very clear go ahead. Why is she so cool with this? Do you think it's because she may be getting it on with some guy on the side too? I used to trust my wife implicitly, but this has given me second guessing. Anything you guys could add would be great. Thanks, Eli. implicitly but this has given me second guessing anything you guys could add would be great thanks eli this is so weird because it's like he's got this amazing pass and he's you're squandering

this opportunity because he's he's just like wait a minute if i do it wait a minute did you already yeah but like who cares you're allowed like you want to you want to take her up on it like this is cool like why is she so cool with it i guess i want to wait a second now i'm really mad nothing bad has happened yet except she said you could fuck somebody else yeah but is it like his mind immediately went to she's cheating on me is it yeah are you would you give your some someone your significant other pause if she said that i guess i wouldn't i would my i wouldn't be like okay yeah i guess you said you said go ahead wait a second that must mean you're cheap like i feel like i would have a way longer conversation like are you really being

serious do you want to have an open relationship you can't be serious uh you know what i would do i think this is the best of both worlds you do it and don't tell your wife about course yeah that way it's totally guilt-free she doesn't know that you did it yeah and technically it's not cheating and she allows it but like how do you tell that to the co-worker because she's like you tell her the full story you say i talked to my wife and she said that i could yeah the question is will it become weird at work and probably yes of course yeah you were having an extramarital affair affair with a co-worker so that's bad is it an affair though if it's allowed i think it's still an affair if it's outside of the marriage right

i don't know what the definition of an is. We're getting into semantics here, though. That's not the issue. The issue is, what does he do? And it did his wife, I feel like his wife agreed to this because maybe she's just like, it probably isn't because she's cheating on you. I feel like that's something dudes do. I bet his wife is saying this because maybe she feels bad that he is all the way in Ohio alone. And she's like, I'm not giving him enough satisfaction. It could be a test. And if he does it, it could be one of those situations where he's like. Doing it is definitely failing if it's a test.

There's no test where fucking it is. It's a test to see if you got cojones, brother. Do you? Do you have it? Guts. I probably would be too scared to do it still yeah it's it is it's one of those things where like you're it's like you're you asked to do something that was like not uh what's you asked to do something that was sort of like bad and your mom is like yeah you

know what go ahead you right do it like don't find you don't have a curfew tonight and you're like well really because i don't want to get in trouble it's like oh all right fine i'm gonna come home at 11 anyway like in the absence of rules do you still behave yeah well like during the purge i'm probably just at home watching tv just in case the rules are off or I'm checking the calendar wrong. I'm still taking a fucking baseball bat to anybody who tries to come in. Right. And that's guilt-free. The purge. I feel like some people have an internal moral compass that even in a lawless chaos, dystopian or utopian, depending on your definition, it doesn't allow you to act out of turn. Like if murder became legal, would we do it?

Right. How many people would? I had a conversation with my brother actually two nights ago. He started strangling you at the hypothetical. I came up with something that I thought was really wise, and I'm going to share it now. Okay. This blends into a Blue Apron ad.

I told him, you don't have to go to the grocery store, and you don't know what amounts of basil to buy. I told him in life, there are little boys, big boys, and men. Do you know where I'm going with this? Little boys follow the rules because they are told to. Okay.

Big boys break the rules because they say, hey, fuck you. No one tells me what to do. Yeah. But men do the right thing even though they weren't asked.

Okay. That's right. You guys can, if you are on an iPhone, just rewind. Press the little 15-second rewind button twice, and you will hear that golden nugget of knowledge. And it is free? It is free to listen to. It's free the first time. If you want to listen to it a second time, Venmo me.

Venmo me five bucks through textjake.com so two things one why is it two types of boys and then men shouldn't it be like because it's sort of just like that all right boys teenagers and men or something like that yeah but like it's a little more poetic to say little boys big boys because that's sort of like the are you a little boy are you a big boy i a man. I feel like there's three and you're saying the first two are like little versions of each other. And then there's a man. Right. It's like there's boys, there's little men, and then there's big men.

No, no, no, no. That's absurd. It's little boys, big boys, and men. I know what you said, but I'm just saying. I am the artist of this saying. I mean, I'm not the first person to say something like this. There's other ways to... Obviously, I am the best person that has ever said it.

Yeah, I mean, it's like songwriting and poetry. These are the words that I chose to express myself, and I think they're perfect. And, you know, clearly, you've got an issue, and I wish you'd grab a tissue. No, you can make it. You can put your own spin on it. You want to categorize it a little more than I did.

I want to say, in life, there are birdies, there are giraffes, and then there are little boys. Actually, I like that a little bit. It's kind of like drugs. In the beginning, you don't smoke weed because it's forbidden. That's a little boy. If you're pretty cool, you start smoking weed. Now you're a big boy. But then if you're really, really cool, you're like, oh, I don't like smoking weed.

I don't like what it does to me. I actually don't like it. Now you're a man. Yeah. Well, see, actually, I think this is where I came up with it. Were you high during this? I was stoned out of my fucking yeah you were baked i was waked and baked you had a wheat thin that night you had a munchie

i had a weed thin you ever do weed brownies me and my brother made weed wheat fins weed thins you know when you're talking to a kid it's like hey are you being are you want to want to be a little boy or a big boy little boys i'm gonna have to change your diaper a big boy you go to the potty all by yourself yeah it's like that and if you're a man you get your own freaking diaper yeah and i'll shit where i want i make money so i buy depends and i shit in them while I'm driving. A hot, hot burrito snack for later, I say. So, how does this relate to this? Oh, because if you're a man, you wouldn't do it just because of your own internal... Yeah, like, in an ideal world, you just don't want to cheat on your wife, even though she gave you the go-ahead. Yeah, I wonder if that's true. I guess that's, like,

why the test is in place that's why we're yeah do you not cheat on your wife because of how she'll react or do you not cheat on her because of uh you or own uh you feel like that would be uh disrespecting her implicitly yeah like your penis sort of belongs to her at that point right i think I think, I mean, when it comes to cheating, at least for me personally, it's never about like, I can't cheat because my heart will stray. Right. I can fuck a million people and not feel anything for any of them. That'd be awesome.

You can fuck a million people? Yeah, dude. In a fucking row with no break. In a row. Like, that's how they're geographically located not like time wise in a row oh no i would have to take a week and a half off yeah a million weeks seven million days how long do i live for but i think it's it's also wrong to say like the only thing that keeps you from cheating is that somebody will get mad because it's not necessarily just about that person being mad it's also wrong to say, like, the only thing that keeps you from cheating is that somebody will get mad. Because it's not necessarily just about that person being mad. It's about, like...

It's not about the result. But, I mean, in a way, it's kind of just like, yeah, you know, you don't cheat on somebody you love because it would hurt them. But it's not like, I don't want to cheat on someone I love because I'll get in trouble. Right. It's the actual, like like emotional damage you're doing. Yeah. And for me, it's mostly about like,

I, I think if I ever cheated on someone, I would feel it's like, I'm so nice and that I don't cheat, but then it's for a personal reason because it's like, I would feel too bad and I wouldn't be able to handle it. So like, am I still being just as nice as a guy who doesn't cheat because they think that they don't want to hurt their significant other if my reasoning is flawed?

Right. So it's selfish why you don't cheat. Yes, exactly. No, but that's not true because you're like – I think that makes you a better person. If you don't cheat because you would feel bad during it yeah you're definitely a better person because you're way less of an actual risk like i don't cheat because i would make the other person feel bad but every once in a while i stopped caring about that and that's fine for the night yeah fine for the night fuck being polite i'm saying so if I were you, I would not do it because I'm a wiener man.

I'm a scared little wiener boy. And if I were you, I wouldn't do it because you don't want to fuck with the relationship that you have with your wife. So you wouldn't do it because you're a man and I wouldn't do it because I'm a little boy. I guess so. But also, full disclosure, I already have done it. I have fucked your coworker. I probably would do it if given the green light. Fuck it.

I'll even take it. I'll speed through a yellow. Since I'm a therapist on the matter, I would say I think it would make your life worse to do it. But I think if you put your glasses on, I would respect your opinion a little bit more. Okay. Here we go. And I'd feel too guilty what oh my god oh wait that's the only difference between i want a fucker don't do it do it oh my god those glasses

you're like ask me a math problem uh 14 times 14 uh 188. That's close. Really? It's 196. It came up last episode and I didn't know it, so somebody tweeted that at me. 14 squared, 196. Of course. Of course. Now we know.

Let's take a break. We'll be right back with more questions. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do.

Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Enough, yes, of course.

You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. We slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks DraftKings. We have a new show to announce. Whoa. We're going going back back to Cali. Cali? Yeah.

We're doing a show at Irvine. Nice. Yeah. Southern California. Our first show in Orange County. Hell yeah. At the Irvine Improv. When is that?

On I believe October 14th. Solid. It's going to be our first show in Orange County. Improv on, I believe, October 14th. Solid. It's going to be our first show in Orange County, our first in a while in Southern California. So if you're around SoCal and you haven't seen one of our live podcasts, it's a big, cool theater, 500 seats. Oh, my God.

Wait, are we selling tickets? We are selling tickets. Oh, then we should really try to sell it. Yeah. Okay, go. Okay. Hey, come. Yo, we are going to get fucked up. We are going to have fun. We are selling tickets. Oh, then we should really try to sell it. Yeah. Okay, go. Okay. Hey, come. Yo, we are going to get fucked up. We are going to have fun.

We are all going to rage. We are going to roll face. What are you talking about? I'm going to hand out little packets of Molly for everybody. Fuck it. If I can't sell tickets, I'll sell drugs. I'm not even doing a show. Come to the Irvine Improv and I will sell you a weed.

Fuck it. Me and my brother making wheat-thin weeds. I love that. Our last couple shows have been so fun. We were in Australia. That was crazy. We were in Montreal. Thomas Middleditch joined us there.

Maybe we can get a special guest to come out in this episode. Oh, man. Who knows? It is in Los Angeles. Now we're going to promise and not be able to deliver. Not promising. We're just saying that's an idea I have. It might be fun if we do get one.

Yes. So if you're at, in or around Irvine, or Southern California in general, Wednesday, October 14th, you can go to the irvine.improv.com to get tickets for that show. Yeah, come on. I'm also doing a one-act show, a one-act play, a reading.

Whoa. Yeah, later that night at 2 a.m. in Ontario. Ontario. It's a much smaller coffee shop. After it closes down, I break in and I just start reading some of my own shit, actually. Can people go? People cannot get in, no. It's closed to the public.

I periscope it. I live stream it. Oh, that's another thing we wanted to do. Facebook allows you to do live streams now. Yeah. We should get into that. We're going to,

this is a reminder. You guys can hold us accountable. Yes. Uh, we're recording this on a Sunday night. This episode is going up in a couple hours. Uh, I don't know what that means to you.

I don't know if you want to say something or announce something what do you want people to know tomorrow Monday August 24th tomorrow I'm going to do you and I are going to work out in the morning so maybe if you're listening to this we're working out yeah

you and Amir are doing a deck of cards workout you guys can all do it with us which is something your brother taught you. Yeah. I might have told this story on the podcast, how the first time I did it, I threw up. Right. It's just like every suit is a different exercise. Yeah.

So you have a whole entire deck of cards. You shuffle it up. You assign a different exercise. Hearts are squats. Hearts are squats. Diamonds are burpees. uh-huh and then like each thing is a is a value obviously so like the ace is 14 right and an eight is a six and a four is a nine and so on and so forth so uh so you turn over a card and you just, whatever, work out. You do it.

Yeah. And what does it add up to, the 1 through 14? You ended up doing like, what, 60, 70 things of everything? Oh, I have no idea. But whatever it is, it's like fucking really hard. You get drenched with sweat. It sounds like CrossFit. It sounds dangerously close to CrossFit.

Yeah, but CrossFit's like all about maxing out too. Yeah, like doing weights. You don't max out with any of this. Do you use weights or are you just using your own well i think tomorrow we're gonna use the 25 pound dumbbells for the squats oh that's a weight yeah we don't have 25 we only have 30s oh even better even harder so maybe we should do uh five sixths of the number that way it's like we're doing 25 pounds no let's just beast it all right i love that uh head gum i think we're doing 25 pounds. No, let's just beast it. All right. I love that. HeadGum, I think we're going to add some new podcasts to the network this week. Oh, so I was just talking about our exercise.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. We're adding new podcasts to the network. I can't be for certain, but if you go to headgum.com and see a couple new shows, you're not freaking out. We're expanding our family with some awesome new content. So if you're bored after this podcast, there's always more episodes on at headgum.com. I think David Young was on Streeter's Talk of Shame.

Oh, I haven't listened to that yet. We'll put a little clip of that at the end of this episode. It was really funny. He has one story about meeting Dave Matthews, which I think you would really like. Oh, really? Because he gets really, really nervous about meeting dave that's so funny are you have you dave have you and david young talked about your love of dave matthews i know i didn't know that he loved dave matthews yeah

he says it was like his his most influential and best musician of the 90s wow yeah that's really amazing that's why he was named david of course yeah that makes sense he did change his name to dave uh yeah all right uh shall we answer one last question yeah last one but then we really really have to eat i'm so hungry dude i'm so hungry oh you're crying yeah i'm not stalling uh i am just crying um which one should we read uh oh here's one all right another dude's name ricardo that's one of your friends yeah sure, sure, why not? Ricardo writes, I've always loved eating pussy.

And like Jake, I enjoy a good rimming while I'm down there. That's licking the asshole in case the phrase doesn't travel. Thank you, Ricardo. My girlfriend enjoys this too, but there's one complication. Her asshole is kind of hairy. Not dirty or stinky, just a bit hairy. Her pussy is totally Hollywood, I might add. She waxes

on the reg by her own volition, but because she waxes herself, believing salons to be overpriced here in London, she doesn't complete the job front to back. It is by no means a deal breaker, just smooth skin feels better on the tongue, anus-wise or other. She's kind of sensitive, and it's her body, so I'd rather broach the topic in a subtle way rather than making her feel pressured to do anything she doesn't want. She hates the pain of waxing, so I've offered to do it for her, which surprisingly she's up for. But even then, I think flipping her over and tending to her ass might embarrass or upset her. If you were me, what would you do to try to move towards a less hairy, rimming experience?

P.S. I also wanted to positively review the text Jake experience. Was just one purchased text and a little embellishment. I went from silent treatment to O-face with a previous lady in my Tinder days. Ha. Ha. I'm in. Are people still texting Jake? At a slower rate, but...

It's still coming in. Yeah. There's been a couple times where I was like, maybe we should stop doing it because it's not like... I don't know. It's kind of hard to keep up with. Right. Because there's still like five to ten a week.

And I have to answer within 24 hours. And apologies to some of y'all because I don't always get to do it. You're only one man uh but yeah i mean like you owe it to society yeah because every like every once in a while every time i'm thinking i don't want to do it anymore somebody sends a question that i'm like damn i like i'm really happy i got to weigh in i'm happy i got to influence this you saved somebody yeah and i mean with this I got somebody laid. That's great.

What a fucking amazing power. That was without your glasses. All right. So this dude, Harry Butthole, ever experienced something like that? Yeah, I think so. Definitely, yeah. I mean, because he's saying it's not even like Harry. It's not like Harry, overly Harry. Right. It's just a little hair, because he's saying it's not even, like, hairy. It's not, like, hairy, overly hairy.

Right. It's just a little hair, and he doesn't want anything. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, I've never had a hairy butthole for more than a couple times. Like, it's, like, this, it matters. Tell me who had a hairy butthole. I'll tell you after the podcast.

But there was a hairy butthole. Mouth it to me. Who? Say it louder. I can't read lips, lips fucker i clearly whisper it audibly hold on let me let me let me think of a name that uh someone that i've never it couldn't be like possibly so i can finish this bit um so like ask me who did it it's like just mouth who was it just mouth it alicia alicia yeah nice uh so you did date an alicia for a year yes but she had a completely barren asshole but what i'm saying is if it's just a hookup it doesn't quite matter but this is like a real relationship a girl that you have to revisit so it's's a bigger deal. I was going to suggest what

he did, which is offer to shave her, and then he can just do it himself. I feel like that's not embarrassing if he's like, oh, look what I just found. I guess one thing to consider is that she's like, I don't think it will embarrass her because one, she did say that she wanted you to wax her. Two, you already spend time licking her asshole. Right. So it seems like she won't be totally averse to you being near it. And I think maybe the way to do it is not by saying, let's wax your asshole. Maybe you just say, like, let's do, like, a Brazilian, which is the buttocks as well. And maybe she'll know that. Yeah.

Maybe you can be like, all right, done with the front. And now to navigate the thicket that is your butthole but she you also he doesn't you don't need to like full-on flip somebody over if it's just the butthole you could just you know do a little bit of wax drip down yeah and then you say the change should i uh should i wax or use a machete to get through the rainforest that is your anus i mean my god i also think that if you are so into the butthole that you want to lick it that a little bit of hair shouldn't throw you off the way it is uh maybe a little bit of hair or maybe it's more than a little bit of hair and

maybe it does if everything else is barren a hair in the butthole is worth two in the stink. I mean, like, I don't care about hair, I guess. Oh, either butthole or vage. No. You're calling this guy out for not actually being an ass man. I just don't think you're a true ass man. Well, I mean, a true ass man will navigate through. A true fan will actually deal with the hair situation. I just don't want to body shame or hair shame anybody.

That's a thing, or maybe not, but it could be. And I feel like that's, I don't know. I mean, I'd walk through sand to watch a football game. So this guy should have to deal with this hairy situation to get to his promised land. I'm sure, yeah, there's not hair on the actual rim of the asshole, which it seems to be what you want to lick. No.

You ain't licking it right. I guess I'm not sure I've ever given a rim top to somebody with a very hairy asshole. I think I have. Probably have. Mom, you did not listen to the podcast, right? Okay, good. So I can just continue to tell you not to listen or not because you did not listen to the podcast right okay good this so i can just continue to tell you

not to listen or not because you're not listening if you are listening i'll stop uh and i'm sorry uh have you ever had a sandwich with bean sprouts yes okay so you know how sometimes you take a bite out of it and what pulls away is this tuft of sprouts. Yeah. So let's say this guy is down there. Perhaps he can take a little. You're asking him to bite off her ass hair? What are you talking about? I didn't even get there yet.

But you, were you not going to say that? Yeah, I was going to say that, but don't steal my thunder. Oh, no, that thunder's all yours, Doc. So you're down there, right? And what you do is you bite off the ass hair. This is illegal. You're the butt man. That grosses you out?

Biting off someone's ass hair? Yes, that grosses me out. Oh, God forbid. Are you kidding me? You prude. You're a prude dude. You're a little boy, a big boy, and a man. I did have my brother pull out my back hair this week, actually.

One by one? Yeah, he yanked them all out. With his teeth, actually. Yep. So I understand that it's hot. Don't get me wrong. I'm into the incest. I'm into the teeth pulling.

Is there brother-brother gay porn? Probably, right? Yeah, probably. If there's brother-sister regular porn. Yeah, probably. I haven't ever gone down that rabbit hole, but I bet it exists. Yet. So this guy, I'm going to say, if I were you, if you're already waxing her and she feels that comfortable with you, I feel like you can either do it without telling her or do

it and say, let me flip you around and get the little hair that you have left down there. You don't have to say it's butt hair. It's like, oh, it actually keeps going. Right. Who's to say that it's butt hair? Can I get this too? Yeah. I think there's a way to downplay it. That true i also think you could maybe do like i'm too

nervous i can't wax you but i want to like pay for you to get a really nice wax because like it's painful probably to do it by yourself like get a nice professional one yeah and then maybe that's a nice little compromise because you are if she wants to wax but it causes her too much pain but she doesn't want to go to a salon because it's too expensive then you say i will pay you to go to a salon because i enjoy it so much i don't want you to feel any pain and then when she's at the salon you say you slip the waxer at 20 you say uh why don't you get rid of Ursa Minor while you're at it? I think that's... Don't forget the Panama Canal. That's a version

of it being okay. It really is complex because you can't be a person who demands somebody do that. Yeah, because waxing is a painful experience and getting your asshole waxed, I wouldn't do that yeah because like waxing is a painful experience and getting your asshole waxed like

i wouldn't do that for anybody right would you do that for someone to wax somebody's butthole no would you have your asshole waxed if your significant other was like hey i love licking your asshole but i want it to be bare can i'm already doing you a favor by letting you lick it you want to do that i think i'm going i'm backtracking fully i don't think you can ask somebody like one can i lick your asshole two can you painfully remove all the hair from it so i can lick it uh if you like but if you like getting it licked then it's like oh that's your payment right so it's like oh you'll lick my butt i'll make sure it's clean i guess it's one of the it's like, oh, that's your payment. So it's like, oh, you'll lick my butt. I'll make sure it's clean. I guess it's like the pure heart rule, the expectation. If everybody's good with it.

If everybody's happy. If it makes you crappy. Oh, nice. I like that. And why are you so smooth? All right, that's it. Let's get the fuck out of here. We've got to get out of here.

But I'm going to toss and turn with this tonight. I'm not sure. This one's going to keep me up. It's like a doctor thinking about the patients that he lost if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions like karuna powers and like uh eli and ricardo uh send them all over to if i were you show at gmail.com we also need facebook thumbnail submissions also if you're at your computer and you're feeling extra helpful, why don't you subscribe to our show on iTunes? Yeah, that

still goes a long way. Yeah. Rating and leaving us positive reviews is super, super duper helpful. So if you've done it, thank you guys so much. We have over a thousand positive reviews, which is great. But the more the merrier, you know, if you're not doing anything. We'd hate to inconvenience you in any way.

That's it. Same time next week, everybody. The opening theme song, again, was written by Kenan, a.k.a. Karuna Powers. And this closing one is from Nick and Chris. Good night, everybody, and have a pleasant Thursday. Gracias.

Monday, I meant. One, two, one, two, three, four. Once I killed a dog And then the dog had sex with my girlfriend So I emailed Jake Then I thought I'd email Amir Jake and Amir Jake and Amir are here

to tickle your ear and then to fuck your soul into clarity into clarity if I were you into clarity if I were you Into clarity If I were you

Into clarity Basically, we closed the door. We knew her dad had a key um to your room to both of the rooms we didn't like close the door or anything we were just like let's go we were just stupid so oh no no that's not true we did close the door and he had the key to both of the rooms so we flynn remembers it as we closed the door to the bathroom to, like, we didn't use the thing on the hotel door. The latch. The latch. We, like, close the door to meet up with the entrance door.

Okay. So you almost tried to, like, wedge it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, like, we closed the door so it was locked, but then we put something else there so like if he opened it it would like bump into the bathroom door so we uh and on top of that flynn said like do you want to take a shower and like of course why not take a shower so um we get in the shower start you know kissing yeah and get it on what else all kinds of stuff flynn this is a mistake let's go back to dave matthews

keep talking about your wife so uh we started doing it and um my this is i'm missing parts of the story. My luggage hadn't come yet either. So like I didn't have any luggage at that point. So I, the clothes that I took off to get in the shower were the clothes that I had to wear until I got my clothes. Um, I don't know what happened to them, but Flynn remembers that very vividly. So we moved from the shower to the bed. And as we start hooking up on the bed, things grow very quickly. And, um,

we started doing it. Yeah. And, um, almost instantly once, uh, upon insertion, um,

there's a knock at the door. It's her mom and dad. And they're like, Hey guys, guys guys can we come in that was a hate gum podcast