Segments - 172: Airplane Romance (w/Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: September 7, 2015

Friend/comedian/fellow HeadGum Podcaster Jon Gabrus joins us to discuss friendship, fire, fitness, and flying. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No.

If I were you, if I were you. If I were you, if I were you. If I were you, if I were you. If I were you. God, where would you guess that guy's from? He's not from America. Canada. So sure.

That was actually Joe Kim from Sweden. Joe Kim from Sweden. Thank you for writing that love song, I think, to our podcast. Yeah, well, I pictured you guys singing that to each other. Honestly, that was way too earnest of a recording for a podcast. That upset me how serious that dude just took it. Joe Kim, great work, but just write your own music. You just wrote, you worked that hard

and developed that song for a fucking podcast. Imagine me laying up. He went for broke with the lyrics. Not the lyrics. I wouldn't know if he went for broke with the lyrics. He just said the title on the podcast He kept a lot of money

What's the opposite of going for broke? He kept it rich For the name, the lyrics But thank you Joe Kim for submitting that song John Gabrus Amir Blumenfeld And Jake Hurwitz I should have let you guys say it this is uh second time on the show

first time as a podcaster on our network yeah i'm here solely to network i don't know i'm here i'm here just to get listeners hey guys if you're listening to whatever the fuck this show is called if i were you hang up is that a thing hang up right now It's got a phone. Log on to High and Mighty Podcast. Connect to my FTP server and listen. Spreaker.org. You don't know things. Thank you, Spreaker.com, for free hosting. Nice. Now, please check out High and Mighty Podcast.

All right. Thank you. That's it. We're ready. Tune in next week. Joe Kim comes back. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.

Joe Kim is a blind Italian man, right? Opera singer. You guys are going to have to stop when I adjust the levels. That was supposed to be surreptitious. It wasn't supposed to be part of the show. Oh, it was a major part of the show. But you then also brought up the fact that you changed levels, called us out for stopping. You've officially made it part of the show. Oh you then also brought up the fact that you changed levels, called us out for stopping. You've officially made it

part of the show. Oh, man. Is this the show? Is this what the show is? If I were you, I'd just fucking change levels and keep my mouth shut. Yeah, bitch.

You are fucking coming to play, dude. Hey, this is also my studio now, motherfucker. I'm not visiting. We're equals. You don't own the network. Oh, wait. Never never mind you're getting applesauce on the microphone this is not it was apples originally every everything you eat is applesauce you're never swallowing a whole apple that's my dimitri martin joke you can never have an apple you can only have applesauce it may come you may carry it around have an apple. You can only have applesauce. You may carry it around as an apple,

but you turn it into applesauce in your mouth. Especially on the way out. How do you like your show? I hate it. I hate my podcast. I can't listen to it. It's boring. Only three episodes deep, and you're done with it.

I can't believe how much I love talking. I mean, I know how much I love talking, but I can't believe. I would put my shit out twice a week if I could. Why can't you? I think I have a feeling why. I can't, honestly, I don't know if anyone's ever talked about this on an If I Were You, but Jake and Amir have a lot of steps that lead up to the studio. Oh, no, we haven't actually.

Yeah, there's a lot of steps that lead up to the studio. Oh, no, we haven't actually. Yeah, there's a lot of steps that lead up to the studio. I think that's the number one thing preventing me from recording twice a week. Oh, really? Just the stairs. Yeah, I can't come to any parties or anything like that just because of the stairs. You were not at our party. Yeah, it's prohibitive. Those stairs are prohibitive.

I see why you did that. To keep you out. To keep me out. Specifically, we've got to get this place. It's the only thing that'll keep Gabrus from just wandering into our house and going through our picnic baskets you haven't released your taco bell episode right no i haven't so you've released three episodes so far the first one is just me and jake and you talking about what the show will be right and we don't land on anything can't be more clear it's like a charlie kaufman episode

the second episode is you talking about Predator with your friends. Yes, me talking about Predator with Ben Rogers and Ryan Stanger. And then the third one was you giving sex advice with your other friend. With my other friend, John Flynn, Ron Lothario. And then when does this episode come out? Like a week from Monday. So you'll have the fourth episode, the Eugene episode. And I think the Taco Bell one might be out.

Oh, yeah. So by the time you listen to this, I should have my fitness episode immediately followed by my Taco Bell. Sex, then fitness, then Taco Bell. If that's not my trifecta, I don't know what is. Which kind of says it all. Yeah, that's all you need. Fuck lift weights, eat gord gorditas that's what my tattoo hashtag life goals when you know yf when you when we were on your show you were talking about how

you wanted to get into better shape yeah has that happened uh yeah oh yeah yeah i mean i'm jack now oh really yeah for all the listeners at home i'm shirtless and ripped gabrus is in lifeguard shape all over yeah i'm in a speedo doing burpees whenever i'm not talking i'm serendipitously i can't even say it word nice say it again serendipitously no surreptitiously surreptitiously i'm surreptitiously doing uh burpees whenever i can i'm having fun here guys no we're having a good time but you know what this show is it's an advice podcast yeah i've been on it. No, we're having a good time. But you know what this show is. It's an advice podcast. Yeah, I've been on it. Yeah.

So we're going to be reading real emails from real people, dispensing our wisdom. Yeah, because you've lived like what most would consider a full life. You've lived a normal full life and you're willing to give advice. You've never seen the film Top Gun, right? I have seen Top Gun, actually. I haven't. You haven't? Yeah. Okay, then you're not allowed to give advice you've never seen the film top gun right uh i have seen top gun actually i haven't you haven't yeah okay then you're not allowed to give anyone advice you haven't seen top gun you haven't seen top gun i guess you can give advice to like a fucking kuwaiti national but you can't give advice to americans if you've never seen all of your advice

should be prefaced with well i haven't seen top gun but this is what i think but here's how i treat acne i don't know who ice and maverick are per se ice man come on what's your next predator uh type movie gonna be i uh there's a toss-up we're talking either blood sport or commando we will get to all three and at some point i have to do a special episode about my favorite film of all time Big Trouble in Little China but I think that's gotta be special I'm trying to get someone to watch that movie yeah I'll wait until episode 100

which should be in a week or two we're gonna be doing two a days like you wanted two a days hey guys Gaber's just putting out three and a half hours of content a day about action movies there's like five people in the world that care about this and one that has the time to do it. It's him, Gabrus. All right, can you give me a fake guy's name for this first question?

Sure, how about Wraith? Ooh, Wraith. F-E or T-H-E? Let's do F-ave a few days ago i was on a flight to london and i got on the plane and sat down next to an absolute dime i opened up the conversation with some terrible joke about the in-flight menu and somehow we got to talking i feel like we really hit it off there were a few times where she gestured to her ears as if they were hurting due to weird pressure and i asked her if she wanted to nap or not talk when we landed and she replied that she enjoyed talking

too much to stop and then we had a giggle after we landed we uh we were close to leaving the plane and she saw me take out my phone and told me her name on facebook and to add her also when we almost left the airport i gave her directions to the nearest train and she gestured to her cheeks for a true French goodbye. Anyways, it's been two days since I added her on Facebook and she hasn't replied yet.

I don't really know what to do as this doesn't happen to me often. Any ideas? P.S. If she does respond, how do I ask her out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Love Ray. This guy's where?

He was flying to London. I don't know if he's British or not, but he sat down next to a lady who asked him to add him on Facebook, and then she just never replied to him. She was French or something? She was French, yeah. Oh, got it. She gave that double cheek kiss.

Yeah, it's funny that they call French kissing in America, it's like with tongue, but in actuality They give you a true French goodbye, you know, that's where you bend over and she puts two fingers knuckle deep in you. I constructed this really elaborate thing that I wish this was. I wish it was Spencer Stone,

the hero who stopped the gunman on the French train. That's what you were imagining this is? I was imagining that he wrote this email before he boarded that train. And's like oh he's like check that never mind i'm good i'm ripping in poon how do i talk to this girl oh actually i'm a hero now so i stopped a robber a robber a murderer a robber this is not the old west that's what he said that he said he was gonna rob the train maybe he was you you heard you're not a patriot you haven't seen top gun um have you ever have you ever sat next to a hot girl on a plane isn't that like the sort of like uh every time you're

getting onto a flight that's sort of the in the back of your head a cool thing that you hope happens like you see someone boarding like oh that's sort of in the back of your head a cool thing that you hope happens. Like you see someone boarding, you're like, oh, there's an attractive person. What are the odds that I sit down next to them? Yeah. They're so small. I think I've only ever sat next to one. I flew a lot, too.

I've only ever sat next to one attractive girl. And also on a plane, a five is an eight. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just break down women's looks. If it's a girl. Because if you're fat but on a plane, I'll fuck you. a five is an eight right yeah yeah yeah let's just break down women's because if you're fat but on a plane i'll fuck you because the gravity it actually makes you way less welcome back to the feminist episode

i know what you mean i know what you mean though it's like also it's the classic like subway riding the subway in new york you just look around like Also, it's the classic ride in the subway in New York. You just look around and you're like, alright, who's the hottest girl on the subway? So I can just stare at them until they fucking pepper spray me. Your standards go down because it's such a few select people. If you're sitting next to a girl

who is even your age, that's such a huge... That's already an anomaly. This person's as old as I am and the opposite sex. So they're really hot. And then if they're actually hot, it's like, I don't even know what you do. They're a terrorist at that point. It's a double rainbow.

They're technically a terrorist. Oh, yeah. What would happen if they were super hot, chatty, and then all of a sudden they got off the high track of the plane? Beep, beep, beep, beep. You're like, no. I'll still fuck you. Now imagine this from the other direction. You're an attractive lady on an airplane.

You look around, you're like, fuck, every single guy on this flight wants to sit next to me. Regardless of where I sit, it will be next to one of them. I will have to have a conversation. Oh, every time a girl flies, they have to have a conversation with somebody.

Dude, every time a girl walks down the street, she has to react to people just saying shit at her. That's a fucking living nightmare. If you're a woman, how do you ever get stoned? Because people just want to immediately start talking to you. Yeah, you're nervous to go get coffee. Right, getting coffee is like... You'll just get hit on.

Yeah, it's like putting your arm into a fucking polar bear cage covered in salmon. Oh, Jesus. I was saying, when a hot girl gets on a plane, I don't say, I hope she's sitting next to me. Because I immediately, I'm also married, but I immediately put myself in her head. And I know she's looking at the empty seat next to mine and going, oh, please don't let it be. Yeah. Because I am the worst person to fly next to because I'm visibly outside of the seat. Like my shoulders, one shoulder goes into the aisle, the other shoulder goes into the other seat.

So you're looking at me in this more part. I want to fly with you so bad. Whoever that is is like, oh, fuck. Your head is in the lavatory at all times. My feet are in the exit row. When you fly with your lady, Do you guys do back to back Or do you guys do middle aisle Or aisle window And hope that nobody takes the middle

We do next to each other Middle aisle Right we do middle aisle Or if we have our dog with us We do window middle Oh the dog needs a seat What? The dog needs a seat

He doesn't need a seat But we just want to put put a person away from us. We don't want the dog to be in the aisle. We want him to be tucked away at the window. How often do you fly with a dog? A couple times a year, holidays and stuff. Wow. How does that work?

He's an emotional support dog. Oh, is that how you get away with it? Yeah. Well, it's genuine. Does it have to be called that yeah he has that we have like we have a prescription for him more or less does he actually go and do emotional support stuff you don't have to do anything to be an emotional support dog that's like saying i'm too afraid to fly without my dogs right now he's emotionally dogs are mostly

for people with anxiety so that they feel more comfortable in certain environments and that's what people use as the loophole to get their dogs into casinos or whatever. He's also a seeing eye dog. Yeah, yeah. Gaber's has to wear sunglasses. I'm his seeing eye person. He's a blind dog. So he's emotional support for my wife, but I got to guide him on to the plane.

He's going to New York. I'm just along for the ride. Yeah, I'm flying back right when we land. Like a courier. One time I sat next to a hot older woman on the plane. There was a seat in between us. It was a red eye on virgin. And I was super high and I was watching some stupid movie.

It was a red eye for you too. It was a red eye, virgin red eye. I'm a virgin red eye. My red eye is not a virgin. Nice. What? But i do have an aversion two red eyes one brown eye neither are virgins wait you got fucked in the eyes uh and she was like a attractive uh woman a uh a coug a milf if you will and uh there was a sheet in between us and all of a sudden it was like an insane oh the first thing i like dozed off and when i woke up she was climbing over me like

straddled and i was like whoa and she's like sorry sorry sorry oh you were asleep i just didn't want to wake you up and i was like what is this a fucking sex fantasy part is a rock right now it's actually happened to me twice. One time flying back from Amsterdam, like a 19, I woke up and like a teenage girl, like a 19-year-old girl, I shouldn't say teenage girl, but she was like 19 or 20, was standing on my two armrests. I like woke up and her legs were on my armrests. I was like, woke up because she touched me and like her like vagina was at my eye level and I was like, uh, and she's like, sorry, sorry. I thought, and she legs were on my armrest. I was like, woke up because she touched me and her vagina was at my eye level.

And I was like, she's like, sorry, sorry. And she had like an accent. She's like, I thought I did not want to wake you. And I was like, this is fucking great. If there's a way to wake up, it's with a stranger's box in your eye line. That's your other tattoo. If I'm going to sleep, I better wake up with a box in my eyeline. So this older woman, we end up having, it's the most turbulent flight I've ever been on.

It's like dropping, you know, it's like skipping like a fucking disc man. And she's panicking. And she's like, and I'm like, are you okay? Do you want me to get you a drink or something like that? She's like, I'm just really scared. I'm like, hey, it's okay. You know, this is just turbulence. It's like hitting potholes we're just gonna be fine we're gonna be fine she's like i've never been on a plane like this i'm like it's all right it's okay and then i just go back to watching the movie and my hand is on the middle seat which is

empty and she just grabs my middle hand the one the one eye middle hand make it firm and then she leans over and puts her head on my hand and i she's like i hear i feel her cry i feel that's so hot she's crying like onto my hand holy shit yeah and uh and what happened after we get through all the turbulence and uh like i just she just holds my hand through the whole thing like squeezing i'm like it's okay and i just i'm watch i'm super high watching a movie and i keep i'm watching like fast six or something like that and i keep taking my earbuds out and going like it's gonna be okay you're doing great or whatever just like arbitrariness harnessing your inner vin diesel diesel is actually a pretty good actor

well like as a husband i'm used to trying to watch a movie while playing with a sleeping girl's hair or rubbing my wife's feet as a way for me to just get through a movie. Like, yeah, I love you. I got you. So I was doing that. And after the flight, she's like, you're my hero. And was hugging me.

And I was like, hey, it's been a real pleasure. Oh, my God. But I feel like, A, it would be taking a, I mean, it would be cheating. But if I was single, I feel like that would have been the, I would have given her, I would have gotten her Facebook name. Yeah, you would have been like this guy. Yeah. That guy who's like, what, let's get back to his advice. Wait, what?

What are you talking about? What dude? He only added her on Facebook and she hasn't responded. He needs to write her a message. Right. He's like, how do I know how to ask her out? Here's how. Ask her out right now. Yeah, you moron. Yeah. So like if you're ever in town,

I would say, Rafe, if you write her, if you're, hey, if you're ever in my part of town or if you know in the future you're going to be in wherever her part of town is, town being Europe here. Exactly. Just say, let's meet up and grab a coffee. I had a great time on the flight. Guys, a lot of people overthink asking people out.

Right. And doing it online. It's up to you to not make it weird. Doing it online is that there's no risk because you never actually see the rejection. You just send out a message and then just forget about it. And the message can be so innocuous like that. Like, if you're ever in this part of town and you want to get a drink, that's saying like i give you five outs yeah there's no yeah i'm not in that part of town like whatever yeah yeah yeah and it's all of it she doesn't even have to respond to that or like you can say

yeah i'll let you know that's it that's that's no essentially i love you know dudes for some reason i have no problem like i tell it like it is bro you talk to me i'll talk to you however i want you come oh this motherfucker here gave me the wrong you know the wrong drink i'm gonna tell him oh this motherfucker here bumped into me at the bar i'm gonna tell him i like that girl what do i do you know we're all alpha males until it's like i think you're pretty just tell her right just fucking tell people don't be a creep about it but if she gave you her contact info that was to be contacted unless you're in the scene yeah yeah to be contacted if just maybe to be friends which is possible right but you're only going to find that out if you send this message you can't just

be like well now i have a cute girl as a facebook friend yeah you just ask her you don't have to say like hey how do you feel about a drink on fr at seven 30? Cause that's something that's, I understand you fear rejection. That's something she says no to. Right. But if you're ever in my part of town or Hey, I might be passing through. Let me know if you'd want to get a drink or something,

you know? Yeah. Is it, is it cooler or more polite or more less cool or whatever to ask her out in person as she was leaving? That's what I would have said. In an ideal world. Is it nicer to do it over the Facebook?

Because then she's like, she doesn't have to confront you or lie to your face if she doesn't want to do it. No, I think you've got to strike while the iron's hot. If you're vibing and she's telling you, and you're laughing on the flight together, and she gives you her contact info yeah i feel like unless it's unless it's like she's transferring to a flight to france and you're staying in london right and you're like um if there's an opportunity that you're gonna like

if you're going to the same place if she's getting out and getting in a cab i think you got to say like hey if you're in town if you're here for this week let's meet up and grab a coffee or grab a drink or something right you got to go for it there. Worst comes to worst, you have to unfriend someone on Facebook. But I think there's a way to ask for it in person that's also like, hey, we should get a drink. She says yes. And you're like, all right, well, let me get your contact info and we can set it up. Yeah.

You don't want to like, it's not ever romantic to start doing logistics right there and there. Yeah, yeah. Friday, do you want me to pick you up at your hotel? What hotel room are you staying in? And why don't you just leave a key at the front desk? Right, perfect. I'll just show up at midnight and come in and fuck. It's true, logistics are never sexy,

but you do have to get around to them eventually. Right, but get them done over text after. Yeah, going out to dinner with a girl can be romantic, but trying to find a place to go to dinner is literally the most unsexy thing you can do. I don't want Thai. Like, oh, I like anything. All right, how about Thai?

Well, I swear to God, being married, most of being married is trying to decide where to eat. That makes sense. Or being in, I shouldn't say just married, being in any long-term relationship is just like deciding where to eat. What did you have for lunch? Oh, you had Mexican? Fuck, I was dying for mexican but i'm willing to make the sacrifice by eating italian and ordering the most mexican thing on the menu i will have the nachos of

mozzarella and meatballs blindfold me and tell me they're nachos i'm begging you just don't cook the pasta yeah i'm a fucking idiot just give me dry raviolis with guacamole on it. Ravioli guacamole is my new cartoon show on. Ravioli guacamole actually sounds like fucking dope. Yeah, it's paired with the regular show and Adventure Time. You put like guacamole-filled ravioli. Ooh.

Yeah, avocado guac. Avocado guac? No, avocado raviolis. How do you make your guac? Without avocados? Just bananas. Mostly it's just lime juice and bananas. Disgusting, but we have bananas.

I always say that bananas and avocados feel like the same thing to a blind person. Yeah, or if you're blindfolded. Yeah, why are you always saying that? What I was going to say is, in the beginning of a relationship, the first couple dates, everybody is overtly amenable. Like it's the complete opposite. Right. Like if I had Thai for lunch and a girl wanted to be like, let's go get Thai food.

I'm like, yes, let's do it. I'm not going to be like, no, I had Thai food for lunch. Like I'm just going to be as agreeable as humanly possible. Yeah, you're never going to be like, oh, I can't have pad see you. It gives me diarrhea. When you're in a long-term relationship, you're like, remember, I get diarrhea from chicken sausage. Chicken apple sausage. Chicken apple sausage.

That Ardell's brand, that shit gives me diarrhea. Really? Don't you always have diarrhea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that it does because it's food. So, like, name something else, and that also gives me diarrhea. I like, like, we've known each other for a long time i wouldn't consider ourselves that good of friends but the fact that the one thing you do know about me it's like jake's like don't you always have diarrhea

i've listened to like three of your podcasts it's mostly been about diarrhea i should have a gi doctor on oh that'd be great that'd be great. That'd be great. It'd be really good. People love listening to talks about shit. If you can record yourself while getting a colonoscopy, I think that would be the ultimate. I'll go for it. Will you do the colonoscopy? Yeah.

At the very least, watch it. We should make it a special video episode. But I like the idea of something specific giving you diarrhea, because everything does. Yeah, it's like it's got to be bananas or avocado or water. Tostitos, hint of lime, always gives me diarrhea. Also every other food. Also lime, also Tostitos.

Ice cubes. Whether it's a hint. Oxygen. Or otherwise. Shit, how are we doing on time? It's been two hours and 15 minutes. All right, let's answer another question uh another dude's name no please oh uh blendin see if i had spoken we would have never gotten blended we would have gotten something so much so much more magical

and you deprived us of that first of of all, I would like to say that I'm a shitbag for what I did, so no need to rip on me. Okay. Copy that. I insulted myself, so don't insult me. And at least I'll be able to listen to confirm whether you guys shit on me or not.

Alright, what's this shitbag doing? Me and my two best friends had a business where we shoplift clothes and sell them to people for cheaper. Not a business. We made stacks at first. But then when I wasn't there, my two friends got caught and busted for shoplifting. They were pretty pissed that I wasn't with them. They think I bailed on them or some shit.

So to get even with me, they told my girlfriend, who is a smoke show, but a bitch nonetheless. She flipped and won't talk to me anymore. What do I do? I have no girlfriend and no real friends left. Can I hit my boys or should I just forgive them? Thanks for all the help. I think he

needs to get a lawyer and not necessarily podcast advice. Blenden is a criminal. Yeah, but he wasn't caught. Small time crook. Small time crook. Not caught. His friends were caught and then to even up the playing field that he wasn't with them, they told

his girlfriend and now the girlfriend's mad at him. I would definitely be pissed at the friends. That's snitching, man. There is no honor among thieves, though. Like he said, now he has no real friends. His only two real friends were dudes that he shoplifted with? Yeah. Yeah, that's not the right crew.

Yeah. Oceans 3. Well, have you ever shoplifted? Have you ever stole shit? Have you ever had any schemes? Yeah, a bunch of times. But then I became an adult. But those are your friends, though, when you're doing it with them.

Right, right, right. But I had other friends that didn't steal. You know what I mean? Like his only two friends. The relationships that laughed. He lost all of his relationships because of stealing. Yeah. First of all, three people.

All three of his relationships. And you know what? Honest, I'm not trying to be a dick, Blendon, but if you refer to your girlfriend as a smoke show, but a bitch nonetheless. Yeah. Yeah. Don't have a girlfriend.

Yeah, I don't think you need to come i think you need to just like clean slate yeah maybe join a club yeah how about joining a gym and you like get to have some spinning friends or something these are my spin these are my soul cycle friends and these are my shoplifting friends yeah they don't get For some reason, the Venn diagram of spinning and shoplifting is me. Did you have any schemes like that in high school? Not really schemes,

but like, you know, we shoplifted. We stole lighters and like lit fires with them more or less. And then I burned down my entire elementary school

playground. Is that true? Yeah. And I was brought home in a cop car. Was it by accident or did you do that? It was by accident.

We were like lighting the grass on fire then putting it out and then it was just the whole thing i had to call 9-1-1 i had to call the fire how old were you uh i was like 13 i went to 31 i went to summer camp the next day for a week and when i came home my like i didn't get in trouble i came home my parent my parents were like my father drove me to the schoolyard and made me he's like get out of the car look at what you did oh my god that and i had to stand and stare at the fucking burnt down field and he just kept saying this is what you did like all the shit was so intense i'm getting like upset thinking about doing it and i was watching people like in their backyards with like hoses trying not to let the fire spread to their house jesus christ i feel awful wait you did that

i did that just uh just like was it multiple people it was a bunch of us a bunch of people with us we're like we always did that we would like shoplift like you know we were in we were 12 or 13 we would shoplift lighters and then like light bags of uh newspaper on fire and throw them in the park and watch them burn yeah then one time we were lighting grass on fire putting it out lighting grass on fire putting out and we lit it on fire and we couldn't put it out so then it just like it just spread to the whole like it's like three baseball fields at a certain point like that must have looked really awesome it was getting cool and then i was like this is escalating this is not stopping at least you had the wherewithal to call 911.

Yeah, I know. I'm not like... I've been slightly proud of you for that. Yeah, you could have just run away. Yeah, you could have run away, and it would have been awful. And I would have been fine. Yeah. I would never have gotten in trouble.

I would have just felt bad. I could have called 911 and still ran away. Yeah. That's what I should have done. Yeah, yeah. If I had a cell... You still regret it. That's what your dad was telling you?

You should have called 911 and run away You fucking rat fucker My dad by the way Smoke show but bitch nonetheless That's like the first scene in a movie About why a guy turned into be a gangster Like the dad taught him the wrong lesson You rat

You never let your friends rat My father like beats the shit out of a friend of mine In front of me taught him the wrong lesson. Yeah. You rat. You never let your friends rat. My father beats the shit out of a friend of mine in front of me. Nobody rats on my sod. My Johnny. He's pouring gasoline on his ass. You like lighting fires? You like talking about fires?

Well, talk about this one. Turn and walk away. Look at what you did, John. Dear God. I love you, boy. I love you, son. All right, don't forget you got baseball breakfast tomorrow. Oh, never mind. The field was charred.

Felt awful about that. Sliding into an action play. I had issues with fires for a long time. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So beyond just that. You never want to be the pyro kid. Because every kid likes fire a little bit.

But I had one friend that was the one that had the fire and got the fireworks. So beyond just that. You never want to be the pyro kid. Because every kid likes fire a little bit. Yeah. But I had one friend that was like the one that had the fire and got the fireworks. We all liked it. Right, right, right. But my mom was like, no, you're not hanging out. Yeah, that kid's too. You're not hanging out with John. The fact that his parents let him have a fire pit in the house is too much.

Yeah. In the house. Or at the house. In the living room. Just put this big ball of tinfoil here and just let him. Wait, you can't light a ball of tinfoil on fire. You can it up though you're rusty dude uh yeah i was like uh my issues with fire afterward like i was kind of afraid of fire like oh like yeah i would get a phobia yeah i got a little phobia from it because it like like i attached fire to being my family being upset

with me yeah wow destroying something. What a very specific link that you can trace back to. Right. I'm over it now. And now I put fire very close to my face several times a day. And when I smoke,

that makes it sound like you're a wizard. It's the only way I feel alive. Then it sounds like you're not over it at all. You know, I just light a fire and stare into it for two, three hours at the end

and just imagine all my heart, all the people that ever wronged me burning. No, it's fine. Is that weird? Playing Eternal Flame, which sort of drives me, motivates me to become a different person. Sang by, what was his name? Joe Coy. Which one? Who's the guy?

Eternal Flame? No, the song guy. What's that? Oh, Joe Kim. Joe Kim. Yeah, Joe Kim singing. Is this burning? So I think for this guy, we just tell him to cut his losses and start a new life without

his girlfriend or friends. And if he really wants to keep her because she's a smoke show, let's lose the word bitch from her vocabulary, unless she's being a bitch. And then talk to your friends. Say, hey, you ratted me out. I think it's time. Like, maybe you can still be friends with those dudes without doing your quote unquote business. Which, by the way, is crime.

I got this business where I go on the subway and I take people's iPhones out of their pockets and I sell them. We started our own business. I'm kind of an entrepreneur. You guys have an LLC for your shoplifting? I'm part of a new startup. We shake down kids at the playground for money. When you're signing up for an Amazon affiliate link for your business, what

feel do you say it's in? Our business is sponsored by MeUndies. Speaking of sponsorship, let's take a break and come back soon with more Gabrus. Nice transition. That was a really nice transition quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the Exactly. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online,

now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to D to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Hey, we're back. High and mighty is John Gabrus. Thank you.

What were you just saying? What do you like about your podcast? What do you hate? What have you learned in the last three weeks i really enjoy doing a podcast i don't enjoy the logistics of emailing people to say like who's free monday at 7 30 right my i have a hard enough time to keep track of my own schedule when you have to like add other people's schedules into the mix it's difficult yeah that is a true white wine that is a true, that's a champagne problem to have. Scheduling my own podcast that somebody else records, puts up, and gets

advertisements for is pretty difficult. But, oh, man, someday if our network grows, that'd be a really great job for somebody to have, like the coordinator. Right. So you, like, as you're the talent, you're just like, this is my availability, and then yeah that would be awesome yeah um i i love talking to people and um i've been talking to mostly people i do know and i want to start talking to some people who i don't know on the

podcast a couple new interviewers yeah a couple people who i've never met before that are specifically experts on something like the gi doctor you're saying yeah maybe a gi doctor i would love to have like a botanist or like a marijuana expert on that's another like get yeah or just a guy that gets high a lot yeah i've had that we have that we have all my guests uh what about the reaction how have you been able to gauge like people tweeting and emailing and whatever you know what i realize i'm like so pumped with how it's doing but i don't know what it constitutes a popular podcast and i don't think i really want to know because i'm just very happy with like i i'm getting surprised like i didn't think i would get over a thousand

people to listen to any episodes you know i remember you asked me once you're like how's it doing and i told you like it was like two days in? I remember you asked me once, you're like, how's it doing? And I told you like, it was like two days in, I'm like 68 people, not bad. And you're like, ah, shit, really?

I'm like, no, it's like 8,000, you idiot. But I was like, 68 people is like, you know, like starting off.

I was like, but I was like, fuck, I think I might've misjudged the need for my podcast to be out there. 60, you wrote that. And I was like, ah,

fuck, I'm going to just quit this shit uh but no i mean yeah literally tens of thousands of people have listened to your show so far yeah uh and more people should yeah if anybody listening to this right now hasn't heard yeah do it do it i thank you guys i I appreciate you shouting out. First of all, giving me the opportunity, and then secondly, promoting it. It's very exciting. I mean, I don't listen to any of the podcasts on our network, but I hear such good things about yours. You asshole.

I only listen to Earwolf podcasts. You know you have 95 ratings on iTunes right now, and 92 of the 95 are five stars, and three of them are four stars who gives four stars that's i mean that's a weird complaint to have yeah but isn't that funny that like someone would log in and be like ah four stars pretty good i'm asking people to rate it people are going fine but just you know i wonder if i wonder if they think it's the four is the most they can't because i think you push, like you just click on the star all the way to the right.

Is that a good amount of reviews? That is, yeah. It's a solid, solid base. But, you know, more is always better. Is more better? Is it like money in that having more is better? Yeah, but then if you have too much, you start getting jaded,

and then you move into a place you can't afford. I feel like that just got real. That's where we are now. Yeah, that's why you guys are like, let's have Gaberson, let's have all our guests. Okay, guys, head gum. Sell me undies, sell me undies, sell me undies. Jake is actually selling underwear on the side,

unrelated to the ass. I steal it from the MeUndies warehouse. I got this business plan where I get free MeUndies in various sizes, and i sell them to people for cheaper that's not a good yeah it's like how much money were you actually making stacks let's like what yeah and what friends of yours what people are like oh shit are those are those discounted khakis oh how'd you get them don't ask okay yeah i'll buy them hey man did you get any cool shirts in i'm a size medium right It's like clothing also has sizes.

It makes it so much more difficult. You didn't steal an extra large? Motherfucker, I don't fit into a large in the button downs. Yeah, it can't be worth it. And then you're splitting the money of buying, stealing one shirt, splitting that three ways. Yeah. Now we're just critiquing his illegal business. I'm just saying he has to steal.

What you want to do is steal phones. You've got to rob trucks. Yeah. Honestly, the only thing that Blendin was right about is that he's a shipwreck. At least he's self-aware to that extent. Awesome. Well, we do really appreciate you having a show on our network. It only makes us look better.

Oh, thank you. It seems like as you're looking at a computer, it seems like you just read that sentence. Like you wrote that. Like I texted him. Hey oh thank you um it seems like because you're looking at a computer it seems like you just read that sentence like you wrote that like i texted him here hey thank you so it's every thursday morning only on headgum.com headgum.com it is thursdays right it is thursdays yes more or less uh oh can we do head.comum? Oh, like a gum extension. Yeah, wasn't there a thing recently where you can get any extension? I feel like... Any three-letter extension?

Yeah, there's like... I know you can get.ninja. Really? Yeah. I might have made that up. .gum. I know you can maybe do it. I know you can maybe get.ninja.

Just kidding. That's all made up. How does one go about creating their own URL extensions? Huh. I imagine it would require several million dollars as a bare minimum. But anything for head.gum. I bet you you can get that, to be honest. Let's try it tonight.

Let's meet back here at your house. 2 a.m. It has to be in the dead of night. We could do head.gov. No, we couldn't. Okay. We can do head 2 a.m. It has to be in the dead of night. We could do head.gov. No, we couldn't. Okay. We could do headgum.org. Yeah.

For a long time. Yeah. All right. Do you want to get to one last question? Hey, you tell me, dude. Let's do it. Are you asking Jake? No, I'm asking myself.

The answer is always yes. Jake's buffing his Crocs right now. Don't tell anybody I wear Crocs. Sorry sorry spit shot these are amir's crocs just put them on as a goof yeah how fucking stupid is amir right guys monogram jh why did i get those why did i get my personalized crocs you're wearing leather or what is that cheetah print leopard print leopard print flip-flops. Sandals. And my shoes are weird. Yeah, they're kind of hard to find in a size 12.

I'll be frank. Technically, that's a woman's 15. Do you have size women's 15 flip-flops? Leopard print? Are you a drag queen? Nope. So why'd you get those? What's the story behind that?

So I really like this flip-flop company, Sanuk, which I think is Thai for smile smile and they make great sandals and for a long time i was wearing these green astroturf uh sandals of theirs um i wore i would like go on zappos and buy a new pair every summer i really dug them then i saw one time that they had and they're like they were like fur astroturf and so then i saw that they had leopard print and And I said, hey, you know, I like a little flair. 2015 is the summer of Gabrus. Yeah, I bought two pairs. Well, I had a pair like five years ago.

And then I never was able to find them again. And then just recently they went back on sale. So I bought like three pairs. And I just put two away in my closet just in case it all goes down. Hermetically sealed. This is something I can't live without. Leopard print mandals. When the end

of days is near, I'm still going to have two fresh pairs of leopard print. Yeah, you guys are going to be starving in the streets and I'll be trading leopard print flip-flops for canned goods. Gabrus has a go bag that has power bars, a flashlight, one extra pair of these sandals, a zombie apocalypse preparedness kit

yeah i can't run guys why did you put fucking sneakers in there but i do look fabulous uh all right fake name one last name um uh clamden oh i like that he's from new england clamden writes i'm just gonna get straight to the point. My fiancé's sex drive has decreased to the point where it's almost non-existent. In two years of us having sex, it has slowly but surely continued to dwindle. In correlation, both of our weights have

increased throughout our time together in college. About 50 pounds each. Her excuse for the lack of sex is that she doesn't like the way she looks without clothes and that she doesn't feel attractive anymore. Given the weight between the two of us is noticeable, but I still do what I can to make her feel attractive and sexy, yet to no avail. What should I do to coax her out of this long-suffering funk? Along with that, what kind of weight loss tips could you guys give? With my recently graduated and working Monday through Friday 8 to

5 p.m. jobs and her on a similar schedule, our availability to go to the gym constantly isn't always there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Keep up the good work. You guys have gotten me through a lot, and I'll be a listener for life. Thanks. Glam dun dun dun dun.

Oh, that's amazing. That's a really nice email. Yeah. I mean, at the end That's a really nice email. Yeah. I mean, at the end, it's nice for us, for you guys. In the beginning, it's not nice for anybody. But this is like a real, I really want to help this guy. Most of the time when people write in, I want to tell them they're idiots and to stop doing what they're doing. Yeah.

This is a dude who needs help and who I think we could truly give advice to. But that's the end of the time we have here. We did spend too much time deriding the guy on an airplane and shoplifting clothes. This is actually, this is a very, like, I'm sure this is more common than most problems. Like, this is a very common problem, I feel like. Sex always slows down in a long-term relationship because it's there. You know, like, you know, if it's not tonight, it can be tomorrow.

But then that's the same thing, like, you know that with the gym, too. If I don't go today, it's fine. I'll go tomorrow. Oh, I didn't go today. I'll just go tomorrow. Right. And, like, if you're in a long-term relationship, you know she's going to be there in a month. So if you don't get around to it, you're like, all right, well, we're going to have sex next month.

All right. The next thing you know, your hymen grows back. And then what? Your peony hymen. Then you start de-aging before you know it, you're dating a six-year-old. So what would you guys say? Amir, you're like legitimately an expert on relationships. As a single man, here's what i would do fat chicks no dice i think

the hardest part about a workout regimen is starting it right because it's the heart it's literally the hardest part because you're in the worst shape and you have yet to see any results so like the first four days the first day is the hardest because like i'm just struggling and i'm not fit yet of course you're not fit yet because this is just the hardest because it's like I'm just struggling and I'm not fit yet. Of course you're not fit yet because this is just the beginning. And there's just the social aspect of having to go to a gym if you don't feel good about yourself and you don't know exactly if you haven't been to one yet. I'm assuming if he's just out of college, maybe he's not even living where he was previously, so he's in a new area. And he's got to find like you've got

to build a routine now you got to start now you're fresh out of college you're 22 if you want to or maybe you're 26 with military uh service but and we thank you for that you truly are a hero sir and uh whatever the case is you can lose 50 pounds at that age it's only going to get harder as you get older right now's the time to lose weight exactly and it sounds like you're probably going to work eight to five for eternity so getting out of five is not that late i was going to say like eight to five it doesn't leave many time for the gym yes it does five to midnight yeah five on we work out seven hours a night we eat dinner at midnight go to sleep wake up get to say like eight to five, it doesn't leave many time for the gym. Yes, it does. Five to midnight. Yeah. Five on. We work out seven hours a night.

We eat dinner at midnight, go to sleep, wake up, get to work. There's definitely shit that he's doing that's not the gym that he – like eating a huge meal and watching Netflix. Right. That's what's happening instead. It's funny to say that because I understand that too. I'll say that shit and I'll be like, I only have three free hours today. And people will be like, well, it takes an hour and a half to go to the gym. You're like, oh, right.

Yeah. And it's understandable. But your schedule is going to be eight to five for as long as you have this job. You have to figure out a way to make it work. If fitness is a priority, and it sounds like it should be, but you don't have to go to the gym four days a week

to not be 50 pounds overweight. That's the point that I was going to make too. First, a diet is huge. You can't out- out train a bad diet is like a classic like uh uh like fitness uh mantra you can't no matter how much you work out if you eat like garbage you cannot exactly yeah you can't burn that much i'm not saying go on like a crash diet like take out carbs just like this guy just needs to start eating healthier and specifically you say this guy i say this is a way to make this you make this a couple thing right for both together you

guys go to the farmer's market you guys go to whole foods it's going to be a touchy subject to try to get like to secretly but if she's oh if she's open about not being comfortable with the way she looks which it sounds like she is which it sounds like yeah exactly maybe it's okay for you at this point to say like, well, here, let's do this. Let's cook two healthy meals a week and let's go walking three nights a week after work. Right.

And that's all you get. And you do that together. And you do that together. And it's more time together. Cooking together is romantic. Walking together is romantic. And you cook a healthy meal. You go for a long walk that's just exercise

yep and then maybe you know a couple of weeks go by people start feeling better about themselves because it's not even a matter of her losing 10 pounds to look better if she just walks a couple of days a week and eats and she'll just feel better and when you feel i know i know that i've been in a relationship for i've been with the same girl for 13 years. If you want to talk about like being in a long-term relationship, sex getting old, 13 years of having sex with the same girl. It gets difficult, but it's you, man. If you want it, this is what you got to do here. What about cheating on your spouse so you get it somewhere else?

Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe you can find a skinny girl that isn't your girlfriend and just bone down with her oh burns calories yeah we were so close to giving this guy good advice it's about making her feel better and to be honest and i don't want to put any more pressure on this guy than he feels but if you just start exercising and you start dropping some lbs it's gonna be like she's gonna be a more into it and b she's gonna be like fuck now i can't be the one i think like everything is sort of contagious in a relationship and negativity can be contagious and laziness can

be contagious or positivity and being energized can be contagious 100 because it's literally just the two of you yeah and it's like uh if if my wife comes home in a bad mood from work i'm in a bad mood if i wake up and i'm being like a grump it just it escalates right now and it's just one of those things where but if my wife comes home and she's in a bad mood uh in a great mood and she starts making me laugh where it's contagious and yeah you need to maybe artificially spark that contagion. Fake it till you make it for a little bit. Yeah, fake it till you make it. And I will say that although working out at the beginning is the hardest,

it's also those are the easiest pounds to lose. Right. So if you could just remove one, like if you're drinking soda or beer, if you just take that away, that usually accounts for the first jump start of like 5, 10, 15 pounds. Yeah, if you're drinking soda and emailing people for fitness advice, just, if you're listening to this and you're like, I'm going to ask these guys fitness questions,

but you happen to be drinking soda, just eliminate soda. I understand why beer is difficult to eliminate, but get rid of soda. No one drinks soda anymore. It's a treat. Yeah, that's it. It's like healthier to drink vodka. No, yeah, I mean, added sugar is like, it's a treat yeah that's that's it they were like there it's like healthier to drink vodka no yeah i mean added sugar is like the it's the devil yeah sugar is the white devil

and at your biggest weight the easiest pounds to lose are the first few right right yeah because it's uh it's a matter of percentages right and because if you're not adapted to exercise the the moment you start your body kicks into adapting to that and i'm and i'm talking exercise three 30 minute walks a week right we'll get we'll get you going there's no need to go to a gym like this you're absolutely right you do walks you can do push-ups at your house like you can ease yourself into it for sure we got to pull the first exercise the first exercise i ever started was just getting a pull-up bar. It was like $18 and I put it up in a door frame. Right, and you got to walk past it.

And I was like, you know what? Every time I go into the bathroom or go into my room, I'll try to do a pull-up. And then sooner or later you do. And now you can do two. Ten years later. I'm fucking the shit out of anybody who wants it. Who wants it? I'm here, baby. Jake just stopped shitting.

He would shit in his room to avoid the fart. Yeah, I shit in Tupperware and throw it out. I was shitting into a Gatorade bottle if he's dumping them out the window. Also, I was going to say... Shitting into a Gatorade bottle is literally a high-skill event. It's a wider mouth than most.

Talk to me when you're doing Snapple. Or the ultimate, water. Yeah, Poland Spring. I've shit into one of the ultimate water. Yeah, Poland Spring. I've shit into one of the little sport tops of a Poland Spring. I've shit into a Capri Sun bag somehow. Capri Sun. The hard part is piercing your urethra with that thin little straw.

Why are you shitting in your urethra? It's a whole different issue. We'll talk to your GI doctor about that. I'll wait till my GI doctor comes. I'll have him take a quick look at your back urethra. Your urethra. My last bit of real advice is instead of trying to inspire her, you ask her to be like, can you do this for me? That way it's like you're asking her to help you.

She's less likely to say no to that. I need your help. Will you help me start trying to eat better? Right. Can you help me cook? Let's cook on Sunday night. Let's make, if you work Monday through Friday, let's cook on Sunday night.

Let's make grilled chicken or some protein for Monday and Tuesday and Thursday and Friday. Pretty soon you guys are going to be fucking the pounds away. Yeah. That's what's going to happen. Fucking the pounds away. Start to feel comfortable, confident. Maybe do YouTube yoga in the house or something like that

because if people are embarrassed to go out and it's just the two of you. There's so many circuit workouts. You do a push-up workout that you found on YouTube? She's talking to Amir. I actually do two types of YouTube workouts after I run I do either that

there's like a push-up one called passion for profession that's one of my brother's yeah and then there was a six ab workout thing called like the coach has fit six-pack ab workout and like I'm seeing like the numbers go up like into the millions of these things like oh there's a lot of people just

doing these YouTube workouts it's great it's a way to you know it's a way to get inspired and i think doing something together would be very helpful and spending more time together and also think about what the root is if she's really not feeling good about herself and that's why she doesn't have sex why don't you actively pursue on a nice night making her feel as good as possible about herself. Tell her how beautiful she looks. If she gets dressed up, comment on the outfit.

Dim the lights. And get after it. Have a couple of glasses of red, low carb. Have a couple of glasses of red wine and go for it. And just don't push it, but just let her know, no, I find you attractive. You're my girlfriend. I'm in love with you let's do this you know and then afterwards after it does happen and you do have sex that's when you hit even more positive reinforcement like that was the best sex we've

ever had yeah it's been great we i feel like every time my wife and i have sex we say we gotta do this more often like literally it's like right after we're like how do we not like we always have like an awesome session then we're like fuck we waited have like an awesome session and then we're like, fuck, we waited five days to do that? Come on, we should be doing this way more frequently. Five is an underestimate.

Five, that sounds pretty good. Yeah. Awesome. Thank you, John, for coming on the show. Thanks for having me

on the show, Amir and Jake, which is a weird way to say that. What's your Twitter? How do people reach you? You can reach me at John Gabrus, no H in John or Gabrus. And check out the High and Mighty podcast on the HeadGum Network.

Love it. Every Thursday morning. You're in, baby. All right, let's record some ads for you. Perfect. The opening theme song was Joe Kim. This closing one is from Gareth. So thanks, Joe Kim this closing one is from Gareth

so thanks Joe Kim thanks Gareth if you have your own questions, theme song Facebook, thumbnail submissions it's all coming to ifiwereyoushow

at gmail.com we try desperately try to read them all so send them away thanks for listening we'll be back next week bye away. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. At least give me some hope that the other fish in the sea are not too far. It feels like an ocean to me and I need some help to mend this bleeding heart.

I'm hard strapped for cash, so I can't afford a therapist. That's why I'm reaching out to you to help me solve this shit. So will you take it or leave it? You help me and mean it or leave me defeated and tell me that I'm some kind of fucking demon. You can help me or put me on blast. Either way, you're listening to the If I Were You podcast. That was a HeadGum podcast.