Segments - 173: Heroin

Episode Date: September 9, 2015

In this episode we discuss facial hair, hard drugs, and party horns. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and NextIssue.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ran into my ex and she's not bad anymore. She is an eight now. She used to be a four. Used to be a four. How do I tell her I want her back? Without her knowing that I'm a douchebag. So I thought I'd email her if I were you. With a bitch and shmuel. Damn. were you with a fish at Shuel

damn yeah that was smooth that barbershop quartet though that's how you get laid that crooning tune to the sound of earth angel

though acapella though um the email said imagine nwa had a stable upbringing in the suburbs of cambridge england and eschewed a rap career for a shot at the barbershop big leagues that is what ollie sam and colm have done for us i think i'd be down to join a barbershop quartet yeah and since these are just three dudes i feel like you could no don't i take back you got something special. You really think so? Because I didn't really...

I put half my ass into that. Hey, boys, you know that new sound you're looking for? Well, this is it. Your kids are going to love it. So thanks, guys. Ollie, Sam, and Colm in Cambridge, England. They knew the word eschew's jews excuse it's jews it's jew to rap career it's jewed yeah i think if you know that word then you're already not

going to be a very good rapper well the thing is they're from england so they already know their vocabulary yeah they're sort of cheating because they when you're english yeah you know english good that's not good. It's like, yeah, I speak Hebrew. So what? I was born in Israel. I didn't learn shit. Oh, interesting.

That's you for the first time not taking credit for knowing another language. For me, it's a little different. As I do know shit, I know English and Hebrew. So it's not a big deal that they are. It was self-taught. Right. So once again, everyone else is good. Don't talk over once again everyone else is good don't talk over me everyone else is good everyone else is bad and you're good that's the takeaway can i talk now sure everyone else is bad

and i'm good to me to have to me to me i'm good for us for this to hold until death do i am what is this show it's if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by i and i and we are they and us to, to have, for them, to I, to be, to hold, once was, to ba-da-ba-da-ba-ding-ba-bing-boom-ba-bing,

um, can't stress enough, we are not drunk, we're not high, we're just, this is a bonus Thursday, we can phone it in if we feel like it, we're getting a little loopy,

it's one of those late night shows, uh, I, yeah, yeah sorry i just got uh my parents are getting divorced so i just got a text regarding that you want to pause it for a second we're good um they were together a long time yeah 43 years next week so next is everything So next. Is everything good? Somebody stop me. All right. So what do we... Fuck. It's so hard not to think about them together. All right.

Yeah, dude. Take a breather. I don't need a breather. I need to work. I need to fill my void. I need to fill the silence with cool shit. You're not doing a very good job right now. No, no, no.

You guys see that? I am. Because it's... I can de-compartmentalize. I'm actually part mental, part departmental. All right, good. You're cracking jokes. My daddy did tell me that I was so funny, even when he...

That's good. That's nice. It's positive. Yeah. All right. He also told me that I was sort of... I don't know how to say it in English, but I was driving a wedge between him and my mother. All right.

Jesus Christ. So, how does it work? We... Fucked up thing for your old how to say it in English, but I was driving a wedge between him and my mother. All right. Jesus Christ. So how does it work? Fucked up thing for your old man to say. Blumenfeld. My mom was right. I can't fucking do two things at once. You ruin a marriage and a podcast. Congrats.

We are receiving emails every day, if I were to show at gmail.com, people in sticky situations. They need desperately our advice, and we do it every week, receiving emails every day if i were to show at gmail.com people in sticky situations they need desperately our advice and we do it every week sometimes twice a week sometimes we're back short on a thursday today is one of those times on a thursday squad going down on a thursday uh all right these are real emails from real people we're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity they have a fake guy's name pablo escobar right my new relationship has gone mad at

me because before i even knew that i had a chance of hooking up with her i hooked up with two of her Okay. And if not, what should I do to make her not mad at me and to get over the matter? Thank you. I appreciate your advice on the matter. By the way, I am 19 okay so i am not an alien and english is my first language if so and if not what should i do to make her not mad at me to get over the matter matter and what is the matter doesn't matter and how can i it doesn't matter uh can someone get mad at you for stuff you did before your relationship no oh so well oh no they can they do right i don't find it to be a fair way of life so you're saying i meet someone

fresh start everything that happened before i can't get mad at that yeah but it's not like what is it you're um it's you're not invincible you're not untouchable you don't have like a get out of jail free card you're you're not a teflon don yeah because like still you can find out people find out about things in their relationships past that bother them. Sure. I think there's a difference between being bothered by something and being mad at something. Like, if we were dating and I find out that you sent a dick pic to a bunch of my friends, before we were even together, it's like oh that bothers me that you did that and like

what can you do you just have to sort of be um contrite about it you have to be like i shouldn't have i'm sorry i was like i wish i knew that i would meet you because i don't need to do anything i don't know whatever you're saying i should apologize yeah just like just to be like that was an old me yeah you don't really have to like bend over backwards to apologize but you know if somebody's upset and you would you say i'm sorry i yeah i didn't know my actions would be but maybe you should maybe i should bend over forwards and offer the booty yeah dude that is oh if we're in a relationship and I'm a little pissed at you, and then you just bend over, grab your freaking ankles and let me rail you.

Yeah. Oh, I am not upset at all. I am coming. You better believe after I nut, I don't stay mad. All right, all right. Actually, sit on my lap. For what? The old fart.

Get over here. No way. I'm pissed pissed i feel like you're just saying that now because you know it'll get you i know i get off uh so i think there's like but then i but then if i was like if i was upset you would probably try to console me well you know if you're a good guy i see but if i'm mad at you would probably try to console me. Oh. You know? If you're a good guy. I see. But if I'm mad at you, if I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with you? You send dick pics to everybody.

Oh. Then you get defensive. Yeah. And then you're like, it doesn't matter. It's not important. It was before I knew you. And you're like, it still matters to me. They're still my friends.

They have pictures of your dick, you know? You know what I would do when someone used to get mad at me in relationships? What? I used to heighten up how sad i was feeling so then it's like oh now you the other person has to console me very manipulative and you can't be mad at me and console me at the same time if i feel so bad that i'm sad just like yeah you shouldn't have sent those pictures to those girls just, no, hey, it's fine. No, it's not fine. Don't fucking let me off the hook. Would you really do that?

I mean, not to that humorous extent, but I feel like in retrospect, that is a very... That is a very funny way to come at it. Yeah, I would always be extra... Extra hard on yourself. Yes, exactly. Extra hard on myself. I'm a fucking loser. I'm an idiot.

I wouldn't blame you if you broke up with me in fact i deserve i ruin everything and that's why i was broken up with 19 times in the calendar year because i would always say that and then eventually they just have to take the opening yeah they take a couple of them take the bait. Yeah. And then as they're packing up to leave, I say, you could break up with me or you can. And then I would bend over. Rail me. So you were still broken up with 19 times in a calendar year. Because none of them had dicks. It didn't mean anything for them to see me bend over.

One girl put on a strap on and throat fucked you. And that was the one I ended up getting engaged to. You knew that I was engaged, right? Yeah. For a calendar year. I engaged her to me. You engaged her in a marriage proposal. I was engaged to have her in me, with me, to have, to hold till death do I shart.

So what should... Does this guy have a case i feel like it's not about having a case it's about like readjusting the communication to be um to be this dynamic of i'm not mad Let's not be mad at each other. Let's recognize that we're both upset by this and what can be done. Like, the dick pics are there. They've been sent. It's happened. So do you believe that she should be mad at me? No.

I don't believe she should be mad at him. And if so, what should I do to make her not mad at me and get over the matter i think you have to calmly say i understand why you're upset and it's really tough because i don't believe that she should be mad it's really hard when the person starts from a place where where there's like not negotiation you know it's like i'm pissed it's like i you what you need to do is guide her to just be upset in general and not pissed at you right but how do you how do you have that conversation how do you talk about that how do you often find yourself apologizing for something that you don't think that the other person should be mad about no because i'm a moron like i have principles when it comes to apologizing and stuff

like that like i don't want to i guess but more less than i'm not like i don't like to start an argument like i'm not going to apologize for something if i didn't have to apologize about it you know right i i think i always just like try to find the root of why somebody's mad at me and it's usually not because like they're angry and being mean towards me. It's because they're hurt and vulnerable. Oh, you try to tap into that, that one layer.

Right. So you say, so rather than apologizing, you say, I see that you're very upset. I see that this bothered you. I understand that you're, I accept.

I didn't say I'm sorry, but, but I could tell that you do feel apologetic for that. I am very sad that you feel sad. Even though there's nothing I... You're a sorry man indeed. And I feel bad that I even forced you to apologize. Borderline.

Now get off your knees and stop begging me for forgiveness. You have it, you big lug now bend over so i can fuck you all right what's in and what would you say i mean if someone's mad at you i would just i i would apologize even though i don't necessarily feel like they have a right to be mad i'd be like oh i'm sorry you feel this way i would say that i'm sorry you feel this way it's a pretty tough thing to feel to hear yeah which is um again 19 divorcees in one calendar year oh i thought it was you were engaged to them you were engaged to one and married the rest no i wasn't it alternated 19 each So I would be engaged and then married and divorce aid.

You are such a swinging bachelor, Blumenfeld. That's amazing. I wonder how many times, the most times someone's been married in a year. That's interesting. But not on purpose, not like a guy that was trying to break the record. Right. All right, next question um guys name

give me two seconds steve murphy right you know i've been watching narcos you know that dude hey guys great fan of the show and since now i've been lucky enough not to have the need to write in. I talked to this girl on a semi-regular, and I feel hookup is imminent. Here's the thing. She started a conversation with the line, would you hate me if I took heroin? I said yes, to try to deter her, but then she started questioning me as to why and accusing me of being hypocritical because of my lifestyle, mainly drinking and the occasional bud.

Anyway, I think heroin is a lot worse, and even though I have a suspension, she is joking I feel I have the moral duty to tell someone. I was going to say something so freaking out of left field until I heard she was an 8.5. I was operating thinking she was a 6 or a 7. Yeah, at 8 at most. So thank you for that information. Let me readjust my entire... Going forward, knowing she's an 8.5,

I say you just gotta let her do the heroin. No one who says, would you hate me if I took heroin is gonna do heroin. because she doesn't even know the cool way to say it if i took it no you don't take heroin what do you do you shoot it would you hate me if i shot heroin oh that means you're already doing yeah oh now i see yeah this girl's this girl's f. Yeah. So you don't have to tell anyone.

I think you probably... Also, that's the wrong answer to say, would you hate me if I took heroin? You don't just say yes, like I'll hate you if you do something. You say, I would be really worried about you. I'd be really concerned. I'd be upset. I'd be sad if you did that. I would want to help you.

Yeah. Would you say you could hate it if you took heroin you would hate the situation would you hate it if i took heroin i would think it was hilarious if you took heroin you think so man yeah thanks man super funny i needed to hear that would you actually i would never do it if i got you heroin i'm afraid to do drugs yeah i'd be afraid to do heroin yeah uh that's a that's a big scary one that's the last one i think that's like a die the first time you do a drug yeah you can maybe die from a drug i mean you could all you could die from like other drugs too yeah like adrenaline skydivery you could die from that yeah you can You could actually dive from it.

You're sure you're not drunk? I am a little high. I had an edible at lunch. I love that. I had a brownie bite. Do you eat those brownies in the freezer? Because they ain't no regular brownies. That wasn't even the freezer, man.

You were just so fucked up. Fucked up. Are you kidding? No, I'm fine. Don't tell her parents. Don't tell a teacher. That's such a weird thing to do. At the very...

It's noble. If you knew for a fact she was taking heroin, or if you had at least fact she was taking heroin or if you had at least more conclusive evidence this is just like one text message don't sound any alarms yet

yeah I think it's fine to not you know what though she did call him a hypocrite so it is his moral duty would you say it's his moral duty. So I feel like... Would you say it's his moral duty? But to call the police, I think you have to call the...

If you could set up a sting operation... Oh, shit. Yeah. How would that... So it's like... He'll wear a wire... Oh, my God. And acquire heroin on his own accord, according to Jim.

Okay. And then he'll go out... In a Honda Accord. In a Honda Accord. Yeah. To meet E-Hondas. Oh, a Ford. A Ford.

If he can afford a Honda Accord. If he can afford a Honda Accord from E-Honda, of course. Of course. He'll meet this lady out as a matter of course. Okay. And the heroine of this story will be buying some heroine from this gory dude because he got into a fight before he before he before he before the gory before he turned very gory um what's the allegory yeah you can so then you try to sell

her the heroine and then you bust her and then nine so it's like 9-1-1 what's your emergency 9-1-1 what's your emergency um i what was what's your accent i'm i'm sorry i have an emergency but i i'm enamored with your voice where this is the chicago dispatch police where are you where are you from what's your name my name is fayetteville from normal, Illinois. Fayetteville from Normal, Illinois. Sorry, do you have an emergency, sir? I do. I have an emergency. I've fallen. My heart has just burst into a million pieces when I heard the sound of your voice.

What's your address? My address? What's your address? Sir, is someone holding a gun to your head? Just cough twice if so. Are you in trouble right now? I just... Fayetteville from Normal, Illinois.

You had me at... what's your emergency don't tell anyone was my advice yeah she's not doing heroin she hasn't you're gonna feel real shitty if she's doing heroin though oh shit what if she od'd and it was his moral duty yeah um all right oh this is an interesting one this this one is interesting and are you ready for it you better believe it we need another guy's name javier pena i'm a 20 year old guy from england just finishing up my first year of university we're moving out of the halls at the end of June, but my most current of flatmates have already gone home, so at the moment it's just me and my friend living together in the flat and doing nothing all day, every day. Recently, she suggested that I grow my mustache out. The reason for this is because I haven't shaved in almost a week, and when I go this long without shaving, the hair above my lip in particular

becomes quite a bit more prominent, which she said looks good on me. The problem is, I think it looks ugly. The only reason I've let it go to this point is that I've been really lazy. I'm pretty sure that this is the extent that it can grow to anyway. I can't really grow a full beard,

but I agreed to not shave it for two weeks just to see what happens. Then it occurred to me that she might be trying to mess with me. I mean, I'm pretty sure that the mustache just won't suit me, but what if that's actually her plan and she's playing some sort of John Wolf-esque long con to get me to grow ugly facial hair, walk around looking like an idiot for two weeks. Maybe she secretly likes having some small power over how my face looks.

She already gives me haircuts, and she pierced my ear with a sewing needle one time. I just, I really don't think a mustache will look good on me. Also, in the unlikely event that it actually looks good, should I keep it or shave it off before I go home to see my friends for the summer? When I saw them last, they noted that I had changed a lot since going to uni, and this became sort of a punchline for their jokes. Well, since I last saw them, I've gotten the aforementioned ear piercing, which I've now

started stretching out, and I've also gotten a tattoo! And I plan on getting a few more before I see them! I can already imagine the jokes that'll come out of this. But since these are permanent decisions which I've made, there's nothing

I can do about it really so i guess i'll have to suck it up and take it but i could avoid having mustache jokes thrown on top of the whole situation by just shaving it off but what if it does actually look good what do you guys think i should do help love what was the guy's name javier pena javier pena god man you are you are the butt of a joke man you and your this is you have to at point, cut off your entire lip. What? Remove your lip. How do you want even? Cut it off entirely.

No way. So you, no lip. All you'll see above your lower lip is teeth and gums. And you run up to this girl and you say, Are you happy now? Oh. Look what you've done. And he already has a homemade ear piercing that he's stretching out.

Yeah, so you're all about that self-mutilation. Shit. And then he comes home, and his friends have already made fun of him for looking slightly different from university. He comes back with multiple tattoos, a homemade ear piercing, and uh-oh, coup de grace. No lip! No.

What's the opposite of a mustache? Just your teeth. No, it is not. Oh, it's... What? Oh, teeth. That's so close to a mustache. From here up, it's just teeth.

Did I mention say it was a goose? I would say the opposite of a mustache is tangerine juice. I think it's chalk. You just said it was teeth. Chalk's pretty close to teeth. So what the fuck is this guy doing? Mustache is the most changeable thing, and he's concerned about it. But getting a tattoo and piercing his ears with a sewing needle is fine?

It sounds like he's just a little self-conscious about the mustache but like how often have you had a girl who is interested in you like want you to do your hair a different way or want you to grow a beard it's like something that's it's a change to you and you're like oh no this looks weird this looks bad what are you talking about but it it doesn't matter like if she if you like this girl and she says you look good a certain way then just embrace it for a little bit yeah also it sounds like he was getting into it sounds like he liked what if it does look good by the end of your email you borderline thought it did i mean all all your decisions from what to wear what you look like facial hair clothing anything is to attract people.

Otherwise, why would you do it? And now you have somebody who you're attracted to telling you point blank what they like. And you're like, no, it doesn't look good to you. Yeah. You don't tell her what looks good to you for me to have to him to hold to forever. It's already there. And it sounds like also she's not necessarily making him grow out a mustache. She's just saying like, don't shave.

And the hair above his lip is most of what grows in. You have a mustache now. Oh, yeah, I do. Do you remember your first mustache? Yeah. You couldn't stop thinking about it. When you're first there, it's like, oh, my God. That's true. Remember your first mustache? Yeah. You couldn't stop thinking about it. Yeah. When you're first there, it's like, oh, my God.

That's true. I think I was, like, in my mid-20s when I, I mean, I would always do it when I was shaving just for, like, fun at the end of, like, if I had, like, a light beard or something, I'd shave. Yeah. And leave a mustache just for fun or leave a goatee just for fun for a minute. But no way would you keep it for more than a day. And then, like like during work at

college humor i think i started like sometimes just having a beard and then it took a long time but i did the mustache and the first day i had my mustache all i wanted to do was like tell people how it was a joke yeah it's not a real must i'm just doing this as a bit that's why i have it it's funny now you have it you don't even really think about it no and like people comment on it they're like hey mustache i'm like and i yeah sure yeah it's no big deal so you just sort of you'll grow desensitized to the stash is what i'm saying right a hundred percent i think you make it sounds like you're growing and changing and being doing different things so your friends might not like it but maybe this girl likes it maybe you

like it that's really the most important no i would say the girl is more important than the guy girl and you yeah there's probably i feel like they're they're sort of like an equal ish importance if she likes you i think you're right like her liking it is definitely really important like that should guide him yeah liking it. If you really can't reconcile, then you also have to be confident when you're talking to the girl. But what's more confident than her saying, I like it like that? I like it like that. I like it like that. Bend over, Blumenfeld.

What? You're right. I'd like to fuck you alive on the podcast. Alive? Alive or just live? Both. Mercy. So, keep the stash.

Yeah, keep the stash for a little bit just to see. How about keep the stash and don't give yourself a tattoo. Or two or three. It sounds like you're rushing into this tattoo thing. Well, maybe he likes the tattoos. I ain't got no problem with anything except for maybe no piercing the ears with a sewing needle. Yeah. Because that's a hygienic.

Yeah, that's unsafe, unhealthy. You're stretching out a hole in your body that you pierced with a needle yourself with uh somebody who was definitely not trained to do that i would advise against getting multiple tattoos i would say get one at a time because what if you regret it then you have three instead of one right i i thought that he was i thought he was like had several more that he was going to go go for yeah he said there's going to be more several more before they even see his friends see him again in a couple weeks oh interesting so yes mustache maybe tattoos just slow your roll suddenly i want to make fun of this guy for changing too much well this happens when you go to college yeah i remember when i went to college the thing was at least within my friend group, is that, like, nobody cut their hair for, like, what seemed like nine months.

Yeah. So everybody came back with, like, super long hair. Yeah. Was that, like, a 2000s thing, or is that, like, what kids do when they go to college? I wonder. I think it was a 2000s thing. Although your brother also grew his hair really long. That's true.

Maybe. I guess it could be a college thing. Because it's like, it's like the thriftiness. It's like, oh, I can't afford a haircut. Right. And it's like five months, six months. Let's see how long it goes. Yeah, you sort of like embrace laziness in a way for the first time.

It's like, oh, yeah, I don't have to, like, I'm not going to cut my hair. I'm going to wear pajamas. I'm going to wear slippers to the library. To the dining hall. Yeah. I don't know. But I don't know if people still do that. Do they?

I thought Micah grew out his hair because he was like in a surfing culture. Yeah. I don't know. But I don't know if people still do that. Do they? I thought Micah grew out his hair because he was in a surfing culture at Santa Barbara. And man buns had become a la mode or of the fashion. Indeed. Indeed. So, for example, I had a brownie a la mode the other day, which is a brownie with a little bit of a man bun on it. Really? I had a samurai man bun.

You just poured ice cream onto a man's head. Yeah. You tried to eat it with a spoon. Oh, God. That's so hot. All right. Let's take a break, you poo. And we'll be back with more right after these. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your

personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. I...

You good? Yeah. It is September 10th when this comes out. Nice. We are dangerously close to our Toronto shows just for the last comedy festival at the beginning of October.

And then, in two weeks after that, we're going to be at the Irvine Improv, Orange County, our first show in Orange County. This is a 500 seat theater. Shit.

People really have to come. Yeah. And once they do get there, it's going to be a fucking party yeah dude i'm gonna have rage fest i'm gonna have what's it called when you have that thing that goes it like blows out no not a vuvuzela it's like a paper mache thing and then it blows out yeah it sucks back in a party popper or like um yeah a noisemaker, not even any of those. What's that thing? How do you even search that on Google? Party horn?

A party horn, is it? How would you even describe that? I would describe it as a party horn. Let's see. Are you searching? Yeah. Party horn. Oh, wow.

Look at that. A party horn is a horn formed from a paper tube that's correct that doesn't even sound familiar to me yeah and actually another one another way to say it is noisemaker and another way to say it is paper tongue paper tongue interesting but i said two of the three yeah party horn and i guess it's just like not a very common vernacular because you didn't think they were right yeah anyway i'm gonna bring a party horn uh so it's gonna be insane so you know right off the bat there will be a party horn and then uh it's also a wednesday which you know wednesday orange county that's like sort of when the oc came out weird wednesdays what the fuck wednesday what the friday yeah nice nice wednesday though yeah well it's on yeah it's gonna be on a wednesday right

um so hopefully we guys can see you there um it's gonna be our first shows in quite a bit since montreal yeah it'll be good to get back to Canada. I can't wait to be too slightly too drunk on stage. Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait until I make that mistake again. Yeah. I haven't been hung over in a minute. Really? And I was just like full on drunk in the Montreal airport. Yeah. That was a good time. There's nothing weirder than being drunk going through customs. I have never experienced that before. That was a very time there's nothing weirder than being drunk going through customs i have never experienced that before that was a very unique experience yeah it's like you know at the end of a night at a bar when you're just like drunk and tired and like the best thing is the

part where you're like yeah in your kitchen yeah like cold food from the refrigerator yeah you didn't think you did and then you sleep for like eight hours and it's the best so instead of eating the food in the kitchen in the sleep it's walking through a line of strangers that woke up at 4 a.m it's yeah showing people like drunkenly showing uh a tsa agent your passport yeah asking what he's doing what are you doing in canada I was lost. I got lost in the airport. Me and Sam couldn't find our gate. What a weird position to be in, to just go from the bar to an airport. Yeah, absurd.

And yet I feel like that happens a lot, especially at the end of these fests. Yeah. We should try to do that in Orange County. Oh, that's a good idea. We'll just drive drunk home after the show. Oh, that's really good. Fucking rage fest, dude. It's actually cool to drive drunk oh i was thinking the same yeah because like a lot of adults are all like no don't like a kid was just showing his parents the podcast just during this

part mom don't worry it's actually really helpful funny No, they're funny. They're funny, but a lot of the stuff they do is actually smart. It's cool to drive drunk. It's cool to be a drunk driver. Oh, so you find this funny? We're not even kidding. And now they're making fun of me, the parent said. Now, obviously, you should indeed drive drunk yeah of course you get that i'm not gonna backtrack from this bit and say you shouldn't drive drunk now driving drunk is the

like the one thing that even cool people don't really do right like the the weed commercials like cool people are laughing at like yeah like you can really get into a car accident when you're high. No, that's not that. Whatever. Yeah. But then it's like, no,

I actually don't drive drunk. Don't drive drunk. Yeah. Breaking rules is cool, but not that one. Yeah. The coolest thing you could do is a break a rule, except if the rule is to drive drunk.

So in conclusion, stay in school, don't drive drunk and be real cool nice um some weird cartoon dog at a at a back to school seminar i'm not i don't have sunglasses but i have like cool glasses so i am still a cool cartoon dog. Hipster cartoon dog. Oh, that's good. Like a Spuds McKenzie, but he's a hipster. Do you think I'm a hipster? Oh, God, why do you sit like that? Just for everybody at home, he's sitting like a pretzel,

his legs fully behind his head. He is a Gandhi-type man. Speaking into the mic that he has shoved into his anus there's a there's a party horn in his butthole uh before we get back into it i have one thing that i want to plug and i apologize but i'm to plug this for a friend of mine named Walter, a.k.a. Pippi Babcock from Adelaide, one of our Australia shows. I think I discussed this on the podcast that I followed him on Instagram. He Instagram messaged me, and he asked me if i would give him a shout out for this talent show wow he's in okay he needs to be voted for okay i just so nobody gets an idea i will not do this

for anyone else okay except for walter got it so this is for him this is a this is an ad this is borderline this is a free advertisement yeah we are reaching roughly a hundred thousand listeners and this is we have their ears we have000 listeners we have their ears we have their attention we have their full concentration but really if you're going to do one thing on your computer today search the Royal Adelaide Show on Facebook

and take a second to find Walter's entry and vote for him he gave me a URL but I don't think anyone's going to it's long yeah it's https colon backslash backslash a a dot p g t b dot like you know right it's nobody's gonna be able to write it down so you're saying go on facebook so this is what i did i went on facebook and i searched

the royal adelaide show uh Show, and it came right up. And it's a talent show where you like a video? Yeah, I think, well, I guess. I mean, I voted for him. How did you vote? If you scroll down from their page, there's a link that's like, vote for our entrance,

and then you can click on his name. Okay. And his name is walter buckley and is it one of those things where you know how many people have voted so far oh i wonder i don't know if i do because if it's like in the teens and stuff we can just fucking create a little walter avalanche and have him win yeah that's Yeah, that's true. I don't know what the... So what's his talent? He sings. He sings a Billy Joel song. And if you guys want to see an adorable 15-year-old

sing a Billy Joel song, it's very much worth it. He's good. When Pippi Babcock sent me this video, I was like, oh, I don't want to feel bad. I don't want it to be like a shitty video. But I showed it to you.

Did you think it was great? Yeah, I couldn't believe that that adult tone was coming out of that teenager's mouth. Yeah. He sounds like Billy Joel. I'm going to vote for him right now. It's actually Billy Joe. Huh? It's not Billy Joel.

It's Billy Joe. That's not true, dude. billy joe that's not true dude uptown girl up this town girl it up i'll be frank with everybody it does want a lot of information okay but once you put in that social security number it sort of auto fills in the rest it's not that bad it's all right tell you what if if it is a double email verification no it's not that bad. All right, tell you what. It is a double email verification. No, it's not that bad either. They send you a letter in the mail. You fill out a form. Hire a messenger. They give them your bank account.

They're going to take a dollar just to make sure that you're... Yeah, obviously. And then you... Do you know your bank account routing number? Do you know the bank account number? No. Do you have your passport scanned? It's easier to get into Canada than it is to cast a vote.

For Walter, for Pippi Babcock. And then you vote for him and that's it? And then he wins the talent show? Yeah. So you know what his talent is? His talent is actually knowing you. It's not actually singing Billy Joel, is it? Well, I'll encourage all of our listeners to watch

all the videos. You know what? You're right. You don't have to vote for Walter. Make an informed decision. I'm just promoting the Adelaide Royal Show. Make your own informed decision, but I feel like you'll find Walter's Billy Joel is top

notch. Oh yeah, see, I um... You can't see what the what the score is right now it's that close well 65 000 people like the page need we say less all right i think we gave more time to to pippi babcock than anybody else yeah that was 40 that was a 48 minute plug holy shit i'm sweating. Let's try to answer one last question before we have to bit of bounce out of here. Alright.

We sort of answered the three questions that we were going to get to on the show. So do you want to search our email right now? Find a question live on the show. It's bonus Thursday episode time. Things are getting a little loosey-goosey a little experimental last time was a lightning round this time we're going to try to

find a question on the actual show itself live so how would you like to how do you propose we go about doing is it random do you want to search a keyword yeah i'll i'll come up with a word that i think there has to be only a few of wow our email okay 14 500 emails in this box 14 000 emails i want to search a term or a phrase one word oh one word that i think is gonna get us down it's only gonna appear in in less than 100 oh less than 100 no i'll go i'll go take a bigger swim 25 it's gonna be less than 100. No, I'll go take a bigger swim. 25. It's going to be less than 25. Okay. Juxtaposition. Juxto.

Juxta? Yeah. Juxto. J-U-X-T-A position. This is insane. This is beyond flooring. How many emails? It's one. What?

And it's a question we've already answered. Is it really? According to my records, yes. We answered it on January 7th, 2014. Wow. What was it? Something about family's religion and meeting someone's significant other.

Good stuff. So I'll come up with another one. Dandy. I think there's going to be more than... D-A-N-D-Y. Yeah. Dandy. I'm imagining somebody would be like, everything was fine in Dandy, and then this happened okay

um there's 21 okay some of them are ads uh so within the 21 give me a number one through 21 18 all right jake and amir this is we've never read this before. This is an email from July 12th, 2013. From 2013? That's right. This is over two years ago. So this person probably doesn't even listen to the show anymore. Oh, that's probably good.

I don't know. This is a month after we created the podcast. Wow. Jake and Amir. So I've been flirting with this girl for a couple weeks, but we haven't really gotten anywhere. I mean, we have come to know each other pretty well, but we haven't really advanced anywhere i mean we have come to know each other pretty well but we haven't really advanced on the boyfriend girlfriend front now that's all fine and dandy i knew it except for the juxtaposition what no no that's all fine and dandy except for the fact

that a couple nights ago i met another girl and we instantly hit it off. We had a lot of fun and got further that first night with her than I did in a week with the other girl. Basically, I want to let the first girl know that I met somebody else so that I'm not keeping her on the hook when I have moved on. I like both of them and I would prefer to stay friends with them, but

mainly I just want to tell the first girl to move on as nicely as possible. What would you do if you were me? Wait, you're just flirting with her, right? Or was it a date? He was just flirting with a girl for a couple of weeks, but hasn't really gotten anywhere. So, yeah, you don't have to break up with that person. It sounds like you didn't.

It sounds like you failed. What are you talking about? He had a failure to launch. He hit on somebody for weeks. they basically rejected him yeah he met somebody else and now he wants to go and break up with honey this isn't working out yeah i know i rejected you i just don't see us there's not sparks as right i agree i actually and i this is going to fucking pain you to hear. Right, no. I actually met somebody else.

The other girl probably doesn't like him either. But this is something that happens. You can sort of get stuck in a flirtation cycle where nothing really escalates. You have to sort of, you have to add more gasoline or fire or take a risk or a swing before. It's hard. I text Jake.

I actually get a lot of things like this that are like, we're flirting over text, but like, I don't know how to turn it into anything else. You have to escalate. I think the next, the invariably, the first thing that you have to do

is turn it from a text message to a date like that's the first yeah that's the ultimately that's the goal of the text it's so true because texting is not the goal texting is the means to the end so texting allows you to start a texting is the first thing you need text it's like the the twigs well i feel like this is the unnatural evolution right it's like there's a group of people all hanging out and it's like you're interested in one person but how do you get a private conversation going that's the text that's why you walk up to them and say hello my name is jacob i would like to engage you in a private conversation yes follow me i have your seven digit telephone number, area code included if you don't live in the area.

Otherwise, I know its current code. It's three, lambda, alpha. She's macing you. My eyes are impervious to this gasp. So you get her phone number. And that's a private conversation. But then that's not the end. Now you need to get into an actual private date.

A private meeting and greeting. So the evolution from single-celled organism in a water to an amphibian that crawls out of the water into a primate and then eventually a human or the sex. Wait, the amphibian crawls into a primate? Well, it crawls out of the water, basically. Up inside of a monkey. A chimpanzee's asshole.

And that's the missing link. It incubates. Yeah. It's a cocoon. And then the chimpanzee tears open its chest. It's a lizard man. And he's British. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He eschews the food chain. We're not longer even giving this guy advice. We're just talking about how... You don't need to break up with the girl who you've been flirting with if you meet somebody. You also have only... It's been one night

with the other person. It's been one night since you've met the girl. I just launch into it. Even the fast part I have it down. A parody. Listen, this guy It's been one night and he wants to break up with the other girl for the girl that he probably doesn't

have yet. I feel bad. This email was written two years ago. There's an 80% chance 80 chance this man is dead i mean we're talking to a fucking ghost not this is not to say of anything regarding the two ladies who are two also dead more often than not they will be deceased by the time we reach them um so to you oh to you i say thank you for writing in i i'm gonna respond to this guy's email be like oh thank you so much for writing in we just got to your email glad you included the word dandy two and a half years later uh all right that's it thank you uh to two and a half years so he like basically didn't get the satisfaction of getting his question answered and we only made fun of him.

They could be married at this point. I ended up marrying both of them. Thank you for writing it to anybody who's ever written it. We're trying to get to everybody. Obviously, we have more than we can eschew. But we're doing our best. That email address, if you have your own questions, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

And if you have your own theme song, we actually start and end every episode. This is episode 173, and we've started and ended every episode with a new theme song, give or take a few. The opening one was by Ollie, Sam, and Colm. And this closing one is by James Sherlock. Today is Thursday. We'll be back on Monday, our regularly scheduled programming.

Later. Ta-ra. If you've got a smoke show on your hands Or you need to put someone on blast And if you're losing your time Well, here's what I'd do Oh, here's what I'd do If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you