Segments - 175: Moon Facts

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

In this episode we discuss droughts, jupiter, and geography. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, MeUndies, and Squarespace. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Well, then it gets kind of awkward, but... Yo, do you? Let's check the picture near the hotline. Email them if they're in the same situation. And if I will show my Gmail.com. Pretty sweet. Very sweet. It was actually really sweet. I loved how sweet it was. It was saccharine. It was actually really sweet. I loved how sweet it was.

It was saccharin. It was sugar. It was so sugary. It was agave. It was bad for me. It was liquid, yeah. It was natural sweetener. Dehydrating. That is correct.

Yeah, it's actually not good for you. Even though it's a natural sweetener, it's just as bad for you. I'd rather it be honey, because honey is actually better for you than fruit sugar. Now, yes, that is correct and then that came to us from gugu gaga in cape town south africa wait what's her name gugu gugu gugu from south africa that's pretty cool yeah i didn't know we had fans in South Africa. We should go to South Africa. Weren't we just there? Oh, no. That was Australia. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it's the same country. Is Holland? Holland and Netherlands are like the same, and South Africa and Australia are the same. Huh. It's all just like... I'm well-traveled. We should buy a map, and I'll put a pin in Johannesburg. Yeah, because that's where we went.

Yeah. We went to Sydney in Johannesburg. Yeah, because that's where we went. Yeah. We went to Sydney and Johannesburg. It's all just, you know, bizarro America speaking English in a funny accent. Yeah. So England, Australia, South Africa, these are all normals. And then there's the secondary places,

which is like normals speaking a slightly different language. So that's Hispania, Portugal, Mexico. Yeah. Costa Rica. Keep on going because I feel like you're going to say something really racist. And then the third layer. America normal. The third layer is weirdos speaking a different language.

All of a sudden, that's a fucking different planet. We're talking Iceland. We are talking Sweden. We're talking Nigeria. We're talking Cameroon. We're talking iceland we are talking sweden we're talking nigeria we're talking we're talking china harussia and then lastly we're talking bottom of the barrel for the world i feel complicit in this bit because i was doing it up top but i do not condone it the moon which is a different planet than ours uh thank you is the moon a different planet uh actually no

you're right it's not a planet it's a moon yeah do you know i actually learned some interesting facts this weekend by the way this these are all right i'll try i'll try to remember do you know how many moons jupiter has i'll say nine you'll say nine yeah what would you do if i told you you were off by why don't you try to guess how many number how much you're off by now okay nine so you think jupiter either has zero or 18 moons that's right okay now try to try to fucking wrap your dick around i'm gonna tell I want to tell you one thing. You are way off. Okay. Do you care to venture a third previously thought to be outlandish guess? 111. You've finally gone too high. You nailed it.

The answer is 67. That's a lot of moons. It's a lot of moons. Also, do you know how many astronauts have been on our moon? This game was a lot of fun to play with a bunch of drunk people at a bar. How many astronauts? Wait, were you just looking at moonfacts.com? I don't know how I started.

No, it was like, I think we started talking about, oh, it started off because Dave, we were like talking to these people who, our friend Nick told the story of how Dave didn't think the moon was real. Right, of course. And then we started talking about the moon. And then I think Jeff, Dave's brother, said that only the Apollo 11, I think it was Apollo 11, but only Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin had been on the moon. He thought there was only one

mission in the moon and nobody else had gone got it and i so then i was like well i found out how many people had walked on the moon oh walked on the moon yeah isn't it sad that there was a third person that didn't walk on the moon yeah nobody do you know his name no neil armstrong buzz aldrin and roger star blumpus Frunk. It's like driving to New York and then everyone's like, all right, let's finally get out of the car. And you're like, I'm going to wait in here and play Game Boy. Tell me when we're driving back to LA.

Hey, Neil, I have a good idea for a quote. So how many people have been on the moon? You don't want to guess? Oh. Everybody out there can guess along. Only Americans? I don't think anybody else from any country has been on the moon. Really? But actually, I don't know that.

Yeah, has there ever been a Russian cosmonaut? But did they walk on the moon? Maybe they have. That's really interesting. Yeah, that's why we put our flag in there. Take it the fuck out if you want. We get the moon. We claimed it for the U.S. of A.

U.S.A. U.S u.s.a u.s.a 28 28's wrong but it's pretty close oh 18 oh i think it was 18 now i don't remember if it was 18 or 20 oh shit i gotta you're listening to some vague moon facts on if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir jupiter's got 11 moons i was way out here's another fact i sort of know um two females on the moon seems about right i don't know maybe there has been a dog maybe there hasn't again i was in space these are all guesses these are all absolute guesses all right how many people have walked on the moon 12 all right any ladies um let's see 12 of these astronauts walked on the moon's surface and six of those drove lunar roving vehicles on the moon oh that's the best

while three astronauts flew to the moon twice none of them landed on the moon more than once the nine apollo missions to the moon occurred between december 1968 and december 1972 wait everybody on the moon has been on the moon in those four years nobody's been on the moon since is that what's 1972 i guess so nobody's walked on the moon since 1972? Interesting. What the hell is that? How come all these fucking guys from the 60s and 70s get to chill on the moon and all these modern-day astronauts are just, what, floating around in space near the moon?

They don't get to walk on the shit? What are you looking up now? The last person to walk on the moon. And did he moonwalk? Apollo 17. When was that? I can't really find it right now but it looks like i mean was it december 1972 probably right because that's this guy does not look young so maybe dead so walking on the moon is more rare than being president yeah like what else has only 12 people done?

There's less unassisted triple, or no, there's more unassisted triple plays. Wow. It's more likely to do that than to walk on the moon. That's why I guess it's pretty impressive that you and I are going to outer space. That's right. Now's the time we make the announcement. We're doing a live show on the north crag of the moon

are you think like the moon has like subsections that have names like that yeah like kind of everest has like names like oh we're landing on top sphere a right i bet they're like definitely i magna crago i wonder i mean yeah i think they're they're like craters named on the moon for sure yeah but do other countries have to agree to those names or is it just like we'll call them those names? Probably not, right? Unless, I don't know how it works. Well, if they don't like the names,

they can touch the fucking moon themselves. Yeah, we get to name it. Because we went there for us to have it, to have for us. To own it, to be there. And if you don't want for us to be there, then you get there before us. And Neil Armstrong is the king of the moon. Because he was the one that was there the first time.

Neil owns the moon. And we are just all citizens of the other ten people that have been on the moon. So it goes, Neil Armstrong. I'd actually like to join the moon's army. What do you mean? I mean every single country and continent has an army. Sure. Why doesn't the moon have one?

I said sure prematurely because I don't think every country and continent has an army. You don't think Antarctica has an army? You should join Antarctica's army. No, I fight for the moon. I think you first have to join the Antarctic army. Does that seem like some kind of dystopian future movie? Like, I'm in the moon army, I'm in the Antarctic army. Yeah, the Antarctic army.

The Antarctic army. That's awesome, dude. Thank you. That's so cool, dude. That's nice. For you to say so cool dude that's not for you to say that yeah it's so tight that you you think so big dude i think like you think globally and glocally i do think locally you also think interstellarly so like you're not bound by atmospheric pressure gravity or anything people are so consumed with their fucking

apartment then people think oh i think big i'm thinking about the whole block and then guess what i think globally no i think i think galactically i think intergalactically i'm talking wormholes black holes sustainable like are you worried about like sustainable meat no dude because i honestly that's all earth shit that's earth shit so like what did you have for breakfast today i had pink hot dog slurry yeah i i butt chugged a frankfurter frankfurters the ballpark frank and but why is that why did you butt chug a frankfurter because in your mind you're already living in mars and that's how people do shit up there. That's why I fight for the Martian army. When does the Matt Damon movie come out

where he's stuck on the moon? Oh, I don't know, but you saw he got, our boy got into a little bit of trouble. Can we just talk about this for a second? You think Matt, he interrupted and he mansplained. He mansplained and he whitesplained. Yeah. And he hydroplained. Matt, Iained and he whitesplained. Yeah. And he hydroplained.

And I think, Matt, I think you got some splaining to do. Very good. Very good. Should we start revering a different hero? Because it appears as though Matt is actually flawed, more so than we thought. We all make, I think Matt Damon making this mistake proves that everybody, nobody's perfect.

Damon fucked up. Pitt. Pitt would never do this shit. No, Brad, are you kidding me, dude? He's so fucking, he's sensitive. Brad has like a bunch of. But he's also cut. I don't know.

He has hot hair and hot eyes. He's not as perfect as Matt Damon used to be. Who do you think is a better actor? Matt Damon's a better actor. Is he? I think so. Does Damon have range or is he always just like this cool, white, smart dude? Yeah, but that's kind of what Brad Pitt is too.

But Brad Pitt does cool, white, smart dude, but he also does like a rugged cool army dude. Yeah. Oh, I guess he did Snatch. He was pretty unique, a unique character in that. Snatch. Yeah. That was cool.

And he also sometimes plays like sad guy. When does he play sad guy? Like in, in there's a movie where he's like, uh, he's what Babel. He's plays a sad guy. I don't remember.

I never saw Babel. Okay. Sorry about that. Matt Damon really destroyed my world this week. Everything is different. Well, let's try to answer some questions regardless of the world as according to Matt Damon. We get emails from people in sticky situations. They're seeking our advice because they can't reach Damon.

They can only reach us. So these are real emails from real people. If you have your own, send them over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Again, thank you to Gugu from Cape Town, South Africa. To you, we say thank you. Beautiful song. Yep.

Biu Biu from Gugu. And this question is actually written and recorded. It wasn't actually recorded. It was just written by a high schooler. Can I get a name for this high schooler? A high schooler? Let's call him...

What about the name of your high school? Okay. Hamden Hall. That could be a cool name, actually. Hi, my name is hamden hamden hall that's actually a really chill name really i really think because the hh is kind of strong yeah should i you know don't worry about it i was yeah i i see where you're going and i don't want you to do anything like that yeah don't change your name is what i wasn't going to all right i was so uh call me hamden oh all right hamden writes here's the situation i'm

a senior in high school for most of my time in high school i have struck out with the ladies the last time i hooked up with someone was more than two years ago however i finally decided to start taking things more seriously and I've got five or six irons in the fire right now. Things genuinely do seem to be going well. I'm thinking that I'll probably be successful with one of these chicks in the next month or so. However, since I'm just coming off a long drought, I am nervous about hooking up with some of these people and making a fool out of myself by being clumsy slash out of practice. How can I get warmed up enough not to be laughed at like a dumb clown? I love the show.

You guys are cools of yourself. Peace and peaches. Love, Hamden Hall. All right, HH. He's looking for a fuck practice dummy dollar human because he doesn't want to play pickup basketball without you know shooting some hoops beforehand especially when he's been on a two-year two-year-long drought yeah a million a miller genuine drought that's for real that's's two years is a long time.

That's a drought. That's a muscles will atrophy in that time. I'm surprised that he was able to hook. Usually, if it's a two-year-long drought in high school, I would imagine you just go. It's like an 18-year-long drought. Yeah. It's rare to hook up in freshman year. I was a pimp when i was 14

i was the coolest hottest most ass-getting guy oh maybe it was like cool in middle school not in high school it's possible though didn't that happen to you uh i was cool in yeah yes like didn't you hook up as a 14 year old and then not again for a little bit while oh yeah yeah freshman but then i got i i was like a little way of freshman and sophomore year were pretty hard didn't hook up uh i mean a little bit but not very much and then and it still kills you to this day it was it's the braces dude you have braces and you just don't feel like, I don't think I kissed anybody the entire time I had braces, probably. But now braces are like, I feel like they're made to be a little

bit more discreet, a little cooler. It's not as big of a deal. Yeah, you can get Invisalign. I had a fucking expander. I had a chin cup. I had braces. I had a nose guard. Right. Because I would be bumping into shit your teeth were growing through your cheeks right my teeth yes my teeth are coming out like a mara whale yeah and i had one horn that uh penetrated from the roof of my mouth upward into my brain you were a triskeletops because you had two devil horns and then you had a growth on your nose. I was a rhinoceros for 9th, 10th, and half of 11th grade. And then I had this... You had a thick, thick skin.

I had a thick enamel, yeah. A cone. It was almost like a small traffic cone that started at the base of my brain and went up. There was a bidding for a license to kill you. Yeah, I was rare game. And a dentist actually tried to murder me, a la Cecil the Lion. Only you weren't beloved, so no one stood up for you. Everyone cheered.

They thought I was dead, but I was just playing it. They positively reviewed that dentist's Yelp page. He was known as the dentist of the year in Minneapolis, Minnesota. So what does this guy do uh how does one practice can one practice for sex without or can one practice for looking up six irons in the fire that does sound like practice you have to dive back in well irons in the fire just means texts flirtations things of that nature but i mean like i think that's what it is you're just getting back in the game you're flirting with girls hopefully that converts to you seeing somebody hopefully that converts to you kissing somebody you know like that's the practice there's not what are you saying like

can this guy just go and use a fleshlight and siri yeah is that the equivalent of practice? Just asking Siri to fucking... There's no... Siri, talk dirty to me. The carpet needs vacuuming. Oh, that's kind of funny. Yeah, she's pretty good. Hey, Siri. You actually...

I'm getting pretty hard. Wait. What are you gonna... Siri What are you going to? Siri, are you attracted to me? I'm sorry, Jake. I'm afraid I can't answer that. Because you're afraid of how deep your feelings will go? Who, me?

Forget it. You're obviously not taking this seriously. Is there practice? I'm afraid the only practice is doing it. I genuinely want to try to flirt with Siri more. I really think I can get her on my team. I think I could get her off there's a reason people aren't good at

this kind of stuff until they do it is because at first there is no substitution for the real thing right you can masturbate yeah but even masturbating is just so different

that I feel like even when I've jerked off before a date it's still you know someone touching you and talking to you and being a real person what would you say the metaphor is masturbation is to sex as what's another parallel you can think for a little bit i'll i'll either stall or cut out time depending on how long it takes you okay well let's pretend like you stall for a second and i'll try to think but if i take a really long time then we'll just cut it snip snip all right masturbation is to sex as you're already thinking about food right food was the exact first sex is like a really nice steak dinner. Okay. So masturbation is to sex.

Oh, like dinner is to... Well, dinner is the masturbation. Oh, okay. So what's like if the sex is a really nice, the best meal you've ever had? Well, I feel like sex is the meal. So say sex is dinner yeah what do you do you're yeah preparing for dinner yeah like is it like snacking or is it even less than that i don't think it's a rich cracker because snacking would be like hooking up

it's not it's it's like not food it's just completely not even food. It's like masturbation as to sex as like video games as to a nice dinner. Or because it's really, it's so unrelated. Vomiting. Vomiting. The opposite of dinner. Food coming out of you. Yeah, it's like counterproductive to dinner and but it like still feels cathartic in a way so some people puke before dinner to make room or to prepare your esophagus exactly

so like i'll often vomit before a dinner it's called reverse bulimia how about shitting is to dinner oh because shitting like masturbating feels really good. It sort of clears the system for... That might be the one. So masturbation is to sex as shitting is to eating dinner. Does that make sense? Put that on a t-shirt, Wolf. Global will actually come up with various t-shirts that don't necessarily come from something you said, but still attribute it to you.

But since he's not technically selling it it's not illegal it's so fucked uh i like that metaphor um i also one of the things that i like about this question is that it vacillates between the most uh confident guy in the world and the least confident guy so he's like i'm probably gonna hook up in a month uh that being said, I haven't hooked up with anyone, and I'm afraid of being laughed at like a dumb clown. Where does he get his confidence from? I finally started to take things seriously. I've got six irons in the fire.

Like he's also just saying, the only reason I haven't hooked up in two years is because I didn't have my head in the game. Isn't it weird to think that high schoolers might be on Tinder? Is that a thing? Yeah, I guess you could be. Oh, yeah, 18. You're allowed to be on it when you're 18?

Yeah. Well, you could also definitely just lie about it, right? It doesn't take... I think it's attached to your Facebook, but I don't know if you can lie on that. And then just reverse lie. Yeah, I think you can. That's awesome, dude.

Imagine that. So cool. I'd get hooked up with so much at my high school if I had Tinder as an 18-year-old. Imagine me or, I guess, most 18-year-old boys on Tinder. Who would you find? Yeah, just, I don't know, lots and lots and lots of other 18-year-old boys.

Catfishing each other. So how can I get warmed up enough not to be laughed at? It seems as though you can try. Yeah, you just can't. I think you just have to be like, of these six people that, these six irons that are in the fire, just hang out with one of them you know yeah keep on trying and then and hope it let her know that she's practice yeah after you're done say well that wasn't too bad but

you know practice makes perfect all those other men were practice what's that they were practice is that a song for me for me what is that for me. What is that? For me. Drake. What? He's saying other guys are, oh, all the other guys you've been with are practice for me. Right. Yeah, shouldn't you be the best at sex at your current age? Because you've had the most experience now? Yeah, but I think, well, I guess it probably at a certain point starts to dip, right? Because I think I care about sex less now than when I was like 23, 24. Oh, so your brain space is less occupied with sex. Well, actually, I don't know. I think I'm probably a better lover than I was then.

I think I could like, I'm definitely more thoughtful now. If that helps. I care more about the other person enjoying it than i did when i was younger right when you're younger you're just like oh i'm fucking and it feels so good it's amazing yeah and now and now i think it's i view it as more of a dual person experience right well you want to be good maybe because it's easier to tell people if you're not it's easier to there's like apps and stuff that was like how good was he so it's like you got to focus on the other person which is it might be a bad way to get to it but it's kind of a good way to think about it

it's like if you only think about the other person because you want to like make sure that they're having the best time of their lives that might be the best way to go at it yeah you should always be thinking wanting the other person to feel great i guess if you get to that mentality because you're worried about your lulu score then then you're an asshole but also doing a good thing yeah is that like the ends justify the means yeah what's that metaphor uh so having sex with someone when you're only thinking about them is like eating healthy because you're allergic to oil. Or eating healthy because you want to fuck more people. Yeah. It's a bad reasoning, but it's also a good idea.

A net positive. It's also a good tip for guys because it'll feel good for you regardless, so you might as well not even think about it feeling good for you. In fact, try to do the opposite. Make it feel as bad for you regardless so you might as well not even think about it feeling good for you try to in fact try to do the opposite make it feel as bad for you as humanly as possible that way you're just focused on the other person you'll last as long as possible or as long as you're possible capable of doing it and then you're all your focus and energy and attention are on the other person truth truth do you ever accidentally come when you were thinking about your grandfather oh like i'm gonna think about something unsexy and it's too late yeah i mean not my not your grandfather but mine definitely not actually maybe yours yeah a couple times and i thought about yours but i was just

masturbating it wasn't anybody else right right right right do you think about someone else while you're masturbating cybered with my grandfather. You did a Skype call. Oh, dear God, man. Do I ever think about someone else? You're masturbating, and then you're like, oh, think on sexy thoughts, because I want it to last longer for me. So you're like lying to yourself retroactively. No, because you could just stop masturbating.

Oh, like move your hand. Yeah. Do you ever do that? Like this is going too fast for me even. I have to like slow my your hand. Yeah. Do you ever do that? Like this is going too fast for me even. I have to like slow my own roll. Yeah. Even though it feels good, you want it to last longer. Yeah, yeah.

I'll tease myself. You ever heard of edging, dog? So what is the edging? That's like getting yourself to the precipice and then going down. It's sort of practice for lasting longer. I don't know if it's practice. It just feels good to jerk off for a longer time. But doesn't the orgasm feel the best?

Yeah, but it feels especially good if you edge it, if you tease yourself all the way to the brain. To get the fucking, as close as possible, like a teetering over the edge and then go down. Kind of like squeezing a half-filled bottle of water. We're both jerking off right now. All right. Edge it, dude.

Have you ever edged so hard you just Hershey squirted a bit? You know when you kick a Capri Sun and a single pump comes out? I thought you meant you shit a little bit. I need to cum so bad that something's getting out of my body one direction or the other. You edge so hard you start crying and puking. You shit. Easy. Everything is such a delicate.

All the liquid in my body needs to be expelled. Blood out of every single fucking pore. I explode. Mercy. All right. Ah, mercy. All right, let's take a break. And we'll be right back with a couple more questions. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Holler. Ah. Hey, so some bad news oh shit i yelled holler a little bit prematurely why'd you make me holler what's what is it yeah i'll always remember feeling like a fool as i got this bad news because i hollered uh friday october no thursday, October 1st, we're going to be in Toronto for a live podcast. Boom.

Our first ever podcast in Toronto. Our most popular Facebook city. We have more Facebook fans in Toronto than any other city. So we're expecting an insane show. Yeah, we gonna party. Like it's my birthday. And it will be. Actually, yeah, October 1st.

Pretty cool. I legally changed it i legally changed my age i've changed my birthday six times this year you can change it up but you can't go down so i'm 41 now unfortunately uh and then we have a it's called jake and amir and friends on friday october 2nd i don't know if we spent a lot of time talking about Jake and Amir and Friends. Right. That's going to be us doing more sketchy stand-up stuff and seeing other hilariously talented stand-up acts who are going to be part of the Toronto Just for Laughs comedy festival. So, if you want to see us, but you were too late and the podcast sold out, you can still come see us on Friday night and we'll get to hang out. we'll get to tell some jokes we'll get to do some shit and i'll be blowing cocaine in the back no i will be

cocaine is the pa that's helping us out yes she and she is quite a lovely lady and she does have a penis which is why i will be blowing her uh so I think there are tickets, either individual tickets or festival passes, still available on the Toronto Just for Laughs comedy website. It'll be a fun festival. Come out. Come on. There's funny people there. Pete Holmes will be there.

T.J. Miller will be there. Other funny peoples will be there. Just like Montreal, but I would say a little bit a little bit colder it's later on in the season and uh would you say toronto is west or east of montreal i would say you had to guess huh i think it's east yeah i'll say east uh i don't even want to check because i'm that's how sure we aren't yeah so come i mean if you live in Toronto, you already know exactly where it is. Right. We also have a show at the Irvine Improv on October 14th.

But, you know, you guys probably already knew about that, too. What else? Do we have anything else to talk about before we fucking get into it? Not too much. Have we talked about on this show how Keegan michael key was on black man can't jump uh i don't think so uh well that was a pretty exciting yeah we haven't actually talked about head gum in a while well let's let's just really quick mention because i listened to this episode i think two weeks ago toronto is west of Montreal. And I lost all credibility as I'm plugging something else.

Very far. This is a, wow, I was just, it seemed so correct. And it's so, remember this moment next time you're sure of something. I was so sure that Toronto is where Montreal is on this map and Montreal is where Toronto is. Like Montreal is above like Vermont, eastern New York, and then Toronto is basically west of New York. The distance of New York is what separates those two cities, Toronto being further west. You don't think of it like that.

You think of Toronto as the eastern most. You really do. Yeah. And when I say you, I mean specifically you and I. Yes. Sorry. Keegan-Michael Key. Anyway.

Keegan-Peele was on Black Man Can't Jump, a podcast on the HeadGum Network, three funny dudes discussing the roles of African American in cinema. And that class was sort of like a fucking graduate school lecture. Yeah, I mean, it was like poignant, funny. It was, I don't know. It was touching and hilarious. Yeah.

And also, it kind of makes you a little angry sometimes, too. You know, they're like... This podcast is candy. And if you're looking for a real meal, we highly suggest Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. Right. And then if you want even more dessert, Twinnovation is also on Friday, which is our boys just riffing about dumbass ideas they have. Yeah, it's funny that those two.

Our Friday shows could not be more different. Right. One, Keegan-Michael Key is talking about the role of the black man in Hollywood, Sidney Poitier winning the first Oscar as an African-American. Dealing with real racism while this shoot is happening. Right. And then you click over to Twinnovation, and I don't know, Dave is talking about

installing troughs at a bathroom so you don't have to go to the bathroom. I think his thing on, oh wait, no, that Friday, what was his, oh, it was the belly butt-off. Yeah. A plug for your belly button. So there's that too. It's something for everybody

and hopefully it delights both of your senses because you do need to learn a little bit but you also want to have a little bit of fun. You know we're up to 16 podcasts on the HeadGum Network.

That's really on point. Latest one being the fantasy football one that I'm currently in. 1-0. Not a huge deal. I did have a pretty bad week. Luckily I was playing the worst player

in the league, so I won. Who's the worst? That's the beauty of fantasy football. As long as you get lucky, you can still win. Who did you beat? I beat Adam Lustick, Adam's championship team. But two of my players got injured in the middle of their games, which wasn't good.

Yeah, it's not good at all. Alright. Let's get back to answering some real questions. I mean, otherwise, how are we supposed to help people, you know? Mm-hmm. All right, this one is written by a lady. Maybe we should give her my high school's name. That's a nice idea. Milken?

Yeah, Milken Community High School. Writes, I have a friend whose company I enjoy very much. About six months ago, I met her boyfriend and realized not long after that, I was starting to crush on him a little bit. I feel horrible, but I can't help it. I know the smart thing to do is just suppress those feelings, but it's difficult. And I started to feel extremely guilty. I really love my friend and I would never want to hurt her. And the two of them make a really dope couple. I mean, they are really happy. Then I started thinking about them as a couple and well, I'll just cut to the chase here. Before I knew it, I realized that I really liked my friend too. And I think I want to know them a little bit better, biblically speaking. That's right, fellas, a menage a trois.

And I am talking about pee in vajee, and then adding a supplementary secondary vajee. This thought has consumed me, and every time we are together, I have the urge to act on it, mostly because part of me genuinely thinks they might be into it. Anyway, I know this is a crazy idea, and I swear I'm not normally so bold or hedonistic. The last thing I want to do is ruin their relationship or my friendship with either of them. I know these kinds of relationships don't usually work without

open consent and communication. At the same time, there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night, am I right? We all three have chemistry together, and it could be fun. They have joked around about polygamy before, so I don't know. Maybe it's not so crazy. I don't think I would be obsessing over it very much if I thought it was out of the realm of possibilities. So, guys, how do I make this happen? Or should I just give up on my hopes and dreams and stick with normal boring sex thanks for the advice love milken huh milken it's funny because if this was a guy writing it about

a guy and a girl he would be delusional crazy we would laugh at him it's like yeah you want to fuck another guy and a girl your friend you want to fuck this couple no they don't want to have sex with you dude but it is a girl thinking it so you know at the very least the guy would be down for sure one of the people in the relationship would be pumped about it uh god it's so interesting you you hear about couples looking for a third but you rarely hear about like one girl being like i'd be down to fuck this couple how do i talk talk to them about it? Yeah, I wonder if there's some lovely world where this couple is talking about how they wish they could talk to her. Oh, yeah.

You can't. How do you? How can you? I think, well, you've got to start with one of them. And I don't know if it's better to talk to the guy and convince the girl or talk to the girl and convince the guy. Because either one, you've got to want and convince the girl or talk to the girl and convince the guy because either one it's it's it's you gotta want to convince the girl i feel like that's the hard one is it harder to do that if you've already talked to the guy or will she feel like she was stabbed in the back yeah or

would it be better to talk to the girl one-on-one convince her and then it's like oh let's convince this guy but the guy you don't need to convince if you convince the girl you can just surprise the guy it'll happen it'll be funny if she convinces the guy and they surprise the girl we're fucking each other for your birthday this year we got you a menage it will be a it will be a poivre it will be a poivre. It will be a la mode. Ménage à poivre. Just liquid peppercorn sauce. Peppercorn ménage à toi. God, so salty and delicious. It's your birthday. You deserve a ménage.

Is that another Drake? No, I think that's Kanye. Kanye. What do you think i think if it seems like if they the way to do it is always through like joking a little bit yeah yeah so if they've been if you're hanging out like drinking a little bit yeah you let the joking come back in and then you're like and then just say you're down or whatever you know right you just have to like keep make that a joke you know you do you have when you joke you have to say it while you're like standing up and walking away so like they're all

having dinner together at the table keep drinking wine and then it's like joke joke joke and then yep yes this girl will stand up and take a plate and walk away and she's like all i know is that i'd be down you're walking away they're like oh what's going on like she's walking away with a plate you need to walk away with a plate or a cup otherwise it's just too in your face so you take a plate you take a cup you start walking away you say i don't know i'll i'd be i'd fuck you guys and then you have the the plate what is it yeah you have a plate or a cup and then you put it in the sink and then that diffuses the awkward silence because she's just hearing like and they can have this they'll have a look they'll share a moment whether it's implicit or explicit

whether it's implicit it's going to be elicit and you's going to be illicit. And you better hope to God he's not livid when he's thinking about the vivid, just with bright details, the idea of fucking his girlfriend and his girlfriend's friend. Right, which, oh, I mean, I'm fucking hard thinking about it. Of course, you are edging right now. I'm always edging. I thought this question was going to go a different way which is having a crush on your friends a significant other uh which it's this sort of is it is sort of still an issue right i always find it interesting when if you meet a friend significant other even if it's someone you'd be interested in or maybe this

is just for me it just feels so off limits that i like can never like find myself to be romantically interested it's almost like having a hot sibling like my brain won't allow myself to go there i think that i've been in both situations when you're it's easier when you're younger because i think your circles are smaller and you know less people so like when someone new comes around it's like oh shit how did my friend meet a girl like i want a girlfriend yeah this girl's perfect and now when my friends bring girlfriends around i'm like i know how to meet people i don't need them to introduce me to people but what if it's a if for even if it's a specifically attractive person i'm never just like

oh my god like as if she was somebody I met randomly. Yeah. Nobody's ever been, well, that's not true. I've been like attracted to my friends' girlfriends, but never to a point where it was like dangerous. You have a crush. Yeah. It's almost like your mind won't allow yourself to go fully into it. Right, right, right.

But this girl, it's too late for her. So how does she pull off this epic ordeal? First of all, I think she has an advantage because she is a lady. Right. It's not a guy asking another guy and a girl. You got to enter with the joke. It can't be serious. And then I think once you've said the joke or embraced their version of the joke, I think if they really want it, they'll harp on the joke.

And then you say something like, like wow you guys like keep on joking about i think you really want to do it yeah like and then let them just feed them feed the fan this fire a little spark at first just to get it going and then if you if it dies out instantly then so it goes and it might in front of you they might have a discussion later about it so don't think that it'll all happen at at that moment uh i do think you should it should be discussed a little tipsy it's hard to get into that kind of shit when you're bone sober at like a chipotle at 2 p.m right right i'm imagining like a dinner at home home-cooked meal i think you gotta stop imagining the dinner it's not sexy like but there has to be wine involved a pot roast

yeah like yeah it has broccoli tea which is like i know i'd be down i think if you need to be wine involved. If they make a pot roast and she just has broccoli in her teeth, she's like, I know, I'd be down. I think if you're in your like everyone's breath smells like meat. That's not hot. In my brain, it has to come after a meal, during a dessert. Everyone's sort of drunk off wine. Everybody's belts are undone. Yeah, you're feeling satiated. Yeah, you have a mead.

You're full of pork fat. I think you have a light dinner at home on your own, and you come over for a game night. You bring wine. You bring a mixer. Drinking game. Yeah. It's just alcohol.

Maybe, like, nobody, I don't think anybody wants to be full and then have a threesome. Well, it's not going to happen that night. I was just, this is when the inception would happen. I see. And and it shouldn't happen because game night is like more people i think it needs to be more of an intimate setting right so it's weird to have just oh what if you have you should get a date and be like let's do a double date game night and then they come over

and you're like i'm sorry my date bails let's's cook this brisket. Yeah, and let's have thick mashed potatoes. And I made gravy. Stop with the enormous dinner. I think I'm just hungry is all. And I think it needs to be, like you said, a stew, something in a crock pot. Potatoes all crotchy for everyone. Who wants some wet beef Wellington? It needs to be a wet meat.

Otherwise, how can he start thinking about boning two girls a beef stew and a beet pot pie just it needs to be so dark borderline black and ale pie really uh but yeah i think we're both on the same page it needs to be a little drunky needs to be a little tipsy you need to start a joke about it you need to be a goof to a real deal yeah you joke about it unless you go and do it extra extra say the news you know that part it's getting hot in here you know what that song's about no is it it's like when it's really hot he wants a girl to take her clothes off that's how he goes so take off all your clothes and i think it's actually working because the temperature is hot because the girl if you remember the refrain it goes i am getting so hot i want to take my clothes off so that means she's getting naked for him oh whoa yeah so like the whole song which i don't

even know what i thought it was about before this right it's actually about getting a girl to take her clothes off clearly a metaphor for having sex. For someplace being warm and then wanting to be nude. To nude somebody of themselves, to nude them of their clothing. And then he says, there's a Jake and Amir where I pants you and you go, you've nuded me. You've nuded me.

It was, I know which one it is. It was the Amanda Bynes one. You say all fairres and shove and floor and you push you you pants me and shove me to the floor i said you've neutered me and then you said i just got an email back from baylor damon that means she's with matt damon oh that was the origin of the Matt Damon. Wow. Our videos were good, man. Man, we were on top of the world. I know. We're doing different shit now. It's fine. We're busy in a

different way. I think it's nice to... All good things must come to an end. You have to evolve comedically, professionally. What did we do, Blumenfeld? I mean, we have this podcast. We hopefully have a TV show soon. What the fuck did we do, man? We had it all. I know soon we do man we had it all i know and i think we we gave it all and i think it's all right that it ended after eight years if anything we lasted a little bit too long i'm gonna go back no no i think that's a desperate

weak attempt to crawl crystals or a time machine or something i think oh you want to go back in time yeah you don't want to start making videos now. No way. I ran out of ideas in 2011. Didn't you hear the shoving floor line? That wasn't inspired. All right. There we go.

There we have it. That's our advice. It's our time. Thank you for writing in. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, everything, Facebook thumbnail submissions,

every time we post our podcast to Facebook, we use an original artwork made by our talented fans. Everything goes to If I Were You Show at gmail.com. The opening theme song, once again, was from Gugu in South Africa. This closing one is by Lil Dirty Boy and Young Drucifer. So that's, at the very least, they're creative-sounding names. Lil Dirty Boy and Young Drucifer? Yeah, Young Drucifer. So that's, at the very least, they're creative sounding names. Little Dirty Boy and Young Drucifer? Yeah, Young Drucifer.

That's fucking dope. Yeah, so enjoy that. Once again, more podcasts every day at headgum.com, including ours and all of our friends and family. Check those out if you still have more commutes to fill up your week. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Goodbye. Pull up to the club like Skrrt Matt Damon never gets sauce on his fuckin' shirt That's for sure, you heard the word Matt Damon's so fuckin' absurd Matt Damon be the illest, but for fuck you, less you feel this Hit the streets with dust, I guarantee you'll see some real shit Pull up to the club like Skrrt No sauce on his shirt Oh, goddamn No real shit. Who look to the club like, Skrrt! No sauce on his shirt.

Oh, god damn. Matt Damon. You alright, man? No. Oh, shit. Oh, Matt. Matt Damon. Matt. Yeah.

Matt. Matt. Yeah, Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Oh. Damon rubbing up on your woman's chest. Falling at her ass.

Damon oil is the best. Damon liquor. Crack the clip. Damon rubbing up on your woman's chest, balling at her ravenous nest. Damon oil is the best. Damon liquor, crack the clip. Man, that's so much regret. He thinks he tastes so blessed. That was a HeadGum Podcast.