Segments - 177: Cocaine (Live From Toronto!)

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss drugs, fantasies, and the perfect man -- live from Just For Laughs comedy fest in Toronto! This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, MeUndies, and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Because I got a really big team. And they need some really big rings. They need some really nice things. Come on, come on, come on. Let's do this. Better be coming with hot strings. Who's the best? Toda.

Toda. Wow. Toronto. Not bad. You have a sign that says, Greenlight Jake's mom. I feel like I should have a problem with that, but you're so goddamn handsome.

You thought of it? You can fuck my mom, too. Anything's an improvement on my father. He is a potato man. He's a knapsack human. He's a Sour Patch Kid. That's what my dad is. He's a Garbage Pail Kid.

Yeah. He's a Pringle. That's enough. You're talking about my father. He is not. And his dick is a cheese doodle. That is fair, because that's true. Toronto, how's it going?

Alright. Very exciting. This is our first podcast in Canada. Ever. What the fuck? We went to Montreal. Shh. They don't know that. You're pandering. This is our second podcast in Canada ever

It's still worthy of an applause Was anybody at the Montreal show? You were there? Leave, we're gonna do the exact same thing What'd you say? You came to Austin and Montreal and Toronto? You like Jake more than I do. Well, you hate me.

Yeah. Holy shit. Were you just coincidentally in all three of those areas at the same time? Don't flatter yourself, Blumenthal. Was it a coincidence or were you following me around? I don't know. Do you really think I should greenlight Jake's mom or is that just a joke? Who came here from for

tonight from far far away did aside from this girl from austin apparently did anybody travel you raising your hand in the cool ass baseball shirt where'd you come from boss uh i believe you he said three hours away so confidently yeah what motor transportation we're not talking about time. We're talking about distance traveled. Dumbass. Everything's quantifiable. I also gave her three hours away. Los Angeles.

Sorry. Jeez, he paid money to see you. Right. No, that's true. I apologize. But what's three hours away? Oh, shit. Jamaica, man. Yeah, man.

That's a smoking hat. I was... Yeah, I know. I wasn't racist. I was just heading towards there. So I... You stopped yourself. I took one step and turned around.

Did anybody else come from far away? Four hours. Well, this isn't an auction. Five, four hours, five, five. Who came five hours away? Six, six hours away. Sold to the person who came from six hours away. What's four hours away?

Ottawa. Ottawa. Good man. Huge Senators fan myself. Guys, no. Stop. I don't know about you guys, but I hate the Senators. And I love the Blue Jays.

Yeah. I love the Blue Jays. Yeah! Favorite Blue Jay of all time. I love them all. Name one, baby. Favorite Blue Jay, here we go. Drake. Who? I'll just name famous Canadians.

Guys, we're from America. We don't give a shit about hockey. I don't care about the senators. I barely even know the senators. I don't even know American senators, and I live there. So who here has never heard our podcast before? Never heard of it.

Oh, some people. Some people haven't heard it, but are still excited enough to applaud. Very small subsection. Who dragged you here, people that clapped? Significant others. You don't know our podcast, and you're sitting in the goddamn front row?

You don't? Who doesn't? She tricked you. What did she, like, dangle a carrot in front of you until you're in your seat? What? Fair, fair, fair, fair So should we get, I don't know, do you want to get started? Yeah This is basically, what we do is an advice podcast It's called If I Were You

And it's actually the only advice podcast On the whole internet hosted by me and Jake We get real emails from real people Who are in difficult places in their lives In sticky situations really And they're seeking our guidance for whatever reason So we do our best to answer those questions on the show Sometimes it's me and Jake lives and sticky situations really and they're seeking our guidance for whatever reason so we do our best to answer those questions on the show sometimes it's me and jake naked alone afraid in

the comfort of our own public library we're terrified nude in public but it is comfortable yes it is a public library. It is a public library. The terrifying comfort of our public library where we're illegally nude. We're getting escorted by a librarian-ness. And sometimes it's in front of 400 of our favorite Canadian friends.

Woo! So these are real emails from real people. I'm going to give them a fake name to preserve their anonymity. I just need a fake... I heard... I heard... Wow. Quiet!

This girl is losing her fucking mind. I heard a Crandis. Crandis, you followed me. If you saw Crandis in Austin, you saw Crandis in Montreal. Crandis does not leave our side. Let's give it up for Crandis. This one comes from Crandis. Crandis writes, I just got back to my place in NYC after an unsuccessful bar crawl night out with some

quote unquote friends. I took a cab ride back home. When I saw a strip club, I told the cabbie to stop. I walked back to the club, took some money out of the ATM, and went in. Because I was drunk and horny, I agreed to go with the first girl I saw. Next thing I know, I handed the bouncer my credit card and ID, and I am groping, grinding, and doing coke

with two blonde Russians. So far, what's the problem? Nice, dude. Yeah. coke with two blonde Russians. So far, what's the problem? Nice, dude. Yeah. He was killed later that night. Um, oh. How do you write the email?

Just joking, alright. The bouncer, who was very nice, came back and said my card wasn't going through, so I pretended to call the credit card company and whatever, but instead slipped away, got a lap dance, and left ASAP. This was my first time ever experimenting with any

sort of drug. I had never done weed. I only have drunken. As I'm writing this, I am still coked up. Now drinking makes sense. And feeling energized and anxious. I have no idea

what to do or how to feel. I hope my credit card really didn't work or else that will be an awkward convo with my mom and dad since they are cosigners. Love, Crandis.

I still, I genuinely don't know what the problem is. It sounds like... He doesn't know how to feel. How do I feel now? The cocaine's doing that for you. You don't have to figure out that's what drugs are. The drugs make you feel, what did he say,

jacked up and anxious? He's scared. Well, coke doesn't make you feel scared, but sure. It is funny to ask, how do I feel? Like he can control it. But he's never done drugs. He had never done weed. And he went straight to cocaine.

Zero to 100. You really understand lots of podcast references. So, what should he do and how should he feel? Odds are he's still coked up. It really sounds like he got away with murder.

Like, he described the bouncer as friendly. Yeah. Which is, you know, no. If you gave the bouncer your credit card, that's always a bad decision. You think the bouncer bought the fake conversation he had with the credit card company? Yeah, because I feel like that happens to the bouncer all the time. So you think he's actually calling the credit card company. Yeah, because I feel like that happens to the bouncer all the time. You think he's actually calling the credit card company? The bouncer's back there trying to run a card for

$300. A credit card company is going to be like, no, we want to talk to the guy who whatever. Then, I mean, this is like a fucking great scheme. This dude just went in and got free cocaine and lap dances.

I really don't understand the problem. Is this happening at strip clubs? You go into a back room and they give you drugs? Yeah. I mean, this exact same thing happened to me except the reverse. I paid $300 and I didn't get the cocaine.

So when you say the exact same thing, you mean the opposite? So when you say the exact same thing, you mean the opposite of this thing. Yeah, sorry. The exact same thing happened to me. It's not the exact opposite, though. It's a mirror image. The exact opposite is like visiting your grandmother.

Yeah, of course. And doing cocaine off her ass. Grandfather swiping the card. Between her butt cheeks. I'm sorry, everybody. Just think about your grandparents fucking for two seconds, though. I know.

They had to have. Someone wooed like they liked it. Yeah. That is your grandfather. Yeah. He dug that shit for a minute. Hashtag Greenlight Jake's mom. On the other side of the greenlightjakesmomsmom

Yeah, greenlightmydaughter The deafening silence is a standing omen Have you ever done cocaine? I resent the accusation I'd like to know if you've ever done cocaine I'd like to see how honest you are in front of these folks No, it scares me to snort, smoke, and to a lesser extent, drink. I am fearful of things.

I'm down to take a pill because I can convince my brain for just a split second that it's acid. That it's medicine? Yeah. A vitamin pill. And then later I feel a little different. But I don't think I will ever straight up... Even if it was a placebo, even if it was flour, which God willing one day it will be, whole wheat flour,

I would never... To the face. It feels like it would burn my eyes. Yeah. And this is why I shouldn't do drugs. This is you talking to a drug dealer I'm just worried that it'll burn my eyes My sinus is, anyway My sinai, I do tend to have narrow passage

Are you a doctor? He's checking you for a wire We helped this guy as much as we can Let's give it up for Crandis yet again. Alright, we need a lady's name. Drizzy. Drizzy. Drizzy.

Someone also said Amir. That's not a girl's name, bro. Come at me unless you weigh more than 145. Then odds are I can't take you. Actually, even if you are kind of skinny, I'm feeling weak tonight. Jesus. I had some poutine earlier, and it's not sitting right with me.

You did have diarrhea backstage. What did he say? I don't know. Okay. Hmm? Huh? Oh, Jacqueline. Oh, the people are just still yelling names? I don't know. Okay. Oh, Jacqueline. Oh, the people are just still yelling names? Jacqueline, yeah, I like Jacqueline, sure.

This story, we still said Drizzy. It still happened. We had a moment. He loves it. Get out of here dude Dude get out Oh he's got a huge hashtag Greenlight Jake's mom guy Of course he loves it

I'd love to introduce you to my mother That guy's actually pretty buff I know That's what I'm saying I wish I had his sperm in me Alright That's what I'm saying. I wish I had his sperm in me. All right. We were recording, right? That's not entirely what I meant,

but I'm not going to back away from it now. You guys misunderstood. Jake wants that guy to fuck him. All right. wants that guy to fuck him. Alright. This one really paints a story, so if you want, you can close your eyes and follow us on this magical journey that Jacqueline

weaves. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half. However, the first six months, after the first six months, I ended up transferring to the University of Oklahoma, and he to USC. Since then, we have treasured our breaks as times that we could hang out. I know you've both expressed a strong revulsion to the idea of long-distance relationships, but I feel, given the circumstances, you may reconsider. He is a genius, and I am not exaggerating. For example, he is comfortably majoring in business,

pre-med, and pre-law. He's also adept in music, art, and athletics. He does charity work. He greatly satiates my needs in bed. And most significantly, he started his own company right after he turned 18. His company is so successful that he's doing pre-med and pre-law

just because he has nothing better to do with his life and needs to keep busy so he won't be bored. In essence, I have met the most amazing person in the world. It's you. It is above average, my friend. Thus, we arrive at the many problems that have emerged this summer.

Apparently, he applied to transfer to Harvard and got in, but didn't bother to tell me until we first met up this summer. At first, it was really great news, but then he explained to transfer to Harvard and got in, but didn't bother to tell me until we first met up this summer. At first, it was really great news, but then he explained to me that he was not 100% sure he wanted to move. To help him decide, he is taking an intersession course at Harvard over the summer, which pisses me off. Our breaks are the only time we get to see each other, and during my spring break, he went to Jordan with a medical team and helped refugees of Syria. Syria, Afghanistan, and ISIS. I got mad at the time, so he promised me to take me to as many concerts as I'd like during summer break. Last year, he also promised that we would go to an anime expo this summer.

This resulted in a massive confrontation that ended with me storming off the night before his flight. Am I the bad guy here? On one hand, he broke a promise, but on the other, he broke it for what he believes is an important reason. Also, a few weeks ago, I called him for the first time since our fight, and he said that he felt bad for letting me down. So he bought me a plane ticket, and we got to hang out for a week and a half.

I would have stayed for longer, but I needed to come home for a six-week internship. The night before I left, we had a discussion about our relationship, and I mostly complained about how I thought he didn't take us seriously enough and he didn't really want to be there. He kept reassuring me that he really did care, but he kept explaining that his actions say otherwise. With this in mind, we finally got to the point where he said, if you don't believe in my commitment, I can get you a ring. It doesn't have to be right now, but you should think about it. What would you do if you were me? I want to be a specialized

doctor, but the main thing holding me back is my fear of stacking up too much student debt. The financial security of bearing him is a really nice thought, and it would make me feel more comfortable investing in such an expensive education to be with him he's also the greatest guy I've

ever met and outside of the problems of doing long-distance we have a ton of chemistry would you be willing to have a long-distance relationship for a few years for someone this special thanks love Jacqueline I'm glad no one's chanting with you But Jacqueline if you are listening at home They're chanting this girl sucks I mean this guy should break up with you What a rollercoaster she took us on She's dating the most amazing man in the world

He's adept He's adept at music, art, and athletics She's describing a high school student From the 1930s Some sort of like crazy decathlon guy He wears like a unitard And has a mustache He's a boxer from the 20s

And he also knows brain surgery. Yeah. The weird thing is that she said things that he believes are important, and one of those is helping refugees from ISIS. Yeah. From Syria and Afghanistan and also ISIS.

That's sort of belittling something that's actually important. Did you also notice, I would have stayed for longer, but I had an internship. Oh! So you have an internship. So the street does go both ways. So you're too busy for him, but he's not allowed to be busy for you, even though he's saving people who were victims of a genocide.

And I love the idea of the romantic notion of proposing at the end of a fight to quiet somebody who's sort of proposing at the end of a fight to quiet somebody who's sort of upset at you. How did he do it? They're gonna get, like, why'd you guys get married? Because he didn't take me to an anime convention. He saved people in Jordan and satiated me by promising

me that I'd go to any concert I wanted. I called his bluff and chose one in Australia, but he was busy saving people in... I guess ISIS is a country now. Guess they won because he wasn't there. What is the question? What would you do if you were her?

I feel like I would feel bad. Yeah, wait, what is she asking? She said, should I not marry the most amazing guy I've ever met and get the financial stability because what? Because he's too busy? Because he's too busy saving the world? Like, does Lois Lane not want to be with Superman? Yeah, because he's too busy.

You're always flying somewhere. Yeah. What about me? Yeah, like this other too busy. You're always flying somewhere. Yeah. What about me? Yeah, like this other guy, Charles, he plays video games and he's just around most of the time. So that's nice for me. What you like about him

is what's causing him to be so far away from you. You can't take the good and not expect the bad. That's beautiful. Actually. Would you... Would you sing that?

I don't know. I mean, I'm not very... Yeah. I just want to hear if... You can take the good, not expect the bad. Never mind. Never mind. Never mind.

You can't take the good. Not expect the bad. You can't have my mom. Not expect my dad. It's cool that we said the same thing, but it makes no sense. No. You can't have my mom expect my dad. It's like we mispronounced except. You can't have my mom expect my dad.

You should expect my dad to come in here and talk to you about greenlight have my mom. Expect my dad. You should expect my dad to come in here and talk to you about greenlighting my mom. Another funny part of this question is when she says, I know you've both expressed a strong revulsion to the idea of long-distance relationship, but I feel like given the circumstances you may reconsider, then describes a perfect relationship that was ruined by the fact that they were long-distance.

If anything... If anything, it only strengthens my affirmation to know, to believe, to have in my heart that long-distance relationships truly are difficult. Yeah, they're doomed from the start. Unless they have an end point, where I don't know if these people do. Is anyone in here currently in a long distance relationship?

Yeah. Is your other half here? No, of course not. Single. You're single? I know. Because we're fucking tonight. Two backwards hat dudes Two Jake and Amir shirts I love it

Bros we gotta chill after this We're all in our 20s You're almost 33 Enough dude We're all 24 tonight am I right This is really fucked up actually 33. Enough, dude. We're all 24 tonight. Am I right? This is really fucked up, actually. You're dating a 16 year old.

Chill. Jesus. God, don't support that joke. So here's basically the advice. What you like about this person is what's causing you so much heartache. I feel like you either suck it up

and don't force them to do stuff for you. For example, marry you. That's a big one, I would say. I mean, she shouldn't even consider the proposal. It was born out of an argument. It's a pity proposal. And then when it happens, she's like, I'll think about it.

What a mean... If someone wears you down to the point Fine I'll marry you Give me a couple days Fuck you I help war victims Ever heard of ISIS Jesus Christ Jesus Christ

If you can be with this guy Take him Because he sounds great But you can't ever be mad at him I think he's earned that right He took her to every concert Do you realize how much that would cost? But not the anime convention

I have to draw the line somewhere. And it's in between Iraq and Afghanistan. Can we talk about it? She's talking to him. He's like sewing up a war vet from Syria. So basically, enjoy him while you can. I'm sorry that it's long distance.

However, listen, babe, if you really think he's amazing, have at it. But don't be mad at him ever have at it don't be mad at it would you say have at it don't be mad at it it took your mom nine months to glad at it let's move on oh Here's a shorter question. Let's say Sarah writes it. Is it bad to think about my ex-girlfriend

while I masturbate? Getting a couple answers from the audience leaning towards the no. I would tend to agree. Do girls do the same thing? Wait, girls masturbate hot wait you would say you do masturbate thinking about your ex-girlfriends uh almost exclusively yeah really yeah why you've already done it it's like me dreaming about bowling i can fly.

It's an interesting thought you bring up, but it's easier to tap into something, to like a movie you've already seen. So your fantasy is sleeping with someone you broke up with because you didn't want to sleep with them anymore. It's weird how the mind works. But I miss everybody I used to fuck. And I miss everybody I haven't fucked yet. I can have both.

Or not have both, but think about both. And fantasize about them. In a pie chart of your fantasy, how many times is it someone that you've seen, been with before? And how many is it just a girl that you've made up? It's never a girl I made up. Of course. Do you have a girl in your mind that like doesn't exist? I have a scarecrow back there.

Her face is made out of ones and zeros. Her mouth is a can of beans. You have a mannequin with a fleshlight duct taped to her crotch. Scotch taped. It doesn't have to be secure. You're insecure. Don't know what for. This we're making up on the spot, I swear to God.

One Direction doesn't exist up here, does it? Anyway. You do you masturbate thinking about ex-girlfriends a lot am i in a safe place yeah well no wait i don't oh geez what i'm gonna say is so fucked up i masturbate to porn and then uh during actual sex I think about ex-girlfriends. But look, none of my girlfriends should be offended because one day they'll be my ex. And I'll think about them. And I'll fantasize about them.

Yeah. Baby, I'm always two steps ahead. You knew I was a chess player in Afghanistan when you hooked up with me. I played a guy in ISIS. I beat him. He didn't get the rules, is why. So, I would say

it is unhealthy. It's bad to think about ex-lovers. Wow, lecture much. Sorry, why don't you stand on your stool? My soapbox. This masturbating is time where you can think about anything. You shouldn't. You shouldn't

you shouldn't confine yourselves to the realms of reality. Which is why you're often thinking about social quagmires as you come. Yeah. I'm thinking about ways to solve an energy crisis. Yeah. Global warming. Oh!

I think I have it. We can plug up the holes in the ozone layer with It's just sticky enough to work Put me in a goddamn rocket The bench How do you jerk off with these? You snip your cock Put me in a goddamn rocket. The bench. How do you jerk off with these? You snip your cock.

That's a good question. When you watch porn, are you just imagining you're fucking the girl in the porn? Or does that just get you to a place where you close your eyes and think of somebody else? I don't think I've ever closed my eyes when I was having an orgasm. That's awesome. They are open to the daytime sun. I don't even blink. Even closed my eyes when having an orgasm. That's awesome. They are open to the daytime sun.

I don't even blink, even when I'm with a girl. It's fucking clockwork orange. I don't want to miss a thing. I love that. That song's about not blinking. Oh my God, I just got it. During Armageddon, though. Yes.

That's such a fucking dope movie. You ever come thinking about Ben Affleck fucking Bruce Willis? Why? From the front? That's the only way they would fuck. How did we get here, Toronto? The girl who's never seen our podcast before is like, no, I get it.

It's Armageddon fanfic. I'm on board. We're about at our halfway point, so let's take a break. She's Louise. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning

customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but

ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results.

It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Hey, let's give it up for that story. And now we do a live MeUndies reading. Guys, we have some more time. Do you want to see some more questions, perhaps?

I like this one. I like this one. You like, alright. I like them both. Sure. Why don't you read them? Yeah. Okay. Why don't you read them, asshole? I'm a little tipsy, but I could probably do it. You should drop my phone. Oh, you want me to shake it? Right into the whiskey? All right.

Here we go. Is it this one right here on the top? Yeah, we need a lady name. Hey, everybody. Here's the bell. Here's the bell. Mind if I make an... Oh, wait, no, all right, all right. We're gonna do both.

Yeah, yeah, we got it, we got it. Jisabelle. Jisabelle? God, that is the highlight of your life. This comes from Jisabelle. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and are quite sexually active. Nice. That's the question.

It's a statement. Dope! Last Saturday, we both got shit-faced drunk at a party to the point where we found ourselves so horny that we left early to seek the privacy of his bed. We had anal sex for the first time, which was incredibly exciting as we had never been very verbal about wanting to try it, but we both secretly did. It was amazing.

And of course the alcohol helped. Get liquored up, baby. Because this is us later we've never said it we've just both secretly wanted it fair enough about 20 minutes in he is on top of me and suddenly asks me to stick a finger up his glory hole

oh he had never requested anything like that and we had never discussed it before but I was not turned off by the idea and did as he told me I spent a while back there playing around until he came and we had never discussed it before, but I was not turned off by the idea and did as he told me. I spent a while back there playing around until he came. He seemed to enjoy it all very much

and even told me how good it felt. Fast forward... That's when you're done. You're slut-shaming the guy. I'm mansplaining and slut-shaming. At the same damn time fast forward to the next morning where we both were hungover

and slightly embarrassed by the last night's happenings and didn't discuss it much only that we both wanted to try it again don't yell at somebody for cough a few days later we have sex again and since that fateful night had been on my mind ever since, I decide to be adventurous and inch my finger toward his man cave during missionary.

I am barely touching his hole when he stops me mid-thrust and stares at me bewildered and asks what I think I'm doing. I ask him if I'm allowed to do that, and he replies that he doesn't know. Let me consult somebody. And he continues with the sex. We never talked about it again, and he has been more than awkward between us ever since. What should I do?

By now, the idea of fingering his asshole turns me on more than anything else. And I'm afraid it will never come up again. After a year of the same dick, it was something new and exciting, and I want to try it again. I didn't mean to scare him away. I thought it was what he wanted.

Was it just a drunk desire, or is he embarrassed? What's going on in his head? He's very secure about his sexuality, so I doubt he has a gay anxiety. Do you have any experience in this field? Please help. I am desperate. Love, Gisabelle. It is a gay anxiety.

It's a gangxiety is what I call it. God damn you, dude. What fingering a butt turns her on more than anything else? I get that. Not getting your butt fingered, but just fingering a butt? I like it. I like to do it. I don't understand why you fingering a butt.

Me personally? Because I know what the fuck I'm doing do it. I don't understand why you fingering a butt. Me personally? Because I know what the fuck I'm doing, boss. Oh. Actually, rectal examination. But how does that feel good for her finger? What does that do for her finger? Why is that a good thing for her? I don't necessarily know, but if it feels good for her, why is that a good thing for her i don't necessarily know but if it feels good

for her she likes it it feels good i mean who here has fingered a butt before it's what it's mental it's what oh it's like psychological not mental like she's crazy no it's mental like it's like psychological, not mental like she's crazy. No, it's mental like it's dope, man. So she's... Just like by making him cum by doing that, it's like a Pavlovian response. She stuck her finger in his butthole. He exploded out of his pee-pee. Thus, the butthole made pee-pee. The, the butthole made pee-pee.

The butthole didn't make pee-pee. It made cum-cum. So the butthole made cum-cum. The girl said butthole good. And now he's saying butthole no. I don't know. What do you think? Person who's never seen our podcast before?

I don't. I shouldn't. It's just that I haven't, and I'm with my aunt, and... So, okay, let's say this guy's been eating vegetables his whole life, and his parents give him cotton candy one night, and then they take that away from him. And he's like, whoa, what happened

to the colorful sweet stuff? And they're like, no, no, no, celery from now on. And then she's like, wait, but I wanted it. I wanted the colorful sweet stuff. It's the first time ever. Can I have it? And he's like, I don't know. I think that's the interesting thing, right?

If we're like Sherlock Holmes, that's the clue. Yeah. That like it happened. He was like, what are you doing? And then she's like, can I do that? And he said, you didn't say no. Well, you can't say no. You can't say no.

He's like wondering in his head, like, did I, when I was drunk, tell her my fantasy? And now it's happening? Yeah, when you're drunk, truth comes out, not made up stuff you don't want. Sometimes I lie when I'm, well, I lie all the time, but sometimes I lie when I'm drunk too. But it's not like, I feel like alcohol removes the pretense and then the truth shines through. This is like a really bad parent explaining. It's an awful PSA for alcohol.

If you're 18, just know that alcohol makes the truth shine. It's truth elixir. That's why they call it moonshine. Oh, that's nice. Because moon is your soul. Of course. And it shines You guys saw the super moon

That wasn't just an American thing Do you think he really wants it? Do you think it's worth a conversation? I think it doesn't matter If she wants it Oh that's a good call Get him drunk again Take advantage of your boyfriend

Liquor him up and slide it in You like this motherfucker? get him drunk again. Take advantage of your boyfriend. Liquor him up and slide it in. You like this, motherfucker? And then pull him towards you. You guys ever play Mortal Kombat? Come here! Get over here! He's the Harlem Globetrotter.

Ha ha! Oh! Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly lollipop. I can't do it. Was it just drunk desire or is he embarrassed or what's going on in his head? You think it's a drunk desire? He wants it fucking love that maybe he does want it he asked for it it happened and he liked it i know you want it all right well that's a little rapey actually it's a blurred line is all i'm saying i I guess it's good that it's happening with a boyfriend. It's something that you keep on exploring.

Get drunk again. I really like that answer, actually. Get drunk again. That's the answer to all of our questions. So, so far on the podcast, we've advised people to do cocaine and get drunk and figure each other's assholes. I love you, Mom.

I hate you, Dad. We have time for one last question. One last question, one last name. But first, Toronto, have you guys had fun? Thank God. Because otherwise the flight wouldn't have been worth it. Except to see Terminator Geninator Genesis twice in a row. You were jerking off the entire time.

Yeah. You guys got to get these fake arms that they give you for flights so that you can crank it while it's seemingly like they're on your lap. I can only afford the Asian ones, so it was confusing to most. To all, specifically. Oh, wow. Another girl's name.

This has been sort of a ladies' night episode. What? Trump Tower? Trump Tower? Trump Tower? So that's what you're adamant about? That's your cause? This guy's fucking sewing up people in Afghanistan

and your shit is yelling Trump Tower? I respect that. To be fair, you caused him to be here instead of in Afghanistan helping people. Trump Tower riots. You shouldn't have had a show. I'm 21 years old and I'm from Hawaii, so I've been with my BF for four years. He's perfect, sex is amazing.

Here's the issue. He's quite older than me. Even older than Amir. Imagine that. Is anybody here older than me? Anybody here older than 32? Shit. What the fuck am I doing?

Did I say I was 32? I'm 19. At 32, people get shit done. You can be a doctor at my age. But you're not. Yeah, many, many Super Bowls. Sure. French Open Championship. I'm sure Joe Wilfried Tsonga has achieved more in his life than I ever will.

Because he's never won a championship? Whatever. Here's the issue. One Joe Wilfried Tsonga thing. Why are you picking on Tsonga? Dude's a fucking pimp. You know it. It's a joke, man.

He's quite older than me. Even older than Amir. Whatever that means. I'm sure that he was born before 1982. Whatever that means. 83, bro. And, sorry. All right.

And we're out of time. Thank you guys so much. Here's the issue. He's quite older than me, and that along with him being cheated on in every relationship, he's really paranoid, which I try to keep in mind.

A few months ago, my boyfriend saw dirt in the bathtub and thought it was cum. But the day he saw it, we didn't have sex. He still brings it up to me today, and we almost broke up because he said he couldn't trust me.

What should I do? He said it's impossible to trust me and that I'm getting really sick of his paranoid bullshit, but I don't want to be the one to break up with him. Help, love. I guess Trump Tower. So, she should break

up with him, right? I don't know why she blames the age thing. If anything, you get less jealous with age. Jealousy seems to be a young man's thing. But also, it sort of feels like this old school, archaic thing. One woman for every one man.

That shouldn't be necessarily how we do it. You're just talking about monogamy in general. I'm talking about polyamory in general. That aside, why did he see dirt and think it was cum? I think she's dating an idiot. He's old but not smart.

What is this brown film? And why is it in the tub? You're jizzing someone off. I know it. How can I try? There's jizz on your shoe. I was on a hike earlier. On Jizz Mountain?

With all the brown powder jizz? Sorry, baby, there's, um... There's all these dishes in the sink, and they're covered in jizz. Who are you fucking in our kitchen? Why does your boyfriend cum mud? It doesn't add up. He's jizzing chocolate milk.

I don't know what he's thinking. He doesn't trust you. Which means his cum's more tastier than mine, so I'm very jealous. There's, I mean, if somebody's like, it's impossible for me to trust you. I feel like the coolest thing you could say is like, shit, I don't want to be in a relationship without trust.

See you later. And he's like, wait, I think't want to be in a relationship without trust. See you later. And he's like, wait, I think I can do it if you convince me it wasn't cum. What color is cum? Just blind guy holding a dog. He sniffed it. Didn't you, boy? It's actually a radish.

He's holding a radish. What a mean prank to play on a blind man. I was just licking the bottom of her shower yeah oh yeah that's semen that is absolutely semen I have synesthesia so I can taste color and this one is definitely brown oh I'm jizzing again out of my ass this guy's dumb this guy is silly this guy is stupid he doesn't trust you why would you want to be with someone that doesn't trust you if someone doesn't trust you

he doesn't get to break up with you you break up with him you say okay fine like she doesn't want to be the first person that breaks up with him why she doesn't want to be the bad person so what she's just gonna stay in this that's what i don't like you can't up with a bad person. The bad guy isn't the one that breaks up. The bad guy is the one that does the bad thing that results in the breakup. Yeah, and then when he gets dumped, he's like, what did I do wrong? Hopefully, and then he changes his action going forward. Yeah, in the exit interview, what did I do wrong? Oh, you thought dirt was jizz and you got mad at me.

People go in the shower because they have dirt on them generally. It doesn't necessarily have to be cum. Sometimes it is, but this time it wasn't. And you saw residue on the shower. You have dirt on them generally. It doesn't necessarily have to be cum. Sometimes it is, but this time it wasn't, and you saw residue on the shower. You thought it was semen, so adieu. Namaste to you and yours. Could you see cum if it were cum?

Could I see cum? Could I see cum? Could I be cum? Whoa. Could you be cum? Could you see cum? Could I be cum? Whoa. Could you be cum? Could you see cum? Could we three cum? I don't know if I... I don't...

Hey. Come on, I don't... You guys, it's flattering, but I... I jizz all day, every day, every night. You and me jizz, that's me, that's right. Let's jizz together. I almost tripped on the mic, but I did not cop myself. I'll catch a cum in my mouth.

Yo, you my dude, let's go south. You go down on me, I'll go down on... Wow, you shouldn't have dropped out. 46! Six, Scott! I am a six, Scott. Toronto, did you have fun tonight? Then that's all that matters.

For more of our podcasts, please check out at fiveryshow.com or, you know, we're actually performing. Not necessarily doing a podcast, we're doing more performances at Just for Laughs. Let's give it up for the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. We'll be doing shows on Friday and Saturday. Is that correct? Awesome.

Hopefully we'll see you there. If not, I hope you enjoyed your time tonight. Good night, everybody. All right, now it's Squarespace, Zad. You guys. No, no, no, we don't have time for that. Let's play the music. Good night.

Thank you guys so much. Jump in, jump in, jump in. Them boys are the something. They just spent like two or three weeks out of the country. That was a HitGum Podcast.