Segments - 18: 100 Like Tweet

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

In this episode Jake fires off another Tweet, while we play Verdle and another rendition of Poetry or No-etry.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second, another podcast. Second, each app different from the last. Second, it's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show.

Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Emphatic hopes To set it right Yeah! That's becoming its own subculture of the podcast Is what we do during the theme song Oh really? Yeah I didn't know that Well it hasn't yet

But I'm starting to I want to put that in the ether You want more people on the YouTube Watching the dancing or the scowling I was curious what sort of bit they would do during the theme And that sort of incentivizes the YouTube, watching the dancing or the scowling. Yeah, being like, oh, I was curious what sort of bit they would do during the theme. And that sort of incentivizes the YouTube of it all because you're going to want to watch this episode. Again, we're in the same studio. So that's, you know, this is the most exciting version of the video.

Yeah. None of that Zoom bullshit. Honestly, I have Zoom fatigue. I have Zoom fatigue as well. And I have regular seeing you fatigue too. I think I just have fatigue. I have long COVID and Zoom fatigue. And short COVID.

Yeah, I have really short, which is current COVID. And then long COVID, which is COVID from the last COVID. It's been around a while. I also have medium COVID. Yeah. Right. And SARS. I have long bird flu and short SARS.

And a swine. Jacket. Boom. Ba-doom-ba-doom. Nice. Da-da-da-da-doom. Thank you. This is Segments, our new podcast with Jake and Amir.

Did you not know how to read my name? It, like, breaks on the end and it threw me for how to pronounce your name. It's true. I'm saying it right, Jake. Good art. Got some new and some old segments today. That's right. Some classics and some freshies.

Yeah. First being 50 like tweet. So let's get that thing up on the board because we are going to want max time for this viral tweet. Can I ask you, we're recording it on Valentine's Day. Is this a Valentine's themed tweet? You know, in a way it could be. Interesting. In a way it could be.

Is it about a small penis? Because that is often where your mind goes to, Chugs. It is not about a small penis. It's kind of more about wordplay. I'm embarrassed now because I thought of this, I think I thought of this like last week or two weeks ago and I was like I think I have a viral not a viral I didn't call it viral

folks I didn't call it viral I have a 50 like tweet I've got we were coming up with segments and I was like walking I think I was walking in the dog and I was like oh that's kind of funny yeah I was like alright yeah I can tweet that from Amir's account okay so I'm giving you my phone well now I'm nervous that it's been tweeted before.

Now you're building it up. I know. Okay. I will take Amir's phone. I'm going to attach one of these photos. No, wait. Hidden folder, hidden folder, hidden subfolder. Recently deleted.

Give me your face. All right, I'm in. Wow, it's viral. Okay. I'm trying to figure out the exact right way to display this. Yeah. But I think I've got it. You can punch this up.

Okay. I don't think I'm going to help you lose a bet. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. And what are the stakes for this one? It's usually me Venmoing you $50 or the other way around. Are we sticking with that? Yeah, Venmo. Venmo me cash. For this? $50. How about $1 for every like? That'd be awesome. Okay. I'll do $1 for every like, but $100 is the over under. And if it goes over $100, I'll give you $1 per like. And if it goes under $100, you give me $1 per like. Oh, interesting. And it's by the end of the

episode. By the end of the episode. So it's really a hundred like tweet. It's a hundred like tweet, but if you get close enough, then you're actually owed less than 50 or you owe me less than 50. Oh yeah. So if it's, so if it totally bombs. Yeah. And that's bad. And if it's two likes, you'll give me $98. But the upside is enormous. Like the most I can give you is 100. And if it goes fucking viral, I will owe you tens of thousands of dollars. Yeah, that's kind of cool.

All right, let's do it. Really? I still barely understand. Okay. So 100 is the over under. For any like underneath that, you owe me a dollar. And for every like above that, I'll give you a dollar. Okay.

Now you have to tell me, at the very least, if you've seen this before. Because I'm just not 100% sure. It's ASCII porn. I can see from here. You drew a dick using... I just think it's going to get a lot of engagement. The tweet is... do you like it? it's pretty good

fuck, marry, kill murder, marriage, and sex Casey loves it I love it I think it'll get a lot of people being like fuck, marriage, kill, sex and marry, murder they'll want to play okay I think it'll get a lot of people being like fuck marriage kill sex and marry murders right

like they'll wanna play right they'll play but you're not you don't know if they're gonna like it yeah but playing is honestly

good for engagement and it shows it to more people right okay so I think 100 is a pretty solid line for this really

yeah fuck marry kill murder marriage well tweet it already tweet it already you're delaying delay a game T.O. T it already. Tweet it already. You're delaying. Delay a game! T.O.!

T.O.! Do you want this? Yeah, because fuck, marry, kill is capitalized. Murder is capitalized, but marriage and sex is not. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Don't tweet it yet. Time out. So not delay a game. Fuck, marry, and kill should be capitalized, right? Fuck, marry, kill, yeah.

But then maybe the next three should not. Yeah. Okay. So you have a little bit of a dog in this fight. I mean, this is going on your Twitter. Of course. So. Okay, I'm posting.

Right. So Casey, let's get it on the board. All right. Oh my God. It's viral. It already has five seconds. It has a virus. Yeah, I don't see it going anywhere.

Why don't you just give me $98 now? It's dying on the vine. Actually, my last tweet was pretty viral. It has 245 likes. Really? What was that one? It was a picture of Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn and after they broke up after six years together. This was a

year ago and I retweeted it and I said crazy how she spent six years with this dude and nobody has ever heard of him because he plays for the Broncos. Nice. That's good. So that one did pretty well. Topical. Yeah. Making fun of sort of the Denver Broncos and the fact that I had not heard of this Joe Alwyn

guy. Right. Yeah. Two for the price of one. Fuck, marry, kill has 35 views and no engagement. No engagement. Well, those are obviously bots that are looking at it first and foremost. You are followed by lots of bots. You did buy a lot of your followers.

From Azerbaijan, yeah. Yes. Turkmenistan specifically. So I think as the day goes on, because I mean, what time is it in Australia right now? It's 8 a.m. See? As Australia comes online. As they're waking up in Melbourne.

This is the ideal time to zeet. Yeah. Oh, yes. This is ex-formerly Twitter. Twitter. Yeah. Maybe that's the issue. Is that possible?

Is there a way to add a poll to this? Okay. All right. I actually can't find the tweet. Interesting. I go to your Twitter profile and all of the tweets are like not in sequence. Oh, yeah. That happens on Twitter sometimes.

It's pretty bad. Even on my profile, the tweet is not at the top. No. It has two likes. We're being shadow banned. It has two likes. Even on my profile, the tweet is not at the top. No. It has two likes. We're being shadow banned. It has two likes. Hold on. This is a DQ. This is Dairy Queen right now.

It has four likes. Okay, let's keep it going. This is fine. You really can't find it? Send it. Why don't you send it to Casey? Under your pinned tweet is a tweet from 2020,ust 13th 2020 wow is that one doing well uh oh yeah it's doing really well interesting over 200 000 likes jesus wow which one is that imagine if that happened i'd have to give you a fucking down

payment on a house would you honor the bet i'd have to it was binding I'd have to. It was binding. I'd have to pay you $40,000 a month for half a year. Do you realize how much that would ruin me? It would ruin our friendship. But I would be rich forever. Because the tweet just keeps on getting liked. But I'd have to cap it at the end of the episode. This is bunk. It's more than bunk. I'd have to cap it at the end of the episode. This is bunk. It's more than bunk.

I'd have to sell parts of my body. I'd have to donate a kidney. I'd have to donate spum. Yeah, you would be donating blood and spum. I'd have to donate spum anyway. I might enjoy to do that. Did you get my Slack message of the tweet? Yeah, yeah, pulling it up.

I can't believe I was shadow banned. As always, follow the money, people. There's a reason why Elon and his musketeers are suppressing me. That's good. Elon and his musketeers. That's what I post after any tweet that doesn't do well.

As always, follow the money. Okay. All right. We're waiting to get it on on the big board so we can do this weird reverse telethon where I'm actually hoping to God that the numbers don't go up. Right. It's nice to have like a big thermometer, a big countdown, a big count up in the office. We should have that with how much money we're making as a company. Oh, that's a good idea.

Well, if we ever do – if HeadGum goes public, then we can have the stock ticker right behind us. That's actually not a bad segment. We just watch the stock ticker and we comment on the market. That's cool. CNBC style. Yeah.

Mad money, Jim Cramer meets Cosmo Cramer. Now that we have the TV, we should do like a Jake and Amir watch something. Oh, that's cool, yeah. We watch our videos on our Patreon, but we could watch- Watch it live on the TV, we should do like a Jake and Amir watch something. We watch our videos on our Patreon, but we could watch... Watch it live on the TV. Yeah, we could watch us watching a Jake and Amir on Patreon.

That's kind of cool. For the next one, yeah, we'll do a Jake and Amir watch, Jake and Amir watch, Jake and Amir. For now, we're just watching, I think, Wag the Dog, which we definitely don't have the rights to. Would you say this is Wag the Dog? That's definitely Wag the Dog.

What would you give Wag the Dog out of 100? You know, I've never seen it, but I feel like it's an 82. It's pretty solid, yeah. Oh, we're up. Oh, my God, it has 12 likes. That's not bad. But we're still, at the same time, able to see Wag the Dog. Thank God.

So it's the screen. It's perfect. And then next to it, 12 is really good, by the same time, able to see Wag the dog. Thank God. So it's the screen. It's perfect. And then next to it. 12 is really good, by the way. Is it? Yeah. That's the best you've done, I think. No way.

If we were playing to 50, I would be like, it's not going to do well for me. Oh, interesting. And the fact that no one's engaged with it yet. Yeah. So this thing has legs. How does the bet work again? So it has to break 50.

No, it has to get to 100. So right now, you owe me $88. Oh, I see. 100 minus how many likes. Right. If it was like 112 likes, then I would owe you 12. That's a terrible bet for me. You took advantage of me.

I didn't really understand what I agreed when i led me astray i obviously think we should have done you we should have done 75 of course there was going to be a negotiation there wasn't there wasn't going to be a negotiation it was but you just said fuck it i'll do the hundo because i said the the most i can pay you is a hundred or the most you could pay me is a hundred the most i could pay you is infinite yeah. The most I could pay you is infinite. Yeah. The upside is just... Right. But like obviously... It's high risk. You also just said you were going to cap it at the end of the episode.

So I'm going to delete the tweet. I'm going to delete the tweet. I'll cap you at $12. We're still sitting at $12. We're sitting ugly at $12. And the fact that there's no reply. This is a bunk tweet. Refresh, Casey.

I urge slash beg you. Refresh. Oh my God. It's doing well. It heard you slash beg you. Refresh. Oh, my God. It's doing well. It has a fucking rainbow. Oh, my God. I'm so happy. Holy shit.

I was just. All right. We got to wrap up this episode. Guys, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week. It was just a cool day when I thought of this. You know, it was early February in New York City, stepping off a curb, just walking to work. Slipping.

I think I hit my head. Click on the quote retweet. Who quote retweeted this? Casey. It had to be Casey. Your fucking friends or some shit. We're not logged in. Sorry, dude.

Yeah, you can't watch it. Oh, my God. We're at 18. Can't see it. I wonder if I can retweet this. No, don't retweet. Yeah. I only give you that option if it's not doing well of course you can't retweet i might not be logged into twitter okay thank god uh the um we got two replies okay i actually enjoy this one and the second one is on today's episode of segments so people are sniffing it out they know they know oh god we're at 20 so far wow you're fucked bro i don't have the money on me yet but i can

end up paying you as soon as i log into x you're absolutely done if this gets a thousand likes i'll post a picture of my asshole on maine That's what your quote retweet says that. Oh, man. Password manager? Let's see what that is. We're at 20. We're at 20. It's a solid start.

You can't be mad at that. No, I can't. I can't. And I'm not going to be mad once I log in and give that old RT, that Russian twist. We'll keep this on in the background, but we got to get to another segment. Okay. All right, we're back. Yo.

We're at two reposts. I wonder who the second one was. Jake Hurwitz just king made this tweet. Good God, that's Jake Hurwitz's music. Yes. That'll be a signal boost for sure. For sure, for sure. We usually save that till the third act

well I gotta get to 100 cause you fucked me over you sabotaged me you really cut me you ruined me man I thought of a new segment called Verdle it's verbal wordle so the game is the game of wordle

but I'm just gonna tell you how you do based on your guesses. Okay. This has an 80% chance of working because you'll get confused. You'll ask me to repeat. I'll get concussed. I won't remember what I said and when, but let's see if we can do it. I have a word. Okay.

Now let's hear your first guess. Well, normally in Wordle, my first guess is train or crane. Or frame. Frame's not bad either. But it is you thinking of this. So I'll go ahead and guess plate. I got it in one. Plate.

P-L-A-T-E. Wait, plaid. No, plate. Wait. Great. Great. G-R-E-A-T? No, plate.

P-L-A-T-E. Yeah. Yellow, gray, gray, gray, green. So the P and the E. P, that can go anywhere. And that E, that's right where it is. It's right where it needs to be. Okay.

So let's move that P over one. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh. You idiot. It's not spade because that A is eliminated. This is really hard, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of interesting

because what ends with an e spoke spoke locking it in because um did you repeat any of the letters that were green grayed out remember that plate you said the the p was it was yellow gray gray gray green gray gray gray green yeah yeah so then it's i didn't repeat anything did i i'm asking why is casey giggling at me because we can't remember more than one word uh plate the p is is yellow correct so i'm moving it over one that's fine okay uh l-a-t-e or l-a yeah l-a-t you're not using l-a-t i'm not using that's spoke and yeah the e stayed in the exact same spot okay spoke locking it in yes green yellow green oh my god

gray green so it's S blank O is green and the P was yellow the P yeah the P was yellow

yeah the second letter was yellow. The P? Yeah, the P was yellow. Yeah, the second letter was yellow. The fourth letter was gray. Okay. So we know that the P is before the E. It is S blank O P E. Yes. Scope. Correct.

Yeah. Or should I say green, green, green, green, green. Yeah. Very nice. Have it up here. Do you think that me getting it in three was pretty good? I do. And I honestly think it's pretty good for me too.

Yeah, because you had to. Yeah, the heavy lifting really. Can we get a refresh on the tweet? That's really good. I mean, the line was correct. I'm winning all over the place today. Well, you're down by 65 right now. Yeah, but I feel like at this point with the place today. Well, you're down by 65 right now.

Yeah, but I feel like at this point with the two reposts, two quotes, two bookmarks. Do you see the bookmarks? You really see the bookmark. People want to make this their homepage. They want to make sure that they come back to this later. They love it. This is one of those, it's a farcical, philosophical quandary. It's silly. It's funny.

It's a farce noir, yeah.ary. It's silly. It's funny. You can tell this at a cocktail party. If you want to get kicked out. Anytime your friends are saying, Blaine, fuck, marry, kill, you say, oh, I got one. And I mean... Oh, there's a typo. That's on you.

I gave it to you to prove for you. Okay, why don't you think of a word? I'll try to play it. Okay. Not so easy to think of now. Resisting the urge to make my word train. Hard not to think of train. Okay, let's go. It's been an hour.

I have tiger. Wait, hold on. All right. That's my letters. Tiger. Okay. This is really hard. Yeah.

Um, tiger. Gray, gray, gray, gray, gray. Casey, you fucked me. That's actually helpful. Yeah. I'd be annoyed if there was a yellow in there. Right. Now I just, any word that doesn't have T-I-G-E-R.

Tiger is a fun one to start with. Yeah, it is. No I or E. Oh, there's an i and there's an e sorry there's two e's what the word was logger uh so i'm looking for an o a word of Wow, you can't think of a single word. An O-A word. Pound. Pound.

Pound. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Oh. Gray. Oh. Yellow.

Oh. Gray. So P-O and N are in it, but not in that place. Oh. Gray. So P, O, and N are in it, but not in that place. Correct. P, O, N. Scoop. Scoop. Scoop. Scoop. Scoop. that's right final answer locking in scoop no cuz n

was not it I have to do n P o n is in it yeah spoon correct that's it yes yeah thought I could trick you with a double letter spoon spoon spoon we start spooning alright let's get a refresh

and a reframe 41 number 41 one of my favorite Dave Madison songs probably my favorite come see I swear by now end of segment Number 41, one of my favorite Dave Matthews songs, probably my favorite. Come say I swear by now. End of segment.

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jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario, void where prohibited, one per new customer, non-withdrawable. Pick 6 credits expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building

on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop

design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's

so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky

tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

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Funny. All right, we're back. We got another repost. Another repost. People are signaling. Funny. Something that people will signal boost for you. Yeah. Which is, you know, half the name of the game, but it's tough. Right. And people want to play Fuck, Marry, Kill, Murder, Marriage, and Sex. People are having a fun time. They're having a ball just looking at this tweet. Actually, I have a good recommendation, but it's too late.

Hashtag Galentine's Day. Oh, that's good. Maybe even hashtag belated Galentine's Day. Or happy hashtag belated Galentine's Day. Oh, that's good. Maybe even hashtag belated Galentine's Day. Or happy hashtag belated Galentine's Day. Yeah. That puts it in some other feeds. Yeah, it's like, oh, that's interesting. That's funny.

That's silly. I could retweet it with a hashtag. You can't because you already quote retweeted. You already reposted. Can I re-z-ed it? You re-exposted it. All right. Okay, you have a poem.

I have a poem. I've got three poems to read. Okay. So this is another classic poetry or no-etry. I'm 0 for 3, you're 0 for 2? Yes. This is your third poem. Yes, my third poem.

Okay. And neither of us have ever won this game. No. These poems, though, are all by me. So, wait, what? Okay. I can't lose. So where did you find the two quote-unquote real ones?

One sent to me by a friend. Another, I saw it recently on Poems A Day, Poem A Day. I think it's from the website poets.org. Okay. And loved it. And the other just came to me the same way. Fuck, marry, kill.

Fuck, marry, kill. How do I love you? Let me count the murder. Okay. All right. So which one do you want to hear first? The one I wrote or with one of the people? Let's do yours first.

Okay. You would love that, wouldn't you? Do you want to know the titles? Let's start with the first poem and the first title, but don't give me all three titles all at once. Okay. The moon rose over the bay. I had a lot of Feelings.

This is, you're going right into it. You're going right into it with no feeling at all. That's the name of the poem. Okay. What's it called? The Moon Rose Over the Bay, I Had a Lot of Feelings. That's the title? That's the title.

Okay. What do you think so far, Casey? Feels kind of involved for a title. I like it. I am taken with the hot animal of my skin, grateful to swing my limbs and have them move as I intend, though my knee, though my shoulder, though something is torn or tearing. Today, a dozen squid dead on the harbor beach, one mostly buried, one with skin empty as a shell and hollow feeling. And though the tentacles look

soft, I do not touch them. I imagine they were startled to find themselves in the sun. I imagine the tide simply went out without them. I imagine they cannot feel the black flies charting the raised hills of their eyes. I write my name in the sand. Donica Kelly.

Danica Patrick. I watch 18 seagulls skim the sandbar and lift low in the sky. I pick up a pebble that looks like a green egg. To the ditch lily, I say I am in love. To the Jeep parked haphazardly on the narrow street, I am in love. To the roses, white petals rimmed brown. To the yellow lined pavement, to the house trimmed in gold, I am in love. To the roses, white petals rimmed brown. To the yellow-lined pavement, to the house trimmed in gold, I am in love. I shout with the rough calculus of walking.

Just let me find my way back. Let me move like a tide come in. Okay. Okay. Did you love it? That one was, I'm 99 sure not you not you why because well now i'm 100 sure because you're really defensive about it i couldn't come up with that i thought it was too long and intricate involved and about a woman in love and uh use certain

languages that you would never use. I see. And you were sort of getting choked up about it. I wasn't getting choked up. It was just lying. I was taking a breath. Okay. But, you know, it's still in play.

It's about, like, body stuff, which you, like, are always thinking about. It's the beach, which you like, and, like, seeing things on Nantucket or whatever. This one is called February. February made me shiver. Can we get a refresh real quick? Wow.

50-fo. I was doing 55 in a 50-fo. Oh. Dull buzz or sharp ache? Longing for belonging. Yours. That's really. Why? Dull buzz or sharp ache? Longing for belonging. Yours. That's really the third.

Why? Third one's called wine. No, sorry. It can be February. My name is Donica Kelly. Dull buzz or sharp ache? Longing for belonging or longing just for the longing. That nagging feeling, pulling, clawing, tearing,

until you're breaking, bursting, yearning. Then you're running, charging, like a cow moose protecting its calf. Hooves pounding, hooves pounding against the frozen earth as it trembles, crumbles. The grizzly stands down, scampers, humbled. Those days when everything is clicking. This is awful. When you smile at the stranger, when you think fondly of your neighbor. I wrote the Donica Kelly one. I swear to fucking God, I have a gun. The sun shines bright until it shines in your eyes. Oh my God.

I really hope this one isn't you. I want to have to respect you later. Squinting, turning, then you're burning. Nothing good can last. Is this a song? And at last, all that's good comes to nothing. Then you're sitting, next you're lying, yearning, returning.

Let's hear the third poem. It's moving. This one is called The Niagara River by Kay Ryan. A lot of nature, a lot of winter, sort of all stuff you would also hearken to. So it's nice that you're muddying the waters a little bit. As though the river were a floor, we position our table and chairs upon it, eat and have conversation. As it moves along, we notice as calmly as though dining room paintings were being replaced, the changing scenes along the shore. We do know, we do know this is the Niagara River, but it is hard to remember what that means. Okay. First one, I'm solidified in eliminating. I'd be shocked if you wrote a really long poem about a woman in love like that.

Donica Kelly. Yeah. Yes, that poem is by Donica Kelly. Yeah. Okay. I thought having her name in there might trip you up. Yes, exactly. But you knew that I wasn't that smart.

Yeah. It's just for whatever reason, like names that we make up never sound real. They're always just like. Yeah. Yeah. Like I could never come up with Don sound real. They're always just like. Yeah. Yeah. Like I could never come up with Donica Kelly. Right. I feel like I could.

Yeah. I could come up with Donica Kelly. I would say something like Rachel Summers. I'm like, okay, that's obviously you. Right, right, right. Two equally random names. Anyway, shout out to Donica Kelly. Incredible poem.

Yeah. It was really nice. And it was long too. Yeah. When it's really long, it gives you ample opportunity to say something that I'm like, oh, that one's definitely you. And that one just kept going and going and going. Never did I ever think it was you.

Did you like that poem? Because it had some calculus. It had 18 seagulls. I thought you might like some of the, you know. Yeah. It didn't really move me, but I appreciated it as good or at the very least good enough that I know you didn't write it. Right. Okay. appreciated it as good or at the very least good enough that i know you didn't write it right okay

the second and third i'm trying not to get tripped up by the fact that you were sort of crying and laughing reading the second one which is like you were either moved by it and nervously giggling or laughing at the fact that you obviously wrote it and then i was figuring it out in real time and it was called february which is the month we're in. That's true. The third one is Niagara River, which is another thing you like. You like upstate New York chic shit. Like, oh, the river and the brooks and the fields and the forest and whatever.

The third one is sort of a nothing burger. I don't even remember any part of it right now. Really? It was like eating dinner on the bed and it's constantly changing. So, but a lot of poems I think are Nothing Burgers. So like that could have been a real poem. Right. Again, I'm thinking about the length of the poems too.

The third one is a lot shorter than the second, right? Yes. The third one is a lot shorter than the second, right? Yes. The third one is a short poem. The second one also had a lot of the repeating stuff, like the yearning and blurning and herning, like that style.

Yeah, it was herning for sure. So now I'm trying to figure out. Can I ask you to read part of the second one again? Of course. The first stanza or two. No problem. Dull buzz or sharp ache.

Longing for belonging or longing just for the longing. Yeah, like that. Why does this one rhyme in the second one? The third one does not at all. Now read the beginning of the third one. As though the river were a floor, we position our table and chairs upon it. That's pretty

good. It's much better than longing for belonging or longing for belonging. But you also could have done like a silly or rhymey one to throw me. But I have to choose. You do.

I'm going to say... Oh, wow. As soon as I'm like, you wrote the second one, I'm like, no, he wrote the fucking... the Riverbed one that's constantly changing.

He loves the Niagara River. So, but just to be clear, you're trying to figure out which, you know, like what I would do yeah you don't like either of these last two poems i thought the second one the first one stood out above and yeah above the rest okay these second two are kind of more elementary wow i wrote the first one asshole that would be a great reveal. I'll say you wrote...

You snubbed. Let's get a refresh on this tweet. Let's get a refresh. Under 69. Okay, 66. We're two-thirds of the way there. God. I'm like 51-49 trying to think of any, like, would you do the longing for belonging?

Or is that like, no, I'm not going to make it rhyme because that's too obvious. But I'll give them the rhyming one. Also, you wrote the Niagara River one. Really? Yeah. Wow. Niagara River. It is by K. Ryan.

No! niagara river it is by k ryan no you loved february i laughed at it instantly said you only because i was laughing only because i was laughing this one's you you were moved by it longing you belonging longing for belonging are you longing just to want something and you don't really know what it is? That's actually really beautiful if you think about it, which you're obviously not.

I second-guessed myself. All right, let's read it again. Wow, this is the first victory in poetry or noetry. Casey, did you have any inclination? Inclination? Yeah.

As to which one I liked? As to which one Jake wrote. I was leaning February. You could say, you know, you could like it and know which one I liked? As to which one Jake wrote. I was leaning February. You could say you could like it and know which one I wrote. Wow. You got me. Okay, let's read it. February by Jake Hurwitz.

Nice. Actually, you lost. Why don't you read it? It was long, which is why I was like, maybe that one's not it. I spent time writing it. It was long, which is why I was like, maybe that one's not it. I spent time writing it. Yeah, you did. I was like, the only way I'm going to trick Amir is if I kind of really try to write a poem. When you said dull buzz or sharp ache, I'm like, this is yours because sharp ache.

Yeah, you're constantly thinking about aches and pains. Totally. Longing for belonging or longing just for the longing. Wow. That nagging, feeling belonging or longing just for the longing. Wow. That nagging feeling pulling, clawing, tearing. Now that I know it's yours, what was I thinking?

Gorgeous. Until you're breaking, bursting, yearning, then you're running. Ooh. Charging like a cow moose? This part I looked up. Yeah.

I think you also looked up an animal the last one or like what a certain word meant. Right. Yeah, yeah. I was like, he won't think I would use the word cow moose. It sounds like I left a word in there by accident. Right.

Exactly. Why cow moose? Right. Protecting its calf. Yeah. A cow moose is something that will protect its calf. Anyway, go ahead. Who's pounding against the frozen earth as it trembles, crumbles.

The grizzly stands down, scampers humbled. Wow. This rhymes. It's kind of stands down, scampers humbled. Wow. This rhymes. It's kind of a slam poetry. Yes, exactly. Those days when everything is clicking, when you smile at the stranger, when you think fondly of your neighbor. Don't we all know that feeling?

The sun shines bright until it shines in your eyes. Oh, no. That's obviously. Yeah, that's obviously. Yeah, that's bad. That line's not great. I had to finish it last night because I knew we were going to do this segment. It shines bright until it shines in your eyes.

Yeah, then it's really bright. Squinting, turning, then you're burning. Nothing good can last. And at last, all that's good comes to nothing. Whoa, look at that turn. It's kind of a fuck, marry, kill, murder, marriage, sex-esque. It goes down to 12. Then you're sitting next to your lying, yearning, returning.

There's a lot of rhymes in here. Was that a specific thing to throw me off or you just got yourself? No, I was just like, I'm just going to try to write a poem about something. And I was like, I was, was you know that feeling that nagging feeling that awkward feeling when it's like when i think it's like it happens a lot in new york in the winter where you're just like you're it's just like wanting and you don't really know what you want but it's like yearning burning and herning that's that's the longing just for the longing yes but not longing for belonging too so i was like i don't have anything like i can't write niagara river

so i'm just gonna write what i'm feeling and it was just feeling restless yeah so i was like writing for the feeling that i wanted i wanted that energy of the cow of the cow moose charging breaking the frozen ground cow moose is the type of moose or kind of cow? It's a, I just Googled moose that charges. Got it. And one of them was cow moose. And yeah, it said cow moose are the ones that charge. And yeah, then I was like, well, it's kind of interesting. It all comes full circle because, you know,

sometimes things are good, but then they come back. And when they're bad, sometimes they're good. So it was like, yeah, the yearning returning, I think that's a really powerful final image, Casey. Casey? Yeah, yeah. Casey? I agree, yeah.

And you were laughing and sort of tearing up while reading it. I was not moved. I was really embarrassed. I was laughing because I was shy, and I thought it was bad as I was reading it out loud. It's very different when you're looking at it on a text document than when you're reading it out loud. Presenting it as a poem to be like,

do you guys like this? So then it was pretty bad. But I, personally, I was moved by Niagara River. I thought it was a great poem. I thought that one was yours because it was shorter

and then it was just about like a river which you can easily speak to. Totally. Body of water. Yeah. Did you try to find two poems that sounded like something you could write, or those were just two poems that were sent to you?

No, it was just that I liked that other one, and then this one was sent to me. But I was grateful as I read it. I was like, oh, Amir could, like, Niagara, that's where your character is from in Jake and Amir, Niagara Falls. Right, right. So I was like, he might think that that's where your character is from in Jake and Amir, Niagara Falls. Right. So I was like, he might think that that's... Think that you wrote it. Yeah.

And then the other one where she mentions like aches and pains in her body, I was like, yeah, that's perfect because that's kind of me. Right. And like being in love. And I also thought it was like a little all over the place, but in a nice way. It's like about the beach and then all of a sudden it's like, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. So I'm like, yeah, Amir could think that I wrote that too.

But yeah, February is... What is it about February that makes it an award-winning poem to you? Actually, August would have been... What was your favorite part of February? When I instantly said you wrote it.

And my least favorite part is when I changed my mind at the end. And what part of it moved you? The cow moose. Imagine riding it off into the sunset. The grizzly stands down. Unbelievable. Let's get a refresh on this tweet. 81.

I mean, that's the best you've done. Yeah. Let's go to break, and we'll have one more segment. I don't think so. Yes. Of course we'll have one more segment. What are we at running time-wise? We've been rolling for 40 minutes.

That's only 40 minutes. That's pretty short. We tend to do these for at least 45. Okay. Let's do one more segment. Yeah, one more segment. We'll have to. Yeah, we have to. All right. 45. Okay. Let's do one more segment. Yeah, one more segment. We'll have to. Yeah, we have to.

All right. Yeah. All right, we're back. Okay. One last segment to rule them all slash kill enough time for you to get closer

to 100. We're at 83. It's not going to happen, is it? I'm just going to Venmo you 11 right now. I could have made 50 fucking bucks easily.

Yeah. Easily.mo you 11 right now. I could have made 50 fucking bucks easily. Yeah. Easily. And you conned me. You hoodwinked me. You're a shyster. I just searched your poem. You didn't write February. I helped.

You changed one word and you called it your own poem. It's an homage. All right. You sent me an email from 2008. Yeah. I had a random idea that I could just search script in a date range on my phone. Basically, the word script before 2009. Okay. And I found one that wasn't produced as a Jake and Amir because this was a promo for our MTV show.

Wow. Do you remember shooting the promo? No. This is like to air before our Jake and Mir videos to promote the TV show. Yeah. Do you remember what it was called? We were like in this Sunday night lineup

with like Ridiculousness. Nitro Circus. Nitro Circus, Us, and maybe there was another one or maybe it was three. It was one last show, yeah. Yeah. That's a good question. This is one last show, yeah. Yeah. That's a good question. This is a good MTV history question.

Yeah. Back when MTV had more than one television show. Oh, wasn't it the show that is still on TV all the time? Like, oh, Fantasy Factory. Fantasy Factory. That's what it was. Well, was it, it was Ridiculousness and Fantasy Factory? Maybe it was Rob and Big or something.

Right. It was a lot of Rob Dyrdek content. Yeah. And Nitro Circus was like a BMX b Big or something. Right. It was a lot of Rob Dyrdek content. Yeah. And Nitro Circus was like a BMX biker or something. It was like Jackass Adjacent. Yeah. But more like crazy stunts. Yeah.

And it was called See You Sunday, right? See You Sunday. Oh, that was the name of the block? Yeah, the block was like. Yeah. And we went, we had like a big photo shoot I remember like every single kind of like set we'd ever been on even when we were

shooting the College Humor show it was just we shot it in our office so it was small it didn't feel like different than you know any of the College Humor sketches we'd been doing and then we went and we did like the MTV promo with like their crew it was like a circus themed thing.

Yeah. And it was this giant like soundstage. I remember being very sick. Oh, yeah. You had a huge, you had a really bad cold. Yeah. I think I had a flu or something because I remember they were like, all right, get into this like evil Knievel thing and sit in this cannon. And I was like so cold and sore.

Yes. Would not fly today. And I don't know if I don't even like i remember that there was like a photo shoot of it yeah and it was for a while it was like out in front of the time square building yeah yeah um and apparently we filmed something also because uh they asked us to write like little interstitials for when you were in this cannon. Okay. So which one do you want to start with? The ones that you wrote?

Oh, I see. So this is while I'm in the cannon? Yeah. This is to be shot while we're shooting a promo on the other thing? No, I think they asked us to write this. Holy smokes. All right, let's write. Let's read the ones you sent. Got a few.

Okay. Well, wait, no. Scroll down until you say thoughts on this. This is yours, I think. Oh, smokes. Okay. All right, here we go. Amir's in the cannon with a helmet. Jake approaches. Sap. Hey, what are you doing? Chilling. In a cannon? Yes, specifically chilling in a cannon, yes. I guess why? Well, remember how you said we could hang out when pigs fly? I never said that. Don't interrupt. Well, I figured maybe pigs can't fly, but I sure as heck can. You're not going to fly. You're going to die.

Same thing. Not even close to the same. They rhyme. Can you just get out? Dinner tonight. Sure. Cool. Just light this baby and point it towards a decent restaurant, please.

Nothing with salads. And that was used to have the greatest debut in MTV history. We were watched by 23 million people that year. I remember the first episode came out and everyone was so worried about the ratings. And we had a million people watch. And it was like pretty good. A million. Yeah. Which is like insanely good now.

Insanely good now. But then like the next week it was like 800 000 then 600 000 then like 400 was getting lower and lower and and rob dyrdek is staying the exact same so the drop the drop off from him to us was growing wider well it was like fantasy factory skateboarders doing insane shit into a gym foam pit. Yeah. Sketch comedy featuring eight white 23-year-old guys. Narrative scripted comedy. Then after that, Nitro Circus. Skateboarders blowing themselves up. And the ratings were like huge, small, huge. They did.

They put us in the exact right zone to succeed. Yeah. They gave us all of the tools. Oh, yeah. Can you believe? All right. So then I guess I punched it up. zone to succeed yeah and we gave us all of the tools no yeah can you believe all right so then i i guess i punched punched it up um why don't we go down to the second one jake approaches a mirror

and a cannon this is your god if yeah i guess i said i i got a few okay uh you say sup wow what are you doing check me out i'm a human burrito. You're inside a cannon. Light my tortilla string. That's the fuse. Okay. So you're starting to understand it's a cannon? Well... Want some help out? Yes, but only if we can go get Mexican food together.

Nope. Double or nothing. Doesn't quite make sense. Get me out of the fucking cannon. Can you believe the same guy that wrote this wrote February? And wrote fuck, marry, kill, murder, marriage, and sex. You contain multitudes. It's amazing.

All right, there's one more. Okay. Jake approaches Amir in a cannon. Jealous? Nope. That I'm a daredevil? It didn't matter what you were going to say. Not a person to live on the edge, are you, Jakey?

So you want to get shot from a cannon? Maybe break your skull? Explode even? Ha. Not kidding. Get me out. What? Light the fuse?

Yeah, right. Okay, sure. I'll ignite the cannon. Ha ha ha. Shut up. Let me roll this out of the cannon. It hurts his back. Ha.

So that's a backflip or... You want to go to the hospital? Yeah. God damn, these are good. I feel like I just found the Mona Lisa in an attic. See you Sunday, everybody. If we look at MTV's schedule now, it's like 23 hours of Nitro Circus. I feel like they're not replaying the MTV show at all.

Yeah, I wonder if we could watch an episode of our old show. Somebody sent it to us. Somebody like downloaded them and sent it to us. Really? So I think we can watch it. God, that would be embarrassing. We should do that as a segment. We could watch, I don't know, five minutes of it,

see how long we could stand it. Before one of us gongs it to stop. All right, so that's about it. Why don't we do the whole sign off thing? Yeah. And then we refresh and see. All right.

Thanks so much for watching. We'll be back next week. No, no, no. Let's vamp it up a little bit because where do people, you know, where are they going to go to our Patreon?

Yeah, patreon.com slash JA. We're watching Jake You usually do more of like a thing. I don't think so. It's really less like we're in and out. Appreciate you guys

checking us out on YouTube. Everybody, we just want to say thanks so much. I'm going to read February again. I got this herning, yearning, burning, feeling inside me. Oh, man, you love that poem. It's in your head.

Zombie. All right, let's see. You owe me $100 minus. It's going to be like 92. You're going to owe me $8. Final verdict. Drum roll, please. 92.

Nailed it. Solid. I get a smoothie at Erewhon. This is so fucked. I shouldn't have taken the deal. And to think I was going to give you $50. I can't afford that. That's absurd.

There's no way. I owe you $8. How about now? Six repos, five quotes, and two people bookmarking it. I love you bookmarkers. Next episode, it's us interviewing those two people.

So, what did you love about February? I don't know. I must have accidentally clicked it or something. Alright, see you guys next week. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.