Segments - 18: Snapchat

Episode Date: September 2, 2013

In this episode we discuss STDs, drinking tolerance, and the infamous "friend-zone." This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace.com -- the easiest way to make a website/portfolio/online store. Use coupon code "Amir" for 20% off in September! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oh, hey there. No. Why? Why? Give me one. Why did you do that? Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help.

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Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Today's episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace.com. That's right. They make an all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create a professional. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Sometimes your life doesn't go the way you planned. A fork stuck in the road has left you in a jam. Write down your problems and explain what just went wrong. Email it to ifiwoshow at gmail.com. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show.

Awesome. Damn. That was dope. He did a callback to the first terrible one that you did. What do you mean? But he made it better. Well, I mean, I wrote the original music. Yeah.

So I think that's sort of, if anything, we elevated each other. Because I gave him the the blueprint and yeah he brought it to life a little bit but he built the house yeah yeah but would the house exist without the without the blueprint you said build a house and he just made it from scratch and then you're like it's a 50 50 thing i said make a house you know what did you record the intro did you ever record an intro jesus you dick thanks oh my god let's tell you what man you sing an intro right now all right one two three go hey if i were you i would tell you that i would do that you today and it's all right shit that was actually really good

welcome to if i were you show or welcome to if i were you yeah welcome to if fire you show or welcome to a fire you yeah welcome to a fire you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and yeah thank you do you remember his name jordan um yes it was jordan claw no no it was Jordan F something. Jordan, well, we'll find out. Should I look? Yeah, you should look. I'll kill time. Floyd. Jordan Floyd.

Jordan Floyd, that's it. Jordan Floyd. Cool name for a cool singer. Very cool. Yeah, we get theme songs submitted to us to our email at fireyoushow at gmail.com. Keep them coming. That one was one of my favorites, but you know what?

There's a lot of favorites in your brains right now just waiting to come out and be recorded. So thanks guys for submitting. How does this work? How does this podcast work? Well, for starters, it works usually by you explaining how it works. So I don't know why you're putting me on the spot right now. We find people in sticky situations in their own conundrums. See, it's not so easy. No, it's really hard. Let me try again. I can't write theme songs and you can't introduce the show. That's why this partnership works. It's I or You Today. So the theme of the show is we help you out of your sticky situations. You email us in with your problems and we are going to try to give you advice. Whether or not it's good, we're not sure, but we're going to

definitely try to make it funny or at the very least insult you and shame you publicly. So how do people write into the show? They email us at ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com and I resent the quiz that you're putting on me right now. I really don't think it's fair. Objection. Leading. But I'm leading you towards good answers. Leading the witness.

Me towards the path that you, my lawyer, want to take me to. Leading me. You're leading me. Can you say objection as a witness? I don't think so. Or can only lawyers object? Only lawyers can object, I think. I object to that.

I think anyone should object. Yeah lawyers can object, I think. I object to that. I think anyone should object. Yeah. In fact, I object. Sure, and that means nothing coming from you, sitting in a towel cavern in your apartment. Eating a sandwich, watching this trial. How did you even get in here, sir? I was watching Judge Judy. Objecting from home.

So, yeah. Should we just throw ourselves into this business? Yeah, let's hurl ourselves into it. We try to keep it to half an hour or less. Recently, we've been going over, hey, no one's complaining. Except for, yeah, we got a lot of people saying, like, a little too much. So let's try to keep it to 30 minutes this time. All right, here we go.

Question number one. Oh, we give these emails a fake name. You know, we try to keep these people anonymous as possible. So we give these real emails fictional names. To preserve your anonymity. Oh, nailed it. That's right. What fake name should we give this person?

We didn't really discuss a theme for today's episode. Yeah, and therefore? Hey, I got one. I got one. Ned Flanders writes. We've already done Simpsons. But there's so many characters, we might as well not burn it after five. Really?

No, we're going to repeat a show this early? You think you can think of another show right now? I'll tell you what. Yeah, I really do. Corey. No, we already did this, too. All right. Did we do Boy Meets World? Ooh, good question. No, I really do. Corey. No, we already did this, too. All right. Did we do Boy Meets World?

Ooh, good question. No, I don't think so. Did we? I would have remembered we did Topanga. Yeah, I don't think we did. All right, Corey. Corey Matthews writes, Hey, dudes.

So there's this girl who I'm really good friends with, but I've also gone through some times where I want to take it to the relationship level. This has happened twice before. The first time she said yes, but then took it back. The second time it was a straight up denial. But now I think I want to ask her out again. She's changed a lot over the last six months and seems even cooler. If I tell her how I feel and she reciprocates, that's great.

But if she doesn't, I'm just afraid we won't talk again. To make matters worse, she is currently in a stable relationship with some dude and we're going to go on holiday with them with a girl, her boyfriend, Thanks, Corey. What are you talking about? I like how he thinks that it's still his decision to make. Right. I like how he's like, she's gotten even cooler the last couple months. That's the problem? No. Have you you gotten cooler she's rejected you twice she's already already out of your league like oh if you can imagine i actually like her even more now because she's

gotten cooler also because she's rejected me twice i'm pretty into it uh dude i've definitely believed that she's gotten cooler uh i definitely think that you are i What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, if I tell her how I feel and she reciprocates, that's great Yeah, I know, we know that it's great You've asked her out twice before So yes, it would have been great if she said yes the first time I can't believe how positive this email is She rejected me twice

I'm going to ask her out again She's got a boyfriend What's up? What should I do? Should I ask her away for the boyfriend to leave Or just sort of never ask her again? You already told her. You actually, we applaud your courage because a lot of people don't even have the courage to ask out their crushes once. Let alone twice. Yeah, let alone twice. So you've already done so much. We're already very proud of you.

I don't know if you should quote unquote fire that third bullet. But you know what? I mean, you might as well just keep them coming. Maybe she won't be able to resist this onslaught. Like in poker, if you bluff before the cards come out and then you're supposed to make a continuation bet on the flop, it's like, okay, that second bullet. Then it's like, you keep getting called. You keep bluffing and bluffing and bluffing. Now there's like, all the cards are out. Do you fire that last bullet, make that last bluff and try to steal the pot? You might as well, because you obviously don't care that much about your friendship, right? I mean, yeah. What's the friendship like at this point? I mean, if you have like an undying crush on your friend, you might as well just always tell her

that you like her and you want to date her because otherwise like you're not getting anything out of the friendship. Just waiting for the boyfriend to leave. That's sort of a common question. It's like, I really have this crush on this girl. Should I tell her and risk the friendship that we have? But how often is the friendship- Based on the crush. Like you don't actually- You don't actually, you shouldn't be friends with someone that you just have a crush on, right?

Yeah, I think so. So it's either like relationship or nothing. Like, yes, it will jeopardize the friendship, but the friendship doesn't really exist anymore because all you want to do is- Right, because what do you actually want? You either want a relationship or nothing. You like the jeopardize the friendship, but the friendship doesn't really exist anymore because all you want to do is... Right, because what you actually want, you either want a relationship or nothing. You like the idea of the friendship because at least that means you'll keep in touch with this person, you'll see this person, and you have a massive crush.

Right. Sometimes it's fun to have a crush, so you want to draw that out, but I think eventually you always have to take the plunge of like, I like you. Yeah, and I think the people only value this relationship, this friendship, because they have a crush on the person. So it's like, I don't want to ruin the friendship because hopefully down the line she'll want to hook up with me too. Right, yeah. It's like that.

There's something to playing it slow too. Right. So do you want to like this be the moment that you jeopardize it all? Or do you want to do that in two months or six months? Well, for this guy, you might as well just like, yeah, you've jeopardized it twice. So just keep on going. Keep on jeopardizing. You've earned it.

So she also has a long term boyfriend, stable relationship. I like it. He didn't say long term. He said stable. It's like a very solid relationship. All right. So anyway, she's head over heels in love with this other guy. Should I say something?

Should I destabilize this relationship? Yeah, I think I'd at least wait until the like the boyfriend's out of the picture or maybe it's like or the relationship is less stable as you say it's like it's like don't rock the boat you shouldn't meddle it's like this building is is a goddamn fortress should i try to hit it with my little hammer or wait till there's a few kings in it there's a castle wall and i have a slingshot what do i do here uh so if you're gonna go for it for the third time if i were you i would wait till the boyfriend is at least out of the picture that at least gives you some opening yeah and you're asking like a huge asshole when you like say something to her she probably doesn't have a large interest in somebody that comes and tries to break up a relationship right

she might think you're a jerk for doing that. At this point, I'd say you have like a 0.1% chance to put it in a sports metaphor. This is like a full court shot. And when the boyfriend is out of the picture, at least it's like a half court shot. There is a possibility. Or a deep, deep NBA three. Maybe like a 35 footer. Shot clock's running out, but you got a loft one.

Pray for the best. Cool. Thanks so much for uh writing us in cory and we are sorry to to uh crumble your world around you now we've been meaner to people this guy we at least respect this guy for trying yeah he's got he's got a good attitude he's got a good head on his shoulders he's doing him unfortunately um it's not gonna work out with this girl. Unfortunately, the good head you have on your shoulders is dumb. You have a good dumb head on your shoulders. That's not true.

You're not dumb. Yes, you are. You won't let me make this guy feel good at the end. Sorry. He's like, all right, silver lining. You have a good head on your shoulders. But it's dumb. All right. But maybe it's not entirely dumb.

Yes, it's stupid. It's good to have a dumb head than to have no head at all. Yes, I guess, but barely. All right. Second question. This one comes from Sean Hunter. Mr. Hunter? How's that impression?

Pretty good. Hey, y'all. So I started using Snapchat because my friend suggested it to me. And before I knew it, my weak mind got addicted. I started Snapchatting with this cute girl I know, and I've started noticing her pics have been getting increasingly more revealing. I usually get some cleavage shots, and the last one was of her in a bikini. Does this mean anything? Should I seize that cheese or is she just playing? What would you recommend I do in this sticky situation? By the way, she just recently broke up with her boyfriend.

Big fan, Sean Hunter. So at least he made the good move of waiting until the boyfriend broke up. We've done Tinder. You've shepherded Tinder to all of our listeners. Can you explain what Snapchat is? I can explain why he thinks that this girl is flirting with him okay and i've done it um with a picture of myself right now i while you were talking i took a snapchat so what at least start with what is a snapchat for everybody

who's older over 30 jesus christ you don't even people all right so because i wouldn't know what a snapchat is if it weren't for you a snap is a, it's like a picture message that vanishes after up to 10 seconds. So it's an app that allows you to send pictures that vanishes. Pictures and video that erases, there's no trace of it. So it's like, it's inherently flirtatious. Yes. Okay. I would say that. But here's the thing. It's like texting doesn't allow you to send group messages and let someone think that it's just to them. Snapchat does. I could Snapchat like eight different people on my list with a flirty message and every single person will be like,

Oh, that was just for me. So I get pictures of somebody's cleavage. It's like, that's hot. But I wonder who else she's like setting it to. So I would not definitely not ask a girl out based on a snapchat i think what you could do is escalate it a little bit and like asking her questions via the app or something

i i'm 28 so i don't even know if i'm using this app right it literally just might be like dick pics for everybody tit pics for everybody i like to fix for everyone i i at least like to know that uh something's coming only to me so like i'll ask a question and then if there's an answer or something, like some kind of unique thing that makes me know that it's for me, that's what I'm going after. Snapchat is one of the few apps that makes me feel old. Like I am too old to use Snapchat. It's so immature.

It's so young. Like everything is so silly and flirtatious. And I just, I feel like my, my ship has sailed. I can never use Snapchat. Really? I mean, high school and college, that's the ultimate Snapchat age. You know, I thought the same thing. I downloaded Snapchat. I was like so upset by it. It was like, I don't understand what this is. It's like pictures of people's faces and they wrote like morning commute. Like, no, I don't want to know that. And I deleted it. And then I like was watching other

people look at their snaps and I was like, oh, this does look kind of fun. It's like goofy. Right. So I redownloaded it, which is also what happened with me and Tinder. And I fell in love with it the second time. Oh, you deleted Tinder the first time you used it? Yeah. Deleted Tinder the first time I used it. Why? Because I was swiping. There wasn't like, I wasn't really impressed by the quality of people on it. Jesus. I was swiping to the left most of the time, and then I was like, you know what? This is boring.

But then I watched people playing it together, which is like, oh, I want to be part of this. So it's part of social. So it's like a room with five guys tindering, holding up matches. And that got me back into it. You troglodytes. You cavemen. R ranking your girls and lifting up

the ones that like you back girls play it the same exact way do they yes they do they get in a group and they swipe guys left and right yes yes and then they they raise up the ones that they like i don't know if it's that exact extreme but i know that i've hung out with girls who are like yes we we like tinder in crews of people and i've seen girls like uh sending screenshots of their matches i know that happens so it's it's an equal opportunity shallow game yes i'm sure guys take it a little further but but it's for both people so this guy who's been snapchatted flirtate why is snapchat so inherently flirty like why do you send, why are they like,

whenever you get a Snapchat, there's like a little part of you like, Ooh, maybe this is like a booby picture. Right. Which is also why Snapchat is like 90% of the time disappointing. Cause I'm like, I see something like, Oh my God, is this going to be boobs? And then I open it. It's like somebody's face in bed being like, I don't want to get up today. I'm like, all right. Yeah. Well, you know who does want to get up today yeah it's my little general is that the second time you've called my penis a little general yeah all right cool i guess that's enough let's not get it to three very funny very cute and it's not it's it's not little it's a gigantic swinging general it's's a goddamn admiral. He's the naval commander.

I'd appreciate it if you'd salute it right now. I really would like you to stand up and salute my penis. So what's our advice? I wouldn't ask her out based on the Snapchat, but I would try to escalate its flirtatiousness by sending back some flirtatious ones yourself and see if you're getting responses. And then if you guys have a rapport where you are snapping each other uh then it might be time but also there's a thing that you can do in snapchat if

you go into your contact list you can click on a name and see who their top three snaps are like the people that they snapchat with uh-huh and if you're in that top three then that's good that's a good sign with you a lot so who's in your top three um if you don't mind saying on this very public forum let me i'll let me check i don't know if i can look at myself oh yeah i can uh three three friends of mine all right perfect dude story checks out three friends so if you're listening friends it's probably you uh uh here's a question what is there uh when girls send you uh revealing photos of you what's the response there you can't send one back can you um i've never sent a picture of my penis right but like what is the equivalent like you shirtless i've i think i've done that like once but it was like in response it wasn't

like your boobs here's my here's me like it was like i would send a sexy pic at some point so girls send boobies girls have a great thing with the boobs because it's like it's not so graphic but it's like super sexual we don't have anything't have anything like boobs. You don't have boobs. I really, I mean, I show my boobs shamelessly. You walk around topless. It doesn't mean anything. Nobody gets like vagina shots unless you get to that point on Snapchat. You just open and see a vagina. I can't just send somebody, Jesus Christ, a penis picture?

That's so foul. You should just send her a picture of somebody else's boobs. Oh, that's a good idea. It's like, here, I respect you, and I'm going to send you also a picture of somebody else's boobs. Oh, that's a good idea. It's like, here, I respect you, and I'm going to send you also a picture of boobs. Unfortunately, I do not have boobs. I wish I did. That's sort of the lot God dealt me, but here's a picture of boobs. All I've got is this massive admiral, that's all.

Salute it. All right, let's move on to the third question we are hitting the five minute marks very evenly this time i like that um all right third question this one comes from mr feeney george feeney george feeney hey dudes so there's this girl i've recently started seeing and she's really great we get along wonderfully and she is very attractive as well as intelligent. However, I hear rumors that she has been around and is easy and I am somewhat scared of getting an STD from her. How do I ask her if she's clean without making it seem like I'm calling her a slut? Much appreciated. George Feeney. It's funny to think of Mr. Feeney writing that. It's funny to imagine how different our answers are about to be. Well, the premise is like this guy heard that this girl that he likes has been around and is easy.

And he's not turned off by that. He just wants to know if she's clean before boning her. But I feel like in my brain, when I hear a girl has been around and is easy, I am less interested in her. But for you, that doesn't affect how interested you are in a girl has been around and is easy, I am less interested in her. But for you, that doesn't affect how interested you are in a girl. If she's attractive, smart, and did he say funny too? Yes. So yeah, what do you, it doesn't matter if she's easy. I don't know. For some reason, it just feels like when the challenge is gone, if it's like, oh, she will hook up with, but maybe there's some other challenge. Maybe it's not like challenging to hook up with her, but maybe it's challenging her to get her like, just like you or something. Or maybe it's like, oh, she will hook up with... But maybe there's some other challenge. Maybe it's not like challenging to hook up with her,

but maybe it's challenging to get her like, just like you or something. Or maybe it's challenging to get her to open up. Maybe she's just used hooking up as like a, as a, you know, keeping people away thing. But for some, for whatever reason, when I hear someone has hooked up with a lot of people, I'm less interested.

But maybe, is that me being shallow? Or is it you being shallow for not caring? I think it's definitely more negative on you. That's what I've ascertained. I'm not quite sure how yet. I don't know if it's shallow. It's like closed-minded, maybe. So if a girl is,

you heard that a girl is hooked up with a lot of your friends in addition to a lot of people in your class. If she's hooked up with a lot of my friends, then I'm like doubly interested. Doubly interested? Yeah. Why? Because I want to be on the same level as my boys. If I hear a girl that I hooked up with is hooking up with my friends, then I'm like, oh,

gross. But if I haven't hooked up with a girl and I hear that she's hooking up with my friends, I'm like, oh, I want to hook up with her too. Really? I don't know why. That's so interesting because if a girl hooked up with one of my friends, I would consider her off limits. Oh yeah, no, the opposite for me. If a girl hooked up with one of my friends, I would consider her off limits. Oh, yeah. No, the opposite for me. If a girl hooks up with one of my friends, I'm like, that's really attractive. I want that too. So there's no amount of friends that this girl can hook up with for you to be like turned off by it?

No. I mean, the only thing that would turn me off is if like she liked one of my friends and my friends liked her. Right. And then it's like, oh, I don't want to get involved. Like when emotions are involved, then I'd be like, oh, okay, no. So you're you're able to separate that i mean not i'm probably still be mildly attracted to her but know that i wouldn't pursue it what if you're at a party and you have a crush on a girl and you look up

and she's making out with jeff rosenberg right and then you're like oh that's cool i want to hook up with her too i don't think it would be like that instantaneous i don't think oh just kissing her i want to kiss her i think it would be like jeff kisses her a couple weeks go by jeff hasn't kissed her since there's nothing happening between them like oh what's up with that girl i would kiss her all right i'm interested yeah okay so this guy's a lot like you he just wants to know if she's clean or not how does he ask her or not jesus christ you don't care if she's clean or not. First of all, what diseases are you worried about? I don't know. Does he think she has AIDS?

No, but maybe like chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes. All right, herpes is rough, but you can see the signs of herpes. If she doesn't have open cold sores, then it's fine. Is that true? Do you want to give that advice right now? Is there a way? That's what I've heard. Is it possible for a girl to look clean and still have herpes?

I feel like the answer is yes. I think asking someone if they have herpes is like, if you have herpes, it's on you to say something before you hook up with someone or at least be cautious.

Herpes are not contagious if you don't have open sores. Okay, so the other ones? Chlamydia, gonorrhea. Cured with penicillin. So if it's curable, you might as well not even ask. Yeah, I've never got chlamydia or gonorrhea, but if I did, I'd be fine curable you might as well not even ask yeah i think i've

never got chlamydia or gonorrhea but i wouldn't if i did i'd be fine with it i'd be like that's an adventure that's a fun story like i've got chlamydia i'm gonna take antibiotics for a week if i got chlamydia that would be an adventure yeah that's the name of your autobiography would be the best adventure of all move over burning. There's a new adventure in my life. Gonorrhea. It's called an STD. And I am DTF. I've been asked before hooking up if I have an STD.

Sure, that's the thing that happens, right? It's like, while you're hooking up, you don't do it before you hook up. Right, I would not. If I were at a bar and someone was like, are you clean? I'd be like, what are you talking about? But if you're in the moment. But the other dangerous thing is like in the moment,

she might, she like does and she wants to hook up with you anyway. She might just be like, no, I'm cool. Yeah, I'm fine. But like, what are the odds that she gets a test done every single time she's had sex, especially if she's quote easy and been around. But also I would quote rumor. Okay. That's like, that's not even necessarily true.

Right. Who knows what the rumor, if the rumors are true? So maybe she's a virgin. And also, STDs on women, I believe, are very easy to spot. It's like there's rashes and discharge. You're not going to be having sex with her while she's like... Well, this is why I want to institute my scarlet letter theory, which is forcing girls to brand themselves whenever they have an std yeah guys

can still you know keep it play it cool play it close to the vest or whatever but if a girl had to sew a giant std to her face absolute dick to her face i don't know or to her clothing or so i just nothing that she can remove or her clothing what is std sewed into her goddamn skin i just don't want i just don't want to like have it put on a cardigan that she can take off. It's a little small of her to hide that from me. It's microscopically small of you. I deserve to know and see that. You deserve to be dead.

Specifically from some sort of sexually transmitted disease. So you're not scared of STDs. And your advice to this guy is he shouldn't ask her. He should just look for her. While you're hooking up with her, maybe give her a quick little pap. A little cotton swab on the vajay. Put it in a petri dish. Let me tell you how to do a very discreet pap smear right now.

I wonder if there's a website that's like, swab a girl in her sleep, put it on a petri dish, and mail it to us. No way. I guess now that I say it it sounds illegal but right at the very least it's interesting before you said let's not now that you say it a second time it sounds illegal it sounded illegal as soon as you said a sleeping pap smear administered without a girl's consent or knowledge excuse you i know we're only on the third story here But please jump out the window I hope you die

Let's just try to land on your head or face My neck are closed If you will just lean out the back of the window And just sort of fall backwards Like you're going scuba diving or something I think that would do the trick And please don't flip all the way that you land on your feet yet again. You really should land concrete against the back of your skull.

From STD being sewn onto someone's face to a sleeping pap smear, I think you deserve to die. I'm sorry. And yeah, this isn't like the kind of thing that you can apologize for or play off as a joke. This is just a death sentence. It really is. I am the executioner here.

I'm the judge, jury, and the executioner. Yeah, I don't know. Guilty, I guess. Please, leave. Die. God. Ready? Ready.

Did we answer this guy's question? Well, I know I gave my advice, which is to not worry about it. Right. I guess my advice is to ask her about it in the heat of the moment. Which she'll definitely lie to you and then remember that you asked her about it. Right, but then you asked her. Let's move on, pal. That was good.

Then you asked her. Then when you get an STD and your friends are like, didn't you at least ask her? You'll be like, no, I didn't ask her. I just figured she was clean. Really? You didn't hear that she's been around? No, I haven't heard that she's been around or she was easy. Or would you like to say, oh, I got an STD, but I asked her and she said she was clean. Really? You didn't hear that she's been around? No, I haven't heard that she's been around or she was easy. Or would you like to say,

oh, I got an STD, but I asked her and she said she was clean. If you get an STD, don't tell anybody. At least you got a clean conscience. Get it straightened out and then you can go home. A clean conscience.

Who cares about a clean bill of health? At least you're not blaming yourself. How's that for fair? How's that for feeling good? Being able to sleep at night even though your penis is on fire. That's unrelated to the STD. I'm just talking about lighting your dick on fire before you go to bed.

Which is, yeah, that's what you like to do, right? Yeah. Instead of getting an STD, you just like to light your own penis on fire. I like to, you know, light a match. I'm not very promiscuous, but every once in a while, I'll light my pubes on fire just to see what it feels like. It's hot, oddly enough. It's very warm. All right.

Halfway point. Not really. We're 25 minutes deep, but we can take that break that you like to take. I love this little break. I live for this break. Just like a mental vacation. Yeah. How you been, man?

Good. We recorded a podcast yesterday for last week, and today we're recording one for this episode because we're trying to for this episode. Yeah. Because we're trying to get two out before you go to Burning Man. That's true. Are you still excited about Burning Man? At this point, I'm still very, very excited about Burning Man.

Just downloaded a Burning Man app. It's so funny because by the time this is released, you will have survived or died at Burning Man. Right, I'll be back from Burning Man listening to this. Talk about future, Jake. I just wanted to tell you that I know you're about to have a great time. I hope everything goes very smoothly. I don't know.

This is future Jake. You've just returned from Burning Man. Oh, future Jake. Yeah. Welcome back. I can't wait to hear all about the crazy experiences you had. I hope they were all as positive as I currently think they will be. I hope they surpass even my wildest expectations. You said you sort of knew what you'd feel like

at the end of Burning Man, or you had a good estimate of what it was, but you never told me what it was exactly. You said, oh, I feel like I'll know what I feel about Burning Man when it's over. Do you remember that? Not really. You're like, oh oh i think i know how i'll feel about burning man oh i've said i think like at the end of burning man i'm gonna be like i can't wait to go next year i'm gonna go next year that was the best and then like as next year comes around i'll be like that was a lot of like planning and effort last year maybe it's not had that experience i think that i'll only go once but i mean who knows it is consuming your week like just thinking about it knowing that you have to go and it's expensive and like it took a lot of effort i mean i started planning

this in february you started you what you bought a hundred dollars worth of costumes yesterday yes so what were the costumes for burning man really well it's not really costumes as much as just my gear and like who i'm going to be on the playa, which is Jacob. But I got. Everybody's a character. Everyone's not a character. Everybody is their truest self. There's a difference. So I bought a fur vest, a fur coat, a cowboy tasseled jacket and army pants.

So that's you. You're going to be living some sort of post-apocalyptic YMCA dancer lifestyle. Yeah, I also bought welding goggles to shield the dust from my eyes. God, I can't imagine something I'd like less than Burning Man. I mean, it seems amazing. I downloaded the app today and it was like, it's telling me all about the theme camps that I get to hang out in and they all sound incredible.

But I don't want to be hot and uncomfortable for so long. Well, a bunch of these theme camps have like shading couches and music and drinks all for free. So you're saying I would like it? I'm saying you could go there and I think you could probably be relatively comfortable. At least more comfortable than you imagine. I think that you think it's like going to Iraq and like sitting in 110 degree heat, like in a little like 8 by 10 square of shade that you can't move or you'll burn to death. Yeah.

It's not that. There's sushi. There is sushi. There's a sushi tent where you can't move or you'll burn to death. Yeah. It's not that. There's sushi. There is sushi. There's a sushi tent where you can go and get fish. I am into sushi recently, but we'll save that for another break. Please don't. Let's actually never talk about how much you like fish.

We're almost out of time, but let's try to get one more question in. Let's do it. This one comes from another dude. Was it four dudes today? Yeah. We got to get one more question. Let's do it. This one comes from another dude. Was it four dudes today? Yeah, we got to find some more ladies for next one. This is fucked. What's Corey's brother name? Eric. Eric. Eric Matthews writes, I'll be honest, I don't have the greatest alcohol tolerance. The problem is I don't want people to think I'm a lightweight puss. I mean, I bench 175 at the moment. That might sound like a stupid problem,

but I'm going to be a freshman in college in a week and I've heard how big drinking is there. Any advice on how to build a better tolerance or how to seem like more of a tank? Love the show. Eric Matthews. It's cool that we have fans that are so unlike us. Right. If our fans knew us, if this guy was a freshman when i was a freshman he would ridicule me right he would make fun of me he could bench you oh no he could bench more than me i weigh 20 pounds less than what this guy can bench how much can you bench uh maybe like 110 we're talking about like a one rep max one rep 110 is that a lot or a little? I think that's a little. Oh, yeah. I guess I do like one. Okay.

I'll say 125. I've done a few at 110. So I guess one rep is like just the maximum you can put up once. Maybe like 250. Now that I think about it. As long as we're lying about shit. If I could do 10 at 110, I feel like I could do one at 1,100. Yeah. If I could just sit here in this chair and tell you how much I can bench and we don't have to go to a gym and follow up i guess i can bench 275

does that math work out if i can do uh five at a hundred i can do a 500 once i also can't believe this guy's asking me and you how to seem like more of a tank well in my experience of being tank like but you have a good alcohol tolerance that's true you. You can't bench worth shit, but hey, you can drink a lot. Well, I also feel a little silly. Silly's not the word. Illegal. I feel criminal giving a 17-year-old advice on how to drink as much as possible. Not even like how to score alcohol for like a little bit of fun, but how to basically binge drink.

Here's a question isn't this a good problem to have isn't it like i hate the way alcohol tastes i wish i was drunk after one drink why is it considered lame to be drunk after one or two drinks isn't that good you're saving money and in school everybody drinks excessively so you need to like well they drink until they get plastered but if you get plastered in one or two drinks i'd prefer that everybody you know it's it's crazy because it's like it's cheaper it's easier it's probably healthier too because you're not you're putting less poison in it right but no i think like at school you kind of people like do those things where they they like duct tape all the cans of

beer they drank together to like make a huge like staff or trident you can fake that so this is what you do i wish there was a pill that got me as drunk as five drinks did. I would take that pill, drink cranberry juice for the rest of the night. It is. It's Molly. That's not drunkenness, is it? It's like happiness. Drunkenness, it's probably similar.

If scientists wanted to stop worrying about diseases and start worrying about getting drunk, you think there's a pill that can make you as drunk as five drinks? Yeah, I think there are definitely pills that make you feel drunk. That's like people abuse prescription painkillers. Right. So what we're saying is get into these Oxycontin. What we're saying is don't worry about drinking. Try prescription painkillers.

And actually, if you wash down an Oxycontin with like a beer or two. Just two shots of vodka. Like that shit will swim fast. No, I think you should. If drinking comes up in college, don't try to like overdo it. Just your tolerance builds up naturally. You're very young. And above all, don't drink.

You're not of legal age. More importantly, please never have a sip of alcohol. That being said, if you do, your alcohol tolerance will rise very quickly. I mean, you work out. You know how things work. At first, you're a little weakling like me who can only bench 125. And then as you do things more and more, your body gets stronger and stronger. The body has a great ability to heal, grow, and become better over time. I mean, think about getting cut and then your skin just heals. That's sort of magic. Think about how you can bench 175 now. You couldn't do that before. Yeah. You're a guy. You already are a goddamn tank. You're a goddamn tank. But seriously, having a low tolerance, I feel like I'm onto

something here is not as bad as it seems. Like, you know how they say you're a two beer queer? Yeah. I would love to be a two beer queer. In fact, I probably am a two-beer queer. You might be. I've never had two beers, so I wouldn't know. You've never even finished one beer, right? Maybe I've had one beer. I think beer is so disgusting, man. That's so funny.

I think it, I've said this before, but when I drink a beer and then I look around and see how many people are enjoying it, I think all of society is playing a Truman Show-esque prank on me, and I'm not falling for it. I'm sort of with you. But craft beers can be very delicious. I wouldn't want more than

two. I feel like 40 people are like, oh, let's drink this shitty-ass drink and then give it to Amir, and then he'll be like, oh, this is so good, and we'll be like, gotcha. This just tastes like asshole. This is a prank. We're going to reveal it on your 40th birthday. When I say I like beer, they'll be like, you idiot. This is a 20-year con.

We got you to say you like this asshole taste. Companies were rich off of this. This prank. Saying the emperor's new clothes exist. No, I'm staying firm. Beer tastes like what it feels like when I puke a little bit in my mouth. It tastes bitter, which is a bad thing for things to taste like. You know when milk goes bad, it goes bitter or sour?

That's what beer's default setting is. It's also very carbonated, which as a personal preference kind of burns my tongue. Don't appreciate the carbonation. And three, you have to drink so much of it to get drunk. Not worth it. Can I suck your dick? That was the hottest rant I've ever seen. This is me talking to a girl at the bar.

So yeah. Anyway, barkeep, another water. Watch me guzzle this vodka tonic. You really have to give us money or something. You can't just sit here and insult the beer. That's why I only order the girliest cocktails. You do. My goal is to get drunk without tasting alcohol.

And usually that's the pinkest, reddest, or bluest drink. Yeah, you would love a daiquiri. Yeah, even like a virgin daiquiri. I feel like that would be ideal for me. I just like strawberry smoothies, yeah. If I can get a Rasmutaz from Jamba Juice that gets me high, drunk, faded, gone, rolling on anything, I would do that. A peanut butter mood for this very prude dude.

It is. Cool. That was good advice for this guy. I say don't worry about it. Get drunk off one or two drinks. Tell people you drink a lot, but they won't remember how much you drink. They're going to be so plastered anyway. Yeah, exactly.

And you know what? They're the ones wasting money. The next day, I promise you in college, nobody is like discussing the next day like, oh man, did you see that? Eric didn't like, he only drank like three beers. No one's looking at you. You self-centered prick. The world doesn't revolve around you even though you're built like a goddamn shit brick house.

I guess it's tough if you want to like pledge a frat or something where like they binge drink to initiate you. Right. Which is already the most dangerous stupid thing i've ever heard so try not to do that i guess try not to join a frat well try not to binge drink i don't want to shit talk frats you sure you want to shit talk frats i mean you think they're stupid i don't think they're cool what about what about our listeners that are in frats i mean they're cool're cool. You're cool. Obviously. I mean, we don't want to alienate those people. All your friends are the assholes.

All the people that you considered brothers are the losers. Not you, unless they start listening to this podcast. You just want to insult your brothers. I wouldn't say it's cool versus not cool. I would just say it's not for us. I would say, yeah. Yeah, totally. Because we're cool.

Oh, yeah, because we could join any frat we wanted. It's just like, it's not for us. And also, if we walked into a frat, or if I did when I was a freshman, I would get laughed the fuck out of there. Unless it was, quote unquote, the Jewish frat, the nerd frat. Any frat would become the Jewish frat if you joined it. Like a little drop of red food coloring in a giant container. Once you mix it up, it becomes dark, dark blood red.

Every frat would become the Jew frat if I joined it. That's a shirt. That's a shirt. All right. We are more than out of time. We keep going long, but I guess that's good. It's good. It's free content, you know?

Oh, we are going to start charging for this podcast. Oh, this is a good time to drop the bomb. 1999 per half episode. You just finished this episode, which means you will be billed by the iTunes store. Your first episode is going to be $2.99. How's that? That's pretty good. Everyone just got charged. And then from here on out, it's $21.99 per half episode. So listen to the break or then listen to the second half when we loosen up a little bit. No, just joking. It's always going to be free. Thanks to our awesome sponsors.

They give us the money so that you don't have to. Perfect. And then you can check them out and everybody's happy. Everyone wins. That's it. That is more than our time. Thanks so much for writing in, everyone. That email, once again, for those of you who don't know,

is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The submissions are getting better and better. The emails are so fun and funny, and we love them. The songs are awesome, too. Yeah, so keep those coming as much as possible. We really appreciate any and all feedback, and even the tweets and Facebook messages that we get when a new episode comes out is great.

The viewership goes up and up and up with every episode, so we appreciate all you guys staying tuned in and spreading the word. Except for that guy who we probably lost a couple episodes ago. When we banned him and every frat brother that just decided to kick my ass

if they saw me in the street. I think our goal is to just keep going and going until we alienate every single person that thinks we're funny. Me and you are the only fans of the podcast uh we want to end the show with another theme song which is you know how we do things around here another user submitted theme song which is comes from do you remember this girl's name claude no clauda audra audra audra did i say clauda no no it's a real name it's not a name that you just made up it's an actual name that she has to be fair claudia was closer to audra than nothing at all i guess uh so this one comes from audra

evans thanks so much for listening everyone we appreciate and love you all Jake and Amir are here too If you're confused, you have the blues Then this, please don't forget Listen to If I Were You