Segments - 180: Baldness

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

In this BONUS THURSDAY Episode we discuss roommates, Rory, and the end of TextJake.com... This episode is brought to you by Ball Park Flame Grilled Jerky! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. If I were you, the show If I were you, the podcast show They give advice that's hashtag dope If I were you, the show starts now The relevance is the truth It's incredible. Not epic enough. A single tear rolling down my cheek. We deserve more.

No. We deserve more bomb ass. That was a national anthem. Thank you to Chris and Amanda for that. Their last names are so close, but not the same. Amanda's last name is Guret, and Chris's last name is Georgetti. But they're both spelled with a G-U-E-R-E-O-T-T. Very interesting.

So Amanda and Chris, thank you for that. We don't usually get full marching band themes, but we'll take what we can get. Yeah, you know what? I think we should start soliciting some more, because I really enjoyed that. It was moving. This is a special Thursday episode, like we mentioned before. We're answering all questions. We usually get emails with a little bit more in-depth problems that we try to solve.

Yeah, sometimes, to be honest, they're a little bit too in-depth. So we're going to take to Twitter for this one. Yeah, we are looking at questions that were tweeted to us with the hashtag toughandtender, because that's what ballpark flame grilled jerky is. And we're going to do our best to answer as many as we can in the next let's say 45 minutes. But before we get into that, what do you think

of my voice? What do you think of my new voice, I should say? I think it is hoarse. I think it is coarse. And I think you are going to listen to this episode and feel a little bit You're sick, I think I'm not sick you're ill I know absolutely I hear you hacking coughing yeah going like Yeah all the time. Yeah. Well, what am I supposed to do? What how else can I get the diseases out of me? I well, I would to be honest, I would think that hacking that way

must irritate your throat a little bit. Oh, like I should just swallow it? Yeah, but no, I don't know, because I would do the same thing. I'm very thankful I'm not in your shoes. My diseases always work the same way, which is I feel a little dryness in the back of my throat.

That's day negative one. And right off the bat, it's very meaningless, but I know. You know when it's very meaningless, but I know. You know when it's coming, right? I know what the next four days will be like. Yeah. A little dryness.

I seem fine. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I just know what's going to happen. Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard you lose your voice this badly, though. Well, because what happens next is a sore throat. Then that goes away, and it goes into my nose. And then when that goes away, I get the last little bit of irritation. We had an unhealthy week.

I poisoned my body. And I do deserve this. The question is, why didn't you get this? You deserve it too. I will be sick. I'm going to a wedding in Mexico tomorrow. It's going to be lovely. I will get sick tonight. and I'll be sick the entire weekend. Okay. Thank you. That would really mean a lot to me. Of course. Of course. Because I would hate for me to be the only sick person. I know. It's very hard to track sickness. Like, I don't know if I've ever been sick when you were, you were, when I. I feel like the way you get sick, although people are contagious, it's never like the most obvious route. Right.

Like, I don't think I'll get you sick sick i guess there are like different strains of cold and sickness and like maybe i will miss this one or maybe i don't know i don't know how fucking medicine works right you know it is it's uh it's gonna happen um because i like touch stuff and then i pick my nose that's the way i get sick of it right well oh i think so yeah that's why you just you gotta always wash your hands yeah i gotta wash my hands more often yeah that's when we go climbing sometimes and if i i like you oh god you gotta really thoroughly wash your hands i've gotten sick at the gym like because you're holding stuff that like everybody's sweating on and then afterwards we're just doing like push-ups on the sweaty ass floor. And then you're like,

oh, okay, can I get a muscle milk? And then you take off the top and then there you go, just sucking. You're sucking sweat and chalk and dust. What we do afterwards, seemingly even worse, is we will crawl to the rib place.

We'll crawl on our hands and feet. We'll go around the entire way. So we'll rub this little trail. Then I get to the place. yeah we'll crawl on our hands licking the ground the entire way exactly so we'll we'll rub this little trail right then i get to the place my hands are just covered in soot yeah absolutely caked in this this asphalt and i start eating the ribs and it's sloppy and i'm licking my fingers and oh so good and then you but then you start to feel a little ill you go to the bathroom you you vomit yeah and then you look and you're like that's a waste of money right and then you'll scoop i'll scoop the vomit the vomit yeah right right back into your yeah i'm taking a ladle and i'm putting it into a dick right but you don't want to eat it because it's disgusting so you're putting it into your urethra of course you have a little funnel

that you've heard of butt chugging this is dick saggingging. So I'm like Mork and Mindy when he puts his finger into the glass and the water goes down. Now that's tough, but it's also a little tender. And I think that's why I got the cold. But we'll do our best. So right off the bat, you guys know that we're real deals. We're smart dudes. So let's try to answer some Twitter questions. Okay.

I'll still give these people fake names, or at the very least, I won't say who's asking them, just to keep them slightly anonymous. Great. First question, right off the bat. Are you ready? Yeah. Should I embrace the inevitable and already happening baldness and shave my head, or are there secrets to hair growth? Hashtag tough and tender.

That's a tough problem. And it's tender because the bald spots on your head are probably getting burnt by the sun. Absolutely. Next question. Will you just explain why it's tough and tender um well i guess i know people who like have thinner hair and i think the cool look is to shave it grow a beard if you can so shaved head uh beard yeah and then glasses there yeah that's pretty cool that's a cool look i think

it depends on the degree of baldness if you have like basically a yarmulke on the back of your head of just skin yeah then i would that then yeah it's better to shave than do a comb over right the worst is that you can is you trying to hide it yeah i think that i think you have to you have to come out ahead right pun intended can't be you cannot be shy think about like i think maybe even college humor did this at one point like they photoshopped uh vin diesel's actual hair onto his head on like all of his role like he looks so badass yeah but what is he really he's just like he's a guy with male pattern baldness so here's what you do you work out you dedicate your life to eating well and working out for, let's say, six months.

You have to look too strong to grow hair. Yeah. Like The Rock. So that way you look better just because you've been working out and eating well. It is going to suck for six months. So what? You don't have cereal and cake and pizza. It's six months.

But how do people describe The Rock? Do people say, oh, yeah, he's like that bald guy? No. Or do bald guy no you say no oh he's the most jacked guy in the world yeah and then also he's charming and has a good oh is he bald i didn't even know i didn't even know yeah you want it you want to you want to be such a physical specimen or at the very least uh improve yourself a little bit that way people like oh you look good so right now you might be not in that great of a shape your hair is thinning maybe pale a little right so they're like oh your hair is thinning like no i don't have any hair yeah and it's all gone and feel my muscle yeah oh i actually tweeted this at the rock but do you think he ever gets a cold can you imagine the rock did he ever respond no i i said i'm like do you ever get a cold i can't imagine you sneezing what is

the rock like when he gets the sniffles what is the rock like when he takes nyquil and then he feels groggy in the morning when he wakes up yeah the rock at his sickest is still better than you at your like peak physical yeah yeah but he must at the same time he must get like the flu or a cold or something right i don't know he's not immune although if you do keep your body in a great and like what happens when he hurts himself you know like the other day i sort of twisted my ankle coming up the stairs yeah i was like ow that was dumb yeah he likes does he ever feel like his toe yeah if he stubs his toe or shuts his finger in a drawer like if he can't gets pinched for a second yeah like oh does he shake it or is he just like that was nothing to me right do you think he's ever said oh yeah like if he burned his hand on ah do you think he's ever just like had tea that was a little too hot oh yeah like opened popcorn

in the steam this is sort of like matt damon actually talking about it but it's all physical stuff yeah i don't think i didn't there was this video of the rock who like broke his finger remember he had like he's like i have to do this stunt for this movie he's like live streaming he's like and look what happened to my pinky and he pans down and his pinky's like in a right angle jesus but i said pop that son of a bitch back into place we got a we got a movie to shoot god he's cool uh so the answer is no he doesn't ever stub his toe. Do you ever get nervous, Rock? Yeah, does he ever get the, like if he had to host the Oscars, would he get nerves? I don't know, he seems like he's too charming.

He's the most electrifying man in all of entertainment today, frankly. So embrace it, shave it, improve other parts of your body. Yeah, look, there's got to be some other bald like superstars that you can look up to namely the rock just like embody that the thing is it will look um looks it looks a little daunting at first a little different at first but then people get used to it yeah every new haircut is is like like even though a haircut that i got the short on the sides thing looked extreme for the first couple times yeah then you unpack and I got the short on the sides thing looked extreme for the first couple of times. Yeah.

Then you unpack and you got a one on the sides. You're like, it's not short enough. Right now I have to go shorter. Maybe I'll shave my head too. That'd be cool. Have you ever gotten a buzz cut? Uh,

not since I was in like high school. You busted in high school. Yeah. In high school I shaved my head. What about your Mohawk? Yeah. I had a Mohawk. That was chill.

That was like three weeks ago. Yeah. Are you done with the mohawk? I don't know. I kind of... I think I like... What am I trying to say? I like the mohawk, but not as severe as it was on the sides in the back. Like, I basically want a mullet, I think.

Oh. Like, shaved on the sides, fading into a mullet. Then you want... The mullet is like actual hair that grows from the bottom-most point of the mohawk down onto your neck. Well, yeah, I don't want that. But I want the back of my hair to be as long as the top of my head right now. And then just the sides shaved, I think.

Right. So, like, before there was a mohawk, there was like maybe two inches in on each side on the back of my head. And I don't want that anymore. I just want the sides gone back, back normal. And I have no idea if what I'm asking for that, if that's like an average haircut or if they're like, what the fuck is this guy talking?

It's definitely not average. But the question is, is it cool? Yeah. I don't know. It's not born even for me trying to be cool. Like I did this- Well, where did you get this idea from?

Basically, because I saw the back of my head when I had the shaved sides all around and it looked like I was wearing like a dumb little hat of hair. And I was like, I think I want hair on the back of my head. I don't care about it on the sides. I think shaving the side looks cool.

Interesting. But on the back, I'm like, i think i like having hair back there so that's it and then uh you told me i looked like a french soccer player when i got the mohawk so i was like that's kind of what i'm going for yeah soccer players have the coolest haircuts yeah isn't i was talking about this yesterday like if we're talking like soccer players and basketball players have like really cool style haircut. And then baseball is just like the coolest thing you have in baseball is a goatee. Yeah. Why is that?

I don't know. But it's like the worst fashioned sport there is, I think. I guess because it's like, well, think of the people that play baseball. They're a little bit more like old fashioned. They're not like, they're not like, it's not a cool stylish sport yeah you don't say like yeah they don't even wear like um performance hats like the hats that they wear in baseball i guess they're like to keep the sun out of your eyes but like really they're not like it's not like wearing a helmet or anything and the pants are baggy and you wear a belt yeah baggy pants belt hat how can you baggy shirt yeah and then

then you go like after football soccer basketball like there's at the press conferences it's basketball especially people just look fucking dope you know like the glasses the suits yeah and then i feel like basketball is almost like about fashion in a way. Right. Like basketball shoes are like fucking dope. What are the new Jordans, the LeBrons, whatever, you know? Yeah. Nobody's like, who's got the newest cleats? Yeah. How about the Derek Jeter t-shirt?

He fucking sponsors a Ford Escape. Yeah. How cool is Derek Jeter? Are there even like hot baseball players? Yeah. I don't know. Derek Jeter was like the hottest one for a long time. And he's not even that hot. He's a's a seven yeah he's a baseball 10 sure but he couldn't he

couldn't get with girls if he was in the nba i don't think yeah i don't know if they're hot baseball player i guess there are but even like odell beckham and football has like the the big like the puffy yellow afro thing yeah Yeah, in football there's a lot of really dope dreads coming out of helmets and there's a lot of dudes with long hairs. It's pretty cool. I think maybe it's just because baseball is filled with white people and white people are inherently not as stylish.

Right, yeah. That's fair. Can you imagine Ryan Sandberg just wearing what Russell Westbrook wears out. Jason Veritek. Just wearing a nice form-fitted suit.

With big red glasses. Jason Veritek definitely gets sick. All right, another question. Hashtag tough and tender. How do you start to get over a long-term relationship? I mean like step one. Towards over a long-term relationship i mean like step one towards getting a long-term relationship to get over one oh to get over one yeah see i this is another thing that's like um you have to embrace it the same way that that dude's about to embrace his bald head you have to be like what are the things that i didn't get in my long-term relationship right

right so like a shit ton of me time right off the bat you were like i love the idea of self-improvement after a long relationship because i think the instinct is like to binge drink and like right not take care of yourself and like wallow in your depression and look worse yeah definitely find comfort in like laziness and junk food and stuff but i love the idea of just being like i am going to kick myself into shape didn't we we talked about like yeah just improving yourself getting into good shape taking care of yourself going out there meeting friends right which is extra cool if you got dumped yeah then it's like look how much better I am now.

And it's kind of a dick move. You dump somebody and then you become really hot and better. Because then it's like, wait, why did you wait to dump me before you did that? Well, sometimes when someone dumps somebody, it's because they're miserable in the relationship and they have to get out of it. So they're sad. It's like a whole sad ordeal. Right.

And exercising and stuff is a good way, one, to feel better because it's like it's a natural high. And two, you'll have extra time to do it because you're no longer in a long-term relationship, which as you know, is a little bit of a responsibility and time commitment. Yeah, exactly.

And now you're going to look good too. If you're in a long-term relationship, that's like three to six hours a day. That's sort of lifted now. It's gone. That you're gonna look good too if you're in a long-term relationship that's like three to six hours a day that's sort of lifted now it's gone that you're you're not texting you're not emailing you're not eating meals you're not sleeping with which is obviously some good some bad but at the very least you'll have more free time on your hands that's what you like don't think about as loneliness think about it as freedom oh shit like i'm lonely no i am free now i'm horny man yeah man yeah i'm horny dude i ain't lonely shit i'm horny uh we were talking about leading an exercise class not necessarily leading one but being a part of one yeah like some sort of like um michelle obama-esque uh fitness promoting i am

the first lady of if i were you uh so yeah we should do that this is just this is sort of planting the seed out there to see if people would be into it but if we had like i just want michelle obama arms i'm serious yeah long and lean and like so toned dude i think you're actually slut shaming her right now what all you care about is her body and not what she's actually doing with no yeah because i'm like talking about how like how cool of a person she is and you're saying you're talking about her physical appearing no her you don't talk because now you're mansplaining at me i'm not saying you are mansplaining can i mansplain something to you for a second?

Sure. You don't, no, okay. Don't even say sure, because even that's... You're... That's enough. Okay, I'm not saying... No, don't even say anything. Dear God, man.

That's awesome. Should we get to the next question? Before we do that, we should rent out a and uh have everybody come and do a workout well like a crossfit i don't know because i don't like crossfit oh shit i don't want to offend anybody that takes crossfit no because they get all kicked by the shit out of me they're all stronger than me but i don't like the idea of uh leading a shitload of people in crossfit because it's a great way for all of our uh friends to get injured but you do like the idea of a minimalist gym yeah i do just some nice simple exercises that people can do at home right so

you're talking about doing like a podcast where it's an exercise or like actually i don't even know if we should do a podcast just like a straight up meetup where like we get a cool fitness instructor to lead everybody in a class oh and then like hey we could tweet about it or we could facebook about it and we could Facebook about it. And then we go there and who knows, maybe like a couple dozen people show up and do some exercise with us and that'll make everyone feel good.

Yeah, that's nice. And then maybe we can start charging cash for it. Yeah, and if any chicks show up, then we can screw them. Yeah. Yeah, dude. So we get to get screwed and we get money. I'm lonely.

I'm horny. I am scared. I'm lonely. I'm horny. I am scared. I am deaf. I am coy. Do men ever notice manicured nails? Or am I spending my money on female validation? That was from Jeff Rosenberg. Hum?

Is it really? No. Oh. Do men notice manicured nails? Oh, Dave got a manicure. Yeah. Is that really? No. Oh. Do men notice manicured nails? Oh, Dave got a manicure. Yeah. Is that why? That's maybe why I thought of it.

Yeah, Dave got a straight up manicure last time. He doesn't take care of any, like he had lost his wallet, but he had perfectly manicured nails. Yeah. If your wallet is a cigarette pack, maybe you should invest in a wallet, not a manicure. Yeah, dude, for real. Buy a loofah. i wouldn't have noticed i actually recently did buy a loofah oh really yeah well not a loofah a natural sponge uh any whom it is it is made out of recycled coral from the great barrier reef uh i don't think i would notice manicured nails. Is it something that makes the owner of the manicure feel really good?

I mean, I take care of my nails, and I feel like that's pretty good. Yeah, I think the goal of a manicure is not to get guys' attention, I don't think. I think it's to feel better about yourself. Wait, a girl asked that question? Yeah, a girl. She said, oh, sorry, I didn't know. I thought it was a guy saying, is it okay if I manicure my nails? Oh, no, no, it was a girl saying, I'm spending money on manicures. Do guys even notice? Oh, yeah, sorry, I didn't know. I thought it was like a guy saying, is it okay if I manicure my nails? Oh, no, no.

It was like a girl saying, I'm spending money on manicures. Like, do guys even notice? Oh, yeah, certainly not. At least I don't at all. I mean, guys barely even notice haircuts, which are so much more drastic. Yeah. Manicured nails is like such a small portion of the female anatomy. But to me, I think a lot of that maintenance stuff is about the person

having it. You get a new haircut and you get your nails done and you're like, oh, I feel good. I feel confident. If it's making you feel good, then that's great. If you feel shitty and you're only doing it for guys' attention, then don't

because that's fine. There's better ways to spend your money if you want to get a guy's attention right like you can buy a hockey jersey and then wear a hockey jersey yeah or like yeah or if i saw a girl in like a boston red socks hat even though i hate the red socks yeah i would be like this girl likes baseball i love baseball like a worn boston red socks hat like it's sort of like a faded denim. Right, right. It's like a faded blue denim.

This is the second time we're talking about Boston Red Sox. It's Jason Veritek's daughter. All right. Next question. I have a passive-aggressive roommate who won't tell me what bothers her. How do I make it to the end of our lease? Oh, wait. Sorry, say that again again i have a passive

aggressive roommate who won't tell me what bothers her how do i make it to the end of our lease how long is the lease let's say seven more months i love it yeah oh man now that's really tough can you move out can't you move out you can always move out it's less serious of a breakup because like what you hate your roommate what happens if you move out the roommate hates you like oh good you don't live there anymore it's not that big of a deal and i think it's not a big deal to break up with a roommate because like you don't get along and worst case i guess like it's sometimes tough if it's like a friend of yours that you moved in with. Right. What you do is you find a better place, and that gives you an excuse to leave.

You say, look, I'd love to stay. I love how you don't tell me the shit that bothers you. I love that. Yeah, it's great. You're so quiet. You get quietly angry, and then I ask you if anything's wrong, and you say it's fine quickly and walk away. But then the other day I came home, and there were a bunch of dirty dishes on my bed yeah i feel like stuff is getting to you but i did find this awesome apartment so i'm gonna look for somebody to replace me right here you just give a ton of heads up you're like i am like i i'm moving out for whatever white

lie you want to tell like whatever reason you got a great deal on a place or you got a you are in a relationship you're going to move out and then you say i'll i'll deal with yeah replacing me that's all that matters fake relationship you say i'm going on a date tonight with rory and then you come back you're like i actually eloped with rory yeah me and rory went so well that rory and i are already thinking of moving in together yeah Yeah, and he has a fucking amazing deal on a two-bedroom loft and I'm going to move in with him. And I'll find somebody to replace me

and I'll pay the rent until I do. And there you go. And maybe your roommate will be like, you know what? I want to be in charge of finding your replacement because I want to be sure that I can get along with them because as you know, I'm very passive-aggressive. Yeah, that way you leave, and then whether she's mad at you or not, it doesn't matter. The thing is, if you're noticing a lot of passive-aggressive behavior,

there's a chance that your roommate also hates you. So if you're like, I want to move out, they're like, oh, dope. Yeah, awesome. The problem maybe arises if you're like, I don't like my roommate, but I want to make him or her leave and I want to stay. But I think if that's the case, you can't unless you've found the place. Yeah. It's hard to do the force over.

Like if you're driving fast on a highway, you get really close to the car in front of you and they move out of your way. Right. I don't know what the real estate equivalent to that is. Yeah. I don't know. Just like, well, you could turn your apartment into like a drug den, get it to the point where the roommate wants to move out. Yeah, maybe Rory moves in.

Yeah, that's a good idea. So Rory's just always around. Yeah, Rory overstays his welcome often. He does. And honestly, Fish and Rory start stinking after three days. You know how sometimes you like hock a loogie into your bathroom sink? Rory does that in the kitchen sink.

Yeah, and then sometimes he'll do that does that in the kitchen sink. Yeah. And then sometimes he'll do that like not even in a sink. Right. Just on the floor. Or into a bowl. The other day I saw Rory say like, who? Rory came out of the bathroom and he was like, there's no more toilet paper. And I was like, I'll pick some up, Rory.

And then he walked over, grabbed a roll of paper towel. Rory did it. And he, instead of taking it back into the bathroom, he just wadded it up. Rory, dude. He wiped his ass in the kitchen. Rory's ass. Yeah.

Follow along. I am. And Rory, then he picked up the paper towel. Who did? Rory. Tossed it out. Wow. In the garbage.

Who did that? Forget it, dude. What? Forget it, man. Who did it to that? How could you forget it? You know what else I saw rory do what rory it's like who's on first but with rory what did you see who do that rory did it rory did what

rory was like he he he he was he he he yeah he like who is he in this scenario rory rory rory is sitting on the freaking remote during the big game yeah and the channel channel would change and then what do you say to who was it again rory rory what would you say to rory you gotta start sitting on the remote and he's like what'd you call him rory i didn't hear that rory did it yeah so then rory and then he would he would have his own remote. That's insane. Rory. Rory would.

Just a classic Rory. Such a Rory. He's a classic Rory. How do you feel about girls with PhD, not a medical doctor? Huh? How do you feel about girls with a PhD, i guess a doctorate degree but not a medical doctor oh uh neutral oh it doesn't turn you on or off it's just fine i guess if i met somebody that had a phd or like you know they were extra smart i would be like a little turned on and be

like well that's really cool you uh tell me more about that yeah i'd be way into it like if i was dating a doctor of anything even if doctors like that right uh prescriptions yeah i don't think you're focusing on the right thing like if she can get me xanax that would be right yeah no i'm talking about a girl who like dedicated 12 12 years of her life to getting so she could get me economics huh yeah yeah so it's not necessary or history right right but i mean like still then that means she could get no i don't think I don't think professors can get you Ambien. She could get Ritalin. No, yeah, I don't think so.

Really? I don't think that's, I think you have to be an MD to get that. Like Adderall, that would be fucking. Right. She doesn't get me that? Who? I would, Rory. I'd be down to date either a doctor or a girl with, like, a drug connect that drug connect that could get us Adderall.

And which one do you prefer? Connect. So if I can date a history professor or a drug dealer. Anybody with that connect. Yeah. The connect four. We should take a break.

There is no break, man. This is all sponsored by the same goddamn thing. Oh shit, there's no break? We could take a break and think one more time ballpark flame grilled jerky gracias uh but we don't have to take it we don't have to stop i mean we could take like a really like a kind of like an emotional respite from maybe talk about our shows or something like that yeah maybe let's talk about the shows just we do have five epic shows coming up. I'm very excited about these shows. Two in November. No, four in October? Four in December.

Yeah. Four in December. Two in November. Four in December. Three in November. Three? Oh, my God. We have seven shows coming up.

Yeah, in the next two months. Is that too many shows? Perhaps. First one is Wednesday, November 11th. Wednesday is November? No, I think Wednesday is November. Yeah, because Friday is the 13th. Oh, okay. Oh, no. So, Tuesday, November 11th. Wednesday is November? No, I think Wednesday is November... Yeah, because Friday is the 13th. Oh, okay.

Oh, no, so Tuesday, November 10th, we're at Muhlenberg College. Muhlenberg. Muhlenberg College. I'll get it right once we get there. Allentown, what up? This is my homecoming show. Really?

Well, in a way. I went to school in Bethlehem for a year, so... Yeah, so this is a very... My triumphant return to the steel town. It's a very thin homecoming. lived in bethlehem for eight months uh and then the next day we're gonna be in or wait maybe allentown's coal i don't know i'll figure it out by the time i get there uh wednesday is our show in philadelphia yeah wednesday philly show that'll be a fun one at the helium comedy club we have not been

to philadelphia in like two years. Yeah. And then Thursday, November 12th. We've never done a live podcast in Philadelphia. No. Thursday, that's our true homecoming show. That's the Brooklyn show. That's the one that's almost sold out. Dude, that's not even fucking, like, that's not even just New York City.

You know, that's Brooklyn. And that's not just Brooklyn. It's Williamsburg. We're going back to the hometown. Yeah, that's the epicenter. Oh, I love love it my glasses are getting bigger already just thinking about it i yeah i'm nervous about what's gonna happen after that show i will you think i'm sick now yeah dude i want to be come find me on friday i want to be

in a goddamn fucking helicopter lamar odom style just being airlifted pumped you know he only got airlifted to get pumped with more herbal viagra really that was the emergency that was the helicopter wasn't enough thank god he survived so we can make these jokes i mean we probably shouldn't make him either way right of course but if you're not laughing at yeah honestly you have to laugh at it we have to make jokes like we have to laugh yeah yeah actually not all the time right no we're just assholes. You don't have to laugh. And then what about our December Northwest tour? Yeah, that's going to be the real shit.

That's starting in December 2nd. We're starting in San Francisco, working our way up. San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver. Yeah, that's the second. December 2nd in San Francisco, 4th Portland, fifth in Seattle, sixth in Vancouver. Vancouver is kicking ass. We have never been to Vancouver and those shows are almost sold out. Yeah.

That's like a, it's selling at like four times the rate of the other shows. It's amazing. Canada's fucking bringing it. I cannot wait. I think we're bigger in Canada. We should move there. Are we hockey of ourselves? Are we hotline bling?

Am I a maple man? Because our shows. I I a maple man? Because our shows in Montreal, Toronto, and now Vancouver are outselling all the shows in America. Yeah. Man, I can't wait for the... I love the Pacific Northwest. I really do. It has it all. It has rain.

It has wood. It's green. It's mountainous. Everybody's friendly. Things are fucking hip there. i think of green i think of gray absolutely just fog well the summers are very lovely absolutely uh so those are the big shows we have coming up tickets for all of them available at if i were you show.com or jakeandamir.com i should should really redo the Jake and Amir website. Right.

We have to do that. That's the next big project, dog. Thanks, man. Now that we got that HeadGum sign up. We finally did it. Or Marty's dad did it. Well, still. Yep.

All right. Do you have more, do you have time for more questions? What are we doing on time? Oh, 35 minutes-ish. All right, let's do it. All right. Has there ever been a fan theory

better than your original intent? And what's the punchline to your favorite joke? Hmm. I liked one of the fan theories that I only existed in your brain. Yeah, I remember that one. That was like a Jake and Amir fan theory. That was one we considered embracing,

but then it was a little too tough to shoehorn it in since we didn't enter the series with that. Right. It was tough and also tender. Yeah, it was a little bit tender. We did that Halloween episode that was like that. Yeah, that's true. Where we made it seem like I had died three years ago

and you were talking to me. Right. And you were, quote unquote, annoyed with me, but it was actually nobody there. Yeah. But then it turns out I was just actually there. Do you have a punchline to your favorite joke? You think it means Jake and Amir joke or any joke?

Any joke in general? Any joke will do? I mean, I can't think of this type of thing off the top of my head. Didn't you once memorize a joke for when people asked you? Yeah, I did. Do you remember the joke? It's a little off color uh and this isn't the place for it wasn't it about no i could it's

um it was a it's a pedophile joke oh that's okay yeah this is a safe space so this is guys it's a little off color but if we have to laugh about it we really have to laugh to laugh yeah so it is i believe it's something along the lines of my good friend jessica came up to me the other day and she was jessica i'm not gonna tell the joke uh she came up to me and she was just appalled really she was yeah she there's something going on and i was like jessica what's the matter she said i just found out that um that two out of every 10 families lives next door to a pedophile. And I said, geez, that's really bothersome. But thankfully, that's not the case with me.

I live next door to two smoking hot 10-year-olds. I told that joke to a bunch of strangers in an elevator once. And? Deafening applause. Really? They loved it. They ate it right up up what about the one about the bus oh the bus is another good one um so i was um i heard a story from um oh here this is what it is okay so i was riding the back of i was riding the bus and a woman got on and uh the bus driver says to the lady,

Hey, lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. And she comes, she sits down next to me. She's appalled. She's just, frankly, you know. Yeah, a lot of the people in your stories are appalled. Yeah, she was appalled. And I said, Man, what's the bother? What's the matter?

And she said, That bus driver just insulted me. And I said, Hey, you don't take shit from anybody you go up you go up there and you tell the bus driver off here i'll hold your monkey that's funny classic yeah um there's another one that i heard about a pedophile actually last time i told the pedophile jokes yeah a guy these are all jokes i like stole from reddit by the way i mean all jokes are jokes that you steal so um this one i thought was really funny there's like a pedophile walks into the woods with the kid and the kid says hey mister i'm really scared and the guy says oh you're scared how do you think i feel i have to walk out of here alone that one's quicker and it's funny yeah that means he killed the kid right yeah well i mean like you know that he like fucks the kid and then just spins away i mean it's not funny but we have to

laugh we really have to laugh at the idea otherwise i don't feel like that's what every comedian wishes people would embrace yeah you have to laugh yeah we just have to laugh just because we're laughing just because i made a weird joke doesn't mean we don't have to laugh. This is a tough and tender thing that we should talk about. Oh, good thing you wrote it down. That's why I did it, because we missed for the last three or four weeks. It's the official end. Yeah.

What do you think? It is coming to a close. TextJake.com is, we're going to shutter the business. It's been around for over a year, right? Is it over a year? I think so. That makes me happy. So for the last year plus, Jake has been receiving text messages from you guys and offering his advice on what you should respond.

Yeah. And we've gotten thousands. I believe you should respond. Yeah. And we've gotten thousands. I believe it's thousands. Yeah. And every time I thought about shutting it down before, because it would sometimes get a little overwhelming, some texts would come in and I would be like, wow, this person really did need a little help.

And there have been a couple instances where some guys said that they've sent the text and the girls said they've sent the text and they've gotten laid. So that's been that's made me feel really good. You've helped people have sex with each other. Yeah, I've helped people have sex. I've helped people break up.

I've helped people fire their housekeeper. Yep. Just be kinder, be better. And you also I feel like this is a crash course in human psychology you've gotten you've gotten an intimate look into thousands of people's phones uh and their conversations with uh them trying to impress another human it's crazy how different everybody is so what what do you what what have you learned what have you gleaned from this i feel like one of the general rules has been if the person thinks they um they're like i don't want to come on too strong or like i don't know if this person likes me but i maybe want to ask them out

like if they're that sort of self-aware and humble yeah almost like at least 90 of the time i've been like this is going great like fire like go for it go for it like ask her out ask him out like it's usually going better than they think and then the texts that are like i just want to fuck this girl so like i'm really cool what do i say and then there's like four texts to that girl where she hasn't responded with a question mark or even at all right i'm like i've definitely told people that have huge egos like this is going bad how do the huge egos get such a huge ego and how do the how do the humble people get so humble i don't understand i think it's just like you're born with it i don't think

that it's like people have like earned these huge egos they're just like they have huge egos and that's probably turning people off to them you want to hear my theory yeah it's how attractive you were in high school and junior high i see so like i feel like i'm very humble because i wasn't like a hot teenager right so i was like ingrained to me to feel bad about myself self-deprecating yeah so like when i'm talking to somebody and it's like going somewhat well like oh she's not interested in me yeah because i've i was i i i'm hardwired to think that it's interesting because like in a way i wouldn't even advise you to be more confident.

You'd probably be like a little bit more confident, right? Just like to actually like take charge and ask people out on occasion or whatever. But most of the time I think overconfidence is like bad, not very attractive to anybody. Right. It borderline on cockiness.

Yeah. So it's hard to, it's hard to be humble and then also confident at the same time. It's true. So what's the plan? Can people no longer buy texts? I think we should do one more week because we announced it right now, right?

Yeah, so this will be on Thursday, October 22nd. How about on Monday? So we'll do one more podcast announcing it. And Monday will be the last day to buy texts. Monday, October 26th. Yeah. So you can use them in the future and I'll answer them. Yeah. If you purchase

texts, Jake will still fulfill that promise to you. No more texts for sale after Monday. But we'll still serve the texts that have been sold. Got it. So if you have your ticket, or if you haven't, get it now. Because your window of opportunity is closing.

And then by Monday, it'll be shut forever. Yeah. End of an era. It was a good time, though. A solid year. Yeah. And we probably made close to $6 a half seven million dollars it's interesting just like capitalizing on humans like that yeah well what we did was like monetize your skills so

for example if you were a basketball player you could have made that money easily yeah if you were a carpenter i'm sure you could have built enough tables to make seven million dollars i know we took all the money and we invested it hard in some really risky stocks. Very, not even blue chips. A lot of day trading. Penny stocks, really. And we lost it, mostly all. Yeah. And what we're left with is...

We took the small profit, the meager profit, to Vegas. We said, let it ride. Let it ride on 22 black, baby. And we lasted four spins. Amazing. Yeah. Like, 22 black hit three times in a row.

And we just kept feeling the flow. Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride. By the end, we were up, I mean... Probably $40, $50 million. And then we said, let it ride one more time. Because if we hit, then we never have to worry about a thing in our lives. Yeah, for generations, I feel like. Yeah.

And it hit. It hit. And then we cashed out. And we took that bag of cash. And we fell asleep. And when we woke up, it was asshole gone. I know. It was just butt gone.

We fell asleep on the fucking... Cash. On a mound of cash. In the center of the MGM. Yeah. Absurd. Who stole that? Like by the bell desk.

Who stole that from under our nose? What's up? Why did we fall asleep with it? Like we curled up on it like two weird cats. Yeah. Playing in our money hay. Yeah. Our money stack.

And now that money's gone. Gone diddly on. Unfair, uncouth, ungood. Unkind. One last question. Sure. Then you really have to go. Yeah, I have to pee, actually.

At which point should you talk to the person you're dating about whether they're still on tinder or bumble at what point at which point should you talk to the person you're dating about whether they're still on tinder so let's say i meet someone on tinder or bumble we haven't even spoken about bumble on our show yeah bumble's a good one i like bumble a lot bumble might have surpassed tinder yeah for sure bumble is uh it's like tinder with the wrinkle of girls have to message guys first and if they don't message a guy within 24 hours the match disappears it's amazing so i said it's like bumble is like tinder but for people that know about bumble yeah so it's like a little a little more people your style

right people that listen to podcasts yeah that's true so it's also a little a little more people your style right people that listen to podcasts yeah that's true so it's also like if you haven't easier for women to join that because there's so many less well there's less creeps because you don't have to yeah i don't know the creeps have sort of like a hurdle you have to like them at first and you have to message them yeah girls have to message guys so uh i wouldn't ask at all never probably not when do you delete it yourself um the problem with deleting it is like in the back of the guy's mind they're like there's no greater feeling than leaving one of these dating apps just dormant running in the background from when you are single yeah because then you just got that that whole like month or

two of swipes just wet like building up that's interesting you don't want like for a guy to get rid of that it's almost like he should wait until he's engaged that's like that's when he truly knows that he's not going to be single again for a while well i think when you really care about somebody you probably stop caring about the swipes adding up right so when you stop caring about that then delete it right but it is it's a tough one to get rid of um but then you don't want to be like in a six-month relationship and then have the girl be like hey my friend found you on tinder yeah so i mean i would i guess probably like before a month is up

one you've had if i mean if you've had an exclusivity talk then you shouldn't be on tinder right but you don't have to inquire that's, at which point do you have to talk to someone about if they're cheating on you or not? I think, I wouldn't say like, are you still on Tinder? Are you still on, but like,

I would just say, maybe as casually as you possibly can, like, I deleted Tinder or something. Like, it was a big moment. Like, I don't know,

be fucking cool about it, but you just let them know that you deleted it without any expectation of, did you delete it or whatever. Right. And then maybe they'll volunteer that information maybe they'll say i deleted it two weeks ago you asshole yeah yeah that's why it's better to not bring it up and when you feel comfortable delete it yourself assume that the person you're dating is not also actively on it trying to meet other people i think that's just like a pretty standard

uh an implicit agreement between guy and girl yeah um these questions truly were tough and tender absolutely uh thanks for everybody who tweeted at us uh we'll be back on monday with more uh regularly scheduled questions uh those can be emailed to us at if i were you show at gmail.com thanks one last time time to Ballpark Flame Grilled Jerky for sponsoring this bonus episode. For real. Tough and tender jerky in a variety of flavors. Gluten-free, no added MSG,

no artificial flavors and colors. If you're in the supermarket, check it out. I can tell you from personal experience that it is actually delicious. The opening theme song, again, was written by Amanda and Chris. This closing one was by Tony. It's a Stoney parody, a parody of the one that Stoney made for us back in the day. Hey, a pair of Stoney.

Nice dude. Thanks. Thanks to Jake. Thanks to Rory. Thanks to all you guys for calling in. Who? I'll be back on Monday with an even worse voice, if you can imagine. Wow.

Hashtag sexy voice. We're out. Listen up, everybody. This is what I'd do if I were you. If I were you. Listen up, everybody. This is what I'd do if I were you. If I were Jake and Amir.

Need a name to preserve your anonymity. Absolutely. I have July 13th that's good that's good even better listen up everybody this is what I'd do if I were you if I were you listen up everybody no this is what I'd do if I were you if I were Jake and Amir need a name to reserve your anonymity absolutely I have I am July Lusky. That's good, that's good. 1991.

Mmm, even better.