Segments - 181: Flying Bull (live at the Irvine Improv!)

Episode Date: October 26, 2015

In this episode we discuss scary questions, terrible jobs, and solar decathlons. Plus a call from a friend. All live at the Irvine Improv in Irvine, CA! This episode is brought to you by ClubW, BlueApron, and Ball Park Flame Grilled Jerky. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Amir likes taking shits. You guys like taking shits? Why is it when you're taking shits, sometimes you gotta wipe, sometimes you don't? You look blue. What is that? 20 seconds, first thing out of your mouth. I wanna try stand-up for once. Alright, yeah, go for it. Give me a theme.

You set it up. Shits, yeah, that sounds perfect. I already did shits. I loved it. Alright, alright. Amir's gonna do stand-up for the first, improvised stand-up. Yeah.

Give him a one-word suggestion. Yeah. Noodle? Noodle? Did I say noodle? Did you say noodle, or does he have, like, a ton of stuff prepared on noodles? All right. What is it?

Poodle. Poodle. Oh, like poo-poo. Oh. I already did that. I already did the poo-poo joke. joke we'll do noodle actually noodle yeah all right what's the deal with noodles oh that's amazing yeah like what so okay so uh so because of the shape of it it's a different world for it well i'm not done yet all right uh so let's okay so the fusilli is... What about the noodle? You don't have to ask.

I'm really excited to see the stand-up. I'm going to get there and I'm going to tell you. All right. Jesus. So, okay, so like bread is bread. I know, because I wasn't... That was just the setup. All right, but we're here to do a podcast.

What? Yeah. Who here likes podcasts? Yeah. Who here likes podcasts? Good. Who here doesn't even know what podcasts are? There's a table here that looks... Are you guys on a company retreat? I feel I have to...

I apologize for who brought you here. For what's about to happen. I feel bad for you. For instance, do you guys know who Crandis is? No, no. What they don't. That's so in. That's so inside.

Do you know? Do you guys? Why are you? I'm sorry. I have to apologize on behalf of the company that brought you here and was like, I guess they threw a dart at a board of comedy shows and as luck would have it, it landed on the wrong one. That was close, right? Where do you guys work?

What's your job? The company is Flying Bull. Flying Bull. Flying, what does it do? I want to know. Like, what would your guest be for Flying Bull? I think they're into, like, cattle transport. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So, like, a modern-day cowboy, but at 36,000 feet. Uh-huh. Bull. I think they're into like cattle transport. Oh yeah. Yeah. So like a modern day cowboy but at 36,000 feet. Yeah. So they'll herd cows. I was gonna guess energy drink and Red Bull should sue you because it's so

similar. What does Flying Bull actually do? We are producing an event called the Solar to Cat World. Whoa. Cool. So it helps the environment. Now you feel like a real asshole. Well, I hope you guys enjoy tonight.

I know my parents wouldn't be happy to be here. I don't know. That's only because they're not proud of you. No, yeah. They just happen to dislike me a lot It has nothing to do with you guys Or anybody else here Everybody else

Has anybody here never been to one of our live podcasts before? Oh, hell yeah Has anybody been to one of our live podcasts before? Cool And who here is from Flying Bull? Just the Flying Bull table then? Yeah We got one solar decathlete

Can you name two of the ten events In the solar decathlon? Of course One is just the javelin They just ran out and they had to use regular decathlon shit And then the rest are like solar related Solar, yeah There's a A pole vault use regular decathlon shit. And then the rest are like solar related. Yeah, there's

a pulse but soul vault. Oh, a solar vault. Where instead of a padding thing, it's just a solar panel. Everyone who participates in it dies. Yeah. There's never ever not been a death.

Put that one at the end. Otherwise, tournament over. There's no one to not been a death. Yeah. Put that one at the end. Otherwise, tournament over. There's no one to do the javelin. Too early on. Yeah. So, do you want to sit down? I don't know. Oh, yeah.

We were staying for so long. Do you want to do it? Let's do it. You're right. Let's get started. Let's sit down. This is happening. Ready?

All right. Now we've addressed the fact that we're sitting down. Here we are. This is the sit down. How are you guys doing up front? This is cool. What's Gucci? Nachos? Yeah.

It looks like you really got into them already. Yeah, nachos are weird. This is another one stand-up. What's the deal with nachos? It's like the top layer is nachos, the bottom layer is just chips. I mean... That was actually pretty good.

Yeah. Cheers. Thanks. Looks like a lot of your ice melted, pal. Clink. Okay. It's just that when I have spaghetti and pasta sauce, it's not just on the top. We're going to workshop that backstage, actually.

For those of you listening at home, this is a recorded show, so a lot of people are just going to be listening at the gymnasium. This episode is brought to you by Flying Bull. Google it. You guys owe us $7,500, by the way. Or an hour of your time. They pay us. This is like a very traditional comedy club.

There are seats. People are eating nachos. Are those sweet potato pies? Y'all got some Stellas. That's what's up. You already done drank. How long have you been here and you drank three Stellas? Yeah, they showed a four-minute video before we came on stage.

There's five empty beers on this table. They opened the doors ten minutes ago. Yeah, fuck yeah. College, bro. You wouldn't get us. I dropped out, yeah. You wouldn't get us. Like, these are my boys.

Yeah, and like... Have a sip of one of their beers. I don't need to have a sip to know that... You've never had beer before. You're afraid of it. It's carbonation. You're crying a little bit out of this eye

so no one over there can see it. I have controlled crying, which is... Almost never useful, but tonight... One of them is trickling out of my butthole.

Once again, this episode is brought to you by Flying Bull. Please check out the Solar Decathlon on, when is it? November 33rd. Oh, no, they lied to you. That's not a real date. When check out the Solar Decathlon on when is it? November 33rd. Oh no, they lied to you. That's not a real date.

When is the actual Solar Decathlon? It's the next four days? Ten events, four days? Two and a half events per day? How long are these javelins traveling? Solar! Solar! Your hand is so cold.

I'm an alien. So for this table over here and everybody else who isn't quite sure who we are, Jake and I have a podcast, an advice podcast. It's basically a radio show that you download onto your phones. Don't con, they know what a podcast is. They're putting on a goddamn solar decathlon. A computer is a machine that you play in here. You can type word processing.

You know, email. Yeah. So you don't have to print it, everything. It's an email you listen to for people you don't know. I feel bad. I'm sorry. I know. We're making fun of him,

not anybody else. Yeah. Anyway. That's the theme of the show. So people will email us. Do you know email? People will type letter correspondence chess.

Do you play that? People are in sticky situations. They're in tough places. You know kids these days. They don't know what the fuck's going on, you guys. They're in tough places. You know kids these days. They don't know what the fuck's going on, you guys. We're all drinking like nine Stellas. Yeah. Making bad decisions.

Ordering nachos. Nachos are fine, but the Stellas are, you know, suspect. So Jake and I get hundreds of emails a day and we comb through the submissions and we try to answer four or five of them on the show and if you guys wouldn't mind, I guess we

should do it right now. Yeah, while we're here. Might as well. Sometimes, most of the times, it's just Jake and I alone, fully nude in our home. Often spooning. Often spooning into the same microphone which is coiled around us

Like a python eating us both What a way to go But that sometimes we're in Irvine Irvine, let's give it up for yourselves One guy did jazz hands back there It meant a lot to me to see that. Oh, if you're hard of hearing, you have to do jazz hands instead of clapping. Of course.

Jake, sorry, Jake is deaf. I didn't hear that. Yeah, jazz hands. Yeah, it feels good. All right. So these are Real emails From real humans On this planet

They share it the same With you and I Flying bull They're just confused Of sorts But we want to give These real emails Fake names

Just so we can preserve Their anonymity Of course So if anybody has The name The name of a male A male name A male name

A male name I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard I heard The name of a male. A male name. A male name. I heard Crandus. Crandus follows us around to every show. It's sort of ambiguous, so it could go with a dude. It could be a man named Crandus. A man named Crandus writes. Hey, guys.

Big fan of the podcast. I'm a first-year student at university and was wondering if you guys could help me out. I'm coming home in two weeks to my girlfriend of two years. While we were together, we plan on catching up and even trying some new things like taking a shower together. Huh?

It shouldn't be that new after two years. Here's my problem. Lately, I've really wanted to try licking her ass. But I don't want to weird her out or make her disgusted. How can I bring this up with her so that she's willing to try? I don't want her to reciprocate the licking. And we've never... Yeah. Get your mind out of the gutter flying bowl specifically i don't want her to reciprocate the licking and we've never gone near each other's

asses in a sexual manner before any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated love krandis let's go to for Crandis. So why do you have to specify that we've never gone near each other's assholes in a sexual manner before? Yeah, I mean, they've wiped each other. They've wiped each other. It was all business last time. So, like, for example, she'll do a duty and she'll be like, can you come wipe me? Oh, you're a father. Yeah.

He's so matter of fact. While we're together, we plan on catching up and trying new things like, I don't know, hopefully licking her ass. I'd like to find out how her first semester was. Did you meet anyone? May I lick your ass? Yeah.

Did you take any intramural sports or participate in any other hobbies? Furthermore, can I lick your colon? I want to lick your ass. Once we're done catching up. What else is new? Perhaps in the shower, so I know it's clean. Oh, that's a good call. He wants to shower together. I think that's when the ass, that's a good call. He wants to shower together. I think that's when the ass licking should and will commence. Let's wash our butts. Yeah. Turn off the water.

I've got my own water and it's solar powered. Speaking of which, let's turn it on ESPN 9. The decathlon's on. I think the shower is actually a great way to segue into the... He means butthole, right? When he says ass licking, he's not talking about tasting the cheeks. Yeah. But you can bite that. That's kind of sexy. Like nibble it on your way to the...

Yeah, like... It's like going on a road trip and you make a pit stop. It's kind of... It's not about the... The journey. It is make a pit stop It's not about the The journey I guess with ass licking It's all destination And journey I guess but like really

Your eyes on the prize on that one Yeah Brown eyes on the prize We're working on our high fives Brown eyes on the prize. We're working on our high fives. I think you can't... I don't think you broach it like a normal subject. You can't text somebody like, Hi, next time we're together, I'd like to lick your ass.

Those things are best done in the heat of the moment. Yeah. I think there's a lot that you can get away with in the heat of the moment. Yeah. I think there's a lot that you can get away with in the heat of the moment because it's turning you on. Yeah, you're already, like, you're trending towards a location. You don't want to make a U-turn. And you don't want to zero in right on the ass.

Like, if you're doing... I think you have to... You've got to be going down on her. Okay. This is real advice now. The joke part is over So everyone listen the fuck up Put those nachos away

And take out a tablet A Samsung Galaxy Brought to you by Samsung Galaxy And Flying Bull So yeah I think you can lick her ass Yeah Nothing's funny about that By the way So yeah, I think you can lick her ass. Oh, yeah. Nothing's funny about that, by the way.

It's all sexy. It's funny to talk about it on stage, but in the moment, yeah, you can lick her ass. So you're saying you have to already be down there, trending towards there. Yeah, you can't go from like kissy-kissy to ass, but you could go kissy-kissy, necky-kissy, booby-kissy, vagina-kissy, little creep like, boop, I kissed your ass.

You test the waters. Yeah. You don't dive in. You go to the first step and you say, ooh, the water is cold. Let me get out of the pool. Right. And then you go back into the first step and you're like, oh, I've actually gotten used to this. Uh-huh.

Can I lick your asshole? But once you're in, the water step and you're like, oh, I've actually gotten used to this. Can I lick your asshole? But once you're in, the water feels so good. It's all warm to me. He should catch up with his girlfriend, though. That's the important part. The primary thing is to find out what's Gucci with your families.

Say I've missed you. At the end of the day. Yeah. Say I've missed you. Yeah. And then... At the end of the day. Yeah. We can end the day by licking. Yeah, it's fine. That should be the... What's the...

When you do stuff after that, that is the end of the day. After you've licked... Yeah, you can't catch up after you've licked her ass. You just... You eat her butt for a little bit and you say,

but how was... Yeah. How was that? You took England... Was that a requirement. You say, but how was that? You took England. Was that a requirement? Sorry, I need to floss. Dear God. Unrelated.

You just have to floss. Look, I ate corn, not you. Yeah. Oh, dear. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you. thank you. Let's move on. That joke is actually good

because if she ate the corn... Dude, don't dissect it. Either way, there would be corn is what I'm trying to say. I got you, I feel you. That's why it's funny. Yeah. Please, either answer the next question or drink your...

Do something besides talk about this. I do want you to drink this water at this point. You have let the ice melt that into its... Isn't that the point of rocks? No, it's... I think the point is to make it cold, not to dilute it to the point where it's not alcoholic.

We learned two new things today. Keep in mind, I might be wrong. I often am. That's it. That was our advice for this guy. Let's give it up for Krandis one more time. One more question. Well, many more questions.

Let's start with one at a time. We need another guy's name. Did you just feel Crandus again? No, it's too late. It's too late. I want to ask Flying Bull. All right, sure. Flying Bull. Who's the highest up person at your company that's here right now?

Who's the CEO? Adam? Is that? Adam? Tom? Tom? Tom, of course. Did you just guess Adam because he kind of looks like an Adam?

I should have guessed. Every CEO's name is Tom or Adam. Yeah. I had a 50-50 shot. So, Tom, what we need is a fake guy's name to help us answer this question. It could be a fake name that you made up with a series of sounds or just somebody that you know and love.

Don't give him so many parameters. Just fake name. He'll do it. You told him to either use sounds or a loved one? Yeah. I want to make it easy on him. Do whatever you want, Tom. You're his goddamn CEO.

Yeah. Nobody tells you what to do. That's the goal of being you. You're the boss. You tell me, actually. I would like to use the name Richard. Whoa. He needed help.

No, Richard is good. Do you have a last name, or do you want to keep it anonymous? Yeah. Yeah. No, Richard is good. Do you have a last name or do you want to keep it anonymous? Yeah! Yeah! Tom, dude! Yes, dude! Dick, dude! I love that, dude!

Yes, dude! Alright, dude! Don't stop on the stage, dude. Just read it, yeah. Tom writes. I'm choking. Lighten up, flying bull. This is a corporate retreat.

Y'all could have been bowling if Tom was slightly different. Dick writes, I work at a law firm run by possibly the worst human beings on planet Earth. I think people were better treated and more well respected during the Third Reich than in

my office. Huge stretch. He means how they treated others, because people within the Third Reich were probably treated very well. I have seen every single girl reduced to tears by cruel managers. I have seen people freak out and storm out of the building,

never to return. I have seen people on the verge of physical altercations because they are so irate we aren't even doing any good work as we're just launching a solar decathlon for god's sake holy shit we aren't even doing any good work as we are a foreclosure law firm and work solely to take away people's homes. I've had to console weeping mothers and explain to

them that we are still going to force them out of their home. Nothing about my job gives me an ounce of joy. But I can't afford to quit or be fired because I need the money. So, would you guys stick it out and say So, would you guys stick it out and say,

sorry, would you guys say fuck it and bounce on Hitler's foreclosure firm or stick it out until you can find a new gig? Love, Dick. Dick. Let's give it up for Dick. One time for Dick. Is flying bull like that?

People storming out, getting into physical altercations? Obviously you can't answer with Tom in the room, but just cough twice if he's emotionally and physically abusive. Well, who here hates their job? Oh my God. Why would you woo? Miserable Yeah All of the waitresses

Just applauded No But it is true This place seems Particularly evil I don't know what They steal buildings And make their employees cry

Right Someone's in charge Of this workplace Yeah yeah yeah Which is not a good place to be. No, yeah, it's like, that's the, I think that's one of the worst jobs you can have. Yeah. Take away people's houses.

Yeah. Or, if you're like, if you work for an insurance company that, like, has to, you have to represent people who were killed in an accident, you're like, we don't, we want, we want the family to pay for this. Yeah, but that is someone's job. Yeah, somebody's, like,

no one could possibly be passionate about that. My first job was somebody paid me to giggle at funerals. Really? Yeah. A vigilante boss man hired me on Craigslist and he said... Do you know who he was? He didn't have a name or a face.

He did look... The visage did resemble John Wolf, but he would pay Do you know who he was? He didn't have a name or a face. The visage did resemble John Wolf, but he would pay me $40 an hour to go to funerals and crack up. Global's in charge of this? I don't want to say that he is or isn't, but it really seemed like that. Because I guess funerals are completely open to the public. For those of you guys who don't know here,

we know this guy John Wolf is sort of like this... Yeah, I mean, woo, because we know him, this guy John Wolf is sort of like this Yeah, I mean, woo, because we know him, but he's not a good guy. He's this sort of like weird social vigilante who takes it upon himself to be a dickling and a nuisance. In these really subtle ways

that they're not, he's an anti-hero. He's a super villain, but like not a, like a super nuisance. Yeah, he doesn't like kill people, but he'll literally pay me. He makes people's lives bad. He paid me $50 an hour to crack up at funerals, and I'm like, why is that? And he's not even there to enjoy it.

No, no, no. He doesn't want to see it. He doesn't get a perverse joy out of being there. No, he just wants to pay me and have me live with the guilt of knowing that I did it for money. That's so weird. Like, John Global Glocal Wolf is, I don't know, like what we... I just hate it, man. I hate when he does shit like that.

He'll also sell nutritional yeast and it's sand. That one is illegal. That one is illegal to do it because it's false advertising. So you'll put sand on your popcorn and you think it's nutritional yeast because it does resemble sand. Fine. Nutritional yeast is like, the hell, it's good for you.

It tastes kind of like cheese. It's a nice thing to have. It's a nice thing to have and then you bite into it. That's so fucking weird that you just ruined people's popcorn. I don't know because everyone loves popcorn and for whatever reason, local, global, John Wolf doesn't. So have you ever had a job that you hated that you stuck around for?

Yes? And why did you stick around? Money. This is what I'm telling you, dude. My money-free society. That's a really nice idea. Have you all ever been to Burning Man? It's all this, like this cool barter system.

As long as you go to Walmart or Kmart and fill up on water before you get there and kind bars and shit, once you get there, there's no money. And shit actually really, really works. As long as you rent an RV in Reno, then it really... Do they accept hugs and shit

for the kind bars that you buy in Walmart? Or is it actually just cash there? And it's like not supporting the man and like it's just like this free society that's like

fucking beautiful and like yeah as long as you load up on on kind bars and stuff before you get there because it's really hot

and yeah and if you meet me at the Fluke Talk tent sponsored by Red Bull and Flying Bull next year thank you I think the deal with

bad jobs is that you will endure them as much as, like, this guy's body will fail when he's ready to leave. Like, the fact that he can still tough it out means that he's still, like, fine with it. And one day he'll be like, I'm too depressed. Are you advising him to stay miserable?

Yes. What kind of person are you? You have a microphone. You're supposed to empower them to be... I think he can look for other jobs, but he shouldn't leave this job until he's actually physically incapable. I don't understand why he can't get fired. If he got fired, that's like several weeks severance, and then you get to go look for a job.

How do you get fired at a place that makes people cry and mad? Wouldn't it be amazing if he was like, oh, I actually didn't end up taking that family's house away. I'm like, you did a bad job. You're fired. So then you get fired, you get severance, and you didn't take somebody's house away.

That's actually good advice. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Whatever. Yeah. Get fired. Tom, have you ever had to fire someone? Not yet. Not yet. I love that attitude.

But whoever planned this fucking retreat... ...is on pretty thin ice. Isn't that right, Barbara? Is someone's name Barbara? Oh, it's got to be, right? Sheila? Sarah? Sandy. Oh, the nutritional yeast.

Holy shit. It all comes back. The local has penetrated. It's changed their name. I don't want to finish that real quick, because I don't want to... Yeah, just finish it. It's all water. You can yell chug, and it's... Are you kidding me?

It's a lot of water. It really is. And it's cold, so it hurts my teeth. So you can see the predicament I'm in. Sure, yeah, yeah. Just to have this much cold, icy water. Tell you what, why don't you just chug from the bottle then? I gotta drive home, but hey, what the hell?

Yeah, dude! Instantly puking. It was 45 minutes of me passing out. Everyone's sort of chanting still in a sad way. Die, die, die, die. Should we answer one more question then the break or take the break now? What do you want to do, man?

Well, it's our show, actually. Hold up. Let's take the break right now. If anybody has any questions, we can answer anybody's. Whatever you guys want to talk about. Yeah, this is a free association. You have a raise in your hand? A video in our email two days ago?

This guy has a gun. Did you watch the fucking video, man? What's the right answer, dude? Fuck! It was skipping, dude. I don't know if i finished a little bit no we have like 14 000 emails we check them as much as we can uh yeah i'll come through i'll say you know what i'll do dude i'll sort by attachment that's like the coolest thing to say or the nerdiest thing to say in a cool way

Yeah, yeah, tell me a little bit Yeah, I'll fucking like sort by attachment though Like, even I'll put like a Google filter on that And be like higher than 5,000k Like, I really will sort by largest attachment And like send by date Yeah, yeah, yeah Okay, what's the window

Alright yeah yeah yeah bro We'll look for that video I don't know what to say I'm sorry Very specific personal question Jake's virginity story I feel real weird telling this in front of everybody from Flying Bull. Especially because two of them were involved. Let me explain the situation to the social decathletes in the room.

Sorry, solar decathletes. My bad. Every live podcast we have, Jake sort of promises to share his virginity story, which is something of an urban legend. It has become lore of sorts. A myth. Only sadly true. If you're listening at home, we cut to commercial

break so that we can't disseminate the story to the public. We can only tell it word of mouth the way traveling salesmen used to do. Tom, you understand. Tom and I used to sell oil door to door. Snake oil, actually. It was another glocal scheme.

So if you're listening at home, let's take a quick commercial break. Thank one more sponsor, and we'll be right back after this. All right, now everyone shut the fuck up. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys

to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about Exactly. dot fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey that's right so if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. What? What an amazing heroic tale. Actually, those fries look pretty good. Do you mind if I have some for the first time? You guys haven't

touched the fries, and you've kind of like devoured yours. Yeah. No, I mean, I do, but I shouldn't because I have to talk more now. Leave them on the table and I'll get to them after everyone leaves. Stupid.

Oh, you know what we should answer? We got that follow-up email from our last live show question. All right. I've got a question. Who here listened to our live show question. Yes, all right. That's right. I've got a question. So who here listened to our live show in Toronto? Okay, I'm going to catch a couple people up.

Do you guys remember the girl who... Tom, you remember the girl. Yeah, Tom knows what I'm talking about. You know what, I'll just fucking read it. All right, not that guy, I wish I wish so this girl she was dating a jealous guy uh she I was living with him at his uh oh wait this is it all right uh 21 years old been with my boyfriend for four years he's perfect here's the issue there's always they're always perfect and there's always yeah it's not perfect. Perfect means without flaw. Like that.

So he's very jealous. He saw dirt in my bathtub and thought it was cum. But the day he saw that, we didn't have sex. He still brings it up and today we almost broke up because he said he couldn't trust me. What should I do? So this was the main... The main problem was the trust.

Follow-up problem was it was a problem that he didn't... He couldn't tell the difference between dirt and cum. Yeah. Two very different things. Yeah. One is brown and the other is mud. I mean... So here's her follow-up.

We advised her... I think we advised her to break up with him. Yeah, because he was an angry, jealous boy. And angry, jealous boys don't get girls. As far as I'm concerned. Who are you? Sorry, I had a fry

and I'm a sassy old uncle man. Sassy old uncle man. Yeah, and I'll say stuff like jealous boys don't get girls. And I think it rhymes, but it doesn't. You have a really long cigarette? Yeah, I'm Theodore Leslie of sorts. Theodore Leslie.

So, alright. This is from I don't remember her name. What's that girl's name? Khaleesi. She's always on the mind, isn't she's that girl's name? Khaleesi. She's always on the mind, isn't she? All right, it's from Khaleesi or whoever it was in Toronto.

There's a follow-up email to the original one we answered in Toronto. Exactly, the girl whose boyfriend didn't know the difference between dirt and cum. Thank you for answering my question. I'm so honored and I laughed so much listening to you guys read it at a live show, no less.

So here we are again. That's kind of cool. A little backstory. I was living with him at his parents' house, but they didn't know I was living there because they're so rich, they have three houses, two in Vegas, one here. I don't know why this is necessary.

I think she just wanted to brag about the success of her boyfriend's parents. Yeah, it explains why the guy's an asshole a little bit. Sure. A few nights ago, before I was supposed to leave when his parents were coming back to visit, I got really sick of listening to him go on about how little he trusted me, so I

just started packing up. I gathered all my things, and I said, fuck this. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. I did what Jake said, and I started to leave. Yeah. Wahoo. And he did basically that move where he said, but wait, I can trust you.

Everything changed when he wanted to break up with me. I'm a different human now to you. So I ended up staying. This reaction so far is correct. He's still crazy. What? But he changed forever.

He actually forced me off social media. Oh. His words were, it was in my best interest to be off social media. He should have said in your best Pinterest. For example, Snapchat deletes the message slash snap after it's seen, you could be talking to other

guys and I wouldn't be able to see it. So since then I haven't been on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat. Things have been better. Oh! Huh. Things have been better between us since I got off social media. Is this good for us? I think

she's confusing better with worse. Yeah. Things have been better for the super villain. Ever since I became an emotional prisoner of myself, things are all right. Yeah. Weird how that works out, right? It's also interesting that he forced her off all social media because he was afraid that she could use it.

That's like saying, I have to remove your mouth and voice box now because who knows who you can talk to. Yeah. Things have been better now since I can't speak. He probably wrote that email. Oh no. Things are better now that I'm typing for her.

Sincerely, little girl. Send. Sleep. What do you think, girl in a cage? He keeps her in a cage. Jesus Christ. I think it's almost to the point where we need to fly to Hawaii and rescue her.

I was gonna go to Hawaii anyway, just because it's a chill spot. Yeah, I was gonna go stand up paddle boarding in Kauai. And then while I was there, I'd be like, hey, this guy's bad. This guy is really bad. And he's taking stuff, essential freedoms from you.

You woman. You crazy woman. You. I'm actually mad at her. She's an Instagram whore now. What if a man sees your picture? How am I supposed to deal with that? Delete.

Your eyes. Are we, you guys clinking glasses like we have to kiss? Like it's a wedding. Toast, toast. I missed a FaceTime call from Ben. Do you think it would be interesting to call him back? That's a fun idea. Alright, so you guys

ideally it'll work. I have a friend we have a friend. His name is Ben. He comes on the show. He's sort of a deal. A big deal of sorts. People love him. I think it would be cool. You're setting it up and if he doesn't pick up it's going to be really disappointing.

I just want Flying Bolt to understand what's going on here. What's happening. So it would be kind of funny if I FaceTime him, and I do it, like, off-camera... Or, sorry, off-microphone over here. He thinks I'm in a hotel room that looks like a brick wall for some reason.

Yeah. And then I turn it around, and I'll be like, oh, I'm actually doing a live show. And he'll be like, what? And then I turn it around, you guys can all applaud. It'll be a fun little moment. They should all say something when you turn it around. Okay, be like, oh, I'm actually doing a live show. And he'll be like, what? And then I turn it around, you guys can all applaud. It'll be a fun little moment. They should all say something when you turn it around. Okay, what should he call them?

What's like, what's one of his most famous names from our... Cherry Dude? Cherry Dude? Alright. So what? They're gonna just chant Cherry Dude? Yeah, when you turn it around, everyone will say Cherry Dude! This is gonna be so sad if he doesn't pick up.

Yeah, 10 minutes of build-up, and he's just like, hey, man, I'm in a restaurant. Who else you got on your phone, dude? Call Rick Fox. Come on. All right, here we go. I'm going to call Ben. FaceTime. And nobody say anything until I turn the phone around. Yeah, that's right. The silence is... Oh, that's right. The silence is... Yes, dude. Yes, dude. I love it. I love it. Where are you, man? You know where I am. You're at home, dude. I love that. Yes, dude. I'm actually doing a show right now. This second?

Shitty News! You're on the microphone, so people might be able to hear you. Hi, everybody! Hi, everybody! Flying good. What? We're going through a history of all the people Amir's had sex with.

Yeah! We gotta go. Give it up for Ben Schwartz. That was fun. I was gonna tell him Flying Bull was here. We have about five minutes left. I know.

I know. But maybe we can try to answer one more question real quick. One more, yeah, let's do it. Speed round. I know. But maybe we can try to answer one more question real quick. One more. Yeah, let's do it. Speed round. All right. Girl's name.

Toboggan! What was it? Toboggan! Toboggan? Like a sled? Yeah, Toboggan. Yeah, dude. Okay, great.

Toboggan, man! Toboggan. Yeah, dude. Okay, great. Toboggan, man! Toboggan. Yeah! 19 Stellas. Toboggan actually works because we needed a guy's name. Perfect. Of course it is.

Of course. Toboggan is unisex. Right. I just turned 18 and I've been dating my GF For two months and we've recently Gotten very physical I'm really good at going down on her

Amongst other things But she isn't But she isn't very good in return She is really self-conscious About this and I can't exactly Fake it as there is an outcome Outcome comes out Outcome is the perfect word self-conscious about this, and I can't exactly fake it, as there is an outcome. Outcome comes out.

Outcome is the perfect word. That's where outcome came from. That's such a sad thing to say when you orgasm. And here's the outcome! I command thee! That's why it's called, like, what's your income? Originally it was the jizz going back into your urethra That's how you were paid

Isn't that so bizarre? Medieval times were fucked That's how the actors at medieval times Were paid in the 80s That's so weird Anyway The reason I know what to do Is because of porn.

Should I suggest that she watch some videos to educate herself? Or will that reveal that I've watched more than my fair share? I don't want her to feel inadequate because I know that getting someone off feels really satisfying. Please help. Love, Toboggan. It sounds like there's a huge chance he's not getting her off, right? Yeah. I'm really good. I watch porn. I read a book

once. I know all the facts. Well, especially with porn, that's like not necessarily how you want to have oral sex. So you're saying don't go to porn to learn it. I watch porn too, and a lot of the time it's like when they go down, like they slap their vagina. Yeah. And I don't know to porn to learn it. I watch porn, too, and a lot of the time, it's like when they go down, they slap their vagina. Yeah.

And I don't know if that... I've never gone down on someone and been like, is this thing on? Is this thing turned on? And if I were a girl in that situation, I'd be like, oh, I just came. Yeah. Just stop it.

You're finished, and you're came. Yeah. Just stop it. You're finished and you're done and that's the outcome. How about telling her what he likes and dislikes? Isn't that better than saying, go to your local library?

Yeah, because most porn dick blowjobs are, you know, it's face fucking. So, that's probably not where you want

to go with your girlfriend. No. Unless it is. And there's nothing wrong with that. But she's really got to be on board. So what do you say? How does one get better at anything sexual? I think it's more about, it's not about like porn, it's more

about like the actual relationship, right? She doesn't need to know how a porn star likes his dick sucked or what the porn industry's idea of a good blowjob is, which I think involves a lot of gagging. Yeah. See, porn is not a YouTube tutorial. Yeah.

It's a you porn utorial. Oh. And sorry, I just had a stroke. I also think it's not necessary, very physical. Does that mean they're having sex

or is it just very physical oral sex? I think he's eating her out and she's hitting the top of his brain.

Did I get it right? I think like a chimpanzee learning to make fire for the first time. Or a gorilla trying to crack open a coconut for the third time. So he sort of knows what he's doing. He'll get it He'll get it I think, yeah, you gotta say You gotta talk to her about what you personally like on your dick And don't say Yeah Don't Yep, totally

You are just reliving that porn star blowjob Sorry, I'm just imagining Tom taking this all in The rest of the flying Bull team surrounding their CEO listening to you talk about how the best blowjobs are given. It just warmed, not my heart, but I guess my scrotum, which is heart-shaped,

though upside down. To Amir's scrotum. To you guys. Yes,rotum To you guys Yes, guys, did you guys have fun? Flying Bull, thoughts It wasn't what you expected, right? But it was still borderline I mean, people around you seem to have been laughing a bit

That's better than nothing, I feel like Maybe next time, mini-golf, I don't know I'm not Sandy I don't get what's good and bad. I do need a job because after this we were fired by basically every comedy club in the country. So Flying Bull is an opening for Solar Decathlete or Human Resources. Please let Jake or I know. Let's give it up for Flying Bull for having fun.

And to Jake! Thank you. And to Jake. Thank you. And to Amir. Thank you guys so much. We had an amazing time. We really appreciate it. Good night. Thank you.

But wait, one last sponsor, one last company to thank, and that is dollarshaveclub.com. I used to shave with razors so old that they were really, really not good anymore, actually. They're not good. Don't shave with old razors. Use dollarshaveclub.com to change the way you shave. Dollarshaveclub.com delivers a whole new sleeve of amazing razors for just a few bucks. You can shave with a fresh blade that feels fantastic and great every week. And the

prices are really low because they don't have to deal with shit like putting it in stores. It's all done online. Y'all like the internet. So check out DollarShaveClub.com slash jake or dollarshaveclub.com slash amir for your low-priced, high-quality razors delivered like clockwork every month. Once again, that's dollarshaveclub.com slash jake or dollarshaveclub.com slash amir. And yes, if you are in search of more podcasts to enjoy, the new Hollywood is a new show on the HeadGum Network, as well as How to Make Me Come, a show I think that's equally important for guys and ladies to listen to. When else do you get to hear ladies candidly and anonymously speak so earnestly about their own sexuality? It's kind of an interesting conversation that I'll be having on a weekly basis on the HeadGum Network.

All right, now y'all are free to do whatever the heck you want. See ya. That was a HeadGum Podcast.