Segments - 182: Halloween

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

In this episode we discuss strippers, costumes, and hangovers. Brought to you by MeUndies and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Though I can't guarantee it'll always be nice But at least it will be funny And it doesn't cost you money So if you want to learn how to get babes Or maybe just how to finally get laid Or how to put it in her ass Wait, mama, turn down the podcast It's hosted by Amir, who's good at math And Jake, who's a bit of a sociopath but

trust me they're the bomb if i were your show at gmail.com i like when girls do it yeah it's fun they're taking it from us. Oh, come on. That's our word for them. What? I make that noise about them, and they stole it from me. It's my noise. I stole it from Kanye. Fair and square. I stole it first.

That was from Nikki Richards. That was a Jason Mraz cover, correct? Yeah. Those are the lyrics, too. we should get jason miraz on the podcast i was actually thinking we should get miraz on the show so it's funny that you say that it would just be i was just like miraz yeah so i was thinking that like me you because it's so funny that you mentioned that because like today, I was talking to Douglas, my autistic nephew. Really?

He was like, what are you up to? I was like, I think we should try to get Mraz on the show. You told that to Douglas? Yeah, I said that to Douglas. What did he say back? I don't know. He was on mute. Okay.

I was just ranting and raving. It was like a note to self. What do you mean? It was a phone call? Yeah, I called him and he put the button on muteaving it was like a note to self phone call yeah i called him and he put the button on mute and i was like douglas are you there and i couldn't hear anything i was like and then you said what you should get mraz on the podcast interesting and then you said it yeah and so just yeah like crazy coincidence but also crazy is i guess what you your interaction

with your cousin d. Yeah, Douglas. It was strange. So yeah, it would be me, you, Mraz, and then... Well, you have a mutual friend. I mean, I just imagine he knows Gautier. And you went to Jewish elementary school and summer camp with Gautier. We actually had... We took an art chug.

Chug is like what we call activities in jewish summer camp and how did gattier gattier with art huge hoog yeah he was fine gattier was in the hoog and like it was me it was my buddy rami jesse ofer and then gattier and then just somebody that i used to know yeah yeah he would he would sing that while he was doing even then yeah he was doing that i guess it's a melody that was always in his head. Yeah. Somebody. Yeah,

exactly. Yeah. Wow. So we were like gluing elbow macaroni on construction paper. Fucking wild. And I was like, Gautier. Wild.

Or we didn't even call him Gautier back then. Right. We called him. Yeah. What's his real name? His name is Shlomo. Shlomo? Yeah.

Shlomo McCauley. Wow. Cool. And then he goes by Gautier now, and he does know Meraz. Yeah, if we get both of them on, Gautier and Meraz. Yeah, and then me and you would be the two. I honestly wouldn't even care if you were here or not. If it was just you, Meraz, and Gautier.

Yeah, and even if Meraz wasn't here, if it was just me and Gautier. And actually, to be perfectly honest, I don't even need to be here. What are you describing? Gautier. Hosting our show? Yeah, like a spinoff episode that becomes the new podcast. Not even. Oh, this podcast?

We retire. Gautier is the new host. So we do one episode, me, you, Mraz, Gautier. And then we each drop off one by one. So the second episode is me, you, Gautier. No. Or me, you, Mraz, gautier and then we each drop off one by one so the second episode is me you gautier no or me you mraz gautier why do you think you are around i didn't the second the second option i gave you was you mraz gautier huh i didn't even want to be there and then what sorry man and then what and then it's mraz and g Gautier. And then the fourth and final episode, the transition is complete.

The podcast is then hosted by Gautier. That was written by Nikki Richards. I really liked it. Yeah, I liked the parody. What was that even a parody of? Wasn't it a Jason Mraz song? We should have Mraz on the show. I was saying that earlier.

Yeah. To who? It doesn't matter. That's awesome. Yeah. Let's start the show okay um um um um um this is oh we already very spooky episode after halloween we're recording this on halloween eve all hallows eve all hallows Halloween Eve. All Hallows Eve. All Hallows Eve. It is Halloween. It's October 31st. You had the bright idea, first time in a while, to record half the episode before Halloween. So right now, the

palpable excitement and energy you're hearing is because we're ready. We're almost ready to go out for Halloween. We are going to party. We're going to rage. We're going to... You love Halloween. I do. I have never ever in, I think, 10 years had a Halloween where I didn't have sex. Wow.

So I'm pretty excited about it. 10 for 10. Yeah. I love that. Pretty cool. That's a good streak. It's a decent record. I will admit.

How many of them was just you masturbating at a phone booth? All of them. Okay. So, oh, so not... Right. So all of them... I've never had in a phone booth? All of them. Okay. So, oh, so not, right. I've never had sex on Halloween, but I always cum. And then just to finish your idea, we'll do the first half of the episode tonight. Go to break. When we come back, it'll be after Halloween.

Right. So our break will be like nine hours of getting shit faced and dancing. And then we'll do the second half sunday november 1st release the episode monday november 2nd and who knows what the what's going to happen on part two of this podcast we are going definitely going to be hung over we're going to sound different yeah i'm going to sound sick again i'm going to be like i'm so excited and happy right now i wonder if i'll be sad and miserable afterwards probably yeah you'll feel nauseous and like dehydrated yeah and i'll have made a lot of bad mistakes.

Yeah. And I'll regret everything. Yeah, yeah. And I'll hate myself. Yeah, that'll be fun. Yeah. And then we can talk about that. Right.

But for now, let's talk about these people. This is, what is this show? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jason Mraz. And me. And Katya. We get emails from people who are in difficult places seeking our guidance. That email address, if you have your own questions,

is ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. I found a good one to start us off. All right. We can get into it. Let's get right into it. We need a guy's name. We're going to give this email real email from real people fake name to preserve their anonymity do you have what about your costume

yeah i was gonna say your costume oh that's a good one your costume is mario did i tell you my joke for my costume uh i guess anytime you meet somebody you say and say oh what's your name and they'll be like oh i'm allison what's your name and you say it's like, oh, I'm Allison. What's your name? And you say, it's a me. No, no, no. Oh, Amirio. No. It's Amir. Mario. So they'll be like, oh,

they won't know that I said that. It's, it's Amir. Yeah. Mario. It's Amir. Mario. They'll just think you did a bad Mario.

They'll think that my Italian, it's a me, has an r at the end of it for some reason uh you didn't want to dress up as luigi well it's i just it's just that i have a thing that i do which is what i dress up as a cat every year uh-huh um i've been a black cat this will be the seventh year in a row i believe unless it's six i don't know if i'm giving myself too much credit i think but i think i'm 30 now it's either. I don't know if I'm giving myself too much credit. I think, but I think I'm 30 now. It's either six or seven. And you want to do it nine years or is that just the thing that I made up?

No, I want to do it nine years. And then retire it. Yeah. And then you can do Luigi. Right. Cause you had a mustache. You,

a Mario and Luigi costume for us would be perfect. Yeah. The mustache. I, but I shaved my mustache now. I just wish I was a little shorter and fatter. Me too. All the time. Yeah. So Mario writes, had the mustache but i shaved my mustache now i just wish i was a little shorter and fatter me too all the time yeah so mario writes i found myself in a bit of a strange streak i'm 24 years old and

i say i'd go out often and occasionally meet girls the last four girls i've met three of them drunkenly at bars and one of them from tinder all had a similar quality i totally hit it off with them at the bar or club. They've asked me to go back to their place. We start making out and they stop me and say, you're going to hate me, but I'm a virgin and I'm not going to sleep with you tonight. Don't get me wrong. Everyone's free to do what they want and I'm not passing judgment.

But why invite me back to your place if you're not going to fuck? And secondly, what vibe am I giving off to meet girls who want to take me home but don't plan on sleeping with me sincerely mario all right interesting mario wants to be a pimp daddy mario wants to fuck yeah mario wanna fuck so i guess the vibe that he's giving off is that he's a nice guy unfortunately that's not necessarily true he's not attracting the ladies that don't care to make you work for it a little bit right he yeah yeah yeah he's not attracting people that are looking for one night stands which i guess he wants but he's he's acting like the mo is a. is a pure defeat. I'd say M.O. is like, in the grand scheme of things, 85% of the way there to having sex. Yeah, I mean, it's not that common to make out and be invited back to someone's house.

It means they like you. It means they think you're cool. It means they think you're nice. More importantly, they trust you enough to let you into their house. Yeah. And then he's sort of... I think he's – I mean, I understand that he issued some caveats and he's saying, like, I'm not trying to pass judgment. But, like, he's being a little bit of an asshole that he's like, the be-all, end-all is us fucking.

And, like, what the hell's wrong with you if we're not fucking? Yeah. And then it's like he's not even willing to give it a second shot. Yeah. It doesn't have to be. This isn't even a date yet. Right. It doesn't have – i don't know what the

thing is of like being one and done like i gotta go first night i want to fuck like two nights it's it's very minimal effort for sex right and like the timeline of your life if you spend two or three nights with somebody and you're a good person and you have sex that's pretty you know that's a great ratio that's a great percentage that's a great ratio. That's a great percentage. That's a good conversion rate. That's a great conversion rate. That's exactly right. It's like someone bringing you back to their place.

He's acting like he's looking for $10,000. Someone's bringing them back to their place and giving them like 43 cents. By the way, like one of the things are not that great. So you're saying, I mean, I mean, Oh,

is almost like not as good as sex, but like pretty darn close enough yeah it's i mean the it's the build-up it's great i i i think i've definitely had better sex with people that i knew at least slightly more than than people that i didn't know at all wait say that again i've had better sex with people that i knew a little bit oh random complete strangers at a bar there's something fun about that too but right but it's not a complete loss it's funny he's the email subject that i just read is oh for four he's not even like it's not it's a loss with that attitude even if you're fucking

you are a zero i met a girl girl, invited me back, made out. And you know what? This is a, it's interesting that they all say, you're going to hate me. That's what girls have to say. Yeah, that's not true. That should not be the language. Oh, you're going to hate me.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I apologize. I'm not going to fuck you. I'm a villain because I'm not going to fuck you. Yeah, and you don't have to, and girls don't have to apologize. Of course not. I'm not going to, I'm going to hate you. You're not going to hate't have to apologize it's not i'm not gonna i

i'm gonna hate you you're not gonna hate me you can just say i'm not gonna sleep with you right and and hey and if you make a big deal i'll hate you yeah how's that and when somebody says that to you the goal is to be like what are you even talking about zero expectations i don't even know why this came up don't worry about it kissing yeah like you're gonna hate me but i don't want to fuck you like fuck you so what am i doing here you idiot why am i in the house if my dick's not gonna go into you you think i want to waste time licking your tongue i could have done that at the bar jesus christ man and then there's oftentimes uh an excuse sometimes fraudulent they'll say i'm a virgin they'll say i'm on my period uh because a lot of times females feel

bad for saying i just straight up don't want to have sex with you yeah they think that's like i think that's pretty normal just to be like hey i don't want your dick penetrating me tonight yeah that's that's the thing like a guy just has to stick his dick in a hole that's easy you'll do that anyway a girl has to be like i have to trust you enough so much that you will go inside of me yeah come inside of me well or in a condom of course yeah but you have to be very you have to trust a guy to do that and like the fact that you can't develop that kind of trust in three drunken hours is pretty logical or practical it's fair but like at the same time you'll never hear a guy being like listen lady i know you want to fuck me it's not gonna happen yeah that's a much more

rare occurrence but here's the other issue that i see with mario he's being a little bit of a wario oh really i mean let me tell you about this he's a little bit of a wario in that he is if he's like thinking about oh for four and like how upsetting is that he's not fucking when he's meeting these girls like he's not thinking about having a fun time with the night yeah you gotta be you have to enjoy the journey like not even on your horizon it's got you have to like you're a ship on the ocean and there might be land in the front of you but like just enjoy the waves and the sunset on the on the water enjoy the journey not just the destination like let's just have fun with your boys have fun with your girls get to know somebody

if we have sex like that sex is gonna be a byproduct of being a chill ass dude right not being like and of sometimes guys that are really really thirsty will get laid and i think that creates sort of a false perception of like if i fucking am determined i want it enough if my heart is true if that when you do have sex your attitude can't even be that good towards like he walks out he pumps his fist yes but the record's still one for five so he's like i'm still losing yeah if you if you're keeping score then odds are it's not in your favor yeah it seems like and this attitude only comes like all i see is like three other dudes calling him the day after. We're like, how'd it go? Like, well, we made out.

Oh, pussy. You didn't even fuck her. Meanwhile, those three dudes went home by themselves. Yeah. Yeah, what did you guys do? We went to the diner, bitch. We only made out. So what vibe am I giving off to me girls?

I feel like I have a similar vibe, which is kind of like the nerdy friendly look. I'm not attracting a super party ladies. Yeah. And that's okay. I think he has to embrace that, that he's honestly, that he's attracting, that he's attracting people that are like,

you know, kind of, kind of wholesome. Yeah. That don't necessarily want to, want to bone on night numero uno. Right. And like own that and just be like, hey, yeah, I'm like, I take it slow too.

It's like, let's go out again. Let's go out one or two more times. And then you'll have sex. Yeah. You will have sex. Everybody wants to have sex. It's going to happen. You just have to develop a trust.

Yeah, you got to be chill about it. and then when it happens don't upgrade your scoreboard yeah yeah then it's not one let's retire while you're behind quit while you're behind uh but weren't you like that as an earlier dude like isn't that maybe a phase you grow out of maybe but i like numbers and like i did yeah there was a time i cared about numbers but i never ever cared about like not having sex like if somebody's like i don't want to fuck you i would be like yeah of course not i wouldn't want to look at me yeah i'm fine that's what you say i'm surprised you even let me i'm like definitely dirty so great idea good call like if somebody said they didn't want to fuck me i was like hell yeah yeah fuck yeah you're smart you did you done good kid

should i go home or you want to just chill whatever and then but like i did when i did have sex i think i would like definitely catalog it and be like there we go hey my confidence was boosted right but how often would you see that person again versus someone who's like we're only gonna make out i think it was like 50 of the time right like if i had sex with somebody on the first time i most i don't know i don't know how many repeats i've had we got to go back to your catalog let me open up the google doc yeah what's a shared doc yeah i actually posted it on the reddit it's a Google Drive. It's a public shared. Are you all on Quip?

Well, let me add you to this Quip. Who here is on Slack? All right. Were you like that, though? No, because when I was in my 20s and stuff, I was in relationships. I didn't have numbers. I had love, I guess. Well, not really, because love lasts then.

Oh, so if you break up with someone, then you're not, you were never in love. Then the relationship didn't matter and you learned nothing. So like at the end of any relationship that doesn't end in both of you on your deathbeds, that was not, that's what I consider a zero. So it's not the making out, it's not the sex, it's did I go the distance, quote unquote,

and that distance. Married kids die together, holding each other as the making out. It's not the sex. It's did I go the distance, quote unquote. And that distance. Merry kids. Yeah. Die together, holding each other as the Titanic sinks. Yes, you are the old couple on the bed. Then I'm over everything. Yeah, we all are. That's beautiful.

Only they had it. Jack and Rose. All right. Let's, I guess, yeah, we're at the 20-ish minute mark. I guess we should stop right now. I don't think we should do this because we have people coming over, but it'd be funny to get drunk, get in our costumes, and come in and do one question before we go out.

All right, well, we'll consider that. We don't know if that'll happen. That's probably not going to happen. Okay, so either that or we're going to take a break right now. We're definitely taking a break. Yeah, that's happening. And we'll be back on the other side. Will it be tomorrow?

Will it be later? Will we be be drunk will we be hungover only time will tell i really wonder what's gonna happen i feel do you feel good about this night like you feel positive like this i'm excited that my costume is comfortable yeah that's always like one time i dressed as a rubik's cube and i couldn't even walk yeah that's no fun yeah i'm dressed i'm that's the best part about the cat oh yeah sexy cat tonight though which is what i wore i'm wearing a tank top instead of a t-shirt like i have all the other years yeah well actually two years ago i maybe i wore a jumpsuit jumpsuit jumpsuit i don't need no bottom bottom yeah dizzy uh all right uh brb peace thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking

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if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do hey we're back oh fuck me stop yelling dude turn off the lights it's 7 a.m why did we decide to record now it's so bright in here uh it is the next day it is november 1st we've conquered it rabbit rabbit my friend i think we won yeah my mario costume was i was the bell of the ball i think you were a bell uh i think my my gay ballerina cat yeah uh was also a hit for pictures you can see my instagram i have photos of me i have photos of jake um we oh we're snapchatting too it's on our snapchat did you snap it i snapped a little bit amir bloom or

jake demand 85 i didn't snap it but follow my shit maybe you could snap right now that's a nice idea why don't you take a video of me talking while I tell you guys a funny joke I said at Halloween once. Okay. So I'm walking around. There's no video yet. It's okay. Okay, ready? Oh, yeah, sorry.

You can just tell the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it'll be like candid. I get it. Okay. Ready? Yeah. So it's like I walked into this place.

We went to like a 90s dance party, right? Mm-hmm. And I'm wearing overalls and a red shirt and a mario hat yeah some guy goes mario i'm like oh thank god you know who i am i was afraid nobody would know like it was a subtle costume my giant red hat he's like of course mario right i was like yeah yes oh thank god how did you first of all how was it for you i had because i saw you having a sour time for an hour and a half in the bathroom i was i got there sober as a night yeah bone sober they call it and and then yeah i i was trying to get everyone else to sober up by sort of

intercepting drinks yeah you would knock drinks out of my hand. Be a little more responsible. Yeah. Are you going to Uber home? I had a New York Times there with sort of like, there was news of a Russian jetliner that crashed in Egypt, killing everyone on board. Yeah. So I was trying to somber things up a bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. Yeah, just sort of saying like, you guys are partying here in Los Angeles while the rest of the world burns. Right, the DJ recognized us, and he's like, Jake and Amir are in the house, and then you. Yeah, just sort of saying like, you guys are partying here in Los Angeles while the rest of the world burns. Right, the DJ recognized us and he's like, Jake and Amir are in the house. And then you're like, yeah, can I actually get on the mic for a second? Yeah, do you guys mind if I talk? And then you said, what's the celebration here?

Yeah, I said, you guys are all Nero for this. What is that? He's the, I think, the Greek emperor, the Roman emperor that played his fiddle while the city burned. Oh, I see. So that's what we were to you. Yeah. But overall, you had a good time. I had a great time. the like greek emperor the roman emperor that played his fiddle while the city burned oh i see so that's what we were to you yeah but overall you had a good time i had a great time how do you feel today i feel well i mean i guess it's 5 30 p.m now so i feel good i felt i was pretty hung over this morning what is a hangover like for you um because i feel like it's a little bit different for everybody mine is very consistent within myself.

Oh, like all of your hangovers are the same? All of my hangovers are exactly the same. You have a stomach thing. Your stomach hurts, doesn't it? No, it's not a stomach. It's pure headache. Like, I feel so headachy and dry and, like, dehydrated. Right. Like, no sudden movements.

You think that's unique to you, though? Yeah. That's how everyone's hangovers are but mine is it starts with a headache in the morning and gets gradually better throughout the day and then like one day one moment in the day it always just disappears for me like at the around three to four p.m and that that it going away feeling is amazing yeah there's nothing better than just clearing out yeah like the storm clouds even better than being drunk is not being hung over anymore there's always a moment too when i'm drinking i'm like oh i'm gonna be hung over where it's like 2 a.m i'm like very drunk and i'm like i know i'm gonna go to sleep

within an hour or two yeah why do you drink why do people drink when they're that's the worst idea is can drinking when you're drunk you're already drunk well that's when you're making these dumb decisions right i'm gonna get a shot for everything. Yeah. Like the amount of alcohol that hasn't even reached my blood yet is like pretty great. And now I'm just adding more. Yeah. It'd be nice if there was a switch that you could.

Yeah. I used to set an alarm on my phone when I was going out that would go off at 1.30 a.m. And then just drink water. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, all right. Because like you, I know what, I don't know. You just don't really think of it. But you know that's a good move.

And then when you see it, you're like, good job, past self. And you're still going to be drunk. You think when you're drunk, if you see water, you're like, oh, that's just going to ruin my, that's going to end my night. Drinking water is so good. Like every time you'll see, you know like somebody else so hung over and they're like how you not this hung over you drank as much as me yeah i oh actually i started drinking water i switched to water this is a commercial for water yeah i actually invested in this new miracle pill it's called water i switched to water should be uh the slogan for this new water

uh what are your hangovers uh you guys are pretty similar to yours it feels i mean you just like feel very dehydrated feel a headache intense headache and i'm really really fuzzy oh very fuzzy and slow can you eat no i want coffee and that's about it yeah and then like and then at like two or three when it's disappearing that's when i become ravenous yeah that's when you just need salt bread yeah just all you want on salt bread cheese eggs some salt cheese still just like talking about these eggs breakfast tacos but yeah it felt like it wasn't like it was not the most epic night ever, but not a terrible night. Yeah.

It was like a really solid Halloween. It was a solid dance party Halloween. Yeah. Actually, I think it was a really great night. Yeah. It was a great night. It is funny. Like, just people, like, that same exact night with nobody dressed up is not as fun.

Yeah. It's just like, this is more, I'm always dancing, but because I'm wearing a Mario costume, it's more fun. Shouldn't it be, like, every weekend should be Halloween. I guess that's, like, part of the fun of just, like, dressing up before you go out in general. Right. But it's like. Yeah, like, what if I just wore my Mario costume on, like, February 9th? That'd be great.

Yeah, to a deli for lunch. Specifically an Italian deli. I just want to go alone to an Italian restaurant just as Mario, eat a lasagna by myself. You wouldn't be able to. You walk by, you start throwing shells at me. You wouldn't be able to do it by yourself. Oh, that's a fun idea. Yeah, like a flash mob type deal.

Yeah, totally. Some kind of weird prank, like a hidden camera show. Yeah, so you'll throw turtle shells at me and then maybe banana peels. And then you jump on me. Yeah. Oh, you'll be Yoshi. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, you'll be Yoshi. Yeah. Oh,

I was imagining being a Koopa Troopa. I see. I was trying to kill you. Kill me. Yeah. Got it. Well, I could be Yoshi too.

Um, and now that you're no longer hung over, can you imagine drinking? If necessary, could you get drunk tonight? I guess if necessary, I could get drunk. I would have a beer.

I was, I might have a beer tonight this is what it feels like when we do like three shows in four nights yeah like this is the second night type vibe or like we could rally right if we got it yeah if we got a drink in us and then it's like okay maybe we can have a little bit more yeah really all i need to be prescribed is like what a whiskey and a drake song yeah i I'm like, oh, I'm back. I'm back. I'm back to back.

Speaking of shows, you know, we have three shows coming up in November. Yeah. And it is November. Yeah. Holy shit. The shows are in like two weeks. Less than that. Less than.

November 10th, we're at Muhlenberg College. November 11th, we're in philadelphia at the helium comedy club we just found out that 18 19 20 year olds can come yeah if they bring if they bring someone that's 25 and older and a 25 or older person can bring up to five people i think they said so i feel like between the people that have already bought because we've sold like 75 of the tickets already and we guarantee those people are 21 and over right so if you buy tickets and you're 18 to 21 odds are you can find someone in line and be like take me in will you didn't you ever do that for rated r movies or like hey can i just walk in with you because you have to be like accompanied by a 17 year old totally you could do that and if like have an older brother or a parent that can just like walk in with you then leave too yeah i mean

there's definitely at this point i would say like this is an 18 and over show i mean just find a 25 year old to bring you in that's not that hard that's going to be a good show that's going to be our first live podcast in philly and what's else is going to be an insane show is this brooklyn show the next night which is already sold out dude weeks ahead of time so excited that's homecoming and that's not even including the list of 30 people we have to bring i know i gotta get those those rosenberg boys in oh yeah big bear baby bear baby bear fuck it's your boy i was gonna mention that just their podcast because I was listening to it yesterday or two days ago when I was driving to Santa Barbara. To Innovation.

To Innovation. It's so funny. They are. They're reaching a rhythm. They're getting into a rhythm. Their show's got better structure than... I mean, we're on a fucking tangent. We haven't answered the question yet.

Their show is structured. It's funny. Dave is... He's having delusions of grandeur. Oh, yeah. We thought he was confident before he even had a podcast. And now that he has a somewhat successful one, Carnell can't quite even reign him in anymore.

Dave's head is in the clouds. It's amazing. If you've listened to the show, you know what you're talking about. And if not, check out, I think, the last three episodes is a good way to catch up on everything you need to know yeah it's dave jeff and mike carnell all childhood friends of each other and jakes um and the premise of the show is coming up with schemes dreams hustles and business ideas uh some of them are not even business ideas some of them are creatures i mean i don't want to spoil it too much don't spoil the no episode yes i am no or no i am

my favorite thing is just when dave says folks all right folks just reading the pitch off his iphone that's right, folks. He's a snake oil salesman. He truly is. Although that's giving him too much credit because snake oil would be the greatest idea he's ever thought of. We should go on their show when we're in New York. Yeah. Oh, this is, I'll pitch this idea to you. I have right now live.

Okay. Rather than like, well, we'll go on their show and then we release it as an episode of our podcast almost like a spin-off thing whoa so it's like episode that episode on the on monday whatever we we do like a two-minute intro yeah and then we say this the following is not an episode of if i were you it's an episode of twinnovation it's sort of like wow that's real promotion that's very that's in-depth cross-promotion it's forcing people who didnnovation it's sort of like wow that's real promotion that's very that's in depth cross promotion it's forcing people who didn't actually know about their show to listen to it exactly we really all right i have to think on that yeah that's fair i don't know if it's a

good idea which is why it's perfect for the show i have a great idea for a twinnovation up when you get on there yeah i have i've got two i I'm trying to decide which one. Actually, I have two ideas and one scheme. Oh. So, but I don't think I can pitch all three. Real quickly, we also have shows in December in the Northwest. So if you're in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, or Vancouver, tickets are for sale. All the ticket links are at ifireshow.com.

Come check us out. We were talking about podcasts. I just wanted to mention that we have a bunch of new shows on the HeadGum Network. Truth. We have a fantasy basketball podcast now. Oh, shit. I should look at my fantasy basketball team. You're in it. Yeah, dude. You're doing a fantasy

sport for the first time ever. My trade is about to go through. Commissioner Tim Baltz, UTK, who was on our episode a couple weeks ago, is in it. Jake is in it. Rick Fox. Kristen Ledlow. And a bunch of other funny comedians and friends of the family.

So if you're at all interested in the NBA. Fuck, I'm going to lose my matchup this week, dude. It's going to be a fun listen. What are you losing right now? What's the score? It's 3-6. Uh-huh. I'm winning in

alright this is it you've become this kind of guy free throw percentage I'm gone three points made lost sure

points dude fucking destroyed me yeah I've got to think of it I haven't started anybody since Tuesday the only thing I'm beating him on

are assists blocks and field goal percentage well you shouldn't have had the draft strategy to think of it i haven't started anybody since tuesday the only thing i'm beating him on are assists yeah locks and field goal percentage well you shouldn't have had the draft strategy of drafting only white people from yukon you only drafted white basketball players from yukon derone sheffers and your fantasy jake foschkel uh all right we should answer some questions fair enough uh myers leonard is the fucking problem yeah you drafted myers legend and he's he's been anything but since since you picked him up little bitch uh why don't we give this guy um an australian dude uh a name a fake name do you want to do hallow name. Do you want to do Halloween theme

or you want to do maybe Australian basketball player? Did you pick up Della Vadova on your team? I did not. Deli, I don't think he's actually any good. Well, he's playing all right now because frigging your boy Kyrie Irving is hurt. All right, well, we'll see. Deli writes, I'm a 19-year-old male from Melbourne

and last night I went to the strip club as a lone wolf for the first time after a long, tiresome day. I ended up talking to this 25-year-old smoke show for a couple hours, and our conversations would revolve around things like life goals, dating lives, issues with our current generation, etc., and everything was going quite swimmingly. Afterwards, it got pretty late, and I told her I had to leave soon as I had a uni exam the

next day. She then told me that she enjoyed our conversation and was intrigued by my modesty and friendly personality, since apparently her typical customers can't hold up a proper conversation and simply just want a lap dance. Anyway, I felt like it would be rude if I left without getting a lap dance from her, since strippers there have to pay for their work rather than being given an actual wage, so I ended up getting a private lap dance. However, at the end, when I was about to leave, A noble gentleman. When I was about to leave, she told me to add her on Facebook and told me her full name.

I added her later that night, and today she accepted my friend request, but neither of us has initiated a conversation yet. Now my question is, what do you think her intentions are? Is it just a business thing and she wants another dude to be a loyal customer of hers? Or does she actually have pure interest in me? Should I message her on Facebook first? She did mention at one stage that she would date a 19 year old, but so I'm not exactly sure what that was implying, hence why I'm writing you this email. Anyway, I'm looking forward to hearing your sound advice. Kind regards, Matthew Delvedova.

Okay, deli. Dude went to a strip club. I feel like this is like a weird thing that almost all guys have, which is like this desire to date a stripper, but then like when you actually come close, you're like such heavy skepticism about it right like such reservation but you still like go you dive headfirst into

trying yeah you might as well try like the the breakthrough connection conversation that happens at a strip club i think happens all the time right and you always are like oh i'm like not like the other guys no come to strip clubs yeah here right now and then you always have the hope you're like i know she's paid to flirt but i feel like she's actually into me yeah is that possible like i know yeah they're all flirty with everyone but i'm not like a gross weirdo i'm like a normal dude who came to the strip club by myself but there is a chance she did give him her give him her full name i think that's the rate they did add they did tell her to add him on facebook yeah and she accepted the friend request yeah i think that like this stripper probably avoids real life connections with people that she gives lap dances to right

like it would be one thing if she had like a facebook fan page or a twitter or something i don't know right i imagine that strippers would have to go to lengths sometimes hence having fake names right to like to avoid make yeah like a real life connection exactly because guys can be weird right so well does it really like do strippers have like is it when you get a haircut at a salon and somebody gives you their card and like you know we can do this outside the business hours i could just come over and give you a haircut do strippers do that is that like a thing where it's like oh now i have your direct line well i don't have to go to the strip club you can just come over give me a lap dance and leave well i think there's like a that exists where it's like oh if you like dancing with me

at the strip club you can pay me to fuck you you know but last week uh uh i got a massage for the first time oh that's that app yeah uh where it's like uber where you click a button and someone comes over and gives you a massage they will advertise on our podcast that's why i don't want to say their name yet uh but it was great and i'm wondering could you do that with lap dances what's the legality of somebody just coming over and dancing that happens all the time that's like what bachelor parties are right right so like what's to stop like why is there an illegal thing about having to go to a strip club does it have to be zoned for lap dancing like is there a structural integrity about having to go to a strip club? Does it have to be zoned for lap dancing? Like, is there a structural integrity that has to be met?

You can order dancers to come to your house. Can you? Well, I thought that's what bachelor parties are. I need a seamless web, an E24, a Grubhub, a Chow Now for lap dances. Not that I would use it, but i feel like that would be a good thing to have like you press a button and then it's a good idea but do you want to be the guy that invents it yeah you'd have to like go to vc meetings and like who's so like you know when chicks are all up dry i don't know i don't like you're a tucker max of yourself yeah yeah

is it legal one two i feel like people would use it and three if i was a millionaire because of it what would i tell people that was you remember when we hung out with the bang bros guys right and that was like they those guys like a long time ago had started like a link dump site for porn and they realized like how much more money they could make if they produced it right and they were like in dental school when they were doing it yeah and they were like so it's not illegal no it's just like do we want to be the guys that make a shitload of money off of porn and ultimately they did yes at least they did it well imagine doing it and not succeeding right like you paid you paid to make porn and then like nobody watched the porn that you made yeah that happens it's interesting i feel like if you make porn everyone will watch it it's a pretty easy way to get a viral video

has there been in this american life about the porn industry because i'm really confused about like i make a porn like how does it not just get lost amongst the infinite free porn like how do i get paid for my porn yeah like do you think since you're sort of a connoisseur do you think you could produce a porn that uh is so premium that people would pay for it definitely rifling through your notebook i mean right off the bat i have this like well i've got the domain fuck me finally right no somebody else took that well me and him are going to go, go, what would your niche be? Like high def,

high res, 60 frames per second. I mean, I guess like definitely there is a difference between premium porn and, um, free porn, right? Yeah.

I mean, but my stuff would, it wouldn't be like a, like a gimmick like that like oh i shoot it all like this i don't know you know it would just it would be subtle little things don't trivialize it by saying yeah i'll shoot it on a better camera it's not just about the camera yeah i mean like i would shoot it no guy noises that's what that's number one right off the bat isolated audio tracks you get to choose i mean i'm telling you these girls

they'll be they'd be wearing laughs yeah somewhere you know i can hide them i can hide them in the cleavage i can get a boom operator a fluffer i just don't want to hear the fucking guy you mean like the guy groaning yeah oftentimes like when you're watching like pov porn especially uh say doggy style where somebody's mouth is facing away from the mic and a guy is holding a camera and his mouth is really close to the mic yeah you're getting a lot of man noise to the point where occasionally somebody masturbating to said video may mute the video and play another video in the background of a different girl moaning. So you don't have to deal with the guy noise. Dual sensory tricerectomy. It's the art of convincing yourself you're nutting to the

actual audio of the video that you're dealing with. And I think there's... But it's true. I don't know how you'd get people to buy your porn. Yeah. I don't understand how it would work. You'd have to make a lot of it, right? But all of the porn sites are owned by three different companies. And do they charge? Yeah, they charge.

But also, I read that a lot of these porn sites that charge, like Brazzers or Reality Kings, all that stuff, They also own their own tube sites. So they're giving it away for free on the side. Yeah, but they're shorter videos. So a 12-minute video, which gets most people off, but every once in a while somebody's like, you know what, I want to see the 40-minute version. Then they pay for it. And I'm not just about to watch this 12-minute video

three times and call it a day. I need to watch 40 minutes of original context exactly so what would you say to this guy who wants to date a stripper what uh yeah i it sounds like you should just message her yeah what's the worst why don't you not set an expectations why don't you say i'm gonna see where this goes whether it's a client thing or a business thing or a friend thing or an actual romance thing he's doing a lot of speculating before he even like sends the first message stop speculating start masturbating that's an interesting interesting idea so you masturbate then you message her then you're clear of a sexual conscious mind you're thinking

clearly lucidly about what you need to say good call brah uh now that textjake.com is closed can you give this guy a suggestion about an opening message to send to this uh stripper um her name exclamation point which is something i almost always start out text with that means you're excited and you remember their name their name makes you excited so like say her name is kristen would you say her real name or her stripper name real perfect don't use the stripper name again uh kristen exclamation point yeah um it's me deli perfect we met last night i forget where but it was fun that's good it was fun getting to know you yeah it's a good joke yeah then it's like you're winking at the stirper thing but you're not ashamed of it and you're not necessarily bringing it up yeah that's like that's off the top

of my dome yeah so you know there it is for free there you go uh all right he's gonna bemo for you five bucks no i don't know if he'll do that you might well once we start this uh the lap dance to go app oh yeah what do you think oh lap app lap app perfect i mean you should have saved it for twinnovation me f fuck it uh all right that was yeah this is that's it what can we say go for it um don't don't you don't have to psych yourself out before anything happens walk into this thing with an open mind maybe you'll like her uh it's possible yeah you would date a stripper i feel like for sure um cool that was our two two-parter within one episode episode a little before and after

we had fun i think i think it worked out well. It was a nice Halloween. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, we start and end every episode with original theme song submissions. The opening one was from Nikki Richards. Remember the ukulele lady from Canada? Oh yeah, the Jason Mraz. Exactly. That was yesterday in our hearts, but just 40 minutes

ago in our minds. And this ending one is by Mitchell, and it's an Arctic Monkeys parody. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions facebook thumbnail submissions all of it goes to if i were you show at gmail.com if you live in the cities where we're where we're gonna come do our live shows we'll see you soon if not we'll be back on the airwaves on next week how's that sound perfect toda happy hallow. Happy Halloween. Happy November. See you guys soon. Adios. Adios. If I were you It's a podcast show For you To seize the cheese

On your tiny little knees My tiny little knees Yeah That was a HeadGum Podcast.