Segments - 183: Filet-o-Fish (w/Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: November 9, 2015

Friend and comedian Billy Scafuri joins us to discuss McDonalds, semen, and fighting. This episode is brought to you by Unroll.Me, ClubW, and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. each other in our studio. Bogdanao just wailed. Yeah. I did. Damn. You think he did that in a studio? We should have Bogdanao on the podcast. You haven't yet? Get out of here, Billy. Just call me Billy Bogdanao for the rest of the episode. Cool. Did I pronounce your last name correctly? Scafuri? Yep. Hard U. Uri. Scafuri. Yep. Scafuri.

Let's all say it together. Scafuri. Perfect. Thank you, Jake. Scaffolding. That's right.. Scaffolding. Perfect. Thank you, Jake. Scaffolding. That's right. William Scafoldi. You do come from a scaffolding empire. Is that correct? That's right.

Yeah. And whatever empire you come from, you are named for. Yeah. For example, my empire was the Blumenfeld, or in German, the flower field. Wow. Very interesting. That sounds like a cocaine empire. Yes.

It was a cocaine empire. it was a cocaine i was gonna say i'm also a butterfly why yeah why would you say that not why are you that why would you say that right now uh billy you're a comedian yes you're also the host of the fantasy football podcast on our head gum network two for Two for two, I'm here. What else have you done? How else would our fans know you? Or not know you? I imagine that many of them don't know me.

It's a big world out there. But for those who do, it's probably through Harvard Sailing Team, my sketch comedy team. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a big one. Yeah. Yeah. We've been together for like 11 years. And we've kind of performed at colleges and stuff and online and

all that nonsense one of the rare internet teams that predates jake and me really yeah i think so how old are you guys i am 41 okay you nine okay great this is gonna be a complicated question to figure out but um harvard sailing team just turned 11 that's definitely old for a comedy team everyone breaks up after five years um about five years ago we we did a sketch in New York where we were an audience. We played an audience at a Melissa Etheridge concert who didn't know the words to her songs, but they were still kind of into it. To celebrate Harvard Sailing Team's 11th anniversary, we're going to a Melissa Etheridge concert at Morongo this Saturday.

Wow. Wait, wait, whoa. You guys all still hang out together. Oh, we're still best friends. Casino Morongo? Never been there before, but we're going to see Etheridge We're buying the t-shirt Nine Etheridge t-shirts

Clumped together It's like near Palm Springs right? I don't know yeah I mean you always drive past Morongo To get to Vegas But we're going to go to this kind of second rate motel To see first rate Melissa Etheridge We won't know her words Just like the sketch we did

And also Come to my window that bass voice Melissa Etheridge yeah that lower octave oh that's great but then it's great songs but yeah that's about a concert it's like 25 songs right it's like going to uh I think a couple years ago I went to a Lit concert. Nice. And that's fucking dope. Like, My Own Worst Enemy. Yeah. Totally. The other one that they have. My Own Worst Enemy. You make me come. You know that one?

You make me complete. Yeah, you make me completely miserable. Completely miserable. Yeah. Great lyrics, but they do only have those two songs. Every song should do a band sharing program with other songs where they play their hits and then the hits of other like bands. Lit could have covered

some 41. Yeah. No, they could not cover Blink. There is but one of a tone. They're not part of the band exchange. But if like Melissa Etheridge started singing like, till the sun came

up over i was gonna say cheryl crowe yeah perfect same thing yep get a mclaughlin in there absolutely lisa lobe yeah sure anyone who was in little fair you know my one of my i guess not really embarrassing but i guess it was at the time my favorite song when i was like a 12 year old jewish boy for imagine me four foot two mushroom haircut big glasses bad teeth skin fine for now loving the shit out of uh sophie b hawkins as i lay me down to sleep no as i lay me yeah you would like that song i mean you probably still like that song. I still love it. Your music taste has not changed, dude. Your music taste has not changed. That is you. But why? What do I love?

Not only did I love that song, I bought the CD, which was just that song. Oh, you bought the single? Yeah, I bought a single CD. You know what runs adjacent to that? I grew up the same adolescent as you, and mine was, I think his name was Edward Hawkins or something, but his song was, and I'll be your shannon horror it's somebody edward sharp edward sharp yeah is that it is that who it is no i don't know no edwin sharp edwin i'll be your i'll be the time of your life love suicide i was that was my my uh me and my high school

girlfriends like that was our song. And every time that song came on, we would just like hold hands in the car, you know, loved it. Edwin McCain. Edwin McCain. McCain. John McCain's nephew. We were in the car and that song came on. We were like, we'd been fighting and that song came on.

And I slammed the radio off. And I was like, that's the coolest thing anyone's ever done. Our song is over. Everybody, if you're 18 and under, you have a song with a girl. And then you no longer have songs, right? No, I have songs with everyone. Really? You still have a song?

Yeah. You still have songs? I do not have songs anymore. Yeah, I don't have songs anymore. I was a much more fragile person sub-18, where a song would just shoot off so many emotional fireworks. And I was just like, you know the one person who did that to me? Adele, like three years ago. Yeah. She was just like, I so many emotional fireworks and i'm just like you know the one person who did that to me adele like three years ago yeah she was just like i was in a perfectly healthy relationship i'm still in that same relationship but hearing those songs i was

questioning everything everything have you heard her new song yeah it's really intense she's she just really she puts you in a place that you don't need to be in a relationship and she makes you question things that aren't there she's probably responsible for more breakups than i don't need to be in a relationship. It makes you question things that aren't there. She's probably responsible for more breakups than, I don't know, Iwo Jima. But she's also responsible for getting... I wonder if there's stats out there for that, Adele versus Iwo Jima. There's got to be some sort of Tumblr. Adele versus Iwo Jima Tumblr. Buy the domain now.

I don't care if this episode is sponsored by Squarespace or not. That domain's available. Adele versus Iwo Jima. Use our coupon code. Get creative. So, Billyy i don't know if you know but this is an advice podcast yes jake and i actually have the world's only advice podcast hosted by each other the first and only yeah the first and only jake and amir advice show there are no other jake and amir podcasts out there? None. Okay. Especially not advice podcasts. That's right. Very specific.

Yeah. Two guys named Jake and Amir from the football, from the NFL have a podcast, but it's not advice. Well, we started the fantasy football podcast and I'll keep this brief. I didn't know what the goal was. The goal now is to unite Jake and Amir, you two, with Joik and Amir, the running backs for the Detroit Lions. Oh yeah. I mean, people on our, wait, did we ever talk about it on our podcast? No, we haven't.ir the running backs for the detroit lions oh yeah i mean people on our wait did we ever talk about on our podcast no we haven't no the the two running backs for the detroit lions names are joik bell and amir abdullah correct their names are joik and amir i don't know what the four of you would do when you're in the same room but that's a picture we need to take yeah that's just the world's colliding it's us versus them yes and there's like a weird chance

that we're in a weird way like have more like uh internet famous than like joik bell and amir abdullah definitely more twitter followers 100 because they're not they're they're professional athletes and despite them they're more important but they're not very we have more online presence yeah sure yeah correct but if the apocalypse hit i'd rather be with joik and amir than jake yeah for what that's worth but if it was in true if you were like having to choose the best two running backs in the nfl they might not even be in the top 30 no definitely neither would mean jay don't don't don't trash talk because they may listen to this episode well they wouldn't be the top 30 because they'd be in the

top two yes dude i love that they would be the no that would mean that they're in just don't question it just don't The logic totally works. What if you were going to be stranded on a desert island? Would you rather be with Jake and Amir, us, or Joik and Amir, the running backs? I'd rather be with Jake and Joik. Really? I love that. Joik Bell and Jake Hurwitz.

Jakeandjoik.com. Just a little remix of the combinations, if possible. Yeah, we probably... That's a good combo, actually. I think the three of us would have a good time. Yeah, we would. But you guys have a podcast, and it's about advice. Yeah, yeah. So that's a good combo. I think the three of us would have a good time. Yeah, we would. But you guys have a podcast and it's about advice. Yeah, yeah.

So this is an advice show. We're getting real emails from real people to ifirateshow at gmail.com. We're going to read a couple of them, try to advise them out of their sticky situations. But what we need from you, William Scaffolding, is fake names to preserve their anonymity. Because we don't want to out them in the real world. Happily. Yeah. Happily.

This is just a guy dating a girl. Okay. Asking him to love her. This is Pat Happily. And he is Happily Pat. At gmail.com. Pat Happily. Which is Pat Caslis' nickname.

Pat Happily writes, Hey guys, I have an interesting problem. I started dating my smoke show of a girlfriend four months ago, and things have been perfect despite my being away at school. No fighting, we get along amazingly, and the sex is incredible. The problem started a week ago when I jokingly said something about masturbating before I came back to school, and she said that she wanted me to wait so that the sex would be better. Now, normally, I try to rub one out a few hours before we would have had sex to try to increase durability,

but I saved up anyways, and when I came home, she was right. The sex was awesome. The problem is, with the week-long buildup of semen, there was quite a lot when it came time for me to explode on her chest. Much to my surprise, she loved this and now wants me to stop masturbating entirely to maximize the amount of cum for the next time. The problem is I kind of masturbate a lot, like once every other day, and saving up for a week is incredibly difficult, let alone a month. Should I tough it out and make it more enjoyable for her? And if not, how do I tell her that I refuse and need to keep jerking it? On a real note, you guys are the best. Thank you so much for being that little beacon of light that helped turn the shittiest of days great. And you have helped me and so many

other people out in so much more ways than you know. I really needed to insert that last one. That was just for us. He didn't even write that part. Toe.love, Pat happily. Happily Pat. There's a lot of things in there. There's a lot to unpack. There's a lot to come. There's a lot to come to unpack.

A lot of ejaculate. Jake and I found this question about an hour before you got here, and then we got to doing a little bit of light research is your nutsack like a water balloon at a sink that will just grow infinitely the less you masturbate so like what is there a max what a perfect what a perfect visual is there a maximum he was in his room with a sketchbook for an hour. I think he was diagramming that thought. At a certain point, if you wait three days versus six days versus a month,

this lady thinks it'll just grow and grow until your body is just... One of those weird baboons with those weird red butts that hang out. Yeah, she thinks your entire body will overflow with cum if you never masturbate. Don't you see that happening to dogs like dogs with huge ass nuts that aren't uh i don't know maybe it just happened in uh

van wilder yeah maybe just maybe i'm just thinking about a dog with huge nuts uh or does semen like replenish after a day and then it plateaus after that now i'm no scientist but i think you answer every question like that just to keep all of my answers safe i asked you what the date was when you walked in and i'm no scientist but i think it might be november 5th but i'm no scientist that's wrong um i think that's why wet dreams exist what is the wet dream like i have no explanation why the wet dream happens wow so a wet dream is when your body is so overloaded with semen, it tricks you. It's like, let's wait till he falls asleep.

Exactly. Exactly. Like water coming out of a hole in a dam. It seeps out of your belly button or your dick. What do you mean? Sorry. Do you know where it comes out of and we're like if you so if you tourniquet your dick it'll just leak out of your nose when you're asleep it's an orifice

replacement surgery i feel like it's a real issue that you don't know which which hole you come out amir is very confused in the whole blowing your nose process he thinks that it's an orgasm every single time like when you sneeze it's a little bit one thinks that it's an orgasm every single time. Like when you sneeze, it's a little bit, one eighth of an orgasm. That's actually a good, a pretty good theory is like when you don't masturbate, you,

your body masturbates itself. Right. We were talking about how amazing it was. You just sleep masturbate. Yeah. I mean, a wet dream, I guess you like,

I, I think I like hump my sheets in a, when I'm having a wet dream. I wonder. It's another thing we talked about. How amazing would it be to see a time lapse of a guy tied up to his bed. So arm, arm, leg. I want a place to start.

You said that's another thing we talked about. How amazing would it be? Okay, this is my. I had nothing to do with this. This is your fantasy. This is my fantasy. Smish it out. So this guy's tied to a bag.

This is another thing that you talked about. Arm to top right, other arm top left, leg bottom left, other leg bottom right. He's an ex. Standard tie-up. Right. We tell him not to masturbate for a month or two months. This is you and Jake. Yes.

I have nothing to do with this. I am extracting myself. Then he's naked. And then I want to see a time lapse of a wet dream where this guy is borderline possessed by a sexual demon. He's also been tied up for weeks. He'll get a boner and start ejaculating without touching anything. It's just his eyes rolling back into his head and his dick would get hard and start splooging everywhere it would have to happen right what do you want me to

say to you right now you're freaking out what would you what do you need us to say to you coffee you're standing up i want you to say wow i want you to i want the room he'd be splooging everywhere i want you to say that that would be a very amazing thing to see a sight to behold i'm no scientist but i'd buy a ticket to the show i'd come i'd come that way you're not conducting the experiment i'm down to be the guy to be perfectly honest oh really yeah i would do it so this is how it could work out amir will tie you to the bed he will play the scientist and I'll be the guy behind the window. And you're not a scientist. We've already established that I'm no scientist.

Okay. So in the slight bit of research that we did, the main, I'd say 98% of the answers were about sperm. Because it's people looking to get pregnant. Can I masturbate and then impregnate my wife? Boring. I don't care about the science of it all. Yeah. The fact of the matter is the sperm accounts for a very small amount of the semen. Right. Yeah.

And they said the sperm starts to replenish. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I'm talking. The sperm starts to replenish like 19 minutes after you come. Yeah. And it like after what it was like two or three days, you're back. Right. Your sperm count. Back at a hundred and you can't go higher than that. For sperm count. Yeah. Semen, it was a harder Yahoo answer to get. Nobody knew what the fuck they were talking about. I mean, Yahoo answers, nobody knows what they're talking about anyway. That's half the joy.

It seems like nobody even cared about how much cum was coming out of their dick. Well, this is just from a Yahoo answers thread, which I can't stress is science fact. How long does it take for your testicles to fill with sperm? That's the question. Pretty simple. The best answer was sperm takes several weeks to mature. fact uh how long does it take for your testicles to fill with sperm that's the question pretty

simple the best answer was sperm takes several weeks to mature and then another person said it depends on the person and then somebody else said very very little amount of the sperm leader wise is ejaculated and then one of the person which was my favorite, eight years ago commented, who the hell knows this shit? Thank you. Why did he sign up for an account to comment that? Who the hell does know this shit? It's all a guess. That's the only real one.

That's the only real one on the internet. You got to have a real scientist on this show, like a biologist that can talk to us about semen. This is a simple experiment that people can do. Wait, Billy, are you a scientist? No, I'm no scientist. What else are you no? Just scientist just scientists oh you are everything else i'm just no scientist that's why i bring it up so much because people expect me to have all of the answers i'm just no scientist uh this is an experiment you can do at home oh well i think we established that we're gonna do it yeah you're gonna do it oh i'm not talking about the time lapse oh wet dream thing i'm

talking about masturbating into a cup. That's a GoFundMe that you're going to have. Yeah, that's a different Indiegogo that I'm setting up. Got it. That's a video podcast. Yeah. That's a video podcast. I'm talking about masturbate once every six hours for a day.

Right. Measure the volume. Okay. Masturbate once every 24 hours for a week. And measure the volume. Then masturbate every two days. Is it twice as much as every day? Is it four times as much as every six hours? I don't know if I want to be advising the kids who listen to our podcast

to be like ejaculating into vials. Well, it doesn't have to be a vial. It could be a measuring cup. Mom comes home, cleans the bedroom. Happily? Pat Happily. I saw this ejaculate on your desk. Mom, why do you call me by my last name?

Well, you know what, Mom? I am a scientist because this is me testing my hypothesis. This is me in each of these beakers. That's a tiny little bit of me and a tiny little bit of you, Mom. If you think about it, it's half your DNA. So you're making this weird right now, Mom. You're the pervert. Where's your ejaculate, Mom? Here's what I think this guy could do because I see that his girlfriend wants there to be a lot of splooge. And I don't think there's really a world where his girlfriend is looking at her chest and being like, Oh, it's a little splooge short this week. You're a little shy.

Yeah. Just like... I wouldn't say that you didn't masturbate in the last... Did you masturbate three days ago? Right. Like, you can... And there's no need to refuse the proposition. Because she's like, don't masturbate for an entire month and we'll see how good it is.

I mean, can you imagine that? That oil derrick explosion. If you enjoyed this... Windows will explode. If you can handle a week, I think he's good. Just a week. And you don't have to refuse the girlfriend. Just abstain from masturbating handle a week, I think he's good. Just a week. And you don't have to refuse the girlfriend. It's a white lie.

Abstain from masturbating for a week. It's a clear lie. That's what it is. What about the bigger issue of this girl telling this guy not to masturbate? Isn't that a baddie? Yeah, but I think that's more like... We have lots of girls that write in and tell their boyfriends not to masturbate. Why is that?

I think that's some subtext of a lot of relationships. It's like, let's not talk about it. But like, I prefer if you were going to be sexual, be sexual with me. But not even by yourself. Yeah. I don't think anybody is that comfortable with the other person masturbating.

Like I've never had a girlfriend that was like, oh yeah, jerk off as much as you want. But like, I would never ever share my masturbating habits with my significant other and be like, am I masturbating too much? Should I only be masturbating the pictures of you that's just so private yeah sometimes it helps to have those little secrets yeah yeah that's like when you're and like when you're in a long-term relationship masturbating is the last secret you have right like that's the last moment of solid

poisoning and made much more disgusting visuals and and yeah's, it's your last little bit of corner of privacy. Right. Which is why I think it's okay to lie about masturbating. Like if it's something it's, it's true. She shouldn't care if he masturbates, but it sounds like she cares about it being like a mutually good sexual experience for both of them.

Yeah. Like if you don't, it's not like she's, but why is it better for her? But what if it's a power? Because what if it's a power move and she just wants to see what she can limit him to do oh so it's like don't do this thing yeah just to see sacrifice that's what she gets off on yeah exactly she masturbates to the thought of him not masturbating she's a cuckold yeah she's just at home like

flicking her bean at the thought of him reading a mad magazine on a couch doing the fold-in fucking gets her off well mad magazines could still be pretty sexy yeah i used to jerk off to mad yeah the little space in between alfred e newman's front teeth just like imagine like titty fucking that if you hold that back page just right you can see a nipple the fat fold-in is actually a dick i think it's okay because she's not saying don't masturbate because I should be the only thing that makes you cum. She's saying don't masturbate so we can have really intense sex. I think what she doesn't necessarily know is if he waited a month, the intense sex would last two and a half seconds. Intense two seconds.

Yeah. So I think this guy knows his body well enough to be tempering it like, okay, we can make the sex very intense, but I can also maybe have, I can have a little bit of a reserve. I don't need to have like a full overflowing reservoir. I don't need 30 days. Can't he just like masturbate every day and then take two days off? Probably. Right. I'm curious what the difference between 30 and like call it four days off.

Right. Probably not. I want to see the line graph, the curve. Where does it plateau? Also to me, sex and masturbating, they're so different than even if I was like masturbating every day for a month and then I got to have sex, I would still feel like it was very intense. Yeah. Yeah.

Especially if you haven't had sex in a month. Yeah. A month, like masturbating and sex are totally different to me. I could have sex and then go home and masturbate and what did you once say the masturbating is what to a meal like sex is a meal and masturbating is shitting oh yeah that's how different they are that's not what i that's not what i said though i don't know i said if if sex is a really good meal what is masturbating and then you said it's taking a crap was it did it because it feels good and it has something to do with food oh but it's not even like it's not snacking by yourself it's taking a crap was it did it because it feels good and it has something to do with food

oh but it's not even like it's not snacking by yourself it's like the fish filet at mcdonald's where it's like yeah you ate it and it was fine and i guess it filled you up for a second but like 10 minutes later you're like why did i do that oh masturbating is way better than a fish filet yeah i've never gotten the fish filet that was the wrong example that is the weird you you really know a lot about someone if they they've had the filet. That's true. Because it's not just getting a filet-o-fish, it's preferring it to every other thing. Oh, I always get the filet-o-fish. Yeah. That's what you want.

You go to McDonald's and you want the seafood. That trumps any label about that person. Any interesting quality about them suddenly goes out the window. I don't want a fried chicken sandwich. I don't want a quarter pounder. If you like the filet-o-fish, I don't know if I've ever, I feel like if you like the filet-o-fish, you have to order it by yourself. did you get there you can't like go to become that person if all of us went to mcdonald's and you're like i gotta i'll get a big mac like i'll get chicken nuggets like

oh i'll just get the filet-o-fish everyone would be like hey why'd you come with us to mcdonald's get out of here greg you wanted seafood you wanted a cod filet-o-fish is something you get alone in the drive-thru what's in the batter what's in your what's in? Filet-O-Fish is something you get alone in the drive-thru. What's in the batter? What's in your Filet-O-Fish batter? What's on the sandwich? Isn't it like a tartar sauce and a pickle? That's like why people like it. Hey, you know what, dudes?

After this, let's all go get Filet-O-Fish. I think I'd be violently sick if I had fish. Okay. We're going to tweet a picture, everybody. That's a great idea. Have you ever seen somebody order a Filet-O-Fish? I've never. I've been to I don't go. I haven't been to McDonald's in a long time, except when we went kind of during the Smile Time visit and I ate your fries.

That's right. But no. But if you guys all want to get Filet-O-Fishes after this, I'm down. I'm on record right now as saying that Billy Snort is hat in the ring. He would eat a Filet-O-Fish if you guys eat a Filet-O-Fish. Have you ever had a Filet-O-Fish? Never in my life. Have you ever had a Filet-O-Fish?

No. Have you ever had a McRib? No. Have you ever had a McRib? I. Have you ever had a McRib? I had one bite of a McRib. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten in my whole life. That's funny because I love the McRib. It's so fucking funny.

Is McRib season? No. Isn't that a seasonal treat? It is a seasonal treat. Come on. It is a gourd. It is a squash. Let's go to McDonald's.

We'll get a Filet-O-Fish. This episode is already going to be called Filet-O-Fish. Seriously. We'll get one. We don't all have to eat. We'll each take a bite of a Filet-O-Fish. Okay. Will you take a bite to eat. We'll each take a bite of a Filet-O-Fish. Will you take a bite? I'll take a bite. Can you imagine eating seafood from McDonald's?

It seems like such a fun good idea to me now. We are going to be in a drive-thru at McDonald's eating a Filet-O-Fish in a bit. Two things. One, yes, I'm in. Two, I listened to your Halloween episode a few weeks ago. Didn't you guys have a pre-Halloween and post-Halloween binge to it? I'm just saying, now you're doing it with fish.

Whoa. Battered McDonald's fish. That is not a bad idea. This is a new thing for the podcast. You know who I know loves the Filet-O-Fish, and I don't mind throwing this person under the bus, but do you know who? No.

Streeter. Streeter? Yeah. Because he loves seafood. No. Yeah. Streeter loves food in general. He thinks Filet-O-Fish is seafood.

He would call it seafood. I would. I call it seafood. It's a chicken sandwich. It's amazing. It's interesting, though, because Streeter loves food in general. He thinks Filet-O-Fish is seafood. He would call it seafood. I call it seafood. It's a chicken sandwich. It's interesting, though, because I feel like Streeter likes burgers more than seafood. Right. And yet here we are. I bet he, yeah.

All right. Filet-O-Fish. So what are we telling this person? I think he can get away with it. Get the Filet-O-Fish. Get the Filet-O-Fish. I think he can get off with, get off literally, you know what I'm saying? He can masturbate, you know, a week before he goes home.

Like this, because he's already said this time the sex was awesome. Like it'll do this from now on. White lies are perfectly fine sometimes. Yeah. And especially when they're semen white. Just a liquid white lie. Have you guys ever used the word smoke show before? We have on the show, yeah.

Oh, that's phrased by you guys. Yeah, smoke show smoke show before we have on the show oh that's that's phrased by you guys yeah smoke show sorry do not be familiar with your cat we actually took that you should have we told you to listen to every episode before you got here i know what is this 183 yeah 115 plus halloween uh should we answer another masturbation question or should we like deviate from that and then come back to it later my call yeah your call let's leave the masturbation arena and see what else is out there okay we'll come back so this one is about see where masturbation promise this one's just about female masturbation then uh no no this one has nothing to do with masturbating great uh

give this guy oh no you know what this guy gave himself a great name and i'll say it at the end beautiful this just it's a dude this just happened to me literally an hour ago i was working at my job in retail and a trio of girls walked by for the moment being i paid them no mind a few minutes went by and they came up to me and asked me uh where something was i told them and then went back to my work a few more minutes go by, and they do the same thing, and I do the same. The third time's the charm, as one of them came up and asked for my number. Dumbfounded, having never had this happen to me before, I panicked and gave her my number instead of a fake or just downright refusing her. Now here's my dilemma.

This girl isn't particularly attractive, and to be honest, neither am I. So I'm asking, you dapper gentlemen, whether or not I should bone this crone. I'm not sure this will ever happen to me again. I'm a virgin, and I'm 17 years old if that changes

anything. Sincerely, Borf. That's gotta be his real name borf sincerely borf that may be the name of the episode shit should we all go to mcdonald's and order a borf from the secret menu a filet-o-borf isn't the filet-o-fish on a patty or sorry on a bun that doesn't exist on any other sandwich oh like i imagine it on like this is where all of our questions will be answered what bun doesn't have any sesame seeds on it except for the filet-o-fish i choose to believe it's the lowest ranking bun and they were like put it with the lowest ranking sandwich meat

filet-o-fish i'm so excited to have a filet-o-Fish. Oh, I just pulled up a photo. There's a slice of American cheese on it. What? On the fish? Who doesn't melt cheese on a fish? That's the Filet-O-Fish? McDonald's is hoping you only taste the cheese. Oh, my goodness. And look at this bun.

The plainest bun you can possibly have. It's almost pure white. And this is like, that's the stock photo. That effort went into making that look good. Like, that's not the Filet-O-F, that's the stock photo. That like effort went into making that look good. Like that's not the Filet-O-Fish we're going to get. Yeah, that's color correct. In Glendale. It is all tan.

It's all tan everything. It's the same color from bun to meat and back. It's funny that we just read another question, but are not even attempting, like we're just, we just knew it was time to answer another question, but we did not want to stop talking about Filet-O-Fish. If you're unattractive, do you become attracted to unattractive people?

Unattractive, so relative. That's true. You shouldn't label yourself that and you shouldn't label someone else that. That's very nice of you. Because within five minutes of talking to someone, of like real authentic conversation, they look completely different. Wow, that's a really good theory. Yeah. It's completely untrue, but that's really interesting.

Yeah, like what if they're a real dog? Yeah, like if they're actually ugly. Yeah, but like real meaningful conversation, you're talking to a real meaningfully ugly person. That's beautiful. That's true. Because they have to be good conversationalists because they're so downright ugly.

And if you close your eyes, everyone's beautiful. Well, evolutionarily speaking, right? Like, don't you have to lower your standards to find a mate so you can procreate? Like, isn't there something hardwired into our monkey brains that would be like, yeah, oh, I can't get with this like leader of the pack. So I'm like, I set my sights lower. Right. And lower and lower.

And lower still. But I think there's always like, you're always trying to get out of your league. But maybe there's just sort of like your base gets lower would you rather date someone who's so much more attractive than you that it's like a weird thing that everyone's like 100% look why is that guy with her yes because that's going to end but the time that it's alive is gonna be great beautiful a shooting star and what's the other option a not meaningful soulmate connection with somebody yeah someone that you see like that somebody who gets you down the road that's down the road yeah yeah i'll retire then and this and this 11 does she have a perfect ass yeah of course oh my goodness and i can see her

naked whenever i want yeah yeah dude yeah dude what is there there's another option i i guess it's yeah kill myself, I hope. So should this guy just go for it? Yes, of course. He's just judging her on physical appearance right now. But if he already sees himself as unattractive, then this person may very well make him feel attractive by being kind to him and showing him love. Roll the dice, dude.

First of all, what's a crone? He said boneless crone. I just don't know what a crone is. He's probably a bad, an ugly person. Is it just a rhyme that he made up, though, or is crone like a real... What is crone possibly short for? Yeah, I'd like to know.

Maybe she has crone's disease. Before I weigh in too much. Crone, an old woman who is... An old woman who is thin and ugly. Rude. She has to be old, thin and ugly. There's a word for three adjectives. He really knew his vocabulary to describe this woman. You're a crone. No, I'm only old and ugly. I'm very fat. I'm thick.

It's like a character in folklore, you know, like the old spindly lady. Yeah, sure. Stregonona. That like curses somebody. Yeah. She'll often curse you thin and old. So, well, one, I don't think that he can necessarily have sex with this girl right away. Right. That's a bit presumptuous.

She gave him her number and for him to say, should I fuck this ugly girl? What she was saying was, meet me at Auntie Anne's. Let's get a pretzel. Oh, that sounds so much better than the filet-o-fish we're gonna have can we let she's saying like hey do you want to get to know me you want to date me and it sounds like he's a virgin he's he has doesn't it very least doesn't have any experience with this dating so you might as well like see what's up right then i guess on the flip side is like if you are a virgin and you want to have sex with

someone maybe he just should not text her and try to find somebody that he wants to fuck right and it's also about experience it sounds like this is the first time he's ever received a phone number it's like why not ride that wave for a second as opposed to shutting the door and then just saying no that wasn't good enough for me yeah it's like keep the door open see what it is and you'll have that much more experience flirt and text and date and do all that stuff because right now the very least the stakes are low you don't want to like get that number that you really don't want to fuck up and then you're like uh-oh i don't know how to text or what to do totally and you want to have comparative analysis for any single relationship so it's like if you have a bunch behind you you've learned something inevitably why you broke up why

you weren't happy in it whatever it is is if you just say no at the gate every time you're not going to get anything out of it have you do you have an example of saying yes or no to something that you can share with us in any way have you ever said begrudgingly yes because you're like oh maybe i'll like it um almost any single job i take in the comedy realm starts off as a yes i'll do that and then the second i get on set and have to dress up like a wacky mad scientist or like a gift box. So you are a scientist. Just in acting. I'm not a scientist. No, I guess that in like relationships, I find, this is the thing that I teach you in comedy and improv and at UCB,

is to always say yes. The second you say no, you just shut off so much more opportunity. And it just makes it much more, you lose all the periphery in your life. You know, you start just living a very like narrow-minded life. And I've kind of been raised with the say yes at first. And the second it starts feeling wrong, then allow yourself to say no. But if you say no out the gate, then you have no idea. There could have been so many interesting things behind that door, you know?

So no, I don't have a specific example, but I would encourage everyone to be brave and say yes at first. I like that lifestyle. Be brave, say yes. That's kind that lifestyle be brave say yes that's kind of nice i like that i like the i am brave yeah yes and the second it's bad that's no no no no i'm a coward i'm a coward yep do you that that's what you should say to her face she's like do you want to go out sometime and you should take a deep breath and go i am brave yes i only date crones Well good luck Borf Yeah

Alright Let's take a quick break Thank a few other sponsors And then we'll be right back with Billy Great Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show Heyo DraftKings The NFL is back

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah.

It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know,

that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

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coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right. Billy, what is it like being the commissioner and host of a fantasy football podcast? It is. At first, I didn't know what I was getting myself into because fantasy football is kind of fun on its own.

You might not need to talk about it every single week on a podcast. But I will say that it has been a really fun and rewarding way to keep in touch with people you otherwise wouldn't. It has been a really fun challenge for me to become a better host and to see what it takes to run an interesting podcast. I think the worst podcasts are ones that aren't bad, but boring. Where after a few minutes, you're like, I'm just want to turn this off. Right.

And so I- You realize you've been zoning out. Exactly. Where it's just a wash of sound after a while. So it's been a really fun and interesting test for me to try and find ways

of keeping it energetic and successful. And it's been really rewarding. I really appreciate it. Thanks for letting me do it. Of course. I got back into fantasy this year to be on the podcast.

And I was like, ooh, I'm going to take it easy. I'm not going to get as into it. But then I got entirely, 100% into it. Addiction is real. I'm in the league. Pat Castles is in the league. That's right. A bunch of other of our friends, George Basil, you.

Me. Who's in first place? Billy is. I am. Really? Yeah. Commit. Oh, wait.

Who has the most points? I do. I'm yours in fourth. I didn't say that. And he's in first place? Billy is. I am. Really? Yeah. Commit. Oh, wait. Who has the most points? I do. I'm yours in fourth. I didn't say that. And he's in fourth. But that is the fantasy life that I lead. Yeah. But I would encourage people to check it out.

If you're not into fantasy football, at times it may be a little over your head. But ultimately, the people in the league are very captivating and interesting people. And they all make for a good listen. So you'll find interesting things outside of football. But if you are a football fan, we do speak your language. Yes, it's a great, like, these are friends, funny people talking about football and fantasy specifically. Right. Because we don't pretend to be experts at fantasy football.

We are people who are enjoying it and talking about it with a little bit of insight. There are no experts. There are just people who play it a lot. That's right. And read Roto World. That's right. You're totally right. I agree. And you're in who play it a lot. That's right. And read Roto World. That's right. Yeah. You're totally right.

I agree. And you're in the top 1% already. That's it. Yeah. So call me commish. So if you know who Sharkandrick West is, I think you'd like the podcast. Perceived. Yeah, you're right.

And that's on the HeadGum network, headgum.com. Yep. And oh, and on Twitter, HeadGumFFL, right? Correct. Very nice. Check it out. Have you ever been to philadelphia yes we're going to philadelphia this week when this podcast comes out on monday we'll be there on wednesday nice have you guys been to philadelphia uh yeah i believe our first live show ever was

in philly that's true at um lasalle las. Nice. We were so nervous. That was our first ever like travel show. College show. Because I think we did one at that like cupcake thing. Oh yeah. And down at some place in New York.

Yeah. I forget where it was. Some place in the Lower East Side. Yeah. How big was that show at LaSalle? Do you remember like just generally said as big as your shows are now?

Oh, it was huge. Wasn't like a lot of people? 400 people came. It was like a college humor live show. I think John Mulaney was on it. It was an amazing, it was John a people came it was like a college humor live show i think john mulaney was on it it was an amazing it was john mulaney dan levy and christian finnegan and us sure and and two 24 year olds that didn't know what they were doing

but i bet the crowd wanted to see you guys the most that's a good question i don't know you guys what did you guys go last uh we did not headline we did it yeah Yeah. Yeah, Mulaney headlined. And man, he's, God, this shit's so funny. I know, it's incredible. But that was the first, we like, there were people after the show

that wanted our picture and that was fucking crazy to us. Yeah. It was great. Harvard Sound Team just did a show at University of South Carolina a couple weeks ago or maybe a month ago or something.

And when we were taking pictures with the kids afterwards, I saw a poster of both of you guys on the wall from when you guys had performed there. Oh, shit. And I sent it to Amir and he goes, huh, I didn't know we performed

at University of South Carolina. Did you? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Go Gamecocks. That was, we went to the beach. It's near the beach, right? Let's say, yeah.

We were there for a day. I got a Mustang. Remember that? That was that? It wasn't UNC Wilmington when you got a Mustang? Oh, shit. Was it UNC Wilmington? Never mindton i played against the university of south carolina um in rugby about eight years ago maybe 10 years ago no definitely more than that like probably 12 years ago and um two things one

they still had the confederate flag over the state capitol super weird to see yeah it wasn't weird to anyone else except me we've moved past that and uh, on the field, I got into a bit of a pushing match with this dude from University of South Carolina, and he called me a Yankee. Wow. And he just said Yankee. Like, that was, like, going to hurt my feelings. And you were really proud of that fact. Who cares?

Yankee? Well, that's the best thing you could be. A Northern. Yeah, right. We won the war. You follow our lead. Yeah. So that's my University of South Carolina.

You asked me about Philly, and I told you about University of South Carolina. You played rugby? What's for college? Yeah. I played rugby for three years, and then I transferred to be a music major, and they made me stop doing rugby because I would break my fingers. What school? This was at Hofstra.

You were a college rugby player. Yeah. So I played a couple of years at the small school Towson in Maryland. Oh, yeah. And then I went to Hofstra when I started interning at SNL. So I had to move back to New York. And so then I went to Hofstra. It's funny because you are the strongest person I know right now.

Right. And you're saying you were even bigger in college. Yeah. I weighed like 25 more pounds. And it was just muscle. Yeah. How much do you weigh now? 182.

I was about 205. Jesus Christ. But it was like goon. do you weigh now 182 i was about 205 jesus christ but it was like i can't imagine more muscly if you have you ever seen a picture of that like muscly dog on the internet it's like it's like a like a pit bull or something has like big muscles in weird places it was like that kind of guy where did you where do you where do you think you lost that 25 pounds my shoulders my shoulders literally touched my ears my mom has lots of pictures of that because she was fascinated. She's like, what is happening with my son right now? How did you do that?

How did you gain 25? Because what were you like in high school? Were you closer to now or closer to now? Yeah, like probably 170. But we had seven meal days. So they would give us seven meals a day. We would have like practice once or twice a day. And they would just try and pound us.

And all of our meals were like, they'd be like always 40 grams of protein in every single meal be like cottage cheese two eggs a banana and like some sort of sugary thing and you'd have that like a 10 1 4 7 10 and 1 again so by the end of the day we're just like fucking ready to throw up no because we were playing rugby for two hours and then working out for another two hours so it's just like by the end of it i was just like a kind of like a maniac you know it's like you're a machine yeah food is just gasoline for your body it was all fuel and then we'd play the naval academy one time we played the nation of samoa in rugby so it's like you needed you literally needed every pound were you were you the biggest guy on your team no i was so i was the wing which is like the fast guy on the team so there was dudes on my team who

were 260 pounds 280 pounds and then there's dudes of course on the team. So there was dudes on my team who were 260 pounds, 280 pounds. And then there's dudes, of course, on the other team who are that much weight. How tall are you? Six foot four? No, six feet. Really? Flat. I don't know why you just...

You're the second person who asked me if I'm six feet four. That's so great. My friend's girlfriend just asked me that. So Jake is taller than you, but because you're so fit, you just appear to be the perfect height, six foot four. I'll take it so i should oh dude i want to fucking get jacked like that what is it what did you say you ate an egg i'll eat an egg right now i'll get cheese into my mouth not working out at all doing a

push-up dude billy i'm 208 i think i'm i think it's all in my ass dude what happened what's rugby wide leg jeans. Everything changes. He's just eating Filet-O-Fish nonstop. He's wearing a rugby shirt. Am I Jack Demir? Am I Jack? My heart hurts.

God, that's awesome. That was a good time in my life, though. That was really fun. Did you ever get injured? Yes. One time I thought I broke my arm, but I had just kind of displaced my elbow for a second, but it popped back in. That was gnarly.

But the rugby team got into a fight with the football team once. Whoa. Which is totally like, if you've ever seen that video online where it's like the Battle of Kruger, where it's just like the crocodiles fight the buffalo and then out of nowhere, like the mountain lions show up and it's just literally two massive groups of men faced off against one another because- Where? Just like in a field somewhere?

On the street. It was the day after Halloween, on Halloween night. That's almost like, this must be the anniversary. This was, oh yeah, we're right around that time. Yeah. This was one of the scariest days of my life. I've had a couple of really scary days. This was one where I was like,

this might, people might die here right now. It was pretty wild. But someone threw a glass bottle across the street, just missed us. And my friend at the time, who was playing rugby and very aggressive just charged that group and just started a fight, like a huge physical fight. And so I ran in to just try and start pulling guys off. And that's always the guy who gets blindsided.

So they broke my nose and gave me a concussion in one punch. So the next day, I'm living at the rugby house and I'm just like comatose when all of a sudden we get a rap on our door and i can't go downstairs because i can barely like move my eyes left to right and someone opens it up and then you just see him walk back up the stairs and he just looks in our bedroom and says it's the football team and it was on dude it was it was really seriously scary and there was like weird racial things involved so that's when you want to be 205 pounds in situations you have to get out of bed to go down to the- I couldn't.

So I was so, this was my second concussion in a very short amount of time. I couldn't, literally couldn't move my eyes left to right without vomiting. So the best I could do was look out my bedroom window at just like the growing number of pickup trucks that were parked illegally on our street that like did not care about traffic law right now.

It was so wild. So what ended up happening? The two captains poetically met in the middle. They literally walked outside of their groups and met in the middle. They talked through every single thing. The football team had claimed that there was like racial epithets involved

and all this kind of stuff. And I was kind of the pet on the team because it was obvious that I was going to be the comedian. Like of all these really aggressive dudes, they kind of protected Billy. And when Billy got hit, they were just ready to, they wanted to fight anything in sight. And so long story short, it was very peaceful. You can keep this story as long as you want.

So it was very peaceful. And that day ended. Like two weeks later, though, I walked, I was walking through campus. It was about a couple of days after the fight that I could kind of get my eyes back together and walk through campus again. I saw the other dude who had did it to me he was on the football team he was wearing football gear and he had a black eye and he was missing teeth and i hadn't been to practice rugby practice for like a week i go back to rugby practice the following week because i actually went home to new york and when i came back it turns out that they had jumped the kid

at a bar and just teed off all over him. For you? For me, yeah. And they didn't even tell you? No, no one even, because I went home to New York. And so as soon as I went to campus and I saw him, I was like, oh, this is weird. And we didn't like look at each other or anything. So did you feel bad for that kid? Or were you like, yeah, that's what you get? No, yeah. I was playing rugby at the time.

It was very fight oriented. Everything was like fight forward. And so it was just like, yes, like my brothers have my back. This is awesome. We had the opposite college experience. So when I was 19, I weighed 104 pounds. I made slideshows with my friends and nobody had very much more than slapped me ever, even as a joke. Well, then I transferred to the music department and suddenly I couldn't play rugby anymore because I would break my little fingers.

That's what they said. Wait, what music did you play I was a piano major I was a creative writing and piano double major and then you were just also getting into so will you play the piano I can I can yeah I could play it much better then I can fake it now wow that's so funny you're so muscly exactly I know this is Jake on a date You're so jacked dude That's awesome Can I tie you to a bed And see if you come in a month Man It's my friend Amir's idea

I swear I would I would I would feel bad If we didn't at least mention That we're also going to Muhlenberg College Oh

So this week We're doing three shows William Let's hear it Wednesday No Tuesday Tuesday

At Muhlenberg College Where is that That's tomorrow When this episode comes out That is tomorrow Right This week we're doing three shows, William. Let's hear it. Wednesday. No, Tuesday. Tuesday. At Muhlenberg College. Where is that? That's tomorrow. When this episode comes out, that is tomorrow. Right. At Muhlenberg College. Very exciting. So this episode comes out.

That's a hometown show for me, by the way. Hell yeah. Really? I didn't know you're from Allentown. Well, it's a homecoming show in a way because I went to college there. Nice. Well, you dropped out of college after eight months. We'll talk about this during the show.

So Monday. And I didn't drop out i failed out monday the 9th accusation they dropped me i wasn't allowed to come back oh wait this show at muhlenberg is tuesday the 10th next day we're at helium comedy club in philadelphia that show might be sold out might be not by the time this reaches if you're under 18 there's a loophole where you can get in if a 25 year old brings you in and you can drink if a 25 year old brings you in then 18 year olds can drink

and if you're 21 and over you're good to go that show's Wednesday 11-11 and then Thursday our show in Brooklyn is sold out but it's going to be a fun one you might release more tickets I heard keep your eye on that I don't know if it's true where in Brooklyn? Williamsburg that's the other home don't know if it's true. Where in Brooklyn?

Williamsburg. That's the other homecoming show for me. It's called the Hall at MP. Is that the Music Hall of Williamsburg? It's not the Music Hall of Williamsburg. It's on Driggs instead of North 6th. Okay. I don't know where. Oh, that's going to be great, you guys. Go back to Brooklyn. Oh, the air is the best in Brooklyn.

The people are the most beautiful in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is great. That's where our podcast started. Brooklyn in Brooklyn. The people are the most beautiful in Brooklyn. I know. Brooklyn is great. I fucking love Brooklyn. That's where our podcast started. Brooklyn, Brooklyn. Really? Yeah. It's true.

183 episodes ago, you guys did the same exact thing in Brooklyn. And now we're back. That's amazing. So hopefully we'll get to see people there. Awesome. As for this episode, do you have time to answer one last question? Perfect. Let's do it.

Let's do it. We need a guy's name. Patrick Mayonnaise. Wow. Patrick Happily and Patrick Mayonnaise. The Patrick brothers. Patty Mayonnaise brother. My sister is 31 and engaged to her boyfriend of almost two years.

I know she loves him, and I think he's a cool guy, too. They are both very religious, and I'm certain that they haven't had any sort of sexual interaction they're saving themselves for marriage here's the room stored up in that guy here's the wrinkle yeah can you imagine not masturbating for 31 years that's another big water balloon he's gonna get a paper cut and just fucking like a spigot shoot things just like floating around your body it can come out your belly button, your eyelid. A slit in your finger. Here's the wrinkle. Your skin only exists to keep the cum in.

It's a water balloon of cum. Sorry, go ahead. Here's the wrinkle. The other day I played tennis with my brother-in-law to be. After the game in the clubhouse changing room, I saw his penis. The penis as yet unseen by my sister. Very bad news. A prox one inch limp. I can't. A Prox one-inch limp.

I can't imagine it being more than three inches hard. Size may not matter, but this is extreme. I want my sister to have a fulfilling marriage. I want to tell her so that she can drop this baby man. Should I? Love, Patrick Mayonnaise. Yo, I think... Okay, do you guys want to go first?

I'm feeling a little hostile. Yeah. Billy just punched quick. Fight forward. okay do you guys want to go first I'm feeling a little hostile yeah fight forward one quick point that I want to make is that I think no matter what you told your sister about the size of her husband to be's penis she's not going to break up with him yeah imagine

you're not going to stop the marriage so you might as well not bring it up that's a very good place to start there's other reasons not to say anything and I'll let Amir or you take over and breaking up. So you're not going to stop the marriage. So you might as well not bring it up. That's a very good place to start. There's other reasons not to say anything. And I'll let Amir or you take over. If you're feeling, are you cooled down? Yeah, I'm cooled down.

I think that that took the edge off of what I was going to say. Which is what? Every relationship will transcend sex at some point. Any meaningful, long-lasting relationship will transcend sex for some, for you know over time so it seems like a lot of these questions are always about like the jump start this the immediate the sexual like yeah he has a small penis this could this might not work you know we're like she gave me her number in the mall this this why would this work right it's like i think that like i need to store

all my cum right like this is this might not work i think that you have to think about relationships from a real macro take a step back point of view uh-huh which is when when it's love not lust it's clearly this relationship has been love not lust for the first two years that they haven't had sex yet true so if you if you see something that you shouldn't have seen if you had a small penis a huge penis you have to assume that there's much more to this relationship than that that they've got it all figured out. There's a huge chance that he already confided in his wife to be that his dick's really small. Right.

But I would also mention that many people are growers, not showers, and an inch-long penis very well could stretch to a six-inch-long penis. Okay, then. Like, he might be fine. So, yeah. You don't know enough because you saw, like, he saw his girlfriend's

his sister's boyfriend's flaccid dick and he feels like he's got this duty all the information he has to suddenly bring this to her yeah it's not true necessarily yeah i don't know about one and six but perhaps this was a two incher and that can grow to five you gotta think about it too like when you sometimes after you exercise your dick shrivels up a little bit your nuts get really especially if it's cold out yeah they're playing outdoor tennis and then surrounded by like if he's got a lot of pubic hair it might look small inside there you know like he didn't inspect the dick as much as he might like to think that's that's a good point and i wonder he could have had nine inches of pubic hair and maybe a nine inch ten inch penis yeah it's like the question is how long was the pubic hair?

That's what I would ask Patrick Mays. There are times that I would not want... Oh, wow. Okay, so it's a nine inch penis. My advice would be to shave the pubic hair and he's got an anaconda in his pants. Remove the thicket. He's just seeing the part of the snake

that's coming out of the butt. That's just the one that's peeking out. There's a whole body to that animal. It's an iceberg. You can't be like, that's a one inch iceberg. No. That's what I'm saying. That's just the one that's peeking out. Yeah. There's a whole body to that animal. It's an iceberg. You can't be like, that's a one-inch iceberg. No, it's a 20-inch iceberg. The majority of the iceberg is below water. Yeah.

Like, I start measuring my dick from inside my body because that's where it technically starts. Right. So smart. Yeah. Through my asshole. Yeah. And then out the other side, seven inches. I'm no scientist, but that sounds like a logical way of doing it.

Either way, I think we're all in agreement that this guy is under no obligation to tell his sister. side seven inches i'm no scientist but that sounds like a logical way of doing it either way i think we're all in agreement that this guy is under no obligation to tell his sister no obligation whatsoever at the very like you can there's a million reasons not to say anything but i think the real kernel of the it does no good it won't affect his intentions are honorable he wants to like correct he wants his sister to have a lot of orgasms. Have it all. And I love that about him. I truly do.

But this does no good for anybody. To say your husband-to-be has a small dick. You're so right about that. It makes everyone feel bad. I think that's the best advice that I've heard on this topic so far. What about when I said that he might have a big dick? That was fine, too. But just think about the three parties in question right now tell me who comes out on top yeah it's a triple lose the dude the guy who's getting

married clearly gets hit yeah right oh my god by like from two angles because it's like oh my brother-in-law thinks i have a tiny dick and i can't please my wife my wife thinks i have a small dick and i can't please like totally then there's a small dick so then there's the sister who has this now burden of having to just like walk through why my husband having a small dick will be okay for me to her brother so he's not she's not coming right like sitting seeing her brother at like in the wedding party just like sitting next to her husband shaking his head if anybody has any objections i I add one. Like, this presumes. And he has one inch. Oh, Dean.

Take off the tuxedo. If they were to break up, if this couple were to break up because of what this kid said, this then presumes that every next guy she goes out with will have to show him his dick

to see if it's okay for his sister. At the very least. You passed the dick test? Yeah, that's complicated. I'd say hold on to that piece of one inch information. That tiny little bit. There you have it. Hold on to the'd say hold on to that piece of one inch information uh that tiny little bit there you have it hold on to the information hold on to that uh awesome

thank you and thanks billy for coming on the show yeah my pleasure uh do you have anything you want to plug people will be listening to this aside from the melissa etheridge concert that you're going to yeah i don't think it's sold out so if you can get down to morongo by this saturday which is exactly negative two days from the day that this podcast comes out go back in time you can go on youtube and see some old videos by harvard sailing team please go to the head gum fantasy football league um which is a part of this network that would be great because um we would really like for you to contribute there might be an up a new episode either monday or tuesday yeah right around this time when this comes out there should be a look for a new head gum fantasy football league and uh, you can follow me on Twitter, at Billy Scafuri.

Good luck spelling my last name. It's not going to happen, dude. Try as you might. Will you post on your Twitter, one, a picture of the Filet-O-Fish that we're about to go get? I will. And two, a picture of you at your beefiest when you were in college? Yes. I'll need my mom to mail me that picture.

All right, great. Yes. She can't take a photo of the photo. You have to have her mail it. It not like that i don't know her phone still has snake her phone still has snake you know what i mean not even snake too no no the snake can only grow to about three quarters of an inch it's really should you tell your dad about that um his phone also has snake all right he's still rocking the road very well right uh awesome thanks so much for listening everybody if you yourself have your own theme song or your own his phone also has snake all right he's still rocking the road very well right uh awesome thanks

so much for listening everybody if you yourself have your own theme song or your own question or your own facebook thumbnail submission that email for everything is if i were you show at gmail.com the opening theme song once again was written by matt bogdano and this closing theme song was written by amelia amelia with a say a Prayer parody. Hopefully we'll see you in either Muhlenberg, Philadelphia, or New York. And if not, we'll see you next week on the internet. Later, everybody. Peace. See ya.

See ya. That was a hate gun podcast.