Segments - 185: Turtles and Honey

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

In this episode we discuss Nick Jonas, morality, and bees. This episode is brought to you by ClubW, Leesa, and Unroll.Me! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Should I text this girl? Should I break up with this guy? Jake and Amir will quell all your fears And tell you the reason why Should I text this girl? Should I break up with this guy? Jake and Amir will confirm all your fears And tell you the reason why Yes! I love it. That's a sassy theme song that tells you how it is.

How is it? It's good. So that theme song is sassy. Sassy. And it tells you how it is. It doesn't sugarcoat it for nobody. And it's good. And it's a positive.

What is a positive? The song. It's like from the future, but also the past at the same time. Oh, yeah. I loved it. The future of 1965, where it was the 80s and the 80s was the future oh but now the 80s is the past yeah it's retro future it's fret it's fretro it's future it's richer it's richer fretro is better richer fretro sort of euro it's in futuro it's

in futuro so like you know in utero yeah so that was that song was completely in futero which is like the conception of something in uh that hasn't happened yet interesting it's an idea of time and space that uh has i don't like the song anymore you ruined it for me it was written by nathan who submitted a theme song before but came up with another one just in case we ran out. We didn't run out, Nathan. Thank you. But yours is pretty fucking good, so we used it anyway.

Yeah. Much appreciated. Should I text this girl? Should I break up with this guy? The only thing I don't like about that song is that it could be misconstrued as gay-friendly. What if there's a world where people would be like, a girl, girl. So, like, I think in a perfect world it would be like, since I am a girl, I can only text with guys.

Oh, that is, yeah, you are a bigot, for sure. The only way to improve any song to you is to make it completely unambiguous. Yeah, how straight it is. Yeah. So the song that's, like, what's a love song to you? Like, I don't want to miss a thing, right? Yeah, sure. I don't want to close my...

No, I don't want to... I don't want to close my no no i don't want to because i don't want to close my guys if i am a guy because i miss girls baby and i only miss girls at all that's pretty yeah that's pretty cool what about like um what about sam smith's stay which one is that all right so it'd be like actually i think actually about it so it'd be like stay with me because you're opposite sex we are different enough for me you're like uh so darling your right wing christian music that makes everything worse. But I still love pop. I still love romance pop songs. Fair. So that would be my only note. Hate it.

What else? Oh, yeah. This is an advice podcast. If you're listening in a car or maybe a gymnasium. And that's it. Or a library. Fine. Three things, but those are the only three places maybe

it's in your house while a chore is being done for actually some of you are listening to this because uh it's like you know that situation was like you're in a car and you're like oh do you guys want to listen to this podcast uh i think you'll really like it like i think it's funny but maybe you guys oh do you think there's people out there Right now who are Showing their friends Our podcast And those people, the fans, are fucking Hoping to God that this is like

A good episode Yeah, because if they win that friend over, then that's like 183 other episodes They get to listen to with a friend Yeah, listen to, oh my god, you're gonna love it And then they have so many other ones But if it's bad, that burning feeling of like- How many of those friends turned off the podcast

when you started gay bashing? That was an inauspicious start because I don't, because yeah, obviously I was being sarcastic, but it was so dry. And then like, oh, oh, they aren't gay friendly. Yeah, yeah. Well, one of the people if if it's like if it's like a hundred people that are listening for the first time a few of them will be gay

and a few of them will should be offended at and good that was a test actually yeah and if you haven't turned off this podcast after hearing that y'all are y'all are actually just as intolerant if not more so, than we are. Yeah, because we were kidding and you were eating it up. You got your yucks on the expense of some folks who've been through some pretty hard times, actually. Scorned by society. Looked down upon. Yeah, so if you ask me, you guys are the bad ones.

We're the good ones. All we did was shine a light into a corner where the cockroaches live. Oh, scurry it around. The meek shall inherit the straight, hopefully straight earth. Well, that's back to you being. Oh, right. Never mind. I forgot what.

Yeah. All right. No, you're right. So like we were saying, this is an advice show, a podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. And I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we are two 420 friendly, gay friendly, LGBTQ friendly comedians slash writers slash auteurs.

So we're artists who are completely open minded. We don't look down on anybody based on their ethnicity yeah their creed uh or their color i'm totally cool with you saying all that stuff actually i think we should probably preface i'm fine i don't care if you're korean cats are okay meow dogs are okay wolf so anybody can live here i don't care if you're from even if you're like even if it's so bad that you're from like switzerland like's so bad that you're from Switzerland, that's how nasty you are. There's a lot in the news about people from a country

that starts with an S that isn't Switzerland. You didn't really want to take a stand, huh? Oh, Syria? No, don't say it. I'm inviting any refugee to listen to our program. That's a nice idea. Yeah. I think they have bigger things to deal with,

but if they have 58 minutes to kill... Sure to kill sure yeah they've got some time i'd invite them to listen to our program as well uh the way it works is that people are in difficult places in their lives just everyday folks like you and me maybe they live in america maybe they're in canada england australia and they're like you know? I don't really know how to handle this thing. I'm going to email ifireryoushow at gmail.com. Jake or Amir will read through every question and then answer a few of them on the show. There you go. These are questions I haven't even read yet. They're ones that you found. I found, well, actually I pulled them from the two answer folder. So you probably are familiar with some of them. Very chill. Yeah. Right off the bat, one that's really catching my eye is a subject in my butt.

In my butt. What, what, in my butt? What, what, in my butt. Let's go, we usually give these people fake names, but let's go real names this time. John Moore writes, just joking. I had a suggestion for what kind of names to use we should um as a way to subtly plug our tour along the west coast yeah we'll name everybody after a west coast uh city or somebody from that city oh what about the name of the comedy club oh that's good like i think cobs comedy is a cool name that's where we're

going in san francisco yeah all right so so let's say wednesday december 2nd tickets still available for our live show in san francisco you can come it's a party we do this live it's a very fun a fun event uh i don't know if i don't know if you live in gay friendly we are gay friendly we we love the bay area jokingly we will spell it b-a-e area because it's like where all the bays are from oh that's and it's like a fun little thing i don't partake in that and like i love like uh i went to school there so like maybe if you went to berkeley or something or if you're actually in the city itself we would love to see you there that's it uh so somebody named cobs comedy writes i've got a legit issue i happen to fancy a good old fashioner from the lady.

In fact, sometimes the H.J. is the perfect resolve after a long day of work, and she is always willing to indulge. Recently, she has started to perhaps enhance the complimentary H.J.'s with a little butthole teasing. No homo. But that shit really turns me up. Here's the problem. It's getting me so riled up that I think I want her to go ahead and enter full on H.J. plus butthole probe. How do I discreetly let her know to go ahead and take the teasing to the next level? I don't really want to say up front, hey, could you go ahead and put a finger in my butthole while you're jacking me off. P.S. If you can keep this off the podcast to preserve my anonymity, but I'm the guy that should.

Oh, that's the part where you weren't supposed to read. Oh, oh dear. All right. I won't say that part. All right. The question is, how can a guy ask a girl? You read the sentence. Keep this part off the podcast.

That's how much I'm on autopilot. I'm just saying the words, not really understanding what they mean. So. This guy wants his lady friend. What are your thoughts on handjobs? I mean, I don't want to say anti because I'm not like, they don't excite me in any real way. Really? I mean, I like when a girl grabs my dick.

Yeah. That's dope. Yeah yeah but i like it to go past that point and i understand like being in a relationship you sort of like spice it up with these different ways but like that never ever got me off like you know something instead of sex never turns me on really what about a blow jay not even that i was still neat to fuck really yeah i bet i can get you off with an hj and a blow well an hj and a blow was it let's just call it a blow because what's the hj really getting me a little riled up yeah i'll stroke you off and then when i'm feeling you close i i'll put i wonder because even you like saying that made me so viciously ill yeah i'll stroke

you off yeah i'll beef i swear to god i would show you my penis right now because it like shriveled up yeah as you were saying that wow yeah and i i don't think it's like a gay thing i think it's a you thing yeah because you are gay you just just hate me. I blew you yesterday, actually. I just don't like oral from you. I'm still kind of excited about that kind of stuff, the H-J and the B-J. I guess when relationships are new, it's pretty exciting. It's all just new and exciting

because it's like I'm not touching myself, somebody else is, and it feels very exciting. Yeah. I think I like to be in a little bit more control. And it's also like the other person is inherently going to be doing a little bit more control uh and it's also like uh the other person is inherently going to be doing stuff that you wouldn't think to do because it's not you you probably jerk off in the same way yeah and you probably jerk off different than other people

jerk off and you don't know because you'll never compare what other people look like when they jerk off yeah well how do you jerk off right hand or left handed left uh me too oh really yeah i wonder why that is if we're both predominantly right-handed is it because you're looking at porn on your computer uh i don't think so for what i don't know for for whatever reason i feel i used to be right hand when i was in looked at magazines when i was younger but then when i started looking at computer porn i would you want to have my dominant hand for tabbing and clicking. What about when you're eating? Do you put your fork in your left or right?

My right. You put your fork in your right? Yeah. Oh, because that was going to be my theory. Because I cut with my right, but I fork into my... What if you're only eating something like eggs where you don't necessarily need a knife you can write that see that's what i was thinking if if i'm eating a steak it's knife right fork left fork left right yeah right left left right left it's like it's

almost like baseball where like you know both hands are being used once for catching once for throwing right so like but you throw with your predominant hand yeah so i would say we should Both hands are being used, one's for catching, one's for throwing. Right. So like... But you throw with your predominant hand. Yeah. So I would say we should ask more people whether they J-O with their left or right and then say, okay, when you're eating a steak... Twitter has a poll thing now, don't they?

Oh, yeah. Should I poll which hand you use to J-O? Well, you should say masturbate because women can use it too. I don't give a shit what hand they use. Aren't you... You're pro-female circumcision. Yep Aren't you pro-female circumcision? Yep, pro-female circumcision, that's right.

I don't want them to feel any joy during sexual intercourse. What was I going to say? Left, right, oh, right. Oh, okay, so you don't know how... Oh, I was going to say... You don't know how people masturbate. Yeah, I once asked somebody else how they jerked off, and it was totally different than what I do.

Oh, yeah, that's true, because you sit up, don't you? Yeah, I sit up and you lie down. Yeah. That's crazy. But I wonder which one is weird. Like, you don't know. How can you possibly know unless you go door to door? And it has to be door to door.

Right. So you, like, place a paper towel or a napkin on your stomach no i don't but i do i do know people who do that too they do they lay on their back and they like stroke into like as it goes up onto their stomach i do like i'm laying on my side that's the weirdest one ever yeah because i feel like i'm like do you look at porn yeah i look at porn like Yeah, I look at porn. Like sideways. So you turn your computer sideways?

Sometimes. But also, I like feeling like the mattress in addition to my hand. Oh, what do you... So I'm like rubbing against the mattress and my hand. I want to watch you jerk off so bad. You're like full on like dry humping the mattress and like. I mean, like I'm laughing at it, but the way I jerk off is equally sad. You're at the edge of your bed sitting upright, right?

Yeah, edge of my bed. That looks like an orangutan learning how to play with himself. Yeah, like cross. Actually, I sometimes sit like completely indian style like a like a perverted chief sitting indian style tugging away at his johnson and what is your right hand doing while you're jerking off uh just giving the bird to the oh really saying fuck everything that's so cool and then it's the three fingers salute just drenched and come starting with my forehead and then as i separate it from my forehead it's just a string of jizz it's going between tabs it's navigating it's making sure i'm getting off at the exact

moment that i want to uh so always on a keyboard yeah well on a keyboard. Yeah. Well, on a keyboard, then it's also sometimes like searching for the tissues. By the way, my mom should have turned off the podcast. I'm sure she did it on her own. You did it, mama. Good job. Do you ever feel a Pavlovian response when your right hand is resting on a hot keyboard? Do you feel like, oh, that's the beginning of something? Or like, yeah, that is what I'm constantly feeling when I'm tugging my rod.

Well, I guess my... No, I never feel like it. No, I don't feel that. All right. That's awesome. Yeah. Do you ever put... This guy can almost put his finger up his butt if he likes that feeling.

Yeah. So he's giving himself an H-J and then putting his finger up his butt. So I think that teasing basically means that she wants to finger your ass too. Oh. Like, there's a reason why you tease. It's because you're not sure. Yeah. I've teased plenty of assholes in my day.

Right. That also sounds like you're teasing a guy for being an asshole. Which is another good thing you can do. You can tease an asshole or you can tease your asshole so i think that she's probably teasing your asshole because she's intrigued by it she's the tease yeah so you don't have to say like i want you to put your finger in there but i think you like get more and more into it you're like that feels good you can even like wiggle your butt towards the finger wow i think i basically what i'm saying is i think it's going to happen

naturally if this thing keeps on going. You know, and if she's teasing, if you just let out like an excited noise, then like that's sort of another positive reinforcement. Like, oh, you really like that.

Right. So if you were to touch my butthole and I'd be like, I would, yeah, jump off your balcony. My exciting pigeon noise. That's what I do when I like something during and then

what's the sound you make when you have an orgasm so like as it's so this is you climaxing here we go wow yeah you get laid a lot, huh? Never. Would you say, seize the cheese, she's the tease? Oh, seize the tease, I think. Oh, seize the tease, she's the cheese. Yeah, she is the cheese and you can seize the tease. That's really good. And you can be the bee's knees.

Wow. Maybe you can lease some teas, like if you're renting a t-shirt. So lease the teas, seize the cheese, she's the teas, bees knees. Oh, pretty please, seize the teas, she's the cheese. Lots of rhymes. Oh, I didn't even realize I was rhyming. Oh, of course you did. You wrote them all down. Under your rhyming notepad.

Cool. So you can tell her that you like it. Ooh, I love the way you feel my butthole. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. Because you're a woman and I am a man. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just to make it clear. It's the way you love me because you are a male and I am a female.

There's no other way to do it. This kiss, this kiss. Ooh, great subject line for this next email. It's called dying turtle. Yeah. I believe this is the second question we've had about somebody worried about a pet turtle, actually. Oh, really?

Yeah. I thought it was going to be about dying Lisa Turtle's hair, like how later on she had like this bleach more of a bleach look lark voories yeah that's right uh so what's this person's name our next show theater in portland the hawthorne theater the hawthorne dude i'm a big fan of portland we got two days in portland that's right so thursday and friday you can come out you could party we made facebook uh event pages for this so Dude, I'm a big fan of Portland. We got two days in Portland. That's right. Thursday and Friday. You can come out. You can party. We made Facebook event pages for this.

So if you are coming, join us on Facebook as well to let everybody know we're in there. We're chatting. We're letting people know we're having fun. It's just a good time. So Hawthorne Theater? Hawthorne Theater. How about something Hawthorne? Turtle Hawthorne? Yeah. Turtle Hawthorne Theater? Hawthorne Theater. How about something Hawthorne? Turtle Hawthorne? Yeah.

Turtle Hawthorne writes, Love your show and figured I'd ask you for some advice on this problem I'm having. So my roommate has this painted turtle that her ex-boyfriend bought for her as a gift. He's super cute. Anyway, she's been really sad lately because she and her ex went through a rough breakup. I think this is affecting the health of her turtle because she's been neglecting to clean and feed him. It's also getting very cold, so I'm worried that the water temperature is too low for him. I've been feeding him, so that's not the problem, but the cleaning is the real issue. Once I cleaned the tank while

she was at work, and when she noticed, she got upset with me because, quote, she wanted to clean her own pet. I think it's that it's her turtle to take care of, but I'm seriously worried that it's going to die because of neglect. When I say the water is green, I mean green. The turtle almost disappears because of how grody this water is. How do I help save this poor turtle without my roommate getting mad at me for it. Love, Turtle Hawthorne. This is really tough. Because like... She's doing a favor and then she's getting yelled at.

Yeah. I feel like she has to choose. Does she want to be nicer to a turtle or to her a human? But like, yeah, that's true. And I would honestly choose Turtle. Oh, really? Because the friend's being an asshole. Save the turtle, kill the relationship.

The turtle's done nothing to deserve this. Honestly, choose turtle. Oh, really? Because the friend's being an asshole. Save the turtle, kill the relationship. The turtle's done nothing to deserve this. The friend is being a dick and not, and one, not being grateful when you're cleaning the tank. Yeah. And two, she's killing a turtle. She's killing a turtle. So I hate the idea of like, all right, fine, I'm going to take care of it. And then somebody gets mad. Like, that's my responsibility.

Yeah. Well, you weren't fucking doing it. Right so but it's not your turtle to kill well it's if it's in my if it's in my apartment and i don't what if it's in her room if you're if you're sneaking into the room then god damn free willie that shit take the turtle take the turtle and free it and then buy a dead turtle somehow and somewhere. And you need to make her think the turtle was stolen by her vindictive ex. Stage an elaborate break in and say the turtle's missing. But really, you just moved the turtle to a pond and everything's kosher. What about de-shelling a turtle?

Separating it, sliding the shell off of it. Would that be like undoing a Velcro shoe or is it like more attached than that? Dude, I don't, actually I, you know that I'm reading Robinson Crusoe so I can go on to the Overdue podcast.

The HeadGum podcast, the literature HeadGum podcast. podcast yeah where you have to it's like a book club right uh it's taken me like two months to read uh 200 pages uh-huh anyway uh but he eats a lot of turtles in the book and it's really disturbing like turtles are such lovely creatures and maybe they're not maybe they're assholes and they just get a good rap because they move slowly they're so cute They just look like an old man. I mean, they're not, no animal's like an asshole. An animal could be an asshole.

Can they be? Yeah, of course. Like, how? Like a leopard. Or a chicharra. You're an asshole. So, like, I'll get harassed by leopards. I think snakes are assholes.

They just sort of slither around and occasionally kill people yeah i mean like that's i don't think that makes them ass they're like they're too dumb to be assholes they're just like they're mean they're beasts that exist in the wilds and they're not like inherently mean they're just they're just snakes oh you think they're just trying to survive and in so doing they're ass yeah and if like you step in if you like are about to step on a snake all it knows how to do to defend itself is to bite you. Oh, I knew you'd take the cobra's side. The only asshole animal I think is a wasp.

Oh, really? They don't do anything good. At least bees make honey. Yeah. Wasps just sting people for no reason. Yeah, and they're just like, we don't even want to do this sweet honey thing either. Yeah, so that's fucked up.

How does honey work? Do you have any fucking clue how an insect will make honey yeah the honey that we eat right no of course not i have no what what would you even guess is it like the equivalent of semen the equivalent of a spider web i guess the equivalent of shit i would guess that it's them it's like puke that's my guess like the bees eat pollen whatever they like make the then they spit up the honey how little we know it's them it's like puke that's my guess like the bees eat pollen whatever they like make the then they spit up the honey how little we know it's interesting we're both old enough to know we could google it we could google it but we just never have and we never will and if we did

i would forget quickly right and we just have so little idea about how to how this shit works yeah it's really sad is there a class that'll be like it's called like shit you should know i there is there are like books like that and there i'm sure there are but like like by the way this is how like what if i had a child like honey doesn't matter like if we're gonna take it we need to learn something i feel like it should be another language or like no cpr yeah i don't want to do that like what if you somebody you know is just like drowning you're like oh wait uh bees pollinate flowers by uh we can't even finish the bit that's how little we know i don't fucking care oh so what should this guy do oh no this lady. I would say no turtle is worth more than your relationship.

And I would say your friend is shitty and she's mistreating a turtle. And you clean the tank as much as you damn well please. And if she is going to be so offended that you're doing that, then maybe she'll start cleaning the tank. Yeah, you want me not to be mad? clean the fucking tank yourself there you go that's like when you when football players get mad at other players for celebrating it's like yeah you want you don't want me to celebrate keep me out of the end zone there you go that's what she should say when she's cleaning the toilet you don't want me to clean the tank keep me out of the end zone hey i'm sorry. I only clean it when it's dirty. Sorry.

Sorry, not sorry. Oh, you mad because I came to the party? No, I'm mad because you're cleaning my fucking turtle. Get out of my room. You diva. All right, let's take a quick break. Thank a few more sponsors. And we'll be back.

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since our live shows in muhlenberg and philadelphia and brooklyn dude muhlenberg was insane philly was crazy shit new york was normal and new york was fine. Six people showed up, and most of them were just sort of reading a brochure. I think it was just raining that day, and they had it was six tourists that I walked off stage in the middle, and I just took a cat nap. Yeah, and then you joined

me for the big finale, but no one was there to see it. But in actuality, these were such fun shows, thanks to everybody who came out. Thanks to everybody who laughed and yelled and cheered and booed at us. Yeah, and who waited in that long-ass line to high-five and hug. Yeah.

Photos surfacing all over the internet. Twitter, Facebook. Guys, I can't stress enough how much I'm on Snapchat right now. I am snapping up a storm, dude. Hey, we gotta hit... We're cross snapping actually yeah all my snaps are of you and all your snaps are of me also of me it's so we have that in common all our snaps are of me i only take selfies you only take me's uh jake demand 85 amir bloom yeah

that's bl om uh we're into it we're we're 100 into it so check us out on this is how you get the millennial audience uh did anything funny happen we we went to uh a gay bar after our show in philadelphia oh that was yeah i keep on forgetting yeah the thing is just the way we party is like the way gay people party right so like sometimes it'll be like we look up and like after an hour like wait a minute we're at a gay dance party right well also because me you and marty just dance in a circle around each other right every everywhere we go is a gay dance party turn every party into a gay dance party and sometimes other people are there also at a gay dance party. Yeah. What did we do after? Oh, after the Brooklyn show was so nice.

What was that? We went to the whiskey. Yeah. Just like the old stomping ground. This was our cheers. Only when I walked in, nobody said my name or remembered. Joe remembered me. Yeah.

She gave us shots. Yeah, that was good. That was nice. It was a good old time. Is my old Papa Shot record still standing? No. Who are you? All right.

Very cool. Did anybody beat 12 yet? It wasn't a record the night you said it. Asian tweenagers getting 146 looking at me not knowing who the fuck I am. By the way, I looked up how bees make honey. Okay. Do you want me to tell you? Sure.

Bees start making honey, which is their food, by visiting flowers. Okay, wait, wait, wait. They eat honey? That's what they eat. So that's pretty interesting right off the bat. make what they eat that's basically like they make honey newsflash bees don't make honey for us what i thought they worked for me the bees make honey themselves yeah no that's okay excuse me oh that's why we take it yeah it's like do we pay bees anything i think we pay them

migrant wages that is so like minimum minimum wage well it's unfair wait next thing you're gonna tell me that chickens don't even lay eggs for humans they're just doing it as part of their like reproductive process it's crazy i it's according to me all these animals have jobs yeah okay those jobs are to feed me bees start making honey which is their food by visiting flowers they collect a sugary juice called nectar from the blossom by sucking it out. Nectar is a real thing, huh? With their tongues. They store it in what's called their honey stomach.

What? Which is different from their food stomach. When they have a full load, they fly back to the hive. No, this is fake. Bees have a honey stomach, and it's called a honey stomach. And they make it by eating sugary liquid from a flower. And then what? Explain to me the comb.

Well, all right, sorry. When they have a full load, they fly back to the hive. There, they pass it on through their mouths to other workers. That's close to what I said, which is throwing it up. Yeah, it's true. They pass it on through their mouths to other worker bees who chew it for about half an hour. It's passed from bee to bee.

So when we eat honey, we're just snowballing bees. That's what it is. Snowballing? What's snowball? Snowball is when you come into someone's mouth and then they French kiss you. Oh my God. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. So that's what we do with honey. And you know the honeycomb cereal you eat? Yeah. That's blowing. That's bee jizz. I promise you that. It's like...

And then finally we eat it. That's so fucked. So anyway, it's passed from B to B until it gradually turned to honey. Then the bees store it in honeycomb cells, which are like tiny little jars made of wax. The honey is still a bit wet, so they fan it with their wings to dry it out

and it becomes more sticky. When it's ready, they seal the wax with a wax lid to keep it clean. What? How do they do that? They have a little factory. That is pretty cool. So every wax jar, is that part of a comb?

Is that the comb? See, this is the other podcast I wanted to start, which is two people get stoned and learn about something for the first time. Yeah, that's insane. God, we're so much better now. That's Carnell's idea. We have to give props to Carnell. Okay, that's insane. God, we're so much better now. That's Carnell's idea. We have to give props to Carnell. Okay, the rabbit hole. Yeah, that's a good podcast.

If he ever quits Twinnovation. If he would just, he could be a producer on this other show. Is our episode of Twinnovation going up before this episode airs? I don't know. There's a chance that we're on a Twinnovation episode, either on already or this coming up Friday.

Yeah. Check it out. It was amazing to be in the tank. Oh, my God. I can't believe they call it the tank. It seems illegal. Yeah. All right.

Do you want to answer a few more questions? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Here we go. This one is from a dude named Seattle. Seattle. We don't know the name of the theater. Don't have that information.

Oh, yeah. Neptune. That sounds right. Yeah, the Neptune Theater. Saturday, December 5th? Correct. That's going to be a fun show. A Saturday night in Seattle.

This is the first time we're doing a live podcast in any of these cities. That's just a fact. BT Dubs. I don't know if you want to be there for our history, but it would be nice to have you. Yeah. And don't be like, oh, come to Tacoma. That's an hour from Seattle, motherfucker.

And that's not going to happen. So we'll see you guys in Seattle. Don't be like, come to Spokane. Yeah. Well, that's not gonna happen yeah so we'll see you guys in seattle and i'll be like come to spokane yeah oh that's well that's like a four and a half hour drive must yo if anybody from spokane comes to the seattle show i will personally uh let you watch blumenfeld jerk off wow yeah we should do spokane word poetry in seattle that's a nice idea yeah uh so i'm gonna get right into it seattle writes i've been dating my current girlfriend for two months. Recently, she made a friend, a new guy at her school. He likes her, but she's

friend-zoned him pretty hard. They hang out at her place after school. I know I have nothing to worry about. I don't want to sound cocky, but fuck it. There's no better way to say it. I'm physically much more adequate than him. He's a tad chubby. And even though he's taller than me by like two inches, physically, I'm just much more attractive. He is funny though. And I don't, uh, he is funny though. And I don't actually dislike him as a person. I need advice on how to be less jealous and assume less. Thanks for your time. Love, Seattle. Ooh, Seattle. That is tough. usually we tell people to be less jealous relax your girlfriend could be on twitter relax your girlfriend can go to class relax your girlfriend

could talk to other guys it's not a big deal i think this guy should be more jealous no he this guy's very jealous this guy is is acting a little too laissez-faire oh he's a tad chubby all right he's funny they're hanging out after's so in his head about it. They're hanging out after class. This girl's getting, your girl's getting stolen, dude. You know how I know? Because I'm not necessarily tubby, but I've been the less attractive, funny guy,

and that's the spot you want to be in. The slightly less attractive, funny friend. But I do, I agree with you that it's a danger that that that somebody's swooping on your girl is always like a little scary yeah but this guy he is very jealous he's not saying like he's just acting cool about it he's acting cool i mean he knows that he's two inches the other guys he knows the height differential yeah differential in inches uh-huh he's like i also think that just even saying like my girlfriend friend zoned him pretty hard so don't worry they hang out after work yeah like that's you saying did she friend zone him please tell me she did well i shouldn't say that i want him to be more

jealous but i should i should say like listen i think the writing's on the walls. This guy's moving in. If your girlfriend likes you more, great. It won't affect you. If your girlfriend's not into you, this is just the beginning of the end. The real problem is that no matter what is happening, if you act jealous, then that pushes her away. Yeah, you're sort of fucked either way. You can either not care and let it happen, or you could care and it'll happen faster so i think what i would do in this sitch you ash is cheat on your girlfriend now huh that way the guy exactly that way when she's like oh i fucked up i made out with this guy like yeah so

did i i also did it with that guy yeah and he's a tad chubby for me he's a little chubby he is two inches taller and funnier so tough yeah i don't know what i would do i think i would i would just care less and less and less i think but it's so impossible to not care that like a guy is constantly trying to be with your girl yeah but what can you do me i guess like all you can say is i know it sounds weird and i don't want to be jealous and i don't want to be the angry guy but it does kind of make me a little uncomfortable that you're constantly hanging out with chubby funny mcgee right no that's true i i i agree and then see how she directs she can either go two ways she could be like the fuck are you talking about don't be such such an asshole. Leave me alone. It's not like that.

Or she could be like, yeah, I understand. I probably shouldn't. I mean, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Jealousy is a very weird thing where like sometimes it's too much and sometimes it's not enough. Like there's a totally a world where she's going over to this guy's house and she's like, why don't you care? Like you should be jealous. You should be angry. You should be protective.

And then there's a world where it's like i'm just hanging out with this guy why are you being so overbearing so really you can't say like i'm angry or you shouldn't be doing this all you can ever say is like i this makes me nervous and that's what the real thing is happening right like you're not mad you're scared and you're sad there's a song uh the nick jonas song jealous uh and i think it it perfectly encapsulates what's all all that's wrong like this i dislike this song just musically because i don't like it as a pop song sure but the lyrics are so bad like it really sets back it like makes it cool to be an asshole right it's it sets back the movement yeah the movement of guys so let me just read some of this these lines to you just because like i was listening i'm like oh my god this is awful like i fucking hate you i can't believe you're writing a song about this being proud proud about. This is what he's saying. I don't like the way he's looking at you.

I'm starting to think you want him too. Am I crazy? Have I lost you? Even though I know you love me, I can't help it. I turn my chin music up and I'm puffing my chest. I'm getting red in the face. You can call me obsessed. It's not your fault that they hover.

And I mean no disrespect, but it's my right to be hellish. I'll still get jealous. So he's saying, this guy is just looking at a girl and what it causes him to do is puff his chest, get red in the face.

He turns into the Hulk. Columns obsessed. And then he has a right to be literally hellish. You wouldn't like me when I'm jealous. He wants to turn this girl's world into hell. The worst thing it could be because somebody's looking at her. Right. Well, that's an, yeah, that's absurd.

But that's what you don't want to do right and that's one end of the spectrum and the other is you doing nothing i think you're right to say that to say something just a little something like but it's not your right to be hellish no it's not your right to be hellish and this comes back to the expectation things right like you can't say don't hang out with him anymore yeah that's a real bad move yeah all you can say is this is what you're doing you can keep on doing it for as long as you want but this is the way it makes me feel this is why i'm hot and sometimes down the road it might make me feel so much this way that i won't like this relationship anymore what are your thoughts on

that sure and then she says uh oh yeah no big deal i don't have to see that guy or i think the weird thing is once you bring it up like does she fight to see some friend then you're then like oh well that must mean you guys aren't friends yeah then it's your right to be completely hellish uh next verse you're too sexy, and everybody wants a taste. That's why I still get jealous. I wish you didn't have to post it out. I wish you'd save a little bit for me. Protective or possessive? Yeah. Call it passive or aggressive. It's the opposite of passive. It is protective, possessive, and aggressive.

Also, he's like, the first verse, he says, it's not your fault, you're pretty. And the second verse, he's basically saying, it's your fault, you're pretty. Yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, how did that pass? Nick Jonas doesn't write his own lyrics and go out and put... Executives looked at that and they were like, we like these lyrics. They send a good message.

This one's for the masses now. It message so like you'll be this one's for the masses now it'll be like you're dating a hot girl somebody looks at her and you get angry possessive aggressive puff your chest and hellish yeah and that's you don't deserve to get pussy anymore jonas you know what who's he going i'm gonna fuck his girlfriend wow how's that for fair who's he dating i don't know nick jonas girlfriend oh it's mother theresa really actually it's olivia culpo do you know who that is like the opposite of how oh she is an american actress uh-huh model oh has a million instagram followers really and she won miss usa 2012 representing her home state of i'll give you three guesses i got an in if it's connecticut no first okay uh then i um uh nebraska no i'm telling you're very close with connecticut really yeah

new york rhode island rhode island there it is uh miss rhode island miss usa oh wow and she was also miss universe and she's got a bad boyfriend so she doesn't have it all going for her, folks. Yeah, how could she go out with a guy who's like, all right, it's his right to be hellish, so here we go. Nick Jonas, everybody. If someone looks at you, I will be mad at you. All right, here we go. It is your fault. I wish you saved a little just for me.

God damn it. Nick Jonas is the man, dude. I love that. You want to answer one last question? Yeah, let's do it because we got one more city. My city is Vancouver. And... All I care about is Vancouver and the city where they're from.

Nice, dude. Thanks. Our show in Vancouver is Sunday, December 6th. It is outselling every other show. The theater is nearly 1,100 seats, and we're getting close to selling it out. I would be really happy to have that at a board. We need that right now.

We're big. We're big in America, but we're bigger in Canada for whatever reason. Ready to move, dude. If we sell out, I think it's fair to say, we'll at the very least spend spring in British Columbia. I mean, at the very least, we're going to come to Canada more and more

because all of our shows in Canada have been great. At a certain point, we're just going to have to be Canadians. I'm down. Oh, yeah, I would marry a Canadian. How do you get Canadian citizenship? That's another question we can solve on yet another podcast. All right.

Vancouver writes, I'm in a prisoner's dilemma of sorts. So last year, my university, oh, so last year in my university biology class, we were all given a brand spanking new iPad to take notes with during the semester. It was pretty ace because we actually got to draw mitochondria and shit on an iPad. All's fine and dandy until the final day of class. We were supposed to return this piece of junk after we finished our final exam, but I needed it for a few more days because I had had my notes on it for another class. So I kept it, totally allowed. I could just turn it in a few days later. After I was done using it to study, I emailed my professor asking how to give the iPad

back, but he never replied. So I plead the fifth like a fucking hero. This was 11 months ago. The iPad... Is this iPad as good as mine? Jake, does your dad know anything about squatter's rights? Or should I try to give the iPad back to the university? Or should I sell it and make a

bad amount of cash off this little scheme? Hope to hear from you vancouver hmm this is yeah what do you do i would this is the moral gray area that separates assholes from nice people leave the fifth like a fucking hero hero ever just stood up and didn't say anything alexander hamilton silence in the court. I feel like this is what separates assholes from nice guys. Right. Nice guys do the right thing even though they won't get caught.

Remember the little boys, big boys, and men? Oh, yeah. What is it? It was little boys do the right thing because people tell them to. Big boys don't follow the rules because they don't have to. Yeah. And men do the right thing even when they're not asked. Because they want to.

Sure. So which one are you? I think you can get away with it. And the question is, who are you hurting? Maybe not necessarily anybody. Or maybe you're hurting somebody in the next class who's not going to get an iPad now. Maybe that goes on and they're not going to use iPads in the future because one of the students stole an iPad. So you know what?

Nobody else gets to draw the money. You don't want to be like the guy that ruined it for everybody else. But if it's really just stealing from a college, you know what? They steal from you. Whoa. College is a bit it's a it's a corporation there's no difference between the university of michigan and coca-cola let me tell you what they are both fucking us how's that um enron nah university of enron and i'm not gonna matriculate graduate or at the very least you shouldn't you should not sell the ipad because

they might hit you up at any moment and ask for it and you should have it ready to get back i think selling is the worst because then you're literally profiting off a theft so at this point it's a pretty old ipad why don't you just give it i would give it back it's the right thing to do and then uh yeah i mean it is the quote unquote right thing to do how often does anybody use their ipad too yeah do you really need an ipad i got a phone isn't that just as good as an ipad I mean, it is the quote unquote right thing to do. How often does anybody use their iPad too? Yeah. Do you really need an iPad? I got a phone. Isn't that just as good as an iPad?

Yeah, you're good. If you have a phone and a computer, I don't think you need an iPad. What does the iPad do? We don't need the every... It's like the watch, the phone, the computer, and the iPad. I want all the screens. I want some to be touchable, some to be slightly bigger. And like the 6S, sorry, the 6 Plus, it's just a little smaller than the screens. I want some to be touchable. Some to be slightly bigger. And the 6S, sorry, the 6 Plus,

it's just a little smaller than the iPad Mini. It's funny we're making fun. We sound like people that use Androids. No, no, we use them. Yeah, I have three of those four things. But yeah, just give it back. Then you can be a nice guy. Yeah, I think you can.

Although, is it still nice if I'm telling him to and he does it because of me? Part of him wants to, I think. That's why he emailed. He needed the guidance. I mean, he called himself a hero for stealing it. He called himself a hero for not following up. What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?

Ooh. Drugs. Drugs. You've never, like... Like speeding? Right. I don't think I've ever stolen anything i'm yeah not that i can remember i've never like stolen anything right maybe like lying about hours on like an old like uh oh yeah i've cheated on tests oh i i've definitely cheated on tests

and like when i used to work hourly i could, I would put an extra hour here or there. If I did something that was extra annoying, I'd be like, that was an hour of work. I know mine. What? Vehicular manslaughter. Oh, you killed that couple. I killed a couple. That's right.

It was late. Aggravated vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, because I backed up and hit them again. Right, because he called you. He said, watch where you're going, you maniac. And then you said, I'm a fucking maniac? You're a fucking maniac motherfucker but i did serve my time yeah did i say mostly legal thing i've gotten away with or just mostly

legal thing oh yeah it got in the way with oh maybe i once tore a person's book in half and in elementary school really did you really do that we were we were visiting another class and like there was a book in the cubby underneath the desk and i was like ripping it i don't know why i guess it's like this weird joke i don't think that's illegal by the way to ruin property i guess it's like what's it was being illegal than just like a no-no illegal and a no-no it's just me after killing that couple like couple in the courtroom. Your Honor, what's the difference between illegal and a no-no? I feel like this is just a...

Did my client commit a no-no? Yes, he did. Yes, yes. But was his no-no illegal? No, no, it was not. Maybe, maybe. No, no, it was not. That is for you to decide.

Thankfully, the jury was a panel of 12 12-year-olds. And they were just like, oh, yeah, I can see that. Sure. They let me off scot-free, scotch-free. That's another thing we can look up in another episode of the podcast. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the show now and forever. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, everything can be sent to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com.

The opening theme song was written by our boy Nathan. Nathan. Nathan. Nathan. And this closing one is Jordan from New Zealand with a Jack Johnson cover for the win. It's about time. It's as simple as something that nobody knows. She's gotta be a girl. Make a banana pancakes.

You know those songs are about Santa Barbara where your brother goes to school? Yo, what up, Mike? We come to Santa Barbara in February. Don't even worry about that, guys. Let's get through this tour first. I don't think so. Alright, forget it. Forget I said anything. I'll see you guys next week or in a week or two in San Francisco, December 2nd, Portland,

December 4th, Seattle, December 5th, Vancouver, December 6th. And we'll be back next week with a whole new episode of If I Were You. Take it away, Jordan from New Zealand And she wasn't on the pill So maybe top the cell for me now Send it off to two Jews Let them make it for me They can tell me what to do Classic Jake fade away Find some other cheese to see

Refuse to pay child support Everything's okay right now Cause this is if I were you You're drinking on me, giving advice What could go wrong?