Segments - 186: Polyamory (w/Elliott Morgan!)

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

Comedian/Actor/Writer/Host Elliott Morgan is in the house to discuss butts, crushes, and love triangles. This episode is brought to you by BeekeepersNaturals, BirkSun, and ThrowBoy.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Yeah. All right. Which one? His name was David Da daigle carnagnan he's from french canada but his artist name his artist name is mornial and his name is also hard to say yeah m-o-a-r-n-i-a-l and he's on patreon facebook twitter soundcloud you knowCloud. You know where it is. Morniol. Morniol. Elliot Morgan. Hey. Did I pronounce that correctly? Elliot Morniol.

Elliot Morniol. You're also French Canadian. Yeah, I am. I make tight beats as well. Was this you? It was. I'm a huge fan of you guys. Holy shit. I'm a really big fan. Thank you so much. I've actually been camping in your backyard for about three weeks. That was you. Yeah, we saw you. Sorry.

You were bathing in the fountain. I was. Yeah, well where else, you know? You were taking a bum shower in my sink. Yeah, I didn't want to creep you guys out, you know, I tried to stay in the public areas. The common areas. Smart. Stay out of my bedroom, but you can take all the showers you want in my sink.

I'm not a monster. With a dry cube of soap brushing up against your armpit hair. Oh, wow. Sorry about that. I painted a bad picture, buddy. How would our fans know you? Or even if they don't, why don't you explain who the fuck you are? Oh, God. Do you ever get recognized?

I do. And they come up to you on the street and they say, oh, you're that guy. Yeah. I've gotten recognized mostly from SourceFed, which is a YouTube news comedy channel. Whoa. YouTube news comedy channel. Yeah. That started back in 2012.

I did that. Life was so much better then. Was it not? Was it not? Yeah. This was pre all that shit. Yeah. Pre all that shit. Yeah all that shit yeah forget everything you

know about 2014 yeah that's actually a bc and ad stand for pre all that shit and post all that shit pre 2013 and post so i was source fed and then uh now i do uh stand up and i do i host for a show called uh the other thing i often get uh credit for uh is a show called misconceptions on a channel called mental floss where i tell people how they're wrong about everything and i host for a lip sync battle i've done some stuff with mashable jeez you're just all over the internet yeah i'm like a host yeah like a host with the most for the internet the hostess with the mostest for the internet yeah we're for the many intertesters yeah jake and i also made a living online so it's like i feel like we've been orbiting the same universe never actually

hitting each other nope never yeah like uh atoms so yeah yeah appearing and appearing yeah a nucleus and an electron never actually we're just constantly rotating that this is actually the the higgs boson yeah that they're going for oh no you guys are both smart i don't even know if i pronounced that right it's the big so you knew what it was dude that says so much more than i could ever ever uh are you smart i don't think so no i think i it's usually what smart people say though you know what i think i've i've learned this my therapist told me i think i'm intuitive oh Oh, you're street smart, not book smart. Maybe street smart, like the street smart way to say intuitive.

I think that's what I am. Yeah, I'm intuitive and street smart. And I'm actually really tough. And I'm very handsome. That's another good thing about me. That's what my therapist tells me. Yeah, no, I don't think I'm, I'm not as well read as I should be. Do you read? I see all these books books you guys got a bunch of yeah we have a lot of books in our studio but i i i personally don't read as much as i should gotcha you know what happens is

i get to a book and if it's bad it slows me down and then i never stop reading it and i never pick up another book yeah that is the problem it'll Cause you're a book finisher. Yeah. And now I have like. You want to start a new book. I've had a half finished, uh, read, uh, biography of the,

uh, uh, uh, Wright brothers on my, on my nightstand for like five months. Yeah. And I just, I can't find the energy to lift it up and hear and read more about how they fucking went back and forth from Kitty Hawk.

Trying test flights didn't work. They go back to Ohio. Then the next summer they and forth from Kitty Hawk, trying test flights, didn't work. They go back to Ohio. Then the next summer they go back to Kitty Hawk. It's interesting because the beginning of flight is maybe one of the most interesting things in the world. And I'm about halfway done with the book, and I'm so bored. I don't care about planes flying for the first time.

I just know what'll happen. They'll eventually figure it out. The birth of flight. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. I can't read biographies at all, or autobiographies autobiographies especially i read i read a thing literally about autobiographies and why they so rarely work why is it is the the inherently biased the subject yeah it doesn't know itself well enough to talk on it objectively whenever

i read a biography it's like the person has to be so fucking interesting right because like usually somebody's done like a couple interesting things but with every biography i've biography, it's like, the person has to be so fucking interesting, right? Because usually somebody's done a couple interesting things, but with every biography I've ever read, it's like, they just try to make, they stretch everything. Every single aspect. Like, you know, the most boring, like high school. We don't need 100 pages on it, you know? No, not even in a real high school. Yeah. We didn't need that.

You know, the real problem is, we just saw Hamilton, and now what am I i supposed to do read a book or an article about should be made into a rap yeah everything if everything can be made into like a rap hip-hopera i'd be down to watch and i bet lynn would actually do a lot with the wright brothers yeah with the wright brothers or maybe wright rhymes with flight and i mean like the rest. Whoa, that was really good. The rest writes itself. Oh, my God. It's happening. You're on Broadway. Are you serious? I really think so. Jesus Christ.

I guess I am. It's kind of crazy. Well, it's kind of- You can add that to your list of good qualities. We have a- I'm intuitive. I can do a lot of push-ups, and I can rap and be on Broadway. Instead of a biography, Jake and I will just have a collection of podcasts where we're just venting about what we think about things. That's way better.

Yeah. It's a 21st century version of a biography. And I don't know if you've ever listened to the show, but this program is actually called If I Were You, and it's an advice podcast. It's basically the only advice podcast on the internet that Jake and I host. Okay. I was going to say. Yeah. And usually it's just –

I heard of another one before. Usually it's just us two giving advice, and sometimes we have guests, friends, family. I'm all of those. Yeah, and hosts. Today we have my brother. Get out of the chair, Elliot. Micah, you're that guy from SourceFed and Jake's brother, right?

So if you want, if you can, do you mind trying to answer some advice questions with us for the next let's say dude i would love to 39 minutes yeah that's it um as always elliot these are real emails from real people we give them fake names to preserve their anonymity good so you guys that's very sweet uh can you give me the name of a lady? Jessica. Jessica. It's beautiful. Did you make that up? Yeah, I just kind of threw some syllables together.

I never heard that before. If it sounds like a name, that's not my brain works. I don't want to get into it. It's not spelled in the way that you think. Oh. D-R-Y-S-I-K-A-H. Yeah.

Jessica writes. So hot. There was a Jurassic in my high school. Jurassic Park. Jessica writes. So hot. There was a Jurassic in my high school. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. I've been in a relationship with a girl for about four months now. And when we first got together, she mentioned that she preferred polyamorous relationships. We agreed to talk about it properly if one of us developed feelings for somebody else.

But I was hoping that would never happen. But she told me yesterday that she has a big crush on a boy she works with and isn't sure how to address it. It makes me really sad and anxious thinking about her dating someone else, but it makes me feel worse to imagine not being with her. Should I act cool and give polyamory a try or try to compromise with her or just cut and run? Please help, love, Jessica.

All right. Complex. Okay, yeah. This is a big one. I'm excited about this one. This is a fun one. Diving right in. This girl's so cool, she's gay,

which is the coolest you can be. So that's the first thing we need to get out of the way. And her girlfriend is even cooler because she's bi, which is even so much cooler than gay. Have you ever met somebody who's just straight? Ugh, it's disgusting. It's like, get over yourself. What's the point? Oh my God. I feel like they're just doing it so 2012 they're doing it

for attention yeah exactly like that's why i'm gay now i love that uh what's your relationship history by the way uh just so i can i can understand your your advice through a lens historically monogamous i got married when i was 20 what that's so early you got married at age 20 age 20 in in college we're like middle of college as soon as we found that information out we were mad at you yeah you did what the fuck get out uh why did that why did you how did you when did you we got it was we got married in uh july of 2007 i don't care what month uh and we it was a beautiful wedding yeah the theme was sports we were high school sweethearts and wow we got uh had you know a relationship and then we got engaged then we got married was this all before you lived in la this is like yes this was in florida we also

have this is a fun fact that people usually find fun i'm i'm over it because it's been my entire relationship i can't wait but we have uh the same birthday does that same exact day and year yeah oh that is cool and we have the same uh mom and dad oh that's amazing you guys are twins very progressive this is that we should have had this reaction when he said we were married and the other reaction yeah you really blew your reaction yeah we were sweet about this one yeah oh yeah that's so nice were you guys born in the same city the same hospital same mom no yeah we were born uh different cities i believe different cities same same date same date yeah different cities same mom he grew up in like key west i grew up in central florida we wound up meeting in a high school uh when we were 14 so this is your first lady you basically first everything yeah

and so i am completely uh able to talk as an authority about polyamory on the subject of polyamory it is funny because i know a good group of people who, you know, identify with that sort of lifestyle. And I think it's very interesting. I have other people who are very against it and other people who are. I think it comes down to just the fact that not everybody's cut out for it. Like there's nothing that's great about it or nothing that's bad about it. It's just like, you know, a way to be. But this girl clearly can't be polyamorous.

No, she's like, I was hoping it would never come up. She was hoping like, yeah, polyamory, that's cool. As long as it never happens. Yeah, it sounds cool because you get to hook up with other people. But then you realize it's actually just your loved one hooking up with other people. There's also no playing it cool when you're already this anxious. And it's also like you're not being like the,

I think the mentality of it is like if somebody comes to you and they're like, okay, well, I said I was polyamorous, which is good. Yeah. They were honest. And then they try to act on it. The other person feels like they don't have validation and they're like attachment to that person because they feel like they have to like, you know, appease that sort of thing. But it's like you're not. She's, you know.

Right. She's not being true to herself. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, it's totally cool. I love that because I like you and you're polyamorous and so am i and right i'll find somebody but then she's just going to be like sad by herself yeah exactly so that's not what if your wife broached that topic to you would you be like hell no or would you be like come out of nowhere

like this one was at least set up yeah but sorry i go ahead and answer the question. I just want to fuck your wife. No, that's fine. Jesus Christ, dude. We can... A sister. Yeah, come on, man. That's my twin you're talking about. You know what? I'm going to tell our dad right now, and he's going to be pissed.

Oh, my God. My phone's ringing. I'm your father. This is amazing. You're from Florida. Yeah. Well, if my wife came in and did that, yeah, I'd be like, no. Oh, instantly.

But that hadn't been previously discussed either. Yeah, no, I'm just saying in general. Just in case. You wouldn't be down for that. No, I don't think so. Because I think here's the thing. I think that there is a, the polyamory thing, I think sometimes you can put certain labels on things and it makes it sound maybe a little bit cooler than it actually is in practice.

Polyamory is a cool word. It is super cool. I mean, and it's like, you can, you know exactly what it is right off the bat it sounds very progressive yeah loving like i get to have a lot of threesomes yeah it's amazing i know people who like say that they're polyamorous and they believe that they're like they have so much love in them that it's so much that it can't be just simply for one person yeah i think that's a nice sentiment i don't really necessarily know how that works right maybe i'm just like barely amorous at all so oh you're you're not amorous i'm not

amorous i have no amory yeah exactly i'm amorilis i'm an amor from amorillo so would you ever be down to be polyamorous i feel like it's polyamorous it sounds like it's right up your alley yeah i think the complex thing is just like sticking to your guns when you start to have feelings for someone. Because like polyamory, that's just, I feel like that's almost just like base level for me. Like I want to fuck a bunch of people. Sure. But would you define that as amory or like just poly lust? Yeah, it's poly.

That's what it is. It's poly lust. Like, oh, wow. Yeah. Like I don't, I won't settle down. Like we'll be, hey, we're sort of in a relationship, but we get to hook up with other people, and that's all great. Yeah. But as soon as you start to really like somebody.

Yeah, what do you do? Or at least for me, as soon as I start to really like somebody, I'm like, well, wait a second. Yeah. This is just between us. Yeah, how does that work? This is a thing we got going. Please stay. What are you doing, huh, darling?

How do you get to like, once you start hooking up with somebody else, don't you inherently like the original person less? No, not necessarily. You don't like the original person less. See, I feel like there's, maybe I'm wrong, and I usually am, but I feel like actual polyamory it would be like you're literally like in love with two people oh like in love polyamory like yeah it's not just being single polyamory is like it is a relationship between like multiple people but those people are

in a relationship so it'd be like us three and our other roommate marty right yeah that'd be four of us are just fucking each other and we're all in a relationship and that's pretty good because we can all like sort of interchangeable equality yeah the i think the inherent problem with polyamory is like what if one time i come home from work and you guys are all fucking and it's just like how well whoa you guys just you prefer fucking without me so it's another time you and i just want to go to a movie and you're left at home and it's like, well, wait a second, why don't you guys like me?

It's almost worse because you ever get that feeling in your group of friends like no one's laughing at my jokes and everybody's laughing at another person's jokes? Well, no, because everyone loves my jokes. Actually, your jokes are often very racist. This is a fucking intervention. No, but you know that feeling of not being worthy to other people.

Right. It's like, imagine that being so heightened because the people that you think aren't interested in you are the people that are like your two boyfriends and girlfriends or whatever. Yeah, yeah. It's a little scary.

So there's a difference between an open relationship and polyamory. Polyamory is like a group of three people constantly hanging out. And open relationship is like, oh, I'm hooking up with you. But I also have a side chick and a main piece. Yeah, there's a side chick. There's a main piece. There's a side dish.

There's a thigh piece. What's that last one? Tell me about the thigh piece. It's a Boston Market wrap i've been working on actually yeah and then there's mashed potatoes and corn it's so good boston market dude i love it did they have that in florida no they got it in burbank though really yeah it's the florida of los angeles that's exactly what it really is just really wide, strip malls, and Boston markets. Just rotisserie chickens. Good gas stations.

Oh, great. Just clean shells. Clean shells. Just a nice shell. I like a Chevron. Yeah, you never... Oh, a good Chevron is nice. How about a Hess?

Oh, I don't fuck with Hess, actually. It's a little too East Coast for my taste. You know what? That's fine, man. Anything with Tecron, a Chevron is good. 76. If I just got paid that day. I'm a 76, man, myself.

Really? You have a loyalty. Actually, I prefer a Chevron. I prefer places that have had huge spills. So an Exxon Valdez. You're a VP of yourself. Yeah, I'd like to support them. You like a jaded history.

Yeah, I like the tarnished past. I like the idea of when I'm filling up my tank to imagine a stork just covered in black thick yeah gasoline right i was wondering because i saw the bumper sticker of just the yeah the store well there's a dead stork mounted on your hood too yeah she's my emblem she's the emblem of me used to be an m for your mazda now it's a stork but why but why um like if i had a lady friend and she went mini golfing with someone i'd be like that's okay but why is it so much worse if she kisses somebody like when you hug somebody you have more physical contact than if you kiss but why why would it make me angry to see her kiss somebody what is that about i mean like where

does that jealousy come from i believe that there is certainly more of an intimacy with the kissing yeah definitely how many people you would play mini golf with and then how many people you would let inside of your body right so those numbers are probably five less one of those numbers either way i'm getting fucked if you love somebody and you can comprehend, like, okay, yeah, you can get dinner with somebody, you can play mini golf with somebody, but then they are saying they want to be penetrated by somebody, you say, well, that's a very intimate thing

that I thought you would only do with somebody you care about. Yeah. So you care about somebody else. I think the real question is, can you care about somebody else without diminishing the way you care for the else. I think the real question is, can you care about somebody else without diminishing the way you care for the person you already love? Like, could I love three people?

Yeah, I can't even like date overlapping. I have to like stop one and start the other. Yeah. Which is a little unique, I feel like. The whole thing of polyamory is such a weird thing because it assumes like a very like cut and dried definition of love and then decides to multiply that so i think you like have to like first agree sort of on what love is and if love is simply wanting to like have sex

with people then like that's a very basic definition and then you're not really talking about true polyamory but if you're talking about like love in a much deeper sense then love in a much deeper sense is when you don't necessarily feel that way and you stick with that person anyway and then you know get over that hump at least that's how it feels or that's what you know i read in the pamphlets the polyamory when your wife sent took you to the to the polyamory session yeah i said it before i think but polyamory is the worst of any of them. Really? Like, monogamous relationship, then you've got one person's feelings that you have to consider and care about.

Yeah. Being single, I guess it's still one because it's like... Yourself. Yourself. And I mean, you should always be nice to people. But polyamory, you're in like four relationships. So you're saying it's not carefree. If anything, it's more stress.

It's so much stress. Why on earth would i want to have three girlfriends who like could all get mad at me and they will of course they will because i don't i'm not good when i have one and then they're gonna start talking together and then all of a sudden they're like hey we should invite a couple more guys into this tribe here yeah like whoa whoa whoa that's just polygamy right yeah oh yeah that's not even polygamy is like yeah polygamy is marriage if it's a it's a guy married to like plural plural wives that's and that's very fucked up what about plural husbands that's not polygamy i guess well i just don't know if that exists well why is polygamy bad and polyamory good if it's still like what well polygamy i guess i'm thinking of like mormons polygamy bad and polyamory good if it's still like what well polygamy i guess

i'm thinking of like mormons polygamy right where like they sort of like have arranged marriage marriages arranged by the church and women aren't allowed to have sex with multiple men yeah so that's like all this that's a whole different kind of sort of the inequality right thing okay polyamory i i honestly don't know just in name alone it's just like it sounds nice because it's love for all it's beautiful yeah it's such a nice sounding thing but you know which which one gets the threesomes that's the that's that's the question that's probably uh ryan gosling that's amazing that's what i want to be that's a religion i think i just want to be buff yeah that'd be good talented and handsome yeah but i really like just know that if you lifted weights for three years you still wouldn't be as good as gosling yeah you might be strong it's

crazy because it's it helps to get girls if you're strong it also helps if you're hot and it also helps if you're famous and also talented and let's not forget that he's a talented actor he's a talented so to have all four means he could do whatever he wants he's the king yeah he just chooses what he wants but i wonder if it's lonely at the top if there's no sense of like accomplishment because he also has a good group of core friends his boys from high school but like what do you if everyone's constantly throwing yourself you're speaking on behalf of guys no don't worry about it. I'm his best friend. He'll never be lonely.

There's no fist pumping. It's like, yeah, yeah, I hooked up with her. I hooked up with everybody. It's not good anymore. No, I mean, he's probably just operating on a totally different caliber. Once you get, yeah. Just imagine the game he's playing. What is the game the gods is playing?

It's the game the gods are playing. I mean, just imagine the game he's playing. What is the game the gods is playing? It's the game the gods are playing. Ryan Godling. That is who he is, and that is who True is. He lives on Mount Olympus Drive. Is that a drive pun? No. Oh, interesting. It was just Topanga Canyon.

Yeah, there's a street called mountain with this drive cool uh topanga canyon is how topanga lawrence got her name back really really that's probably true named by bill lawrence is that creator of scrubs this is all true and then he got terminated from boy meets world it's amazing he started spin city in mid spin city and he was a showrunner at 20s i don't know. Who knows? Why was that true? Did he really name Topanga Lawrence? No, no. Yeah, he named Topanga Lawrence after the Topanga Canyon.

I swear to God. He told me. Wait, is that true? Yeah. Are you saying that's true, true? I'm 100%. Wait, Bill Lawrence worked for Boy Meets World? Mm-hmm.

And named her after Topanga Canyon in his last name? Oh, it is his last name. Yeah, it is. Yep. What? I just realized that. That is a realization. That, it is his last name. Yeah, it is. Yep. What? I just realized that. That is a realization. That's not something

I put together. I don't understand. I've never been this confused. Yeah. Well, sometimes I say truths like lies. Yeah. And vice versa.

Yeah, exactly. Especially because the fact that you didn't realize the Lawrence thing. Exactly, which makes it seem like I totally made it up. Did you? No, not at all.

That'd be a weird thing to do. Just come on and make up the most obscure lies. Was Blame It's World even before Spin City? It was, yeah. At least it started before Spin City. I'm sure there was some overlap in the later years of Blame It's World. You're a very good liar if you are lying. I swear to God, I'm not lying. It's very true.

You're tickling my brain. Did we even answer this question? Should I act cool and give polyamory a try or cut and run? No, you should not. I think we said that. She's not being true to herself. You are a one woman woman. I say she should try it.

No. Because the alternative is leaving. So you're going to, it's like. It'll hurt less to break up with her girlfriend right now than it will to watch her girlfriend fuck a guy. How is she trying polyamory if she stays with a girl who's polyamorous, but she's just not at the moment? Then she's just staying. She's half polyamorous.

She's just amorous. She's just like supportive. She just has many loves for this one girl. And all for that one human. So cut and run, cut and run. Stick it out. Aw stick it out stick it out uh all right next question we need a guy's name

that's you oh it's the job of the guest. I'll go with Peter. How do you spell it, dude? It's definitely P-I-T-E-A-R. Peter. P-I-T-E-A-R. Right. A few weeks ago, I started high school, so I thought I would get this girl to date or at least become better friends. We've been friends for a few years, and I have liked her since we first met. Most of the time

in class, she acts like she likes me. However, most of our friends are in other classes, and when we're all together, she basically ignores me. Almost one of my friends, sorry, anyway, one of my friends decided to text her and tell her that I like her. Afterwards, she briefly texted about it, but didn't say too much. The next day at school, we were in the same classes and we sat together. Anyway, it was very awkward, but she acted as if nothing had happened. So when I got home, I decided to text her and ask her who she likes. She texted back saying she likes no one.

I'm really confused. She has told me before that she doesn't want to date anyone right now, and I agree, but at least I want to know if she likes me for the future. Currently, I am a complete dating noob and have never even considered having a girlfriend until now what do you think is there a chance that she's into me who man high school is hard first of all peter and i am so sorry peter yeah imagine high school with texting now i guess we had we had aol chat rooms were you all up on that yeah i got that and then the instant messenger oh aim was the

shit at fucking 3 30 you sign online you see those doors opening yep that was our club late night a.m conversations did you have oh yeah like 2 a.m doing papers like talking there's like nobody else is online except for one person you'd have like these really intense heart-to-heart yeah that screen name that you really really hoped would sign on and when they do it feels so fucking good oh man and then you're just like waiting like waiting waiting for them to im you oh god you're gonna want to be the first one you know oh god do you remember the sound effect yeah the door is closing yeah and opening yeah the closing was definitely very hard to hear what was your favorite away message i don't remember i've gotten asked this before and i

really think i had some i don't know because i know there's people who had like the different colors they were yeah yeah like yeah they got into it i think there's also brb or something like that brb is good classic yeah you know i try to keep it and then there's your profile their profile is that's what i'm thinking of oh yeah yeah yeah you're thinking of profile yeah well did you have an away message that you used to use i liked using percent n because it put that person's screen name in and it kind of fucks with them. Oh, yeah, I remember that, yeah. Percent T also did the current time, so that was like a good look. So nowadays, kids are just all about that text instead of getting into a chat room.

Kids these days, they don't know what they're missing. We used to text on a computer, and now you can text on a computer, but I guess it's slightly different because there's no chat rooms. Actually, I guess it's not that different at all. You can basically AIM with your message. Yeah, like a group text.

Yeah. As long as you just don't have that personal contact. Just don't talk. Yeah, never look at me. Yeah, have you ever had like a super intimate AIM conversation and then it's like the next day at school and you're like, oh, hey, that was me that opened up to you about having a crush on you and now... Now we have a test.

You met your wife at age 14. Yeah. So like this led to actual marriage. Yeah. That's how it usually works. Did you guys flirt on AIM? The girl that you like in ninth grade is your soulmate forever, I think. Yeah.

If you go back and you watch the great romantic films of the ages. Yeah. They all met at age 12. Whoever you had your like AIM profile quote about, that's who you marry you know that right i feel like percent and can you imagine who and whatever it was that who the who the person you liked seeing sign online the most yeah could you imagine being married to that person right now uh yeah i guess i'm're like mine's dead you killed her no um yeah did you wait were you in a relationship instantly at age 14 or you met her at age 14 we met at 14 and then did you have a crush on her uh yeah later on later on crush and then you dated in in college high school and then in

college same college yeah okay you didn't do the long distance for four years no that'd be yeah no coincidentally the same college or you guys chose it because you were lovers shows basically the same well i think we'd both been planning to go to the same college which is what the university of florida where gators the florida gators yeah dude do you know joe kim noah yeah i mean i don't know him but he was at school when i was there. Were you friends with Tim Tebow? Oh, besties. Dude, I actually, no, not besties, but Tim Tebow, I could go on for a long time about him. You know him? I love him dearly. No, I don't know him, but I love him dearly. We graduated in the same ceremony and they, for some reason, let him sit on stage and they didn't let me sit on stage. Just whatever. I'm not bitter about it.

No. Tim Tebow looks kind of like you if you took steroids throughout the University of Florida. I'm not joking to you. That might be the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. Including my wife's vows to me. Yeah, no, that pales in comparison. What you just said, I'm etching that into my gravestone. I look like a weak Tim Tebow. Yeah, I'll take it.

I look like the worst version of Tim Tebow. Which is still hotter than 99% of Americans. It's a Ryan Gosling almost. So this high schooler is a little confused. Well, let's clear it up. She doesn't like you, obviously. You asked her point blank, which is a fun, exciting text to send. Did he ask her point blank, though?

Because he said, who do you like? Who do you like? And that's as close as you can get. Right. Because it opens up the door to the buddy door. I agree. I agree agree i just feel like playing devil's advocate sure maybe okay she as a girl doesn't want to be the first to say that she likes him oh he is yet to say i like you it's only been second hand or through a friend

yeah sort of an open door it still sounds like yeah but she's only nice to him in the one class where they don't have any other friends that's true that's a definite and then like every other all the rest of the time she ignores him and i just think like yep good point no i'm on board devil advocate has been shut down oh no that dude like turned up the podcast when he started playing devil's advocate there is hope there is hope I mean shit yeah I think if somebody doesn't say

if these are high schoolers in ninth grade though I'm gonna throw that out there are they in ninth grade or are we just assuming this is the beginning of what dating is now

it's like everyone is so polite that nobody's saying like I don't like you nobody's saying like no I'm not gonna like saying like, I don't like you. Nobody's saying like, no, I'm not going to. Like she's saying, I don't like anybody. And she's hoping that he takes the hint. And like think about when somebody asks you out and you don't want to go.

You don't say, no, I don't want to date you. You say, I can't this week. I'm busy next week. I'll let you know when it'll happen. But I miss saying like, who do you like? That's like a fun way of saying, who do you have a crush on? Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's true.

But I'm just saying like in the scope of like actual dating right now, a non-response is a no. Right. That's just because of how nice and like non-confrontational we've become. How polite everybody is. Yeah. Which is not exactly what the younger generation is known for. Right. But it's weird how interpersonally they become

very polite that's true it's very very passive not wanting to step on anybody's toes but then they get on i don't want to make anybody feel awkward i want to make somebody feel weird or sad no wonder mean internet comments exist they're probably so pent up and like filled up with like actual emotions and like animosity that that's it's true and they can't be mean to each other because everybody fucking knows each well they are mean to each other but That's the only area. It's true. They can't be mean to each other because everybody fucking knows each other. Well, they are mean to each other. But that's the question. When you said, who do you like? It was like, it's me presuming that I know everybody that you know because

everybody's just hanging out at school. You know 15 people. Who do you like of those 15? And now somebody comes out of town and they visit and they say, are you dating anybody? Who are you seeing? In the vast world of human beings. Yeah. What's her deal? How do I know i know her it's not like what high school does she go to which it's weird people still ask me that about who i'm dating and like i've only dated two high

schoolers since i turned 30 so it's not even like a huge thing good for you man that's great keep it under well one was one was a high school teacher yeah the other one was in sixth grade yeah it evens out the average is like just a normal 21 year old person exactly see you are smart yeah that was not an accurate average well you're smart enough to know that 30 plus six how old are you six and nine it would have been well no 30 plus 12 that's 21 yeah come on man yeah you got it thanks dude man i'm a smart and i look like a weak tim Tebow and this is going great. So unfortunately for this guy, is there any chance that she's into me?

No. I would say probably not. And I would say if you have doubts or you want to know, ask her or at least say you like her. But he's like, do you like anybody? She says no. You want her to be like, do you like me? He's like, no, anybody she says no you want her to be like do you like me he's like no that was two bullets and now he wants to like just point the barrel of the gun right against his head you're right i have no gentle it's so like the friend said this guy likes you if she liked you

then then something would have happened and then you said then you have the courage to say who do you like and she dodged you like you were just asking for it good point good point good point you guys are right you're right you're right you're right guys i feel like i'm the kid now what do you know you've been in a loving relationship since you were in high school happily married for eight years we're the ones that hate each other ourselves and women you don't know how many if you would have written into our podcast at age 19, we would have made fun of you. What are you doing?

You're getting married at this early. I love this woman. I think I want to marry her. You'd be like, no, you're about to go to Florida. You're a teenager, man.

You don't get love. You don't know what true love is. And now you're still married. But you guys are doing great. I mean, no, I've got gonorrhea. I have gonorrhea.

And I have a, I i'm dick i have no dick got the clap i just have pubes i just have pubic lice and no yeah you like never had to worry about stds huh yeah that's pretty nice you skipped a whole shit you skipped text flirting you skipped tinder you skipped any dating app zero yeah do you ever feel like i did on youtube i did a series on tinder yeah where i had tinder and i literally my bio was like i'm doing this as a joke yeah and i did like four or five episodes on my youtube channel and i would just get on there and i would not look at it and i would swipe right oh my goodness on everything just to see what happened and literally the bio was like

don't take it seriously and it still got people i mean every now and then it'd be somebody's like ellie morgan and i'd be like okay well just kidding that's a dangerous experiment it's like i just i basically just combed the world seeing who would fuck me and i saw what happened or who just wasn't reading it too who was just like doing the same thing right and there's so many that's a weird that's a weird app i mean i'm sure i like... It's basically, do you like me? It's do you like me, the app. Who do you like? Based off of this.

Yeah, based on a three inch by three inch image. All I could ever need. That's all I need to know. I do think there's something to that. I do think maybe that you really don't need much more. Yeah, the gut reaction, the split second decision. The instant attraction of you blindly swiping right for four and a half hours. Just what's it called when you fish, but with a net dragging across the ocean floor?

Yeah, drag fishing. Yeah, that's what it's called. Drishing, yeah. All right, let's take a quick break, and then we'll be right back with a little bit more of Elliot Morgan and Jake. Thanks. In a minute. Nice. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, hey, hey, hey, we're back. Elliot. Hey. What are you busy with nowadays? What's your shit? You know, funny you should ask him here. I was just thinking about how if the

plane that i was on from new york to la crashed i wouldn't i wouldn't really have any loose ends and that's like oh that's a little sad way to live so if you're playing crash dance yeah i mean like i feel like i could die and it would be like an all right ending like there's not like uh there's not any open there's not any pots on my fire that i have to tend to sure people might be a little sad but i feel like i've led a full life in these 32 point whatever years if you died i think that's beautiful dude good for you yeah thanks man what do you have what are you looking forward to um just in terms of death in terms of staying alive you want to stay alive you have to live for these days yeah exactly not a lot i'm not gonna lie i mean you're just convinced me we should all die yeah well you have a soulmate

so you'd be leaving someone i've been thinking about getting into drugs oh yeah yeah see how that goes interesting have you ever done it what's the hardest drug you've ever done um the i've done a smidge of the marijuana but i'm not actually a big fan of it oh that's it yeah so you you're relatively clean i've heard good things about mushrooms uh-huh zero uh alcohol you drink i drink far too much oh i see so that's your poison that's the bad stuff that's your point what kind of what's your favorite thing to drink scotch scotch or whiskey in general all the time whiskey guy too yeah i like uh i like bourbon i love bourbon as well i go back and forth oh yeah yeah i kind of ebb and flow between bourbon and not irish whiskeybon as well. I go back and forth. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I kind of ebb and flow between bourbon

and not Irish whiskey anymore because it's just too... Back and forth between bourbon and... I still don't drink Irish whiskey either. It's like water at this point. Do you think this is a funny joke? I actually go back and forth between bourbon and rehab. Yeah, that's good. It's just a funny little joke that I thought of.

That's just a funny... It's very family-friendly. I'm doing... It's very family-friendly. I do stand-up comedy a lot. Whoa, where? And do uh kind of all over but i just am about to go doing actually more touring at the beginning of the year which i'm really excited about oh you're hitting the road what's the like a real biggest city where

what do you think you would draw the biggest crowd i actually don't know they're figuring that out as we speak that was a conversation they're trying to like scientifically deduce it's so fascinating man like i've never you know how we figured it out how we look at our facebook fans and by target we are probably two to three times more popular in canada than any city in america our biggest cities are toronto vancouver and then like new york london and sydney one was one of mine was toronto for sure yeah and i And I was like, cool. Yeah. I had no idea.

I never look at that stuff. And then they were like trying to figure out where to send me. And then the way it works basically is they're like, this is a long process. Like you have to go and you're gonna start building up like local sort of recognition

in these different comedy club venues or whatever, which is so cool. It's like prove yourself that you can sell tickets. Exactly. And then you do a little bit and a little bit more, which is so cool. Like I'm just like, prove yourself that you can sell tickets. Exactly. And then you do a little bit, a little bit more. It's so cool.

And so, uh, and then I'm, that is on the heels of my comedy special premature, which comes out December 10th on Vimeo on demand. Whoa. That was here. How smoothly that came out. Very smooth.

So you're going to be on the road in early December. Uh, it'll be, no, it'll be early January. I think. Oh, after that.

Yeah, I think comedy clubs and the special comes out december 10th and the special comes out december 10th and then kind of staying here and trying to to do you know um like podcasts and stuff huh yeah look at us i don't know what that means this is like the online world is now like you don't do talk shows for movies you do podcasts for internet uh specials boom and we're all we've all done stuff for youtube instead of television boom this is all lit this is the future because kids aren't watching tv anymore they are downloading their apps

failing at a meeting they're downloading they're all snapping and chatting they're not buying their apps from the walmart they're downloading them from the App Store. Are you all up on Snapchat? No, I was for a while and then I got off of it. Couldn't handle it, right? I was like you. At first, I didn't quite understand. I felt like an old man at a kid's party.

And now I'm more into it than Facebook and Twitter. I saw the goof filters that they did. Yeah. They started charging for the goof filters. Is that true? Yeah. Charging for the goof filters. So they showed us all the filters, right?

And now you can like, if you swipe far enough, it's like, oh, remember this old one? You can use it for 99 cents. Wow. They give you the free, that's the drugs. They give you some free shit to get you hooked. Now I need the goof filters. I'm pretty good without it. I need the drugs. They give you some free shit to get you hooked. Now I need the goof filters. I'm pretty good without it. I need the goof.

You know what? I think my Snapchat's doing on their own. What's your Snapchat name? You don't use it, really. Yeah, I don't know. It's not entertaining at all. You know what? I will plug a friend of mine, though.

Let's do it. Steve Zaragoza has the best Snapchat. Really? Yeah. Steve Zaragoza? Yeah, he's a fellow SourceFed guy. Shit. He is brilliant on Snapchat. I'm a mere bloom on Snapchat. the best snapchat really yeah steve zaragoza yeah he's a fellow source fed guy from shit he is brilliant on snapchat i'm i'm amir bloom on snapchat you should follow me dude i will i'm

serious do it right now i see you looking at my pocket demand 85 i feel like we didn't choose our names based on how popular we thought snapchat was gonna be you know what man 85 dude mine was elliot sucks like just e-l-l-i-o-t-t-s-u-c-k-s in case you're wondering but yeah it was that's how because i started like way back when i first i was like no maybe i'll use this right but now my snapchat is more popular than my instagram amir blumenfeld was it taken i know i didn't even look i just looked for amir and then b-l-o-o-m and i'm like oh that's good enough but i yeah everything else is very very methodically chosen um yeah everything it's kind of a weird it's yeah it's like kind of a break from i think if you're an online personality having a break from your brand is like a very important thing well it's not even a break now it's the whole fucking thing then yeah then you then you kind of restructure your entire brand

around somebody told me that. Like, Snapchat's a life raft from the dying social media of old. Twitter and Facebook. Blow it up now before it's too late. That's fucking... Wow, jeez. You're taking that crap way too seriously. Well, nobody actually told me that. It was a wizard in a dream I had.

And then I woke up... What was his Snap name? JakeDaman85. I love it. It was you with a long beard, if you can imagine. That's hilarious. So you're hitting the road in January. You have a,

yeah, your standup special. Standup special coming out. Very excited about it. Yeah. And it's, it's sort of the comedy I've been working on for a few years while I've been doing other things like hosting for Mental Floss.

And then I have a new show on SourceFed called The Study where I play like this horrible human being uh named elliot c morgan oh different guy yeah totally different guy the c stands for uh it changes every episode but so far it's been like cocaine crook uh oh and those are different versions of yourself yeah it's all just terrible terrible stuff he's like he's like a one percenter but like a one percenter of one percenters. Oh, the top of the top. Yeah.

The creme de la creme. The creme de la creme. Which is another C word. Yeah. Oh, that'll be the next episode. You're just cream. Creme de la creme, Morgan. You're French. You're a French pastry chef.

Exactly. But yeah, that's it. And then mostly, and then, I don't know, what else is there? There's holidays. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's exciting. You want to plug just Hanukkah?

Yeah. Shout out to Hanukkah. I mentioned that. Early December. Learning a lot about that. Yeah. Oh, you gotta. Yeah.

Hanukkah is the life raft of Christmas that's slowly sinking. So you better start blowing it up now. It's the shape of a latke. They're trying to kill Christmas. You know that. This guy designed the new Starbucks top. Do you have those socks that are like those ankleless socks yeah how do you feel about them uh i dig them i like them all right uh do you feel like they're

socks do you feel like you're wearing like your feet are like comfortable in them it looked they look so thin they're not i mean my feet aren't very i don't notice them i just like the idea that when i wear my shoes you can't see any you can't see any sock especially with these tight well i don't know about the crocs but like the yeah i don't know if i was supposed to the joggers but yeah the joggers and the nikes you can tell people that i'm wearing crocs on the podcast i didn't want to yeah you're gonna out me but yeah i wear crocs in the house because of a chronic heel injury oh really yeah i do i oh yeah i've got heel pain all the time no way dude i'm so sorry i broke my heel a couple years ago, and it never healed correctly.

You've probably told this story a thousand times. I don't know if I have ever on the podcast. Maybe I have. How'd you break the heel? I was rock climbing in Angeles National Forest. You just killed any chance of me ever rock climbing. Oh, no. It's totally worthwhile.

It's not dangerous. I did something really dumb. No, I don't think so, man. Yeah, I think I'm out. Yeah, shit. First try totally worthwhile. It's not dangerous. I did something really dumb. Nah, I don't think so, man. I think I'm out. Yeah, shit. First try the mushrooms. Trust me. We can do them at the same time, man.

That's how I hurt myself. All right, we're running out of time, but I do want to get to one last question. Let's do it. Because we only have so much of Elliot Morgan in our lives. Isn't that true? The wisdom. Let's get one last dude's name.

Oh, is it still me? It's all you I already came up with Peter and Jessica I'm trying to think like what's like the coolest dude's name oh you know what I'll do Tanner come on Tanner is cool

alright Tanner what about Tannist wouldn't that be cooler like he's the Tannist one yeah the Tannist cause like T that be cooler? Like he's the Tannist one? Yeah, the Tannist. Because like Tan is a pretty cool name. Tanner, even cooler. But if your name is Tannist? Yeah.

I don't know. I like Tanner. Tanning, and he's just in the middle of tanning. Oh, that's good. We don't have to decide what extreme yet. Tanner writes. I just dropped your fur coat on the ground. That's okay.

I don't want to reveal that you guys have a fur coat. Yeah, Jake has to wear a fur coat for his heel that never actually crocks nothing else jake looks like a schizophrenic i've been trying to think honestly since you guys started talking i've been trying to come up with tanning chatham i think that's what it is yeah yeah you got it all right great tanning chatham's really good yeah tanning chatham tanning chatham i'm sweating illegitimate twin sister tanning chatham writes oh no this is a guy tanning chatham tanning chatham i'm sweating for illegitimate twin sister tanning chatham writes i know this is a guy tanning chatham the guy writes veering on the more mature side of your audience i'm 32 i write to you about a conundrum i face whenever is it yeah so i was

right tanning chatham is channing tanning's illegitimate sister right uh she's 32 and she has a conundrum she faces when she's dating. Through the ages of 18 through 25, I was vocal about my sexual desires, especially anal sex. This attracted perhaps one or two genuinely good relationships with amazing sex, but a whole string of assholes who immediately pegged me as a booty call material, which doesn't interest me at all. My conclusion was, men instantly associate a sexually liberated vocal female as a quick lay who doesn't respect herself and doesn't need respect. Growing up and beginning to abide by the mantra, you attract what you project,

I've had to censor myself over the years, become more prim and even a little coy. This saw a change in the types of men who I attracted, decent, wholesome men who want a monogamous relationship and do respect me. The problem is this. These good boys are also good boys in bed. They're vanilla. There's nothing more frustrating than being in a long-term relationship with someone who dislikes anal. But this doesn't become clear for the first two months. You're still getting to know each other. By then, you either deal with it

or break up. Quite a waste of time. A life without posterior delights is a dull life indeed. Having followed you from College Humor to your podcast, you two embody the ass dichotomy. One of you loves the ass. Eh.

The other does not. What are some ways to spot an ass man without bringing it up before you start getting intimate? How can you tell if someone is sexually adventurous? Are there any tell-tale signs? Regards, Tanning Chatham. That's a very mature question yeah yeah uh first of all two things one i never said i disliked butts i just said i've never had anal sex and it's a little

dirty sex i don't know if i said it was dirty yeah that's why but that's it but i wouldn't but she's saying that i'm not an ass man i still like asses i just think that anal sex is i've never done it if someone wanted to try it, perhaps I'd be into it. Number two, vanilla is the best flavor. So don't fucking call me. That's not an insult.

Sorry. I happen to like vanilla. It's funny that you defending yourself is like, it proves her point. Like I never said I wasn't an ass man. I might try anal if somebody asked me to. I just find it dirty. And I love the flavor of vanilla like we

know we know you think it's the best flavor i'm just saying vanilla gets a bad rap what are your thoughts on vanilla v chocolate really quick that is not the question she has 100 more vanilla than chocolate okay but i'm not a chocolate person in general uh it is chocolate's dark chocolate we can go for now but yeah you don't have to answer this question but uh anal yay or nay keep in mind if you're not comfortable we're not forcing you to answer i won't hear nay because i don't think that it is a yay or nay oh it's a gray thing it's a gray a yay gray or nay i think that to aunt to speak to her and i know she's not talking to me and this she had no idea you were going to be here but she's about to benefit from your wisdom. Tanning, I'm Elliot.

It's nice to meet you. And I would be described as one of the vanilla gentlemen. I grew up in a very conservative environment in Florida, and therefore the prospect of sexual liberation in males and females is certainly something that is a process. But in my humble opinion, I think that it's very important to broach the subject uh as you get to know somebody not in a way that you try to or not to try to um

label them from the outside because you really don't know and i would also argue that some of these men who might be considered vanilla uh maybe are simply having hang-ups of their own and therefore that requires simply more open conversations would be my idea, but that's all theoretical. Who knows? And I'll say, I have your personal email and I'll fuck you in the ass. If,

uh, silence for a moment, it looked like he was making eye contact with me though. And I was like, you're right. You do. You do Jake. For the record, i will fuck you in the ass ellie that's not even what she's asking for bad advice and get in the bed i just wanted to uh yours was yours was so thoughtful i wanted to please yeah

no you gotta bring it back uh no yeah that's that i think it's a good point that the people she's complaining about being vanilla, they may also have desires to fuck her in the ass or like to play with her butt. Like it could be a me situation. Well, like it could be even, it could be a me situation. They could be dying to touch her butthole and they're like, she's so prim and proper. She doesn't want me to touch her butthole. But wouldn't that come up in the first couple sexual encounters? Don't people understand if you're a butt smith? No, I've definitely had sex where I wanted to touch a butthole,

and I didn't because I wanted to. But two months feels like a long time to get through before even broaching the butt subject. It puts her in a tough situation to have to be the person who is the guide. Yeah. Which puts even more pressure on her but i feel like you know if she's wanting both things and she's wanting like a lasting committed relationship with like a good dude who's not who's going to view her with respect

then it might you know depending on that dude's psychological makeup it might require i don't know maybe not though is she stereotyping is it really that cut and dry that like mean guys like anal and prim proper nerds that might be good marriage material don't or can you find both considering like anal sex like kind of a deviant sexual behavior which i don't think it is but there is something but but that's all I could think about. But, but, but, but. Ask yourself this. I do think that the way to do it, if she wants to talk about this type of thing with people, is to ask what their fetishes are and stuff. Because once people share their fetishes, they're a lot more open to hearing about it. It's a nice way, because it's kind of weird to be like, can I tell you what I like?

I like when you do something to my butt. Yeah, this is the beginning of day two weird to be like can i tell you what i like i like when you yeah this is the beginning of my day too it's like hey what do you like in bed it's like probably after you've gotten to know somebody and you've like been intimate with them it's a communication thing more so than like i think right ultimately boils down to his communication which i think means that she will not be able to ever look upon another person and know based on their like what if yeah like you can't necessarily know if the person's an ass man though but like i could assume you guys could have switched that around and i would have had no idea oh really because it's you don't know yet what if like it's when

you're hooking up with somebody what's the first part of their body that you grab uh i guess their boobs i yeah and i'm the ass i do ankles is that weird well you're like a bully you're a schoolyard bully that's shaking your mate upside down They're boobs. Yeah, and I'm the ass. I do ankles. Is that weird? Well, you're like a bully. You're a schoolyard bully that's shaking your mate upside down until the coins fall out. Is that not what sex is? No, that's actually... I'm so stupid. Yeah, you're stealing somebody's milk money in a cartoon.

That's what I've been doing? Yeah, you've been in a cartoon. You've been a cartoon bully. I got a sense of text. Have you ever... What about sticking... This is going to sound stupid it's gonna sound like a joke but what if she sticks a cucumber in her ass what if she sticks a cucumber in her

ass are you just asking in sort of a theory what would happen hey guys what if this is gonna sound like a joke and it's gonna sound like i'm not being serious but what if on a first or a second date she leans over spreads her asshole open she shoves a cucumber or a second date, she leans over, spreads her asshole open, and she shoves a cucumber or a dill or a pickle in her ass? Jesus Christ. This is going to sound like I'm making something up or I'm not trying to answer the question. You are making it up. You're for sure making something up.

No, it's going to sound completely untrue and like I'm not even... It's going to sound unhelpful. You're asking a hypothetical question. What if during the date, and I'll try to take this seriously. What if during the day, let's say they're out at a restaurant. Or yeah, or a cafe. Or a cafe. Because I like a date date.

It has cucumbers. It'll probably be a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then she, or she might have brought it on her own. She can bring the cube, yeah. So she'll stand up. She'll stand up, yeah. And bend over at the table.

That's right. And stick a cucumber. In her asshole. I couldn't advise that. That would be the most psychopathic thing yeah that would be she would be carted away to a mental hospital for doing that right it's lewd indecent illegal yeah behavior okay yeah it's public indecency okay so what were you saying i was telling you how bad of a suggestion it was no before before i weighed in um what was your suggestion what is she supposed to shove up there nothing got it communicate

and and all and just like you know hook up with people if they're grabbing your butt then they might be a butt man i think you can bring it up a little grabber you might be a little early you might be able to bring it up a little earlier than two months in i think you can bring it up a little. You might be a little early. You might be able to bring it up a little earlier than two months in. I think you can definitely bring it up earlier than two months in. During a sexual thing, however long that takes. And if it's two and a half months, that's okay, too. If it's three months, that's okay. Yeah, let's cut it off at three, though.

Three and a half months, you gotta go. Yeah, bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, butthole. I wonder, like, what if, yeah, just during sex for the first time, you just tell them, tell somebody, oh, but her problem is that she thinks when she asks for butt stuff early on that then guys uh consider her a floozy right marriage material it labels them in a certain way but that's also i mean i feel like they're i don't know there's

ways to convey sort of that she's not that. Right. I think by, she's 32 now. By the time we like are, I can't really connect with like the 20 year old version of myself, but I think at least now that I'm 30, if somebody asks for something in their butt, I don't think they're a whore. Right.

Especially if there's already like, I don't know, cucumber. Right. I was going to say cucumber in there. Leave that. I'm going to. You're near, your knees are touching your ears.

You are trying to stick a pickle in your ass right now. That was actually a cuke. The thing is my colon is filled with brine. Right, okay. Anyway. That's a great term. A cuke makes you puke? I don't really have any advice for her.

I wish her the best of luck yeah highly communicative that's what you got to be yeah but she is but but i think it can come a little earlier than the two month mark sure with or without vegetables in your ass i know jake suggests one way and i'm another you guys compliment i already forget which who suggested what at this point you suggested her publicly fucking herself with a vegetable and i suggested talking a lot right okay yeah i guess two different paths to each no you're right that's exactly the way it went down uh elliot thanks for coming by guys thank you so much this is awesome dude i'd love to open for you when you're on the road oh

yeah that's how it'll work for sure. Hey, you're going to get rejected, so let's do it not on mic. We should mention that we're going on the road too. On December 2nd, 4th, 5th, and 6th, we're going to be in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver. Tickets are still available at fireyoushow.com. Anything you want to plug? One last time. Elliotmorganspecial.com.

Oh, that's the URL? Yep. Elliot ElliotMorganSpecial.com oh that's the URL ElliotMorganSpecial.com trailer dropping soon website should be live by the time this goes up hell yeah dude let us know because I want to watch it now it'll be good the opening theme song was written by a fan the closing one also written by a fan

if you have any theme songs of your own or questions for us, the email address for everything is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com Thank you, Morniol, for writing the opening one, and this closing one is written by Dylan Barstow. Thanks again to Elliot for coming by.

Thank you. Much appreciated. We'll be back next week. Bye! Bye. with a bitch. He's got the kind of rhythm that makes a man cringe, but I'm Jack the Perfect Mixer with a delicate syringe. And a beer to you, I can really relate, cause I don't speak game, or like your buddy Jake, and I keep a straight lace, even when I'm on a date. I use statistics to analyze this fate, so all you fools out there who are feeling dope, if you've had less sex than the Catholic Pope, well look no further only one place left to go just stick around for me if I were you show

that was a HeadGum podcast