Segments - 187: Old Bully (live in Brooklyn!)

Episode Date: December 7, 2015

In this episode we discuss Serbia, Yu-Gi-Oh! and masturbation injuries. Recorded at "The Hall at MP" in Williamsburg, BK! This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, Leesa, and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Here are Hurwitz and Jake Blumenfuss! Yeah! Yes! Yes! Nice mic situation. Yes! On the knees. I love it.

Wow. Such short mic stands Why? Insulting almost actually Y'all met us backstage You knew Even if I sat down this was too low Right Way too low

But I like what you're doing with the holding the entire thing Yeah That's nice It's not even heavy either I could go all night. Yeah, dude. Shit. All night.

You can put it down. Okay. Nice. Hey, wow, it's really nice to be back in Brooklyn. We're Jay-Z's tonight. Yeah. Tonight I am Carmelo Anthony. Slightly more talented.

Less, way less. Slightly more Jewish. More Jewish. Way more Jewish. How are you guys doing? Wow. This is fun. Guys, we used to live here.

Yeah. This used to be my apartment. You were so rich back then. Yeah. This was a studio, and I swear to God, it cost me $9 a month. This neighborhood has changed. It's changed. It really has.

There's a Levi's store. Excuse you. And a Starbucks. It's awesome. How amazing is that? I love Excuse you. And a Starbucks. It's awesome. How amazing is that? I love it. Oh my God, it's so much better. There used to be some fucking mom and pop.

Oh, do you want coriander? No, I don't want a fucking coriander. I want Levi's. I want coffee. Yes. Come on, dude. If I'm not ordering a Trenta something, I don't want to fucking talk to you. Now I'm paying $14 for a juice? Hanging out with people who can only afford a $14 juice?

It's the best. We fucking phased the losers out. Wow, dark. Ah, shit. Well, who here came from not in Brooklyn to see this show? Yeah, not Brooklyn! Where did you guys come from? Alberta?

Who said it? Canada? Bullshit, you came just for the show, or you were here for another reason? Just for the... How long of a drive or flight is it from... Five or six hours flight. Wow. You didn't come for the show.

Liar. We barely came here for the show. You had some other shit going on in the city. You piggybacked on this. We're out in Western Canada. Western Canada? Like British Columbia? We have a show in Vancouver in like three weeks.

You better start walking back now. You're not walked up on the airfare. I have shool. You have shool? I go to shool. You are in love now. Look at me. I am a shool.

I'm a matzo ball. Yeah. Somebody spray painted a swastika on my back. Really offensive. I'm still trying to figure this out. Well, yeah, I mean, borderline doesn't matter, but we'll have to figure it out at some point.

Yeah, no, it'll be an issue. I can't wait. Yeah, well, I'm gonna do it. It's gonna be fine. Thanks, man. Do mine, too. Okay. Both of them? Yeah.

I'll juggle or some shit to stall. Do it. Does anyone have a glass or a bowling pin? Perhaps a chainsaw? No, don't. I'm very uncoordinated. I nailed one. That was a pretty good...

Oh, so one and done, huh? Yeah. I don't know. It feels right. You think you're good. That's it for you? And in terms of me, I have to just... That one's your fuck now. Pop a squat. This is the master mic, and that's sort of like...

That's sort of a mini master mic, if you will. That's a nice rapper name, Master Mike. Yeah. Whatever. Actually, I think that was the fourth Beastie Boys mixed Master Mike. Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, baby. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. All right. So, who here doesn't know who we are? Get the fuck out.

This is us at a Duane Reade earlier. Everyone had to leave. And then we just loaded up on, I don't know, lip balm. But the egg kind? You know how girls have the kind that's an egg? Why the egg? Not a convenient shape for a pocket. Just get the stick.

Is all. Yeah, no, this is your five minutes of stand-up. And another thing about eggs. What? You got the yolk. Sure. The whites. Naturally.

But what's the shell? Nobody talks about the shell. Yeah, dude. Tell them about the shell! What's the nutritional ingredient? Thank you. Thank you. No.

This is all... I'm trying new shit out. All right, eggshell. Your phone's dead. God damn it. How eggshell is a color, but egg yellow is not. I mean, it just goes on for pages and pages. Nine texts from your dad that your mom sent.

No, we don't know how to do stand-up. So for those of you who don't know, Jake and I have an advice podcast. It's a radio show that you download and listen to at the gym. Of course. And how it works is people will email us. They'll email us to ifireashow at gmail.com. And these are people who are in difficult places in their lives. They're in sticky situations.

They don't know better. They're dumbasses. They're so dumb. And we're so good. No, you don't want to say that. Alienate everybody really quick. Jake and I aren't really experts at much but we are kind of experts at being 20-somethings.

I've been at it for 12 years now. You were so good at being 20,somethings. I've been at it for 12 years now. You were so good at being 20, we turned 30. We survived our 20s, so we know that much. And usually it's just Jake and I in our apartment naked, holding each other

in our study. Ooh, I love it. Which is why we're going to do a nude here tonight. You guys are applauding, but if we actually did it everyone would leave some of you would be mortified this wouldn't be good and you'd get used to it and you wouldn't be nervous because you're imagining us

I guess you wouldn't even have to imagine us we'd be nude my dick would be out my balls would hit the stool. No, that's over-selling them a little bit. Well, I'd be like this and my balls would just be spread on the stool. Right on the corner.

On the corner of the stool. On the edge. Yeah, like a water balloon. You know the slow motion of a water balloon hitting a face? We don't need more description than you've offered. You know the Dali painting where clocks are melting? The persistence of scrotum, just... Or that photo where the guy's screaming and he sort of...

Yeah, Edvard Munch's The Scream. The Scream. And it's like that, but it's my balls. Uh-huh, the ball. Yeah, this is me pitching art to an art museum. As you're getting carried out. Yeah. This is freedom of speech.

We'll never die. So yeah, if you guys are okay, I mean, I think it would be fun if we tried to answer some questions. Let's record a podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We are going to sit at this point. Are you going to use the mic stand?

I think I'm going to start with it for sure. Yeah, I like it. It's cool. I'll do this thing where I'm just like... Oh, I hate that. I think this is like a casual chill way to sit. The opposite of casual. It's so contrived.

It looks... Yeah, the arm, the hand, the fingers are so rigid. Yeah. So I'll just be like, hi. I mean, your hand's not even at rest. That's also not at rest. It's just angled. Yeah, that looks like it's strained.

More strained. More. It's definitely more. All right. Try relaxing everything. Nice. Not everything. All right.

We got three bottles of water. Oh! I ain't drinking the water, baby. Nice, dude. You really, um... Yeah! I got a problem! Yeah!

You actually haven't had water in a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. I'm all bullet all day. Yeah, I saw you urinating earlier, and it was thick, bright yellow. This is my urine. Yeah, that is your pee-pee. It looked like a highlighter mixed with whiskey.

Fair. All right, I have in my pocket a phone. Sure, that's standard. Cheers. Oh, yeah, cheers. But at the same time... Before we get started, cheers. But at the same time... Before we get started, cheers! We should have like a cheers thing that we do at live shows.

Oh, that's like a chant. Yeah, like a chant. Yeah. We're like, easy does it, we will, oh no. It's too early. We'll get there, we'll get there, we're all gonna do it. We're all gonna die. Let. We're all going to die. Let me enjoy it for a second.

It is fun to think about how in 100 years all of us will be dead. All right. I have in my phone. But you most of all. Yeah. Oh. Someone in here will be the first to die. All right.

Isn't that weird? Crazy. God, I hope it's me. No. I can't stand to see all my new friends go away before i do how selfish that is i wish i'd die first i don't want to bury a buddy yeah you have to deal with that yeah and i'm just gone you're like the guy that doesn't empty out the dishwasher i am absolutely the guy that empties out the dishwasher let's read read the question. So these are real emails from real people.

We're going to give them fake names, you know, just to preserve their anonymity. What we need right now is a fake guy's name to get us started. I heard... I heard Crandus. Crandus has followed us from show to show. Somehow on Tuesday, Crandus was in Muhlenberg in Allentown, Pennsylvania, where nobody is. We performed to an empty house, just Crandus.

His name every single question. His eyes on us, burning, burning eyes. Crandus Rice. He didn't laugh once. This is fun, you guys. Yeah, come on. Who here is having the least fun? Yeah.

You raised your hand and you didn't clap, so I definitely believe you. Grandis writes, Hey, cool dudes. I'm getting bullied by a 50 year old woman That's it I work at a dollar store in Canada Woo like everybody also works at the dollar store

Oh it was the Vancouver folks That's what's up Alberta Yeah of course Woo, like everybody also works at the dollar store? Oh, it was the Vancouver folks. That's what's up. Alberta. Yeah, of course. Was that Calgary? I said Vancouver. It's all the same.

It's all a blob. I'm getting bullied by a 50-year-old woman. I work at a dollar store in Canada, and one of my coworkers is an immigrant from Serbia. For the past few weeks, every time we cross paths at work, she'll make a comment on my weight. She, yeah, it's funny. She laughs.

She laughs in my face and says things like, I thought you were on a diet. And wow, you're getting so fat. She says it in front of the manager and everything. This girl doesn't give a shit. A few days ago, she burst out laughing and yelled, oh my doesn't give a shit. A few days ago she burst out laughing and yelled, oh my god, you're fat. So I

flipped her off. Now I'd like to emphasize, she's 50. So I felt weird giving her the finger, but I didn't know how else to react. She hasn't listened to me asking her to stop. The following day she confronted me, calling me rude and disrespectful.

I told her I'm sorry, but I can't let her keep bullying me. She denied ever doing it, like I would suddenly realize it's all in my head. After she denied and refused to apologize, I walked away. The following day, yesterday, I thought we were past it, so I said hi, and she said

I hate you. And walked away. Please guide me on how to deal with bullying by a woman more than twice my age who barely knows English. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. Jesus Christ. If your life isn't bad enough when you work at a dollar store in Canada... A 50-year-old Serbian calling you fat.

Yeah. It really hurts. Especially if he is fat, which it sounds like he has to be. It's such a weird level of sad to make your bully sad. Yeah. She's like, I hate you. You were mean to me. Yeah, cheer up, bully.

What did he even do? He gave her the finger? He gave her the finger Which in Serbia is a lot worse And this lady survived ethnic cleansing So it actually She's been through a lot Yeah, at this point, I mean, I feel like if you get bullied

The best thing to do is to just let it go The bully is trying to get a rise out of you Is that what it is? Yeah, they're trying to needle you, get you to be mad So you know what I do when I'm getting bullied? Sure, go ahead. I giggle like a little schoolgirl. You often get bullied for your giggle, don't you?

It's a self-fulfilling... Look at this little bitch giggle. Oh, I hate it. Yeah, see? But then once you flip her off, that's like saying, oh, you've gotten to me, bully. How bad is the finger that would be like, oh, what did I do to deserve that? I hate you. I hate you now.

It sounded like she already hated him a little. Yeah, because he was fat. Yeah. You know, living well is the best revenge. Maybe this guy can just lose weight. No, then she wins. He has to get fatter. He's got to get so fat that he dies from a heart attack.

Yeah, oh, yeah. You think I'd give a shit stuffing a calzone in his mouth? Yeah. A lasagna? Yeah. You know that G's not silent. Yeah. It's a lasagna.

Huh? A lot of people don't pronounce that correctly. I hadn't thought about it at all. Of course. And you are Italian. Exactly. All right. Is that an insult? Are

you bullying me right now? I honestly don't know. Hey, that's the worst thing you can do to someone. I love that he feels a little guilty about it. I thought we were past it. I gave her the... I'm so surprised that's all he did. He should tell on her. She did it in front of my manager. This girl doesn't care. Of course she doesn't care. What a bad manager. She's a 50-year-old from Serbia. Oh, let her do her thing. She did it in front of my manager. This girl doesn't care. What a bad manager. She's a 50-year-old from Serbia. Oh, let her do her thing. She's just having fun with you, fat ass.

I'm on her side. I'm on team 50-year-old from Serbia. You are? Yeah. She probably survived a lot of terrible things in her war time. You don't know if she was around for Kosovo. Who knows when she... She's mean.

She's calling him fat. That's undeserved. That's the nicest thing you can do in Serbia. I don't know. Sure. But now he wants advice on how to become friends with her again. My buddy the bully.

What if he quits? Isn't there a $2 store? Oh, that's actually not a terrible... Start your own store. What a terrible idea for a store. Because you're not even undercutting the competition. It's a little bit higher quality. Little bit higher quality.

Double the price, same quality, $2 store. Fair. I like it. No 50-year-old Serbians allowed. That's the name of the store. Yeah. How are they going to make that fit on a sign? Doesn't matter. Easy. The sign is also fat. That's how it works.

Thank you! Nice. Namaste. We didn't help them, but let's answer another. I think the general advice is to not be perturbed by bullying. Yeah, sure. Or not be fat. Either one. Sure, not be fat, not be ugly,

not be quote-unquote gay. You're putting words in my mouth and that's not fair. I do hate gay people, but I wasn't going to share that with people. I do hate gay people, but I wasn't going to share that with people. I'm just kidding. All right. Hurwitz says, you said I hate gay people

is all. We're going to edit this podcast out of context. That's going to be an animated gif. Oh, all right. I got a good one. I need another guy's name. Shmoo-moo! Shmoo-moo! Shmoo-moo?

That's nice. Shmoo-moo's good because Amir's middle name is what? Shmoo-ell! Shmoo-ell! Shmoo-ell! Shmoo-ell! Shmoo-ell! Shmoo-mmuel, Shmuel Shmuel, Shmuel, Shmuel Shmuel, Shmuel, Shmuel

Whoa, whoa Unwarranted What do you think of Shmuela DeVille As a Halloween costume A Dalmatian coat and a kippah Yeah, or a Dalmatian talit That's nice

And a rabbi Sure, yeah, that works I hate thinking of Halloween costumes in November Or a Dalmatian Talit That's nice And a rabbi Yeah Sure yeah That works We're just I hate thinking of Halloween costumes In November Which is why

We should have Halloween in May Just like they were Talking about On the Twinnovation podcast Twinnovation shout out That's actually true He's actually here tonight

Right Ben Huff No but let's still Yeah no We'll get to him Alright That's actually true. He's actually here tonight, right? Ben Huff? No, but let's still... Yeah, no, we'll get to him. All right. ShmooMoo writes... Yeah, we heard you. Sup, guys?

Huge fan of the podcast. I truly hope you can advise me out of my current predicament, and I would greatly appreciate the help. Let's get right to my issue. Me and my dime of a girlfriend of seven months have been looking for new and exciting ways to spice up our sex life. Nice. The laziest

hand there ever was. Kanye on the couch, watching HGTV. I just love Property Brothers. Look at that barn door. Hand. Eating an almond. Missing his mouth? Yeah.

Where'd it go? Where'd it go? I'll vacuum later. That's funny. That's all I ever try to do. A Kanye vacuum. What does the Kanye vacuum sound like again? Just read the quote. I'll do it after.

Thanks, man. First things... Oh, naturally, the first thing we were going to try to do to spice up our sex life was to try different positions. First on the list, the old dip pump, of course. Do you guys know what the dip pump is? Great. What's the dip pump, you ask? I'll let you know. First, she gets on the ground and lays on the back of her neck with her torso lifted off the ground, heels overhead, and ass to the heavens. Next, I straddle her thighs facing away from my

mate so that she gets a nice view of my greasy brown eye. Good writing. Once I bend my shaft downward, I start to pop some hearty squats into her delicious fur. To my horror, just a few pumps in, I farted straight onto her chin. And to make bladders worse, a bit of fecal matter squirted out.

That's right, I literally sharted onto my soulmate's face. Naturally, the two of us were mortified and I immediately fled the scene of the chocolate crime. She called me later that night and said everything was completely fine. And she hasn't brought it up since. Completely

fine? How can she act this way when I ass-blasted a doody-goat-tee on her? What the fuck? I'm terrified of how calm and okay she was with this entire dare I say, fee-ass co. Is she into this shit, literally?

Should I be worried? Should I dump this scat dominatrix dame? Or maintain a relationship with this fecal fetish fiend? Love, Shmoo Moo. Shmoo Moo. I think I have the dip pump in my head.

What is it? If we're like... I am demonstrating it with my fingers. I could be the girl. I could be the girl. I do like you volunteered to be the girl. So.

Didn't say I was going to do it. First, she gets on the ground and lays on the back of her neck with her torso lifted off the ground. Um... Next, I straddle her thighs, facing away from my mate, so she gets a nice view of my greasy brown eye. And then once I bend my shaft downward, I start to pop some hearty squats

into that delicious fur. So let's do three squats and then a fart. I already did. There's so many bones in my face right now. One, two, three. Squat, poop, and run away of the scene. She's mortified. She's mortified.

Oh, my god. So many. That was captured. We can't undo that. I graduated college, man. This is so much worse for me. At least I failed out.

She was actually reading when it was happening too. This is so much worse for me. At least I failed out. What up? She was actually reading when it was happening too because it was advice from her email address. She was holding a microphone. Oh dear. He left without saying a word. Like he just grabbed his clothes and ran? Changed in the elevator. How? Like, he just grabbed his clothes and ran. Changed in the elevator. How...

Um... All right, I'm trying to black out what just happened so I can focus on the problem at hand. Yeah, see, you were fully clothed doing it. Imagine actually taking a shit on someone. Well, like, he got away with murder. He pooped on his girlfriend, and she was like, it's cool. And

he's going to take that like golden opportunity to get off scot-free. And he's like, you're disgusting. Yeah. You liked that? What if he breaks up? What if he thinks she's into it and just starts pooping on her more? What else could he think? Yeah. He's like a murderer. It's like as if OJ was found not guilty and he's like, well, I don't want to live in a society That would find me this way OJ was found not guilty Exactly, but he took it He didn't swander the opportunity

OJ took it like a man Yeah, it's like the Karl Marx thing I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member He's given an opportunity And he's saying, no, thank you I don't want to live with a girl that would be okay with that thing But she's not necessarily okay with it she's just being cool and that's why he should dump her instead of dump on her i'm clapping for the pun i do think that's bad advice

this girl has maybe the worst secret about you that there is. If you are single, then you... Maybe she'll just tell somebody, like, oh yeah, I know that guy. He's shit on me. You have to lock this up right now. You pooped on someone and she's cool with you, so

marry her. This is her wedding vow. I pooped on you and you were cool with it vow I pooped on you and you were cool with it I pooped on thee so marry you I am he's Yoda

if anything our advice is for the girl which is to get rid of this guy who's sort of looking down on you for being okay in between his legs with three eyes one of them being the one that sprayed the fecal matter. The greasy brown one. Yeah. He didn't have to call it greasy.

We all assumed. He is a good writer, though. I dug the prose, for real. So, should I be worried? Yes, but not for the reasons that you think you should be worried. Should I dump this scat dominatrix dame? She's not a scat dominatrix.

You shouldn't dump her. Yeah, just because I shit on someone doesn't make them a scat dame. If anything, you are the scat dame. Yeah. Don't put that. You're projecting. Literally. Poo-poo.

Or maintain this relationship. I would say maintain it if she'll take you at this point If you shat and ran And she's willing to be with you still She called you back Amazing Actually He should break up with her

Because I want to know who this woman is This wonder woman This hero She still hasn't washed her face Hey man This brown knight This Wonder Woman, this hero. She still hasn't washed her face. Hey, man. This brown knight. Duh.

When I was laying on the floor imagining you dip pumping me, Yeah? that was my everything. Part of the reason I didn't really feel like doing it And to do it in front of all my family And new friends Because I don't have old friends It meant everything

No old friends Nobody over the age of 49 at the very least That way I won't get bullied Let's do another one Before the break What do you want to do? At the very least. Fair. That way I won't get bullied. Let's do another one before the break. What do you want to do? Or should we take the break now? It has been half an hour.

So break. Yeah, why don't we take a little bit of a break? We'll do a break. Yeah. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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We need another guy's name. Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf, right. There's this guy at my college that I've been hooking up with for about a year. He's also one of my best friends on campus. I feel like I do a lot for him. For example, I buy him food frequently. When he got kicked out of our dorm building last year, I let him stay do a lot for him. For example, I buy him food frequently. When he got kicked out of our dorm building last year,

I let him stay in my room for an entire semester. He celebrated my last Thanksgiving with my family, and if he's going to the supermarket or something, I always ask him if he needs me to pick up anything for him. One day, I was going to Target, and he asked me to buy him a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. At the store, I tried to call him and ask him what kind to get, but the service was poor and it was very crowded and loud. So I grabbed a pack and that looked the prettiest to me and I threw it in my cart. I gave him the cards. When he

reimbursed me for the $4, I paid for them. When he opened the pack, he found a card inside that was worth $60. I was excited about it with him because $60 is a lot of money to a broke college student. I assumed we would share the winnings, but he said he was going to keep it 100%. All the $60 for him. It's been a few weeks and the worth of the card has gone up to $90. What a volatile stock exchange this is. It's like Bitcoin. No, more volatile. This coward is still adamant that I don't deserve a penny for the money that he gets

once he sells the card, but I think I at least deserve some of it. After all, I was the one who picked out the pack to buy. He and I are going to your Brooklyn show this week. He doesn't know I'm writing into you. Maybe you guys could give us your two cents. What are your opinions?

Is he entitled to all $90? Or do I deserve a small cut of that sweet, sweet cash? Love, Shia LaBeouf. Shia! First question, is the Yu-Gi-Oh! couple actually here? Holy shit, they're here. Is that you?

Yu-Gi-Oh! Yu-Gi-Oh! Yu-Gi-Oh! Still drinking. Do you want to bring her up on stage? Should we bring her? Or both? Do you want to bring her up on stage? Should we bring her? Or both? Do you want to bring them both or do you want to just bring her? That's a good question. Who do we bring up? I think...

Let's bring them both. Bring them both up. Let's pick a position. Dip pump. Who gets who? Jesus Christ. I get you again. Where did they go?

They're already hopping on the L. That guy's stealing money out of her purse. Let's give it up for these fine folks. All right. I'm going to take team this guy. Okay, I'm going to yell, and I'll be the morally correct side. Sir, what is your name? Juan.

Juan. Jake, what is your name? I'm Yaakov. Son of God. What's your name? I'm Yaakov. Son of God. What's your name? I'm Olivia. Olivia versus Juan. Okay, so let's debate.

Yeah, he paid for the cards. I did. You little piece of shit. I don't even need to say anything. Amir is clearly right here. I guess, I feel like they have there's a I don't know if we have a real case

but let me tell you what, there's a difference between doing the legal thing and there's a difference between doing the right thing. No there's not. Yes there is. It's just the law. We live by a code. You're splitting the profit. Dude, give me 40 of the bucks bucks it's $100 now it's

$100 holy shit the car dollars when it went up man wait what are you I could give you 50 I could give you 50 well why are you gonna give a mere 50 what I brought him on stage how do you feel about me what a mirror a mirror is No. What? Amir is clearly superior. Really? What did he say? Amir is clearly superior. Which I agree with. But for some reason, I feel like you guys are lumping me in morally with Juan.

Just take what he says at face value. All right, well, let's just do like an applause-o-meter. Who here thinks Olivia deserves a little bit of cash? I mean, my God It's overwhelming It's overwhelming In a jury selection, I would ask everybody now to leave Everybody that applauded gets to go Who thinks Juan, who paid for the cards that he got

Owned the cards himself Deserves to do, who paid for the cards that he got, owned the cards himself, deserves to do what he wants with the cards that he paid for? This is America, after all. Let's get it for Juan. Wow, that is a record low number of people cheering for America. Let me tell you guys a little something. I did some research on this question. I emailed a lawyer that I know.

So I do have a, uh, a legal opinion here. Would you like to hear it? I would like to hear it. Would you like to hear it? We're going to judge Judy this right now. First of all, what does this Yu-Gi-Oh card do that it's worth $100? I couldn't tell you, man. What's the name?

You don't even give up? Why did you ask her to get the cards? It's called Archfiend Eccentric. So you did know the entire time. Like, I don't know, man. What do they have? Archfiend Eccentric's the best one. It's worth 12 Yu-Gi-Oh! points.

Exactly. About 12, man. I mean, yeah, like, he definitely lost the battle because he does play with the Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Okay, here we go. This is from a real-life lawyer. My dad's

a tax... He's a fucking accountant. He's a glorified pencil pusher. Don't let my father in with this. This guy's a... This is a lawyer who deserves my mother. I'm sorry. My dad is an ice cube. Like, I don't...

He's a blowfish. And I am Hootie. My mother is a queen. My dad is an Ottoman. This comes from a lawyer. Here we go. He is 100% entitled to keep all the proceeds once he buys the cards. Thank you. End of story. Stop reading me. I can keep on going. In essence, she rendered a service

for him on a no fee as a personal courtesy, and he repaid the full value of her cost. She paid $4 for the cards. She received $4 from him, and he keeps the cards. Those cards became the property of the recipient once he paid for them. Okay, there's more. Looked at another way. She simply sold him her cards for $4. Once you sell something, you irrevocably transfer title to the buyer.

What the buyer does with this asset is the buyer's choice and is solely for the buyer's benefit. On a legal basis, she doesn't deserve, nor is she entitled to anything. Yes, dude. What his moral or personal obligations to her as a friend and as someone who has benefited from her generosity in the past

are something else entirely. That is my professional opinion, though personally, I think this guy is an asshole. Save me Hey, hey, hey We're not debating on whether or not Juan is an ass We all dislike Juan We all like Juan

And I'll tell you what I'm going to do right now As a personal courtesy I do believe I have $60 in my wallet You give it to Juan? I will pay top dollar for this Yu-Gi-Oh card. It's an accessorized Shatatandra, you said? It is exactly $60. It's $100.

This is my father's money. This is for you. You take it. You get out of here. You go buy us a whiskey. We'll have it after the show. Give her a whiskey. Let's give it up for both of these people. They're nice guys.

No, no. Come on. No, why? Third time. For real, for real. We did it. One more time for Juan. What's your name? Olivia. Juan and Olivia, everybody and what's your name? What's your name? Olivia.

Juan and Olivia, everybody. Let's give it up. Thank you. I think we're final here at our final question. Unless somebody has $60 for Jake. Come on. I shelled that shit out. That was really cool of you, man. Dude, you think I give a fuck?

Me undies making me bank. You know what I'm saying? You get paid for those ads? What's that, bud? No, no, no. I just love soft underwear. Nature box. Nature box.

That's what's up. We do have one last question. It's just shouting out advertisers. This is like Blue Apron's wet dream. Purple potatoes jerking off to this idea. This is a question about masturbation. You know what I was thinking? Tell me.

It could be fun. We do another position? It could be fun to bring out a friend of ours. Yeah. Someone who I can only assume is a masturbation expert. I don't know. You know him more than I do. What do you think about this guy?

This guy's so good at masturbating, he once came just when he was lifting weights. You know him from our podcast and from the Twinnovation podcast. Put your hands together for Dave Rosenberg! He's 100% not coming up. No, yeah, he's not here. No, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming. Come on!

Let's do this. Tess, Tess, this is Dave Rosenberg's mic, but not Dave Rosenberg's voice. Still me, everybody. There he is. Dave Rosenberg. Got the right swing. Oh. Hey. Oh. Hey. Oh.

Oh, Stoke. Oh. What a perfect way for Dave to come on stage, spill all over himself. Howdy. Yeah, he said it. Where'd you get that shirt? The shirt that says howdy,

but it looks like it says hottie. I made it. Do you regret spilling all over yourself a little bit? I didn't spill. All right, fair enough. I've never spilled. So bright. Hat off?

Let's see the flow, dawg. Come on, Davey. Yes, dude. Thank you for showering three days ago. You don't have eyebrows? You can't see anyone out here. That's the joy.

My babe, Anna, I love you. She is the light. All right. Dave, was know, I love you. She is the light. All right. Dave, was I correct in assuming you're a masturbation expert? I know, I love you. Dave, do you have a fake... Nice cross, dude. Like that a lot.

Very natural. One of those boots is eight feet longer than the other. It's so interesting. Do you have a fake name for us? It's a guy's name. David. Very great imagination. I'll make this short and not so sweet.

Whilst masturbating, I tore what can only be called a gash through the middle of my bell end with my thumbnail. Purely due to the vigorous action of beating my meat. Now I'm left with a peen, which is sliced and or diced. I don't know who to ask for help as I'm too embarrassed to go to my parents, friends, or doctor.

What would you do if you were me? Please help. I am in pain. Love, David. Alright. Give it up for David. Who is played like a snake's tongue. Just forked. A hot dog on a grill for too long. Yeah.

Split in half. Yeah. Ever hurt yourself J-A-N-G-O? Never. Just a thousand memories flashing before your eyes before you answer that. No. Not physically. His dick is somewhere in a jar having to be removed.

I love the idea of being too embarrassed to go to a doctor. Just bleeding out. I'd rather die than fucking admit to this quack whose job it is to look at dicks that I'm too embarrassed to admit that I've jaded out to a... What seems to be the problem? Nothing! You're just going to make fun of me, man. Your dick's injured!

He's a doctor. He legally can't tell anybody. If you're worried, just think about the eulogy. It will be so much more embarrassing. What would you do if you injured your dick, David? You take a bath with salt water. How do you know that? How did you know that so quickly, David? He wrote the email.

Yahoo answers. So you... Oh, you take a And the salt water Disinfects your cut Throw a little clam dip in there That's your solution For everything

And it works Have you ever had Any masturbation injuries Chafing or You know Anything of that nature Sure a little bit of chafing Here and there

And then You go to the internet You go to a doctor You go to a loved one A friend Honestly you just Masturbate with a little bit of chafing here and there. And then you go to the internet, you go to a doctor, you go to a loved one, a friend. Honestly, you just masturbate with a little bit more Vaseline than usual and all is going to be fine. That's all it is. Yeah, well, I've never been gushing blood

and my reaction is to write to a podcast. Isn't that more embarrassing than seeing a doctor? Yeah, I mean, David should know we don't check our email that often. If you're not gushing blood, you're not doing it right. That's not what masturbation is. Words to die by. If you're not gushing blood, you're not doing it right.

Where's my twin-ivationation? This is fun. You guys get paid for this shit? Should we answer one more question? One final question to rule them all sure i mean we only have dave here for so long i feel like it's oh are you oh use our towel the whiskey yeah i know that was a lot of dave lip on my um all right let's get one last male's name Earl Boykins, I heard Earl Boykins 5 foot 6 inch

Boykin Hey, J&M An 18 year old from faggy old England His words, not mine Would never use that This is entirely whiskey Thank God you didn't chug it I recently broke up with my long time girlfriend

Of two years Because she was constantly saying I didn't do it. I recently broke up with my longtime girlfriend of two years because she was constantly saying I didn't do enough for her, random gifts, et cetera. And that was really getting me down. So I cut it off. She recently went missing for a night, and I was questioned by the police. Fuck all you guys who laughed at it.

I did too, though. She recently went missing for a night, and I was questioned by the police for her kidnapping Turns out she slept around with some random guys And did not tell her flatmates So after all this I decided to check on her She said it was a mistake And wanted to get back together with me

If I changed I said no Then I blocked her But here's the problem now I feel alone so my question is is it worth getting back with my ex that made me so unhappy

just to have some company who the fuck said yes or should I just keep my chin up you are the ex then or should I just keep my chin up You are the ex then Or should I just keep my chin up And keep looking to endure Hopefully temporary isolation Many thanks, love, Earl Boykins

The question is He feels lonely after breaking up With his girlfriend He wants to get back together Masturbation's a little dangerous As we all know at this point You don't want to hurt yourself. He's so self-aware of this question.

You do want to hurt yourself. What? You're not bleeding, you're not doing it right. You already said that. That's the back of this howdy shirt. So nice I'll say it twice. It is easy to get back together with your loved one.

That's why so many people do it. Breaking up is hard and staying together is easy. He's like Lex Luthor. He just laid out his evil master plan. He's like, is that good? Of course not. It's an evil plan. His plan was to get back together until he found someone better. Yeah.

That's ultimate. Never get back together with someone that dumped you or that you broke up with. Never ever? I think that's good advice, but you did also tell people to bleed while they masturbate. get back together with someone that dumped you or that you broke up with? Never ever? Never. Is anyone in a relationship... I think that's good advice, but you did also tell people to bleed while they masturbate.

Howdy. Is anyone in a relationship right now that they had broken up and got back together? Some people. Not gonna last. Woo was so unenthusiastic for a reason because you're still sort of second guessing it. Did you say yeah and your girlfriend's here?

I hope so. It's like playing a video game and forgetting to save and having to play the same level over again. You're like, I'm annoyed I have to do it, but I'm still going to do it. It's never going to work out. Who am I looking at? You think if you get back together with someone,

you have to go on a first date again? How many people have gotten divorced and gotten back together? 90. We'll take it to the extreme. I don't know. You know off the top of your head. 910,000.

I come from a broken family. I love you, mom and dad. I know you're out there, but it's not going to work. I guess the ultimate suggestion is that there's a reason you broke up. Perhaps what you're looking for doesn't exist. You're looking for

a companion that you already had, and you already decided that it was too hard to stay together. So why get back together into this relationship that you already know is dysfunctional? Who here is single? And who here likes to fuck?

So why on earth would you not be single and fuck? Fuck having a boyfriend. Fuck having a girlfriend. If you came with a significant other, break the fuck up tonight. Dave, what's up? I love you, Anna. I love you, Anna. I knew it.

Guys, I think that's our time, but thank you so much for coming. Did you guys have fun? If you need us, we'll be around after the show, hanging out, having fun, drinking a little bit. Thank you so much. You've been an amazing crowd. Let's give it up one more time for Dave. One more time for Jake. Thank you.

One more time for Amir. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Good night, everybody. Thank you. One more time for Amir. You were waiting for him. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.