Segments - 19: Improv (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

In this episode Geoffrey joins us to sing songs, play improv games, and move to Russia for some reason.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

No. No. No. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second.

It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. First ever guest. Not true. Jeffrey James. I'm honored. I mean, it's virginal.

What can I say? We've had your parents on. It's sort of a debut. You are popular hymen today, sir. Yes! Treat me gently. No, but Ben was. Oh, yeah.

I have a fissure. Yeah. Anal, specifically. And otherwise. I have a penile fissure. I have a fissure. Yeah. Anal, specifically. And otherwise. I have a penile fissure. I've never heard of that. Ben was on the show, too. We recorded together over Zoom.

Okay. This is our first maybe in-studio guest. Because your parents also did it. Oh, yeah. They were in the other room. This is your first not-huge-get guest. Exactly. You have the Hurwitz parents.

Right. You have an A-list. Yeah, exactly. We didn't huge get guest. Exactly. You have the Hurwitz parents. Right. You have an A-list. Yeah, exactly. We didn't plan on much. Yeah. We didn't plan on much. Head gum podcast style. Yeah, you kind of, it's taste of my own medicine.

Yeah, waxing. I figured this would be a wax set. Even Casey had like a little blip setting up. And I was like, this is what it feels like. We started late. It feels right. It feels nice when other people are sort of in charge, right? Yeah.

Well, this is Segments, our new podcast. We're trying to come up with so many segment ideas to go through all of them. But we literally yesterday ran out. We had a laundry list. We did them all. And now today. Well, it's because you're banking us. Well, this is the fourth episode we've recorded in three days, right?

That's a lot. That's too much. I'm brain dead. Exactly. I have Zoom fatigue because you're banking out. This is the fourth episode we've recorded in three days, right? That's a lot. That's too much. I'm brain dead. Exactly. I have Zoom fatigue. And that was before. That was way before we did this. So I thought today's episode could be nice try. Did we catch that on camera? That was insane.

For some reason, that we didn't. Really? Yeah. The cameras were not working in that moment. Unbelievable. If you guys are watching on YouTube, we appreciate it. Namaste in 4K. Yeah. I literally caught a pillow left-handed blindly. It's fine.

I lifted it up pretty high. I think I gave a lot of warning that I was going to toss it. You don't have segments. So you're dragging out the wax portion. You're dragging out the intro. I know how this works when you don't prepare it was a really funny moment in the head gum podcast that made me laugh so much you guys can see it was it was do you know what i was gonna say no like a bunch of people were talking and then i was

trying to interject and nobody was listening to me and then you were just staring and you said okay so the reason nobody's paying attention to you right now is that there's a generation gap you're and that will only get worse as you age nobody respects your opinion because you're older than like everyone is having a fun conversation you're staring at me, yelling my worst fear into my headset. It's like you're a devil on my shoulder or something. Do you remember? See if you can find it. I think recording and listening to the show is never as funny as someone saying what happened on the show.

Because it sounds like the worst thing in the world. Yeah, it was hard to hear because it was literally there were two other conversations happening, but you were like yelling at me. Nobody listens to you because you're the oldest person in here in that whole game. I do really enjoy the HeadGum Podcast, especially when Jeff is mean to you. That's every

episode. Yeah, it's great stuff. It's great fodder. That's so rude. Anyway, this episode, this is what I thought of. Yeah. Segment one. Let's brainstorm segments that we can use. Segment two.

I was going to bring one in, but I was like, no, they probably have like an hour of segments. No, of course not. And also, you know, I was at a caviar restaurant. You were at a caviar restaurant? I was at a caviar restaurant. Meaning they only have caviar? I spent beyond my means to sort of impress a dame. That was a Valentine's Day thing?

That was a, yeah. Price fix. And that was like, does she like caviar? She loves roe. She loves sardines. Okay. She loves tinned anything. She's big into fish.

Yes. So your girl is a fish girl. She's a fish wife. Oh my god! She's a fish girl and she's gone too low. But she doesn't know trout to have. You can eat eggs on your poor man's

money. You can have caviar on your bones. They had bone spoons. I see. Human bone. So if you can be an organ donor you can be a bone donor a boner donor

a boner donor did you just make that up that was so fast a boner donor yeah yeah so let's see the way my mind works

with the boner donor we don't have to get into it okay yeah so segment ideas I mean we can always go to the well. What if we planned the worst possible

vacation that you could go on now when you have a one-year-old daughter? Oh, interesting. That's nice. And then he has to do it. But it has to be like a three-day itinerary, and it has to actually be things that would be terrible to do. This kind of reminds me of a little thing I would play sometimes

on dinner dates with other friends. I would ask the question, what's one place you want to go, one place that you want to go back to, and one place that you'll never want to go again? So it's kind of travel-based. And this is as they're urging you out of a restaurant. Yeah, this is me drunk on caviar. I'll never go here again, for example. I have a good one for a place that you wouldn't want to go. Wouldn't want to go?

Yeah, with a one-year-old. Oh, yeah. When I'm thinking about exotic places to travel, I remember two trips that my friends took that scared me from ever going to these countries again. And they're usually like third world adjacent countries without running water, without like, you can't drink the water. You'll get like food poisoning and there's not a lot of electricity. Like I had a friend who once got food poisoning at the Sahara desert. So he was

just sort of like traveling the Sahara, no bathroom, food poisoning, wiping his ass with sand. So bad. Yeah. You wouldn't want to have that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But I mean, that one's like not even, that one's like not even remotely on the table. You wouldn't go to the Sahara.

You wouldn't do like a safari style desert trip. I feel like that could be good though because when I was young, my parents took me on like immunity trips. Immunity trips. Right, where they were just

kind of like drop me off on their way to Europe. Yeah. And then, you know, I would be in like, you know, Casablanca. I would be like, you know, traveling down

towards the sub-Saharan. That would give you the measles, the mumps. They would hire locals to bottle feed me river water. So it would be Giardia this. It would be, you know, I had skin lesions from shingles. For the better part of it. You lived in a leper

colony, didn't you? Well, I was gifted. Yeah, you had turkey pox. Which is like chicken pox, but almost game year. Exactly right. Yeah. I had a Peking duck pox. My skin looked like what you would get.

Sort of like a rubbery chicken. But I slept in a bow for like a year. Of a ship? A bun. Yeah. The white bread, the soft bread. Yeah, yeah. I was like hoisin.

I would shower in hoisin. I would shower in hoisin. I would get in a bell. I was poisoned with hoisin. How so? I had food hoistening. You had soizening, soy poisoning from hoisin. Anyway, so that's one example of a segment we could do. Wait, can I tell the story that we actually bailed on a vacation that I realized was going to be bad for the baby?

Is this the Costa Rica? Oh, we already talked about this, didn't we? You were planning things and it got spiraled out of control. You eventually said no. Exactly. Is that something you planned for everyone else and then bailed? Yeah. So I sent Jill and the baby to the Dominican Republic.

Wait, really? No. But we also, I was looking at the Azores. Have you ever looked into the Azores? No. The Ozarks? That's right. That's what I meant. looking at the Azores. Have you ever looked into the Azores? No. The Ozarks? That's right. That's what I meant.

What's the Azores? The Azores, they're part of Portugal. They're like an island like way out in like the middle of the Atlantic. And I think it's like kind of cheap to fly to. And it's like not that far away because it's so far out in the Atlantic that it's actually like a shorter flight. It might even be like the equivalent to like flying to Iceland. And it's this up and coming tourist destination. It's gorgeous.

And then as I was kind of planning that, I just like was looking up all the stuff to do there and it was all hiking. Yeah. And I was like, well, yeah, I can't. That sounds really awesome, but I can't do that with a stroller. Yeah. Baby Bjorn. Yeah. And I was like, well, outdoor activity. I can't, that sounds really awesome, but I can't do that with a stroller. Baby Bjorn. Yeah. And it's just like weighted.

The baby Bjorn, they're fun for a little bit, but that's not an all day thing. Yeah. Does it hurt your back? It hurts, it, I mean,

it hurts your shoulders. Eventually the baby wants out. That's not like, it's not comfortable for baby to be in the Bjorn. Yeah. Nobody puts baby in a Bjorn. comfortable for baby to be in the Bjorn. Yeah. Nobody puts baby in a Bjorn. Nobody puts baby Bjorn in a Bjorn.

So, yeah, they're good for a little bit. But, like, going on, like, a three-hour hike in the Azores, that wouldn't fly. That wouldn't be good for Opa. No. No, no, no, no. Okay. So that's one example of a segment. All right.

We talk about bad vacations. Destination. Destination. The other day I thought of vertal, which is sort of a fertile verbal wordle, if that makes sense. Sorry? Yeah, it's like playing wordle but all in your mind's eye. So you're not actually writing things down. You're just playing, saying, and automobiles. That was an example of a pretty good seg.

Oh, how about I say something like an event and then you have to say the year that it happened. For instance, Carmageddon. Do you remember Carmageddon? Yeah, they were working on the 405. They shut it down. They told everyone to leave the city. When was that? Well, this is the fucking game, right?

There's always a funny name for it. Yeah, wasn't it 405? It wasn't the 10? They shut down. Yeah, it was the 405. It was the 405. And they're like, everybody better leave town because it's going to fucking back everything up for miles and nobody will be able to get anywhere. This is going to be Carmageddon. Yeah.

And then it happened like over a weekend and they finished it in 24 hours. Everybody left and like every freeway was completely like perfect and nice and it wasn't that big of a deal. That kind of happened with the 10 in like December. Yeah, the fire. Yeah, the warehouse fire. Right. I would say Carmageddon was 2015. 2015. You think

we were here? I think so. Interesting. I don't think it was 2015 because I feel like I would have heard of that. But when did you go to USC? 2015. But fall. 2014. 2014 feels right. Casey, can we look it up? Carmageddon 405. Go to your homepage. It's your lock screen.

The news article from that day, I remember. Great name. And I think the name scared people into actually not having. Yeah. That name really stuck. Yeah. That was actually next to my high school. They were like fixing a bridge over the 405.

So they had to shut down the 405. 2011. 2011. Wow. I fucking knew it. I should have gone with my gut. What does it matter? It was when I was living in LA the first time without you.

It's got to be that he's sleep deprived from parenting, right? It's like you're sleep deprived. I slept 12 hours last night. So I tried to help him out. Jill and the kid aren't even living with me right now. So it's probably that. It's fine. It's not sleep.

That's not the issue. So it's probably that. No, I'm happy about it sleep. That's not the issue. So it's probably that. No, I'm happy about it. So you're just sweet. What the fuck are you crying about? The Carmageddon! It can't be that. You also didn't guess.

I did. Only I guessed. I said 2014 or 15. It's too late for me to say 20. What was it? 11. You don't even remember? What if you say first and last name of like, you know, a past lover?

Yeah. I was going to say I could try to guess all of – I could try to guess the number of people that you slept with based on how many of them I can remember because I feel like we talked about it a lot. And then we'll put the list on the board. Yeah. So I'll come up with all the names.

And we'll sort of go one by one. Yeah. And then you'll tweet it and you'll see if it gets 100. Or match the name to the face of everyone Amir's ever had. Or held. Fibulately. Had. I've only been with one lover, actually.

That's only because you've only loved one of the people you've slept with. Dink. Wayne Gretzky Jr. That's actually good. It's coming up with names of celebrity junior. And we have to guess whether that's actually true or false. Yeah, true. For example.

We can call it junior. Junior or false-nier. These are hard actually now that I'm thinking about them in real time. A lot of the times you come up with the, the head gun podcast. It seems like in the room slash on the day you have like, we stumble into stuff, but it's more organic than us all brainstorming segments.

I feel like that same, that's the game across so much ruder than I have to do. This is bad. What I do is bad. This isn't podcasting right now. What I do is great. Because you brainstorm solo before the show starts. I think it's just I have outlines, and it seems like I don't. You're right.

Which is worse. I want to show people how the sausage gets played. Played, yeah. How did the sausage get played? Oh, we could write a country song. What's that? We could write a country song together. Beyonce's coming out with a country album.

So we thought that we would come up with our own country album. There you go. So yeah, he rips from the headlines. So I think that's actually something that we could learn from. Like he takes current, excuse me. He takes current events and he kind of brings it. Sorry, he was, yeah. Continue.

Yeah, I feel like this happens a lot on the HeadGap podcast too. I'm just agreeing. Yeah, but like you're active listening, but it's actually more actively interrupting because it's like, now I'm – I feel like it would be weird if I didn't say anything. What's weird is that you wait – That's a conversation. Because you wait for your turn to talk. Yeah.

You can see it in your eye. Isn't that good to wait for your turn to talk? No. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to listen, to hear, to digest. Yeah, and then when it's your turn to talk, you're talking over me right now not really I'm waiting for you to finish your sentences

and then I interject you're not thinking about what Jake's saying you're thinking about what you're going to say what was I just talking about you were talking about ripping from the headlines no because it took you it wasn't that it was that but it was in context with how you don't do that.

And the way you don't respond is incongruent with what he says. Yeah. And it's incongruous. I don't, yeah, I'm trying to understand and become a better co-host and friend to you guys. Finally. But I don't understand what you're trying to say. Finally. You're saying.

Okay. Okay. Finally. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome.

But don't leave it at that because you want to placate him. Yeah. Leave it at that because you agree that this is bad. I don't want this to be a Pyrrhic victory is what I don't want. Nor a Faustian bargain. It can't be Pyrrhic or Faustian at the end of the day. Okay. Let's take a break.

We'll come back and we'll write a country song. How hard can it be? Whoa. We're really going to do that one? Let's do that one. All right. we're back um i don't know is country music still just about like fucking pickup trucks in the country or like is there a new sort of slant that beyonce is taking you know music what if we get casey to play a royalty-free country music backing track okay we sing on top of it nice and and it has to be royalty-free country music backing track, and then we sing on top of it.

And it has to be royalty-free. Well, you know, because otherwise you're going to have to scrub the back catalog. Maybe Casey could lob up a word, and then you sing a song about that. Or a musical improv. Yeah, in a way. Which I could probably figure out on the day. I'm not really musical or improv-y, but

I feel like when you put those two together... I love this show, but I thought you guys were going to write a Broadway musical. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's true. I actually have it on my to-do list. I wrote the opening number of a pop punk musical. Really?

Yeah, I did. I feel like Jake's trying to push it over the finish line, and you're kind of like dead weight. No, not the finish line. That's the beginning line. You are kind of like – what is it? Like an anchor? You're something that drags me down. No, because anchor is like,

oh, that's a grounding force that keeps us, you know, from the clouds. Yeah, right. Yeah. I guess he's a hole in the ship. You're sand in my pockets weighing me down

and drowning me at the beach. Wait, that's perfect. You're sand in my pockets weighing me down. Really old country. Drowning me on the beach. You're like a corncob bike. What do you know about this Beyonce album?

Is it actually going to be country or is that what people are assuming? Is it actually out yet? I saw she was scantily clad and I didn't know it was an album announcement. I was like, oh, Beyonce looks great. Yeah. And then people are like, that's a country album. I know it. Somebody was like, oh, she looks great. Yeah. And then people are like, that's a country album. I know it. Somebody was like, oh, she's releasing a country album.

And I was like, that's funny. And they were like, no, she is. And I was like, oh, when did she announce that? And then they showed me the photo of her, scantily glad. And I was like, oh, that was an album announcement. And specifically country? Yep. Or is it going to be like country with a Beyonce twist?

Probably that. Yeah. But it's her version of country. Because she's from Texas, right? I feel like there's plenty of Beyonce songs that have a little bit of a twang to it. Tracy Chapman won a CMA. Beyonce said, I want that. And so she released an album.

When did Tracy Chapman get the CMA? She won because of Country Star covered Fast Car. Oh, I see. And that's why they performed together at the Grammys. Yes. I see. And that's why they performed together at the Grammys. Yes. I see. And now Beyonce's like, okay, why don't you fucking turn single ladies into a southern album? Yeah. Beyonce is

coming for Tracy Chapman. She's pitting herself against Tracy? That's crazy. Chapman. She's crazy Chapman. That's crazy, man. Did you guys ever play Crazy Taxi? Oh, yeah.

I feel like Tracy Chapman should release a Crazy Taxi style follow up to Fast Car. Oh, Tracy Taxi. Tracy Taxi. Tracy Taxi. By Fast Chapman. And it's a game starring Tracy Chapman. It's a game with an original song. You got a fast car?

Oh my God, that was awesome. Right? I think I could sing in a punk band. I don't think so. Really? You could really talk in a punk band. Are you releasing another, what's the name of your band? Oh yeah.

Fade on Shuffle. Fade on Shuffle. Any new Fade on Shuffle music in the pipeline? I don't know that there's any in the pipeline. We do have a four. You're falling out with the guy. What's his name? Gareth.

No, we're tight. We're tight. We're tight. We have a four. We have four songs on this album, actually. Didn't I write one of them? Yeah. Is that true?

Yeah. Yeah. Purple Vest. What is it? Or yours is just called Vest. Yeah. Yeah. It was about a guy wearing a purple vest to prom. Yeah. Oh Vest. What is it? Or yours is just called Vest. Yeah, yeah. It was about a guy wearing a purple vest to prom.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like about a class clown. Right. Yeah. And then there's my debut song. Then there's another one. And then he covered I Can Go the Distance, the Hercules.

So that one is sort of unrelated. Well, yeah. That one is just kind of rounds out the album with like a good song. Well, speaking of rounding out an album with good songs, how are we on the royalty free country music track? I think I got a couple options. Wow. Okay. Okay, this is cool.

Do you want to hear modern country? I don't know. Jeff, do you listen to country music? Is it having a moment or is it like am I? I think it's having a moment, but I don't really listen to it. Interesting. Oh is it having a moment or is it like am I I think it's having a moment but I don't really listen to it interesting

oh yeah I gotta put on our headphones or will it play over the speaker I can play it over the speaker okay speaker it you look like an idiot

then cause you just put on headphones for no reason this sucks oh sounds like a Toyota commercial what do you wanna hear

a country song about pick up drugs and blue jeans Oh. Sounds like a Toyota commercial. What do you want to hear a country song about? Pick up trucks and blue jeans. I got boots and keys. You have boots and keys. So it's just kind of about everything that he's gathering for his day. Where's my freaking hat now? I swear I left it over there.

He's 91 years old. I think I lost my hat, but here's my belt buckle. Got it. So this is incredibly... So it's like phone keys wallet, but what is this person's version of phone keys wallet? It's teeth are missing, probably. There's my other sock pin. Put it on and my boot goes there.

Where's my damn spur, woman? Where's my fucking hat now? I swear I had my keys. A? I swear I had my keys. A second ago, I had my keys. This guy has dementia. This is not a fucking song. He's alone in a room. Oh, there's my hat.

It's over there. Putting a carrot on his head. Where's my damn salad? His wife. You were eating a salad out of chicken Caesar wrap an hour ago. Honey, did you see my phone charger? A skeleton on a rocker. A rotting wife.

Let's get a new song and a new set of music. Where's my damn spurs, woman? You have keys to your car, but you also wear spurs? Yes. Spurs are for a horse. I have a boot. You have keys to your car, but you also wear Spurs? Yes. Spurs are for a horse. I have a boot. You have one boot? I have a boot and a key, and they're both missing.

I've got another. That was the worst song I've ever heard. That was awful. So it's a competition. My song, Where's My Damn Hat Now. Which is just a guy who can't find shit. So let's give Amir

a country song. Yeah, this one's called Western Country Rock. Cool. Okay. Where's my damn poster? Oh my god. Oh god. He fucking puked. He's puking!

Alright. That's the worst one that could have been picked for a beer. It all sounds like a Ford commercial. It's absolutely sick. The new F-150. I seen cars bigger than that in my garage. This isn't a song yet. This is the lead in. Yeah, this is the lead in.

Okay. Big house. Big house. Big keys. Oh, shit. I'm one foot three. Everything's big to me. I'm a little man. Hanging out with tall folks.

Makes me say small jokes. Oh, yeah. I'm 15 inches high. I'm a little guy with a big dream. And that dream is to be two foot nine. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. All right. So that one was about a really short cowboy.

Is it a big house or it's like a normal house? I think it's a normal house, but to him, everything is big. The keys are huge. Even the keys are so big because it's that small. Okay. Yeah. I don't know what mine's going to be about. I have to hear the beat.

Exactly, and then it just sort of comes to you. All right, I got two options for you, Jeff. We've got banjo country music, and we have upbeat acoustic country. Let's do banjo country. And then, of course, during the music, somebody goes, this is royalty free, right? Yeah. So that nobody's going to see.

Audio Jungle Originals. Right? Audio Jungle. See? It's the name of our band. on into my own bedroom saw my wife having sex with farley and he's the town harlot man and my wife did me wrong that's yeah. My wife did me so damn wrong. She didn't just cheat on me. She also drained my bank account. I had a

Vanguard and she sold that stock that I had to pay taxes on the stock. Took my keys, melted them down to sterling silver and a block and shoes. She showed it to me and laughed

With joy she said you're never Getting back inside the house With this She did me so wrong in other ways She sold my hat Collection that I loved Took the cash Melted it down to a sphere

Showed me the sphere said this is Your hat Jesus melted it down to a sphere showed me the sphere said this is your hat Jesus Seems like a lot of it was destroying things and putting them into weird 3D shapes Pyramids, spheres Prisms In country it's like

Daisy Mae did me wrong Yes, exactly So, I guess vote below. Which song do you want to hear in its entirety? We'll pay $50,000 to record it like they did back in the day. You'll see Dolly Parton. Oh, I gave all my money to this producer. They went to this small record place, which is now famous,

because fucking Dolly Parton was there in the 50s. And they laid down a full album. That's what I'm hoping for Studio H&G is like I want to be a part of what people will look back on as history

music history wow can you believe that studio look at all the comedy legends that came in there like when the Beatles get out musical exactly

or the documentary did you guys watch that we should be filming more docs while people are coming in like TikToks and that's what my initial, which is a tick tock. Even a tick mock might be nice.

I don't mind the tick mock. You meant a tick mock. Actually, I sent you, um, anyway, I should finish this out. It was a vote below.

Do you want to hear Jake's, um, fully produced? I can't find anything. Where's my damn hat now? Yeah. Where's my damn hat. Do you want to hear I'm a one foot three inch

cowboy? My wife did me so wrong. Yeah, my wife was melting various things. Let us know below and we'll see you on the other side of these messages for the last segment, which is going to be insane. Quick note to let y'all

know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance

to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z and not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league

in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players

and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for

problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6. dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings all right we're back yes idea i've seen online but we've never done before which is i feel it almost feels like an improv game where This almost feels like a podcast. It is. So, yeah, get it together.

I am trying to explain what it is. We're listening. Yeah, zip, zap, zoop, right? What is that one? Zip, zap. And then I have a to-go order from Zoop. This is so awful. How?

The game is we're alternating saying words and trying to create a story, a sentence. Yeah. That can potentially be a story. Okay. So we'll go in what order? We'll go like this. Me, Jeff, you. Okay.

Me, Jeff, you. See how they run. Eat lots of Zoop. Okay, this is a story about let's find out. Ready? You should have, sorry. You should have done a Fat Tuesday episode where you're cooking jambalaya. Interesting.

As it's happening, then there's a king's cake. What were you thinking? You're talking about for this show or for Jake and Amir? I'm talking about for this show. Right. Okay. Ready? Yeah.

This is how the story starts. My. Sand. Glass. That's already doesn't count. My sand glass. That's like doesn't count. My sand glass. That's like an hourglass. A sand glass?

He said sand. Yeah, but you didn't have to say glass. If you had said my, I wouldn't have said sand, by the way. If you had said the, I would not have said sand. Sure. I should have said box. The whole thing is. Like glass is what ruined it.

Glass, it's an hourglass. Sandglass? Just say a verb. Running. That doesn't make sense. My sandglass running. We could make it four words. I'd argue three before it not made sense. Let's start again. Okay. Sand.

What? What? Castle. Castle. Okay, this actually could be kind of a poem. Just the word? Yeah. What? Castle. Castle. Okay. This actually could be kind of a poem. Just the word. Yeah. Yeah.

Sand. Castle. It should be fast, right? There's not like an internal monologue. There's no like deliberation. Okay. Ready? No more mine.

No more sand. No more castle. This is like a real fucking good sentence. Or story. Yes. Ideally, it's a story. Wednesdays like a real fucking good sentence. Yeah. Or story. Yes. Ideally it's a story. Wednesdays are fine and they

often could be finer if sand boxes got wetter when they included pussy. Sorry. Cut sorry cut rap i'm sorry wednesdays are fine and they could be finer yeah if they got wetter

if they included pussy no i think there was a global entry interview right so i was just asking have you ever been to Canada? Really? Okay, let's try again. And I'm still trying to explain. I feel like we didn't end the sentence ever. The sentence has to stop and then a new sentence could begin. I thought it stopped at pussy.

I was like, yeah. Okay, ready? Yep. Talia Hall killed my niece. How could that happen? Well, Talia saw my niece fucking a sand castle by herself. Herself. And. She. Ended. Up. Feeling. Not.

Loving. Very. Much. The. Fucking. Ended. Up. Thinking.

It. Was. Maybe. Not. Ideal. So. Talia. apeshit and bought a sand. That one was really good, actually. It felt like we were sharing one brain.

Like, that's a story I could have easily told by myself. Of FedU in Chicago killing my niece for fucking a sand. It felt right, right? Yeah. Talia saw Jake's niece fucking a sandcastle, so she went and bought a sand.

Because it wasn't ideal. Yeah. This is less than ideal. I'm gonna lose my shit. Buy a sand. And then, we've never done improv like this. This is supposed to ideal. I'm going to lose my shit by a sand. And then we've never done improv like this. This is supposed to sort of get you loose and creatively aligned. Can I be on a Herald team? I don't care.

I want a mod. Team? Computers. What? Run. I want a mod, Apatow. Okay, one more. Ready?

Yeah. Vanilla. more. Ready? Yeah. Vanilla. Bean. Sand. Done. Cut. Print. That was awesome. The world's shortest sad story.

Edging out baby's shoes never worn for sale. Vanilla bean sand sounds like something that would be at, like, the French Laundry. Yeah. Yeah. Salt and straw. A plate with just loose sand on it this is actually vanilla bean sand uh it's 38 and you sort of chew on oh wait that's the salt hold on uh i went to a fancy sushi restaurant they had stuff like that name uchi where's that

west hollywood well it was it was like anHouston staple, and they just opened one in West Hollywood. Oh, yeah. We went to Uchi when we were in Austin that time. Very nice. But you were such a picky eater when you were young. I remember you yelling at the waitress asking for a teriyaki chicken bowl. Yeah. And you said they were like a sushi restaurant.

Right. And I said, you don't have chicken here then? Oh, that doesn't really sound right, does it? Because you said you're a restaurant. And I said, you don't have chicken here then? Oh, that doesn't really sound right, does it? Because you said you're a restaurant. So why don't you have chicken? We have grilled octopus. We have a summer squash salad.

So you have a grill. Because you were just saying that you didn't grill anything. So now I don't believe you about the chicken. So we got kicked out of that version and then I ended up going last night to the West Hollywood edition. Is my picture still on the wall? It's outside and it says, do not feed this man. It was very Instagram model chic.

Yeah. Have you been to these places before? The place I went last night was very Instagram model chic. It was a lot of like... Attractive people taking pictures of themselves and the food. With the food.

With the selfie. It was like selling sunset looking women. Where was it? It was on Melrose Place. The show? No wonder there was a thousand people there. It was popularized in the Fox fucking nighttime soap opera Melrose Place. A funny bet would be that you have to whatever, you have to go back to this place

and ask the server, do you guys have any like eating challenges or contests? Like how much fish would I have to eat this for it to be free? Can I eat a thousand dollars worth of salmon from New Zealand to where you guys would put my picture up?

If I have a hundred pieces of cut roll, do I get my picture on the wall? Yeah. Like, has anybody ever done that? And if so, would I get a free t-shirt? What's your version of the Vermonster? What's that? It's a Ben and Jerry's 40 scoop extravaganza where if you finish it, you get your photo on the

wall. Do you have that for raw fish and rice? Because they shouldn't have it for dairy. So I thought maybe you perfected the wall. Do you have that for raw fish and rice? Because they shouldn't have it for dairy. So I thought maybe you perfected the monster. Anyway, eating at this restaurant with Instagram models made me realize that's such an easy way of creating a restaurant. You incentivize really attractive people to want to eat there so that people bring them there. They spend, we spent, I think, $1,700 for the two of us for dinner. Yeah, yeah.

And then that was probably just profit close to $1,000. This is something I never understood about you growing up in L.A. and then choosing to come back and staying here. Your brother's had it right with going to the Bay Area. Don't know where my family lives. This place is for people who look like that. Yeah, me. Or it's like this place is for people who look like that. Yeah. Me or –

There aren't many spots for guys like you and Casey. What? Sorry. You're doing the sentence game again. I just – it's like – Where does he look like you should live? I'm trying to pinpoint it. Probably Silver Lake.

Probably San Gabriel. Where is that? It's by Sierra Madre, but you couldn't do Sierra Madre because that's kind of a cool place. Yeah. I feel like the San Gabriel Valley where the good Asian food is. No, because I don't want you walking distance to dim sum. I want you to be near a lake. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever been to Dirt Dog? No, I've never heard of that. Because that's what you are. Because you're a dirt dog. You're saying I can't even walk to get Asian food? I look like I belong in a place that's far away from a dim sum

restaurant where I'd have to take an Uber. I think you should live in a neighborhood or town where your idea of going out to a nice dinner is a hot dog restaurant. You don't have it. Some people have it and other people don't. You went to high school in Bel Air. You don't have it. Some people have it and other people don't.

You went to high school in Bel Air. I wasn't born with it, but I got it. Interesting. You weren't born with it and you can't attain it. He was born with it, still has it. Really? Casey's always had it. Jake could have his pick of the lot in terms of where he wants to live. Yeah.

Like, for example. He's a 10 in Austin. He's a 9 in LA. Thank you. He's a 9 and a half in New York. I could live in Bondi, mate. Meaning? I could move to Australia and probably learn to surf pretty fine.

Yeah. I could do that, too. Well, you could move to Australia for sure. Yeah. Maybe Perth. Yeah. That's fine. Maybe Perth.

Maybe Perth. It's not like a coastal city. Exactly. Well, you know. No, maybe Alice Springs. Yeah. What kind of interior Australia vibe. I wouldn't mind you in Glasgow.

Speaking of. So you can wear the shirt. That's why you're in Perth. My shirt says Australia. You don't think I could wear that shirt? I think you could wear the shirt, but it would have to be in Perth. He said no chance. What about Glasgow?

I don't want to live in Perth. He's Edinburgh. You're Glasgow. The weather's bad. I don't like being in Perth. How about Red Deer? I don't mind Red Deer for you. Yeah.

Where is that? Northern deer for you. Yeah. Where is that? Northern, northern Canada. Yeah, it's sort of like where the water runs very wet, but where the population runs thin. Where it only thaws in the July and August months. A river runs through it? Yeah. But you would divide the population thus

that you would end up being an island man. I prefer living in warm cities, giant metropolis where I can interact with people, see new things, sports, concerts, culture. You guys are urging me to move to a very remote. You like seeing culture? I'll take in a museum or a festival. Are you familiar with Pura Vida? Living life to its fullest? In Costa Rica.

Yes. People do that. Okay, then what do they do? I can do that. What is it? No, that's what I was going to say. Do you, and have you ever heard of La Dolce Vida? Yeah.

Like this, my sweet life. Being in Italy. Yeah. Yeah, my sweet life. Like you would never have that feeling. Why? Like you would be sad eating gelato even. No, I wouldn't.

I love ice cream. You don't like ice cream. I don't love it. I could see you converting to Belarusian. Yes. You can't convert your nationality. You'd find a way. You could be from Minsk.

What does that mean? You could wear a mink in Minsk. I'm not Russian. I'm saying I prefer to be in like a... You're not Russian. Belarusian. From Belarus. Is Minsk in Belarus?

I think Minsk is in Belarus. How did we get here? You have a lot of talents. Yeah. I'd love for them to be contained in Belarus. What are they? You know, putting people on edge. You know, that's sort of like...

I think I'm very naturally curious. I think you're very naturally off kilter. I think I'm like a social chameleon where you can drop me into any social situation. I think you have the skin of a chameleon. Yeah. You have a wet, dry kind of vibe. Almost like a scaly. Yeah, yeah.

But like when you see me, I feel like. And you have lizard genitalia. I was going to say that. You're hung, but it's scales. Yeah. And it's barbed. Yeah. I was going to say that I do a good job of asking people and learning from everybody.

But you were talking about how. You do a good job of being a fly on the wall, which people would prefer. What? Yeah. Yeah. Just like. Like fly into a fly trap. Exactly.

You're a Venus. No. You snap at people in different ways. Like it's not so overt that it's like, oh, Amir's in a house. You're not good to be around or to be with or to be. You do what you do well enough to make a living at it.

You're never going to be a living legend. No. I think you are a dead on arrival. Yeah. I was going to say, I maximized. You maximized, but the ceiling was a floor to others. You hit the ceiling of the basement. Everyone else is partying upstairs.

I think I was able to parlay the fortunate lot I had genetically with what cast I was born into. And then being able to sort of turn that and maximize that into it. And actually it's evidenced by your brother's massive success. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Financially and emotionally. Both of them are so much more successful than you. It kind of proves that you didn't live up to your potential.

If anything, you squandered every opportunity. And you mentioned cast. Oh, yeah. I was wondering if maybe they'd start to like flip it meaning meaning you know porcelain skin is not worth it to them yeah so because of like you redefine an entire religion i think meaning hinduism hinduism um they value other things because they were born and not in a prophetic way in a pathetic way you're weird we've been circling

you're weird you're a weird man you're a weirdo you gotta ways to say it the fucking the short cow sometimes you gotta come out cause I feel like yeah we were trying to be nice

not really there's no point 8 minutes of calling me a nothing man no you're something it's just what it is is bad right you're not nothing in fact you're too much too much of a bad thing is a bad thing but not always like sometimes you like

break through and then it's like okay now that I've been through that grit and grind and turmoil. But it is adversity. And I would say spending time with you is a challenge. Yeah. That you can overcome. We shall overcome. No, no, no.

Not you. What? We won't overcome you. You don't sing. I was trying to like ending up on your guys' side joining together. So it's like the three. Why don't sing I was trying to like ending up on your guys' side joining together so it's like the three

why don't you why don't you move to Belarus I wouldn't mind if you eunuched yourself in Belarus I'm not gonna cut my dick off

that's not bad I'll move to Russia I'm not cutting my dick off no way okay cause there's there wouldn't be a reason to do that

okay just testes then no not the testes yeah why don't we not a full castration not any castration you can still have your fun and eat it too i think so but not if i cut my balls off i was gonna say with the balls off you can still have your yeah yeah let's go whole hog meaning your penis and nuts sort of ken yourself twisted and removed right removed as it were

and what do you guys think is something that you guys aren't very good at like if you're good at dishing it out are you able to internalize any problems with yourself? I didn't quite hear what you just said because I was still thinking about the eunuch I was thinking about a haircut you could get that might make the eunuch thing stand out more

yeah bowl cut or a bald cut it's like you put a bowl over your head and then you invert it that might make the eunuch thing stand out. Bowl cut. Yeah, bowl cut or a bald cut. It's like you put a bowl over your head and then you invert it and then shave just where the bowl would be. So there's hair like... Basically fill a bowl with hair. Nail pattern baldness. Put that on your head.

And that'll accentuate my lack of... You could do a straight razor shave down to the bone. So not just the hair, but the skin layers there thus. Yeah. Drive a tractor no as your daily driver like in the water boy i don't even know how to fuck i don't have a license for that you don't need a license for that if you live in belarus yeah trust me they're not going to be pulling you over a dickless guy with a bald cut in a tractor? No one's paying attention to that guy.

You will live anonymously, like you do here. You'll blend in in Belarus. I don't blend in. Yesterday, one of the waiters at this restaurant recognized me. The only issue I was going to say, I don't know if you would be able to get sushi, and you really like sushi. I love sushi. I feel like that's just one... Let me stay. I'm asking

you to beg you to stay. Okay. Maybe you stay as long as you stay, Chase. But I can have sugarfish. You can have sugarfish, but let's take your nuts. Still the castration, but I get to be in LA. Yeah. And you have to pay for half of my sushi. Deal.

Garb, garb, garb. All right. That was three segments of varying degrees of success, I thought. Yeah. Number one was the songs. The songs were a hit. The psalms. The psalms were a hit.

Oh, we could write psalms next time, too. That'd be good. Biblical poems. Yeah. Number two, I'd say, was the brainstorm, though we didn't really get very far. Right. Three was whatever happened at the end there. The story. Biblical poems. Yeah. Number two, I'd say, was the brainstorm, though we didn't really get very far. Right. No.

Three was whatever happened at the end there. The story. It started as a story and it ended up with you guys telling me to cut my balls off. We had an intervention. Yes, exactly. But I was doing nothing wrong. It was more of an innovention. Yeah. So I walked into a room and you guys just pitched me ideas.

Yeah, we innovated. I wasn't doing anything wrong. You just wanted to make me better we punched you up yeah that'd be fucking devastating that'd be worse than the intervention because the intervention is like okay i'm rooted in a problem i have right this one is just you're just all problems are rooted in you correct exactly there's nothing you can eliminate intervention from this elimination diet you try meditation but don't know. I don't see it going well. Because then you're alone with, well, you.

Who wants to see slash be that? All right. Listen to the HeadGum Podcast. Anything else? That's it. Listen to the HeadGum Podcast. That's awesome. We have episode 200 coming up soon.

Wow. Is that the one? Mark reminds me. We got to figure that out. We should cut that show. What's that? That reminds me. Just because they're at 200, we should cut that show. What's that? That reminds me just because they're at 200 we should cut that show.

I thought we were cutting it way earlier. We're supposed to. I think you didn't want to talk to Jeff and I was like I don't want to be the one to say it.

Be afraid of conflict. Did you talk to Katie in April? Go see Katie. Katie is here today so I might slip out. I might slither out. Go see Katie.

Slick. Actually sneaking out. Fork tongue. Slicking. Actually sneaking out. I forked tongue. Still thinking of two parking spots. Why did you leave your car in the parking lot here last night? I didn't mean to. Yeah. I parked to go to dinner and then I drank.

And I'm responsible. I don't drink and drive. Yeah. And it was walking distance to your house and here. In a way. Which I only feel comfortable saying because I'm responsible. I don't drink and drive. Yeah. And it was walking distance to your house and here? In a way, which I only feel comfortable saying because I'm about to move. Let's talk about

where you're moving to. I don't want to. Okay. All right. This is segments. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. You can see more of us

on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Jeff, you edit those. I do. Kind of a secret, but it's in the credits, so that's fine to know. It's not a secret at all. People, every week someone comments like, Jeff edits these?

Like I don't have any hard employable skills. That's my only hard employable skill. That's good. You're fast. Networking. Which I am still available for hire for. Send me to a conference and watch me talk to people. Here's my business card.

It's like a centimeter by a foot. It looks like a roll of tokens. Vertical, too, so it's like a lot of dashes. It's a spaghetti vertically with writing on it. Yeah. All right, and we'll be back next week definitely without Jeff, right. Yeah. All right. And we'll be back next week definitely without Jeff. Yeah, for sure.

For sure, for sure. This was a bust for camera. Absolutely. That was a Hiddem Original.