Segments - 19: Roller Coaster Of Love

Episode Date: September 9, 2013

In this episode we discuss motion sickness, booty calls, and anal sex. (Not in that order.) This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com -- prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses for less than $150! Use coupon code "Jake" for free expedited shipping. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live.

Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it.

091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. And Amir's in LA, so I'm going to do this plug all by myself. He trusts me to do it so much that he sent me a very detailed list of exactly how to plug Warby Parker.

So here we go. They've got inexpensive and stylish frames and lenses starting at $95. I don't wear glasses, but Amir says that that's a really good price. All right, and we also got a look at their new fall line, which comes out September 10th, and they're actually very, very stylish. I'm thinking about getting bad vision so I can start wearing their glasses. They've got a home try-on program where they send you five frames for free, and you just tell them which one you like and your prescription, and they send it back to you in the mail. You can use the... Sorry. We can edit this together, right? You can use the coupon code Jake for free expedited shipping once you do buy.

Oh, my God. You can use the coupon code Jake for free expedited shipping once you do buy your glasses. And thank you guys so much for checking them out. It really means a lot to us. It really helps support the podcast. And an extra special thanks to you guys who actually bought the frames and forwarded us the receipt. You know who you are, and now the world is going to know who you are. Here are your names. Kristen L, Lizette D,

Nikki R, Lydia J, Martin N, pronounced Martine, shoot, sorry, Martine N. Jordan O. Amber B. Dylan M. Brandon L. Brad S. Alex J. Michael R. And last and certainly least, Andrew L. Thank you guys. Enjoy the show.

Oh, the earth is caving in. It's time to sink or swim. Jake and Amir for the win. Time for the podcast to begin. Roses red and violets blue. Advice I'm sending out to you. Pretty chill. Very chill. Almost too chill. In fact, let's go back. Delete it.

Wait, why? Start over. Start the podcast over. No. All right. Fair enough. I realize you're not the boss. You are not the boss of me.

Jesse Friesen is the guy who wrote that song. Jesse Friesen, you are a chill dude. We are Jake and Amir. We're very comfortable in this episode because we're not recording in my apartment. We are coming to you from Amir's wet dream of a recording studio. Just drenched in semen. That's why there's no reverb or echo. Amir's wet dream in my nightmare. I'm in a room covered in Amir's semen. That's why it's so beautifully soft and perfectly recorded. We're actually recording from a recording studio,

if you can imagine. There are places that are built to record, not just my living room. When he's covered it with towels. And this one's called Rec Room Records. Two very nice dudes let us in here, brought us to this room that's basically, like you described, my wet dream of a recording studio.

Yes. Incredibly warm-colored, cold and comfortable, dark-ish, dim-ish, very lots of, God, what do you call these, like, giant rectangles that are soft on the walls? Absorption pads is what I just invented. Instead of just me hanging up towels on a television. And this place is so great. So thank you so much to Rec Room Records for having us. I guess for whatever reason, they decided that they'd want to let us record here whenever we want. So I feel like we're going to take advantage of that.

I think we're just going to make them regret it. I think we are going to make them regret it. Thanks, guys. Time to hate us. They want us to mention their URL or their Twitter account, but I don't need to do that. Yes, you do. I don't need to do anything. We're already recording. We're already here.

They can kick us out at any second. Please don't. The door comes in. No, no, no. Get off me. I'll say it. Ass. Rec Room is with a W. That's the pun. So it's W-R-E-C-K-R-O-O-M dot TV. And it's actually a recording studio run by Adrian Grenier. Yes. He's an actor, you guys.

I think you've heard of him. I don't know if you've ever heard of the Entourage, but he's on it. You jerk. So thanks so much for letting us in here, guys. It sounds great. I'm so excited to hear that. Like, I don't even care if this episode is funny or not. Yeah, at this point, we're on the 20-minute mark,

and you haven't even opened your email for a question. Oh, no, I didn't bring emails. Yeah, we're just here. This is just an audio experience more than anything else. Yes. They also said they'd edit this episode for us. They'll level the audio for me. I wonder if they'll edit out that part where you called

Adrian Grenet's show Entourage. He'll never listen to it. He's got bigger fish to fry. I mean, they make actual songs here. We basically are like kids who snuck into their daddy's recording studio to make our little radio show.

We're in between their actual work. Little do they know, we're going to come here every day for the next year and a half to record an episode, whether they like it or not. At a certain point, the door's going to be locked. Probably next time we try to come. I don't care.

As long as I'm on the inside when they lock it, I'm not going anywhere. I'll die here. I will gladly be buried here. Let them carry my carcass out. Right, so the show is If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast

on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Jake. And I'm Amir. And if you guys, if you don't know how it works, you get into sticky situations, you email us your questions, your conundrums, your problems, and we will do our best to answer your questions, give you life advice. It might not be good, but it'll hopefully be funny. And that's pretty much it.

The email that you email is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Good work. Thanks, pal. Jeez. I'm not even needed, I guess. Yeah, I guess you weren't. Here, take my phone, read the emails. Okay. Have fucking fun without me. I will, actually.

Are you expecting this to be contentious about this at some point? Do you want me to try to win you back? Because I won't. Also, if you've never listened to an episode before, usually the first five minutes are not just us gushing over a sweet room. Right, because usually we're recording in hell. It's Amir's hot apartment.

The AC is turned off. We're sitting on hard chairs hunched over a table speaking directly into mics. Right now I'm sitting on a chair made of mahogany with leather accents sipping from, I guess this is a rocks glass. A glass that you would drink scotch out of, serving very clean, fresh, not room temperature, but not too cold water.

We really have to start the podcast. We really do. No, I'm not even close. Describing the water glasses. You started it, I think. I know, I'm talking to myself. All right, all right, all right. First question.

We're going to read these emails. These are real emails from real people, but we're giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity. There we go. That's right. So first email we received this week, or at least the first one we're reading, is from someone I'll call Brandon.

Brandon. Brandon writes, well, well, well, Jake and Amir finally are on a podcast. Here's my question. Sorry. I shouldn't have read that part. Okay, here's the real question.

This girl... Actually, that's the whole thing I really should have screened these A lot of them are just people telling us we have a podcast We already knew that You guys already knew that, you're listening Alright, here we go Okay, Brandon writes

This girl I've liked for a long time finally invited me on a date So I obviously said yes But it's to an amusement park And all three times in my life that I've been to an amusement park, I've thrown up on at least one of the rides. I don't want to puke in front of her and ruin my chances, but I also don't want to seem like a pussy for not going on the rides. Help! I love that he said at least one of the rides. So you've been to an amusement park, thrown up on a ride, gone on another ride, and thrown up again? It's called the boot and rally. That's the name of the ride.

Alright, I did the merry-go-round, yarfed, and now I'm gonna do this loop-de-loop thing. Hope I don't spew again. Whoop! There I go, and I just did this teacup ride. Can I make it a hat trick? Here we go. Three for three, one time.

Elevator of terror. If you need me, I'm going to be drinking clam chowder out of a bread bowl. I actually very much resonate with this question because I've been to an amusement park before and I'm very susceptible to motion sickness.

And I was with a girl and she's like, come on, it's not that big of a deal. I really will not feel good after. She's like, come on, just do it. I'm like, I will do not feel good after. She's like, come on, just do it. I'm like, I will do it and I will be sick. She's like, all right, great, that'll mean a lot to me. I did it, I was sick, I did vomit. You vomited? Did you vomit on the ride?

No, I didn't vomit on the ride, but it was just like, I don't understand the joy of rides that just make you dizzy. That's not fun. It's not just a, I mean, what ride did you go on? It was a ride that was basically like a horizontal Ferris wheel, but then in addition to that, your little pod is going around. So you're going around and around as you're going around and around, if that makes sense. So like I basically, it was torture.

I basically felt like I was going to puke and then it just got sped up and up and up. Well, that's a very... I closed my eyes and it only helped a little bit. And then for the rest of the night... That's a pretty dangerous ride if you're susceptible to motion sickness. Exactly. I think there are definitely roller coasters that are not nearly as bad as that. Right.

Like, Brandon could go on a roller coaster that might just do, like, one loop, and mostly it's just fast. Or, like, a log flume where you just get wet, and no one's going to vomit there. Right. You know, there are carnival—there are games there. Yeah. You just go to the amusement park. Do the water park. Do the water one.

The water—oh. Like, most amusement parks amusement parks have like a water thing right so you're saying let's say yes to the date go to the amusement park and then just decide to play the game try well try to steer it in a way that was is not going to make you sick if she's saying go in this loop-de-loop-de-loop-de-loop then you got to be like hey let's try this one let's do the one where i just throw a ball at milk bottles. He still throws up somehow. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. Oh, missed all the bottles. How?

The milk landed in my throat, I think. I think I just don't like amusement parks. I think I'm just allergic to the breakfast I eat every morning or some shit. Oh, that's another thing. You could just not eat. Then maybe you'll at least dry heave instead of... But it just ruins it. Once you're sick, once you're motion sick,

like, you're out for whatever, however long it lasts. Oh, I don't get motion sickness. What about seasickness? You never get seasick? No, I got sea legs, actually. I really do. Yeah, you have very skinny... I'm a beast in that regard.

You're a beast in many regards, I think. Yeah, I got those skinny little sea legs. I got, like, two peg legs, basically. You're a beast in that you have skinny legs? I'm a beast in that regard. You're skinny, pale, spindly sea legs. I got like two peg legs, basically. You're a beast in that you have skinny legs? I'm a beast in that regard. You're skinny, pale, spindly little legs. That's how you're a beast? Yeah, because I don't get motion sickness or seasickness.

So I guess my pale, skinny legs make me a bit of a beast in that regard. Another way I'm a beast is that I read books in a car. So that's another way that I'm a beast, I guess. I can read a magazine or a book in a car. I can't do that. I wonder what it is. It must be a genetic thing. Yeah, I guess my genes sort of I'm a beast, I guess. I can read a magazine or a book in a car. I can't do that. I wonder what it is. It must be a genetic thing. Yeah, I guess my genes sort of make me a beast.

What's the... My parents were two beasts, if you can believe it. So you have good eyesight, which is another thing that's not nerdy. You don't get seasickness. I get motion sickness. Do you have any nerdy ailments? Do you have nosebleeds, ear infections? What's your nerdiest problem?

I guess when I was in high school, I had acne. Pretty bad acne? No. I had one golf ball size zit once and it popped. I think my skinny legs are a nerdy ailment. I'm trying to play them up right now, but they don't make me cool.

But skinny jeans are kind of cool. You can be cool. I guess. But you don't have anything. I guess, what else would be nerdy about you? Oh, it's not really an element, but you're really into Lord of the Rings. That's true. I love Lord of the Rings, shamelessly. That's a nerdy thing, but it's not really a genetic disposition. What's nerdy about Aragorn, huh?

Fucking an elf. Yeah. I don't think there's anything nerdy about that. I guess I do. Aragorn boned Arwen, and I think that's pretty pimp, actually. He had great eyesight. So what would you tell? I would tell this guy, I don't know.

I mean, I feel his pain. I don't know. Like, does he say yes and then embarrass himself at the place? I mean, yeah, I feel like you're the one that's way more qualified to answer this question because I don't get motion sickness. I would say yes and then go on the rides that are non-dizzying. Because, like, I mean, I'm afraid of roller coasters in general. That's a whole different set of problems that I have.

Yeah, you're afraid of roller coasters? Yeah, like I will not. Ah, you loser! What, you'll do any roller coaster? Yeah. There's no roller coaster that would be too scary for you. No. What about the one at the top of the stratosphere which is like the largest building in vegas and it's just like this log that

like dips over the edge and then you go backwards i can imagine being nervous but i wouldn't not do it you would not do it what about like a giant like 700 foot drop yeah that just lifts you up and drops right fine that's fine yeah okay cool so i guess i'm the asshole i guess you are pal uh yeah you can always go on the date and then like day of be like hey i'm actually like i feel kind of sick i like really want to be here with you but like i might not ride all the rides like oh i had a really late night last night that makes you sort of cool like even though i knew we had this date i got fucked off yesterday i'm also like scared as shit of drops and loops or whatever. So I say, I say go for

it. Suck it up and don't do the dizzy rides. You're saying not even suck it up. Don't do the dizzy rides. Suck it up and not do something. All right. Suck it up. Man up. Don't have to do the rides you're afraid of. All right. You be a man. Do it. Woo. Don't do the rides that you don't want to go on.

Here we go. That's it. Just man up and don't do the scary ones, buddy. Man up and tell that girl, hey, if it's a pretty big drop, say you're too scaredy to do it. And she has to respect that. She'll French you. She'll have to. She'll have to respect the honesty. Oh, God.

I'm a nerd and a loser for that. That question didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be. I guess it's better than me advocating destroying a humane society. Oh, yeah, that was the other one. Oh, by the way, you guys, I mean, by this point, the Humane Society episode aired two weeks ago, right? But I learned more about what Humane Society is doing. And they don't just rescue birds and squirrels.

No, they're involved in animal cruelty in general. There's a wildfire. Yeah. A lot of injured animals, the Humane Society steps in. Crazier than that, my statement about whether or not there are drain on societies still stands. Now that I know that. You dick. You absolute asshole. Alright. Second question? Second question.

Number two. Let's do this. This one comes from Steve Sanders. Hi, Steve. Steve Sanders writes, I got 99 problems, and they're all bitches. That's a funny way to start the email. It's a Kid Cudi lyric. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, so never mind. I take back my laughter. I got 99 problems, and they're all bitches. That's a funny way to start the email. It's a Kid Cudi lyric. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, so never mind. I take back my laughter. 99 problems and they all bitches. That's funny. He's a funny rapper, I think, then. All right, Steve Sanders writes, there's two girls that work

at the gym I go to. Let's call girl A, Abby, and girl B, Brittany. I want to ask out Brittany, but I think Abby likes me. I've tried talking to both of them before, but I feel awkward trying to ask out Brittany in front of Abby. How should I ask out Brittany? Should I wait and hope that I see Brittany when Abby isn't working? Should I go for it and ask Brittany anyway? Should I flirt with Abby, making Brittany a little jealous before I make the move on her?

Or should I throw a Hail Mary and try to get a threesome? Sincerely, Steve Sanders. And thank you, Steve, for giving us a multiple choice answer. It's like the SATs of podcasts over here. Hey, pals, I don't trust you to give advice. So I'm going to give you the four options. Would you say those are his four options? I don't know. Part of me wants to make fun of him for being like such a douchebag. It's like, oh, which girls, like two girls at the gym? I can have either one. Which one do I do? How do I play this? But, uh, I think I've also been there. This seems like a problem you've had where you have a crush on a girl, but her friend has a crush on you. So you're like, Oh, this one girl is sort of blocking my cock, right? Yes. I would hate to have my cock blocked. Yeah.

At the very least my cock needs to be rocked. Yes, I'm shocked. I'm shocked that my cock hasn't been rocked. It's been cock blocked. If you can believe that. This is exactly the opposite of what I expected. Exactly. I think, I guess like those are all pretty viable ways to play it, aside from the obvious joke, which is the Hail Mary threesome.

No. So we can eliminate D. Eliminate D. This is like how you would take the SATs. You sort of eliminate your answer choices and make the best guess. I think the other three are all viable options depending on the moment. I guess I wouldn't do option C, which is flirt with Abby and making Brittany jealous.

No, I would do that. You would do that. I would do that. You would flirt with a girl that likes you. I would flirt with a girl that liked me in order to make somebody else jealous, but also because I like flirting and like a flirtation would probably be mutually

enjoyable for Steve and Abby. Oh, I see. So that's like a fun thing and it's got these added benefits of making Britney a little jealous. So how do you flirt with one girl and then ask out another? Sorry, I want to go back to the fact that you vomit on roller coasters real quick. So you were the authority on motion sickness at the amusement park.

And then when there was two hot girls at a gym question, you deferred to me, right? Is that what happened? We've never done a recap. Everybody that's listening in your car right now or at work, turn it up a little bit. Let's hear Amir admit that he's a fucking grade a loser i know no this is good i want everyone to know i'm happy we're finally having mom actually turn it up this time i know i asked you to turn it down always but i really think this is an intervention stop washing the dish mom i touched the net mom i washed the dish this is the best dish of my life.

So I think the only thing I wouldn't do is ask out Brittany right in front of Abby. I feel like that's like a little, it's a little rude. It's a D move. Yeah, it's mean. It's a mean move. Right. But what if Brittany says no, then do you move on to Abby or like you only got one shot? Do not miss your chance to blow.

I don't know. It depends how close Abby and Brittany are. But I think you could probably ask Brittany out, be rejected. And if you're still interested in Abby, like you still want to have a date, then yeah, you could totally do that. Have you ever been in the situation, asked out Brittany and she's like, I can't. Abby really has a crush on you. And then you're like, wait a minute. That doesn't mean that you can't date me just because your friend likes me. Yes, I've been in that situation. And do the people,

do the ladies usually side with their friend or side with you? I don't know. When there's sort of like a dramatic situation like that, it's everybody sort of like feeds into the drama

because it's like sort of exciting. So like if a friend likes me, I've definitely used that to like get with a prettier friend where they're like, oh no, so-and-so likes you. Like, yeah, I know and I don't want to hurt her.

Maybe you shouldn't even tell her that we're talking. And then like, ah, shit. Mom, turn it back down. So you turn it into like a game to excite the lady that you're trying to court. And it usually helps, works? I think. If you have a crush on a girl, would you prefer that her friend has a crush on you? Yes.

Oh, so that's better. Yeah, yeah. Because like a girl has a crush on you then like to her friends you're like oh this is a desirable guy like I show up somewhere where like some girl has like

presumably been like oh Jake's gonna come he's really cute I really like him and then I come and somebody's looking at me through the lens of Jake's a cute guy

I'm supposed to like him and then suddenly they like me what's up alright alright alright I'm sorry mama alright so your advice is to was it All right, all right, all right. I'm sorry, mama. All right, so your advice is to... I think it was either A.

What was A? What was option A? Wait and hope that I see Brittany when Abby isn't working. Yeah, A or C. So you flirt with Abby and then make Brittany a little jealous, and then when Abby's not there, ask out Brittany. I think that's the move. That's the move, and you know what?

I totally agree, for sure. You... I really do. Have you ever been in a situation where two girls like two? Not two girls. Not even two friends, just two girls at the same time. And your mom definitely counts as one. Have you ever had your mom and a girl like you at the same goddamn time?

No, of course you haven't, and I know that because you haven't shut up about it. Here he goes, he's vomiting. He's rocking back and forth in his chair a little too much and now he's puking. I would never feel motion sick in this room. This is my safe space. Amir's in his happy place. This is such a solid, safe basement. Are we in like the half hour area right now?

We are around the 20 minute mark. How sad are you for this episode to be over? This is going to be our first four hour episode. The guys who are helping us out have to go to dinner. They're just going to leave and come back. Brian and Michael are their names. Brian, Michael, thank you. At Rec Room.

RecRoom.tv or Twitter at Rec Room. Check them out. Please check them out. Let's move on to question number three. Right. Support them and maybe we can come back into the studio. Yeah, maybe they'll let us back in. I am shitting myself,

so I feel like that's going to be a huge no-no. Right, but you shit yourself when you walked in, too. Yeah. I can't believe how much you have in you at any given time.

It's really impressive, almost. In you, out of you, on its way out of you. Like, I know you don't eat this much food, It's like a drippy faucet. Oh, God. Sorry.

It's like a burrito. All right, question number three. This one comes from David Silver. David Silver. Three guys in a row. We got to... I think the next one is going to be a lady. All right, cool.

Ladies, please email us more. Yeah. We're tired of choosing guy questions. It's not anything against y'all. It's just that our volume is primarily dudes. Right. Or at least ask questions that make you so dumb sounding that we can make fun of you. All the female questions are very logical and smart.

And we're like, yeah, I know. I guess we can answer this. But where's the fun? All right. Here we go. Love the show brings me loads of happiness to my workplace, writes David. You know what else would bring me happiness? If I had a good way to ask my girlfriend to swallow. She'll usually combat it with, would

you want to taste it? And hey, I don't, but I don't think, but I think it'd be kind of hot to try. Also, if you can get behind that, let's talk about getting behind my girlfriend. Do you two push for anal sex or ask for it? It's something that I think could be fun to try, but working it into a conversation doesn't revolve around an argument that appears to be blacker than the cherry I'm trying to pop. Thanks, David. I love this guy. It reads like

amateur stand-up, almost. Now, do you get... Speaking of getting behind... Yeah, you were speaking of getting behind. Don't throw us into this. Ass. Oh, man.

So he wants his girlfriend to swallow his semen and then also for him to be able to have anal sex. So he just wants to be a little... Welcome to every guy's... This is every guy's problem. Why is that? This is the dirtiest thing we've talked about, but why is it good? Why is it hot or attractive for a woman to swallow?

I don't. Because it's the same for you. Right. You're ejaculating. I still came into a mouth. But then what do you care if she swallows? Well, sometimes a girl will like, if you say I'm coming, she'll like move her head away. Right.

And like, that's, I mean, I'm sorry, I'm a pig, but that's the worst. That's worse than genocide, I think. Oh my God. Yeah. I could not agree with you more, actually, if you can believe that. But I guess like having it in your mouth and spitting it out, I personally think that's fine. I don't know why he wants her to swallow. It's her argument, would you want to taste it?

Maybe she doesn't even want it in her mouth. Right. Well, it's true. I mean, but at the same time, girls do stuff to guys and guys do stuff to girls that they wouldn't necessarily want to do. That's sort of like... What do guys do to girls they wouldn't necessarily want to do? Like, for example, oral sex on a lady.

Maybe a lady wouldn't want to do that to another lady. Right, but what guy doesn't want to go down on a girl? No, but he's like, would you want to taste it? And then it's like, no, I don't want to taste it, but maybe girls want to taste it. Oh, right. I see. Yeah, some stuff turns guys on. I thought you were saying you didn't like oral sex.

No, no. Some stuff turns guys on that girls didn't want to do. So you like oral sex? Totally. Are you kidding me? I like oral sex and No, no. Some stuff turns guys on that girls didn't want to do. So you like all sex? Totally. Are you kidding me? All sex and roller coasters. I really just want you to talk about sex on the podcast. I know you have it.

I know you have sex. But somehow I'm always the one that talks about sex. And it's weird because your family listens to the show more than my family does. Tell you what, pal. I'm going to sit this one out. This room suddenly got much more uncomfortable. All right. Anal sex.

Here's something I could talk about comfortably. Never had it. Not interested in it. The end. Oh, my God. Come on. Got to jump in here. It doesn't appeal to me, anal sex.

You're never even curious? No. I just assume it feels like a tighter vagina. But you know what it is? It's too dirty for me because that's where poop comes out of. All right. I mean, poop doesn't just... It's not like it's always...

It's not like your butt where poop's always coming out of. It's not always coated with feces. Yeah, the inside is probably always coated with feces. No, I don't think poop works like that. Yeah, imagine shitting. Imagine shitting through a tube. Then you wipe the outside of the tube. What do you think's on the inside of the tube?

I think, I don't... I think there's shit on the inside. Unless you're getting a freaking colostomy. And maybe there is a little bit, but you wash it off. You get shit on, you have shit on your butt when you wipe. Unless you use a bidet so strong the water goes up into your rectum, there's going to be shit on the inside of your pores.

Poop's part of our life. Like, you probably, if a girl was on her period, you wouldn't want to have sex with her, right? I guess that's more appealing to me than... Poop. Blood is better than poop. Blood is... I've always said that. Seize the cheese.

Blood is better than poop. Just, our average listener age is around eight to nine years old. Oh, God. Mortified. I think I can understand your girl, where she's coming from, about not wanting to have anal sex, because I heard that that can be painful. Yeah, it's a tighter, it's a square peg into a round hole. There are like, I mean, there are definitely, there are like things you can read and you know tips helpful tips for making anal sex less

less painful but I think having anal sex is something you should not pressure your girlfriend into because the more you push for it the less she's going to want to do it I think what you got to do is it's in her mind

this is something that I really want now put it in her butt it's in her mind. You know, like this is something that I really want. Now put it in her butt. It's in her mind. Now put it in her butt. If she knows you want it, like say like, oh, this is all I want for my birthday. This is all I want for Christmas. That's so sad to ask her anal for your birthday. Even if it's joking.

I remember I used to, there was a girlfriend far in my past that I would do. I like made these jokes all the time, but like, you know, it was playful and funny, but everybody knows that that's like, you know, there's like a deep seated truth there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, when it's like, when somebody's, it happens, they feel in the mood. They're like, it's in their mind, even though they think they don't want to, then something's happening and like they change their mind a little bit. Yeah. And they're down to try. I think you gotta then something's happening and they change their mind a little bit. Yeah.

And they're down to try. I think it's a slow play. It's a slow play. Or you can find someone who specifically likes anal sex. That way you don't have to convince anyone. But he doesn't even know that he likes anal sex. He just wants to try it. Yeah, that's true.

Have you tried using another human's butthole just to see what it feels like? Perhaps another guy's butthole? Tell your girlfriend you're going to go visit a male prostitute just so you can experience anal. Say it's nothing against you. I respect your decision. I do want my penis in a butt. So I'm going to go on that adventure

and I will come back to you a changed man, all for the worse. A hundred percent worse. Nothing about me will be better than that oh god oh I hope we can help I know I feel uncomfortable this guy all he wants

is a girl to swallow his load and to eff her in the butt is that too much to ask I think it actually might be I think it's too much to ask for you to you want to fuck your girlfriend in the ass and then make her swallow your cum you debaucherous filthy jerk you watch too much porn for you to... You want to fuck your girlfriend in the ass and then make her swallow your cum.

You debaucherous, filthy jerk. You watch too much porn. She's going to get sick. I know it. I know vomit. That's going to make her vomit. That's my wheelhouse. Have I talked about how comfortable I am right now?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. This would be the time that we do a little breaky break. I'm so relaxed in this room, I don't even freaking need it. Let's take our break and just plug Rec Room.TV one more time. You guys, please at least visit the site. At least visit the site because we're so happy to be here.

Yeah, I feel like if you could visit two sites right now, it would be RecRoom.TV and WarbyParker.comcom or no seize the cheese seize the cheese.com for the next week is gonna forward to rec room.tv we can do that how's that we can do that go to seize the cheese.com you're gonna go to rec room.tv all right i don't know how domain forwarding works but i'll tell you what my my nerdy little partner who's never had anal sex and pukes on a fucking merry-go-round. I feel like he's going to figure it out. I really think that, yeah, I feel like he can figure that shit out. You went on the spitty little teacups and he almost puked.

We went nutted in a girl's face last week, all right? So I think you know how to forward a domain. I'm being bullied. Adrian Grenier. Help me, sir. Get me out of this room. Please. I assure you I know how to pronounce entourage.

That was a joke. Oh, he's beating me up. I know how to pronounce Grenier, too. Holy sheesh kabobs. Now we're having fun. Finally. It's about freaking time. It took coming to Rec Room.

All right. Final question? Yeah, maybe two more. You really want this to be the hour-long podcast. I don't want to go anywhere. We're only at the 25-minute mark. Oh, really? And this is a lady question.

Dope. Let's do it. All right. This one comes from Brenda Walsh, Brandon's twin sister. Hi. I'm currently, but not at this precise moment, sleeping with a friend. I don't want a relationship with him, but want it to keep it purely sexual. I don't want a relationship with him, but I want to keep it purely sexual. I think he is on the same page, but I don't want to feel like a booty call.

It seems like we each kind of text each other when we're in the mood, but he always comes to my place. He still is with his folks. Does this mean I'm his booty call? I feel like we have an unspoken agreement as to what we are doing, and I would rather it be a mutual booty call than me feeling like it's one-sided. Or am I just overthinking this? All the best, Brenda. Yeah, Brenda, you nailed it. You're overthinking it? When you said, am I overthinking it?? All the best, Brenda. Yeah, Brenda. You nailed it. You're overthinking it? When you said, am I overthinking it, that was the answer to your question. What is this mutual booty call versus one-sided booty call?

What's the difference? I don't even understand. It was so convoluted. But the situation is very simple and fun, it sounds like. Right. She's like, I don't want anything more, but I don't want to be like just some sex object to him. What are you talking about?

You said one thing and then another. They conflict each other. Ma'am. I'm sorry, Brenda, but you're a hypocrite, I think. And you don't deserve a booty call, mutual or one-sided, actually. I think you're, I guess it's easy to feel insecure when you're in that situation where you're like. Is he just using me?

Especially if that's the way she feels about him. It seems like that's what she thinks. She's like, oh, I'm just using this guy. Wait a second, is he using me? But if you're both using each other, how long can that last before things get sticky? Who knows? Have you ever had like a mutually,

no strings attached relationship where nobody ever got emotionally attached and then it just faded off and ended? I think so. Or does it always result in one person wanting more? I guess anytime I've had a discussion like, this is a friendship with benefits, okay? You're a booty call.

It's turned into a relationship of some kind. I think you can't have regular sex with somebody without getting your feelings involved. Sex is such an intimate act. But you can. No, if I was having sex with one person a lot, I would start to care about them. Or you would be like, we should end this. Right. So my trick is to just have sex with as many people as I can a lot.

So different people all the time. You're not getting that deep into like number two, three, four, five. Yeah, I care about nobody. Hey, least of all myself. Because, uh-oh, who's going to love a monster? That's right. Kids are afraid of me. Other monsters fear me. And frankly, my parents don't respect me. But most of all, I'm afraid of myself. How's that fun? Oh, wait, it's not.

I go out with people late in the night to not feel lonely, but newsflash, I feel lonely all the time. Holy shit, I'm on a crowded subway, and guess who I'm around? Absolutely no one. Might as well be empty. That's how I feel all the time. I have sex just to feel, but uh-oh, I don't feel anything. Ever. I'm a robot that's pumping, pumping, pumping, coming, felt good for a second, crippling loneliness. Here I am.

I sacrificed 99.99% of my day to feel happy for.001%, and guess what? It doesn't last. I got 99 problems and they're all bitches. Oh, God. That was very honest of you. Too honest. Thank you so much. I feel like this chair is leading you to a more honest path.

Yeah, this is like... It's therapy. It really is. It's fucking therapy. Don't air this episode. Sir, over there recording this in a very nice software that we can't afford, please delete the source file. Here's what we're going to do.

Press spacebar because I think that halts something. I don't know. We use GarageBand. What are you using? ProTool? I don't even know what that is. Yeah, delete it. Can I play this axe?

There's a Fender Strat hanging over here. I'd love to shred it, especially if it's Adrian's. What is the question? She's overthinking it yeah you're a booty call he's a booty cool booty call if you don't want anything more from him then don't expect any don't expect to be anything more to him that's beautiful thank you if you don't expect anything more from him if you don't want any more. Wait, I forgot what I said already. Well, we lost it. It's good that we were recording.

It was like a butterfly sitting on my hand for a second. And it's gone, baby, gone. Forever. Actually, the recording cut out right at that point, too. No! No! Somebody made a super cut of us yelling no. Yeah, we didn't even know how often we say it.

Perhaps it's online by the time this episode airs. I think so. All right. One last so. All right. One last question. Uno mas. Uno mas. This one is from, um, God, who's another guy? Mr. Walsh, Brandon's father.

James Eckhouse is the actor's name. How do you know that? I've been going out with this girl for seven years, and I want to propose on our anniversary in two weeks. But it's a big thing. I'd have to spend the rest of my life with her, and she's really obsessed with Doctor Who, Oasis, The Stones, Ramones, and a bunch of other bullshit.

She's loved them since she was a kid, but it's getting old. Should I just get the fuck over it and marry her, fine ass? Or should I wait and see if it annoys me too much before I make this huge step? Thanks, guys. You've already been with her for seven years. Well, what do you expect? Seven whole years. He's like, it's a huge thing. I'll have to be with her

for the rest of my life. You just lost seven years, buddy. You're already like, yeah, very deep. What do you do? Break up with her and start new? Hopefully it stops annoying me at year 17 and then I can pop the old cue. It's so small, too. Like, two bands at a show that she likes. Can you imagine liking two bands?

Should I just marry her, fine ass? Here's the thing. She likes two of the most respected bands in music history in a pretty awesome show. I don't know. Maybe I can just settle for it. I don't think she should marry you. I don't know. Maybe I can just settle for it. I don't think she should marry you. I don't like any bands or any show.

Actually, it sounds like she's my dream girl. She's obsessed with shit. But it's getting old. I guess if you think it's getting old, I don't want to advise him not to marry this girl, but he's being very cavalier about this proposal. Right, yeah, this is marriage, dude. Should I just get over it and marry her fine ass?

You shouldn't say marry and fine ass in the same question. Fine ass is not for marriage. I don't think you should be writing into an advice podcast about whether or not you should propose. That seems really heavy. That's really heavy shit, actually. We're sort of answering questions about vomiting poop. Question number one was, yeah, going to an amusement park with someone.

That was a first date. Now we're talking about the seven-year anniversary. And whether or not you should vomit. What if he's actually looking for us? My advice to you is, for the love of God, ask somebody else that you respect. Or like that knows more about the situation. Sure, ask your dad. Like if this is a dream girl and the one downside

is that she's obsessed with Doctor Who, hey, go for it. That's as best as you're going to get. Yeah, she's probably, I bet she won't even be into all this stuff

a couple years down the line. Well, it has been seven years and she's still very into it. But think about the things that happen when you get married. Like, you have to get a house, pay a mortgage, maybe raise a kid.

Yeah. You don't have time for the stones. I don't think my mom was obsessed with anything when I was growing up, aside from just raising six children. You know what she was obsessed with is making me a goddamn lunch. That's what she was obsessed with.

Yo, Laura, you're like obsessed with feeding the kids. That's what you were telling her at age seven? That's what my dad was saying. Like, I'm happy I married your fine ass, but you're like, you're so all about getting them to school Sports practice It's like And shit

It's getting old If you need me I'm gonna be listening to the Stones Watching Doctor Who My dad is the biggest Oasis fan there is He's obsessed with Oasis I can't believe your mom married his fine ass So our advice to you is to go somewhere else for advice This is our first time we've actually obsessed with Oasis. I can't believe your mom married his fine ass. So our advice to you is to go somewhere else for advice.

This is our first time we've actually urged this person not to seek our guidance. Yeah, seek some guidance somewhere else. Although he did help us out. He made it to the show and we got like a little funny question out of it. Yeah, I guess we appreciate you ultimately. So ultimately please do what you do, but at this point

start asking more people. I would say yo do you in this situation. All right. Now we are definitely, definitely out of time. This was such a fun, great place and episode to shoot this podcast. Yeah. Thank you, Rec Room. Thank you guys so much.

For listening. If you guys can still go on iTunes and subscribe to the show there. It really helps us out. And you can also listen to the show at ifireyoushow.com or I guess not thisweekseesthecheese.com because we're going to forward it to thewreckroom.tv. But otherwise, we are usually over there as well. Anything else you want to mention? Let's not overload them this time.

That's plenty. If you guys are at your computer, I feel like you've opened up three different tabs at this point, and we appreciate it. I feel like you are launching iTunes right now to write a positive review and subscribe, so we appreciate that as well. You're checking out Warby Parker.

You're checking out Rec Room, and you're checking out us. I feel like we've asked you for more than enough, actually. And what, we've provided you with, what, 25 minutes of jokes? That's not fair. we owe you more actually and you have absolutely every right to be mad at us we apologize 40 more minutes here we go we're still accepting theme song submissions

this has turned into a thing that we're just never going to end this last one comes from Alex Moses and if you think you got one that's even better or as good as or slightly worse than his, we'd love to hear it. That email one more time is ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

Thanks for listening. We love you all. Bye. If I were you, I wouldn't talk about the way you get I feel inside, I thought we were best friends from the start I thought you were my friend If I were you, oh yeah If I were you, oh yeah I thought you were my friend, oh yeah

If I were you