Segments - 190: Best of 2015

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

In this episode we revisit our favorite bits, answers, and theme songs from the last year. This episode is brought to you by Headspace, Skurt, and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. this advice podcast download it on the internet type it into your browser if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you the show starts now um um um um um um um um all, this one is from a college dude. Can you give us a name and read the question like a college dude? Oh, Riley Crilearson? Riley writes. Yeah, Riley writes. Hey, dudes, what's up?

This past fall, I moved into a college apartment with my two bros from back home, in brackets, and a random fourth roommate who's never here since it is a college apartment we don't have much room to make the space our own i just need you to do an apostrophe after don and before t thanks we have a couple posters up some lights pretty typical college stuff. Somewhat. I hope that has nothing to do with the rest. He just wants you to know that.

Don't worry. It's on there. A couple posters, lights. Like, we're close. Black lights or whatever. It's deece. It's like 8 out of 10. Recently, after we got back from winter break,

we had the idea to decorate a blanket. Your lips are so tight. Yeah, man. Get it tight, man. I fucked like 30 girls, like skin 10. To decorate a blank wall with pictures we draw, Drew. Draw? It could be draw.

Pictures we draw. Say that last sentence one more time. This is the crux of the short. Recently, after we got back from winter break, we had the idea to decorate a blank wall with pictures we draw. Say that last sentence one more time. This is the crux of the short. Recently after we got back from winter break, we had the idea to decorate a blank wall with pictures we draw. Okay, sure. It fucks me up. I think it's true, right?

Yeah. Drew Carey. Nonsense. Continue. No, he wrote that. With a note. I thought it was pretty cool. I thought it was a pretty cool idea, and it looked cool at first,

but now our wall is almost completely full with art. I thought it was pretty cool. I thought it was a pretty cool idea and it looked cool at first, but now our wall is almost completely, completely full with art. We aren't master artists. Each still each piece looks cool by itself, but looking at the whole wall, it just looks like crazy people scribbling and taping art to walls. My roommate thinks it's pretty dope.

Still, I've grown to dislike it this is the best i feel weird about inviting people over especially girls i'm interested in and having them see a whole wall of drug induced art i think a couple of pictures would be all right but it's come to the point where we're overlapping. It just looks tacky slash lame to me. I wish we'd take down most of them and leave only a few of the really cool ones up. Is there any way I could bring this up to my roommates without them getting mad at me? These guys have been my best friends since grade school.

Except for the fourth guy. Random. And they are still really into putting pictures up and i spent tons of time doing so so i'd feel like a jerk if i just straight up asked them to take it down signed riley kreilerson all right great job thank you god i don't want you to be anybody but that guy for the rest of your life. Dude, later on, you can get this pretty sick fatty burrito. Really?

Yeah, man. They mash the rice up so it's kind of like a chewy rice paste. And they put grilled zucchinis and onions in there. Dude, no, I'm serious. They put like nutritional yeast, like nooch all up in there Sprinkle a little diet cheese Completely vegan You're a vegan frat boy Yeah dude but I still slay puss

Isn't that meat Sick I guess I am a carnivore You gotta go budum tish Absolutely Alright Even Riley knows What an insane Small stakes high stakes problem so he's like i thought it'd be chill if you put art up and now it's like oh this art's actually not chill

let's take them all down except for the chillest ones which are probably the ones he drew i could see that being a good idea and then when like in high when it's all up you're like look at all them crazy men scribbles. There was a time when I was in high school. I had the basement. It was kind of chilly. You know what I'm saying? Chilly.

Again? My parents had me paint this room in the basement. I thought it was going to be really cool to put paint on my hands and put handprints all over the wall. Ooh. And I thought I'd be like, all right, that's kind of cool. That's kind of artsy. That's chill. Yeah.

And then I did that. And then every time I was downstairs in the basement alone there's just like handprints everywhere I felt like I was going to get killed yeah yeah it was really scary riddle me this riddle me that but it's like that only your friends did the handprints

and you wanted to paint over them I feel like I guess what I'm saying is like it's all going to be fine you're going to leave this place in so short of a time. Yeah. I also think you can bring it up, but you've got to respect democracy. If you bring up, like, dudes, are we sure we want to? I don't really love this anymore.

Isn't it not even democracy? I feel like it's got to be unanimous. Maybe, yeah. But what if he goes, I don't know if I like this anymore, and including the fourth weirdo, they're all like, what are you talking about, Riley? You have to go to every single conversation with a very open mind. Be like, hey, look.

So he could talk to his roommates with no expectation of this shit is coming down. I have a good idea. Okay, go ahead. You talk to one that's the most on the fence, and you start to tip the scales in your favor it's so unimportant you like you like get one on your side and it's like oh me me and brody were talking about it and we don't really like it anymore suddenly it's two on two one on three is a little intimidating brody and the minority yeah brody riley who are the other two

roommates oh there's brody there's r, there's Taylor, and then there's Stream. We never see that dude. Stream. Are you sure you live with him? His name's on the list. It's Stream. Have you never seen him? Yeah, man. That's what I'm saying. What are you saying?

That's exactly what I'm saying. Have you ever seen him? No. And he is your roommate, though. Does he pay rent? Yeah. Really? How does it arrive, the rent? I don't know. It's just on the kitchen table.

But his dad's a guarantor. Yeah. What's his dad's name? Corner. Corner pays for Stream's rent. You've never seen Stream, and there's a check once a month dude it's awesome it's like we have three people living in a four-person spot man sure why are you guys pissed at this you're just jelly dude suits gel we're not jelly i'm just trying to put a light

up because you could be the gel over it what the gel I took a bit of stage crap. You accidentally took it to a Hollywood thing. I was thinking theater, but whatever. Good man. The boards, the boards. Guys, Tech Week was hell. But I was outside at intermission. I know, bad, bad.

People are talking if I were you you do me we would be each other Here we are in our new home.

We are in your master bedroom. Yes, it is. The bedroom is the master because I am the master. We are switching rooms at the halfway point of the month Yeah not quite At which point

The master is speaking I relinquish the bedroom I do not relinquish the master I will always be the master Once you exit the master Which I think when this episode Comes out which will be on April 20th, I will officially, if you're listening to this right now, you're hearing the voice of one.

No. The master. You will be in the master. You will not be in the master. You're currently hearing not the master. Talk for a second. Talk for a second. No way.

I want people to hear what the master doesn't sound like. No. You don't tell me what to do. For now, you happen to be the master. I am the master. And I will always be the master i am the master and i will always be the master what if what if i'm living in the master i think that you will be you will be a little bitch and i will be the master you are you'll be in the little bitch room you're gonna switch rooms your room's gonna have i don't even want to call that an en suite that does that is an on sour

you would do that room as an on sour not an on suite it is a half sink we've got a beautiful four bedroom four bathroom home in santa monica sure i have the master you absolutely you still you usurp the master i've got a private. I've got two walk-in closets. And I've got a jacuzzi tub. And I'll have them. And by the time you're listening to this episode... And I do deserve that because I am the master. But you know, Marty's room, he's got a balcony as well.

Yeah. He's got an en suite. He has a nice en suite. He doesn't have a walk-in closet, but he's got a... He has a dual sink, en suite, stand-up shower. And then my sister, Sarah, in the third bedroom, does not have an en suite. She borderline has an en suite. She has an adjacent communal bathroom.

A communal bathroom doesn't actually apply here because it's her bathroom. Nobody else uses that bathroom. But you are allowed to use it because it is a communal bathroom. It does not have a door. It's not a private bathroom. That is a door. It's not a private bathroom. That is for certain. It is not a private bathroom. Continue.

If I take a shower, I walk out right into my bedroom. She takes a shower. She walks out into a hallway. Which she can close off. She can close off the hallway, but you still have access to it. You, your bedroom has, sure, it's a full-size bed. Oh, barely. It looks like it's built for a toddler.

Absolutely. It is a race car bed. But you've got an en-suite. don't have an en suite. You do have an en suite. Let the record show that you have an en suite. You do have an en suite and you have, and you've got a dual closet. You have a very nice closet. You also have a private balcony with its own private entrance. So I would argue that you have the third worst room, not the worst room. I, of course, have the master. I, of course, am the master. I hate for people to listen to this on April 20th and assume that you have the master. That's simply not the case. I walked into this house. At the time of recording.

You know what, dude? You walked into the house before I got here. You laid claim to the master. Because I am the master. You usurped the master. I didn't usurp the master. There was nothing here. And soon you will usurp the master.

Yeah, I don't think so. And I am the master. You know what, dude? I lived in the cabin for six months and I was the master then too. So you don't need the master. I don't need the master to be the master then, too. So you don't need the master. I don't need the master to be the master, but it does feel right when I occupy the master. Hey, you're listening to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm the master.

And I'm the master. There can't be two. Right in. I'm 21 years old and I'm from Hawaii. So I've been with my BF for four years. He's perfect. Sex is amazing. Here's the issue. He's quite older than me.

Even older than Amir. Imagine that. imagine that is anybody here older than me and anybody here older than 32 shit what the fuck did i say i was 32 i'm 19 at 32 people get shit done you can be a doctor at my age you could have won yeah many many super bowls sure french open championship i'm sure joe wilfried sanga has achieved more in his life than i ever will because he's never won a championship whatever here's the issue one joe wilfried why are you picking on Sanga? Dude's a fucking pimp.

You know it. He's quite older than me. Even older than Amir. Whatever that means. I'm sure that he was born before 1982. Whatever that means. 83, bro. Sorry.

And we're out of time. Thank you guys so much. Here's the issue. He's quite older than me, and that along with him being cheated on in every relationship, he's really paranoid, which I try to keep in mind. A few months ago,

my boyfriend saw dirt in the bathtub and thought it was cum. But the day he saw it, we didn't have sex. He still brings it up to me today, and we almost broke up because he said he couldn't trust me.

What should I do? He said it's impossible to trust me and that I'm getting really sick of his paranoid bullshit, but I don't want to be the one to break up with him. Help, love. I guess Trump Tower. So, she should break up with him, right?

I don't know why she blames the age thing. If anything, you get less jealous with age. Like, jealousy seems to be a young man's thing. It sort of feels like this old school archaic thing. One woman for every one man. Yeah. That shouldn't be necessarily how we do it. Oh, you're just talking about monogamy in general.

I'm talking about polyamory in general. That aside, why did he see dirt and think it was cum? I think she's dating an idiot. He's old but not smart. What is this brown film? And why is it in the tub?

You're jizzing someone off. I know it. How can I try? There's jizz on your shoe. I was on a hike earlier. On Jizz Mountain? With all the brown powder jizz sorry baby there's um there's all these dishes in the sink and they're covered in jizz who are you fucking in our kitchen why does your boyfriend come mud? It doesn't add up. He's jizzing chocolate milk.

I don't know what he's thinking. He doesn't trust you. Which means his cum's more tastier than mine, so I'm very jealous. There's, I mean, if somebody's like, it's impossible for me to trust you, I feel like the coolest thing you could say is like, shit, I don't want to be in a relationship without trust. See you later.

And he's like, wait, I think I can to be in a relationship without trust. See you later. And he's like, wait, I think I can do it if you convince me it wasn't cum. What color is cum? Just blind guy holding a dog. He sniffed it. Didn't you, boy? It's actually a radish. He's holding a radish.

What a mean prank to play on a blind man. Guy's just licking the bottom of her shower. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's semen. That is absolutely semen. Justin Gonzales. Yeah. Toda.

Toda. I'll take you to my podcast app And listen to an hour of you Go ahead and play it, boo So we can hear them too Whoa! You can watch it all day How many minutes? You gonna turn that shit up or make me spill my cup?

Audience rising Okay, let's go to a live show. Gotta hear Jake's talk, though. Already no hope. I see a smoke show. I got damn time. I just wanna take her out and have a good time. Gotta text Jake.com.

If I were you, it's the motherfucking bomb. Josh in a mirror. Oh, fuck, I mean Jake in a mirror. Paid $300. Got a billboard. Getting emails. No callers. They're just a bunch of ballers.

They're the best thing yet. Call them the best. They can make your girl wet. Oh, wait, mom. Mom, stop listening. Stop listening, mommy. Mommy, love you, mommy. Things actually got real.

Take you to my podcast app. And listen to it if I were you. Keep playing and never stop. Keep going till you seize the cheese. Whoa! Can't you imagine like Matt Damon when he eats a wrap, it doesn't spill at all? Yeah, I wonder what, like, Google what

does Matt Damon eat for lunch? Yeah, when you see Matt Damon eating a burrito, I don't see it getting everywhere. Cause he probably doesn't overfill it. Uh, no, I think he just has a great bite and a lot of patience. Wait, what am i googling what does matt damon eat for lunch he just i don't know there's a lot of twitter campaign we got our show we got our pilot shot i want to know what matt damon eats for lunch is that crazy

hashtag what does damon eat for lunch what uh it doesn't actually we should have matt mr damon i just want to see you eat a sandwich but there's lots of stuff that i'm like Hashtag what does Damon eat for lunch? Actually, we should have Matt in it. Mr. Damon, I just want to see you eat a sandwich. But there's lots of stuff that I'm like, I'm carrying three bags and it's spilling over, or I have a bad umbrella. Matt Damon wouldn't have this third bag. Right. Matt Damon is never trying to grab something

out of the back of his car and he can't reach for it. Right. Do you think Matt Damon out of the back of his car and he like he can't reach for it right do you think matt damon's ever like gotten out of his car then realized he forgot his cell phone in the car then went back in to get the cell phone and then shut the door and realized oh fuck my keys in there no matt damon wouldn't do that yeah he's got it so together do you think matt damon's ever like dropped a chapstick below the seat like in between the seat and the door and he like can't reach for it so So he has to open the back seat. But he's standing in traffic and his doors open and cars are honking at him. And he also like has to pee really, really bad while this is all happening.

And he like squirts just a little bit into his pants. So now it's like he's got like just wet pants for the rest of the day. That wouldn't happen. That wouldn't happen to Matt Damon. Or like how do you think Matt Damon, like when sometimes I travel and I have a roller, but also a suit and also a bag filled with food for the plane. Right.

So I'm like holding the suit, I'm holding the carry on. And then like the plastic bag is starting to rip and I look like I don't have my shit together. Right. What would Matt Damon do? What does he do to make that not happen? Does he not have food on the plane maybe he doesn't have to carry food on he probably rides first class so he's like

oh they'll they'll give me a meal so he doesn't have to carry a plastic bag that's really thin with sabra hummus and pretzel chips uh fruit salad and a bottle of water yeah that's true that's true what else does matt damon not do what else do you do in life that you're like else does Matt Damon not do? What else do you do in life that you're like, how does Matt Damon do? Oh, when I brush my teeth, there's lots of toothpaste that drips out of my mouth, so I have to do it over the sink, kind of going in line with the food thing. It sounds like you're not very good at keeping your mouth shut. That's what it is. Does Matt Damon sleep with his mouth open?

Does Matt Damon snore matt damon's the kind of guy that brushes his teeth with a regular toothbrush then he just spits into the sink and he's done yeah like i have to wash out i have to rinse matt damon could be like walking around in his kitchen getting a pot of coffee yeah he's brushing his teeth yeah quick into the bathroom yeah. Yeah, and then it's all like spit once and all of the toothpaste is out. I have to rinse more than once. Yeah, exactly. So what is Damon? What's Damon hiding?

How does he do it? He's a Scientologist. And that's what we're trying to tell you. And that's the point of this show. We're trying to tell you guys you can also attain this level of damon you have to pay us money uh we should start our own religion called damonism damonism uh like oh satan worshipers they they pray to demons well we pray to damon uh-huh so ww matt damon do yeah and then like we would try to just, or how do Matt, how does Matt Damon do?

How does Matt Damon do? I bet Matt Damon has a watch. You think he has a watch? Yeah. I don't think he's ever like fumbling for his phone to check the time. Do you think his phone is ever like 2% and he has to ask a friend like, or ask a restaurant like, Hey,

can you charge my phone? Yeah. Never, never. I bet he never has those dips below 60%. Yeah. I bet he never has those dips below 60 yeah i bet he for sure if i were you It's a podcast show

For you To seize the cheese On your tiny little knees My tiny knees Yeah I think my theory is at the end of a date, you'll don't take anything for what it seems like at the end of a date,

it's slightly uncomfortable. You don't know what's going to happen. People just say things like, Oh yeah, we should do this again. Oh, I'll text you. Okay.

Yeah. When I'm on the phone with like airline representatives, I say, talk to you soon. Like, that's not true. Right. Like, all right, I, talk to you soon. Yeah. I'm like, that's not true. Right. Like, all right, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah. No, you won't. So don't actually hold anyone accountable to anything said on the last- You said you'd text me. The last five minutes of a date is just a free-for-all. You just say shit. Yeah, that's true.

All right, see you later, bye. Maybe we should do this again. The thing to latch onto is we should do this again. That at least means let's communicate more. No, but I could say, let's do this again, and a girl can just feel like you don't want to say uh i'm okay at the end of the day so they'll be like yeah we totally should that's true it's all lies no last five minutes of a date are lies i the first hour of the date is also lies oh shit not to mention all the flirtations lead up. That's lies in the first three months. There's eight seconds in the middle of a first date that's pure truth,

and everything to the left and right of it is a lie. So you've got to really excavate it. You have to laser in. Yeah, you have to dig deep and find out what the truth is. That's something I've noticed recently, the lies at the end of a date. Right, because everyone wants to be polite. Yeah, you're not going to say, then and there, you can't be like...

We should do this again. Actually, I had fun, but I don't see this going past a third date. So, I mean, I'm going to cut it off here. Yeah. I'll dodge your next two texts and we will never see each other again. But namaste.

It was fun to have a drink just kidding it wasn't that fun I wish I didn't drink because I don't feel like being hungover tomorrow this was not worth it take care actually or don't I don't care the thing is I'm really starting to second guess dating in general I just feel like I've been on a lot of these

things and they're all just fine anyway don't want to go off on too much of a tangent So excited to get into my car and fart Scott Bach Shout out Jake and Amir them in. know what J and A make of it. Hit them up with the Gmail. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. We need a guy's name for this first email.

Real emails from real people. Going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Um, Saul. Saul writes, Hi guys, I'm from Australia and about a week ago I was invited to a school formal by a pretty girl. Without knowing what a formal even is, I said yes. By the time I looked it up, I was sadly too late. I've already paid the 250 and was registered then she invited me to a party sleepover being too shy and nervous i said

yes again little did i know it was with her 12 hot friends and their hot dates and later after some more investigating i found out you have to buy a girl a corsage. What the fuck is a corsage? And then after some more investigating, I found out a lot of alcohol is going to be present at the after party. I haven't been near a girl since I was 13, let alone going to a formal in a fucking limousine and staying in a house full of half-naked drunk girls. Here are my questions. How do I get past this situation?'s a corsage how do i slow dance should i bring a toothbrush or is that uncool thanks guys p.s they're from a different school and a year older than me what's the problem the problem is this guy does his investigating a

little too late in the game always. He's just saying yes to shit. And then he's like, I actually investigated and a formal is a dance. And then I investigated more. I think he's doing some unnecessary... Like, he should have just learned this. There's no reason that you should investigate what a formal is. I don't even think you should investigate what a corsage is.

Yeah, well, it's not really... Also, like, if he investigated to the point that i need a corsage that's when he stopped the investigation and just asked us he still doesn't know i think he's kind of a lazy investigator he's a lazy eye um should we should we try to answer these questions one by one? I just want to lambast him a little bit more. All right. You're upset because the girls are going to be hot? Yeah. That's a problem?

How do I get past this? Yeah. By the way, he spelled, how do I get P-A-S-S this situation? How do I get past this? So let's make fun of his grammar a little bit. He mentioned they were half naked. Why? For what reason?

At what point in his investigation did he find out that they would just be half naked i think when he was just uh daydreaming about this party i think one of those problems is this this situation has gotten the best of him it's definitely gotten away from him he's in his head yeah and in his head is 12 half-naked girls. He's investigating, is abruptly stopped, and is imagining he's taken over. What is half-naked, by the way? Is a bikini more than half-naked? Or is that half-naked?

Or do you have to be topless for it to be half-naked? I feel like when I imagine half-naked, it's like... Topless. I don't know. The first thing I thought of was a girl in a t-shirt or tank top, no bra and underwear. Oh. So like pants off, underwear, tank top, no bra. Like the sexiest pajamas you can imagine.

Oh, so you're still not seeing boobies or vajay. No. It's all left to the imagination. So isn't that entire... Oh, so it's not... Oh, okay. Because I was thinking like... It's not entirely closed.

If you had a wife and she was parading around in tank top and underwear, no bra, with a bunch of dudes, I think you would say you're half naked. This is what I was thinking about, half naked. Starting from the bottom up. Now we're here. Yeah. Ugg boots, skinny jeans, and that's it. So you're thinking like the literal version. Yeah, the halfway point.

Half of the clothes. The hemisphere of her body. The top half is completely nude. I think when you say half naked, it means scantily clad like close to being fully nude yeah so it's like things removed from the top and things removed from the bottom yeah but you're not actually like no part of you is nude like in your scenario the chest is nude yeah so you would have half naked you would say fully nude from the waist up that's half naked to me but that's what my definition of the sexiest

a girl can be ugly boots yeah pants no nothing about the hottest a girl could be is wearing pants and that's right pants and boots half naked is almost sexier than naked yeah but i would rather have bottomless than topless oh really for sure so you'd rather have turtleneck spaceman helmet and then everything below the waist is just open for biz honestly i was so turned on just by thinking about a girl in no pants and a turtleneck but i like almost missed the space helmet joke i think that's maybe like the hottest a girl could look is wearing a hoodie and nothing else. Really? Yeah. Not even underwear.

Yeah, no. Oh, interesting. For whatever reason, when I think of what the sexiest is, I think of pants and no top. It's because you're a boob man, I'm an ass man. I'm an oil man, but I'm also a boob man. This is my son. Yeah. All right.

So moving on from that um a corsage is a flower that you pin onto your date they come from different worlds. Amir is good at math and Jake loves texting girls. It may sound crazy, but you should try shooting them an email when you need some good advice. They will tell you

what to do. So listen to it, if I were you. So listen to it, you So listen to it power you I've never, ever, ever not met a parent who loved the shit out of me. First meeting. That's because you're playing it as cool as possible.

You're acting the best possible way. Right, right're not just like if you make one slip up one mistake oh i'm not saying yeah it's definitely it's not it's not like i'm not trying and it all works yeah i'm trying really hard but i also don't get nervous because i know that i'm good at it well yeah i think that i you it's like you just have to it's like you just have to behave well like i guess you're... Maybe it's hard to fucking wow them. Yeah. But I think if it was...

I don't have a girlfriend right now, but I think if I was meeting my girlfriend's parents, I would try and... I wouldn't swing for the fences. I wouldn't try and be buddy-buddy with the dad because that's when you mess up. That's weird. But I think I'm very good at being completely neutral.

I'm gray. The trick is not trying to relate to mom and dad and be like, hey, I'm a golden boy. Let me do the dishes. Let me help with the cooking. Hey, dad. Do you do that? That is what you should do? No, no.

I don't do any of that. I specifically do not help. I don't have to clean. I'd be like, I don't have to clean. Yeah, yeah. If it comes natural. But I also think it's like I don't have to clean yeah yeah if it comes if it comes natural but I also think it's like you don't want to showboat

you don't want to like get up and start clearing the dishes or whatever it's the same muscle as getting anyone to like you I think whether it's like

but I think with parents they're less impressed by you like trying to impress them and like what they secretly want is for you to be very respectful

of their daughter so you find little ways to insert that like tell a story and, you know, celebrate their kid. That's what it is. It's like, oh, this person likes my daughter or son as much as I do.

So I like them because they like that. Like your daughter is amazing in bed. Like, and you should really be proud of that. Like she can deep throat my cock. And I'm serious. But I'm doing the dishes, so it doesn't matter can i this chicken was lacking it really was did you not know i was coming over you must not have known i was coming

over i'm gonna give you constructive criticism constructive so it's a win-win because it tasted like construction paper i mean my god what did you season this with what's more nerve-wracking for you meeting your significant other's parents or them meeting your parents i would probably actually be more nervous for them to be my parents who i love my parents but homo i love my dad my dad's hilarious he's so funny he's the best guy in the world and I love him with all my heart and soul. No, I just, I don't know. I'm just, I'm kind of a personal guy, so it's just like letting someone in, man. Yeah. I'm really emo and moody right now.

That's cool. You are suddenly wearing black eyeliner. Yeah. What about you? What makes you a little more nerve-wracking? You have not, your parents are the nicest parents in the world. Well, your mom is for sure. You have nothing to be nervous about about my mom's the fucking uh she's the king and the queen yeah my dad's a court jester he's a pumpkin my mom is the royal court and my dad is a pumpkin that

sits on her table he really is a pumpkin he is small orange and he wears a small enough out of you about my fucking old man your dad's your dad's a crook and a cheat i'm just yeah he is he's a gynecologist that means he fingers other chicks all day all day he does that hey guys come on we should really we should really just move on with the podcast all right by the we finish, Jake's dad will be riding on someone's stoop like a pumpkin. That's enough. Is his name Jack? His name really is Jack O'Lantern. It's actually Sam, you fucking asshole.

I want to put a candle in his mouth and just watch it glow through his eyes. That's enough. He's a gourd. He's a goddamn gourd. He's a fucking squash. Your dad's a squash. He really is a butternut squash. I'm only getting this offense because he's actually a fucking squash. Your dad's a squash. He really is a butternut squash. I'm only getting this offense because he's actually a gourd.

I've got a problem in my life. A sticky situation, moral quandary, dilemma, dire straits or strife. But if I can't decide on what to do I type on up an email and address it to If I were you They'll make my path a bit less hazy My vision was blurry But now it is clear

My world tops me turvy But now there's no fear. All hope is restored, all thanks to Jake and Amir. My car was in park, but now it's in gear. I was far from the mark, but they brought me here. The planet is safe, thanks to Jake and Amir. It's Jake and Amir. I just realized something.

Today is June 1st. If a miracle happens, Oh my God. today will in fact be the day. I know where you're going. I don't even want to... Dare we say? I can't. I don't want to jinx it by saying it.

But we could be moving into, obviously calling it a dream home would be underselling it. So that's at least me leading you to the doorstep of what we're talking about. A dream home. It is the lost city of Atlantis. It is not a dream home. I did feel bad even calling it that.

We recently saw a house that we ideally like to move into. It is, it is, what's above utopia? Valhalla. Valhalla. Shangri-La. The Garden of Eden. It is a home. It is a beacon.

It is a light. It is an energy source on Raven Nest. It is a house we cannot afford, but it is the one we deserve to be in. It's the house we deserve, but not the house we can afford right now. Absolutely. We ran out of options in our price range, so what we did was double what we can afford, and what we saw was a home. Actually, borderline triple.

Borderline triple what we can afford. We tripled our initial budget that's right without tripling our income so we just said we are willing to spend what we're not just to get in the door we convinced ourselves in order to walk through these pearly pearly gates at raven nest and what we saw dumbfounded us we were awestruck we were dumbfounded we. We were awestruck. We were dumbfounded. We were confounded. We were struck founded. It is unfounded, unprecedented.

I can't imagine a world where we don't live in Raven Nest. I can't imagine a world where we do. To live and to die in Raven Nest. Would be more than an honor. To die a thousand deaths for one night in Ravennest. My goal in life is to find a woman who will

bear me a child who will die in Ravennest. A child to die in. What a proud moment it would be for me to lose an infant. To lose my kid. To my king. For me to feel that sense of shame and sorrow in Ravennest. I will be a jester in the palace that is Ravennest.

I will proudly serve the king as a humble, humble jester, as a servant. I will be a prisoner that is bound to be beheaded. Absolutely. It would be an honor to find a genie so that I may grant you the other two wishes, for I have but one. It is to die in Raven Nest. For me to live there for an eternity as a dead soul would be greater than spending... To be reincarnated as a blade of grass on the lawn of New Zion, of New Jerusalem. That is Raven's Nest. For me to be a patch of grass that a pig would spend eternity shitting on,

as long as it be in Raven Nest, for it to be in Raven Nest would be such an honor. May I ask you a question? You already have. And I have already answered. Do you dream of Raven Nest? Of course not. It wouldn't fit. Not a house to dream of. I don already answered. Do you dream of Raven Nest? Of course not. It wouldn't fit in the house to dream of.

I don't sleep. I stay awake longing for Raven Nest. I lust after her. Dreaming implies that I'm at a state in my life where I can be restful outside of Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To you. To me. So that we may find the cash. outside of Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To Raven Nest, to you, to me,

so that we may find the cash. Raise a glass, but do not let the wine touch your lips because the wine of Raven Nest is too sweet to bear. But I bear my soul to Raven Nest and all I am to be to that that I am for her, for it, for I, for him to go, to me, it may never be enough. But I will have no less than Raven Nest I will be homeless before I am denied that house Which I will be

For we offered 50% asking This is our cover letter Anyway, we're two comedy writers To pay rent in Raven Nest is a travesty, a tragedy That I won't allow to happen to me. I can't afford it to happen to me. We took the asking price and we said no chance. To assign a price to Raven Nest is more than a slap in the face.

We slapped the owner across the face. We said your house is worth tenfold what this is, so we'll offer you half. Because you don't deserve half. You don't deserve to own Raven Nest. Only we are the rightful heirs. Excalibur, the sword and the stone, that is the home that I must own. Can somebody own Mount Everest? Can somebody own Vesuvius?

Can you own the ocean? Can you own the sky? Can you own the sky? Mount Olympus, the kingdom of the gods. Kingdom come. My kingdom come. It actually will make me come. The river Styx. Do you...

Imagine living a night in Ravennest where you are not plagued by wet, wet dreams. To surf out on a wave of cum as we move out of Ravennest one day. Years and years of nocturnal emissions. Overpowering the home, the en-suites. It is a four bedroom, it is a five bathroom. There is a pool. There are four en-suites and a powder room. It is open concept.

There is a pool, there is a two car garage, there is a gate. For I may sleep on that gate. And I don't mean to lay my rest my head beside the gate. For I may sleep on that gate. And I don't mean to lay my rest my head beside the gate. I do want to firmly slide my body along the spine of the top of the gate. The gate is fully furnished.

The gate is a four bedroom studio apartment. The gate has an en suite. And every house that I've seen since Raven Nest is a toilet. It is absolutely not a home. I can't imagine living anywhere but. And at the same time, we can't, I can't stress this enough, we can't afford to live there. I'm beef too

I'm happy dealt coinad From everyone who loves you Jews We're proud of you Oh, we're proud of you So you better not fuck it up That's it. Those were our favorite bits. I'm sure we missed a lot of your favorites. We can only put so much into these episodes. Once again, thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting. If you want to do something a little extra, something a little bit helpful would be to subscribe to our show on iTunes. It helps our ranking, which helps other people discover the show. And then if you can leave a review on iTunes, that also helps the ranking, which also helps people discover the show. As always, as always, checking out new sponsors like Headspace makes us look really good and really sellable to advertisers in the future. So that URL, one more time,

was headspace.com slash if I were you for that meditation app. Either way, if you're listening, you've done more than enough. You owe us nothing more. And and honestly i don't even want to come back at the end but jake is so like he's twisting my arm he's trying he's like listen i'm in florida but you gotta you gotta move these units you gotta make you gotta make a ripple and like you gotta make a splash and i was like all right dude i'll do what i can like no promises dude, but I'll see what I can do. Oh, shit. I promised myself I wouldn't cut or edit or stop recording if a certain bit or joke or anything fell flat or meandered, so here I am still talking, unsure about if I should even keep this,

unsure if I will keep this. And if you're listening to this, then the answer was yes, I did keep it. So I guess I did. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. Finally, I'm going to stop talking starting now.

Sorry, I can't stop starting now. I'm going to stop. I'm going to start talking stopping now. Now, that can't stop starting now. I'm going to do stop. I'm going to start talking, stopping now. No, that doesn't make sense either. I'm so tired, you guys. I'm not really that tired. It's fine. Holy shit, I have to go.

I really do have to go. Let's hear Rose say that this was a HeadGum podcast. That was a HeadGum podcast.