Segments - 192: Surge Dude

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

In this episode we discuss flirting, the future, and 360 degree cameras. This episode is brought to you by Headspace, ClubW, and CreditKarma! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Just helping out the youth. And everyone here. Starting to cheer. Yeah. Amir. Amir's the man of the hour. No guessing what's next with his comedy power. Put them both together. Get the best show ever. Jokes that go too far.

But we don't really care. Because there's laughter all up in the air. This is if I were you. All gotta say left is this yo dude you yeah nice that was justin gonzalves was it he's back dude i like that he said jokes that go too far but we don't care it sounds like he does care a little bit some of their jokes are a little bit too much but i don't care no big deal just i wouldn't i wish they wouldn't joke about it they do touch on some pretty racy shit and i wish they wouldn't gonzalez gonzalez gonzalez at least i hope it is yeah yeah i remember he's like it sort of sounded like gonzalez when whatever yeah uh so

thanks justin uh appreciate that might be your fifth sixth seventh theme song i don't know they're all good because they're all rap they're all hip-hop and they're all true they he said that jake was like drake and i was the funnier one and it was all like a fun part he said you were like drake didn't he he said i was like yeah yeah And I was the funnier. Well, he's like, here comes Amir. He's the life of the party. He didn't say that. He was like. He actually had like two lines about you and like a whole entire verse about me.

What did he say about me? He said that you, nobody guessed what was next with your comedy power. That's insane. I love that. It was a positive thing. You're stretching it. It was like. And now.

Here comes Amir. He's the life of the party. I love that. It was a positive thing. You're stretching. It was like, and now I feel like, here comes Amir. He's the life of the party. Why don't you get too smart? And he's too smarty. He was like, he's too smart and funny. Here I'm smart with smarty.

I think so. Nice. Happy New Year, everybody. We had a, this is our first episode that we're recording after January 1st. Yeah. It's cool that the future is here. Yeah. It's cool that the future is here.

Yeah. It's nice that the future is now. 2016. And guess what's a little bit futuristic about this episode? You don't mind me saying it. I am on a hoverboard. You have broken your neck. We are recording this on a 360 camera.

That's right. We want to see what's what. Our buddy Justin and... A little freaky. How do you look into the camera? Like when I do this, am I looking at the camera? Or are I looking at the camera all the time because the camera's everywhere? Imagine the camera is God and he is omnipresent.

Yeah. It's just a... It looks like a stick of gum on a cup. I can't even do shit with my feet because like someone could just pan down and sit down and see my feet yeah well there's still a table in the way i can't it's not an extra 3d extra i'm nervous tapping a lot wow yeah your feet are awful oh you're coming uh so hopefully if everything goes well we'll be able to put some 360 degree camera clips uh of this episode on our oh just clips we're not gonna put the whole thing there or we could put the whole thing listen it's it's the future it's we don't know yet uh

this whole thing might not even work right yeah i can imagine a world where we say cut and then it's like oh actually it didn't work that's true but that's what this is right now we're talking about it's experimenting it's experimenting yeah it's experimenting and ex-experimenting uh how was your entire break like from december to january wow it's been it's been a long time huh do you have like do you have do you have like actual official new year's resolutions um i had yeah i do have an official oh really resolution oh my god yeah it's an official one official i think oh really official yeah this is like for real this is for real and you you think about it it's an actual yeah and you wrote it down i didn't write it down oh so of course it's not official write

it down you have to write it down i committed it to memory uh it's too fuck what was it my new year's resolution what was the one thing i decided i was gonna do this oh yeah it was to write more shit down i should you know i've been thinking abstractly about this has nothing to do with new year's i'm just thinking about getting a calendar app for my phone you definitely have one already yeah you have the native app of course of course like if there was a calendar app that i like looked i if i liked looking at it oh you don't like the one that's in there there's nothing exciting about it that's because you have nothing going on i had four little things in my calendar today including this little debacle the camera's on fire it is just on fire uh my new year's resolution is to make uh 2016 the last year that my heel hurts. Oh, that's not a resolution.

That's just a hope. No, but there's like actual steps I could do to take. Yeah, but you've been doing that anyway. No, not as much as I could. You've been going to doctors. You've been trying certain like crackpot ideas, some like normal ideas. You've been getting pads.

You've been getting iced. You've been getting shots. Yeah. What is going to be different? I could get the surgery that I've been avoiding. Oh, there's a surgery that'll fix your heel? Not necessarily, but there is a surgery that the doctor says he could open up my heel,

see what's what. Wow. But then I wouldn't be able to walk for six weeks. Wow. And I don't want to do that. So maybe this is... If we get to the last six weeks of the year and it still hurts, then I'll do the surgery.

November 15th. Yeah. What's the, just the Cliff's Notes, the abridged version of what's wrong with your heel? So a couple of years ago... Basically when we started this podcast is how long your heel has been hurting. Yeah, that's true, right? It was the day of. Now that I think about it...

You stubbed your toe. If I just stopped doing the podcast, I broke my heel when I was rock climbing. Yeah. And I didn't know that I broke it. So I walked on the heel for six months. Okay. In constant pain. Constant.

Yeah. And you felt invincible. You were like 27. You're like, I'll just walk and it'll fix itself. Oh, it's a bad bone bruise. It'll be fine. A month went by. It wasn't fine fine but it was like feeling slightly better so it just felt slightly better for six months but then it was like getting warm out and i couldn't run and i was very sad

about it so i went to the doctor and they gave me an mri and they told me it was indeed broken yeah your bone so yeah fortunately for me i had to be on to be on crutches and a little wheelie scooter for six weeks in the middle of the summer during our trip to London and Iceland. Yeah, that's how long ago this was. This was like 2013. Yeah. You rode on a scooter for six weeks. And then I got off the scooter. My foot didn't hurt very much. But then basically, it's been slowly deteriorating back to the point where it feels like it did before I got on the scooter. Bone is fixed, but muscles still hurt. Well, I mean the bone, whatever it is, it hurts. My heel hurts. I don't think there's muscle down there. It's like a

fatty pad or something that it's all, it's all a rye. But according to x-rays and MRI, everything looks normal. Last MRI I got was less than a year ago and the doctor said it looked like I had never broken my heel. Everything is fine. Except that it hurts. You'd think medicine would figure that out by now. It's true. I do all this stuff. I wear really padded

shoes, which I don't love doing because I really miss wearing Converse. Yeah, like minimalist, lightweight, fly knit. I like that stuff. And now I'm wearing the fly knit Lunars. Of course. Lunar Zoom 3.

Yeah. It's a pretty substantial padded shoe. Yeah. Though as minimalist as I could be. They look like ski boots. So you'll wear full ski boots around the house. Yeah, I wear two walking caps at all times. In the shower, at home,

in bed. But your goal for 2016 is to just not feel pain anymore. No more pain in the heel. So, 2017, I start running again. Wow. That's my goal. Right. I guess that's a good resolution. Yeah. I think also a resolution could be a hope, couldn't it? I'm resolute that this will happen. Yeah. I'm at the very least hopeful that it will. Yeah. Uh,

that's pretty much everything that I had. Do you have one? I have an interesting one. Oh, nice. Let's get started. All right. So this show,

uh, are you ready for it? Yeah. It's going to be really interesting. Okay. You're going to be like, Oh, that's interesting. Nice. Yeah. Actually to be like, oh, that's interesting.

Nice. Yeah. Actually, say that now. Oh, that's interesting. All right. Ready? Yeah. I want to watch more TV.

That is interesting. That's right. Most people's resolution would be to watch less TV. I don't watch any television. Well, I should clarify. I only watch NBA basketball. Right. So, name a comedy that came out in the last 10 years.

Oh, You're the Worst. People were talking about it today. Never seen it. Okay. Yeah. Transparent. Never seen it. Wow.

Yeah. Okay. Fargo? Nothing. Cool. Make it a murderer. Yeah. Not seen it.

Interesting. All right. Yeah. That's cool. I haven't seen any show. You know what's... Actually, I think that might be a popular resolution this year. Is to watch more TV?

Yeah, I think it's becoming a more popular resolution because TV isn't like this mindless activity anymore. Yeah. TV is sort of like high culture. It's almost like, it's like liking films now. Yeah. Move over reading. There's a new resolution in town.

I, yeah. And these books over here, you guys can maybe see on the 360. You can pan yourself. That's the beauty of a 360 video. You can choose which angle you want to watch. These books are trembling in fear because I am so close to burning them. They're all about to be a Kindle. They're going to be burning Kindles.

Kindling. Yeah. I don't think so. You're talking about an Amazon Kindle? As soon as I like one episode of fucking Kimmymidt i this whole fucking bookshelf is going to flame now right no of course not you already could read the book that you could burn you honestly the resolution is to watch less basketball yeah and to burn more books i met somebody else one of a friend of my parents uh who was gonna watch more tv yeah that's a solid resolution what are

you gonna start with uh that's a good resolution. What are you going to start with? That's a good question. Maybe I'll finish The Wire. Cool. Should I start there or should I start current and go back? I think you should, to be honest with you,

The Wire is great. It's one of the best shows of all time. One of my favorite shows. But I feel like it's almost like, it's almost like reading. You can't just like

go back to a book that you didn't finish and expect that to jumpstart. Yeah. You have to find a new TV show. Master of None. Cool. Master of None, then.

Yeah, I like it. Yeah. Sure. So. Cool. Deal. Right now. What?

What about... Dude. All right, let's... Podcast. What is this? It is a podcast, an advice podcast the only uh podcast on the internet hosted by us i should say that i'm amir blumenfeld and i'm jacob pen cooper herwitz isn't it good that we don't have or maybe we do but we don't have voices that sound too much alike

yeah they're pretty different it helps yeah uh i'm glad you brought that up blumenfeld that was actually going to be my other resolution as to i've been testing out just like new voices speaking differently yeah what do you got well what do you want me to say say uh uh welcome to if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet welcome to if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet host bios I love it. Really? You do? You're so hot right now. Yeah. I can also do like my Surge voice. Like, hey, dude. Surge, man.

Yo, dude. That's a funny bit that we've been doing for months that we've never done on the podcast. Hey, Surge, man. Give me a banana, man. Surge, dude. Surge listens to the podcast yeah we should we're not making fun of surge we're making fun of a guy who's friends with a guy named surge and he's sort of like very i don't even know what the joke is he's very cool but he's talking about

i don't know he made a friend named surge yeah and he's like kind of cool and chill but he wants a lot of favors from surge and most of them are food related. Also like what a six year old would ask for. Hey Serge man make me a crepe dude. You have any raisin Serge? Serge dude make me like a PB&J and cut the crust man. I'm serious dude.

I'm scared of the boogeyman Serge. Dude I'm like when I go to bed I'm like afraid of shit. Serge man I heard a fucking noise dude what was that dude like a creaking dude don't even say it's like the house settling man i'm fucking scared i heard a house sell before surgeon that shit was like real i really am afraid of the boogeyman dude oh serge man i texted you on the other day i was like um serge man let's play fucking peekaboo man

when you when you cover my eyes you disappear dude dude don't scare me like that where would you go dude there you are dude serge man you're scaring me man can we have a secret handshake man i see you peekaboo whoa don't cover where'd you go serge oh there you are that amused me serge there's like a hair on my microphone sir no there really is yes sir dude you're watching on the 360 camera you can look at a mirror yeah with the microphone that's so classic yeah and that's the kind of shit that you can't get without a 360 microphone we should do everything with the 360 i actually 360 cameras freak me the fuck out there's like there's parts of my body that i don't want to be on camera right

now yeah like i don't know if i'm sitting upright i've trained myself to be like from from the chest up just like locked off you know yeah like this is but like down below i'm like i don't know what the fuck's going on yeah here serge dude i made you a lanyard man everyone did it at camp dude serge dude do you know how to do cat's cradle man let's play with this string dude you're also a cat serge dude i took a shit in your kitty litter man little little brown pellets dude you don't have to clean up after dude i'm afraid of water man dude you gotta give me like a dust bath, man. I'm a fucking chinchilla, dude.

Dude, I'm a fucking chinchilla, I swear, dude. I'm like, give me a baby carrot in a dust bath, dude. I'm a fucking hedgehog, man. Oh, man, you saw me almost spitting the water out and you wanted to make it happen, didn't you? Surge, dude. All right, can we answer this first question yeah uh uh uh uh uh uh uh all right uh let's get a guy's name should we use surge surge surge dude hey guys i'm a 23 year old dude from wales and i recently broke up with my girlfriend of

three and a half years so single life is weird as hell at the moment so the other night i got a little drunk and a friend of mine told me to go flirt with a girl side note i'm shit at flirting i get really anxious when i talk to new people especially of the female persuasion so to combat this anxiety i tried to think of the funniest thing in my head. This isn't necessarily going to be a good thing, as most of the time it's mean, but it's still funny. I start talking to her, and I find out that she has an accent. Turns out she's from Ireland, but has a Canadian accent after staying there for a year. Now, I find it really annoying when people pick up accents quickly, so to poke fun, I just blurted out, stop putting on an accent, you silly imposter.

Other stuff came out, but it's all a blur. She got mad. She was almost crying and like, she was almost crying all like, I've had this my whole life or some shit. It got worse and worse. I had to profusely apologize as her and her friends were ready to put me under. In the end, my aforementioned friend dragged me by the ankles to safety obviously it's not the funniest thing in the world but i was just

having fun to see if she could take a joke does this make me a bad person or just a reverse romeo tips on flirting would be great right now as i'm swimming with the sharks toda boys you're great lots of love surge surge yo surge man yo surge man um this is i don't like when people say i just wanted to see if you could take a joke yeah because that's not a joke he's just i can take i know yeah i know how to everyone like what do you mean take a joke i think a first tip of comedy is that don't make, I mean, it's easy to say don't make fun of someone's accent, but try not to bring up an accent. Because to them, if they're living abroad, they hear that all the time. And you don't want to say something that anybody's heard all the time. That's like another tip.

It's the easiest thing to do to comment on somebody's like glasses, accent, height. It's like something that's like like, a little different about them. You're like, I picked this up. I don't like me now. Like, you're not original. Yeah, that's the worst part of... The worst thing that you could do as a comedian is to say something that's obvious or that you've seen or heard before. Also, though, like, poking fun at somebody is not a great way to get them to like you.

That's like the negging thing. Yeah, which I don't actually believe in. If you're just nice and funny, there's a difference between being funny and being mean. And, like, somebody, if they have a really good sense of humor, can, like, laugh at themselves. But, you know, not everybody does. And it's sort of like a dumb risk to take at a bar. Like, oh, I'm going to be rude to this person and see if they like it it's like the fifth grade mentality of pulling somebody's hair yeah i think if you're just friendly and nice people

like that uh so does this make me a bad person or just a reverse romeo neither what's a reverse romeo someone who's bad at romance yeah someone who's not slick someone who's not smooth i guess sort of a reverse Romeo. But Romeo wasn't slick or smooth either, was he? He just fell in love with the wrong woman. Juliet? Capulet. All right.

It's not a bad person. If you're a bad person, you wouldn't care. You wouldn't give a shit that you were being mean. He did apologize profusely. To her and her friends. How bad did it get that the rest of it's a blur? He had to be calling her racial slurs from Canada. It's funny to think about what a Canadian accent is.

Oh, you silly imposter. Just like an actual shot of what happened at the bar is like him screaming at the top of his lungs. You fucking Canuck talk normal talk normal you canuck and then cut to him apologizing to her and her friends i'm sorry i'm sorry everybody there's the bar everybody's sort of like slowly surrounding it listen friends romans countrymen lend me your ears i apologize uh tips on flirting would be great right now. He's swimming with the sharks.

How to flirt. That's why it's good to have a wingman. It's good to be with somebody like that. I find it because it's good to be the guy behind the loud, annoying guy. Oh. Because then you seem better in comparison. Right. So sometimes a good quote unquote wingman is somebody who is this kind of abrasive person you look good by comparison right because how do you how do you look good you're not necessarily

looking good you just stand next to someone who's worse than you it's all relative true so if a tip for flirting would be you hang out with loud, brash, annoying people. You come off as a sweet, sensitive, nice, and then you occasionally make a joke kind of guy. It's like rolling your eyes. Sorry about him. Look at him. I apologize for my friend. Let me get you this to apologize.

Yeah, yeah. You want to be waiting in the wings. I think there's a middle sort of thing, right? Like you don't want to be center stage, most loud, most crazy. Yeah. But you also don't want to be so far in the back that people forget about you. Right? Like, you don't want to be center stage, most loud, most crazy. Yeah. But you also don't want to be so far... In the back. In the back that, like, people forget about you.

Right. Ride the edges. Oh. Just ride the edges, baby. So, like, let's say we're a 360-degree camera. It can capture all angles. So, there is no edges. Right.

But let's say there's a frame. Let's say, you know, it's this. Front and center. Uh-huh. Edge, you're getting cut off. You don't want to do that. I don't understand where this is. Yeah. And then you want to be in between the edge and the center.

Yes. Left of center. Left of center. Very, very, very politically relevant. Politically too. Yeah, right. You don't want to be too extreme. You also don't want to be too moderate, where you have no opinion.

True. So, you have to be opinionated, loud, annoying, mean, angry, vile, hating, racist, I should say, or racial. At least racially insensitive. Yeah, if not racially unjust. Yeah, unjust. And then accusatory, I would say, is the last one. Those are a lot of bad adjectives i would say adjectives thank you yes dude uh staircase idea how do you remember staircase idea i'll never

forget staircase idea uh a portmanteau he came up with nine and a half months ago staircase idea uh you're not a bad person uh don't be loud don't be too quiet and stop testing the waters to see if people can take jokes let's just assume they can't yeah or assume they can or assume that like that's i don't know it's just like not a great um measure of a person to be like, why do you get to be the guy that gets to, why are you the barometer? Like somebody's joke taking. Yeah. I was just testing you to see if you could take a joke. Don't test either.

Never test anybody. Let's just. Because if they fail, it's bad. And if they pass, you're like, you passed the test. Like, what are you talking about? I laughed, but I don't like you. I can take a joke. Well, I guess I sort of can't.

I don't know. It's in between. It also, it's like, it wasn't seeing if she can take a joke. It's also seeing if you can give a joke, which he couldn't because he didn't tell a joke. He just yelled at her for having an accent. I totally forgot the funniest part of this email, which the subject which is am i fucking funny i guess that answer is no yeah not in this instance buddy it's hard i've never asked am i funny yeah i think if you're asking then you're well maybe you're funny and insecure have you ever thought about what it would be like to not

be funny oh to not know like? Oh, to not? No. Like, imagine going around. There's a lot of people that, one, aren't funny, and two, just don't value humor. Like, they'll work, go home, hang out, and fall asleep, and not smile or laugh. Yeah, that's crazy. I have thought about what it would be like to, I guess,

yeah, I've thought about what it would be like to not have a sense of humor but like very not not me to not be funny almost like me to be somebody else yeah sense of humor a new resolution that i thought of instead of the tv thing would be to be jacked that's pretty good so like fuck tv all whatever still watch basketball but i'm also just fucking yeah like cut now lifting eating protein yeah that's cool i had that was my resolution last year and it's to be jacked and you what i nailed it you nailed to be what did you nail i'm jacked if you're watching on 360 video why don't you just get get a whole yes pan over to jake right now and just look at that and you're cut too aren't you shredded yeah i'm shredded as well so take

off your shirt i'm not gonna take off my shirt i'll let people see how fucking sliced up you are dude do that on the podcast dude i am sliced up sliced up. I want to see, like, what's it called? The Vicious V. I got the Vicious V. And you got the eight pack, right? Yeah. And you got the side abs. Side abs. Eight pack.

Pectorals. Just a ripped back. Yeah. Beefy quads. Yeah. Defined quads. And you haven't skipped leg day. No.

I only do leg day. You skipped arm day, if anything, but you haven't done that. One day, I didn't work out my neck as hard as i wanted your traps yeah but then i was like i did a double the next day what'd you do for your neck i do shrugs with 100 pound kettle balls dude kettle balls kettle bells what kettle what don't you get about the kettle pot calling the kettle ball black um would you rather be look really strong and be weak or be look like you currently are but be like be able to bench 300 what are you talking about i look and can't bench 300 i see um would i rather look strong and not be strong or

look weak and be strong would you rather be like look like billy but be able to lift as much weights as me or would you rather be me and be able to lift and push as much weight as billy um interesting i guess probably look like billy right I would kill someone to look like Billy. Yeah, what a small price it is to pay. So what if I can't fucking bench more than 125? I look like I can. Right. And like all of our friends are like, yeah, well, let's see you at the gym.

Yeah. Do you go to the gym? No. Yeah, well, neither do I, and I'm still fucking huge. Yeah. I made a deal with the devil, so don't worry about how much I can actually push. Kind of like Dave's arms, where he just worked out every single day in college and still to this day has big arms. Yeah.

He has the worst diet I've ever seen. It just doesn't atrophy. Yeah. It doesn't go away. It should. Another bit of advice to 18 to 22-year-olds is to just work out now. Yeah. And then coast forever.

Then you can kind of coast on that for a bit. Yeah. I mean, Dave's almost 30. Yeah. And he's still huge. He still has big arms. His gut's disgusting. Love you.

Love you, Davey. Davey baby. Follow him on Snapchat. Davey Rosie. Snapchats are so funny. Every morning it starts with the most plain, kind of sad, him in the dark going, Rise and grind. Rise and grind.

Rise and grind. It's so much of his Snapchats are him lying in bed and saying rise and grind. Rise and grind. Good name for a coffee shop. True. I don't know. Nice, dude. Whatever. All right. St all right sturge dude you have any juice yo sir man i can't get the straw in my capri sun dude

surge dude i fucking can't pierce it dude when i pierce it dude a little bit of juice came out man call your mom to clean it up dude where's your maid dude where's theresa man tell her i want cookies dude i want hydrox good serge can i have an orange slice man we're gonna play basketball so i really need an orange slice man serge dude i want milk uh should we try to answer one more question before the break yeah sure really forget it what it's on the break seriously no let's answer one more you think so let's take a break let's take a break whatever you want to do i think we're after 30 minutes so we'll take a break right now and then we'll be back with more questions thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this

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Yeah, you do. Serge, dude, I got a Koosh basketball for the second night of Hanukkah, man. We should play, dude. Let's play horse in my room, dude. Yo, Serge, dude, man, I got a Polaroid camera. I want to take a picture of you, Serge. Let's do a fucking flipbook animation, dude, man. I want to make it look like this ball's bouncing up and down.

Am I your friend, dude? Yeah, what? Am I your friend, Serge, man? I like you dude i think we marry me man marry me sir i'm gonna be with you forever dude uh first half was over we ended up recording it and re-recording it 12 times before the version you just heard. Yeah, just right. And we usually do it a lot more than that, actually. Yeah, we're getting better.

That's kind of a BTS behind-the-scenes thing that we don't usually talk about, is that we record every podcast episode 12 to 15 times and then release the sixth best version. Yeah, the sixth best version. Yeah. Version. Virgin, actually. See, this is why we want to start over and go back again, but let's power through. Okay.

Because I think, yeah. Yeah. The first best episode goes under lock and key. That's right. We have a little time capsule. Yeah. We'll record it, and then like you said, it goes under lock and key in the time capsule. Yeah. So in the future, maybe one day when the aliens are rooting through the wreckage of our society,

they'll stumble upon our time capsule and they'll say, oh, this is what they called art. And this is funny. And now we'll shape our society using their words and their wisdom. That's good. And then me and Amir, we become deities. Yeah, some sort of like overlords or like you said, gods. I want to worship you, Serge. Serge, dude.

I like Roman mythology, man. Who's Hermes, Serge? Serge, dude, you want to practice? You want to study for the pre-algebra exam, dude? Serge, man, will you quiz me? Serge, dude, let's do times tables, man. What's 6 times 8, Serge? 48. What's the capital of North Dakota, dude? I swear, dude, let's do times tables, man. What's six times eight, Serge? 48.

What's the capital of North Dakota, dude? I swear, dude, it's Bismarck, bro. We don't know if these bits are funny or not. That's the beauty of it. Yeah. It will either become a Matt Damon of itself or not. Yeah, but what's a bit that we tried and then failed at though uh i guess we won't we don't know because they like we're so they just yeah they actually like how do you remember something that's forgotten yeah that was a good one yeah primo that's the wolf john wolf global global yeah that's uh uh um

uh i said matt damon yeah yeah uh seizing the cheese for example so like when we make the surge dude shirts that's when we'll know that it reached uh ultimate what is it called the apex the uh top of the mountain yeah so the first best one we put under lock and key like jake said that's probably gonna be good i see that the time capsule is gonna come back the second best one will throw into space so a space capsule yeah that way if the aliens don't quite reach our planet and yeah they'll get to the top yeah either way we're deities to them we are still deities gods to them and then the third through fifth we destroy we'll set ablaze and then the sixth we post online and the seventh we make a little suppository yeah we stick it up a mirror in my

butthole yep just to sort of i'll put it in my butt yeah so i'll put yeah i'll like you said i'll take it a flash drive and i'll put it in my asshole yeah so many of our podcasts are in your ass yeah they're still in me and actually you shit out the hard drive before every episode it slides out of my butt yep yeah all right now that we've figured that out uh do you want to answer some more questions yeah i do uh sir dude what's this guy's name, man? It's a girl, dude. What do we do? What's a girl bit that we do? We don't do a girl bit.

We're sexist. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Very nice.

Sergio writes, I have a question that may seem silly, but it really bothers me. Me and my boyfriend have been together for three months now, and the sex is dope. But the foreplay has some issues. When it comes to me giving him head, he says it isn't that great. He says it's fine, but not all that great, and I haven't been able to make him come. I've never had this problem with any other guy I've been with, and there's been a decent amount. I don't know what to do. I have a really sensitive gag reflex, but I've been able to work around it in the past. My boyfriend is really into me deep-throating and essentially mouth- me. And if that's what he's into, I want to accommodate to best I can so he can get off.

But I can't breathe when he does it. And I make these gross gagging noises. And I feel like I'm choking when he does that. I really want to be the cute girl. What's up, buddy? It was the most foul i felt disgusted with myself saying that fucking super vulgar foul sentence and then the next one's i really want to be the cute girl that can get him off but i can't breathe when he does that and i uh sorry i really want to be the cute girlfriend who gives him morning head before it's so I really want to be the cute girlfriend who gives him morning head

before. It's so nice. I want to be the cute girlfriend who gives a morning head before work or roadhead. You know, the cute girl who gives you a roadhead. But if I'm not that good and I can't make him come, then what's the point? He's not super sexual as a person. So he says that it isn't that big of a deal and having just normal sex and give, uh, and giving instead of receiving is good enough for him, but it makes me feel like I'm failing as a girlfriend. So what do I do?

Do you have any tips on how to improve? I've never had this issue before and I'm genuinely at a loss. I hope this wasn't too long. Thanks for everything. Love, Sergio. Sergio. Huh.

He wants to face fuck her i want to face fuck you i want to fuck your face yeah now now i don't like coming to the negotiating table with you're not good at getting me off right that's a that's a negative i think it's yeah it's not where you want to start i'm not going to fault anybody for wanting to have someone gagging on their shaft personally that's not me but i'm not going to call you a sicko because you want to face fuck somebody. You're not perverted. I won't do that. I don't. The problem is that it's a very sort of aggressive sexual thing.

Yeah. And somebody really has to be into it. And both people kind of have to be into it if you want the desired effect. And it sounds like she doesn't want to do it no nor no will her body allow her to do it yeah it sounds like she's down if she was possible but she can't do it without you know choking so i don't like i don't like the boyfriends starting from a place of you're not great at giving head because that's not true it's that he likes a very specific kind of head that he that she can't physiologically so first of all if somebody said you're not great at giving head i'm like yo i actually made a lot of dudes

come with my mouth so you're not that great at getting it if you have a specific thing that you like we can talk about it But don't come at me with you're not that great at head. Because I'm actually pretty good and I sucked a lot of dicks and I know what the fuck is up. Because everybody else has come in my mouth and you haven't. You show them a video. Yeah, then his dick

gets super small when you say something like that, right? And you could deep throat it all day. It's a fucking AA battery. it's a weenie in a blanket yeah it is half of a triscuit it's a weenie outside the blanket it's just a miniature hot dog yeah you could swallow it is a mini golf pencil you could probably fuck your nostril with it at that point which maybe is what he's into. Interesting. A nasal fucking. I think you can just be up front.

Just be like, hey, I want to gag on your dick, but it's too uncomfortable. And is there anything else that I could do maybe in sex? You said the sex is dope. So it might just be like, hey, he likes the kind of blowjob that you're not down for. Yeah. But that doesn't mean that Morning Head and Roadhead aren't dope, too. I don't have to come from getting a blowjob, and I still like it. I don't have to come from making out, and I still like that. You don't always have to come to get sexual satisfaction. I don't come when I grab

girls' tits, and I don't come when I touch a girl's ass. But it's still some of my favorite things to do yeah it's like when a girl says you know i haven't had an orgasm but i still had a lot of fun this is still very pleasurable you can have pleasurable sex without necessarily cumming yeah well you're afraid to say the word cum i just it's getting a little podcast. You don't want to say cum too much. Because you think my mom might be listening. She actually is. And I am sorry. She's hiding underneath the table because this is a 360 degree video.

And she doesn't want to be on camera. Oh, mother. Oh, mother. Dear me. Why, mother? Why? I am melting, mother. You don't feel like you're failing as a girlfriend.

She's going above and beyond. You're doing great as a girlfriend. You're choking for him, which is pretty uncomfortable. It's one of the worst things you can feel as a human, is not being able to breathe. Yeah, it's a really specific kind of blowjob that I think you don't have to do all the time. Even the people that are into the gagging,

face-fucking blowjobs. I'm sure he would like Morninghead, and it doesn't have to be a violent him grabbing your ears and giving you a dollar. Why a dollar? It's that

dance, like, five cents, ten cents, seventy-five dollars. Oh, I see. Dollar is like the thrust. it's that dance like 5 cents 10 cents $75 dollar is like the thrust the thrust of the I'm glad I asked because I don't think anybody would have gotten that I think it's like some weird thing my cousin did on vacation a long time ago

I don't want to know what you did to your cousin no that's quite understandable we're talking about meeting girls on the beach and giving them a dollar dude yeah and he face fucked me but he never called it a dollar and he never came because my gag reflex was a little too sensitive i wonder if gag reflex is not that she should but i wonder if just in general that's something you can eliminate like is that a genetic thing that you can't get rid of or is that something you can work on something you can work on probably i don't know i remember in high school like guys dating girls and being like and guess what she doesn't have a gag reflex yeah and every time i've ever gotten like a really

deep throat blowjob i'm just like uh hey are you okay yeah are you okay stop you know how to do that because it's like yeah i don't know it's kind of intense like the the past the tongue and like the back of the throat it doesn, it feels kind of unnatural. Yeah. It's bony back there a little bit. And it feels like at any... There's something a little dangerous about it to me. Like, at any point, you could just clamp your jaw down by accident.

Because your body is like, hey, get it out. And it's like... Evolution. It wasn't worth it. you bit my dick off oh what is that holy christ oh that is so rad dude you gotta fucking write tv dude i love the catch the catchphrases your characters come up with? Oh, man. You're like, what are you talking about, Willis? Like, fuck that shit. Like, so I'd be like, you bit my dick off.

You bit my dick off. Oh, that's good. That's gold. That's the name of a sitcom. Damn, bitch, you bit my dick off. Whoa, whoa. No way. Sorry.

I shouldn't have curled. It's 2016. You're slut-shaming. You're slut-shaming, you're mansplaining, and you're manscaping. I'm also manspreading right now. You are manspreading. You're on a 360 camera. You guys got to look at this manspread I got.

And it's actually a nice cheese spread. So Jake has a little bit of smoked gouda on his taint. And a little crudite. He's got a little, Serge dude, can I Can I get some salami, man? Serge dude, have you ever had ants on a log, dude? My dad used to make that, dude.

You put peanut butter on celery, dude, and some raisins. Forget about it, man. Can we make an Oreo graveyard, dude? Put gummy worms in a chocolate pudding, man, with Oreo crumbles about them, man. Can we make an Oreo graveyard, dude? What's that? Put gummy worms in a chocolate pudding, man, with Oreo crumbles on top, man. Yo, Serge, dude, let's blend shit up and dare each other to drink it, man. Serge, man, you want to make a potion, dude? Serge, dude, let's play blind man's bluff, dude. I'll put a towel over my head and try to catch you, dude. Oh, you're fast, man.

My brother broke his nose that way, man. I'm serious, dude. Mercy. Should we answer another question? Let's do one more. We didn't really give this girl very much advice, but just try to talk to your boyfriend about what you guys could do sexually. That would be more fun. Yeah. And let him know that you're insecure about the way he's talking about the oral sex because he probably doesn't want to make you feel like that he doesn't want you to

choke yeah and he doesn't want you to think you're bad at head he's he should i i want to i want you guys to talk through the through the sort of negativity that that he's casting your way yeah it's not cool because you do want to you want his dick in your mouth so like he should come from a place of appreciation for that yeah that's like 90 of the battle yeah like she wants to she wants to be him she wants my penis in her in her mouth some people don't even like that much like i can't handle that yeah like i have i have uh and you know the rest of society most of everybody else is like oh i don't even want to talk to that person so you found somebody that wants to talk to you yeah wants to kiss you uh-huh wants to unzip your pants and place your penis onto their tongue yeah like that's a lot that's gone a long way yeah you're not even meeting her halfway you're

meeting her like on the one percent line this guy advice at this point yeah he should appreciate the blowjobs and you guys can talk openly about how they could be better but he shouldn't make you feel bad the end uh let's go for another pornographic question nice because we've gone blue this if this episode is rated r yeah this episode's straight up called come no i think it'll be called surge dude yeah that's better. Yeah. My boyfriend's obsessed with MILFs, right? Should we give her a... Fuck it, let's use her real name. Whoa, dude.

Denise Hopkins, straight up outing her. Wow, Denise Hopkins. Let's call her Lisa, because that's a famous MILF porn name. Okay. Lisa writes, I have a boyfriend who I've been with for almost two years now

and there's an age gap of almost six years between us, me being younger. We are both pretty young, under 30. I was on his computer the other day and I went to Google something with the letters MI and noticed that he had recently been watching MILF porn. Come to find out that a huge majority of the porn he watches is MILF and mother porn. I even

saw that he clicked on sister and grandma before. Not frequently though. We have an amazing sex life and get it on way more than the average couple. It's just super confusing because why would he go after me, someone much younger, if he gets off to sexual, if he gets off sexually

to older women? Should I be concerned? Sincere concerned sincerely young and insecure lisa okay lisa what do you say buddy because i've got the answers uh i have fear that we think the same thing and i'll tell you what it is when you fantasize you don't fantasize about what you got you fantasize about the auction actually the polar opposite of what you have because you can get what you got never judge a guy by his porn so it's not um necessarily the fact that you are younger makes sense that he's looking at older ladies because that's what you aren't yeah and it's not something that necessarily you can't give him but it's just something that he fantasizes about and there's

nothing necessarily wrong and you shouldn't be insecure if anything you should start lying about your age maybe start saying that oh it's my birthday again it's actually in march oh actually and then september rolls around say i'm actually 30 and 31 oh you are my son and your sister if you're into incest that's right also i wonder how much porn like she watched a lot of milf porn like if you just go on to like one porn session of his it'll look like a lot of milf porn because people tend to open up a lot of tabs. Like, Oh my God, there's 10 links of MILF porn.

Yeah. That's eight minutes. Yeah, dude, you're good. Uh, additionally, what was I?

Oh yeah. In porn, there's like two ages. It's 18 and MILF. There's no like, there's barely legal and too old. Yeah. There's no like,

Oh, Hey, normal 27 year old porn. Yeah. Oh, how old are you? I'm Yeah. There's no like, oh, hey, normal 27-year-old porn. Yeah. Oh, how old are you? I'm 27. It's either like you're 18 until you're 30 in porn, like freshly 18, barely legal. I'm just getting in.

This is my first time. I'm mostly a virgin. And then there's like MILF dominatrix, and that starts when you're like 28 or 29, right? So 30. There's no gray area. Well, the gray area is like 28 or 29, right? So 30. There's no gray area. Well, the gray area is like 28 to 30, I think. I trust your opinion. You can be 18, barely legal, and MILF at the same time.

Holy shit. And that's when you're making bang, bang money, dude. That's when you're making points in the back end, you're making points in the front. Because you're getting it in the back end and you're making points in the front. Because you're getting it in the back end and the front. You bet my dick off! Christ! His attitude is like

a little amused. Holy shit! It's almost like it happened to somebody else. He's reacting like he's watching he's reacting like uh like he's watching a violent quentin tarantino or like he someone hit him with a water balloon at a pool party like oh yeah right in the nads like oh that's not okay but at the same time whatever that'll hurt later y'all fucking hurts now, actually, because you bit my dick off.

You bit my dick off. So don't worry about the porn. About the porn. Don't judge a man by his porn. Don't judge a book. Don't judge a man by his browser. History. Dot, dot, dot. History. uh yeah that makes sense that's a good life tip in addition to just

porn don't judge a man by his browsing history yeah i mean really like people search weird shit and then like you're you you purge that curiosity you're like oh that was weird all right bye forever yeah and then if you you look at it you're like you looked at sister porn so you're a sick fuck i wonder what's in my history if it's another thing though like a lot of people don't look at the titles of porn videos like are you on pornhub or red tube or whatever site you go to looking at the titles of the video or do you just look at the thumbnail and it doesn't matter what the fucking title is oh and yeah i guess you just look i'm looking for like a person i think is attractive or an ass that i think is hot in a thumbnail and then it happens to be a milf and or happens to be this yeah i'm not ever like i guess you can like you search sometimes for like milf porn or whatever

but generally if you're like looking at the videos that he watched and all the titles, I bet it's mostly just... What's the plural for milfs? Is it milvs? It's milvs. It is milvs. Yeah, or elves. Yeah. M-I-L-V-E-S.

It would make grammatical sense, I do believe. An example of a search history that I'm kind of ashamed of is name of not prime numbers. I think you're a little bit name of not prime numbers. Yeah. I think you're a little bit proud of it, though. Yeah. I didn't know. Yeah, so that's... So, like, my niece, my 10-year-old niece,

asked me a math question that a fourth grader would know, and I didn't know the answer, so that I Googled it later. What is the name of not prime numbers? A composite number. I did know that. We all know. At some point in my life. That that's right we end every episode with a math tip and i remember that time i had googled mark paul gosselaar shirtless well you'll do that more often i like to admit yeah yeah i google a lot of male celebrities and sports stars shirtless i like to see if their bodies are as ripped as mine and oftentimes they

are more so did you see creed no i have to see that oh dude michael b jordan is fucking huge i can't wait i love strong people yeah i it is awesome that he got so big but like i don't like people being like he look how much look how much he dedicated to this like movie like he really got real shredded and cut it's like yeah i mean anyone would do that for like that's the fun thing about he still gets to be cut after he didn't do it just for the dollars and he makes millions of dollars on the movie i'm sure the movie like pays for a personal trainer and yeah like a professional chef cooking all of your meals yeah well i guess i don't i michael b jordan if you're listening i i don't i don't mean to assume about all this stuff but i just imagine and and i think it's

awesome and i think you're awesome i actually would only respect it if he went back to like being uh not as cut and jacked and huge after the movie i mean it must be it i'm sure he would because it's got to be so much work to keep up that level of fitness yeah you could probably peel it back a little bit still look amazing and he's not yeah but give me like the christian bale lost 80 pounds that's that's impressive because it's like he he went from patrick bateman he was jacked and he had to lose it all that is hard also it's i think it's really hard to to gain a ton of weight in a fat sense to be really really fat because that'd be kind of fun while you were doing it but also like having your super shitty diet would make your mood a little bad

and then also you're like all I'd be thinking about is like how do I get back to normal after this yeah if you spur lock yourself yeah that would be hard I wouldn't like to do that anyway I have to piss can we end the podcast if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions that email address

for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com our website is ifireyoushow.com we're going to try to put this video on our YouTube channel which is ifireyoushow YouTube? I don't know, Google it and then also on our Facebook page which is facebook.com slash jakeandamir

hopefully we'll have clips or maybe the whole episode we'll try to post it online sometime this week, thank you for listening. The opening theme song was from Justin Gonzalez and the closing one is George and he did a Hey Ya parody. Remember Hey Ya? Yeah, I love Hey Ya.

So here we go. Listen to this Hey Ya parody and we'll be back soon. Later, everybody. Thanks for listening and or watching. Deuces. You bit my dick off. Drinking a bit, I'll mess around

because they love it so and if I were you, they'd show. But do they really want Kobe to sit in with them? I don't know Better break up with your girlfriend Cause Jake wants to have sex right now Thank God for Colin Schumer putting them together Excludes you, how? Thank God for Colin Schumer putting them together. Excludes you.

How? Toda. Toda. Toda. Toda. Ha!