Segments - 193: Game Boy

Episode Date: January 18, 2016

In this episode we discuss bacne, community college and Swing. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Leesa! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. I tried to make plans with a girl that I know. Now all I do is sit by the phone. And that's no way to live. That's no way to live. That's no way to live. I've tried to figure things out all by myself. But now I'm looking for professional help. Don't give in, don't kill yourself. Even if it's in a star bus

Get the experts now Things got real Things got real Better tell Jake and Amir so They can tell me what they do If they want me, don't give in, don't kill yourself Don't give in and kill yourself That song won me over. Oh.

I ended up loving it. I ended up hating it. That song changed my mind. At the beginning with the palm mute you know i was just what's the palm mute that's where you're you got the uh you got the guitar like you're not actually strumming the guitar right oh oh oh i think i don't know how to i don't know how it's actually created but it's's like a, it's a punk move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The palm mute. Yeah. Yeah. You know that sound.

Why do all pop punk songs sound like that? Like, is it, is that how they spoke? Is that how punk teens talk? Yeah. I mean, it's a style just like any, I was thinking as that was going that that sounded exactly like, excuse me, because your song is amazing, but that sounded exactly like a... Excuse me, because your song is amazing, but it sounded exactly like a shitty pop punk song

that I made with my band in high school. Excuse me, because that song was really good, but excuse me when I say that song did sound like I shoved a kazoo up my ass and farted for a minute and a half. That being said, I did like your song. I loved your song. That was what I was trying to create when i was in high school that's like what we that's the gold standard of a punk pop punk song the nasally voice the palm youth the like but the crescendo the big the like letting the power chords ring at the end it was perfect it had it all uh

that's like that's not his actual voice i wonder like his actual singing he's an amazing tenor he's an opera singer you know that actually they are it's an alternative rock duo called the mighty adam and it's twin brothers from massachusetts but they just wrote a pop punk cover uh because they hear they heard that we liked it we i do like pop punk covers things got real that was a pop punk original i wasn't even covered yeah yeah that was a real one they covered their own song in a pop punk fashion yeah they're they had another song called things got real that was more like indie rock things got real yeah yeah but then what but when tom delong talks is he like hey guys i think i'm getting rid to the bathroom you never heard him talk

he does sound like that oh he does yeah he just broke his nose the day before every interview yeah so that's just how he speaks that's so that's not a singing voice that's just how he actually his real voice yeah i mean like all the small things like that's basically i even that is essentially talking is that singing does that count as singing it's almost rap and i'm not saying i don't like it mr delong i love you i'd love to have you on the show god wouldn't that be amazing uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm Jake, and happy birthday, buddy. Well, not today that when we're recording, but today when we release it. Yeah, but when it comes out. This is coming out on your birthday. January 18th, MLK Day. Wow, not too shabby. I'm honored to share a day with the Reverend,

and likewise, he's honored to share the day with me. Well, I think his actual birthday is today. Oh, January 16th? January 15th, when we were recording this? I think it is. And then they just celebrate it as like the third Monday. Right, you always get it off. Yeah, yeah, he was born January 15th. Wow. But they gave him a swing holiday, so he gets the Monday, whenever the Monday is. But for me, I'm locked into the 18th like an asshole, so I have to celebrate on Tuesday, Sunday, fucking Thursday.

First of all, you haven't done anything with your life worth noting. Not yet. Second of all, you didn't die a martyr for a cause. No, not yet. Not yet. You're right. I mean. There's still time.

I guess that's something to aspire to. There's still time. There's still time. I guess that's something to aspire to. There's still time. There's still time. Yeah, the big 49 for me. I can't believe you're 49, by the way. I know, it's crazy. You don't look a day over 40.

Wow. Thanks, dude. I'm actually turning 33. How does it it feel it feels exactly the same as 32 yeah does it see is do you feel like there will be another milestone 40 35 35 i guess because it's mid 30s smack dab in the middle you can run for president 40 uh unless i find my wife by then i'm gonna kill myself if uh if i don't a of sense. Do you feel like a little bit of pressure to settle down a little bit? Yeah, a little bit more now. Yeah, 33.

Because at this age, I actually found out. I didn't find out, but I realized I've done the math. Two things. One, I'm closer to 50 than 15. Wow. Which is kind of neat. Not really. Two, on a personal level, my dad was 33 when he had me.

So I'm finally the age of my father. You know, the one that was a doctor with three children that moved across the world at that age. Yeah. And I am... Well, he was 35 when he moved across the world. Yeah.

You were two. You still got time. Still got time. You are doing a bad Tom DeLonge impression to a microphone in a house where you live with two male roommates. Yeah, I also have two kids. That's fair. My roomies. I also have curry chicken salad on my chin.

And a cut in my mouth the size of the Grand fucking Canyon. That cut is so fucking gross. Anyway, we thought this would be a fun special episode that we can do yeah things are a little bit different um do you want to explain the rules since you thought about it i thought of a game today when i was at the gym a little game boy that's right you're a little game boy i'm a little game boy yeah and i go to the gym even on friday nights um i forget the game because i sprained my ankle on the way to the gym and I ended up going to a Jack in the Box. So we have, as you guys may know, we've got about 14 or 15,000 emails

in our inbox. Yeah. Do they know that? They don't know. All right, cool. So it's a little tough for us to find questions. We read as many emails as we possibly can. We comb through them every single time we're recording. But, you know, it's a little tough. So I thought for this episode, we'll play a game. And what's the name of that game, Game Boy? The Game Boy? Yo, I am the Game Boy, and I have a game for you today. And I have a game, Roy.

And I am the Game Boy, and this game is called word search all right so i'm going to give you a word and you'll search it in the gmail toolbar all right what is you don't have an accent i don't need an accent i'm the game boy but it's almost like it's just it's just a specific way of talking that the game boy has. I'm the little Game Boy. Okay. So what is it? So I give you a word to search, and then you will search that word. And then you'll read me the email with that word.

And if there are more than one email with that word... That voice is... It's scratching my brain. It's just the voice of the Game Boy. I know, but I don't know why it is and what it is. I found this sort of octave that's very frustrating to hear i believe yeah yeah i am the game boy oh god now i don't want to play the game sort of like deep high at the same time and then you also yell i am the game boy so then uh you'll uh you'll tell me how many emails there are okay

and if there's more than i mean if there's a lot then i'll just pick one i'll pick a number and that's the email that you're gonna read all right all right let's just the best way to fully understand is to just immerse ourselves in it yes so right off the, you want to go first? Give me a word to search in our Gmail inbox. Sure. BACNE. BACNE. B-A-C-N-E. B-A-C-N-E. Holy shit. There's only one.

Is there really? Yeah. That's how you win the game. I'm the game boy. I've already won. I created the rules, and I won the game within nine seconds. Let's play a different game. All right.

This email comes from... Bacne. Oh. The Game Boy? The Game... No, I am the Game Boy. What about... Who else do you share a birthday with?

That's a fun one. Oh, yeah. Didn't we do that once? Because I remember saying Kevin Costner. either way kevin costner sure so basically to make a long story short i got that acne shit going on my back and chest and i got it kind of bad i've had this issue for a long long long time and i've been mostly been able to cover it up by just never having my shirt off. And since my face isn't that bad, and I am a decent, funny, endearingly awkward enough to get by, uh, guy, girls still show interest in me. However, for the past few years, I've only been in long-term relationships.

So I have had a lot of time to get to know and trust a girl before I revealed my secret. So by the time they knew they liked me enough as a person to not mind it. However, as me and my most recent girlfriend just broke it off and I'm trying to move on with life and possibly explore some casual hookups, I don't really want to get in another real relationship before college. I'm scared that the back knee will destroy all my chances. In a one-off sexy time, I'm scared the girl will just get grossed out and turned off and even worse maybe tell her friends and spread it around i'm currently taking amir's favorite medicine accutane so hopefully it will be gone before college but even then i'll have some scars and stuff should i just never remove my shirt in a hookup ever never pursue casual sex and or and accept my curse or something else help me kevin

costner wow uh okay you never took accutane no i never had i mean i had zits on my face but they weren't so bad you're right uh i mean they all they all feel bad when you're in high school it doesn't matter if you have like three even now is it still feel bad but i never had to deal with like being afraid to take off my shirt because of too many this is on back yeah you know it's weird like every relationship i've ever been in my girlfriend loves popping pimples on my back oh that's great that's a great situation to be in yeah so like it would stand to reason that you like should take off your, like that should attract people in a swarm. That's like a fucking crossword puzzle. Like you open your shirt.

Let me solve it. I want to date you forever. This is the best. There is like, is there anything you can do? Like, because there's wash and creams and all that stuff for your face. Accutane is a fucking nuclear bomb. I actually never got to take it because my skin was like as bad as it gets without necessitating

it. The worst kind. The middle area. But as far as I know, my brother took it and it basically just, it like kills 80 things and acne is one of them. So it's like, yeah, you'll have yellow eyes, extremely dry skin, depression, you won't be able to eat certain

food. shut up and give it to me yeah your fingernails will thin I don't care god you'll feel really cold on your extremities

I've already taken it how much was I supposed to have get the zits off my face you really do want them off that being said

yeah oh not not that not that acne is disgusting. We're saying Bacutane. Yeah. Which is a different drug that we should invent or bring to twinnovation is an Accutane that specifically targets your back knee. I think if you get a girl that far, it's kind of like having something wrong with your pee-pee.

Your de-ock. she if we're at the stage where she's taking off the shirt yeah there's not really a lot that could happen that like the shirt comes off and then that shuts everything down right like even if it's a little weird it's gonna she'll hook up with you and then maybe oh man i don't want to say like she won't do it again later but maybe that would happen i definitely think you shouldn't bring it up between the choices of bringing it up and not because like she might not notice it it might be dark well that's one very true thing about pimples is that you notice them way more than anybody else yeah and if you're hooking up with somebody chances

are they're not seeing your back very much. So as long as they're only on your chest and they're like, you're fine. Yeah, back knee is better. I actually prefer, not that I, if I can choose no back knee versus back knee, I would choose no back knee. But zits on my back are kind of fun because I can really go to town on them and they don't affect my appearance at all. Like I'm always searching, like if I can find one, oh, this is Right. Like I'm always searching like if I can find one, oh, this is great. Like I'm actually excited about finding one. I'll look for zits on my shoulders all the time.

Yeah, shoulder, back of the shoulder, up the neck. I've popped some zits on the middle of your back, ones that you can't get to. Yeah, yeah. If there's stuff like right in the middle. I've used a ruler. To pop a zit? Yeah, like I'll use a ruler

or I'll like press my spine against a chair. Whoa. Yeah. That's cool. You think they can invent a straw? To suck the zit dry? You'll affix the one end of it on the zit and then just suck that. Suck that shit, Serge.

Yo, Serge. Yo, Serge, man. Pop this zit on my back, man. Dude. Dude, can you? Dude, will you suck the pus off my back, Serge? Oh, God. That's not what that character is.

He'd be into word searches, though. Serge, can you help me find the word cherry, Serge? It should be easy because there are two R's, man. Dude. It can go backwards and upside down, dude. So, like, let's just look for R's. Always. Serge, it's diagonal, dude.

Serge, it's backwards diagonal, man. Look at this shit. Serge, what other fucking rainy day activities do you like, dude? We can fucking trace our hands and make turkeys, Serge. Serge, do you have an old Spirographs, dude? Dude, we could do spin art, I swear, dude. My brother has it. Look.

Spirograph. Dude, do you have a compass and a protractor, Serge? Let's fucking learn geometry, dude. Let's measure angles and shit, Serge. Do you have any TI-83 games, Serge? Serge, dude, let's play Drug Wars. My brother has a new tennis. Kind of snake.

So, don't tell anything. Don't tell anything. This guy with the throbbing back sits is just like on the edge of his seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Serge, whatever the fuck. What do I do? Well, actually, this email was written over a year ago. So, he's dead. Yeah. This guy's back knee eventually swallowed him whole. fuck what do i do well actually this email was written over a year ago so so he's dead yeah this

guy this guy's back knee uh eventually swallowed him whole uh is there anything to do like i want to i wish i could give advice about like uh diet or hygiene that could like fix zits but that's it's just like it's nothing to do with any of that stuff yeah i think it's genetic so you just might have like skin that gets zits at any time. I will say this much. I think greasy skin, while bad as a youth, makes you look younger later in life. Like I've gotten compliments on my skin as a 33-year-old, probably because I had such oily skin as a teenager.

And now like the drier skin you have as a younger age, the more old you look as an older person. A whole lot of good that does this guy. Freshman year of college, trying to take somebody home. He's like, I'll look hot when I'm 33. Your back is going to look so young, dude. I think it's all about just owning it. Don't even talk about it.

If somebody ever brings it up, which they won't, you're just like, oh just don't even talk about it if somebody ever brings it up which they won't you're just like oh yeah do i yeah whatever remember the jake and amir video idea i had that we never shot which was you squeezing a zit on my back uh and it was my imagination had it shot from the pov of the zit so you're like squeezing the camera lens and then we throw like a fucking dab a spoonful of vanilla yogurt no you're screaming to pop it you're like ah and then i fucking launch vanilla yogurt into your mouth how foul would that have been you know how i would have played that if we actually got to shoot it the yogurt goes in my mouth and i think it'd been really funny if i didn't play it super grossed out but i was just like it went in my eyes and my mouth and i was like i got it did you pop it dude yeah i think there's a little left i see a white head ah all right next question yeah you're beautiful

don't worry it's gonna go away yeah you have the good kind of acne b acne actually actually factually all right back i am the game boy all right now it's my turn yes uh uh seeds s-e-e-d-s well well well Seeds. S-E-E-D-S. Well, well, well. Would you venture a guess as to how many emails we have with the word seeds? Are you including our auto replies? I don't know. I'll tell you what, I am including a couple touch of modern emails.

Oh yeah, some spams. But not a lot. Let's say 18. 47. Wow. So now you have to give me...

There's actually one in the two answer label. So there's a chance that we've answered it oh no that we haven't answered it yet uh yeah it looks like we haven't but do you want to do that one or we can do all right sorry i'll just give you one through 47 what if i say one that's I will read it. 32, Magic John. Actually, 33. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in my current age.

Larry Bird, too. Okay, so. Serge, dude, I learned the alphabet backwards, man. Watch this, dude. Z-Y-X. Shit, dude. Give me a hint, man. Give me a hint.

All right, this is a long one. I guess that's the problem with the Game Boys game, huh? No, I'm very happy to read this. Here we go. This comes from somebody else that shares your birthday? Oh, Clark Gable, I believe. Clark Gable writes, Hey, guys, love the show.

On to my question. There's this girl I've known for about 10 years now. Since we were little kids and she's one of my best friends. I'd suspected she had a crush on me for a while and last year she finally admitted it. I don't feel the same way about her but I respect and trust her and value our friendship and I told her that. Shortly afterwards she said she was over me

and we acted like nothing happened. After a couple of weeks we got over the awkwardness and our friendship seemed back to normal still some of the seeds just kidding still some of her words and actions have led me to believe that she is in fact still into me things like telling me i'm admirable or that i'm really sweet that i I'm into you. Not mine. That doesn't bother me. But lately, conversations with her have felt awkward. Like there's something unsaid between us. For instance, seeds.

Oh. Nope, just kidding. This is a recent development. It's never felt awkward before, even right after she told me she liked me. But now that it's started, it seems to be getting worse. Over text, it's fine. But in person, there's a layer of unacknowledged awkwardness the funniest part of this is she's my boss's daughter and often comes in to help him out or say hi so not seeing her in person and only communicating over text is not an option he doesn't know she likes me or how close

we are my other friend tells me i should just date this girl already, but I don't want to for three reasons. I don't return her feelings, so if I agreed to go out with her, it wouldn't be out of genuine attraction, and she deserves better than just a pity date. I can't believe there's two more reasons. Also, I graduated high school, and I'm going away to university in a couple months, so now would be a really stupid time to sow the seeds for a relationship. Nice. really stupid time to sow the seeds for a relationship nice anyway and i know uh and i know she would want something more lasting and stable than just a summer fling finally i don't really want to be in a relationship because i really like being single should i just go on and act like nothing's wrong should i talk to her about it and if so what should i say or do you

think there's something else i should do also she, she has a major body image issues, so even though she's fairly pretty, how can I make her feel good about her appearance without sounding flirty or like I'm into her? Oh my god. This guy is just bragging. True. He's like, yeah, this girl's so into me and it's so awkward.

Even after I told her I wasn't into it, she just keeps fucking complimenting me. And I just, I don't want to deal with it because one, I like being single. And two, I don't want to be in a relationship. And three, I'm going to college. And four, I don't like her. Also, she's got a body image issue. Stop fucking telling her how hot she is.

She's dragging this girl's name through the mud for no reason. I also think it's on you a little bit, man. Because, like, she said I liked you. You said no. She's like, all right, let's go back to being friends. And you're like, it's weird. Like, it takes two people to make something weird, right? No, I think one person can make it weird.

That's true. That is true. But I think it's... it takes two to make it normal that's true that's fair man that's very fair that's actually really fair serge let's do fucking mash dude i have a fortune killer teller thing choose a fucking color dude blue b-l-u-e oh serge you live in a shack man sorry dude serge let's play fucking mash dude who's your crush? Give me four.

Tell me when to stop, man. Uh-oh, I'm doing a spiral. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, shit, dude. You're going to have six kids, bro. And a squirrel, dude. So, what do you do? What you gonna do with that big fat butt?

Wiggle with it. You're not gonna, just don't, just say sorry. I mean, you don't have to do anything with this girl. What can you do? You don't want to be friends with her because it's awkward? Fine, don't be friends with her. You want to just look past it and act cool? You do that too let's try to put ourselves there have you ever been in a situation where a friend of yours tells you they like you no okay i have okay

um almost 100 of the time that that has happened, I had sex with her. And then I didn't want to talk to them anymore. Okay. And then they ended up hating me for a time for a spell. So why don't you say... And then we became friends further on down the line. So what I would say is hook up with her a little bit. Oh.

Just, you know, she would probably have fun. You'll have a little fun because you're curious about it. You don't have to jump into a relationship with her. That would also fix her body image issues. Yeah, maybe you guys just French and hook up a little bit. And then when it's time to go to college, you're like, hey, I just don't want to be in a relationship when I'm in college. And I love you.

What? I don't know. There's nothing wrong. I do like the idea of Frenching a little bit because he's in high school. And then he can French a little bit. And somebody likes you, and all your friends are saying to date her,

and I guess this is horrible advice like you don't like her just hook up with her she's insecure about her body yeah just look up with her and then stop talking to her man i don't actually advise that i changed my mind i think you could keep on doing what you're doing you don't make it weird she is maybe hitting on you a little bit, but that's fine. You just sort of ignore those passes and encourage the friendship behavior and things will eventually normalize. Or you can just French her.

Probably nothing horrible will happen if you French her. Yeah. You want to give me a word? Wispy. Spell it. W-I a word? Mm-hmm. Wispy. Spell it. W-I-S-P-Y. No messages have matched your search.

Whoa. That's a loss. I think the perfect amount is one. Okay. Vehicle. Vehicle. Um. All right.

There's 31. Most of them spam. Ooh. So give me a number between 1 and 31, and I'll round to the nearest non-spam. All right, cool. 18. Did you also pick 18? No, you picked 33.

Yeah. 18. It's actually starred, which means we liked it in August of 2014. That means the Game Boy has won again. No, it doesn't. I picked a start email. You know what it sounds like a little bit? It's Mark Zuckerberg. Oh.

When I invented the Facebook, I was the Game Boy. Everyone is connected. Everyone is completely connected on a web. And that one thing will change everything. Moving on. The other day, oh wait, Kristen Ledlow writes. She does share your birthday. Yeah, this is a guy though.

Kalo. The other day, my cousin, who is a lifeguard, was an awesome wingman and tried to set me up with a chick he was guarding with. I ended up messaging her on Facebook, which resulted in my getting of her number, followed by setting up a date that was supposed to go down the next day at 5.30pm. The day, I had a few errands to run, but I got home with enough time to make it on the date until my dad, whose vehicle is currently out of commish, texts me for a ride. I text this girl that I won't be able to make it until a quarter to six and then i leave to grab my dad the problem arises when the drive takes much longer than expected and my phone dies so i can't even give a heads up to my date finally i arrive at the venue

at about 605 and she's nowhere to be seen i went into a nearby hotel to change, to charge my phone and see a text that reads, I'm going to head home now. Have a good day, man. I tried calling, but she didn't pick up. And then she sent a text, then sent a text explaining myself. She sent a message back saying that it's nothing, but seemed pretty sarcastic. And based on the fact that she hasn't replied, kind of confirms it. What should I do? I do want to see her. And at the very least, our chemistry over text was very strong. Not to mention she's very attractive.

Any advice would be appreciated. This is like a text Jake question. Yeah, that's so sad. So he accidentally stood someone up. Yeah. And like the weird, crazy, wacky excuse was true. Can you imagine like how stressful that is? Like sitting in traffic as your phone's dead

yeah oh god i would like run i would know i don't know what i would do i would run to an outlet like going into a hotel to charge your phone even like that two minutes when it's not turned on yet yeah just like constantly pressing the button and seeing the red the red battery dead oh christ uh what's the text super honest long paragraph listen i know you you don't owe me anything uh but this is i just want to explain myself because i'll feel like an idiot if i didn't give it one last chance yeah this email was written a year and a half ago but maybe uh hopefully they're married by now but if not i hope so i'd love a follow-up pup on this one actually it'd be fun if you never texted her if you texted her now a year and a half later being hopefully they're married by now, but if not... Yeah, I hope so. I'd love a follow-up pup on this one, actually. It would be fun if he never texted her,

if he texted her now, a year and a half later, being like, this has been eating me up alive for the last 18 months. Yeah, and whatever the venue is, like say he was meeting her at Starbucks, say, honestly, I'm still waiting at Starbucks for you. Oh, that's good. And she's like, I'm actually engaged now to someone else.

Congratulations, I'd love to come to the wedding. I'll be there on time albeit fashionably early and then you show up 15 minutes late um what can you yeah that's it super honest super long all the cards out on the table yeah i've sent a couple texts like that yeah only you're like you're you are you didn't accidentally stand someone up. No, but I've been like deep in the doghouse, like from, you know, the get-go of like, you know, one day I did something really dumb or something like that. Yeah. Like deep in the doghouse.

Yeah. And I've clawed my way out. There's not, yeah. Because like, what's an apology like an apology is you need to debase yourself to the point where the person you're apologizing to feels compelled to lift you back up wow so you say like i feel awful i am like i'm sick to my stomach yeah i'm not the kind of person that ever does this and like you know i had to pick up my dad but that's no excuse and it's definitely not excuse for not having a fully charged phone you deserve better than that i'm a nauseous little game boy i'm a little game boy i am the game boy and like you know you just you just tear into yourself and then they say like oh man like don't

be so hard on yourself yeah it's like that that eight mile thing where it's like i'm gonna fucking rap about how bad i am and then tell these guys something they don't know about me. And then she can't get mad because you're so self-aware. Go up to the precipice. Don't go over to the point where they're like, are you okay? No, I'm fucking suicidal thinking about you. I'm not beating you up this much.

Just one day, buddy. But yeah, get to that self-deprecating. Yeah. But still have a little bit of a sense of humor. And then you you know you say like and i'd love to try one more one more time tell you what i'll start waiting at the restaurant now oh that's good and then you say p.s have you listened to cereal it's actually really dope it's about this guy actually this past week was a fucking cop out they took a week off and then they posted an episode today talking about how they're gonna go bi-weekly

from now on yeah bi-weekly as in sorry kate you actually took two weeks off so bye bye weekly huh as in bye bye to the podcast as in i won't be listening anymore to you to your little bo bergdahl story until you release another, and then I'll fucking catch it. At which point I will immediately consume. I have to. Yeah, I do like the show. I'm curious. What's your favorite podcast, dude?

Serge, dude, let's fucking listen to podcasts together. Do you use the native app, man, or do you use a feed on your browser, man? Dude, you got to get Stitcher, dude. I'm serious, Serge. The top charts don't man dude you gotta get stitcher dude i'm serious serge the top charts don't really help you find new podcasts dude it's actually pretty good to browse i don't know uh all right let's take a break thank a few more sponsors at most two and then we'll be right back with more of the game boy the game boy i am the game boy thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels

like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes yes easy to create easy to sell easy to. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do.

Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course.'m just a fan of the league in general, but I still have a fan of gambling enough. Yes. You're a fan of gambling.

Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, cause I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickel back, uh,

does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kingsKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your

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slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back! Hi. How goes shit? We should briefly mention the poll. Oh, yeah. We have a poll.

We're conducting a poll. Yeah. It's a head gun poll. This is actually business related. So let's actually, let's kind of stop joking here for a little bit. Cut the jokes. We need data. It behooves us to have some demographic data about our audience.

It helps our sales pitch, our deck. We need information from y'all. Just a little bit about yourself, what age group you fall in. We're not asking you to download an app. We're not asking you to buy a mattress this time. We're just telling you, please log on to headgum.com slash poll and take the poll. Answer a few questions about yourself uh completely anonymously of course uh if you want you can include your email at the end and we'll be giving out some free head

gum swag oh right so it's not just a favor it's also a raffle so we do uh it would be very helpful if you guys could fill out this poll because uh it helps us uh continue to sell and thus continue to do the podcast. But secondly, we got some HeadGum merch, like some shirts and some sweaters, and we're going to... Everybody that fills out the poll is entered into this raffle where we may give you a free HeadGum hoodie

or a crew neck sweater, actually. I should say. Which is a little cooler than a hoodie. So that URL again, to take the poll, not many questions, just a few. Just let us know a little bit more about yourself. It's headgum.com slash poll, P-O-L-L. Yes, they are personal. Yes, they are invasive.

Yes, we want to know your social security number and that of your family and friends. We want to know several credit card numbers. We want to know your credit score.. We want to know your credit score. And we want to know your medical history. But it really does help us sell those Squarespace ads. What you do, you put in your email and we send you a Petri dish. You spit in it, send it back to us, and we can get some real fucking DNA data. Would you come in the dish?

Could you come in the dish for us? Yeah, you want to know the average income of our listener? Fuck that. I'll tell you the average sperm count. I want to know your sperm count, man. Come on, Serge. Serge, dude, how much sperm do you have, dude? I'm serious, dude.

What's your blood type, man? What have we done? I want to know your blood type, dude. I'm a fucking universal donor, Serge. I'm serious, dude. What else is going on in our lives uh you introduced a game that ruined my life oh yeah yeah swing swing i was looking for an app actually a funny story there's another app that i had downloaded recently that's uh legitimately great it's the opposite of swing yeah it's like a new york times app but it's a new app that I had downloaded recently that's legitimately great. It's the opposite of Swing. Yeah. It's like a New York Times app, but it's called NowThis.

Uh-huh. And it's, like, I used to just go on Facebook looking for, like, good news stories. Yeah. But everybody just posts garbage to Facebook. Yeah. So NowThis just posts, like, only news stories worth reading. It's just like, these are, like, the top things happening. This is what you need to know.

And it's not necessarily just from the New York Times. They pull it from everywhere. Just great. Liberal Jew run bias? It's a little, yeah. It's a little left-leaning, but then again, so am I. Left of center?

Fuck, I'm left of left of center. Yeah, and then, but so when I went in to search this, like it just like shows you the trending searches and Swing was number one. So curious as I am, I checked it out. Downloaded the app.

And immediately I knew it was one of those dumb games like Tiny Wings and Crossy Road that we got so into. You think poker takes a minute to learn and a lifetime to master? No, Swing takes four seconds to learn. And what seems like over eight hours to master. It's the dumbest little game. You can explain what it is. You are a little boy, a little game boy, and you start the game by running backwards. And then when you click the iPhone, he swings to the next little cliff.

Right. And it just happens over and over. And every cliff that you accomplish is a number so he's always going backwards with the rope you tap it and he swings so you can control it if he like taps a little bit of rope yeah that's a short distance or a long rope and there's a long and these plateaus are of varying lengths some of them are nice and wide a five to seven triangle mesa just a beautiful little plateau and some are skinny little bitches a little skinny bitch we're talking about one fucking square node back on the on the infinite

expanse and you don't know joy you don't know orgasm until you you land a skinny bitch that hangs low and you swing low and you nail it square. Swing low. And I wish this was a paid ad because I'm selling the shit out of swing right now. But unfortunately, it's just a game we became obsessed with. Jake's high score, 29. My high score, 51. It's crazy. And you saw me play the 51. My hands were trembling with joy as I beat marty's 43 you died you died on a on a

plateau that was not that hard no but it was just like the sheer nerves and ground out i was like a basketball player at the end of a game seven like up 20 i started like just jumping for joy i couldn't i couldn't see straight the saddest thing is that I'm still playing and I can't even come close to that. All I want to do is break 30 and then I'll stop forever. Yeah, that's what I said about 40. And now that I'm at 50, all I do, I sniff 60. Really? Have you been playing today?

I played a little bit. Did you get close to 50? My eyes were bleary trying to break 50. I would play 80 games in a row. Did you fall asleep just thinking of swing yeah like back yeah yeah yeah snoot ain't got nothing on swing i'll tell you that much wow so play it test it out see what you get see if you if you can beat 50 yeah yeah let me snap us snap us your reaction videos okay i'd like to see like snap us because you can't snap your high score really okay but like

you know what why don't you snap your friends at us i'm jake demand 85 oh and i'm amir bloom yeah and we accept snaps from all yeah we're we're open snap accepting family i don't always respond but i try to open all the ones i get i don't always respond to my snaps but when i do i prefer dos x anyway i quit the podcast from when starting from when surge dude let's fucking practice our cursive dude i swear dude i can't do capital j's dude so dude how is f different than a t man it's the same shit dude let's fucking practice our signature play dots dude you have to complete the square dude so like make a square and you can put an s for surge dude and oh z surgeman and you want to know my name my name is oh you can never be named uh sorry dude i just choked on a gusher surge Serge am I searching a word or are you searching a word

I'm searching you have to give me one this is the final word oh really we'll call it the final word or we can do two more I don't know let's see how long this one lasts oh what did I have it was a two worder now I already forget it yeah

what was it I told it to you 11 minutes ago you did and now i already forget what i wanted to search take your time uh it was god i should just say any other word but now i I can't stop thinking about it. Yeah, now I want to know. Yeah. All right, I'm going to think of a different word. Yeah, there's no way it will ever come back to me. It's gone forever. Isn't that sad? It's gone forever.

Yeah, it was pretty inconsequential. Yeah, sure. Turquoise. Spell that for me. T-U-R-Q-U-O-I-S-E. Turquoise. Turquoise. From the French turquoise, which means a bluish green. I will tell you what.

First of all, guess how many emails. 11. There are 11. Then I'm the new champion. But wait, because I am still the Game Boy. There is a second question. How many of them are real? How many of them are real? Zero?

Incorrect. Guess again. Ooh. One. Yes. So that's a double win. You are the game boy. I am the game master.

In my ripe old age. So only one real non-spam turquoise-based email. The rest of them from something we should definitely unsubscribe from, the Touch of Modern newsletter. They are just everywhere. All right. The Touch of turquoise newsletter that we subscribe to this is really funny uh i think no name necessary okay so i decided that i would rather go to a four-year university instead of community college to get that college experience, parentheses, raging hard, body shots, etc. But since my parents won't be paying for it, I realized the only way to have success without going into lifelong debt was to join the military ROTC program, which obligates me to four years of full-time military service. I guess I'm weighing

the benefits of doing keg stands with my frat bros against the con of possibly dying a painful death. What's your advice besides dropping out, Jake? Thanks, Jash Hillary Turquoise. I see. He just has a fake name. He gave it to himself. It seems like

ROTC is so intense that you gotta really want it. This guy's just like, should I get drunk or join ROTC? Yeah. ROTC is so intense that you gotta really want it. This guy's just like, should I get drunk or join ROTC? Yeah. ROTC is like army training during college. But I think that's why a lot of people join the ROTC is to get

to go to college. Yeah, but this guy, I feel like if you're on the fence, then you shouldn't do it. Right. Shit, I don't think... I get really weary about talking about whether or not you should join the military. Right, because you are... I don't even know if ROTC...

ROTC is... From what I understand, it's like military in training. Right. I'm wrong. All I know about ROTC is by going to college and occasionally seeing little army soldier training boys. I guess he's talking about dying a painful death. So it's something like that. Yeah.

It's like what we're picturing. Yeah. I do think the community college is a decent route. You can go to community college for like two years and then transfer into, like, go to community college. It's super cheap. You can save money for two years and then do two years of partying in college. Freshman and sophomore year isn't that great. Junior and senior year, those are the good ones.

I think I disagree. I think freshman and sophomore year are the better years. They're like your first two years. It's kind of like that's when you get the most college. By your junior and senior year, you're kind of sick of it. You're checked out. Yeah, you're checked out. You didn't last till junior or senior year, so you don't quite know.

Well, that's because I hated freshman and sophomore year. So my theory of junior and senior year are better. Anything has to be better than this this poison that i'm in uh but at the same time i don't want to advise him to go to school for two years then drop out yeah and i don't want to advise him not to go to the to defend our country yeah yeah yeah so i guess maybe pick a new word man what was the shit you couldn't think of oh toaster oven it's a good one uh i'll say god all right what's the advice uh pressure is off because this email came to us in 2013 okay this guy's this guy's on an airplane in afghanistan right now fuck dude why didn't they fucking answer

the question are you ready to jump sir he's refreshing his email one last time i should have gone to smc dude i should have gone to pierce uh was that guy wearing a parachute whatever it was not he wore the community college equivalent of a parachute uh so i would say don't do ROTC. Do community college next to a college. Then you can still hang out with your friends that do go to the colleges. Because it's all about the parties. You don't give a shit. Like, it's not that important that you go to class. Yeah, but you want to make friends on the campus.

But I'm sort of with you. Yeah, like, didn't you, like, party at some schools? It was almost, like, better than going to that school yeah i went to yukon like every single weekend when i was right at southern connecticut state university it was always kind of like nobody did anything during the week and then i get there on friday and people would be like yeah yeah like it's exciting i was there and like we would drink until sunday and then i would go home and in theory the community college uh would have easier classes in the real college so you can get the joy of the community the college lifestyle without the harder

coursework yeah if you could live near a car like as long as some of your friends are in college maybe you could also like take classes in the college for cheap i don't know how that shit works although now that i think about it maybe community classes are harder because it's like people actually busting their ass to try to get into the universities and when you're in the university people have less incentive to work is hard interesting living on mommy and daddy's money no rotc community college new york campus in terms of hardness we don't really know difference between college and community college but definitely being in the armies uh up there yeah that seems like harder than the other two real difficult uh all right do you want to give me one last uh word yeah sure just real quick i want this guy to look into state schools because don't you get like uh those are

cheaper tuitions right yeah sure why not look into it public schools are cheaper oh that's what it is yeah uh do you have a word for me dude oh uh yes bongos bongos uh one is a theme song submission uh and three are non. Okay. So you want one, two, or three? I wanted four. Okay. All right. That's insane. All right, three.

Three. From, this came up last time it was my birthday. I said Muhammad Ali, but I was wrong. January 18th birthdays. Oh, yeah. Jason Segal. Cool. This is so fucked up.

I'm not on this celebrity birthday list. Oh, man. Deal with it after the show. No. What the fuck is this shit? Who are these people? Oh, Mark Messier? He barely won a Stanley Cup.

Man, you are so small right now. Julius Peppers? Give me a joke, dude. You're a tiny little doll on the couch. All right. Who did I say? Mark Messier. Oh, yeah, Mark Messier. we said uh jason seagal oh yeah him too jason siegel uh hey chumps love the show that being said i have yet another sticky sitch for amir and the pinch however first things first hashtag not dope for never answering any of my

questions before but i'm willing to forgive and forget. If I could please get some advice this time around, here's the deal. I am a 22 year old male in middle school for my first girlfriend's, sorry, in middle school, my first girlfriend's name was Laura. We dated for a little bit. It was an immature relationship and she ended up dumping me for some football dude. We ended up going to the same high school together during our sophomore year and tried dating again. This time around, I ended up dumping her because I was an idiot and I just found out that some other girls liked me and I wanted to do a little bit of exploring. Just FYI, I lost my virginity to a crazy bee my senior year, but that's a story for another day. Anyway, fast forward to my 21st year of life, Laura and I are best friends. We each have had many other romantic partners, and she is currently in a relationship with a dude named Julio. Julio, like, super, super hates me because of my flawless rapport with my dear friend Laura

and how we often confide in each other and share intimate hugs and whatnot. Here's where it gets tricky. So one day, me and Laura were hanging out in my new apartment, and bingo, bango, bongo. Alright. We had a four hour sex fest that could have easily been a pornographic film, at the very least

a porno mag. Let's just say sparks fucking flew. I've always thought to myself that if she ever didn't have a boyfriend, I would try to pursue her again because I love her more than just a friend. And she has told me the same thing on many occasions. Since that wild night, we have had similar sexcapades about four times and I don't know what to do. I mean, she is in a committed relationship and behind his back, I have been going Han Sancho all over her. Is it my fault? What should I do? I want to stop

sometimes but the sex is absolutely amazing and feels even more amazing. I don't know how to make heads or tails of it. Perhaps I am just a speed bump in her life with Julio, and I should seize my own cheese on some other girl's double Ds. Yes, she is a slim and busty goddess. I just don't know what I should say or do or anything. All I know is that when we're together, it feels so right, even though what we are doing is clearly wrong. She once answered a call from her boyfriend while I was pounding her and started a fight with him and hung up just so we could finish.

It was so fucking naughty. Please help. Also, if you have any questions, just feel free to call me at and then his phone number. If you did it while recording, that would be super cool and your listeners would probably dig it. Anyway, have a good day. Yeah, they actually admitted they would. We'd call them and wake them up in the middle of the night. That question's amazing.

Yeah, holy shit. I'm so happy we found it. It's like, Julio's kind of weird about us because we share talks and hug. Also, we ended up having sex a lot. Intimate hug. Sounds like, why were you soft-selling him? You buried the lead. Another dumb thing you said is like,

what, she's in a committed relationship with Julio. She's not. She's in a relationship with him. Sounds very non-committal. She's not committed to him very much at all. Also, did you search bongo and not bongos? I searched bongos, but I guess Gmail does non guess gmail does uh yeah non-pluralized all right um this question is amazing uh you you both love each other you both love fucking each other

she is fighting with her boyfriend and she's actively cheating on her boyfriend uh and you want to stop because you know it's wrong, but you also don't want to stop because it's so great. So just tell her that you need for her to break up with her boyfriend. Yeah, or you say, listen, I'd love to keep this going, but unfortunately, if you're with your boy, but then maybe it'll become less exciting. Like there's a chance that once it's non non-illicit it'll just be like oh

well no it's all been building to this like this is the crescendo this is the ultimatum this is you can't have me and julio both anymore i choose julio well well fuck but julio's so paranoid you saw the look he gave us when i was pounding away at you when you picked up the phone that was an accidental facetime call, by the way. And this guy, like, really is out to get me. I just can't get Julio. I don't understand. He doesn't trust us at all.

Like, just because we hug and talk and fuck a lot, I can't stress how many sexcapades we've had. We share intimate hugs, and also I fucked her for four hours. That's the most intimate hug of all yeah sex when you're when her vagina is hugging your d uh so you say ultimatum or i say i love doing this it feels amazing that we well you know i don't say it like that but like i love fucking you and but we can't keep it like that. But like, I love fucking you. But we can't keep doing it now while you have a boyfriend. Yeah. And you can make her choose me or Julio.

You don't have to be like that. You must choose me or him. But you say like, I'm not doing this anymore while you have a boyfriend. I'm not going to do it. I was going to say me or Julio down by the schoolyard. Me or Julio down by the schoolyard. Me or Julio down by the schoolyard. Yeah, I choose Julio then. Makes sense. Mom in pajama rolled out of bed.

That's him walking out of her life forever. And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. All right. That was it. That was the word game. Brought to you by Game Boy. I am the Game Boy. The Game Master.

If you have your own questions that you want us to read in a year and a half when accidentally search one specific phrase and then a number 1 through 41, that email address is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We're also still accepting theme song submissions. Every single episode of ours is opened and closed with an original theme song written by our talented talented fans oh uh i wanted to mention uh that we we put up three videos last week of true 360 degree video camera so if you're on our facebook page facebook.com slash jake and amir or our

youtube page uh youtube.com slash ifireyoushow, you can basically view us answering some questions from any angle in the room. It recorded all 360 degrees of the room all at once. So check that out. Very cool. Thanks to the Mighty Adam for writing the opening theme song. And thanks to Felicity for writing this hosier parody.

Okay. Yeah, dude. Why did we open with the hosier? I guess I don't know. All right. We can close with it. It'll be the last thing people hear. Thanks for listening.

The opening song was good, too. Sorry about that. Todah for listening. And we'll be back next week, everybody. Peace. First questions each week They are both dudes And they are both Jews Meredith, what happened at prom? Caesar cheese, don't come John Wolfe is still out there

No one knows, so beware They are both dudes And they are both Jews Jake and Amir Email in if I were your show At gmail.com, they'll give you advice Say if you're right or you're wrong They'll suggest what they would do That was a hate gum podcast