Segments - 195: Caviar

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

In this episode we discuss football, pseudonyms, and skeleton keys. This episode is brought to you by ClubW, NatureBox, and CreditKarma! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. right down i promise you you'll never frown just sit back relax and be at ease don't forget to seize the chain yeah cool twangy i liked that uh next song this isn't just the episode where we listen to every single song we should do that because we have a lot of songs. And I told you last time, but I found, I discovered just dozens of songs from three years ago. How did you find that? I did a search for unread emails with attachments that didn't necessarily include the word song. That's cool.

And then it's like, okay, this one was written in June of 2013. Wow. And I emailed them back and I was like, hey, we're going to finally use your song. But this guy's probably dead. I mean, I don't know what else to tell you at this point. This was 2013. Who knows? Maybe his music career has taken off.

And now that guy. Dude, it's Kendrick Lamar. Oh, my. King Kunta. I'm honored. He tried it's Kendrick Lamar. Oh, my. King Kunta. I'm honored. He tried to cut the legs off him. Holy shit. I see the resemblance.

That was actually Jack Doyle. Oh, still cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you imagine if Kendrick made a song for us? Yeah, it would be like this. All my life I had to write. That's cool, actually. actually what i love your show that's good because i love your shelves yeah uh so thanks jack doyle uh we're recording this sunday night yeah um just to prove that this is like boom boom, last minute, we know who's in the Super Bowl.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a crushing blow. Yeah. Well, people listen to this for our football analysis. So Broncos, Panthers, who you got? Who do you like? I mean, I don't think there's any stopping Cam Newton at this point. I mean, watch him dab. Yeah.

Watch him whip. Watch him nanae. Watch him dab. Watch him Watch him whip. Watch him nanae. Yep. Watch him dab. Watch him. Watch him. Watch him. Watch him. Ooh.

Watch him. Watch him. Ooh. They kind of, to me, have a Golden State Warriors vibe, where they're like all young, athletic, friendly, cool dudes. Yeah, they just can't lose. Yeah. And then there's Peyton Manning, who's like, it's as if Kobe accidentally made it to the finals against him.

Yeah, but this is like offense versus defense. Yeah, and you know what usually happens? No, what? The defense dominates. Remember our first Super Bowl bet, it was Seattle defense versus Peyton, who used to be like a great offensive player, and Seattle destroyed. But for whatever reason... Then the next year, you took Seattle and I took the Patriots. And that was sort of...

Seattle was a little more defense than offense, and the offense won out. But this year, it's very offensive versus very defensive. And again, everybody loves the offense. Everybody loves the flash. Everyone loves the dab. All right, so what do you say you want to make this bet? Well, the problem is the line is already out. Do you know who's favored? No, but I'm sure it's the Panthers. That's correct. The Panthers are favored right now

by four. Okay. We don't bet the spread. We just bet who wins and lose. Right. That's the problem. We both kind of like the Panthers this year. Oh like the panthers so you i i would i would if i take denver i would want denver plus four so if denver loses by three i still win oh i don't know if i could play this game we got a week to decide uh i still owe you a billboard from the last super bowl it's true i don't like i just don't like the idea of like being excited but then also needing to do math yeah i think that happens a lot when we're watching sports games where i'm like oh sweet they won well no if they they got a safety here like yeah they didn't they didn't cover the spread like oh that's actually a push yeah like i don't just let me be happy when someone wins yeah don't let don't make me do math i don't want a plus and minus shit. What am I, a battery?

Christ, just tell me. You know what we could do? We can give each other odds then. That's more math. Come on, that's not fair either. You're simplifying but not enough for my taste. What do you mean odds? Can you make every touchdown worth one?

I'm fucking sick of adding shit. What does it mean to go for two? They should go for one. Hey, relax, dude. You're insulting my intelligence. Do you think it was Gostkowski's fault? Because he's blaming himself. I don't think it's...

I mean, like, the entire offensive line let Brady down. It's not Gostkowski's fault. They gotta protect number 12. Or number 1, if you ask me. That's what I'm saying. Which is what Cam Newton's number is. That's cool. We'll discuss it next week.

What is this? This is an advice podcast. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and i uh and who i i'm amir i'm josh uh josh r i never know which one i'm gonna say until it comes out it's definitely one of the two uh so we are going to be reading emails from people seeking our guidance uh if you have your own questions your own theme songs like jack doyle i promised to read it before uh mid 2018 uh it's if i were you show at gmail.com i was away all weekend that's why we're recording it Sunday night and putting it online right away.

We usually do it a little ahead of time, but we ran out of time. So you searched for questions while I was up north with my family. That's right. You are going to read them. These are not sight unseen for me, but the audio equivalent, ear unheard. I also haven't seen the emails because you read them with your eyes. That's correct. They're also nose unsmelled.

You did smell my computer when you walked in. Like a dog. You wanted to see if I'd been masturbating instead of looking at questions. And the smell of your cum. That's a good question. Does all cum smell the same? I think so, because there are those bushes that smell like cum. And everybody's like, oh, it smells like cum. We's a good question. Does all cum smell the same? I think so, because there are those bushes that smell like cum. And everybody's like, oh, it smells like cum. We all agree. Yeah.

But I bet there are like variations. Right. Well, it's like wine. You could be a cum sommelier. Yeah. Hold on. Let me think of a pun. A cum sommelier. A simenier. A simenier. Kamalier. Kamalier. Kamalier. A Kamalier. Samalier Kamalier. Kamalier. Kamalier. Kamalier. All right, so this one's coming from...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Tedkin Jr. We're doing players that actually made it to the Super Bowl, unlike your fucking boy Tom Brown. I mean, that guy is done, dude. He's got six or seven years left. Wow. As long as Gronk. If they can just fuse them into one mega player,

I feel like that would be the idea. Gronk just seems like a bionic person. He'll catch the ball for 30 yards, he's like lying down on the side sidelines getting massaged until they need him again he comes in grabs one then they're like screwing his arm back on it's true he's like mutant league football you see him on those sidelines like snorting oxygen getting fucking his hammies rubbed out because he tore one and there he's like i'm fine move there's like all trying to strap him down screwing on his neck correctly gronk hungry for ball oh he's out there remember that fourth and five where he brady just

fucking threw it to him and he caught it in between two guys i think the guy like almost hit the ball away and gronk just fucking with two fingers caught it in between two guys. I think the guy almost hit the ball away, and Gronk just fucking, with two fingers, kept it in. God, he's fucking incredible. All right. See, that's what you get when you root against the Patriots. Now you don't get to see Gronk in the Super Bowl. That would have been fun. That's okay.

I don't want to see Gronk happy. All right. He's still good. Yeah, yeah. Just so you know. He's the best. Yeah. All right.

Dear Jake and Amir, is this from a guy or girl? It's a guy. All right, cool. Just so you know. He's the best. Yeah. All right. Dear Jake and Amir. Is this from a guy or girl? It's a guy. All right, cool. What did you say? Ted Ginn Jr. Ted Ginn Jr. writes, My name is Ted Ginn Jr. Oh.

And recently I ran into a problem that I need some help to solve. Okay. Last night I got carry out from my favorite Chinese place from my hometown where I rarely get to eat. The problem is that when I left my order, I gave them my last name. This is common for me as my first name is incredibly common, and I try to avoid the possible confusion. However, when the lady, who I know to be the owner, heard me say my last name, she thought I said Scott, which unsurprisingly is way different than my actual last name. I tried to say no, but she had already turned around and was in the Gin Jr.

I'll give her shit. came out with my food, confirmed my number, and I got my food without any more snags. My question is this, what is the best name to leave for a carryout order? It should probably be something that everyone knows as a name, but isn't common enough to be repeated. I'm thinking of Ricardo as a pretty good name, but I don't want to have any features that would indicate I'm even a little bit Latino. Sorry, but I don't have any features that would indicate that I'm even a little bit Latino. I definitely think the perfect carryout name would be at least two syllables or Ricardo. Why? Why does he want Ricardo? As any single syllable names can easily get slurred. Thanks, Edgin Jr.

Tedgin Jr. Tedgin Jr. All right. What's the difference between carryout and takeout? It's the same? Yeah. Is it like an East Coast, West Coast thing? Maybe so.

Okay. I have this problem. Is that why you chose the question? It was one of the reasons why I chose it. I chose it because I thought it was pretty funny, but every time that we go anywhere and they ask you to leave a name, you leave mine. Right.

So I'll either, especially when I'm calling in, I'm talking on the phone like all right party of eight what's your name i'll just say ben because if i say amir people will hear i'm ear right ear no no amir amir no yeah not amir never mind ben ben ricardo shit i don't care ricardo. He could just be Richard. It needs to be Ricardo. Perfect.

So why is a single syllable name? First of all, this isn't even like, it didn't seem like that was a problem. The girl just misheard the name. Everything was fine. He got his food without any more snags. And he got someone fired for it. I'll give her shit later. There's only one snag. What name to give for takeout?

Yeah, you do want a name that can't be misheard. This is why when I go to Starbucks, I will oftentimes do Josh or Bob. Bob, I think, is the perfect name because you don't want a two-syllable name. That's two opportunities to fuck it up. Bob is the perfect name because it's so easy to hear and spell and say and also very uncommon. And the only time I ever really regretted it was at Starbucks in Penn Station, where everyone was calling me Bob. For the rest of the trip. Yeah. It's like, Bob, your card was declined. Like, oh, shit. Sorry. Yeah, there's no... Here,

you try this one. And then they're like, Bob, your coffee. And then they're like, Bob, your croissant. And then I went back up and I was like, this actually isn't my coffee. And they were like, oh, sorry about that, Bob. Yeah. It was... Whose name is Bob? Not enough people. Bob's a great name. Bob was my dog's first name. My first dog's name. And my second dog's second name. Bob is great. Like even... Like Bob is such a common name that nobody has. Yeah. Like it's such a common name, but I don't know a Bob. And you don't know, yeah, you don't know Bob because they go, their names are Robert. You know, Robs or Robby.

Yeah. You even know a Bobby. But nobody goes by Bob. And that's why Bob is the perfect name for takeout. Here's another good name. It's also a likable name. Yeah, it's true. Everyone likes a Bob.

Here's another good name. Two syllables, like this guy wanted. I'll give him another option. Another super common name that nobody has. I like this name, actually. I might actually name my child this name because I like it. Simon. Simon. Yeah. Okay. It's clear. Simon Blumenfeld. Yeah, and it sounds like a wise Jewish man.

That kid will be you. he'll grow up to be a wife i could be simon you definitely could be because i look like simon the chipmunk yeah oh wow yeah you basically shouldn't be a mirror oh fuck simon schmuel the chipmunk all right there's also some there's something to be. I was just thinking of the name finesse. Oh. You know, like finesse Mitchell. Sure, of course. But like something like that, that's an actual word, and nobody's named that.

But you know that word. That's too close to what global does, which is like say global. And then people are like, what are you talking about? Right, yeah. So I'll be like finesse. You're like, what? How do I find finesse? How do I spell that? That's not your name but how do i

spell it and it's hard to spell that's true simon and bob two good options because it's also there's no multiple spellings there's only one way to spell simon and one way can you imagine them spelling bob incorrectly at starbucks p-o-b pop pop i'm pop pablo oh yeah like if your name is pablo and it's short for bob yeah that's kind of cool though pablo is another good one um yeah all right that was a good non non-relationship question thank you the next one is a little bit of a relationship question but pass okay that's fair. Dude. All right. Guy or girl's name? It's a guy. Emmanuel Sanders.

Emmanuel Sanders writes, So I found myself in a sticky situation. Literally sticky. I'm in quicksand and dying. I'm a junior in high school, and I've been with my girlfriend for about nine months. She's a total smoke show, and we are successfully rounding third base. However, that is where my problem has arisen.

We recently got on the subject of anal, and she said that I better put a finger in that dung dyke to loosen her up. Jesus! I'm sure she didn't put it like that. I have already listened to your episode featuring Thomas Middleditch, and I agreed that I was willing to put a lot of things up there, just not my tongue. When I did put my finger in her butt, I started to feel around. I felt a groove, and I started to play around with it.

Usually, grooves are good for pleasure. To my horror, when I pulled out my finger, I realized the groove was a piece of human feces. Holy shit, right? She could tell I was disturbed, but I told her it was nothing and went to go wash my hands. A little later, we decided to 69, as we had never tried. I'm sure you're aware that the anus is pretty close to the vagina.

So throughout the entire session, I got wave after wave of a shitty odor. I may not have been a kiss-ass, but I was definitely a brown-noser. Nice. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. And now I don't know what to do. I'm scared to do anal because what if I get poop on my dick? I swear I can still smell it on my

finger. Please advise me out of this fecal fiasco. Sorry for the long email. Emmanuel Sanders. What's his problem? He just described a bad situation. What is he asking me? I guess, please advise me out of this.

You don't have to have anal, especially at age 16. Yeah, I feel like I heard this recently, and maybe throughout my life, that people are saying, oh, we'll have anal because that's not actually sex. Yeah, like saving myself, saving my vagina for Jesus. It's an incredibly intimate sexual act. It's sex. It's called anal sex. Yeah.

So, I mean, I don't think you should do that in lieu of sex because you're too afraid to have sex and you'd rather have anal. Yeah. It sounds of sex because you're too afraid to have sex and you'd rather have anal yeah it sounds like he's not really mature enough to have angel anal yeah angel that's how much you like it you call it angel sex angel anal and angel actually anal sex to me is like caviar like you don't feed it to a high schooler and be like i hope for i hope you like fish eggs yeah you have to give it to a foodieer and be like, I hope you like fish eggs. You have to give it to a foodie that had everything eight times and he's like, now let's try.

That's a really great way to describe anal. And it's so true. And I love feeling a little high class for Lexi as much as I do. Because you're eating, you're spreading shit on mini toasts. No, it's not shit. But it does, the analogy is also complete because I dislike caviar. Yeah.

And I love it. And I fuck caviar all the time. I wouldn't want fish eggs, nor would I want male or human eggs, which I imagine what comes out of females' buttholes. I do also think that like, it's not anal sex,

probably isn't about exploring the ridges on the buttholes. I do also think that like, it's not anal sex. Anal sex probably isn't about exploring the ridges on the butthole. That was an interesting thing. He said grooves usually lead to pleasure. I guess that is like an interesting theory. Because like nipples and clitori and even peni all have bumps. They're all like little anomalies on an otherwise smooth surface. The idea of it is, I thought it was like grooved condoms. Oh, like ribbed. Yeah, like it's

the grooved things sliding over your pleasure areas. It's not like finding a ridge on something and rubbing it. But it is. No, it's friction touching the sensitive things. Like your clit is a sensitive... Your clit.

My clit. It's a sensitive part of the vagina. So like rubbing it with something grooved with like... But a clit is a... An instrument or tool. We're two cavemen trying to explain sex a nipple is like a bump on a smooth surface

a clit is also a little bump a little button if you will a dick is a little bump it is a bottle mine's a fucking big ass bump let me tell you a little something. Jesus, you're so insecure.

I didn't even mention the size of any dick, let alone yours. You know what? Your dick is small. Look at this. Oh! Inverted. It's a peanut.

It's a bodily anomaly. A bodily... I love my shelf. it's a bodily anomaly a bodily I love my shelf a bodily anomaly um named Amelie yeah that's right a hot tamale

and I think it's a evolutionary thing that allowed blind people to climax which was an evolutionary advantage. Those with nipples that didn't come out were... This is the worst education podcast ever. Eventually selected out of, naturally, of course, evolutionarily speaking,

because nobody could touch their nipples or arouse them. So those people eventually died off. You're putting nipples to Braille. Not Braille per se, but yeah, it was an evolutionary advantage that allowed them to procreate and eventually recreate into the perfect human that you see today. Simon. Simon. I am Simon. I am Simon. Surge and Simon.

Surge dude, man. Yo, Surge dude, let's play guess who, dude. Dude. Dude, you have rosy cheeks, dude. I fucking lost the build card, dude. Surge, does your character have a hat, dude? Is it George, dude? Oh, shit, is it a lady are you Claire dude

dude you're Susan you're Claire alright you go Serge my guy's wearing glasses dude his name's Tom dude dude it's Franz I swear to fucking god dude does he have bumpy hair dude are you Alfred dude I know

all these people how do I still know them Claire is the lady with a hat yeah the pearls I know all these people. How do I still know them? Claire is the lady with a hat. Yeah. The pearls. Alfred is the red-headed redneck almost. With the goatee. Yeah, he has long red hair and a handlebar mustache.

Franz is bumpy-haired black guy. Or black-haired bumpy. Black bumpy hair. I'm going to give you a quiz. Okay. Which Gus Who character are you, dude? Interesting. Dude, let's take to give you a quiz. Okay. Which Gus who character are you, dude? Interesting. Dude, let's take this BuzzFeed quiz, dude.

Can you describe... What color are you, sir? Can you describe Peter? Peter, dude? Yeah. I know he has white hair, man, right? Peter is... No, George is the one with the hat. Peter...

Oh, Peter's the old guy with like half little half glasses oh no i think that was herman herman does no i thought herman was bald this is peter oh yeah peter was the looks like a russian man melting yeah um he looks like rodney dangerfield yeah there's actually yeah yeah, there's another. Oh, wow. Oh, the best character of all time is Bill. Bill is the one with the egg head. His cranium is the shape of an egg.

Yeah. It looks like a guitar pick, dude. This isn't for anybody listening because I'm just Googling guess who characters, but I could do this all night. All right, should we choose another question? Yeah. All right. Okay. uh all right should we choose another question yeah um all right okay here we go oh canada um oh this one's kind of fun oh wait actually let's take a break oh yeah all right fair enough, let's take a break. Oh, yeah. All right. Fair enough. We'll take a break and come back with more questions, dude. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but

ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off

your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

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Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back. Let's Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. our friend Lewis's crocheting endeavor. Right. Lewis is the guy that made little crochet dolls of not only us, but Thomas and Ben and Rose and the Twinnovation dudes. And Cheryl. Oh, yeah, and Cheryl. I think we've posted them. We've posted them somewhere. I think on my Instagram account. Oh, yeah.

All right. They exist. So you guys can look these up and see how cute they are. The Twinnovation ones look awesome. I'll Snapchat it. Oh, that's All right. They exist. So, you guys can look these up and see how cute they are. The Twinnovation ones look awesome. I'll Snapchat it. Oh, that's a great idea. Snapchat, Amir Bloom, A-M-I-R-B-L-O-O-M. And hey, don't forget, JakeDeman85. I'm going to Snapchat it too. Actually,

I'll Snapchat a Snapchat of you Snapchatting it. Oh, that's good. That way we're all Snapchatting. Yeah. So, you can follow our stories. Exactly. Anywho, now that we've adequately promoted ourselves, you guys should check out crocheting101.com. That is crocheting spelled the normal way, which you all know how to do. It's basically, it looks like you're spelling crocheting. Crochetting.

C-R-O-C-H-e-t-i-n-g 101.com uh it'll take you to lewis's kickstarter you can check out the video you can see what he's up to and the best part of all the um if you are a certain kind of donator you can actually get the little crocheted versions of us which are really cute yeah of or of anyone it says for 50 he'll make a custom character oh well shit no you want to do it of me or me uh so check oh man he has a little crochet yoda yeah mario they're all cute it's a cute little gift lewis mesinger menzinger who's a cool dude he went went to, I think, our San Francisco show. Yeah, he was at our San Francisco show. Cool.

So check out crocheting101.com. And then I think that's all we wanted to talk about right now. Was that it? I got nothing else. How was your weekend? My weekend? Shit. I got so high with my entire family.

What? It was gone. Amazing gone i went up north and we all robo tripped that's cool and yeah we ended up in joshua tree we haven't had a podcast where we talked about your party that we had oh that's true well what's there to say we were surrounded by our family and friends that was fucking an epic night man what happened trash plastered uh i was just trashed gone plastered wasted and done dude it was crazy you woke up and we had switched ages yeah how i am 33 how crazy fucked up do you have to get you know what i i do you remember that i climbed down the balcony no because i wasn't't you didn't see that yeah badass you'll ask anybody here they had already left everybody was gone yeah everyone was gone at that point but it definitely happened yeah um we i snapchatted a

lot of people trying to do a push-up or i'm sorry a pull-up with jake nordwind on their back yeah i tried it yeah did you try it no because i saw billy unable to do it and-up or, sorry, a pull-up. With Jake Nordwind on their back. Yeah. I tried it. Yeah. Did you try it? No, because I saw Billy unable to do it. And I was like, oh, if he can't do it, then I shouldn't try. Oh, see, I saw the opposite. I saw Billy unable to do it.

And I said, this is my chance. Jake jumped on your back and you collapsed. And you're like, oh, wait. I really thought I had a chance because I'd been doing pull-ups at the gym with a weight belt on. Yeah. Turns out the weight belt was less than 150 pounds. Yeah. Just, but only by a little. Weird. I think the pull-ups were definitely the highlight. That was your highlight. Yeah. Or the low light of your toilet overflowing. Oh, you know what's funny? I don't even remember the toilet overflowing. Do you remember water coming out from outside that's the one that's like the you know

you sort of have that like snap to sobriety like really quick like you have to take action on something it's almost like your subconscious like a human emerging from a lake i've got two little like i've got two snippets of memory of that which is first my friend Nate telling me that my toilet was clogged. And he's like, I think he did it. And I love him to death. No hard feelings. I think he said, like, I clogged your toilet. Or maybe he said somebody clogged your toilet. And I was just like, oh, yeah, don't worry. I don't remember. Water just dripping onto you. But to me, it was all fine. And I also sort of remember peeing on top of the paper and being like, don't flush it. It's clogged, but you could pee there.

And that was fine. And then the next thing I remember, I was smoking a cigar on the back patio. A cigar. And there's water. And someone was like, is that your bathroom? And then we all ran upstairs. And all of my towels were on the ground. And they were like, I don't remember who was in there, but thank you, the brave individuals

who were just like, they had used all of my bath mats and all my towels to make a blockade. Yeah, the first responders. And then we had it under control. It wasn't going anymore. So we went back to the party. To the cigar. Yeah, which I did finish. What's the deal with cigars?

They're nice. Is it like, it's not quite weed, but it's not quite a cigarette. Yeah, you don't... Does it get you high? Why do people like cigars? It gives you like a little buzz, like a little like, you know, in the same way that a cigarette does. But like the equivalent of more than one cigarette? Maybe so, because you smoke a lot more. But you also don also don't you don't inhale what do you mean you don't inhale

you don't inhale the smoke from a cigar what you just sort of swish it around in your mouth like a wine what it has a taste and a flavor and it's like so you fill your mouth with smoke and then you exhale or not then you blow it out so what if you do inhale it like you do a cigarette you'll cough a lot it's very you don't you don't want to do that oh so it's more like i want to fill my mouth with the smell the taste of smoke yeah that sounds disgusting that's like yeah it's like just like just wrap your mouth around this exhaust pipe and have it fill your mouth with smoke. Well, it's all, you know.

What about hookah? Are you supposed to inhale that? Yeah, yeah, you inhale the hookah. So cigar is the only thing you don't inhale? Maybe, maybe, I'm not sure. But I do, you inhale the hookah. You inhale cigarettes. So when Clinton stuck it in Lewinsky's cooch

and took a nice little pop, pop, pop, he was actually tasting her little, her labes. I don't think he smoked the cigar. I think he put it in her and then smelled it. Oh, he smelled it. And he's like, actually, because she was Cuban. Oh, interesting. She's not actually Cuban.

I'm like sorry to harp on this but like how fucking hot must that have been for Lewinsky I know it was like a little fucked up

because Clinton cheated on his wife and it was all you know you know his wife is that girl that's doing the president thing now

of course yeah that's her I get it so when he like can you imagine like fucking the president doing that to you?

In the Oval Office. That's so hot. Yeah, she must have been so wet. Dude, and he must have been so fucking turned on. He's like, I'm the president. I'm the fucking, I am El Capitan. I am the executive officer, the commander in chief. How old was she, I wonder?

Oh, I don't know. Yeah, maybe it's a little fucked up. I think she was in her 20s. can you imagine like so like so slick billy he's like in his he's in his early 50s at that point yeah yeah i think she was in her 20s but like it meant because like lewinsky wasn't like the hottest girl at your high school so like if lewinsky went to your high school you'd be like oh fucking lewinsky got like a fucking internship at the white house do you know what happened i heard fucking something crazy about lewinsky yeah monica you know monica yeah she was in my stats class uh bill clinton stuck a cigar in her pussy right he did that to

lewis nobody at my high school would fuck lewinsky and she got clinton dude she was cute how'd you get Clinton she's cute she can get it but she wasn't like you know she wasn't Kelly Bundy yeah well Clinton wasn't JFK oh come on Clinton's a man dude you're you're a slut-shaming Bill I'm not mad that Bill did it I'm mad that i'm i think he could have done better than lewinsky that's not true they're on the same level yeah she's kind of a fox now that i look at her yeah she's a fox but i i bet at the same time if you if a if you went to high school cute if you went to high school with lewinsky let me know that she wasn't like the hot girl in your high school all right here's part two uh she looks better now than she did

back then uh do you know i want to know a good match for her would be bernard from guess who oh interesting i actually think yeah bernard b. Bernard the sad Russian? Yeah. You think everyone in the game's Russian? Well, isn't he? Oh, yeah, he does look Russian. And what about Bob? I actually might have been, a.k.a. sad Robert. Robert, I think, is the way to go.

Yeah. He's got the rosy cheeks, dude. Yeah. And him and Lewinsky actually could get it on. And then imagine Lewinsky. I mean, she's probably on Raya, if not Bumble or Tinder. Imagine matching with Lewinsky. Dude, I...

She's going on dates, and the guy's like, so, what's your sexual history? Has the president ever stuck a cigar up your poos? Eric the cop? I'm under arrest. I don't know if there's a funnier guess who search than eric yeah and everyone in guess who is just dressed normally and then eric decided he couldn't he's yeah wearing his uniform he's a police officer right uh okay everyone listen fucking

robert's a mailman you don't see him wearing that outfit on the guess who portraiture he had the he had the audacity to keep his fucking hat on we get it eric christ christ eric you don't see franz who's a neurosurgeon wearing a a stethoscope god lewinsky seriously though if you went to high school with lewinsky this podcast has completely gotten away with us. Because you're looking at Lewinsky, and I'm just looking at a Guess Who board. Who's the big, tall, intellectual, bald guy with the brown beard? Richard. Yeah, Richard is like a psychologist.

It's funny. Yeah, Richard. So if we were playing Guess Who, I'd be like, does your guy look like a psychologist? Oh, you were thinking of Paul when you were talking about Peter. The one with the half glasses? Yeah. Yeah, the. So if we were playing guess who, I'd be like, does your guy look like a psychologist? Oh, you were thinking of Paul when you were talking about Peter. The one with like the half glasses? Yeah. Yeah, the sweet old man. Who's married to Susan, the white haired lady.

Oh, yeah. Who's actually Lewinsky's mom. I could see that. Susan Lewinsky. Yeah. Did you say you had a question before we went to break? Yes. Okay.

All right, let's read it. Okay. Who's it from? Keekly. Luke Keekly. Luke Keekly writes, So, I've been with my girlfriend for three years straight.

Of course, in that time, we had our ups and downs. She always had the fear that I would leave her for another girl. She always felt so uncomfortable with herself. I accepted all of her and I love her to death. Always make her smile and happy. Of course, I had party situations where she found out and got mad at me, but she knows that I would never do anything, but she knows that I would never do anything to hurt her. Now, after three years of relationship, we decided to, she decided to leave me after I had to go to another part of the country for three months. I've been texting her with sometimes no response or a cold response.

The last time she answered me, she only told me, I told you I was not comfortable a while ago. You're getting hung up on this relationship. That was two days ago, and I can't send her text because she's not interested. What is going on? Is this a poem? I don't know if English is his first language. Okay. So you can understand better the deal. I am better looking than her. She was the one who told me first that she liked me, and I agreed because I did like her personality.

Now, after three years of a cool relationship where I go out for just three months out of states, she does that. I also ask her if she was seeing somebody else and she told me, you can think whatever you want. Don't look for a reason or reasonables. This is not working. I don't know if she's scared of me being in another part of the country or I don't know. I would love to get her back. I'm not happy right now. What do you guys think? Sounds like this guy's getting dumped, if not already dumped. He is, but he's been dumped. I was surprised by this question because it sounds like he is getting out of a relationship and it's a very good thing. He was not attracted to her initially. He thinks he's better looking than her. And the entire time she hasn't let him go to parties.

Yeah. And now he's leaving to another part of the country entire time, she hasn't let him go to parties. Yeah. And now he's leaving to another part of the country. And her breaking up with him is the best thing that could ever happen. Every time a relationship ends, it's good. Because it means one person doesn't like the other person. So you're either not into a different person, and that's good for you. Or someone's not into you, and you don't want to be into them. And that's a good thing, too. That's why whenever anybody tells me they broke up i say congratulations yeah

every time i didn't it's like oh actually my fiance was murdered last night then you shouldn't have said broke up fucker sorry for your loss but you misspoke i'm keeping the congrats i'm keeping the mazalto by the way i just told you I was recently single. I didn't say a breakup. I see. I'm sorry, I said. Let's start from square one, then. Yeah, there's the hardest thing, even harder than being single and wanting to be with somebody, is being in a shitty relationship because you have to fight just to be single

just to be in a no relationship you have to go through a breakup and breakups are the hard part yeah but if someone breaks up with you congrats dude that's winning the lottery yeah you didn't have to anguish how do i do it when do i do it how will they react oh no i'm the bad guy you got blindsided and that's a good place to be yeah you get to be mad at them it's like dying peacefully in your sleep rather than like languishing with uh with a disease eating your body yeah it's like kevorkian actually allowing to kill you in a in a merciless way that's a full way which way means no pain merciful merciless you get to torture you okay show me no mercy have i want to go out like a viking hero that i am tickle me to death

kevorkian do your best do your worst um i want to be broken up with. Have you never been broken up with, right? You've never been dumped? I've been like mini broken up with, like a couple dates and then no, or like a few weeks and then a ghosting of sorts where it's like, I don't know what happened. But I've never been like multi-year relationship, sit me down, I'm blindsided, everything was going great and what the fuck is happening what you thought was gonna happen yeah i don't like yeah yeah that's gotta be a really weird and i've never had like the months of like i can't eat i can't drink i can't think

of anything but her yeah i usually have that when i'm entering a relationship my most neurotic and stressed when i'm like beginning something i'm like oh fuck if i fall for this person then they can hurt me and then i'll be vulnerable and i'm scared i'm gonna let oh fuck i'm gonna let this person in i have to all right i'm so worried all the time yeah and then and then we break down all the walls everything's great then i'm like all right deuces like wait a second and i was like oh i already broke up with you in the beginning don't you get it i got that out of the way we broke up i was heartbroken for six months when we were first dating i wrote you every day for a year when we were together don't you remember our third date we went to a diner and i was fucking sobbing uncontrollably so this guy has to look on the bright side be

optimistic glass half full things are great things are good for you you don't have to worry about anybody else this girl for whatever reason is not interested in you anymore even though you're better looking than her and now you don't have to be in a long distance relationship yeah this other part of the country, which is great. You can swipe. It's time to download a dating app. I will no longer freely promote except for Louis Crochang 101 Guess Who and Surge Energy Drink. Surge, dude.

Surge, dude. One more question? Sure. I have a short one. Yeah, let's do a short one because we're already getting close to the edge. All right. This one's from a gal. A lady.

A lady named Cameron. Cameron. Kirk Cameron. Cameron Newton. Candace Cameron. Oh, that's people that will be in the Super Bowl, correct? Cam Newton writes, Hey, Amir and Jake.

I feel like no one ever switches it up. I was wondering when is the right time to ask slash have the conversation to get a key to my boyfriend's house? We've been together five months. Say I love you and we always end up with each other, usually at his house at the end of the day. Because of that, I feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's not like I'm moving in. Also, are we ever going to talk about that time Amir was in Harold and Kumar?

Listening since day one, Cam Newton. So, yeah, let's talk about the movie. God, I feel like we totally haven't addressed the elephant in the room. You were in a feature film? Yeah. Wait, which one? The White Castle one? The, yeah, the third, well, not the white castle one the yeah the third well not the white castle one cool still yeah i guess uh you were in a movie anyway i don't think you ask for the key i

think you just have to create situations that will most conveniently require you to have a key yeah so leave something out of place oh can i have a key well all right two options uno can i have your key yeah no oh no my option sorry you were actually in the middle of talking so i'll just let you finish i was gonna say like make it so like oh can i have your key i need to pick up something that i left at your house oh you're away from work oh this is so annoying you know it would be easier yada yada yada right you don't turn it into like this milestone relationship conversation because that might scare him and i've got the perfect solution a skeleton key a skeleton in the closet a skeleton key that opens

up every every lock every door every every safe in the city, and nobody has it except for me. He gets home, and guess what? What? You slit your wrist in his bed. Why? I don't know. I'm sorry for your breakup. Darkest thing I could think of.

The second fiance we killed in three minutes. This is how you do it. It's Friday night, okay? And the feelings are right. Where uh where's the party on the west side right you make him a key you turn him into a key what the fuck are you talking about you don't have to make him a key okay so then what you're dating a key no let's hear this through because so many times i would cut you off and call you an idiot. But I know I'm fascinated to hear your boyfriend is now a fucking...

You make a copy of your house key and you give it to him. Got it. And say I made you a house key. Got it, got it, got it. Don't you ever talk to me like that again. All right, all right, all right. I misheard you for a second. Misheard me?

You misread me. i know i don't think there's no way if you were let's just fucking spitball i don't want that idea if he was a fucking key fine fine you take him and what do you do you i guess you have a pizza date. You grind him down. To the, yeah. His whole body? Yeah, his whole body will become a key. Okay. And then suddenly you're at a movie date and you're sharing a grape soda. And then you use him to get inside of a, huh, he's a key. Technically he's the key to, he would be, you would make him the key.

Nice. Suddenly you're dating the key. And then you don't have to ask for the key because he would be you would make him the key nice suddenly you're dating the key and then you don't have to ask for the key because he has the key you are the key to my heart yeah hold the key to my heart only a key can get into my heart there's no room for human beings in my heart only keys in my heart may be in my heart yeah that's right this has been if I were you an advice podcast there is a gas leak and we're starting

to hallucinate for lack of a better word yeah in an hour and a half somebody will be able to listen to

that weird key thing if you or someone you know has a question for us we promise to answer it

we answer every single one of our 15,000 questions slowly but surely over the course of an eon. But we'll get to it, I promise. I promise too. Or at the very least, we'll read it. Or maybe not. But we'll consider it for sure.

That email address is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song, once again, was written by Jack Doyle. This closing one was written by Max Began. Began? Began. Began. We'll just call him Simon. It's going to be easier. Thanks, Jack. Thanks, Max. Thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back next Monday. Peace. I would too. next Monday. Peace. I would do. Here's what I would do. Wow. Wow. And that's the only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by Amir Blumenfeld and Jake Horowitz. If I were you. That was a HeadGum Podcast. I would too