Segments - 196: Don't Do That

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

In this episode we discuss tattoo removal, time travel, and the first HeadGum Podcast Festival in Austin, TX! This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Leesa.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. It's Jake and Amir, killing themselves in a Starbucks sense. Yeah, it's Jake and Amir, being a beast in that regard and protecting our enemy. And if I were you, I would take their advice. Because Amir's a Jew and Jake's never had such the same person twice. Alright. Hey! Still clapping. That was fun. That was a good theme song. Never had such a distinct twice. All right. Hey. Still clapping.

That was fun. That was a good theme song. You guys, welcome to the podcast. I am your host, Jake, with you. Are you in a rush? No, I decided I'm going to kind of lead this one. All right. I'm going to host it.

Okay. You just got to tell me who did the song. Joseph Signa. Joseph Signa. Thank you for the song. Joseph Signa. Joseph Signa. Thank you for the song. As always, we are loving the theme songs coming in from the fans. We start every episode with a brand new theme song. That one came to you from Joseph Signa.

What is the show, you ask? He has a band camp we need to promote. All right. Well, dude, you got to kind of give me that shit. Yeah. JosephSigna.BandCamp.com. All right. Don't shit yeah josephsigna.bandcamp.com all right don't steamroll me josephsigna.bandcamp.com uh welcome to the podcast this is fun i can be the host you don't have to say this is fun usually we just talk about it and if if it's fun i'm gonna

host it i'm gonna host it okay uh the welcome to if i You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I am your host, Jake. And I'm Amir. It's funny, I didn't know that I was hosting it before. I didn't realize how much work I did until you tried to take it over. Right. It's pretty crazy. Yeah.

It's so relaxing when I just sit here and let you say everything. Yeah, this is great. Let's keep it going. So, what is the podcast? Yeah. Every week... Well, usually we have a little banter before we get into the discussion. Let's keep it going. So, what is the podcast? Yeah. Every week... Well, usually we have a little banter before we get into the discussion. How's your week going?

What? How's your week going? It's Sunday night. This is literally the end of the week. Then how is your week gone? I don't correct you every step of the way. Okay. The week was good.

I'm in a shit mood. You host. How was the week? Oh, this is something I wanted to talk to you about. I guess we're coming back on Thursday, so we will have one episode this week before the Super Bowl. But I think I'm ready to make my decision slash consolation. Whoa. all right.

Yeah. Because you know that I want to bet on Carolina. Yeah. So I did some soul searching. Okay. Yeah. And I've decided that I will take the Broncos to win. Just straight up?

Yeah. Why? Couple reasons. One, I had the favorite in the first super bowl and i lost then in the second one it was a pick them no spread at all and i lost so i figured let's switch it up a little bit i'll go for the underdog maybe i'll i'll change my luck by by taking the underdog well two uh eighty percent of the bets i read online are coming in for Carolina. And usually when the public has a huge favorite like that, they're wrong. That is to say, Denver will probably keep it close.

It's more likely that Carolina will win. But it's not going to be the blowout that everyone thinks it will be. Yeah, everyone's betting, betting, betting on Carolina, where the line even moved. Denver is now getting six points. So I should be getting six points. Wow. But I'm willing to lay that down. You should be, is Denver plus six?

Denver plus six, yeah. Man, that is a huge spread. Now you're willing to give me some points. No, now I want Denver. No, I'll take the bet. Would you rather have Carolina or Denver plus six? I don't know. Denver plus six is kind of tempting.

Right, because if it's close, you win. Yeah. Either way. Right. And even though Carolina's been scoring, it feels like they score a ton in the first half and not so much in the second. And I trust Peyton Manning to at least try to mount a comeback let's do let's do straight up i i get carolina you get the broncos

okay shake on it yeah this is it's happening now here we go it was the really small shake it was a tiny we pinched each other crab claws uh all right what is this show actually this is if i were you it's an advice podcast it's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i know i already said that uh people email us they are in dire consequences dire situations i mean not consequences they're facing dire fuck me they're facing dire consequences they're in! They're facing dire consequences. They're in sticky situations. And they need our advice. The email they email

is ifireyoushow at gmail.com What's the email they email? They email us at an email, ifireyoushow at gmail.com And this is what we do. We help it's that easy let us begin uh

this first person let's just make up a name for him uh i'll start yeah uh standing dan standing dan standing dan standing dan hey dan what you doing over there? I'm standing over there, Dan. I'm just standing over here. What do you do then, Dan? Standing. What do you do then, Dan? I'll strangle someone, and then I'm just standing. Who that, Dan? I strangled a person in that, but now I'm just standing. What do you do then, Dan?

I kill people, but then I stand. Why you done do that, Dan, Dan? Why do I stand? Why do you done Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan? Oh, why do I strangle them now? Why do you done Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan? Oh, why do I strangle them now? Why did you Dan strangle Dan? Dan. Hey guys, love the show.

I'm not exactly your target age, I think. Anyway, here's my sticky situation. God, even thinking about it now makes me cringe. Ooh, I love it already. I was talking to my friend this morning. We were talking about how chat apps sometimes have weird bugs in them. He told me that one time he was flicking through some old photos in a WhatsApp group chat, and another friend who was also in that same group was suddenly getting notifications as though those old photos were being sent again. My face turned

completely red when he told me this, because suddenly I realized that I've been flicking through old photos of my ex-girlfriend a lot. I mean, way too much. It's not like I'm obsessed or anything. We broke up over a year ago, and I'm doing just fine, and I'm sure she's doing fine too, but sometimes when I'm home alone, I get a little nostalgic, and I open up old chats on WhatsApp, and I look at the photos. These photos aren't too raunchy or anything. Well, maybe a little bit. Oh my god, I'm mortified that she would have gotten notifications whenever I'd be looking at her old photos. What do you guys think I should do? Should I call her and try to gauge whether she's noticed anything? Is there anything I can say to make me look less lurky? We haven't been in touch much much after we broke up so every

bit of contact is very awkward at least at first thanks stand and dan stand and dan uh that's really funny i remember when like even relatively recently sometimes like i still feel this way but like when you send a text to somebody, like sometimes it goes to the wrong person. What do you mean? You ever had that happen to you? Like a glitch? Like send a text to Jeff and it'll go to Marty or something.

What? Never. Why? Never. It's happened to me before, a long time ago. Like you're not accidentally sending a text? No, I'm responding to a text or no, I'm'm not. Like, it's usually a brand new text. I type it out.

Say I type it to you. Yeah. And it will just go to someone else that I've texted recently. What? It's happened to me twice in my life. And it's not you saying, accidentally, I sent you to Marty. I accidentally sent it to someone else. Right, no, it's not that.

You sent it to me, and it was delivered to a different phone number and not to my phone number? Yes. Okay. It's happened to me before. I skeptically okay it. It's 100% happened. But it's really scary.

It's very scary to the point where even now, like when I write a text that's like raunchy or something, I'm like a little nervous that it's not gonna go that it's gonna do the thing where it goes to someone else yeah well this is a wire gets crossed this is another thing which is like read receipts a lot of apps uh have read receipts which is kind of dangerous like i know whatsapp has like it's been delivered and then another one that says it's been read right and you can't really get i don't know if you can get rid of that i don't use whatsapp enough but even i message text messages a lot

of people have not a lot but some have read receipts yeah you can tell when something's been read yeah which is a dangerous game yeah turn off your read receipts folks that's read receipts are for like parents who don't know how to turn it off right and like uh people in loving relationships that have nothing to hide. Yeah, but even- Like a lot of married friends I know have read receipts. It's true. That's like when you have kids. I don't even know.

I'll always keep my read receipts off. I don't care how loving a relationship I get in. The one last semblance of freedom I have is that you don't know when I've read your message. Everything else is an open book. I want the room to lie, like if I just felt like doing something else. Yeah, I didn't get your text until now. Like a girlfriend texts you like, hey, what do you want for dinner?

But I was like on my way to McDonald's or something. Yeah, and then I'll respond in half an hour and say I ate. Yeah, exactly. But if there's a read receipt, it's like, wait, you ate? Why didn't you respond when you read it? Yeah, you gotta be careful with the read receipts. Fear the read receipts.

Stan and Dan, I don't think he is in a position where he needs to tell his girlfriend. Right. No, definitely not. I think, like, if she knows, then she knows, and calling won't help. And if she doesn't know, then calling makes it infinitely worse. And chances are she doesn't know.

Because you can also hide behind the fact that this app is glitchy. Right. Off chance she texts you and she's like, this is so weird. WhatsApp has been sending me these pictures. Are you resending them? And then you say, oh my God, that's so weird. I'm getting the same thing.

I thought they were from you. It's weird. And I always get it. Saturday night at 145. You know, the saddest time. Is there a sadder time than Saturday at 145? No big deal. I'm very good.

I just, sometimes when I'm alone, feel nostalgic. You meant to write lonely. lonely lonely and or horny just reading your fucking old whatsapp chats checking the checking the pictures that were sent to you although if she if if an ex an ex got like if you got read receipts that said like your ex-girlfriend is looking at photos of you you wouldn't be mad or anything i wouldn't be no not mad you wouldn't be creeped out i would feel bad for them right which i'm sure this guy doesn't want his girlfriend to feel sorry for him yeah but then what do you reply hey by the way don't feel sorry for me i'm just uh sometimes nostalgic yeah no no just i you can she doesn't

know this is happening and if if like what i'm yeah she doesn't know this is happening and if if like what i'm yeah she doesn't know this is happening uh even if she is getting those alerts alerts she doesn't know that it's happening yeah it's either she's getting the alerts and she's like i wonder what's going on or it's not coming in and chances are just because it happened to your friend once, it's not definitely happening to your girlfriend. This feels like one of those situations where you jump to the worst possible conclusion and then assume that it happened. Yeah, then you call to not even apologize, but just gauge whether she noticed anything. It's like, hey, what's up? She's acting pissed, but you're actually acting sketchy

have you noticed anything just i don't know generally i'm just trying to gauge whether yeah dude you're really weirding me out i knew it no the phone call is not the fact that you've been oh yes i have noticed that you've been looking at photos at 201 a.m on a friday night uh and then his follow-up question is there anything I can say to make me look less lurky? No, that's why you shouldn't call. Say nothing. We haven't been in touch after we broke up, so every bit of contact is very awkward. You could also delete this thread because there's not really anything good that can come of it. It sounds like you aren't letting yourself move on as much as you might think.

And there's the chance that it's sending the pictures to your ex. Furthermore, sometime down the line, you get a new girlfriend. Maybe she stumbles across these old racy texts. She might be a little mad. Yeah, that's the thing. What good are the texts doing on your phone?

When do you get rid of this stuff? When do you unfollow them on Instagram? When do you throw away the gifts? Do you throw away the gifts? What if it's an item of clothes? It is a slight subconscious reminder, but you still like to wear it. Do I have to throw it away? I unfollow pretty instantly. And I get rid of everything pretty instantly. Everything. There's some times where like, actually, I think I still have like some shoeboxes of ex-girlfriend stuff, like in my closet at my parents' house.

Your time capsule. Yeah, but it's not because I am like, that's just because I haven't been there in a while. Yeah. Don't throw it away either, though. Mommy, if you're listening, don't go in my closet. I just haven't gotten to throwing it away yet. It's like, I'm at the point right now where it's not important.

But maybe in 50 years, it'll be kind of interesting to see. Maybe it won't be. Who cares? This is you talking to a current girlfriend why are we even talking about this baby whether i want to see it in 50 years 19 different shoe boxes you won't try to make me throw away flies buzzing around all of them there's only shit in them oh i forgot you collect your ex-girlfriend's shit no i'm a feces enthusiast that's awesome thanks uh all right do you want to answer another question yeah uh here's an interesting non-relationship one oh cool uh you want to make

up a name for this guy sure kavarkin duvel kavarkin duvel yeah duval is that is he related to stand and dan like his kavarkin like a verb kavarkin stand and duve and done all right he's norwegian uh-huh he's a danish yep kavarkin rights i was at work the other day and i brought some leftover steak for lunch i had a fork in my cubicle, but no knife. We have a cafe in our building where I could get a knife, so I walked down to get one. The problem is, how does one walk around a public space, get a knife, and then walk back by a bunch of people with said knife? As a 20-something white man, I'm afraid of the demographic that does a lot of mass stabbings

and twisted shit you hear about on the national news. Very easy. which could be far worse. Thanks, and advise me what to do next time I need a knife at work. Love, Kevorkian. Very easy. I think let's play a game where we each come up with one sentence answer. Okay. To this question. One sentence answer? Yeah.

Next time you need a knife at work, why don't you? Blank. Okay. All right. Next time you need a knife at work, why don't you blank? Okay. Because I think I have the solution. I have a solution that's not... Okay. What's your solution? Do you want to say it at the same time so that people can't understand it, either one

of us? Yeah, that's kind of cool. Okay. Next time you need a knife at work, why don't you just... Go to the cafeteria and take a fork and a knife. That way people think you're taking cutlery. We have the same exact answer. Actually, this is actually good advice for someone that wants to stab a lot of people.

Oh, shit. You walk around with a knife, people are going to fucking fear that. They're going to fear your intentions. You got to conceal it in plain sight that's right you come to work with a fork a knife and a spoon you start stabbing people with the spoon first people think you're gonna do that stab yourself in the face though first with a spoon yeah dude yeah try not to stab nobody use a real herb if you do that i remember my mom like 10 years ago got a knife confiscated from a like a food pack that

she like packed for a flight oh really yeah she's like but it's just a fork and a knife you're like yeah you can't have a knife and she's like oh yeah okay i guess that makes sense was it a sharp knife uh i guess maybe it was like a it was like a metal butter knife wow yeah forks are pretty sharp too yeah you ever been in the airport and at a restaurant they give you a plastic uh plastic knife and a metal fork yeah it's like what are they that seems kind of weak you can do a lot of damage with the metal fork who's calling you my father he wants to corroborate the the story uh this guy, it's, yeah, he's good.

He could just, you could also just bring the entire steak down to the cafeteria. Oh, yeah, that's good. Or you can just lift up the steak and eat it with your hands. And then if people ask you what you're eating, say you're eating an invisible bread steak sandwich. That's fun. What do you mean

by that? And then if they don't get that you stab them with a fucking spoon with a spork you stab them in the eye uh not a lot of possible answers to this but i wanted to answer just in case because these questions are just as important as the guy who's like stalking his girlfriend yeah i agree i love that people struggle with the minutiae of everyday life yeah and i'm here to offer little life hacks and tips for either people who are misunderstood or people that want to stab people life hacks and tips because i smoke packs and spliffs. Whoa. Yeah. You know, it's kind of cool. What else?

That I'm a smoker and... Life hacks and tips. Because I smoke packs and spliffs. And my back is ripped. Yeah, my back is ripped. And my sack is clipped. Your sack is clipped? Yeah, like I have a gun down the front of my pants.

So that's my clip and my glock and i don't know if that's like actual slang but i'm sort of trying to make my sack is clipped sack because when i hear sack is clipped it sounds like you sewed your ball your ball sack yeah like stapled i stapled my nut to my thigh yeah it's clipped so it has two separate like two that's not what i meant when i said that yeah And then the packs and spliffs is fine. Packs and spliffs was cool. My back is ripped. That's pretty good.

My sack is clipped. It was not great. My sack is... I treat wax. Oh, my sack is dipped. Like, I dip my balls in your mouth or something. Yeah. My sack is dipped.

Yeah, my sack is dipped. my sack is dipped my back is ripped my sack is dipped uh and then how do you get out of that rhyming scheme like where do you go from there and i attack your lip like blip blip blip oh yo i go so it always ends up with yo yeah like when you're done with everything you just just say yo. And then stuff rhymes with yo. Yeah, of course. Like go, which I mentioned. I mean, that was all off the top of the dome. And I appreciate it. And attaboy.

I wouldn't mind achieving some level of dap for that. All right. Okay. Let's get to gut punch. Gl over no my request my aunt i actually want my request to be honored for the the dapper yeah or the dapper otherwise the at of boy what does atta stand for what is atta short for atta at the boy yeah i don't know i think it's uh it probably comes from that a boy which is like that's that's way to go that's the boy so it started off saying that's the boy that's my boy and then at the boy yeah and then at a boy. Yeah. And then at a boy. That's true.

Don't bother looking it up. That's my boy. That's a boy. At a boy. Etymology. And then holler at your boy. Holler. I'll name this guy okay uh howard dean hughes the third right i'm a 22 year old guy doing a postgraduate degree at sussex university and i'm living with my ex it gets

better it's just the two of us. The reason for this is because we both try to apply for on-campus accommodations, but we're turned down due to the amount of applicants this year. She suggested we live together as we're both back to being good friends with one another at this point, nine months post-breakup. And we thought at this point it would be nice to live with other people that we knew to be clean and quiet as our workload would be pretty tough this year. Now, she's with another guy who has liked her for some time and doesn't like me very

much purely because I'm the ex, and he's always staying around. When I asked why she can't go to his, she said that it has something to do with a living situation, but she couldn't say what. It's gotten to the point where he has his own towel here, toothbrush, and sometimes food in the fridge. They normally stay in her room, but I still live here and I'm uncomfortable with the amount of time someone else is in the house. I barely see her anymore. I get five-minute chats at most before she goes back to her boyfriend who's waiting in her room. She never wants to hang out, and as a result, I don't even see her as a friend anymore. Ideally, I would like the other guy to stop coming around so often, maybe three

nights a week max, but she's a very reactive person and i know that she'll think that this is because i'm jealous what should i do love howard adine hughes the third that is a uh that's a that's a humdinger well the guy with the knife is really my speed tonight this guy deserves what he got. He's living with his ex-girlfriend. He's like, but it actually hasn't worked out. It's weird and uncomfortable, and I don't know what to do. And this guy thinks I'm jealous because I don't want him around, but I don't want him around.

Yeah. I think you're jealous too, quite frankly. Which is pretty natural because you probably do harbor some jealous feelings for an ex and usually those things will subside because you don't spend a lot of time with the ex unless you're living with your ex and watching the guy who she's fucking come over and he's there and then you have to smell his towel when you're in the shower

and see his leftovers. So I do understand the inclination to be a little upset. Next question. You got yourself into this mess, unfortunately. And I don't know if you can set a rule that says no boyfriends over three nights a week. Yeah, no, you have to move out, and that's fine. And it sounds like you are actually mad that he's around. Like, it's not like you don't care and he does.

Right, because aside from the towel and the food, they're actually not really taking over the space very much. Yeah. You just are relegated to five-minute chats with your ex, which is actually roughly the length they should be. Yeah, you shouldn't be talking to your ex that much at all at all, let alone the one that you live with for some odd reason. Her new boyfriend's doing you a favor. It is weird. Because now you're talking to her the amount that's a little healthier. Imagine dating a girl and then she lives with her ex-boyfriend. How little would you want to be at their house?

Like, I would never, ever, ever go there. I would never, ever want to see him. I would never want to be there. Yeah. Why is that the default home? It seems like in every relationship there's a default home, one that you naturally gravitate towards. He also lives with his ex and his parents. Yeah, it must be worse. If you can imagine a worse one. He lives with racist parents and two ex-girlfriends and a goat. So, this single guy seems like not that big of a deal. The worst person you can live with. Don't live, I guess, as a blanket piece of advice for everybody,

don't live with your ex-lover. It can't end well. Right. And as soon as... I know a lot of people have money problems, but just figure it out because there's always some solution. Because people break up and they're like, all right, well, we got this apartment.

Neither of us want to move out, so we're just going to make it work. Make it work by leaving. Yeah, pretend that's not an option. Yeah. And this is even one step beyond we live together and we broke up and we have to stay together for a little bit, which I still don't recommend. This is we broke up. I don't even know if they ever lived together. And then nine months later, it doesn't seem like that long.

They decide to live together again. Yeah, it's not good. So, go back in time and don't do that what you did. Yeah. Do a different thing that you did. Go back in time and don't do that. Yeah, because if you do what you did, if you do what you did, it won't do, you don't do that. So, don't do it again. Go back in time and don't do that. Yeah, go back in time. That's a cool name for a podcast, actually. Go back in time and don't do that. Yeah, it's sort of like Streeter's Talk of Shame, which is a really great name.

So, you know, never mind. Yeah, but if you didn't think of that, that would be a good second option. By the way, I emailed myself recently to revisit the podcast idea of the rabbit hole. Oh, yeah. Which is Carnell's idea that I really want to just somehow

bring to life. Do we assign it to somebody? Yeah, I think we have to vote on our favorite stoner or smart person. I think Mike's idea was that you get high and read Wikipedia, which is great, but maybe you don't even need you get high and read Wikipedia, which is great.

But maybe you don't even need to get high. Maybe it's just some person with that type of mind. Yeah. Do you imagine one person or two? I guess it should probably be just a stoner with a headset microphone. Yeah. I feel like two is kind of the way to go. But you'd really have to get two people who it's such a hard note to hit because they have to actually be explaining history and science and like

events. They can't just be talking about bullshit. The idea is you get high and then you just start clicking around Wikipedia and you just say the stuff that you're learning. Yeah. So you're like, you're reading about, you're reading like Batman's Wikipedia and then you click into Gotham,

then you click into Marvel, then Stan Lee, then where he went to college. Who fucking knows where you go from one end of Wikipedia to the other. It's like how shit works, but instead of spending 45 minutes on Lois and Clark, I'm like, oh, you've heard the name Jeffrey Dahmer.

Did you know he did this, this, and this? Like, oh you've heard the name jeffrey dahmer did you know he did this this and this like oh i didn't know that about jeffrey dahmer also here's a list of athletes that uh endorsed donald trump that's kind of interesting exactly that's kind of interesting is also that could be the name of every podcast because no podcast is uninteresting or very interesting true it's all kind of interesting. So who can we host? Who can we get to host this podcast? The rabbit hole or that's kind of interesting.

If we just call it that's kind of interesting, then maybe we don't have to give Carnell any more credit or anything. Oh, that's good. Maybe I could just steal the idea entirely. Yeah. And we'll just delete this. We'll go back in time and don't do what we did. Go back in time and don't do that.

We would need, do we need a stoner or do we need just a funny guy? Like if it was someone like me, not that I think I should do it, but I don't get high a lot, but it might be funny if someone like me got high and did it. Right. Like if it's a stoner, the weed almost wouldn't affect him that much. Streeter would be a really good guy for it. Right.

Or somebody like him who's like, he's really, really funny, but he's also like secretly smart. Yeah. He loves reading and he loves learning about history and he's a great storyteller. Streeter should do it. Okay. All right. Streeter, if you're listening, quit your other podcast or start another one. All right.

Let's take a break. Thank one more sponsor and then we'll be back. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Hi, we're back. Hola. We are finally going somewhere. We haven't had a live show in a bit yeah we haven't

traveled at all all month since i got back from new york i've been done shit well we're starting to get the itch again fortunately uh during south by southwest we're going back to austin and it's not just us yes dude hell no south Hell no. South by Southwest, baby. This is a big one. We're bringing some friends, friends. We are having, throwing, creating, created. Join us for the HeadGum Podcast Festival? Can we call it a festival?

HeadGum-a-palooza? HeadGum-a-palooza. The HeadGum Podcast Fest. A pod fest, if you will. The HeadGum Fest. Where we'reza? HeadGum-a-palooza, the HeadGum Podcast Fest, a pod fest, if you will, the HeadGum Fest, where we're going to have three shows over two days that'll include not only Jake and mine's podcast, not only If I Were You Live, but several other podcasts on the HeadGum network.

Yeah. This is why you're single. Josh's mind house. She didn't text back. Black Men Can't Jump, I Know I'm Forgetting People, Twinnovation. Yes, ideally High and Mighty as well. High and Mighty. The details are about 85% to 95% worked out,

but we're bringing as many friends as we possibly can to have live shows, and they're all at the North Door where we've done a live show before, which is an awesome venue. We'll be at every show. We're only performing at one, but we'll be there hanging out. And special guests, we don't know. Yeah. We don't know who's going to be coming.

And a lot of these podcasts, this might be their first live podcast. So it's going gonna be very exciting uh tickets to every show uh are gonna be 20 bucks and you can buy them at uh if i were you show.com as of right now we'll put the links up there so the first show uh thursday is at 8 p.m uh which is this is why you're single josh's Mindhouse, and something by Kevin Porter, hopefully. And then the second day, Friday at 3, we're having three live podcasts,

High and Mighty, hopefully. Black Man Can't Jump, She Didn't Text Back. And then Friday night at 7, it's going to be Twinnovation and Us. Yes. But like we said, we're only performing at 1 one we'll be there hanging out saying hi uh tickets just went on sale so you can snag them up right now yeah if you're if you're

near austin uh do it now because we're about to i think we're the first podcast to announce this show but all of the other podcasts are going to start pushing the tickets too right so buy your tickets quick because we sold out last time we were in Austin. Yeah. The theater's not terribly big. I think it's only like 250 seats. So the shows will sell out. Don't worry about that.

Okay. Okay, North Door. Just get your fucking tickets now is what we're saying. Just so we can start looking forward to the shows rather than stress out about the tickets. Yeah. And it's for, you know, if you live near Austin or if you're just going to be in South by for the fun funsies.

Or if you live in Kansas, I'm never going to come do a show there. Is that a guarantee? I'll guarantee it. Well, what about Lawrence, Kansas? Oh, I'm planning on retiring to Lawrence. What about Kansas? Oh, you'll do Kansas City, but only the Missouri side of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you guys live in Texas, just drive your ass to this show, is what I'm saying. It's going to be a fun, party, crazy atmosphere. It's our first podcast fest. We're going to do our best

to make it a fun time, and hopefully we'll be able to see you there. Yeah. Again, all the information and all the tickets and all the links and all this stuff is going to be at ifireashow.com and then hopefully we'll inundate as many uh twitter

and facebook feeds as possible uh later on but this is the first you're hearing about it the first we've ever announced it so you you've heard it here first um oh yeah um i was gonna say we're not doing anything in February We should do something in February too Just for fun We were supposed to go to Santa Barbara And they jacked us up They told us not to come anymore

They said your kind's not wanted around here no more So where can we go? I don't know we should do like a tweet up Or the equivalent of a Snapchat meetup or something somewhere in LA. Oh, how about just like a hike in Griffith Park? Oh, that's really fun and healthy too. Yeah. I've been talking about for a while, just trying to do some sort of Obama, Michelle Obama initiative type thing, you know? We should do that. We should like announce something on Snapchat and be like, hey,

we're going to be be here come on by or let's all go on a hike in griffith park together uh jake's snapchat is jake demand 85 and yours is jake demand 85 no mine's amir bloom huh yours is jake i want to double the promotion i don't know if you noticed i did that's why why i instantly called you out that's why we're talking about it that's why. Of course I did. That's why I instantly called you out, man. That's why we're talking about it. That's why you said, I don't know if you noticed. It's because I noticed.

I wanted all the Jews dead. I don't know if you noticed. Of course we noticed. That's why you blew your brains out in the bunker, you dumbass. Fucking fuck Hitler. I'm serious, dude. I'll take that stance, too, man. Like, no way, Jose. He was a fucking herb, dude. I'll take that stance, too, man. Like, no way, Jose.

He was a fucking herb, dude. He really was. He was such a coward little prick asshole. He was a tool bag. He was a little... He was a douche little bitch. Yeah, he was a little bitch. And even people who were, like, trying to give him credit, like, oh, he was a great public speaker.

No way. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? He was loud and he was good, but he wasn't not for the right reasons. Yeah, like, are you a good public speaker if you just yell hate all the time? I don't think so, dude. Yeah. Like, Hitler's... We disagree on that one thing, but overall...

You think Hitler was a good public speaker? I think, yeah. He's a whiny-ass little bitch. No, I don't think so. Yeah. You're defending him. And actually, a lot of his shit got way blown out of proportion we don't have to talk about that

I actually stand with my little dude my little dude little Hitler what a weird cartoon that is to pitch shall we answer do we get the Lewis loops to crochet us a Hitler actually the

Dave one that he got looks like he has a little mustache. Yeah, it's not quite a Hitler mustache. That'd be a good question. Would he crochet a Hitler? I guess if you donate to his Kickstarter, you'd have to. That'd be cool. Just as kind of a slap in the face. Yeah.

I gave you money, and now you have to crochet the worst human. He should just crochet, like he should do a World War II memorabilia set. So it'd be like Hitler and then also a little FDR and a little crocheted wheelchair. Yeah, and a Winston Churchill. Oh, that's a cute little idea, like a little crocheted, like you said, World War II memorabilia set. Yeah. D-Day, Normandy. Yeah.

The like. Of course. Some dead soldiers or something. A kamikaze pilot. Now, let's segue from the most, the deadliest travesty the world has ever seen to this very specific, minute last question about someone who is having second thoughts about tattooing himself. As you should.

Winston Churchill writes, I'm 18 years old and a senior in high school going to college next year, and I have an idea for a tattoo that I want to get, but I'm scared about making such a permanent decision even though I really like the idea. It's nothing I think I'll be embarrassed of, just a short meaningful phrase that I think what I would get on the inside of my wrist where I could hide it with a watch if I needed to for work. I really never thought I would get a tattoo, but I've been drawn to the idea of just one simple and significant message lately. If I follow through with this, I don't think I'll do it until after my freshman year of college to make sure that I still want it. But I was wondering what other advice you have as far as making sure that you're making a good decision. I know Jake has some tattoos that he may or may not regret,

and I figured you might be able to help. Also, how would you tell your mom you've done this if you don't think she'll particularly be happy about it? Is it best to wait until after doing it or tell her before? She will not change my mind if I decide to do it, and I know she would try to talk me out of it, and maybe even be madder if I did it against her will, but I don't want her to think I'm going behind her back if I don't tell her first. Thanks for the help. Love, Winston

Churchill. Okay. Lot to digest here. Yes. Initial reaction. Short, meaningful phrases often make very bad tattoos. Yeah. I'll say that right off the bat.

Like a follow your heart. Yeah. Or all good things are wild and free. That's actually... That's one of my favorite short ones. All good things are wild and free on my ribs. Or something tasteful that I can cover with a watch or a necklace. Watch is...

Yeah, if you're already thinking about ways to cover it up, then just don't get it. I think tattoos can only look cool if you're gonna go all out and like do a full sleeve to the point where it almost doesn't matter what each individual tattoo is like you never look at a sleeve and you're like oh that one's a star that's kind of lame like if i just had a like a a star on my bicep you would be like oh weird you just have have a star tattoo right there. I feel bad because Carnell has a star tattoo on his wrist.

I have a butterfly on my wrist. I'm not fucking, I'm not trying to throw stones at the glass house. You also have a tattoo that you're actively trying to get rid of. Yeah, yeah. We'll talk about that too. Okay. But if you have- That too.

Oh. That too. A tattoo for that. What is that, you ask? That's a great question. That is fat. A fat too. That too is a tattoo.

How so? I'll tell you how so. That's enough, buddy. Sorry. You're hyperventilating, man. You're breaking on hives. Matt too can have a tattoo. A fat too on that too. And that too, can have a tattoo. A fat two on that, too.

And that two that you see, that number two, that too is a tattoo. I got a tattoo of poo-poo. Where are you? What are you? You sat, too. You sat, too. That is tattoo. What were you saying?

So, I'm saying if you have just a single tattoo on your arm arm it doesn't look at like break apart any tattoo on a sleeve it usually it feels like it would probably be a lame tattoo right you kind of have to have a bunch of tattoos to look cool with tattoos is my opinion also people that just get a bunch of tattoos and don't give a fuck are the kind of cool people that don't get called out for having their tattoos. And people who obsess over a tattoo and, like, seek their mother's permission and eventually get one that they cover up with a watch are the kind of people that regret the tattoo. Yeah. It seems like every single tattoo is not worth getting. Like, a single one tattoo.

You have to, that's why you have to get a fucking part of a bigger thing yeah and then you're like why'd you get tattooed like no you don't even get that don't then you get so many tattoos that you're that people are afraid to talk to you yeah because you're like a fucking cool looking biker you're a canvas of a man suddenly you're a canvas man you can be neat when you look this sweet you're a canvas man that's why i want to get a tattoo of what a ti 83 plus on my asshole kind of cool you would never get a tattoo no but like do you know anybody with one tattoo and that one tattoo is so great that is this that was a good decision to have one. I really like Sarah Schneider's tattoo.

Yeah, but that's a girl. She's got one tattoo. Yeah, but that's a woman. I don't know. Not off the top of my head, but I'm sure some people have like a single cool tattoo in a good spot. And if you want to hide it from work, don't put it on your wrist. That's like almost the most exposed something can be.

That's like it would be covered. That tattoo wouldn't even be covered with a full body wetsuit. I do think like if you're, he's at least smart that he's got, he's going to wait a year. Yeah. You might still want it in a year. So I would advise waiting a year and then not getting it. So do the thing where you wait a year because that seems to be the maximum amount of time we can ask you to defer. If you end up getting it, go back in time and don't do that.

And then just quickly, you're getting a tattoo removed. Do you want to go over what that process is, just in case this guy thinks he can just snap and get rid of it one day? So at the same exact time as this guy is contemplating getting his tattoo. 2 p.m uh in his life at 18 yeah before college of course i got my first tattoo a butterfly butterfly on your wrist on my wrist and did you tell your mother beforehand i did tell my mother beforehand but she was cool with it i think my sister had already gotten his tattoo. So they were like, it was fine. My dad wasn't pumped about it. Yeah.

But I regretted the butterfly tattoo maybe a year or two after. Wished I didn't get it. But when I was getting the butterfly tattoo, I was also imagining I was going to be covered in tattoos. So I was like, oh, it's okay if I don't like this one. That's when I got a tribal sun tattoo on my ankle. Because why get a butterfly if he doesn't have the sun to fly towards?

Yeah. So I'm just thinking, I mean, there's no logic behind the tribal sun tattoo. It's just a symbol that you saw at a tattoo parlor when you wanted another tattoo. My friends were getting a tattoo. One of my friends was getting the Basque symbol from like a Spanish flag. Of course. He was born and raised a Spanish flag. Of course. Basque country. Yeah.

He was born and raised in Hamden. Got it. Which was fine for him at the time. I think he has like several Spain tattoos on his body. I love Eddie. Eddie Goggins, good man. And my other friend was getting a tattoo, the word imagine written on her ankle.

I think she may regret that tattoo. Sure. I got the tribal sun. Anyway, these things, these decisions, like, you think your life's going to go one way. Yeah. And turns out, when you're 30 years old, you're like, oh, I kind of don't want to wear shorts today because somebody might see the tribal sun on my ankle. And now I decided that I'm just going to remove the tribal sun because I've got the means.

And why on earth am I going to let 18-year-old me lord over what my ankle looks like for the rest of my life? That little piss ant is trying to sabotage me. I'm going to be the adult that I am and throw some money at it and it'll go away. Just rub some cash on it and eventually it'll disappear. So anyway, it costs like five hundred dollars uh-huh and i have to go eight times to a clinic in los angeles where they rub it with cream supposed that's supposed to make it um sort of like a little numbing cream yeah yeah and i don't know how if the numbing cream either works and the laser is still insanely painful or the numbing cream doesn't work at all and it's sort of a placebo that is ineffective. Because after the cream, they what?

They zap it with a laser. It feels like a thousand rubber bands smacking against your skin. Your ankle. It's hot. It feels like she's soldering your bone. Yeah. It's incredibly painful. It's like the only, you know, I'm just like, oh!

Yeah. Oh! Oh! It's so painful. And yeah, and it takes eight sessions, and it eventually will go away. And can you do those eight sessions in a week or two? Oh, you have to go every six weeks because it's such a, it takes such a toll on your skin. Got it.

It's, so yeah, after that, it sort of has to heal for six weeks, then they can do it again. And then what happens? Does it disappear? Does your body sort of grow new skin? Is it scabbing? I guess, well, they explained it to me that like they're basically liquefying the, so what they said is like everything in my skin is like actually trying to break apart the

ink and pull it off of my skin. But the ink is all like dried and it's crusted. It's in this place forever. So they heat it to such an insane temperature they like melt it again and then uh the cells in my skin can sort of continue that process of like pulling it apart so dude if you're listening uh you can either one day go through that or you can go back in time which is this current day you listening to yourself right now. Imagine a 30-year-old you bursting through the door and said, don't do that.

Yeah, don't do that. We're that guy. We're you from the future, imploring you not to do it. Or we're sort of telling you there is a get out of jail for $500 card. Yeah, where nothing is really permanent. You spend the money and you experience the pain. It can go away. Because I saw my tattoo technician person has had the exact same tribal son,

slightly bigger, on the inside of her ankle. And she showed me what happens. And it's gone. Just the sun sun has set can't even see it can't even see it she now has a moon tattoo on her lower back and it's beautiful uh i'm getting the same one on my face i'm gonna look like the moon guy from mcdonald's commercials uh all right that's all we have to say about that for now uh we'll be back on thursday of this week if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions that email to email is the email to end all emails is if i were you show at gmail.com i was hosting this show what happened oh yeah you want to lose the reins? Really early on, you asked me to take it back. Yeah. That first theme song was from?

Joseph Signa. Joseph Signa. This last one is from Shirley, which is a Free Falling cover. Oh, dope. I love Free Falling. Yeah, dude. Once again, if you're in, near, around, or just want to fucking make a trip to Austin. Yeah, dude.

We're fucking going from LA, so. To be a part of the first HeadGum Podcast Festival. HeadGumapalooza. All that links, all the info is at ifireashow.com. See you guys very soon. Later. Toe-da. Toe-da. His name is Jacob

Once his mama Amir is His partner in crime These two dudes Sharing their wisdom And giving some needed advice It's if I If I were you, show If I

If I were you, show Starts now If I were you, the show starts now.