Segments - 197: Mormon Mama (w/ Laura Hurwitz!)

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

Jake's mother joins us to discuss ex-girlfriends, gay boyfriends, and getting into Yale. This bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by Ring.com, Squarespace.com and TrueGrowers.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. of advice The only podcast for advice that's hosted by Amir and Jane Very, very nice. A little macabre. I loved that. Whoa, my mom's here.

Hey guys, hello. Hola, mama. How are you? Hola, mamito. Nice. What does that mean? It's like hola, jovito, but I said hola, mamito. Hola. Did you know that Jake was bilingual?

You know, languages were never his strong suit. Sorry, honey sorry what's that supposed to mean one read pretty well on the english uh sat and and that's the verbal i mean that's that's your language you're not yeah languages were never my strong suit yeah foreign languages what did you get on your verbal sats? Do you remember? I actually do. What Jake got? Oh, what Jake got? Yeah, yeah, I do. I do. Can I say it at the same time, if you remember? 690. Wow. I thought it was 640. No, 690. It was 690. You got 640 on your math.

Did I? Yes, you did. All right. That's actually, you did better than me on verbal uh i'm i we should check the record i don't know you don't even want to take credit for it uh what was what did you get i got 640 and what did you get on your uh math 800 of course i was gonna say yeah you got 800 math yeah i've got 800 math i don't think i see i don't I feel like I got like 200 math. You know, they say you got 200 for writing your name. It was another test for like, it was some other, it was like a midterm math test where I was, I wasn't a great math student, but I forgot my TI-83 calculator and they wouldn't let me go back out to my car to get it. Wow. calculator and they wouldn't let me go back out to my car to get it wow so i had to take this math test without my calculator a midterm without my calculator and i got a and it brought me down to a d in the class and it was like do you remember that so i like i i didn't get into a couple

colleges i think this is true because i was taking like a low level math class and i got a d it sounds like you're making up the excuse right now to me like and then they wouldn't let me get the calculator so i got a d so that's why wouldn't let me get the calculator, so I got a D. So that's why I can't. Mr. Rich hates me, Mom. The teachers all hate you. Yeah, all the teachers hate me specifically. But they did not let me go out to the car to get the TI-83. I just don't understand that, that kind of desire to see people fail.

I think because I was a bad student. Yeah. I thought that, that like you know what does he really have in his car you're taking the teacher's side i mean i didn't yeah i didn't do very much to earn their trust also like if you're a bad student and like you give the teacher an opening he just fucking loved the fact like oh sorry i don't think you can go to your car imagine like an asshole tempting you and poking you for eight months and they're like can i can you do me a favor you're like you know no i don't think i can do you the favor yeah teachers are people too and they're

petty and small just like me i haven't forgotten it to this day i bet those teachers also haven't forgotten remember we wouldn't let that little bitch throw a touch of his car. The principal high-fiving him. Well, I was a teacher, and I can tell you that we do do that. Oh, really? You are exactly right. So if there's a troublemaker that needs a favor,

you're like, oh, I'm afraid I can't answer that question. I don't think so. I don't think so. I can bend the rules for you. Some teachers do, but then you reach the saturation point, you just burn out, and then you're hardened. You know what came up a lot in my high school, or not a lot, but I seem to remember this as a specific thing, like during a test, you can't ask any questions,

you know, and then there's like a vaguely worded question, and it's like, I don't even know what this says, like I'm not asking you how to answer it, but I don't know what you mean by like what's asking, and she's like, I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't tell you anything. But then if like a bunch of people came up and like, I also don't understand like the language used in this, then she'll be like, all right, fine. I'll specify. I'll explain this one thing. But other than that, I really can't answer any questions.

Is that a thing that they teach you as a teacher? Don't answer any questions during the test? Yeah, they tell you not to answer questions during the test. But I guess if there's like a mass of people coming up and not understanding something that you did, you have really an obligation to clarify. If it's one student that's like, no, sorry, everyone else gets it. And then it's like 10 students are like, all right, I fucked up.

Here's what I meant by that. That's it. That's it. And usually if it's one student, it's that one same student who's always going to ask you that stuff right like you say i'll see you in class tomorrow and they say tomorrow's saturday it's that kid you know tomorrow that's a good one i should say that i know you should say that that's right, I'll see you tomorrow. Saturday. For detention. Detention, detention.

Close up of your stinky mouth. Not yours, but a teacher's stinky mouth. That theme song that we played was sent to us in September of 2013. Wow. I just found old theme songs that I had never searched for in the Gmail. Oh, man. So that's two and a half years ago. And they said, our band is called Dead Relatives. I just found old theme songs that I had never searched for in the Gmail. So that's two and a half years ago. And they said, our band is called Dead Relatives. We're from Louisiana.

Let me know if you guys want this message. And then last week, two and a half years after that, I wrote them back. I was like, hey, I just searched through old emails and I found this one. I hope it's not too late. And he said, no, of course not. Slight change. Our band is no longer called dead relatives because my grandma wasn't a fan of it their band is called yeah my relatives didn't like it sweet nanas now no it's

called cane breakers c-a-n-e still sort of aggressive towards old yeah it is a little oh you don't like it how about cane breakers grandma i bruised my knee against your metal cane and and they have a facebook and a website called cane breakers.com and a new album in the works so i was checking it out i like that song a lot i loved it it was a little bit sort of like guster or ben folds but you know, that kind of like gentle. Josh Radden. Yeah.

It was like very minor key, sort of like gloomy a little bit. Yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot. I liked it. Thanks for coming on our show again. Oh, thank you for asking me. Is this your second or third time? It's the third time.

Third time. Gosh. This puts you in the Hall of Fame. Not a lot of three-time guests on our program. Just only the best for you, Mom. You guys, I love you. I love you. I love you so much.

I'm going to cry. I love you so much. Why are you crying? You're the best. You guys have such an incredible setup here. I'm so impressed. I do, or both of us? Yeah, I mean, you guys.

Who does? Both of us? Both of you have an incredible... But I'm your son. What does it matter? She's complimenting both of us. Not everything has to be tilted in your favor. Yeah, I think for Jake, kind of, it does. My little lady um well since this is your third time on the show you're a pro but just in case i know how it works

yeah just in case there's any first-time listeners this will be some people's first time listening to this podcast because like invariably like one of our fans will be like you got to listen to the show and then somebody finally caves and says all right i'll try it i'll test it out i listened to the one with jake and his mom was that really his mom let's say welcome to those new newcomers yeah i love it it's an advice podcast that you're listening to it's called if i were you show uh it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and jake and then sometimes it's just us two and sometimes we have jake's mom yeah and sometimes that guest is jake's mom uh so we're gonna be reading real

emails love you okay kisses i love my mother do you have a problem with that i love my mother is very important to me. Are you mad at me? Is that an issue? It's a little bit. The only issue is that... Love you, mommy. Excuse me. Do you have something to say about the way I display my affection for my mother? It's a little loud during the show.

Like we're getting kissing noises. I'm sorry about that. What? I'm sorry about that. I didn't realize that would be a problem. Got it. I won't do that again. Cool.

So these are real. Hugs to mommy. What's that? Hugs to mommy. No kissing noise. Got it. No kissing noises. Hug, hug, hug.

Okay. I love you so very much all right she's near and dear to me why don't we spend 30 seconds you say everything you need to say about i don't need to say anything else all right so you're done yeah i don't need to say a word i will show it so bye so just show it now show it holding my hand i am sitting on my mother's lap we're sharing a microphone and a ham sandwich so as i was saying these are real emails from real people that we received if you have your own questions you can send it to if i were you show at gmail.com we're going to give these people fake names, you know, just to preserve their anonymity. Of course. And Laura, why don't you

give us our first fake name? Okay, I'm going to have to think a little. It's a lady. A lady. Okay. I'm trying to think what I've been watching recently that has had a lady in it. And I'm sorry, I'm blanking. I'm totally blanking. That is another instance of the male-dominated Hollywood model. All right, okay. All right, cool.

You're right, you're right. I'm going to think back to the movies that are nominated for Oscars and how few women there are in them. Thank you. Oscar's so gay. A guy. Yeah. Oscar's so guy.

Yeah, it's true. Sogai. All white guy. And one female who's nominated is Brie Larson. So we'll go with Brie. Brie Larson. Right. So yeah, I dated this guy.

And after a month of dating, he told me he wasn't, sorry. And after a month of dating, he told me he was going to join the Mormon church. After that, we dated for three years. We broke up last April because he was leaving for a two-year mission in South America. I was completely supportive of his religion throughout the relationship, even though I'm agnostic. I still email him while he's on his mission and consider him to be a good friend. The problem is his mother. She and I were very close during the relationship,

and since I broke up with her son, she still expects things to be the same. She recently told me she cried because she thought that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I still want to keep in contact with my ex, but I don't think we'll ever get back together because of our massive religious differences. She buys me gifts all the time and gets upset if I don't see her when I'm in town. How do I tell this incredibly nice mother that I can't be friends with her anymore? Thanks. Love, Brie Larson.

Wow. I think that's really unusual because usually Mormon mothers would want their kids, I would think, to marry within the faith. Yeah, you think she'd be thrilled. Don't you think? Yeah. After three years, the mother just must have gotten attached. Yeah, I guess. But usually that's a big thing, I would think, in a religious, especially if you've got a kid who's on a mission.

Yeah. That's a big one. That's a full, dedicating two years of his life thing. Yeah. But you've had, you have six children, so you've had your fair share of significant others

come and go. I have, and I, and Jake can tell you this. My mom's probably pretty close to this lady's mom, actually. Yeah, I... My mom's kept in touch

with one too many of my exes. I have, I have, I get very attached. I genuinely like everyone. In high school, there were times that I had to leave the house because my exes. I have. I have. I get very attached. I genuinely like everyone. In high school, there were times

that I had to leave the house because my ex-girlfriend was coming over to dinner. Right. That did happen. We took an ex-girlfriend on a vacation. What?

Yeah. It was awkward. Of course. What? What is that? I think we'd already, that one I was complicit into. We'd like already bought.

We'd already bought the tickets. We'd already bought the tickets. We'd already bought the tickets. And after you broke up, you're like, why don't you still go on vacation? It would have been less expensive to have her not come because like we would have lost money on the ticket, but not on any of the meals or anything. This is what your dad said as he was sitting you down. As he was talking to my ex. It's just that, consider that a sunk cost.

Do you understand that, sweetheart? Jake got a 300 on his math SAT. But I'm pretty bright when it comes to this stuff. And if you'll see this figure, it's how much I'll waste on you. I can't believe you brought an ex-girlfriend. It's a big deal to bring an actual girlfriend on a family vacation, let alone an ex. We tend to get close to people pretty quickly i think and um this girlfriend i she was i really liked her she was like a daughter yeah i i don't know she was just

that was your first girlfriend you have enough daughters though yeah i have a lot of daughters yeah you have real daughters and they're awesome yeah but she was like a little bit more troubled and moody. And I was kind of drawn to that because my kids are pretty upbeat and cheerful. You wanted an angsty teen. I kind of did. I kind of did. It's weird. You sat her down and asked her to yell at you. Yeah.

My mom's just great at bonding with anybody. So like all of our, I think everybody's significant others have always liked you. And I think it's kind of tough when you break up with somebody to be like, you're not only losing that person, but you're losing access to like the family. And I think a lot of the times, at least in my relationships, one of the harder parts of breaking up with somebody is that I've generally liked their friends and family a lot too. Yeah. And you never actually break up with the family.

You just break up with the person. And then you never say goodbye to the parents. You don't get those say-go-tos. No, you don't get that closure thing. It's almost like dying because you literally will not, you just won't ever see or talk to that person again without any warning. Right, unless you're my mom,

in which case you will go out to several meals and sometimes a vacation. And email them and say happy birthday on Facebook. And it just goes on and on and on. You're still in contact with more than one of my exes, would you say? Yes, I am. All right. I am.

I definitely am. What do you mean contact? Like email? Occasionally, I have said something something I've emailed them and like follow them on Instagram usually and like stuff um I wish you'd stop doing that it also must be weird for that ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend where it's like wait why is your ex-boyfriend's mom liking stuff and why are you going to dinner with her I didn't think of it that way because it's true i mean i have the same last name as jake that makes a lot of sense yeah maybe i gotta stop maybe i should change my last name or at least my instagram handle

uh so how can you tell what if what if what if one of these ladies actually had to break up with you and say like listen i listen, I can't? That would be, like, kind of painful for me, I have to say. But I also would understand it, I think. You've also never been broken up with. Not to my knowledge. I feel like maybe they could have, like, stopped, like, sending me emails or something. That actually might have happened.

And that's okay. You got dumped by one of the girls that i jumped but i i think for this mom i mean she probably really got invested in and it probably you know makes her feel she doesn't have a daughter maybe she maybe she only has a son she was really excited to have a daughter even if she wasn't a mormon here's i here's how uh this girl should play this though uh she doesn't have to break up with the mom. She just tells the guy, tells the son to break up with the mom. It's like, it's great. This kid can break up with the mom for you.

Oh, so like you have to say, hey, listen, will you talk to your mom about this? It's like an eighth grade when you would break up with people through your friends. Jake doesn't want to go out with you anymore. I did that last year. I hired an eighth grader. To break up with me. To break up with my adult. But that's like the level of cowardice

that's okay in this situation because you shouldn't really be hanging out in the first place and it's not your place to break this lady's heart. You can just say, hey, your mom's contacting me a lot i think we like need to stop stop talking to each other so much but i feel too bad can you let her know yeah yeah he can be as gentle as he needs to be with the liaison yeah yeah that that's a really good idea actually and

i think he probably could say it and she could probably say it to the ex-boyfriend you know really nicely yeah way more candidly yeah and then she calls the girl and be like wow you didn't even have the balls to break out with me in my face did you just dumping out clothes on her front lawn grabbing her by the ball sack i think that's a good solution though that really Yeah. That's one of those we all agree on. Yeah. It's almost like I thought of it. That's how much I agree with it. Well, I'll take it because there is a record of me thinking of it. I actually, my heart hurts right now, though, for the mom, I have to say.

But I think it's the best solution. I'm just saying. I think it's because I'm over-identifying. But that's a really good solution. That guy will find a new girl. Hopefully a Mormon. Yeah. Or actually, you know, either way.

But he'll find a new girl. A sister wife. And that mom will be ready to love because she will have gone through the heartbreak and the loss and the acceptance that she doesn't have that girl in her life anymore and then she'll be ready that's a funny romantic song to write is like a mom looking at a picture of a 17 year old girl being like where is she i can't believe she's gone my little son's girl um but that's for another day i'll just talk to you about this after the podcast mom yeah yeah let's save it for the commercial break that thought we'll talk uh all right let's get to another question um this one is also oh wait no that's the same question i know This one's also from a lady. Whoa. A lady. Another lady. Okay.

All right. I'll go with another Oscar nominee. Okay. I'm going to mangle her name. Saoirse. Saoirse Ronan? Saoirse. Saoirse Ronan.

She was nominated for an Oscar? Didn't she? Yeah. I do believe so for Brooklyn. That's cool. Yeah. Saoirse Ronan. Right.

Yeah. Hey, guys guys huge fan of the show should i read this parenthetical uh it says i'd like to f jake oh all right so you already read it i'd like to f jake unrelated here's my predicament that's what's up i'm a college senior and i've recently started fucking a new guy. Things were going great until there were a few red flags. You said FJ, and then you said fucking a new guy. Yeah, because now that the floodgates are open, we can just go for it. Cool.

I've recently started fucking a new guy. Things were going great until there were a few red flags. We started talking about our families, and it came out that not only is his mom gay, but his sister is also gay. At first, I thought nothing of it. But then he told me that his new favorite show is The New Girl, and that his favorite movie is The Sound of Music. The way he dressed kind of gives me pause. Think corduroy pants and striped socks. Also, one time during a sexual encounter, he called me Matthew.

Am I fucking a gay guy? Should I be concerned? Always yours, Saoirse Ronan. Wow, that was loaded with a lot of interesting information. Yeah, this girl is blunt. She tells it like it is. She really does. I think there's a bunch of stuff

she doesn't need to worry about. Like, I honestly don't think she, the thing about the mom being gay and the sister being gay, I mean. It's not genetic. It doesn't run in the family. Yeah. Right?

I don't know anything about being gay. I like saying like stuff very like empirical, like it doesn't run in the family, right? Right, right. Am I correct? Well well you can't have two gay twins correct i do actually only twins are like if there is a twin and one's gay they're always both gay right yeah right and only twins are gay and nobody else is gay right right and if you're gay and you're not a twin then you had a twin and you ate them in the womb right and corduroy pants are very gay right striped pants socks first of all some of this stuff is me like i like the new girl and i wear striped socks yeah and i'm

sure you've worn corduroy pants at well to be fair he also is fucking this guy named matthew i was gonna say me and matthew both watch the new girls you are this girl's fuck buddy that's why she wants to fuck me oh it finally makes sense ah uh so of all her of all her um concerns concerns let's rank them on to like most to least gay um so striped socks is pretty low pretty i think that's the most gay thing of all really what color are they more southern well corduroy pants i guess is pretty not gay i don't know the correlation between corduroy pants, I guess, is pretty not gay. I don't know the correlation between corduroy pants and gay. I don't even, yeah, I've never associated corduroys with homosexuality. Well, actually, it makes sense because it's ribbed, and then you're like, oh, this is

like a cock. I like having cocks on my legs. Amir. I haven't thought about that. Oh, my God. Amir. Good point. I'm going to write that down.

Sound of music's pretty, that's dope. I like that movie. I mean, yeah. It's got some good music in it. That one is the most stereotypically gay because it's like a musical. But if we're talking about stereotypically gay, he was raised in a house with two gay women.

So that movie might have been playing as long as we're talking about stereotypically gay. He was raised in a house with two gay women. So that movie might have been playing, as long as we're talking about gay stereotypes. And then it's like sort of nostalgic for it. Actually, though, and I don't mean to have a lesbian stereotype. I think The Sound of Music is more a gay man stereotype. And he would maybe be around Melissaissa etheridge and the indigo girls yeah my tastes are more of gay women because i like those songs and then also i like vaginas you're a total lesbo you think so because you yeah dude you love you love sarah mclaughlin of course

and and tatas and tattoo remember that band the one interesting thing is that he called out he called her matthew that is the troubling thing in my book yeah that's but her name might rhyme with matthew or sound like matthew that's true because it's not really sersha right exactly um i don't know that did she like i mean the thing that's curious to me is if someone did that to me i'd immediately call him him on it. Like, hey, you just called me Matthew. What's up with that? Yeah, why did you do that? And then he'll be like, because Matthew McConaughey is hot, and I like to pretend like I'm fucking him.

Yeah, and that would be kind of a dead giveaway. Another clue. Yeah, another clue. Plus the socks. More leading. Is it a big concern among a lot of people that the guy that they're fucking is gay this isn't like if he's fucking you it's not good enough that's pretty straight

to me at the very least he's bi yeah what does it matter if he's gay if he's having sex with you you're worried that he's a closet homosexual that'll come out and break up with you one day perhaps i guess yeah I guess maybe. But some people are metrosexual, which is like ambiguously. That's right. And I really do, and I don't mean to sound preachy, I think sexuality is kind of a continuum. Like you're somewhere on this sliding scale and you're, sometimes you're a little closer to being, you know being gay or bi than other people. I really do think that it's not like an either or.

I think you can be somewhere in the middle very comfortably. Or you could also be on either end of the spectrum. You could be very gay or like me, very, very straight. I actually love pussy. I actually only wear blue jeans. And I only wear solid socks. Okay. What are your thoughts on the new girl?

I think it's pretty good. Oh, my God. I also love the sound of music. I am 16 going on 17. You are 17 going on. Of all the songs to sing from that, that's probably the most obscure and gay. That's the gayest one. It's a duet between a man and a woman.

Yeah, but you're singing the woman part still. That's right. You are 16 going on 17. How about Climb Every Mountain? I don't know that one. Oh, God. how about climb every mountain i don't know that one oh god uh so in conclusion he may or may not be gay uh if he's boning you i would say he's at the very least in the middle yeah he's not completely gay yeah i like to say like in conclusion none of the evidence you've provided us with makes us think he's gay except maybe calling you matthew in which it gives me only the tiniest bit of pause

so i think you're good yeah and you'd also want to well i don't mean to get gross but like what position where you know what i'm saying always always anal. Always anal. For fucking him. Always anal herb. Yeah. Boning him with a banana. Sorry, I should have read that PS. Okay, let's take a break. We'll thank one more sponsor

and then we'll be back with more questions and answers. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not

available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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You guys were equal. I loved you both equally. That breaks Jake's heart. The biggest slap on the face. You guys are equal just crushed you i am so sorry i honestly you guys i'm floored mama you know what though i have to say what was interesting to me was the information you guys gave me about your teenage selves. Well, talk about just your podcast in general and then the story that was specifically. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's a short story podcast.

And it's a little, I mean, I love it. I tell a story every week. It's called The Easy Chair. The Easy Chair. And I tell a different story week to week. And it is challenging to come up with original content every week. So I cheat a little by having guests.

And in this case, I wrote a story with information that you guys gave me. About our high school selves. Yeah, about your high school selves. And it was fun, like your favorite expressions, your styles, your passions, your bands. Yeah, what you thought you were going to do when you grew up.

My hair products. Your hair products. That was interesting to me. your bands yeah what you thought you were gonna do when you grew up and my hair product your hair products that was interesting to me so yeah whatever happened to mousse you never see that anymore do people still use mousse i think i think people do but it's around yeah people use people use it oh really i mean like when you see people with their hair just like straight up and like very porcupine isn't that gel hair did you ever use moose yeah i used a shit ton of moose he did i think my my eighth or ninth grade yearbook photo had legitimately has like a stain of moose on my because my i have a cowlick that makes my hair natural part like kind of over my right eye.

Right. But I wanted my hair to be parted down the middle like everybody else had. And I could not get like part half my head to go over one to that side. So I would just mat it down with so much mousse. It's true. Oh, God. That you couldn't even touch. Like it felt like it just crispy.

It felt like a fish stick on the side of my head. Yeah. It was so hard. And during the day, it would drip down my ears. Oh, God. And it was such an unattractive style. Yeah, looking back on it, it's like, oh, my God. But is that the reaction you had in the day?

I thought it was ridiculous. It's disgusting. oh my God. But is that the reaction you had in the day? Yeah, I thought it was ridiculous. It's disgusting. Because he had this blonde, like really beautiful corn silk hair, and he just like hardened it into this mass, and he parted it down the middle, and then he had that like bowl thing going on in the back. I guess it's a skater cut. Is that what that was called?

It was a skater cut. Did you ever skate though? I would bring my skateboard out onto the back porch and practice my ollie he could do an ollie but nothing else he couldn't be in motion it had to be like a static ollie i couldn't really skate up and down the street i could sit on it and sort of like gravity drift me towards one corner or another i used this is the most embarrassing thing about my style is like skateboarders had like you could tell who was a skateboarder because like one side of their

shoe would be really scuffed up oh yeah they're covered in holes from doing ollies and i didn't skate enough to get like a really good hole so i used to i used to rub my shoe on the side of the house to get it appropriately scuffed. I didn't know this. Is there anything more mortifying than a cool kid seeing you do that? Oh, my God. What are you doing? On my way to school,

sometimes I just drag my left foot on the sidewalk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone had found me out, I would have been very, very embarrassed. You'd have been a fraud, a phony. Yeah. Oh, my God. I really did not know that.

So much effort to fake it that, like, you could have just practiced skateboarding. Right. If I had practiced skateboarding, if I had spent as much time just, like, standing on the skateboard as I spent in the garage with sandpaper whittling down my shoe. You'd be a pro. I could be Tony Hawk whittling down my shoe. You'd be a pro. I could be Tony Hawk whittling my shoe. Next up on the X Games, we're going to be whittling our shoes. Whoa, look at him go.

He whittled his shoes so quickly. Tony Hawk perfecting the 1080. So our episode is already up of the Easy Chair. Yeah, yeah, it's up this week. And you can find it by Googling The Easy Chair, going to headgum.com. Yeah. Or by searching Laura Hurwitz on iTunes. Yeah, laurahrwitz.com.

Didn't we have some, yeah, I don't know how to find your podcast. If you just go to headgum.com. Go to headgum, because they're the best. Yeah. Best podcast network going. That's right, yeah. Your son started a podcast network.

How does that make you feel? I could not be prouder. Could not started a podcast network. How does that make you feel? I could not be prouder. Could not be prouder. What does your other son do? Jack shit? I'm sure he's going to finish his senior year very well.

He actually, he's going to graduate college. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to throw it in. That sounded really mean. I actually built a podcast thing.

I actually do pretty well without college. And you're welcome. I saved you and dad $100,000 worth of debt. So sorry about that. Sorry about that. Can I actually just get the, however much money you guys spent to get Micah through college,

can I just have that in a check? Let's talk to dad about that one. It's fucked up. The only Hurwitz that saved any money on college. And I'm also the only Hurwitz that's doing anything worth a damn. Didn't your older sister do a lot of work, volunteer work? As in she doesn't make a goddamn profit. Meanwhile, I'm making, trust me, more than just chump change on it on all the podcasts that

are under my umbrella and shake and let me tell you what i'll tell you a little something about my umbrella it's raining outside it's not just raining it's pouring and and the sound the the rain doesn't make a drip drip drip sound it makes a ka-ching ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. Why are you holding an umbrella if it's raining money? Because I don't want it to hit my head. How are you going to get the money, though? I collect it in the street. What do you do?

It cascades off the umbrella into a funnel that takes it to a bank. A funnel? I've made a Rube Goldberg contract. It's not important. It's not important. It's not literal ass so you're standing on the funnel. Rachel does a really great job of, she's a Spanish to English translator

for victims of domestic abuse whose first language isn't English. Not a lot of cash in that, though. No, but she explains what a restraining order. We have one podcast where the Rosenberg twins invent

shit. You know, Jake, honestly, I do talk about you as a sort of reverse cautionary tale because like everything that your parents usually tell you not to do you did and it got you where you are so which is where you're in a real good position up shits creek without a paddle congratulations with an umbrella. Because the water's getting warm. Yeah, I remember the days of just waiting in the computer room

to hide my report card until the mail came. Oh, yeah. It was like everybody knew it was coming. It was a race to the mailbox to see if I could hide it before they found it. Now it's all online. Yeah. There's no hiding. There's Yeah. There's no hiding.

There's emails. There's no hiding. The truth is just out there. It is. That's interesting. That's too bad. Did you know that we're going to Austin for South by Southwest?

Yeah, I heard that. HeadGum is doing three shows. That is unbelievable. That is so cool. It's our first podcast festival of sorts. Are you on a big stage with people around you? Yeah, it's a very big stage. It's our first podcast festival of sorts. Like, are you on a big stage with people all around you? Yeah, it's a very big stage. It's just over 300 seats.

The stage itself is... That's super impressive. Do any of the other kids ever do a head gum festival? No, of course not. No, no. Did they ever do a podcast with Amir? I have to be very specific. Otherwise, she'll find something that's good that they do.

Some other shit that they did that's nice. So if you're in Austin, if you're listening and you're in Texas, or if you're far away and you're thinking, you know what would be a fun little road trip? If I go with my boys, my buddies, my girls, my pals, and we go to Austin for the weekend. Austin's a very fun city. It could happen.

When is Southwest by Southwest? That's a great, great question. Our shows are on Thursday, March 10th, and then we have two shows on Friday, March 11th. And we're not only going to be there, but our friends are going to be there. All of your favorite other Hedgum podcasters are going to be there, like the Rosenberg twins,

like Josh Rubin, like Black Man Can't Jump. This is why you're single. She didn't text back. Kevin Kortup and the Gilmore Girls. John Gabers from High and Mighty. They're all going to be there. It's going to be a party every night.

And if you want to meet all of us and hang out and have fun and watch these shows, the tickets are available at ifirewshow.com. Boom. I'm signing up. I'm bringing all my lady friends we're going on the road

it'll be like the golden girls why don't you bring that friend that has a crush on me I will you have two friends that have a crush on me no she has two friends but one of them has a crush on you I have one friend with a crush on you. They're both beautiful.

And they are. They're beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful women. Yeah. Mrs. Robinson's. Very nice. I did go to Berkeley, which is where The Graduate takes place. One of my favorite movies of all time.

So everyone's talking about how they went to college. Oh, come on, man. Whatever. I actually took the SATs twice. Did you take them twice? I did, yeah. Whatever. I actually took the SATs twice. Did you take them twice? I did, yeah. I did. And I think you,

they used to let you combine scores. They do let you combine scores, right? You can take your highest. But I think what happened was like I took, I don't know exactly how it happened, but I took the SATs once. Then we paid for me to take an sat prep course yeah and then i took them again i got the exact same score and my dad was so pissed i was like

what did i get he's like the exact same fucking score really i can't imagine your dad losing your cool oh he's so chill now yeah when we When we were growing up, he screamed. He did. Always screaming. It was terrifying. Raised his voice. Yeah. He was like yellow. So how did he mellow down?

Did his kids just grow up? I think he had so much stuff happen to him. The floor kept falling out from underneath him, and he just kind of gave up. He's like, I'm just zaying now. This is it. This is just it. I'm not going to get excited about anything. And that's kind of where he. He's like, I'm just zanging out. I'm just, this is it. This is just it. I'm not going to get excited about anything. And that's kind of where he is.

Or mad about anything. After I left home, there wasn't really anything for him to get mad about. Because the triplets were so good. They were so well-behaved. Yeah. And Micah's generally, he's well-behaved. Yeah. It was just like me and Hannah were the bad kids.

Yeah. Yeah. And Hannah went to boarding school. So, you know, it kind of all fell on you. The first two. So it's a good thing he kept going. generally he's well behaved yeah it was just like me and hannah were the bad kids yeah yeah and hannah went to boarding school so you know kind of all fell on you the first two so it's a good thing you kept going yeah if at first you don't succeed i'm a success story them out trust me i'm a rag for riches rags my father dressed me in rags as a boy. It was a weird day. I went to school in rags.

Do you have time to answer one last question? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I would love to. This one's from another mother. A mother from another mother. Man, I got to come up with someone else who's nominated for something. You know they're required to nominate five women. It's not like they didn't get as many.

Two of them were guys in drag. I wouldn't be surprised with this Academy. Well, okay, I'm going to go with Charlotte Rampling. I do believe she's nominated. The impressive thing is that you know everybody's name. Yeah, I pay attention to that stuff. Don't know why, but I do. How about Mama?

Charlotte Rampling writes, My daughter is a senior in high school, and I know all moms like to brag about their babies, but she is incredibly bright. 20-80 on her SATs and a 4.9 weighted GPA. She's also hilarious and confident and does very well in social situations. She's in the midst of applying to colleges and her whole family has been very encouraging in

this process. Here's my problem. She has only been considering state schools in our area. Firstly, I support her decision, but I cannot understand why she wouldn't apply to a higher tier school. We met with an advisor who assured us she was a strong candidate for Ivy League universities. I think she's a little obsessed with finances. Her father and I are divorced, and I am ashamed to say that she has been caught in the middle of money-related arguments. She is incredibly financially independent, but it's no mystery that we're lower middle class, to put it optimistically. If she received a lot of financial aid, she would still need to take out loans for the rest of her tuition.

However, I don't want her thinking about this when looking to her future. She's applied to four schools, all of which are very inexpensive, but in my opinion don't provide the quality education that she deserves. There's more. The other day, I used her laptop and saw Cornell's website in her most recent internet history. There's more. to understand that money is not the deciding factor for everything. Furthermore, is it my place to tell her I think her schools of choice are poor choices? Neither her father nor I were very successful in our college years, and I would love to see her make the most out of this time while she is in her prime. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, and I appreciate everything you gentlemen do to brighten my day. Thanks again, Charlotte. Wow, Charlotte.

Charlotte. Actually, I can speak with some authority here because I was a college admissions officer before I was a teacher. Can you imagine me and Jake were just going to try to answer this question? She was a college admissions officer at Yale, actually. At Yale University. And she still couldn't get your ass in. She actually tried to stick your application to the bottom of one that deserved to get in. Not with a 2080. You better believe there's enough just from China alone.

Perfect 2400s to admit not just one, but two classes to Yale. So if you have a 2080, I'm sorry, you're looking at Southern Connecticut State. And that GPA that starts with a four, that's not going to get you into Yale either. I'm sorry, sweetheart. 4.9, 4.5. That is actually maybe for a state school.

Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, no, I mean, one thing that's kind of interesting is that like Ivy League schools like Yale, their needs blind admission policy would make it so if you didn't have a high income, you could pay very little to go to school there. We have a family member who I think paid like $5,000 a year just based on income. So it's all based on a lot of times a state school that doesn't have that policy is going to be more expensive. What's tuition at Yale for standard?

You know, I have to say I'm not exactly sure what it's going to be this year, but around $50,000. Oh, my God. That's so much money. Yeah. For the whole time or just for like even if you don't go to class? But amazingly, like NYU is more expensive. More than 50?

Sarah Lawrence is more expensive. College is a fucking scam. It's a lot. It's a business. You better believe it's the same fucking thing as Starbucks. No, because you go to Starbucks. I love Starbucks. You would never go to school that often.

Real quick, how many people decide who gets into yale um you worked on that i team right i was on the yeah admissions committee there were 12 of us sitting around the table and you guys were the ultimate arbiters of who gets into yale university there were a lot of like checks and balances because you had outside readers and then you had readers on the committee. And every admissions person had a territory that you're in charge of. So you couldn't get one of your children in if you really, really wanted to? Nah, it doesn't work that way. Even if you bribed or like, is there some CD? People tried to do that.

Where it's like, hey, well, you let this person in. It's not really blind. Yeah, no, that, yeah. I had people offer me stuff. I once got a letter with jewels in it from India. Jewel CDs? Yeah, actual, like, loose jewels. Oh, my God.

I got a letter of support. She got a letter from Jewel? Oh, my God. No, I got a letter of support from Mother Teresa for an Indian student. Did that person get in? No. Didn't have a high enough GPA, unfortunately.

Yeah, but yeah, I felt really bad about that one, though. Is the first filter SAT score and GPA? Yeah, I mean, there's like a bench. I think people with certain GPAs and SATs just wouldn't even bother applying. I think people kind of self-select. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But another thing that I just remembered is I had a kid apply who was actually completely in the running to get into Yale.

She was from California. And with her application, she put in a handwritten note, and it said, please do not accept me. My mother really wants me to go, but I don't want to be so far away from home. Wow. And it was just such a move. You threw it away and said, she's in. I was like, she's in. Like I was going to accept you anyway.

But it really like broke my heart. What did you do? I wasn't the person in charge of the territory that that person got in touch with the girls like you know guidance counselor college counselor and i think she ultimately she didn't come to yale and i believe that i don't i don't know whether we rejected her or how we handled that she didn't even come up to committee is it a secret process exactly how somebody gets into yale or not yeah it's a little bit like there's a certain like subjectivity weirdness to it. And like you look at the constellation of school groups and you map things out. And like if you need someone to play the

French horn in the marching band, you might go with that person rather than someone who's like tiebreakers that people wouldn't even think about. Yeah, like weird ones, weird tiebreakers. Wow, French horn. Yeah, yeah. That was one I actually remember that there was a kid who played French horn. I remember, look, I used to look at some of these applications, especially when I was in high school. Because every once in a while, they would like,

even though she wasn't on the committee, or maybe you were, but you would get folders and read them. So I would sometimes read the essays and I would like to get ready for college. And like, it was just every single app, like you didn't stand out if you had a perfect SAT and if you were class president. That's like the beginning. Yeah. That's the base level.

Yeah. That's like what it took to be able to apply. And then after that, then you have to play the French horn. So 2400, 50 gpa is like all right let's read this application yeah yeah that's kind of how it is and then 50 of those people just don't get it yeah i mean there's a rating there's one is admit um two is admit with reservations and that's when you discuss things that committee three is reject with reservation and you generally don't discuss those folks and four four is just like, put it in the corner.

Wow. So, yeah, it's a brutal process. And how many of the applications that you would review, how many would you get ones, twos, threes, and four? I probably, in an entire admission season, gave two ones. But those ones are not even reviewed by other people? They're like, all right, this is guaranteed. It's like, yeah, if it's your territory, it your territory it's like okay well that that person you could you could

almost like personally be like i have autonomy to give a one well you said that you still have the committee it still meets and a computer you have a computer in front of you and the score goes up and if you see it's a one yeah um there's just not so much discussion it's like oh you must really want this kid yeah and then you kind of defend it a little bit but usually it's like yeah i mean if you gave him a one and kids got to be i mean usually it's the person who won the westinghouse science prize and like national was an entrepreneur for yeah and they they're going to get into harvard they're going to get into yale they're going to get into princeton stanford they're going to get in everywhere so yeah that going to get into Yale. They're going to get into Princeton, Stanford. They're going to get in everywhere.

So yeah, that's a rarity. A lot of people are twos. And then we used to do these things where we'd have two pluses or straight twos or two minuses. So yeah. I would have been rejected with reservation though. You know, I bet you anything you would have been right in the running, Amir. I really think you would have been. Well, I got rejected from Stanford, and I think they're a little more lax than Yale.

Stanford's really, I think Stanford's super hard to get into. Yeah, you're right. I think it's right up there. What does this girl do? Oh, yeah. This mother. This mother's just like listening to the podcast, so afraid we're not going to answer the question. All right, that first theme song was from no no no i i think that the mother is it's fine for the mother to give the daughter

her opinion that she wishes she would apply to these other school to ivy league schools but the daughter's probably waiting for it in some senses i bet she like doesn't she's afraid to it sounds like she's doing all this stuff because she doesn't want to stress her mom out but right i agree but then there's the whole thing about um how a lot of schools have needs She's afraid to, it sounds like she's doing all this stuff in secret because she doesn't want to stress her mom out. Right, I agree. But then there's the whole thing about how a lot of schools have needs-blind admissions and you've got financial aid based on your need. So that part of it, the financial part of it, is sort of not even an issue. If the girl doesn't want to go away from home,

I mean, that might be something else she might want to consider. And some state schools have really great honors programs and stuff. They do. And they're cheap and they're great and they're good. And that's fine by me. It is. You don't need to go to an Ivy League school. That's true.

I mean, the prestige or whatever, that's, I think, less important than having a really, really good... Experience in college. Yeah, college experience. There was also, or some people make the case where it's better to be the smartest kid at a school rather than be the dumbest kid in an ivy league i think i read that in freaking omics or something yeah that makes sense to me i think this

lady just needs to have like a really candid discussion with her daughter because it's it's almost like they can't have an honest conversation about college because they're avoiding the issue of money and where the daughter might really want to go to school so at the very least they gotta just like put all the cards on the table to decide where the best place for her to go to school is i come i completely agree yeah so i think that's that's really good advice just have a candid conversation do you think i'm smart i do think you're smart i really do you are're smart. I really do. You are very smart. Why didn't I ever apply myself to shit, mom?

Like, why didn't it show? I wish I was better with numbers and shit. Why was I afraid of? Why was I busy scuffing my shoe instead of learning shit? Now I'm not lazy, but I don't have the necessary temptation to take it to the next level. I wish you had instilled in me a confidence that being a good student is just as cool as being a good skater. Work ethic is important and it needs to start young. Thanks for coming on our show. This was the most fun.

I agree. This was honestly the most fun. You guys are wonderful, hilarious. I just love hanging out with you. You're wonderful and hilarious. And do you want to plug anything aside from your podcast? The Easy Chair on HeadGum.com? Yeah, The Easy Chair on...

Oh, yeah, you know what? I wrote a novel, and it's called Disappear Home. And it was released last year, but it's out on paperback this year. Wow. And it's about hippies in the 1970s. It's about a depraved commune. Always a fun topic.

Yes, and I read it and I loved it and I cried on the plane. Oh man, that's so sweet. Unrelated. I was watching a beautiful movie. I was watching the box trolls. Moving film. But yeah, I'll plug that.

And I'm also writing another novel, but I can't plug it because I don't know what it's going to be called yet. I'm also writing another novel, but I can't plug it because I don't know what it's going to be called yet. I have my name for it, but I think it's going to get retooled. Cool. What's your name? Just because I'm curious.

Oh, I'm calling it The Skinny, like as the truth, but it's also about someone with an eating disorder. So, yeah. Heavy stuff. Yeah, it was a little bit. It's a little bit. It's The Skinny. That was bad. Bad, bad, bad. so wow yeah heavy stuff yeah it was a little bit it's a little bit we should also uh plug our new shows on head gum we have five new shows on head gum oh wow so if you're done with this podcast you're like you know what i could listen to some more podcasts

can we interest you in let's talk about me baby a new podcast uh with host UTK. Jake and I are on the pilot episode of his. It's a conversation. It's a podcast where people, his friends, come on the show and talk about him. Because so often the guests talk about themselves. Yeah. And what's the point of having your own podcast if you're not going to talk about yourself? Exactly. There's a lot of today talking about me and I liked it.

Another podcast we have is called We Watch Wrestling. Three very funny guys talk about wrestling if you're a wrestling fan you will love this podcast told to me that it was the best wrestling podcast by several wrestling fan friends of mine are there any other wrestling podcasts there are many it doesn't matter if there are any other wrestling podcasts yeah dude uh so if you guys are wrestling fans, must listen to We Watch Wrestling if you're a wrestling fan. Coffee with Crachel,

another podcast of ours, is hosted by two very funny individuals, Chris and Rachel. Oh, I was wondering where Crachel got from. That's clever. Like it, like it.

Cloverfields, which is Mike and Steve, also from SourceFed, who have an entire podcast dedicated to Cloverfield, the movie, because there's a whole ethos and world surrounding it and a sequel coming out. And if you find yourself wanting to know more about Cloverfield, then we highly recommend Cloverfields, another podcast on the head give network and lastly esports experts which is an esports podcast which is hosted by kyle fox mr rick fox's offspring yeah who's also been on our show and jennifer jing uh so if you like esports or wrestling or cloverfield or crachel or utk or coffee uh or Rachel check them out support our new shows

headgum.com the opening theme song was written by Dead Relatives aka Cane Breakers and this closing one was written by Noam Fleischman

who sounds like somebody I was bar mitzvahed with Noam Fleischman if you have your own questions your own theme songs your own anything

the email address is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com thanks again for coming on our show laura oh my god and thanks for being the best mom in the whole wide world i adore you both this is a bonus thursday episode so we'll be back in a few short days oh come on we'll talk we'll see you guys on monday and we'll see you guys in Austin Bye everybody Alright If I were you

I'd listen To these two Jews And hear exactly What they have Listen to these two Jews And heed Exactly what they Have to say If they don't give you good advice They'll make fun of you Anyway