Segments - 198: Peyton Manning

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

In this episode we discuss being funny, being nine, and our Super Bowl billboard bet. This episode is brought to you by Soylent and ClubW.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. You're funny, man. You really are. Yo, don't ruin it by saying that. That's really funny, I think. What do I do, man? Yo, you do. Yo, do you. There's a place where people go To get their stupid problems solved

Advice is funny, names are fake Listen to Amir and Jake For the greatest podcast show around So let's sit back, relax, and listen to the podcast. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you all about you. If I were you, if I were you, oh, Jake, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh. Did it just stop?

It didn't just stop, but it did end eventually. Abruptly? Yes, I would say it didn't fade out. Hmm, cool. Anyway, we're here. Just adding to my Snapchat the end to the bird-spiracy 2K16. What are you talking about? I'll tell you in a second.

Okay. I'm just going you in a second. Okay. I'm just going to pose a little peace sign. Uh-huh. There we go. All right. So, during the big game... There was a big game today. Yeah.

We're recording this after the Super Bowl. So, during the Super Bowl, there was a bird on our house. Was it a bird of prey? I don't believe so, but I actually... I guess I don't know very much about this bird species. So, pray tell about this bird. So, I was Snapchatting the bird, and I was asking folks what kind of bird they thought it was. This is actually the second time I've used Snapchat to figure out a bird species.

I'm sort of, I use it for mostly orniculture. Yeah. It's what I use Snapchat for. So instead of taking a picture and then looking it up later, what you'll do is Snapchat it and then have other people figure it out for you. And the votes are in. Very many for blue heron. A blue heron.

A blue heron. Some for gray heron, and a lot of just plain old her is one, I thought it was either a heron or a crane. Which is funny because my favorite Mad Men character is Heron Crane. Oh, that's cool. Played by Rich Sommer. Yeah, then there was a couple people calling it a vulture. Somebody guessed lobster, which was way off. A couple people said a dactyl.

Yeah, a bird. Someone just called me a homo for liking birds in the first place. A balloon homo. Yeah, that's a bit homophobic, actually. Yeah, which you didn't agree with. So yeah, I'm just updating my Snapchat to let everybody know. Got it.

That song, we should say, was written by an artist or a band, and they're called Clear Pioneer. And you can find them on Facebook and Snapchat. Sorry, Facebook and SoundCloud. You've poisoned my mind with this. Follow me on Snapchat, JakeDumbMan85. And follow Dave Rosenberg, DaveyRosey.

Oh, he'd be so mad. It's Dave Rosey? It's Dave Rosey,ie Davey Rosie. Oh, he'd be so mad. It's Dave Rosie? It's Dave Rosie, not Davey. He texted me last time I shouted it out. I was like... Is it worse to say it incorrectly or is it worse to not say anything at all? I don't know.

I think it's not great to say it. I think if you say it incorrectly, you might as well not say anything at all because you can't add Snapchat. You can't add them if they right there's no did you mean yeah uh so really quickly we did have a bet for the super bowl yeah third year in a row first year i had denver you had seattle seattle won that was the first inaugural billboard bet right the loser had to get a billboard with whatever the winner decided

you put you put up a billboard in los feliz in la near where we live uh of me on tinder saying hipsters of los feliz swipe me on tinder yeah and that was a lot of fun uh second year i i wanted to be vindicated i took seattle i was like all right i didn't take seattle the first year i'll take seattle next year yeah you took New England. New England won. In a very stunning fashion. They intercepted it at the goal line to win miraculously.

That billboard never went up. We kept waiting for billboard prices in LA to go down to a reasonable rate. And they are there. It's an inflated market. You didn't want to spend the price of a car on a billboard. Yeah, just to tell everybody that you were horny or something. Yeah. Not quite worth it. This year, I took, after a lot of soul searching,

I took Denver. Yeah. And I didn't want to give you the spread either. That's right. I said, you know what? Six point underdogs, we don't need it. I'm going to take up Denver because, one, I've tried taking the favorite, it didn't work. Two, I've tried taking Denver before, it didn't work. Three, I'm just going to choose the team with the best defense and hope for the best. Right.

Finally got to turn my luck around. Denver not only won, but they won pretty convincingly. It wasn't even close. It was a sad showing. Yeah, they made the Panthers look like a joke. You really do have to bet on the defense. For some reason, I just imagined the entire Denver team was as old as Peyton Manning. Yeah.

And I forgot that they weren't all Peyton. He's so old and bad. He's so frail. He's so thin. Yeah. You can see his stomach padding come out like his ribs are protruding. He looks like a toddler. He looks like an underweight toddler.

Yeah, they should have just strutted out Papa John himself to play quarterback. Couldn't have done a lot worse than Peyton Manning. Fortunately, Von Miller and the rest of the Broncos D just dominated. Yeah, they just couldn't take them down. They destroyed. So, this is the idea. We found billboards not in LA. Yeah, what website did you, Lamar? So this is the idea. We found billboards not in LA. Yeah.

What website did you? Lamar? Yeah. We found there are billboards. It turns out there's billboards in other cities. And some of them, if we get rural enough, are affordable again. Yeah. So we're just going to buy a random billboard in like Michigan.

Yeah. Or I think it would be cool if we did one in Denver, one near Denver, one near North Carolina. Oh, yeah. Someplace where it's up to our fans to find them and get them and take a photo because we're not going to be close to them. Right. But since you owe me one, I owe you one, maybe we can do two billboards, dueling billboards,

one across from the other on a rural highway somewhere. That would be ideal. That sounds really nice. Or an electronic billboard that keeps switching back and forth. Oh, that would be dope. sounds really nice or an electronic billboard that keeps switching oh that would be dope that's probably expensive though or what about like the non-electronic billboards the one that are like triangles and they rotate yeah so it'll be like jake is a small penis man and then the next one is like jake is a big penis man yeah that's what i would and then that's gonna be my billboard. It's not going to be anti-me. It's just going to be pro-you.

Yeah. It just needs to counteract whatever you, whatever slander, whatever libel you can spin my way. And then the third one is just going to be a Lululemon ad because we didn't buy the third one. Right. Of course. So it'll be like, Lululemon, Jake is a small dick.

Jake is an average dick. That's how much I... Yeah. I just want the record to be set straight. Yeah. Not one for hyperbole. Or we just go pro each other. Amir is a big dick. Jake is a big dick. Also, North Face. Yeah. The third one. And that's a great company. We'll find something. It's going to be easy. It's going to be fun. Yeah, we're going to do it this year. Let's make that pact. I'm just glad to finally have won one.

Got the schneid, the monkey off my back. Yeah, man. I really wanted to create that dynasty. Yeah, three in a row. Can you imagine? You know how hard it is to win three Super Bowls in a row? I mean, next year is basically a toss-up now, too. Because then we could be tied next year.

Yeah, and then what? It would have been great to just be up 3-0. Yeah, that means you... That's basically an insurmountable lead. It would take me at least three years just to tie you. And we're not even going to be friends for another three years. No, absolutely not. After you see the billboard that I write, it's going to be vitriol.

It's going to be hate speech about your mother. It's going to be deep, dark secrets that you wish were never out are going to be broadcast to Jacksonville, North Carolina, wherever that is. So, yeah, I don't know. It was a fun game if you were rooting for the Broncos. Otherwise, it was just sort of a low-scoring, sad affair. So, what is this podcast? Basically, Jake and I make bets every year. And then for 51 weeks, we don't really mention it, and then on the last week of the year, we do. And in addition to that, this is an advice podcast.

It's called If I Were You. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We are getting real emails from real people. They need our advice, and it's not always about football, though a lot of the times it should be, because we

clearly know what we're talking about. Yeah, dude. And sometimes we sift through these emails. It's ifireashowatgmail.com. And we come up with the best four questions or so to answer. Since we were watching football all day, we didn't get to do that. Right. So what we're going to do is we did this game a couple weeks ago oh the game boy i know i forget the voice is he

returned i am the game boy he's back right yeah yes yes dude the game boy the game boy is back uh and the way the game works is that since all our emails are in a gmail you're just gonna give me a word to search. I'm going to search it, and then I'm just going to read an email at random to try to answer people's advice. Perhaps emails that we wouldn't have got to otherwise. Right, exactly. So it's a shot in the dark, but sometimes it's better than nothing. So do you have a word for me to search in this Gmail? I've got one.

Ponzi scheme. That's actually two words. Yeah. So've got one. Ponzi scheme. That's actually two words. Yeah. So maybe you just do Ponzi. Oh my God. How many times is the word Ponzi not followed by scheme? Yeah, that's what I'm banking on.

Yeah. I'll search Ponzi triangle and maybe somebody did a typo. There's no Ponzi. No Ponzi. 15,000 emails, not one Ponzi. All right. No one has been... Scheme is actually a pretty funny word to search no Ponzi. No Ponzi. 15,000 emails, not one Ponzi. Alright. No one has been Scheme is actually a pretty funny word to search.

Yeah, Scheme's pretty good. Scheme. I really wanted that specific Scheme. Yeah. I'll search non-Ponzi schemes. Oh. Oh, there's not a lot. No, there's a good amount of Schemes. Should I choose one at random? Yeah, well, what's the number?

1 through 50? Yeah. Okay, what's the number? 1 through 50? Yeah. Okay, I'll go 22. All right, I'm just going to guesstimate. A lot of effort over there, huh? All right, I got one. Okay. This one is written by, we'll call him Von Miller, Super Bowl MVP, of course.

So this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Nice. But in front of girls, I'm really funny. Like by the end of the night, they tell me that I'm the funniest kid they've ever met. But I'm never able to close the deal. Never. How can I use this quote unquote talent, which is pretty useless at this point, to pick up girls? The finale was great, by the way.

I swear when my dad saw me watching and he got mad at me and freaking, yeah, my dad freaking moved. So this was written a year ago when we stopped making videos. That was a good Jake and Amir bit, though. My dad kept moving. Every time he's disappointed in you, he moves. Why did he have to do it more than once? He could have just moved once. He moved out of my life.

Well, you always move with him. Oh, I follow him? It's like I'm living in LA with my dad, and then he moves to Buffalo. And then he got disappointed, and then he moved again. Because there was one time that you were booed during the talent show, your dad is like all right we're uprooting the family you embarrassed us you stained the family name yet again i was saying you're right we all move yeah it's like all right we're moving and then you and then you uh then you get kicked out of school and your dad is like all right we've soiled our good name in this town as well. Yeah. Round it up. We're moving. He should just move without me.

So how can he... I like that this guy says this skill is completely useless at this point because I'm not using it to fuck. Yeah. So what's the point of being funny if you're not getting fucked? Trust me,

you can definitely use being funny to have sex. But it's just... It's one of those things where you... it's not really a closer for that night. Oh, it's more of a long game. Yeah, you are, you're funny and people want to hang out with you and then they get to know you. You're funny, you're nice, you're cool, you're not super thirsty, which right now he is, which is why my advice is to care a little bit less about sex and care mostly about just making people laugh. Oh, so you set it up.

You're sowing the seeds. And then if people think you're funny and they want to hang out with you all the time, eventually they'll want to have sex with you. Girls say that a lot as the, what's the one thing you're looking for in a guy? And then a lot of it is like a sense of humor. Yeah. But doesn't it seem like it's better to be hot and unfunny i think there's like it's probably the best to be hot and funny

yeah that would be obviously the ultimate it's really a toss-up hot and not funny would you rather be funny and ugly or hot and unfunny? I would way rather be hot and unfunny. But I don't know if that would... You can't be hot and ugly. I'm sorry. I would way rather be hot, not funny. Hot and ugly. Our new sitcom on CBS. That's what the billboards are for.

It's Laurel and Hardy, but we stripped away everything. Hot and ugly. Yeah. But just because I would rather be that doesn't mean that that's what people prefer. It is funny to think that some people are not funny. So I've only had conversations where I thought at least one of the people was funny, and that's me. Right. It's like, oh, I just had this really dry conversation.

I tried to make it funny, but the other guy didn't. But there exists, and I've never seen it, because when am I ever just voyeuristically eavesdropping on two unfunny people? Just talking. Or in a relationship. An unfunny guy and an unfunny girl going through life, never joking.

Yeah, just like being doctors or something. Yeah, they just go, they are a doctor. That's right, a serious doctor and a serious garbage man. Yeah. That's right. The girl is the doctor. Did I just blow your sexist mind? Oh, how can that possibly be? Oh, wow. A girl can't be a garbage man. That's right. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, she can only be a garbage person. Oh, wow. And I actually think all girls are garbage people. You're mansplaining sanitation workers to me. Yeah, you're garbage mansplaining this to me. Two unfunny people having a relationship where weeks go by without jokes. That's possible, right? I think they, I guess I don't know, but I would imagine unfunny people have jokes that they think are funny.

Oh, and then we just disagree. Like, they have to laugh and smile. But there are some people who are serious all the time. Yeah, that's true. So two serious people just going through life. And then, like, once a year, they'll see a comedy show and laugh. And it'll all come out of them. Like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's good to laugh, isn't it, honey? Oh, oh. It's using part of their throat that they've never used before. Get me out of here. It's so small. I gotta go home and watch CSI. What were we talking about? How could this guy use being funny, which is useless to him,

because right now people just enjoy his company. Yeah. He's not fucking them. What am I supposed to go home and jerk off to the laughs? That's not good. It seems as though, sir, girls do like,

ladies do like, women do like a sense of humor. It's obviously not a be all end all that's not going to be like oh you're terrible in every other way but funny so that's good right it's a good at the very least a tiebreaker if i got like most people i wouldn't say most people but some people let's say 40 of people are average on a spectrum between 30th to 70th percentile some of them are slightly below some of them are slightly below, some of them are slightly above. They're not super hot or super ugly. Most people are not

super hot or super ugly. Okay, follow. So if you're like in that average range, it comes down to tiebreakers. What else do you got? Some people are successful, some people are confident, some people are funny right and i actually think confidence is more important than humor but they do sort of go hand in hand it's hard to be funny and then super unconfident right right because a lot of what happens there's like lots of really funny people that are afraid to make jokes and they just like say them under their breath yeah or like they have to like take a long yeah they take a long time to like come out of their shells and then like oh wow that guy's really guy's really funny. When you get to know him, you wouldn't think that at first

because he's so quiet. There are things like having really great hair and being tall and broad-shouldered that get you laid instantly. Like a little quicker. Yeah. Like someone could tap your shoulder at the bar and be like, you're hot.

Oh, that's good. But nobody's going to tap your shoulder at the bar and be like you're hot oh that's good but like nobody's gonna tap your shoulder at the bar and be like you're funny well my girlfriends all noticed how funny you were across the bar yeah we overheard a joke you said and it was so fucking funny as long as you're not like just don't be too impatient holy shit did you see that guy who just walked in here he's so funny he's so fucking funny oh my god i don't think i've ever seen someone that funny in real life he just yeah do you see the way he ordered the drink and then he slipped out a banana peel look at that hot ass funny guy he's holding a rubber chicken it's a clown drinking alone at a

bar holy shit is that ronald mcdonald although ronald mcdonald wasn't funny he was just a clown but he was tall and he was hot ronald mcdonald was tall and hot i forgot about that yeah i forgot that he was hot that's my ronald my one and only ronald that's my ronald mick hot i think we know the next word we're searching hell yeah ronald mcdonald's should we i guess it'd be fun to see if anybody's ever written about that hi i have a pretty weird question uh stay with me here it What if it's just Ronald McDonald wrote us an email once? Wow. There's two questions. Oh, wow. There's only one

that has Ronald and McDonald back to back. Let's read. It's perfect. The beginning is perfect. Wow. Go ahead. We answered this guy's question, right? Chill out. Yeah, yeah. It'll happen.

Yeah. We love you. It's a lady who will call is perfect wow go ahead we answered this guy's question right chill out yeah it'll happen yeah we love you um it's a lady who will call cam no we already did this one yeah uh uh a female uh lady gaga saying the anthem that's good that's good lady gaga for hallow, I dressed up as Ronald McDonald by wearing a red wig and carrying around a cheeseburger all night. I don't know if Ronald McDonald carried a cheeseburger around. It was a hamburglar. Yeah, a female. A sexy hamburglar is what she should have been. I went to a party in the city and really hit it off with a nice girl getting her number at the end of the night.

A week later, I called her up and told her who I was, and she was flabbergasted that I was a man. Turns out this guy is a man. All right. Okay. Let's rethink that. So a guy writes, dressed up as Ronald McDonald, talked it off, chatted with a girl, called her, and she was flabbergasted that he was a man, which is kind of confusing because

Ronald McDonald is a man. I guess I have feminine features. So when she saw a red wig and cheeseburger, she thought I was Wendy. Now she wants to go on a date, but I'm pretty disturbed that she thought I was a female for the whole night. Should I tap that or pass that?

Huh. It's really funny. The reason I got confused about his gender, the question is called gender confusion, is because this guy, I won't say this guy's real name, but it's the equivalent of Benjamin Leslie. And I thought it was like Leslie Benjamin. But he's like, no, my name is Benjamin Leslie, not the other way around. It's funny that his problem is like people confusing his gender, and then you immediately did that upon reading his email. Yes, and not only that, but his email address is leslie.ben.

So, like, I assumed it was a woman. Jeez, this guy is a woman. I'm convinced of it. She's a fucking Wendy. Okay, so why did the girl... The girl's like, oh, I thought you were a female ronald mcdonald now i want to date you yeah because you're a guy so she gave this guy her number because she like wanted just a friend and then when she found out it was a guy she was like cool i'll go out with

you now i guess so but like is does that make okay Now, but he's still pretty disturbed. Why should he be disturbed? I'm still pretty disturbed that she thought it was a few over the whole night. I've had things like that happen where, like, if people sort of, like, it's not like having, it's starting off not even on the wrong foot, but, like, on the sort of, like, this girl's negged him in a way. Like, she's made fun of his manliness. Right. Like, Oh wow. I thought you were a girl.

All right. Yeah. Let's go out. It's like, Oh, well shit. I, but now that he,

wait, first of all, when did this happen to you? Nobody thought I was a girl, but like, um, I think it was a long time ago where I was like hitting on somebody and they thought that I was gay.

Oh yeah. And then like it, and then, you know, by the time we're going to go out, I well i don't know if i want to i don't even know maybe i am gay it's a shit you were right my name is ben leslie after all uh but if it seems like it was a miscommunication or a misunderstanding and he's insulted. But he shouldn't take it out on her. It's not her fault.

Right. You shouldn't be that insulted because you were in a costume. Yeah, that's true. So, like, if it was just you at a bar in a collared shirt and she thought you were a woman, then maybe that's a little weird. It's pretty funny that you dress up as Ronald McDonald and everyone calls you Wendy all night. That's a really funny joke. Wendy, I'm not fucking... Oh, god damn it.

I'm a man clown. Does this look like a Baconator to you, dumbass? It's a quarter pounder with cheese. Now get it right or pay the price. Shit, it's Whopper. You are eating a Frosty, though. Shut it. She thought I was Wendy. She wants to go out on a date.

So when they were hitting it off, she just thought it was like a gal talking to another gal. Yeah, she thought it was like a friend thing. It'd be really funny if you showed up for the date dressed as Ronald McDonald. Or the Burger King. Or you the Burger Queen. Or, uh, what's

the purple guy's name grimace grimace yeah that was not a necessary mcdonald's character i don't think it's just a big purple raindrop grimace what was the point of that one why grit like grimace is also a negative yeah thing so you got the hamburg, he steals hamburgers. That's good. Well, that's not even, also that's not great because it's sort of like saying you don't have to pay for McDonald's. No, but he was considered a bad guy.

Oh, right. Because he was stealing the hamburger. So you assume that McDonald's doesn't have any hamburgers? I don't think so. They have really bad marketing. Because why the clown at all? Yeah. Ronald McDonald, scary clown making food wasn't

there a giant bird woman oh uh big bird no that's an elmo who's the bird was there a bird in mcdonald's why couldn't they just fucking pick one we're gonna go withimace at the end of the day. Birdie the early bird. Remember this? Oh, no? Vaguely? Oh, shit. You know what? This is the bird from your Snapchat. Really?

Right? I really do think it was a great blue heron, but maybe you're right. Maybe it was the early bird. This one at least makes sense because it's like the early bird catches the... Oh, is that like the breakfast spokesperson? Yeah, maybe so. That makes sense. Birdie the early bird. Okay.

Anyway. I wouldn't... We wouldn't be... Read too much into it, right? You don't have to not go out on a date. Yeah. I think it's like think it's it's like funny enough that it's like gonna be kind of nice fodder for the date especially if you show up

looking extra doodly oh that's good so like glue a beard on your face yeah uh break your nose oh because he said he has like feminine features so features. So, like, a big bumpy nose. Yeah. And, like, five o'clock shadow. If he maybe, like, shaves the top of his head so it looks like he's balding a bunch. Like, very, very manly. I never thought of a big bumpy nose as manly. Then again, you have a broken nose.

Yeah. So, you're just describing describing yourself it's a strong feature a big bumpy nose we're playing guess who again is your guy herman yes uh uh all right actually i'm bernard a fucker i'm wendy was wendy a who? I thought I could think of Alright that was Ronald McDonald Um Shit Let's take a quick break Thank a few more sponsors And then we'll be back with more questions and answers

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings the primary food for the great blue heron is small fish though it is also known to opportunistically feed on a wide range of shrimp crabs aquatic insects rodents and other small mammals amphibians reptiles and birds so it is a bird of prey. You learn something new every day. What did you say? And welcome back to our podcast.

We mostly discuss birds. Parents locate their food by sight and usually swallow it whole. So, why was it... They have been known to choke on prey that is too large. Why was it 15 miles inland, I wonder? Well, it's not far from a body of water, but also they're all over North America in the Los Angeles Valley year-round. Oh, there you have it. And in Mexico during the winter, way up North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming in the breeding period.

And during migration, they'll fly over the Rockies. Hey, speaking of flying over the Rockies, we have a show coming up in just over a month. Oh, yeah, because we will be flying over the Rockies. Yeah, that's true. To Austin Tejas. That's right, and I will be eating primarily fish. Yeah, swallowing it whole. Yeah, that's right, and if it's too big, I will choke and die on stage.

Of course. But we're having a HeadGum podcast fest of sorts, where we're having three shows over the course of two days. Thursday, March 10th. Friday, March 11th at 3. And then another show Friday at 7. We're going to be there. Our podcast live show, Twinnovation, Black Man Can't Jump, High and Mighty, Josh's Mindhouse, This Is Why You're Single, Kevin Porter will be there.

She didn't text back? She didn't text back. It's too many to name, though we just did. And all the information and all the tickets still available at ifireyoushow.com. We're on our Facebook or Twitter. We're promoting right now. If you live in or near Austin, highly recommend. Let's fucking road trip there.

Oh, dude, you want to? Yeah. Oh, no no not us but i'm saying if you live in like dallas i was so excited i would be so fucking i don't want to drive 25 what about taking a train that would actually be a little tedious okay yeah because that too would take a very long time yeah 14 hours or something like that no more than that oh definitely more halfway across the country 20 hours I would say even more than 20 hours. 24 hours.

24 hours on a train. And I bet it's not even one train. We'd have to switch. We'd have to change cars. They might do like a, yeah, no, probably, maybe. I looked it up last year. And? It was, yeah, it was long.

But I think it might have been just like one, maybe it was two trains. Well, however you get there, it's going to be a fun party. We're going to be at all the shows, performing at one, but hanging out after, before, during. So come on by. Come and chill with us. Buy me a whiskey. I'll buy you one too. Actually, I won't.

Don't hold me in that. That could get very expensive very fast. I also don't want everyone to buy me whiskey because then I'll get really, really trashed. And I want to get really trashed, but over the course of a long evening. So let's just do, you know, we're just going to... Maybe I'll start with a cider. We're going to do friendly shots.

Oh, good shots. I'm not going to do them all the time, but I'll do one round with a bunch of folks. That's good, yeah. I'll, yeah, actually, you know what, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to buy everyone a round, man. Fuck, man. Everyone line up.

This one's on me. Shit, I'm getting drunk just thinking about it. My card's open. Y'all know my name. What is it? Nobody's there. This is Wednesday afternoon. You're on a train in the middle of New Mexico.

All right. Let's get back to these questions. People who are just desperately seeking our advice. Do you have another? I come up with two already. Oh, yeah. So I'll come up with one. Yeah, dude.

I mean, Christ. What's a good one? Oh, how about mustard? That's actually pretty good. Yeah, because today I had a hot dog, which is a pretty neat little snack for a football game. All right. So on the hot dog, sometimes people put a mustard swirl.

It's sort of like a sine wave rotating up and down the wiener. And finally... I misspelled mustard, and I wrote custard. I'll take it. No, there is... Wow. Oh, there's two. One's a theme song submission.

Okay, we don't need that. And the other one, you won the game. Why? There was only one email with mustard. Well, there's also... The Game Boy. There was also only one email with mustard. The Game Boy. There was also only one email with Ronald McDonald. I won the game too. Sounds like a pretty boring game if multiple people can win.

I won first. So you won. How do you win first and then also we still play? The winner is second. Oh, go. Everyone wins when the Game Boy plays. We're all winners. You're the winner.

So what's the rule of the one question thing? Huh? That's unrelated? The Game Boy is confused. The Game Boy is now scared. Please do not bully the Game Boy. The Game Boy has night terrors. The Game Boy didn't grow up with many friends.

He talks like a weirdo. He played many games by himself. And everyone was the winner, including the Game Boy. He doesn't play well with others. Which is an ironic name for such a Game Boy. The Game Boy just wants to be liked. All right. This one comes from whom? It a man a man we'll name

he didn't get a lot of love this super bowl so why don't we give it up for greg olson greg olson sup bros i love that to preface oh i am a student in uni with a part-time job sounds british here's where the story begins. I was at the bar with guys after work last night and we met up with my friend's neighbor, let's call her Jess, her friends and some nurses we had previously met. Nice dude. After last call, we all went back to the nurse's place and got really fucked up there. Yes, dude. I spent half the night slow dancing and being a big old fucking tease to Jess.

At the end of the night my friend was trying to get me to go home with her but i said no because i had lab at 8 30 the next morning smart so my bud fucking drove me home at four in the morning i was supposed to get up at six for the lab but i ended up sleeping until 10 30 problem is if you miss a lab you fail the class so i needed a doctor's note i filled up a glass with water and mustard and downed that shit to make me vomit out the beans i ate whose sole purpose was to look disgusting on the way back up i then headed to the doctors and got a note by lying through my teeth i guess the whole forcing myself to vomit wasn't really necessary no it's not

side note i ended up throwing up for real in the middle of class and in a bus station garbage. So now I have smiley face messages on my phone from Jess. I see Jess often enough at parties, but I really have no interest in her. Should I avoid her? Should I be friendly? Or should I just hit that twat making everything even more awkward? Thanks, guys.

Wait. See, this is a good example of a question we wouldn't necessarily answer if left to our own devices. Because it doesn't actually ask us anything. It's a funny story and then it just makes a fucking 180 degree U-turn. Right. Do I hook up with this girl or no, I don't like her? That's the question. Yeah.

And he just wanted to also share with us what a moron he is for, I guess, giving himself food poisoning when all he needed to do was go to the doctor and lie. It's a good example of how, when left to your own devices idiots can convince themselves of anything so he's like i need a doctor's note all right that's one normal thought let me drink mustard water so that i can vomit beans then go to a doctor and washed it down with mustard I'm going to throw up just even fucking recounting what he did he was also like he went to bed at like 4am

like he probably was hungover enough to just throw up I think he was because he did say he did actually threw up for real it sounded like he threw up for real either way one was just induced he threw up a bunch of It sounded like he threw up for real either way. One was just induced. Yeah, he threw up a bunch of times on his way to the doctor.

You can just say to the doctor that I threw up and I'm sick. Yeah, the doctor's never asking for physical evidence. Well, where's the puke? Yeah. I remember, like, did you ever fake sick when you were younger to get out of going to school? Yeah, or I'd be like, I wasn't feeling well. I would. Well, I did it so often

that my parents stopped believing me so then i started having to fake throw up whoa they would believe me because they would but my parents would need to see the evidence they didn't need it's not like i needed to like go grab and be like here's the bowl with throw up but i would like run to the bathroom in the morning throw up and then how would you throw up i would just like mostly bean mustard so i'll have the beans in the mustard water mixing cereal with coca-cola and like putting it in my mouth and then spitting it into the toilet bowl and then be like mom i threw up how old were you uh i guess how old are you when you're in like fourth or fifth grade like Like nine. Yeah. Nine is an age nobody really remembers.

Yeah. I was nine. What's one thing that happened when you were nine? Not quite 10 and not quite eight. Just smack dab in the middle. What happened when I was nine? Can you tell me what grade I was in? Because then I can tell you something.

I just answered that question. That's how we got to nine. Fourth or fifth. Yeah. It's just different things are nine. Fourth or fifth. Yeah. It's just different things are happening. Your birthday is in the summer. Mine is like smack dab in the middle of the school year. So I was nine in 1994?

Yes. 1994. I graduated sixth grade in 96. Okay. So... Minus two years. All right. An entire year of your life was nine, and we're just sitting here scratching our heads.

Yeah. I remember a lot of my ninth year, because that was a really great year for me. Why was nine so good? I had a teacher that I really liked. Named? Mrs. Hayden. Okay. And I had my first girlfriend.

At age nine? Fourth grade, got my first girlfriend. Wow. Baller. Yeah. Kissed her on the cheek. On the cheek? Yep.

The ass cheek. She tossed my salad. Oh, my God. Is that when she eats your asshole? Yep. And she was a younger chick, right? She was two. Come on.

Don't you divide your age in minus two and a half uh no yeah fourth grade was a great year i actually probably didn't fake sick very much in fourth grade i think it was maybe more uh i think it was like second and third grade even well what i'm saying is that like most people at age nine like you think you're fooling your parents but there's no like if if i'm talking to a nine year old, I know when they're lying. Like I imagine my niece lying to me. I'm like,

yeah, you're sick. Right. All right. Let's go to the doctor. I know. Like, yeah,

I thought I knew how to put on the act. Like, all right, just do, mom, I'm really sick. And like, when I was really sick,

you just don't say anything. You throw up all the time. That's which happens so rarely. Yeah. I mean, well, I definitely don't say anything. You throw up all the time. Which happens so rarely. I mean, I definitely thought that you could get away with being sick way more often. Right. Like, oh, because at age nine, you don't know anything. Are people sick once every two weeks? Is that average?

What is average? I don't know what that word even means at my age. So when I was in second grade, I really hated school. Second grade? Yeah., I really hated school. Second grade? Yeah. So I really hated school, and I would always ask to go to the nurse. What is school in second grade? I don't like it.

It's recess and music. Yeah, I guess I just missed my mom. Playing the tambourine and kickball. How bad is it? Learning how to play the recorder. I'm like, I need to go home. My mother's there i want to be near her this isn't good don't fucking tell me about an explorer we all not

with our moms today this is okay sherry say something you were sad about my mom just fucking dropped me off and i'm supposed to hang out with these jokesters until what three so if i shit my pants who's gonna wipe my ass andy no he's also seven but i used to always ask to go to the nurse and i would always try to go home and the nurse would always just be like lie down for 20 minutes and then she'd be like do you feel better like you have to go back to class just like you're not gonna go home let me know if you're like really sick and i was like fuck you know i just go back and then there was one day where i lost my starter jacket and i was very very upset about it this is not okay and i went to the nurse and like i didn't even know what to do i just i just wanted to go home and i was like

i have a headache but then i broke down and i started crying and as soon as seven as soon as i started crying and saying i wanted like that i felt sick a phone call instant so I like I learned you can teach a kid I learned this like this secret key to getting home and then from that moment on I would lose my jacket I I why just I so once I cried and they asked me what like because they took my temperature like what was it and they they figured out like my parents and the nurse were like we think he gets migraines so as soon as they said that i get migraines i could fucking just get a migraine whenever i wanted by saying you have one yeah all i had to do was say i had a migraine and i never went to school when i had

because migraines are this magical thing that like does there's no proof there's no like yeah no evidence beyond saying your head hurts like yeah that's it i would fuck with my kid if they did that i would say like oh you have a migraine you know it would help is if we go to the doctor and he gives you the surgery where he sticks a knife in your brain right well my mom used to say like oh you haven't we were gonna we were all gonna go out to dinner tonight or like we're all gonna go to the park this week like shit that i wanted to do i think i might feel better by then well if i just rest for a little bit you playing game boy in bed soon you became the game boy seven year old we should when your mom was on the show we should ask her like how

how much of the stuff that she believed like the migraines the throwing up where it was just soda and cornflakes she believed a lot more of it than my dad did yeah i bet like i mean that's another layer too like that just must be hard for parents if like what if the kid is like i'm really sick and one parent is just like you're a fucking liar liar. And the other one's like, no, I really think he's ill. Well, that's also wrong. The risk of being wrong the other way is also kind of like, you don't want to be the parent that's like,

ah, shut up and go to school. It's like, well, Jake was vomiting everywhere. And he said that he was complaining about it at home. Right, that's like traumatizing. Jake threw up in the middle of gym. Everybody saw him. They call him puke boy now no son of mine is a puke boy

he said you didn't believe him didn't you see the vomit yeah but he'll sometimes just fucking lie about shit it's like the boy who cried wolf with him already what was this guy's question oh yeah hit on the girl that hits on you back

yeah ask her out or whatever I wouldn't do it if he just What was this guy's question? Oh, yeah. Hit on the girl that hits on you back. Yeah, ask her out or whatever. Dumbass. I wouldn't do it if he has no interest in her. Oh, because why does he think that she has no interest? No, he doesn't like her, but she likes him, and he doesn't know if he should hook up with her. So don't. Or go on a date but then like chug mustard

beans beforehand and then it's like when you get there you can fake sickness i guess yeah just like just don't but you probably will that's what'll happen because maybe he's playing cool he's like i don't really like her maybe i'll fucking go how long does that really last like oh this girl wants to hook up with you like oh no i'm too cool for that all right and then like next weekend you're everybody and then you have one drink and there's nobody there and you're like maybe i'll call her stuff then you're marrying her as long as you're always drunk while you're doing it hammered at your own wedding you're renewing your vows um let's ask and always puking beans let's answer one more question real quick. Give me one more name or word to search.

Okay. I'll come up with it. Okay. Thunder. Very cool. All right. There's a couple. Okay. All right. One, two. okay all right one two

there's not a lot okay how about i give you all the subjects and then you choose based on that which one has the shortest subject um oh there's one with a star that's perfect yeah do you want to read the one with the star yeah okay that means it was certified pre-approved back in 2013 oh shit i hope this guy's still alive dear jake and amir it all started summer 2012 when the boy i was crushing on we needed this person to have a name um Is it a lady or a boy? Lady. Beyonce. Beyonce. Was crushing on all session, kissed me goodbye,

so we came back to camp this past summer. We both knew it was going down. Oh, hell yeah. We hooked up the whole summer in that fun, secret, inconspicuous locations camp style. He was so nice and funny during camp, and in the camp play, he was Danny Zuko,

so we always joked around that I was Sandy. Needless to say, summer loving had me a blast. We were really sad to say goodbye, but he made sure to bring up next summer and how awesome it'd be if we both came back. So I'd say we were both pretty into each other. When I got home, I struck up a few conversations via text and was kind of disappointed with the result. Now, I am very aware what this sort of relationship is and was not trying to make more of it what it is by texting him happy birthday and expecting a conversation afterwards. The kid just wouldn't text me back on multiple occasions, so I felt mad dumb always starting them, knowing that he'll cut it by not responding. He is my only camp friend that I don't hit up because of this, but I really miss that boy. so I felt mad dumb always starting them, knowing that he'll cut it by not responding. He is my only camp friend that I don't hit up because of this, but I really miss that boy.

Was he just nice to me because there was the opportunity of hooking up? Is he a free thunderbird and is by no means in a long-distance relationship with me? Sorry, he is a free thunderbird and is by no means in a long-distance relationship with me. So am I overreacting? Anyway, my best friends from camp are all meeting up for New Year's Eve and I'm worried that he's lost interest in me completely or is he just using me in the moments he can? I could really use a guy's perspective on this. Love you guys. Beyonce. Summer loving indeed indeed summer flings don't do nothing this is exactly what happened in greece and then it's like yeah he's like oh wait yo whatever yeah she's like daddy sandy oh she's wearing leather now

what a bad message that movie sends that Starts fucking her right then and there. It's never going to work. And then Sandy wears... And then it's kind of cute because he shows up wearing a cardigan and she shows up wearing leather. And he's like, oh, all right, we changed for each other. But now I go back because you changed for me ultimately. Yeah, you stay the same and I'll change back. Sandy.

Sandy, you're wearing a leather chest. I said, I wonder why. It seems like if he's not texting back, then he's not as interested. Yeah, it's kind of lame, though, because he's like, well, you should... I don't even know he should just text her back like she's she's right she's not trying to like wife him up or anything or like being a long distance relationship it's just normal to sort of like chat a little bit yeah wow he should have been more polite about it right but don't really. It seems like she's more into it than he is.

Yeah, you can't read into it very much if it's like a summer fling. Summer fling. Ripped at the seams. But. Oh no.

Oh, Sandy. Oh, I'm coming. I got chills, Sandy. They're Sandy. Oh, I'm coming. I got chills, Sandy. They're multiplying. You got a shampoo? What was Grease 2 about? I don't know. It was just Frenchie at beauty school for four and a half hours taking an exam. It was Ricky raising his baby.

Yeah. People like Grease 2. Did they? It's like Amanda's favorite movie. I don't think I ever saw it. Yeah. People like Grease 2. Did they? It's like Amanda's favorite movie. I don't think I ever saw it. Yeah. Is John Travolta in it? No, I don't think anyone's in it.

Nice. Then again, I don't know anything. Neither do I. Except for this guy is not into this gal. Yeah. And she should ignore him and then also ignore him at camp. because you don't hook up and then ghost and then get to hook up again oh wow you hook up with somebody else at the camp yeah she should show up to camp dressed like in a leather pants and a tight top arm and arm with kaniki holy shit tell

me about it stud what a fucking great move yeah so you you hook up or you bring your school boy uh-huh you get a high i'm the school boy right he's the game boy's cousin yeah school boy i am the game boy and i am school boy and get this here's what you say when he says what's up babe you say sorry what ghosts don't come back to life oh that's really good yeah and then he's like i actually wrote you every day yeah i've been writing you i have t-mobile and the service sucks ass really look at all these undelivered i messages all right time stand, get the fuck out of here. I love the ghosts. This other dude's hot. I'm down to fuck Casper any day of the week.

So, have some pride. Don't come crawling back to this boy. Yeah. And if it's anything like the summer camp that all my friends went to, you're going to be hooking up with literally everybody there. It's a bacchanalian jew orgy where you don't even know where one penis ends

and the other begins touching each other's genitals just mashing wet jennies all day yeah wet jennies this is that is the jews revenge to hitler because they were like you're like yeah you're gonna put us in camps hitler and then they go to these You're like, yeah, you're going to put us in camps, Hitler? And then they go to these, we're like, we're going to make our own camps where everyone fucks all the time. Yeah, how's that? I'm going to get fingered for the first, third, and fifth time. Every odd time I get fingered, it'll be at Jew camp, ass. There's nothing you can do about it because you blew your brains in a bunker.

Hey, come on. Don't be so hard on the guy. You're right. You're right. It, come on. Don't be so hard on the guy. You're right. You're right. It's not nice to speak ill of the dead. All right. That was a solid Super Bowl recap.

In conclusion, the Denver defense did enough to win the game. And it just wasn't Cam's year. I really thought Cam was unstoppable. But that is, it was just not – it was not the case. Did you see his press conference where he wiped his tears by dabbing? Oh, a very sad dab. Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I mean, the story – it is a nice story because this is Peyton's last one, and it was Cam's – Cam's going to have another chance. Yeah, he's a young'un. There was largest age discrepancy between two starting quarterbacks. Very cool. Also largest... He probably had through for more yards. Oh, definitely. Yeah.

Yeah, almost double. Wow. Largest race discrepancy, too. Yeah, because Cam is very black and Peyton's very white. Exactly. Yeah. It doesn't get more white than Peyton Manning. He is a Papa John's pizza.

Yeah. He is a white pie. Yes. That's right. That's correct. He's a state farm ad. Yeah. He's, I guess, a walking Budweiser ad now. Yeah. He is a white pie. Yes. That's right. That's correct. He's a state farm ad. Yeah. He's, I guess, a walking Budweiser ad now.

Yeah, wow. Twice mentioned. He's like, I'm going to sit down, drink Budweiser beer, Budweiser beer, and I don't know. He said it twice. There was two of them. Did you see that? He had two post-game interviews that they asked him what he did. He said the exact same thing.

He's like, I'm going to kiss my wife, drink a bunch of beer. It's amazing. Drive home completely hammered. He's like just nailed their message. Like, I'm going to kiss my wife, hug my kids, drink Budweiser, and thank God. Ride a fucking Clydesdale all the way back to Omaha. Shit, sorry. My headphones came undone.

It's technical difficulties more than anything else. We're still recording. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own anything, send it over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Cannot stress the fact that we're going to Austin enough. Yeah, if you haven't already bought a ticket during this episode, we're going to have a fucking straight-up telethon for these shows. It's going to make Jew Camp look like a Mormon festival.

I promise you, I will finger you or jerk you off if you come to this show. I wouldn't. As long as they're of legal age. What? Still feels like a stretch. Yeah, I'll finger or jerk off anybody that comes to the shows.

Alright. I just wish we didn't print that on the tickets. That opening theme song was written by, what was that guy's name again? Clear Pioneer. Can you break out your computer? I sent it to you, but now I forget. Good Pioneer?

Clear Pioneer? I think it's Clear Pioneer. Let's find out. It is clear pioneer. And the closing one was written by. Oh, wow. This is why Clear Pioneer. And the closing one was written by... Oh, wow. This is why you do it. Closer, Streetlamp, Daniel Price.

Oh, wait, you just wrote Closer in the email. Yeah. Streetlamp by Daniel Price. Streetlamp. I don't know why it says Streetlamp, man. It just says Daniel Price, actually. Maybe that's his band name. Street Lamp.

Daniel Price. Things are falling apart. Google him. We gotta end the show. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. If I were you, show me the picture, Sylvia. Hope they didn't tell you anything too Sylvia.

I wouldn't feel any worry though Just hope God is doing a show Hey, give it a go After the outro Outro, outro, outro