Segments - 201: Search Terms (w/Shane Dawson!)

Episode Date: February 22, 2016

Actor/comdian/YouTuber Shane Dawson joins us to discuss porn preferences and pessimism. This episode is brought to you by TIDAL and Soylent! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Listening and emailing you in. I do it all the time. I think you're a pair of dimes. But my paradigm keeps shifting cause all the time I'm drifting like when Amir says he hates the SPCA. What kind of a monster are you? Or when Jake pulls out a little too late. Not cool, bud But otherwise you're hella dope That's why I download

If I were you, the show Yeah, how about that? Very soothing A little accusatory It was a little like Metallica, right? What? Can you explain that to me? How it's like Metallica?

I loved it. Shane woke up in a chair and we started recording. And he's just confused as to where he is, what's going on, what that song was. But we aren't going to let him out of this room for an hour. Did you want us to explain what that song was or why I thought it sounded like Metallica? Um, explain. So, okay, wait. Do you have a different song, a fan song every time?

Yeah. So, every episode we start with a original theme song written by one of our fans. That one was written by somebody called Grandmaster Kate. I loved it. Yeah. Cool. It was an interesting blend of, like, she probably is good, but she was, like, too scared to be good.

So, she was, like, pretending to be bad sometimes. Oh. like too scared to be good. So she was like pretending to be bad sometimes. Oh, so she was selling herself short. Like at the end where she sort of started talking and stuff. Right. She's like, hey, hey, hey, Kate, next time, bring it. I think you got it. Wow. That's cool.

Because you're, you are a musician yourself. Yes. I'm an artist, really. Yeah. You're a painter more than anything. A sculptor. You're Simon Cowell. Yes. I work with clay. It more than anything. A sculptor. You're Simon Cowell. Yes.

I work with clay. It's my... Clay Aiken. You are like Simon Cowell. Oh, my God. What? I went on a whole clay... I fell down a clay hole two nights ago.

Did you ever see... Slipped into a clay hole. A clay... Did you ever see Bridge Over Trouble Water when he did American Idol? The song? Oh, my God. Yeah. I started crying. Wait, wait, wait. Powerful. Oh oh when he sang the simon garfunkel song it literally made me cry granted i was in a

weird place at 3 a.m you were already right oh you were already crying yes i thought when you originally saw it oh that too yeah clay lost to ruben fuck yeah ruben stuttered i saw ruben at the cheesecake factory two months ago not performing just there right uh performing as in bringing me my cheesecake he was performing the specials and i was like that sounds good but the crazy part was i looked at you know you see somebody and you're like i'm gonna look it up on instagram to see if they're really here see if that's them oh 2016 guys so i look it up on Instagram to see if they're really here, see if that's them. Oh. 2016, guys. So I look it up, and Ruben is not talking about Cheesecake Factory, but he's tweeting healthy recipes, because I guess he's pretending to be healthy now, as I'm watching him take down factory nachos platters.

I was so mad. I tried to start a rumor that Ruben Studdard was ripped. Like he lost like 200 pounds, and he was in incredible shape. But I have no idea what he's looking like i made a rumor that um matthew perry died and i me and my friend have a joke where he's like the go-to for it's like oh god so sad about matthew perry and everybody believes it right because he he battled had a problem yeah he had a problem really i didn't know that i just thought he looked like awful last time i saw him oh now i feel bad he's often looking pretty haggard he actually did

die recently i know yeah really sad good you're quick with it uh shane dawson hi just for if you didn't know now you know um how why who are you why and why are you i i asked myself that a lot when are you when well i'd say I'm 2010. Oh, really? I'd say that's the peak. Is that Clay Aiken? No. I'm 2008.

That's 2010. Yeah. Clay Aiken was 2006. No. Yeah. Is 2010 when you started making YouTube videos or that was the height of your YouTube popularity? I don't know. That was the height of my awfulness.

I think I started, I don't know, I started like in 2006 i think um you were early early early i was very which by the way i saw this i don't mean this to be shady but whatever i was watching i love falling down holes obviously right i fell down a ray william johnson hole last night oh right who's also a huge youtube star right um so i fell down a ray hole which you should never fall down a ray hole and a clay hole wow all the a's and uh he was watching his tmz interviews like i just fell down those are good by the way i don't even know who ray william johnson is are you serious he was he was like the number one guy right equals three he i think we met him at a party once where he had like brown spiky hair and he was like talking to a camera kind of YouTube guy

and like whenever CollegeHumor was like talking about their YouTube traffic it was always like Ray William Johnson number one he's not Annoying Orange right? no he's not you don't really that's actually a racist term for him yes he had like

10 million views per video every time twice a week is he still doing that um i think i don't know he did he did the thing that youtubers do where they're like i'm gonna make this a business so he like cast a bunch of other people to do everything people are like no we only like you you right yeah but i was watching an interview with him and he was just like yeah you know it's like when i started youtube like nobody was really even doing youtube i'm like you started in 2010 like i was doing this shit for so long so you started great you started at the at the almost the get-go like youtube was 2006 was like i mean very early pre jake and me doing videos yeah sure

it was that was like two we started in 2007 yeah 2007 2006 was really just me um smosh and like people giving birth yeah i watched i spelled that i i fell down a birth hole yeah water birth did you check oh yeah water birth big time oh yeah well it's just videos of people giving birth in water it's and since it's educational they don't yeah nothing's blurred it's educational, they don't. Nothing's blurred. It's fucking intense. I'll whip up right now. I fell down another hole last month of unblurred videos where, unflagged, there's a woman teaching you how to shave your vagina. And she's fully naked.

And it's like sexy music. And she's shaving her vagina. Close up. So is that like a loophole on YouTube? I'm going to look that up. Yeah. I'm going to take my phone off I'm going to take my phone off. Permission to take my phone off airplane mode right now?

I guess not granted. Just on bangbros.com. I figured we would go here anyway, so why not just fucking go straight to the finish line? I'm going to go sit here and watch. Oh, I'm real deep down the hole. I am at the bottom of said hole. I am in the hole. I am in the pink completely.

It is dark. do you remember bang oh my god you my favorite bang bro moment is bang bros also old internet or they're still they still update they're still around my favorite was he was he was you know fucking her um and very hard and she was crying and then he gave him she gave her his phone and he goes call your dad oh no and he goes call your dad oh no or i'm gonna finish and not you know leave you oh no so she had to call her dad and she's like i'm having sex it was the weirdest what the world it wasn't real though but still why fake it why fake them but also who was she calling like did they hire somebody right they had to oh they had the dad's vo also yeah he was like did it cut to the dad on the phone what the fuck

just a dad in the office oh jesus christ i should have known something was up when a camera crew walked into this accounting office you gotta bang bus is like it's they're they're an outlier in the bang bros uh company like they get to outlier in the Bang Bros company. Like, they get to just do whatever the fuck they want. It's pretty depraved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and that's not my kind of porn. No.

What's your kind of porn? Wow. I like very intimate, girlfriend experience, POV type of porn. Okay, what are your, like, by the way, can I just say, this is a really fun conversation. People are going to hate this because they're like, Shane's gross. He's he's disgusting i'm not gross or disgusting but this is interesting to me okay yeah me too i'm happy we can talk about this all day i'm an open book what are your i have my three search terms what are yours um it's always pov yes uh usually pov girlfriend okay sometimes pov step sister because there's a lot of like really nice, like, I don't like the dialogue of that type of stuff. But I like the, I guess the thing I'm trying to find important now is like girls that didn't necessarily get paid to have sex.

Like I like couples making sex videos. Isn't that amateur? Yeah, it's amateur. But then there's also a lot of like seedy amateur where it's like a guy pays, still paying like people to fucking, and I'm sure that everyone's getting paid, but I'm trying to find like real amateur

rather than the fake stuff that they, it's like how they say that it's salmon, but it's pink tuna. Yeah, I think I just like, I've seen too many like old, old wrinkly bald guys licking a 22 year old asshole right and i'm just like i don't and this is not even porn i'm just talking about where i grew up so i'm just trying to avoid that so this is beyond

answering your question but my three most searched terms are probably like pov uh girlfriend pov step pov uh ebony maybe because i like black uh girls okay so instead of searching black you search ebony uh yeah because that's usually what they are important because the black i don't know what yeah black is usually interracial the other way or black on black and i like the pov to have a white dick because i really just can't put myself in the position of having a big black dick as much as i wish i could yeah is the pov are you supposed to like rest your laptop at a certain angle so that it looks like you're looking through the monitor but it's actually like uh somebody else's penis is it like that close to virtual reality lined up?

I guess, I mean, it's sort of like, it's almost like a first person shooter game, except the gun, instead of a gun, it's a dick. It's like you're looking... You are odd job. You're very short. And then at the end, your screen turns white and it fades out to black. What are your search terms well on a normal basis it's similar it's like pov real homemade oh homemade's a big one too but when i'm really sad which happens a lot it's clay aiken uh bridge over troubled water ray william johnson uh no when i'm really sad and then after i search it i feel feel really bad. And I close my computer. I'll search like real love or like making love or like sweet. Like I like couples who are like really into it.

And it's not like, yeah, fuck you, fuck you. I like like the sweet. You and I could basically watch porn together. Let's do it. My like fetish is people saying I love you. Yeah. Like that. Yeah.

It's pretty sad but why is that because it like scares you in real life that i i don't know i think it's i i don't think it's that i think it's because i have a lot of empathy and when i see people getting fucked and like saying you're a dirty whore right say you're a whore which is a lot of like old bang bros porn it's like are you who's my little whore it's the opposite that doesn't turn me on at all it's like yeah it's name calling so i like yeah i like nice kind porn this is uh kind of like my porn idea which is fuck me finally yeah it's a pov fetish site for people that have been like kind of waiting to have sex for a long time yeah it's like it's called it's basically the 11th date and then it's like finally i'm ready to trust. And then it's like, finally, I'm ready to trust you. And then it's like, okay.

So the first half of the porn is people just eating a nice Thai dinner, like at a nice Thai restaurant. I'd like to know your porn search terms. This is also a really fun idea for a podcast. Oh, yeah. Porn search terms. Permission to start another podcast. All right, let's start it right now. Hey, welcome to porn search terms.

Me and Shane can host it. Not a terrible idea. Yeah. podcast all right let's start it right now hey welcome to porn search terms me and shane can host it not a terrible idea yeah uh mine are kind of boring i like threesome stuff because that's one of the fantasies of mine like two girls one guy okay because i've never experienced that right so that's sort of cliche okay uh sometimes i like party stuff where there's lots of action going on because i also never was never at a cool party like that. That's very interesting to me. Party. Yeah.

Do you mean like the public sex parties or do you mean like just like the college parties? Yeah, like carrying away into a different room. There's a party going on. Oh, I see. Party in the background. Sometimes they go outside and people are fucking for some reason. Are those ever anything that's ever been a real party like yes i think they do one real fuck parties that that aren't for porn i heard about

one recently which was terrifying because it was i was talking to a very young youtuber and they were telling me about a youtube party with very young youtubers oh dear that's what they do what they all separate off into rooms and fuck each other and film it and it was it scared the shit out of me where did they post it somewhere or did they just like do oh what they all separate off into rooms and fuck each other and film it and it was it scared the shit out of me where did they post it somewhere or did they just like film everything they showed i saw a couple videos i was like i gotta see this shit and they showed me and i literally started freaking the fuck out jesus what that's fucking crazy we got into the game too late or too early dude how old were you when you started making YouTube videos?

Too old. Probably like 18, 19. Yeah. Fuck that. I know. That was only two search terms. Yeah. FFM party.

Oh, I don't know. Lesbians, sometimes it's just two girls, no guy. Oh, because that's almost like POV because you're just imagining you're the... Yeah, isn't every porn POV porn? The POV of somebody watching two girls fuck. Yeah, but like I can't... I really just don't like... I need to...

It has to be an immersive experience. I need to be there. You need an Oculus Rift. I'm so afraid to try that because then I won't be able to go back. And I don't need any more gear to jerk off. Have you done VR porn? My favorite... I tried it tried it was weird

but my favorite is type if you type in um rent do my favorite there's one and this is like a sad one it's a hack or something like i feel like you're a secret level that we don't know about that's but because it's like a thing okay so my favorite is this old woman she well maybe she's like 50 but she looks good she owns this apartment complex and this is i guarantee you it's real because it's like from the guy's laptop perspective and like she comes in and she's like i'll hand the rent or whatever and then he's like ah and he sits on the bed and then she sits on the bed and then he starts touching her and then they start fucking and she's so excited because like she never fucks and like her husband's dead and like it's so amazing to see her like come and she's so happy and then she just lets him go no rent and leaves oh i've watched that one so it's only one porn it's not a series um no he does it

like every month you can only do that you can only watch it on the first of the month right i'm gonna watch rent two later also have you seen property sex that's a nice one that i've been into recently what is that like house hunters um yeah it. It's like three couples and then you choose the one you like? No, no. It's not quite. It's like a guy who... Guy's one dick. A guy goes and he sees a house.

It's like the realtor is like, oh yeah, it's really nice property. He's like, oh yeah, I'm thinking about making an offer. And it's like, what can I do to make you convinced? Real estate porn? Yeah.

And then they end up having sex at the house. But it's kind of... I just like that it's a little low budget. So it's not... I don't like that. I like the porn rough around the edges, I think. Just like me.

So this is an advice podcast. We really have to do a porn podcast. What do you mean? You have to do a porn podcast. Yeah. This is... I feel like people would be interested in this. I feel like it's something everybody watches it and then nobody talks about it.

I'm not questioning the interest level. I don't know what our advertiser is today, but I bet we have more people watching Rent Do right now than buying me undies. This podcast is actually called If I Were You. It's an advice podcast. It's usually just Jake and I dispensing advice. Sometimes we have friends. Today we have Shane Dawson. How would you describe yourself?

Comedian, YouTuber, podcaster, artist, lover? All of the above? You know, just... How about big fucking deal? No. How about Shane Dawson, big fucking deal? It's kind of interesting because you could read that two ways one is a real positive and it's and the other is real negative yeah that's funny because

i was fucking deal i remember someone saying like uh a funny bio for me would be like kind of a big deal because it's like self-deprecating but then it's also like yeah i'm kind of a big deal right yeah and it's also a ron burgundy quote is it yeah i thought that was just, yeah, I'm kind of a big deal. Right, yeah. And it's also a Ron Burgundy quote. Is it? Yeah. I thought that was just in general, like, I'm kind of a big deal. No, I think, well, I think he's, I feel like he made it popular. Like, if you had it in your bio, I would think it was an anchorman quote.

Well, I'd be too afraid that people would misinterpret it as like this. I hate when people say, I do fine. Because to me, that's like, you're rich. I fucking get it. When people say that, oh, I do fine. Is that a bio thing? I don't know are you just saying general yeah like don't worry about what i do oh i do fine yeah oh i hate that that being said you do do fine yeah you're no you say i'm rich is is what's your what's your the the pie chart of your time spent creatively?

Is it still mostly YouTube? Is it podcast? Is it? Yeah. I mean, I guess YouTube, YouTube is a thing. You know how it is.

Like you have to feed the beast and you got to keep doing the YouTube thing because you want to direct or you want to write for me, directing and writing is like, that's my, you know, Amir and I are like on the outskirts of the YouTube community. Cause our videos just went on YouTube and it was basically beyond our control. We were also part of college. We never had our own

channel. We love YouTube, but I don't think we're in the camp of YouTubers. I don't know. It feels like a social circle that we're not welcome in. You're like with Lonely Girl. You're on the outskirts.

We were paid by somebody else to make YouTube we were also making sketches whereas like you were doing hi i'm shane dawson and i'm talking to the camera yeah and like it was never like hi i'm amir and i'm jake and we're talking to the camera right like ours was fiction and yours was non-fiction kind of yeah which you know i don't know and now but you were part of that first you were part of that first wave right yeah you said when you were starting it was just like you and a handful of others yeah it was not that many people not that many people were talking to camera um because they were smosh and stuff but they weren't really talking to camera they were just doing sketches and stuff so yeah it was when you think about writing and directing are there like bigger scope

projects that you want to do like that are totally fiction like you scope projects that you want to do like that are totally fiction like you have things that you want to write are they is it comedy is it yeah i two years ago i directed uh and wrote a movie and it was so much fun i mean the process was fun when it came out and i got attacked by press that was bad like literally la times said it said shane dawson's movie and it said only a movie for rapists, racists, and sociopaths. And I was like, great. Oh, dear. Loved that.

Did your fans like it? Yeah, it did well. And people really liked it. It was on VOD, on demand, iTunes? It came out in a few theaters. And it did really good. And I was excited. And then we did a lot of test screenings.

And everything was great. All the producers loved it. And we were like, this is good, right? Like, I feel like I have a good feeling about this. And then like four reviews came out that were like, literally the worst reviews I've ever seen in my life. It was literally like Shane Dawson is a waste of time. Oh my dear.

And I was like, I mean, I guess I get it. I guess that's how it works with every, like most things, like you put your heart and soul and then you're surrounded by people that made it with you. And it always seems like a positive thing. And it's such a weird thing to show it to somebody who wasn't involved in the process. Right. The floor really comes out from under you. Right.

It's like somebody, oh, wait. How do you not like it? Everyone, we had so much fun making it though. How did you not like it? Didn't you see like how much fun we had at the craft service table? We were like swapping stories. Didn't you know I bonded with the first AD yeah how do you not know that wardrobe girl we still talk so yeah isn't that good enough guy at the la times um do you we usually answer questions uh

people who are seeking our advice um our guidance uh do you mind if we start answering some questions all right um these are real emails uh who are coming from real people we're going to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity um do you have a fake name for a dude wait you go ahead oh i was like wait talking to me or i thought you were asking if i go to a club like yes yes yeah yeah oh do you have a fake name no cool yeah well shane dawson's that's not my real name so yeah it's not your real name no what are you talking about real name shane y'all what shane leah wait what are you talking about yeah my real name is shane leah and when i got an agent when i was 18 who by the way was also a baby agent i was her only person over here didn't go well uh no all right you parted ways how do you spell your last name the real one y-a-w

what kind of name is that backwards yeah it's like dutch but she said you're not getting auditions because they think you're asian and they're not looking for an age so i changed it to the whitest name i could find and holy shit and it stuck dawson's creek damn dude titanic jack dawson's son that is a good it is a cool last name i'm actually i actually might change my last name to y'all amir y'all yeah amir y'all oh like i'm here y'all yeah sure why not uh so do you have a fake name for this person it's a guy? It's a dude. I'm going to go with Swanson just because I'm looking at it on the wall.

That's good. Just Swanson. Swanson, yeah. Nice, I like it. Swanson writes, I'm 18 and for the last three years, I haven't had any girlfriend. I didn't even come close to kissing any. But here's the thing. I downloaded Tinder a few weeks ago, and I started to get really into it. I got a lot of matches, but most of the times when people said, hey, or something else,

I wouldn't get a response. There was this one girl who responded, and she was a dime. Exactly the type of girl I like. She gave her number before I even dared to ask. And she asked if I would want to come over the next day. We were going to go on a date tomorrow, and I had to travel for two hours for it, and I wanted to be sure that it wasn't a sick joke or something. I don't know.

I guess I find it hard to trust people that I've only seen three pictures of. So I asked if she could send along some proof of her, like a video of her or something. Then she got mad and said, well, look me up on Facebook. She gave me her surname uh to me and i looked it up and yes it was her i still want to have a date with her but she's not responding to my texts anymore what can i do was i wrong to ask for more proof excuses for the long email thanks swanson well she was fake because if she said look me up on facebook and you did and she's like oh well

all right he found out and then she moved on oh so you take this guy's side you're like yeah he should have you do you ask have you been have you ever uh social media social um i've had some awful awful online dating experiences this week really yeah um but i think i think the go-to is for me it's like oh let's if you're talking to somebody on one of these apps and it's going really well and then it's like oh we should like hang out and it's like yeah actually like let's facetime and figure it out so you can facetime with them and talk about where you want to meet yeah it's definitely a bad move to say i demand you show me proof of yourself yeah because i think you're right to say there's a little bit of tact involved.

If you really want to do some investigative work, you could... I mean, even a phone call. All he wants to do is hear a voice, right? I mean, why ask for proof? You can't ask for proof every time. At a certain point, you just have to trust the app, right?

Well, it's also different when he's driving two hours away. Yeah. Like when you're on... If she was going to lie to him, she would lie to him about being closer. Interesting. Why lie and then also say drive two hours? I guess if you're fucking with someone, it's funny to say drive two hours and then I'm not there.

Actually, maybe I'll do that. It's actually really funny. People have asked you to verify your identity on tinder maybe because they knew who they thought that like you you must come up with this like if somebody if somebody knows you you're famous to them but i'm not famous to most people but that's the select few and then they're like i don't believe it's you and like well what what am i supposed to do i have to like verify my existence then you you sent somebody a picture right yeah i sent a photo over text yeah right right does that happen to you that's a way you can also though like this

kid can um swanson can do a cute thing where he's like send her a picture of like okay so you guys are making inside jokes because you're talking you're texting let's have your you have your thing now your culture so like maybe you guys made a joke about macaroni and cheese take a fucking picture of you stand in front of macaroni and cheese and be like, you want some? And then she needs to send back something else, like a cute selfie. And that's where you get it. What if she doesn't send back a cute selfie? Then she will eventually.

If you open the door to like pictures, then they eventually match. Yeah, they have to. When you're on these apps, do people like they look you up and see that you have whatever i am one of those people where like i you know i'm very like no ego i i i assume nobody knows who the fuck i am if they're over the age of 13 so is that your target demo 13 to 18 year olds crazy it honestly isn't anymore because like they grew up so yeah they've grown up with you they're like my age which is but in my head i'm like nobody knows who the fuck i am so i'm on these apps and i even picked i even didn't even realize that i used my profile picture on tinder like as my profile picture on twitter like it's the same

but it's just because that's what a robot would do that's what a fake person would do but like these people are so fucking good at lying and being like so what do you do for a living and acting so oblivious and then like oh and then you come out with and you meet them and they're like oh i oh that didn't happen thank god but like it gets so close to that where i'll be like hey i just need to tell you like i do this like weird job and it's weird and i just want you to know and like if you're not cool with it that's fine and then they'll be like i didn't want to say anything but i've been watching you since i was 12. I was going to meet you. Would you be okay meeting, hooking up with a fan?

No. So if there was an attractive person and they were like, you know, just so you know, I've watched your videos before. You'd be like, oh, never mind. I don't hook up in general because I have a lot of issues as far as like i don't know like i to fuck somebody and be naked with somebody i need to really care about them right you guys like i won't get hard if i because you're not doing one night stands never no so like for me if it gets to that point i already know everything about them in their life okay so not even hooking up would you go out on a date with somebody that found you i did on accident because it was somebody i met at like a youtubey thing and i thought she was like um an employee

or like she worked there she was a youtuber too so like i went out with her as like a friend or whatever and it turned into a date and then it turned out no she was a fan that was at this convention to meet me i thought thought she worked there and shit. Right. Wow. So, yeah, she tricked you. Her dream came true, though. She was out to do that.

Exactly what she wanted to happen. Yeah. And then I ended up going out with her again twice. Because I'm too nice. And I was just like, if I don't, she'll make a Tumblr about it. She's an awful person. Oh, my God. A fate worse than death.

A Tumblr about it. Oof. No, they don't like me. Stay away. So you're saying asking for proof is okay? It's fine? In a cute way. You got to do it.

In a cute, subtle way. You don't say, I want proof. Oh, are you snapping? I don't snap with the online people, but like- No, but in general. He should. Oh, I'm just asking separately. Oh.

Because we just got into Snapchat. Oh, we're into it. Are you? Oh. Oh. you oh have you gotten into and don't because it's awful it's called musically have you heard about this musically music music dot ly is this the lip dub thing thing yes it's like lip singing to songs but like first of all this one girl her name is baby ariel she's 16 she just got six million followers in like a week and she honestly is good though because like you can speed it up so like you're lip singing to like a slow oh yeah it's like yeah it looks amazing but i've gotten into like i went on snapchat and said hey guys send me a musically of you doing magic stick which is my favorite song of all time you know i got the magic stick well i didn't think it through because like the girl part of

that song is like i got that magic clit you lick once you lick twice and i just got like bombarded with all these music leads of like five-year-olds singing this song and it's so good so wrong oh no and now you're under arrest yeah you possess you possess child porn. Oh, great. A seven-year-old saying she has the magic clip. Oh, God, I don't even like thinking about it, man. Oh, my God. So the answer to this guy's question is, you can ask for proof if you want to do it in a subtle, cool way.

Just pretend this never happened, move on to the next, and then either trust the lady or open the dialogue on your end by sending a selfie. Yes. I agree. Yeah. Never say prove yourself to me. Right. You never want to say you're doing what you're doing.

You don't want to. Yeah. Don't let them know that you're a sleuth. Yeah. A detective. An online private eye. Does that sound about right to you?, don't let them know that you're a sleuth. Yeah. A detective, an online private eye. Does that sound about right to you? Yeah.

Are you okay with that? 100%. All right. We talked a lot about porn in the beginning. So we're roughly at the halfway point. Let's take a break right now. Jake and I are going to thank another sponsor. You don't have to do it. Don't worry.

Just relax. We'll sit here in silence. And we'll be back with more questions and answers with Shane Dawson. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

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What do you spend the majority of your time on now, today, this week? What's your busiest thing? Well, right now I'm finishing up um uh my second book whoa which i actually wrote the first like i'm actually writing it i'm not like doing the youtuber thing where i'm like having somebody else write it is that a thing oh my god what youtubers just release a book have somebody else write it and then last year was like the year of youtuber books which was embarrassing to kind of be a part of that. But a lot of them, like I talked to a couple and I'm like, so you have somebody write it?

Like, yeah, just have them like watch my draw my life video. And they like kind of get it. So they just like, wow, okay. I just show them my Facebook friend video and then they can sort of paint between the lines. Yeah. They can connect the dots from there. It makes sense though, because writing a book's really hard.

Right. You have to do so much fucking work. Yeah, it takes a long time. With YouTubers now, since YouTuber is tightening the money that's coming out, you need to find different things to create and sell other than your videos. Right. So last year was books, right? Yeah, it was interesting. Last year was books right which is it yeah it was interesting

last year was books um and i think i did okay for people i think the book industry is so fucked anyways so like they're just happy to the book industry is just happy to sell any books right um but it was probably the most fun and the most proud i've ever been of a thing i've done like i've made a tangible thing right a book feels like the opposite of the internet it's just like it's so permanent it's it's written in ink it's on a shelf it's a real physical thing yeah but you can burn a book you can't burn a blog true which actually brings me to my other book you can't burn a blog it's entirely online brings me to my tumblr it's an e-reader blog a book uh what was your first book and what's your second book is it like just about you yeah i do uh collections of like short stories and essays about like times in my life funny and dark and sad and weird um so the first

one's called i hate my selfie that's funny the new one is i love it love the title the new one is uh it gets worse it's really uplifting shit it's funny it's a play on words it's a joke and where can people buy it uh barnes and noble or i like the physical ones like go to a bookstore but what's barnes and noble is that like amazon the store yeah and it's in the amazon who would go there how do you get there books a million that's a place i learned uh are you do you still hang out with other youtubers like do you still have that fraternity camaraderie i've never done that i've i have like two friends who are youtubers me and jake but you guys hi um i have two friends and and then i have like a kind of collection of people i see but i don't i've never been i've never been invited to parties i

don't really do the youtube thing because i'm'm older. I'm 27. Like most of them are young. Yeah. We're like, we were the seniors of YouTube in like 2012. And now at 2016, we're like the old people that came back to the party. Like, yeah,

what are you doing here, man? Oh, Shane's here, dudes. Who are the, who are the, who's the Shane Dawson?

Do you remember hot for words? That's the thing. We don't know anything about YouTubers. Oh my God. We're like, we didn't even get, we didn't even get into the college we're the people who visited yeah we're like the commuter kids at the uh at the the regional school nearby yeah we're not at the school yeah we just take a magnet program at a high school nearby but who's like the uh equivalent of the shane dawson now

like are there people that you're now the the old guy and you're like who watches these kids i don't know it's so weird now there's so much there's so many people there's nobody right now that's like crushing it who's like oh that's the guy i mean pewdiepie i guess but like there's nobody that's like the guy or the girl um there's so many people everybody's there's also so many different avenues right like? Now you could be huge on Vine. Right. You could be huge on Snapchat. Musically.

You could be massive on Musical.ly. Baby Ariel, a million likes per musical. God. How do you keep up? We just got on Snapchat. Now I feel like we're eight apps behind. Yeah, we got like 10,000 people viewing our Snapchat. It's fucking embarrassing.

I don't even know why I still have a phone. Yeah. Meanwhile, baby Ariel is fucking kicking ass on an app I never heard of. Her lipstick line sold out in five minutes. Is that true? Yes. How do we reach these people? I can't follow the crowds fast enough.

I feel like I'm chasing a population that keeps outrunning me. Shane, help. No. Okay. Who are you? What's your name on Snapchat? Oh, God. Well, Shane Dawson was taken. I did LOL Shane Dawson.

Don't ask. It's not funny. My snaps are sad. My musically is Shane Dawson sucks. I'm bad at picking names. You're very self-deprecating it seems. I know. I'm trying to not do that anymore, but it's hard. I hate my selfie. It gets worse. Shane Dawson sucks. Do the books ultimately it seems i know i'm trying to not do that anymore but i just it's hard i hate my selfie it gets worse shane dawson sucks do the books ultimately uh preach self-love in the end or like an

overcoming right that or is it or is it like i mean in a way embracing it is almost empowering yeah well my thing with it gets worse is i'm like guys listen it gets worse like your problems now are stupid when you're older they're worse like you can go bankrupt there's so many more but you learn how to deal with them and not really fucking care anymore so like that gets better right you're like you get you get better at dealing with the worst problems yeah it's interesting makes sense to me i like that you're not really equipped to deal with problems when like i think i told the story on the last podcast about how i needed to fake uh being sick and go home because i lost my jacket when I was in second grade. So, I wasn't really good at dealing with problems. I'm actually pretty bad at dealing with problems now, too. I'm actually pretty sick today.

Oh, geez, you lost your jacket again. I know it. I know it. All right, let's try to see if we can help some other people. Because Jake and i don't have the time or actually intelligence to write a book so this is how we we help people um so let's see if we can get oh a lady name a lady name who you got oh um we make our guests do all the work you know hearst castle it's a beautiful we're being usual suspected you're just reading stuff you're not making anything up uh all right ready hearst castle writes hi my name is hearst castle and i'm mad libs are funny and i live in pork chop illinois no my name is hearst

castle and i'm a 19 year old currently in my second year of college. A few months ago, I ended my first real relationship, which lasted two years. The breakup was difficult, to say the least. Over the past month, I have been going on dates with this new guy who I've known for about a year. He is very attractive, funny, and amazing in bed. But the main issue is

he is 29 years old, still lives with his parents, never went to college, works a minimum wage job, and has literally no plans to move out or be independent. Now, don't get me wrong. None of these things on their own would bother me. I understand that college isn't for everyone, and there are lots of reasons why somebody would need to live at home for a long time, and age doesn't bother me on its own. It's just that all of these things together means that we are in very different paths in life. I really like him, but I'm afraid that these differences are irreconcilable.

Add in that my parents hate him. I'm very close to my family since I live with them while commuting to school, and although they let me do what I want, it bothers me to have a boyfriend that they actively hate and tell me that I think I deserve better. Should I break things off and meet someone new in college or am i just being a petty bitch with a superiority complex please help much love hearst castle geez i vote petty bitch yeah get over it so you don't like him your parents don't like him and your parents are petty bitches too y'all are petty bitches one thing in this

story that doesn't really connect one dot is it the name because that's the one that you made up yeah yeah but it's also how did she know him for a year who is this person who's this 28 year old hanging out 18 year olds a family friend who is this person how did she meet and why were they friends for a year and then started dating oh we have known each other for about a year. I'll say church group. Right. Yeah. Like he was the youth pastor. Yeah.

And she was the youth. I think it's probably a family. It sounds like they both live in this college town, right? Sure. Because she commutes to college from living with her parents. And he also lives with his parents. Yeah. It's like a little commune where everybody lives with their parents and goes to a local university.

I don't see those two lives crossing. Like, where do they cross? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Like, does he work at the bagel shop she goes to? Is he a Lyft driver? Like, I'm trying to figure out. I think it's both. Right.

I think he's a Lyft driver. He's the groundskeeper at college. That's a minimum wage job. Yeah. Kind of cool. That's actually a really great idea for a rom-com I just had. It's what? It's sort of like, he's the groundskeeper. Oh. Kind of cool. That's actually a really great idea for a rom-com I just had. Is what? It's sort of like,

he's the groundskeeper. Oh, that's good. He's like the young pre-med. Oh, it's called Keep It Grounded. Oh, that's cool. Or Grounds for Life. I like Keep It Grounded. Rise and Grounds.

Rise and Ground. No, I don't like that one either. You really nailed it with the first one. It was a home run. I don't know why you're still standing at the plate. Groundskeepers can't be choosers. Still swinging the bat. He knocked one out of the park.

Finders, groundskeepers. All right, fine. I love it. Shane, what do you think this fictional movie should be called? No, I'm just joking. I was going more into casting. I love it. Who's the guy?

The groundskeeper guy? Yeah. I don't know his name name but he plays a serial killer in a lot of movies recently but he's really good oh sad cillian murphy i know that isn't no but yeah yeah that works he's a little too old i think right uh what's the largest age difference in your relationship history hmm or what about what's the largest one you'd be willing to go years maybe you're the older no i was younger i yeah i was younger i'm always a little younger i think you would like to be the younger i am just more attracted to older people i think and like people who are not like in their

20s i don't know maybe that's it right because you have the soul how old are you do you mind saying yeah so you have the soul of a 30 something you? Do you mind saying? 27, yeah. So you have the soul of a 30-something. You don't want to hang out with other 27-year-olds. I have the body of an 80-something. I need somebody who's like already fucked everybody. And they're like, I'm ready for like a nice one. Oh, you really do have a low self-esteem. Yeah. It's not a bit.

It's not a bit, guys. You know, okay, here's my genuine advice for Hearst Castle. Okay. And this is something I am very new to because I think a year ago I would have given different advice. But now my advice is you're 19. Who fucking cares? You're obviously going to hang out and fuck this guy for like another few months, maybe six months, and then you're going to move on. He's going to get married, find somebody else, whatever.

Like, you're young. You're 19. Like, I didn't go on my first date till I was 21. I didn't, like, fuck till I was 23. Like, you're young. You're 19. Like, I didn't go on my first date till I was 21. I didn't, like, fuck till I was 23. Like, you got so much time. Yeah. Who cares? I feel like the answer to every single one of our questions could be, you're 19.

Who cares? Isn't it Gabrus that said you could start every single piece of advice with relax? Yeah. Just relax. First of all, relax. Yeah, second of all. She's, like, she's talking about why she shouldn't marry this guy and i could agree yeah that you guys maybe aren't meant for the marriage

for marriage but it's not this isn't the part where you have to choose if anything he should try to choose sooner because he's the 29 year old i mean he's the one what are you talking about he's living a dream rent free having sex having sex with a hot young college student. Well, he's also living with his parents. I wouldn't call that living the dream. Living rent-free. Free meals, free laundry. Your mom's your best friend.

I'm already halfway there. I mean, this dude is my spirit animal. You could live with my parents. I did live with your parents. It's fucking the 19-year-olds I have a problem with. I had to drag you out of there. You were blowing a 14-year-old, but it's fucking the 19 year olds i have a problem with i had to drag you out of there you were blowing a 14 year old but it's not even not that close sure you're trending in that direction more illegal uh so you're 19 relax would you say living with your parents at 29 is kind of sad or it's fine

it's hard because like if it's out of your control it's never went to college works a minimum wage job it really it really depends because some people like you know moved out did their own thing and then they're like you know what i don't like this job i need a career change but i need to move home and like start on this new path like it depends where he is if he's if you never have moved out that's a problem yeah interesting i agree and it sounds like she's got uh i mean she's got all the context but she says minimum wage job living at home and he has no plans of changing that so it sounds like not the kind of uh good living at home with your parents that we're talking about. Right. Yeah. So I would say, hey, you've been there, you've done that.

Let's see what else is out there. And maybe in four years, when he's a 33-year-old, you can revisit him. 33, 23 seems more appropriate than 29, 19. Right. I mean, I say she doesn't have to stop dating him, but she should just continue to be dating him and not get into a relationship. You can only date someone for so long and not get into a relationship now you can't you can only date someone for so long before you're in a relationship she should either end it or go into it full more

full throttle i think she could she doesn't have that time that timeline that you're projecting i'm projecting a timeline yeah how long have they been together we don't know it said two months or no two weeks did it over the past month oh I've been going on dates with a new guy. Yeah, yeah. So you can give it a little more of a test drive. Yeah, give it another month, another two months. See what happens. Three months max.

Four is way too much. Five is okay again. You know what? If you hit five, you got to stay with him for three more months. It's called the five plus three rule. Does it say where they're from? Where do they fuck? Oh, where do they fuck?

They both live with their parents. They can't afford hotels. So what do they do, right? Yeah, and he says the sex is amazing. Amazing. Because they're having it in a car, and there's nothing hotter than car sex. Which brings me to my last porn search. POV car fucking.

There is actually, yeah, there are some car fucking videos that I love. There's actually a bunch of them. Car fucking videos. I would search POV car fucking there is actually yeah there's some car fucking videos that I love there's actually a bunch of them car fucking videos I would search POV car that's a great search term

it's not even porn I just want to be the point of view of a car driving that's why you have to search it on Pornhub

not Google if you search if you search that though there also is a lot of there's this weird niche where it's like old men

jerking off and then like facing the camera out the window, like waiting for people to catch them. Oh, that's the car. That's, that's, there's a lot of that. Really? There's one of a guy doing it at Walmart, just like walking around Walmart, like, and the camera's on his flaccid. Dear God.

He's like pointing at people waiting for them to see it. What? So weird. It's illegal. Why would they have that? That's also on YouTube, if you can imagine. It's educational. It was their suggested video after the lady shaving her cooch.

Christ. Shane, thanks for coming on our show. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Do you have anything specifically you want to promote that's more short term or your book or this or that? Oh, my podcast. If you search Shane and Friends on iTunes or SoundCloud or something, it's a, it's fun. Shane and friends.

Yeah. And we know you guys like podcasts cause you're listening to this one. Yeah. So don't, don't fucking call it like do play that card. Oh, I don't know if I listen to podcast. Look up rent,

do look up property sex. But then after that, Shane and friends, uh, the opening theme song, or I should say, if you have your own questions, you can send it all to,

if I were you show at gmail.com. You can also send your theme songs to there. The opening one was written by grandmaster Kate, and this closing one was written by Josh Hetzky. Thanks again, Shane. Thank you. Thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back soon enough. Bye. Jake and Amir I could use your help here Cause I don't know what to do So I'm asking if I were you Ooh, ooh, ooh If I were you. If I were you. Yeah, the problem is I 69 my dad. That was a HeadGum Podcast.