Segments - 202: Mixed Signals

Episode Date: February 25, 2016

In this episode we discuss traveling alone and partying with others. This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Jake and Amir got some things to say. Most of it is pointless, but anyway. If you got a problem, they'll listen to you on the If I Were You Show. Kazoo. Yeah. Very cool. A kazoo, which is not a real instrument kazoo that's new

uh it's actually not new well i mean for us um oh i see yeah kazoo that's new for us right that was that was written by and performed by Dan Roffey. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. You really are sick. I have what is self-diagnosed as minor food poisoning. Yeah, but you're making a major deal out of it. I am leaking shit out of my asshole right now. It might be straight up food poisoning.

No, because this is the difference. One, there was no vomiting. Have you ever had food poisoning? Yeah. Okay. No di-her-hee-ha. Nice. Di-her-hee-ha.

That's a nice, that's a cool. Di-her-hee-ha. All right. Well, you don't have to harp on it, but I do like the way... That's like a PG way of saying it. Yeah. It's cool. I dig it. What I do have is indigestion, you know, like sharp, gaseous pains.

Like I'll eat food and then like five minutes later, I'll hear gurgling and it feels like someone is shoving a Frisbee out of my abdomen. Oh, man. I don't think I've ever had a stomachache in my whole life which is weird because you went through several decades of just eating garbage yeah my i don't know what it is i get sick in my head never my stomach oh interesting uh so i don't like it's it's like uh are you are you farting yeah i'm farting a lot are they painful farts no they're great farts because the fart is the release i see yeah have you tried just doing like kind of like a yoga

child's pose and letting all the farts rise to the top yeah what i'll do is i'll lay on my stomach child uh like a invention convention volcano or something yeah well i think it's like laying on your stomach making your anus the tallest point of your body, and let the gas just rise out. Yeah. Yeah. And much like a volcano, it reeks of sulfur. Right.

Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. And also, a lot like a volcano, my ass is just a mound of sediment. If you're listening to this podcast and you're curious what it might look like yeah we are filming it yeah we're oh yeah we should say that this is one of the uh we're trying to film more episodes uh marissa very talented videographer is uh helping us out today uh she said you know i'm a fan of the show i i'm interning at college humor why don't i

videotape is it videotape? Record? Record. Record one of your podcasts. Because there's no tape in these cameras. Is there a VHS tape in there? There is. Really? Yeah. The tiniest little cassette.

Cool. I don't know if this will be up, because this is a bonus Thursday episode. I don't know if it'll be up. The video will be up on Thursday, but we'll put it up as soon as we get it. Sure. So, thanks, Marissa, and thanks for watching, if you're watching. This is an advice podcast. It's not just about my indigestion.

It's also an advice show. I would talk about this all day, though. Yeah, because another thing I felt was muscle aches. Yeah. Yeah, and like a slight fever. But that went away pretty quickly. So now you're just left with the nausea and the indigestion. Not even nausea.

Oh, not nausea? Yeah, just like a rumbly in my tumbly and you are you do you feel fatigued or is it really just only stomach ache it's down to just the stomach ache part no i mean you're not even sick at this point yeah you're fine yeah uh it's called if i were you it's an advice podcast it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm the pinch um sorry i gotta embrace it uh we are going to be answering real emails from real people uh gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity yes uh so why don't we just get right into it let's do it right into it after we spend 10 minutes talking about your painful fart

uh all right i got a good one right off the bat this one is from a male who i'll call pepto-bismol nice all right pepto-bismol writes uh i'll shorten this down but i because i tend to ramble i'm an english uni student who just got out of a long-term, long-distance relationship a couple months ago. I figure as next year is my master's slash last year of uni, once and for all, I'm finally okay and comfortable with being me. It's time to embrace being single. So I'm taking a trip to Toronto solo this August for two weeks.

What's the best way to quickly go from, sorry. Oh, sorry. What's the best way to quickly go from chats to dates when I'm visiting? Did I miss a line? It didn't sound like it. This is going to be interesting. How do we cut around this in a video, dude? I don't think so. All right. It's not. I didn't sound like it this is going to be interesting how do we cut around this in a video dude i don't think so all right it's not it's i didn't miss a line but he's talking about using

tinder yeah how do i what's the best way to quickly go from chats to dates when visiting a brand new place on tinder the subject says tinder but the email did not cool yeah so he's we got it we got it he's visiting uh toronto for two weeks weeks and is wondering if he swipes on Tinder, what's the quickest? How do you go from like talking to dating a girl if you're only there for a short amount of time? Very. All right.

This is, did you pick this question because we often have to do this when we're on tour? Yeah. I mean, it just rings true a little bit. Yeah. We've done it before. Yeah. And the deal is that it will fail more often than not. Yeah, maybe.

But, well, sure, fine, yeah. But that's like dating apps in general. That's nothing like unique to Toronto or whatever. I just think you have at least a higher success rate to getting responded to. Because, I mean, the initial question is like, hey, I'm here only for a week. I need a list of things to do. I need a great place to go to dinner.

Where do people go dancing? That type of thing. And people are way more eager to share their recommendations to the city that they live in than they are to answer just like you if you say hey what up right or like hey we should go on a date sometime and if it doesn't go well then i'll see you every day because i also live here right but if you open it up with something like hey i'm only in town for a short amount of time what should i do yeah then they're talking about the most exciting parts of their city and they're talking about their favorite restaurants

their favorite bars so it's pretty logical to suggest like are you going to be there or something then you get that little date then you get a little personal tour guide then you get a city girlfriend nothing's better than a city girlfriend

you can just have a girlfriend for like five or six days all the benefits of being in a relationship like the camaraderie It's a city girlfriend. You just have like a girlfriend for like five or six days. Oh, I see. All the benefits of being in a relationship, like the camaraderie, the sex, the flirtation, and then like none of the downside, because you're not going to get into like a major fight or have to meet her family. Yeah, that'd be funny if that happened within the first two weeks. Okay, you're going to need to meet my grandfather. What?

Yeah, he's actually really sick. I just want to see the CN Tower or maybe go to another revolving restaurant. No, no, no. My grandfather's in hospice and we have to visit him. That's your recommendation for a cool nightclub in the city? A nice meal. They feed him well in hospice. They really do.

Jesus Christ, this is so much. So soon. Let's do it. I want to know where it goes. Then you're in another long distance relationship. Yeah, that's another thing that I've heard of. I actually just heard this. A lady visiting a city, matched with a dude, hung out with him while she was there, was a city girlfriend.

And then she left they kept talking and now she moved to that city for him yeah uh it was a friend of a friend of ours do i know her uh you don't know the girl but uh yeah that's jesus christ that's well that's when a city girlfriend turns into a country girlfriend she's your girlfriend for the entire country. That way you can only cheat on her like in Canada or Mexico. Very true. And then eventually you have a continent girlfriend. Wasn't the rule like when you were younger?

I remember in high school people got different zip code. Zip codes are pretty easy to leave. Isn't a zip code just like your 10 block radius? Yeah, especially if you go down to like the next four numerals. Like you can be like 90069 dash these four. It's like a very specific street. That's just your block. Yeah.

You can cheat on it. There's a different area code. But even still, it's easy to get to there too. You can cheat on a girl as long as it's out of your house. You can always cheat on somebody. It's legal. It's just really frowned upon by everybody. And cried upon by some.

It's actually cried upon by a few. It's so frowned upon, you cry upon it. It's angered upon. What's another face you can make? Aghast upon? Yeah. Well, that's not a face, is it? Like a frown.

Shocked upon? Yeah. Well, that's not a face, is it? Like a frown. Shocked upon? Yeah. Shocked and awed upon. And I am a pawn in this game that you call love. So, what do you do when you are in a new city? You, one, feel free to swipe away as long as you... I think with Tinder Pro now, you can swipe in a city you're not even in yet.

That's cool. And also, I did this when I went to Iceland. I joined OkCupid in Reykjavik. Oh, yeah, because with that site, you can join before you actually get there. There are definitely some sites where you can set your zip code to wherever. It didn't work out that well,

but maybe because there weren't a lot of people on OkCupid in Iceland. There might be more in Toronto. Right. It's worth a shot. That is a good tip, too. Yeah. I mean, if you're going to embrace being single,

and I do say congrats on the end of your relationship, go for it. Get on every app. And then just ask for, you don't even have to ask her out first. You just ask for recommendations. That'll invariably get her excited. Because there's nothing hotter than not fiending.

If you're just going to be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to these clubs. I'm going to these bars. Thanks for the recs. She's like, I might be there, too. Right. Here's the wrinkle that we've never had to deal with. I'm taking a trip to Toronto solo. Yeah.

So he's by himself. We also get the benefit of being in there like, why are you in town? Like, oh, we're doing some shows. Yeah. Oh, shows. That's intriguing. So, you know, we're famous comedians. So it's a little, it's going to be a little tougher.

But he does have an English accent. Oh, because he's British. Yeah. So then suddenly the tables are switched once again he's basically gonna he can get way more pussy than we can so even if you're solo you can still ask for where to go what to do if you're solo dolo you can still ask where to go low do you know what i mean i agree i agree uh so but it is like i think there's something intriguing about saying by the like you know I don't know how to mention it.

Well, I mean, I do. But you can figure out your own way to mention it organically that you're there by yourself. That's a little intriguing. It's a little cool. Yeah, like, why are you here? What brings you here? Why are you in town? What kind of stuff do you want to do?

Oh, I'm on a self-adventure journey. I'm realizing who I actually am because I just got out of a relationship. I actually, I have another boyfriend, so don't talk to him anymore. It's just that I'm sort of doing this eat, pray, love shit right now. And I'm starting in Toronto and I'm ending in Calgary. Eating Pizza Hut in the mall. Just swiping away at a Panda Express. Traveling alone is very, it's weird because it's like there are these peaks

and valleys of like i remember driving across the country like by myself it was like you know wide open road like hiking in arches national park and being like this is amazing this is like i'm i'm finding myself i'm so empowered and then also just like jerking off in a Holiday Inn in Alabama. And you're like, okay, this is actually the loneliest I think I've ever been. I'm in Birmingham coming into a tissue on this. And you're always thinking like, what the fuck is wrong with me? I should just go outside and go to a bar and try to meet a local. And I remember on one of these trips, I went to a Hooters in like Amarillo, Texas. Thinking like I was going to walk in and some beautiful Hooters waitress was going to be like,

you're driving across the country by yourself. Let me come. I want to get out of here too. Got to go in the Hooters. I was just like by myself, shoulders hunched, had a single Bud Light. There's like all these boisterous tables of dudes all around me what you doing at the bar queer shut up dude i'm actually swiping if you guys have any recommendations for local hot spots did they have tinder when you did the cross-country trip i feel like that would have

changed your game a little bit the yeah uh they did but i i don't think i was like spending enough time yeah you're it does take at least like a day to like match with someone i mean it's hard to go from like match to date in like an hour or so right but also i think i was actually that was when i was moving back to new york so i wasn't on there was no tinder yet or i or at least wasn't on. Right. You know what else sucks is the, like, let's say you're going on a trip like that, and you match with someone in Alabama, but you're already in Texas, and it's like someone really attractive, and you're like, shit, I'll never see you again. Because Tinder, I don't know what it's like now, but at the time, it was like the radius didn't really update a lot of the time.

Oh, yeah. So I'd be swiping, and then I'd match with someone cute, and be like, why are you 1,000 miles away? And she's like, oh, I live in Nashville. Well, fuck. I'm in New Orleans. I'll let you know if I ever come to Nashville again. By that time, you'll be engaged to somebody you should be hanging out with. Fuck!

Christ! Not me. Ass. All right. Good luck, dude. Yeah. Godspeed. Here's another question from another dude.

Okay. We'll call him cow pectate, which is another medicine you should take when you're feeling not too good in your stomach area. Nice. Wait, you gave me Pepto-Bismol, but you said you've never had stomach pain. Yeah, I did it like when I had, when you have diarrhea, you take Pepto-Bismol, right? Sure. Or diarrhea.

Diarrhea. So I recently got invited to a birthday party that I don't really want to attend. The problem is that the host and all the guests are my girlfriend's friends. I know most of the guests and I know these people don't like me. The only reason I'm invited is because I'm with my girlfriend. I don't mind these people, but I know they don't want me there. I have no interest in ruining it or making the night awkward for anyone. It wouldn't be a problem if it was a bigger event, but this is a small meetup between fewer closer friends. Even though as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to feel like this

might be the most insignificant question you've ever received, I still feel like an asshole slash jerk teenager for not wanting to go. My girlfriend is really nice, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Skipping parties has only been an issue for me since I got someone who expects me to go with them. The party's in two weeks. I'm 17 and the host turns 18 if that helps. Do you have any good excuses I can use without hurting my girlfriend's feelings? Should I just go to this party anyways? Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Okay, Calpectate? I would say he should go to the party. He's got a very low opinion of himself and his girlfriend's friends. It's so funny that he thinks none of them want him there. Yeah, there's a good chance that he just has social anxiety. And your

girlfriend's friends just like your girlfriend and don't really care that much about you. Yeah. So not that they don't like you it's just that they don't know you and they don't care yet but if you come to this party maybe you'll be accepted maybe you'll gain some new friends and that's a nice thing but would it be it would be funny if he was actually a nasty little boy that nobody wants to be there because he sounds he sounds like it a little bit in this but towards the end he got a little more self-aware and he's like, I know I'm an asshole. Right. So... Do you ever try to get out of parties?

What excuse is a good excuse? I try to get out of parties all the time, but I think I usually just don't show up and then I text or something later that like something came up. Oh, yeah. I don't ever have somebody that's like really needs like, you know, somebody that's like, you have to come to this party and then I have to tell them that I don't want to go. Right. There's not really a good excuse. A good rule of thumb for parties is that most people, most of the time, people don't really

expect or care for you to come. This one is, it seems like this is just, it's not the party thing. It's the whether you should do your girlfriend a favor thing. Because it's weird to be like, I don't want to go to this party with you and your friends. That's the issue. Your friends hate me and I hate your friends. It's one of the worst, most annoying problems to deal with in a relationship.

It's also like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your friends hate me, so like you're going to be a miserable asshole at the party. And then they do hate you. Because you're a miserable asshole. Yeah, and you make your girlfriend upset because you're really sour at the party. Yeah.

So just go to the party and try to be nice to your girlfriend. That's really all that matters. And make one friend at the party. Just one person you can talk to. Break up with your girlfriend. That's not good advice. No, you should probably just go. I mean, there are worse things than going to a party.

At worst, it's just one night of your life. Yeah. I like that he says, I'm 17 and the host is turning 18. Trying to, like, hope that we'd be like, whoa, that's a little weird. You shouldn't go to the party. Yeah. But that's pretty much the most normal two ages you can be about a birthday party.

And especially having this anxiety, it makes a lot of sense that he's only 17. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because he's having teenage issues. Yeah. I definitely, at this point, I know that nobody really notices me at a party.

So you just got to go. Don't think about the party. Think about your relationship. And it's going to be way more of a stress to break or to annoy your girlfriend and get into this fight and have this be a rift. Just try to get over it. Get over it. Is that good advice?

To get over it? Yes. Well, not all the time. But I think in this case, get over it. All right, get over it. Let's take a break, and we'll be back with more right after this commercial. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create. Easy to sell. Easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter,

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for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

Heck yeah. Yes, dude. Yeah. Yeah. bun code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace heck yeah yes dude yeah yeah are we back we're back this is it we're back are we back for camera everything is good yes dude holy shit okay um recording this on a wednesday out on a thursday bonus episode uh still before we go to Austin for South by Southwest. That is correct. Our individual show is sold out. Yeah. Pound that shit, dude. Thanks, bro. I appreciate that.

We do have two other HeadGum shows that we will be at. If you didn't get your tickets to our show, or if you want to just extend the party. You really should. That's why we called it HeadGum-a-palooza. We didn't actually call it that. I've been calling it HeadGum-a-palooza. To who? Everybody. Because hashtag HeadGum-a-Palooza. We didn't actually call it that. I've been calling it Head Gum-a-Palooza. To who?

Everybody. Because... Hashtag Head Gum-a-Palooza. You are very delicate handing me, and I feel like you're, you just, oh, okay, fingers falling off. That is a severe case of food poisoning. Turned into leprosy. Yeah.

But it is, like, I think it's going to be like two full days of fun. I think everybody should come. Yeah. So if you haven't got your tickets yet to our show or any other show, that URL is ifireyoushow.com. We'll have everything. Yeah. Because if you're like us, you might like Josh.

You might like This Is Why You're Single. You might like Gaybrist, the high and mighty man himself. The Black Man Can't Jump. She Didn't Text Back. Kevin T. Porter. And it's more than just a show. gay brist the high and mighty man himself the black man can't jump she didn't text back kevin t porter and it's more than just a show it'll be like a gathering a get together of would you call it a head gumapalooza i wouldn't do that just because of uh legality how about gumstock that's really good you like gumstock yeah i like it as you're gonna want to tell your kids uh in a couple years that you were

at gums the original the original do you remember the original gumstock yeah dude people fucking in the mud yeah it's gonna be happening mud fuckers uh so check it out uh and if you don't live in texas or near texas i guess you can come see us in Boston, Washington, D.C., Brooklyn, or New Haven. New Haven, Pistol Wavin'. How's what's up? The 203s, the A! Yell New Haven. We're doing our best to make that the most popular show.

And it's doing pretty well. It's selling pretty well for a smaller city. Yeah. For a little shit town. For a little shit town. You're a shit town, dude. You're born and raised in a hula. No, I wasn't.

Where were you born? I was born in a hula, but I was raised in Los Angeles. There we go. Raised. Trust me, your parents raised you when you were one and two, dude. They're actually raising you pretty damn good. Now I feel like you've switched gears. Now you're just like berating me for not respecting my parents.

Whatever shames you into calling it headstock or gumstock or whatever the fuck I said. Gumapalooza. Also, can I mention this table finally? Yeah. Okay, yeah, that's really nice. Get a little sweep of the table here. Thank you, Marissa. This is perfect for everybody listening.

Now, you guys, I want everyone to know. Well, the table's shown up in some Instagram photos, I think. This is perfect for everybody listening. I want everyone to know, well, the table's shown up in some Instagram photos, I think. This table has turned, actually. The table has turned, yeah. You guys, we were gifted a table, and I said I was going to give this guy a free commercial on HeadGum,

and I never did. So here I am doing it now, because I finally remembered, Wildland Creations made this livewood table for us. And it's an Instagram account or a website? It's a website. It's an Instagram. It's got everything.

He finds trees in the woods that have already fallen down. That's how sustainable this operation is. And then he makes these gorgeous livewood coffee tables and stands. And I actually think it's one of my favorite pieces of the entire studio. But I can see there's chainsaw marks from where he must have... God, yeah, there's 50 trees in this thing that he just mowed down. How many tiny hands went into carving this? Like, a man's hand couldn't fit into there to get the varnish on.

No way. You know he's employing child labor. This is what he wanted, right? Yeah, look at the bottom timmy age six uh no this is great it looks great it is great it feels great you really appreciate it all right that's all thank you uh what was i gonna say shoot um there's not a lot of time to think when you're being recorded on camera and yeah usually we can just like take a second yeah in life you can be like hold on let me think and then two minutes of silence is fine

because you can edit yeah life is 90 years long uh and this podcast is only like uh 45 minutes so every literally every second is pressure talk to me more about life it's just that if if if if every if every minute was as important as every second on this podcast that would really make sure that you know how you live every day like it's your last live in the moment yeah exactly which i do in a fetal position crying in bed of course i want to treat every episode very very violently actually the pep to bismol you gave me did work. Oh, nice. Yeah. God, what? Oh, we have a new podcast on HeadGum.

That's what it was. Oh, Caldwell's. Caldwell and Nathan. Yeah. Are we on the first episode? We're not on the first episode. Wow. But we are upcoming.

Wow, shots fired. The podcast is called What Should We Draw? They basically talk about drawing something and then you can see what ended up being drawn, draw, drewed? What they drew.

What they drew at whatshouldwedraw.com. And people who followed us from CollegeHumor should probably most definitely know who Caldwell and Nathan are. At the very least, they've seen a ton of Caldwell and Nathan's comics, which have been all over CollegeHumor for a very long time.

It's basically the signature look of College Humor. And if you go to whatshouldwedraw.com, you can listen to the episodes where they discuss what they should draw, and then you can see ultimately what they drew. I don't know if it's better to look at the photo and be like, how did they get there? Or if they should listen to the episode and then check out the photo at the end. It's up to you. De choice really truly uh what should we draw uh new on the head gum network uh all

right let's get let's try to answer some more questions okay back into it uh this is from a girl what's another medicine that you uh ginger ale oh nice isn't that a good stripper name yeah that's cool yeah or like if you if oh i if you have like a red beard kind of like i do and uh your name is dale ginger dale oh come on dude hey hey talk to me man talk to ginger dale why do you have to have a red beard and not just red head? You could do that, too. Yeah. But I'm just trying to make myself Ginger Dale.

Yeah. You just want to be Ginger Dale. Fuck the pinch. Fuck Vance. Fuck Josh. I am now Ginger Dale. The worst nickname. The worst nickname.

Don't you talk to Ginger Dale that way. Ginger Dale is very easily offended ginger dale you scoff and you mock ginger dale there's got to be a dale out there who's a redhead and there's i i hope to god people there's a whole family of us Ginger Dales. Ginger Dale Senior. And then me. That's it. The whole family of just two people. All right. Ginger Ale writes,

A bit of a tale for you. It's an odyssey of beards, mixed signals, and I could seriously use some straight male insight. Okay. Are you guys ready to hear this little story? Yeah. Two years ago, I met a big bearded bear of a man. He's the lead singer of a moderately successful

Canadian rock band. All 70s revival, fringe and flares, very sexy. We had a drunken hookup that first night we met, but as soon as he didn't have a condom, we didn't have sex. Good on ya. He got my number the next morning, saying that I was the sweetest peach.

How nice. We kept relatively close touch and six months later he had another show in my home city of Vancouver, Canada, baby. He literally flew in three days earlier to spend time with me. Wow. Stayed at my house and everything. And you know what? He wouldn't have sex with me. He never even rounded first base. After I pressed him for reasons, he cited fear of commitment, respecting me too much, and another girl from home that he's hung up on. We stayed friends and over the next six months saw each other when we were in the same cities and had lovely hangouts. Despite being friends, his flirtations never stopped. Fast forward to last Thursday, he plays a show in Vancouver,

texted me, and put me on the guest list. We hung out after the show, and he was very attentive, lovely, flirty, affectionate, and he kissed me and asked if he could sleep over. Then, no sex, but lovely snuggling, explaining again that he was afraid of commitment, that he thinks too much of me to sleep with me. I fell asleep with him lovingly stroking my face.

He took me to brunch the next morning. The whole shebang. Then Friday, he had a second show. Put me on the guest list again. Got me backstage afterwards. This is where shit gets weird. He brought these two women backstage as well. Both about 30 to 35, quite heavy and not cute. Okay. finally opens an hour later and she and him are adjusting their clothes as they exit. He fucked

her while I was there, and the day after, all confusing but cute re-establishing of confection. Sorry, he fucked her while I was there, the day after, all the confusing but cute re-establishing of affection. I, of course, confronted this twat, and he basically looked sad for a second, then switched to defensive and said, look, I honestly think of you just a platonic friend, ginger ale. I'm not sexually attracted to you. And then he gestured for me to leave. We haven't spoken since. What the hell is with the mixed signals? What the hell is with the affection and loveliness? One second, then banging this gross lady while I'm there the next.

Hate to take it out on the lady, but seriously, she's like 300 pounds. Would very much appreciate the If I Were You insight on this. Thanks, Love Ginger Ale. All right. This is a, there's a lot to unpack here. It's a story. Yeah.

I do think she should not be the the lady that he had sex with did nothing wrong she did what this girl wanted to do right so let's not hate on her like her age or her weight yeah she got she got fucked by the guy you were trying to get fucked by, so I get why you're mad. Right. That being said, it's not her fault. Sounds like it's his fault. And also, to me, it kind of sounds like you don't have a lot of claim on this dude. Because he was the one who's constantly saying, no, no, no. Yeah, I mean, every time she tried to advance anything he didn't accept the advance yeah i mean it's a little confusing that they like slept in the same bed and he touched your face and

there are definitely some mixed signals but i don't think there are enough signals to feel like she had any real stake and like anybody that has sex with him is like coming into her territory right the problem is this doesn't ring true with me and maybe with you like if we are putting in so much effort it's to be sexual with somebody so it's a little weird that like he went through the effort of the reaching out and guest list and this, that, and sleeping over, and then being like, no. That being said, there's a lot of guys out there that are kind of different, like some that just want platonic affection. I know a lot of guys are like, I just want to cuddle, I don't want to sleep. I just want to like feel like I'm a boyfriend, but I don't necessarily want to get attached physically. Right. I don't think of sex like that right uh it's i guess it's

like i mean this guy seems like he's himself a little strange but i think that like sometimes uh people that have a lot of sex like probably a hot lead singer of a band uh they're they're more intrigued by something like very different like an older woman or something like that versus, I mean, how many cute 25-year-olds has this guy already had sex with? So he's like, now let's switch it up. Yeah, I know this guy that we grew up with. It's like one of the hottest dudes I've ever seen. And he was like inside and out.

Well, he was having so much sex that he stopped being attracted to people he would normally be attracted to and he started having sex with like really strange looking people because like it was that kind of like fetish that got him off like wow yeah so that's kind of interesting maybe that maybe that's what the guy's experiencing but not that i want to comment on the ugliness of uh this 35 year old lady he boned but we should talk to that guy. Yeah, I mean, I would love to interview this dude and be like... He's like a Ryan Gosling meets Mother Teresa type slash Robin Hood who fucks from the rich and gives to the poor.

Fucks... I think it's like... Try or tuck? No, try or fuck. Right. Yeah. He fucks from the dick and gives to the whore i don't know if i like it but it is a good rhyme so i'll allow it nonetheless uh this story of hooking up in

front of somebody that you invited over reminded me of a story that you have because it happened to you because you you were the guy. I am ashamed. Where you, where, I'll just paraphrase and not let you clarify. Paraphrase. But you made out with another girl while on a date with somebody else. Yeah. All right, moving on. So, why did you? Okay, I thought you were moving on from the story.

Like, I don't get to. No, I was just joking. What, why did that happen? Like, what, that girl could have emailed in and be like, what is that about? I will say, like, definitely in my heyday of being a douchebag, slimeball asshole, you know, sorry, excuse for a man. I, there have been many people who I've confused in the same way. Yeah, mixed signals. Like, let on, even, like, slept with, like, been on,

and then, like, invite them to a party, or they come out to a bar, and they watch me leave with somebody else. That has happened plenty of times. Is it because you invite lots of people out, and then you'll just choose, like, a Cupid, like, whoever's closest to you? I always just thought that, like,

oh, everybody's having fun, we're all hanging out, like, it doesn't matter who I've slept with, like, everybody's sleeping with everybody. And like, oh, this person is giving me attention and I want to sleep with this person. So no hard feelings. But that's just me projecting the way I feel about everything onto everybody. And it wasn't me being very empathetic because many people have sex and kind of feel like it's a bigger deal than a handshake. Yeah. That said, the most egregious thing I ever did was take somebody out on a date. And while they were in the bathroom, I started making out with somebody else. And then that person just tapped me on the shoulder. And I looked up like I was gonna, like I was surprised. And she said, um, bye. And that was it. That was that. You know what the problem is? People constantly preach the golden rule, treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

Right. The problem is when you don't respect yourself, suddenly that rule gets twisted. That was one of the most dangerous things that I was doing to myself, is I thought I was a monster, and I was amused by it, because I hated myself so much. I'm like, oh, Jake, you scoundrel, you piece of shit, you dirty dog. And I kind of like, and I owned it in a way that wasn't good. Like, when you're that much of a monster, you should have a little bit of, what is the word? Empathy? Yeah. Well, I should have had more empathy, but I should have also taken it a little less lightly and been like, hey, people actually really hate you.

Like that girl that I invited out on a date, you know, that's, it's a funny story for me and it's like a horrible story for her right what a slap in the face yeah i and like i i got like a funny story and i made out with somebody and like you know yeah she got very hurt by that she got emotionally pranked that confuses somebody if a girl invited me out and then i went to the bathroom and she was making out with somebody what would you do i guess well to be honest i would probably laugh see that's the problem yeah i guess so i mean people care so you just assume other people don't care and that's the thing about empathy of like understanding where what she like what like what was her night right like she probably didn't get drunk before our date like I did.

She probably came home from work. Maybe she was even looking forward to the date all day. Maybe she, like, spent some time, like, primping herself and making herself look pretty. And who knows what's going on with her family or her job or her past relationships. Like, the billions of experiences she had leading up to this moment where I, rather than appreciate her and be attentive to her, just was like scanning the room for anybody else to fuck if, if I didn't think I might fuck her that night. Right.

So yeah, it's, it's, and maybe you could have fucked her. You could have hooked up with her. Yeah. There's a possibility that like I could have, if I was more open, kissed her, dated her, married her, had a kid with her.

Maybe that kid grows up to be the next president of the United States of America. That's a pretty cool thing. And you threw it all away for some drunken makeout set. Actually, I ended up marrying that girl. Yeah, and that kid is the president. That kid is Ted Cruz. Is Donald J. Trump. Oh, my Christ.

You have to start preparing yourself for a world where Donald Trump is our president. You get that, right? It's not a long shot anymore. We are here, people. I'm looking at property in Sydney. Do you trust me? Honestly, that's what they want. They want the liberals to leave.

But what happens when Trump becomes president? I'm buying property in America because this is my country. The Trump Tower. 58th floor, Upper West Side. You're caucusing for Trump. You were in Nevada last night. I'm caucusing. I'm canvassing.

I'm all of it. I'm all in. Will you caucus for me? Will you caucus for me? I was going to say that for that lady that you're talking about, the billions of experiences, whether she liked it or not, at one point in time, everything that she did in her life led her up to that one moment. So for that one moment, that was the climax of her life.

Like, everything is leading up to right now. Yeah, this is the sum of everything. And yeah, there's something empowering about that that being like rock bottom like okay let's let's be a little more uh scrutinizing about who i go out with and then just in your um uh another one of your um accolades of how good you are at text messages that wasn't the last time you saw that girl. We did have a follow-up. And if anybody's experienced this and needs some help, oh, Text Jake is closed. But I dug myself out of that hole and it was expert texting. That should have been the testimonial on textjake.com.

I guess if you purchase the text, you can still redeem them. That's true. Now's your time. All right, cool. That's it. That's our show. Thanks for listening. If you're watching one day on the YouTubes, thanks for watching. If you have a question for us or a theme song submission,

everything is going to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. By the way, did we ever answer this girl's question really uh i think we explained what the mixed signals were that like it didn't mean as much to the guy as it meant to her yeah um practicing empathy and i do feel sorry for this girl and i and um what's her name uh ginger ale yeah she the every don't go for guys like that in general the confusing guys that are having too much sex yeah and musicians and artists are kind of go for guys like that in general, the confusing guys that are having too much sex. Yeah, and musicians and artists are kind of conflicted and like that. They travel.

They are emotional. This girl probably needs somebody a little bit more dependable than a guy who comes every six months, sleeps over her house, strokes her face, and then bones somebody else in her presence. And that being said, if that is your relationship and you like that, then I think you just take the ups with the downs. And you like seeing him and spending time with him, and he's going to be confusing and

weird and have sex with other people. But if you're enjoying it, then go with it. Take the good with the bad, as you said. Cool. The opening theme song was written by ooh I forget Dan Ginger Dale did I write that one? Dan Roffey and this closing one is written by David White

back on Monday next week as usual and again we'll be in Austin, Boston DC, Brooklyn New Haven don't forget New Haven New Haven everybody else does all the tickets and all the information at ifirewshow.com. See you later, everybody.

You're up, you're listening to Podcast Colorful You with Amir and Jake and the house-dishing advice that's kind of cruel. But at least it's free and your anonymity will be preserved safely behind a name they heard on TV At least I think it was on TV I'm not entirely sure They must watch a lot of TV I don't know half their fucking names

So what are you waiting for? Turn your computer off Send that shit to if I were you Show at gmail.com And tune in every Monday. Yeah, yeah. Uh. That was a HeadGum Podcast.