Segments - 203: Thick Skin (w/Daren and Will!)

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Friends, comedians, and fellow HeadGum podcasters Daren Von Girdner and William Haynes join us to discuss bad roommates, loud sex, and our upcoming shows in Austin! This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace, Squarespace, and Ring.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. A little two for one. Darren, that was you, right? I will take the credit. I will take it. That guy went straight Jack Black at the end. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Today's is deep.

Yeah. Very deep. Sorry, continue. I didn't realize you do the intro like in real life. That was just like a post thing. Well, I play it just so we can get in the mood and then we can talk about it oh who wrote it uh made it great question jake uh hope you guys like it it's a crossover two for one kind of a enjoy and his name his i guess pseudonym is one clip left okay oh that's kind of violent one clip

left clip like a gun clip what are we talking here definitely not a paper clip of course because that's not threatening that was death metal that's really funny yeah i have one paper clip left or like one youtube clip left and then i go into bed oh i keep watching these dunk contest highlight reels and i really have to go to sleep clips yeah i have one clip left why do you guys ever think about, like, having, like, another brother? Oh. Like, in addition to. Yeah, you two.

Like, what if I just slipped in? Oh, you want to be a third Jake and Amir and Will. Yeah. Oh, Jake and Amir and Will. You're cutting me out. Look, I know, Darren. This was my idea when we were walking up the stairs. But no, no, no, no.

Like, you got your own, like, cool guy shit coming on. Yeah, you're a musician now. Yeah, you're too good for us, all're a musician yeah you're me you're too good for us all right uh well you're pretty cool too thanks i just you know i'm not i don't know what's wrong with the four of us being a thing though that's what i'm saying i'm here some foursome or i can leave and you guys can be the new i would honestly i was hoping you would i wanted to plant the seed that you would so yeah as i'm sitting here i'm realizing i've received a lot of influence from you guys in my life.

Because I've literally been watching you for years. It's so fun to hear that because you're much cooler than you ever was, let alone when I was 22. No, I'm not. Look, I'm like,

I just like... At the very least, you're better at hiding it. Oh, yeah. Does anyone actually think they're cool? Cool people don't think they're cool.

That's what makes them cool. Oh, shit. That's what Marge said on The Simpsons once. So you know it's true. Yeah. Oh, fuck. As soon as you think you're cool, you're not cool. Sometimes I think I'm cool.

But most of the time I know that I'm not. But every once in a while I'm like, oh, that was pretty cool. That's where I'm at. Sometimes I think Marge is hot. She is hot. She is. Yeah, right? And the Lois from Family Guy is guys like you know what family is really

you like cartoon moms i do you like betty it's a betty rubble i'm not gonna lie i'm a mom what the fuck like i do that's like the first shit that i got into hey who are these guys actually yeah we should introduce them darren and will yeah hello how are you darren and will i'm staring at two very hip cool like i said 22 25 year old reminding us of how old Jake and I were when we started making videos together. But it seems like... Your age difference is the exact same as ours, right? Yeah, I think we were 22 and 25. That's kind of a beautiful thing.

Yeah. You guys have a podcast on our network, amongst many other things. But your podcast is She Didn't Text Back. Oh, yeah. Which is sort of a younger, hipper, cooler, if I were you. I'm so happy that that's ever even been, like, fucking referenced. I will take that title. I'll take it.

I will take the sign. We're the top of your website. We should make t-shirts that say that. Hit me with that slogan again. Younger, hipper, cooler, if I were you. Write that bitch down. You know. It is implying that if I were you is cool in the first place.

Yeah. I have to give myself a little bit of credit. I mean, Darren and Will are here talking to me after all. There you go. I want to be you for a day, Amir. Can I be honest? I think we should switch for a day. We should.

Like, it would be the most incredible thing because I couldn't do it. I think you'd be a lot more bored than you think. But like, okay, so the things that you do, like I see you have right here. Like your laptop and your equipment and everything you do. Yeah, this is my comfort zone. Yeah, doing too much. Doing too much at once. Yeah, overextending.

I like to be spread thin. Well, first of all, right off the bat, you have to wear a night guard because your teeth are grinding in the middle of the night. I saw that in the bathroom. Yeah. I saw that in the bathroom. You're wearing a fucking disgusting if you want to be me for a day you got to start by wearing this plastic retainer that i wear to sleep to prevent my enamel soylent yeah you do the soylent thing yeah i just learned about that like two days ago we got a fridge

but it's healthy right wait i thought you're only supposed to do i saw you eating some egg rolls no no no oh i didn't i don't do exclusively i don't i'm not off food and on so i'd use it as like a quick meal replacement. Like, oh, I'm on the go. I don't have a lot of time. I got to get full of something ideally more healthy than like a candy bar. Does that actually like make you feel full? It does.

For like two to four hours, it does fill you up. Yeah. Wait. Holy shit. So that's how that works? We usually don't do the ads in minute five. But yeah, that is how that works. So, I'm trying to get me some of this Soylent shit.

And then how long do you feel energy for? This is amazing. I cannot stress that this is not a paid advertisement anymore. This is like that old timey thing where somebody... Hey, I could use that medicine. I've got a link. Oh, you, sir. Come on up on stage.

Yeah, you get a load of this uh colgate tooth powder that's right tooth powder so i found out about you guys's videos in 2008 yeah by my friend katherine who to this day huh shout out shout out to katherine she still listens to this she thinks she's so hot jake really oh so hot she always talks about it she found out that i knew you guys and was furious that i hadn't brought it up was she hot oh let's please hook them up y'all gotta go and just do the do but that's all i'm gonna say do the do and get it done i'd love to just follow her on instagram my headphones on airplane mode right now 2008 when i hear 2008 i'm like oh that's not that long ago that was eight years ago you were 14 you were in eighth grade when you were watching her videos

oh wait well mate and no No I'm sorry it was 2009 It wasn't next But still Yeah I was very young Dude you're really good at math Thanks bro Like I don't think I could have done that I needed my fingers and everything

Oh yeah I could do 16 minus 8 like that I'm counting behind my back but at the same time It's like you guys don't even know about it yet That's impressive Give him a 2 digitdigit multiplication table. We'll hit him with it. Oh, two times, oh, 10 times 14. Yeah, there you go.

140, right off the bat. Nine times 13. Oh. That wasn't a two-digit. 130 minus 13, which is 117. You did it. You really did it. 19 times 29.

So what I do is I'll do 20 times 29, which is 580, minus a 29. So that's 551. Wow, you are very smart. I hope that's right. 19 times 29. I hope it's 551. I don't even want to know if it's wrong or not. I don't want to know either.

You're smart. Can we freestyle? Even if it's wrong, I'm smart with confidence. Because you had such confidence with it. You're holding that mic like you're the fucking boss in this room and just telling me what it is. I know you guys freestyle. I know. I know.

Can we please do this together? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Wait, you actually freestyle? Hell yes. That's communication. I don't act. We do it for fun.

I wouldn't say we're professionals. I'd be really nervous to do it in front of you guys. Really? No. Yeah, because you guys are cooler than Amir. No, no, definitely. Oh, no mirror no no no i'm definitely bad at it i take my freestyles 100 serious that's what i'm afraid of wait i take like i take them serious too so if i fuck up are you guys no no wait are you one of you is better than the other i don't know i think one of us some days we have good days and others we don't uh yeah because

there's days i feel like i was like oh shit you went for it kind of good and then there's days like oh that was fucking embarrassing we should delete that and he has the same so yeah what about you guys uh i'm almost always out of the delete that yeah but that's the point of it that's a fun category to be in but once you once you like hit like a certain zone you're like oh that was pretty good you know we're better at is like freestyle singing where you can like stop and thinking about it because like rapping it's like i'm sprinting towards a cliff and i don't know if i can build it long enough for me to like stay afloat i think like what i've learned about it is like it's just it's literally for me how i do is i say anything stupid i really just think of

what i try to tell myself a story in my brain and just say it out loud and it's always terrible so if for me if i'm sucking i'm doing real good how do you guys freestyle like one of your beatboxes the other freestyles no we have like this we find apps an app that beats no no an app that just has like all the words it yeah it's just it's just itunes it's a clip of eminem yeah from eight mile it started from we used to go on youtube years ago and like type in rap beats for you because there's there's thousands of them yeah and in the comments people will like write their own and then darren and i would say them and they are terrible i forgot about that that's like my first memory

of our friendship yeah they like write their own lyrics you go to any any hip-hop beat on youtube and there's lyrics that are awful they just go ahead and recite them with your friends it's fun and yeah you just have to do them live it's a fun game where are we i feel like this is what we could we could jake and i could probably write a half decent rap we've done like the spoken word stuff where it's like it sounds spoken i'm that's my strong suit so spoken word poetry because when i start freestyling i start thinking i'm worried about a beat and i'm like thinking about oh i draw i fuck this up and then i'm like it doesn't matter if i make a rhyme or not everybody's like oh he's not musically inclined but if i do spoken word poetry or i could like take the like i can

turn thinking into a long pregnant pause that i like that yeah what you said you're good at or you feel like you can write a rap i feel like we could can we please like we're gonna plan it now you guys are gonna write your rap and we're gonna write ours and then we'll battle oh shit can we please do this can we do diss tracks can we pretend like we're like the problem the problem is we respect each other so much like we were just on your podcast i think the episode comes out today and we were just effusively praising each other. You guys saying how much you watched our stuff growing up. And we're like, oh, no, you guys are doing so well.

You guys are all ahead of the curve. You're so much cooler and better than we were at your age. So I don't know what the rap would be. That makes it even better. Yeah. That makes it even better. I feel like we didn't mean any of that. You got to dig deep.

Can I get anti-Semitic on the beat? Like, is it all right? Yeah, definitely. You've been asking the question, then. get anti-Semitic on a beat? Like, is it all right? Yeah, definitely. You've been asking the question, then. Yeah, sure. Just go for it. I mean, you already wrote for it. Oh, my God.

No, you didn't just do that. Drop a Drake lyric. He did. We dance to a lot of Drake at your party. You can go for it. Before we even get to you guys, I just wanted to talk to you guys about what our show is. Will, you said you've been listening for for a bit so you probably already know but in case anybody out there is listening for the first time this is an advice show yeah it's called if i were you it's actually the only

advice podcast on the internet hosted by jake and i yeah anonymity yeah that's right you taught me that word use it in the rap battle guys save it one of my favorite if i were you memories yes and i was this is when i had i was in my t-shirt factory and i i wasn't even making t-shirts i had to put them into a fucking bag and zip it up and put a mail order on i got so many of them wrong somebody got the only people got the wrong shit i don't give a fuck i was mad but i hated that part so much and i remember i was hearing you guys tell a story of i don't even i think jake went to israel and there was something something happened with some guy on a bus somebody was cheating on somebody yeah got jerked off on the bus yeah funniest shit ever

how do you get jerked off like the way you say that is like that's just they got a handshake like it happened to him yeah like as jerked off what's happening to me you're jerking me I got jerked off knock it off I'm trying to get to a destination you're going to realize throughout this episode that we interrupt a lot and I'm sorry you were doing the intro and you sounded so good

very polite almost got to a question so I want you to go ahead and continue where you were where we are is basically trying to answer some of these questions. You're a director. He moves. You guys know we're going to give these real emails from real people, fake names, to preserve their anonymity.

That's right. I got a good one right off the bat. You guys could make that a t-shirt Anonymity Maybe even around Halloween I like that It's like a witness protection program thing Oh yeah

We need a girl's name Will or Darren Sally Dudop Holy shit that was fast Will where were you on that shit I don't know women Amir Why'd you put me on blast you fucking slept on that you slept on that sally britchison all right we'll get the next one

sally dudap writes howdy i'm in college at portland state university i live in the dorms and during the fall term i did not have a roommate because she moved out due to the fact that she was racist and homophobic and quote didn't feel welcome in portland i got a roommate in the beginning of the winter term which started in january and she's the worst the old roommate had a machete and hated gays and she was better than the current one what my current roommate let's call her and then she says that's her actual name so i don't want to say it uh sally dude up too uh she facetimes her boyfriend until one or two in the morning every night and keeps me awake this wouldn't be a problem worse than being racist

it continues this wouldn't be a problem but i have class at 7 a.m every weekday due to work and early morning classes she isn't even quiet about it. She squeals and laughs and yells, babe, until they hang up. Sometimes they play video games online together and it's even louder. She has Skype sex with him while I'm in the room trying to sleep. No way.

She's talking to me right now. Sorry, she's talking to him right now. I have both earphones in and that's why this dumb fuck is an actual nightmare. Some quotes are, I want your body against my body, and show me your little buddy. This girl... That's how you do it. That's how you talk dirty.

This girl is the worst. Her boyfriend came last week for five days, one of which was my birthday, and I couldn't sleep in my own room, so I ended up sleeping in the show dorm that's on my floor I gave a housing tour so I unlocked the door after one before the boyfriend came I texted her asking if she could text me if they ever wanted quote alone time and I would stay out of the room but she refused and I walked in on them multiple times last week anyway I'm getting really tired of this late night FaceTime calls and I was wondering how them multiple times last week. Anyway, I'm getting really tired of this late-night FaceTime calls, and I was wondering, how should I get her to stop? I hate confrontation, so that is the last step.

I'm not too sure she would listen to me anyways. She's very thick. I was thinking that when I wake up in the mornings, I could call one of my friends on the East Coast and talk loudly until she leaves for work, but that's probably not the best solution. Help! I don't know what to do. Thanks, Sally Dudow.

Sally Dudow says too much words. P.S. That was a very long email. We gotta start editing them. P.S. Jake, what are some good poetry books? Oh, you know what? Well, I think I already recommended good poems curated by Garrison Keillor,

but I also, any Mary Oliver bookiver book i think is is this real yeah i love that was a real question she asked did you really or you just that was a p.s you know what yeah that's a major sex move right there jake major yeah you know what i started like i like poetry on my own then i realized that it got me laid and then i got even more into poetry and now i just actually like it yes it's kind of crazy can you imagine she walks into your room you know she sees like you know this is what you're working with. This is who you are. And she sees, what's that on the end of the bed?

I can't even tell you how many times the Good Poems book, honestly, every guy listening or girl, I guess girls don't really get laid from poetry. Somebody's back at their house. They already want it. But having the Good Poems book by my bed, and everybody inevitably asks, like, do you really read it? And I say, yeah. And then they don't believe you.

And then you open it up, and you've starred a bunch of your favorite poems. And then they read one, and it's over. It's as if you wrote it. Yeah. But you didn't write it. Do you ever recite that? Somebody's made me do that once, but I really hated it. Oh, really?

Really? Oh, i would love it that's like the freestyle comments reading somebody else's poetry yeah it's like i yeah it's like kind of nice but i if i felt like i was taking credit for it so i didn't sometimes you gotta do that and that's okay no it was philip booth yeah the poem first lesson got me laid did you guys go to college oh yeah yes i did for three years and i dropped out oh i don't even want to say but it's right down the street from where you used to live oh wait is that too much wait is it pierce no it's a film i went to a film school and i just

this question brought me back to i fucking hated it i'll say it's columbia college of hollywood got it i didn't like it. But that's because I was too young. When you go, my parents sent, my dad wanted me to go to film school so bad. I was 17, graduated. Most people were like, okay, maybe I'll chill at home for a little bit. He's like, nope, son, you got to go. August 1st, you're out of here.

So sent me to college all the way to fucking Tarzana at 17 years old. It was the worst shit of my life. Wait, Columbia College of Hollywood is in Tarzana, California? Yeah. That'sana california yeah that's funny yeah it's not great why it's not great but did you have dorms and stuff did you have to deal with this they didn't have dorms they had an apartment building that was close so they said oh we have a deal where you pay too much over here it wasn't it was a very small college though yeah it's not like a university did you go to college i did not right after high school it just worked jake went for like a couple years but you experienced the freshman dorm thing i did one year living on campus the freshman university yeah i dropped out of college eventually but i did one year like a true freshman living in a dorm i also had

the roommate i don't think anybody gets a great roommate that's the craziest thing about fresh about college one of the craziest thing about college. One of the craziest things is that you have to live with a stranger in your room. A room smaller than this is what you have to... Imagine walking up to a random guy at a party, how little you would get along with a random human, and that you have to live in an eight-foot-by-eight-foot room with this human. There's no reason... And there's a lantern on top of that.

There's no way it's ever gonna get along people fall in love and and uh in relationships move they decide to move in together and it destroys the relationship imagine people that don't get along having to be in the same room for a year the guy that i had to move in with into the apartment complexes isn't even a thing uh he was the exact opposite for me i was so incredibly nerdy and i still am and but like i just i couldn't even talk back then and he was just like dude want to go to the club and grind on shit i was fucking terrified but i learned a lot from him that's what if you find someone you tell you how to grind not quite but he would do

it in front of me he had this friend that was so hot i remember the reason i remember her huh no that's my friend uh i remember his friend i would always see her she was colombian and the only i would always be like i just want to get her pregnant i don't know why just lock it up yeah i was like seal the deal yeah did she go to columbia college because she wasian? Nope. She didn't even go there. He had girlfriends. That was incredible. What about you, Jake?

Did you have a good roommate? You lived in a dorm, right? Yeah, yeah. I don't think I had a problem with my roommate. He was a decent guy, but I just had a problem with living in dorms. At a certain point, everyone's disgusting. Oh, really? We just used to like get drunk and

turn the trash can over in the hallway yeah just for fun why on earth would I do that white boy stuff that's so dumb you both said white boy disease it's a common thing in our life what is that that's obviously a white boy thing

minorities have to clean this shit up in the morning so like I'm not gonna lie to you because everybody on the floor was white It's obviously a white boy thing. Minorities have to clean this shit up in the morning. Getting drunk? You wouldn't do that to your mom. I'm not going to do it because everybody on the floor was white. Exactly. So what do non-white people do for fun? See, minority people would have just smoked too much weed. Or like, I don't know.

Play it safe. Smoke weed, stay at home, watch a movie. What else? See, this is why you guys are cooler than us. Because you had to worry about consequences at the underage. Oh, God, I hate it. The worst thing that could happen to me is my RA would say, hey, will you clean up the garbage?

Like, I didn't do it. Fine, then someone else is going to do it. I remember with the white boy in our apartment, Floor did. He just, you know the fire extinguisher thing? He punched it and broke it. And that was it. Just for fun? He was mad.

He was drunk. But it was by our apartment so we were like oh we hope our our landlord lady doesn't think we did it because we're the local you know mexican and negro i'm sorry which one are you i don't know that's the craziest part i don't know yet not only is it you're living in a room with a stranger it's like also this building is filled with teenagers who are first getting their taste of independence. What could possibly go wrong? What could possibly go wrong? I was just saying this to my friend. Okay, I went to 17 years old.

For me, at that point, this is when your horniness is at its peak. How the fuck am I supposed to learn when this girl is going to Forever 21 every weekend getting the skippy shit that lady gaga just had on that's who's trying to make her pregnant that's why i wanted to get angie oops now you're doing shit i always do yeah you know i just did it by accident i bet the sex i bet everyone is having sex it's probably dangerous no i was not having sex in college but i thought you didn't do like a dorm thing i think that's different right for the dorm thing, it's too easy. I would have loved to been cool, confident, and hot as

an 18-year-old in the dorm where you're just walking around, meeting freshman girls, being the man about town. I had no friends in high school, so there was no way I could have went to college and just fucking had a bunch of sex. So when did you start having a lot of sex? 16.

When you were in high school, you were having a lot of sex you couldn't have peaked so when did you start having a lot of sex 16 when you were in high school you're having a lot of sex yeah who how you seen how darren looks and shit darren's mixed race those people get fucked have you seen you've been out with this guy and he just gets ladies all over him it's actually kind of terrible for me like how am i supposed to grow up and become sexually independent when like like darren has met so little of my like women's that i've been dating i realized because i didn't want to bring him around him because they're gonna take one look at that and be like oh he's like him but how do i upgrade how does one homie hop which is actually the next question this girl said i don't want to i'm not i'm very non-confrontational but she also dropped this girl's actual name yeah like the most confrontational well she's trying to have us

do it publicly call her up she's just hoping that she listens to this podcast and we can set her straight i mean how much in the podcast she has a boyfriend i mean how terrible of a human do you have to be to have skype sex while your roommate is six feet away in a bed just fucking fucking a guy on over where else you going to do it? Yeah. Where else? That's the thing. I actually think some people,

what I've learned is I had a friend that would always Skype me when she was around other people. Some people are a little bit embarrassed to talk to somebody, and they need an audience to do it. Oh, I'm the exact opposite. I get a phone call from a girl that I'm seeing.

I'm fucking sprinting out of earshot so that I can be like, Hey, hi. Oh, yeah. I'm totally alone every relationship i've ever been in included me like explaining the way i picked up the phone was a bit or something because i don't want amir to hear me answer like hey baby yeah it's always like it's always a joke of like being extra mean when you pick up the phone it's like what do you want you want? And then Amir laughs and I'm like, I was just asking. Are you okay? No, you know, I just got to perform for my boys.

Yeah, it's like there's like two different types of people. Because there's some people that we even know in our personal life who will just drop everything. Hey, baby, I love you. I miss you so much in front of everyone. Yeah. And I'm just so confident. Hang up the phone after that conversation. I don't know.

Just go back to my conversation. What were we talking about? Yeah, it's this high. Yeah. It's like some what were we talking about they are willing to do it and i i respect it i do respect it it's basically do you want to have a fight with your friends or with the girl that you're talking to but also like this girl has to just deal to give this girl advice i think she at this point just has to deal with it oh you gotta get a new roommate yeah next year you get a new roommate like that's that's what freshman year is you just it sucks you're delta shithand i've had a friend uh had a roommate so bad that he straight up like left and like requested a change yeah you can do that too but you can request a change you don't want to be that bitch no i say like put a virus

on the phone and the computer and then problem solved you just unplug the wi-fi or something and then all of a sudden change your data yeah the password of the wi-fi yeah go yeah i don't think it's that easy because it's probably like a building wide thing let's not get technical pull the fire alarm every once in a while it would or get yourself a boyfriend on campus and start sleeping out oh hell his shit so like are we supposed to give real advice yeah you can give real advice what would you do in this situation if the person in my dorm was constantly having skype sex uh i would say something i would just like i can hear you yeah hey i'm right here yeah uh-huh cool don't want none of that yeah go to the library or something i don't know i would call him out though yeah i guess like if you establish yourself as the type of person that will just, you know, call somebody out.

If you're really not, can she tell on her? Can she be like, I'm tattling on her. This is the dichotomy, right? You don't want to go that route. Just say it once and it will solve all the problems. It's a tattle.

It's a call out. And I would, I think I would, um, I would leave. I, I just, I removed myself from the negative situation.

What? You would tattle then leave? Is that what you said? No, I wouldn't tattle. I would, I would just get this thing you could do this girl who she apparently has a key to the sample dorm i would be living there yeah what the fuck is a sample dorm it's like oh this is where they this is where a human would live and they show you a nice clean room definitely sleep in there yeah i remember when i was 18 looking at like the sample dorms

like on the college's website and like like, oh, here's the lobby. Here's, oh, and the bedroom. This looks pretty nice. Spacious. Every single one had two fucking bunk beds in it. It's a prison. It might as well have been a prison. And I was like, this one's perfect.

Sometimes there's three. Three in a room. Did you guys have that? Yeah, we did. Like a bunk and then a lofted bed above desks. That is too many people. You can't jerk off. Yeah.

You could not be like man i knew my roommate's schedule better than mine i knew exactly when he was in class i knew every i knew his fucking every single move wasn't it also like a community shower yeah is that a thing but i would just i jerk off that sounds horrible weekend of my life was the weekend his grandma died and had to go home you killed her her my god small price to pay all right baby but that's fucking great you know i just realized that like i have 48 hours to jerk off when you're 18 like that's a that's it's striking that's gold oil it's yeah it's gold oh shit that was probably like that will be in your memory forever deathbed yeah like yeah as

an adult now i feel like i can jerk off whatever i want it's not a freeing fucking feeling that's so great how they expect you to learn in these institutions of education when you can't go and fucking up you know i teacher i can't learn anymore because i'm fucking horny yeah i can't concentrate we all know men can't think straight unless they enter the tank and go oh yeah i don't really like her yeah yeah once you remove all of your sexual deviancy in the seed let's take a tally that's two for leave this person alone yeah I would

you would say leave? especially when I was in college and still now I don't think I'm very confrontational I would just deal with it really? yeah I would just deal with it so like put some headphones in and just try to go to sleep? yep I would definitely say some shit am I the only one? am I alone i mean you're i think you're right but i don't think i would do it yeah that is what you should do i think i've realized in life that you just

communicate and it solves all your problems yeah and i mean if you i think i call this the pure heart rule if you do this like you're not harboring any long-lasting ill will. You're saying right in the moment, like, hey, don't do that. Right. And it's over. And she stops. Spray her with a water bottle like a cat. The beautiful thing is you're not in the wrong. No.

And it's like I don't hate you. You're not a bad person. I just want you to stop doing what you're doing right now. And it's over after that. Right. But I'm the kind of – in this situation this situation i do the wrong thing which is that i let it like i build resentment and i'm just like yeah she does this all the time best fucking worst do you start talking shit to all your friends and i hate the boyfriend yeah for

you don't even know the boyfriend his little buddy yeah how can he do that though like you know what you were saying like you say you run for the hills when you go yeah how could you be like showing oh yeah here's my little dicky out here like when she's's on the phone with someone in the room. Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't know. Next time the little buddy's about to come out, just like pop your head into frame and be like,

I'm here too. And then the boyfriend will never want to have it. I could never. Or he will definitely want to have more friends. I think I was talking to you earlier

about like Skyping people and like maybe Skype sex. I could never do that shit. That's why. Even in privacy? Yeah, I'm not about that. That's weird. I'm not about jerking off

my dick in front of somebody like those camera like that's what about like cam girls can you imagine doing that oh christ anonymous me being the cam girl me watching the camera you as a little uh a little woman girl i would be a really good cam boy he was a thai lady boy i would kill it i would hook up like a really crisp mic It would be a lot of voice stuff It would be a whole show Like ASMR stuff

Sometimes I'd be like you know straight out of prison About to jerk off my dick in front of you You know sometimes I'm like part of the Jackson 5 I think we have a friend I can't remember who it is currently But they did cam boy stuff for a little bit Cam boy? Who the fuck is that?

No, was it Cam Newton? No, not Cam Newton, but I know about Cam Newton. It's going to fucking bother me. Huh? It's going to bother me. One of our friends is a cam boy? Used to be for a little bit. Was it like on the low?

Oh, definitely. Didn't put the face in it, which I found interesting. I do not know about this. I know a friend that was a cam girl. I know that one, too. You guys got any of those? the face in it which i found i do not know about this i know a friend that was a cam girl for i know that one too yeah you guys got any of those uh we also friends that just straight up do the porn me too i think we have a mutual friend we probably do uh-huh is that our little buddy we'll talk about that later and then we all like you know that's it i'm kidding. I don't know her.

I just wanted to insinuate. Do you guys feel like you help the world with the podcast? I feel like a little bit, one at a time. Whether we're giving advice or making people enjoy their otherwise boring commute, we're helping. Micro-helping. My brother's a doctor and he saves lives

and it's not quite that level. I feel like it's up to par. Same thing. I don't know because you don't know what kind of doctor he is. He operates on infants. High-risk pregnancy. Yeah, yeah. On what?

If there's a baby that's at risk of dying, he operates on the baby inside the mom. Whoa, that's a thing, huh? Yeah, he'll fix babies, unborn babies. That's the kind of good doctor he is. So if you're doing a podcast it's sort of that so your parents are really proud of your brother

my parents love their son is he an older brother yeah older brother there's nothing better that you can say mom I'm dating this guy well you know

he operates on babies yeah he's a doctor there's nothing safer than that that's what I want I want to date a doctor wouldn't that be amazing that would be fucking cool

well their schedule would probably be hectic I've been watching scrubs so you also really got to date a real doctor because what if you're dating a doctor and then you find out they're like uh just they uh we'll watch tread lightly right now all right dentist like my girlfriend's a doctor what kind of doctor teeth doctor i mean a teeth doctor but then orthodontist is a step up because you know that might be like a private practice but you're not saving anybody's lives oh man I've had a molar to them saving anybody's lives. Said the comedian. I saw people from killing

themselves all the time. Oh my god. I want to, oh, you get an award for that. You just got an award with that from me. Oh man, I love fucked up shit. Let's take a small little break. Thank a sponsor or two, and then we'll be right back with more Darren and Will.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right.

So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah and we're back darren and will how did you guys meet each other how are you on the show what are you guys other than podcasters on the head gum network enemies enemies yeah like i don't even like looking at this guy yeah yeah bad there's a lot of drake quotes on our podcast today oh yeah it's uh i'm i'm into it yeah i'm into that we we were both interns at um a place called source fed source fed four four years four and a half years ago yeah incredibly popular youtube channel yeah it was

like started by like phil defranco fun times so yeah you guys were interns did you were you making videos then no we no well on our own on personal oh shit but not for but not for them we were getting coffee as interns coffee uh go get wendy's um and some more coffee that's a good working there at the time 15 and now it's like what 40 something yeah um we've really gotten to see it grow as a company it's really fun yeah what it's such a small company like how did you find it what attracted it uh you to it when you started we were both fans of phil i don't know how you yeah phil defranco like he made a video once he's like my company's looking for interns and uh great impression i was like hell yeah so i took it and i did it for a couple of months

and they let me go because i didn't have a car wait no uh well they kept me on even though i didn't have a car i kind of snuck in snitched uh somebody snitched on me uh like i signed the they you could only do it if you had a car and i kind of like did it like where i signed the thing that i didn't have a car but i kind of made it seem like i did i didn't lie but i did click a box that i wasn't supposed to click and eventually they found out that i didn't have a car but they kept me on doing nothing and uh then i just you know i went away and i interned for other places and then i came back and as a t-shirt working at the t-shirt company and i was then they took me off that

to be an editor and I was like hey I want to be a host and then they did that and now I launched another channel through there it's been a journey yeah

so we both kind of just worked our ways up from the bottom yeah that's a good that's good like career advice like start by delivering Wendy's and then it's pretty soon

exactly yeah now you're producing for SourceFed Will's host yeah right hosting and writing everything life is weird i would love to just like fucking like like i said was i saying that here i was like i would love to be louis ck's social media manager for like three months i would totally do it are you good at facebook twitter youtube all of that stuff yeah

yeah i just because you know i grew up using them and i like branding and i like knowing what to do with things and like if i could do that him, I would learn so much from him. Just offhandedly hearing him, the way he communicates with people, the way that he thinks, I would love that. If you have an opportunity to take an internship, take one. One of the special things about Louie is probably the fact that he doesn't do any of that stuff and he's still so incredibly popular.

Oh, that he doesn't use Twitter and stuff? Yeah, he's not a kind of guy who's grinding like, I'm going to live tweet this episode so you guys can watch it. You'll never see him on a channel. No, he doesn't use Twitter and stuff. Yeah, he's not a kind of guy who's grinding, like, I'm going to live tweet this episode so you guys can watch it. You'll never see him on a parent's book. No, he doesn't. I totally believe you for a second. No. I was like, what the fuck?

Incredibly popular Snapchat. It would be amazing if he just started a Twitch channel. What's your, since you guys are like a decade behind us, age-wise, what's your social media thing like what's your social security numbers what's your social security number you wake up in the morning what's your first thing that you check is it the same shit that we check or is it shit that we've never heard of what are the feeds hierarchy i've decided not to look at things when i wake up in the morning and i realize it's fucked me up and now it's harder for me to get up in the morning no

already you're more mature than we ever could imagine that's a great rule until i look at my phone yeah i look at reddit reddit first yeah reddit before before all your social media stuff well reddit is great because uh it might be morbid but you can see if like any bullshit has happened in the world yeah especially like we work at a news place i kind of have to know yeah yeah but you know i'm on top of it i've been like over my phone lately like i've been putting it down and looking around in the world, and it's been so weird. Hashtag look up. Hashtag look up for once.

We're connected in some weird way. I feel so. But I've been doing the exact same thing. Yeah. And I just find myself in line at Starbucks looking around like this and feeling like this is what James Bond would do. Yeah. He would be find myself in line at Starbucks looking around like this and feeling like, this is what James Bond would do. Yeah.

He would be looking at his phone. Oh, James Bond. Actually, let me search that hashtag on Twitter. Exactly. It's too easy to look into things. So easy to look down into your phone. But it's like, what I've learned is that my friends are always on it. And I realize, I've only been doing this for like a week or two maybe. And I realized that I was always on it too.

And I just, I don't know. I'll go back into it eventually i hate looking at my phone i really do doesn't make me i don't like it either but i do it all the time you tell me if you guys notice this there's a new thing and there's not a word for it yet and it's like when everybody's at lunch or dinner and nobody's on their phone because everybody sort of knows that it's not acceptable there but during the course of conversation something comes up where it like sounds acceptable like oh i'll look it up or i'll show it to you and then everyone and it's not acceptable there. But during the course of conversation, something comes up where it sounds acceptable. Like, oh, I'll look it up or I'll show it to you. And then everyone.

And it's like a joy. The floodgates are open. Yeah, it's like you get to pick up your phone. Oh, God, what a thrill. And it's socially acceptable because you've announced to everyone that you're going to do it. And it's for the good of the group.

Yeah. But then the floodgates are open. Everybody's on their phone. Yeah, because then everyone's like, oh, yeah, I'll look it up too. It's the equivalent of a smoke break because then it's like three minutes and you're just like everyone's been staring at their phone and sounds and the worst is like when a waitress comes like so how's

everything going everyone oh yeah good we're catching up it's also like i remember in elementary school whenever we would play a game at recess and as soon as some kid was like all right i'm gonna go on a bathroom break let's take a break the game was over so once somebody everybody picks up their phone like there's always at least one person who straggles away and you never see it once one person yeah there was this funny god i wish i should i not say the joke if i can't remember the comedian that said it no okay maybe we'll know there's a really funny joke where it's like whenever a meal is happening right now everyone puts their phone on the table like face down and that's like the equivalent of the old west like the guns like as soon as anything boring happens everyone like reaches for their phone and grabs

it like they used to do with their guns why do why do we all put our phones down yeah they all put it on down on the table face down i put it down and also like when i get text it only says a name it doesn't actually say you know you can some some people it says the text yeah yeah mine doesn't and i still put it down down. And I got nothing to hide. I have a friend, I think it's inappropriate. She's a friend of mine, but she's made it clear that she has feelings for me.

And she will just straight up read my text messages while I'm standing next to her. Isn't that inappropriate? Yeah, she'll be like, oh, so you're going and doing that. Hey! I'll do that too like unbeknownst like when when i'm with somebody and they're looking at their phone and i don't have my phone i'll just stare at their phone i'm like oh this is giving me like a it's like the nicotine

this is like a patch i'm like at least i'm staring at a phone this is scary and it's exciting because it's like oh look at these text messages that i'm not even a part of like it's so voyeuristic when do you do that if i'm just like with you and you're on your phone at starbucks i will like probably glance at your phone to see what you're doing that's really what's some juicy shit you've seen because i know i know jake it's not juicy it's just like exciting because it's like totally like not meant for me yeah you're not involved just like any like any conversation on your phone i would be really intrigued to read oh we'll read them really yeah i don't like reading other people's shit because i'm like you know when like i've had a couple

people come up to me and be like oh i heard somebody talking shit about you i'm like don't tell me i don't want to know i don't need to know if it's about me i just like i'm so curious as to how you interact with your friends oh yeah because it's so different than probably how i do it that probably is very interesting yeah if it's about me though i don't want to know no yeah i definitely want to know you do definitely want to know yes i'm like if y'all want to talk to shit keep it over there i'm bringing that in here sit down i want to hear uh i want to hear we should probably mention that we're all going to austin together hell yeah uh for during south by uh we're having a HeadGum Podcast festival of sorts. Jake and I are doing a show, and you guys are doing a show.

You guys are headlining the show right before us. Ooh, I'm nervous. Friday at 3 p.m., She Didn't Text Back is doing a show with Gabrus, High and Mighty, and Black Men Can't Jump. Three super funny podcasts, back to back to back. Tickets still available. You can check them out at ifireallyshow.com.

You know, I will say, if you already bought a ticket to our show, they should buy a ticket to this show. And I know I'm telling people to spend $40, because ours are $20. But you know what? Yeah. Our show will probably be sold out by the time this episode airs. You'll get so many more $40.

You just, yeah, exactly. It's $20. Go in your mom's purse. That's what I'm saying. Go in your mom's purse. That's what I'm saying. Go in your mom's purse. Come on. Grab a credit card. Easy.

But you do, you buy a ticket for the whole entire day. We'll all hang out. We'll all party. Yeah. And you'd be like, I want to turn this

into like a danger turned into a rager turns into an orgy back in the house. Hell yeah. Bring the drugs. If there's three podcasts, do we all like get an hour

and go ahead and... Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Yeah. We'll all get an hour and go ahead and yeah yeah something like that yeah you'll all get an hour it's gonna be a festival and jake and i will be there the entire time uh come check out the shows watch we're calling it head gum a palooza yeah i like it rolls out headstock oh headstock's pretty cool too yeah you can't lose gum. Headstock 2016. Headstock? Gumstock. Gumstock. Gumstock is... I really like gumstock. Gumstock. You owe us some money. Shit, now we have to play music.

Okay, I'll take it. Let's answer a few more questions. We're here for only so long on this earth. What would we do if not answer some more questions? Answer them in heaven. Don't you think it's real? Will, I want you to leave. All right, why don't you stay

and give us a female name? Oh. Rhonda. Oh, you guys don't know, but I cut out 48 minutes of silence. All right, Rhonda writes, it's funny, help me, Rhondaonda but now she's asking us for help i don't know those songs okay uh how old are you man i'm 73 recently at the college i attend

there's been a group of people although it could just be one person who consistently posts mean things about me on yik yak which which is an anonymous app, kind of like Twitter. What they've been saying about me has been really getting to me because I really do try to be the nicest person that I can be to all people. My friends say it's just because they're jealous or don't know the real me, but I can't help but think and feel upset about what they're saying. I know you guys have experience with people who post mean things about you online. I really hope you get the chance to answer my questions. Love the podcast. Love, Rhonda.

Rhonda. This is extra apropos because you guys also do shit for the internet. Yeah. Shit that's probably seen by more people than we have uh than our audience because source fit is huge uh do you guys remember some specifically nasty comments made about you i don't really like i know i have some people that keep up with them i don't really keep up with any but like when someone's write something mean about me i don't really care it's like haha you thought about me i think it's funny that's good i think it's really

funny it doesn't affect me yeah whenever i see something mean i'm just like oh you're a jackass yeah that's it it's it's just text like who cares did you always have thick skin or did you have to develop it when you were making stuff for the internet uh i had to develop it i've been hurt once or twice but that was when i was growing up i'd be like i i don't honestly i don't think uh i mean no one could talk better shit about myself than me because i know the real me. Yeah. I know the shit that hurts.

Yes. You know what I've noticed is that the shit that hurts the most is when you agree with the people. Like, when you make something that you think is bad, and they're like, I didn't like it for this, this, and this. And you're like, shit, other people agree with me. This wasn't good. Ultimately, it comes down to what you think about yourself. If I make, like. It's something like you're insecure

about and they like and hook yeah but i think i respond more when the negativity is like well worded i like respect good writing so if i read something on twitter and somebody called me an idiot i'm like whatever if i see a comment on instagram and somebody's mean i'm like oh fuck off but then if like there's a a well-worded uh reddit reddit comment like oh fuck this guy he makes a good point he's smart a criticism yeah not just an insult but a criticism that's been like well crafted but that's the kind of thing that i like lend uh credence to but it doesn't like make me really really pissed it's just the kind of thing like i think about, okay,

how do I respond to this? How do I take this in and process it and either reject it or accept it? And how do you, does it still somewhat bother you when they are, you know, like the comment on Reddit you said, I think that comments on Reddit are just like the kind of thing that I, I want to like take the time to think about it.

So like I don't off, I don't always agree with it and be like, Oh fuck, I do suck. Right. But I will say like, why does he think that? And why is it wrong?

And do people agree? Is this a one voice of a million or is it like an entire group of people that are like ganging up? Like, Oh, maybe, maybe I'm wrong. And all these people,

sometimes I will on Reddit, people will hate on our show from, for answering the same questions all the time. Like for answering too many relationship questions. Right. And I'm like, oh, you know, that's a good point. Right. I can't be like, fuck off with that. Right.

I was like, oh. Maybe we should switch it up and answer some stuff about like shitty college roommates. Do you only mostly do relationship stuff that's just the kind of questions that we get the most that's weird that's the kind of stuff we get the most people struggle with the most yeah yeah that's true that's the stuff that's the most confusing part about life is what how other because everyone i can know how to react or i know how to act in certain situations the problem is when there's somebody else involved that's a whole now i situations the problem is when there's somebody else involved

that's a whole now i'm one of two and there's a lot of mystery i don't necessarily want to ask anybody's advice i'm just like i'll figure this out myself and as soon as like it's a relationship and there's sex and feelings you feel so helpless oh you're like all right the stakes are too high right now yeah i don't want to mess up your life i've been like thinking about it like love and relationships like what like really like attaches you to someone else it's like you know like for a lot of people it's sex it's because when you really have like when you get down to sexy sex it's like you're being very vulnerable and you're making all these sounds oh oh and then you're like connected yeah but then it's also another way it's just like really just saying

something to someone that's like oh like you told them your inner your deepest inner stories and then that type of vulnerability is what connects us and like i don't know i've just been that's been on my mind recently it's weird and gross it's a trust thing it's like for a woman to let in a guy get that literally deep inside of her like you have to like really really really really trust that person because like he can he can hurt you physically and emotionally because he's so close to you physically and emotionally i've had my dick come out of girls throat and i knew like yeah that's deep in right but for a guy it's like i put it back i'll put my dick in i'll put my dick in a sock it doesn't matter for me but like for a girl it's like she's letting someone in suddenly

it's like more private it takes more trust but also i want to say as a man it's hard for me to put myself into someone like i think you're a unique man because oh very unique like i think i would say that the majority of guys definitely more guys i fucking i'm in trouble for generalizing but i think more guys are willing to put their dicks places then i mean raise your hand if you would put your dick anywhere two and no we don't have to say who did it but there are there are hand was down there are guys are like i'll sleep with anybody and then there are guys like i can't sleep with anybody i have to know the person like can you imagine going out with a girl who you thought was really attractive and she wanted to sleep with you on the first date and you'd be like no i can't have sex

with you yeah that's can you imagine that that's too much pressure you would do that right you would you would draw the line and say i don't want to i don't want to take the things further unless she was really hot right this is badass there's like most of them i'm like oh this might be going too fast she's mostly like i'm like i can't be going full vulnerable on you tonight right but like if she was like you know like i don't i'm not vulnerable during sex you're not what are you doing you want to be my new sex coach please that's a vulnerable thing for me there i can there's definitely ways that i can be vulnerable but it's not through sex it's the poetry book on the bed even like there's like

i think that i whatever it is it's this very hard shell to crack and when i am vulnerable then it's like and then it is game over. So like even the first time, let's say that you've never had sex with this girl and you're in your room, it's getting hot and heavy. You're not even nervous? No, I'm so excited. Oh, shit. That's the best feeling in the world.

So you like shacking up, huh? Yeah. Well, Jake doesn't sleep with girls that he likes. He sleeps with girls that he kind of dislikes. That's not fair. I sleep with everybody. And how I feel about the second fair. I sleep with everybody. And how I feel about his second date.

I might want to give that a chance. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Especially at age fucking 22? When I'm like 25, I'll try that out. I'm gonna fuck all y'all. Yeah, you are gonna do that. You're definitely gonna do that. Oh, really? Cool. That'll be fun.

I can predict your future. And it is bright. I'm predict your future. Ah, sweet. And it is bright. I'm gonna be laying down the peen, you know what I'm saying? Right in the sun. Well, not if you say that out loud again, but definitely.

No, right? That's your dirty talk. Can I tell you one of my favorite Jake and Amir videos? Actually, I don't even think it was Jake and Amir. I think it was Hartley Working. When you did that bit

when you were like, suck his dick, suck his dick. Oh, yeah, yeah. That shit goes to my mind. That's an old school how they were like, wait a minute, isolate Jake's audio Oh, yeah, yeah. That shit goes to my mind. That's an old school. Wait a minute. Isolate Jake's audio. Was it the isolate Jake's audio?

Yeah. Command T or something. Yeah, suck his dick. Get on this thing. Oh, shit. We should watch that video after we're done recording. We really should. Wait, did we answer this person's question?

Yeah. Is this the dorm room? Oh, how do I get over? Oh, fuck us. No, no, no. This is how do I get over. Yik Yak. How do I not feel upset? What the fuck is Yik Yak? You, how do I get over? Oh, fuck us. No, no, no. This is how do I get over. Yik Yak. How do I not feel upset?

What the fuck is Yik Yak? You knew what Yik Yak was? I don't know what Yik Yak is. Yik Yak is literally an app you go on there and type anything in, and anybody in the surrounding area can go in and see that someone said that. So would it only be this room, or all of Los Angeles has a Yik Yak? I think all of whatever sub-part you are in. Wait, so it's like an AOL chat room back in the day?

Like open, but it's... It could be like a Silver Lake. Yeah. It's probably way more of a big deal in like your high school and college. If you're in a college, like you know how if you're in college on Tinder, there's so many options if you're in Yik Yak. Wait, but you don't know who you're talking to? No, it's synonymous. So you said...

If you found shit about yourself on there... You got too much time to be doing that. You had to search for it. I would hate that. What are you talking about? Yeah, you're just... Well, first of all, of all two things one know the source of the person like when i'm reading a youtube comment and i'm i'm like wait a minute that's offensive and i'm like wait what if you're just an 11 year old boy somewhere like most if they walked up to me

and said something to me i'd be like i don't give a shit what you think right but because it's a it's a word it's a name on a screen i'm like oh, oh, what if that's a 48-year-old accountant and I have to take this seriously? See, I know, when people read that, I've known people who get offended off comments and they really think,

like, they're imagining someone in a business suit. Yeah. Like, really, it took the time to put this anime character as his avatar. Think about how many

hateful comments that person wrote that day. None! It's 11 year old boy! It's not like he wrote that one comment and was like, all right,

let's just let this one simmer. Yeah. Like, he like so much hate so much that's how they do look at one comment yeah that's exactly what he wants have any of you guys wrote a mean comment before or even disliked a video i never disliked a video i don't know i don't even i don't even like talking shit about people like the in real life let alone like i've responded to comments and been like, you're... But they were being an asshole to you first?

Yeah, yeah. So have you ever been just an asshole off the bat? No, not off the bat. So like, see, none of us have. You haven't. I know you haven't.

I have never. We're normal people. The people that are talking shit, like they're talking shit because they have nothing better to do. It's like you said to me, fuck them. 11-year-old boys.

That's exactly right. Yeah, it's just like, it's like the equivalent of when I was 12 and I prank called people. It's like, I'm trying to piss you off's like the equivalent of when i was 12 i prank called people it's like i'm trying to piss you off so that i seem cooler than you for a split second right but what they don't realize is the difference is now is that like uh because of open forums like instagram where comments can be left and like uh that it like it's it's it's

really fucking us up us men up all right you're making us look real sexist you 11 year old boys who just learned the c word want to go write it on some bad instagram baddies page and now it looks like it's us businessmen right now it's not the time they're fucking there's it's a time for for respectful men yeah and the little little bitches are really fucking they're really fucking us up there's like a good number of us in conclusion i would say don't sweat the small stuff one person disliking you doesn't mean that there aren't a good number of us in conclusion i would say don't sweat the small stuff one person disliking you doesn't mean that there aren't a thousand people that do like you aren't ranting on yik yak about it i want to tell this person to get off yik yak yik yak i'm gonna sound like

a grandfather but it sounds like the yik and the yak and awful terrible yeah boy it's a it's a sucky oh someone said something about you let meik Yak. Let me see that shit, dude. What did he fucking say? Don't feed into this bullshit. If any time somebody's like, oh, somebody said something about you on Yik Yak, if your response is, oh, I don't have Yik Yak. I don't use Yik Yak. Then eventually they're going to stop talking about you on Yik Yak. Yeah.

They want you reading these comments. Plot twist. It's the friend you've been telling. That's fucking true. Yeah. Oh, if i was writing teen movies we could let's edit this question out another plot twist this girl's writing it about herself the fuck she has one of those diseases oh shit you know the diseases you know schizophrenia schizophrenia uh uh do you want to answer one last question as quickly as possible do you guys have to go no we're staying the night you didn't tell you

it was part of a sleepover guy's name Paul another 48 minutes Darren Paul's last name Richardson Paul Richardson right Has anyone ever actually guessed a person's name

Sometimes it's been close like I remember One time like Jake was like Lacey I'm like her name was Lucy Close enough Hey you can't be like that's close Yeah exactly I have to act cool That's the extent of my acting abilities Yeah

Lucy right It's funny because this guy's name is Richard Paulson, but Paul Richardson writes, hey dudes, I'm a 17 year old from the UK and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about four months now. I really like this girl and we get along great. The problem is in the sex. The sex is amazing, but the problem is she's too loud. Every time we have sex, I'm pretty sure my parents can hear us, and it's kind of embarrassing to me.

My parents are always in the house, so it's not like I can wait until they leave to have sex. How do I tell my girlfriend to be quieter without sounding like a huge asshole? Dude, you gotta stop fucking so good. He's giving that dick good. This is a question. This is a humble brag. This is totally a

humble brag this can't be real so my neighbors know my name and yes please use my real name on the podcast uh is there a way to say hey can you not be so loud without killing the mood has that ever happened to you uh No. Were the girls too loud? You're not that good, huh? No. You're not that confident. You're not that confident. Ask me again.

I don't think I've ever had to say shh during sex to anybody. But have you ever felt it? Yeah, yeah. I felt nervous before. Like, eh, maybe we should be quits. Yeah, there's a lot of people. I just match energy. So if somebody is like, if I'm fucking somebody and they're like being really loud, I just sort of like, I get quieter.

Oh, really? Well, that's not matching energy. You guys live together. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I hope that they match it. I trust that people match energy too. Have you guys ever hurt each other?

I used to hear Darren's shit all the time. Really? I don't think Darren fucked good anymore. Wait, like jerking off or like actually sex sex? No, no, no, no, like fucking women. I used to hear. Well, our the time really i don't think they're fuck good anymore like jerking off or like no no no like fucking women i used to our rooms are on the opposite side now oh yeah that's true because back in our the first place we had like it was a shitty shitty shitty place but i liked it but like we had we had like a heater vent that was like really old-fashioned so it was linked throughout the whole building and i remember it really it echoed darren would fuck this girl and it would be in my room i had to turn my anime out so high yeah i was like yeah i'm fucking too i remember i remember i was like

i was like i was like i'm gonna jerk off now but i was like i don't want to jerk off to this woman sounds because i'm not jerking off to her before her yeah how embarrassing would that be jerking off and you finish before your roommate they're so loud they hear you there was was one time where me and Jeff Rosenberg were having sex in the same house and I could hear him fucking and I was fucking and then I... You synced up. Well, I finished and then I was just lying there with somebody and then like just, and we were just like, you know, chilling and then we just heard Jeff keep going.

It was so embarrassing. I was just like, aw. Could you actually hear another 10 minutes and i'm like okay uh anyway what do you wanna do you wanna that actually would be really embarrassing yeah it was it felt a little shameful you lost the contest it's like i went for another have you ever heard me fuck i heard you fuck once really yeah that's awesome what was the line please i mean i heard you're once. Really? Yeah. That's awesome. What was it like? Dude, what was that like? Please, Amir. I heard Amir more than the girl.

I'm sure. Actually, there wasn't even a girl there. I'm a big fan. Please show me your orgasm sounds. I don't make sounds. What about O-Face? You got an O-Face? I made a sound?

I was like, oh. Oh, wow. No, no. It was like, ooh. Ooh. Yeah, it's going to ring a bell. Do your O-Face. That ring your oh that's it that's it that's it oh oh dear god that's not even that loud you must have been really close you had a glass pressed against my ear you were fucking me

dude i wired your room we have fun holy fuck yeah uh the real i mean the real answer is to put your hand over her mouth if you but like it's in a hot way in a sexy way super sexy i understand there's a lot of people who are listening who are like what well no there's a sexy way to do it turns into i'm smothering. How do you know the difference? You've got to be very sensitive when you're doing that. You have to start a little. So many people have probably killed people doing that. I'm not going to get involved with that game.

You could accidentally kill somebody. You're not like something. You're shushing. It's like a sexy shush. Here's how I have big hands. Have you ever choked anybody during sex? No. I've done it too. I have big hands. Have you ever choked anybody during sex? No. Yes. And I've done it too.

And I've done it without having to have like the conversation of like, hey, is it okay if I do this? Oh, you just did it. Well, I didn't like just go right for it. You tread lightly and then you try to find the line. And you sort of test the waters. And then they put your hand up around the throat. And it's the hottest thing of all time. And then you just

go as light as possible and they just keep on saying more it's like when the boom mic is in like am i out out out okay that's enough yeah you don't ever want to have them say too much yeah you just go go go until they until they aren't saying well not until they're saying anything i wish you could have sex with words i'd be way better at that like all this physical body shit uh-uh it's tough it's tough to sync those two things up you can fuck a book oh yeah you can kerosene keeler's good poems have you ever sucked a dictionary that's why you'll be remembered to me like that uh so uh is there a way to yeah ask her to sound're not saying. Do you do it in the moment or do you do it after the fact, before the fact?

Wait, what was the question? Afterwards. How do you ask her to be quiet? Oh, same as the last one, just fucking say it. Just be true.

Just say, hey, my parents are in another room, I ain't trying to get caught. Later I'd be like, hey, you know, when we're fucking,

like, you really like it, huh? Maybe like, try to like it a little less. I would be like, my, hey,

my mom heard us last time we had sex oh that's good which is also a kind of fun little sex challenge like how quiet you can be during sex there's definitely some hot quiet sex that can happen is that a porn too yeah hold the moan hold the moan have you ever had a parent or anybody a friend walk in on you um not walking in the same yeah i've had sex in the same room as parents and uh as parents as parents wrong with you yeah i have not my parents somebody else's parents what wait were they is this like a cabin what is this yeah it was like a situation like a hotel room situation okay oh my

god i don't need that animal fucking mission impossible level risk it really was i was parents in the room what's the dad like is he scary looking uh it was her parents yeah that's insane you're going to jail you're going to hell we'll talk after the podcast it was yeah we're talking mission impossible it was very very if my baby girl got fucked in the same room as me, you have to go kill yourself. Did you say my baby girl? Yeah, my baby girl. Is that my daughter in there? Oh, shit.

It was just pointing at Jake's dick. They were just awake. They were cooking in the kitchen. Yeah. No, you were fucking awful. Please tell me you were like a teenager. Yeah, I was very young. You did it though, man.

I lived a full life. Sorry, she was a teenager. This was last week. For more Darren and Will, how do people find your podcast? On Spreaker or iTunes. Type in She Didn't Text Back. That's right. You're also on HeadGum every week, every Monday.

Is there anywhere else that you guys would like to be found by our fans? Come see my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash peoplebealike. I make several videos a week and William Haynes TV. I make other things. There you have it. And I make rap music. You can go to youtube.com slash DarrenVonGertner. You just came out with a new song.

I did. It's called Past Due. Talented dudes. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Multi-faceted. Multi-hyphenate. What if we do our boy a solid and the outro song, which we usually do, unique to every

episode, is your song? Really? Even though it's like fucking three minutes long? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't matter. People just listen to it right now. They're on their computer. Will you allow us to play it on our podcast and ask the outro? I give you every right.

You own it now the opening theme song was written by one clip left uh the closing one will be by darren von girdner cool man um red guys thank you so much for coming on our

show thank you for having me which we're also probably mentioned that today's episode of your podcast jake and i are on yes so if you listen to this one first uh you can continue the party

we're also on she didn't text back today as well uh and if you listen to their episode sorry this is as much we can talk to a camera all four uh and a microphone book a ticket to austin we'll all be there right yeah yeah austin south by southwest tickets still available hopefully to uh at ifireashow.com guys thank you so much for coming by this was rad fun hell Hell yeah, dude. And thanks for listening. We'll be back either Thursday, Monday? We'll be back soon. Bye, guys. Yeah.

DVD Part 3. Stay working. Stay working. Yeah, word up. I'm big picture like a drive-in Nighttime is where the thrive in Sun's out, don't drive in it My new sounds, they ride with it

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I'm bout that in your clothes off You know me My tour's done and you come through You owe me Hit me up on my cell phone, just show me What you workin' with, 995 I swear to God that I love this shit I love this shit I love this shit I love this shit

I love this shit I love this shit I can feel the movement growing, I'm about that Once the wave hits, I will ride and never fall back Yeah, I'm thirsty, I can never drown In a decade, I'll be around and you can count on that I'm about that and your clothes off, you know me My tour's done and you come through, you owe me

Hit me up on my cellphone, just show me What you workin' with, 995 I swear to God that I love this shit Thank you. That was a HeadGum Podcast.