Segments - 204: Sexy Gift

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

In this episode we discuss protein bars, full disclosure, and dating apps. This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. If I want you If I want you Oh, this is what I do If I want you, show at gmail.com Send in your questions and missing out on Trey C.B. Trey C.B., I love it. His name is Trey. His first name is Trey.

Obviously they can hear you. I don't know. You waited until the song was over to eat that. Keep on the D dude the dl all i heard was crinkling and then you make it fly under the radar no you're not you're wrong yeah you put the equivalent of like seven sticks of gum in your mouth and now you can barely talk how is it under the radar people don't know what's going on if you don't if you don't mention it they won't know that i was eating all right uh sure uh so this is come on man obviously the crinkling is loud no more chewing i'll take really little bites just trying to get this protein in here yeah

it's a protein bar it looks really dense it is very dense to get this protein in here. Yeah. It's a protein bar. It looks really dense. It is very dense, to be honest. That looks like a rectangular prism of dense cookie dough. Well, it is a cookie dough protein bar. Is it? Yeah. How is that good for you? I don't know.

It's probably not. Honestly, at this point, I'm eating them because they're delicious. Fuck, it is a cookie. Why is that? What does it say, sugar-wise, protein-wise? Why is that good for you? If you don't mind the crinkling, I can tell you. Sure.

It's so crinkly. Nine grams of fat. Okay. That's not great, but not terrible. Really, you've got a lot of fiber, 14 grams of fiber. Yeah. That's really nice. Okay.

Let's not forget the... All I know is sugar and fat. I don't know what fiber does. I don't know what protein is. I've been hearing more and more recently that you want to have a lot of fiber and like protein is like what brainwashed us when we were like you gotta be healthy get your protein get your protein but they're saying it's actually fiber well that's yeah it's always something different but they're saying like what you really should always be asking is did you get your fiber

did you get your fiber today but it's got 21 grams of protein 14 grams of fiber and less than one gram of sugar how is that but is it sweet it looks like cookie dough yeah it is pretty sweet and it tastes like cookie dough and there's chocolate in it um or is it like fake carob chips yeah that's what it is it's carob chips yeah i think it's carob chips do they taste like chocolate uh yeah it really does yeah do you want a tiny little bite from this corner? Sure. Very tiny bite. Please, this is the only thing I've eaten all day.

All right, why don't I just not have it? You sure? Actually, there's another bar in there if you want one. No, I guess I'll have a bite of yours. Here. It looks so chewy. It looks like gum. And it's almost orange. It looks like gum. And it's almost orange.

It tastes like gum. Yeah, it really does taste like gum. But getting there, if somebody's listening to this podcast for the first time, it's the worst one ever. All right. Well, no, now I'm eating. Yeah. This is really a podcast only our fans will appreciate. No. Nah up until this point if this was your first time listening to a podcast they were like somebody's like this is a really funny show we haven't been funny yet yeah this is somebody's first episode too that's cool

thanks man thanks for sticking through uh tracy b uh Trey is his first name, then C, and then B. Wrote it in October of 2013. Oh, yeah. He did the old search. Found it recently, and he said, I actually have a new two-piece band called the Knife Fighters. I'll have to track down a new one for you guys and see how it goes. I kind of like these two-year-old emails because I can check back in with these people.

Yeah. It's a nice little blast from the past. What have you guys been up to? It's a window into our old days. Did you like the protein bar? It was okay. Cool. I appreciate that.

It kind of tastes like everything was a little weird. It's kind of like nonfat frozen yogurt where instead of sweet, it's a little bit sour. I think I'm over the hump where I like the taste of it now. The first time I had it, I was like, oh, this is a little strange. But kind of like when I moved over from Coca-Cola to Diet Coke. Really? Yeah.

At first, you didn't like Diet Coke? Yeah. Well, now I don't like either. But yeah. I used to have Coca-Cola for two or three meals a day. Really? Yeah. I don't remember that.

You? I think it was back, I guess I was maybe on the Coca-Cola tip at the beginning of college humor. Two cans a day? I would have Coca-Cola for breakfast. What? Coca-Cola with dinner. No. Yeah, when I was in high school, I had Coca-Cola. For breakfast? For breakfast. That's poison. Yeah, Eggo waffles and Coca-Cola. Just a real all-American. Wash it all down with a glass and a half of Pepsi. And then a French toast crunch. A bowl of French toast crunch with whole milk.

A toaster strudel. I'm on my way to school. Then a hot pocket when I get there. A barbecue beef hot pocket a kid cuisine three lunchables a smucker's original fruit paste fruit by the yard

a fig newton alright what is this this is a advice podcast it may not seem like it but it is it's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir and internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Ginger Dale. And I'm Amir. So how does it work? People will email us. They're seeking our advice for whatever reason. They email if I were your show at gmail.com. We read a few emails. We try to advise them out of their sticky situations. We post the episode

online and you download it either directly uh through spreaker or a third-party app like the itunes purple podcast how do you download tweet at us hashtag how do you download it's pretty interesting like every i was just thinking about how every podcast can basically do there's no standard like in tv commercials that have to be 30 seconds long and they occur back to back for three minutes, spacing out like a three-act structure. Podcast, I own this thing. I can do whatever the hell I want. Yeah, we could just make this a nine-hour podcast if we wanted to.

Right. Or make the ad half an hour long in the beginning. Or do an ad at the end. Or do no ads at all. I decide everything. I guess it's, yeah. Well, the audience also kind of decides because if you started doing like half hour ads up top, then maybe people would

stop listening. Yeah. They vote with their clicks. Yeah. It's kind of like how when Trump is president, sorry, God willing, when Trump is president. Come on, dude. Jesus Christ. President Drumpf. Yeah, that's right. President Drumpf. All right. Let's answer some emails. Oh, we should say that by the time you're listening this week, we're going to be in Austin. Oh, yeah. And we have a new special announcement that we haven't made on the podcast yet. Yes, that we haven't made on the podcast.

That we're doing it alive if i were you on thursday night now yeah with ben schwartz that's what's up man so the friday show sold out we added a thursday show and we added ben to it so that's what gumstock head gomma palooza is all about the festival is now complete you have your your Jimi Hendrix. You have your Doors. You've got them all. You've got Joni Mitchell. You've got Mitchell and Webb. We rounded out the festival.

You gotta buy your tickets for Thursday and Friday. Yeah, Friday early. If you missed out on tickets for Friday late, a recommendation, buy the early show. Don't leave. Yeah, and I think that we might sell out this Thursday show at this point. Yeah, Thursday show is getting close to sold out. Friday doesn't have too many tickets left.

Friday early, I should say, and our show on Friday already sold out. So come on by if you're within, let's say, 1500 miles of Austin. That makes sense to me. Because you do have three days to get there. Alright. This email was written by a guy. Nice.

Let's call him Austin. Or did we do that last episode? I don't know. Let's do it again. Okay. Austin writes, Hey, guys. So I actually meant to ask your advice on a few things last month regarding saying I love you to a significant other,

a significant other's plans to move in, and texting. But before I had the chance, I got dumped on Saturday. Ha ha. Oh, no, not ha ha. So my question now has to do with, while meeting girls out in a party atmosphere, is it a turnoff working in that I just got out of a relationship, or does that actually work in my favor while trying to hook up?

Appreciate the insight. Thanks for the help and comic relief p.s i'm 22 and usually go after college-aged girls as well solid and you really want to work that in how do i shoehorn the fact that i just got dumped into the conversation i definitely want to bring it up last month i was going to ask you about being over the moon in love with somebody, deciding to spend the rest of my life with her, and figuring out how to begin anew. But I got dumped. So I guess my question now is, why go on living? Who the hell cares? And how do I tell everyone i meet that i am emotionally unavailable and destroyed i am stable and good to go haha i got dumped on saturday this email was written on a friday oh dear me six days later i don't know if this guy's ready yeah i think if you're like concerned about how to tell people you just got dumped then just don't because. Because they don't, I don't think

people really like to know that. I can't really imagine a scenario when you're meeting a new person, that that's good information for anybody. Yeah, it just makes people think about things that aren't you. Yeah, it makes people feel a little uncomfortable. It makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes you seem like you might still be hung up on somebody which i guess is kind of likely if you uh if your goal in meeting new people is to make sure they know about your ex i was gonna ask questions regarding saying i love you and moving in together but i got dumped yeah sounds like you needed our advice in the first place. You know what I'm saying? So what was I going to say? Yeah.

Nobody wants to be a rebound. Like you don't say, oh, I'm looking to get over somebody else by hooking up with you. Right. Best case scenario, you just say nothing about it at all. And if it comes up, it means probably that you're not completely over this person. Right. Nobody, when you're meeting them, is like,

when was your last relationship? I'd like to make sure you're available. Also, that's like a red flag when I ask somebody like, oh, how's your new relationship? Good. The girl actually just got out of a three-year-long relationship four days ago. I'd be like, whoa, that's not good. And yeah, also, like if I was talking to a girl and she immediately was like,

I just broke up with my boyfriend. We were going to move in together. I'm single. I'd be like, all right, well, I'm happy for you. But I don't want to be like a rebound or anything. And I don't want to be a therapist. I feel like a lot of people that get out of relationships and just start dating again are very eager to compare dating to being in their last relationship. Oh man, this is, even if it's positive, like, I love it.

You have such a good sense of humor. The last girlfriend I had that I was moving in with and that I loved didn't have as good of a sense of humor as you. It's like, just end the compliment at you have a good sense of humor. I think guys don't necessarily care if there are rebounds, though. Like if an attractive woman wanted to hang out with me and she's like, I'm just looking for a purely sexual rebound. Right.

Well, that would be great. But sometimes people aren't looking for purely sexual rebounds like that. Sometimes when they get out of relationships just they're not ready in other ways yeah but if a guy said that to a girl it just it seems like yeah that's definitely less exciting like hey i just got out of a relationship so i'm only looking to have fun uh so uh is it a turnoff working that in that you just got out of a relationship? Yeah, I guess so. I guess it is a turnoff.

Especially if you really have to work it in. Like, find a way to sneak it in there. Yeah. Like, you mind if I mention, I got a pretty cool piece of news. I was dumped recently. There's no good, cool, seamless way to talk about an ex because it's either negative and like you seem like you're still bitter and harbor ill will and resentment, or it's positive, which is even worse because it's like,

oh, you still like the person. Right. Any emotional attachment is not good, whether it's positive or negative. You got to just say like, we had a lot of fun. We wanted different things. I wish her the best. Yeah. You know, like we'll be lot of fun uh we wanted different things i wish her the best yeah yeah you know like we'll be friends someday i dumped her i can't be clear enough on that well yeah that's the thing that you i feel like if you're unequivocal like i dumped her that doesn't

actually necessarily it just it probably feels good for you to believe that but for somebody that's hearing it i don't know if they care if you dump someone or got dumped i wonder what's more preferable probably that they dumped the other person yeah i'd rather be talking to someone that dumped somebody else yeah because then they're over it right right right so if someone just got dumped it's definitely like oh i feel like i need to cheer this person up yeah they just walked into like a bar sorry uh not a bar like a drinking establishment they just basically got blindsided by like a pipe they just walked into a wall yeah i got you a wall being the name of a bar very cool bar actually the wall the wall yeah yeah we should open a bar called the wall just called anything i just want to open a bar

with you dude how would it be different than every other man we could make our own cocktail man dude let's do fucking have a appletini yeah dude we'll do like moscow mules but we'll do it like our own way dude we'll make it different man like i've ever seen like a red appletini dude it'll taste like a jolly rancher surge hey oh dude dude man we'll do like craft beers and shit yeah Let's come up with like puns for like the fucking drinks, man. Instead of like a Moscow Mule, let's call it like a St. Petersburg Donkey, dude. I think that's really fucking cute, man. I actually like that too. I can design the menu, man.

I can fucking use felt, dude. We'll just like call it two nouns, dude. Like brick and mortar, dude. Yeah, I really like that. That's like a cool name for a bar, man. Why don't we call it two nouns dude like brick and mortar dude yeah i really like that cool name for uh for a barman why don't we call it ampersand surge oh that's nice too you like that ampersand for the name of a cool restaurant it's on the east side of town always into ampersand it's on the east side do they sell coffee or do they do like fixed gear bicycles yeah they do both so they'll

yeah so you're on a bike and then you eat it and it's made out of coffee you have to sit in the stationary bike to grind your own beans yeah that really grinds my beans you're tickling me quit it i didn't like the joke uh all right another question uh this one's from a lady and it's from a british lady oh well let's call her broom hilda why broom hilda that's just what i imagine everybody what about like city names of cities that we have shows in? Oh. Austin and Boston. What do you think? All right.

I guess it has nothing to do with being a British woman. Everyone go to headgum.com. No, wait. Ifireyoushow.com. Ifireyoushow.com and buy tickets to our Boston show. Thanks, folks. Is that your Dave Rosenberg impression? Yeah.

Howdy, folks. It's your Dave Rosenberg impression? Yeah. Howdy, folks. It's Dave Howdy Rosenberg. It's like a belly button. But off. Oh, God. I love that boy. I'm having some trouble what to get my boyfriend for his birthday. And by get, I mean give.

Ooh. We've been together for three and a half years, and I wanted to give him something sexual, which isn't anal. Okay. Do you guys have any fantasies, which pretty much all guys would like? My boyfriend is more like Amir than Jake, although he's starting to relax, and the kinkiness is getting more intense now. And both opinions would be great. So she, yeah, love Boston. So she's saying that you're more kinky than me.

That, I would believe that. Yeah, so this guy's... Or at least I like buttholes more than you do. So what's a non-anal type of gift a girl can give a guy? Hmm. It's interesting because I don't know that there is really a universal, like... Thing. Fetish.

So it's kind of, it would be a little dangerous for me to give like my fantasy yeah she does that with her boyfriend and he very well might not think it's hot at all yeah like what if this guy doesn't like when a girl fills her mouth up with like turkey chili and sucks on my balls that's your fantasy isn't it what you love fucking chili you love chili balls all you care about is hot liquid hot boiling hot chili spum i think your fantasy is like it's like it's like a blumpkin except instead of uh taking a shit you're eating soup while you get blown i'm sitting on a fucking matzo ball the size of a an exercise yoga ball you're in a soup yeah i'm i'm bulia bays i'm a carrot i'm a noodle in a broth and to get out somebody's blowing me somebody's blowing me out of the soup yeah dude yeah so she does that yeah perfect that's great um what could you get what could you give what could you

be and who could you are that would make you a happy man i keep going back to threesome just because i still have yet to have one that's interesting it's kind of complicated because who is the girl to be part of this gift? Yeah. Almost a prostitute. I would be very afraid if I was to have a threesome with a significant other, though. Right. That does not... I fear that one.

I fear that that day. I do. I fear it. I'm scared of it. to each his or her own so that is your fantasy to say what about just somebody else and the girlfriend's not even a part of it amazing imagine that this is what i got you and it's a fucking dime yeah that'd be cool and it's like oh wow is it we're gonna have a threesome yeah she's like i don't want anything to do with this or if she was like oh you know it'd be a really cool gift this would never happen but the girl she's like uh for your birthday i got you a threesome and he's like oh

my god i know what you're amazing yeah and then she opens the door and in walks two dudes. Two goats. Two dudes that proceed to beat and rape the living shit out of this guy. Just splitting him apart like a fucking wishbone. Oh, yeah. Arm limb from limb. You are going there. Come everywhere. It is hot, hot, boiling you will make donald again it's two dudes uh yeah so your suggestion is threesome i would do like a watch because three

and a half years come on what kind of sex are we still having here uh like like uh like she get like he gets to watch her no she just should get on like a night like a watch or a sweater and a hat oh you ever go to like uncrate.com yeah or something and you sort of see like the the garb i was gonna get you a threesome but jake said it was weird so i got you a hat a field watch yeah like a sweater and a beanie or something for mr porter i got you this really cool hat i think that's fun and then you could like sort of uh let him tease your butthole with his finger and see if he's into it i feel like uh there you mean tease like make fun of yeah just like like look at that stupid little butthole you know more than anybody what his fantasy is who me i know more yeah you know this guy

because i am this guy and i think that she like there's got to be something that he's been hinting at for a long time uh yeah i guess i mean like my fantasy can't be the same as whatever this dude's is but i guess she doesn't know so you're saying don't go sexual, my back. What about like a... No, I mean, I think they should have sex because it's like, you know, a nice... What about like the lingerie for her type thing? Like a sexy striptease of sorts. Yeah, I guess like when you've been with somebody that long, you've seen them naked so much. Yeah, the striptease isn't as exciting.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. This really makes me sad for the future. Like, yeah, when I find my soulmate, I'll be so bored of seeing her naked that i won't give up that i'd rather have a watch yeah i would so can i just can you just tell me the time instead of the person you love more than anything in the world dancing naked in front of you or or a hat or a leatherman a multi-tool i think a multi-tool is the perfect gift 17 tools in one it's 79 bucks you could buy it at home depot yeah or a 25 itunes gift card and then if you let him fuck you with it it's pretty actually it's a little sexual i bet all right so i guess the advice is get him something non-sexual or ask him.

Maybe ask him. Maybe he knows and he can say. Although he'd probably be too shy to say. Yeah, that's true. Maybe that's what you do. You do like a get out of jail free card. Like you can write down your fantasy on this piece of paper. Like people make a million dollar job offers and stuff.

Oh, slide it across the table write a sex act and i will i'm not going to guarantee it yeah but i will take it under consideration yeah that's what it is i will not get disgusted yeah until the day after your birthday and then all vets are off just like we have so much courage to say that he wants to do like a role reversal thing. And she's just like, I can never be with you. Oh, you fucking, you set me up. Damn it. Give me a fucking watch.

All right. That's our advice. What can we say? Let's take a break. Thank another sponsor. And we'll be right back. Yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show

hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes yes easy to create easy to sell easy to. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Oh, VisionLifters? Yeah, VisionLifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we are back. Welcome back, everybody. What are you going to do in Austin? I am going to... Let's say we land, okay? We land in Austin. Yeah. You check your phone. Oh, great.

Here comes a series of emails. Maybe you didn't have Wi-Fi on the flight. Okay. Then, all right, emails are done. I'll deal with this later. Yeah, I probably archive a bunch. I forward a couple. I can try to delegate a little bit.

Whatever. It's fine. These can wait until the next weekend. And then straight to Instagram. Oh, my God. You thumb through some photos. Because we're still sort of waiting for the, like, we're taxing. Yeah, exactly.

And, like, you're a window seat, so you can't really stand up. No, well, I already chose my seat on my aisle. But, like, we're, you know. There's no need to stand up before everyone else can't get off the plane. Right, exactly. We're waiting. We're like, hey, guys, what's the big hurry here? You hear that?

Maybe I even say something like, wow, hurry up and wait, I guess. I was going to say that, yeah. And then some guy says, what'd you say? And I'm like, I was cracking wise. I was saying, hurry up and wait. Like, you talking to me, sir? And then I'm like, what do you mean? I was talking to everybody.

He takes out a revolver and he presses it up against the side of your ribcage. Oh, come on, sir, please. What are you doing here? You shot me in the head, dude. What are you doing?'re crazy man my brain is on the fucking tray you fucking shot me in the temple dude what the fuck call 9-1-1 call 9-1-1 is what i'm screaming and shit And then I probably get sewed up at the emergency room. Straight to Twitter. At mentions first.

That way you can see if anyone's tweeting that they're coming to the show. I'm saying probably snapping. I'm snapping the whole time. You got to snap. Snapchat is a very heavy program. Have you noticed that? It slows down my shit. It's like downloading long videos every time I open it.

Oh, yeah. Big time. I'm going to put a little something on Snapchat right now. But it's like downloading long videos every time i open it oh yeah big time i'm gonna put a little something on snapchat right now but it's it's worth it guys you gotta follow us on snapchat jake is jake demand 85 i'm amir bloom that's b-l-o-o-m and we do we do pictures we do videos of each other it's it's we do a little bit of everything and not only that but when we're traveling it's a it's a recording a podcast live yes dude yes dude ruining the show man ruining the show for some and gaining snapchat listeners for all very funny yeah you think so well i don't know honestly i really it's it's the wild west out there you can do whatever you want that's the joy of it uh and if you're not going to be in texas we're also performing in boston dc brooklyn and new haven in april yeah uh and we we really should say once again that the show on Thursday,

which there are still tickets for, is going to be pretty awesome. It's not just us with Ben, but also Josh Rubin is performing, and this is why your single is performing. Kevin T. Porter is hosting. It's going to be a party. It's going to be the first HeadGum Live Palooza

stock festival in the history of time. Open bar, by the way, for the performers. Yeah. So Josh, if you're listening meet me in the back i'll get you a whiskey they give us drink tickets these ads are becoming more and more niche yeah we're just trying to get josh to come yeah josh when are you getting to the venue dude but dude south by it South by. It's going to be fun. Yeah, it's going to be very fun. Anything else going on in your life? I got a tetanus shot yesterday.

I also got a shot yesterday in my old foot. Except mine is making me feel worse. And mine is making me feel better. And what is a cortisone shot? Is it just numbing? I sort of asked that. And I was unsure. I thought that the cortisone shot just made it not really hurt so it was like so i'm still walking around and on in on an injured

foot but i don't really feel it yeah but he was saying it's like really anti-inflammatory so it's like um all these like things that are sort of like inflamed in the in my foot this shot is like shrinking them. Oh, interesting. You should give it to Drumpf because he makes a lot of inflammatory remarks. Let's not turn this into a political podcast. You know I'm a cruise man.

All right, I'm sorry. I'm just going to abolish the IRS. How's that for doing shit? I love the idea of just promising things that the majority of people say that can't happen it's crazy that like they might as well say let's give everyone twenty thousand dollars that's what well i mean i don't want to get too political but that's like i mean that's what uh trump and cruz say it's like we're gonna deport all 11 million illegal immigrants like okay

and like people sure are uh you know yeah hell yeah get them all out of here but nobody's saying like well you know how would you would you do that you're gonna drive around in a van in the middle of the night and grab people from their homes that's right back at it again with the white van damn donald that's like what did the dnc tweet at marco rubio damn rubio back at it again with the anti-immigration policies uh in in 20 years when damn daniel is president of america we're gonna look back at this moment and be like this is the beginning of a big cultural shift i'll remember that fondly damn daniel i'll always remember my first damn daniel bitmoji i really will that was your first bitmoji exactly and it really meant a

lot i'm really happy you got bitmoji oh shit you know it's another thing people can text me now oh and also yeah follow us on bitmoji guys you can't uh but i there's an app that gives me a phone number that people can text me. And people have been texting me and I've been responding. Yeah. It's pretty fun. Maybe we can do an If I Were You episode where people ask me questions. Oh, that's a good idea.

I also have that app. So you and I have the same number, but you can't tell when I respond so far. So I haven't responded yet and you're just doing it. But I'm going to sign it j and i'll sign it a that's kind of good i'm trying to get them to like make a little badge for me though yeah that's not gonna happen uh they said there was like six people using the app so if you want to text me or jake and or jake uh that number is 1310-231-4. I'll just read a few text messages right now. It doesn't give me their phone number.

It just gives me their area code. New York City writes, What happened with the Jake and Amir TV show? That's a sad one. We already talked about that. I have to tell them that True TV passed. Christ almighty. Just send them the podcast episode titled Silver Lining.

Oh, that's good. Let's see if there's another question. Yes, dude. What are you up to, man? Says somebody in Houston, Texas. Tell him to come to our Austin show. I should. How far away is Houston from Austin?

I think it's two hours. That number again is 310-231-6784. You think you can memorize that? 310-627-327-84. No. 310-231-6784. 310-6217. No. 310-231-6784. 231? So say the whole phone number. 310-231-6784.

That's right. And if you want an easy way to remember it, it could be a jingle. Call 310-231-6784. 84. Yeah, that's fun. All right. Let's answer another question or two. 84. 84. Yeah, that's fun. All right. Let's answer another question or two. Fine. This one's from another lady.

Hey, ladies. Let's call her Pistol Wavin' New Haven, the 203Z New Haven coming at you. Southern Connecticut. Can you remember the phone number? 310-231-6784. Nice. Thanks, dude. You don't even know my phone number.

Well, now you can just text me on the app. Yeah. Hey, guys. I am a 22-year-old black woman. I've been trying to online date recently, Tinder, OKCupid, et cetera, and I think I'm doing it wrong, or men are doing it wrong.

I've unfortunately run into a big problem. it's very hard for me to meet anyone who is not offensive i have been offended by almost every guy i've spoken to either they really want to fuck a black girl or i have nice lips or they really like black girls or they have to comment on how chocolate i am. It's all so annoying. It's not only white guys, but it's mostly white guys. Literally one guy said, are you black? Because you stole my heart. Jesus. I love people of all races and colors, honestly. I just want to meet someone who likes me for me,

and my skin color can come second. Should I give up on online dating? Is there an app with less offensive men? Any advice on this would be so appreciated. This is probably too serious of a question for you guys, but if you read it aloud, maybe it will be a little PSA for all the white boys that listen to you

and might say something offensive one day. I would have slept with so many more men if only they could stop telling me how sexy I am just because i'm black that is a good psa so psa right off the bat for white boys there are black ladies out there who would sleep with you if you stopped saying that you're only that they're only attractive because they're black yeah uh speaking as somebody who is really attracted to black people you just don't like the trick is to not say anything. And that's not just with, like, you know, liking black people. That's with pretty much liking anybody. Try not to announce why, like, that's the equivalent of me saying to a girl, oh, I like you because you have big boobs and a pretty face and your ass is large.

Right. You keep that reasoning to yourself people will just know you like them if you're nice to them and you don't have to tell them why and you definitely shouldn't be like i like you only because of the color of your skin is that still racist because racism is i dislike you because of the color of your skin uh i guess it's racially charged it's racially offensive uh although some of these uh comments were legit just racist that's true uh another psa is um being a nice normal person puts you automatically in like the top two percent of society you can see how many terrible humans there are so if you're listening to the show and you're a terrible human uh try not to be i think that'll really, really, really help. Being normal is so amazingly...

It's a turn on. Yeah. There aren't a lot of normal people. It's a crazy shortcut when it comes to online dating. Like most people suck. And if you're just nice and normal, like you're already ahead of the competition. So you don't even have to be good. You just have to not be bad.

Yeah. Also, there's going to be a free plug again for Bumble because this girl should get on Bumble. Yeah, Bumble. The people seem a little bit more, hopefully, less offensive. And she will be able to decide who she gets to choose the first message. Also, I've noticed with dating apps that a lot of people aren't good and aren't a good fit, but there are still good people. And every time that I've met someone on a dating app, I seem like a breath of fresh air. So if you are a good person on a dating app, stick with it because there are other good people on dating apps.

And once you find each other, it feels like the journey will have been worth it. Yeah. Agreed. Any other questions? What did she say? Should I give up on online dating? No. Is there an app with less offensive men? Bumble. Maybe Bumble.

We hope. We can't quite speak for the entire male dating pool of Bumble. That would be a good, you know, we were talking about maybe doing a dating app. Yeah. I've been trying to pitch you on this for a minute. It's a dating app, but for not offensive people. Yeah. Yeah, I've been trying to pitch you on this for a minute. It's a dating app, but for not offensive people. Yeah, you have to take a quiz to get onto it? Yeah, that's right.

So it'll give you offensive comments and be like, what do you guys think about this? Do you think this is okay or funny or bad? And if you say bad, then it lets you in. Yeah, I guess there's probably a mini test that you could devise to like find if somebody's a decent person or not yeah or you just invite 10 decent people and you say you can only invite decent people is there an invite only dating app i don't know if there's an invite only dating app that's pretty cool invite but i would want something that our fans

could use right away right i might i had another idea for a dating app. I think it was my idea. Now I can't even remember. Whatever. It's yours now. You're saying it into a microphone. Yeah. I'm trying to...

There is a big old... Whatever. If I'm wrong and somebody calls me on it, I'll... May lightning strike me. All right. So it's a dating app. You call it Wingman. I like it.

And it's like, I have a girlfriend, but you are single, and I want to be on Tinder, so I just swipe for you. And who is it photos of? I think it would be photos of you. Right, because who cares what the wingman looks like, right? Right. So that's where it's sort of a little confusing. Because you still want it to be photos of you. You mean you still want it to be photos of you. Yeah, I want to match with the people.

And I want the micro... I want to be hot and then also help other people fuck. You want the micro flirtation. But yeah, I think there's something to like... Because every person in a relationship who finds out their friend is on one of these dating apps, what do they want to do? Immediately they want to swipe and they want to see the people. Right. So it would allow you to swipe for me.

Yeah. If you're in a relationship. If we match, I'm like, I get to talk about you to somebody. They're like, well, tell me about Amir. I'm like, oh, he's like sexy. He's cute. It's almost like a matchmaker. Yeah. And then I, you know, throw it off to you.

Oh, what if it's, so it's two-sided too. So you're not matching with girls, you're matching with girls' friends as well. Oh, so it's like you and I create a joint profile. No, I think you create a profile for me. And then let's say I am trying to find a hot girl named Lucy. And then I wouldn't find Lucy, but you would find Lucy's friend, Lacey. So it's friends setting friends up. You got to go back on Twinnovation and pitch these guys.

Instead of trendsetter, it's friendsetter. Oh, I like that. Friendsetters. I'm in as a customer, investor, and both. And friendsetter. Yeah. Like a matchmaker. Yeah yeah that feels like it works i love it uh another dating app idea it's dating app but only for people that have cash

so let's say i'll put up my school my city bank i'll put in my routing number my account number and every time i use it it takes 200 500 800 whatever you really i think there's something to it like if you just if it was a dating app that cost a thousand dollars yeah so everybody on there is just a could afford it yeah it's called fucking boss and then and there's no radius because like you you match with somebody in london yeah like hey what do we do like you're not gonna fly to see me private yeah like you paid a thousand dollars for this app dude thousand dollar dating app very cool and we wouldn't even have to get a lot of people to use it we would honestly because

it would be a thousand dollar monthly fee or a thousand dollar one-time fee um i guess i i would imagine a one-time fee so one--time fee for $1,000. We get 1,000 people to use it. Suddenly, we're making $1 million. Yeah, we make $1 million on this app. We get a million people to use it. Boom, we're billionaires. We get a billion people to use it.

Don't even. I'm serious. We have more money in our pockets than any. We have to split a little bit with iTunes, I'm sure, because it's like an app on the iOS store. They're always taking a little bit off the top but they only take 300 billion the other 700 billion is ours to split that's nice that's a nice chunk of change suddenly we can join the app suddenly i'm i'm starting an app where it costs a million dollars dude i'm i'm trying to see this far into the future i'm getting really excited i'm getting really

really fucking jacked up i'm planning out like a fucking fleet of yachts what are you talking about like this is gonna be amazing what are you gonna get with that 700 billion dollars after taxes it's down to 350 300 billion dollars oh i didn't realize that no because if you make that much money you can find the tax loopholes in cruises america it's a 10 flat tax so that 700 bill becomes you know you could write your taxes on a postcard to uh to sorry what do i address it to the irs because that shit's abolished dude that shit's abolished so what do you do um i don't know who you pay the taxes to if there's no tax if the tax place gets abolished. What about restaurants that take Venmo?

Completely separate idea, but it feels like we're done trying to split up checks and cash. I agree. And I actually, there was, when I was on vacation this summer. Very nice. Where did you go? St. Croix, Greek Islands? I was in Nantucket. My family's summers

off Cape Cod, off the vineyard. Are you on the north side or south side of the island? We're dead center, right near town. We have to, me and my family

have a mixer there every August. You have to be invited. Oh my God, I would love that. We're right next to the hill figures. The Boston Pops,

the Philharmonic. It is. It is so nice. Itoston the boston pops that is so nice just yeah on the beach that is really cool how's aj your little cousin with the with the stump leg with the disfigurement that i'm afraid to say because i might offend people this is what i'm talking about We can't be afraid to joke. Yeah, you're right. That's why I'm saying, who's going to build the wall? Yeah. AJ's going to build the wall. What were you saying about a restaurant on vacation? Oh, so I wanted a popsicle on the beach.

And I didn't have any. I wanted a lolly. I didn't have any cash for the pop. Baby didn't get his candy. And I asked the guy if he had Venmo, and he didn't. And I was like, you should have Venmo. I'll Venmo you $10 for Popsicle. Yeah. I just felt like it was crazy.

Like food trucks and stuff, they should all just have Venmo. All right. A lot of ideas coming out at the end here. Don't be offensive. Dating app that costs $1,000 to join. Popsicle maker that takes Venmo. It's all coming out. The floodgates are open.

Unfortunately, we're out of time. Yeah. We had a lot of fun, didn't we? I think so. The opening theme song was written by Trey C.B. This last one, it says Zen Chen. Zen Hen Chen? Zen Chen?

I should look it up. Zen Chen. let me talk about our shows one last time while i look it up you guys we have a ton of exciting shows coming up we're gonna be in texas in austin at south by not just podcasting but full-on raging this is gum stock. This is head gum-a-polizzo. Yeah, Zen Chen. Ben Schwartz will be there. Zen Chen will be there. There are tickets still available for our newly announced Thursday show with special guest Ben Schwartz, Josh Rubin. And this is why you're single, along with Kevin T. Porter. Then we've got our sold-out show, along with Twinnovation, which we do believe you can sneak into if you buy tickets for the earlier Friday show, which you should see anyway,

because it's Black Men Can't Jump. It's John Gabrus, and it is She Didn't Text Back. You heard those boys. You heard all those guys on our podcast before. All friends, all family, Head Gumapalooza, Gumstockstock and then don't you even worry about our east coast one we going dc we going bk we going up the bean town and then we're going to pistol waving new haven the 203z hitting up toad's place ribbit ribbit bitch our plane crashes into austin there's a nosedive nary a single survivor definitely not the two podcasters can't even

recover the black box this is just charred not even dental records they are gone baby oh he's back dude yes dude protein bar, a callback. Tracy B. Zen Chen, thanks for listening, everybody. We might be back on a Thursday this week. On a Thursday. With some exciting news. So fingers crossed, and we'll see you soon. Bye. Love will be easy Without you I see the cheese

Without you The truth never will be