Segments - 206: Chex (Live in Austin w/ Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Yes dude! Comedian and Friend Ben Schwartz joins us on stage to discuss honesty, self-esteem, and average penis size. This episode is brought to you by BlueApron, Headspace, and Squarespace. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And let's give it up for Jake and Amir! All right, keep it going for Kevin Porter. Get up for Josh Rubin and his crazy-ass NASA guest. This is why you're single. And shit, Austin, Texas, finally. We're back. Thank you guys so much for coming to Head Gumapalooza, Gumstock, whatever the fuck we're calling it.

There's a pretty picture of us. Yeah. I remember when I was that young and animated. Very clean shaven, would you say? I was at the time. You had red hair for some reason. The same color as my shirt. I've got a red beard. You had a red beard. That's kind of where it comes from. You had a... I am

Ginger Dale. That is correct, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, wow. This is so exciting. How are you guys doing? Look at the banner, the head gun banner. That's pretty neat. Everyone Instagram it and hashtag it. Do you guys want to know my,

this is why you're a single fortune? I'm okay. So, throwing it back, this isn't a home run at an away game. Keep the cookie. Fuck the Red Sox. What? Nothing.

It was actually about you. Pretty offensive. I'd like to hear it. It was oddly very specific, actually. What'd it say? I can take it. I'm a man. Well, that's the thing.

What? Let's hear it. It called into question your sexuality. Bullshit. Your gender. Bullshit. Yeah. I'll take my dick out right now.

Do it. Do it. Do it. This is a Republican debate now. This is what? A Republican debate. Y'all know Trump's got a hog, right? Ooh, baby.

He has a very thick, short penis. I'm almost certain. What if he had a huge dick? I would honestly maybe then vote for him. Really? Because then I would be like, well, he's not all bluster. Yeah. Why don't we make the wall this big?

Oh, my God, Mr. Trump, you're coming! Huge! That was my Hillary impression, so you shouldn't be interested. Very poor. Okay, you guys, do you know what we do? We have a podcast. And do we have a podcast and we actually have a podcast network so what you've seen so far

have actually been podcasts I don't want to freak anybody out but it wasn't entirely a comedy show it was a podcast show it was much nerdier than you were led to believe

you're all losers now for having listened to it you guys have iTunes accounts for that you guys have not You guys have iTunes accounts for that. You guys have not only rated, but you've subscribed. That's right. Subscribed. So, what else?

It's weird to leave a four-star review of five. Some people have left us a four-star review. Do you think they just think that's the max? I do think now is just not the time to hash this out. I mean, like, what? You love the show, but you're not ready to commit to the five star

as if you're paying per star? Yeah. I mean, it's very good. That's what you're calling the podcast. It's very good. It's a four out of five star. So you'd rather have a one star than a four star? I'd rather have nothing. I'd rather have no

show. Then that's exactly what you deserve. Friend. It is a podcast show. It's an advice show. Oftentimes, Jake and I are alone in our apartment, cold, naked, afraid more than anything else. Every time we're naked, we are also

afraid. Hard to our clothes go? Hard to be naked and confident. We're curious as to why we were naked. But sometimes, sometimes it's not just us. Oh no! Sometimes we have

a friend. A friend! A friend in need. A friend indeed. And, a friend in need, a friend indeed. And if you'll have us, please welcome to the stage our friend, Ben Schwartz. Yes, dude! Yes, dude! How is everybody tonight? Holy shit, man. Who got the bigger applause, dude?

Everybody wants to know. It was not a competition. It was Kevin Porter, dude. Huge, dude. From the get-go, better than all of us will ever be. Come back out here and rap, Kevin.

We miss you, Kevin. If you're listening at home, Kevin was the MC of the show. He's doing a great, great job. We're going to sit down in a second. As soon as we make it a normal enough transition, we're just going to sit down. Now might be the time

to make it a very normal transition. Here I go. Not me, guys. I'm going to stand up for this whole thing. Chair breaks? Holy shit, you guys. We've never, ever done a full live show with a guest before. It's very exciting for us.

And honestly, more so for Ben than for me. Yeah, this is a huge moment for me. This is big for Ben. Huge moment. Ben's actually probably feeling a little nervous on stage. Let's make him feel extra comfortable. Give it up for Ben. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I was told I could do my one-person show, so I'm going to let it rip. Yeah, dude. What's it like growing up as a Jew in the Bronx? I don't know. What was it like for Dory to find Nemo? Never saw the movie.

Is that what it was about? I don't know if she found it. I'm going to do the whole thing standing up. Alright, do it. Yeah, I love it. Right here, dude. I love it, dude. Yes. Let's start it. This is good for the podcast listeners. They have no idea

what's happening. Yeah, they don't know. Stage presence. I'm standing right in front of both Jake and Amir. For anybody listening at home, Ben is doing the full Goatsy pose right now for the entire audience. I'm wearing that Borat swimsuit also. Yeah.

Really going for it. Would you say a gape is how you would describe his asshole currently? A gape? Large enough to fit a grape? Yep, a gape. Large enough for a grape, but?

Built for a woman. Where's your glass of whiskey, bud? What's that? Your glass is over there. Are we all doing drinks? I think so. If you're drinking, what is that? Arsenic? No, it's vodka from Top Sabat's vodka. I love

it, dude. Just kidding, dude. One person is from Smirnoff. The town or the company? God, the town. Yeah. Where is Smirnoff? How's it been so far?

How's the whole night been? Everybody, on three, shout out the favorite sentence you've had for the whole night. Ready? One, two, three. Half the audience said yes, dude. I love that part. Well, got it.

Cheers, everybody. Thank you for coming to the show. Jake, why don't you explain the rules of the podcast while I pour myself a drink? Of course. You guys, so If I Were You is an advice podcast. And for those of you who don't know, we, I never ever

explain the podcast, and this is very, very nerve-wracking, and we didn't discuss this backstage, but we get emails. I'll take it from here. So this is how the podcast works. Everybody sends in an email of their biggest fantasy. Okay, I'll take it from here. That is not entirely

true. So they need advice. I'll take it from here. That is not entirely true. So they need advice. I'll take it from here. You ever see the movie Up? Podcast is similar to the montage in the movie Up. Nice, dude. I'm going to take it from here. Take it from here, Jakey. You got it.

So they are in a dire consequence. They need our advice. Here we go. You ever see Amistad? Very similar to Amistad, but more Mary Poppins than Amistad. So I'm going to take it from here. It is not necessarily Amistad meets Mary Poppins, though Joseph Sinkway is sort of tangentially related.

I'm going to take it from here. You guys ever seen a C battery? Super similar to a AA meets a C. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take it from here. It's a little less bad. It's a little more 9-volt, but people really, really need advice from us, from us three Jews, and they're going to take it from here. It's a little more 9-volt, but people really, really need advice from us,

from us three Jews. And they're going to... By the way, also buy our album, Us Three Jews. Anytime you guys want to. It's out in vinyl or matzot. If you can find the Apik Komen, you have found our album. Yes, dude.

Joke didn't play so well in Texas, dude. You're all anti-Semitic for that. By the way, this is a terrible way to do it, but raise your hand if you're Jewish. Get him. Get him. A giant guy with a net up there? That's Ben's impression of a post-Trump America.

Oh, my God. What are we going to do? What? We made it political. It's about freaking time. God forbid. What I have in my pocket is a phone

and on this phone are real questions from real people. May I have a Marty? Sure. Marty is from Head Gum. He's walking up the stairs right now.

Give it up for Marty, everybody. Give it up for... Wait, Marty, stop for one second because I want to talk about you. Marty is incredible. He runs Head Gum. He's all that business thing. Marty, is it possible second because I want to talk about you. Marty is incredible. He runs Head Gum. He's all that business thing.

Marty, is it possible to get me a beer real quick? Marty is also our intern. Give it up for Marty the intern. Yes, Marty. Wow, he had it ready. That guy's good. That's very kind. How did he know?

Let's give it up for Marty. His phone number is 917. All right, all right, all right. Holy shit, how do you know it? By heart, too. His phone number is 917. All right. Holy shit. How do you know it? By heart, too. Wow. Oh, my God.

It's like your childhood phone number. The one phone number you do know by heart. That's true, by the way. Do you remember? What's your childhood phone number? Is it still your parents' phone number? No, it's not. It's 818.

Now I feel a little weird because someone will call. Someone else has that number. Because it's 555-FUCKER. So, like So I feel... Not true. Explain how the podcast works, buddy, for real. So these are emails from people seeking our advice, our guidance.

We do our best to impart our wisdom. What do we know? Let's find out. So if you have a name of a fake guy that I can give this... Nice! Nice start. That was Marty who yelled that out. So I make up a name?

Yeah. Quick question before we start, dudes. Sure. What number live performance is this for you guys? I want to say if you had to guess. Wait, live performance or live podcast? Live podcast. 15.

I would guess 18. And no guess. Huh? No guess. This is your first guess. First announced guess. First announced guess. Middle Ditch came out once for our Montreal show.

All right, let's do it. Let's do a question. All right. Here we go. What's the fake name you got? Kooplin! Kooplin, Krandis. These are all... We're going to let Ben come up with the fake name you got? Kooplin! Kooplin, Krandis. These are all...

We're going to let Ben come up with the very first name. No, I actually... By the way, this is too much pressure, and I apologize. My friend Gil is even better at making up names than I am. Holy shit. Gil Ozary is up in the front. I do a show called Hot Sauce with Gil. Gil, can you make up a...

Gil is asleep. Can you make up a fake name? Gil? Why don't you come up with one? Ideen Rogers. Ideen Rogers. For you to say that he comes up with names better than you is very high praise. Yeah. A lot of pressure. But for Gil to come through with Ideen Prodgers really...

It's up to you, man. He's 100% asleep. That was a snore. All right. Ideen Prodgers. Quick question before we start, dude. Oh, come on. I heard there's a virginity story at the halftime break.

At the halftime. That's the halftime. Now, has anybody heard the virginity story before? And you keep coming back for more. All of these people were actually involved. It happened at the last live show. Is that true? No.

Oh. Well, I'm super psyched. Let's get to some questions, guys. Absolutely. Quick question. You've got to just power through. All right. Ideen Rogers writes,

I'm a 20-year-old virgin with a really huge crush on this girl. Mind you, I've done some naughty things with women, but I haven't done the dirty deed yet. Ooh, what does it mean? Let's wait till the end. This girl is my dream girl. She's sexy, smokes pot.

She drinks and makes out with me when we're both super drunk as long as I don't tell anyone. 2016 is fucking weird, guys. That's the perfect girl? I might have even put my... Very low standards, yeah. Yeah.

I might have even put my fingers up her moist crevice. That's okay. You guys can be fine with that. Someone put their hand up like praise Jesus. Just glistening wet, that hand was. The problem is my winky. I'm just too self-conscious about it. I don't want to tell you how big it is,

but since Amir is a math addict, I will throw some numbers into the mix. Take a hundred, divide it by two, then take away forty-four and a half, and there you have it. What is five and a half? Can you push those? Five and a half? Are you really good at math? For real? I'm good at like... Eleven times thirteen. Can anyone verify it's five and a half?

I got something way different in my head. Jake is like, this guy's got the biggest cock I've ever heard of. Holy shit. Holy shit. 49 inches? 49 inches? And he's insecure about it?

He's got to be that secure to call it a winky. Shit, this guy's Trump after all. Stubby fingers. So five and a half inches. I'm not a shower or a grower. I feel like if it was way bigger I'd be way more confident With finally losing my virginity

Have you guys ever felt self-conscious About your manhood Is losing your virginity worth it Thanks for your help Oh and by the way The girl is unhappily engaged to another man What can you say Life is crazy like that Oh, and by the way, the girl is unhappily engaged to another man. What can you say?

Life is crazy like that. Love, Ideen Brogers? Brogers. Ideen Brogers. Let's give it up for Ideen Brogers. Is Ideen Brogers in the audience? Is she for real? Show us your dick. Oh, that would be the best.

Sorry. This guy's penis is so small that he's contemplating never having sex. First, right off the bat, five and a half inches is not well below average. Isn't average five and a half inches? Uh-oh, Amir, something weird's about to happen. Wait a second.

Three and a half is like a huge cock, right? So he's like two inches above a huge cock If you've got all the stats on what's average Then that means you've explained your small penis many times Trust me I know what you guys are thinking It's not a problem I guarantee it I will say

The idea of not having sex ever For that reason Is insane to me Let's have protected sex everybody Let's ever for that reason is insane to me. Let's have protected sex, everybody. Let's also say that it is worth it. It's worth it to have the sex. Yeah. Regardless of the size of your penis.

But not even in a Maxim Magazine woo-woo way. It's like a fun gift. Right. Life is kind of short. And I mean, if you're not fucking, then what are you doing? Oh, Jake is having a tough week. I'm just saying 99% of the times I felt good is when I was coming. Let me hear two of those times.

Give me two specific times. I want to hear the 1%. Wait, the 1% that I wasn't coming? When I was bar mitzvahed, I said the prayer before the Haftorah. And my dad looked at me and he said, you got it, son. I didn't come, but I was close. And that was the one time I felt good when I wasn't coming. Oh, it was exactly 99 to 1.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only come 99 times. You have a certain amount of times you can come, right? Yeah, sort of like you know they say there's like a finite amount of heartbeats in your life. Yeah. What's that movie about the tree with the leaves? I was thinking about that. I think it's called... The Thousand Words or something.

Ooh, I think it's called Flubber. Yes, it was called Flubber. No, no, no. Oh, I got it for real. Eddie Murphy was in it. With the tree. Yeah, the tree, and he had a certain amount of words to say. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it wasn't Flubber. The Mask. It was The Mask. It wasn't. It could have been The Mask. No, because I said Eddie Murphy was in it. And do you remember who was in The Mask? Norbert.

Norbit? Norbit. Norbit. That at least was an Eddie Murphy movie. Wait, there was a movie. It was called A Thousand Words, I think, or like A Hundred Words, something like that. Didn't I? What was it called?

What was it called? A Thousand Words. That was not Doctor Doodle 2. It is, right? It is A Thousand Words, right? Great. Was it A Thousand Words? Yeah.

Did Jay Woods get it right off the bat? Okay, fine. He said it right. What, really? You didn't say anything. I really want to hear the playback on this podcast. It'll take a couple minutes, but we should do it. I'd love to talk to this character for a little bit longer.

Yeah. Okay, great. Where are you from? Cleveland. Oh, Cleveland? Yeah. What's your job? What do you do?

I work for Cleveland. While you're doing this... Jay, give me one second. I'm so sorry, great. Where are you from? Cleveland. Oh, Cleveland? Yeah. What's your job? What do you do? I work for Cleveland. While you're doing this. Jake, give me one second. I'm so sorry, buddy. So you work for the city of Cleveland? No, Grover Cleveland. Oh, you work for the president, Grover Cleveland? He's dead.

Well, maybe his estate? No. There's a guy with a very small penis that needs our advice, and you guys are ignoring him. Okay, so the question. Or a very average penis. I don't want to offend you. He doesn't have a three inch dick. He's got a five and a half inch dick and even if he did have

a three inch dick, he's basically asking is sex worth it? I don't think sex is determined by the length your semen has to flow. If anything, you're concentrating the orgasm within a smaller shaft. Honestly, having a small penis might feel really nice because it's so surrounded.

I think we're getting off topic. Okay, what do you mean this is exactly on topic? Okay. Also, instantly finaled it. Yep. You're right. Sorry. Sure, sure, sure.

I was thinking about Norbert. It makes it last longer, so I'm going to throw it. We have to see a picture of this guy's dick to know what he's working with. Bring it up on the screen. Kevin, pop it on the screen. It's just that Manamana video. First of all, let's also be, this woman has moved on and gotten married and stuff like that. That's probably hard for him, so let's be honest.

Well, she hasn't even moved on. She was moved on before they even started fingering each other or whatever. Crevice, a warm crevice, he said. I mean, just say third base or something. What would your advice be for this gentleman? Sex is worth it. Yeah. Okay.

Even if you have an average penis, I don't know. What does he think? What does he want? He wants only guys with huge dicks to have sex? That's not how it works. Why are you yelling at me? There's a hand raised back there. You wrote this.

Can I pause for a second? Because Dave Rosenberg is clearly raising his hand. Yes, Rose. Wait, this is not. First of all, what is that? You can't raise your hand. Why are you answering? Why are you calling?

This is insane. Honestly, I really want to hear Dave weigh in. You guys, if you don't know, Dave is my good friend from high school. Dave. I know that I don't have a microphone, but I have a very small cock. People might be interested in it. All right.

Dave just said, I don't have a microphone, but I have a very unsmall cock. Is that what you said? If I knew what this podcast was going to be, I absolutely would not have done it. We haven't even gotten started. Rosenberg yelling about his very unsmall cock.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's hear him out. But watch yourself. All right, finish it strong. Finish it strong. All right, so right off the bat, you don't know where the clit is on a vagina. Wait, wait, you should say what he said for the people listening at home.

So for the people listening at home, Dave said... And feel free to make it up. If you're, well, I honestly don't think I could make up something dumber than what he said. Dave said, if you have a smaller cock cock you can hit the clit and the g-spot and from my understanding and you know I don't have a vagina so I might be wrong

but the clit is on the outside of the vagina so he's raising his hand and I'm going to beg you not to call on him you don't have to call on him I'm going to beg you to move on you do not have to call on him. You don't have to call on him. I'm going to beg you to move on. You do not have to call on him, Jake. David, go ahead.

Oh, huge mistake. Fuck, he called on him. Huge mistake. The clit can be hit from behind, said the human cactus. His hands are always raised. Now, this really is like the

Republican debates because I don't think it is I don't have the science at hand first thing he said you know what he did he's such a master debater that he just said something unrelated to what he said so that we wouldn't talk about his original thing like that has nothing to

say with anything the click could be hit from behind. Now we're not talking about the person. I don't know, man. I'm with Dave, because he's sort of anti-establishment. What the fuck is happening? He's raising his hand again.

Tell this gentleman, not Dave, tell the person, what's his name? Irene? What's her name? Ideen? What is it, Gil?

Ideen Rogers. Gil is looking like he's stopping a wedding ceremony with Ideen Rogers. Gilly, think of one more name. Think of the stupidest name you can. Go. Dave Coates. Dave Coates.

Dave Coates. One more. One more for the fans. Gary! I think I'm through the looking. Gary Yeltsin. I think I'm through the looking glass. I get it now. I know what it is.

It's forward name now. One more. One more, baby. Give him one more. Boris Yeltsin. I didn't hear the end. Boris Yeltsin what? I don't hear the last part.

Boris Yeltsin what? I don't hear the last part. Boris Yeltsin hyphen. Yeltsin Mandela. Boris Yeltsin and Nelson Mandela had a son. And name the son Boris. We have to stop. Yes. We have to stop calling on people. Oh, my God.

Oh, Dave's got his hand up. No. No, he doesn't I feel bad He didn't He didn't Tell this gentleman That he should have Self esteem in himself

And that And that he should be able To have sex And enjoy his life And that's not something That should get in the way But make sure he has sex With the right people

I agree Yeah that's the caveat That you should stop having sex With someone who's married But oh oh Well he hasn't yet So you're still good And

As you pursue sex Do it with somebody who's married. Oh, well, he hasn't yet. So you're still good. And as you pursue sex, do it with somebody who's not married because then that'll be, you know, more better. More better. I trailed off at the end, but I started real strong on that. What else do you guys want to talk about? Uh, God.

Do you guys have any questions for Jake and Amir? Yeah. Oh, thank you very much. Uh, God. Do you guys have any questions for Jake and Amir? Yeah. Platt, how do you feel about Platt? Oh, thank you very much. We're very, very pro-Platt. I'm happy you guys asked that question. But by the way, only if you can throw a gray undershirt underneath. Oh, blue.

I'm wearing blue. I apologize. Ow. Ow. Any other questions for Jake and Amir? You are so thin. I can feel it. Oh, look at that. Can I suck your dick after the show? Any other questions for Jake in here? Oh, look at that.

Can I suck your dick after the show? This is a big moment where you could turn a bit into a legend. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. This is truly... Do you want to be remembered or do you want to be forgotten? For that one special kiss I can't believe it's happening to me Some people wait a lifetime for a one special kiss

like this What do you say you suck my dick right now? Oh my God! No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen up, everybody. But Dave's got that untiny cock. No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen up, everybody. But Dave's got that untiny cock. Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's stop for a second.

You said that while standing, and the gentleman got up to do it, and you quickly sat down and changed the subject. Yeah, I didn't actually want to get a blowjob in front of everybody. I would be a little too nervous. So after the show is fine. I am a grower and a shower. So it is.

Don't you worry about that. I guarantee it. Yeah. What he said, it's not it's not a shower or a grower, which means it's small, flaccid and shrinks hard. Always. No, it's just always the same. It's just always the same amount of inches. Always.

Yeah. So it'll just be flaccid or hard, but there's no like there's no blood rushing to it. It is what it is. hard, but there's no blood rushing to it. Honestly, this is a crackpot theory, but what if you just ate more food that improved your blood circulation? Because isn't the penis just all about getting blood to your... This podcast is all over the place.

I'm just saying. I just feel like it's a possibility. Incorrect! Is that the NASA scientist who called me incorrect? Because I'll believe him, but not you I think there's a chance Alright, well, another 16-year-old dude Who should we, what do you think?

Gilad, another 16-year-old gentleman What do you got, name-wise? John Q Is it Q or Q? No, John Q, wasn't that a Denzel Washington movie? John Q John Q John Q, that a Denzel Washington movie? John Q? John Q.

John Q. That was the thing about the transplant, the heart transplant. He didn't see it. Oh, you just made that up randomly? You had no idea it was real? He knows the movie. It was parallel thinking.

Do you want one more shot at it because you by mistake did a movie title? Yeah, he wants another shot. Go. Mom Bob? Bob Bob? Mom Bob or Bob Bob? Don't put your thumb up like you nailed it. No, you just said the name.

You said the same name twice. I'm going to give you one more shot. Galahad, I'm going to give you one more shot. He's sliding down. He looks like the end of Terminator 2. You are sliding down. Thumbs up. You're turning into different people.

He's just ahead. Someone Snapchat that Gil is just ahead. Gil, one more shot. It can't be a movie title and it can't be the same name twice. You got it. Alright, go. No. Oh, that is true. That's not... Ellen DeGeneres

is not a movie title or the same name twice. It did fit the criteria. Alright, what did Ellen DeGeneres have to say? Do you want to read this one, Ben, or should I read it? Read it? Sure. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben.

Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Hey, guys, I'm a 16-year-old guy. Yeah! Jakey. Jakey.

Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake. old guy Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake Ben, Ben, Ben Ben's not ready to give up on you But can I ask for you to do it As if you're delivering like a big Shakespeare monologue

That's a cool idea, sure Alright, go, really attack it I know you're directing a lot now, but really attack it Yeah, more behind the camera, go. Really attack it. I know you're directing a lot now, but really attack it. Yeah, more behind the camera, but I'll try. Hey guys, it's perfect so far. I'm a 16-year-old guy and I jerk off quite a bit. Like a lot. Sometimes multiple times a day. And I've been doing so since I was about 10. A little early. 10? What grade is 10?

Four? Fourth? Fifth? Good God, man. When he was in fourth grade, his penis was the size of the guy in the last question. But here's the thing. I hardly ever use lube,

mainly because I don't have access to it, and I'm too scared to just go out and buy the shit. I know you can use household things as a substitute, but I can never be bothered. So this means... So this means I do it dry with just one hand. Of course. We'll do it dry with just one hand. Of course.

We'll do it dry. We'll do it dry. Remember Phil O'Reilly? Yeah, we'll do it live. Let's get back to James. Okay, and I've been doing it this way. Excuse me. And I've been doing it this way for a long time.

So recently I was home alone, and I thought it would be a good idea to give this whole lube thing a try. So I got some lotion and I did my thing. Cool. I quickly realized that nothing was going on down there. I was hard and all

but I wasn't getting anywhere. I ended up having to just give up and do it dry. Hello Riley. Hello, Riley. Yeah, I got Joe. I was a bit worried, so I did some research, and apparently dry masturbation can cause your dick to become desensitized due to damaging nerves because of being rough with no lube.

Oh, I have a series of questions. We're not done. Related to this? No, I want to see Zootopia. I'm like, is it good? We were thinking about going to like 10 a.m. tomorrow. Who wants to go to Zootopia at 10 a.m. tomorrow? That's a really nice idea. This guy does have a really dry penis, though, and he needs us.

I now enter full... I'll see 10 Cloverfield Lane instead. Who wants to see that instead? Excuse me? I now enter full-on panic mode. Have I permanently fucked my dick up? I'm still a virgin, I know. But when the time comes, I'm quite frightened.

I won't be able to cum. Now, the nerves do repair themselves, so my plan is to try and not wank for as long as possible and see what happens. But I'm only a day into it, and I'm already feeling the urge. I could really do with some help, guys. Did this ever happen to you? Do you guys go dry when you were younger? Do I have anything to worry about since a pussy feels like my hand? Am I underreacting? Am I underreacting? Yes. Thanks for taking the time to read my question. Sorry about the long email. Ha ha. What's his name? What was his name, Gil? Ellen DeGeneres. Let's give it up for Ellen DeGeneres.

I don't think he's overreacting. I think it's over for him. I think he's done. He'll never have sex. No, he's going to be fine. Why do I have to be the only positive person on this fucking team? I honestly am a little bit worried about the nerve damage. I didn't ever do it dry.

Yeah. I think that he thinks that he can't... Well, can I ask this question? Sure. Did you have a question when you asked if you could ask a question? Who's the lead voice of the Fox in Zootopia? I don't know. No, there's an actor that once came up to me and said,

it's so weird to do a jerk-off scene. Who was it? What was the actor? Who was the famous? It was Dev Patel. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Was it Dev?

Was it the Slug Dog Millie? And Jai Ho. I've never met Dev Patel. But I said why and he goes because you have to like show everybody how you jerk off

personally like it's like you're showing the world that is an interesting thing and I was like oh I never thought about that my worry is that this gentleman

who jerks off jerks off very aggressively and weird to the point of damaging his that's the thing because nobody ever

teaches you how to jerk off we're all sort of doing it alone it's very interesting and we actually ever teaches you how to jerk off. We're all sort of doing it alone. It's very interesting. And we actually found out recently that you jerk off... Wait, let's just... Amir jerks off like this. For those of you who can't see because you're at home listening,

Ben is sucking his own dick. It's incredible. It was pretty incredible. Honestly, yeah. I've had this conversation within the last six months. We all three of us jerk off differently. That's not true. I've seen you jerk off.

I jerk off very similar. You put on my glasses. I make sure to... You know when someone does an impression, like when Daniel Day-Lewis does an impression of Abraham Lincoln? Uh-huh, jerking off. I watch you jerk off, and I'm like, oh, I'm going to do it just like Daddy does it.

You call it getting into character. I call it getting into character. I call it getting into character. Yeah. I wonder. I wonder if we three. But I think it's like eating. Can I ask Gil how he jerks off? Yeah, I would love that. Gil, how do you jerk off? I'm very careful.

He said very carefully. Can I very carefully? Take me through step one through three. I'm afraid we can't hear him, but all right. I'll try to repeat it on the microphone. All right, repeat what he says. No, just have him come to this mic. Do you want to come to the mic, Gilad?

Gil! Gil! Gil! Gil! Gil! Gil! Gil! Gil!

Gil! Gil! Gil! God, he's walking so slowly. Gil! Gil! Ladies and gentlemen, straight from Israel, standing three foot five, Bilal Ozeri. What was the question?

How do you, steps one through three, how do you jerk off? Very carefully. Okay, take me through step one. Step one, I don't take a hammer to my cock. Okay. Your cat, they shut off your mic. Step, it's back. Step two,

I wax it up. And step three, I make myself come. Didn't you say there were five steps? What? No, that's three, right? So what are four and five? You made yourself come. What's four and five?

There are five steps? Yes. Four is clean up. Five? I come again. What? No, that's three, right? So what are four and five? You made yourself come. What's four and five? There are five steps? Yes. Four is clean up. Five? I come again. You guys just witnessed the last three seconds of Gil's one-man show called Come Again. He's doing an entire 48-week run here at the North Door.

Tickets are still available. Gilly will be here tomorrow for HeadGum stuff, right? Oh, yeah. Gil's part of Gabrus's... That's a really good segue. I know. I'm trying to help you guys out. You're terrible at segues. Yeah, we're really bad at that. Marty, can I get a backpack to show everybody what the backpack looks like? Yeah, let's get a backpack. Tomorrow, we're having more HeadGum shows

at 3 p.m. Gabrus's High and Mighty with special guest Gil O'Zerry. Black Men Can't Jump also here in the house. She Didn't Text Back will also be here. And then we have a show at 7 p.m. where Twinnovation will be opening up for Jake and I again. Tickets are still available for the 3 p.m. show. If you didn't get tickets for the 7 p show Like we said buy tickets for the 3pm show

And don't leave Look at this backpack We're just starting to sell shit This has turned into an accidental commercial And that was not the intention This backpack is for sale Get the fuck out of here I made a huge mistake

What were we talking about with this guy We were talking about sex. Doing it dry. Oh, he was jerking off and doing it dry. And what percentage of the time would you say you did it dry between the ages of 16 and 18? Well, ask the audience how many people do it dry. Who here does it dry? Yeah, so that's like split.

Sick. You still do it dry? This guy looked at his girlfriend ashamed and was like, is this cool? That's cool, right? Honestly, I would really like to... Can I ask, who does it dry? You do it dry? What's...

Why do you do it dry? Your answer is why not. Because lubrication feels good on your... It's a lot of effort. Yeah, I also do it dry. What? What about... Is there an equivalent for women?

Is there a... Hopefully they're always a little bit moist. Yeah, I guess. You really do it dry? I do it dry. It's just a laziness slash convenience thing. I'm fine getting off without the lubrication. I can't fathom.

Can I ask a question? Because the gentleman in the email said, also, I know people use household items. Yeah, what was that? So how do you MacGyver your way through that?

That's easy. As somebody who took a lot of time and care to jerk off throughout their younger years and also into adulthood, you, I mean, hand lotion, obvious.

You can use sunscreen. You can use sunscreen. You can use conditioner. You don't want to use shampoo because that'll sting just a little bit. But, I mean, if you don't have conditioner in your house, then what are you doing? Weird commercial for conditioner. Really weird commercial for conditioner. That would be kind of cool. It's the weirdest per plus commercial.

It's really nice and soft, and also you could jerk off with it in a pinch. I don't like talking about this stuff with you guys. All right. Why don't we take a break? For those of you listening at home, we'll stick around for these people, but we'll be right back after these.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is

to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS

when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thanks, Kevin.

Thank you, Kevin. Ladies and gentlemen, it's getting late. I fear we have time for one more question. Do we have time for one more answer? Can we get a name? Are you guys okay with one more answer? Do you guys have work in the morning? Is this a lady or a boy?

I can't quite remember. I don't know, but Gil's going to nail it either way. Yeah, dude. Wow, you're always on Snapchat. Yeah, guys, follow me on Snapchat. Oh, Jesus, come on. Guys, follow me on Snapchat. Follow, Jesus, come on. Guys, follow me on Snapchat. Follow me on Snapchat. Buy a backpack.

Guys, I have been documenting me and Gil all over Austin today on Snapchat. I just started. It's Rejected Joke Zero. If you guys are bored and want to watch. Follow me at Dave Rosie. Follow Amir at Donald Trump. Do you think he snaps?

I feel like he snaps That'd be nice It's probably easy with his nimble tiny fingers I'm gonna build a wall This is a 24 year old dude Gilad, a 24 year old dude's name please This guy's name is Marcus Mom This guy's name is Marcus Mom.

This guy's name is what? Marcus Mom. Marcus Mom. Right. I'm a 24-year-old dude who lives with his 23-year-old GF in a house built on a hill. The back deck of our house looks down on the backyards of the houses below us. In December, a couple and their kid moved into one of the homes we look down on. Even though she's a mom, this chick is a smoke show. She's probably mid to late 20s, bleach blonde hair, tight body, nice tits.

I've been coveting her since she moved in. Last weekend, I'm having a bowl of checks on the back deck. It's nice out. Last weekend, I'm having, it sounds like something like Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah. Last weekend, I'm having a bowl of checks on the back yard. This sweet little number, this 26-year-old goo-goo-ga-ga

walks by. And lo and behold, my hot neighbor comes out in nothing but a bikini and lays in the sun. I'm in heaven, right? Checks, hot chick, sunbathing, everything. This is a great writer. Whoever this is is a great writer. I'm interested.

It's J.D. Salinger. Oh, my God. Are you serious, dude? I think it's J.D. Oh, God. It's about five minutes of pretty obvious leering. I even moved a bird feeder to see her better. But no one's around, so who cares?

Well, it turns out someone is around. Suddenly, a guy's voice shouts out, Hey, man, can I help you with something? I'm looking around frantically to see who it is, and the guy shouts, Upstairs window, you need something? It's the lady's husband he's been upstairs watching his wife from their bedroom upstairs i'm totally caught

and i can't think of anything else to shout back now i'm good just eating checks dude he goes right and proceeds to continue staring at. His wife is looking at me with a cross between disgust, fear, and outrage. She also puts a towel on. I pretend to finish the checks for another minute, then quickly go back inside. So awkward, but at least it's over, right? Wrong. My girlfriend teaches kindergarten and told me tonight that she's getting a new kid Monday We don't live in a big town

This has to be their kid At some point They're going to discuss where they live And realize we're neighbors They'll figure out who I am What should I do? I'm not a pervert But I def got caught checking this chick out Should I apologize?

Tell my girlfriend before they can? Would they even say anything? Did I really even do anything bad? Holy shit, you are committing to this, Amir. I know my girlfriend

would be fucking pissed, but come on, right? P.S., has Jake ever watched any Jordan Capri vids? She's pretty much the toast of my porn town. Love, Marcus Mom. Let's pretty much the toast of my porn town. Love, Marcus

Mom. Let's give it up for Marcus Mom. This guy's whole angle of not being a pervert and then he signs it asking if I've ever watched Jordan Capri videos. Have you? Yeah, she is really hot, actually. Sort of an old Lightspeed University thing. Who knows what I'm talking about?

Lightspeed University? Only like four or five people who aren't ashamed, and then like probably 10 to 15 more who are. Wait, take me through what it is? It was an old porn website. Lightspeed? Lightspeed University. That's where you went to school, right?

I fucking wish. Jordan Capri. Wow. Didn't she have that little tight butthole that you had to pierce with a thin white yellow straw? What is going on today? Why do you pick all questions that are weird? And I'm the pervert.

He's talking about piercing someone's asshole with a straw. That was a Capri Sun joke. Oh, I see. Who was already there? Some people were. And sometimes you had to have the lunch aid do it for you. Yeah. I got you.

The lunch aid? That was a homeless vagrant that stole your sandwiches. There's no lunch aid. Did you guys have hot lunch and cold lunch coming up or no? Hot lunch, cold lunch? Is that a thing or that was only a New York thing? Yeah, I was all cold lunch. Cold lunch is bringing your own. Cold lunch is bringing your own lunch.

No, they had them for where I was from in the North Bronx. We had both. Really? What does that mean, hot lunch? It sounds like a boring game show. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to hot lunch, cold lunch. Put both hands into this bowl of macaroni. Yeah, hot lunch. Hot lunch, okay.. Put both hands into this bowl of macaroni. Yeah, hot lunch. Hot lunch, okay. Now put both hands into this peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Cold lunch. Incorrect. I toasted the bread. Oh! Lightning round. Lightning round. Jordan Capri, come down for lightning round university. Put both hands into Jordan Capri, cold lunch or hot lunch.

Would you confess to your girlfriend that you did that? Say it again? No. Would you confess to your girlfriend that you did that? Say it again? Would you confess to your girlfriend that you did that? That what? That someone watched? Would you be like, someone thought I saw that? Or would you not mention anything? This is funny because he literally broke a commandment.

What is it? Thou shalt not cover your neighbor's wife. Oh, I thought you were talking about respecting your mother and father. No. I thought you meant right to bear arms. No, that's an amendment. Sure, I don't know. I'm not one of those. I've only seen Hamilton twice. I don't know exactly what they are.

It actually is. You can regulate that shit. That's the fucking second amendment. Texas, what up? Thank you. What a scary, scary joke to make. Alright, let's just say if I were you, what would you do? You got caught staring at a neighbor's wife.

Their kid probably goes to your girlfriend's kindergarten. There's a lot of probably's here, by the way. Yeah, the chances are very, very low that this comes back to you. But did he do something wrong? He was looking at his neighbor for too long, right? Moving the bird feeder feels a little egregious. Yeah, just look through the feeder. There's a little window in the back if you did something right.

This entire thing felt like a Chex commercial, to be honest with you. Yeah, there's a lot of Chex references. Nah, dude, just eating some Chex. Aren't they tasty, man? Yeah, I like Chex a lot. I'm looking at this girl, but I'm so distracted by the bold

and spicy flavor of Chex. Eating Chex mix with almond milk for cereal? So I thought to myself, why not wait five minutes to savor the last couple of Chex before I leave? Long story short, fucking Chex, baby. Hey, nice cereal, dude. You can fuck my wife. What? Huh?

I figured that would be the jingle. Oh, it wouldn't be like an old-timey comedian out. It wouldn't? Wham, wham, wham, wham, wham. Yeah. That's what I was having at the end of the check set. Who has a bird feeder? Do you guys have a bird feeder?

No. Yeah, this whole thing is very, very suburban. He has a bird feeder in a backyard. A wife and a hot neighbor. Oh, no, he doesn't have a wife, does he? He has a girlfriend. She's 23, he's's 24 the other wife is 20 something with a small child

You get caught do you say anything You just forget this ever happened As long as he wasn't like actively masturbating I feel like he Show us how you masturbate everybody wants to see it Just show us how you masturbate Oh like you're turning two turntables Yeah and a microphone

He's got plausible deniability. What? Plausible deniability. What does that mean? I don't entirely know, but doesn't it sound legal? Yeah, sure, I guess. Sure. Everything sounds legal.

Plausible deniability. Okay. Okay. I plead the fifth, meaning? I plead for your wife to drink a fifth. No, Jake, what is happening? Honestly, I had like two glasses of whiskey and now I will have sex with Dave. Dave.

Probably going to take him from behind as we've learned from the conversation. What would you do? Would you tell your girlfriend you got caught staring? So the situation is I'm living with somebody and I saw somebody. You're staring at a lady's neighbor's wife. Maybe. Yeah, I'm very truthful, though. I tell anybody that I'm dating, I'll tell everything to them.

There's no like white lies? You would tell them like while you were looking at them. You'd be like, hey. I would. I would. I'd be like, oh, God, look at that. Look at that girl. I'm very honest, though.

I'm too honest. Maybe. I don that girl. I'm very honest, though. I'm too honest. Maybe. I don't know. I'm very, very honest because I never want to get in trouble for anything. I'm personally very dishonest. I often lie, cheat, and steal. I know. I heard how you lost your virginity.

Oh, whoa, whoa. That was not this part of the show, dude. Didn't give any details. All I'll tell you is there was a half a pound of Chex Mix involved. Bold and zesty, dude. Bold and zesty are BBQ'd. Yes, dude. What do you think we should do for the big finale?

Jake can freestyle over this beat. All right. Oh, you're sitting on a tack. It's a little fast. You might want to slow it down. You want me to slow it down? Yeah, slow it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he was giggling. It got scary. Lead me in. Give me a minute. That's really good. Are you doing that yourself? He has an iPhone under his hands. Honestly, my freestyle won't be as good as your beat.

I have Reggie Watts in my hand. Incredible. Do you want slower? No, no, no. I want Amir to start, me do the chorus, and then I want you to close it out. And this is about the last question? It doesn't matter what it's about.

It's just about, you know, whatever you feel. How the fuck are you this good at? Yo. Here in Texas, eating Tex-Mex, bowl of Chex-Mis. Can I have it for Christmas? I don't know what you all eat, if it's Jew or Gentile. Don't be mentile, eat what you want. Eat it from a bowl Eat it from a cup

Eat it from your soul Eat it from your heart Eat it from your mind Eat it from in front Eat it from behind Can I fuck your wife, sir? I think she's so hot, sir I want to fuck her right from behind

Even though my dick is kinda small I think I'll hit her clit real tall. Yeah, boy, I got five and a half inches that I'm working with. Can I fuck your chick, Kel? Can I fuck your chick? Ben, yo. Kel, you got one? You want to rap? Guys, that's our time.

Thank you. Thank you so much. We appreciate you so much. Let's give it back to Kevin T. Porter Your host for the most Give it up for if I were you Jake Amir Ben Schrode Ladies and gentlemen, that is the show, but I know what you're thinking.

I want more Jake and Amir in my life. The podcast is over and now I'm empty and alone. And alone is actually a great place to start. Yeah, this is good. If you are in the mood to watch more Jake and Amir stuff, the web series is over, the podcast is over. Well, just this episode. Sure.

But our new web series has arrived-ish, Lonely and Horny. Check out our trailer, vimeo.com slash lonelyandhorny. Great job. Nailed it. I have nothing to add. Really? See you next week. Enter promo code HORNY for 15% off. Oh, that's good too. Still got it. I have nothing to add. Really? See you next week. Enter promo code HORNY for 15% off.

Oh, that's good too. Still got it. Later, guys. Peace. That was a HeadGum Podcast.