Segments - 207: Beehive

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

In this episode we discuss unspectacular vernacular and when to hit on somebody. This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com, MeUndies.com, and 2FFilms.net! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Academy. One mathematical genius, one thinks with his penis they got the qualifications to give opinions to patients despite the changes that they can give and advice for the nation to minimize the relationships in a vice. It's the pinch in the mirror to hear for me to hear for you to listen to if I will. That was by

Kyle and Adam. Yo, my boys. And we often joke about real musicians writing these uh theme songs but that was written by a real musician yeah uh kyle is in bastille so i don't know what else to say about that yeah so so he's in bastille yeah and wrote us, he called us coy in the theme song. Yeah. And then other times he'll be on stage and he'll be like, eh, eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, eh, oh, eh, oh.

Oh, he's the guy that does that? I don't know. I just read online that he plays every instrument. Every instrument? In the band. Bastille? I've never been to one of their live shows. I mean.

On his Wikipedia page. in the band bastille i don't i've never been to one of their live shows i mean on his wikipedia page uh it makes me believe that he's the guy that sings they're a legit they're huge they're i don't they're they've sold five million records in the u.s yeah this is bigger than when your your boy gautier was gautier was on eight episodes in a row. And when Bastille wrote a theme song for us, that was actually true in an actual bigger deal. This wasn't the whole Bastille. I feel like we have, only Kyle's in Bastille, I think.

No, only, oh, Adam is not. Oh, yeah, I think so. So Kyle, who's in Bastille, and Adam, who's not in Bastille. Right. so so kyle who's in bastille and adam who's not in bastille right we should preface every uh artist that helps us out by being like this guy's in bastille or not so like so far nobody has ever been in bastille except for now kyle yeah so kyle is in bastille and i think now is a good time to tell everybody we're going on tour with bastille. Oh, I totally forgot that. We're telling everybody, including Kyle, Bastille. They didn't know.

Because why would two podcasters sort of open up for a famous band? Why do you think we're opening for them? What? You think we open? What are you talking about? I'm a headliner. You want Bastille, who sells out arenas,

to open for us? You you couldn't sell out seattle you couldn't sell out the fucking neptune and you want bastille to open for us we packed the neptune with nine people we sang bastille songs incorrectly. Anyway, thank you. Yeah, dope. Thank you. Thanks to Kyle in Bastille and Adam, who's not, for listening. We're 100% sure that is accurate, right? Yeah, because Bastille, according to Wikipedia, is Dan Smith, Will Farquharson, Chris Woody Wood, and Kyle, Kyle Simmons. Yeah, dope. My man.

So, why don't we just give a really quick shout out to Bastille. Yeah, opening theme song today was written by Bastille. Not by Bastille, but by Kyle from Bastille. Yeah. And they're probably on tour. They'll have a lot of, go to Bastille, Bastille.com to listen to more Bastille. You've already heard Bastille. So much Bastille.

Bastille. Thank you, Bastille, for loaning us Kyle to write. What if he gets in trouble for this? He gets kicked out of the band. Hey, you can't write other songs for podcasts. That whole Koi Ju thing, we were going to put that on our new album. You leaked a song. That was going to be the name of our EP and our LP.

All right. How are you feeling today? Sunday. This is one of those that we record and then put up right away. Sunday, March 20th. I'm a bit. It was a long weekend. We partied a little bit.

We went out. Yeah, we did. And then what does that lead to on saturdays and sundays um i guess pretty much starting on friday i didn't i went to the gym on friday but then for the rest of the weekend i was just sort of like you're living your your cheat life yeah uh today was especially cheatful today was especially egregious on the cheat scale. I was non-honorable today. I was a dishonorable disservice.

I was a cheatsman through and through. I was a cheatsmith. I left. No, I came back from breakfast and you're on the couch eating breakfast tacos that you had postmates, which is when a restaurant doesn't deliver there's a third party that will deliver the food to you yeah so and they do there's a there's a tax there's a nine dollar delivery fee and then you have to tip you're basically paying an uber driver to go to a restaurant and then pick up the food that you still have to pay for yeah i mean like

so those three tacos like yeah unhealthy tacos i got three breakfast tacos yeah with chips and guac and some queso dip queso and uh queso is how cool people call cheese yeah it roughly cost like 26 dollars okay 26 dollars for three tacos and chips. Yeah. Yeah. And then I came back three hours later. Right. And I had just gone to the gym. Or no. Oh, no. I did the opposite.

Yeah. You said you felt bad because you had. I went on a run or something. You said you had Wendy's. Oh, yeah. So I left you eating tacos and I came back and you had already eaten Wendy's. And I actually ate theendy's really fast because i i knew i was going to be embarrassed if you caught me so i ate it as fast as i could i got rid of the

evidence but then i felt so ill and then did you post mates the wendy's as well yeah the wendy's cost me 23 so you didn't want to leave the home i didn't i left the house once this morning to go get starbucks did you get a croissant? Yeah, I did. Yeah, you got your croissant? I think I have had the most unhealthy day of my whole entire life. And then how good did it feel while you were eating it? Honestly, the Wendy's felt bad the entire time.

The only time I felt good was when I ordered it. And I was really looking forward to it. But once it got here, it was disgusting. What did you get? And why Wendy's? Well, because I wanted Chick-fil-A. And I was like really looking forward to it. But once it got here, it was disgusting. What did you get? And why Wendy's? Well, because I wanted Chick-fil-A, but Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays. It's closed on Sundays, yeah. Someone better tell him that God ain't real, man.

It's like ridiculous. It's just ridiculous that they're going to let their margins dip like that. Not even fucking selling anything on Sundays. Are you kidding me what to observe the sabbath uh what a waste last time i checked sabbath was saturday dimwits now give me that grilled cheese please i got a chicken sandwich a junior bacon cheeseburger chicken nuggets oh two french fries two wait why you ordered food for two people you order a chicken sandwich and a cheeseburger yeah and then you also order chicken nuggets and fries and then you also ordered fries

so why didn't you just get one fries because i didn't think there would be enough two large fries well no because it's all off the dollar menu so it's sort of like this oh it's like a little everything's a little tinier you knowier. A little too small for my liking. So you got two small fries instead of a medium or a large. Yeah, I guess. They're also a little bit bigger. They're probably two medium fries. And you got two sandwiches and then you also wanted chicken nuggets in addition to the two different sandwiches.

Yeah. One being a cheeseburger and one being a fried chicken sandwich. Yeah. Then I also needed chicken nuggets. And then, did you consume all of it? I actually couldn't. I was a little too ill. But I did consume most of it.

I think I left like a single chicken nugget and three or four fries. Oh, I would have eaten that. Yeah. I also pulled the bun off the chicken sandwich, so it was sort of like a big chicken nugget you thought it would be unhealthy to eat the bread it just the bread was inhibiting the taste of the sandwich a little bit the chicken i was tasting more bread than chicken chicken and i wanted to i said now you ate that last dude what did you eat for breakfast i had a kale cob green juice really and that was before the spinning. Yeah.

No, I also had a breakfast burrito. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Sundays are cheat days, dude. Yeah, Sundays are cheat days. But I don't think anybody should cheat as hard as I cheated today. Yeah. That's not... You cheated on cheat day, basically.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You cheated too much. I had an affair on cheat day. That being said, it's still 720. You ate Wendy's probably an hour ago right roughly yeah so there's still like a late night cheat in you honestly that's why i that's why i got the wendy's i ordered it maybe around four right like a mid-afternoon snack i was thinking

like if i get the wendy's now then i'll be hungry to order pizza at like nine oh and that's the coup de grace and i i mean if i could i mean that would be such an epic cheat day that would be an amazing cheat day yeah you have to get that out of the way because you're very um you're very strict during the week during the week i think i mean you're like you're you're salad you're smoothie you're nothing yeah yeah during the week i don't fuck around so that's why the cheat day is so important yeah. You have to make it so you're so sad and disgusted with yourself, you don't even want to cheat. Yeah. I have been thinking about this cheat day for a long time, though, too.

Sunday? Yeah. Wasn't yesterday a cheat day, too? Yesterday was sort of a diet cheat day. I got a sandwich instead of a salad. Yeah, yeah. And I ate some chips, which I don't usually do. It was like an on-ramp

to the cheat yeah it was gearing up yeah i was like by the way stomach just so you know like here's a few chips get your shit ready because tomorrow you don't have any fucking clue what's going on we're getting wendy's yay your stomach muscles are just fucking thrilled about it they can't wait so fucking sick right now it's like when you when you dangle a leash in front of a dog and he's just fucking ready to go he's like by the door scratching it yeah that's what happens when you throw chips down your hat i'm like i'm dehydrated i'm so full of salt yeah it is a lot of salt yeah did you have water not enough i saw you drinking a can of canola oil yeah yeah cheat day and just cracking pepper on my tongue one of those mills uh all right what is this this isn't just jake's diet podcast this is although i would love to have a podcast it was all diet yeah that way it'd keep you honest and at the very least cheating

uh it's this is an advice podcast people uh it or not, are in desperate need of our guidance. They are finding themselves in a situation where they need perhaps a third or fourth opinion because they don't know what to do. Maybe they're young and inexperienced. Maybe they're old and naive about a certain subject. Fortunately, we know a lot about everything. So we will comb through these emails and try to find good ones. But then sometimes we figure let's make a game of it oh you want the game boy that's right tonight i want to summon even though he's a little under the weather ill i want to hear from the game boy the game boy has very bad stomach

pain yeah the game boy is lactose intolerant he shouldn't have had cheese and a chicken sandwich uh so what we're gonna do is i have my i have our gmail account open uh and the game is jake will ask me to search a term or a phrase and we'll see if there are emails uh with questions uh one of 15 000 emails we have and to to one, like, if I can give you a word that's only been used in one email. That's the game. That's the game. That's the win. That's the boy. Alright. The Game Boy's

first word. Yeah. Is beehive. Wow. Beehive. Huh! Zero. Zero. Is it zero? Is it one? Is kudu oh my god it's one holy shit the game boy with a bullseye it was written from you you asshole oh this is funny it's not even a question what actually this could be fun to do wait a a minute. Where is Beehive even in this?

Oh, my God. So this is interesting. It doesn't even say Beehive? This is the email. This is written in February 12th of 2015, so 13 months ago. Michael, a professional videographer and editor, said, I wrote some Jake and Amir episodes. I know you're not making them anymore, but give them a read if you like.

And there's two attached PDFs. One of them is Jake and Amir Bananaphone, and one of them is Jake and Amir Crimes. So we could trust Michael enough to read these in character as a Jake and Amir video, one of which contains the word beehive should i do a search and do it or is that not a good idea at all in general we should just find questions no let's let's read them we'll do you think college was gonna sue us i'd like to see the oh mr dealer

uh a helicopter that's not what it looks like uh let's see which oh okay uh we didn't read these this is kind of risky yeah what if they're not good i guess that's interesting nonetheless uh this one is called jake and amir crimes is this one with the word beehive that's it i feel like even if it's not great destiny led us here yeah that's true so this is a jake and amir video wow 48 pages yeah right off the bat um all right should we this is so weird doing a jake and amir video that we didn't even write on the podcast yeah this could be this is a momentous occasion this could either lead to many interesting ones or just none ever again well yeah i feel like if we start doing this very regularly then college humor will tell us to stop all right so this might be the only one we ever do

yeah i mean people out there i love the effort but don't don't start sending us a ton of jake and amir scripts i don't think we can do this on the reg but we'll do it right now the podcast just slowly becomes jake and amir radio. It'd be amazing. All right. Interior. This is exciting, right? Yeah. Some people are excited listening to this. Actually, let's not do it.

Let's not do it. Let's not do it. All right. We're going to Boston. Interior College Humor Office. Jake sits at his desk. Amir approaches and sits down. I have to get into character again. Yeah, wow.

Should I put my old glasses on? Yeah, go to all right i'm here for the script amir approaches and sits down oh shit this is hard to read and like do it usually we would read the scripts beforehand everybody we got this we'll figure it out attention surgeon soda here's a fantastic gift from your friend, your best friend and Coke worker, Amir. Start your day off Sprite with a Coke. Amir extends a Dr. Pepper to Jake who stares back. Starting Fresca, Tabula Rasa. Bark is what dogs do.

Okay, lazy effort with the soda puns. Also, you're holding a Dr. Pepper, not a Coke that you've clearly opened already. You caught me in the act of fizzing up this soda fountain on top of a friendship. The fun don't stop when you're guzzling a pop with your grandpop. Goes in for a fist pump. Do you think I'm your grandpa? Take my drink. Okay, now I'm certain you're time okay now i'm certain you're attempting to drug me amir accidentally bumps a lid of soda and and it

clumsily falls off spilling soda all over his desk he pauses then tries to play it off you see that yeah i'm still here by the way saw you on the news this morning i'm not sure that wisconsin couple appreciated uh you pushing them into a lake i've done a terrible deed they're gonna lock me up with saddam husselini and osama bing llama they might i never got caught neither according to the police report a man wearing a Whole Foods bag on his head pushed a Wisconsin couple into a lake. When they emerged, the man pulled his pants down, brought a match to his rear, and yelled, Hey, Peter, I just pulled down my Katniss Everjeans. Now watch me shine because I'm the girl on fire. The man attempted to fart on an unlit match but failed. Where have all

the cowboys gone? The report continues, when his initial attempt had all but failed, the man yelled, welcome to the 74th annual Hunger Shames. Here's a little gift from district number two. Once again, the man could not produce anything worth note from his rear. You shouldn't be around people. I was a tribute in the thick of battle waiting for a drunkle hay bitch to send me a tinker toy swatting jacker jackers with my gut left and right. How do you swat with your gut? Amir lifts his shirt and reveals dozens of welts and bee stings. Oh. Oh my god.

Yeah. What were you doing? Subduing the hive. One minute I'm licking a corndog like Lincoln Log and next, a frickin' stinger in my hound Zimmer, points to hand. So I'm jacked up on these jacker venom and I make a bee line for the beehive

and give it a tummy Rub and high five And I made sure I hit him where it hurts A beehive can't feel pain I hit him where I hurts My beef tenderloins So I tuck the honey mucking hive In the shirt and it's kicking

And screaming like a babe in the womb And I'm convincing myself If I let it gestate long enough i'd have a nice bowl of honey come tomorrow all right just got off the phone with the hospital an ambulance is on its way what did you do with the hive right here lifts up the beehive swarming bees oh god that was it end scene that was pretty It was not bad. A little all over the place. Yeah. No.

Let me just tear into it. I understand. He captured the voice. Yeah. I like the idea of me pushing a Wisconsin couple into a lake. You think that's a real story that inspired it? Maybe so. The beehive would be hard to shoot, but not undoable.

We could have made it work. Yeah. The noises. Wasn't there one with a swarm of something? There was a snake. Is that what you're thinking of? A snake? I remember the snake episode.

You had a snake in your backpack. Oh, yeah. And it's hissing at me. There was also an episode where you put down a backpack and we hear a cat meow. Yeah. Do you have a cat meow. Yeah. Do you have a cat in there? I let the cat out of the bag. And it's actually a cat?

Yeah, yeah. But we only hear it. We never see it. Yeah. All right. That was a fun little game. The Game Boy. The Game Boy.

He actually won. Oh, wow. This guy, I guess I'll say his full name. He has a cool last name. His last name is Guarantee. That's right. Michael A. Guarantee. That is a cool last name.

Michael A. Guarantee, please. This probably might be a fun time to talk about our new web series. Oh, yeah, because if you miss the old web series, and maybe we just refreshed your memory a little bit, we used to do a web series. I wonder if there's anybody out there that only listens to the podcast, never watched our videos, that absolutely hated that. What was that?

Those advice podcasters did something weird for a second. We have a new web series called Lonely and Horny, and it is out in a month. No, less than a month. Less than a month. Three weeks. But you can buy it now for 15% off if you use the coupon code HORNY. That's right. So you go to vimeo.com slash lonely and horny.

And people have been pre-ordering it for the past week or two weeks at this point uh we're getting so many like tweets and snapchats and facebook messages uh trying to get back to every one of them saying thank you we can't believe how many people have pre-ordered it so far yeah and like jake said uh we will get to you you will want to see it so you might as well well preorder it and get the 15% off. Yeah, you guys, this podcast is going to be just a straight up lonely and horny commercial come April. It's going to be a never ending deluge. It will be unlistenable. We will threaten to ruin everything in the wake.

I do want to at least encourage people to watch the trailer if you haven't. If you're not ready to spend the money, at least just watch the trailer yeah just check that out and if you do buy it uh do send us a snapchat do send us a tweet do send us a facebook message we love reading it all and seeing all the the great support we're overwhelmed by how many people have uh purchased it so far indeed we are in your debt thank you uh the pre-ordering the pre-order costs $14.99 and then with a coupon it's like $2.25 off so it's $12.74 just to be able to watch all 10 episodes when they come out in April yeah very excited very proud of what we were able to do so hopefully as many of you as possible get to see it yeah so we can make that second, dude. And thanks for spreading the word about it too.

A lot of people telling their friends. I had people that I didn't even know about coming up to me being like, oh, I saw the trailer. It was great. That's really awesome. So it was cool. Thanks guys for watching

and thanks guys for pre-ordering. Muchos gracias. And thanks to Michael for writing that script. Not really a question, but... It did have the word beehive. And that was what we were really after. All right, let's try to get a question in before the break. Okay.

Should I search something? Yeah, you got it. Your turn. Do you want me to... No, you just... You can do it. You hold the computer. My stomach hurts too bad.

It's not even like the stomach aches. Your stomach hurts? Too bad. I actually might throw up. Oh, no. Periodic? Periodic. Like the table of elements? Uh-huh. Oh, no. Periodic. Periodic. Like the table of elements.

Uh-huh. Ooh, we got a bunch. Give me a number. One through 20. Eight. All right. This one was written in December of 2015, just right before the holidays this year. Okay.

All right. So, I have this girl I've been messaging i met her on tumblr and i thought she was an absolute babe she messaged me first she opens the dialogue with hey my aunt made plans with my whole family to take us all to vegas and i want you to be my date we are going in 2017 so keep your schedule open i was blown away that this is happening. I immediately messaged back, I'm down as fuck, girl. I gave her my number and we've been texting nonstop for two months. And I legitimately could see myself marrying this girl. We have so much in common and we cannot get enough of each other. Here's the issue. She has a boyfriend, but she has never

told me that she has one. I only know this because I searched her Instagram and Tumblr. And by the way, she posts about them. It's like they were high school sweethearts and can't seem to break it off. They post periodically about each other, but nothing serious ever. Should I try to break them up so I can make the girl and myself happy? I feel like I'm more attractive than him, and I'm a better person than him. Anyway, I'm going to leave you guys with our Tumblr names, and you guys can see what I'm talking about. Please, dear God, remember to give actual advice.

And then he gave him and her his Tumblr names. I really hope you guys know how to search for selfies on people's Tumblr profiles. Just click in the search bar on their profile and type me or hashtag me. Huh? There's this whole Tumblr subculture that we don't really know about. Like people meeting each other on Tumblr and having blogs on Tumblr. Yeah.

We had one of the first Tumblrslers but we never used it as like this is me and this is like a way of putting myself out there right and i guess people do that people meet each other on tumblr and i think it's through like i don't know if it's through groups or through hashtags i don't understand how it works either but i mean like that's isn't that the way it's the internet's always been like first you met people in chat rooms, then you met people on Twitter, now you meet people on Tumblr. Their live journal. Yeah.

I feel like I've made friends from Instagram. Oh, you made friends on Instagram? Yeah, I've definitely met people through Instagram. My college roommate, shout out to Pavla, met friends on a yellow card message board. Wow. Yeah. A message board for the band Yellow Card.

Love that. So I guess anything is possible. Do you want to watch the last six seconds of this basketball game? Yeah, this is pretty exciting. Oh, God. Northern Iowa just launched a three from way beyond half court. Leaving so much. Oh, my God. Iowa just launched a three from way beyond half court, leaving so much. Oh, my God, that would have been amazing.

Northern Iowa is the one that they hit that buzzer beater last time. Yeah, it's from half court. So they had six seconds left. The guy just caught it. I think the same guy shot a half quarter with like five seconds left, leaving so much time that Texas A&M got to get the rebound and shoot their own half quarter.'s the worst play ever and that texas a&m one almost went in wouldn't that have been incredible you miss that's what they miss a buzzer beater by so much time

that you leave the other team enough time to shoot their own buzzer beater man uh anyway um this guy's met a girl on tumblr i don't know did you you really invite him to Vegas or was that like a silly pickup line or something? I can't. Yeah, because she says we're going in 2017. So keep your schedule open. That seems like a joke. Yeah. Okay.

So the problem is just that he likes a girl that has a boyfriend. Yeah. This wouldn't necessarily be a question we would answer if we read it. But now that fate has led us here. Well, we do get a lot of questions like this so let's let's dive in yeah an overarching advice to people who are uh want to break up somebody else yeah it always seems like the girl likes you more than she likes the boyfriend yeah but. But I think that's rarely true. Oftentimes, the girl will like, girls and guys sort of look for micro thrills in the

world of like flirting with other people. Right. And maybe they're not wholly satisfied in their relationship, but they're still probably trying not to marry somebody else. Right. So I wouldn't get too far down this road. And maybe the most attractive thing you can do is just be like, you know what? I'm not going to talk to this girl.

She has a boyfriend. Yeah. I feel like he's in a good position. He's the other guy right now. What is it? He doesn't want to be the guy. Then she's going to be micro cheating on him with other people. Yeah.

You don't need that in your life. You need someone who's not going to micro-cheat. Right. So, his actual advice, you say you're better looking at a better person than this guy. Well, you don't know him. Yeah, you don't know who he is. You don't know, I guess you could tell how attractive he is,

but you don't know how good of a guy he is. Right, right, right. And you've never met this girl. Why don't you, all these people... Yeah, the stakes are pretty low. Like, if you've never even met this girl why don't you all these people are pretty low like you if you've never even met this girl and she has a boyfriend let's just like keep on looking yeah all these people that are heartbroken or broken up or like ruining their life with stress trying to figure out how to date someone that doesn't live near them just find someone near you like it's such a huge headache that you don't live near them, just find someone near you.

Like, it's such a huge headache that you don't have to deal with. Just find someone that lives. Don't actively try to enter a long-distance relationship. Find someone that lives within driving distance, and then you don't have to make a huge stress, have this huge, like, heartache and pain about someone who lives far away and what to do with that situation. Especially if that person also has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Yeah, that's a double. This person is unavailable.

It's like walking into a restaurant and seeing a table occupied and be like, I'll sit there. I want it. And it's like, sorry, that person's one, already here, and two, hasn't even gotten their food yet. Two reasons why you can't sit there but what if you uh one time i went into a restaurant and uh there are the there was this uh two girls sitting hot at a bar yes they were eating sushi at the bar so hot and i was like oh one of them is looks really cute and attractive um but i i didn't want to like bother her i didn't want to like i felt like I couldn't hit on her because she wasn't like, you know, she was having dinner with a friend.

What am I supposed to do? Right. Are there situations where like, I basically had to be like, I can never be with, like, do I just have to give up before it even starts? Like I can't do anything. I can't talk to this person. Is it like ever, is there ever a thing you can do that you can like open a conversation or is there some situations where like, you can't, I'm'm sorry just pretend you didn't see her like it's over i had a friend who uh

picked up his he met his girlfriend while she was at dinner at umami with her parents wow he came up and he said uh he's like i know you're here eating with your parents and i'm really sorry to do this but i'd be kicking myself all night if i didn't just come up and introduce myself to you holy shit wait who did that uh that dude my friend uh boyd holy shit yeah he's like super fucking hot so so it works like you i think there is a way but you have to like actually be able to get that sentence out and you've got to be like fucking hot the only way to be that confident is to be hot yeah like if i if i went up to a girl and i was like hey i know you're eating with your family and i would be uh can we get some water please i don't work here what um is this your dad yeah sorry this is really weird what

do you have your daughter's hand uh sorry we're gonna go eat somewhere else so that man that vagrant so you're saying the choice there's um so you're saying there's always a way there's always a way but i don't want to give creeps a green light to try to hit on girls that don't right well that's i think that's the problem that a lot of guys are worried that they'll come off creepy, and a lot of them do come off creepy. Yeah. Rightfully so, basically. Yeah.

There are some guys that can't do it. Like, you... I think that makes you a pretty, like, decent guy, because you felt more compelled to not bother this person. Right. Than to, like, get your agenda. Right. And then there are some guys who would do it but they'd be real sleazebags and then there are some guys who can walk up and

say the perfect thing yeah boy well that's the thing and i was also thinking like she looks like a cool normal type of girl like the type of girl that wouldn't want to be bothered then it's like oh that means we would get along we are so compatible because i didn't i didn't want to be bothered and i'm the kind of guy that wouldn't bother someone and like and i know that she's done dealing with creeps and i'm not a creep yeah and if i gave her a note that would make me a creep so it was like this weird paradox so i'm like how do i hit on a girl that i know doesn't like to be hit on yeah that's hard so what i did was i bump I waited until she left the restaurant and I bumped into her and I said,

we have to stop running into each other like this. And she maced you. She maced me in my face, all over my face and neck. I guess that's what social media is for. But you didn't even quite get to that. Yeah, I couldn't even get there. I had to stand next to her in a perfect world. Where was this, by the way?

At a sushi bar in the valley when I was eating with my parents like two years ago. Oh. I was like, I have to find myself standing next to her where somebody else would approach me so that I can talk to somebody else. And then like hopefully make her laugh or have the conversation spread like a virus that brought her into it right then i can only crack the crack the ice break the ice crack the this is me talk to her can i crack the ice break the ice what is this sushi can i do you mind if i have the salmon my my index finger resting in her poke bowl oh my god is it usually this hot? What do you like about rice? This is my father, Jerome. He's playing with Bitmoji.

Nobody knows what the fuck's going on. All right, leave people alone. Let's take a break. We'll be back with more Qs and As. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of

football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot.

This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes.

And I do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six apps select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first time pick six players, check this out. New customers

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back all right how many college basketball games would you say you've watched in the last 48 hours i guess roughly every single one maybe 15 16 20 games yeah uh wisconsin just beat xavier at the buzzer they'll advance to play notre dame i didn't

realize you were capable of watching this much basketball and yeah i love merch madness so you just you just get into any team yeah who's your team now that you know besides like yukon and yale because they're your hometown team oh yeah i mean actually i don't i kind of choose like game by game so like player by player uniform uniform color by uniform color, obscure area. Today it seems like every single team that I wanted to win lost. Well, you like the underdogs. Yeah, I guess that's true. I really like walk-up, my boy.

Your walk-up who's on what? Stephen F. Austin or Middle Tennessee? Yeah, Stephen F. Austin. Middle Tennessee got fucking destroyed. By Syracuse, right? Yeah. It's always like the fun, obscure college names that you've never heard of. Those are the teams you want to root for.

Yeah, Giddy Potts is out here. Giddy Potts and Liz Shoshi didn't make it to the Sweet 16. Are we still angling to get Shoshi on the podcast? There's this guy on University of Arkansas, Little Rock. Shout out to whatever their team name is uh they beat they upset a four seed in the first round and then they lost yesterday but their one of their star players name was shoshi last name shoshi first name liss liss and we want nothing more than to befriend Liz Shoshi.

I don't know if anybody out there knows Liz Shoshi. Or if he has Twitter, if we can sort of start like a DM with him. Yeah, I don't know who out there even listens to our podcast in Arkansas, let alone Little Rock, but Liz Shoshi, if you're listening, a Shoshi for your thoughts, please, sir. Theoretically, all these kids are in college. They would have at least heard of college humor, right? Yeah, I wonder. There should be a way to search NCAA athletes by what they're a fan of online.

Yeah, that'd be cool. That way, maybe a Liz Shoshi or a Giddy Potts. Maybe they're Phantom of the Office fans. A fan of ours. So who are you rooting for in this game, Northern Iowa versus Texas A&M? Northern Iowa. Yeah.

You like the small white guys that are just like, looking like the heroes in a Hoosiers type movie. You're right. I only like the white players. The five foot 10 inch white players that'll, I do like JJ white players. The 5'10 white players. I do like J.J. Redick a lot. Actually, now that we're talking about cities, we're going on tour very shortly.

In three weeks, we'll be on our East Coast tour, which starts in Washington, D.C. on April 6th. Then we'll move our way up the coast. How are we doing that on a train? We're going to D.C. Then, yeah, we're taking the Acela. Oh, that's a really nice train. Yeah, very nice. That's a business class train.

You guys, that's a train that we're about to ball out on. That's a bullet train. That's limited stops. Taking that to Brooklyn. We got a show in Brooklyn that is sold the fuck out. Yeah, unless you got tickets for that already, we won't see you there. That show's going to be nuts. Yeah. Unless you got tickets for that already, we won't see you there. That shit's going to be nuts. Yeah.

Then we have a night off. And then actually the next day, Lonely and Horny comes out. Yes. That'll be a fun day in New York. We're going to do a bunch of stuff for that. And then we are heading up to Boston, I believe, on a Nacella.

Oh, really? I think so. So it'll be just me, you, Liz Shoshi, like on this like bullet train. And Gautier. And Gautier going. Yeah. I think you. So it'll be just me, you, Liz Shoshi, like on this like bullet train. And Gautier. And Gautier going. Yeah. I think you can get to New York to Boston

in like two hours, right? Our intern Marty. Oh, yeah. Our little intern boy Marty. Texas A&M just dominating. We have a show in Boston that might be our biggest show ever. Huge venue.

The Wilbur Theater. How many seats is it? It's like 1,100 seats. Oh, man. Well, let's, I don't know if we'll be able to sell that out. Louis C.K. did a special there. That's how many seats is it it's like 1100 seats oh man well let's uh i don't know if we'll be able to sell that out louis ck did a special there that's how big it is uh it's a legit theater so if you're in boston do come by we just need 10 people to come from every from all 100 colleges in boston and that show should be fulled out yeah sold out and then that next day

sunday night is our last show of the tour pistol wave and new haven my hometown show by the way if you are locked out of that brooklyn show new haven is a quick train ride from new york hour and a half i used to do it all the time on now metro north yeah so you could come to that show and this is fun news i think we sort of said it the other day on the live stream, but Alison Williams is going to be doing the Toad's Place New Haven show with us. Holy shit. Yeah. Alison Williams?

Special guest, Alison Williams for her, is it third or fourth podcast appearance? It'll be third or fourth. I can't quite remember. So she's going to be on the show with us. One of our favorite guests. She went to school in New Haven. Yeah. She grew up, I think she grew up in Connecticut too.

So it's sort of her hometown show. Yeah, it's her hometown show. So get the fuck out of her way. I honestly don't even care. I'm just so pumped to be doing a show in the 203s, baby. So come see Jake. Are you Peppys or Sallys, man? What?

I meant to ask. Are you Peppys or Sallys? All my boys from New Haven know what I'm talking about. That's the right answer, man. I don't really like pizza. Oh, God. Do you have like, do they have Greek salad? Probably.

I can get like garlic knots. With no olives or feta? Just lettuce then? So please come on down to see the Alison Williams, Jake Hurwitz hometown show. I'll be there too. That one's going to be a party. That's going to be our big finale. Yeah, the final show.

She's one of our favorite guests and uh a connecticut native uh so you have no reason not to check out our shows uh in new haven or boston or brooklyn or dc those are going to be fun and there's going to be at the beginning of april spring will have sprung leaves will be changing colors really hope so budding on the trees do you have one last uh search term that we can use yes we gotta answer one more question this is getting ridiculous okay the game boy vernacular that's awful one two three four five six it's kind of interesting because every other one has been red so it's like red unread red unread red unread so which one i guess one of the unread ones okay uh one two or three three okay now that i've said three i've unlocked 12 more really let's break

those up into three sets of four remember those uh fortune teller things where it's like, say a color, B-L-U-E, not a number, one, two, three, four. I remember that. And then you unravel it and it says what you are. I did that once. I was often gay. My bully made one. That's actually funny you mention that because let me read this question

from a guy named, I't know give me a canadian man's name uh chuck the canuck oh god there's a frosty coming out of your nose yeah your hair's turning red you started to am Wendy! You're Wendifying yourself. You've been Wendied. You've been Wendied. My issues with my big mouth, writes Chuck. My brother used to have his friend Brad over all the time, but I couldn't stand him. Brad had a high school vernacular where he'd call everything gay, queer, and faggy. So I made a big stink about it to the point where my brother no longer invites

brad to the house well a year later i met a friend don in school i didn't know this before befriending him but don had the same homophobic vernacular as brad don is wondering why i never invited him to my house like i do my other friends the reason is that i'm terrified he will out me as a big hypocrite in front of my brother by calling something gay. I also do not want to have another awkward conversation with Don to tell him not to talk like that. How do I save face while keeping my friend? If it's relevant, I am mostly openly gay. Oh, this is an interesting fact.

This email was written on your birthday really yeah august 5th 1985 yeah it's all typewritten scanned and sent to us amazing it said don't open this until march 21st 2016 it's funny that he just doesn't even want to have another conversation it's just like i just won't invite this guy to the house yeah he's sort of not fixing the problem he's just shoving the problem elsewhere it seems like uh it's pretty important to you that your friends don't have that type of hateful vernacular i used to say those words when i was like in elementary school in high school yeah so did i not high school but uh middle school i think high school is kind of when i stopped so everybody i

guess not everybody but a lot of people do say those types of words uh still it's kind of it is i think so still they still say those words without necessarily knowing how bad and hateful it is right uh and the only way to teach and educate uh people who use words like that is to mention it not just to kick him out of your house dude kick his ass out of the house dude that's oh yeah you're gonna really have to watch lonely and horny so you understand that reference that reference a real deep cut uh yeah he i mean it's it seems like a a worthwhile thing to make sure none of your friends call things gay or queer or that other really hateful word. The F one. I think it's fine if, I mean, at this point, it's probably weirder that you're not inviting your friend over your house. Yeah, he's probably wondering what's what.

Why can't I come over? Just be like, well, you you can just don't talk like that and if you do still talk like that yourself here's a quick psa just don't talk like that uh a lot of people are like i don't mean it like bad but yeah you do kind of mean it in a negative way it's also it also makes you sound kind of dummy so just don't be a dummy don't use those words and it's silly to make an excuse like yeah if you call something gay it's like hey that's a that's like a little bigoted and uh antiquated people don't do that anymore like i don't mean like it's a bad thing i don't mean

like being gay is bad it's just like just stop making excuses and change the word you're on you're on the wrong side of history on that. We've already lost the gay battle. Yeah. But not the gay war. Stand up with me, folks. I don't know which side I'm fighting for anymore. It better be the gay one. Oh, no. Texas A&M wins.

The game is over. And we all win, too. And I guess that ends our podcast as well. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the show. If you have your own questions, your own E your own theme song submissions, whether you're in Bastille or not, that,

uh, email again is if I were you show at gmail.com. Thanks to Kyle and Adam, uh, for, for, uh, sending it that opening theme song.

Very cool. The closing one is written by Cameron Williams. Uh, and again, Vimeo.com slash lonelyandhorny. Do check out the trailer if you haven't yet. If you're on the fence, we'd really appreciate it. I don't know what else to say.

We hope to get as many people as possible watching the show. We are refreshing that counter, pre-order counter, maybe every 180 seconds. So if you want to make us feel good uh let's see that number go up a little more oh and remember also at the after the song you guys we're putting in a little plug for one of our other shows it's a good reminder you you asked me to remind you and i forgot it's okay i'm glad that we're just you know know, it's happening. That's all that really matters. There's a podcast called Overdue, and it's a book review podcast of sorts. And I was a guest on it, so we're going to play a little snippet from their podcast.

And if you guys dig it, which I think you will, because it's kind of a unique podcast. Every week they read books that were sort of like required reading in high school. And a lot of great books on there. And I read Robinson Crusoe. Andrew and Craig are funny dudes. And if you like books, you're going to love this podcast, Overdue, on the HeadGum Network. So after the closing theme song, we're going to play a clip from that. You guys can continue listening to the rest of that episode on HeadGum.com.

All right. We'll be back, I think, monday next week but i don't know we'll see i never know uh thanks for listening everybody peace if i were you the new podcast about every email we send in, but that's fine with me. Now listen to me, email a question that you have for me. Welcome to Overdue. This is a podcast about the books that you've been meaning to read. My name is Craig. And my name is Andrew.

And joining us this week is... Jake. That's my name. That's his name. Jake, who are you? Oh, no. Who are you and why are you here? The worst intro ever. Oh, it's fine.

We'll fix it in post. It's fine. You're just going to make it louder and louder in post. Repeating. What did you know about Robinson Crusoe? This is by Daniel Defoe. It's not Willem Defoe, right? No, Daniel Defoe.

His ancestor. Obviously. Willem Defoe should play Robinson Crusoe. I didn't know too much about it. I knew it was about a guy that was marooned on an island and learned to fend for himself. And I think I remember, I don't know if I, I think I remember like a TV show called Family Crusoe or something like that. And it was about a family that had been marooned on an island. And I remember they made like a sick tree house.

So that's what I thought. I thought that's what I was in store for. That sounds like a mashup with Swiss Family Robinson. Oh, maybe it was Swiss Family. I think it was Swiss Family Robinson. That's what it was. Not Family Caruso. I would watch that, though.

So we were taking a look at the book earlier, just kind of like, I haven't read it, but I was reading where it came from. It's technically one of the first novels. Did you find that, Andrew? One of the first novels in the English language, but it's very old. Do you guys know the full title? Have you heard the full title of the book? Oh, no. Please read it to me.

Wait, I think, okay. The Life and Strange Surprising Adventures of Robinson Crusoe of Torque Mariner, who lived eight and 20 years all alone in an uninhabited if-land. I think that's supposed to be an S, and it's just old. On the coast, on the coast of America, near the mouth of the great river of Orunoke. Sure. Having been calfed on shore by shipwreck, wherein all the men perished but himself. With an account of how he was at last as strangely delivered by pirates. No.

Men. That's the title. That's the title of the book. I think that's part of the whole, like, make it sound like a real thing that happened. That was the whole thing, right? Yeah. There's like, maybe, maybe, just maybe this was a real guy, but probably not. I don't know.

And people thought he was a real guy because it does say written by himself. They thought this was a thing that really probably not i think i don't know and people thought he was a real guy because it does say written by himself they thought this was a thing that really happened so that i i like that about and that's that seems to be in fitting with what the 17th century novels were doing which is like you're moving towards realism we're going to pretend that it's a real guy it's not just this mate it's yeah insane shit was happening all around these guys all the time like even just the little people in robinson crusoe's like there was just a guy that got like killed and eaten on the beach at one point like that's that's realism that's real people's lives that's so any anybody like on a ship at sea in the 1600s like they're what even if they don't get marooned it's worth reading

about that person well that's the equivalent of signing up for spacex right like now who knows where they're gonna send you that's true that's true there might be whales out there you're gonna go up into space and get space scurvy yeah well but even in space they'll have uh they'll have domesticated goats so it'll be fine um i've got a couple fun facts about daniel defoe we don't need to talk a ton about him before we jump into the book but uh did you know that he was born daniel foe and that he added duh to his last name because he thought it sounded fancy and upper class it does it sounds kind of doesn't it sound kind of hood too it's like yo i'm the foe you think you got a foe i am duh foe he's got credit he's got cred on both sides right he can

play he can play at court and he can play in the streets. Yeah. He's a fancy fellow. He was normally in debt and was arrested in 1692 for debts that may have been as high as 17,000 pounds, however many dollars that is in 1690 money. He wrote this thing called The Storm, which is considered a forerunner of early journalism. So there was a great storm that happened in 1703 and it was called the great storm of 1703 good good name good name right checks out he went around and collected like other people's firsthand accounts which was not like a thing that people did when they were reporting stories back then oh okay wow that's so yeah yeah he published a few other novels like a couple other robinson crusoe things a few other novels in like the last 10 years of his life.

And then he died in 1731, quote unquote, probably while in hiding from his creditors. Which is how I want to die, I think. Penniless and afraid. Yeah. That was a HeadGum Podcast.