Segments - 209: Friend Group (w/Lauren Lapkus!)

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

Comedian/Actor/Friend Lauren Lapkus joins us to discuss TV shows, long distance relationships, and Jurassic World. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and TheTracker.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Break up with your long distance girlfriend. So things get real and frankly a little coy. Change your name from Jake to Josh. Because it's time to stop being such a goddamn coy. If I were you. If I were you. You can't get it from Matt Damon So get some advice from these two Jews

If I were you Wow. Poppy, I liked it. That sounded like it should be a clueless. What'd you say? I thought it should be like a clueless theme song. You know, the film with Alicia Silverstone. It was also a TV show.

Yeah, that's true. Not with Alicia Silverstone. Oh, holy shit, who are you? Was I supposed to wait? you know the film with alicia silverstone it was also a tv show yeah that's true not with alicia silverstone oh holy shit who are you was i supposed to wait no no that was great that's perfect lauren lapkus hi um are you also a jew no because the podcast uh the theme song referenced us being jewish so he might have to amend it because the theme song is like filled with inside jokes that it's must be really strange for you to hear. I got all of them. Yeah.

Really? And I fucking need to download that song now. It's my new ringtone. What did it remind you of? It reminded me of a Disney show kind of vibe. Oh, right. Like the opening theme song too. To like iCarly.

Yes. Gotcha. Cool. Like a pie in the face laughter kind of thing. Yeah. Those are good. What would you do

ask Mark Summers What would you do as Nickelodeon? She said Disney. All right. Yeah. Get it right. Or pay the price.

What's that from? Thank you. That's from Salute Your Shorts which is also a Nickelodeon show in addition to what I said which was a Nickelodeon show. Wait. Am I in the wrong now?

It's always two against one when it's a three-person pod, and we have to figure out what's up. I just never want to be on the one side. You already were. Oh, wait, never mind. Forget it. Fuck me. I'm always a loser.

That song was written by Josh Friedman, who signed his name, The Oneeyed kid and he said we briefly met after your last show in boston amir said sweet eye patch highlight of my life i remember that i kissed that guy in the eye on the cheek i think really i remember being really taken aback that you brought up the eye patch so quickly you have to address the elephant on his face and then i did it in a cool way i thought i actually like that you said something about it i bet not enough people do yeah a lot of people are like oh hey dude looking good yeah like yeah or they compliment something else like you have a lovely

smile like they're trying to say like your eyes not good but your teeth are nice but if it was something more subtle i feel like that's the way you should do it is not address it do you feel like if you had an eye patch on that you can tell that people are only looking at your one eye when i'm talking to you kind of like cross-eyed toward the one yeah well isn't that what usually happens with eye contact anyway yeah your eyes are always back and forth when you notice that it's insane yeah it really freaks me out we're doing it now and i'm just like scared skidding back and yeah like i then wonder like how I ever did it before. Like when I'm aware of it, my eyes are like going back and forth. I'm like, I can see their eyes.

And I'm like, why? Why? Like, I feel like I can't talk anymore. What if you guys are shifting at the exact same time? You never see each other's eyes. I will say on Dawson's Creek, Katie Holmes was like the queen of acting with that movement. It shows like a level of intensity and drama. Like, what are you doing, Dawson? Yeah. And then like the little the smirk oh man joey potter yeah good lord guys

were you a joey or uh the other blonde one uh michelle williams but what was her name jen jen i was solid i was a joey you were a joey yeah full-on were you a brad or a the blunt melody in hey dude wow brad for sure really brad is like the beautiful well i always liked brunettes like i thought like they looked cool because i didn't have i my hair was very blonde so you were the brown hair so i was like wow it must be cool like kelly kapowski yeah kelly i liked them both kelly sort of bucked the trend because she was quote unquote the hot one and the brunette that's true where it's usually like the blonde hot one and then like the silly brown haired yeah but zach was really hot and he was blonde yeah i guess you're right although he had frosted tips were they frosted

yeah i mean it was it wasn't real but it wasn't like he didn't have like the pacey now we're going back to dawson's creek remember when pacey frosted his tips of course i remember when pacey frosted his tips uh thanks for I remember when Pacey Frost did his tips. Thanks for coming on the show, Lauren. Thanks for having me. This is an advice podcast, so people will email us. They're just so desperate that they're seeking our guidance. Great.

What do we know? I've been wondering. Let's find out. Not a lot, actually. As it turns out. So we're going to give these real emails from real people fake names you know just to preserve their anonymity uh could you possibly start us off with giving me a wow really stalling on this you're trying to find the question right now

i'm trying to figure out if it's a guy or girl. No, it's a guy's name. A fake guy's name. Paul. That's beautiful. You made that up off the top of your head. At some point, someone didn't make up the name Paul. Yeah. Cool. Paul. It really stuck, too.

Last name? Bildus. Paul Bildus. It's cool if Paul's a contractor. Oh, yeah. Hey, Paul. Hey, Bildus. Paul Bildus. It's cool if Paul's a contractor. Oh, yeah. Hey, Paul. Hey, Bildus. Bildus, yeah.

Anyway. Let me start off by saying I absolutely love my girlfriend. Wow. She's amazing in every way possible. However, recently we had a fight about something, and I just can't seem to let it go. I was joking with her one time and asked her if she was offered $500, would she make out with a random guy while still dating me?

And she said, and I quote, of course I would. It would be dumb not to. Then I continued and asked her, would she sleep with a random person for $500? And she said, it depends on whether she knew him or not. She'd sleep with a stranger, but not a guy she knew. Cool. Whoa. This has gotten to me extremely.

Extremely so. I can't stop thinking that my girlfriend would do anything for money while still with me. Am I being a diva for thinking people should have some moral basis and not sell their bodies for money? Or should I break up with her? Love the show. Todah. Love, Paul Bildes. 21, male.

Okay. Wow. What do you think? What's your gut reaction? First thoughts. The first part of it, I agree. 500 bucks to make out with someone, if he also knew about it,

it'd just be kind of like, it is kind of almost stupid not to. It's just free money for something that doesn't really matter. Like, baby, why don't you do it and we'll go out to a really nice dinner. Like, that's cool. If you use the money for the greater good

of the relationship. Yeah. I don't know, the sex part's weirder because i i mean 500 bucks doesn't seem like enough for that and if like if you're like if you're getting paid to have sex like i need it to be more than 500 and also like it's also like the idea that she only wanted to do it with a stranger made less sense than doing with someone she knew right that was a sort of a turn for me. Yeah. So she's like,

I want to be a prostitute, not someone who fucks friends for money. I don't know. It just seems weird. What's the difference between those two? I don't know. But yeah. Well,

she wouldn't have to see the stranger anymore. It's sort of like a nice way to make a quick buck. Yeah. That's true. I mean, I don't think any of this, I think the, like,

it's not going to happen. So he should just not worry about it yeah yeah he shouldn't break up with her yeah what world does he worry like i've seen some porn that starts off with like a guy giving girl uh money to have sex with them but that's not real life right maybe this guy has like 500 burning a hole in his pocket and he's like tempted to use it in this way uh just just as a weird test so girls are into it yeah it's like the zappos thing you hear zappos offers their employees new employees five thousand dollars to quit and then so it's like oh we only keep the ones that really

want to be around that's why we did a video about that like i i first date i slid slide five hundred dollars to a girl like i'll give you five500 to leave. And she just instantly takes it and walks away. So maybe this guy's doing that. He's like some sort of eccentric billionaire. But he's like, he's basically saying, my girlfriend is one dare away from cheating on him. Not dare, though. Money scheme.

Are you with a lover? I'm not. Okay. Yeah. But imagine last time you were with a lover yeah and somebody offered you whether it be your lover or somebody else stop saying lover well i do think i would it's a it's a sensitive subject to bring up to someone because you're you're daring them to hurt your feelings a little bit. Yeah. It's kind of like just being like, who of our friends

do you wish you could have sex with? You don't want to know the answer to that. You really don't. And you definitely don't want to know the lowest amount they would do it for. Yeah. So you should have just started at a really high number.

Yeah. All right, I understand. $10,000 to fuck someone. Yeah, I was going to say $10,000. Yeah, what's your best price? It's not. $500 is low the makeout thing though that really doesn't seem like a big deal to me that one i feel like he

should not care about making out for you what friends does he have that are like throwing this money around like what scenario exists in his mind that this girl gets approached and i would do it what i would do it i would absolutely do it she's Just to shake shit up a bit like the Joker. Let's see what happens. Maybe she's offended by the premise of the question and she just is kind of fucking with him. Oh, yeah. Maybe she's smarter and better than you. No, that's not possible.

This guy is perfect. I love that he's like, this has gotten to me extremely. He did say he was teasing her. Right. So maybe she's teasing him back. Also, he's 21. I feel like he was teasing her. Right. So maybe she's teasing him back. Also, he's 21. I feel like he's being dramatic.

Like, it feels like, I don't know, maybe if you were, like, married to the person or if it was, like, really seriously, she should be together a long time, that could be more offensive. Yeah. But it sounds like it's not that big of a deal. She's young. She's, like, in college or whatever. Like, yeah, that 500 bucks is free money.

$500 is a lot of money when you're, like, 20. Yeah. Totally yeah 20 yeah totally i remember when i'm so glad we're all older and richer now 500 doesn't faze me honestly i need more to fuck a stranger oh 504 at least i remember when i was in high school i like was joking kind of with my girlfriend about having a threesome and she joked back that if we're gonna do it it would have to be with another guy and i was instantly like oh you're disgusting how dare you like this is something he opened this door yeah he said five hundred dollars to kiss a stranger you better say no i would do it whore you made it by a up It's his hypothetical The second she answered his rhetorical question He got offended

So specifically Am I being a diva For thinking that she should have some moral basis And not sell her body for money It's kind of an overreaction Yeah that's a very loaded question Or should I break up with her two very extreme options that he's giving us yeah i think it's a multiple choice where we don't want

to answer either one yeah he just has to relax a little bit and not take it quite so seriously i don't think she's gonna i bet if like push came to shove she probably wouldn't have sex with someone for 500 dollars it's scary so you gotta you gotta wonder though if somebody did that if you were in a relationship and somebody offered your girlfriend 500 to kiss somebody if i was in a relationship and a girl like way hotter than my girlfriend wanted to kiss me i might do it for free yeah it's just no but if she said i'll do it for 500 would you be okay with it if i was with somebody and she said, I'll do it for $500, would you be okay with it? I was with somebody and she said, somebody is offering me $500. Yeah, you're at a bar.

Well, I have enough money that I'd be like, I'll give you $600. I just want an exclusive right to match. I want first matching. You have to take it all to me. I have right. First refusal. All all right so chill out dude yeah man come on bro i'm paul yeah what kind of name is paul too dude what an idiot and build this what is that like what um i realized i never really introduced you i just said your name but people don't what if people don't know who you are how could they not how would our fans know you um we have a lot of like mutual buddies yeah i mean they might know me from uh i do a podcast on the

earwolf network they might know me from comedy bang Bang or my podcast with special guest Lauren Lapkus. Or they might know me from Orange is the New Black or Jurassic World. Oh, shit. I'm also an actor. Ever heard of the most popular movie ever, you guys? Yeah. I'm in it, you idiot. No. Your part was really funny

in that movie. Oh, thank you. When Jake Johnson goes in to kiss you. It's great. If you guys haven't seen Jurassic World... No spoilers. Something funny happens in that movie when Jake Johnson goes in to kiss you. Yeah, it's great. If you guys haven't seen Jurassic World. No spoilers. Something funny happens in that movie. This is a good one.

Isn't that funny? Like imagine if you heard that line three years ago. Your little part in Jurassic World was really funny when Jake Johnson tried to kiss you.

It seems like a dream you had. Yeah, no, it definitely seems very fake. But I lived it. Where did they shoot it? In Hawaii and New Orleans. Oh, shit. Where in New Orleans? What part? We shot at a NASA but i lived it where would it where did they shoot it um in hawaii and new orleans oh shit what where in new orleans what part we shot at a nasa um oh that's right yeah that's dope man that must be cool like a real nasa yeah we had to get like a nasa clearance like i had to

get like a card that was like a nasa approved thing that's the coolest and then it was just literally like a sound stage on the nasa or whatever, which just seems weird. And like they're doing something really important over there and then right here, like a fake... Here's all the scientists figuring out how to get to Mars in case the planet gets too hot. You go play with the dinosaurs. Fake scientists here. There's a chimpanzee in a chair spinning around very quickly. Please ignore that. All right. Give us another guy's name.

Oh, okay. I'm going to have more fun this time. Whoa. Bartholomew. Nice. You did have fun. Yeah. Let's dial it back.

Okay. Bart. That was actually good. Yeah, yeah. All right. Bart. Last name? You did not.

How dare you? Simpson. Bartholomew Simpson. What an unfortunate name. His parents didn't want to get... Don't call me Bart, please. All right. Bartholomew writes,

Hey guys, I wrote it a little while ago, but my situation got a lot worse. To summarize, I'm in college with a tight group of five friends slash future roommates. I have all, sorry, I have had a huge crush on one of the girls since we met, and she recently ended a long-term relationship. As it turns out, she's into me as much as I am into her. Here's where things get messy. We went on a date, of course, and are crazy about each other. Everyone else in the group finds out, and they are furious. They are being passive-aggressive in person and online,

and saying repeatedly that we're going to, quote, ruin the group. We don't think that at all, and are hurt by the lack of support. support honestly we just want to be happy and excited about the new relationship but they're making this miserable what should we do am i in the wrong thanks bartholomew all right okay barry he's ruining the group unfortunately this is a nice little like break from the last question because the last question that guy seemed like he was in the wrong but this one i think the group's in the wrong i agree i think there's what what kind of thing is like you're ruining the group they're ruining the group the group could have a couple and they're they're all mad most groups have a couple i don't get why people feel upset about

this kind of thing like who cares who anyone's dating or what they're doing? I really don't care. Ever. It's very rare that I'll, like, freak out over someone dating someone. Like, I just don't really care. Right. Like, it might be interesting for two seconds. Like, oh, really?

They're together? Okay, whatever. Yeah. It doesn't affect me. But you don't feel like their relationship might do something. It's not going to hurt me and my friendships. This is like a microcosm of people who don't want gays to get married.

They're like, you can't do that. You're ruining the group, America. And it's true. But you two being together will ruin something for me. Yeah. And you're like, how? Because I don't want to know that. Now I know it.

Yeah. Maybe it's that being uncomfortable with like, because when you're a group of friends, you all feel kind of like siblings. And it's like a weird thing when two people hook up because you're like we're not like that with each other we're we're friends like if my brother was like oh i'm hooking up with our sister i'd be like oh okay i can see that's a little gross but i'd get over it yeah well you'd have to this stuff happens all the time though like whenever there's a group of guys and girls everything's good and then inevitably like two people hook up yeah so i understand that everybody's a little anxious

like oh well there's guys break up then we're not gonna like all hang out but it's like the group dynamic is over now it's already happened the two people fell for each other that already interrupts the these are future roommates he's talking about or at least that's what he called them so maybe he's worried about that. Oh, they're all going to live together. That's what they say. The guys and the girls. How about that?

Seems like a recipe for disaster already. That's a little too new-agey. That's actually our new show on Fox, Recipe for Disaster. Oh, that's really cool. So we should all be chefs. What? We're chefs who are living together in culinary school. Yeah, and it's September 11th.

But we don't know anything. 2002. Right. So it's fine but we don't know anything. 2002. Right. So it's fine that we don't know anything. So it's not about the relationships going around. No. No, it's a huge national tragedy. Everything goes, yeah.

It's a much bigger deal than what you think it'll be. Oh, cool. That actually does sound pretty dope. I'd watch that. It's just so convoluted. The TV networks didn't have time for a rom-com and a disaster yeah tv show and they're all like bread chefs so when it's like things go awry it's spelled like a apostrophe r-y-e and then like the posters everyone adds seeds little seeds in this rye bread

that's cool and the seeds go awry right exactly and it puts everyone in a sourdough mood. Oh, no. That's good for the alt poster. Like, if we want to market this abroad, we're trying to think, like, four quadrant. Where will this play? China, India, of course. Thinking something with, like, a roll. Yeah. They were finally on a roll.

Suddenly, dot, dot, dot. Yeah, they were suddenly on a roll. Dot, dot, dot. Suddenly, things went awryry and one person has to step up and be a hero sandwich? gyro also could be a subway sub is like a hero yeah sorry we're so

over time anyway the group's good I think yeah we both think we all think I think it's safe to say we all think that your friends are wrong. Yeah. Do you ever experience being this or seeing it in your group of friends? I've personally ruined many. Any group we've ever been in, I ruined. I've hooked up with guys.

I've fucked girls. I've ruined my relationship with my own parents. But this is how you make friends in college and stuff. You meet one group of people, you ruin it, and you go on to another. You are the video game rampage. You go from city to city destroying things. I guess I've done the thing where I dated someone in the group

and then we broke up, and then now the group has kind of separated a little bit like where it's like oh they hung out with him and i wasn't there yeah they choose they had to choose but but then you just go like whatever i don't know like i just don't think it's that big of a deal like this could also be your love of your life and like you'd be giving it up to like be friends with some people you won't even talk to in two years so it's very true they could end up being married and then looking back like, remember when all of our friends thought we might ruin the group?

That's their best man speech. So you're continuing to ruin the group. I can't stand the way. Wasted with a glass of champagne. The death of the group. And the beginning of your beautiful life together. This marriage ruins the group. If you guys have a baby, the group is going to be forever changed.

This happened in Friends. Did Chandler and Monica ruin the group? Did Ross and baby, the group is going to be forever changed. This happened in Friends. Did Chandler and Monica ruin the group? Did Ross and Rachel ruin the group? Or did they make that group? Come on. They ruined it. Chandler and Monica were good, but Ross and Rachel did affect the group. How about when Rachel and Joey tried to date?

That almost ruined the group. That ruined the show. I mean, at that point, they were just like pulling two names out of a hat hoping for the best. Who would be the weirdest duo of friends hooking up? Phoebe and Ross. Phoebe and Ross, didn't they almost hook up in one of the flashback episodes? Oh, I don't know. What about Phoebe and Chandler?

That might be the weirdest. Yeah, he's so type A. How's he going to do it? Which is my other show. He's so type A. How's he gonna do it? Which is my other show. Yeah, he's so type A. It's a guy, a typing teacher. Yeah. He works at a blood bank. Wow, these ideas are great. I know, right? Alright, let's, we're gonna take

a break and then we'll be right back with more Lauren and Jake and me, I guess. Cool. We'll put in an ad here. Okay. Can you leave this at two? Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Woo! Woo! Where were you born and raised? Oh, wait, let us guess. Do you know? I do have a guess. I have no idea. I have a pretty good guess yeah i was oh i've i

have a narrow down to two states okay really what are they illinois and new york oh okay i mine is um oklahoma i'm gonna oh that is such a fucking stretch fuck you first of all um you're right with illinois or new york illinois is that right yeah that's crazy illinois i just have that vibe, you know. I was born in Chicago and raised in Evanston, Illinois,

where Northwestern University is. Yeah. This makes a lot more sense than Tulsa. And then I lived in Chicago, went to school in Chicago, DePaul. Maybe that's what I'm thinking,

like you're a Chicago comedian. Yeah, and I started there with all my stuff. Do you know Tim Baltz? Yeah. Isn't he the best? He's one of the funniest people ever. Yeah, and I started there with all my stuff. Do you know Tim Baltz? Yeah. Isn't he the best? He's one of the funniest people ever.

Yeah. Cool. Everyone should watch him on bajillion dollar properties on CISO. Are you on that? I did a guest spot on it, but he's a regular on it. He's great.

Yeah, I feel like I should see it. But I don't know. Didn't you do a voice in animals? Yeah. The fish? I did the pigeon and a dog. But my friend Mary was a fish. Because Mary and Tim did that scene with the fish i was um i did a the pigeon and a dog but my friend mary was a fish that's what because mary and tim did that scene with the fish yes yes yes gotcha were you at the premiere yeah oh me too oh sweet this is the part of the show where we plug other people's projects

animals is so fucking funny i guess we're all tangentially involved in animals so that's okay but let's try to keep it on brand yeah the bajillionaire thing we aren't in that one i was just helping tim get notice yeah i like tim tim's great uh so then from chicago you went to new york i did yeah i lived in new york for like a little over a year so you did all the comedy scenes chicago new york and la yeah and rank them okay um hottest dudes hottest dudes um your face dropped they're all medium you know it's just they're all comedy across the board um it's hard to compare actually i would say that not talking about hot dudes anymore but they're all sexy they're also sexy i just love them all um but i do think that they offer different things. Like I think Chicago is a really great place to start because it's really

about the art form. Yeah. And then New York is like a place to get experimental and like, live it up a bit. And then LA is the place to like get a job. Get your shit together. It's been eight years. Are you going to fucking do something with your life?

You're still in Chicago for Christ's sakes.akes yeah nobody ever goes the other way around like i started in la and now i live in chicago yeah does that ever happen i think it does from time to time but it's it because i mean it's the best place to get your training so if you're even if you're from la and you want to go get like really good training i would say in the beginning you're in chicago yeah but if you're already establishing things out here it makes sense to keep doing that so if you're already in la just stay those are makes sense to keep doing that. So if you're already in LA, just stay. Those are the three. Is there a fourth city?

What's like the distant fourth? Detroit has like a second city and like they have a whole deal over there. Detroit, that's cool. Yeah. Wow. But I don't really, like Tim, I think Tim might be from Detroit, or maybe not.

Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson, they're both from there and they're both really talented guys. I guess it's like where the most people went to high school becomes the fourth city, which unfortunately is Los Angeles. What do you mean? Los Angeles, third and fourth? That's right.

All right, cool. Your Netflix special. Yeah, it... What is it? When is it? When is it? It debuts March 11th. It's called... It's after March 11th. If you're Why is it? It debuts March 11th. It's called...

It's after March 11th. If you're listening to this, it's after March 11th. It's on Netflix. Go watch it right now. It's on forever. You can just go to Netflix.com and then sign up for an account.

Or sign in. Who doesn't have a Netflix? You already have one, everyone. Right, of course. And if you don't have one, then somebody else's Netflix account is already logged into your... Absolutely.

Everyone's got it. You have access. We're all good at this point. So what's it called? It's called The Char called the characters this is a series of eight uh specials they're all sketch comedy specials and each one is done by a different alternative comedian and they're basically they netflix like gave us each free reign to do whatever we wanted wow so they're very different and fun and oh so every episode is a different human yes so yours is just the lauren episode yes wow is it all like on stage or is it like five different wait first of all is it five different

characters um you can do as many as you wanted i think i have six in mind i'm not sure right now but um and they're all different sketches or is it like you on stage it's different sketches like on location like different like places and um like there's some through line to mine and but each person's is totally different and i haven't seen them all so i don't really know what i mean by this point that you're listening to this i will have watched them but yeah totally no i'm totally gonna get around to watch them no i mean like for sure like i want to like i support everyone aside from you who are you most excited to see well i'm just who's the hottest other guy um you're just obsessed i just want to know who the hot guy is.

And if they're hotter than me. I will say everyone involved is very funny. I'm really excited about all of them. I'm not just saying that as like a cool political thing. They found the right thing. Yeah, but John Early and Kate Berlant each have specials, and they're both so funny and friends of mine, and I love them, so I'm really excited to watch theirs.

Cool. Hell yeah. Yeah. Sketch comedy. Yeah, man man it's fun yeah first netflix round of doing that yeah so how do people find it on netflix it's just called the yeah and you go to the characters is the characters and you play a rat and a pigeon yep that's amazing i feel like you're being typecast i know i know i'm always playing

pigeons and because you were that in jurassic world. Yeah, I was a rat. That worked for NASA. That Jake Johnson tried to kiss. Yeah, it was so weird of him. Everyone was like, why? Why is he doing that to that rat? Do you have time to answer a few more questions? Sure.

Hell yeah. What time do you have to leave? I have to leave at 2. Nice. What's the rest of your day looking like? So do we. I have to go do a thing at's the rest of your day looking like so do we i have to go do a thing at the youtube space later oh shit out in venice yeah it's so far it is really you should leave now okay great if you have to be there tomorrow you should leave now yeah it's this

thing called vox it's like supposed to be kind of cool they they actually all the interviews i saw were like with like obama and like bill gates stuff. But they're doing stuff that's lighter. Yeah, Barack. Or Malia. I just call Malia Obama. You see that thing about Obama and how she's going to Harvard? If you're friends with Malia Obama, that'd be a really kind of like nice way to hint that you hang out with the president. Yeah.

I was with Obama. His daughter. Still pretty cool. Very cool. All right. Relax. I'm just saying Malia's cool. Yeah. Still pretty cool. Very cool. All right. Relax. I'm just saying, Malia's cool. Yeah.

What a dude. Well, who's Bernie Sanders' daughter, dude? He only has a son. That's amazing. How old is he? I saw a picture of him, and he looks like he's not a lot younger than Bernie Sanders. Oh, really? He's actually 94.

Oh, who's Bernie Sanders? 73. 73. Oh, really? 73 or 74.. Oh, who's Bernie Sanders? 73. 73. Oh, really? 73 or 74. That's interesting, actually. Yeah, like you want that guy running the country at age 80? I mean, he's already senile.

He would be the oldest president of all time. What would happen if a president got dementia or something? Would they have to be usurped? I think they would probably my guess is that they would like be pressured to resign yeah and i think that happens with like supreme court justices who are usually you know they have like life terms yeah but if they sort of like see their mind and their health fading they they'll retire the problem the problem is bern Bernie's running mate I think he said he was going to choose his uncle.

His uncle is a wee bit old. His uncle is 112. He's not like the good 112. He's like the guy where it's like it's noticeable. I'm about to bring

something gross and unfortunate but here I go. Is it teeth related? No. I saw a news article yesterday about a 94 yearyear-old man

who molested two children, and he's going to face possibly 60 years in jail. I'm like, what are you even doing? It's like, you're just in case. It's just like, you're just done.

You're in here now. You die in jail. It just seems weird to even give it a number, and also weird to commit a crime. It probably helps him to feel a little bit better. Not that he deserves to, but he's like, well, I didn't get a life sentence for 60 years.

I feel like if you commit a crime when you're older than 90, you should just be dead. They should just make you dead. They should kill you. Death penalty for 90 and above. There's not really much we can do. You lived a full life. What am I going to repair?

No, you're pretty much set in your ways at this point. And you did have a whole life. We're going to cut you short. Also, do you think there are a lot of really old people in jail? I feel like that's not really a thing you hear about, but that must be so strange. They have to get care and stuff like that? That's a cool piece of trivia to know.

Who's the oldest incarcerated person? There must be 80 or 90 or 90 year olds in there. Or the person who's been there the longest. Like if someone got life and they were really young. Right, like if he's lived in jail for 70 years, 75 years. But that does have to happen. What would I do to deserve that? But like, do you start, you know, people think just like getting hot meals and stuff like that costs money.

But yeah, what if people like full on need medicine and shit? Right. Or like somebody like change their diaper or something. That's why I don't. I think they just don't deal with it and they just let them suffer. Yeah. Capital punishment's real bullshit. The jails are privatized.

I mean, you guys know, everyone knows I'm a cruise canvasser, right? What is his policy? I'm not 100% sure. He wants to press the button that'll lift up all the gates on jails let the prisoners back in i think he probably supports something like bringing back firing squads or something that makes sense that's cool in a way uh all right we have a question from a lady finally oh i've been wondering if that was gonna happen it's about oh never mind it's a guy no yeah it's just a really effem never mind. It's a guy. Yeah.

It's just a really effeminate male. No, it's a female. Do you have a female's name? Peña. And her last name? Colada. Wow. I love Peña Colada.

If you like Peña Colada. Someone's phone is on. It's mine. Is it doing something? Hello? This is so insane. Miss Kolata, how are you? Holy shit, she's calling. Is it doing something?

No, no, no. It's mine. I just hear the signal that travels through the microphone out of Jake's butthole into the microphone again. Excuse you. Oh, wow. It's like a farting static. That's butthole, into the microphone again. Excuse you. Oh, wow. It's like a farting static. That's enough.

You're embarrassing me on air. And you're putting on airs. So stop both of those things. All right. Pena Collada writes, My boyfriend is into the thought of me sucking another guy's dick. He's never had any. For $500. I was going to say, cool, man. He's never had any of his exes do this, and I've never given a guy a blowjob who I wasn't

in a serious relationship with. What he wants me to do is to give a guy a blowjob while filming it, and then I'll send to my boyfriend the video. I'm fine with this. The only problem is I don't know how to go about it. I've lost my virginity to my current boyfriend and I've given a blow job to a previous boyfriend but never hooked up with anyone or even kissed a guy that I wasn't dating. How do I meet a guy to make something like this happen? And should I tell him the video is for my boyfriend or just lie and say

it's for myself so he's less uncomfortable we are both 18 and i can't drink until we're 19 so i can't meet anyone at a bar or anything any advice would be helpful p.s if it helps we've been in a relationship for two years monogamously the entire time and our long distance a lot of curveballs the long distance thing makes more sense as to why he wants this video because then he just watch her yeah it's like i want to watch a porn starring you yeah sure but how is she gonna find a guy to blow yeah that does not seem hard how long ago did we get our 30 guys email uh we got it february 28th i wonder if she's done it i hope there's still time you have to not do this what she's 18 years old and she wants to send a guy she's dating a video of her

blowing somebody that's not the question do not do that how to get the blow that's not hard to come by no pun intended but i do really feel like she should not do it i think that it's not a good idea to have a video of you doing that especially if somebody you don't trust the videos with somebody you don't trust and the i mean you trust your boyfriend but like you're gonna maybe not be together always and he'll have this video of you when you were young and when you get older that video will always exist it's like the kim kardashian thing we're like that worked out for her but like we're not all that lucky. Trust me. We have a sex tape with Ray J, too, and nobody wants to see it.

So this would be your advice, even if a guy wanted to videotape his own lady. I just don't think it's necessarily a good idea at this point in your life. And I don't mean to be ageist or anything. I just feel like if you were older and making that decision, there's a little bit of a difference there. But it feels like something you're kind of being peer pressured into. It's not your idea. Yeah, that's a good thing. You don't necessarily find this hot.

She's doing this to please this guy. Yeah. I feel like the maximum, maximum, and I wouldn't even do this, is like you could blow a dildo. Oh, a dildo, right? Yeah. There's porn where there's like clearly a fake dick and somebody blows it. That being said, don't do it. Not even the dildo.

I don't think that this is... No, that'll be embarrassing to you later. It's going to come out. Someone's going to get their hands on the tape. What's the next iteration? Like her eating a carrot. What can we give this guy? Suck a baby carrot.

Can she suck a baby carrot? Or would you also say no to that? What about just doing it on Skype? Oh, yes. It's not a video that he can keep. So she's blowing a guy on Skype. No, no, no. Not that.

But I think it is possible to capture, do like a screen capture on Skype. So as long as she knows that this dude isn't, you know, downloading any ridiculous technology to make sure that he has this video forever. Uh-huh. Maybe it's, I mean, like. You know know what here's what i think you should do start from the top if you really want to do this for this guy i think it should be in person the guy's there in the room he watches it he can jerk off to it forever the rest of his life yeah he'll have a video wow that's interesting so it's like a live theater and it's safe for you because you're with someone you don't know but your guy's there whenever i just feel like there's that's a harder

play can anybody can convince a girl to blow a guy yeah can you convince a girl to blow a guy with their boyfriend in the room yeah that happens all the time that's what thrinder is people are like yeah threesome it's tinder for threesomes holy moly i never heard of this really yeah oh people are into all kinds of kinky stuff and it's all great and everybody should be into whatever makes them feel good as long as they're not sending illicit videos to their boyfriends because that shit dude i mean he's gonna show his friends he's gonna there's just something about it i just don't think it sounds good yeah it doesn't and i've sent pictures of my penis out there in the world. And so I'm not like saying, I don't know.

I'm a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm still going to say it. Was your face in the pictures? Sure was, yeah. And that is the question everyone asks. And the answer is always yes. It was not a good look. Yeah, but your face wasn't in it, right? It was in it.

The face was in it. I also have an identifying tattoo. I assure you it was my penis. Next to my dick was a baby carrot to scale. So we're not even going to give her advice on how to find the guy. We're just going to say. I don't think it would be hard to find a guy. If you put your feelers out there, you're going to find someone who wants you to suck their dick.

I just don't think it's a good idea. On camera to send to the boyfriend. I don't think it's that hard. Don't you think a lot of guys would just do that? They wouldn't care. Yeah, I would do it. You would do it? For sure. That like, can I blow you, take. On camera to send to the boyfriend. I don't think it's that hard. Don't you think a lot of guys would just do that? They wouldn't care. Yeah, I would do it. You would do it? For sure.

That like, can I blow you, take a video and send it to my boyfriend? Well, I would probably try to talk them out of sending the video to the boyfriend. Just because that's my dick. Well, yeah, because I don't think that, I think that's a pretty dangerous move. But doesn't it seem like it's too risky? Like you wouldn't want to be involved up in that? If I could shoot it, like if I'm'm not like my face isn't in it. I know.

I learned my lesson. Like the iPhone has to be attached to my chin. It's funny how I was so against it until I thought about like me getting a blowjob and I was like, oh, actually,

this is a cool idea. Wait, what were you saying? I feel like that would be a better way for the guy to get, is having the, he's holding the camera. The POV.

So it's like a great view for like the boyfriend. He doesn't have to see the other guy's face and the main guy gets to feel like he's holding the camera the pov it's like a great view for like the boyfriend he doesn't have to see the other guy's face and the main guy gets to feel like he's in control of like a porn what if she does it and it's a black guy it's i've been picturing a black guy the entire time yeah these aren't it's not three black people no it is all right uh i i think lauren's right with the pov pov angle that, then he doesn't like, nobody knows who he is. Now you're directing the video. I would love to.

What you want to do is get a shot or a shot. Let's establish it in a wide. Lapkus is directing. I was going to DP. Not the DP you're thinking of. Yeah, I need this credit. I need to get in the DGA, baby. Your deadline announcement for the Netflix.

Yeah. in the dga baby and your your deadline announcement for the netflix yeah you know her from jurassic world and that porn where a guy blew got blown by a girl uh all right this was a fun one that was a good question a lot of layers it was an onion yeah which is why we're all crying for the future uh thanks for coming on the show oh my gosh thanks for having me thanks for answering questions thanks for helping advise. If people want more Lauren Lapkus, where should they steer their eyeballs? You can follow me on Twitter,

at Lauren Lapkus, or Instagram. Hell yeah. And that's it, man. You snapping? I just downloaded Snapchat. It's time, you gotta. I know, but I'm like, I cannot figure it out.

I don't know why. I was there. Six months ago, I was there. Yeah, I don't know why. I was there. Six months ago, I was there. Yeah. I don't even get how to do anything. I actually just don't get it. I feel old. It's a little scary because every time you take a...

My brother taught me and I was like, I took a picture. I was like, well, I don't want to put that on my story. Can everyone see this? Who sees this? Yeah. It's very scary. There's a lot of pressure. Yeah.

I'll figure it out. Once you do, I feel like that's the next move. Yeah. Follow me on Snapchat. I mean, I have an account. I just haven't done anything yet. Oh. What's your name on Snapchat?

I think it's Lauren Lapkus. I'm not very creative. Hell yeah. Oh, that's bending. That's good. I want people to find me. Early adopter. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got there before another Lauren Lapkus. There's literally not another one in the world. Is there really not? As far as Google says. Really? Is there another, I guess, google says really yeah is there another uh i guess your family but is there a non-family lapkis i think i'm related to all of the we say

lapkai oh very nice anybody i found online is a relative of mine somehow so that's cool yeah that's a fun thing you say at like family reunions yeah the lapkai yeah it's just you and your uncle yeah uh cool so if you have your own questions for us or your own theme songs the email address for everything is if i were you show at gmail.com we'll be back next week with more stuff the opening theme song was written by josh friedman and this closing one was written by rob jehan jehan j-e-E-H-A-N. How would you pronounce that? Yehan. Jehan. J-E-H-A-N.

J-E-H. Jehan. Jehan. Wait, how do you spell it? The second half of the podcast is us trying to pronounce this name. Jehan. Jehan. Jehan.

Rob Jehan. Rob J. Thanks, Rob J. Thanks, Josh Friedman. Thanks to you guys. Thanks, Lauren, for coming by. Thank you. We'll be back next week.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye do you. You do you. You do you. You do you. You do you. video video video video Thank you. You do you.

You do you. You do you. You do you. Good deal. Still here, aren't you? Oh, you are getting a, you are a sneaky little titmouse. You love it. Constantly looking for more cheese. Well, guess what?

We have a nice little hunk of Swiss for you. Uh, uh, uh, not so fast. First, give us your credit card number. What does it start with? Come on, just the first four digits. 4311. Okay, we're getting closer. We wanted to remind you guys one last time about Lonely and Horny.

Yeah, we wouldn't push it so hard if we weren't really proud of it. And if we didn't want people to see it. Because we think our fans will like it as much as we do. And if you want to get that coupon, you want to get the discount, you don't want to spend the full $15 on this new web series, which is 10 episodes of roughly 9 minutes each. We understand. But there's a coupon code for you, and it's HORNY, and that'll give you 15% off your pre-order.

You can save a little bit of Skrilla, folks. Your pre-orders mean that you'll get to watch the show, which we're really excited about. It impresses the higher-ups at Vimeo, who had no idea we'd be able to pre-sell that many. Yeah, which bodes well for a season two. And by the way, we are also... I'm open in every single snap I get sent with the yeah with the confirmation been getting a lot of those

loving them the tweets with the with the confirmation too it's great so many people have pre-ordered but so many people haven't yet including myself I just keep putting it off

if enough people pre-order you will pre-order so let's say you're in front of a computer right now you've been putting it off for weeks and weeks and weeks. It would be really helpful, and we'd be very thankful if you were to pre-order Lonely and Horny at lonelyandhorny.com. We bought the domain, lonelyandhorny.com. I think we'll be back on Thursday this week.

So don't miss us too much because we're only gone for three more days. And thanks for listening. We'll be back soon. Peace. That was a HeadGum Podcast.