Segments - 21: Quick Characters

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

In this episode we try to come up with 50 characters and 49 states.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear. Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Okay. If God had a name, what would it be?

Follow up. Would you call it his face? Right. So if it was like Mike, would you go up to God and say, hey, Dan, or would you say your holiness? I think if I knew that God's name was Todd or Trevor. In Todd we trust. God is

Todd. Do you know Todd is God? Todd unfriended me. I'd probably say Todd, sir. Todd, your holiness, Todd. I. Todd, your holiness. Todd, I think I might drop it. If you saw the president, you'd say Mr. President. And he's not even God. Right, exactly.

He's just Joe. Yeah. Amtrak Joe. From Hannibal Moe. Huh? It's just a song. Anyway, this is Segments, a podcast ever-changing, ever-evolving. Even as we talk, we don't know what's going to come up next.

No idea. That's the beauty of improv comedy. The first segment is a surprise to you, the viewer. That's right. We know what it is. Right, of course. Carefully scripted down to the last period. Yes.

This one was actually tweeted to us a few times, but most recently by our friend Al Jalil. Dear friend Al Jalil. He's kind of a day one, right? Yeah, yeah. True day one. Been to shows. We've met. We've chatted.

We talked. We discussed. And he tweeted at us an idea. He gave us a ride from the show back to our hotel in D.C., I believe. Of course. Yeah. This is Al Jalil on Twitter says, can y'all bring back quick characters from the OG days at CH for the segments podcast? Right on. So he's referring to the first video we ever shot together.

Yeah. Which is a bit that we did when we were just hanging out together, which was I would create a character and I would tell you how to act. Yeah. Which is a great premise. It's kind of like an improv game or something. Really nice stuff. That we invented. That's right.

Whose line is it anyway style? This could be a TikTok trend. Correct. It really could be. Instead, we recorded it on a shitty camera and posted it to Vimeo. And this is from, Casey, if we can pull it up. This video is from April of 2007. April of 2007.

I believe you said that was like 17 years ago. Yeah, right around 17. In April, it'll be 17 years. Not bad. To the day. Not bad. A child born on this day is old enough to vote illegally in this country. Quite illegally.

Yeah. Which is a really big problem, actually. Exactly. I voted twice last election. Quite illegally. Yeah. Which is a really big problem, actually. Exactly. I voted twice last election. That shouldn't happen. And so that'll tilt the election in California. Yeah, it should. I tweeted my vote a thousand times in Georgia.

Right. So that completely changed human history, as it were. I think voting twice should be fine. Well, I said all of our problems would be solved if smart people could vote twice. Yeah. I mean, that would completely tilt society in our favor. And shouldn't smart people get to vote twice? They know more.

Right. Yeah. But they have different, they don't have lived experience necessarily. Well, they're so smart, they could have lived experience. They could, but they don't necessarily. Like, I'm not smart, but I think I... You'd get one vote.

I would, yeah. And I think I want two. Of course you think you do. Because right now I have one, but it's not even worth shit. I never vote. No. And I don't care about it.

But if I had two, then I might actually be inclined because I have... Vote one for each. Yeah, that's true. And it cancels each other out and I don't worry about things. Well, you vote in California, New York.

Your vote borderline doesn't matter at all. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah, yeah. And you're incorporated in Delaware. That's right. And that also is such a firm belief. I also have – I'm registered under several deceased names in Virginia.

Yeah, and that doesn't count at all either. Doesn't count. Alright, let's take a look at Jake and Amir quick characters from April 23rd, 2007. This will give us an idea. I look good. Alright, I thought of a good idea. I like the haircut. It's kind of just all the same

length everywhere. Create a character and then I put the camera on Jake, or he creates a character, and he puts a camera on me. A guy who just didn't get a raise, but bet somebody the amount of the raise that he wouldn't get it. So he's a little disappointed from a career standpoint, but he's still going to get the money from a friend. Why not put the camera on you?

Interesting. Love the shirt. What happened? Bullshit, really. Didn't get the raise. But you owe me

$1,900. It's a raise for $1,900. I'm going to bet. Nah, I was just kidding about that. I bet you that I wasn't going to get a raise. I'm just repeating the premise. I have to call my wife. Just

write me a check or whatever. I have to call my wife. Write me a check. I have to call my wife. $1,500. Okay. All right, we can cut. I think we got the gist. Yeah. So I wrote some characters for you.

You wrote some characters for me. We're hearing them for the first time. So I remember the quick characters just being like on the phone or like, you know, almost a monologue. Yeah, we're like. We're interacting a little bit. We're acting opposite each other. So we can, we can engage. Exactly. All right, good.

Okay. So can I start with one to give to you? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So this character is guy who is discreetly, guy who is discreetly asking for a dildo at at cbs because he spots his ex-girlfriend nearby and doesn't want her to he doesn't want her to hear so i could be the guy that you're like yeah okay i'm stalking the show yeah uh excuse me do you have any dildos oh

i'm going to be i just noticed cindy okay yeah so you didn't get i got the dildos out so that we've established what the game is. Excuse me, do you sell dill? Oh, shit. Do we sell what? Do you sell dill pickles here? Yeah, there's a grocery section. Okay.

And can you come with me down the hall? Because they're usually behind the lock and key. No, not the pickles. Not the pickles? That's like teeth whitener. Okay. Well, I also need a... Hi, Cindy. Cindy.

Oh, hi. Yeah. Good to see you. You look good. What are you here for? I was getting pickles. And I actually need you to help me with the razor. There's a razor over here. That's behind the key, isn't it? That's behind the lock and key. And I actually need you to help me with the razor. There's a razor over here.

That's behind the key, isn't it? That's behind the lock. Yeah. We need help. All right. I got to call for someone. Don't call for someone. I want to talk to you.

We need a dildo key. Not mine. That's what you asked for, right? I didn't say a dildo. A dildo key on aisle six. Cindy. It was Cindy. Oh, my God.

You're so disgusting. I'm a little perfect. You loved that, didn't you? Didn't you? You're going to stick that pickle up your ass, aren't you? Cut. All right. Pretty good.

All right. I've got one for you. Okay. Let's see. Which one of these do I want to use? Guy wanting his money back after a tanning bed incident, but you don't want to say what happened because your penis was burned off. Okay.

Hey. Hey, welcome to Tommy's Tanning. Yeah, I was here yesterday, oh yeah yeah yeah i had uh i asked you a bunch of questions before i got on the bed uh-huh um righteous i was hoping to actually i don't know if you're the manager or oh man i'm not the manager all All right. I wonder if I could talk to a manager. One second. Gary. Hey, man. Gary. I'm the manager.

All right. Hey, Gary. Righteous. Gary, I said. Gary, right. So I came here yesterday to use the tanning bed. And I think I need a refund. You don't have to refund.

You're looking pretty tan. You're looking pretty good. I think you got your money's worth. Righteous. Everything was crisp. Everything was crisp. Nicely. Nice.

Except for, and I did ask about this pre-tanning, and I was assured that it would all be fine. It was all fine. Look at you. I look great. You look sun-kissed. You're a golden god, man. I noticed when I got home, part of me was burnt to a crisp.

Part of you was burnt. And it's not a part of me that you can see at all. You're going to have to show us some – we can't just go off of your words. Everybody that comes in says they got a little burnt. They want their money back. I don't want to flash you, but you'll have to take my word for it. off of your words and everybody that comes in says they got a little burnt they want their money back but you'll have to take my word for it i don't think i can't take your balance was it was like uh it turned to stone yeah like it turned back and in sodom and gomorrah and it saw something you're gonna have out. And it, yeah, like in a nuclear blast turned into.

You got Ken dolled by the bed. All right. All the way. It happened to me too. Oh my God. Everyone's a eunuch here. All right. Cut.

Nice. Two characters deep. So far, they've all been more perverted than our original ones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Two characters deep. So far, they've all been more perverted than our original ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Guy who does a Donald Trump impression for the first time at a eulogy for his girlfriend's cousin.

At a eulogy for his girlfriend's cousin. So you're with a girl. Yeah. She invites you to a funeral. I want you to talk. Okay. She invites you to a funeral and they want you to talk. And then this is your one opportunity to bust out a Donald Trump impression for the first time. What can I say about Kevin that hasn't already been said? I I I don't know why it was his time

for God to say you're fired but oh my god what was that I'm just it's a euphemism for death sometimes they bury you six feet deep.

Sometimes they bury you in China. So far into the earth that you're basically in China. What was the issue? All right, good. Yeah, that was good. That was a quick one. All right, that was a quick character All right, good. Yeah, that was good. That was a quick one. All right. That was a quick character.

Yeah, exactly. Quick characters. Okay. Actually, I have a wake-related one as well. Oh, really? But why don't we do something different, actually? Used car salesman who wants to sweeten the deal by selling his soul along with the car. Okay.

So I'm the salesman. Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, it still drives great. These cars were made so well back then. Yeah. Yeah. It's a 93 Toyota Celica, which they don't even make anymore.

It was my first car was a Toyota Celica, which they don't even make anymore. It was my first car was a Toyota Celica. I could let you drive off the lot for $3,000. Yeah, that's a good price. It's a good price. I obviously, I gotta think about it. I'm driving

a couple Celicas. I might check out a Tercel. If it helps you, I can sweeten the deal. I will. Sure. Yeah. What can you do?

3,000 is 240,000 miles on this car. It still drives great, as you saw. And if you can handle the stick shift, then it's no issue at all. Yeah, it did jam a little bit. A little bit. But I'll also, if you're interested in bargaining, I can make you an actual Faustian bargain. Really? I mean, if you're interested in bargaining, I can make you an actual Faustian bargain. Really? I mean, if you can just lube up the shifter.

It's not about that. It's about throwing something in to sweeten the deal. Obviously, it'll cost you a little more than $3,000. But for $3,250. So it's not really sweetening. I'll include. Increasing the deal. So it's the car plus the warranty.

Yeah. And I will also throw in to have yeah for you to have go ahead why um all of me my soul so you would own me in perpetuity going forward you are your soul my soul so you would i drive off with the with the car with the with the warranty and then we'll also register it with the DMV. I'll give you my soul. And your everlasting soul. And yeah, you can just have that.

So I will be sort of an empty vessel. And you can take that. That's actually really interesting. If you believe in heaven. I don't know if that's a thing that sort of gets you off. But you basically have two souls. Right. For the price of one car.

And then you'd also get the car. Right. Would you throw in an air freshener? We have a deal. It's not that good of a soul because I'm just like a used car salesman. Okay. Guy who's talking to his accountant

and hoping to deduct many, many dildos that he bought at CVS, but his accountant is also dating his ex-wife. Got it. So yeah, I think that's everything. Did you make any charitable donations? Charitable donations? everything did you make any charitable donations charitable donations uh you could say things were donated to me to inside of me um listen todd i didn't make any donations charitable or otherwise okay so that's it i mean you owe basically 15.50. Unless you have any like... Well, I have some stuff I could write off.

Oh, great. We did food. We did dining. Did we do anything for entertainment? Entertaining clients, we could say. Yeah, you said... Well, I see there's a receipt for one McRib, but is that a client dinner? Well, it's one McRib.

Well, I was on a Zoom, Todd. Okay. I don't like the accusatory tone No I'm just trying to get you down To a number that's totally palatable I don't know what Sidney said about me But I'm on the level I appreciate it

And I do appreciate you still coming in here You've got these sideways looks with me Todd I'm just wondering how to get your total bill down You're trying to uncover something. You're just wondering. Fine, you know what? I did make a charitable donation to the NRA. Have you ever heard of that?

That's fine. That's great. I don't necessarily agree, but yeah, we can write that off. I'm right-wing, very right-wing. And yeah, whatever the opposite of Planned Parenthood is, I donated to that too. I see that, yeah. Okay, so that lowers your bill.

That's nice. That's nice. That's great. Okay, well, I also got a 14-foot dildo at CVS. That's right, 14 feet. So, yeah, I don't know if that's a write-off. Would you say you're professional? Is it not? Is it not?

Yeah, write it against what you were living. what i didn't get it and i didn't get it todd what'd you say your job was maybe it is related dildo uh explorer yeah i see that here i thought that was a joke my job is a dildo i guess you don't know my job is a dildo man i'm a human phallus is that what you wanted to hear is? Is that what Cindy wanted to get out of me? Alright. I also have a... Dildo related? An ex-related one

actually. Yeah. Okay. Guy who wants to enter an open relationship. Yeah. But you have broken up with this girl already three years ago. So we're not together anymore. So I take her out to dinner to catch up.

You need to ask her back out and suggest having an open relationship in the same meal. Yeah, this was awesome. It was so cool to see you and to, i feel like it's kind of in a weird way a first date again you're right amir yeah well it's not my name in this world yeah um thanks i feel like i don't even remember yeah don't call me that i don't even remember why we broke up. Neither do I in your bloomin' health. This is crazy to say. Maybe the wine talking was so funny. We already went out a few times.

My name and my credits again. You're funny. Thank you. You're funny too. You're so cute. Would you ever be down to date yet again? Or is that kind of like a weird situation? That's a cheeky question if you're Because we did date before.

Oh, I could give it another shot. Okay, yeah. But like, why don't we make this one Irish? What? As in Irish, it was more than just the two of us. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you, me, and everybody we know. You're crazy. Well, you know about open relationships, right? It's the idea that you're in a relationship with someone, but you're not really in it. Blumenfeld, what are you asking? I basically want to be with you and also have the ability to date others, if that's okay. You're sick. Yeah.

Why are you breaking my heart again? I'm asking you a question. Let's do it. Yes. Okay. Oh, this is another date. Okay. Guy who just asked his 29- 29 year old date to guess his age

and she said i don't know 46 okay i'm having a lovely time this has been fun oh man you make me feel young again to be in our 20s. I'm sure you're young again. I'm not. Well, I'm in my 20s. I'm not as young as I look. Really? Why don't you guess my age? I don't know, 46?

I'm actually 30. What? What did you say? I was going to say 48, but I thought that would be insulting, so I think 46. Why don't I guess your age? I'm 29. You're 50? As long as we're guessing way over?

As long as we're just trying to hurt each other? How old are you? I'm 42. Okay. So it's four years. Yeah, it was way too close. 46. Way too close.

You do look like you're older than 46, by the way. That was me being polite. I would say you look 58. Let's get the check. I'm going to get dessert to go, and we're going to go Dutch on the bill. Yeah. How's your back, by the way? It really hurts.

Yeah, you're wearing a hernia belt. Minimalist Scandinavian restaurants where you sit on a stool. It's not exactly good for the old body. Oh, the hip flexors are tight. Oh, the lumbar is at it. Can you crack my back, sweetheart? You're John Goodman. All right.

All right. I mean, we have more, but why don't we call it a segment now leave them wanting more we can always come back yeah it's fun to come up with the characters shout out to Al Jalil for throwing us back in the mix thank you for the inspiration thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show

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Cool Guys. All right, we're back. Okay. Here's a game that's been played before, but I thought we can put a new Segmania-style slant on it. Segmania, that's right. Yeah, you know the whole, like, it's hard to just write 50 states and remember them all?

Yeah. I remember we played this at College Humor at one point. Yeah. And like invariably you'll forget one or two. Right. So I said, why don't you try to name all 50 states and see if you can get all 50? You are sort of a state enthusiast. You like capitals, how many states you've been. So you think you can get 50 out of 50? I've driven across the country six times. I've visited 49 of 50 states.

I feel like this is within touching distance for me. So how about this for the bet? And it's a little Faustian, so tread lightly. My sulfur. If you hit 49, that's a push. Neither of us win. Okay. 49 states. That's to be expected. That's the line. Yeah. If you get to 50, I lose the bet. I'll do like, I'll sing a song. Yeah. If you get 48 or under, you lose the bet. You sing the song. Okay. But we got to put a time

limit on it. I'm also going to say, 49 and 50 count for a win yeah 48's the push interesting no because or or there's no or there's no push so 49 is what yeah 49 is i win basically it's an over under yeah you think you want it to be 48 and a half so 49 or 50 but i don't want you to get 49 states you can't think of the last one and that's a win for you. That doesn't feel like a win for you. Well, with the time limit. Yeah, the time limit's a wrinkle. And you also have to remember with this hundred tweet business, I forgot to negotiate. Yeah. Do you remember that a couple weeks ago? Yeah, you learned your lesson. Yeah, I've learned my lesson. You're trying to make it extra nice for you. I have to actually get all 50,

which you just said is basically impossible. Let's negotiate this Faustian bargain. Yeah. But if you want that 49 victory, you can't see the list. No, I want to see the list. Yeah, you do want to see the list. So I think if you see the list... Actually, no, you know what? Maybe I don't want to see it. I'll do

no list. Okay, so Casey, write the list, but we're not going to put it on the board. Got it. Or we can put it on the board. You can't look. Yeah, fine. Okay, put it on the board. Jake cannot look. 49 is a win, but you can't, like, you'll just have to list states. Yeah. And is there a time limit? Let's give me a two-day time limit. Two days. Okay. That seems long. And a 40-state heads up. 10 minutes? Okay.

10 minutes. 10 minutes is a nice chunk of time. Yeah. Really, it'll be like you getting 44 states in like two minutes and then like trying to remember. Yeah. And I think you... What I'm hoping for is that you won't be able to remember what you said in a fever dream

like in the first 30 states. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. So are you ready, Casey? I'm ready. Are you ready, Jake? You won't be able to remember what you said in a fever dream like in the first 30 states. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay. So are you ready, Casey? I'm ready. Are you ready, Jake? Yes.

And we are starting. Oh, my God. You're already. Shit. Where is Hartford? Let's start where I'm from, Connecticut. We'll hit a bunch in the northeast. Why not? So Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, the tri-state.

We've got Massachusetts, Rhode Island. Wait, hold on. Jesus, he's trying to type pretty fast. Massachusetts, Rhode Island. Connecticut, New York, New Jersey. That's all we got so far. Connecticut, New York, New Jersey. Massachusetts, Rhode Island.

You can use the abbreviations, RI, et cetera, et cetera. New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine. I've already said New York. Yeah, I'm feeling really confident. ME. Okay. The fact that you said New York again makes me really confident that you won't get to 49. Let's go Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, West Virginia.

Delaware, Virginia, West Virginia. You got to get more of those. It's got to be more than D. He's just writing D. This is fucked. This is fucked. I'm on it. I'm on it.

I'm on it. Maryland, by the way, is MD, not ML. I shouldn't have to be worrying about the list. No, I got the list. We're going to have to increase the time limit here. No, you're still, you got plenty of time. Maryland is MLB. Okay.

Just do D, yeah. Kentucky, Tennessee. Kentucky, Tennessee. By the way, you can probably write the whole state at this point. KTC. TN. KC. And you forgot West write the whole state at this point. KTC. TN. KC. And you forgot West Virginia.

Oh, my good lord. This is a test for me as well. North Carolina, NC, South Carolina. SC, yeah. Georgia, Florida. Yeah, Georgia, Florida. GA, FL, yeah. Alabama, Mississippi.

Alabama, M-I-S-S. Just go for the- Arkansas. Yeah. Missouri, Louisiana. Missouri, Louisiana. Texas. Texas.

All right, now we're sort of- You're halfway home. We're filling in that Southwest area. You're at 25. Two minutes. I said Missouri already? Yes. Okay. Oh, wait. Did already? Yes. Oh, wait.

Did he? Yes. That's M-I-S. Isn't that Mississippi? Mississippi, Missouri. I've said both. Okay. Yeah, you said both.

Okay. All right. Then let's go ahead, move. Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Nebraska. He's typing full names, which is good. Michigan, Nebraska. Michigan, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Minnesota. Wisconsin, Michigan, and Minnesota.

Oh, Iowa's up around there. Michigan, Minnesota, Iowa. Let's hit them with Idaho. Let's hit them with Idaho. Let's hit them with South Dakota and North Dakota. North Dakota's the one state that I haven't been to, folks. Iowa. He did Iowa as well.

Mm-hmm. Iowa. South Dakota. I think he already did South Dakota. He did? No, he did South Carolina and North Carolina. We should be at – this should be like added time for sure. This is like injury time.

Yeah, three minutes. So you have seven minutes to go. Okay. Wait, North Dakota is the one you've never been to? Yeah, I've never been to North Dakota. Capital is Bismarck. Kansas, Colorado. Kansas, 37. Colorado, 38. Arizona. 39, Colorado. Kansas, 37. Colorado, 38.

Arizona. 39, Arizona. Wyoming, Montana. Wyoming is 40. Montana, 41. All right. Wyoming, Nevada. Nice.

Nevada, 42. Interesting. California. That's nuts, Kelly. Interesting. California. That's nuts of Kelly. Wow. Oregon, Washington. 45. Oh, man.

Alaska, Hawaii. Oh. So you're at 40. You need 48, 49, 50. You've done 47 in four minutes. Yeah, and this is, there we go. This is the tough part. I was like, now what the fuck did I miss?

And without looking at the list, it's seemingly really hard. I'm picturing just the states in my, trying to picture them in my head. Kentucky, Tennessee. I feel like I must have missed something over in the middle. Can you make the list smaller, Casey, so I can see the whole thing? Oh, did I say Nebraska? Yeah. Damn it.

Nebraska. Illinois. I said Illinois, too. Yeah, you said Illinois, Indiana, Ohio. All the red monopoly properties. Pennsylvania. I think the low point was when Casey wrote D for Delaware. That was a sad moment for all of us.

Okay. All right. Then we got the border. The border states, there's Washington, goes into Idaho, goes into Montana, then North Dakota. Yeah. The one state I haven't been to, folks. Wisconsin, Minnesota. Uh-huh.

What else is in that rust belt right there? You said Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota. I'm trying to think if I can name the ones that are missing. Maybe it's in that southern zone. Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi. Shit balls. Six minutes, by the way. You have four minutes left.

I have four minutes left. Drum up three more states, not just one. Right. Yeah. Okay. Let's just go in through these regions again. New Hampshire, Maine. Is there one up there?

How many listeners do you think are like oh yeah you forgot these three states obviously i guess i did say i said vermont you did yeah early on yeah i'm trying to think i thought you missed colorado but you got colorado there's a state oh wait that four corners arizona colorado oh new mexico did not say new mexico that's 48 so two left man oh wait actually just one for the win yeah because yeah 49 is a win wow seven minutes you have three minutes left three minutes left to come up with one state but i i mean the list I even look at the list. Oh my God, he looked.

He fucking cheated. Looking at the list is actually worse, I think. I'm trying to just picture the states. Yeah. But I want you to guess states that you've already guessed. I wonder if I said Oklahoma. No, I haven't. Have I?

I don't see it. Did you? I haven't said Oklahoma. i don't see it did you i haven't said oklahoma i don't see it wow 49 should i try for 50 i try at this point two minutes left to get or should we spend two minutes figuring out what song you're saying there's one state missing i don't even know what it is and i'm looking um what's above oklahoma man i really don't know i don't know what it could be do you know what it is casey the final state yeah i'm trying to name the these states that I've already said. Yeah, that you put in. KT? I believe KT is Kentucky. Of course, yeah. It has to be, right? There's no other K.

Yeah, there's not. I can't think of any other. I'm hoping to God there's a state here twice. Well, there's this mystery MI I have here at 21. I think that's Missouri. Michigan or Missouri. One was Missouri and one was Mississippi. Yeah, then there's this mystery MI I have here at 21. I think that's Missouri. Michigan or Missouri. One was Missouri. One was Mississippi. Yeah, then there's Michigan, Mississippi, Minnesota.

And I already said Montana. I already said Wyoming. It's in that zone. I think it's in the Midwest. It's the Kansas. It's the Colorado. It's that New Mexico zone. Yeah, somewhere in that time zone.

What's the state that's right above Texas? And that's what made me think of Oklahoma because it's got the panhandle. Yeah. You're at nine minutes right now. Right around there. There's something right around there. Let me zoom out of Google Maps. I'm just looking at a map right now to see if there's a state that

I haven't heard yet I wonder if there's like a chance that I said all 50 in case he missed one early on very possible slash likely can you see anyone that I'm missing? Oh.

I think I might know it. Yeah. I think I don't see one state. Interesting. Now that I look at a map. Give me a region that it's in. It's in the mountain time zone. So the one that's next to the Pacific time zone.

Interesting. Are you thinking of the same state? I think so. Not too far from here? From here? Yeah. Like in the grand scheme of America. It's closer to California than New York. Yeah. Is it next to Colorado?

California. It is next to Colorado than New York. Yeah. Is it next to Colorado? It is next to Colorado. Unless I don't see it. But I think, yeah, I think this is the state. All right. You can tell me. What state do you have, Casey? I believe it's Indiana.

Oh, no. He said Indiana. Oh, he said Indiana? What do you have? Utah. That's right. Utah. I forgot Utah. You missed Utah. One of my. I forgot Utah. You missed Utah.

One of my favorite states, too. Damn. Any doubles here for the last ditch effort slash hope to God that I don't have to sing a song? No. There are no doubles there. Yeah, this is all. It's a pretty meticulous list. Damn, I wish I got that 50.

Why is it so hard to get 50? I guess invariably you forget about one. If I was filling out a blank map of America, no problem. Yeah. Obviously. Because then you would stir it and outline it as Utah. Yeah, for sure. All right.

Good job. Sadly for me. I still have yet to. Why don't you stand up and sing? Why don't you take your pants off and sing the Star Spangled Banner? Because I did name all 50. Really glad I negotiated for that 49. That was good.

I thought the not seeing the list would trip you up. Like, how can you possibly have it all in your head? Yeah. No, I actually think not looking at the list was better for me. Like, you would have not seen it. Because looking at the list, then you're just, like, you're distracted. I keep on like you're distracted i keep on looking at like tennessee and i'm like god damn what else like you but you're thinking of tennessee all right what song should i sing um we've got it johnny cash i've been everywhere man

i know all the words uh no you can sing one of your why don don't you sing that song by Mika? That really hard song? Yeah. That doesn't... That's really hard to sing. Gene Kelly? Yeah. I don't know if I can nail all of the parts of that. Mika.

Yeah. Grace Kelly. Grace Kelly. That's right. What about What If God Was One of Us? That's sort of easy. And we started the episode with it. Right.

But you have to try. Yeah, I have to try. That's Right. But you have to try. Yeah, I have to try. That's obviously you have to try. Yeah. What if God was one of us by Joan Osborne. Joan Osborne. Good shit. I really like this song, but the lyrics were weird.

Okay. Ready? This is One of Us. Oh, One of Us. joan osborne cool because one of us got 49 states it's not quite 50 though yeah all that mattered was the 49 i got the w that's what i got If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to his face? If you were faced with him in all his glory, what would you ask if you had just one question? And yeah, yeah, God is great. Yeah, yeah, God is good.

And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home. Great. Great song. I like that you're giving a lot of energy. If God had a face, what would it look like?

And would you want to see if seeing meant that you have to believe in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the prophets and yeah yeah god is great and yeah yeah god is good and yeah yeah yeah yeah. What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home. Back up to heaven all alone. Nobody calling on the phone Except for the Pope may be in Rome Nice!

That's it? And yeah, yeah, God is great And yeah, yeah, God is great And yeah God is good And yeah Yeah Yeah What if God was One of us

Just a slob Like one of us Just a stranger On the bus. Trying to make his way home. Nobody calling on the phone. Except for the Pope maybe in Rome. Thank you.

I've never sung. I mean, I sing along with you every time. Because it looks fun. Because it's awesome. What a weird song. Yeah. I like it a lot. It's musically good, but lyrics are kind of weird.

Kind of, but now it's kind of, I thought the second verse was really interesting. Would you want to see his face if it meant that you had to believe? Things like heaven. If this is a Christian song, I like it a little less, but if it's just asking an interesting question, I think that's kind of fun. And what would you ask if you had just one question? I would ask why Amir Blumenfeld can't seem to catch a break. I guess I don't know who that is. Fuck!

Next client. I have another one! About my soul! Down to hell. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, we're back. Yeah, that was fun. Let's make a U-turn.

Oh, last segment. Same as the first. I got some quick characters left in the tank. Okay. I didn't empty the clip, as the kids said. Yeah, I got some more for you. All right, hit me. Guy who has nine questions about the mixed greens at a really fancy restaurant that may or may not even have mixed greens on the menu.

Okay. Yeah. I see. Are you guys ready to order? Yeah, I think so. Sweet. I see. Are you guys ready to order? Yeah, I think so. Sweet. Go ahead, Sydney. No, you go.

Go ahead, Sydney. No, you go. I'm going to do the swordfish with the mixed greens. Sweet. And do you know what you want? Sorry, one second. Does it come dressed? I think it's like olive oil or rice.

Can I do the dressing on the side? That's two questions. Yeah. What's the mix in the greens? What is the mix? Because it says they're mixed. It's just like, does it even say mixed greens? It's just like a side salad.

A side salad. But is it mixed greens? Yeah, romaine or something. It's a really small little. So you said arugula? Yeah. Guaranteed arugula? Yeah. Guaranteed arugula? I can double check.

Can you go... Sorry, go ahead. It's like a frisee. Go ahead and finish. I apologize. I was cutting you off. Yeah, I think it's arugula, but I'm not sure. It's really just a small little scoop of leaves on the side.

Well, it costs $14, so I think I'd like you to be short. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. like you to be short. I'm just kidding. I'm such an asshole. I'm just kidding. Sydney, I'm just... It's a joke because it's a expensive salad. I'll have the gnocchi. Yeah, she'll have the gnocchi and we'll split the salad.

It's not really salad. It's more like mixed greens. Mixed greens. So it is mixed greens. I'll do the mixed greens. Let's do arugula. No, you don't get to order. You do not get to order the leaves. It might just be parsley, honestly. Eight pieces of arugula.

No, it's not that. Four pieces of romaine. As long as I can choose the exact mix. And it will be mixed, yeah. Iceberg. Yeah. Baby spinach. Great.

All right, I'll be right back. Cavager. Noberg. Yeah. Baby spinach. Great. All right, I'll be right back. Cavager. No, not cabbage. I've got one final one for you. Okay. This one is, okay. Slam poet hired to perform a mass layoff at a Fortune 500 company. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Kyle. Appreciate you. Appreciation comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes. Some people get a pat on the back. Other people get a slap on the ass. Not me. I got a pink slip.

Slip into something pink and interesting. Getting hired, retired, and then fired. Nine of you will be let go today. As in, in a way, you're not going to be working here anymore I have kids man sorry I thought we were going to mute them say goodbye to your left and ride

your ride or die will be more than die than ride tonight what about my medication you can't afford that anymore America landed the free home of the brave you guys are unemployed starting today than die than ride tonight. What about my medication? Can't afford that anymore. America, land of the free, home of the brave. You guys are unemployed starting today. I think that's it.

You guys owe me $48,000. The one guy that wasn't fired. Promoted. Actually, I have one last one about Zoom as well. All right, great. Guy who's leading a 30-person Zoom meditation. When everyone in the city gets an Amber Alert for a stolen child and the license plate is his full name. So your name is like Zach Paul.

Yeah. And you're a famous meditation expert. Okay. And then during the meditation everyone's like and looks at their phone. Yeah. Abducted child.

Bless this lady, Zach Ryan. Yeah. All right. So let's let's enter the ohm stage. Ohm.

Oh. Yeah. I'm getting it. Can we all silence our phones? The Amber Alert breaks through the silence. Yeah, it's really loud. Why don't we all put our phones in another room? Or another Rome? Sorry, I have to ask.

We're all kidding. Did you steal a child earlier today? Earlier today, I've been on this Zoom with you. Zach Paul is a really common name. But it is your specific call. Yes. And it is your name. And I do see a cage in the background.

And I'm going to need you a cage. Yeah. Really. That's for my dog. It's getting really hard to concentrate. Yeah, it is getting hard to concentrate. To achieve nirvana, as he said. I'm going to go ahead and mute you.

Yes. Yeah, I'm not muted. I can definitely see an arm in the cage. Okay. I'm calling the police. Okay. I'm going to send my invoice. Yeah.

All right. Okay. Great work. I think we learned a lot characters were quick quick and the states were slow yeah ten minutes I'll never forget I apologize to you Utah yeah one of my favorites one of the last states alphabetically mmm yeah and in order of when they were established and in order of how many how little Jews And in order of how many, how little Jews there are there. Yeah, how little the population is in general, I believe. Yeah, it's very sparse.

That's right. But it's naturally beautiful. Yes, it's majestic. You got Texas and California real quick, didn't you? New York, oh, that was just right off the bat. Yeah, I forgot who you told. Pennsylvania, Delaware, Wyoming, Wisconsin. You're trying to prove you can do it now?

I just gave you all the answers. When you started rattling them off and Casey just wrote D for Delaware, then MI for Missouri, then you said Mississippi. And he's like, MI. I'm like, this is not going to happen. We're going to be very confused in four minutes. But we got there. Actually, both of you did well.

Yeah, I learned a lot today myself. All right. If you have any more segment ideas, let us know on Twitter, this YouTube video. We're obviously listening. Yeah. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. And if you want more of us, we're on Patreon, patreon.com slash JA.

We'll be back, of course, next Monday. Oh, yeah. Hopefully, we're still in the lab together yeah we will be you borderline live here at this point that's right yeah so we'll be

seeing you next Monday ciao everybody adios that was a Hiddem Original