Segments - 21: The Weiner Game

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

In this episode we discuss blackmail, breaking the ice, and believing in yourself. The big three. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace -- the easiest way to create a website. Go to Squarespace.com/ifiwereyou and use coupon code "Amir" for 20% off. Offer expires at the end of September. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it.

091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Commercial. Why? Because it's annoying.

And yeah, because it's commercial. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com. That's right, Squarespace.com. You know how to build a website, you have to have design skills and coding skills? Yeah, just skills in general. Well, guess what? Now you don't. Yeah.

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can build your own professional uh portfolio website uh online store even you can basically if i were you fan site yeah i don't know and uh if you do create something forward it to us and we'll give you some free publicity for example james tamim created jamestamim.com. Sounds appropriate. Carl Hairdall created carlhairdallphotography.com. Alright. And two lovely ladies created mylesbianfriendshow.com. Log on to that one? Log on to that now? That's a

web series. And you guys can basically create whatever you want and forward it to us, to our email, ifiryshow at gmail.com. If you create it with Squarespace, we will we'll promote it you know free publicity so you get a you get a domain name you get a website you get some free publicity perfect nailed it all right enjoy the show thanks guys if you have trouble and you don't know what to do just listen to jake I'm here to tell you They give some good advice

It's the best that you can get It's the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by them If I were you Whoa! Chill! Very chill. That was Mike Graham. Thank you, Mike. them if I were you whoa chill very chill that was Mike Graham

thank you Mike and this is If I Were You the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir and I'm Jake

and we are this one's gonna be a super fast two minute mini-sode whoa come on no I have to I know

I told you that I had to have dinner at 546 you're telling me right now I told you that I had to have dinner at 546. You're telling me right now. I'm so sorry. You have to have dinner at 546? Yeah. I have a reservation at 546.

Excuse you. I really, and I'm running late. So, okay. Let's just get to the questions. Yeah, it's 630. Hey guys. Fuck, this one's super long, so I'm going to skip it. All right.

Also long. Skip it. Pass. Let's just do like a general. Let's take the break that I like to take right now. Okay. Break, break, break, break, break. Okay. Just the generic. What's like a one, one little. All so long. Skip it. Pass. Let's just do like a general. Let's take the break that I like to take right now. Okay. Break, break, break, break, break. Okay.

Just the generic. What's like a one, one little. Outro song. Time for outro song. And this one is by Chelsea. Hey. No, I'm sorry. This isn't going to be a short episode.

It's going to be a long episode. You know, we've been saying every episode should be 30 minutes long and we never even, we never do that. It would always goes quote unquote long. So maybe we should just start calling them 40 minute episodes i don't like that one bit no because then we start and then we start getting longer and longer i think we always say we're 30 minutes late and then we run 10 minutes late yeah yeah people always we get a lot of emails they're like why you why do you cap it at 30 who's complaining nobody's complaining we just aren't funny enough to talk for an hour I get exhausted I get tired sometimes I'm not funny enough to talk for five minutes straight right it's it is weird

that it's a slightly athletic in that regard like it just feels like we're just gabbing but it really drained afterwards yeah why what are we doing we're not we're not we're not athletes yes we are in some regard if anything podcast is like the hardest sport yeah so i would say i'm i'm good at soccer now for some reason i think sorry jeter oh captain my captain no oh captain my me i have more endurance than you do because i can speak for 38 minutes in a row with trying to be funny the whole time i don't necessarily the all-time record? I think the next Supercut will be us saying, how's that? Yeah. How's that fair?

Yeah, how is that fair? We have a live podcast taping coming up in November in Brooklyn. Yeah, so if you want to see us talk about what heroes we are for recording a podcast, you guys should come out and support us. It's at Littlefield in Brooklyn on November 6th. So if you go to littlefieldnyc.com and search for us on November 6th or if you go to ifireyoushow.com

you can get ticket information there. We want as many people as possible because that way we make the most money. Right. And it's also nice to have a nice support. But I'm saying if we don't if we don't pack the house with like supportive fans

we won't make as much money. Well, here's a real reason that you can come. If we have that show and a lot of people come, then the touring agents that go to that show will say, Oh, we should send these guys out on an actual tour. And then we can come to your cities and meet real people. Yeah, and make even more money. You're so fucking smart. Oh, small.

You petty asshole. I'm pretty. Tell you what. I am a pretty. I quit. How much money do you have now? God. Why did you?

Wow. I'm so sorry. You scolded me. You made me feel small of myself, and I don't appreciate that, actually. It has nothing to do with money. If you quit, you Jew. Will you give me? You little Jew.

You can say that because your father is Jewish, but your mother is not Jewish. I think my father being Jewish, he would be mortified if he were to be calling you that. Luckily, he supports me so little, he'll never hear this or any other endeavor that I accomplish. How's that, Dad? You think Jew? No, I'm just joking. We obviously have enough money as is. We don't need money.

But it would be fun to have money. Yeah, to have money. I'm never gonna be genuine. I just want that cash. I want that green, that nasty, that gushy stuff. Do we actually make money from this show? Oh, God. We'll talk about it after. It's not

worth even getting into right now. I would love some. Should we explain how this show works? What's the point, right? Might as well dive right into it. Sure. Okay, here we go. Question number one. Nah, it feels weird. How the show works is people in sticky situations email us their problems, and Amir and I do our best to try and solve them.

Though, oftentimes we fail and just succeed at making the person feel like a jerk forever reaching out to us. But that doesn't mean you should not reach out to us, because if you're in a very difficult place in your life, we want to help you out. So that email address is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We get tens of fifties submissions a day. We comb through literally half of them, find the first five, and answer them in order. Wow, that is how lazy we are. Come give us your money at Littlefield next week.

Actually, don't go to the show. Venmo me 30 bucks. That way I don't have to do shit and I still get money. I met my future wife on Venmo. I met my future wife in the About Us section of YellowPages.com. She was a marketing manager. All right. HelloPages.com. She was a marketing manager. Alright, so we got some five really good emails to get there. We're going to give them fake names, but these emails, I assure you, are 100% accurate.

This one comes from someone we'll call Carl. Carl. Carl writes, Hey guys, I got a big problem At our school there's a game where you pull out your wiener And slam it onto a desk Almost every guy does it And it has become something of a tradition

I was in the lead But then some weirdo pervert snapped a pic of my dick And now he blackmails me I can't talk to my parents or teachers about it And all my friends won't help me because they think it's funny What should I do to stop it? I really don't want anyone to see the picture. You're my last hope. Love, Carl.

Oh, no, Carl. There's a game where you pull out your wiener and slam it on a desk. You know, calling it a sort of a tradition really glorifies it to an extent that it does not deserve. He's the only one that plays the game. So far, I'm in the lead. 83 to love. And no one else has even come close, but I guess somebody snapped a pic because he was so honored to see the little Michael Jordan that I whip out that's dominating this game.

The goddamn Will Chamberlain, the Pete Rose, and the Michael Jordan all rolled into one. He wanted an autograph and a selfie with it. Snapped a gram, put it online, and suddenly I feel like a diva and an asshole about it. I don't want to tell my parents. I'm supposed to be a hero. I'm supposed to be the goddamn leader of this game. Nobody's snapping pics of- A lot of penises around school look up to me. The lesser known B grade penises look up to my cock. What a stupid game. And calling somebody else a pervert when you're the one whipping out your penis and putting it on a fucking public desk where people take tests.

You sick fuck. He probably has an STD. Yeah. If you think about it, you should get tested, sir. I mean, you haven't boned anything, but you've at least grinded the head of your dick against some pretty compromising surfaces, I would say. Get some bacteria. You could get some bacteria in there, man.

What are you talking about? You could get some bacteria in there, man. You better be careful, actually. Yo, yo, yo, yo. What's going on with you? There's some drug-resistant strains of diarrhea going around at this point. I'm sorry. Why are you talking like that?

I think this is my syphilis. What? I have syphilis. So that makes you talk like a deep-voiced person? This episode's coming out on Monday, right? Yeah, Monday, September. Don't tell me. 16th.

So at this point, when I'm listening to this episode, I will have possibly gotten the results of my STD test back. Oh, but you don't know what they are now. How long does it take to get results of an STD test? I'm not sure. I haven't been tested in a very long time. There should be an app that makes it instant, I would feel like. Like with the new iPhones, you can get your little thumbprint.

I feel like you should be able to touch the tip of your dick against your phone and it would tell you if you had an STD or not. I sure would like to know. I really would buy that app. Or get like a free app. You don't have an STD because the only person that touches your dick is you. Very funny. Not a joke. Yeah, not a joke. I am the joke.

I'm always the joke. Why are we talking about dicks when I'm the butt? The butt of every joke. So where were we? We were trying to help this guy. Well, we haven't tried to help him yet. Yeah, his friends are trying to blackmail him because he took out his hog and some perv took a photo.

I will say, I think you can come out ahead of this. Depending on how your dick looks. I mean, the thing is, the guy that took the picture of your dick is sort of a pervert and I think you could actually go to your parents or go to your teachers and be like or at least go to your friends and be like hey this fucking weirdo

took a picture of my penis and has a picture of my penis on his phone well you know the game that we play the old touch the dick to the table game you know it's a tradition dad you went to my school oh you started the game did you okay so i'm just living in your footsteps your dick steps your condom steps uh i i really think you could like number one tell people tell enough people and make this guy feel like a weirdo for having a dick pic on his phone of you which he should feel pretty strange about to. Two, catch him, like, you know,

not in front of your friends where it's funny and just have a genuine heart-to-heart with him and be like, hey, I really am uncomfortable with you having that picture. Yeah.

Three, snatch his phone and break it in half, which is probably what I would do. That's what you do after the heart felt like, listen, man, I know it's funny to be like, oh, I got a dick pic of me,

but I really think that'll make me, like, compromise it. Okay. No, here you go. You're right. I'll delete it. Give me your phone.

Go! I snapped it. That was a five S! S! You S! It's already online. You did nothing but break the hardware. Or, like, do your absolute best to get a picture of your other friend's dicks.

And now everybody's on the same fucking page. Yeah, hopefully everyone is still playing this game, this perverted game, the old dick on the table. What a weird game to invent. Yeah, my ultimate advice is just stop playing this game, you weirdo. Yeah, maybe like take up Catan or some shit.

Yeah, Jesus. Like war or blackjack or poker or something. Something where you don't take your dick out. Or volunteer. Yeah, or play games. Yeah, stop playing games and I guess help. Go to a soup kitchen. Our advice is to go to a soup kitchen.

Actually, our advice for everyone. Slap your dick down on a metal fucking shelf next to a vata soup. A five quarter of pea soup. Say, you need a ladle? Yeah. Here's a straw. Here's quarter of pea soup. Say you need a ladle? Here's a straw. Here's a straddle. Straw. Sort of what a dick is.

You think you can cut a dick off at the base and use it as a straw? Oh my god. Is that how the urethra works? That really ruined my day. You're eating pea soup right now. Oh, that fucking seriously. I hate that image so much. Why?

I'm actually depressed right now. What would you use as the tip? Oh, stop it. Oh, my God. The disembodied base or the tip? Yeah. What would you suck on if necessary? What?

I assume the urethra goes all the way down, right? I mean, it wouldn't stop. I think I'm really going to throw up. Oh, my God. He's doing that. Imagine, yeah way down, right? I mean, it wouldn't stop. I think I'm really going to throw up. Oh, my God. He's doing that. Imagine, yeah, yeah, just sucking on it, and there's, like, blood and veins and everything. There's also, like, it's like lukewarm pea soup.

It's not even good. Oh, please don't. Please don't do this right now. You know I hate pea soup, man. Holy shit, you look nauseous of yourself. No, we have to move on. You're queasy? You're homophobic then.

If that makes you queasy, then I think I don't want to be your friend anymore. We answered his question. What's question number two? What would the burner in you say to be like, oh, that would make me queasy to touch a dick? That's not what I said. How dare you? You were talking about a disembodied, chopped in half dick. No, no, no. You said that. Don't not what I said. How dare you? You were talking about a disembodied, chopped in half dick. No, no, no.

Don't turn it into that. The thought of you touching another guy's phallus makes you sick to your stomach. I'll grab your dick right now to show you I don't mind that. He's not doing it, but imagine if he were. So our advice to this guy? Three pronged advice.

Each prong less useful than the last. I think you can go to your teachers. I think you could say, hey, this sick bastard took a picture of my penis. It's this game that all of us play. It's very irresponsible. Or just threaten him with that. Be like, I'm going to tell on you if you don't delete the photo. He will be mortified if you're like, you know what?

I'm actually just going to tell the teacher. I'm as embarrassed as I am to tell a teacher. I'll be more embarrassed if a picture of my penis gets leaked to the whole school. So I'm going to tell a teacher that you took a picture of my penis. That's actually illegal what he did. Believe it or not, what you did was less illegal than what he did. He can get expelled. So if you want to, I would blackmail him with that.

You can blackmail him right back. Take a picture of him taking a picture of your dick because that's the one, that's the most incriminating photo. I mean, this is a big problem in schools right now. So your school's going to really come down on him pretty hard. And the third prong or the second prong of advice is to break his phone and the third is to volunteer at a soup kitchen. Yeah. Always. The third piece of my advice always is volunteer at your local soup kitchen. That's a, at least we're making a positive difference. This is literally the least we can do. Yeah. I'll never go to a fucking soup kitchen. Will you give me $30 a week to tell people to go to a soup kitchen? Will you pay me? Will you pay

me to fill up a room with people that'll make, that I'll tell them to go to a soup kitchen? I really, really don't want to go to a soup kitchen myself, but I would like to help as long as you'll give me money. Let's put a donate button on this podcast where it's like, if you don't want to work at a soup kitchen, you can always just give me cash. Yeah, that's a cool idea. All right, next question.

Real email, fake name. We're going to go with Urkel. Urkel. Steve Urkel. Steve Urkel writes, I just started a new school with people I don't know except for one girl. She chatted me on Facebook a few weeks ago before school started and she told me that she was also going to the same school as me.

I had never met her before she chatted me. We ended up Facebook chatting for a long time and the day school started she made no contact with me even though we had several classes with her. She keeps chatting me on Facebook and text but won't talk to me in real life what should i do should i make the first move or or is it because me or she is too awkward thanks guys um yeah it sounds like both you guys are too awkward you haven't talked to her yet and you just emailed us to ask if you should talk to her. But that's the sort of the phenomenon of like, this generation, which is like people are texting and Facebook messaging and IMing. When you're on a computer, you're very easy and like, you know,

easygoing and natural and outgoing. But then when you actually see the person that you've been chatting with, right, suddenly, I've shared a lot of myself with you. Yeah, but you don't want to actually... And now we have to have the first conversation of our lives. Do I have to shake your hand? I just sort of really poured my soul last night to you. It is so weird, because you'll talk to somebody over using technology, really get to know them. Yeah.

And then when you see them... I mean, this happens to me when I go on Tinder dates. Yeah, well, this is why online dating is so successful. Because when you're on Tinder, it's so easy to be charming and witty. And then when you're at a bar, it's impossible to just walk up to a stranger and tell them that they look attractive to you. But it's also weird when you finally go on that date where you've been talking to somebody for a week. You got to know them over the app. Then you move over to text.

You're planning a date, making jokes, making small talk. And then it's like, go out and meet them. And then you do. And it's like, do I say, hi, my name is Jake. Haven't we gotten past this? It's so weird. Yeah. This sort of phenomenon happened even in our slightly older generation with like AIM.

Yeah, I remember. I'd have like really like long, intimate conversations late at night chatting. 4 a.m. Yeah. 4 a.m. A. 4 a.m. A.I.M. conversations. Things get really real.

And then the next day, it's also like a time of day thing where late at night, you're very open. Imagine how open and easygoing you are at the end of a party versus 9 a.m. the next morning at school. You're like, you can't really put yourself in that mind state. You're trying to finish your homework before class. I don't want to just like, no, no, no. The conversation is over. We don't know each other here.

I don't want to know who you have a crush on now. I will say, I will say that you should probably talk to her because, you know, it's, it's hard when neither person wants to make the first move, but I think she's waiting for you to do it. Just like you're waiting for her to do it. But I would say there's like a love, there's like a thick layer of ice that's hard to break through but once you penetrate it and you get to the frozen water underneath and like you start referencing those old conversations then it's like the floodgates are open so i don't think the ice is hard to break through i think there's just like you know take one swing and it's gonna shatter but there's just like it's just

hello the first the first three to five minutes is a little weird because you don't know what to reference right but just work through it but then once you get to like the point where you guys are It's just hello. That's it. The first three to five minutes is a little weird because you don't know what to reference. Right. But just work through it. But then once you get to the point where you guys are as comfortable as you are online, that's the great zone because you're having cool intimate conversations, but you're also in person about it. Have we been mean to this kid yet?

You know what? Not yet. I'm going to ask for a picture of him. Maybe he has some sort of physical disformity we can make fun of or an emotional stigma about him that we can exploit because as of right now we are being a little bit too friendly you did call him Urkel

that's right, the nerdiest person you can be Urkel a lot of our fans weren't even born when Urkel was invented they think we just made that name up which we did, So if anyone's listening, me and Jake invented Family

Matters. There we go. Question number three. Let's do it. Moving right along. Speed. This is a speed podcast. What do you mean? Sorry, just... Speed podcast. We're in a speed podcast together. We should get shirts

that say, like, we're speed podcasters. Oh, you're wetting your pants. I'm just excited as shit about this speed idea that we have. Hey, rec room. He's wetting the chair. The speed brothers are together again, I feel like, or something, right? We forgot to say we're recording at rec room again. I think people can just hear the difference.

You can tell we're not in a towel cave right now. Yeah, they can just feel it. A cavernous towel apartment. They know. Thanks again, recroom.tv. All right. Here we go. These are all very unique questions.

This is the third one from someone we'll call Stefan Urkel. All right. So different person, but sort of similar to the first one. Just sort of like an alter ego of sorts. Hey, guys. I'm in a band here in London. We're not great, but we're okay.

Our drummer, however, is really bad. He's never played the drums before, and the only practice he gets is at band rehearsals. We recently found a new drummer who is infinitely better than our first one. We don't want to kick the drummer number one out of the band because he's a really good friend of ours, and we don't want to hurt his feelings.

But he can't actually play anything or sing. I'm not entirely sure how he got into the band in the first place, but here we are. Any advice on how to deal with this situation would be hashtag dope. Cheers, Stefan or Kel. Man, that is tough. I do have that question. I also don't know how he got into the band to begin with.

He doesn't know how to play into the band to begin with. He doesn't know how to play the drums or know how to sing, and you invited him to join your band. And you guys are pretty good? Or you guys are okay? You guys are okay, but only because he's bringing them down so much. Imagine how amazing they would have to be, how great of a band they would be for a guy who's never drummed before to be their drummer, and they're still just okay.

He's only bringing down their GPA to a 3.0. He hits a cowbell every nine beats, I think. They must have gotten so many other A's for this F to only bring them down to a GPA of okay. So, this email comes to us from John Lennon in 1963

or some shit. You guys are the Beatles, right? Yeah, a band in London with a drummer that they want to kick out. Pete Best, I think, was his name. We've gone through some sort of time suck. Time warp. We looked up Pete Best because we were like, oh, that sounds familiar. And we found out why Pete Best was kicked out of the band.

Which is actually an incredibly sad story. There's people that, there's Beatles biographers. Streeter would be great at explaining this to us. But here we are reading a Wikipedia, skimming a Wikipedia page and paraphrasing it. Well, what we found out is that it just seemed like Pete Best didn't vibe with the rest of the band. Right, but the subsection was like clothes, drugs, and hairstyle. So I thought like, oh, Pete Best wore weird clothes, had a bad drug problem, and had a weird haircut. When in actuality, it was the opposite.

The rest of the band wore weird clothes, had drug problems, and weird haircuts. And Pete Best didn't want to conform. It wasn't weird haircuts. They all played in suits. They had a specific style for the band. And he didn't want to conform. So they kicked him out. Which is weird, because that does sound like he's just a cool guy.

Like, oh, no, I want to wear my hair the way I want to do it. Oh, do you? Okay, then. And I'd like to, you guys have your outfits. I like, you know, I'm sort of more self-expressed. No, absolutely. We totally agree. You're fired, I think.

You're stoned. And I'm actually just, I'm a good drummer. Picture yourself on a boat on a river getting the fuck away from our band because we want Ringo Starr to be in our little hoopla now. So this, yeah, reading that Wikipedia made me just really dislike the Beatles. I think their music is bad now. Holy shit, that's an unpopular opinion. Suddenly I like Oasis more.

Uh-oh, I'm a Rolling Stones fan now. Someday you will find me. It's the second time I've sounded that song on the podcast, right? And it's somehow getting worse. So what's worse, this guy's drumming or my English accent that I did earlier, like three minutes ago? I think, wait, they said he's only available for band practice? He says he's never played the drums before, and the only practice he gets is at band rehearsal.

We don't want to kick our drummer out, because he's a really good friend of ours, and we don't want to hurt his feelings. I mean, I think you just be honest with him and just be like, hey, you don't know how to play the drums, and we found someone that does. Yeah, this is a band, you know. He probably knows that he doesn't know how to play the drums. Give him something someone that does. Yeah, this is a band, you know. He probably knows that he doesn't know how to play the drums.

Give him something else to do. Make him like your videographer. Or like manager. Manager, yeah. Find one of his other strong suits and try to use that. Yeah, your first role, old drummer, is to find your replacement, someone who's not a complete moron when it comes to drums,

and then fire us because we were actually in charge of forming a band, and we hired you, and you don't know how to play the drums, so clearly you know how we were actually in charge of forming a band and we hired you. You don't know how to play the drums, so clearly you know how to do a better job at forming a band. Why don't you guys all just become accountants? Why don't you join a soup kitchen? Okay, the Beatles already happened. There's not going to be another popular British band. Sorry, guys.

That's not how shit works. It's not cyclical. It's like a one and done thing. Well, it's a little cyclical, but there's already One Direction, so you're good. Every 35 years, one new band. You're out. Talk to us in 2048 or whatever the fuck. All right, so what's our actual advice for this guy?

Be a man. Kick your friend out. It's like a breakup. It's hard at first, but he'll hopefully understand. It's not like he prides himself on drums. I mean, he doesn't know how to drum. Right. And this happens in a lot of bands. There's a lot of rotating band members. You guys are not the first person to have to kick somebody out of a band. Yeah. And odds are you won't become successful, so this won't even be an issue that he'll

be successful. But he won't be like, oh, this band went off and achieved greatness without me. I really hope one day you guys email us and say that you're really successful. That'd be amazing. Actually, you should send us a theme song more than anything else. It's true. With your current drummer and with your new drummer. We'll play one in the beginning and one in the end.

Oh, that'd be fun. And then we can compare and contrast. So yeah, tell you what, let us kick your drummer out. We're going to send us two songs, one with the current drummer, one with the new one. And we'll all just take a vote, alright? Here's a boring question. Why do you say compare and contrast? When you're contrasting, aren't you just comparing?

I honestly... Holy shit, you fell asleep. I hate you. You would hate my Twitter account and my stand-up career. Because it's all that fucking gold. And if you don't like that, then you really are done to me. Compare and contrast. Hey, why do we say compare and contrast?

Oh, a tomato. Compare and contrast this to an apple. What is this? Asshole. Do you want to take your little mid-show break? I'd love to. I love the little break. Yeah we're almost at the 30 minute mark which once

is what we say is the end of the show but not really so we can take that little break and then come back for one last question Any more Burning Man stories you want to regale us with? I mean there really just weren't any there's no one story. Yeah because Burning Man in itself is a tale

alright it's not like little it's not like little little Voltrons that you add up to create this mega complex. It just it all just is man. It really is a seven day experience. That's sort of like net effect is just positivity. And I really felt like I mean, I was wandering around the entire time. Just be like, this is crazy. This is crazy. Do you want to go back?

Yes, I do want to go back. Did you cry? I wept openly in the temple. Which is? The temple is, uh, God,

how long is this break going to be? Are you talking about the temple for a fucking week? So there's the man, which is the structure of, you know, that's like the iconic, the man that they burned. But there's also the temple, which is, I don't know how they do it every year, but this year they did it without like using any nails. It was just like a giant pyramid. It was, I mean, gorgeous. And on the inside, people write things that they're trying to like let go of.

They say goodbye to loved ones. So there'll be like letters to somebody's passed away mom and like, yeah, yeah. You went to the, the wailing wall in Israel, which is one of the most emotionally powerful real things in the world. And you just,

you started taking the letters out of the walls, the prayers, you were reading them one by one and cracking up. I couldn't understand it. It was all gibberish. It was all, but the thing is, the thing is that that's like, I'm not religious. I mean, I don't believe in God.

So like to see the way- Whoa, mom, turn it up. Turn it up for once. My parents don't know my religious beliefs. So, I mean, it's really cool to see people dealing with loss in a way that like really connected with me and made a lot of sense in my eyes. So more spiritual than religious. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

There was not a single message, or maybe there were, but I didn't see any messages on there that was like, I'll see you in the next life. Although burning a statue at the end of the festival sounds like someone's destroying an idol, which is very biblical if you think about it. It's true. And Moses did come at the end of Burning Man and he threw this two stone tablets down and all of us died. So there's that. Yep. Moses broke the Ten Commandments. Here's a really quick story that I want you to tell.

It's just the guy who hugged you. There was a man who hugged you? Yeah. I was walking to the bathroom one night, and it was some dude just in a... He's wearing some glow-in-the-dark shit with a headlamp. And he's like, hey, can I hug you? And he's just smiling. I don't know what he was on.

He was on Burning Man, man. I was dead sober. And I was just like, yeah. We embraced for, I think, a full minute. Which is longer than you've ever hugged anybody, maybe. Yeah, eyes shut, fucking feeling each other's heartbeats. He pulled me back, just smiling ear to ear. And then when you looked around, he was gone.

That was Jesus Christ. I think that was the man that we burned. You know what? I wasn't bone sober. I was actually rolling on Molly, Moon Rocks and mushrooms. The triple M combination. It turned out instead of eating Clif Bars, I had just been eating Moon Rocks all week. Moon Rocks is the name of an actual drug you ate, right? Yeah. Well, Moon Rocks is, yes. All. Alright. Back to the show. Don't eat drugs, kids. Don't eat drugs. Friends don't

let friends eat drugs. Mercy. You did it. You gave in. Alright, question number four. This one comes from a lady. We'll call her Laura. Laura Winslow. My friend just lost her virginity on a first date with a guy she met on Tinder in his car. Now my girlfriend is jealous that we friends has already had sex and we still haven't.

We both want to, but can't ever find a special secret place. Where should we go for our first time? So now, where should we go for our first time? So now, where should we go to get private time to have sex? What should my friend do with her Tinder boy? Any advice about first times at all? Thanks, Laura.

So, we both want to, but we can't find that special secret place. I assume she means her vagina? No, this is so bad. You did this. You guys, if you're this dumb, don't use Tinder. Although now that I'm thinking about it, English just might not be their first language. Okay, so what's happened?

Which is what I call dumb people. If you were smart enough to be born in America, you wouldn't have this problem. How's that for Burning Man? One of their friends used Tinder. Yep. Met a guy. Yep. Lost her virginity on the first date in a car.

That's right. Which sucks. Why? That's not where you want to lose your virginity. It should be at least an SUV. Even if it's a car, at least make it with somebody you care about. Not Tinder. I mean, I feel awful that this is some way connected to me suggesting people.

Some way? Every way connected to you. I totally advocate using Tinder to get fucked, because getting fucked feels good. Fucking feels good. Sex number two through 400. Be safe. Don't. Ah, shit.

Your virginity is important. I lost my virginity in a nice way. Did you? No. You lost it in a terrible way. Yeah, we're not talking about that on the podcast. You don't feel too comfortable talking about that? I'm comfortable talking about a lot of shit on the podcast. Let's leave my virginity out of it. That'll be episode

100. When we finally run out of shit to say. Finally don't get any more emails. By the way, we really do appreciate the emails. And that email address again is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And if you can imagine, I think I actually lost my virginity in a worse way than this girl did in the car on a first date with a Tinder guy. Yeah, I would say so. Just knowing that story.

But I think, I guess like my advice to you guys where your question is, how do we find a private place to lose your virginity? It sounds like you're very young. If you don't already have like a bedroom where your parents aren't going to come in or an apartment or something. If you're not self-dependent enough to not have parents around or your own place, then you shouldn't be old enough to have sex. I mean, I don't know because people do lose their virginity. In high school. Yeah.

I mean, if you feel like you're ready, I'm not going to say, just. If you feel like you're ready, odds are you're not. And if you can't find a special secret place, then odds are you're not old enough. Don't have sex, kids. Should I pry more as to you telling your virginity story or are you really not going to tell it? It's not going to happen. I won't tell it. Regardless of how much I beg.

I think I would not do it. Can you at least make something up so people at least think they heard it? Because otherwise I feel like we're really blue ballsing them. I don't mind blue ballsing them. Give us one little thing. Just so we don't feel like we're teasing something and it's just never

going to happen. One anecdote. One part of it. Honestly, no. Not even where it was, how old you were, the name and age, the social security number of the girl. It was my friend's basement. That's all I'll say. Okay, that's fine. Friend's basement.

Kind of sad. Not the saddest detail, but at least you're giving us something. We really appreciate that. All right, good. Tell you what, though. I'll tell my virginity story if you tell yours. That's the one way I'll do it. Really?

No, actually, because you might do it. No. Because yours is boring as shit. I feel like I don't even know yours, but I could imagine it's like, oh, it's to my college girlfriend in our freshman dorm room. That is painstakingly accurate. Bullseye. Not even the red bullseye.

The green inner bullseye. Holy shit, how'd you do that? You sniped it. Should we do one more question even though we're at the 30x mark? Yeah, let's do it. Alright, last question. This one comes from what's his face? Waldo Faldo.

Waldo Faldo? Yeah, Waldo Faldo. What's up you two penis connoisseurs? I've had a thing with this girl for a little while now and it's gotten to the point where I think the relationship was going to be boosted up a notch she had feelings for me for a while and I was starting to get serious feelings for her

but an ex of hers who she still has feelings for texted her telling her that he had feelings for her again and now she's taking time to decide which guy she wants to be with me or bitch boy over there my question is how do I make sure that she picks me over that

bitch tit thanks fellas are you sure you're not the bitch tit dude only bitch tits use the word bitch because you did call his penis connoisseurs and then you called that guy a bitch boy and a bitch tit and you just sort of sound like an asshole so what's the answer? I also, like, he said feelings so many times in that email. Yeah, he had feelings for her, then she had feelings for her ex who ended up having feelings for her, and now she has to decide who she feels for more. And I kind of feel like he's a bitch tick,

to be honest. If a girl was choosing between me and another guy, there's no way I would even stick around to hear what that decision is. Yeah, I think that makes you a bitch tick. She's like, I have to decide. And you're like, okay, cool. I hope it's me. I really want it to be me.

What can I do? Yeah. How desperate do you have to be? Because then, like, what if she does choose you? And it's like, all right, I've chosen you. And you're like, all right, cool. I really resent the time that you spent deciding. What were you, like, weighing out?

What was a con that I had and a pro that he did, for example? Also, why did it take you so long? I think that like you, no. As soon as she's like, I have to decide, you're like, I can make it really easy. I'm not an option anymore. Choose me. Although now that I think about it, it's not as crazy as it sounds. Like when you are starting to date someone, she in theory is making that decision internally.

Maybe there is another guy and she's choosing you over him. Right. But I think it's like it's rude to let that be known. When you're starting to date someone, you're both deciding like I decide I like you. I decide I like you. I'm going to let go of other things in my life. And you don't have to like bring that stuff up and like publicly weigh it out. Right.

Make it turn it into like this weird contest. Right. Make it, turn it into like this weird contest. Right. The fact that it's like, and also this, this is like her bringing up, it's a you versus him. It's not like a you versus me and like being single in my career or school or something. It's dude versus dude. Right. I mean, which makes a lot of sense.

I understand people now, like, oh, I don't know if I can get into a relationship right now. I'm like really busy with work. I'm like, I really like having my freedom because I have that, like those thoughts, you know? Right. You choose non-people over people. Right. But you don't, you don't actively choose humans over other humans.

Yeah. As soon as you're like, all right, I'm deciding between two humans. You're like, oh, you're actually, you're a monster. She is the bitch tit. I don't like this bitch tit one bit. I think she's a bitch boy for this. So you're saying if you were her, if you were him, you'd be like, no, don't, you don't have to choose between me and him. It's not happening. Yeah, you make the decision by removing yourself. Okay, but put yourself even more into his shoes.

Imagine there's a girl that you love so much that you really have a crush on. You've loved for like a year, two years, three years. This isn't putting me in his position because he just said he has feelings for her. Okay,

so you have feelings. The girl you have feelings for the most right now. Right. She's deciding between you and another guy and she's like, I really kind of want to be with you

but I also kind of like him. Would you stick around for that decision? Emotions like really, really complicate things. So it's very easy. but that's why it's so easy to have an advice podcast because like if sure maybe if i were in this situation i really like somebody i would make an exception and my advice would be like you know what if you really like someone you make exceptions but since i since i am like removed from your situation. Yeah. I will say that like you,

she's not the kind of person that you want to like if she's going to make you feel like this. This is like in the world of how it's easy to give advice like, yeah, if you're in a relationship and one of you is going away to college, just break up. Right. Which is good advice, but when you're in it, you never think logically. It's incredibly hard. And this guy's not thinking logically,

which is why I'm going to give advice that you just get out. Find another girl that's not going to decide between two dudes. And you know what? At least publicly. I'll give you the opposite advice. Just go for it. Buy her gifts. Buy her flowers, jewelry.

Get her a fucking sick watch. Be like, do you really want to be with a guy who can't afford to give you a goddamn watch you're a penis connoisseur you really are you're a connoisseur of peen no i would say that i would say don't don't put don't become a contestant in this fucked up reality show that she's constructing yeah there's people out there that will not do this to you. Yeah. Although, this guy seems like kind of a moron. Right. So maybe he should just take what he can get.

That's true. And if that's, uh, even if it's second place in this bitch-tit festival, that's almost good enough than, uh... A silver ribbon for running up. I'd rather finish second than get that DQ for, uh, getting disqualified for starring too early or some shit. So my advice is to stay in this contest because you never know what'll happen.

Terrible. Who's the bitch tit now? You. Okay, fair enough. Now we're definitely out of time. We're at that sweet, sweet ten minute past the time that we never hit mark. Alright. Thanks so much for listening, everyone.

We are still receiving theme song submissions. That email again is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We still have that live podcast coming up on November 6th. You can check it out at our website, ifireyoushow.com. And let's play one more theme song to play us out of here. All right. This one comes from Felcy. She's back. This is our from Felcy. She's back.

This is our first double submission. She already had one before. Thanks again, girl. Let's play this one. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Oh my god. I think I just became depressed in that one second. Yeah, it's weird that I was able to pinpoint it.

Oh my god, I almost choked on water What happened to your voice? I don't know, I guess I'm sad I really am, I'm sad that this is over Oh my god I know that every new beginning comes from another beginning That's a semi-sonic lyric Play the song, you coward

If you have a problem And you're not feeling zen This predominantly Jewish duo They they will clue you in So yo, do you, and seize the cheese and hashtag dope If they were you, they would have made that rhyme So listen to this awesome shit if you've got the time