Segments - 210: Lonely and Horny

Episode Date: April 8, 2016

In this episode we discuss anxiety, manners, and our new show! This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub and BlueApron! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, take in the music. Jewish dudes, people riding with the issues when they haven't a clue what to do.

That's what they're talking about. No matter what the problem is, they'll figure it out. If I were you, it's a male.com. Now listen to the chorus and sing along. If, if I were you, is what I'd do,'s what I'd do, here's what I'd do. If I were you, here's what I'd do, here's what I'd do. All right. Funky. Sweet.

Quirky. A little long. Fine. Well, it was as long as we wanted it to be. I could have cut it off earlier. But did you? Because if you did, then this doesn't really make sense as much of a critique. Yeah, no, I'll keep it all in.

All right. Thank God. That was written by Topher Buckland. Topher Buckland from Los Angeles, California. Love it. Was that a fife in there at the end? That was me on the fife. Whoa, my boy Bloom's on the fife.

I do some light fifery on the side. I didn't know you shredded the fife. I do some side fifery. You fuck with a fife, dude. I fuck with a fife a little bit i'll do like a little bit of side fiffery like on fifth and 55 so like i'm on fifth and 55th fucking with my fife and like that's just for practice so i'm practicing over there yeah on in between fourth and fifth the first i've heard that you fucked with a fife on

fourth and 55 well it's on it's on 55th in between fourth and fifth oh 55th and then between fourth and fifth i'm fucking with the fife i'm practicing fiver no no i don't know fiver why you think i should join five i think you yeah you could you could do a couple tunes and sell them on fiver i could do probably five four or five tunes on fourth and 55th and we can fuck with the fife what the fife the fife the fife? What? The fife? The fife, yeah. Oh, no, you know what? I'm thinking of something else. The guitar. Yeah.

It's a lira. A lira. Thanks to Topher for writing that. Yeah. One of our most impressive, unique aspects of the podcast, I think, is the fact that we start and end every episode with the original song written by our fans. Yeah. And they don't fuck around either.

That was a... I feel bad now that I said it was too long. It was really, really good. So much time and effort. We're taking for granted. And this all stemmed from the very first time we recorded a podcast when we just made up the song In Your Room. Yeah, back in Brooklyn.

Yeah, we were like, maybe people will submit a theme song. That was almost three years ago. I was 29. You were 27. We were young and coquettish. We were full of life and love and wonder and we didn't know what to make of the world

and now we're old and jaded and fat and dumb to make of the world, and now we're old and jaded and fat and dumb. Yeah. I hate the world, and I hate myself, and I hate you. Sorry, mate. I was trying to say it in a nostalgic, positive way. Yeah, you're right. I got dark.

Yeah. This is kind of an exciting episode. It's the it's the episode we're releasing on the day that lonely and horny is officially available yes we're gonna we're gonna release this a little later in the day on thursday borderline friday uh so that it times up that anybody listening can finish this episode or just stop right now really and uh watch the first two episodes that are available for sale on Vimeo. The timing of all of it actually is insane.

Because? Because, all right, so not only is this coming out, this podcast. Wait, explain it to me like I'm five. Okay. So you and I, a duo. You lost me. Okay. Da-da.

You've done that five years. How dumb were you when you were five? I was a slow learner. You were eating crayons. Yeah. So we leave Brooklyn. We're Los Angeles. Yeah.

At that moment, we had a podcast. We had a web series. $20 in our wallets. A credit card and a dream yeah and an idea and the credit card linked to my daddy's account yeah which was more than enough cash my daddy gave you and i both credit cards i love that he did that why because it's just so cool that he's gonna he'll fund both of our was it met was it maximized or was it just carte blanche? You can go ham. Go ham.

He's going to pay off the balance. No worries. That little troll, he's got a bag full of gold. You've got to believe. That little piñata pumpkin man. And we did beat him. Oh, did we beat him until the coins came out. Oh, my coconut of a father.

Oh, we beat that coconut until coins came out. And we swallowed the coins like little Hanukkah gilts. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom. We were sonic that day collecting father's rings. So we leave Brooklyn. Yeah. Do you know when we left?

I believe it was December. Of 2013. Of 2013. We moved out to los angeles yeah in april ish or in at some point later that year yeah we left college humor didn't we leave college humor a year from that april i think we're at college humor for a year from that april i feel like we left sometime in the winter but then we like uh rehashed it out with them to end the series. But we ended a year ago. We're describing two years ago.

Right. Jesus Christ. So April 2015 is when we decide. Yeah, April 2015. Is when Jake and Amir ends. I guess I shouldn't have convoluted the story with when we left Brooklyn. Yeah, that was unrelated. You asked me the date, though.

Yeah. All right, so we leave Brooklyn. Yeah. We're in Los Angeles. Correct. In April of 2015, we leave College Humor. Yes. One year, I think to the exact day, is when we are launching our new web series. And it just happens to be on the day that we return to Brooklyn for a show. Oh, right. Friday, Thursday, April 8th. If you're listening to this, this show is going on right now. We're about to go on stage. Well, that's when it posts.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. We're recording in our living room or our studio in Los Angeles. And this is actually playing in a courtroom in the year 3582. I was future murdered. That's right. There was a future crime, as we call it in the future. My great, great, great godson committed treason.

Try aside. Against Trump's states of America. God, I wish. Could you imagine? And I think everything we start is around April or May, because I think the first Jake and Amir videos were also around then. Yeah. There's something about the weather getting nicer that sparks creativity was it may too yeah may and the website no one

wants to do shit in the winter i'm not like creating shit in february well we did shoot lonely and horny in uh in december yeah it was cold it was cold we came up for the idea of it in the summer yeah okay so start over warm think when we're warm. Think when we're warm and then when it gets cold, we hibernate our brains, walking around, eating and drinking, but not really doing

anything constructive. Sleepwalking. So if you're at all curious, if you pre-ordered Lonely and Horny, you can watch the first two episodes. There's a chance,

enough for us to announce it right now, that for 24 hours, Vimeo is going to release the first episode of lonely and horny for free for a day on our on their tumblr i think that's what it is if you are one of those people who is broke or if for some reason you don't trust us at this point the trailer was 200 episodes of our podcast uh-huh you don't trust us to make good content you could watch the first episode and

if it leaves you wanting more uh i think then you'd have to start paying so the first one is free for 24 hours on vimeo's tumblr i believe and if you subscribe and if you or if you buy the season then you can immediately watch the second episode as well and then next week is the next two but the first one is the only one that will be a little free teaser. Number one is a teaser for 24 hours. Number two is still off limits unless you bought it. Yeah. And we hope you watch it and we hope you like it.

We can't be more proud of it. Milana and Ben Rogers are in the first episode. Yeah. Along with you and a bunch of other funny people in the classroom, which we'll get to later. You gotta, you gotta check it out. It's gotta start somewhere

and then build to something even better than that. But if you're listening, then it's available right now. So go check it out. Yeah, and let us know what you think. Unless you don't have a kind thought, in which case I don't think I could handle that kind of... Yeah, I don't even need neutrality right now.

Yeah. I can't have like, that was a pretty good... I'm sorry I said neutral. I'm not even fucking with B pluses at this point. I really need an excellent mark. I deserve an Emmy Oscar. We were snubbed yet again for a Webby in our final season. I think we're going for, in terms

of Lonely and Horny, we should go for a We Got. What's a We Got? That's when you get a Webby, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. Wowony wow yeah technically it's just an egot but i'm adding w to it because that's the only one we're actually in the running for right well i don't we've been snubbed almost every single year for the webbies and the tony's yeah i haven't been i mean i was nominated for avenue q i uh co-wrote a lot of the sheet music well you got and you were best female performer.

Yeah, for Miss Saigon. Little Miss Saigon. What does that one call? How does that song go? The heat is on in Saigon. Nice. The heat is on in Saigon. Forget I asked.

What? I don't want to know anymore, man. There's still 11 minutes, plus a reprise. A reprise. Let's get a prize. And what is the prize? i'll tell you right now uh it's the beginning of this episode what is this podcast it's an advice show uh people will email us their conundrums they're in sticky situations at a crossroads and they're

seeking guidance from a third party or in our case a third and fourth party unfortunately for you guys we are life i want to say coaches mentors genii at this, we are life, I want to say, coaches, mentors, genii. At this point, we are genii. We've read it all, we know it all, and we can inform it all. We got it all, and we got it now. It's a commercial, right? It's like a Burger King commercial. Yeah. Anyway, if you guys wanted to have it your way, that email address is ifiwreshow at gmail.com. We usually hand select some questions. But since we're hitting the road, we're sort of saving the best questions for our road shows.

Yeah. So we thought we should go a little random today. Oh, you know what? We didn't do the Game Boy. But also, I think in the inbox, there were a couple questions that I felt like weren't silly enough for live questions. Oh, but still good enough. Like a little real oh how do i find those questions if you go to two answer we label everything to answer yeah one answer two answer and three answer so far nothing has had one or three answers it's all to answer very nice so which one of these would you say are good? You said they're all good.

I say they're all moved to two answers. For a reason. All for you to consider. Okay. So let's read one out loud and say if you would have normally considered it. Okay. Give me the title. Girl sending mixed signals while dating someone else?

Cool. I wonder why I wanted to answer this. We'll find out reading out loud i must have a million questions in my inbox right now i'm not talking about the little wayne record the little wayne record is called a million emails in my inbox uh i'm just talking that i'm the hottest female rapper for the record rhyming record with record that's fine it's a slant rhyme nikki minaj can do that um I'm not talking about a single song. That's not necessarily the line. I just, as I hear it and remember it,

can you hear right now? Can you all disappear right now? That's not even the next line at all. That's just another line from that song. Yeah. Alright. Ready for this one? Sure. Nicki Minaj writes, or is this a guy? No, it's a guy. We'll say Drake. Okay. Drake writes,

Hey dudes, love the show. Anyway, here's my problem. I'm 16 years old in high school and after lunch every day, I sit with a group of people in this lounging place we have at our school. I always tend to get there before everyone and this girl, we'll call her Rose, is there too. She is dating one of the people I eat lunch with, but she has been flirting with me a lot lately and nervously glances at me from time to time. But she immediately stops when her boyfriend arrives, of course, and acts like I don't exist. I can tell when someone likes me, especially the way they look at me. And let's

just say she might meet the criteria. She has sometimes even shown it by accident in front of her boyfriend. So my question is, do I confront her about this? Or do I let things play out and see what happens with her and her boyfriend? She has even called me cute and often gets upset when I don't sit next to her before her boyfriend shows up. What the fuck? I'm not the biggest fan of playing games with people, so I want to be upfront and honest with her. Feel free to make fun of me in whatever wild way you come up with, but please don't forget to give me some advice so I can figure out this flirting fanatic.

Todah! Oh, and then he gave the fake name Crayon Noodles, which is pretty funny. Nice. Yeah. I don't think I moved this to the inbox. Oh, this was just, it found its way there either through me or happenstance. Yeah. What do you think?

I guess my instinct is to not steal your friend's girlfriend, especially if you all sit at the same lunch table. Yeah, that's a big deal. It really messes with the group dynamic. That's the lunch group dynamic. That's the most important dynamic. Doesn't this always happen in high school? And I guess life in general?

The lunch group? Someone just like, in a group of people, two people are dating, and then there's sort of like chemistry between that, like a member of that couple and somebody else. And then something bad happens, and then everybody has to choose sides, and you guys are not friends anymore. Yeah. It's hard because when you're a teenager, your hormones, I think, are the loudest, or at the very least, the rate of change is the biggest. It goes from nothing to extremely high. So you're like, who should I fuck?

Who do I want to hook up with? Who am I having masturbation dreams about? And then you see them and you're freaking out. You don't know how to act because you're 16. Eight years ago, you were an eight-year-old. You don't know what the hell's going on. You have no life experience. You turn from a toddler to this teenager, this half-formed, greasy adult.

And you're like, should I fuck her? Does she want to fuck me? What does fucking even mean? Let me try kissing first. Oh, my God. Now, when I touch my dick, it gets hard. And now I'm coming. What's porn?

Is porn normal? Is anything normal? Am I freaking out? Or are you just, are you going to sit there? Are you flirting with me? I don't know. Yeah, wow. She definitely doesn't like you if that's you.

Yeah. Well, those are just millions of micro thoughts racing through his mind. Of course. And then he's also like, hold on, I have to go to pre-algebra or algebra two and find out this, that, and the other. And then you're like, which one do I prioritize? Do I want the girls or do I want to figure out what sine, cosine, tangent means? A lot of crazy things happening in your life. So one way to simplify is to not get involved with a girl who has a boyfriend yeah and it feels like you don't want

to do that because this girl likes you and that is usually pretty pretty nice but in my experience i've definitely not I guess like I've been friends with people for a really long time like my friends who I was friends with when I was 16 I much more value our friendship and being close with those guys than I do value like the people I hooked up with or dated when I was 16

friendships really relationships in high school value like the people I hooked up with or dated when I was 16. Right. Friendships really like... More precious. When you... Relationships in high school, sometimes, you know, they are crazy and they really work out and you're a high school sweetheart and you're meant to be and all that stuff. But most of the time you have kind of meaningless, dumb relationships where you learn in high school of what you like, what you want in the future. But your friendships that you have in high school,

sometimes they really last a long time. Right. And I've definitely lost touch with guys over girls that I wish I didn't. Oh, interesting. And I don't think I've ever lost touch with a high school girlfriend that I wish I didn't. So you're saying prioritize friendship over other sexual relationships.

Yeah. Or at least prioritize not destroying a friendship for uh hookup it's hard because when you're 16 you don't go out and meet people like friends is everybody it's like if i don't hook up with a friend i'm not fucking going out to a bowling alley and meeting somebody. But maybe there's a friend group that you could hook up with another one of the girls in this group. Or you can at the very least just patiently wait until they break up. Twiddling your thumbs. You can even ask that girl to set you up with someone. And that'll really light a fire under her butt.

Oh, you say, can I tell you a secret? This is on AIM Late Night. So it's very exciting and illicit. I have a crush on someone. AIM Late Night. This guy doesn't even know. He's 16 years old. Sorry, this is Snapchat.IM late night. So it's like very exciting and illicit. I have a crush on someone. AIM late night. This guy doesn't even know. He's 16 years old. He has no idea what we're talking about.

Sorry, this is Snapchat. Snapchat. Snapchat late night. I have a crush on someone. Do you promise not to tell? She's fucking freaking out. She's hoping to got you. He says her.

And then it's not. And then you say somebody else. And then she's like, I don't know why you like that girl. I don't think she's that cool. That's perfect. That ruins two friendships. Exactly. Then we're back to even.

An eye for an eye. Leaves the whole world wearing dope-ass eye patches. And I am the king, the man with three eyes. I have two and then my little brown eye. What about your penis eye? Then I have four eyes. What about your third eye on your forehead that you're supposed to... So I have no eyes,

one eye on my forehead, my brown eye, and my penile eye. I'm back to three eyes. Your brown eye and your penile eye. Yeah, and the land of the blind, the man with three eyes is queen. So that's our best perspective as somebody

quite literally twice your age. Chill out. Fair enough. Easy for us to say. You know how that should go. You know how that should go. You know how that should go. If this comes out on Thursday, we could still talk about our boston show on saturday that's true if

you're listening to this there there's still time to purchase tickets to the boston and new haven show on saturday and sunday yeah uh those are going to be fun shows boston's a saturday night and sunday uh allison williams will be of this in new haven what's up um this one is a a question about new Haven. Really? It was about the murder rate in New Haven and Berkeley. Do you remember that one? Oh, kind of. I think I just flagged it so we could talk about the show in New Haven,

which we already did. Perfect. It said that New Haven was a dangerous city, but really it depends on where you are, guys. It's very nice. Some of these... Okay. All right.

All right. This is a lady's question called swinging. Okay. Does that sound familiar? Nope. Oh, interesting. But maybe it will be. So Nicki Minaj writes.

Very well. So I'll get right to it. I work at a sex club and I'm on quite a few swinging websites. I met a guy on one of the websites and we really hit it off. We started dating and we're really similar people. Both love to read, both quite liberal, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, we weren't exclusive and everything was casual because we met on a swinging website. However, he met someone else who said he had to choose and she didn't want him seeing anybody else, so he chose her. He said he really liked me, but he decided that he wasn't really comfortable with the whole swinging thing. I told him that I wouldn't mind giving up swinging and that I was sad, but I understood. But it doesn't end there. Less than a week after he dumped me, he texts me saying he made a mistake and wants to see me again, so we'd start up again behind his girlfriend's back. At this point, I've already decided to stop swinging because I forgot how nice it was to

have a boyfriend before we started hanging out. The trouble is, I know I shouldn't see him behind his girlfriend's back, but I really want to. I kind of want to sleep with him just once to remind him what he's missing, then say goodbye in hopes that he'll change his mind and choose me. Is that a terrible idea? Am I a bad person? Is there any chance at this point that he'd choose me love the show and thanks for the uh so much for the advice sorry for the long email love nikki minaj that is a terrible idea i'll tell you why because she wants to have sex with him one more time to show him what he's missing and he wants to have sex with her one more time to get it out of his system. So your plan will 100% backfire.

Yeah, it's like, I promise. I'm going to fuck you. And then, oh, OK, thanks. Bye. Like, wait, now you know what I can. You're already calling an Uber. Shit, come back. Don't you want it again?

Yeah. There's a chance that he wants it just once. Right. Which is bad anyway. Yeah. There's a chance that he wants it just once. Right. Which is bad anyway. Yeah. I mean, you shouldn't, even aside from the fact that like, you shouldn't help break up this relationship. You don't want to be the other girl.

I mean, just on its face, just plan wise, this will not work. This is such a sticky situation. Somebody chooses somebody else and then he says i regret it but not so much that i'm gonna break up with this girl instead can we cheat on her together he doesn't regret the decision to be with that person he just sort of is sad that he can't swing anymore yeah he wants his cake and to fuck it too yep i feel like we just flagged this thing because we thought it was about swinging the app that we like so much oh yeah, yeah. P.S. My high score is 61, which is pretty good. That is good.

Yeah. That was before they did the two points for the double jump, right? Yeah. Now they're getting like exponential. Like, it's a climbing scale. If you get two perfects in a row, it's two, then three, then four, then five. That's ridiculous. I mean, the game's changed.

Sorry if I consider myself a classic. I don't think there should be three points in the NBA. Why did you update it? Why did you update? You ruined it. They jumped the carp. They mean, the game's changed. Sorry if I consider myself a classic. I don't think there should be three-pointers in the NBA. You should have never updated. Why did you update? You ruined it. They jumped the carp. They absolutely jumped the carp. They had a perfect game going. They did.

Swing is officially my space. Are college rumors ever going to sue us for the little things that we've been doing? Like today when we did our Facebook live stream. Oh, yeah. We did a Mickey bit. Right. I don't think... Can they sue us for that, though?

No. Okay. No, they probably would just say we have to stop. I mean, I stole like six Aeron chairs when I left college. They should sue me for that because that's probably close to $2,500 worth of just office merch that I pilfered from the office.

I remember that. That was not okay. I put them in a box, and as I was carrying them out, somebody asked me what was in the box, and I said, it's my MacBook Air. You also posed as Ricky online and ordered a bunch of stuff. Yeah.

I also phished Barry Diller. You did? Yeah, I was chatting with him online, and I asked for his social security number and his credit card number. Right, right. And he gave it to me because I said it was an emergency. You actually have Barry Diller's soc. Yeah, I do have his soc. What are you actually have barry diller's soch yeah i do have what are you gonna do with that i don't know i have no idea what to do like what do you do when you have someone so much well what is it how what can you

do with a soch uh you could use his soch to sort of like register to vosh oh really yeah so i registered a vosh with his soch yeah and i'll be like tet kroch yeah who do you think barry diller is voting for there's only so many billionaires in america what let's say there's like 80 or so who do you think majority of them are voting for it's interesting because you would think republicans because the republicans sort of tax them the least yeah but also they i feel like if you're a billionaire you're involved in such a complex tax system and like all your money is probably offshore anyway right uh that you that you might not care i don't know i guess i feel like i feel like uh not bernie sanders not hillary but neither trump i think he's abstaining really i don't don't think he's going to vote this election.

But maybe we can find out what he's registered as. Let me look it up. Oh, you know what? No, he's going to vote for Hillary or Bernie, I think. Oh, really? Because he's married to an artist. Yeah. And he was sort of like in the film world. He's a little more artsy.

All right. He's a little liberal. Yeah. Don't move on. I regret asking the question to begin with let alone how much time we've spent on it fair it doesn't matter to most people you could google it who is barry tiller voting for i could just use his social if there's a website that goes oh right what's your social and then who should you vote for what's your that's a good one for when we plug squarespace

what's your how do you how would you spell social though soc i was to spell it S-O-I-C-H-J-E. That's better. That's definitely not better. All right, we're halfway done. Take a break. Thank one more sponsor. Back after these words. Back at us again with the white van.

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Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name

through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squ of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. Yeah, what were we talking about? You're crying, man. Wow wow we had a pretty fucked up break actually we were on a break we were on a break friends uh anything to talk about besides what we've already have been uh besides just the the mere fact that lonely and horny the thing we've been promoting promoting promoting for the last like month or two yeah and Horny, the thing we've been promoting, promoting, promoting for the last month or two. Yeah, and working on for the last 10 to

12 months. I guess this is an exciting aspect of the promotion because now it's just not telling you about it and telling you to pre-order it. We're telling you you can watch it. Watch this shit. So I want to say that one more time in earnest. You can watch episodes one and two of Lonely and Horny right now at vimeo.com slash lonely and horny.

Yeah. I really like these first two episodes. My god, they're so good. Yeah. I'm a big fan too. Not just Milana and Ben Rogers, all of our friends in the classroom. Julian

Vogel killed it as Susan in episode two. Who's reprising her second video since Jake and Amir auditioned. Did she play as Susan in that? You know what? Or did we ever talk about her name? I don't know if we ever talked about her name. I actually think her name in that was Anu because we wrote the part for Anu.

Oh, interesting. And then we discovered when Anu couldn't do it that Jillian knew how to act too. Anu too. Jillian can act too yeah uh so please please please uh check him out first two episodes very exciting uh and if you are in boston and you're you're living near the wilbur theater come on by because tickets are still available for that show on saturday very true uh you want a game boy these last questions or two? Because... I thought you'd never ask. Oh my god.

That is right. I am the Game Boy. He's returned. And the game has changed. How so? I now allow myself the opportunity to use two words as I search. I didn't know that that was a rule to begin with. I'm not sure it ever was.

But the Game Boy dictates the rules. Okay. Because the Game Boy rules. And. Because the Game Boy rules. And these are the Game Boy's rules of the game. All right. The rules haven't changed. The rules are the same. The rules are always that the Game Boy dictates the rules.

Search the first Pandora's box. I am the Game Boy. Pandora's box? Yeah, Pandora's box. I am the Game Boy. Pandora's box? Yeah, Pandora's box. I like the idea of... I want to unearth some shit, like a Pandora's box of problems or a house of cards or something like that.

We got three questions. Nice. One of which is just an application to work for us. So we could skip that one. Cool. Well, you know, this summer we are going to be looking for interns. We're not going to promote that yet, but heads up. The two options are two rude dudes getting crude with food.

Or, I can already tell you're going to want this one, orgasm problems. I really do want orgasm problems. Let's see what he's at. Let's see what this guy says. If we've got time, we can answer them both. All right. Maybe we can do both. Let's start with this one and see where it leads us.

Okay. This was written on March 23rd, 2015. Oh, almost a year ago. Mm-hmm. Hey, guys, I found myself in a sticky situation I hope you can help me out of. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost two years now.

Before we started dating, she told me that no guy was ever able to give her an orgasm and that it was impossible for her to get one. Being quite experienced at what some would call finger banging, I knew I could find what sets her off

and was feeling quite confident, even though she told me I wasn't the first guy to tell her that. Being the boss that I am, after just two months of hooking up, I had given her her first orgasm. Right? Or amazing, right?

Wrong. Now I feel like I've opened a Pandora's box. Oh, wow, good pun. And whenever we have sex, she always wants to orgasm. I love giving her pleasure and all, but it takes up to 45 minutes for her to come sometimes. And I'm not always in the mood to flick her bean for that long. I've got shit to do. You know what I'm saying? I tried telling her that she didn't, uh, and she said she didn't mind, but I find out that whenever we have sex and she doesn't come, she gets afterwards what should i do are my finger blasting skills more of a curse than a blessing

thanks love the show this is a great question yeah it's a great question uh that was from little wayne see the third guy in that song yes uh so this guy, some ladies are different in every way, and this lady takes a while. Right. And he's like, I'm down to do it sometimes, but I can't do it always. It's too much. It maybe hurts his fingers or wrists. He's not always in the mode or mood. It sounds like he gets a little bored.

Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. But it's a very complex question. It's a sticky situation indeed. I guess I really, this is fucking hard. I don't know what to say. Would you, I want to say like, would you, how would you feel if the tables were turned? And it took you 45 minutes to get off.

Yeah. how would you feel if the tables were turned and it took you 45 minutes to get off yeah i think i wouldn't be mean to somebody who was like i'm too tired to do it because it takes you so long right you might feel bad i here's this is another aspect of this question a little wrinkle oh i think there's a chance that um he might be projecting that like he didn't get her off. So now she's like, oh man, you're probably going to be upset or you're going to be moody. And maybe she's not, maybe it's,

it really is fine. So there's that. Yeah. But what if she is mad? Do you sit her down and be like, listen, babe. Well,

he already told her that he's, that he didn't think he could do it every single time. And she said it was okay. So you want to sit her down and be like listen babe well he already told her that he's that he didn't think he could do it every single time but she said it was okay yeah so you want to sit her down and be like listen i know i've already sat you down once i know you said it was okay but it's i feel like it's not you're mad at me like i feel like this guy has a has the leverage like she's either gonna get it sometimes or not at all like she's got to take what she can get at this point. If no one else has been able to do it... Right. I mean, I guess you... I mean, theoretically, there should just be a balance. It's true that it's more complicated for women to have orgasms. Yeah. And I've also heard, not a woman which we should have had a girl on to answer this question right uh but you're not a woman but you do crush a lot yeah y'all know uh but i've

heard that like sex is pleasurable for women even when they don't orgasm yeah that's what i heard too and sure it sounds like that's what women tell to console guys that can't get them off definitely sounds like something that guys want to be true. So I'm cool to believe it. Yeah, along the lines of like, don't worry, it doesn't matter how you perform. I still like you anyways. Right, or like the size of your dick. It doesn't really matter, just how you use it.

Yeah. And other nice lies. Oh, yeah, like them lying about coming at all. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, don't worry. I'm still enjoying getting you off. Actually, if you guys are listening to us talk and you're interested in the female orgasm, this podcast ended its run.

But go back and listen to How to Make Me Come. Yeah, which is just females talking about orgasms. Yeah, so they are shedding way more light on this information than two dudes ever can. All we can do is answer the question, if I were you. If you were you, and you are you, what would you do if you were you? I feel like from my personal experience, I've not like had sex where I came before the girl and I felt really bad. Loser! And I said like, sorry. You two bumer. And I said, like, sorry.

You two pumped chump. Yeah, right, dude. You two cut nuts. Cut this out of the podcast, actually. What? I always fuck till they nut. And then what? And then I apologize for even saying that.

So I came and then I apologized and they said it's fine and then i just still feel bad about myself sure so so that like i i just i feel like that attitude can sort of uh cast a shadow over the entire experience so there's a chance that uh because you feel guilty you think she feels worse than she does yeah Yeah. But that's probably still something that's worth sharing with her. Like, I can't help it. I still feel guilty when I don't get you off. So let her either say, yes, you are right to because I've been trying to make you feel guilty or like quell your fear even further i think i'd probably bring it up with the caveat of being like this might be me totally inventing something in my head but i still feel guilty when i don't get you off yeah are you

mad at me in any way when i don't i'm sorry that it takes the time and energy of a spin class to make you fucking orgasm but i don't have that kind of time every night cheryl we're watching oj till you fall asleep and then what it's's time to get Randy at one. I'm up at 630. And sure, I still expect a morning blow, Jay. As an alarm clock, you gave me a 10 free coupons for my birthday. I've only cashed in eight. And that's the rub that you, if you have the expectation that you still get to have sex and get off as much as you want, and she just is a little more inconvenient, then i think that might be a little bit of a problem it's a double it's a doubled standard i guess the the final answer is that it sounds like you guys had the discussion

but you're not quite done discussing it yet continue discussing yeah um do you want to see what this other discourse about the intercourse needs to be Morse. Morse what? Oh, in Morse code? Yeah. So it'd be like... Correct. Got it.

Should we try to answer one last Pandora's box question? I mean, I'm down, but if you want to be a Game Boy 2, then I respect it. Because it is the Game Boy. Yeah, maybe I'll be a Game Boy 2 because this might respect it. Because it is the Game Boy. Yeah, maybe I'll be a Game Boy 2 because this might be a long question and not very good.

All right, good. I'll say, oh, I think I did this last time. So I won't do it. Did I do vitamin C? I don't think so. Not that I remember anyway. Vitamin C, I'll search it. This is going to be a really boring question

about how many oranges this guy should eat. Wait a minute. Did you do it? One of the questions is the same question from Pandora's box. And I'm thinking it's probably because I skimmed it and saw the word vitamin. So I'll choose another one. That is interesting. Loud ass chewer. Right. that's what you searched

no I searched vitamin C that's the name of the email so it first started out with tangerines I wonder how he gets there so it first started out with tangerines we were at my house and we had the munchies and I gave him a tangerine while we were watching TV and expected him to sit quietly and enjoy

those delicious vitamin C wedges. But my sweet television program was deserved with what sounded like some real hardcore dick eating. And I couldn't laugh, but it was the loudest, most terrible thing I've ever heard. But this Black Friday, we were all sitting on a hill and smoking some Murray Winers and he wanted to go to McDonald's. So I drove him there and he ordered two burgers, fries a mcflurry the goddamn post-giving day feast was 30 minutes of hell what should i do i feel like as a good friend i should warn warn him that he sounds like he's choking on a dick when he's eating so his future honey's pussy won't shrivel up like a dry raisin when they hear it thanks so this is an example of a question we might not have chosen on natural

i would have loved this this guy is so even though he's sort of a dumbass it's so nice that he's like my friend chews so loud i'm worried that he won't get laid yeah i'm worried about his future freaking wife her i'm worried about her pussy being dry yeah the way he chews dude you're gonna be at your fucking wife's cousin quinceanera you can't be fucking chewing with your mouth open like that dude slice open your wedding cake and then eat a bite and you'll be like and everybody there is gonna be like leave him dude like do you even know which one is the salad fork i feel like i have to teach you some real etiquette lessons dude dude that's crudite you can't use the freaking butter knife to cut a steak bro or from the outside in dude when she walks into the room even if it's her mom you stand up bro oh do you even

know how to pair wine that's a dessert wine you. You're drinking an aperitif. You should be ordering a digestif with that, bro. Jesus, man. You think that heavy-bodied red is going to pair well with fish? I mean, come on, man. I feel like you've never even partaken in a waltz-to-waltz cotillion. Look at my feet, dude. One, two, three. One, two, three.

It's a box step. Come on, dude. Let me teach you how to be a fully grown man come on my dude it's like miss manners but a surfer dude surfer bro yeah always open the door for her great question what if it's a revolving door i go in first but there's two schools of thought all right here so there's one version where you are pushing the door, but then there's the other version where she's behind you. Another thing that comes up a lot is when you open a door for a taxi for your girl. Do you slide in first or do you let her go in first? Rude to make her scoot, dude.

Rude. It's always rude to make her scoot, dude. You got to write a thank you note to the father within three days of the dinner. And I'm talking about business days and I am talking about postmarked. I understand that it'll take a little while longer to get there. Oh, dude, come on. Do you not have your own stationery? What is with you, my man?

It's called being a grown-up 101. Get yourself a wax seal. it really nice thick stock and boss guys gotta know how to cook one nice dinner for his gal and i'm not talking about scrambled eggs dude no here let me show you how to roast a chicken do you have time do you have basil do you have thyme do you have basil do you have rosemary smashed potatoes not mashed potatoes let's keep it crispy dude thoughts on a piccata do you have a meal mallet dude why would you you haven't been to the container store in ages where's your china you little bitch what is this fucking ikea you got 12 for 12 Grow up and grow a pair, dude. Here are all your glasses.

You can put them in the recycling because they're from Target. Target? No way. Go to Pier 1 or CB2. I don't care as long as it's three. So, it's fine that your friend chews a little loud he's probably doing because he's comfortable around you that's what he eats like when he's alone and he's stoned yeah like you and i uh we eat sandwiches over the sink around each other i'm a cookie i i shove it into my closed mouth

like cookie monster yeah it's not it's not good but smashes against your face and the crumbs go everywhere but we should the problem is you get into that habit and then when you're eating around someone you do want to oppress you're still sort of doing that so it is important to learn good habits dude try chewing with your mouth closed just to get used to it brah use a fork and a knife have a napkin after every bite wipe the sides of your mouth drink after you're done swallowing my man create a tight seal around the spoon don't just grate it with your teeth bra it's not a fork so yeah you can just like casually make fun of your friend for the way he

eats yeah or if you're like yeah i have to tell you something yeah it's like dude you chew so loud you like a camel yeah and then he'll he'll make fun of you for saying something but it's like dude you chew so loud you like a camel yeah and then he'll he'll make fun of you for saying something but it'll take like a few friends to pony up before he realizes that like oh now six or seven people have mentioned it and i'm kind of pissed about it he probably knows i mean his whole family says that he chews really loud but he's like doesn't think his friends notice or care yeah once they do then it's like all right i should chill yeah so uh why don't you why don't you have a very light casual conversation make fun of them the way boys do yeah and you might not get the hint right away but eventually the hints will add up yeah i keep on finding little beard hairs on the mic fuzz oh from your old beard yeah remnants Yeah, remnants of the beard. A time of innocence. A time of confidences.

Long ago it was beard. I have a photograph. This is the closing theme song. Preserve your memory beard. It's all that left of beard. That's it. That's the end of this episode. Thanks for listening, everybody.

It was a bonus Thursday, but I think a productive Thursday nonetheless. Yeah. We'll be back on Monday. As always, we are still on tour. As always, please check out Lonely and Horny if you have the time. If you have the dough, please let us know what you think. We're very excited about it. This is it.

Our first web series since Jake and Amir. Our first web series since Jake and Amir, our only web series since Jake and Amir. All we want to do is make this again. And you can help by watching it and telling of it and spreading the word. You guys carry us. The hundreds of thousands of steps of footprints in the sand is when you guys were carrying us and making us look good.

So we appreciate it. We really do. The opening theme song was written by Topher. If you have one or a question of your own, send it to me at ifireashow at gmail.com. Opening one was by Topher. This one, closing one, is Aaron K. Aaron K. We'll be back on Mondays, Monday.

We'll be back on Mondays Monday we'll be back on Monday Boston the day after tomorrow yeah and New Haven the day after that yeah that's right unless of course

you are listening to this in a dystopian future reality in which case those cities no longer exist the shows as well as

everybody's collective memories are gone forever we stand with Jet Hurwitz who is being charged with future crime and and transmission it's cool that I named my great great great gone forever. We stand with Jet Hurwitz, who is being charged with future crime.

And transmission. It's cool that I named my great-great-great-great-grandson Jet, right? Yeah, I mean, it's not how it works. You don't name all future lineages. Oh, wait, I forgot. Before we go, I have to plug one last thing. I was on my mom's podcast again, The Easy Chair, with Laura Hurwitz, except this time I was with Hannah Hurwitz, my older sister. We are discussing Tinder, Bumble, online dating, dating and life in general. You can listen to me impart some wisdom. If you go and search The Easy Chair, just go to headgum.com slash podcast. You can find it. All right, that's it. Peace. I realized it wasn't Jake and Amir. It turns out it was Drake with a deer. Drake had mistaken the deer

for a cow he wanted steak with his peers. He thought the steak would help break his career. Instead it ended ended taking a year so he thought he'd make a cake while he's here the smell from the cake made these two mates appear and Drake

started shaking fear when he realized it was Jake and Liam and that's how the story goes The story of the If I Were You podcast show If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you