Segments - 211: Phone vs. Wallet

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

In this episode we discuss trains, shows, and highly gifted teens. This episode is brought to you by ScoreBig.com, HeadSpace, and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No.

She made her ex up in the Sims. What else? What else? Ben Schwartz won't answer questions. What else? It's unbelievable. John Wolf just struck again. What else?

Glow. Glow. Yeah. Jake Hurwitz and Amir Bloom. Orlando Bloom, you mean? Orlando. Ben. What music was that from? Not Orlando, but they magic, though.

Me undies never having camel toe. Ted Bundy, yeah, because I kill the flow. But you already know. Fake names, real questions, confessions, learned lessons, unprofessional. Yeah, but the more you know. Carpe Diem, got a Caesar cheese. But I need some help with the birds and the bees. Bad me, not bad you.

But you do you. And this is the part where I bid you adieu. And hand the mic over to these two Jews. Because this is if I were you. Yeah, because this is if I were you, but you do you. And this is the part where I bid you adieu. And hand the mic over to these two Jews, because this is if I were you. Yeah, because this is if I were you. Huh? Huh? Wow. That was tight, man.

That was actually really good flow. I taught this guy a lot. What do you mean? His name is Matthew. Matthew. And you taught him? I just taught him shit, like flow and shit, beats and stuff like matthew and you taught him you said i just taught him shit like flow and beats and stuff like that how do you know him um oh his rap name is mcmr which i think i taught him

no and then attached you'll find yep theme song oh it's a parody of low life by future in the weekend oh cool two other guys that are sort of under my tutelage. And then... I was going to let it slide with MCM. You don't. Sorry. Future and the Weekend. Yeah.

You know that song that goes, Ask me if I do this every day, this and often. Yeah, you think you came up with that for them? I think I taught them how to do, like, I didn't teach them how to say the lines, but I taught them to be like, alright, what do you do often? What do you do often?

So it is you leading them into writing it. This guy has a SoundCloud. SoundCloud.com slash MCMR music. So if you want to hear more of that tight, tight flow, check out MC, uh soundcloud.com slash mcmr music very tight um we this is a a first for us we we thought we'd be able to use one of our live shows for today's episode silly us we thought of the four shows that we recorded

in this past week we would be able to use one of them use one for whatever reason or another not even worth getting into um uh we those those episodes will exist as a special moment between us and the audience that day and that makes it all the more special kind of beautiful yeah i'm into that uh we landed as soon as we could rushed home and now we're recording and we're just gonna upload it straight up straight up online so we've been traveling for 12 straight hours and now the ride really begins exactly right because this is it's it's a good recap episode because we just experienced their shows in washington that's true in brooklyn in boston in new haven four shows four cities five nights were magic were what's what's after hungover like if you're hung over a lot dead i'm i guess fried

oh yeah you're more just like sizzled i feel a little empty oh i see i feel just like like you had a certain amount of joy in your body and you used so much of it over the last six days. I'm spent. Especially because it wasn't just like your typical tour where we just party. It was like party, perform, and also I saw my parents. Oh, yeah. It was like a homecoming show. In Brooklyn, we had like all of our friends and family there.

Our best friends were all there. Then in New Haven, you had your literally extended family there yeah yeah and we also had allison on the show so we had like so many different like emotional energies so much joy here there reunion joy performance joy in brooklyn we showed the first two episodes of lonely and horny that maybe, it's really tough to think about highlights for the show. That's probably up there. Yeah. We started in DC, which was one of the best shows.

I mean, they're all great. So it's weird to say one of the best. They're all, they were all tied for the best show. The DC theater was really awesome. The Howard theater was awesome. The DC show had some of my favorite jokes.

There was that guy who brought, this guy, he yelled the name Chinry. Yeah. He asked for names. And I was curious. And I asked he yelled the name chinry yeah he asked for names and i was curious and i asked him about the name chinry and then he confided in us that he had made a list of six names that's right so reading all six of the names that he had written down was really fun do you remember some of the other names that he was gonna yell uh i think one of them was vag yeah the last one was vag yeah no the fifth one was vag and we're like what about the sixth one he's like well vag women vag was a woman's name oh right he wrote vag twice yeah and vag as a guy's name was number six you really had to be

there actually i still i think that's funny kind of regardless and then dc on wednesday night was really fun randomly we thought wednesday would be more of a chill night yeah but we spent um i know i spent 80 getting into a bar club that i lasted four minutes in i i turned right around i spent 40 getting in there yeah i wonder if we could have just asked how does the refund policy work when it's just a bar club we went straight from there to that place that did the chili hot dogs, like the cheese fries. Oh, yeah. That place was great. That was like a perfect, like, just walking out at 1.30 and seeing this, like, greasy-ass chili cheese dog place that's a 24-hour, like, D.C. staple. Oh, the diet, dude.

Whose name I completely forget. Me, too, because I was trashed. And I, this, I guess, isn't even a performance thing, but i will say i love traveling by train that's maybe my favorite thing about performing on the east coast that is cella oh my god just a it's just so like efficient streamlined beautiful yeah i don't know why i get carsick looking like doing work in cars but on a train which is pretty like you know rocky just as a car is yeah you feel fine yeah i don't know where that is yeah train from dc to brooklyn uh and then the brooklyn show was just crazy yeah we had that really tight airbnb oh great great great venue great airbnb the place

was overflowing we had sold it out friends family yeah we had a guest list they were like all right 25 names we're like all right, 25 names. We're like, all right, done. We have it at 28, but that should be fine. Good to go. And then by the time we got to Brooklyn, we had to add like 17 more names. So we had a list of like 45. And they're like, we have to just charge you for the extra names. So we're like starting to pay for our friends to get in.

Because I feel bad being like, actually, the show's sold out. Sorry, Amir Cohen. Right. get in because i feel bad being like actually the show's sold out sorry amir cohen right it's always easy because like people when you have an infinite guest list which sort of seems like in the beginning when you can add 25 people yeah people ask for friends of friends and you're like yeah sure they're on the list yeah and then like your best friends are the ones that don't ask they're the ones that just like come that like day of and they text you like hey i'm downstairs can i get in yeah or as i was walking on stage sarah's like hey i'm gonna get there late i i should have no problem getting in right i'm like i don't i don't know i think not

i hope not i think you could text anybody else and they should be able to let you in yeah fortunately we got them all in uh we showed that's when, that's when Lonely and Horny came out, so nobody had seen the first episode. Right. Showing them the first two episodes. I was super nervous. Yeah. So nervous when the first one came on. And then, like, the first joke,

I don't want to spoil it for anybody that hasn't bought it yet. I don't know why I haven't, but I don't want to spoil it. But the first joke, like, landed, and I was like, oh, thank God. If they like this. Yeah. That sets the tone. You can still pre-order. I'm sorry.

I should say order now. Pre-order is over. You can still watch Lonely and Horny at vimeo.com slash lonely and horny. Order it. You get the whole thing. First two episodes online now. Next two on Friday. The next two are also very awesome.

By the way, the New York Times told us that it was worth streaming. So I don't know if you trust that. They're actually a pretty widely read publication. I don't know if you guys read the Jew York Crimes, but they seem to like it. If you like it half as much as my parents do and we're the New York Times, then you've already ordered it. Yeah. From Brooklyn, we went on to Boston. And we thought Brooklyn was crazy until we got to Boston.

Yeah, Boston was this sort of insane bacchanalian. Yeah, Boston was a Saturday night vibe. The crowd was kind of crazier, drunker. I think Boston in general is a drunker city. Yeah. And the fact that the show started Saturday night at 10 fed into that vibe. Yep. So we usually are like drinking whiskey throughout the night. This show, Boston, we were drinking vodka Red Bull backstage.

Yeah. And then whiskey on the stage. Which was a dangerous game. It really was. It was a really great show. It was fun. We did our... Oh, shoot. I forgot to... Which was a dangerous game. It really was. It was a really great show. It was fun. We did our...

Oh, shoot. I forgot to... We got to hang out on Harvard's campus. Yeah. Before the show. Right. We went to the Harvard Lampoon and met all the fine ladies and gentlemen who worked there. Right.

Harvard Lampoon being the institution, the literary magazine. Yeah. And, you know, people like Conan have written for it or he ran it or whatever. I bet. Anyway. So that was an exciting place to be inside of. Yeah. You have to be invited.

And we got inducteded we are now honorary members we were we did the abridged version of the hazing i think it was hazing yeah it's a secret thing so we can't even talk about it we were definitely locked in the basement for nine days and we all had to if we threw up into a giant trash can in the middle of the room yeah we had to cry ourselves out we had to fill it up with our own tears and swim to safety. It really was like some kind of crazy hazing ritual. Yeah, that kind of stuff doesn't happen on the West Coast because the hazing rituals are older than Los Angeles.

Right. So Harvard started before America did. So their traditions and customs are several hundred years old. Yeah, so I think if we went to the University of Phoenix and anyone tried to haze me, I would be like, this isn't really like... I'm good. It doesn't have a lot of historical merit.

People that I respect as comedy idols and icons haven't also endured it. So, I'm not going to. Yeah. Especially because I think University of Phoenix is like an online school. So, like, imagine that. Yeah. Like, we're just like being cyberbullied.

Yeah. And then we were invited to a party after the show, which we're a little bit on the fence about. Because, you know, when you're invited to a college party, it sounds exciting in my brain. Because I'm like, oh, college party, that sounds pretty fun. And then, like, as we leave and do the show, there's a little bit of the self-doubt. Wait a minute, I'm 33.

Right. And when I went to college parties and I saw a 33-year-old, I felt bad for him. Yeah. Why is he there? And people might have felt bad for us, but we were having way too much fun to care. We should say that we did go to the party. Oh, yeah.

So we went to the party. It was a party at a... These are not secret details, right? I don't think... I mean, no, I think the final clubs are all like... Yeah, it was part of the social network movie. We don't have to say which one it was. Yeah. The final clubs are all like... Yeah, it was part of the social network movie. We don't have to say which one it was. Yeah, it's basically like a co-ed fraternity society of sorts,

having a big themed party. We are gentlemen of Harvard. We're members of the Lampoon. We can go to the finals club. Let us in. I've never seen a college party with a legit bouncer. Usually it's like another 21-year-old. And yeah, I think as soon as I walked in for the rest of the night,

I had a bottle of champagne in my hand. We're dancing on tables. It was a stinky, sweaty... Dave and Marty. Oh, by the way, Dave surprised everyone in Boston and performed with us. Yeah, he came out for a couple questions. The milkman himself, which was really great. And then he came with us to this party.

It's like the just like all of the craziest shit in the world there were these two giant ice luchas one was shaped like a naked body of a woman yeah and the other one was shaped like a giant dick sure so you had to like you know perform oral sex to uh get your vodka right uh anyway so we did that and then upstairs there was just this like huge you know amazing dining room table or something and a dj and just hundreds of kids dancing sweating the theme of the party is euro trash yeah everyone's dressed up in these crazy costumes uh-huh um was it illegal what's that was it illegal that we were there? Maybe. So I was dancing with somebody.

And in front of me, just like the most insane shit is happening. Just like people making out, people grinding on the dance floor, people jumping around. And I'm like, this is crazy. And then the girl says to me, your friends are getting really lit. And I turned around and dave and marty are both shirtless it was really hot to be fair dave is like sitting on the table and marty is over him standing on the table pretending to i guess skull fuck him turned down for what so as crazy as everything that was happening in front of me, they are taking it too far.

Which is hard to do as someone 10 years older than everyone there. Yeah. So that was a fun little exciting night. And then after that, imagine that. After everything we've talked about and discussed, the chili cheese fries, the live shows, the nights out, the party at Harvard. We get on a train again, and we're off to New Haven.

And we go and get picked up by my mother. That's right. Your mommy picks us up. Your daddy gives us sandwiches. We walk around Yale for a nice little Sunday. A nice Sunday stroll. And we get to perform. Yeah.

One more time. Yet again that night. Pistol Wave in New Haven. Homecoming show for the boy. And for a wave in new haven the homecoming show for the boy with for allison williams it was her homecoming show too right so your family was there allison was there uh new friends old friends uh carrying us through one last night yeah that was the night where i only had two whiskeys uh smart at that point like it doesn't it it evaporates before it hits your stomach yeah i honestly don't don't even, I probably could have had, like, 10 whiskeys and just been fine, even keel.

This is when we have to, like, start eating, like, reintroducing green things to our diet again slowly. Like, when was the last time you had, like, I guess anything that isn't, I don't think I've eaten a food that wasn't yellow or brown in the last seven days. It was avocado on the sandwich that my dad made. Oh, yeah. A buttery, fatty vegetable of that sort. Yeah, but I haven't had a salad or a fruit. I don't even know if I've had fruit. Yeah.

No, it's all been garbage. It's been bananas, bagels, and french fries for about six days straight. Oh, that's a fruit banana. Yeah, bananas are good. Pizza, I mean, it's, yeah. It's been fruit banana. Yeah, bananas are good. Pizza, I mean, it's, yeah. It's been cheat week. Dude, I'm very excited to just have a smoothie and some salad. But like after, like for lunch, like this still counts as the cheat week, of course.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, because it's still, it's not a Sunday for us, but it feels like it's a Sunday. I'm going to have a disgusting dinner. Yeah, because this is like our last send off. I think I'm going to get a burrito. Oh, that's good. So like disgusting dinner. Yeah, because this is like our last send off. I think I'm going to get a burrito. Oh, that's good. So like a thing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. My stomach looks like Dave's stomach right now. Didn't you say Dave negged you after the show? Oh, yeah. Dave. We had like such a fun night. Such a fun.

This is also before we went to the party. And I was kind of miserable at the first bar that we went to. Oh, because you were just jonesing for the party. Yeah, because I wanted to went to the party. And I was kind of miserable at the first bar that we went to. Because you were just jonesing for the party. Yeah, because I wanted to go to the party. I was like, what is this? What are we doing? Why are we not at the party? I don't like this.

This is not the party. We should go to the party. Yeah, and Marty's promising me we're going to go to the party. Yeah. I could see that slipping away. Yeah. I could see us not going to the party. Like sand through your fingernails.

Yeah. This party. Because we're leaving in half an hour. I could see us not going to this party. Like sand through your fingernails, this party. Because we're leaving in half an hour. We're going to leave in half an hour. Then half an hour comes up. It's like, you really want to leave? Yeah. It's already 1230.

Sure. So I was fiending for this party. Anyway, so I'm already in like, so Dave. You're anxious. Yeah, I'm anxious. But Dave and I, we had had such a fun night. We performed together. And Dave starts going, he's like, you're kind of a loser, aren't you?

I was like, no, I don't want to do this. Stop. He's like, no, you're a bit of a loser, don't you think? When did that happen? Like, when did you become a loser? You used to be so cool. Don't you remember? Dave loves trying to figure out what the small voice

of self-doubt is going on in your brain and putting a megaphone up to his own asshole and farting it so loudly that you can only hear that self-doubt and like frame it as something like that's not even like you're you're a loser like then i could say you're a loser back yeah but to say you're a bit of a loser, don't you think? Everybody sort of thinks that. Now I have to answer that question. I can't say no, I'm not a loser. So yeah, I guess I'm a little bit of a loser.

You don't have any fun, do you, Jake? And then he notices the rip in the fabric, and that's all he needs. He needs that small tear before he can rip the whole thing over. He's a needleman. He needs that small tear before he can rip the whole thing over. He's a needle man. He's Dave Needleman. So that was our week. Yeah. And then we also forgot, just because we're talking about Dave as the guest,

Ben as the guest in Brooklyn. Yeah, Ben came out and surprised everyone in Brooklyn. Surprised everybody. That was, I think, the loudest we've heard a crowd. For real. And Allison, like, absolutely destroyed New Haven. She gave us that shot.

Yeah. The first thing, I forgot about that, so I did drink a lot in New Haven. The very first thing Allison did when she came out on stage was give us something called The Last Shot.

Yeah. I didn't realize that where we were performing was such a Yale staple more than just, like, a New Haven staple. Oh, yeah. It's like, new haven staple oh yeah it's like uh well i mean it's on yale's campus oh is it yeah basically everything in uh well actually

that's not true new haven's pretty big but where we were is is yale's campus across from toads is uh yale dorms i think right uh and just imagine a place that has the stickiest grounds ever like just 30 years of sloppiness occurred there yeah yeah yeah i have been kicked out of toads i it definitely once and maybe twice imagine the job of being a bouncer at a college bar you have to like either love that shit i think like a dave type person where he like gets off to like telling little kids what to do yeah yeah like when it's time for to kick them out i think it's really fun but you have to kick out so many people every week every day isn't it twice a week that they have parties there well they have shows i think almost every night

they have they have specific parties on like wednesday and saturday and then what was the band that you said you saw there was a sublime cover band blind cover band bad fish yeah they have they have specific parties on like Wednesday and Saturday and then what was the band that you said you saw there it was a sublime cover band sublime cover band Bad Fish yeah that was when I got kicked out

actually for what just being too too you I was with my friend who was throwing up in the bathroom yeah

and I guess you're not allowed to do that you're probably allowed to do that but like also if they see that you're too drunk and you're like not 21 yeah

not like a lot of tolerance for that's the two strikes too drunk and not 21 yeah um fortunately nobody puked i think at our show uh yeah i would be surprised to find out if somebody did um all right that's the that's the week-long recap uh but what is this podcast in general let's talk about the flight what'd you watch oh great question i was uh binging i really was binging you were binge eating on the flight i was binge eating you ate two sleeves of pringles six tennis ball canisters of pringles and then i said i'll have the rest of the peanuts whatever went uneaten just put them into little plastic cups and start feeding them to me uh it was economy comfort indeed and we were very comfortable i assure you that we're quite economic uh so this uh what you're listening to right now

aside from being a recap it's an advice podcast that's right it's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by jake and i um we are getting real emails from real people trying to preserve their anonymity so we're going to give them fake names we went through a lot of questions this week but there were some questions uh that we figured would be better for an intimate setting not quite a live show there's a subtle difference yes questions have to be a bit sillier bigger broader for the live audience but here we can talk about real shit finally so how about this for a real shit um guy's name um let's try to use guys who were part of our tour okay okay so first guy's name that i can think of sure um is oh what's um uh charlie one of our contacts at one of the venues oh that was great yeah charlie yeah charlie helped us get in and load so charlie writes i'm a 16 year

old from canada and here's my problem ever since elementary school i was branded a gifted child and i've been enrolled in higher level classes because of it. My verbal production is in the 99.7 percentile, which leaves me unable to relate to my peers. The level of discourse in a typical high school conversation is so low that I pretend to be engaged and find stuff funny, etc. in order to fit in. I seem to be in between the nerds and the normal people with my interests. For example, I enjoy competitive sports, but I don't like pop culture video games, and I am disinterested with high school drama. This means that I have little in common with the elite students.

How far should I go to mask my personality and change who I am in order to be accepted? Is it okay to maintain this false pretense of being normal in order to get pussy from time to time? Thanks. Love, Charlie. Okay. So this guy from Mensa wants to know if he's allowed to play an average Joe every time he wants to finger bang somebody. Yeah, I don't think you can say percentile and pussy in the same question. Right.

You have to choose one or the other. Say one, you don't think you can say percentile and pussy in the same question right you have to choose one or the other say one you don't get the other are you a guy in the 99.7th percentile in verbal production you know we have to do we have to uh we have to neg him and beat his intellect down until he feels because this guy's been told he's highly gifted his whole life right and it went to his head. Yeah, let's just tell you, you're maybe gifted. Yeah, I wouldn't say highly, dude. Yeah.

You're, what, 16? And you're saying shit like, actually, this is really well written. Yeah, he has a pretty good vocabulary. Fuck, I'd bump it up to the 99.8%. I wouldn't let him finger me. Really? Yeah. Whether he matched his personality or not.

I guess there's a certain point where his intelligence is going to be a help, not a hindrance. And I think there's a chance that it's during high school. It could be now. That what? I mean, people don't... Oh, they start liking nerds? Yeah, people like people who are smart all the time. You have to be dumb in other ways to be a huge loser in high school.

So the idea that nerds are smart and uncool, is that sort of fake? Is it like if you're attractive, you're cool whether you're smart or not? There are plenty of popular kids at my school who are like really good at football and really smart yeah and they like did class government type shit right so you could be a person like that but then also but then i think nerds are like i don't get girls because i'm so smart like no you don't get girls because you are skinny and you dress bad. Yeah, you're just blaming your intelligence. But you're smart enough to know that that's not actually true.

Your brain is good, but your looks are bad. Yeah. You don't think that if you were dumber, it would be better. If anything, that's the only thing you can hang your hat on right now. Yeah. Soak it in. Embrace it. You need the smarts.

And know that the future is brighter. But there's two kinds of smarts, as everybody knows. There's, like, street smart, somebody who's cool, somebody who's, like, not always overthinking things. You're just, like, a chill dude. Right. And then there's people. Is that intelligence or is that just your attitude, though? I think you have to be, like, it's some social intelligence.

We're, like, you know where there's a group of four and somebody's acting weird and three people know and one person doesn't yeah so like it's it's about not being that one guy right like i there was i won't say names names but there's a part this weekend where somebody was acting a little weird and it was just like so noticeable except for that weird person what is was it? Yeah, that's the problem. It was actually me. When was it? I'll tell you during the break. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

Okay, cool. Never mind, I was there. But it's just about little things like that. And it doesn't have to do with liking pop culture, video games, or high school drama. I don't like video games. I mean, I love high school drama, sure. Still to this day.

And I was invited to a fucking college party, dude. Actually, high school drama is kind of my favorite. I really like high school drama and high school musical and high school the musical. So what should he do? Should he change, mask my personality? I don't think you can do that. I really don't think you can mask your personality. Right.

You can actively become a better person. But if you're... But he's not a bad person because he's not smart. I guess maybe the problem to me is that like, it sounds like he's being a little elitist where he's like, I don't find any of the same things interesting or cool as my other friends. I wasn't terribly smart in high school, but I also didn't like drama. Right.

I mean, the theater geeks were such nerds, right? Is that what he means? Well, the problem is... He doesn't like the drama club? Yeah, that's right. All right, good. There's things other than intelligence that you can find in people. So, like, if you're so smart, dude, why don't you realize that you don't have to be smart to be, like, considered cool? You can get along with somebody who does love pop culture, does love video games, is interested in high school drama.

Everybody, regardless of how smart you are, there's always something that that person knows more than you about. Right. Also, I think a lot of people really dislike high school or don't really know how to handle high school. Right. And I think that's not because everybody at your high school likes all the same things. I think people like many varied things.

So just find something that you really, truly like, and then you find the people who like the same thing. Right. Everybody in high school thinks that everybody's the same except for them. But everybody thinks that, and everybody is that. Everybody's their own actual unique individual person. It's just about finding people who are the most like-minded. Aren't there other higher level?

I mean, you're in a higher level class. What about the other kids in that higher level class? The kids that I hung out with in high school were like the other like, quote unquote, higher level class people. Like I hung out with the kids in like my AP classes because I wasn't cool enough to hang out with the kids who weren't in AP classes. And that was my little niche. That was my bubble. Those were my buddies. Those are my friends. Yeah. You could be friends with the other smart people. I guess it doesn't help that he really wants pussy, but smart people hook up with each other too.

It's a little weird that he said, maintain a false pretense in order to get pussy from time to time. Yeah, it's almost like he duped us the entire email. Like, oh, this guy's actually pretty intelligent. Like, can I trick people? See, we all do want the same things. You concerned you're concerned you're concerned how do i lie to get pussy yeah blah blah blah blah blah and then the the question that everybody asked that this guy actually wrote down is is it okay to maintain a false pretense of being normal in order to get pussy that's the question on everybody's mind and

i don't know what the answer is but i will at least tell you that other guys in your high school also want pussy so you can bond with anybody in high school over that yeah bond over the pee. Bond over your shared desire for pussy and the fact that you're not getting any. That's what high school is. Yeah, there's not a lot of 16-year-olds hooking up, are there? Honestly, who knows what the kids are doing these days. When I was in high school, it seemed like people didn't, it wasn't happening a ton. Yeah, and we're talking about kids. And with my friends, it wasn't happening at all.

We're talking about kids that were born in the year 2000. So we are, I suddenly, I feel like the college party is for me. Like, those were my peoples. Those people were born in 1997. Like, those are my homies. These millennials, I don't know. I can't keep track of them yeah they're wily uh all right let's take a break and uh come back answer maybe a few more

questions and then we gotta upload this shit dude it's almost we're almost out out of monday yeah shit let's do it we'll be back thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

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This is the first podcast episode we've released since Lonely and Horny came out. Yes. So we can officially thank people not only for watching it, but for giving us their, their, their, I want to say mostly praise. Uh, we've heard nothing but, uh, thoughtful comments from everybody.

Uh, and fortunately for us, you guys seem to be digging it so far. Thank you very, very much for your support and your positivity. We're all up on the subreddit. people are already using inside jokes, uh,

from episodes one and two. I'm the only one that I am. At first, I was a little scared to release two a week instead of like the whole damn thing at the same damn time. Right. But now I kind of like it. Like now people are getting used to episodes one and two. And then on Friday, episodes three and four are going to seem like fresh and new and exciting. Yeah, I'm excited for three and four to come out.

I'm excited for like every couple is like a kind of a nice little like uh duo yeah and man it's so fun to see the subreddit come alive again yeah with new content new video content yeah it's it's fucking great uh and um not only over uh how much you guys like the jokes or whatever, but we have to thank Bobby, our DP for making it look so beautiful. Cause that's one of the main compliments we've gotten is how this looks like a real TV show. This looks like a real movie.

And it's because we used all the same equipment facilities and pre production, post-production as a movie would. But the other thing, all we had that was the same as a real production i think is the lenses right so it goes a lot to the credit of the producers jillian jask and alex kerna the brevity wit crew yeah and bobby's whole team i don't know everybody just like took this small budget that we had made everything look really good yeah Yeah, you don't need $21 million. You just need $15 million

to make something like Lonely and Horny. I wish. So thanks, everybody who's checked it out so far. Lonelyandhorny.com or vimeo.com slash Lonely and Horny. Orders are still rolling in. We appreciate it. You're not too late.

You're only too late for the 15% off. But you know what? That's just a couple bucks. I'll Venmo you $2.50. What costs $15? That seems sort of insignificant. In the grand scheme of things? Yeah.

When you look at it. Yeah, because a lot of people are like, it's $14.99. That's a big pill to swallow. And then we can be like, it's not that much that's like a that's a big pill to swallow and then we can be like it's not that much that's the price of uh a large pizza oh that's good but the pizza will fill me up lonely and horny leaves me empty and wanting more food uh well actually it will fill your heart with love oh and it will fill your life with joy fuck it we'll give you a pizza instead laughter and i'll have pepperoni mushroom and sausage on my lonely and horny video order uh thank you could

get a pizza and watch lonely and horny that'd be kind of a fun activity yeah oh that's like a good rainy day activity send us a selfie of you eating pizza and watching Lonely and Horny. I'm getting lots of snaps, getting lots of tweets, getting lots of Facebook messages. People are digging it so far. I'm trying to open every single snap I get

so people, to me it's almost like favoriting a tweet. It's acknowledging. It's like, I saw this and I read it and I appreciate you.

Yeah. And if you have seen it and you want to let us know what you think, we are all up on Twitter and Snapchat and Facebook. So let us know. Thanks so much. Should we try to answer a few more questions before we have to go?

Yeah. How long have we been doing this? 35, 40 minutes at this point. Wow. Yeah. All right. Here's one that doesn't quite have to do with love but uh it's from a lady okay how about mitzi mitzi mitzi was our girl in washington dc she showed us around she showed

us the ropes the hookup she uh she works with head gum our podcast network uh and it was great to finally meet her mitzi right see uh i was in the bathroom listening to music on my phone and I accidentally knocked it into the toilet. I immediately fished it out and it is now in a bag of rice and I'm praying that it will be magically okay soon. It's an iPhone 4 that I bought secondhand for $70 a few months ago. Really, my question is, what do I do if it doesn't survive? I have the money for a new phone, but I really don't want to spend it, seeing as I'm working a minimum wage job to save up for university. I'm in my last year of high school. But now that I have had an iPhone, there's no going back to a grotty Android.

Yuck. And I need a phone for obvious reasons. I'm in a panic, and I can't think straight. Help. P.S. Please come to New Zealand.s please come to new zealand i would love to go to new zealand yeah that'd be really fun actually yeah uh done if we go back we're talking about going back to australia yeah we gotta go back there's summer our winter yeah and when we do that uh i say we make a push to go to new zealand smart anyway uh you had an iPhone 4 Honey You didn't have a nice

You did yourself a favor sweetheart I flushed all of my Anything less than a 5 SE Is going down the toilet Yeah and that's on purpose Because I am wiping my ass with old phones Right I actually have a very bad plumbing problem

I actually shit androids Really? I have a very bad gastrointestinal problem. I see that. Yeah, there's a Galaxy Note S4 coming out of your butthole. I am very ill because I eat Galaxy S5s. Oh. And they digest.

They break down a little bit. And that's how they come out of your butthole. So you're not shoving it up there and spitting it out. Nope. I swallow a phone. It is working whole. And and spitting it out nope it is working hole and then i shit it out hole often hole often hole sometimes not of your hole yep and my thankfully my anus is shaped like a it's a slot a large coin slot it's a large slot right i was gonna say it's like you look like a mundo you look like an upside down piggy bank bank. Oh, here one comes. Oh, my God. You are giving birth to a...

Oh, my fucking God. It's a galaxy. It's a note. It's a full tablet. Uh-oh. Here comes the stylus. Oh, sorry about that one. And I'm sorry about your phone.

Yeah. Have you ever dropped a phone in the toilet? Never dropped a phone in the toilet. Dropped a phone twice on the pavement and had it shatter. Ever get it wet and do the rice thing? That's the most commonly known trick, I feel like. Everyone knows about the rice tip. Actually, we made a rice joke in The Lonely and Horny.

That's right, in the cold open. I dropped my phone in the pool. I don't want to talk anymore about it, but you guys should go check it out. And what's the theory there, that the rice absorbs the moisture? Yeah. That's a great Mythbusters to see if that's actually a thing. When I was dealing weed in high school. Nice, dude.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. Sometimes I would get it and it would be super, super dry. Like a dank sticky or like that kush? It would be like arid like a tumbleweed. Oh, like a crispy leaf? Yeah, nobody wants weed that is like that. That's like tobacco. It kind of feels like, what the fuck are you giving me?

So there are these tricks and I would put in an orange peel into the bag and leave it for an hour. And then when I came back, maybe it was overnight, but anyway, the orange peel, the rind was just like super dry, and the weed was wet. Oh, so it almost like moistened the other leaves. I mean, what do you do when you cook rice? Maybe it's not true, I guess. Yeah, you put a little orange peel in it. Well, you put water in there and then the rice absorbs the water. Right.

So you surround the watery phone with rice and the rice absorbs the water from the phone. Yeah, and then the phone becomes super dry. You put it in the bag with a little bit of a peel. Suddenly it gets a little wet and citrusy. And then you can sell that to the kids that live down the street for $15, $20 a gram. I love that. And the average phone weighs what? Six fluid ounces, I mean.

Yeah. So let's see here. There's no going back to a grotty Android. That seems like a bad, a lot of people like Androids. Yeah, well, I mean, for me, I guess I understand what you're saying because to me, there's no going back to a grotty iPhone 4. Yeah, so grotty.

What if it doesn't survive? I think a phone is the one thing you need more than anything else. I was asking someone the other day, would you rather lose your phone or your wallet? What would you say to that i guess your wallet which has cash credit cards your license basically everything that's not your phone i think i might rather lose my phone actually see i said wallet because your wallet everything is annoying to replace but replaceable you so is your phone no because your phone has information on it

that seems very compromisable. And also, I don't know what the fuck I have on the cloud, so I don't know what my photos and contacts are. They can restore your phone even while you don't have it. But I'm not on the cloud, so there's a lot of shit on here that's just gone when I lose my phone. Photos, for example.

Yeah. A lot of photos. And then's just gone when I lose my phone. Photos, for example. Yeah. A lot of photos. And then like re-downloading everything and resetting everything up seems more painful to me than just being like, hey, American Express, send me a new card. Right. But I guess I have a lot of cards that I would have to track down. I would rather do everything – this is such a boring discussion for us to be having, but I guess it's kind of interesting. I would rather do everything digitally than, like, email my health insurance and have them send me a new – like, and just wait for mail to come. Getting mail is very –

Nobody wants mail. Just, like, waiting for letters and packages and then, like, opening the cards, putting them back in. I would rather just, i would rather also the price of a wallet is less than the price of a phone just think about it as pure monetary thing i thought you were saying i guess out of i'm thinking pure convenience right well it's convenience of cash and also time and effort i think replacing a wallet is easier and less uh costly than replacing a phone. Well, I guess that much is obvious. What? A phone costs $600.

But who knows how much cards, cash, the actual wallet itself. How much cash do you carry? $600. I think if it's monetarily the exact same, which is what I was assuming, then I would rather lose my wallet. But if it's, yeah, if it's just my current wallet or throw my phone down. That's right. I'm talking about your two things that are currently in your pockets right now. You have to throw one of them into a shredder.

Which one do you get rid of? Oh, my wallet. It's way less expensive. But what about replacing everything? It'd be annoying, but it would save me $400. That's what I'm saying. I'd rather lose my wallet than my phone. Oh, wait.

I don't understand. You said you'd rather lose your phone. Well, I'm saying, I feel like you didn't give me the entire scope of the scenario. All right. In reality, as you know it today, I thought we were doing it in a vacuum. To me, you made it seem like it was, it was like which one's more convenient to lose. Okay.

Not like which one is more like, yeah, which one's more expensive. Not expensive. You're holding two things, right? Your phone and your wallet. Right. You got to throw one of them into the Grand Canyon, never see it again. Yes. Which one would you do? And I have to deal with the very real consequences keep in mind this isn't a vacuum

we're an entire of course i would rather get lose my wallet with all the contents inside of it yes yes i don't have any cash i mean we're this is the this i feel like the scenario you turned it into has nothing to do with it. Turned it into? I was asking you that the whole time. I didn't turn it into anything. But now you're asking me a question of which is more expensive. No. No, I'm not.

Forget that. It's not a convenience question. Because I'm not doing either of this out of convenience. I'm doing it solely to save money. You're not doing it anything at all. It's just a hypothetical question. I thought we were going to get rid of my phone and wallet at the end of this conversation. I'm about to dump it into a fucking pool

for Christ's sake. So what should this lady in New Zealand do? Her question is, what do I do if it doesn't survive? I really think you figure out a way to scrounge up the money and get yourself a new phone. $70 US. Yeah, that's not an insane amount of money.

You know, Jeff had a good idea for getting a free old phone on Twinnovation. Oh, signing up for Uber Eats? Yeah, maybe if there's Uber Eats or Uber in general, any ride-sharing program, if that exists in New Zealand, they'll give you a free phone. That's yours to have. And do you have to drive? Yeah, technically of course i think the the jury's still out on if jeff's gonna be in trouble yeah so maybe this is bad advice but at the same time it is advice there's ways to get phones that's true um yeah you got you're a slick person you

could hustle i know it yeah come on mitzi the. The truest answer is that you're very upset. You need the phone. You have to find a way to get the phone back. You need that phone. You better hope to God. And let us know because this email was sent two days ago. Yeah. So please do let us know if the rice trick worked.

Keep it in the rice for as long as it takes. And if your phone's feeling a little dry, do that orange peel trick too. It's just a cute little way of making your device smell like a nice little citrus. Yeah, if you over dry it. Vitamin C for you and your phone. All right. Now we're out of time. Now we got to post this shit.

Let's get this shit online. Thank you all very much for your patience. Thanks for coming out to the shows. If you did, big shout to Ben, Dave, Allison, and to the cities of DC, Brooklyn, Boston, and Pistol Wave in New Haven, the 203Z. Let's go, my alma mater of Yale University. We are the Yale Bulldogs. Hi-ho. Through and through, a gentleman always says hello to you and yous and yours and yours and hers and hers and his.

The opening theme song was written by MCMR. Remember that rapster? Yeah. And then the closing one is written by Caleb. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, your own anythings, send it on over to ifireashow at gmail.com. And again, thank you to everybody that's watched our new web series Lonely and Horny

we did this for you guys so we're glad you're enjoying it so far new episodes coming out on Friday alright goodnight goodbye peace We'll be right back. Listen to the advice they give to you. Sit back, they'll tell you what they would do. Probably shouldn't just be giving this away. Then again, you can't trust everything they say.

I know you felt what you felt. What you don't know if I were you So what would you do? Tell me what you know If I were you So what would you do? Tell me what you know guitar solo Thank you. What should I do? Tell me what you know.