Segments - 212: Tampon (w/Ariana Madix!)

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Actor/Friend Ariana Madix joins us to discuss fiancées, divorcées, and Vanderpump Rules. This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com, MeUndies, and BlueApron! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Makeup name so no one gets exposed And every time I close my eyes I see my billboard in the sky Yeah, with different questions every time Oh, I, I swear The world's ready to hear advice from Jake and Amir. Yes. It's so subtle.

My phone's not ringing. All right, where were we? Great timing. i really like that was actually the end of the song yeah it ends with my mom calling me which is so obtrusive yeah uh ariana hi i'd like to introduce the guests because sometimes they don't know whether to say anything before they get introduced but she couldn't help herself from laughing and faux pas i'm usually the guy that's all up on that silent mode. Nice.

Faux pas? Yeah, it's pretty good. When your mom is your faux and she sort of commits a faux pas. Yeah, I call my dad my faux pas. That theme song was a billionaire cover. Did you know that? I did. Bruno Mars?

Yeah. Is it? Yeah. It's Bruno Mars, isn't it? Awesome. I want to be a billionaire, not a billionaire. Oh, yeah. It's Bruno Mars and Travi McCoy. Yeah. I don't know who that is well it was it was a rapper it

was written and created by kristin who's a music teacher oh that's cool i really like that song is it billionaire or millionaire billionaire it has to be a billionaire who wants to be a millionaire yeah he actually i mean yeah he's not a billionaire at this point. But like, it's funny that he... He's getting out there. Yeah, he really wants to be a billionaire. But he's like very, very rich. Yeah, he wants a thousand million dollars. He performed at the Super Bowl, Bruno.

Yeah, he has like maybe eight million and he wants 992 more million dollars. It's really important to him. Yeah, he wants to be a billionaire. So fucking bad. Is that song a guilty pleasure or is it actually good? Like, should I be ashamed as to how much I like it or it's fine? I think Bruno Mars is universally accepted as a talented musician and he makes very catchy songs.

It's definitely pop music, so there's a little bit of guilty pleasure associated with it. A stigma. What do you think you're allowed? I'm allowed to. Ariana allows it yes uh ariana maddox hey welcome to the show thanks for having me of course thanks for coming yeah uh who are you how might our fans know you um well people usually know me from this reality show that I do called Vanderpump Rules.

I feel like that's the most notoriety that I've achieved. But I've done a lot of other stuff too. How might Jake and sorry, me and Amir, how might Jake and Amir know you? There's a fourth person interviewing you too.

We know each other from college humor stuff so yeah yeah so people i don't know maybe there's a few people out there who've watched me air handjob motion oh i don't know just in general or where a balloon get balloons popped on me or be taylor swift yeah you're all up in the college humor video scenes. I'm all up in there. And they've been doing a lot of like reposting old ones lately. Oh.

Wow. Which then I get tagged, you know, in comments. That's really funny. Yeah, yeah. They're trying to piggyback off your Vanderpump success. It'd be funny if they were. Are they though? Probably not. I think they're pretty good on their own.

You're also in Lonely and Horny, our new web series. I am. We're going to wait to and Horny, our new web series. I am. We're going to wait to release this until after your episode comes out so people can watch it right now. That's a good idea. You're in episode three, which is a Thrinder threesome-based episode.

Don't give any more away, otherwise people won't buy it. All right. Okay, I'll leave that as a sexy description. Yeah, there's a threesome in episode three. Yeah. Very sexy. It's really sexy.

It's really hot. Tangentially sort of maybe involving ariana who knows let's find out uh you were the first ever college humor's cute college girl of the month what was that before what is it now like the hour yeah eventually by the time i left it was a daily cute college. Now I think they don't do it at all because they realized it was misogynistic. It is. Yeah. When I started, when I was an intern, College Humor really embraced the misogyny. And my job was to find cute college girls of the month. And I didn't, that was like before we had posted one.

So we didn't have like a ton of people submitting. I had to just troll Facebook for like just finding cute people and I messaged them. Oh. And Ariana was like, what the fuck are you doing? I guess. I don't know. Well, I always was on the site previously.

So I was like, oh, sweet. Why were you on the site previous to that? Because people would submit. It was a lot of like submission based you know like fail videos oh yeah it was like you were the grape lady right the one that was mashing grapes with her feet and then she fell and broke her trachea god internet's good remember the turtle kid oh Oh, yeah. I like totals. Remember Dramatic Chipmunk? Dun, dun, dun. That's a good one.

Classic. Yeah. What else is good online? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I really do want to be a billionaire. Maybe that's why that song resonates with me. That's true. Well, you know, just aim high.

Yeah. You like Jason M miraz songs too oh yeah that was a jason mirazzi type song that's your vibe yeah um yo maybe i'm sort of yeah like which is funny because i'm not that like i never wear like sandals or a fedora or an open up shirt so for some reason that's like that music appeals to me even though I was more of an indoor kid Jason Mraz is your spirit animal and other sad thoughts a life in retrospect

as a 33 year old guy who's about to fucking kill himself suicide note that signs off P.S. Jason Mraz was my spirit animal what were his last words you don't want to know signs up. P.S. Jason Mraz was my spirit animal. What were his last words? Oh, you don't want to know.

There's a P.P.S. here. Never mind. Oh, he was just shooting skeet. Skeet's my friend. Anyway, what is this? This is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. Jake and I do our best to answer emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives. Sometimes it called If I Were You. Jake and I do our best to answer emails from people who are

in difficult places in their lives. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. Sometimes we have people on from College Humor and Vanderpump Rules. And today is one of those episodes. Today is the day.

We've had Vanderpump Rules. We've had College Humor. This is the first person that's done both. We've now combined the two. The crossover. Jax was on 41 episodes in a row i don't know if you know that um so ariana are you ready to help us advise the youth

of tomorrow today i'm ready okay these are real emails from real people it makes me nervous i know right yeah they need you like what if i said the wrong thing yeah well we've told people to kill themselves before i think so you okay so we can go yeah you can't really go to i mean maybe not tell people to kill themselves yeah as long as we don't do that then we did a good job life goes on stay alive yeah that's stay alive is the first bit of advice always and then it's like let's everything else is just yeah so this one's a lady. Do you have a lady's name that perhaps we can give this lady? Linda. That's great.

What's Linda's last name in your brain? Barton. That's great. You're doing such a good job so far. Thanks. Linda Barton writes. Actually, it doesn't really work. This is not a Linda.

It's definitely not a Linda. No, this is good. Linda Barton writes, I'm in my late 20s and engaged to be married this year. This is the first adult relationship I've ever been in and I've never cheated on my partner. The problem is, even though I respect him and I'm completely faithful,

I'm bored in my relationship in the same way that has resulted in cheating in the past. Wait, she said she's never cheated or she has cheated? She hasn't cheated on this guy, but it sounds like she's cheated on other people. Yeah, she's bored in the relationship in the same way that's resulted in cheating in the past, but she's faithful to this guy. Sorry. Coincidentally, maybe I've reconnected in a platonic way with a guy that I've dated

briefly in high school and we've gotten to become really good friends again. I have a really strong feeling for him but not sexual i've been clear with him about my position as a loyal soon-to-be wife and he has never expressed any desire to change that i guess my question is am i doing wrong by my fiance by letting myself have an intimate non-sexual relationship with another guy or should i just chill out and not overthink it thank you in advance love linda oh lord huh first reactions first reactions what does your gut tell you my gut tells first of all she should maybe not be getting married oh all right so you're saying this this is bad i think she's in a bad situation but i

think she should oh fuck stop yeah well you know why because she definitely should not cheat on like do not cheat on your fiance like do not do it yeah that's number two after don't kill yourself don't cheat on your fiance stay alive stay alive don't cheat on your fiance. Stay alive. Stay alive. Don't cheat on your fiance. Maybe you shouldn't be getting married to the person you've, in your first adult relationship ever. Especially if she's saying that she's bored. I feel like fiance is a new, that's like a new exciting part of relationship.

You're like, you're only a fiance for like the, like let's say you're together for like three or four, however many years before you get engaged. You're only engaged. You're only a fiance for like this little bit hypothetically if you're gonna be married for those of you guys listening at home Ariana is making a little inch long it looks like a little

inch worm with her two fingers I like it yeah I'm visualizing a line graph which turns me on more than anything else and then you know presumably you'd be married forever. Or I feel like in this case, that little inch thing is the marriage as well. Exactly.

Which, I mean, then why are you... If she's already bored before she's married, then that's like... Yeah, she's bored in the most exciting phase of her relationship. She also mentions like, am I overreacting? Is that what she said yeah am i overthinking overthinking it she's under thinking it she should think more if there's a person that you feel like you're close enough that you need to clarify hey i'm not gonna cheat on my fiance with you that's really saying like hey i'm i want to cheat on my fiance with right like if you have

to ask then the answer is it's wrong exactly and this it's such a clear thing where he's like i've been clear about my position that i'm not gonna cheat and he's like i have no desire to change that so they've had this conversation yeah which is such a sexy conversation even to deny yeah it's just like no don't worry babe like i've never had a conversation like you know i uh no like every time I'm saying like, this can't happen, it's three seconds away from happening. Amir, I just really want you to know that like, I'm committed to my boyfriend.

Yeah, no, yeah, totally. And like, I have no desire to cheat on him. Yeah, which is like this borderline sexier than I do have a desire to cheat on him. Yeah, it's so true. It makes it like a forbidden thing. That's like they're building sexual tension with each other. They're talking about it.

Yeah, it's weird. That's very weird. Do you have, I don't know if you even want to talk about it, but do you have cheating experiences in the one way or another? I've both cheated and been cheated on. Wow, double. This was like a long time ago. Yeah, like three weeks ago.

This was months ago. On my way here and the traffic was horrible. So yeah, I mean. You know LA traffic, how the city's slow. Swipe in, one thing led to another. You did come with a guy, which I thought was so forward. It was so cool of you. Yeah, I was like, you know, whatever.

It's 2016. And cheating, I feel like usually starts with playing with fire. I'm not going to cheat. I'm just going to meet up with a friend. Right. I don't think anybody really goes out there with the expectation or, like, the goal of, like, cheating on their significant other. I mean, I think some people do. Like, if they're, like, pissed at them.

So I've been cheated on and then going situations where somebody was like well i was mad and so i just thought which is weird but that is weird i don't think i've ever done that well i've like cheated on somebody because i was pissed like oh you wronged me now i'm gonna cheat on someone oh it's more like boredom than anger yeah and then sometimes i guess i like if i'm close to cheating on somebody when i've cheated in the past i will think of other times like the uh past trans transgressions against me like feel justified yeah it's like it's called paying it backwards right oh well she cheated on me earlier in the relationship so now this is like my free pass

yeah or i'm gonna be breaking up with her anyway so it's basically not like the water just gets muddier and muddier it really does like just break up with your fiance if you want to if you're bored in the relationship and it's your first relationship you haven't experienced all the great people you can fuck and you should go and yeah like maybe many relationships Maybe don't be getting married. But then, thing is, if you're going to be married or if you're going to be with this person, you really got to do it. So, like, you can't be fucking around. Don't cheat on them.

My question is, how many... Maybe there's something wrong with her and she needs to see... She needs to, like, go see a therapist and figure out why it is that she gets bored in relationships and then wants to cheat. Right. Because she's gotta think of before like because this guy that she reconnected with from high school it feels like she probably cheated on him considering she said she gets bored this is the guy that she cheated on originally yeah but it feels like this dude could be anybody it's like she's bored first and foremost she's bored in her current relationship so she has to figure out why she's bored in her current relationship why she she has to figure out why she's bored in her current relationship,

why she doesn't think that she should necessarily, or why she wants to marry this guy, and why she feels like she might have feelings for somebody else. Yeah. And if that results in her leaving her fiance, then so be it. Maybe better off with him.

It's so easy to say it. It's just like, just, you know, tell him you're bored and that's over with. I don't have to have the conversation. Yeah. That's the easiest part. Have the hardest thing in the world. Tell them you're bored.

That's the best part about advice is that you don't actually have to do it. Right. Just tell your, you know, husband-to-be that you're bored and that you want to fuck other people. Next question. Yeah, this advice, like, reverberates through space and time. Ruin this person's life and yours for a little bit. On we go. The shaking, crying, breaking up in the bed.

Yeah. Can't. The ring, the giving back of the ring. Oh, my God. Which is probably like a family heirloom on his family's side. He either spent or he had to go talk to his grandma and be like, grandma, this girl's really special to me. Oh, Lord me oh yeah he took it off her her finger while she was sleeping she was eating a little finger yeah she was sleeping while watching

like judge judy but i don't know like that's true it's true it's gonna hurt him a lot but it's gonna hurt him a lot worse when she cheats on him which is fucking really close to doing but then maybe maybe everybody's bored and some people are just better at maybe it's just uh cold feet kind of thing yeah maybe she can get over it that but that's why i like your advice of like really sitting down and maybe talking to somebody about like why this is all happening what yeah not like is this fucking dude from high school so great that he's worth cheating on that's right probably not nobody's that great from high school right yeah nobody went to high school everybody who ever went to a high school oh everyone all right we're just like look through high school like of the hottest kids in your high school and then been like wow they were not ever

that hot now that i'm like now that i'm in the real world now that i'm 30 and i'm looking at this 16 year old she actually was pretty busted she's pretty cute oh fuck now what am i uh all right next question uh this is a story of a guy okay uh a guy yeah dude yeah absolutely a guy's name what's what's a guy's name um johnny johnny mcgillicuddy hell yeah now we're getting silly uh hey guys johnny mcgillicuddy right it's actually a pretty slick name yeah is mcgilly cutty a real last name that someone has or it's just like for limericks and stuff it's gotta be real okay someone has it uh i'm 28 says johnny and i'm recently divorced i left my wife almost the future of the girl this is all on one timeline i'm 28 and i'm recently divorced i left my wife

almost a year ago and the divorce itself is almost final. I was with her for a total of 11 years, five of which were married, and the only real relationship I've ever had. But we got too attached too young and it ended up getting pretty toxic. Pay attention, Linda. Anyway, I have been enjoying

my newfound solitude and independence, but I have to admit the soul-crushing and crippling loneliness is beginning to wear and tear at the precious and delicate fabric of my mind. My friend recommended Tinder, but suffice it to say, it isn't working out so far. There's this one girl who comes into my work that I think is super cute, and we actually have a connection. And here lies my question. If I ask her out to coffee or something casual like that, and she says yes, should I bring up my divorce at any point during the date? I don't want to misrepresent myself,

but I also don't want to dump a bunch of baggage on something nice and casual. And if not then, then when? It should also be noted that my soon-to-be ex-wife still lives in my apartment. Oh my god. Thank you for your time, guys. I know you probably won't even read this but if you do you should know that i love your podcast and can't wait for lonely and horny thanks johnny uh oh my god johnny is a fucking mess who writes an email like that and like they really just like the the real problem is hidden in there under many layers.

Yeah. Should I tell her that I'm divorced? Oh, by the way, I still live with my ex-wife. He sounds like, geez, what's his face? Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm blanking on his name. You take all the time in your world. We'll edit out this. That's perfect.

Two hours of silence bashed her head against the wall he sounds like billy crystal oh like billy crystal playing a character but why yeah we like like super wordy super neurotic oh i see but like what do i do in it it's like this woody allen-esque exactly it's got a very it's he's annoying undertones i i can say it no you can't oh come on because my mother's my mother's not jewish yeah that's right i yeah okay so he's neurotic he's super neurotic but it's a good question let's say you went on a date with a guy and he was a divorcee would you want to know right away or can he bury the lead a little more he can he really if he's he really shouldn't be going into a casual coffee situation with this giant weight of I'm divorced over your head like just don't worry about it if it comes up in

conversation then don't hide it but why is he walking in the door going oh god but i'm divorced i gotta tell you something i've been lying to you for the last two minutes you didn't want a vanilla ice latte no that part's true so i don't understand you know would you want to know right away if i asked then yeah why would you ask though why would that exactly i probably wouldn't so would it be okay not to say like i mean if you're on a date you know somebody could say have you been single long like then hey there's a little right if he wants to ask a good way is probably to ask the girl a question about romantic yeah asked have you been a divorced anytime well yeah maybe not

be so there's something a little sexy about a divorce day like if i found out somebody was divorced i would have a lot of like questions and not like none of them like oh god what are you doing with me then yeah like It means they're single, and I'm curious about marriage and how that shit works, so I would ask lots of questions. Like, how was your wedding day? The thing that you don't want to do is go on a date with somebody

that can't come back to your house because your ex-wife is there. Okay, yeah, no, I forgot about that part. That's kind of the biggest part. Yeah, if this goes well, he has to text his wife and say, get out of the apartment. That's really weird.

Hey, if there's a handkerchief on the door, ex-wife, don't come a knocking. First, the real baggage is your wife's bags. Nice. That needs to be packed. Very good. Or yours that need to be packed. I don't know who owns the apartment or who leases. You know, this is a, it's.

Maybe it's a home or like a duplex or maybe they're co-renting. Maybe they have another floor oh that's true like he lives in the basement yeah it could be like a split level triplex whatever the situation you gotta get the fuck out of there he has to move move to a different city he said it got toxic at the end you know so how are they living so they like fighting in the apartment yeah i mean i don't see how they wouldn't be. Right. They were in a toxic, they got divorced because it was so toxic.

They have a 200 square foot studio apartment. Yeah. They share a twin bed. Chase each other in circles. They share a cot. It's like the movie Room, but instead of a mommy and a son, it's two, it's a couple, a divorced couple. Oh my God.

Which is the sequel to the movie room that i'm co-writing jesus with who with a stuffed animal that i invented in my head um so move out of your ex-wife's apartment yeah whatever don't worry about you don't you're a lady you don't want to know right away it doesn't matter to you i don't think it matters unless he's making he's making it a bigger deal than it needs to be but maybe it's a big deal because of the living situation that's exactly right i think if he's cool with his divorce then that's all that matters but it sounds like he's not cool with the divorce because he still lives with his wife what is this like there's like some sort of like stigma that he's made up in his head or i mean it sounds like he's got a lot going on in his head at all times.

Yeah. So, again, like, I don't know. He sounds hot. Oh, you're crying. You want to be married. Tell Linda to move out of your apartment. Yeah, hit the road. It's clearly the same.

It's a couple. Linda's email came two years ago hit the bricks uh linda yeah get the fuck out linda linda uh all right cool or him you know whatever hey i'm not judging don't live with your ex that's just a rule of thumb yeah great rule great after don't kill yourself yeah don't cheat don't cheat and if you when you break up don't kill yourself. Yeah, don't cheat. Don't cheat. And when you break up, don't live together. There you go. Damn, we're getting a lot done. Regarding the rules.

Somebody make a poster. Got a lot of rules here. All right, let's take a break really quickly. We'll come back with more questions for everybody. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy.

That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general.

Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn.

I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play five dollars

on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits only on draft kings pick six the crown is yours there you go anything to add yeah i was gonna say gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited.

One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each

other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace hey we're back uh vanderpump rules what's that about it's about people that work at a restaurant how do you become in a reality show um for me i was it was not how do you become in it yeah how do you become how is it in that you your rise to fame was like overnight there was i just looked at your instagram one day and you had 150 000 instagram followers it really what i remember i was like man it'd be so cool you know how people

have like the k when they get to 10 or whatever i was like that'd be cool like what is that like yeah and then i'm on a billionaire like 100 the next day what is it what is it like uh it's actually pretty it can be both cool and you know you talk to and mean a lot of night because i like to respond to people a lot oh and so like sometimes i meet online or even or like people who watch the show out and about who are super cool and really nice and you know just really great people and then there are people on the internet who are just god-awful human beings yeah yeah there's a lot of those a lot of that and so there's definitely there are two sides to the coin for sure heads and tails yeah sorry i don't know what metaphors are

do you ever watch the show and like for the first time that's you hearing somebody talk shit about you oh yeah oh really do you watch every episode when it comes out uh yeah but i haven't watched the reunions but because i feel like it happened more recently because a lot of times the show is six months behind real life right then we filmed the reunion in february so it's less behind so i don't feel like i need to watch those but i do watch every week the episodes that come out although a lot of times i fast forward through so you and it's like because it's so much it pisses you off or it's I'm like, I don't need to watch a scene of, you know,

Jake and Amir jerking each other off. I love that episode though. But that's my first I mean, that was a really compelling, there was a lot of tension in that scene.

Yeah, they edited it really well. How does it? They kind of made you look like an asshole though. Right? Which was weird because I didn't think

that that was really. Just with music cues. Yeah. Do you, so the show itself is about people who work at a bar? Yeah, a bar slash restaurant. So you sometimes watch the show and then come in the next day

and then you're just seeing the other people that work in this bar restaurant. Do people come to the bar just to see you guys? Yeah, they do. Well, because I feel like people watch the show and they want to see what the place is like. And now I feel like the majority of people that come there whereas maybe not so much before the show is on obviously pretty much everybody comes there because they watch the show that's an amazing it's a basically they watch lisa our boss on housewives

it's a commercial the whole thing is a commercial for a restaurant it's a genius thing half an hour for the owners yeah then people just come and. Then people just come to a restaurant. And then we come and work there. Yeah. For just like, like what are the reality shows? That's crazy.

Imagine if like, minimum wage or whatever the fuck. Will you get paid for the show? I mean, yeah. All right,

cool. How much? All on the record. Imagine if you're like, watching. It's not like, we can't make nothing from doing it.

Right. I was saying like, you can't watch Survivor and then visit the island or like, big brother and go to the house like what are the reality shows actually like hated us if you were some sort of you know psychopath and you were like those people on that show are pieces of shit and i want to make a name for myself and aren't a lot of people on the show pieces of shit yeah yeah the majority of the people on the show are pieces does your it does like

do your fans yeah are you but do people are you a liked or hated character are you like a stone cold or the rock um i've i've typically been a very well liked person on the show but it's definitely not i'm not like a perfect person not universally liked by everybody it's not like i can do no wrong are you here to make friends though i'm not i'm here for the right reason that's really cool oh is that the new i'm not here for the right reasons what's your snap handle it's the same as my instagram so it's ariana252525 why 25 is your birthday february 5th no there's a ghost here. I know. No, my basketball number was 25. Hell yeah.

So I got a little obsessed. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Eddie Jones, that was my favorite Laker. He wore 25. Nick Anderson was my favorite Magic player. Yeah. He's on your game in your living room.

Yeah, we have NBA Jam. It's Nick Anderson and like Dennis Scott. Yeah, I used, when I played, I played. I was very excited about it. I know, it's Penny Harderson and like dennis scott yeah i i used i when i played i played i was very excited about penny hatt penny hardaway and nick anderson those are great it's a great nba jam team it is hell yeah i'm glad we got to talk about nick anderson jake never brings him up sorry what the hell is wrong with you i i don't like basketball i'm more of a tennis man patrick rafter he was one of my idols growing up yeah that's why jake has a man bun even before it was popular he was the first high and tight ponytail yeah oh rafter is a

fucking god he's a greek god with 138 mile per hour serve i mean he was philip pussis before there was philip australian stallion he was layighton hewitt meets leighton meester meets ariana maddox oh yeah i have a podcast yeah yeah that's what you should be plugging everybody's already watching this is what happens like it's so it's so down the rabbit hole i have a podcast called the bevs it's me and my best friend and we have on other friends of ours and it started out as a way to catch up with each other because we're busy and we don't get to see each other that much and a way to catch up with our friends and now it's turned into a thing that we do weekly and we love robots and that should be the name of the show feminists and that's our thing so

the best robots and feminism yeah cool common ground common ground oh well yes but it is different than that because you guys you know my podcast your podcast it's yours yeah we own it the show is not mine yeah well that's sort of why we started you get like a little blip of me but the blip and the blip you get of me is me in situations that i would probably maybe not normally be in you never know um and then it's part of this whole bigger picture that someone else is in charge of so you know if it was my own show i would be different okay last question about the pump. And then we have to answer at least one more advice question. Gotta help people.

Do you ever watch the show and you're like, wait, they made it out to be something different. I wasn't actually like that. Or are you like, no, this all makes sense. I've definitely felt that way. Oh, like they just stole that glance from a different day. Yes, they've definitely stole. They'll definitely, you know,

everything that's happening is pretty legit legit but they'll definitely be moments where a glance is stolen or a sentence is put together then i'm like i didn't know that wasn't and what do you do when that happens do you like just roll with it you don't like text the producer or like tweet a correction? You can, but a lot of times people go, oh yeah, blame editing. So like you can't, I just don't say anything. Like editing really sometimes can be to blame. It can. For example, in the season finale,

there was an engagement party. It was 115 degrees outside in the sun at this engagement party. And Tom and I, my boyfriend and I, were sun at this engagement party and um tom and i my boyfriend and i were standing at this table and we were waiting for this other girl britney because they were like uh britney wanted to tell us something right and so in order for britney to tell us something we had to like be at a place here so that they could get it happening. So Brittany's, we're waiting for Brittany to walk over in 115 degree heat.

I'm like blowing bubbles. Cause they had bubbles on the table for the party. And Tom has a fan and he's like, cause he's so hot. Cause he's wearing like a jacket and pants at this nice engagement party. They didn't show Brittany telling us anything. They only showed Tom and i standing at a table going like this and so we look like fucking weirdos but it was i mean it was a really funny

shot and kudos to them for using it but i was like that you know we weren't told us doing that wait over there we're waiting here for britney Like, whatever. Reality TV, am I right? Am I right? I mean, you love it, you hate it, you hate to love it. Can't get enough of it. All right, let's, we have a question over here about lady stuff

and Jake and I didn't feel comfortable answering it without a lady on. And it might make you uncomfortable that we're even asking. Okay. Do you have a lady name? Another lady name? I know, I'm sorry. rosalita i like there we go getting a little ethnic does she have a last name

now i feel weird giving her a last name that matches yeah it's got to be like smith or something yeah kowalski oh nice two very different parents uh. A Puerto Rican Polish lady writes, I try my best to change my tampon as often as possible when I'm on my period, but sometimes leaks just happen. I'm in school and several times I've actually left blood on my seat during class. What is the best way to deal with this and avoiding crippling embarrassment? The way I have in the past is to wait until most of the people have cleared out after the class ends and getting as far away from there as possible and let the janitors deal with my uterine fluids this is probably not the best

way but it's the most comfortable solution i can think of do you do you have any suggestions about how to deal with period leakage in public places love rosal Kowalski. This could not be real. I really wish I had a picture of your face. This is not a thing. This could not be for real. It's not a real thing? I mean, she said sometimes. Like sometimes it gets on the seat.

How is it that often? I don't know. Sometimes. I don't even think that's how is it that often i don't know sometimes like i don't even think i don't even think that's ever happened to me once where it's been on the seat i mean i'm not there's nothing wrong with that period blood is it's fine it's a beautiful thing it's fucking natural you are god's creation i mean i'm against i'm not bothered by how you have to celebrate who you are let it flow let it flow right size tampons, personally. I'm not bothered by... How? You have to celebrate who you are. Let it flow. Let it flow.

Is she using the right size tampons? Let me ask her. She's not. Yeah, she's using extra skinny. She needs a more absorbent tampon. That's fucking perfect, because that's advice that we would not have. I don't know. I don't even know there were different types of...

What size? Okay, so there's light. Okay. Right, and there's heavy flow. There's, well, there's light. Okay. Right, and then there's heavy flow. There's, well, there's regular. Yeah, let her tell. Light and heavy. I'm just saying I picked up tampons for ladies.

Yeah, and you have super, you have super plus. She might need a super plus. Super plus is just, you're not talking about the size of the tampon. You're talking about the absorbency. The absorbency. Well, yeah, they do get bigger, but yeah. Damn it. Sort of shove up there.

Those bounty paper towels are either paper towels or Super Double Plus. The quilted thicker picker upper. The bounty man just sort of inseminates you with a tampon. You are too much. Sorry, ladies. But no, I do like that advice that she's she clearly needs and if she is already using super plus then i think that maybe she needs to bolster that with like a pad or um yeah double up double up double down uh there's no or go see a doctor if you're i mean if you're doing all these things and this

is still happening you need to see a doctor wearing pantyhose i'm wearing extra flow i've depends on like the whole nine but then the other thing that to me is very inconsiderate and weird is that she said she just leaves it there which is why i thought it was fake because the wording of that is so weird for the janitor my uterine flow or some shit it's interesting because when i heard that i was like i wonder how many janitors have to fucking wipe up blood off the seats also i wonder if a janitor actually does it or if somebody in the next class just sits on the seat does it look like i walked in and looks at it and goes not again yeah i don't think there are janitors turning over the rooms in between that doesn't happen so it looks like a paper towel commercial they blot it and then lift it up to show the camera look how it picked

up the whole thing yeah no there's definitely somebody just sitting in the in the fluids after she leaves yeah it's just it's gotta be like quicksand at that point. I mean, you are just drowning in it. Hell no. Which is how I want to die, personally. Oh, God. Clean up your uterine flow, lady. Fluids. Rosalita. Yeah.

And get a heavier tampon, like a more absorbent tampon. Double down with a pad. If that's not enough, go see a freaking doctor. Preach. Yes. yes yes and don't leave your shit on the seat for somebody else it's just rude like it's not that it's embarrassed like don't be embarrassed look everyone's had a period accident tell me clearly you have some sort of weird there's a routine with yours so you really got to figure out like what is going on yep and also don't leave it for other people man can i just add period is not just when you pee pee like absolutely i feel bad

ending the show now ariana like i feel like you hit your stride in advice kidding that was like that was like your presidential moment that was soapbox dude you took the fucking lead with that well because i started thinking about like i've seen people who like walking down the street i've seen people i'm like poor girl she had an accident i've seen it i've seen that too and i'm not and but the thing is i'm like oh i hope she's not embarrassed it's fine like i don't want them to be feel nobody to feel embarrassed about it because really it's not a big deal everybody gets their fucking period yeah even i mean guys a lot of time like i'll come in class and i'm like leaking everywhere and i have to let the janitor clean that shit up that's you still go to class that's what you're that's what you're

concerned about it's a hot class. It's a cooking course. And I really like wontons or whatever the fuck they take when you're in a relationship. I feel like people in a relationship often take cooking classes. Is that correct? Like together as a fun date? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds horrible. It would be weird if I was just there.

I would try to minimize doing that if I was in a couple. Like the cliche lame couple shit. Maybe that's what Linda should do is go to a cooking class with her fiance. Oh, God. You're on your deathbed when you're doing that. I can imagine. My dick would be the smallest it's ever been. Your dick has gone back up inside of your body

if you're in a cooking class. Yeah, you're pinching wontons together wondering what went wrong. Think about all my single friends out there. Oh, my God. They're in a different dim sum class. They couldn't get in yours. Yeah, of course.

They signed up too late. A singles mixer. Yeah. A mixer. No. Never. Thank you for coming on the show. Thanks for having me.

Of course. If you have your own questions or theme songs, the email address is if i read your show at gmail.com uh ariana you can also write into the show in case you ever find yourself in like a weird place i'm gonna ask you guys about my uterine flow yeah we're really looking forward to that and where can people find more ariana if they aren't done listening to you yet well that's a big if um the bevs podcast which is on soundcloud and itunes and thebevs.com we are we are the bevs on all social media i am ari ana 2525 on twitter add another 25 for snapchat

you're selling it add an extra 25 bucks to follow on snapchat venmo i'm at 25 25 25 25 add an extra 25 if you want to know my paypal yeah you're running out of characters and watch lonely and horny yeah watch lonely and horny uh we bought lonely and horny.com so you can watch it there oh nice that's marvelous it's an auto-forward. It's nice that we did that. Did you have to buy that off of anyone else or was it just open? Somehow it was available.

Yeah. Interesting. Weird, right? People don't really like to admit that how they're feeling. Thanks to Ariana for coming on the show.

Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to Kristen for writing the opening theme song. This closing one is by somebody who wanted to remain anonymous.

Cool. So thank you, Anonymous. I'll take the credit. Okay. I did it. Jake. Thank you, Jake. Play my song. We'll be back soon enough. Thanks for to remain anonymous. Cool. So thank you, anonymous. I'll take the credit. Okay. I did it. Jake. Thank you, Jake. Play my song.

We'll be back soon enough. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye. Bye. And you'll be chilling with your day ones. You know they'll get you paid. Jake and Amir will solve your problems. Or even get you laid.

It would be hashtag dope If I could cope with this broken heart Or at least give me some hope That the other fish in the sea are not too far It feels like an ocean to me And I need some help to mend this bleeding heart I'm hard strapped for cash So I can't afford a therapist

That's why I'm reaching out to you to help me solve this shit So will you take it or leave it You help me and mean it or leave me defeated And tell me that I'm some kind of fucking demon You can help me solve this shit. So if you take it or leave it, you help me and mean it or leave me defeated and tell me that I'm some kind of fucking demon. You can help me or put me on blast. Either way, you're listening to the If I Were You podcast.

Hey, I'm Matt Cohen. Shondy Pasquale. We're the Cabin Boys, a brand new podcast on the HeadGum Network that no one is listening to and we don't know why because we're pretty fucking dope. And it's pissing off Jake and Amir because they want to make that sweet, sweet moolah. So they've told us to make a little teaser to entice you to listen to our show.

What are the Cabin Boys? Let's find out. Two fictional brothers inherit a cabin in the woods from their equally fictional dead grandfather. This cabin, however, is no seasonal getaway. It is the very nexus of all time, space, and matter. One part interview, one part long-form improvised variety show. Cabin Boys is the podcast that you're not listening to but should be. And it features folks like this. Matt Bennett.

You're a guy from the future. Correct. The president. Virtual president of the internet. I am virtual president. You call me VP. Hoverboard X. Family guy rules 69X.

That is my name. Jake and Amir. Well, well, well. If it isn't the host of the World Series of Baseball podcast. Baseball podcast. Ryan Nemeth. Something got shattered. Must have had some roughhousing.

Yeah, there's some rubber stands. Yeah, it broke on it. The duck knocked into it. Oh, I've heard every tall tale that could be told about a broken umbrella stand, boys. Boys will be boys. Joey Ryan.

He has broken English. He says, maybe I grab, but maybe you no-sell because American cock is so big and so strong. Genius. Genius. And I was like, okay,

well, who am I to argue? Yuri Lowenthal. A Boy Scout is like, shoot bows and arrows and get naked with each other and stuff. That's not really what it is. So it's like the army? You have to go to the army? Yes.

It's like the boy army. Like military? It's like the army for little kids. Military for little kids? Yeah, it's like a child army. It's like a child army. That's so cool, man. It is cool, right?

You want to join? Phil Bronson Friedman. Are you Abraham Lincoln? Guilty as charged, guys. Am I right? Am I right? Fuck. You know, I...

What the fuck? The great emancipator himself. Get out of here. I don't even know what that means. Carl McDowell. Dude, my feet sweating all the time. Your feet don't seem to sweat in this sandal. What's going on here?

He said, they will never sweat in this sandal. Nor will a spider ever touch that foot. What did you say he said? Jesus spoke to you? Yeah, you mean Jesus spoke directly to you? Claire Grant. If I could take you up in paradise up above. Where is she from?

If I could tell you I'm the only one that you love. Life could be a dream, sweetheart. Hello, hello again. Shaboom, shaboom, nothing again. Eli Henry. Yes, you know, I could tell you one thing about the moon. Here's why I enjoy it. It's one of my favorite vacation spots.

This is a big place, you know, and it's a big, big rock covered in gray dust. You know, one day I'd like to retire to the moon and just, you know, kind of envelop myself in the dust. Luke Brandon Field and Zelda Williams. What is your name, young bear boy? Cecil. Cecil? Okay, and you, ma'am? Alicia.

Alicia, beautiful. Oh, I detect, is that a Spanish accent in there? No, my parents were just super creative. Okay, fair enough. It just keeps getting weirder and weirder, like opening a door and then there's a smaller door and then there's a smaller door still. Yeah, and you know what's in that last smaller door? The cabin boys. Every Wednesday at 4.20 a.m. on iTunes, HeadGum, and Spreaker.

Boy. That was a HeadGum podcast.