Segments - 213: Lactose Intolerant

Episode Date: April 25, 2016

In this episode we discuss perfect endings, new beginnings, and the loneliest places on earth. This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace, ScoreBig, and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Let's listen to the trick in the mirror. Give advice that will ruin people's life. And if I were you, the show. Oh. Short and very sweet. That's what all theme songs should be. When did it devolve into, like, let me fucking brag about how i can like jam out for a minute now putting in a lot of thought and effort overly overly much too much

too much thought wow it's actually the thought that doesn't count it should be amazing and it shouldn't take you more than one go of it. How long do you think that was? 14 seconds. Oh, almost nailed it. 14. What? That was written by... Was it almost 14? But there was like a half a second on either side of like dead air.

So like 14 asterisk is what the correct answer is, which I got. Oh, right. It was written by Alia. thank you alia uh alia has been dead for are you you sick fuck oh it's a different this lady spells her name differently also if even if it was spelled the same you can have two people name the same thing like you're not the only j. Tell me about somebody. Tell me about somebody. Yeah, definitely. I'm the man on the big PA. Yeah. Is that different?

Yeah. What about Malia Obama? Is that also a different person? Oh. Yeah, because she's alive and she's the president's daughter. What are the odds that Sasha or Malia listen to the podcast? No, it can't be zero. It's got to be higher than zero. I guess they're in our target age range.

That's right. But they didn't come to the DC show because I would have noticed this. I thought I saw some fucking funny business going on at the DC show. I swear, dude. I really thought Malia was there. I feel like Vipotis might have been there with Malia. Yeah. Or Dotis, daughter of the United States. Right.

I think Vipotis, the vice president of the United States. Vipotis brought Malia. What think Vipotis, the vice president. Yeah, of the United States. Vipotis brought Maria. What about Vipotis' daughter? Huh? The DeVipotis, the daughter of the vice president of the United States? She's friends with Sasha, and they all came to the show? So DeVipotis and DePotis might have been our showtice. I'm not sure that Biden has a daughter.

Maybe a daughter-in-law. I thought he had all boys. Oh, yeah. So it'd be a Dilvapotus. Maybe. Dilvapotus. Okay. Daughter-in-law of the Vice President of the United States.

If you are Sasha or Malia Obama and you listen to the podcast. Wait, everyone else, you can just tune out. Yeah. So this next couple, let's say, minute is just for Sasha and Malia. Oh, okay. Everyone else can do like the, the skip ahead thing. Yeah. Starting now.

Press the 15th second. Hi. It's Uncle Amir. What a freaking honor. It's Uncle Amir and Auntie Jake. What's an Aunt Amir? It's Uncle Jake and Aunt Amir. Do you guys like comedy?

Oh, shit, there's a fucking secret service at my house, dude. Put your dad on. I want to talk to Barry O. Don't sleep on Barry O. All right, we're back. And hello, everybody that just returned. Mm-hmm. This is an advice podcast.

It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. This is episode advice podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. This is episode 213. Each one has been better than the last. Welcome to the final stage of this amazing journey. Rock solid, gold plated, diamond encrusted episode of If I Were You. Here it goes.

Starting now, one more time for malia obama actually malia doesn't listen to our podcast but she's a huge high and mighty fan really yeah she yeah she was into gino from long island she crossed over she came from comedy bang bang that's right and then uh sasha if you can believe it. Actually, Sasha being like a Gilmore Guys fan seems very possible. That's possible. Yeah. I think Sasha guested on Out on the Lanai, actually. Really? Yeah.

So Sasha Obama was a guest on episode four. Of Out on the Lanai. Yeah. And the Barely Friending podcast, too. Imagine Malia. Is Malia the 17 or 18-year-old? I think so. So Malia, or imagine whichever daughter is a high school senior applying for college.

What she could do with the application and still get in. She can wipe her ass with it and send it to Harvard and just write Harvard on the envelope and just say, yeah, that's my ass stain. Did I get in Harvard? I think I got into Harvard, didn't I? Yes, you did. Yes, I did get into Harvard.

I'm not going to go to Harvard, Harvard. You let in a shit stain, Harvard. I'm going to Cornell, Harvard. I'm actually not going to Cornell, actually. I'm going to Cornell, Harvard. Hey, Harvard. Yeah, it's me. The person you let in with a shit stain instead of the SAT score.

We meant to reject you. Bullshit. Now do you want to come? I'll come for a quarter. Will you let me in for a quarter knowing full well that I'll leave? Of course you will. It's a photo op.

It's a business. It's a cash grab. All right. We need to answer emails, answer questions. People emailed us. We thought it would be fun if we did another one of those editions of the Game Boy. The Game Boy.

The Game Boy returns. For those of you who are unsure, and that's totally fair because I'm only like about 70% positive what it is. I am the Game Boy. Sometimes we comb, comb, comb, and try to find the best messages, and sometimes Jake is some sort of pansexual robot man. Oh, no, that's my Leslie character. No, Leslie is a Galian. Oh, Leslie's the Galian.

She or he or him or they, which is actually the correct way to say it now, according to a New York Times article I read. Anyway, my Snapchat filter is gone. I don't know what to do. Leslie is gone forever. Leslie is dead for now. I think they cycle through him.

I look every day. Can you do the voice without the filter? I guess I could because of... Oh, Mr. Uber Driver. Oh, you know what? I think you downloaded them We'll put them up on our Facebook page That'd be nice

So we can revisit the Uber Driver So sometimes we look through questions Try to find the best ones And sometimes we just Because we have 15,000 unread emails And it's just too many So we just do a Google search A Gmail search for certain words,

terms that we'd like to answer questions about. Read them for the first time on the show and offer advice. I've got a couple words in my head right now. Really? You know what? I've got a two-word, a two-worder.

Two-worder. That's cool. Because it's sort of like, it's one, I think it might be hyphenated, but you know, it conveys one thing. Okay.

Lactose intolerant. Oh yeah, i'll say that's two okay i guess you could probably just do intolerant now i would say lactose is like the big one because you can be intolerant of like races but once you're like who talks about lactose when it's not intolerant uh i feel like would yield the funnier question. Oh, that's true. Because whoever, who talks like that? I'm actually- Quite intolerant of Hispanic people. What do you think of lactose tolerant for like a Tinder bio?

Oh, like you- Like I can handle milk. That's nice. That's funny, right? I like that. So, one second. Okay. Are you looking up lactose intolerant or lactose or tolerant?

Lactose intolerant. Okay. There's some. All right. There's two. Okay. That is not a win. Everybody, everyone keeping score.

The Game Boy, the idea is to get it to one question. Yeah. The Game Boy has failed. So, do you want the question from person A or person B? Gee whiz. Person B. Hey, guys. Love the show, but let's cut to the chase.

I recently found out I was lactose intolerant. I heard it's not that bad, but I'm 15 and have my whole life ahead of me. I'm afraid I'll have trouble picking up chicks because they would feel as if this is an undesirable trait in a man. All I get is gas and pains in my stomach. I take pills for it, but I feel girls would stray away from a guy with that. Am I overreacting because I literally can't seize the cheese? Or will I be fine?

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. All right. Yeah. An undesirable trait. We didn't give this guy a name i marked um let's call him uh what's what's something that's going on in our lives right now um passover okay passover just ended we're still in the middle of it. Moses. Moses. Is he involved in Passover? He's very involved. He's the guy. Yeah.

Well, God's the guy or girl or they. Absolutely. Or them, actually, according to a New York Times article I wrote. God really, really started Passover, wouldn't you say? Moses was sort of his vessel. Okay. So Moses writes. And Pharaoh was the candidate.

All right. Let's focus on the focus on the question all right uh let my people grow nice uh it's it's it's so funny to brand being lactose intolerant as a weak trait that you shouldn't. It's part of a caste system. I think it's fine. No big deal? Because how often are you out trying to get pussy, and then you also have to drink a glass of milk? Yeah, you rarely eat in front of a woman let alone cheese based i

would never ever ever eat in front of somebody i was trying to have sex with right just out the window it would not happen uh but here's what i think this guy could do is he could make it into more of a lifestyle choice like i'm a vegan not like i can't handle milk oh yeah my body rejects it and i get gassy because that's not sexy right but what's a little sexy is like i actually care about animals yeah too much i mean i'm down to eat meat sometimes i just don't it's the dairy products that really is the farm i mean it is a full-on lie at home he can be eating turkey sandwiches all day just all the live long day. He can be in a bathtub filled with cottage cheese, farting and eating his way out.

It doesn't matter. But when you are out and when people say, let's get a sandwich and like, how about a grilled cheese? You say, I'm actually vegan. And that's actually very offensive. Do you know where they get that cheese? And that's actually shame on you. Yeah. Slut shame on you.

Oh, you're slut shaming them. I'm mansplaining. And slut shaming, cheese gr you. Yeah. Slut shame on you. Oh, you're slut shaming them. I'm mansplaining. And slut shaming, cheese grating, everything. So I think you own it to the point where you reject, milk doesn't reject you, you reject milk. Actually, I'm not lactose intolerant. Cheese is Moses intolerant. So it's anti-semitic yes i'm on the side of ramses yeah and then you say do you really do you know where they get the cheese do you know they get

the milk do you like no do you get like what happened like do you know where they put those steers beat cows to death until the milk comes out of their faces their bodies and then the the curdling process is another cow working overtime just churning away and for what for a lamb those like psa uh pita videos where it's like you know how they mistreat chickens and cows but make it like really really weird and sadistic yeah Yeah, or just plain out wrong. Like the chickens are the ones working in the factory. Underage chickens are like paid nothing to like... To bag chicken wings.

For what? A chicken in a foreman hat. Sir, how much do you get paid? A cow with a whip so don't eat cheese next to anybody uh if it comes up you're vegan you're not lactose intolerant yeah if somebody challenges you to a cheese farting contest say that's such a weird idea why would you even suggest that but i but then you can destroy them you can destroy them and then when somebody asks you why you're a vegan because that'll come up when you're a vegan people

say why and you say why aren't you yeah why aren't you the onus isn't on me we should all be vegans you when they say why are you a vegan you pull up up a little chickadee that's just in your palm, and you say, every time you eat meat, you're doing this. Oh! Even so, you kept that in your pocket? Oh, it looked really uncomfortable there. Look, you chipped its beak off when you took it out. You were sitting down for a long time. It must have been really crunched up.

Your genes are very tight. Yeah, well, you do that every time. Every time you eat a burger. Well, I'm also a vegetarian. So you just eat the cheese? I'm lactose intolerant. I really am. I'm sorry. Aren't you lactose intolerant? No. Alright, moving on. Moving on am. I'm sorry. Aren't you lactose intolerant? No. Alright, moving on. Let me guess something. Daylight savings time. Very interesting.

I wonder what type of question this will yield. Looks like we only got... Oh! No, it's a spam. Wow. Nothing? Nothing. No real Wow. Nothing? Nothing. No real question.

What? You lose. Put down the knife, Game Boy. Game Boy, that's quite enough. Game Boy, you're scaring me. Game Boy, no. I am the Game Boy. Covered in your blood.

He lost the game. Why are you arresting me? He lost the game. I'm acquitted. I was programmed to kill. We find the Game Boy innocent. Why? Because he was programmed.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Should I search again? Yeah. Green tea. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Should I search again? Yeah. Green tea. Because that's what you're drinking right now? Yeah. Oh.

It looks like it's all spam except for one. All right. You have won. But I don't know if it's green tea in a row or if the words green and tea are in it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Dear Jake and Amir, this is, let's say, a female.

So it's a female in the Passover story. Of course. Of course. Moses' wife, Rebecca. Is that his wife? I actually don't know. All right. Moses' wife.

I don't think it is. Is it Leah? Moses' wife. Did he not have a wife? He totally had a wife. Zipporah. Zipporah. Dude, she was actually pretty fucking busted. Oh, come on.

I'm serious, dude moses could have done better wait zephora zephora zephora from are you looking at from the ten commandments uh no i'm just looking at a painting oh oh she was ethiopian she yeah he found her in the desert when he left we don't know enough about this stuff to talk about it, I fear. I actually have seen The Ten Commandments starring Charlton Heston many a time. It was my favorite movie when I was growing up. Really? Yeah, it's one of them. That's such a long, dramatic film.

I know. For a child to get into. It's true. All right. Dear guys, I've put myself in a ghastly predicament, and I need your creative minds and love for the strange to help me pull through, or I might have to just kill myself at a Starbucks. Recently, I came up with an insane concept for a one-act play about a cat who deals drugs. Oddly enough, I was not on drugs. In a furious frenzy, I wrote this very strange play, and as a joke, showed a few scenes to some comrades, but it got a really good reaction. And my friend, who was El Capitano

of the Student Play Festival, has fallen in love with this piece of shit and determined to put on the show, but I can't come up with an ending because the story is now so absurd, and the El Capitano is nagging me every day to finish it. My play involves a plethora of pussy jokes, a boy

often named Cervix, a slew of dead cats, and some drug references, all of which are essential to the play, and I'm afraid the school will want to tame it, but that's kind of beside the point. Can you think of a kick-ass conclusion that will leave the audience in a seizure-like state of laughter? Any script joke slash pussy advice would be greatly appreciated. I've attached a copy of the script. Todah. Oh, so the script includes green tea. But the problem is, the script is 27 pages.

All right, so we're not going to read it now. Right. Or probably ever. But we can give advice on it. Just go to page 27 and see where it ends, what the cliffhanger is. Okay.

I like how she said a cat often named something. Like, he's named many, many times. All right. The last page reads, Mrs. P, don't you defend her? Dith replies, I'm not a pussy murderer. I would never kill a cat. I love cats. I mean, I really love them. Their feet, their smell, the feel of their soft fur between my fingers. She shivers as a spotlight engulfs her. Have you ever looked a cat in the eyes?

Every time I look at Lionel, I fall more deeper in love. That's right, I said it. I'm in love with Lionel Poppy. I'm not ashamed anymore, and I know he loves me too. I have been in love before, but a man can't love a woman like a cat can. I want to spend every day caring for him, petting him, loving him, feeding him milk and fresh fish caught from our little cottage on the bay. I want to spend nights curled together by the fire, sipping out little Mr. and Mrs. Water Dishes. Back to reality, everyone is frozen with disgusted looks on their faces. Lionel walks away from Dith and stands behind Mrs. Poppy's legs. Dung speaks.

What the hell? Mrs. Poppy's legs. Dung speaks. What the hell? Mrs. P. Get out! Exit death in a flurry. Pass speaks. Who is killing cats? Mr. P. Dung.

It was Dung. The family starts yelling and blaming each other. Corvex flips the table. And then how should this finish? Corvex. I thought it was cervix uh well he's often named cervix oh but usually he's corvette yeah sometimes corvex dung dith pith uh mrs p lionel uh how does it end um you know what it could be? What comes to mind now is a setup like The Last Supper.

So there's a bunch of people sitting in a row facing out to the audience. And then it escalates. It goes crazy. But the person in the middle, maybe Death, maybe Lionel, maybe Don Corvex, Mrs. B, anybody really. I don't really know who the protagonist here is. Is in the middle of it all looking like, oh dear, what have I done? And then you play the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song.

Blah, blah, blah. interesting interesting i guess i think the cat might be dead didn't they killed the cat yeah i think here i mean i don't know if i think lionel's the cat lionel uh yeah it seems like there's a human named death who's in love with a cat named lionel i think all right so if lionel is the cat and the cat's dealing drugs but the cat should also be doing a lot of like really human type things right yeah or sorry like a real so that's a human type thing the cat should be doing a cat type thing so like the police come to get it but it runs up a tree yeah right okay and then the cat goes to jail but maybe that's just the vet or something.

Yeah, the cat version of jail. Right. And it meets another cat or a dog that's like, then it's sort of taking the blow angle, right? It goes to jail to get reformed, but he actually gets a little more badass. He comes out, the cat's like a drug kingpin. Oh, and then he's like, I guess this cat's out of the bag. And then he walks out, and the song that's playing is papa's got a brand new bag and then or like um he he goes to like talk to his like number one rival and and the guy is like you get out of here and then he just

like scratches his tongue and pulls it out with his oh paw. And he says, what's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Yeah, and then it cuts to the Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should terrorize the neighborhood. And then spotlight on the cat and it just goes oh, Mondays. Garfield style.

And then it goes, whoop, a Garfield style. Who oh, Mondays. Garfield style. And then it goes, whoop-a-Garfield style. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Lasagna style. We got your ending, pal. Lasagna style. It may involve Garfield dressed like Opa or Psy, leading some sort of Gangnam style life. So he's wearing a little tuxedo.

He's a little fat little tuxedoed boy, perhaps a mustachioed tuxedo boy. With sunglasses. He stares at the camera and goes, Oppa Lasagna Style. He does the Psy dance. You find someone who speaks fluent Korean because that's when you really like,

that's what separates the fakers from the makers. Exactly, you do the rap uh and then that goes into the first of what can only be described as over 100 act breaks yeah then you set the record for longest play ever you put chains around the doors you burn the theater down yeah and that's how you become famous uh all right let's a break. Let's take our own intermission. Opa Garfield style. What? Sorry.

Don't plagiarize the play. Yeah, you're right. The play is the thing. We'll be back after this messages. After these messages, we'll be right back. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for

everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter,

which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So

again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. I just looked up the lyrics to Gangnam Style. It's so stupid.

Like, none of this is English. Yeah. Najunoon. Like, who wrote this to saroon was korean in god's noon yoja he didn't write it in the language you did he sit on a keyboard like how do these words you could translate it and it would make kiopi hanjunui like okay uh you think every language is dumb no english isn't dumb english isn't dumb the queen's english isn't dumb what about canadian's not dumb hebrew is fine you just don't like asian language i don't like languages i can't understand because i feel like people are sneaking behind my back talking shit about me. That song actually is only talking shit about you.

Yeah, like what the fuck is Bami Omeon? That means Amir is a loser. What the fuck is that, Cy? I don't even know you, dude. Watch this diss track. Oh, Chocard. Blumenfeld style. What did we want to talk about?

This is coming out April 25th Episodes 5 and 6 of Lonely and Horny are out Wow, we're over the halfway point At this point Things are moving very quickly Very fast Only two more weeks now

And they'll all be out And we won't know what to do with our lives 5 and 6 are a turning point There's a plot twist There's a turning point. Yeah, there's a... There's a plot twist. There's a twist in five and six. There's a thing that happens, storyline-wise. And actually, you know what?

Next week, I'm going to start giving away spoilers. Really? Yeah. Because it's like, at this point, you should have seen it. So you know what? Buy it and watch them all now if you don't want me to spoil it. Can't wait to see what people think. I'm so excited every time a new episode comes out.

I'm digging the Reddit comments. We just got BobbyRDP verified. Yeah, he got verified flair. So you guys, he's up in those comments if anybody's interested. He's ruthless, though. He's kind of a troll, too. So he'll be very nasty. He's a troll alo of himself.

Yeah, whoa, no spoilers. Oh, okay, a little Easter egg. We've already said too much, dude. You know what I wanted to do was ask you what the score is, because in terms of sales, most of the sales have come from America. True, we can't actually say what the numbers are, but I feel like we can say the proportion. A very close second was England, followed by a very close third, Canada. Yeah, England and Canada are separated by less than a percent of sales. Sweet. So they're almost a virtual tie.

England's over Canada. England over Canada by a little. Tell you what, we're going to do a show this summer in whatever state or sorry, whatever locale is number two. Really? Yeah. Whether we like it or not?

Yes. So if Canada's number two at the end of the run, then we'll go do a show in Canada. If the UK? If it's number two, then we'll do a show in the UK. I can actually view all for these countries. They get some pretty interesting. I also want to mention Australia, which is really lagging. Is that correct?

Let me look. A distant fourth. Yeah, Australia is about half of what UK and Canada. I thought we had friends in Australia. We really did. Well, we do. Just not as many friends as we do in Canada and UK. Okay.

Which is fair. Wake up, Australia. Interesting fifth place country. Denmark. Sweden. Sweden.eden yeah my bum is on the swedish oh we lost all the sales oh how is this a live freaking feed and then there are some countries that only bought one that's that's the interesting list let Let me see those. We're talking Luxembourg, Cyprus, Saudi Arabia, Bahamas, Barbados, Lebanon. One in China. There's over a billion people in China and only one have purchased.

That's the only guy that found a way around the wall. Yeah. Not the Great Wall of China. I mean the firewall. The firewall of China. The Maldives. Guernsey, of course. Guernsey.

What is Guernsey of course guernsey what is guernsey guernsey i looked up recently as an island uh off the coast of europe uh technically belonging to one of these larger provinces uh there's pakistan costa rica croatia peru bulgaria and el salvador round off the list of uh single single-sale countries. I'm into Guernsey. Really? This is, to me, Guernsey looks like, well, maybe the Maldives. Wait, you said somebody from the Maldives also, right? Yeah.

What do you think is, I want to find out who the loneliest person is that ordered Lonely and Horny. Like a guy who's on a Gilligan's Island of sorts. Which I guess is the Maldives or Guernsey. If you're the guy that ordered Lonely and Horny. Like a guy who's on a Gilligan's Island of sorts. Which I guess is the Maldives or Guernsey. If you're the guy that ordered it from, or the girl that ordered from Guernsey, email us with this subject, I ordered it from Guernsey.

Hashtag I'm the dude or dudette from Guernsey. Forward us the receipt, and then we'll know that it's you in Guernsey. Forward us the receipt, and then we'll know that it's you in Guernsey. But also, if you think that you live in the most remote location, or if you think you are the loneliest person, we want to hear

from you. What about the horniest person? That's everybody. We are all horny. If somebody lives on a farm in South Dakota, and they don't have a neighbor for 100 miles or something. The Guernsey of America. If you can prove that you are the loneliest person that ordered lonely and horny, we should figure out something that we can do for that person. Okay.

Just to make them feel not lonely. Less lonely. Like, I'll go visit Guernsey. And just blow anybody who's there blow my way to the fucking country uh we should we should either invite the loneliest person to america to los angeles okay like where are we gonna do a screening yeah screening or at the very least a viewing party yeah so we'll what if we invite the loneliest person that ordered Lonely and Horny to our viewing party? Okay.

Really? I mean, sure. I just have to say yes, right? I guess so. Yeah. Yes. So how do you do it? You forward the receipt?

You forward a receipt. All right. You forward a receipt. And then also you have to explain why you think you're – you can't just forward a receipt and I'm going to look up your address. You have to say – like make a video, take a picture, draw a picture, write a poem, whatever you want to do. Any sort of art. Get creative. And convince us that you're the loneliest person that ordered Lonely and Horny.

And then we'll – Do our best to ship your ass to LA. Or come visit because I would definitely be down to go to the Maldives. At the very least, the Maldives. That's a tropical vacation. I'm just reading from the Wikipedia page of Guernsey, and every other word looks like it was made up for a fantasy novel. For example, the Ballywick of Guernsey, a crown dependency, situated next to smaller inhabitant islands of Herm, Jethal, and Lehal together with many small Islets.

The jurisdiction is not part of the United Kingdom. However, defense and most foreign relations are handled by the British government. Taken together with separate jurisdictions of Alderney and Sark, it forms the Ballywick of Guernsey. I don't want to go anymore. I changed my mind.

And the two Ballywacks of Guernsey and Jersey. Do you think the Ballywick of Guernsey is who ordered Lonely and Guernsey? I don't know if the Ballywick is a human or a place. I don't know what a Ballywick is. Either way, if you live in Guernsey or the maldives or if you're the guy from pakistan or saudi arabia get in touch with us i want to hear their story yeah and then jake will go visit you in saudi arabia yeah whether you both live there or not and i'm

not saying it's it's for people if you think that you are lonely and you don't haven't ordered it and you want to enter the contest you can do that but then you also if you haven't ordered it and you want to enter the contest, you can do that. But then you also, if you've already ordered it, let us know. This way it's a sort of a contest that doesn't alienate old or new buyers of Lonely and Horny. But it does have to include the confirmation, the receipt confirmation

that you purchased it. Of course, I'm not going to read something that doesn't. I will allow no false entries into the contest I just made up. And you can always watch the first one for free on College Humor's YouTube channel that one is nearing a million plays how about that? I mean that's tight because that's more than most Jake and Amir videos

yeah hell yeah dude so go you guys, thanks for watching, thanks for enjoying sincerely, thank you quick shout out to potential HeadGum interns. Oh, yeah. But we should save that for the end so we don't go through.

All right. Well, if the idea of HeadGum internship sounds interesting to you. HeadGum interns. We're looking for interns after the final theme song. Yeah. We'll do a straight up job shout out. Yeah. So if you're college aged, interested in an internship, listen to the very, very end of this podcast.

You have to be in LA this summer, right? Or willing to relocate on your own dime. Right. You have to be in Los Angeles without us asking for it. Right. So sorry, the guy from Guernsey. Oh, dude from Guernsey is going to be in San Diego Close but no cider

Anything else? Should we get back to it? Yeah let's just get right back into it Let's get another question out of here Let's see here Give me a search phrase Parakeet How do you spell that? Give me a search phrase. Parakeet. How do you spell that?

I think it's P-A-R-A-K-E-E-T, but I don't know. Oh. There's one. And he either spelled parakeet correctly or incorrectly, but whatever it was, it was the same way as I did it. Oh, no, it was written by an Indian guy named Prakit. Okay. Yeah, he's lactose intolerant.

No, no, it is, there's parakeet in one question. All right, dope. The Game Boy wins. The Game Boy. Champion yet again. Game Boy, you're hurting me. Strangling the life out of you. Look look in my eyes the last thing you'll see is the winner uh here's my problem if you even want to call it that because honestly it's kind of a blessing a hyena ate my friggin bird yes my mom's gonna be pissed because my dad spent his last time

on the parakeet but honestly it's a pain in my ass. How do I tell my mom and not get her mad at me? Where does this person live that his birds are being hunted by parakeets? Love from Guernsey. By hyena. Yeah, this guy's from Guernsey. Really? There are hyenas in Guernsey? I guess so.

A Guernsean hyena. So, a blessing in disguise. I mean, you didn't do anything wrong. How do I tell my mom and not get her mad at me? Why would she be mad at you, dude? She should be mad at the hyena. Yeah.

All right. You need to go out and fight a hyena. No way. I'm serious. You come back with a couple teeth marks on you, some bloody knuckles. And your mom says, oh my God, what happened? And you say, I was attacked by a hyena. And it also ate the bird.

And I tried to stop it. But the hyena got the best of me. I mean, you could probably, maybe don't go fight a hyena. Just go scratch yourself on a tree branch or something. And then the mom will be like, you punched my pet hyena. What's wrong with you, you monster? This guy lives on a zoo. I just survived.

That bird was food for the hyena. We bought a zoo. Didn't you see We Bought a Zoo? I did see We Bought a Zoo. That's how much you love Damon. I will watch anything Damon does. From Elysium to We Bought a Zoo. To the water fracking movie.

I did see that one too. And? It was fine. The worst that Damon movie could be is pretty good. Oh, Damon. How many scripts are on his desk that I wish he would do? The next Bourne movie for one. When is that coming out?

Come on, Damon. I don't know, man. All right. Should we go to the next question? I guess so. What's a good search term? I have, like, a bad imagination. All I do is look around the room, like slinky.

That's pretty good. We have a pretty fun room. I got parakeet from looking at that parrot up there. Yeah. No slinky. Coaster. Oh, come on. Ooh, got a lot of coasters.

Well, choose one, baby. All right. Coaster. Rights. No, it's a lady. Okay. That last person had a biblical name. That last person was God.

Yeah, of course. This one is... For he decided who shall live and who shall die. This one comes from a lady. A lady named Locusts, which is one of the ten plagues. Yes, the first one. Absolutely. It was not the first one.

What was the first one? Blood. Fine. Yes. Then frogs. Then frogs. Then boils. That's right. All right.

I realize I can't be satisfied or happy or content with what I have. I'm always looking into the future and back into the past, and that screws up a good relationship. I have an ex-boyfriend number one who I've had a relationship with off and on for eight years, and I've tried to move on so many times, but something always pulls me back in. We both get devastated thinking about others with someone new. Well, I recently moved on and started dating one hell of a great guy, number two. Hilarious, the funniest man I know. We have a lot in common. We love your podcast. We've been friends for six years, and we've been friends while in relationships.

But this spring, we connected for the first time as lovers, and it ruled. Sex like rabbits. Dreams of moving to big cities. But it's been a mini roller coaster. He is pretty much baggage-free, but I can't get my ex out of my head, and this summer, I'm going away for a summer job

that has been looming in the back of my mind for a while. We have had a breakup once this spring, but I felt such intense remorse that I begged him to take me back, and he did. He and I enjoyed another round of great loving relationship, but I've had so much anxiety lately that I can't deal with, and I irrationally broke up with him again, and he has a lot of pride and cut me off out of his life real quick. He is smart in trying to defend his heart. I feel that remorse again. I didn't want to date him while thinking of my ex. I think I made the right call by not stringing him along.

But I can't help but miss him. How do I know when to hold them and when to fold them? I hate the idea of him not being my friend i feel like i probably lost a good thing love triangle shit uh oh that's weird this is so bizarre p.s i made him coasters with your faces on it a couple weeks back wow so this email has both roller coasters and coasters i hope he doesn't break them or throw them out. Jesus Christ. I just want to, like, much respect and love, but shut up. It's too much already.

I'm getting motion sick. It's giving me anxiety thinking about your anxiety. And it just sounds like you have made the right decision and you need to stop second guessing yourself. Move on. You need to be single. This person can't handle being in relationships. People don't, they're not supposed to like be frozen in time when you leave them. That's okay. They live their life. You live yours. Just forget it. It seems like this is like a movie that's like so emotionally tough to watch. And then at the end, the protagonist meets somebody who's like, oh, this is easy.

But it doesn't. I don't think it should be like that. Like one person shouldn't erase another relationship. And then like I was with this person. I didn't know what to do. And then I met this other guy and he was great. But now I don't know what to do. Just like fucking stop.

Don't make it about the person. don't make it about the relationship just be single just be cool on your own then you'll be ready for a relationship so you're saying this girl's not comfortable with herself her own personality her own body yeah it's like this like eight-year relationship kind of fucked her up, and you need to completely cut that off. Stop thinking about your ex. Think of him not being dead, but just floating in space in another direction. You guys are on opposite trajectories now, and no new relationship is going to make you feel better or worse about that. You just need to be on your path, moving forward. Look out the window with an unobstructed view because your ex, he's over the horizon now. He's gone. The first ex or the second ex? Both.

Just picture yourself in a convertible driving through the desert. There's nothing ahead, behind, or to the side. Anything is possible, but just don't throw the car in reverse. Yeah, she, once you break up with someone twice, that's it. Just assume you can't have them anymore. Yeah. You broke up with him twice, you feel remorse.

I guess you're always going to feel remorse. Sure, you'll feel like, but I think there's a difference between feeling sad and feeling remorse. Like, you feel sad because you broke up with somebody, but that doesn't mean like, oh, well, I should be with them because you'll feel sad with them too. Right. What's the shortest sadness or which version of sadness leads to happiness? And it's being single. It's like, I'll be sad for a little bit, then I'll be happy, then I'll find someone new, then I'll be happier. Or you say, I'm sad now, you go back to the relationship that you were sad in, that you knew what to do, you broke up, you know? It's like sometimes people break up and then

they're fine for a little bit because it's fun and it's exciting and then they go through phases where it's like oh it's it's sunday night and i'm just alone and now i'm sad so i feel remorse maybe i shouldn't have done it but those types of people are like i want to be with my girlfriend on sunday nights then mondays during the day i don't need her that's fine breaking up was a good idea monday night i'll go out do bowling that'll be fine i don't need her. That's fine. Breaking up was a good idea. Monday night, I'll go out, do bowling. That'll be fine. I don't need her yet. Tuesday morning, I'll miss her.

I need her back. I feel remorse. Tuesday night is fun. And if you are going through those highs and lows, then think about how unfair it would be to go and try to get back together with somebody that you want to be with maybe three times out of the week. But it's hard to look past the current phase that you're in. Like Sunday night, it's hard to think about Friday night.

I don't think it's hard. It's easy for me. I'm a fucking beast. Yeah. But if you're not a fucking beast. I think you just got to channel the inner beast. Yeah. Like I'm going to be sad for the next six hours

and then that'll be fine. That'll be good. It's actually good to be sad. Yeah. It's feelings. You're allowed to feel them. Yeah. You just can't make irrational decisions based on them like oh i'm sad so i'll get back together with my ex yeah no i i feel sad so i think i'll make somebody else's life worse in the long term don't beg for their beg for their shit back and then i'll just feel that sense of

remorse it's better to feel remorse alone than remorse that you uh got back together yeah yeah because when i feel bad that i'm in a relationship that's so much worse because like i'm not i don't have to just deal with my own remorse i have to deal with somebody else's i don't want somebody else to be sad because of me i mean i'd rather err on the side of me being sad alone. I think independence is a very beautiful thing. And it's fine to feel sad about your, like, it's fine to feel sad for a moment. But I think ultimately it's really empowering

to be like, I am doing this thing solo. Anything's possible. Yeah. You don't need to. Anything can happen. Anything could happen. Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans. So this whole episode is about beans.

Yep. It all led us here. You don't have to be two peas in a pod. You can be your own little bean. In your own pod. You can be an edamame, a single edamame. You know the worst kind? It's lukewarm, kind of borderline cold, single pod.

Salty soy sauce. Edamames are, they're good. Yeah, but bad edamames. Don't get me started. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, folks. Oh, yeah, folks. All right, that's it.

The end of the Game Boy, the end of the episode. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you, Alia, for writing the opening theme song. Thanks for all those people who wrote in emails. The email address for everything is ifireadyoshow at gmail.com. This closing theme song is going to be, was written and created by Dominic Zelli of Deadpanned. I guess it's a remix? I don't know. That's what I wrote down. So thanks, Dominic Zelli of Deadpanned. I guess it's a remix?

I don't know. That's what I wrote down. So thanks, Dominic Zelli, Deadpanned Remix. Thanks, Aliyah. Thanks to you guys for listening. And then after the theme song, we're going to be talking about... If y'all are interested in internships, we're going to be talking about them in a few minutes.

Yeah, and if you're over the age of, let's say, 24, and you live far, far away, you can just treat this as the end of the podcast yeah we appreciate you listening we'll be back on monday later guys uh so how does this work this is an advice podcast people will write us to the firey show at gmail.com i can steal your cheese i like i don't think that'll ever get old. I feel like we're repeating ourselves, but it's subtle.

It's very subtle. It's super subtle, and it's not illegal. It's just vintage world. Take my name off the table. I don't want to know the worst part. You spent a bad amount of money. I spent a bad amount of money. Relax.

I am the master. No, you don't need the master. I don't need the master. You need the top. I want to know the worst part. That he's been a bad amount of money. Relax. I am the master. No, you don't need the master. I don't need the master to be the master, but just feel right when I ask you about the master. We're actually both the master. Mickey, my friend. Bull's clean. Dipshit. Yeah. And people always smile when So you think you can work for me? Bullshit, dude. You think you're fucking qualified? Let me see that resume. Oh, nice. You were a camp counselor. Why don't you wad this piece of shit resume up?

Actually, you guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to. This one was actually really good. This was a bad example. Oh, you went to Brown. My God. Damn it. You are actually overqualified.

Can I work for you, sir? Let's talk about internships. This is what we need. Right off the bat, college student. Because here's the thing. No money is involved in the internship. It's one of those school credit type things. So if you're at college that supports this uh system

yeah um of entering the workforce for a summer indentured servitude we call it yeah that's what we're looking for which is what i did when i was in college and which is what i did for college humor for a long time worked for completely free uh i think legally we have to cover their meals oh perfect so we'll do that free food and a foot in the door hell that sounds like a pretty good Completely free. I think legally we have to cover their meals. Oh, perfect. So we'll do that. Free food and a foot in the door. Hell, that sounds like a pretty good opportunity. And so you also have to be at a school that's willing to allow you to work for school credit rather than money.

Okay. And you also have to be living in Los Angeles. Yeah, ideally commutable to downtown LA for a couple days a week. Yep. And what would you say, are we doing it for like May to August, June to August?

Some sort of summer month, three month combination. I guess let us know your availability. Yeah. We'll sort of go based on that. And we need, I don't think it's gonna be every day. I think it'll be a couple days a week.

True? True. Truth. We're be a couple days a week. True? True. Truth. We're not looking for just one human. We're looking for three. Three lovely, overly qualified, underly prepared. Troglodyte cactus people. We are looking for one, a designer, a design intern.

Yeah, a lot of design stuff comes up, like Snapchat filters. We don't know how to do that. We have to pay somebody to do that. Oh, we need a new banner for our YouTube page. We don't know how to do that. Oh, we need a new sign for a show that we're doing. All this stuff comes up. And we could also overhaul lots of things, like podcast art for everybody that has shitty

podcast art. So are you a talented designer in college? Or illustrator or whatever? Are you good at drawing? Can you make stuff look good? Could you be an artist for us? Send us an email, ifiryshow at gmail.com. Another type of intern we're looking for.

Oh, by the way, the subject that you should email us with is potential intern. Right. Otherwise, it'll get lost. Yeah. We're going to filter potential intern right otherwise it'll get lost yeah we're gonna filter potential intern all right if you can spell those two words uh correctly you're already separating yourself from the majority of people send us a little uh i don't know what designers have a portfolio yeah uh and the equivalent of your work and then also we are looking for

a digital growth intern whoa what, what's that? I stopped saying social media because it sort of sounds bullshitty. I like that. Social media sounds like, oh yeah, I help with social media. It's like, oh, I could get Kleenex a thousand Twitter followers. It doesn't matter. We want digital growth. We want new podcast listens. We want new followers on our podcast social medias. We want to help our digital outreach grow. And what helps is posting, but we don't have time to post to Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram and this and that and the other. This would be for HeadGum and potentially also for me and you. Right. And that's also like the bare minimum is just like posting regularly we don't do that but like hey if you're smart and you've got some

ideas for social growth that's pretty cool too like if somebody followed us around and did a behind the scenes snapchat or instagram or something yeah that seems like something people would want to do start a head gum snapchat that's like something that we could just mention to our social media or digital growth intern. And, you know, they could help out. That would be great. And lastly, oh, the email for all this stuff is potential intern,

subject potential internet, ifireashow at gmail.com. And then, lastly, is just the miscellaneous jack-of-all-trades helping us out intern. Yes, the workhorse, beast mode intern that is, I guess, going to help us with everything from clearing out our email inbox. We have too many emails, too many questions. Trying to streamline that whole process.

They hopefully can coordinate our schedules. I guess do a lot of unsung hero work around the office. Yeah, whenever we need something done to be able to get something done. Are you somebody that just gets shit done? Yeah. That's what we need. We need somebody that's super organized, super on top of their shit, and can help us streamline the whole entire process.

So when you were in college, which one do you think you'd be most uh which one would you want to apply for uh the get you done kid the last one yeah that's what i was doing at college humor right right i would do design really what i can take a course you gave yourself a stick and poke smiley face tattoo. Shit. And it looks like shit. So if any of this stuff sounds interesting, appealing, fun, exciting to you, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Potential intern. Help us find you. And I'll tell you one thing.

When I applied to CollegeHumor, and I used to be in charge of the interns at CollegeHumor. Yeah. You guys, writing a good cover letter sets you apart immediately. It makes you look nice and normal versus crazy and bad. Right. So the, hey, fuckface,

I got nuggets for a meal. Hire me emails. You could just not send them. Yeah. Well, that's what you wrote, right? Yeah, exactly. Before you even, we started the you like nuggets thing.

You started, that was the beginning of it. Yeah. So yeah, send us a letter. Let us know who you are, what you are. Where you are and when you are. Nice. Most importantly, why you are.

Any type of resume, cover letter, portfolio. Just let us know a little bit more about you so that hopefully we'll be able to set up some Skype interviews soon and hire people accordingly. Right. And real quick, I recognize that a lot of, not a lot, but we've gotten a couple emails we'll be able to set up some Skype interviews soon and hire people accordingly. Right. And real quick, I recognize that a lot of, not a lot, but we've gotten a couple emails asking for internships in the past

from people who are super qualified and very proactive to ask about internships before we even offered them. But straight up, you will have to reapply with the subject potential intern because we're not going to be able to find all the other, the old emails, you know? Yeah. So resend that away.

Cool. We'll be back next week, guys. See you soon. Peace. That was a HeadGum Podcast.