Segments - 215: Prom Season

Episode Date: May 9, 2016

In this episode we discuss prom night, prom-posals, and prom-ises that were meant to be broken. This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com, Squarespace, and BlueApron! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys what no no no no jay herw, cool on the surface. Deep down, a monster straight burning like a furnace. A mirror over here calculating the likelihood of receiving some pussy because he's nervous like writing good at grandma's. Don't take that knowledge for real, because as they always swear, they're not experts in any field. A mirror's like Woody Allen in a button-up cardigan.

Jake's like Patrick Bateman, but he's funny in these arguments. So why are you still stressing over nothing? But dear coy bitch-ass divas, this is a subject on an email, but it must be severe if I were you, the podcast with Jake and Amir. Yo, yo.

What up? Love it. That's actually fat. Yeah, sometimes intros make me feel really cool. And? And that one did. That one did too. That's actually fat. Yeah, sometimes intros make me feel really cool. And? And that one did. That one did too. That one was written by somebody who calls himself the dumbest genius,

a cracker from the armpit of California who makes his own beats and raps and stuff. If you want to hear more, Google Ben, the dumbest genius. The theme song is attached. And then what he did was he added this Gmail has their own emoji. And this one is the pinch, the little lobster Gmail. Oh, tight, tight, tight, tight. I like that. The dumbest genius from the armpit of California.

Yeah. I love it. Would you say you're the dumbest genius or the smartest dummy? Oh, interesting. Are you smart for a dummy or are you smart for a dummy are you dumb for a genius i think i'm smart for a dumb person yeah and i think i'm dumb for a genius interesting maybe that's why we get along so well sorry i'm gonna crack this beer open real close to the mic so everyone knows you're drinking it oh even though you said you were excuse me careful this is your uh i i'm so surprised that you're doing this

this is unlike me for sure it's only like it's 6 p.m and you it's 6 42 which that's not the weird part of the beer the yeah i mean timing it's just i mean it's a little early to start pre-gaming yeah but in addition to that, you've... You've never seen me. I think you barely ever had beer like when you're forced to. Like when there's nothing to drink but beer. Right. I don't even know if you drink beer.

I never start my night with beer. It's always like a healthier version of continuing to be drunk while still like not having water. Oh, that makes sense. But you... I mean, also nobody nobody i'm not drinking no one here is drinking no one's forced this is the first time i've ever actively sought out a beer you were like i'm craving a beer right now uh what happened it was one i'm thirsty and sure beer is a drink too it's like saturday at 6 40 so like the night's starting to set and i like

oh maybe it'd be fun to have a drink during the podcast but i don't want like saturday at 6 40 so like the night's starting to set and i like oh maybe it'd be fun to have a drink during the podcast but i don't want like a whiskey at this point because i can't have a whiskey while it's still light out right uh and then i thought it would be fun to have me drink this beer for the first time on this podcast i wouldn't i do think you're not gonna like that beer that beer is it's highly alcoholic oh really uh it's an ipa so it's an indian it's a pale ale i was gonna say yep and it's pretty it's pretty bitter pretty strong okay um it's an ipa it's not an easily but it is it's a folks listening at home it's it's a grapefruit sculpin which is my all-time favorite beer it's a ballast point brewing coke grapefruit sculpin

which is a pale ale it's a hefeweizen it's a full-bodied not it's high on hot it's hoppy but it's not like dry it's okay so here we go i'm gonna have a sip of it andamere's dead awful do you not like it it's so salty. What? It tastes bitter and salty to me. So you are really unhappy with that drink? You don't taste the grapefruits in there? I do, but maybe that's why I don't like it. You know when you eat a grapefruit, it's super bitter? Yeah, I like that. Yeah, it's that bitterness coupled with the bitterness of beer. I never acquired this taste. There's a sweetness to grapefruit too oh this is my favorite i don't

oh my god i love it it's so good you think you're tasting the same thing i'm tasting and it just reckon you recognize it differently i i wonder i i mean because yeah people taste like um what's that um they taste what's that what's that uh uh fruit no no no it's olive oh cilantro yeah cilantro some people taste soap right and some people taste cilantro yeah and it's not like i like the taste of soap i just don't taste the soap no i think because when i drink beer i'm like I don't like that it's bitter and dry. And people are like, oh, I like that it's bitter and dry. Yeah.

Well, it's weird. I don't think I ever really taste dryness the way that some people do. Like, I think that's a, I don't, my taste buds haven't evolved to that point. Because some people are like, this wine's dry. And I'm like, well, it's still a liquid and it's in my mouth. Yeah. But does it make your mouth dry? Your tongue dry? To me, I well, it's still a liquid and it's in my mouth. But does it make your mouth dry? Pretty wet to me.

I don't know. Like a vermouth? Have you ever had a martini that's like olive juice and vermouth and it's just dry and sour? No. I don't like those either. I don't like olives. Maybe I should just drink apple juice from now on. I'll definitely get fucked up on that. So this is Saturday Night Edition of the If I Were You podcast.

It's an advice show. an advice radio show of sorts. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake, aka The Pinch. So I was looking for questions earlier, and you know, I kept seeing a common theme, and I think it's because of the time of the year. Oh yeah? Lot O prom questions.

Love it. Kids. I shouldn't say kids. Teens. 18-year-olds, 17-year-olds, 16-year-olds are going to prom. High school seniors. And some juniors. Yeah.

Sometimes you have a mix. And really cool sophomores. Oh, oh, oh. It's magic. We had like a junior and senior prom at my school oh for 11th graders and 12th graders there weren't enough kids at my school so i'm sorry to hear that yeah so now that i'm drinking i'm old enough to have a beer i feel like i'm old enough to be able to give prom advice definitely all prom advice should come from a 33-year-old drinking beer alone at his tent.

Sit on my lap and ask me Uncle Amir question. Did you go to your prom? I went to my prom, but I was very like, I didn't want to ask a girl out. I didn't want to date. You went stag. No, I ended up going with two female friends of mine. Oh, so you went as sort of like a pimp. Yeah, at first I was kind of a loser, but then it's like, oh, Amir has two dates. He's really cool.

That is really cool. Except without anybody thinking that other part. It was just like, oh, look at those three friends that went together because the guy was too embarrassed to ask a girl out. I think I went to a baker's dozen proms. Twelve proms. My senior year, I went to eight proms. And then where was the other five? My junior year.

You really went to 13, a baker's dozen proms. I at least, yeah, I went to at least that many proms. How do you go to eight? Well, I knew a lot of people from different schools. Sure. And I was a lot of people's backup date because I was friends with a lot of girls. Oh, like if no guy asks you out. Yeah.

And then, and lo and behold, the back update almost always was called upon. The hero that nobody needed, but they deserve. So it was kind of fun, but it was also a little stressful to go to so many proms where I didn't know anybody. Right. Or was it fun? Is it like going to a wedding where you don't know anybody? No, because high school kids are way, way less interested in meeting new people at their prom when you go to a wedding it's like

this is a fun thing like hey we're all gonna dance i want to make a new friend i want to hook up with somebody but uh high school prom is really a time to be with your best of best friends and then if you see someone you don't know or like you'll let them know it's It's very apparent. There's no being polite as a 17-year-old. No, but I broke through a couple of friend groups. Nobody's cool and nice at that age. All right, so here's one right off the bat. It's a lady. All right.

Why don't we just rifle through your prom dates that way? We'll definitely have enough questions and names for them. So who was your first prom date? What was his name? Very nice, dude. His name was Ryan. Oh my God. You're so bi-friendly. I love that. Claire. Claire was your first prom date? Very first prom date. Junior prom? Junior prom. All right. Claire writes, hey guys, I have a shallow problem, which is all prom related questions are shallow so my

granny surprised me by coming to stay with us for a few days everyone else in the house knew except me and that means she's going to be there on the day of the matric dance the equivalent of senior prom uh i really don't like having her here. She makes me uncomfortable. I am no longer excited about the dance. Am I just being a bitch? Can I do anything? Do I just go get ready somewhere else? Thanks, guys. Much love from South Africa.

That's pretty neat. All right. Cheers. This might be our first question from Africa, the continent of Africa. Grandma, come into the house can she do anything can i do anything about this i mean i'm not gonna sit here idly by while grandma's here too can i do i can't get ready around my grandmother i thought she's gonna be like and now i can't go to the dance but, it's just the fact that the grandma will be there during it. And like, her being there during the week is putting her in a bad mood. And now

she's not excited about the dance. I barely even want to dance anymore, because I'm in such a bad mood. I mean, what can I do about this? Okay, what do I do about my grandmother being in the house? If anything, it should make you more excited for the dance because it gets you out of the house. That's true. When you are around family a lot, sometimes the break feels more relieving. So when your grandma's there, maybe it's, as you describe it,

you really don't like having her there and she makes you uncomfortable, which is a mean thing to say about your nana yeah she did birth your mother or dada um i don't know why she's no longer excited about the dance the first question is am i being a bitch i would never use the b word sure but she is being mean yeah she's being a non-nice lady. Can I do anything? Can you do anything? Can she do anything? I think, well, you can always do something. Oh. You can always, that's a slogan that I live my life by. So at any given point, you can do something. Yeah. But sometimes the thing that you can do is get over it. Oh. Because your grandmother's, you know, not going to be

in your house for a long time, also not going to be alive for a long time. So sort of just don't worry, you're still in the prime of your life, focus on what's important. Not the fact that your grandmother's just in your house, but the fact that your grandmother is on earth, which is kind of nice. Barring that, I do, I will say that old people slip and die by falling down the stairs all the time. All the time. And. What does that mean? I'm not suggesting anybody murders their grandmother.

Obviously. Obviously. Very good. So don't put words into my mouth. I would never. But I would say if your stairs are slippery near the top, grandma might lose her balance. What do you mean? If you grease the railing all of a sudden.

I can't even have you go walk down this path. I feel implicated in some sort of morbid way. And I'm not even going to say, and I'm saying, actually, I'll go so far as to say don't give your grandma a little hip check when she's near the top of the stair. Right, but even you saying don't do it seems a little bit like a subtle nod wink, even if it's like one time out of a hundred. It's an SMDH, shaking my damn head at the thought, at the notion, at the very idea. Because my face, when MRW, my reaction when grandma spills down the stairs and lands on bay.

Yeah. Oh, I can't even imagine. Is no, no, no. Yeah. Show me the face and I'll describe it to people. Oh, yeah. So, he's got, it's sort of like a frown. You're baring your bottom teeth.

Yeah. It's sort of like an ooh face. Yeah. Uh-oh. Exactly. Yeah. Because she's basically, you know, sliding into your DMs. Yeah.

This is like the bad way to do it. Sliding out of your staircase. That's right. All right. Which is why we're not recommending it. Yeah. Do I just go get ready somewhere else? I guess we don't give a shit where you go get ready.

You should still get ready at your house. Grandma wants to see you. Yeah. She likes to see the light of the youth in your face and your skin, the glow in your eyes. One of the most universal manners or rules, societal norms, is to respect your elders. It seems like that is found in cultures across the board. Yeah. Except in South Africa, apparently.

Yeah, the struggle you're feeling right now must be universal because they had to make a rule about it because everyone was probably mean to old people. Yeah. That probably happened in the very second generation. They were just mean to the old people and the old people didn't even know what to do. They're like, everyone's mean to you when you're older. Well, what about the rule? You know, the rule where you can't be mean to me?

Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that's right. That's why the perfect age is 35, because you're the king of the adults. Like everyone who's lived between the ages of zero and 35, you're at the head of that. Yeah. But you're not so old where people are rolling their eyes when you walk in the room. Yeah, yeah. And old people are sort of like, oh, look at you and your peak. Yeah. But you're not so old where people are rolling their eyes when you walk in the room. Yeah, yeah. And old people are sort of like, oh, look at you and your peak.

Yeah, you're so young. 35. I remember when JFK was 35. My God. What a smile on that man. What a time. Why I'd fuck him. What's that?

What did you say, Grandma? Nothing. All right. Get over it. Get ready in front of your grandma. God forbid. Oh, no. nothing uh all right get over it get ready in front of your grandma god forbid oh no uh the the subject to this email was prom plus granny equal frowny face but granny's not going to your prom yeah she's just near you when you are she's not ruining anything you're ruining wedding granny it's like anything plus granny is a happy face who doesn't love their

grandma yeah get into it all right here's another one um guy's name i didn't ever go to the prom with a dude well we can still give him a female name. Maybe like one of those cool ambidextrous names. Oh, yeah, that goes either way? Yeah. Alyssa. Oh, that's like a cool, that's a cool guy. He's French. Alyssa writes, I just asked a crush of mine to this year's prom. We're both seniors.

I'm so excited to go with her. The one hesitation I have is that we haven't really talked or had classes together. We're old friends since back in fifth grade, but the type of friends that gives a smile and nod in the hall. I want to have fun at prom with her. So is there anything that I could do to get closer to her before prom? Should I ask her out on a date? What would we talk about? Please help. Love, Alicia. Elijah. Elijah. This is an interesting one. Asking someone to prom that you don't really know. Yeah.

And going on a pre-prom date. Is that what kids are doing nowadays? I wouldn't recommend that. You have to be friends with your prom. It's so much easier to just go with a buddy than to like go with a crush. Did you go with friends or did you go with girlfriends? A little bit of everything.

You did a mix and match. It was a mixed bag. Some of them were definitely like dates and a little more romantic. Some of them were strictly platonic friend things. Some of them were I had a crush and the other person didn't. And then some of them were that person had a crush and I didn't. And then one time I was was engaged to the prom. Wow, you were engaged.

I was engaged. You were fianced. I was a fiance. You were fianced that day. I went to the prom as a fiance. Did you debut? We saved the last diance. Oh, you dianced with your fiance?

I dianced with my fiance. Was it a debutante's dance? It was a debutante uh fiance so it was you your fiance the debutante dance you danced with your fiance in france oh in france yeah my prom was in france marseilles niche uh so congrats on asking this girl that you barely even know Sales. Niche. So congrats on asking this girl that you barely even know. What are your thoughts on a pre-prom date? Yeah, get to know her as well as possible before prom.

But does it really matter? You'll get to know her at prom. What is the big deal? I don't know, because it'll be sort of uncomfortable if you run out of things to talk about at prom. Yeah, you don't want to get the first date fully out. Like, what if the first date doesn't go well? Then she won't want to go to prom. Well, that's, I guess, a risk that you have to take.

But also, like, what are you going to... Probably have to, like, sit down and eat a little meal. It's kind of uncomfortable if you don't know the person. I know. What's the oldest that you can be at prom? Like, I probably shouldn't go to a prom, right? Like, I'm sure there's an email in here. Like as a chaperone, you could.

Chaperone would work, but like... Sure, yeah, you just have to talk to... No, yeah, I know. I was just thinking more of a holistic approach. Holistic approach. I don't think there's any other way. As a man about town. Oh, Christ. For me to be there. You want to go on a date with a 17 or 18-year-old to their prom?

I want to be a date of an 18-year-old at a prom. But you, I mean, I'm sorry. I want to be the guy who takes, I want oh you want a corsage you want to go okay for a second i thought you wanted to go with a group of guys stag so you could like walk around to all the trim that's there so it'll be a bunch of boys and me yeah yeah who's your uncle oh he's not my uncle he's this We do get invited to prom. Like, we got invited to a couple of proms on, like, Twitter and Snapchat this year. Right.

And then I hear about, like, you know, like, oh, like, Nicki Minaj shows up at this kid's prom. And it's, like, this fun little moment for him. But I feel like if I did that, I would get maced. Maced and hosed. It does not go. I don't think it goes the other way i wouldn't be on yahoo news if i went to a prom well you would be but the title would be uh amir blumenfeld crashed the senior prom and it was amazing silly internet comedian has a blast with

his boys no it's a pedophile small small Jewish man pedophile. Puny Jew man found at prom. Dead. Maced and destroyed by female date. Gym coach beats the shit out of this pervy prom goer. When asked why he went, the guy said he was invited on Snapchat. Phone has been seized and many other cases being looked into. So would you say go on a pre-date or not?

I think they should go on a pre-date. I think they should hang out as much before prom as possible. And I would say, don't blow your load too early. Save the magical first date for prom. She already said yes. The hard part's done. You don't need to go on a pre-date. How's the beer?

You know what? I can see why it's an acquired taste because to go from water to that is a huge step. But now that the taste is in my mouth, the drink is not giving me a new taste. It's just giving me liquid and adding to the taste that's already in my mouth. Sure. So it's not like...

So you don't like the taste still, but you've gotten used to it. Yeah, I've coated my mouth in this bitter dry salt. And then when I add that, it's like i'm drinking water that gets me a little tipsy interesting so maybe this is what liking beer is like i don't think so because i like the way it tastes okay very cool i don't coat my mouth with something awful just to get through it yeah you know when you take a shot and then you suck on a lemon and the lemon feels like pretty good right but if you just woke up and sucked on a lemon, that lemon would taste awful. Yeah.

Just some little things that I think about. I usually don't like to take the lemon after the shot. I love the way liquor tastes. But even a shot? It depends on what it is, but yeah, usually. Ugh, shots really burn. Like a tequila shot or a vodka shot. I love fucking, I just love alcohol.

I have a problem. That's really cool, dude. Yeah. That's actually really cool, the fact that you're like, you don't care. Do you mean that? Like, to be like, yeah, I just love alcohol. I have a problem. That's really cool, dude. Yeah. That's actually really cool, the fact that you're like, you don't care. Do you mean that? Like, to be like, yeah, I don't care if it's a shot of tequila. Like, it's good to you. You don't need the lemon.

That's like a really cool thing. Right. But like, what about the part where I was like, it's like detrimental to my health and my well-being. That's what makes it cool. Because you're like, I don't care about that shit. All I want to do is drink. I just like the way it tastes yeah and sometimes they do like self-medicate or like if i'm sad i'll drink or happy that's really cool that's actually really dope the part where i self-medicate yeah i'm

serious like when you're sad and you're drinking that's actually really right so i like drink to not feel stuff yeah that's really cool you think so i really think that's really cool because like i would not do that because i think that's unhealthy and kind of sad yeah the fact that you don't care about that it's actually really but do you think it's cool or do you think it's on because i didn't i think it's sad and that's what makes me not cool and the fact that you don't care oh you think it's really cool oh interesting it's actually really dope really it's like really really cool i just think yeah all right it's actually really dope you have finished your thought you finished your thought it's really cool okay i'm serious that's like you keep on like coming back to like you're gonna add something new but it's okay we all know

what you think it's cool all right uh a different girl's name uh i mean shit i actually didn't go to prom with anybody else. What's that? That's so sad. It's actually really cool, though. I'm trying to think in order. Caroline. Love that. Caroline, Claire.

No, Caroline. Caroline. I'm a sophomore in high school, and one of my best guy friends is a junior who recently asked me to prom. I know it was coming, and I was excited to go and have fun with my friends until I realized that he's taking this upcoming night way differently than I am.

I was hoping to go as friends, but I think he's expecting more. He knew, sorry, I've known that he had liked me for a while, but I've just played stupid, hoping that he would get the hint. Now that prom is readily approaching, I am getting more and more nervous and dreading the night so much that I'm getting sick to my stomach. I'm too nervous to talk to him about the dynamic of the night, but I don't want to go to prom with two different views on how the night will go. I really don't want to go, but I couldn't say yes since,

I couldn't not have said yes since he asked me in the middle of science class and I couldn't have easily declined it, especially since he came in with all of his friends, one of which was videotaping. Oh. I was so scared to reject him because he is so sweet and I don't want to hurt him.

Please help me. Thank you. I love the show was that a thing at your school because there are some questions in here about like ostentatious askings no that's like a new thing you think it's a a cause of the youtube generation yeah i think it's like an internet thing um maybe there was like no they're really in my school there was not everything's like a flash mob everything's a youtube or a snap or let's get this online it's like this big big extravagant the other thing that's fucking

really dangerous about prom is like any other time you ask someone out you can so easily like be like oh i i have to like look at my schedule like i i'm not entirely sure but i'll get back to you right and then like that gives you a little bit of time to work on your rejection yeah prom is like everyone knows when that date is and everyone's going everyone's free and if you don't have a date then you're like fucking open open season and if somebody comes in videotaping and they're like, will you go to prom with me? You can't say like, you can't be nice and say, oh, I actually, I got family in town or I'm not thinking about going. You have to be like, yes, I'll go with you or no, I don't want to go with you. I want to go with someone else.

Sorry. So what do you suggest for this lady? She's nervous. She doesn't want to go with someone else sorry uh so what do you suggest for this lady she's nervous she doesn't want to go she feels like she was whoa nice dude now you're drinking beer man do you really think so i fucking love it i'm i don't know it feels a little weird but maybe it's exciting in the same way yeah i'm like getting like a little thick-tongued oh no i think you're having a bad reaction it's the grit through you are breaking out knives man yeah for third for third uh-oh your eyes so swollen that it's swallowing your glasses i so swole motherfuckers want to find me whoa sorry excuse me i don't know if anybody heard or that fart picked up. That was a ripped roar.

But you burped, I fart. It's kind of cool. This is a gaseous clay, a gaseous play, a Muhammad Ali of sorts. What would you tell this lady? It really sucks. She's in a very shitty position. I think this happens to girls a lot more than guys, but it happens to guys too but like especially on prom night where they feel like they're shoehorned into somebody else's expectations yeah we're like

oh this person wants it to be romantic oh they're expecting a kiss and i'm going to disappoint them and i think the two two things to keep in mind are, one, it's fine to disappoint somebody. Yeah. Like, because the alternative to that is disappointing yourself. Which is worse. Like, if you hook up with this guy just because you pity him, you'll feel worse about yourself. So don't do that. That's correct.

And the second thing is just that give him the chance to be cool about it. Yeah. thing is just that give him the chance to be cool about it like he might be if you say he's a sweet guy i think there it's totally fine to like don't get so far down this road that it like you're really setting him up for disappointment you're just like hey i'm excited about prom i would if it was me i would tell my friends to make sure that he knew talk to one of his friends or talk to one of your friends who knows one of his friends. Just let it trickle back to him because it is also sort of annoying and uncomfortable to like text someone, hey, we're not gonna hook up.

And like he gets that text and he feels weird about prom, but- Send a messenger. Yeah, just like everybody in high school does, communicate through your friends so you're sort of blunting the trauma. All right, this is what i would do if i were you since this that was that was the polite professional um adult mature way to deal with

it deal with it is tell them the truth right off the bat if i were you i would blame my parents my parents won't let me go oh no that's it you can't that's it you can't not go yeah she could not go she it's Is it her prom? No. She is a sophomore. She's a sophomore. He's a junior. He's inviting her.

My parents don't want me to go. Fine. It depends how close prom is. If you're like literally standing him up with no date, he would rather go as friends than have you straight up bail. Yeah. I guess. The two choices are let him down and give him a prom date

or let him down by not showing up. It's so much better to let him down. Well, I don't think she should ghost him or stiff him or what's it called

when you don't show up the night of? Stand him up. What is it? Stand up. Yeah, stand him up. I don't think you should do that

but I think if you want out you can definitely blame your parents. I do it all the time i remember how we were supposed to play racquetball yesterday and i said my mom was in town i needed to go to see my parents yeah i didn't do that you didn't even tell me that till 20 minutes after we were supposed to be playing racquetball yeah i texted i was there on the court with my goggles and the little blue racket ball yeah of course you're wearing two knee pads yeah and rocket ball shoes yep and i texted you and i said my parents are here and i have to see my parents and i said oh are you sure oh yeah i remember that yeah and you're you're so nice about it you're like i totally understand yeah i was like that's so cool that you're hanging out with your rental units yeah um i'll find a pickup game around here. And I wandered

around the courts, the racquetball courts, as you know that we both do sometimes, just trying to find a casual pickup game. A partner. And I was mercilessly beaten in an alley. By who? By alley. Just a couple of bikers. They were all named Alley. They were the Alley Cats. I can't help but feel partly

irresponsible. So those are two ways you can deal with this situation. Two answers for the price of fun. Let's take a break and we'll come back after these messages. Doses. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

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Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it

out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself

or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy you squarespace and we're back good lord fuck me hey you welcome to the if i were you show we already did that we already did it your beard i'm sorry i don't want to put you on the bus but you i picked it up it is more than three quarters of the way full yeah yeah no i know i'm just dumb right now i'm not drunk at all i'm just feeling slow groggy voice uh this is our

first episode being released since all 10 episodes of lonely and horny are available the complete season one uh is just waiting for you not to to mention the 15-minute behind-the-scenes. That's right. If you buy the whole season in one fell swoop for $15, you can watch the 15-minute behind-the-scenes making of, which is just the cast and crew having a great time. Yeah, you get to see that we're all a nice, big, happy family. We're joking around.

We're making yuck-yucks. We're making fun of each other, but in to see that we're all a nice, big, happy family. We're joking around. We're making yuck yucks. We're making fun of each other, but in a way that's cool because, oh, I can make fun of him because he's my brother. But if you say anything about Bobby, I will fucking knock your teeth out. A brother at arms. We can razz him. You can't. You can't even talk about him. Everyone who's seen it and weighed in and tweeted and Facebooked and let us know how much they like it has been great.

Yeah. And if you've been waiting to binge, now's your opportunity. Yeah. You can now buy them and watch them back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. Which I haven't even done yet. Neither have I. I've not watched 10 in a row. Nor have I.

I don't know when we can do that. Maybe we could do some sort of screening at our office for like fans or something that would be dope we should do a lottery uh yeah so we'll like line them up but how do we choose the winners i don't know we have to figure something out maybe i'll search like most jewish can you filter by gmail most jewish names or something oh no is there a way to like on Twitter say like, who are my followers? So I have 130, whatever thousand followers. And then it's like filter them by how hot they'll be.

No, there's not that either. No. All right. Or even on Instagram, hot Jewish person. Is that what you're looking for? I was just saying like,

if there's a way like on Instagram to see like, okay, I, these are all my followers, but then also who are my hot Jewish female followers? Yeah. I don't know i don't think so but also that's a shitty uh outlook yeah yeah i shouldn't want to do that so it's fine that

it's not even like that's not it wouldn't even be possible right no we already said that and the fact like it's not it's not doable or it hasn't been done or it's unable to be ever done yeah wow you are not giving up i'm just doubling down on it huh doesn't matter stupid idea won't even come up again it better not yeah okay so i got a question for you sure um are you on the uh lonely and horny page uh i can be could you tell me who's winning london or uh london or London or Canada? London v. Canada. Sorry, England v. Canada. Right now, England is beating Canada by maybe 1% of total sales. Wow.

It's a close one. USA has like 55%. Then England has 12%. Canada has 11%. Then England has 12. Canada has 11. Then it goes down to Australia. Sweden. What up, Sweden? What's N-O-K?

Norway? What's D-K-K? Denmark? Diddy Kong? What's C-H-F? I don't know. Well, we got a lot of acronyms that we can't quite decipher. But yeah, England v. Canada is the closest two.

All right, Canada, step it up. We should go to London, I guess. Yeah, we're trying to. You said we would go there if they got more sales. Yes. And as of right now, they are. Maybe after Dublin, we could try to hook that up. The Dublin tickets are not available yet.

Yeah, but can we talk about it at all? I guess we could say at the end of July, we'll be at some sort of comedy festival there. Yeah, we'll be in Dublin. It's going to happen. We're coming. Yeah, for sure. And then hopefully London after that.

And then we have to decide what's gonna be our Iceland trip. What's gonna be our Berlin trip? Where in the Europe, where in the Euro Union should Jake and Amir go? Yeah, top shortlist for me right now is Portugal, Croatia, and Israel. Really?

Yeah. Amsterdam's not on your list. I do want to go to Amsterdam, but I guess it's not on the list. I would say Israel's always up there. I have family there. Amsterdam, I've never been. That would be really fun. I've also never been to Spain.

Yeah, Spain. I've been to Spain at least once. What's the beer like there? Because I feel like in a weird fucking way I'm becoming a connoisseur. You're a beer Somali ale yourself. Listen to this. That's a really nice pale ale. Oh, God. Do you think that's what connoisseurs say? Where is this bottled? That's some really good swill.

What do you call this canister? I think swill inherently means that it's bad. You call it a can for short. I love that. Every region has its own special word for this holder. This little freaking metal tube that I drink this golden soda out of. And if they have beer in Spain, then count me the fuck out. So you don't want to go.

I don't. I really don't like this, actually. And if it's like, you know how some colleges have a big Greek culture? Yeah, there's a big beer culture. Yeah, if it's like a beer culture, I don't think I fit. Are you drunk? Do you feel a little buzzed? feel a little tipsy yeah that's fun like a little silly that's cool a little loopy love that have you already showered yeah so you're like ready to go for the night well you're wearing sweatpants but outside from that yeah once i put on my pants i'll be

able to go out are you gonna change your underwear just take off the pants put on new jeans yeah that's right take off the pants keep the underwear my underwear clean cool what about the white tee i don't know should i do the white tee or should i wear something else i don't know i like the white tee you know i was thinking about wearing glasses tonight really yeah that's pretty dope what happened to the glasses that you have that you never wear uh those are the ones i'm gonna wear but you know tell me if this is a real thing or if like the glass the reason i don't wear the glasses that often, I feel like we should not be talking about this in the podcast because it's so boring. But I don't want to look like a loser. It feels like my peripheral vision.

Yeah. It's just so big. Like there's such a large window that's not the glasses. Oh. So like when I wear them, I don't like, I still don't see that well. Like most of. Your glasses, I will say, are pea-sized. They're the circumference of a little pea.

I look like Benjamin Franklin. Yeah. Tiny little bifocals. Yeah, little glass discs. Roughly the circumference of a corn nut being held together by stiff floss. I think your glasses are big enough that that's not actually the case. Like, right now I'm looking to the left and it's all glasses. I'm looking up. I guess up is a little blurry and down is fine. Oh, when I look left, I see no glasses. Oh, it's open? Yeah. But straight ahead, that's the key. Yeah, but like when I'm

driving and I like, you know, check to see if anybody's coming before I cross the street, it's like glasses fully gone. Oh, interesting. I wonder if I'm just used to it or if my glasses are extend wider than yours. Right, that's my question, is if it's something that I get used to and I should just keep on wearing them and power through, or are my glasses too narrow? Oh, interesting. Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't talk about this. This is boring. All right. Well, I thought you might be able to help. What do you think I'm wrong? Fucking asshole.

I jacked the show. Dumbass problem. Piece of shit. Great. Now, I really don't even know if we can... Do you want to end it? Yeah, let's... Thanks so much for listening. The first theme song was from the dumbest genius. I'm really sorry about that, you guys. Like, he never, has never, ever, ever fucking derailed a fucking podcast like this. You fucking got drunk off.

This was a 9-11 times 50. It was a hijacking. 9-11? It really fucking was. In terms of this podcast, this was a national tragedy, a travesty, what you did tonight. So I'm America's most wanted now. What you did tonight was unexcusable, inexcusable, disgusting. Should we try to answer one more prompt question before we have to go?

I don't know if we have time. I honestly don't. We have a lot. Let's do a speed round. Okay. Got honestly don't. We have a lot. Let's just speed around. Okay, got one. Okay. All right, this one's easy. Female name?

Emily. Wow. Close to her actual name. Not that I'll say her actual name, but just know. Hey, guys. My name is Emily, and I'm currently a senior at,

we don't have to say, and my friend Kai, maybe we should say, because you'll see. Kai and I are huge fans of yours. In fact, one of the first times we spoke was when I recognized him that he was wearing a Jake and Amir shirt and making a Jake and Amir reference. I want to ask him to prom, and I thought of the perfect way to do so was through you guys. I would love it if you can help me with my promposal on either snapchat or the podcast i understand you're very busy people so i get if this is too much of a hassle but it would really make my and kai's year so i guess we can say kai will you go to prom with emma

that's her name dude does she say when the uh prom is happening uh two weeks ago hopefully no this email was sent last week. So hopefully it hasn't happened yet. Hell yeah. Which is almost better than the fucking, the poster or the show

or the video, the flash mob. How would you do it if it was today? I would be too embarrassed. Yeah, I would do it the same way I did

way back when. Which was? Over AIM. Really? Always online? No, well, I only asked one person at prom.

Everybody else asked me. Oh. What up? Here's another one that's kind of similar. Hey guys, my name is Matthew and my dilemma is this. I don't know how to ask my lady friend to senior prom. I don't want to walk into her class with a poster like most people do. Not because I wouldn't, but because

she specifically asked me not to, and I would want to do something more unique. It would mean so much to me if you guys could give her a shout out on the podcast and say something along the lines of, Dylan, Matt wants to know if you'll go to prom with him. I completely understand if you guys prefer not to do something like this, but it would really mean a lot. So we got two right off the bat. Two promposals? Yeah, two promposals. One is from fake name Emily asking Kai. Yeah, well, her real name was Emma, so we can do that.

All right. Kai, will you go to prom with Emma? You know what we should do? We should arrive in the school with a poster. That way they still get the poster thing. Right, that's the most important part, the poster. Imagine how mortifying it would be. I would never walk into a class that a girl's there with a poster that says, will you go to prom with me? A poster.

Never have children. I will never do it. Can you imagine writing that poster at home? Are you hoping to God your parents don't see you? Are they helping you buy the poster? They they helping you buy the poster you're helping you buy the potion man then you wrote you come into school you're holding the poster you have to have the poster it doesn't fit your backpack yeah you gotta you have to and and god damn what happens when they say no when you go home with your dad who went out and got you the glue and the glitter oh you glitter it oh you got to yeah and and and uh and he says well hey champ yeah how'd it go uh-huh uh and then you you just shake your head and your dad says ah son help me you're no son of mine help me scrape the glitter off i kept the barcode sticker

on the back of it so we could return this little shit. The saddest thing of all is how cheap your father is. Yeah, the G comes off pretty freaking easily, just like you. God, I wish I could remove you from the poster. Christ. Can I return you to your mother? God, just a dad trying to push his son back into his mom's vagina. Return to sender.

Back from whence you came, son. Oh, oh, I'm in her. It worked. Wait another nine months and maybe you'll be a man. I'm in her. I'm in her. What's insane is that i birthed the loser and then he drinks the beer like this oh not bitter or salty i actually like the way that tastes very very cool uh all right that's

it no more prom questions what was the the promposal for Dylan and Matt? Oh, yeah, Dylan. Matt wants to know if you go to prom with him. I completely understand if you guys prefer not. You don't have to say that part. Yeah, yeah, that's the part. All right. So there you have it.

Cheers and toadah, folks. Have a happy prom. Happy prom season. Happy prom New Year's uh the opening theme song was written by dumbest genius this closing one is written by black knights it's a rap it's a rap group uh if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions your own anything oh we should say uh sorry the email address is if i were you show at gmail.com we got a bunch a bunch of um potential intern candidates.

We haven't reached out to any of them yet. We're still collecting, assessing, and judging silently. So if you haven't heard from us yet, that's why. And if you have been dragging your feet, this is the last week that I think we're going to accept submissions. Yeah, we really got to figure some people out.

Again, Lonely and Hor horny vimeo.com slash lonely and horny let us know what you think let us know what your favorite episode is favorite lines favorite moments uh please oh i also got two real quick three real quick things to plug just one first of all i know i know first of all we went to the She Didn't Text Back live show on Friday, which was yesterday, as were whatever. But we went. It was great. I highly recommend checking out those guys' podcast.

Perfect. William Haynes and Darren Von Gerdner. Second, I guessed it on Billy and Adam's No Joke podcast, talking about directing Lonely and Horny. That was really good. If you guys are still thirsting for more just funny people talking about interesting things,

Billy and Adam are super, super funny, very uniquely interesting comedians. And they have an episode with Jake where they talk about directing, including Jake's experience directing Lonely and Horny. Yes. And lastly, I think I said two things, but it's the third thing. I was also on my mother's podcast again, talking about dating with my sister.

So she didn't text back. No joke with Billy and Adam. And then you're back on your mom's podcast, The Easy Chair. Yes. There's always more content on the HeadGum Network. So when you're done with this one, if you're still aching for more, let's say you like wrestling. We have a wrestling podcast.

Let's say you want to hear from Dan Klein and Kelly or John Gabrus or Twinnovation Boys. We have podcasts for everybody. So check them out. That's it. That's our time. We'll be back, I think on Monday. But toad off for listening.

But he was too quick for his sneakers. couldn't find a pad to contain his crossover fade away three game seven series over what up you motherfucker that's still listening i love that very very cool it means you're driving and you're being safe and not skipping to the next podcast. And it means you're a fan of us, which means we're a fan of you, which means you might be a fan of a friend of ours, Alison Williams. That's right. What is Alison doing with her time? You know, she's not just wasting it like we are. She's actually doing something good.

Yeah, she's doing charitable shit. Uh-huh. So we figure since we're not going to do charity ourselves obviously the least we can do is to promote her promoting charity right so if you guys go follow just follow her on instagram check out what she's been doing the last few days what she's going to continue doing this week and if you feel compelled give a little uh and it's uh Her Instagram is just AW. Yeah. From what I can tell, she's teaming up with brands. And then 100% of the proceeds of these special items that are being sold are going to Horizons, which is a charity that she's helping out.

And they help teach kids and shit. Yeah. So you can't really argue that it's like not a good one. So if you want to buy shit and then that money goes to helping teach kids and shit, do check out Alison Williams' Instagram to see exactly the specific details of how you can help.

That's AW on Instagram. Pretty easy to remember, folks. Toe-duh. And we'll be back next week. Later. That was a HeadGum Podcast.