Segments - 216: Cool Snack

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

In this episode we discuss coffeeshops, immortality, and partying with your dad. This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace and MeUndies! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

His name is Jacob. Loves his mama. Amir is his partner in crime. These two dudes sharing their wisdom and giving some needed advice. It's if I, if I were you, show. If I, if I were you, show Starts now That could melt my little heart. Really easy listening.

The little icicle my heart is. That is so, I love that song. That lady who made that song is named Shirley, last name X-U you how do you pronounce that shirley zoo zoo zoo zoo zoo i said zoo zoo i think zoo i don't know uh i guess you could call it a parody of free fallen she says but it actually ended up sounding nothing like the original but the yeah i mean whatever it sounded beautiful it sounding nothing like the original. But the, yeah, I mean, whatever. It sounded beautiful.

It sounded better than the original. Honestly, Tom Petty dropped the ball when he didn't make the song about us. What? I'm serious. How do you figure that? I think I might be a little petty for wanting him to have made the song about me, but I guess I might not have been around when he wrote the song, but I think you should read it. Don't brush it off like that's why he didn't write it about you because he's written songs since you've quote

unquote been around yeah but not really since i maybe since i've been born but i don't know if he's like knows who i am he doesn't don't say you don't know if he knows who you are and even if he didn't careful because you might say something hurtful that you can't take back. What's hurtful? That I don't think Tom Petty has written songs about me. Has written? And I won't back down. Do you think that's

about me, or do you think that's about some other shit? I think that's about being resilient. Standing up to the elements. Right. So that's why I was thinking, maybe it was... I don't think it's about you.

Okay, buddy. Let's start the show. Sure. Sure. Shirley, thank you. From Canada. Much love. Beautiful song.

This is If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And last week we recorded an episode Saturday night. I was trying beer for the first time. Loved it. You hated it. A lot of people said, oh, don't try IPAs. IPAs aren't good. Then people said,

fuck that. IPAs are the best. You suck. They actually are good. Yeah. It turns out, I guess, the way things taste is subjective. So some people like IPAs, some people don't. Right. How about drinking a Corona or something? Oh, that's pretty actually. Yeah, something easy.

Like easy listening. Like Shirley's song. Right. I think I'm just going to not have beer. That's cool too. Yeah. That's cool. But there are cool things that i like

like basketball yeah like basketball i can i like when like dipping celery into hummus it's not cool that's a cool little snack it's i mean no it's not a cool snack what about baby carrots is that a cool snack i don't think there's a cool maybe like an apple is the only cool snack green right uh either or and do you wash it or do you just sort of brush it on your shirt oh definitely a brush on the shirt and i don't think it could be a red delicious it's got to be a macintosh or a uh granny uh granny smith a crisp sour apple yeah crisp is for sure. And then the rubbing on the shirt, what does that do exactly?

It sort of gets the dirt from your shirt onto your food. That way you're eating your shirt dirt food. Yeah. Yeah, that way you're having shirt dirt. Shirt dirt for food. Another cool snack is... Almonds. To sort of jigger around almonds in your palm.

And then you flick them into your mouth. Right. That's cool. That's a cool food. That's pretty cool. Yeah. What's another cool food? Oh, grapes.

They're all right. Like picking grapes. And again, it's all about the tossing into your hand. So you're not actually placing it into your mouth. You're sort of, once again, shaking them in your palm and sort of just tossing them. Yeah. Anything you can toss, like an almond or a grape but not an m&m because that sort of shows that you're weak will yeah because when you when you when you did when you do the uh what's it called the shaking the shaking the toss of an m&m that sounds like it sounds like a tic-tac container

it's like yeah our tic-tac is a cool snack i don't think so neither what's another cool snack uh i don't know man we came up with three how many you want to what's a non-cool snack um tuna eating tuna out of a can squeezing mayonnaise into the can and eating tuna with a plastic spork that's not necessarily cool yeah definitely not all right so this podcast is all about what foods are cool what foods are not anything new in the world of cool food uh like a new fruit or something that's out there eating kiwi with a spoon a pear is a pair of cool food a pear is pretty cool it's it's almost like an apple a peach yeah any any nut fruit any stone problem with those is that like a peach and a plum can be a little too juicy.

So you take a bite, and then all of a sudden it starts coming down your chin. You have to lean over. It depends on who's eating it. You have to lean over. Damon's not drooling fucking peach juice down his chin. You think Damon has a good suction cup on a plum? No. So it's like he bites it, sucks the juice.

Oh, yeah, yeah. None of it's on his chin at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like he dribbles the juice down. Oh, no. No, he's a clean plum eater. Yeah. Yeah.

And Damon, when he tosses the almond or the grape, he gets a pretty good distance too. You're like, wow. From his belt. Yeah, yeah. Off his dick. And he never has anything in his teeth either. Right. Like when Damon flosses for like just for show.

Right. There's no like he doesn't have anything there. He's got the pinkest gums you've ever seen yeah just healthy yeah healthy pink gums good night everybody uh no this is an advice show it's an advice podcast people will email us at ifireeshow at gmail.com seeking our guidance um you know this is our it's it's been three years this is our three-year anniversary show and happy anniversary thank you okay i was gonna keep on going make you feel a little special but wow you got me something i feel like a jerk i'm so sorry oh no no no that's a diamond ring behind my chair that was pretty cool of you dude i do appreciate i got you a bracelet thank you i don't quite need it but i appreciate i got myself one too all you have to do is venmo

me i'm not gonna do that 800 bucks i know all right. By the way, I saw the receipt and it was for $430. You wanted me to pay for both gifts? I thought you should. Asshole. So after three years, we're pretty much on our way to becoming experts, so I understand why people trust us. Yes. So these are emails from real people. As always, we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity.

You got it. These are questions that I chose without you. i have not heard these questions do you want to read them oh sure uh all right i'm gonna give you one right now it's uh we'll call this guy um what's another uh another head gum podcaster's name? We'll call this guy Dan Klein. Oh, cool. So Dan Klein writes, Hola, amigos. Classic. I have liked this girl for a while now,

and she just got out of a relationship. We've always had a special connection, and we both know if we start hooking up, we would probably end up only hooking up with each other, which I would be very happy about. The one problem is that she knows this, and because she just got out of a relationship, she wants to sleep around a bit before she settles down again, which I can respect. The problem I have is my friends keep telling me that she wants to hook up with a couple people in my close group of friends, which I would be kind of upset about because I really like this girl. Do I have the right to tell her not to do that?

I'm hoping my friends also won't be complete assholes since they know I like her, but I'm not entirely sure how to make sure this doesn't happen. Thanks, Dan Klein. So this girl wants to sow some wild oats before settling down with Dan. Much respect, much respect. Dan doesn't have a problem with that. Dan is the man. He's like, do your thing, girl.

I'll be here. I am waiting. And then she's like, well, actually, a couple of the people I want to sow these wild oats with are your close bros. Yeah. And he's like, all right, well, that's a pill i don't think i can really swallow right now as it so happens i wouldn't like that so it's funny because it seems at least a little bit like he's overstating his uh his connection with this girl he's like she knows that if we hook up we're just gonna start dating yeah so she wants to hook up with all my best friends you know how a girl's always wanting to fuck your best friends first uh it's such an

i'm interested in dating you but i should really sleep around with your friends and then get together if you want to be my lover you got to get with my friends that's what that song's about it's funny because it doesn't really mean anything and yet it means a lot like if. Like, if somebody secretly hooked up with all my friends and then started dating me and I never found out, I would never know. I would never care. Right, but all your friends are sort of, like, goofing on your ass. Oh, yeah. There's a ton.

You can't ever be mad at a friend, and then he always has the trump card of, yes, that being said, I did fuck your wife. Yeah. I fucked your wife before. I don't know what you want me to say. I think it's extra bad if, like, two of your friends, like, could say, hey, we all, like, we, like, the three of us are Eskimo brothers. Yeah, with your wife.

Yeah. I think it's a little bit of a bummer. It's weird because, like, he would rather he would rather her just fuck five strangers than the five guys he knows. Yeah, fuck two Advil and call me in the morning. You know, that old phrase. Would it be a deal breaker if a lady that you had a crush on blew me? I said, call me Blo me because she blew me yeah i mean if a girl that i liked hooked up with you and then wanted to hook up with me i think i would probably not do it

really yeah just because i've soiled her i think maybe because it could have been because of the way you're talking about blew me uh but yeah i don't know it would i would just probably be less attracted to somebody if they hooked up with a bunch of my friends and i think i don't know i shouldn't feel like that but i do right and then think of it the other way around you think a girl whatever or a guy would ever tell a girl that like hey i really like you but i'm gonna hook up with your friends the girl that the friends would never do it yeah you, but I'm going to hook up with your friends. The girl, the friends would never do it. Yeah. You know what? I think I would hook up with somebody that you had hooked up with. Like I wouldn't care about that, but I'm not sure I would like really fall for that person. Start a relationship. Yeah. I don't know how seriously

I could take somebody after she had hooked up with like, no offense, but my ugliest friend who what you're one of my uglier friends uglier ugliest well i'm trying to think if i have any friends i definitely know people who are certainly you know some that are more busted than i well i'm not friends with anybody uglier than you but i know there are uglier people in the world name one baby i'm all ears i think donald trump is a very hideous looking man. And would you say he's less attractive than me? I think personality wise, he's better than you. Okay.

All right. He's a bit more likable somehow. Nice. Nice. Dig deeper then. Name someone who's uglier than me. They can be any age. I hate that I have to specify.

But yeah, let's go any age. Do you know that guy Sumner Redstone? Yeah, he's 94. You and him are the same level. Okay, so we're inching closer. Bottom floor. I don't think, yeah. Actually, your latest girlfriend, Blue Sumner Redstone.

Now you're doubly fucked. So does this guy have the jurisdiction to tell her not to do that? I mean, she's already done it. It's already happening. Can he say, hey, I'm not going to say they're off limits. That being said, if you hook up with my friends, I don't want to be with you anymore. As soon as you say someone's off limits, then they are so much hotter. So I think you just got to be like, I think the key is to just become uninterested in this girl. Oh, so to change your brain.

Yeah, because as soon as he stops caring, then it doesn't matter who she hooks up with. And then as soon as it doesn't matter who she hooks up with, that's when he's going to look a little bit more attractive. That would be a fun little movie, short film, where a guy creates this thing where he can choose who to have a crush on. Yeah. So instead of like, I don't know, I'm falling for her, and I wish I can do something about it. It's like, oh, yeah, you can just turn it off.

Yeah, I can. And then you turn it on and you... Dial it back. Look at somebody else, lock it in, dial it up. Yeah, which is how you say you sort of live your life. Live your life. It seems like you live your life constantly being struck by Cupid's arrow. You have a crush on this person, a crush on this person, then it goes away, then it comes back, up, down, left, right, all around. No rhyme, no reason, just who's there, who's available.

But the arrow is just a glass of alcohol. Are you talking about me specifically? Yeah. Cupid's quiver doesn't really need to be an arrow for eye. Yeah. It's more just like a shot of whiskey. Yeah. And an idea. And I've become a little cherubic angel baby boy. A sip of rye and a Drake song.

And I am proposing to anybody that will listen. I'm down to fuck a cucumber if it's two drinks and two song i saw that i did see you fuck a cucumber earlier not in the way anybody's thinking just i penetrated it straight through the middle like a lincoln log it was amazing so what do you think uh i think maybe this guy can at least tell this girl, like, hey, do whatever you want, but just know that if you hook up with my friends, I don't think I want to be with you. Then maybe she can at least make an educated decision. Right. You're not telling her not to, but you're saying, hey, listen, babe, it's me or them. So if they have that type of relationship, then it makes a little bit of sense.

But you could also wait until she hooks up with one of them and then be a little cold. And then she'll be like, what's the matter? And then you're like, Oh, nothing. I just don't care about you anymore.

How do you like that? I took this pill. Uh, all right. Next question. This one is from, was that last one? Yeah.

Last one's from a dude. So let's do this one from a lady. Got a lady podcaster we can use? Laura Lane. Hell yeah, dude. Jack Amos. My name is Laura Lane. I'm a senior in high school, and I've been a fan since I was measly 12 years old,

and I can't even explain the impact you guys have had on my life. I've written a few times, but I definitely need help on this. So there's this coffee shop that I love, and I often go into in my free time. One of the guys that works there is an absolute specimen, and he is extremely friendly to me, and often makes conversations and jokes with me about a drink that shares my name. These flirty conversations usually last anywhere from two to ten minutes, so I felt confident that he was interested in me. I was downtown for a farmer's market with some friends just a few blocks away from the coffee shop. It was close to closing time, so I figured it would be a good time to go in there and ask for his number. I went in, and he greeted me very sweetly,

said, hey, and I said, hey, I totally forgot to get your name and number last time I was in here. He laughed and gave me his name and number and proceeded to ask me about my night. I texted him later that night and I said, hey, this is Laura Lane. Thanks for still giving me your number after that super suave pickup line. And then he said, well, I was way too flattered not to. I don't think I've ever been picked up in that way. Off to a good start, right? We proceeded to text for two more days. Things like, where are you from? Just basic getting to know you stuff. He told me he recently moved here and I said, why did you move here? And he never replied. I don't understand. I don't think anything was going wrong. Do you guys have any ideas as to

why he wouldn't reply to my last question i think he was into me but maybe i was reading too far into it should i text again should i go into the coffee shop and say something any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks for everything love laura lane i it has never been more clear to me oh do you know that he has a girlfriend? Really? Yes. So he let it go this far to stroke his ego. Yeah. And eventually he had to cut it off. Yep. And it could have been any text.

He was too much of a coward to ever say anything. He liked the feeling of the phone vibrating. He liked having somebody pine after him. Yeah. He liked the attention. Sure. He liked feeling wanted. Uh-huh.

And he didn't have the courage to straight up say, I have a girlfriend. But when it was time to finally say it, that's when realization struck and he said, I can't do this. And then he stopped responding. He said nothing at all. Yeah. Nothing at all. And that says everything.

And with what percent certainty are you that he has a girlfriend? A thousand. That's okay. All right. So let's say even if you're 99.9% sure, which is very close to absolute certainty. Yes. Is it worth that one in a thousand chance?

No. For her. You didn't even let me finish my question. Sorry, go ahead. Is it worth that one in a thousand chance no for i know it's not it seems like it's coming out involuntarily but let me at least finish the question i want you to and i'll go bad that i'm stepping on your toes here should i start even after that because i feel like when i say the word chance yeah that's that's like some sort

of mental trigger for you to say no yeah no, no. You're right. Yeah, no. Skip ahead, I guess. All right. So pretend I said one in a thousand chance. All right. Okay, one second. To text this guy? Because what if he doesn't have a girlfriend?

What if he didn't get that? Sorry. What if he didn't get that text what if he is still interested what are the odds that he will eventually be with this girl if she texts him again um he has a girlfriend and if he doesn't he does so do you suggest her texting anything or playing are we are we at an age anymore where texts don't go through sometimes no it's pretty much always you get them you'll get them yeah i think we're almost to the point where people can't say hey i didn't get it i didn't get that text or like i you know what

i've gotten a couple times on like dating apps it's like hey for whatever reason this app never notified me right does that ever happen like an app didn't notify yeah maybe so but these are sometimes when you're using it the notification comes at the top and not on the lock screen yeah well you know what also is kind of weird is like um sometimes you'll get a notification on your lock screen but like if you swipe down like as you're looking and it goes to like you know this random date screen yeah and then And then you go back up. It's gone. It's gone. Right.

So you don't see it. That being said, this guy has a girlfriend. Definitely. So what's the move for her? To never respond. Ever. Yeah. I guess if she wants, it sounds like it's eating away at her a little bit.

She wants some sort of clarity. And I think what you want to advise her is to send one more text. Yeah, why not one more text? She has nothing to lose. She's already at zero. Yeah. So it can't go worse from there. Up to anything fun this week.

Boom. The end. Going in to the coffee shop ever again. Not until he at least responds to this next text. What if he doesn't respond to the next text? You can never go back to the coffee shop? Then I would get all of your hottest friends together and go back and make him feel like kind of an ass. Oh, hottest guy friends.

Hottest guy and girl friends. Just like the sexy, sexy crew. Go in and don't even say hello to him. Oh, what do you say? Just like, order your coffee. Coffee, black, honey. Ever heard of me? Black is your heart, you son of a bitch and then piping

hot you pour it down the front of his shirt piping hot like my sexy crew you're not here with anybody uh your card was declined was it it was anmex purple like your heart. What are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know anything. So your answer lies somewhere in the either never text him ever again, go into the coffee shop casually like this conversation never happened, or fire that one last bullet. Although things are desperate, desperate. If a guy really wanted to, he would not only,

like even if he didn't get it he would have responded again like if the guy's really interested he texts twice in a row i agree uh so you're that being said i mean go for it i don't think it's gonna work but i think you'll you'll get the closure that you're seeking yeah or move cities go to a different coffee shop marry somebody else and then uh after having a long life, walk back to the coffee shop, hope that guy is still working there in some capacity. The old janitor. Yeah, you're 80 years old. You have your grandchildren with you, and then you say,

Tony, Tony's your grandchild. Tony, do you see that man over there? That cocksucker? Do you see that cocksucker? That's the man that broke your granny's heart. What are you going to do about it, you little pervert? And then you're pushing the five-year-old kid to take action, to do something. And also, at this point, the janitor is also a grandfather.

That's right. He's an 84-year-old man. Tony, blinded by rage, how could you hurt my granny? What did you do to her? Tony starts hacking away at this guy's knees. He picks up a fork, right. He picks up a fork and he starts stabbing his thighs, thigh meat and his knee meat and his knee bone and his shin bone.

Yeah. And he just goes to town on everything from the waist down. All of a sudden, Tony, we realize, is the spawn of Satan. He's a little dame. Your grandson is a devil boy. He's a little dame. You say that's enough, Tony. He turns around with the fire of Lucifer in his eyes. You see the fork glisten in the sun and you realize, oh my God, I'm next. He's at your throat, scraping your eyeballs. You're saying, Tony, Tony, how dare you?

And then you, yeah, and that is then the last thing you see before you die is your sweet little grandson's hands clawing at your face. You did this to me. El diablo. No. No. Oh, you think she is? My sweet little boy. You think she's like an Italian lady or something?

Yes. Got it. All right, cool. Let's take a break. Thanks for more response. And then we'll be back with more an Italian lady. Yes. Got it. All right, cool. Let's take a break. Thanks. Some more response. And then we'll be back with more questions after this. Ciao.

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Yeah, you do. I said, hey, what's up? Hello. So you're pretty as soon as you walked in the door. I just found a spot for us to roll. Married to the money I don't even let go. And I get high with my baby. I be at the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby.

Is that what he says? Yeah. Cool. Pretty sure. Lonely and Horny, season one, completely available. People still buying it. People still enjoying it. People can officially binge watch the thing.

With the special features at the end. That's right. If you buy the whole season, you can rent the season. But if you buy the season, you can watch it for as long as the heck you want. And then there's also a 15-minute making of behind-the-scenes featureette of Jake, me, the cast, the crew having fun joking around. Basil's in it. Gabrus is in it. It's a good time.

I think we're close to some, like, milestones for Vimeo. So every little action helps. If you've been sitting on 15 bucks waiting, commiserating for the perfect perfect moment can we recommend now yeah please we recommend now we recommend now uh somebody had an awesome idea in our subreddit uh that we release a podcast episode a bonus podcast episode that's just audio commentary for the show. So it'll allow people to watch the entire series with our commentary. Oh, that's fun. When we wrote the episodes,

what we were thinking during the episodes, little stories from the shooting of those episodes. Correct. Stuff about the house, the car, the dog park, the class location. We are filled with stories. It was two weeks of our lives that we hadn't really

ever talked about so that could be a good idea maybe we'll do that in the next week or two yeah it'd be fun uh uh but thanks to everybody good on your reddit solid solid move for our subreddit um jake's been snapchatting a lot that's been fun j. JakeDaman85. And Amir Bloom. Do you regret the name yet? I regret it. Yeah, every time I have to say it. JakeDaman85. Yeah, I think, I don't know if I talked about it on the podcast before, but the reason I have such a dumb name is because I was embarrassed when I first had Snapchat. Yeah, because it was more like a personal one-on-one thing than like a way to broadcast to many fans. Yeah. I mean, when I first downloaded Snapchat, it was entirely a way to like just get nudes from people that I met on Tinder.

Nudes with a Z? Yeah. Okay. So N-0-0-D-Z. Got it. Nudes from noobs. Oh. And so I didn't want it to be my name because I was like, oh, no, this is sort of like a pervy app.

Yeah, that's not me who's receiving that nudes but now now it's like uh now it's something where we're basically creating content again yeah actively trying to get people to find you right so like we're trying to make funny videos that people see so it's i should have just had right jake herwitz so we're on podcasts and like tv shows and you have to be like that's jake da man 85 jake da man 85 baby uh oh we didn't talk about at midnight we were on at midnight that's true uh that was a fun little day of ours uh jake and i were on the comedy central show at midnight last monday uh and you can still watch it if you go online yeah you can watch it on comedycentral.com just search at midnight uh jake amir and kate mccoochie yes she was really great too yeah she's got a vimeo special out hell yeah yo check them out um you won yeah i became king

of the internet after how was that um it was it was pretty exciting i really wanted to win when i went on there i wanted to win i saw you offering chris hardwick the host like 30 bucks right before we went on stage right and he took it and that's why i won oh is that what it is yeah it's like arbitrary points but he can give you a little more right yeah yeah well actually the the strategy which i learned uh from one of the writers they're named iffy uh shout out shout out to shout out to iffy um the strategy is to just basically they let everybody buzz in during like the hashtag war segment uh-huh so i was just like constantly pressing on my buzzer yeah so he called on me after any like after kate was done my buzzer just

immediately went off and after you were done my buzzer immediately went off so i had i just like got to give a lot more answers and there's no like no matter how bad your joke is he gives you points you get points every time you speak right so you don't have to be funny you just have to say a lot yeah you just so if you're and like also they cut a ton out of the show. Yeah. They only use the funniest jokes. Right. So I was just.

Fill it up. Fill it up with trash. Saying garbage the entire time. Trash, trash, garbage. Because I remember at one point you kept buzzing and then they said. And I was just like, bah! Yeah. All right.

We have to give you points, but that's enough. Like, do you have another actual. Whatever! All right. Another points. But you are derailing the show. There was one of my jokes that they didn't use, and I forget what it was, but anyway.

What? I think the joke that I had about the DJ. Oh, yeah, well, they took one of the DJs out. Oh. It was like sort of like this. We have to introduce bad beatboxers. Yeah, and I said, this next DJ has a loving father father mother aunt and uncle and they

were all the same two people that's funny yeah it was a good time so more behind the scenes jokes that uh that we missed that were cut out uh of at midnight uh on our separate podcast uh at 12 30 a.m which we just drag people in after their at midnight appearance and we talk about all the jokes that they cut because they weren't quite good enough by the way we should have kate mccoochie on our podcast note to self uh all right anything else we didn't mention do we have any tours or anything coming up we're going to dublin and london shows haven't been announced but i can just straight up tell you the dates are like end of july and then august 2nd i think in london second or third i think second dope so so close to

my birthday oh yeah tickets aren't available a year that'll be a year from when we were shooting the pilot oh wow what a difference a year makes yeah i can't believe we're on true tv yeah oh oh no or did we hear oh shit man what's the good news? No news is good news, right, brother? You're dying. What did they end up saying? Did they change their mind? Promise me that they did. Promise me they changed their mind.

Mama? Mama, why is it so cold in here? Why do true TVs say no? Mama? Oh, Mama. Why am I dying before you, you deserve to die it's not fair mama you should be dead first mama all right that's very mean but i'm sorry to see you go as well you should come with me mama i don't know if i should come with yes please kill yourself too

mama that way quickly mother so you can so i can mourn you mother the way a little boy should mother well it's not i feel like we're forcing it goodbye sweet mother i'm still here i'm still fine love you mama you're gonna live forever baby that's why i love the most about you my mom's immortal that's awesome dude yeah dude that's really cool man yeah i used to be nervous because i'd be like i don't want to live without you but then i found out that she'll never die that's so very cool dude yeah it's actually pretty neat i love it my mom's a goddess she's gonna live forever all right that's That's awesome. Yeah. That was really cool. It's actually pretty amazing.

Pretty stellar. Because I think she's the only one that can do that. One of the things I want least in the world is for her to go anywhere. So it's awesome that she promised me that she would. And all I had to do was be a good little boy and do my chores. And I did that. And so that was my little reward. So as long as I i'm taking out the garbage feeding the dog being nice to my brother and my sisters my mom's not going anywhere that's really cool you're describing religion

and she'll live forever in the afterlife uh all right oh here's a question about mummies and daddies oh uh we need another dude's name yo baby bear my carnell yeah uh mike carnell writes hey guys i'm 21 and my parents recently separated my mom didn't see it coming so she's been pretty down she's unemployed at the moment and while she's been going on in for some interviews so far she's had no luck she's been watching a lot of seinfeld for comfort I commute to uni a few days a week, but on the other days, I live with mom. I try my best to keep her spirits up, and while she's trying to stay strong, it's clearly hard for her, so she wallows while Jerry Seinfeld's shrill voice echoes throughout the house. Meanwhile, my dad is having a ball. He's been

staying at an Airbnb. Note, he changed his profile picture To a shirtless pic on his Airbnb profile And he has presumably Been prowling around For new meat, if you know what I mean In a few months he's going to visit His friend who lives in a real hippie city On the coast

They're going up to a music festival Whose clientele will be high school and gone 19 year olds Having sex in tents Sorry, I shouldn't will be high school and gone 19-year-olds having sex in tents. He, sorry, I shouldn't have said high school, whose clientele will be high and gone 19-year-olds having sex in tents. All right. He said he got me a ticket and that I should come along.

Does this sound weird to you? I really have no interest in going to a music festival with my dad. I mean, I've got uni shit to do. It seems like he's trying to establish himself as a cool dad friend, but it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. And if this desperate search for a youth that never happened results in him dating some young chick, I don't know what I'm going to do.

So I guess what I'm asking is, should I challenge him about his actions, or am I in the wrong here? Have you got any tips on making my mom feel better and getting her back on her feet? Thanks, guys. By the way, Lonely and Horny was great. Can't wait for season two.

Woo! Gracias. Hopefully we get a season two. I'll tell you that. Yeah. First of all, I don't think the dad's trying to, like, establish himself as cool dad, like, get this good relationship with his son. I think his dad realized that he's not going to be able to get any of this

young pussy with his old friend. So he's got to bring, bring the kid. Uh, the kid will help be a babe. This dude is pure bait. That's all it is. He's a chick magnet.

Yeah. Hopefully this, his child is the key to not getting like arrested by the people at the. Yeah. I'm not a 49 yearold single man on the prowl here. I'm with my boy. I'm just trying to make sure my boy has a good time. And if I get some, what's it called? Runoff?

Secondary? Go chat up that gal over there. Let her know your old man's going through some tough times and show her my Airbnb profile pic while you're at it. I feel like any breakup sort of this happens. Like one person's fine because they've been like waiting to get out of the relationship and the other person is like a little bummed. But then like it shifts.

Some soon your mom is going to be like, she's going to be over it. She's going to be out there meeting new people and your dad's going to be like, she's going to be over it. She's going to be out there meeting new people. And your dad's going to be like, oh, no, what did I do? I threw this all away. I struck out at the music festival, and now I'm back at home thinking about this kid's mom. There's an ebb and a flow. And you just can't, like, you just got to take it easy, I think. I mean, your dad, even though he's processing it in sort of a more annoying way,

I feel like he's still going through a big transition. And you shouldn't necessarily be mean and call him out. Would you go to the concert, though? Would you go to the festival? Would you go to Coachella with your daddy? No, of course not. But I would, I mean, well, I might go with my dad because that'd be really funny for me. Because he's kind of like a pimp in some sort of regards. Well, because I feel like my dad would just... He's sort of like... My dad's a little hobbit boy, but he could toss some money around and all of a sudden,

we're staying in a cabana. He's like if you put fucking coins, quarters in a bowling ball, and just bowled it down the alley. So it's like this bowling ball man that's spewing coins everywhere. My dad is a pin. He's like if you put fucking coins, quarters in a bowling ball and just like bowled it down the alley. So it's like this bowling ball man that's spewing coins everywhere. My dad is a pin. He's a pin. He's a bowling pin. He's a pin.

He's a bit of a pin. Would you say he's a pin? I wouldn't. All right. My dad's a dish towel. But me and Micah, we go around. We collect some people. We bring them back to the house in Palm Springs.

All of a sudden, daddy's throwing dollar bills in the air we're having a party yeah he's a pinata but with cash instead of candy exactly uh i'm really i'm trying to like it's it's a little tough because you probably don't necessarily want to be like hey dad this is great behavior like you you want to challenge him a little bit like dad i realize that you're going through some shit i want you to go and have fun at this concert but you know i don't really want to be around it it doesn't make me very happy to see right i have to take care of the saddest person person first before dealing with you right i gotta be there for mom and i feel like maybe that's a little harsh for your old man to hear but also maybe he does need to hear it and then any advice for dealing with the mom once she gets through seinfeld i don't know what do you think friends yeah frazier maybe news radio is

kind of rosanne's just a rose that's pretty funny uh home improvement had a pretty solid run you gotta just like find your mom some single friends you think the mom's ready what's that you think the mom's ready oh i don't mean like single friends, like dating. I mean like single women friends. Oh, like that lesbian shit. Like other devils say or something. Not like that. That's fucking devious. I love that.

God, you are so brave. And then they come over, watch Seinfeld, maybe the masturbation episode. And they scissor each other. You're always angling to have people scissor. Scissor with a scissor each other. You're always angling to have people scissor. Scissor with a scissor. I think that you just got to get your mom off the couch and making friends. That's the key. The show friends.

Yeah. First friends, then real friends. Yeah. Then real housewives. Right. But it's going to take time. They were together for a long time. I can't imagine what it's like breaking up with someone that you've been with for longer than i've been alive

i can't comprehend what it's like for a time that's over 33 years i can only i can only understand my current lifestyle yeah my timeline but i think anytime anybody breaks up it's like you break up because it's because you have to break up so like the sadder thing at that point once like people have broken up it's sadder if they fight and stay together when they shouldn't i like that that's a really good tip so yeah she's free she's liberated yeah she's out of the relationship that wasn't making the two of them happy and honestly seinfeld's a great show so like there's a lot worse things you could be watching. Yeah, George is super funny. George is great. Kramer is

just on point, and to have Elaine there is like your fourth lead. It's murderers row. It's just, everybody's bringing it. Putty. Putty's really good, too. Alright, that's it. That's our time.

Best of luck to y'all uh if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions that email address for everything is if ever you show at gmail.com again thanks to everybody that's bought our vimeo web series lonely and horny and if you haven't bought it um i i'm i think i'm ready to scold you. Yeah. So you are a non-fan to me. You are a zero, a no-brainer. Bad boy or bad girl. You've been a nasty little fan suckling off my dick for far too long. And in fact, you can go to hell.

Go to hell with you. Dude, if you have been scolded into buying Lonely and Horny, tweet a screenshot of the receipt, hashtag scolded into buying Lonely and Horny, tweet a screenshot of the receipt. Hashtag scolded into purchasing. Hashtag my face when. A podcast host makes me feel like a nasty little boy so much that I had to buy a web series. Devious, devious imp. No, thank you everybody that's purchased it.

And if you haven't, just consider it. You can watch the first episode for free, then make a decision. The opening theme song was written by Shirley Zhu, Zhu, Zhu, Zhu. And this last one is Roger and Monica with a K. With an original tune called Bitches Love Cheese.

Fuck yeah. We'll be back very, very soon, you guys. You won't even miss us. We'll be back so soon. you guys you won't even miss us we'll be back so soon adios we were you you'd be hashtag dope ten motherfucking

pennies and you'd see the motherfucking cheese but you're not one of us. So ask us what you should do, and if you follow our fives, God might start loving you. Cheese bitches.