Segments - 218: Choking

Episode Date: May 29, 2016

In this episode we discuss auto-erotic asphyxiation and sibling lookalikes. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, HeadSpace, and TheTracker! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. do you if i had to pick one i would know whom to choose if i were you then i would shoot an email to them to tell you what you're obliged to do even though it might seem cruel they connect us all like a motherfucking hyphen dude of course i'm talking about taking a mirror if you're having a problem then they're taking the wheel you may think it's real when they give you advice they just make fun of you so grab a tissue and cry they're gonna pull you so far down into the podcast ground British street rap. Am I correct? And if not, please tell me that I am, because I don't know if I can handle being wrong right now. Not again.

This guy's actual name is Luca, and he's from Luxembourg. German. I believe Luxembourg is its own country what yeah that was such a genuine wait wait what really slow your roll where is that country located uh it's in between two other countries uh in. It's like a small little island nation. Should I look it up? Not an island, I should say. It's like it's squeezed in between. I'm so baffled.

So Luxembourg, bordered by Belgium, France, and Germany. Hmm. Yeah. Pass. What? I don't buy it. See, it's really small comparatively. See, France is all this.

Belgium is all this. Germany is all this. And then Luxembourg is this little country squeezed in the middle. And only this guy lives there. Yeah. His name is Lux. Lux and Borg. His dad's name is Borg.

But no, his name is Luca. So thanks, Luca, for sending that theme song let's see his name is luca tonar you may need to specify with the weird spelling and i'd like to have a shout out to my homeboy manu i love what you're doing and i can't wait for future projects do you think he means us or that he's talking that's all the shout out to manu yeah that's still manu what a weird way to reach manu that was a cool cool euro rap song yeah uh and imagine what if he was from like a real country that'd be so cool yeah like belgium oh my god can you even imagine if he was in german would be such a huge upgrade from luxembourg yeah it was french luxembourg i wonder if you're from

luxembourg you probably get this all the time which is like wait what is that country why is it a country yeah why isn't it just france why are you even here yeah like at this party yeah like why is it good for you to be here for this? But we apologize. And if you think about it, we're kind of, we're highlighting the Luxembourg ignorance and then illuminating, letting people know. Because I bet it's not just us that doesn't know about Luxembourg. If you think we're trash-talking Luxembourg right now, then you better give yourself a reality check.

Because all we did was just talk about your shitty country for like 10 fucking minutes. So, like, you didn't hear me say shit about kuwait or canada or whatever yeah all those countries with a k yeah yeah we're talking about your fucking congratulations is what you should you hijacked the podcast luxembourg exactly what you fucking wanted and that's that's it the opening theme song was by luca this is fucking crazy we spent the whole do we spend an hour talking about luxembourg no as of right now four minutes all right well let's move on uh i wonder if maybe that's where we should go because we're talking about where we should go after ireland and london yeah uh since we're doing

shows in ireland and london that's a, let's let the audience in on our little internal debate. Yeah. We always, we oft, I guess both times we've been to Europe for shows, we've extended our trip to travel a wee bit. Yeah, to learn a bit about non-Luxembourg countries, but let's say like uh an iceland or a berlin germany yeah so this year uh we're talking about a few places uh and i for instance i want to go to croatia or lisbon portugal yes yeah and amir wants to go Back home Immediately I want to go

I want to go to Van Nuys I want to come home to Torrance And see my mommy Or No I I wanted to go to Amsterdam Or perhaps Barcelona Yes

Those are my one and two Right Amsterdam because I I feel like it'll be a fun place To experience for a week uh and then we don't ever necessarily have to come back i hear you can do it all it's not that huge of a place and i've heard you can do it all in two days toe dot to you amsterdam he's a regular luxembourg if you ask me luxembourg you can do in 24 minutes yeah

don't be a luxembourg, all right? Go to Amsterdam. But if anybody out there has had some favorite places they've been, let us know. How would they let us know? I guess via Twitter or if I were you. I feel like not a lot of people are actually going to respond to it. I bet they will. They'll recommend the country that they live at.

Oh, yeah, that's true. But you can't say your own country. Well, unless you live in Croatia and you're like, oh, I have a dope-ass yacht that you can come party on. Tweet at us, Jake and Amir, Jake Hurwitz. We're all ears. But we really have to decide soon. This is getting ridiculous.

Right. What the fuck is this? This is actually our first podcast. Well, this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. Ha! Nice, dude. Thanks, dude.

This is our first podcast in our new studio. That was the inaugural ha. Yeah, the first ha in our new studio. Damn, that's cool. We have a new HGHQ. We've taken photos, put it on our Snapchat. You put it on your Instagram. Damn true.

Whether you've seen it or not, we have an office and a studio right now in downtown LA. How many places would you say we've recorded this show in? Oh, man. Just houses. To get here. We got Williamsburg in Brooklyn, my house, my apartment. We got your apartment in Williamsburg. The one in the basement?

Yeah, that's two. Rec room? Rec room in Brooklyn. Shutter rec room. We did at least one podcast in a hotel room in New York. Yeah, that's four. And we did another one at the College Humor office in New York. That's five.

We also did one at the basement at the shrubberbs the bushwick place you were doing oh yeah wait so did we i don't know if we ever did one in my williamsburg loft did we oh yeah we did that echoey one that i did um okay six uh then we we went to la we did one at my parents house i'm sure more than one at my parents house when we were living there yep that's seven we also did one didn't we do one on the road in the RV? Or in a hotel on the way across country? Oh yeah, in Nashville or something or in Austin. We've done several in hotels.

That's eight. I don't even want to count live shows. Right, of course. Then we did our house in Silver Lake. That's nine. Our house in Santa Monica, that's 10. That was the John Wolf episode. I remember doing one over there.

We also did the other one in Silver Lake. I wonder if this is exciting for anybody. Because we lived in Silver Lake in four different houses. Oh, and the carpeted house. Remember when Rose came on and she complained about how carpeted that house was?

The carpet in the bathroom? Yeah, there was carpet in the bathroom and on the toilet. And the toilet seat cover was also carpet. And inside the toilet it was a carpet? Yeah, and every time i took a shit and every time i closed my eyes my eyelids were carpet uh every time i close my eyes and then that's 12 i mean where else did we even where else did we and then our latest place in los filas uh that we're moving out of this 13 and this is like 14 and i'm sure we've forgotten at least 10 i guess just like in terms Feliz that we're moving out of is 13, and this is like 14.

And I'm sure we've forgotten at least 10. I guess just like in terms of places that the podcast has been based, it's pretty fun to see it go from the towel fort in your one bedroom to this cool downtown office. Well, it's been three years for Christ's sake. It's about time. We started it when I was just turning, I think, wasn't i 20 no i was i just turned 30 you were 27 god and how much we've changed my opinion on everything is completely topsy-turvy yeah it's true i was engaged i was

married for a bit uh you are still married now you have children i have children and then I became a thin divorcee. I became a thin little man. Describing yourself as thin is so funny. I became thinly. Remember when I thinned myself? Yes, yes, I was quite thin. I went through a year or two where I became thin. I thinned me. I curse you thinner.

I curse you thinner. I curse you thinner. Not a curse if you ask me. Winner, winner, chicken thinner. Very nice. So why don't we fucking break this shit open? Let's crack a bottle of champagne on this studio. It's not completely built. No, we don't have the soundproof foaming up yet.

So it'll sound even better if you can imagine that soon enough. But why don't we crack open this first episode in our new studio. Why don't we give these names? How about streets that we used to live on in LA? Now that we don't live on them anymore, we can out ourselves. we need a guy's name uh michael terena michael terena uh michael terena writes allow me to jump right in i went home recently and hooked up with this girl i'd been flirting with for a while we didn't waste much time chatting and quickly went back to her place to climb into bed the sex was great except one exception sorry with one exception she was into choking several times several times while we were

while we were going at it she would extend her arms and wrap her hands tightly around my throat cutting off circulation to my head i was i was kind of shocked and then would click quickly switch position into one where she would be forced to lose her grip without me saying anything uh i'm going home again soon and this girl really wants to hook up again and i would totally be down except for the whole you know not being able to breathe while fucking her thing what What should I do? Love, Michael Terena. Ooh, that's a fun question. Yeah. The choking thing, I've never experienced the other way around.

Usually it's like, ooh, will you do that to me? I've never heard like, ooh, I'm into choking, so I'm going to strangle you. Yeah. I think that's kind of the weird thing about choking. Yeah, she doesn't like to be choked. She just likes the strength. Why can't she just give you an Indian burn?

But even when you do like choking somebody, it's weird because I feel like if I was... I'm a little into choking sometimes, but if I was really into choking, I don't think I could just leap in because it's kind of a dangerous seeming thing. Especially for the first time you're hooking up with someone. It's how you kill people.

Yeah. It's how you made people dead in the 1300s. And when I've done it in the past, I also hate talking about sex while it's happening. Oh, really? I really hate having conversations about what's going to happen. What about any little dirty things? Like, oh, yeah, just like happening. Oh, really? I really hate having conversations about like what's going to happen. What about any like little dirty things? Like, oh yeah, just like that. Oh baby, that's good. I love when people say that stuff to me. But you're never going to say anything. I mean, I sometimes say the words that you were saying sound like stuff that I would say maybe without that cadence. Right. Oh yeah, baby. Yeah. I say it like I'm,

I'm learning English from a flashcard. But yeah, I'm kind of quiet. And I really hate discussing logistics. So to say, if we're hooking up, like, hey, I like to choke a little bit. I'll be gentle, and I'll go with whatever. I don't like to do that. So what I would do is sort of creep my hand like near someone's collarbone and i feel like that's sort of like now they understand what i'm thinking about yeah and if they like it then they like put my hand on their throat oh and if they don't then nothing happens of course and

that's fine yes uh i guess with this girl she probably feels like it maybe it's a little less threatening to sort of just start choking a guy. Yeah. Is she doing that because she wants to be choked or she just. That's one theory. I think that is one theory. Because I know in the past, sometimes like a girl will bite or pinch or like choke because they like to be like restrained and fought off. I thought they pinched you because that's your nickname.

The pinch. Yeah. But I guess it really goes back to that. Like everybody is different. I'm different. Yeah. Indifferent. It's I'm,

I'm a little bit, you're scared right now. Confused. Well, I'm a little bit... You're scared right now. Well, I'm just like, I don't know how to say to somebody, I don't want you to choke me. I like the idea of him switching positions, and then she constantly just finds a new way to choke. I guess doggy style is just what you have to do. She turns her entire torso.

She's flailing. Reaching over her head. I think what you can do and keep it kind of sexy is if she's choking you, you can grab her arms and her wrists and sort of pull them off you a little bit just to clear your breathing pattern. Yeah. Or what if you say something non-sexy like, hold on one second, give me a second to catch my breath like she'll be like start to feel bad

like oh wait hold on i just need to sorry i just need to breathe for a fucking second all right i'm catching my breath now because you were choking me all right get back to what you wanted to do you think she'd go straight all right perfect i think yeah i guess it's sort of probably what i would do in this situation is like suffer through it a little bit but like at some point or another like full-on like remove her hands from my neck yeah uh and maybe like hope that that results in the post-coital conversation of like, was I choking you too much? And then I would feel a little more comfortable to say like, yeah, you know, it was a little too intense.

I don't like getting choked that much. Yeah, because when I can't breathe, it's like I feel faint of me and I can't do it very well. Well, that's just his opinion. Because some people really some people thrive under the choking you know but i've never heard of like i get off to choking others usually it's like i like to feel that sensation isn't that the whole auto erotic asphyxiation what is the deal with choking like why is it good to not breathe for a little i'm

not even i'm not entirely sure but you've only you've also only ever been like the dominant sexual partner with people who say choke me right you never like do you think that it's guys that choke and girls that get choked oh that's a good question like when it's girl on girl or guy on guys usually the bigger guy or the bigger girl that chokes i don't know because i don't think that i've i don't really think i've ever been in the position where somebody had their hands like around my neck. I've definitely been like scratched, bitten, slapped. It's called Homer Simpson-ing you. They say, why you little?

Why you little? Yeah. I bet that wouldn't fly today where they're like, and then the father will choke his son. Oh, that's pretty severe. They're like way worse shit on shows though where people like rick and morty oh but i'm talking about like network tv the dad was choking his son family guy though family guy's pretty bad do you think he would choke stewie uh stewie used to try to murder his mother yeah that's true but that's more freudian than anything else

a reverse freud where a guy a baby is trying to kill his mother and marry his father fair uh so what should he do i say he hooks up with her again she might choke you less this time but if it remains to be a problem i think you can you can still have sex with her and avoid being choked and then if she if she chokes twice shame on you shame on you and you can and we'll figure something out i like the moving the position that he does i like the uh moving her hands for a second to like stop the stop the mood and hopefully she gets the hint that way one other thing he could do is just die in bed what if he's just dead like if she chokes him and he dies. Oh, what if he pretends to pass out? Yeah, you like that?

And he's like, you killed me. Yeah, like choking on your own puke. Also, you should try cumming while you're being choked. Maybe it'll feel amazing. What is that thing? Why is choking and cumming? What is the correlation between those two even? If those people that like autoerotic asphyxiation, do they also, like, take big bites and don't chew very well

because they like getting off to, like, the danger of choking? That makes them, yeah, if they eat a really big bite of a cheeseburger, it makes them cum just a little bit. Whoa, for a second. Yeah, we should probably have, like, an autoerotic asphyxiation person. Asphyxiator? Do you have any, like, choking like choking memories like as a kid did you ever choke and almost die um no i never choked but i watched like my little brother choke and i just remember my dad like leaping up and yeah it seems like it

happens like once a year where like a kid like chokes and like the adults, like I can just hear the noise of like silverware hitting the table and chairs scratching against the floor. Smack your kid on the back until he, it's so weird. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. If I went, if like, if I was in a cafeteria and there was like a kid that started choking and I leapt up and smacked his back until he spit it out i would tell everyone like hi i'm a hero i saved a life earlier and my dad and mom probably saved us like a jillion times yeah i hear you're

not you're somebody to awe now now i don't remember the advice uh is to push it down when like kids are choking instead of trying to push it pull it back out really like if someone's choking on something soft remember lonely and horny shout out to lonely and horny still available on vimeo complete season one there you go there's a there's a scene where i choke on a donut hole yes uh and i had the theory that's like sometimes it's better to shove it down like through the passageway because the passageway is narrow so like that's the thinnest part but if it goes down or up you're like creating an oxygen flow but what if it's a i mean if it's a child you don't necessarily know what they're choking on right that's why what if you like emergency emergency screw goes down you push and then

you do the tracheotomy oh you'll do a little hole at the adam's apple and then uh a pen you suck out the fluid the the the, and the blood, and then you start breathing for them through their neck, through their trachea. And that'll make them nut? And that'll get them off. The little five-year-old buster. He's also known as a buster.

So good luck, dude. This is what I call a good problem to have. A hot bae wants to choke you in the sack. Oh, did he say she was hot? A girl I've been flirting with for a while. So, at the very least, he's hot to her. Fine.

Are you mad? I'll allow it. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder. No. Some people are ones and some people are nines. I'm aholder no some people are ones and some people are nines i'm a ten some people are ones and some people are nines nothing in between so you can only be a not one a nine or a ten i'm kidding man everyone's a ten except for the ugly people then they're fucking ones yeah or you're a five or they're yeah there are a couple numbers in

between but i don't rank people based on number just based on their looks is there a number do you know what i mean so yeah you quantify people's level no you can't do that like it's so fucked up but i'm saying if you're hot then you're a you're a seven through a ten so that you are doing that no no way no way do you rank human beings based on what if you think they're hot or not if you think they're an eight or a nine or a ten and if they are that means they have a slamming body and a good face i guess i don't know are you speaking against it are you of course. Or I'm into it. We got another question from another guy. Okay.

Then his name is Lafayette. Lafayette writes, I've been on Tinder for a while and I matched with this girl who showed very big interest in me from the get-go. After talking to her for a day, I got her Snapchat and as soon as she sent me a picture, I had a horrible realization. From the get-go. Should I be upfront in saying that she looks like my sister and is automatically disgusting to think of in a romantic way? Should I make up an excuse saying that we're just not compatible?

Should I friend zone her and keep her around? Or should I just ghost her and disappear? You guys are dope and I love your podcast. Thanks, Love Lafayette. Should I friend zone her? Should I put her in the friend zone? I'm going to stow her away in the friend zone goodbye forever my love she's going deep deep deep into the friend zone walking her in a

basement um interesting i've had this problem before really yeah which is weird because you look like your sister yeah that makes sense i actually. Actually, I bet people have had, well, I don't know. I would think people have maybe liked my sister and then been like, uh-oh, she looks like her brother. Oh, yeah. Like, I couldn't hook up with your sister because it would be like making out with Jake. Right. I guess that's why you couldn't. But like, if you met my sister first and then you met me it's like oh

well i couldn't hook up with jake well i can't hook up with any girl that has a brother because that makes me a little bit gay because like there's a fucking dude out there that like shares your fucking genetic all of a sudden i'm getting plowed by i think a dude or a girl that basically is a dude yeah because they have the same fucking rents so like i don't know if i'm going down even then if you think about that dick dude i think i love where you're headed but like i'll take it one step further like what if you have sex with a girl and she has a mom which is obviously chill that's tight that's fine because that's like but then she has a father okay so you know that she actually your girl that you're fucking came from a dick do you know what

i'm saying so what so you're one step removed from like i mean i i challenge you to find a sexual experience you've ever had that isn't a wee bit gay to you okay let me think just scrolling back in my life uh last night i made out with a dude that's a little bit yay well he has but did he have like a mom and a sister he had yeah he had two sisters that takes it back a couple notches okay but then there was a time a point in time actually that i did kiss a woman on the lips okay but come to think of it there's a chance that her father once kissed those very same lips oh that is oh dude, oh, dude, you just French kissed two guys then, basically. Well, later that night I did French kiss two guys.

I forgot the question. What do you do when a girl that you like looks like your sister? In the past, I've, I think, hooked up with them once and then stopped. Just like you would with your actual sister. It's not incest if it only happens once, people. Yeah, it's kind of weird that I would do it at all. But I guess I wanted to like... But then again, one is your zero.

When someone is unattractive, you'll only hook up with them once. When someone is disgusting to you, you'll only fuck them once. That's true. Yeah, like, oh, she was so gross, I think I only want to fuck her once that's true yeah like oh she was so gross i think i only want to fuck her once that's very accurate yeah very buying worst case scenario i fuck her once all right okay you're a fucking animal dude i love that's funny yes horowitz is back dude he'll fuck anything once you heard of the guy who'll try anything once yeah well this guy will fuck anything once i'm very lonely i don't care if it's a fucking woman a dude a lobster i saw this guy fucking a fucking a hero a lamb hero and he was my hero

actually came to Ziki sauce. The reason I do a lot of it is it comes from a place of deep, dark insecurity and fear. What's that, dude? I guess I'm morbidly afraid of being alone, but even more so I'm terrified of... You're the fucking man, dude. What are you talking about? Maybe I'm really afraid of being together you know because what kind of man am i and who would accept fucking you're the man dude you really

are the man dude i was the man i'm i'm the pieces of a man i'm a million tiny little pieces i'm a humpty dumpty i'm not a king I'm a court jester. You're my fucking dude. Yeah, off with my head. I'm telling you, man. No, man. You're kind of making me sad now that you're looking sad. The guy you look up to? Yeah. The golden idol?

Yeah, dude. You really are. Look a little under that coat. He's a paper mache nothing. The emperor has new clothes, brother man. And I love him, dude. The emperor's clothes are irrelevant because he's not really an emperor. All right, dude.

Come on, man. He's a beggar. He's a pauper. He doesn't rule anything except for his own mind, which is in shambles. I love it, dude. You're a fucking poet, dude. I fucking love poetry, dude. Hey, dude. Yo, Serge, man. Serge, dude, let's're a fucking poet, dude. I fucking love poetry, dude. Oh, yo.

Hey, dude. Yo, Serge, man. Serge, dude, let's do a fucking acrostic. I'll start with your name, dude. Jake. Just. Accent. Or whatever.

Kicks ass. Elephants, dude. Awesome, Serge. Yeah, dude. I'll do some, like, watercolor around this thing. We can get a frame. What happened to us? Where are we?

Where did we end up? Don't hook up. Don't date with people that you look like your sister. They're not going to stop looking like your sister. Unfortunately. That's my advice. All right, let's take a break. We'll be right back with more questions after this.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards,

and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan, and now I'm just a fan of the league in general, but I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course.

You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot. Do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense? Or do you know what a play action pass is? These are some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run

and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and

get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon

connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontario void or prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Bonjour.

Je m'appelle Tobago. So we decided to go to Paris for a year. That's where we are now. If you're hearing this, we are on the Parisian can canals are there canals in paris that's venice uh here's an interesting fact if you're listening to this the day comes out monday may 20 or monday may 30th yeah monday may 30th um we're in fucking new zealand What? We are in Queens town or Queensland? One of those. Queenstown, Queensland.

Let me look it up. Queensborough. I'm sick of relying on my ignorance. We're in New Zealand right now. Yeah. We are recording this on a Tuesday. Nice, dude. And we leave tomorrow night,

Wednesday, to go to New Zealand. How's that? We'll be, I guess everybody by the time they're listening to this will probably know via Snapchat or Instagram what's going on. Yeah, we're going to be tweeting up for a storm. We're going to be Facebooking, snapping. All over is the place. It is Queenstown, New Zealand. We're going to be in

Auckland. We're going to be in Wellington. We're going to be in Christchurch. We're going to be in Queenstown. We're going to be in Auckland. We're going to be in Wellington. We're going to be in Christchurch. We're going to be in Queenstown. We're going to soak in as much New Zealand as we possibly can in six days. During your lovely, lovely, frigid winter. We only visit the Southern Hemisphere at the wrong time. Yeah, I don't know how we always end up there, but thanks to Air New Zealand for hooking us up with a flight

and making our adventure come true. They asked us if we'd want to have a nice six-day adventure, and we said, fuck yeah. Yeah, dude. So thanks to them for hooking us up. And if you want to follow along, I think Snapchat's going to be the main one. Yeah, we'll be snapping it. Amir Bloom, A-M-I-R-B-L-O-O-M on Snapchat. And I am Jake Da Man.

You guys can remember that because I am Da Man. And the, da is spelled D-A, and I am Jake Da Man, 85. Because that's the year that I was born, 1985. I'm going to get this pitch down under 10 seconds soon. Jake Da Man, 85. Under 10 seconds so that you can explain what your screen name is on snapchat in a video before it expires yeah that'd be good uh so that's gonna be fun hopefully we get to meet some people over there we we there are some listeners from our show or from our podcast and

viewers from our show fans on facebook that live in new zealand it'd be fun to somehow find a way to to meet up with one of them yeah that would be nice i'd like to meet a mayori tribesman or woman oh i want to be taught one of those cool ass uh the dance yeah the dance and the the dance that they do what's it called like the raka the saka the the haka haka yeah that sounds right yeah i can't wait to learn the name of the dance hey everybody i'd really like to hear your rock a soccer you think you'll bungee jump um my inclination is no right just because it's scary yeah i think being 30 i just don't give a fuck about adrenaline rushes i mean i get kind of a good adrenaline rush when i go to home depot and i look at the plants yeah at this point and so bungee jumping i that makes me feel a little

tired the pros and cons are kind of interesting when it comes to bungee jumping because the pros are or the cons is death you either die or maybe get disembodied your leg falls off you wrap that you wrap something around the cord and then it it takes your arm off and then the pros is feeling like kind of cool for a little bit you're just like whoo yeah so i would say the cons that way the pro like it'll change your life or whatever doesn't really apply to me because i feel like i already live most of my life 30 years of it we're good i'm on the tail end of it here oh so like so you're saying like there's not a lot of cons like if you die because you're already like 30 30 oh no i'm saying

like i don't want to change my out like i don't need my life to change or anything oh yeah i'm just setting my ways i'm this is my old age right 30 is my twilight years you're laying down icing your finger that you injured i'm falling apart right here on a hill that you can't walk on i'm falling apart i'm elevating my heel because my heel hurts and i'm icing my finger because i tore my fucking finger pulley yeah my back kind of hurts i think i slept on it weird this podcast is gonna be us talking about our ailments one day and that day is now one whole day can you imagine the time where we just talk about our ailments right how's your back feeling what's what's going on i fear it's a pinched nerve i don't know what's uh oh i'm the pinch. And I'll get on everybody's nerves.

Pinch, pinch, pinch. Pinch, pinch, pinch. Pinch your booty. Pinch your booty. I think our London tickets are on sale, too. Are you okay? And I have a cold. Any tickets

that we can announce will be done so on ifireashow.com. That London show is just one show, I believe. Just one show. One night. But it's going to be a big theater. We want to pack the shit out of it. So get your tickets now. I think the date on that will be August 2nd or 3rd.

One of those days. Basically my birthday. So y'all better come. Oh, that'll be a fun little birthday present for you. Yeah. So we'll see you guys there and then dublin i think they they haven't even announced the comedy it's a comedy festival i don't know if it's been announced or what tickets are available you guys will be in dublin just don't make any plans for july 26 27 28 29 and 30 is that fine i don't know which calendar maybe it's 28 29 and 30th it Is that fine? I don't know which one. To leave your calendar open? Maybe it's 28th, 29th, and 30th.

Is it only three days? Yeah, yeah. 28th, 29th, and 30th. Alright, that's when we're going to be there. Again, information all up on our website. Anything else we should talk or should we get right into another question? I just want to say I love the fans. What's that? I just want to say I love the fans. I know, and I do too. I was going to say I love

the fans as well. I was going to say that I love the fans and to them I say toda. Tod going to say I love the fans as well. I was going to say that I love the fans. And to them, I say toda. Toda to the fans, to the day ones. Totally. And I think the fans, I also was going to say, when you were like, when I said, is there anything else you want to say? I want to be like, I love the fans more than Jake. And I think that they're super awesome.

I think they're like super awesome. Awesome, dude. And I want to also be like yo i love the fans my day ones i think everybody who's been out there season their cheese yeah um in the most hashtag dope ways they are my they are my gullies awesome so i'm serious about that no but i was anybody who understood all those references that's what makes you and day one yeah and whether you understood the references or not whether you're listening to the podcast or you're not, whether you're overhearing this on a train

because someone's wearing headphones and it's really loud and you can sort of hear it. I love all you guys, whether you're fans, whether you're not fans, whether you're just some random guy. So I feel like you're making it a little less special because now you're saying you love everyone, even if they are just sitting near someone

that's playing the podcast. I'm saying I'm thanking. So if it's three people on the train and there's one person that's listening to our podcast, one person that's asleep and another person who's just sort of housing a sandwich, but they're like hearing this a little bit. You say,

I love you to all three of them. Whether you're a sandwich eater, whether you're talking to me or not talking to me, whether you're listening to this or not, I love, love, love you through the fans. And I do. I really do. And I was going, love, love you to the fans. And I do.

And I really do. And I was going to say that. I love the fans. You did say that. I'll be the last and the first to say that. I love the fans. All right. Well, that's enough.

We've taken enough of our dear fans' time with this. No, right. That's what I was saying. We should move on. I know. Let's move on. I was going to say, let's give the fans. No, no.

I love the fans. I was going to say I love the fans so much that I think we should move on. And I agree. So let's move on. This next question, I love the fans the most, comes from... Let's call this guy the fans. I was going to say I love the fans so much that I think we should move on. And I agree. So let's move on. This next question, I love the fans the most, comes from... Let's call this guy the fans because I love him the most. And I want to name him after the person that I love the most.

And that's the fans. So remember that. Touche, dude. You can't. That was the last one. That one upped it the most. You can't think of an organic way to insert my love of the fans the fans rights hey guys so i live in austin and we've recently gone through a crazy period in

which uber lyft uh tried to essentially buy the rights to not have to do full background checks that are required under austin law they spent about $5 million on an advertising campaign, which ultimately would have been less than just doing the damn background checks, and they pulled out of the city when their bill did not pass. Now, we are without ride sharing. Unfortunately, Austin has shitty public transportation, but I have made it work in the past. I have been super frugal, and I have a free bus pass because I'm a University of Texas student, so I have a free bus pass because I'm a University of Texas student. So I've taken the bus for seven for years to save the $7 it would take to ride downtown in an Uber. My friends have not caught on to how to do this properly and have been asking

me for rides downtown. They started off saying, hey, we'll pay you as much as you're a lift as much as if you're a Lyft driver to take us downtown. And I was glad to make a quick $20 to drive 20 minutes. Recently, I fell into financial trouble. Don't get addicted to dip, boys and girls. And I have been jumping on more opportunities to take them. Last night, they asked me for a ride, and I said, usual rate. And they got pissed. Granted, they were all fairly drunk at this point,

but they insisted that I was not being a bro and begging for chump change. One of my friends gave in and Venmo'd me $20. After this, my bank account now has $20 and one cent in it. That's right, I literally had one cent left in my bank account. When I dropped them off, he turned around and casually said, just Venmo me it when you get back on your feet. What the fuck? Am I required to do this? He basically paid me to drive him, then immediately asked for my money back once I fulfilled the service he paid me for. Should I Venmo him right back this second? I wouldn't have taken them if I knew they weren't going to pay me, and I have honestly been giving them free rides for years. I never started the usual rate trend, and I was only assuming that my continued involvement with driving them would merit continued payments what should i do love the fans oof that is imagine a dystopian future where uber and lyft don't exist in your city isn't that weird what a sad place that would be

we're already we are already there if uber just went away i don't even know what the fuck i would do yeah i'd be like stranded it's almost like can you imagine if you didn't have your cell phone or the internet right like people just it's been around for so long that people sort of like have grown not grown up with it completely but like come into adulthood with it for sure yeah we basically don't know los angeles without uber um i think this guy's friends are kind of pieces of shit like they can't just request rides downtown for free willy-nilly yeah uh so it's like it's like a half favor so they sort of needed him and then he said he would only do it if they paid him and they were like go fuck yourself but then also they needed the ride but then so then they did say fine we'll pay you and then they said we have to have the you have to give us the money back this is sort of capitalism in a nutshell it's this this guy's seeing a hole in the marketplace there's

no more uber no more lyft he's okay, suddenly there needs to be a new competitor, someone that rides below the law for a little bit. I'll ship your ass around town for 20 bucks. And it's a take it or leave it situation. You either got it or you don't. The friend's paid for it. I don't think you owe him your money back. Of course not.

I mean, I guess my bigger advice is to, these guys sound like jackasses. And I would just stop doing it altogether, for money and for free, because I see it going badly. I see it growing into some sort of a side hustle. Well, you don't go into business with your friends. So if he starts saying this is the usual rate,

then they're going to start saying, okay, well, can I get a discount? Or can you not charge me this time? Can it be a favor? And then you start to feel like an asshole when you're saying no to your friends. So just don't do it. It's not worth it.

When I say keep doing it, they'll suddenly spread the word. They'll be at a bar like, yeah, I couldn't fucking Uber here, but my buddy drove us for 20 bucks. And then another group of friends will be like, well, 20 bucks, that's pretty good. Maybe we'll pay him to drive us back. You drive him back, you give him your card, that spreads the word. Suddenly you're driving people willy nilly hither and thither at a dollar a minute. You're making 60 bucks an hour. You work

four hours a night, five nights a week. You're making it. You're in the rich. You're in the red. You're in the black. You're in the green. And that's the color that matters the most. You said you were in the red? You went from one penny to a million.

And you know what? There's no looking back. And you tell your friend, you wanted the $20? You want the $20 back? Here's $2,000. Here's $20,000. I don't need this shit anymore. Because you don't need that cash anymore.

You know why? Because you moved to Luxembourg. Everything is super cheap there. We're talking whitefish sandwiches for five cents a pop. You're living like a king for $200 a year. And the year? The year is actually 1934. So super stagflation. There's wheelbarr super stagflation there's wheelbarrows people

are walking around with wheelbarrows full of cash it's not even worth the paper it's printed on you're not laughing all the way to the bank the bank is laughing at you for getting there where'd you get a wheelbarrow you know where you got it fucking austin texas and you can blame it on the fucking u slash Lyft, the panhandlers, the fat cats on 6th Street in Congress who couldn't get their shit together, who spent, what did he say, $5 million on a campaign that would have been easily spent on background checks. I don't know.

I feel like you just, you know, you don't owe your friend 20 bucks. What? What? What? What? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

So your advice was to move to Luxembourg in 1934? No, yeah. I was just saying, like, that was just another option. You said you didn't have to owe him any money back. A couple of years. I mean mean it must yeah um yeah you don't have to agree on every little bit of advice yeah i was just gonna say maybe don't offer your services to drive people downtown like take it off yeah you're off limits now that's totally one of them too you know i'm saying that's that's you wanted him to become a taxi driver and move across the country this shows if i were you

right it's like what would you do if you're you're you and that's what i would do yeah you would do something else and then it's up to this guy to decide which i'm not here to say which ideas are less feasible than the other well one is just like you don't drive your friends around for any amount of money and the other one is uh relocate to a foreign country and he no yeah sandwiches you wanted him to eat white fish sandwiches that were five cents i don't know what i said specifically right well that was one thing all right you said two hundred dollars it's up to you to decide dude you could live like a king and uh and also imagine that the money wasn't worth anything okay yeah you take it or leave it baby leave it love the fans so it's up to him totally uh we're gonna figure out this nitrous oxide leak in the office uh but we got to get out of here uh

this has been a silly episode but uh if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions that address for everything is if ieshow at gmail.com the opening one was written by our famous favorite Luxemburger Luca Tonar and this closer is written by Jack Reynolds we'll be back next week if we survive

our New Zealand trip if we go bungee jumping I don't know who's to say yeah we'll be back soon if I were you i would stop being a dude if i were you i would youtube that chair if i were you I would Seize the cheese

If I were you Show At gmail.com That was a HeadGum Podcast.