Segments - 219: Olive Oil (w/Billy and Adam!)

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

Friends and Fellow HeadGum Podcasters, Billy Scafuri and Adam Lustick join us to talk about grinding, gaming, and garage doors. This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub and MeUndies. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dude, finally, true screamo wow on the podcast yeah wow let it hang dude the last time i was on your podcast a guy named bogged now something dan bogged now i don't know whale and now i'm back. More whaling from. Good God. Who was that? This is now a whaling podcast. Oh. Yeah. So we're just discussing like different types of whaling methods.

How hard we whale. Yeah. Whale sounds. Optimal whaling. Yeah. Tell them who's in the studio, bro. Billy and Adam. Hey.

We be in the building. We whaling. We whaling, y'all. And we whaling as well. And we're out of time. We're the whaling experts. We're the whalers from Bob Marley and the Whalers.

And I hope you like whaling too. exactly. Is that Bob Marley? I don't, I don't know. Yes. We whaling. Yeah.

Thank you for having us on your awesome podcast. Dude, thank you for coming. Billy's second episode, Adam's first. Billy and Adam's first. And our second

in the new studio. That's right. A lot of firsts and seconds. Adam's first And our second in the new studio That's right, a lot of firsts and seconds It's also your second podcast in the new studio That's right You guys recorded just before this Yeah, just one second before this So one second, first, third And this is our third podcast in the new studio

And there are four of us, and we give each other high fives I'll second that I'll plead the sixth Which is a different thing It's not about silence I'll second that. I'll plead the sixth, which is a different thing. Exactly. It's not about silence. Exactly. That guy was named Adam.

Sorry. No, not Adam. Joe. You're named Adam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is Adam. His band is called Kuro Kuma, which means black bear in Japanese. Black bear.

And if you could give our FB page a shout out, that'd be very much so appreciated. Facebook.com slash Kuro Kuma UK. That song was legitimately a brain melter. I think that's what they call it. Melt brains.

Yeah. Whoa, my eyebrows are gone. He calls it a death metal. Death metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you guys into metal? Are you guys metal? I'm a bit of a metal head.

Are you? Yeah. You have a machine head. Yeah. Yeah. I'm also, I'm a bit of a metal head. Are you? Yeah. You have a machine head. Yeah. Yeah. I'm also, I'm into ICP. I'm a juggalo. Oh, no way.

So you're a part of the posse? Yeah. I'll often go to the juggalo events. Yeah. Cool. Have you been to the gathering? Yeah. Well, I didn't go this year because I went on a little trip to Paris with my mom.

That's usually the opposite. That's usually the juggalos too often. They either drink Faygo in the jungle with a bunch of crazy clowns. Or go to the City of Light with your mom. Quick jaunt to the City of Light, yeah. To Gay Paris. Yeah. You know why they call it that, right?

Why? Because everything is gay there. Everything's gay. Everything's gay there. Isn't there some correlation, and I'm not just trying to butter you up, but I actually think this is true between like geniuses or people who have like incredibly high IQs

or people whose just brains work really well astrophysicists and like really smart people and heavy metal and juggalos oh well I'm also not into heavy metal oh okay so there probably is

I'm probably right because I'm a total moron yeah yeah me too and I'm also not into heavy metal isn't there a correlation between being a sociopathic liar and being highly intelligent, though? I would believe that. I would relate to that. And also being super into Drake.

Because then I'm there. Yeah. Everything about me is what highly intellectual people do. Take all the boxes. Billy and Adam, we're having you on a show because you just started a podcast of your own on our network. That's right. Jake's been on it. I've been on it.

We haven't been on it together. But if we wanted to at least expose you guys to our audience. We appreciate it. Because I feel like there's a lot of overlap here. Billy and Adam are a little bit like Jake and I. Yeah. Everybody liked Billy on the podcast last time. Yeah. And if they don't like this, I wonder what the variable will be. here yeah billy and adam are a little bit like jake and i yeah yeah everybody liked billy on the podcast last time yeah and if they don't like this i wonder what the variable will be

probably the new studio and they can probably hear the sound quality or something yeah because i'm i'm so charming and wonderful i can't imagine how anybody could ever find does anybody hate you you are so likable guys have you ever had an enemy only me no adam it's me adam did have adam was bullied back in the day and as a kid and then on east 63rd street in manhattan where i lived we were on the elevator going up to my apartment and who was on that elevator with us his childhood bully who happened to live in billy's adult billy's building okay in new york city And he was still a child, right? Still a child. Amazing.

And correct me if I'm wrong, Adam, but like a year later did he die? Yeah, that was a sad coda to that story, so I guess I won that one. How did he die? Really? Yeah, that's a sad but true story. My elementary school bully. He only, I mean, he was a little aggressive with me.

He pushed me into a soccer goal once. Yeah, but that's, childhood bullies I don't count as like actually disliking you. They dislike themselves. Exactly. Well, clearly. Yeah. Has an adult, like I've had people that don't like me. They're like, oh Amir's not nice. He's not friendly. I don't like him as a human. Does anybody think that about you?

I would. I go out of my, to my detriment, I think I go out of my, so far out of my way and spend a lot of time worrying and concerned that people might feel that way. So I take a lot of preemptive actions to make sure nobody feels that way. Please like me. And tell me this. Does that make people who are really close to you, like your closest friends, they have a problem with that?

Absolutely. Definitely, as they should. And I have a problem with it. And who's closer to me than me? I try to be nice to everybody. But then I find that people that are closest the ones that i really love they're like what are you doing be real with me for a second yeah right because you're because you're nicer to strangers than you are your friends or because you're they see they think you're fake to themselves um friends think that they're fake to you you're fake to them in my

experience it's been people i love saying you're overextending yourself to no benefit. Like you need to stop doing that. I hear a lot of that. You mentioned our podcast. It's called No Joke. And two weeks ago, we had Milana Vayntrub, a friend of yours and who's also on Lonely and Horny. And we had talked about like kind of overextending yourself or trying to be like overfriendly or just make sure that you are received well. And I told her that I'm growing out of that phase now.

And one way that this is manifesting is that I'm trying not to use exclamation points in my emails anymore because i feel like that is such a cheap way to tell someone how excited you are to be communicating with them when if you're just saying sounds good that's a period yeah that's not a sounds good that sounded really good triple exclamation point is for like it's a boy or it's a girl and that's it so you're going straight period yeah and I'll tell you

that a lot of people I can sense a weirdness when they write back because if they think that they're in trouble or like there's some there's some sort of

rift between us I bet just get used this is how we talk guys we talk normally I wouldn't go so far as to say that a nice almost maybe a bridge

or a happy medium would be no punctuation at the end. It's very sort of millennial just to like say the thing and let it be a phrase without sort of exclaiming it. That may lead to more confusion. A little more confusion. Do you guys sign your emails? Adam, Billy, Amir, Jake. Do you write the name at the end?

I write Jake. You write Jake. I write Amir most of the time. That's so weird. That's why we had you on the podcast. It's super confusing. Because you're also writing from our emails. Taking your checkbooks.

I write a mirror at the end of my emails. And I'm starting to think, I think it's because I'm 33, where I'm like those parents that write their names at the end of texts. Where I'm like, I'm out of date. Kids are like, why are you writing your name? I know it's from you. It really depends. It depends on the email, though. I think it's still a professional thing to do.

If I start an email with a hey somebody comma. Got to finish it with yours. Then I just being symmetrical, having it look nice is signing it. I think it comes from writing letters. Emails used to represent letters. Now emails are instead of text. But I think if you're on the 33rd message of a thread, you're not still writing, hey, then it's just a body of text. Right.

You know who we're – First email, I'll sign it. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. I'll sign it. There's a girl on Harvard Sailing Team. Her name is Jen. Our comedy team is called Harvard Sailing Team.

And she works in comedy theaters and she's often the liaison between trying to bring money into the theater and just trying to be a professional person. And she wrote a professional email to somebody. And her signature, she wanted to write, sincerely, Jen. But she accidentally wrote, seriously, Jen. Which you're not going to believe this. Seriously, Jen. And Jen. Speaking of making people happy, why don't we make our audience happy and answer a few questions?

This is, after all, an advice podcast. Nice hosting. Reeling it in. Segway of the year. So, Adam, you've never been on the show, so I can explain it to you as though you've never even listened to it. I don't know if you have or haven't, but this is an advice podcast. Great. People will email us.

They're in difficult places and sticky situations seeking our wisdom, our guidance. Sometimes it's me and Jake. Sometimes we have our friends and lovers in the studio right now we have both nice one of you is a friend one of you is a love and it's up to each other to find out which is not like the uh i thought a fun thing to do would be since we have guests in the studio uh sometimes we play a game where we just search our gmail for a word that's kind of rare oh yeah that's good we call it the game boy yeah oh i've never met the game boy but i've heard of the podcast he is a very mysterious man i'll put it that way he just he speaks in a different uh intonation yeah dialect it's almost arrhythmic you don't know what the game boy is up

to or what he's going to dip into the me see if I can dip into the Game Boy character really quick. Oh, the Game Boy. Wow. The Game Boy has arrived. Where did Jake go? Is Jake still here? Yeah, he's in the seat. Oh my god, that's you. You're levitating. I am the Game Boy. So the goal is to find a word that

isn't... We have 15,000 emails. It's ideally found in just one or at least as close to it as possible. We're under 15,000 at this point. Intern of the year. Marissa just started. Yeah. She's kicking ass.

Really? Yeah. She's going through the emails, making sure that we answer only the best of the best. Wow. Uh, how many emails do you guys get? Honestly,

that's not a nurse question. We really do have 15,000. We had 15,000. That's just insane. Now we're, now we're dipping under, but it's like a 40 to 50 a day maybe? Yes.

So Adam, do you think you have a name, a word, a word that exists only in a few emails of our 15,000? Okay, let me think and really be reasonable with this. 15,000 emails, people in trouble. I want to say garage. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. I bet you have 12 emails that have the word garage.

12 emails? I'm going's say we have 33 what that would be like hey guys love your podcast i listen to it all the time in my garage wow that's that's very close we have 37 whoa james's audience i'm good at guessing i'm fucking real good with guessing numbers man so is the goal then to get one of those 37 or do we want to bring it down even further to the one? I think out of this one, Adam, why don't you just give me a number 1 through 37, and I'll choose that email. 15, thank you.

Wow, that was so quick. That's the way I already knew. Wow, I can't believe you have 37 emails with the word garage. All right. That shouldn't surprise me too much. We've never read this email before. Okay. Could be great, could be awful.

Great. We're about to find out together. Cool. It seems like a man's name, so let's give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. What do you got? Ted? Ted what? With two D's. Ted with two D's? Yeah, yeah. That's his last

name. Yeah, with two D's. Ted with two D's. That's right. And then, how do you spell Ted? Just with one D. T-E-D, last name, with two D's. With two D's Mean parents These parents suck That's my favorite name I think I've ever had in this show

Ted with two D's Yeah, full name Edward with two D's Which does have two D's Hey JNA And Adam and Billy Huge fan of the program and everything you do Keep it up, here's my problem I'm a 19 year old guy and I'm facing a crossroad in my life.

I'm currently working part-time as an apprentice for a contractor who builds and repairs garage doors. Ding, ding, ding, ding. It pays very well and he recently told me that come June he wants to hire me full-time, which would mean I would make even more money and be sitting pretty easy. I would also be his first employee for his first own business which would mean that when his company starts expanding i would become an executive financially this is a dream come true on the other hand me and my best friend had a passion to pack up and move to portland oregon to start our own business our business plan is amazing and it would involve art, production, and music, which we both share a drive for.

We had planned on leaving for Oregon in June when we had saved up enough money. Being stuck in my boring hometown wouldn't be the most exciting thing to me, but making a bunch of money and having a job with so much room for advancement sounds great and is a way safer option. Moving to Portland would be more exciting and fun, but would also be a much bigger risk if I had failed at all, and if I succeed, I'd be living my dream job. So what should I do? Move to Portland with my best buddy and follow our dreams,

or stay in my hometown and start a career as a contractor? More importantly, what would you guys do? Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear what both of you have to say on this issue. Todah, love, Ted with 2Ds. Okay. There's a common question

we get. Really? It's people needing a kick in the butt or Do I do the safe thing or follow my dream? Yeah. Have you guys ever reached that crossroads in your life? We followed our dream right out of college. We knew we were going to do comedy. We graduated and we lived broke for five years and just did comedy.

Did you have a safe option? What was the safe option? No comedy, just go home and do what? Did you have a garage door contractor that you could have fallen back on? I barely have a garage in my house, to be honest with you. I had and have no backup plan. If this goes poorly, I'll just die that day. Worth noting that up until graduating college, Adam was a singing telegram.

Yeah, so the backup plan was also a joke. In a way. He was a singing telegram. You really were a singing telegram? I was, yeah. That was like my home from summer and winter break college gig back in my hometown. How often did you get sent out on gigs? Way, way too often.

It was both adult singing telegrams and children's birthday party entertainment. So like on the weekends, I would be dressing up in a bunch of kids costumes. Such as who? Well, such as Barney and Mickey and Peter Pan, et cetera, except she didn't have the legal rights to all these names. So all the characters had to be Benny the purple dinosaur. Not Elmo, E-L-M-O, but L, just an L-M-O. Not SpongeBob. SpongeRob.

So I was going to a lot of these children's birthday parties dressed like an asshole and doing that. Or sometimes going to TGI Fridays dressed as Zorro and singing to my friend's parents for their 50th anniversary. I remember when I was on the No Joke podcast, the subject was jobs. And all Adam did was talk about his jobs, and I just laughed for half an hour. That's right. At one point, this business devolved into you being a male stripper that's right they were called the same business same one same one because uh the woman was she just did you just have you as an employee absolutely correct correct she was you had a pimp that's correct correct absolutely correct absolutely adam would leave the office

dressed as a sexy female nurse female sometimes nurse joseph to strip so i don't even know ever get paid yeah i got paid 35 bucks a pop all right yeah regardless of how many hours i could have been less than minimum wage at that point yeah well the the gig itself it was like you know the zingagram which is the name of the bit that sort of each little event was supposed to be like 45 to 50 minutes. But depending on my tolerance for humiliation, it would vary. Job started in June. By August, people were running train on Adam. He was a Bukkake Thai lady boy.

They would saran wrap him. 12 Japanese businessmen. Elmo, Benny the Dinosaur, and Cum Dumpster Adam. Everybody mostly wanted Cum Dumpster. Yeah. Weird. It wasn't even on the website. They just knew.

It was word of mouth slash garbage pail kid that they subscribed to. I love that the going rate for shame was $35 an hour. And I was happy to do it. You're right. I was happy to do it. Not a bad rate. So in a way, you did both the hard job to make money and the dream happy to do it it's not a bad rate uh so in a way you you did both the the hard job to make money and the dream job to do comedy yeah in a way i guess and i guess i did yeah i mean i

i personally i i relate to this struggle in a sort of like i've seen movies about this yeah uh like i can relate to this struggle sort of in the abstract um but i i personally for me adam it would be an easy decision to sort of like i would say follow your dream move to portland you're 19 years old yeah you have your whole life ahead of you which is a ton of time to press the reset button right you do that at 25 you're still gucci right it's true uh yeah i i often after have done have done comedy for 12 years now i actually fantasize about working on a construction site. Which is interesting. It's like I've got my dreams out of the way.

And now it's like, I just want to be like a good blue collar dude now. A woodworking apprenticeship? Sounds amazing. I want that. All right. You guys have probably talked about your new studio. For everyone at home, it's this incredible, incredible, huge garage loft. There's two levels.

It's totally awesome. But what I am most envious of you guys not owning and running this business. I'm watching you build desks. And I just give me an excuse to build a desk with my buds. We got a closet that we have to put in. You want to? In, dude. You guys are out of town for a week.

You're going to come back with the sweetest closet of broken shelves because I don't work on a construction site. Yeah, you don't know. You don't actually have the skill set to do it. That's my dream. You just have the passion. Yeah. You do seem like a handyman.

You asked me. Because you're strong and you have glasses. Right. You asked me, you hung cool shingles in your studio and you said, is that something that you can do? And I couldn't say no fast enough. Couldn't say no fast enough. But wouldn't you guess yes looking at Billy?

Yeah. Long Island strong guy. Long Island strong island. Yeah. I mean, at 19 i just and portland's a really hopping city i feel like there's a lot of sort of like culture there that failing in portland is so much more fun than succeeding in small town usa but one thing that's my instinct we're not considering the how uh exciting the garage door industry is that's true

so that's a lot of fun who knows what's happened since like because when we were a kid they slid up and slid down garage doors that's oh slowly opening a like a barn matic you know the glass the glass door yeah sometimes there are one hard such thing as that the french garage doors i've seen them yeah the big the opening the big bay that's amazing and uh i grew up in new england there was a lot of that you guys did you guys have the garage that were slats that curved around the opening or was it one piece of wood that just sort of lifted and fell down? Oh, yeah. I've seen that, too.

I remember the slats one. You don't remember the one that curves up like that? I do remember that one, too. Yeah, yeah. How would you guys innovate the garage door if you could? Say you're him, and you're trying to find this one excuse to be like, you know what? I could put my stamp on the garage door. Tell you what.

It goes down into the earth. Oh, my God. to be like, you know what? I could put my stamp on the garage door. Tell you what, it goes down into the earth. Oh! My God. No reason it has to go up, and then your overhead's really low. Yes. Wait, it goes down in the DM? Yeah, it goes down in the DM.

It goes down, it goes down. Yeah. Wow. In the DM. I see your girl. Or I see your man. I hate to be him. Oh, I see.

So you slid it into the DM so you slid it into the DM I slid it into the DM That's amazing This guy it's so clear If you're 19 and you have a chance to go to Portland With your best friend you should do it I once saw a Facebook A video on Facebook of Jim Carrey

Giving a commencement address And it was kind of sad but I guess The message was clear to this guy. We all saw that. My dad did the safe thing and failed. I wish he just followed his dream because you can fail and succeed at things that you like

or things that you don't. You might as well do what you like because even if you play it safe, you can fail. This garage door business could very well go under and then you're an executive of nothing. Of nothing.

And you never went to Portland. Exactly. What's inevitable is failure. I guess that's what we're saying. Because you all end up failing at life. You all die eventually. Okay. That's the most epic fail of all.

Life fail, yeah. Yeah. Breathing fail. He who dies with the best stories win. So go to Portland and win. Get some good stories. You're 19 years old. Yeah, 19 is the time to fail.

Exactly. All right. And 24 and 35. Yeah. 41 is a good time to fail. And then it's like, all right, that's enough failure. Okay, 41 is the cutoff. Max time to fail and then it's like all right that's enough failure 41 to the cutoff max not succeeding you fell at 42 that's breathing failure uh billy do you have a word i'm sorry do you have a word yeah i have a word my word is uh racehorse wow is that a single word or is that two i'm about to find out if somebody used it as i can't

imagine anyone has been emailing you about race i just can't imagine maybe i'm dumb and naive i bet like piss like a racehorse. Oh, that's good. It wasn't a one word. Let me search two with quotes around it. My dad would always use that phrase and I would get embarrassed every time. Nothing. No racehorse.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? You lose the game. To win the game, you find one email. Okay. That is this single email in all 15,000 that has that word. It's happened before. Yeah. We've gotten it before.

Has a fan of Jake and Amir made a fake Twitter person for the Game Boy? No. The Game Boy has no Twitter. Has anyone photoshopped what they imagine the Game Boy looks like? Yes. And what does he look like? Robocop Jake? It was Jake's face on a Game Boy.

Oh, good. That's fun. That's really nice. In the pixelated, in the green screen pixelated. Yeah, I think it was that. Or on top of the boy itself. Yeah, yeah. So we need another word?

Yeah. Can I take one more chance? Yes, you can. Race card. Race card? Like someone played it? Yeah, exactly. Interesting.

Interesting. Race motif. Yeah. No race card either. That sucks at this game. Why did you invite Billy on the show in the first place? Two words, but with quotes around it. Give it one more go.

Let's go one word because the two ones are tripping us up. Pantry. That's a good one. That's a really, really good one. The diner in my hometown is called The Pantry Diner. Shout out Rockville Center, Long Island. Okay. Nothing, Billy. good one it's a good one the diner in my hometown is called the pantry diner shout out rockville center long island okay um nothing bill it's it's a lot of nature box ads uh sorry nature box orders does nature have a question for you but there is there is a few that are non uh non nature box let's do it uh people misspelling panty yeah that's true my pantries were so wet she was but she was wearing granny

pantries granry pantries uh god there was a funny subject that i'm looking for uh what's that take it down yeah enjoy the silence you guys you guys i'm still thinking about garage doors going into the ground instead of up into the house that is actually genius jake you should totally start a construction site, Jake. Yeah. That'd be really cool if you could just pile wood,

do something with it. Found a good one. Tweet it on. What is this guy's name, William? Pardon me? What's this guy's name? That was the name.

Pardon me. Pardon me, he's Asian. Pardon me, he's Asian. Rights. Pardon me, he's Asian. So this is a very weird problem, but I need a solution ASAP. Oh, God. Urgency.

This email was written two and a half years ago. This guy is long dead. We have not read it. As soon as possible. Turns out possible was today. This is the first time anyone's opened it. So my best friend, my best friends have some very weird obsessions with my dog. I went out of town for a week and I let my dog, Peta, great name, Peta, stay with him while I was gone.

I got home yesterday and I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek. Oh, a tear running down his cheek. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, God. I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek when I took my pup back. Since I took home Peta, he's been stealing all the peanut butter from the pantry. I think this might be a joke. And eating all of it.

So I know my best friend's secret Twitter account, and he tweeted something about loving the feel of peanut butter being slurped off his smooth, silky skin. This is a joke email. This sounds like a joke. God damn it. I am seriously creeped out. And then yada yada.

So this is an example of another uh type of email we get which is people fucking with us yeah i can't believe we gave this guy the time billy you have lost the game oh you have lost you should epically suck there's something valiant about losing as bad as i've lost up to this point. Can we talk about this for a second? Do you think that he wrote this email in hopes that two of his favorite comedians and people he looks up to would think he was funny and be psyched by it? What do you think? Why do you think he wrote this email? Because I actually just lost respect for him.

He wasted my time. Exactly. But I would think that it would be that. If I'm a fan of the podcast, I just want Jake Amher, Jakey and me to think I have a silly story to tell. Oh damn, this guy is super funny. We got to get him on the show. Oh,

just answering in his fantasy world where we're just like praising him and asking him to come on the program. And we're just doing a bunch of bits about dogs licking off.

I found a real pantry email. Oh yeah, let's do that. So let's say this guy writes, same name? Yes. Same name. Pardon me? Pardon me. All right. He's a this guy writes. Same name? Yes. Same name. Pardon me?

Pardon me. All right. Pardon me. He's Asian. Recently, I took a bottle of olive oil from the family pantry. Yes. And have been using it as lube when I masturbate. This sounds real.

This sounds real. I had been keeping the bottle in my bedside drawer. When I arrived home from school the other day, I was about to go for a quick wink when I realized the olive oil had been replaced by a real bottle of lube. Yes, dude! While the upgrade has enhanced the masturbating experience, I am so alarmed that someone knows of my habits. I can't possibly ask who switched the bottles and have no idea how to approach the issue. What should I do?

Run and hide. Never say anything. Love, pardon me. And hide. Nothing? Jerk off in peace. It's funny that he's like, this is so embarrassing as he's jerking off with the lube that's been replaced. Have you guys ever done the emergency lube replacement of something in a pantry?

What's interesting to me, I've never. What's interesting to me is that someone was able to put the pieces together that the olive oil, he was using it for masturbation. Yeah, cool mom or something. Yeah, but how does that mom even like even put it? If it's in your top drawer, then like she knows that everything in your top drawer is basically used for masturbation. Everything in your top drawer, your desk drawer is like masturbation. That's how I know I grew up because now I keep my lotion in the bathroom. Like now I don't have to share a bathroom with my up because now I keep my lotion in the bathroom.

Now I don't have to share a bathroom with my mom and my sisters and my dad and my brother. I'm like, okay, cool. This is my olive oil. What you've got to do is start just putting other stuff from the pantry in your desk so your mom thinks maybe it wasn't some lettuce. A radish.

A radish! He leaves a radish there and and then the next day, it's just an anal bead. I see what you're doing. You're shoving a salad up your ass. You're the crazy one, Mom. You're mental. Do you think, ironically enough, the olive oil was extra virgin?

Hey, this is If I Were You. Drop the mic. Drop the mic. Tip it over on the ground. One second, because these are extensive. Very fragile, but I'll tilt it. I really think that warrants. Tip it over on the ground. One second because it's kind of, these are extensive. Very fragile, but I'll tilt it. Drop it. I really think that warrants a little.

Hold on one second. It's going to touch the ground. You guys talk because I can't. If I drop it, then I can't. I think you should drop it. I'll lower it down to the ground. Slowly, yeah. Just kiss the ground with it.

So I'm starting to lower it now. Yep. This is such a rap moment. And remember what he said was. How long am I? Just tip it. Come on. Dip it into the ground.

He said you think the olive oil was also. Olive oil was also extra virgin. Oh, the crowd Come on. Dip it into the ground. The olive oil was also extra. Extra version. Oh, the crowd goes crazy. And then here we go. I just feel bad is all. No, no. Just tip it.

All right. Just tip it. On the ground. It's not even reaching. Yeah, it will. It will. All right. Nice, dude.

Boom. Mic drop. Love it. Shit. Now, like, wait, guys. The mic stand is all, like, fucked up. Now I can't, now like wait guys the mic stand is all like fucked up now I can't like

figure out the mic stand part of it it like tipped it over that is one of those moments though as a kid like I've never been

caught masturbating by a parent but I will say that that is one of those stomach drop moments like that is a that is a hard

you'll never forget that yeah no way you only remember like 10 things in between the age of 10 and 20 and that'll be like definitely one of them i got caught with porn like multiple times when i was magazines videos everything like the first time i ever had a porn was like i stole a playboy from my dad's office okay and it was like so my parents thought it was sort of funny they like knew that i had it and then there was a a time when I stayed home from school and I was looking at porn on the computer. This is before I knew that history was a thing.

And my dad came home mid... I used to print out nude pictures on the internet. My dad came home for lunch. I was home alone. My dad came home. He's like, what are you doing? I was like, I was watching TV. And he's like, why is the printer turned off?

It's like a dot matrix. He's like, what are you doing? I was like, I was watching TV. And he's like, why is the printer turned off? It's like a dot matrix. It's still going. Oh, my God. This girl better be wearing a bikini. Was this only in my hometown? But in school playgrounds, like in the sand and stuff, if there was ever like a magazine page like in the sand, you knew immediately it was like weird porn. Oh, interesting.

Wait, what sand? You used to find stuff in the woods. Like in the sandbox. Oh, like in the sand you knew immediately it was like weird porn oh interesting what sand stuff in the woods like in the sandbox like oh like in in the woods of the elementary school yeah if you would just ever see a ripped page a magazine page anywhere in society frankly it was like some sort of weird porno page what a weird dystopian past that we had where we like we needed printouts of porn there they should have that in Mad Max. Everybody should have the gas mask and their water pouch and then also a tiny little...

He has a lever that drops tits everywhere. They're like, oh my God, Valhalla is finally here. That's the porn. That's the bandwidth. That was an enormous waste of water, by the way. For a city so needing of water, just to pour it out, I mean, get some tubes going. It was sort of a show of

a change in the future, but you really shouldn't just let it flow forever. There's not a lot. At least have a little plan. I agree. Let's take a break and thank a few more sponsors and then we'll be right back with more Mad Max commentary after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. is that available it's not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new it's kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying vision lifters.com oh vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're

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What was with the spray paint? The silver spray paint that that guy was eating? Yeah, that also. Was that like food to him or a drug? It just kind of jacked up a little bit. I feel like when it got into his mouth that would do more damage

than good. Yeah. Spray it in the air or something like that. I don't think they cared about the damage it was doing to their body. They were all disgusting

and depraved and they had like goiters on their neck that were killing them slowly. I know, but if I didn't have water the last thing I would do is like spray

like noxious gas into my mouth. Well, you can't really, I mean, it's like talking to a meth head about being like oh are you well hydrated yeah they weren't even actually thinking sort of missing the force of the trees there yeah exactly did you guys like that movie Mad Max I loved Mad Max I I didn't or at least when I watched it I was giggling the whole time thinking everyone's going to think this is like an absurd non-story that's a funny

and then we left and people were like everyone just that movie just changed my life. I had the same exact experience, but not with Mad Max, but not with the story. I was like, this is too loud and crazy. People are not liking this, right? And then when I left, I saw it with Jake and Marty, and they're like, that was one of the best movies I've ever seen. I almost had to leave.

It was so loud. Yeah. We're sensitive. Did you think it was really loud? Too loud. Way too loud. None of you guys liked it? I liked it on second viewing.

The first time I had it, well, we saw it together, right? Yeah. Yeah, we saw it together. And yeah, it seemed to me like one chase scene. I was like, well, this is silly. I get that it's cool and whatever, but this is kind of dumb. There's literally no story to follow. Yeah, the making of Mad Max is probably a much better movie than Mad Max to me.

Yeah. Right. But everyone loved it. I think we're in the minority. I think that's fine. I love action movies. I thought it was fucking dope. It did not disappoint in any way.

Yeah. I watched it again like a couple months later on HBO and it was dope. Jake, you've gone to Burning Man. Because you can control the volume. Exactly. I was just saying that you've been to Burning Man much like Adam and I have. Did you see shades of Burning Man in Mad Max? Totally.

I mean, the monster cars are... The art cars all exist there. They all... They're the same thing. It's Burning Man. It is Burning Man. And I mean, like, the dystopian thing where there's no money. You're always thinking about, how do I get water?

Right. That's true. And also, I was kidnapped and strapped to a car. There was that, too. At Burning Man. It was by Charlize Theron. Yeah, it was a lot like Mad Max. The whole steampunk vibe is like Mad Max.

Would you go? Would you go on here? Never, ever, ever. Never go to Burning Man. Yeah, that would be like watching Mad Max for a week straight for me. Got it. Right. Only I'm actually in the desert.

Right. So it's even less comfortable. Do you like camping? I like camping after the fact. Right. So when I'm done, I'm like, oh, I'm glad I went camping. But I'm never actively seeking to go camping. You like having camped.

Yeah, I like having gone camping. I like working out. Yeah, exactly. I'm glad I did. I feel a little refreshed. Yeah, it's like exercise for my mind, for my soul. I went on a trip to Morocco, and I didn't know how much I enjoyed it. Or I couldn't even tell myself I enjoyed it until I got home and was eating Wendy's in America.

And I was like, oh, Morocco was great. That's part of the – I think that's part of the whole entire camping experience and the Burning Man experience. Like I never appreciated a shower as much as I did in a Motel 6 like in Reno when I finally got back. It's like, oh, my God. This is glorious. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? That's what they say. Your bar of comfort is lowered way, way down.

I actually have a question about the olive oil masturbator, though. Oh, yeah. I don't think we did. I just have a few thoughts on that. Yeah. Which is, I would be concerned that I would get, much like George Costanza in that episode of Seinfeld, that I would get my hunger and erotic instincts confused. Pavlovian.

If you're masturbating with food, that to me, it just- That oil. Can you imagine if this guy could also suck his own dick? Yeah. And how amazing that would taste. And he was Italian. A little butter, olive, like maybe some... A vinaigrette.

Yeah. Just a little bit of vinegar would really go a long way. Yeah. Like a balsamic. Yeah. I just wonder like if he's out to dinner and all this. Yeah, the Italian, the waiter comes over and just like a little olive oil and vinaigrette. Does he get horny?

I would say nothing comes out of a bottle more like semen than that olive oil out of that little metal spigot. Out of a stopper. It's so funny to imagine him at like a restaurant with his mom

with like them pouring like just a little bit of olive oil over a big long piece of meat. Honey, why are you putting olive oil on your hot dog?

Those two. I don't know, mom. I don't know. You're breathing awfully heavily right now. The telltale cock. Just fucking Pavlovian response sensory overload. I can't take it anymore. Exactly.

I masturbate with oil. Is that healthy? Like what if the olive oil got into his urethra? Yes, exactly. I think that's fine. Okay. I'm a doctor. I guess you can eat it. So it's like fine if it's in your body.

Yeah. If you can eat it, you can also shove it in your dick. In. That's true. I actually have a little bit of mashed potatoes up my cock right now. A gravy. How about what would you do? Would you go around like a witch hunt asking who replaced the bottle?

No. Of course not, because then you tell everyone in your family. You really have to guess correctly. That you were masturbating. Like right now, best case scenario, only one person knows. Yeah. And they replaced it before anybody else. You'd have to nail it.

You know what you do? You put olive oil all over the house in weird places. That's it. You throw them off the tray. It's like, yes, of course there was olive oil. Like why would you put cream here? Like I also, did you not look in like the bathroom cabinet? cabinet like i put it and did you not look in like the living room on the living room then your problem is so much weirder it's like i don't i wasn't using it to

lubricate my masturbation i just hide it around the house right okay well now you have to see a therapist i once uh got in a car with uh some friends of ours and one of our friends is a terrible driver and i meant to text another one of our friends saying I didn't know that I was going to be in the murder car because the murder car was driven by this friend who was inevitably going to kill us. Well, it turns out that I sent that text to her. Whoops. And so my fight or flight moment decision was

send her 10,000 more texts with nonsensical sentences Yeah, bury it. until she would approach me and be like, hey, what's the deal with all these wacky sentences? And it worked. And it worked because that sentence was part of a plethora of other nonsense. But it was the first one. Exactly.

It's not like you buried it in the middle. Exactly. And so that's why I say, put olive oil now all over your house. Jars of olive oil everywhere. And then masturbation will just be another possibility. Maybe he has just a weird thing. I'd rather be a guy who can't she like replaces it with toothpaste yeah exactly it doesn't even need to be olive oil you can just start putting things where they don't belong all over your house so this lady this lady your mother the the driver gets out of the car looks at her

phone and then she has 50 messages yes first one is i didn't know i'd be on the murder car second one is what the next one was just like haha when are you getting here and it was just like now she has no idea what yeah and then the third one is like my name is prince edward yes literally like the challenge was coming up with so many different non-connecting sentences to just make it seem like this crazy and we got to the restaurant we were going to and as soon as she didn't see any of those texts until she sat down and she looks up she's like Billy 50 texts you're so weird and I was like I'm so weird

and I'm looking at all my friends like fucking murder car murder car I almost murdered myself. The funniest thing is if you sent her 50 texts to throw her off and then the car flipped over yeah there are no clues here I mean there was a murder text thing but there was also 50 other ones. Billy gets blamed for the murder.

It was this guy that had texted her 50 times. It looked like he had had a stroke or something because he texted her pretty much 50 non-sequitur texts. But you got to know your audience because a savvy person would read the first one and be like, what the hell is this all about? And you question that immediately before going through the next 49.

That's right. Game Boy, do you have a question, a last word to search? Yes. Yes, the game boy does okay hen that awkward moment to hen hen is good hen is good tfh that feeling hen this is really funny some guy how many hen emails are there right now there are eight one of them them is Lonely and Horny Forward. The guy's last name was Hen. Chris Hen?

No, not Chris Hen. One is from BJ's Restaurant. One is from Animal Group. It looks like there's only two real questions. Pretty good. The Game Boy. The Game Boy looks content content but troubled yes game

boy wants it even more this is worse than a lot this is funny uh i'll read this question and when i get to the word hen you guys are gonna love it yes this is exciting do you have a name for us uh um tittle yeah what tittle it's like oprah one word tittle why yo i'm tittle tittle right so i'm a senior in high school and this girl is and there's a girl in my orchestra that i kind of like we talk every day and there is some definite flirting going on uh we went on one date but it was very casual. Since hen, we have talked... What a typo. Since hen... Oh, and then later they go to a chicken rooster farm.

So it does come up. No, no, no. Since hen, we have talked and the spark fizzled out a bit. Since we had Thursday and Friday off, Wednesday night, the school hosted a dance and the whole time she was grinding on one of my friends with me standing right there. Jesus. grinding now i know that we weren't dating at all and i'm not mad whatsoever at her friend right uh but i don't know where to go from here she has told me that

she liked me one time over text and one of her friends also told me that she likes me i want to make this girl official but after wednesday i feel weird asking her out. After her and my friend grinded all night long. Should I just ask my friend if he's cool with it? I already asked him if they were a thing, and he said, I don't know, probably not. So what should I do? This girl's really great, and I like her a lot. Thanks.

We should talk about grind culture for a second. I want grinding. I mean, Jake, it seems like you understand grinding like I understand grinding. I fucking love grinding. Did everyone here grow up in a grinding at sweet 16s environment where dancing wasn't there was no space between you and your dancing my bar mitzvah is the first time i grinded yeah really i grind i would grind with anybody my friends girlfriends my friend it's always you're both facing the right the same way it can go one no it's got to be i love face to face oh no i you

go i like but fuck it doesn't even matter. That's it. I like butt-to-butt grinding. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, facing away grinding. Yeah, I just grind my ass on her ass. Yeah, or a wall. Yeah, we would call them reggae lines, too.

Did you guys call them reggae lines? Is that when everyone's grinding in a ring? It's basically a bunch of horny, pubescent teens, almost like braiding their knees together so that their you know, their penises and her butt are just jamming.

The song, Too Close by Nex. Step back, you're feeling kinda close. Feel a little poke coming through from you.

That's a boner. That song's all about grinding. You felt it. Boy, you know I can't help it. You know what I wanna do. Masturbate with can't help it. You know what I want to do.

Masturbate with olive oil. Yeah. Is the code off. I remember going from like sixth grade, we were slow dance. It was all about slow dance. Yes. And you get a small erection. And the goal was to stand far enough away that it was like, she cannot feel it.

And then one year later, seventh grade is like, oh, I want everyone to feel the erection. And she's got to get close. And she wants to feel it on her poop. And grinding is really physically grinding on one another. It's basically dry humping on the dance floor. It's the most you can fuck without fucking. I'm 30. I love grinding.

I still love grinding. Still. Still. I'm with you, Jake. Who would want a good grind? MTV's the grind so to this kid's question I wouldn't be I think everyone on earth loves grinding there's no cheating you're not cheating and you're not even showing necessary like I choose you because I'm grinding with you

I think everybody just wants to get a good grind that's just adolescent hormones overflow with yeah it just I can't even stand my dick not rubbing against anything and if it's rubbing against another vagina or a butt like that's the best feeling you can get in high school like it grinding means a lot to those people yeah right like it that could be the first that could be the equivalent of making out yeah you might like this dude but she might also like the guy she's grinding with i don't think that you need to like pay any credence to the grind though though. The fact that it happened is fine, and just keep on operating like it never

happened. And you bring up making out. Somehow, even though boners and butts are in the grinding equation, it's still less intimate than making out. I would feel like that girl is not as necessarily interested. If she was making out with that dude, that's a different story. Hold her from ballgame.

Despite the fact that she has your best friend's boner in her butt on the dance floor yeah it's still somehow less intimate and she's making less of a big choice because there's fabric that's just dancing yeah just it man yeah just mtvs the grind yeah so i wouldn't sweat it i would in fact just try and grind up on any other person that seems like a willing partner you should be grinding yourself yep yes so go for it. Find a willing grinder out there. You already wrote for it. Get your grind on. Guys,

thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you. Thank you, Jake. I'm thrilled that we finished with grinding. That's a subject that really played a large part in my adolescence. Could that be the name of the episode?

Grinding? Grinding. Yeah, we could do that. Last time we ended with fish filet. So this time, all your favorites. We are also going to go to McDonald's and get another fish filet. Get more fish filet. At the end of every podcast, whether it has to do with fish filet so this time all your favorites we are also going to go to mcdonald's and get

another fish get more fish at the end at the end of every podcast whether it has to do with fish filet or not i know that it's poor form to start a new conversation when the host has clearly segued into the end but can i just ask a quick question sure we once i posted a picture of jake holding an open fish filet from our trip to mcdonald's right and okay you get you guys have so many fans you get a lot of likes, that was something new for me, but there was a series of your fans who started freestyle rapping in the comments section.

So sometimes, every so often, I'll get huge chunks of freestyle raps about the fish filet, but it seems like they're directed to you. Is that something that you guys get a lot of? I don't get a lot of freestyle raps. Okay, so that's a singular... That's just a you problem, I think. Or not a problem. You honored. Yeah, yeah. Honored. You privileged. Okay. Okay, so that's a singular. That's just a you problem, I think. Or not a problem. A you honor.

Yeah, yeah. Honored. A you privilege. Okay. All right, well, we can talk more about that while getting fish fillets after the podcast.

Yo, get some fish. What if people want to listen to more Billy and Adam? Where's the No Joke podcast located? And what is the No Joke podcast? The No Joke podcast is on this very HeadGov network that we sit inside of as we speak.

Thank God. We throw it out every Friday. Episodes go up every Friday. Great. And it's Billy and I goofing around. Sometimes we have a guest. Sometimes we don't. And we usually talk about, we take one topic very loosely.

We talk about our previous, our present, and our future experience with it. But again, that's super loose. We really just goof off. When I was on, we talked about jobs. Jake was on. He talked about directing. That's right. Ben Schwartz was on an episode. You talked about basketball. Basketball, yep, yep, yep. One of my favorites. When I was on, we talked about jobs. Jake was on, he talked about directing. That's right. Ben Schwartz was on an episode.

You talked about basketball. Basketball, yep, yep, yep. One of my favorites. Milana was there. We talked about Burning Man. The episode that's coming out, in fact, came out last week, was all about ghosts and my history with interacting with ghosts and being haunted. There's something for everybody.

So if you guys want even more great podcast content, check out the No Joke Podcast on the HeadGum Network. Please. Guys, thank you for coming on the show. Oh my god, thanks for having us. I feel like I learned a lot about penises and food. Yeah, olive oil and grinding. Basically.

And grinders. The opening theme song, again, was written by that band Kuro Kuma, and this last one is written by Danny Steele. Love it. Nice. Can I just exit with an image for everybody? Sure. It's just that guy pouring olive oil down his pants and then walking confidently out to a dance floor

to grind on somebody. It seems like you're describing a Gilo Zeri snap. Why not? Pouring olive oil down his pants and walking away. To grind. All right, cool. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Later. Later. kind of beer if I were your show if I were you if I were your show if I were you I would kill a ghoul sacrifice to the devil he'll give you hope you'll haunt your man He'll give you hope You'll want your mail

About your inside out asshole He's following you to show Your gmail.com If I were you I would fight some rogues Find your nearest Starbucks If you left no hope You'll find your hope Teaching hand-me-downs

It's only your show At gmail.com It's Follow your show HGMAM.com That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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