Segments - 22: Threesome

Episode Date: September 19, 2013

In this episode we discuss war, religion, and sexuality. You know, light topics. This bonus Thursday episode is made possible by HuluPlus! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir to show your appreciation... And to see thousands of TV shows and movies. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it.

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HuluPlus.com is the best way to do that. That's right. Hulu is not just for your computer anymore. And if you go to HuluPlus.com slash Amir, you can get a free couple-week trial before you even pay anything. Perfect, pal. And you could probably sneak in a couple full seasons of TV shows if you binge watch them just right in that two-week trial. So HuluPlus.com does have tons of TV shows, but they also have a lot of movies. They have every

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Yeah, at the very least a movie buff. This thing is so different. I'm a film nerd. I'm a movie buff. You're the same thing, but you're just calling it differently. I'm strong and I like movies. I'm a movie, I'm a buff movie buff. You're the same thing, but you're just calling it differently. I'm strong and I like movies. I'm a movie, I'm a buff movie

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Hulu Plus, which will hopefully be next Thursday. Alright guys, enjoy the show. If they were you. if they were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. Oh yeah a girl right before you try to hook up with her yeah i could see that so this is like i have a

podcast and uh sort of a smooth r&d jam from it uh the part about me not caring if there's blood when i pee is sort of an inside joke it uh it doesn't reflect it is rooted in reality but uh sorry i'm not clean. Are you not clean? Can we do this? Did you ever get the results of your test back yet? I get them tomorrow. But you're not too concerned because of something that she told you?

Oh, yeah. Well, no, I don't want to say this again. You got me into trouble last time. It came from a doctor. The first time I went to a doctor and tried to get an STD test, he was like, what do you think you have? And I said, I mean, I don't have any symptoms. I just want. I guess D, all of the above.

Yeah, just like test me for everything. And he was like, all right, I'll do that. But just so you know, if you have an STD, usually you know. Yeah. And that's what I said on the podcast. We got people from Planned Parenthood writing me in saying I was completely wrong. I think it's like there's a chance that you might still have it, but it's not a big one. Right. I guess it's rare.

So yeah, the doctor yesterday was like, are you experiencing any symptoms? And I was like, no. And she was like, okay, then you're probably fine. But I thought these things sometimes don't have any symptoms. She was like, oh no, STDs are uncomfortable, ugly. You'll know. I was like, I read. I was lectured.

In fact, I was bullied, I think, by a bunch of people on the internet. You see, I have a podcast. Can I play you a slow jam, ma'am? Are we both rolling? So I guess the overall thing is it's still a possibility. If you're sexually active, you should get tested. Right. Always get tested if you're sexually active. You shouldn't be too concerned unless you see or feel something bad.

Right. At that point, then it's like, uh-oh, you definitely have to get tested. Yeah, then hurry up and get tested. That said, I do have open sores all over my face and penis. I can't describe them as anything but open. They are just open, open sores. I think I have scabies. I have three open sores, one closed sore,

and one that sort of vacillates between the two. It sort of talks like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Shit, can you believe I have scurvy? I can't believe it. Am I a pirate? Am I on the Oregon Trail? What is scurvy? I can't believe it. Am I a pirate? Am I on the Oregon Trail? What is scurvy? I think it's a gum disease. All right. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And yeah, we talk about old diseases, stuff that may or may not exist anymore. Tuberculosis,

you think people get that? I don't know, maybe. I probably have it. Please test gen anymore tuberculosis you think people get that i don't know maybe i probably have it please test genital tuberculosis i think i have genital tuberculosis actually do i do i have somehow have smallpox i think i got the goddamn bubonic plague from some chick i met at the panther room the panther room was at the end of the oregon trail right she stole three axles from me and a cod, a salted cod. And my heart. So for those of you who have never heard this show before, you can turn it off now. Yep. No new friends.

No new friends. No new listeners. No new listeners. We sort of have plateaued, I feel like. Yeah. We've reached more than enough of our listeners. We still ride with our day ones you understand that right

is that a lie from the song still ride with my day ones no new friends Drake hangs out with three kids that he met in elementary school one's a doctor one's dead and the other one's some sort of periodontist who knows a lot about scurvy evidently

no new friends what a bad bad advice he shouldn't be on our show it's kind of cool no new friends is like you know i'm a lot of people trying to like be his buddy now that he's rich and famous and he's like no i still got my old friends i don't need anybody my day ones my day ones don't ride with my day one do you still ride with your day ones i haven't seen my day ones. Do you still ride with your day ones? I haven't seen my day ones in a long time, actually. In two minutes, actually. So we receive emails to our email address, ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And these are people in difficult places.

They really have nowhere to go. They're seeking advice, and they're too ashamed, embarrassed or lame to even ask their parents, loved ones, friends. People are going to stop writing it and they're so lame and stupid that they wrote it. And this is what I hate about them. They have the audacity. The audacity.

These are my day ones, mind you. So imagine how I feel about new friends. Imagine how low I feel about day twos. So these are people who write into the show they're seeking advice and we do our best to uh to advise them um you know not always great advice but hopefully entertaining to say the least the very least so yeah should we get started these are five questions that we chose from a list of literally 12. The top five of 11. You guys are through the looking glass now.

You peeled the curtain back. I'm sorry. I shouldn't say 12 because two of them were about you correcting you about your STD thing. So we're down to nine. I'd really like them to talk to my doctor, okay? Who I guess was just a PA at a free clinic in Midtown. But she knew what was what. She knew how to take my blood, tell you what. Hey, PAs are doctors too. I think actually they're not. Oh, never mind. All right, here we go. Ready? This

is a real email, but we're going to change his name to preserve his anonymity. Anonymity. Here we go. This is from David Brent. Hey, guys. Here's the sitch. There's this girl at my school, and I'm sure one of you guys knows the phase in which two people like each other.

We know, and everybody else knows, and it's just a short matter of time before I make the move or we hook up at a party or whatever. Here's the problem. I have a lot of uncontrollable gimmicks. One of which is shouting random shit extremely loudly when I see my mates in the halls. So anyway, I saw her walking down the hall the other day and shouted, excuse me miss, no fat chicks. Harmless and quirky, right?

Wrong. After she looked my way and giggled, she turned and walked face first into an automated swinging door her way. Her face is now messed up. Not permanently, though. She'll go back to being a smoke show when the bruising and swelling goes away and her nose brace is taken off. But here's the thing. She's really cool and doesn't even care about looking messed up for a couple weeks

and is even acting the same way around me. I, however, can't reciprocate now because of her face. Do I reveal my inner shallowness and ignore her until she's back to normal? I really like this girl. Can you help an English 18-year-old out? Love, David Brent. Shut up, dude.

You absolute dick. He sort of knows that he's being being a dick but he doesn't care he's like she's really cool she's acting normal around me even though she's temporarily so amazing about this girl she's like you know in high school a pretty girl gets like her face all fucked up and she's still cool she sounds awesome and you're such a jerk you clearly you don't deserve her at all this is your fault you're the one that slammed the door into her face no he didn't he just said he yelled no i'm just trying to make him feel guilty he yelled an insult at her no fat chicks and instead of her getting mad at him she giggled to the point

where she walked into a door broke her nose and not only does this guy not feel guilty, but he doesn't want to even entertain her, even though she's a cool girl, until she starts looking like she used to so that he can hook up with her. Right. So for the couple weeks that she's injured, you want to ignore her so that when she starts looking the way she used to. Like a smoke show again. Yeah. Then you want to hook up with her. You don't ignore her so that when she starts looking the way she used to. Like a smoke show again. Yeah, then you want to hook up with her. You don't deserve her. You deserve her, Jake.

I deserve her. In fact. Ma'am, how'd you like to get scurvy? I'll kiss you broken nose and all. Her nose is like an open sore. Two open sores that are nostrils. I've got all ten plagues. I think I have boils.

I have locusts. The worst part about it is my dead firstborn son. He's sort of attached to my penis like a weird kid herpy. I don't even want to get into the fact that all the water I touch turns into blood, but that's a game changer to say the least. You try washing that off. Oh, wait, you can't because it's blood. There we go.

Anyway, what should we tell this a-hole? Be better. Be a better guy. Try to be a better guy. Volunteer. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. I think you have to volunteer at your local soup kitchen. I think you need perspective.

Isn't this what people do at church, like the confession? It's like, say three Hail Marys or whatever. What a terrible system that is. Right. Don't change. Just say this prayer, and I think we're GTG. Prayers, all right? Hey, I cheated on my husband.

Okay. Let's kick it up to 11 prayers and you know what you cheated on him 12 prayers 12 prayers are even should I come clean? no because next time you'll just have to do more prayers I think I'm just going to up the prayer thing

until it's no longer worth it for you there won't be a next time because I killed the person I was having the affair with did you? alright let's make it 20 prayers. I think I need to go to jail. No, no, I don't want you to do that. 21 prayers.

How many prayers do you think? Why don't we, let's hash this out. 10 prayers for the murder, 12 for the... Shit, now I've lost count. Do you have a paper mini golf pen? I want to really figure out how many prayers you owe God. Why would I have a mini golf pen, sir? I figure you stole it.

You are a thief, a murderer, and a liar. You know what? 25 prayers get out of my face. Some religious person is going to us we have how backwards we have this yeah well it's probably not true there's probably another level of remorse or or uh something that you have to do uh in addition to the prayer system i wear what are we talking about now this we're talking about yom kippur atoning for your sins shit uh yeah guy yes you should hang out with her and if if that's a challenge or a

towel a tall task for you then you don't deserve this girl right i i would advocate just telling her the truth about how you feel because maybe maybe she'll see how shallow you are and uh dump you before it even gets started right that's my ideal situation i'm glad the fake name we came up with for this guy is david brent because this because this is the most David Brentian email we've ever gotten. It's like an English guy who thinks he's funny, but in actuality is causing harm to the people around him. Well, he's a little self-aware, because he at least said that he was being shallow.

Yeah, but her face is now messed up. She'll go back to being a smoke show when the bruising goes away. I tried, I tried. You're an asshole. You did this to her. a you a all right next question this one comes from tim tim tim canterbury so recently a friend of mine asked me to help her make an anniversary for her boyfriend who's away on an army mission. The thing is, she's not even that really good of a friend and she's kind of annoying a lot. Anyway, I reluctantly said yes to spending a whole day with her to film her and edit everything.

But now I realized I really don't want to do that. What should I say to her so that I wouldn't have to do this? Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have a hard little day. Yeah, it's a hard day, and then it's cutting the video.

You know how time-consuming editing can be. Tough day, yeah. You have to log and capture the footage and piece it together in a timeline, and then she's going to want a first pass. Yeah, that's not – it's tough. It's annoying. You know what else is kind of a, just like a tough little Sunday is when you're getting shot at in the desert in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Okay. An army mission. This dude gave up like years of his life to be, to be shot at. Sir, the least you can do is give her girlfriend a goddamn anniversary video. Holy shit, the man needs to see his fucking girlfriend.

You know what? I'm going to take his side. You're a traitor. You're a traitor. I think you're Al-Qaeda for this. I think spending a day with someone and editing footage is above and beyond. And it's not really a favor for the boyfriend.

It's a favor for the lady who's not at war. I don't think he can transfer. I don't think he can transfer the good deed. What do you mean he can't transfer the good deed? I don't think he can transfer the good deed. I really think you're anti-American. I'm sorry. You're anti-american i'm sorry you're anti-american so this annoying girl came up to you and said hey my boyfriend's at war

annoying girl she's yeah she's um a war wife okay a widow all right the like the second best kind of patriot go on the second best oh so soldier's the best and then a wife is the second best wife or a husband who stays at home and supports their loved one even though they're gone for two years yeah okay so uh second best asks you to create a video for her spending a day with her and then editing it um you would do it regardless of how annoying the girl is? Well, I don't really know how to log and capture footage. Oh, do you not?

I'm sure you can figure it out, right? There are worse things in the world like getting shot at at the desert. You know, even if I wouldn't do this, I would at least lie about it right now. Of course I would do that. Somebody gave their life to... Oh, great.

So, Tim, if you're still out there listening, if you haven't made the video yet, let her know that you can't do it, but Jake volunteers. I really will do it. It really is. It's a voluntary draft. Tell you what, I'm going to do this. It's a voluntary draft. I'm going to do this and you're going to join the army, okay? How's that? Why? I think you're going to go to do basic training. I think I'd rather just say 11 prayers and call it a week i mean hey i appreciate our troops as much as the next guy

no you don't yes i do yes i do the thing is i don't think this guy i think this girl can you're burning a flag right now oh my god and you know what I think this guy does want to make a video for is Al-Qaeda. I swear to God, you cut the Osama bin Laden tapes, didn't you? Jesus Christ. You fucking scoundrel. You rapscallion traitor bastard. You scab. You cut the Osama tapes.

You cut them. See, this is what I would say. Speaking of the Osama tapes, this is what I would suggest. I wouldn't show her the Osama tapes as a basis, but let her know that she can make a video that's fairly easy. It wouldn't require a day's shoot. You know, like put up your iPhone, talk to your boy. It doesn't have to be a very involved shoot.

You don't have to like, you know, cut something together that's very like high production value. You can, every little bit helps so you can uh you can suggest to her that maybe she should shoot something that's a little more simple you know like her in front of a webcam oh that can be kind of sexy that may be like a tasteful nude or something yeah yeah yeah and that you would help her shoot that hey johnny um my buddy Tim just helped me shoot this video for you. It's just her naked the entire time. No.

So what's your real advice? If I were you, I'd probably suck it up and do it. That does sound like good advice. Not because I'm trying to get out of the work, but that probably is closer to know, it's closer to what the guy probably wants, you know, just to see his wife or girlfriend. I hear that, I read somewhere that the best thing in a care package are photos and videos of loved ones and good thick, durable socks. Oh. So, I don't know. Where'd you read that?

At Al Qaeda training camp? Of course they want you to say that. Socks are the worst things to give soldiers. They don't need socks. They need rocks. Happy feet, happy soldiers. So this is what I would suggest. If I were you, help her out.

You know what? Help out the troops. Help out this lady. But pare it down. You don't have to spend a day with her and then a day editing. Just say you should make a nice simple video that would take an hour or two of your time. Yeah, and the soldier is going to say, hey, I really would love to fight this war abroad, but maybe I'll just angrily tweet at some uh at some people who hate america who hate freedom how's that for an hour

or two can i do that maybe i'll come home uh a year early from my mission is that okay oh wait it's not because i'm serving my country for people like you gee whiz thanks uncle sam oh we are treading into dangerous territory can i just just say... I think we've been... War and religion in this podcast. Yeah, right off the bat. Not even halfway done. If we did offend anyone, we were totally kidding. None of that was actually us. That wasn't us being real.

I don't think I came off badly, actually. Yeah, because I was the one doing the prayer joke, and then I was the one suggesting not helping this lady. Yeah, shit. I'm going to... STDs aren't contagious. You can't get them without open sores. You can't...

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. This is devolving into a terrible, terrible advice hour. All right. Question number three? Yeah. Ready? This one's from a lady. Ooh.

We'll call her Dawn. Dawn, I like it. Dear Jake and Amir. Shit, should I have used our real names? Now people know who we are. Right. All right. Dear Jake and Amir, I've just started dating an actor.

He is a great guy and we get along really well. The only thing I'm unsure of is with him kissing girls in acting scenes. It's not much of a problem per se, but I feel uneasy, and I don't want to get jealous when this does happen. How should I not get jealous or worry? I keep thinking about Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt debacle. Being actors, how do your other halves deal with the awkward scenes that you guys are in? Toe-da and much love.

Toe-da. Toe-da indeed. Toe-da. Toe-da indeed. Toe-don. Whoa. Wow. We've been hanging out not enough together. We should say everything at the same time. I'd rather not.

I think I might go, actually. So, well, first of all, thanks for calling us actors because no one's ever referred to us as that. We're hacks. Yeah, we're not really actors as much as we are. We're anti-american anti-religion anti-establishment hacks on camera fartsmiths more than anything else but even even in our limited uh acting uh careers i don't even want to call it a career even in our

limited acting how self-deprecating can we be Like we haven't made 600 videos where we act. I don't know, this weird thing we do for a living. It's like, I don't want to call it acting because that's what everyone else calls it. You call me out on all my bullshit and I hate it actually. Get out of my towel cave. But it has come up even in our limited acting experience where we do have to kiss another person on camera. And the other halves, as she calls it,

were of varying degrees of comfortable with it. But never completely comfortable. Yeah, it's weird because I think there's just something about kissing that you always are going to be a little upset by. Right, because even if it's quote-unquote fake, it's not actually because you actually are smushing be a little upset by. Right, because even if it's quote-unquote fake, it's not actually because you actually are smushing your lips against somebody else. Right.

I will say from my experience kissing on screen and having girlfriends who were sometimes cool with it, sometimes upset, sometimes very upset, it really like when you're on the set, when they tell you to kiss the person, it's so... Non-se kiss the person, it's so... Non-sexual? Yeah, it's like surgical or something.

It's cold. It's very cold. You have to understand how many... On the screen, it's like, oh, that's just my boyfriend and a girl, and they're kissing. But on that set, there's like lighting, grips, the director, the assistant director, producers, the craft service table. So you can cheat on people as long as there's people watching? So that's what you say? So, oh, babe, don't worry.

I fucked this girl, but it was at a party and there were 30 people around. Oh, what? You don't understand? There were people around. Does that make it better? Oh, it makes it worse? Because everyone was witness to what i did to you how dare you sir how dare you i don't want to respond because everybody thinks that i just left mid-rant

i'll add a door closing noise which i thought about doing uh it is yeah it does help to think of it that way. But at the same time, I feel like people are pre-wired to either accept that or not. It's true. I guess there was also times where I like found out I was kissing somebody in a script and I was like kind of amped about it. Right. Even if you're a little bit amped, it's like, oh, that's not fair. Why do you get to kiss people? And I know because your occupation requires it. Yeah. Yeah.

That it's his job. Oh. Is he a good actor? Yeah, I think it depends on how good the actor is. Like, if this guy's an amateur actor writing his own

online videos that he kisses people. Where he's just, like, boning chicks. Yeah. That doesn't count. So I'm shooting this on my iSight

and I have, like, a three-way kiss with two chicks. But if it's, like, if it's a TV show, cable or better, okay, we're not talking about, like,

some of that public access shit. Honestly, let's cap it at Adult Swim 15-minute minisodes and up. So anything below that doesn't really count. And every time he kisses somebody, you get to fuck somebody. Yeah. And if he's in a movie, let's say it's a budget of $500,000 or better. Because at that point, under $500,000, it's not really going to be seen by anyone.

It's just like a little indie thing. That's just for him. Yeah, it just like a little indie thing that's just for him that's just porn he's doing yeah he's doing porn i think so you know what it's tough this is what my thought is yeah you're in this situation i was in this situation it is it is a difficult place because nobody's comfortable uh if one of your halves is uncomfortable so it's not like you're enjoying it, and then she's not enjoying it either. So it's not a good situation. What helps is, I think, being, one, completely transparent about what the scene requires beforehand. Like, you should ask him to, like, see what the scenes

or the scripts call for before you actually do it. That way you're not going into the scene, hoping the worst or thinking about the worst and then seeing it for the first time on, you know, whatever it is, television, the big screen, the little screen, or if you're on Hulu plus, you can watch it on your mobile device. Oh God, you slipped into advertising mode. So being open and transparent about it is good. And not that you could do this, but I feel like the way I've seen it succeed is when actors are dating other actors.

Because then they understand. Yeah, because then they understand. So whatever you're doing in your career, drop it. And become an actress. Become an actor, yeah. But the problem is actors dating actresses is also incredibly volatile and never works out either right i mean in our we i guess we do have limited experience because like when we are on set

it's like for the day and you go home and you sleep in your apartment right like some movie actors they like have to say goodbye for two months right and they're like on set with their person who's playing their love interest and like yeah i i, that's why so many people. Yeah, that's why like nobody in Hollywood ever remains in a relationship forever. It's a very, it's a terrible place to be. Just make sure your boyfriend does TV, not movies. Yeah, that's a good ask. That's an okay ask if you can ask it.

Whatever your aspirations are, limit them to the smaller screen, please. But maybe you do get desensitized to it over time and i guess it depends on how much you like this actor guy like if he's like a famous legit actor then it's worth it for him to is it joseph gordon levitt honestly if it's joseph gordon levitt it's joseph gordon levitt and you're fucking you should be proud and honored to have him as a boyfriend he's yeah the fuck whoever the fuck he wants because you're dating joseph gordon levitt and you're writing a podcast oh i don't want my boyfriend to kiss people it's joseph gordon levitt oh my god we're crying out loud and you're you're

what you're complaining because he kissed a girl yeah you know who he kissed freaking megan fox yeah that's who he kissed she he kissed freaking zoe dischanel zoe dischanel you should be honored to kiss the same lips that those a-list hollywood divas actually got into. You should be fucking honored. I can't believe you date Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Can we have an autograph? Can we have an autograph? Can we have your autograph? Can we have your autograph, his autograph, Zoe's autograph,

and Megan Fox's autograph? Please. I'm begging you. Please just take a picture, scan it, email us in at fireyoushow at gmail.com. We really would appreciate it. Hopefully we helped. If not, break up with this guy it's not gonna get better he's gonna have to he's gonna have to do sex scenes imagine that yeah i mean you everyone knows the trajectory of acting it's like first it's kissing and it's like sex scenes then it's like hardcore penetration porn yeah and then before you know it um let's pass that uh bin laden videos

he's he's uh yeah he's working for the goddamn afghan government the enemy uh should we take that little breaky break let's take a nice little break this is a breather this is how it's been going recently 30 minutes of advice which is how long we say the episodes should be. Then a break in the quote-unquote middle. Then one more question. That sounds nice. Yeah.

Do you have anything to talk about, think about? You know, I really, I'm just like, I'm a little hungover. A little late night. Yeah. So. I won't get into too much detail about your last night. But something that you said today that was interesting was that any sex is better than no sex right i said oh yeah so what i said was uh this isn't to say i had sex last night no it's just uh mama it's okay tread lightly

keep that keep that hand that finger wavering over the volume button. I said sex is always better than no sex to varying degrees. Sometimes sex is way better than no sex, and then sometimes sex is just slightly better than no sex. Right, but that might be an extreme one end, and I might be on the extreme other end, which is like most sex is like I would regret it so much that I would rather have no sex. What does it feel like to regret sex?

I guess it would be like... You just like wake up and you're like, I wish that never happened. Yeah, exactly. Why? Because you did something that you're not entirely proud of. You went home with someone that you don't really connect with. You just did it because you wanted to.

Like it felt good. Did it? I guess. I mean did it because you wanted to. Like, it felt good. Did it? I guess. I mean, I've had sex that I regret, but it's probably happened, like, twice. Right. So regardless of who this other person is, what she looked like, how she treated you, what her personality was, regardless, independent of any of that stuff, you'd say sleeping with her was still better than going home alone and not sleeping with anyone.

Yeah. Yeah, I would say that. I wonder if that's normal and abnormal. I'd like to talk to people. I'd like to hear people's thoughts about this. There's probably somebody in the middle that's normal. Yeah. I'm sort of like a deviant monster sociopath.

And I'm like an uptight, prude ass. Yeah, we're so perfect for each other. We are the yin to each other's yang. I fucking care about you, man. If you had sex with me, would you regret it? I mean, I probably wouldn't get to that. How dare you? How dare you even consider that as a thing that you would regret?

No, I would love to have sex with you man thanks i appreciate it of course um all right last question let's bring it home we're coming home we're coming home i'm trying to think okay this one's great this one comes from gareth hey guys so i've been dating this girl for about 18 months now. I'm 22, she's 20. And when we first had sex about a year ago, it was the first for both of us. Anyway, recently the topic of threesomes came up in a conversation, initially as a joke. But then when we started talking about it, I got into it. Then she said that if she were going to have one, it'd have to be with two guys. I love her, but as soon as she said that, I lost a lot of respect for her because that just seems like such a promiscuous,

slutty thing for a girl to want. Her argument was that it's no different to a guy wanting two girls, but I disagree. What do you guys think? Thanks, Gareth. Does he think we're going to agree with him? He does. He really does. That's the ultimate saddest truth. Hey, just looking for two guys that got my back. Who understand that a guy with two chicks is hot and a chick with two dudes is slutty. High five.

Who's with me one time? You asshole. You meanie. You meanie meanie sexist i think that's sexist i think that's the definition of sexist i think so what you want is hot and what she wants is slutty because of uh the third person being a guy versus a girl you lost respect for her just like he i bet he brought it up too, joking like, oh, it'll be fun to have a threesome, don't you think? Yeah, I think it would be cool

if it was another guy. Whoa! Whore bag! You slut! You slut whore! You serpent slut bitch! How dare you, you speak that to me, you deviant whore You slut whore

You come at me with that That poison to my ears Go to hell Alright, fine, maybe another girl I guess that would be kinda hot I could see that, that's sexy Easy with that, uh That other guy shit, though

I feel like you're out of 50% respect zone And it'll take more than a threesome to get it back It'll take a goddamn 4G It's so weird It's so like He's so wrong Her argument is that it's no different But I totally disagree

Actually I completely disagree with you So now you know how it feels to disagree with someone. That's what we feel about you. You just feel insecure. I think that it's easy if the girl is like, I want it to be another guy. You're like, oh man, I can't get you off. Right.

But isn't that what she could be thinking when you say you want there to be another girl? I mean, this guy is wrong. A girl wants to sleep with two guys just like a guy wants to sleep with two guys just like a guy wants to sleep with two girls the question is would you make that trade um i don't know i i probably wouldn't but i wouldn't be i wouldn't i wouldn't be so rigid in like asking like all right two girls and uh and nothing else i i don't know i I think I'd probably, it's...

Although girls are more sexually promiscuous than guys in terms of homosexuality. Like, I'll meet girls who are completely straight who'll be like, yeah, I've kissed girls just because it's fun. Right, like girls who are straight and they're like, oh, I dated a girl. I mean, that's, I don't know.

But guys rarely do that. Guys rarely kiss other guys for fun. At least in America. God. I met some dude yesterday who said that, I mean, maybe I'm going to get people tweeting at me again, but he said in England, maybe he was just trying to hook up with me.

He said, let's make this British. Yeah, I don't know. It's weird. What he said in England, guys make out with other guys just as much as girls make out with other girls here. Yeah. I mean, he said that everybody is just like, it's a lot more sexually free there.

Yeah. That people experiment when they're younger. But I guess I think in terms of threesomes, I wouldn't be that interested in having a threesome with somebody I loved. I think threesomes are sort of like sexy things that happen with when everybody's attracted to each other. But when there's like a relationship involved, it just gets a little messy.

Like you don't want to have a, you don't be in a, you don't want to have a threesome in a relationship. You want to have a threesome one night stand. Yeah. That that's what I would rather do. Yeah. You know what?

I'll have one of those too. Yeah. Wait, tell me about all your threesomes. Are you crying? Are you? Holy shit. I made you cry so fast fast it's because i've only had six whoa the worst kinds too all dudes each one that's a pat castles joke actually oh really yeah that's

funny so uh we don't even want to give you advice. Our advice is to stop being such a meanie. You love and respect this girl. She was at least honest to you. I shouldn't say at least honest to you. She was honest to you. You guys were joking about something, and it's a complete double standard what you did. It's also funny.

I've been where that guy is. We're just like, oh, we're joking about threesomes and then there's sort of like there's some kind of like glimmer of hope and then he's just like then i got really into it like oh we should have a threesome yeah i don't know i might do that like okay when really who could you say that could i get that inviting can i have a pin so you can sign in blood he's opening up his facebook account please just literally just scroll through at random. Any girl will do. For the love of God.

All right. We are out of time. More than out of time. Always more than out of time. Let's end with some apologies. Okay. First of all, sorry for offending any religious people. I don't know the intricacies of Christianity.

I don't know if confession is actually that simple and humorous to say prayers would completely atone for your sins. That said, if it is, good joke, bud. Great joke. Great joke if that's the case. Two, yes, obviously I do support our troops. How do you support the troops? By making videos for their girlfriends to send to their boyfriends. I would spend a week and a half doing that. They fight for something

that I'm too afraid or weak or lame to fight for and I have nothing but the ultimate form of respect for them. Three, this guy isn't a sexist. He's a philosopher. He's the one guy who deserves it. Okay, never mind. Okay, Greg.

Oh, we still have tickets available for our live podcast taping on November 6th at Littlefield in Brooklyn. You can go to ifireushow.com to check that out. We really still appreciate all the feedback and emails we've been getting. Every iTunes review helps us out. So if you are at your computer right now, if you can open up the iTunes store, go to Ifireu and leave us a positive review. That helps. Yep.

So what do you say, threesome guy? You little piece of shit. You little torp. How's that for saving face? USA, USA. We make fun of you and you leave a five-star review. Yeah. Oh, do you remember the name of the guy

who wrote the theme song at the beginning? Pete Bradford, a.k.a. Bro Legit. That's a pretty cool screen name, whatever that is. Bro Legit, yeah. Bro Legit to quit. The last theme song, the outro theme song that we're going to play, is from a guy named Mele, M-E-L-L-E. Weird name, right?

Well, it turns out it's not because he's from the Netherlands, and our names are weird. No, Jake is weird and Mele is normal. You xenophobic ass. Oh, Mele, what a weird name. No, it's not weird. He's just from a different part of the planet from you. God forbid. I think

I'm going to leave. I'm sorry. I'm mad about something else. It's the threesome comment more than anything else. And if you guys have any questions of your own or theme song submissions of your own, please send them to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Thank you, guys. Good game, everyone.

Good game. Great episode. There we go. Later. If you don't have insurance And you need to get something off your chest Das war's. into you if I were you hashtag dope there it is another

solid Thursday bonus episode courtesy of our friends at Hulu plus thank you guys thank you Hulu plus and if you guys can check out Hulu plus dot com slash Amir it would help us out and ensure that we keep making these extra bonus special fun time episodes thanks guys