Segments - 22: Who Knows Amir Better (w/Avital Ash!)

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

In this episode Avital and Jake play a rousing game of who knows Amir better. Then Avital reads a poem and discusses her one woman show, "Avital Ash Workshops Her Suicide Note" (tickets now available at AvitalAsh.com!)Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Eat him host Eat him Finish him

I was trying to do the dab for you Yeah Alright This is our second third guest But it's a little hard to navigate Fortunately we're with Avital who's right next to me It's better than us because of it

Yeah Avital Blumenfeld right next to me. It's better on us because of it. Yeah. Avital Blumenfeld? Correct me if I'm wrong. No, you're wrong. You guys got married. You're Ash. It's Amir Ash. Yes, a small rash.

For this Ash. That's right. He refused. He's not a feminist. Ash is objectively the better name, but I can't let go of Blumenfeld or my mom will be really, really upset with me. Yeah. Ash is objectively the better name but I can't let go of Blumenfeld or my mom will be really really upset with me Ash owns I might change my last name to Ash

Jake Ash you Jack Ash Jake Ash I love that for her for who? for Gemma Gemma Ash Vogel Hurwitz the third and felled oh my god jemma ash is pretty good too yeah definitely all right i'll take her uh we got

some fun segments planned but we wanted to have you on because you have live shows. Yes. And I was hoping to influence people greatly into coming to the show. Obviously, you rehearsed this pitch. Sell it. Let's go. Come, please. You have nine minutes. If you like what you see on this podcast, there's no more of where this came from in the show. All right, I'll do it.

It's a one-woman show called Avital Ash Workshops for Suicide Note. It got rave reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. That's right. Edinburgh. So don't just listen to us. Edinburgh.

Don't call it Edinburgh. Why did you do that? Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Real journalists liked it too. So it's not just our biased opinion.

Jake, you haven't seen it yet, but I assume you'll be at the New York show so we can say hi to everybody there. i will be at the new york show four stars from the telegraph and the chortle not the chortle just chortle yeah and the scotsman and five stars from distractify and four from entertainment now once i said the five and i go back down to the four it doesn't sound as good but four is a big deal four four is the max that they give or do they all out of five stars let's say they're all out of they're all out of three distract if i gave you four yeah that's amazing thank you uh so you have shows in la on april 30th new york on may something fifth a good thing for me to know um

and then london and then you're back to scotland those are the yeah london's back to edinburgh okay um that's right back where it all began i'll be in new york on may 4th okay at 5 p.m at union hall may the fourth be with you i know that venue well and i will be there good rooms but not huge not huge rooms. So act fast. Yeah. Act now. We're selling really fast in LA. Not as fast in New York, but get on it. The first segment

is about me. The first what is about you? Wait, you didn't tell anybody where they can get tickets, right? Oh, yeah. Do they know? Avitalash.com. Avitalash.com.

And in the show notes, obviously, right? Oh, yeah. We'll put it all up. That's the name of this episode. You should probably grab Avital Bl dot com. And in the show notes, obviously, right? Oh yeah, we'll put it all up. You should probably grab Avital Blumenfeld just in case. Or listener. And maybe you should grab Amir Ash.

That's true. I already have Amir Ash on my ass. I don't appreciate you disrespecting my last name like that. The first segment is about me. It's called Who Knowsir better great who has spent more time with me than you two in the last decade plus no one so now it's time to find out who knows me the most i came up with 20 questions get ready to lose loser well i was like i've loser. I've known him longer.

I know. But you've had sex with him. So I feel like... What? Really? That's the first question, actually. I've seen your dick. I can answer this. Yeah, I tried to make this egalitarian.

Questions that are a mix of new, old, fun, real, factual, opinionated. So hopefully we get no advantages for either one of you. That was my goal. Okay. Yeah. We'll start with an easy one, and this is how I'm going to score it. Jake, you get a question, and Avital gets a question. And we'll bounce back and forth.

And if she misses, do I get to steal? Do I get to answer her question for some kind of bonus? Good question. Think of that. Not a bonus, but you get to take her point. And I get to answer my own question. Yeah, all right. Can I buzz in?

If I really know the answer, can I buzz in over Avital? You don't have to know. You don't have to know. You can't cut her off. You can't cut her off. You can't cut her off. Her questions are hers and hers alone. Well, unless he steals. So mine, but not mine alone.

Yes. Unless you get it wrong. Yes. What are we playing for? What's the grand prize? A kiss. Get ready to lose, loser. A kiss from Jill.

I'm going to owe you, poser. I don't know how to trash talk but i'm trying i think the winner is just gonna be have for the rest of their lives the bragging rights to knowing me better it's more like you were talking about is it um the famous football player tom brady that team that like winning doesn't necessarily feel good but losing feels feels really bad. Like I think either, whoever loses will carry such intense shame for the rest of their lives. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Winning is expected for each of us.

Yes, exactly. The default. All right. And as always, feel free to play at home. Yeah. Yeah. Send your answers to amirash at gmail.com. First question.

We'll start with a layup, an easy one, a softball. Jake, what year was I born? What year was I born? I genuinely don't know. 1983 is what i'm pretty sure is the correct answer that is correct all right one point for jake he's currently in the lead well that's not fair did you know that one yet did you know that one but but i did start to doubt myself yeah because of math yeah i knew it was 82 obvious but a little bit math based yeah yeah that was what gave me the fear because i was like i was like trying to confirm it with math and i was like just go with your gut or what's

you got this i had the same process procedure process the stakes couldn't be higher we're excited i'm terrified avital drinking the water like marco rubio that was gin she's on a beta block don't tell him avital yeah what was the name of my childhood dog steal i obviously know, but it's nerves getting to me. Chico. That's correct. Chico. I got so scared and all I could think was Fluffy because Chico was Fluffy, but Chico was not named Fluffy. So you never met Chico.

He was a small little snowflake, fluffy white dog. Jake, you did meet Chico. That's right. You met him in his old age. He was very protective. Chico took to me yeah chico chico and i had a bond wow he didn't bite me i was one of the few men he didn't attack my childhood friends all feared chico because he would sort of bite their uh feet and shoes and draw blood

sometimes did you think he was a little asshole or he was too nice to you he was sweet to me and he had an underbite with like a little tooth that stuck out so i like that and to jake he was a sweet boy too on september 12th 2001 jake i decided the show must go on and i saw one of my favorite bands in concert what band was that this is the day after 9-11 day after i think we've talked about this recently so i'm gonna guess weezer that is correct wow i didn't know that but that was absolutely my guess yeah so i didn't know whether not a lot of bands out there that amir would call his favorite yeah uh it It's sort of either that or Ben Folds. But I did see Weezer the day after 9-11. They said the show must go on, and I attended as well.

The show went on. We needed it that day specifically. For morale. Otherwise, the terrorists... The true Americans. As you can see, the questions are starting to get a little crazy. Wow. Here we go.ital yeah what sleepaway

camp did i attend growing up you didn't sleep away you went home correct trick question all my friends went to camp alanine but i did not i was too afraid to sleep away from my parents house yes you were a wuss wow jake would you that might have got me i knew alanim and i was prepared to guess alanim but say but caveat it by saying that you didn't go there for very long yeah that's correct but i knew yeah okay way to survive that question that was dangerous eat my guts eat my guts whatever eat my herlitz eat my butthole eat my asshole okay very original jake i have two two true or false questions so there's no rebuttal if you get it wrong the other person doesn't get a chance because you just got it wrong but each one of you gets a true false right now okay what do you guys think

of the segment so far? That's not the true false. I like it. Yeah, it's good, right? Jake? Yeah. Yeah, I love it. True or false? True or false? I have not purchased a single article of clothing since the pandemic began four years ago.

I have not purchased one article of clothing since the pandemic began four years ago. Man, it definitely seems true when I see your outfits. They're definitely repeating. You're wearing a lot of clothes that I know for a fact you got for free. I'm curious if you, I mean, obviously you're not counting shoes, because shoes are an article of clothing. Not counting shoes. I bought shoes, yeah.

Yeah. I feel like you would have had to have gotten a t-shirt here or there, but I know your mom buys a lot of clothes for you. I'll go ahead and I'll just, I i'll just i'll guess i'll guess true you can not say yet and then there is still an option oh yeah you could pass i should say well no no well i don't want to pass i can't pass i'm not i'm not gonna pash to ash because

you're gonna get the true or false true loser wrong i have you came to our wedding he had to buy a suit i bought a suit i also bought that pink uh pullover that i wear a lot now which is sort of new plus an article of clothing and underwear socks for sure i haven't bought a lot but i have bought some clothes jake is a loser oh my god so you're stuck let's see how you do with your true false ash what i was saying is you can't steal but i was like you could i could say my guess yeah before you gave the answer was what i was trying to oh i see so just to prove that you knew it well like and for the point no not just to prove that i knew it but i would guess whatever you guessed because you're you you would know that one better than me you live at the house you see the packages arrive

yeah but you've seen you've seen the pink hoodie. The pink pullover. You got to get over this one. But also you did know about a wedding. Yeah, the suit was also a good loophole. I didn't even think about that. I feel like your mom bought you that. I feel like your mom bought that for you.

Yeah, that doesn't count. I think your dad did buy it. Yeah, my dad paid for it for sure. True or false? This is for Avital. I memorized pi to the 50th digit in middle school for a talent show. Wow. True or false?

I don't know the answer to this, but I'm also going to go with true. I'm going to say false because you did it for no reason. Wow, we both failed the true or false amazing uh this is based on a thing that i did believe that in third grade i memorized every president in order for a talent show but i never did it with pi both of those things seemed true but were actually false i got you both wow good stuff unreal yeah i also tweeted recently i have big memorized pi to the 50th decimal point energy yeah i believe that about it does some it does feel like something i would do it's like i hardly even know you okay you guys are stuck at two each you can still get this thing annulled because you

haven't had sex with him you said yeah yeah that's true that's the rule it's so biblical i think if you haven't consummated i show them the sheets with no blood on it and i'm like this doesn't count are you guys done fucking flirting in front of me hey jake oh come on you love it you fucking cunt you get off to this shit all right jake let's go pg what is my favorite sorry that's how you flirt what is my favorite dessert i know this one come on i should have had jake's questions well i didn't want to give you the layup so i wanted to make it a little bit out of both of yours comfort zone yeah i mean it feels like it has to be a chocolate it's a chocolate

chip cookie incorrect that's your favorite dessert it's yes avital oh wait she could steal actually i can hell yeah it's a rice crispy treat that's correct rice crispy treats i was so prepared to be two points in the lead that i forgot that i failed the true or false i was like oh no i'm not i also lost that one i guess i should have known that but you really do like cookies your your background on twitter was cookies for a long time excuse me uh-oh all right all right here's one you're so hard let's not get cocky we're only four questions deep there's 900 to go what product did i use in my hair in ninth grade when i had a middle part a middle part in ninth grade not this specific brand i'm talking about what product did i put my hair to stay make it stay that way gel gel is incorrect incorrect jake you could steal this

wait you're not even talking about the specific brand not the specific brand but it wasn't gel it wasn't uh i guess i'll uh bedhead moose moose is correct. Was it bedhead? It was moose, but I forgot the brand. No, I don't think it was bedhead, but it was specifically a foamy ass moose that had Moose. I know because I use the same thing. Yeah. We're back to even.

This is rigged. This whole election is rigged. I had a middle part as well. Wow. This is fun. This is fun. This is fun. Okay. Jake, now that it's tied 3-3, what is my TikTok handle?

Okay, Bloomer. Final answer. That was an easy one. Come on. That's correct. That was. I mean, you went viral. Don Lemon said your name, brother.

Come on. You cheated with that one. You're trying to make Jake win. You're trying to take my crown away. Avital. That's me. How many uncles do I have? How many uncles do I have?

Jake's thinking two. And if we're talking straight up parents, brother, we're not getting cutesy with like, oh, my best friend's dad who raised me or some shit. We're talking about straight capital U avuncular uncles. I want to say two, but I'm afraid it's three because Because there's definitely your dad's brother, who I know and we see. And then there's your mom's brother, who's a sort of patriarch. But then are there others? I don't think. I think it's other brothers, kids and their offshoots.

Fuck. He gets OK Bloomer and I get how many uncles? This is fucking rigged. I guess I'll say two. Two is incorrect. And I will say three. Three is correct. My mom has two brothers.

I thought so, but I wasn't sure. You forgot about Segui. Didn't you forget about Segui? I was thinking about Segui, but Segui's not. He's too young. He's someone's kid. That's correct. Segui is a cousin. My cousin

married Sagi. Oh wow. Interesting. Well. Fuck. Eat my asshole. So Jake got it right because you sort of narrowed it down to two choices for him. Yeah. Menasha's uncle. And I thought Sagi was your uncle. Yeah. Sagi's not my uncle.

Okay Jake. Can't forget about Menasha. Can never forget. Fuck. Okay Jake.. Can't forget about Menasha. Can never forget. Fuck. Okay, Jake. Fuck. It's not over. It is five to three, though, so you're going to have to steal some points from him.

Okay, Bloomer. Jake. This is unreal. How many marathons have I run? Ooh. How many marathons? The New York City, the Richmond. You did one in Canada.

And I think you did one in Detroit. I'm going to say four. That is correct. Wow. Could you do that, Amitabh? Could you do that? No, I was going to. I don't think so.

I would have gotten that wrong. You were incorrect. Didn't do one in Detroit. It was Philadelphia. Nice. But four is the correct answer. Yeah, good for you. All right. And I was right. and i was right three out of four right yeah okay things are heating up i'm gonna kill myself we're going we'll go workshop that suicide note but nice

let's take a break right here come back with more more questions more questions and answers after these messages i'm so disappointed in me. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new.

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Thanks, DraftKings. All right, we're back. Okay, Avital, we're back to true or false. Okay. Do you still want to play? True or false? I feel like I ran away with this. Oh, I should say. Okay, Avital, we're back to true-false. Okay. Do you still want to play? True or false? I feel like I ran away with this. Oh, I should say-

Is there a mercy rule? Jake has five, you have three, but we're not halfway there yet. Okay. So there's still plenty of time. Out of how many, how far are we? 10 questions each. Okay, what are we at? Eight.

Math again. Correct. Yeah. True or false? I never had my wisdom teeth removed. I never had my wisdom teeth removed i never had my wisdom teeth removed i know you had braces oh we've talked about i get to steal this one do you know the answer you can't because it's a true or false so no stealing oh yeah that's right

good use of the rule false is incorrect i've never had my wisdom teeth removed i never had wisdom teeth they never came in no that's right i would have gotten that one you have less teeth than normal oh i really meant it as you didn't have them out oh wait that is correct i never had my wisdom teeth removed. You said true. Okay, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I swear to God, I meant

you did not have your wisdom teeth out. Tio, Tio, what's going on? I never had my wisdom teeth removed. This is like a VAR review. It's true. I don't think so. It's true.

This question is null. I will say, the way that I answered, I should lose, but I did know it and I was, I promise you, trying to say you did not have you said true because I do remember you

saying I'm not smart enough to even have wisdom teeth so that was why I was like wait you didn't know you did you said true and he said I've never I never had my wisdom teeth yeah so it is true I think I said false I said true yeah it was

true I didn't say false I thought I said false but meant false you didn't have them removed I think you said true yeah it was i didn't say false i thought i said false but meant false you didn't have them removed i think you said true it was like a double negative they'll know the listeners but i meant if i if i lose then this will come back but i think i'm gonna win pretty comfortably anyway no i'm gonna win no lose loser okay but i swear i did My intentions were true. Were pure. Yes. You didn't have them out. Even if the game is rigged, my intentions are pure. Look, you got okay bloomer. That was a fucking

that was a rigged election. Come on. Yeah. I also was able to uncle steal. That was pretty cool. You got an uncle steal. True or false? I tried to wear contacts in college but my eyes rejected them. I'm going to say that is false.

You just didn't like the way contacts felt. Correct. I never wore contacts, actually. Okay. So whatever your rationale. Yeah. False is correct. So Jake has rationale. Yeah, false is correct. So Jake has six.

Avital has four. Okay, okay. I'm going to come back. You're going to come back. And you'll be sorry. Choke on my dust, Avital. Suck my dick, Jacob. What is my favorite movie? Fuck you, dude.

I'm not going to repeat that. I'm going to kill you. White Man Can't Jump. That's correct. White Man Can't Jump. That's correct. White Man Can't Jump is my favorite movie. That one's easy. That one's easy. That's an okay bloomer.

Okay, then you'll like this follow-up question. What is my second favorite movie? Fuck that shit. I don't... I get second favorite movie? It's A Few Good Men. That's correct. That's what I would have said too.

Six. Even though there's like two or three that could be. Well, that brings us to my next question. What is my other second favorite movie? But it's my point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't get to steal that. The wheels are falling off.

It's too late. And I could give you, I think, I could give two more that are in there. Okay. Do you want to hear them? Sure. Are they not for points just to hear? I think either way you have six and Jake has seven, but he has a question coming up. Okay.

But will this give it? This, no, you've already got it. This does nothing. Are the movie titles the answers to questions that are coming up? No. I'll say also probably Life is Beautiful. Yeah. And Good Will Hunting.

Yeah. I do like those movies a lot. Good ones. For you listeners that want to know Amir I do like those movies a lot. Good ones. For you listeners that want to know Amir's third and fourth. Fourth and fifth favorite movie. Yeah. It's getting deep. All right, Jake.

Have I ever been on a cruise? I know this one. Have I ever been on a cruise? Man. cruise man it seems like something your parents would do but i at the same time i can't really picture you on a boat you'd get seasick i'll say no the answer is yes I have been on a cruise. The stakes couldn't be higher. Jake stays at seven. Friend versus wife. We're tied now.

No, we're not. When I was 16, my parents went on an Alaskan cruise and took me and my brother. Are we tied? That's exactly the kind of cruise I could have seen them going on. Damn it. You have six and Jake has seven, but he could have leaped to eight. Okay. Okay.

So you really need this I do this is the tie Jake for now all right I'll be tall okay growing up I took two musical instruments lessons two different kinds of instruments the guitar and this piano correct nice but it wasn't from your mom right uh it wasn't from my mom though my mom did play right your mom plays piano but i remember you had lessons just not from her that's correct yes tied fun family fact my mom took piano lessons from my dad's mom that's right i did know that that's nice that was in the recesses of my brain yeah before they knew each other yeah like when she was i guess that's the kind of thing that comes out during pillow talk because I never learned that information.

Well, here's another thing that would come out during pillow talk. I didn't get to fuck Blumenfeld with your suit. Me neither. All right. You guys are tied and there's three questions left. Relax, Luke. Don't get too excited. Three each.

No, three total. There's a tiebreaker. Okay. Jake. I don't like it. What did I get on my SATs? What did I get on my SATs? 800 math, 640 verbal.

That's correct. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yes. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yes. I knew this. I remembered because you and I got the same verbal score.

I barely remember what SATs are. So I was. I don't remember what I got on my SATs. Yeah. All right. One last. That was a really good poll. All right.

Avital, this is to Ty Jake. Name the one university that rejected me from college. I applied to many schools, got into all but one. Can you name the school that told me? No, no, no. Stanford. That's correct. Wow.

We're tied. Oh, great. Tied. And I made a lightning round. And I didn't even go to college I don't know shit about school wait how are we tied I'm not

don't I get one final question right now or did I went first you went first but I appreciate your anger luckily I thought of this it's eight eight a piece

I have a lightning round to determine the winner okay you guys are gonna alternate go back and forth until one of you can't name anybody the question is and avital you're gonna start i'm gonna count so you guys can't take too long

name childhood friends of mine until somebody runs out over jesse rami if we are wrong if it's someone that doesn't count as childhood do you say wrong and we get to try again yeah sure okay i said chris uh um i'm picturing so many people my brain is still working sean sean prolin counts yeah yeah uh jackie were you friends with jackie yeah okay uh i'll say people that you dated are also friends and so alexis yes we're trying to stay high school or earlier but yeah she was a high school friend cohen that counts cohen did come up with me andrew what's his name what is his name can i just say andrew what's his name that's his name what's his last name um five four that's not how it works there was no timer button okay i can shift gears while i try

to remember his name uh oh heller josh heller is correct i said heller no you didn't didn't i say heller you said you said over and cohen jackie i said over oh yeah yeah he said jackie and cohen said rami yeah yeah rami came up heller's new what is andrew's name oh no i go through the letters of the alphabet have it ready there's this fucking guy i know this fucking guy chris silver was a good pull yeah that was a good yeah oh mike moss that's really good. That's correct. I didn't even know you were friends with him. I thought that was Sean's friend.

Yeah, I knew him through Sean. Wow, deep pull. Wow, okay. Hold on. If you guys both get one more, I'll call it a draw because this is really impressive. Does Nicole count? My cousin, no.

You're friends with her. Oh, yeah, then I'll fucking say Yair. Come on. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so, toots. I just need to remember his... I mean, first name should count. I know who you're thinking of.

Andrew, who's friends with Ofer and all them. Oh, I wasn't, actually. Oh. But that's a good one. But you weren't friends with him. No. That's not who I mean. I mean, he really liked the music at the wedding.

And we set him up on a date with Jesse because your mom said that he needed to be set up with someone and it's me I can see him um it's like if I got the family name I would have it I need to go through the letters of the alphabet can you guys like entertain yourselves and we got it we got to go you're gonna run out of time there's a chance Jake doesn't know one and we'll call it a split no he just said one if you can't think of one and Jake can't think of one I'll call it a tie but Jake you have a chance to steal right now let's say that

god damn it it's that kid that was your best friend growing up we're both thinking the same damn guy fuck Michael Resnick Michael fucking Resnick that's correct

Jake wins no that's bullshit it was Michael Resnick of course I just needed to get to R I was going through the letters of the alphabet yeah you needed to get to R but you also had the first name wrong pal

so I think I know your husband a bit better I would have had Michael I would have had Jake Nordwind I don't think so It's way too late I'm on Jake's ass here But I knew Michael Resnick I just needed to find his new name

No, you thought his name was Andrew For a second For more I think he thought it was Andrew, to be fair. For a second. For more. Yeah, I think he thought it was Andrew until he said Michael Redford. That's your husband's childhood best friend that he no longer talks to, really. You should know that. You guys got a lot deeper in the bag than I thought. Wow.

Oh, I'm going to... I'll have sex with you if I win. Okay. Technically, Andrew was a friend of mine, so I'm going to give her a bonus points for that. We're going to have sex for the first time. You're going to consummate. Wow, that was really exciting. Great job, both of you guys.

Jake, the SAT poll, I think, was enough to earn you the W. Michael Resnick at the buzzer was really good, too. But we both were thinking of the same person, it must be said. We both had him. You got the name faster. I thought of him, yeah.

But if you factor in how much weed I smoke, I feel like I did win that. That's cool. You have to give me more time. Again, to bring it back to SATs, it's like if you have ADHD, you can get more time. Yeah, untimed. Which I do have ADHD, so I just deserve. Well, I have dad brain, and I still pulled that. Okay, I'll allow it. I have dad grass, actually, which is a combination of the grass brain and the weed.

Congratulations, Jake. Thank you. What a game. That was exciting. Eat my fucking apple. I think we can all say the questions were great. They were. Except for the loom.

Yeah, good job. But I had an easy one, too. Yeah, we should play this with Jill. Yeah, good job. But I had an easy one too. Yeah, we should play this with Jill. Yeah, you should. Wow. Next segment. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Icons. All right, we're back. Wow, that was intense. Oh, yeah.

We cut out, but Avital and Jake yelled at each other for half an hour right now. And I won the fight. I won that. We won something. But let's play a new game that we've played before, but never with Avital. It's everybody's favorite. It's poetry or noetry. We need a theme song just for this. We do.

This is what the show is all about for me. So, so far, I've gotten Jake once. Jake's gotten me once. Out of how many? Three, I believe. Three attempts each. Avital's more of a poet than me. Sort of lands in the you sphere of things, Jake.

Yeah. So this is Avital's attempt at a real poem. Of course, as you guys know, Avital's going to read three poems. One of them she wrote. Two of them are real poems. We're going to try to sniff it out. I'm nervous because I think I like the way Avital writes. I remember her vows at your wedding were very beautiful.

And I actually cried during your vows and not his. Wow. Thank you. So I was trying my best not to crack up during your vows. You know what? Thinking about it, my SAT score was 1450. Oh. You guys go off and fuck.

I got to cash it in now. Okay. You guys go off and fuck. I gotta cash it in now. Okay, so Poetry or Knowitry, Avital edition. This is our first guest submission, so it's an exciting one. Do you know the answer, or are you and I trying to decide together? I don't. I don't know the answer. Which is annoying, because I wanted to be able to run it by him, like, will this pass? But I didn't.

I can't. All right. Let's hear it. Okay. Two of them are Leonard Cohen. Which is your favorite poet slash songwriter yeah just my favorite everything i'm nervous you should be i can really sniff these out well not the shakespeare one but yeah the other ones yeah the other ones shakespeare was kind of a cheat. Ends Well Yet by Leonard Cohen. Immortalized.

Are we ready? Yeah. I can't look over my shoulder, even though there's not a giveaway, but it just feels like cheating. Okay. The first one's called Nothing. At once a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel to fracture the charade, splinter the sham. All it took was nothing, so vast and endless, it would gorge itself on light. That's the first one. Really moved you.

I hope you didn't write it. Second, The Hypnotist. That's a good one. I heard of a man who says words so beautifully that if he only speaks their name, women give themselves to him. If I am dumb beside your body while silence blossoms like tumors on our lips, it is because I hear a man climb stairs and clear his throat outside our door. I don't think you wrote that. There's no way. That's incredible.

That's absolutely incredible. That's jaw dropping. Yeah. Avital just sort of farted that out on's jaw-dropping. Yeah. Avital just sort of farted that out on the toilet the other day. Yeah. If you wrote that one, I think you have to quit whatever you have planned for the rest of your life and be a poet.

Which is what he would say to Leonard, too. So don't think that he's just trying to compliment you. Dude, hey, Mr. Cohen, I really think you got it. Don't quit your day job whatever okay or finally the only poem this is the only poem i can read i am the only one can write it i didn't kill myself when things went wrong i didn't turn to drugs or teaching i tried to sleep but when i couldn't sleep i learned to write i learned to write what might be read on It's also pretty good.

Jake, what do you think? Are you leaning one way or another? We think the second one is probably Leonard. The second one, I think we have to eliminate that. And I just feel like I'm barely hanging on. Just even hearing it read to me over Zoom, I almost cried. So I feel like that one just... Do you know Leonard? No, I don't.

Interesting. Only through... I feel like Avital has told me some stuff about him. Or showed me songs of his. That's cool. That makes me feel good. But yeah, let's eliminate that. Okay.

Can you tell us, was Poem 2 written by Leonard Cohen? That is a Leonard Cohen. Okay, yeah. I'm glad that it moved you so much. I'm, I guess in a way disappointed because. Well, we haven't figured yours out yet. But I'm just saying I should have chose something less good, but I'm pleased to. Did it move you?

It didn't move me, but it definitely felt like a real, real poem in a way that I don't think all four of us couldn't have written. It took, it was a professional job that took time. And you also saw me write it and my i mean you didn't see the poem but in like 10 minutes yeah okay do you want to hear the first and third again yeah okay first one was nothing is that what it's called okay at once a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel to fracture the charade splinter the sham all it took was nothing so vast and endless it would gorge itself on light nothing of consequence or the hypnotist nope we did that

one sorry the only poem this is the only poem i can read i am the only one can write it i didn't kill myself when things went wrong i didn't turn to drugs or teaching i tried to sleep but when i couldn't sleep i learned to write i learned to write what might be read on nights like this by one like me. I read them a little faster this time. I probably should have just started. And that actually helped a lot. Because I feel like the two things that would come to you if you're like, I need to write a poem for this podcast are nothing. I can't think of anything.

So you kind of just write the poem about anything. Or the other one is about writing a poem so there are and i think actually in this segment i've written a poem that was about writing a poem and you and you sniffed it out because it was on your brain it was hard to turn that part off do you remember like the the milkman delivers the milk and i write the poem, the bakers get up at dawn, I write the poem, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, it was pretty, I thought it was a great poem. I thought that was really something.

It was really something special. It was a four. It was a four out of ten for me. What are you thinking? I think the first one would be Avital and the last one not, but I'm only like 51-49. Yeah, the reason I think the last one is

Cohen is because of the line I'm the only one can write it. Is that the line? I'm the only one can write it? It's very unique. But why it could be Avital is that it invokes suicide, which is a sly attempt at promoting the

shows oh my god avitalash.com yeah for tickets yeah i think i'm with you though i'm gonna go nothing is avital and why do you think 49 51 what's your reasoning uh i think the first one is yours um because it didn't include the killingself line, which might have been too on the nose because that's sort of the dark comedy of your one person show. So I thought you wouldn't also put it in your poem. So we'll say number one was written by Avital. Number three, Leonard Cohen. It's true. We sniffed it out.'s hard everybody but you were wrong

about one thing i mean i don't know if it's worth explaining now but it wasn't about nothing um like i can't think of anything it's like the oppressive nothingness of like nothing matters oh yeah which is what i was trying granted i wrote it very quickly but the nothing, I thought, is fun because it's like nothing matters, nothing is of consequence, but also nothing is actually of consequence. Let's hear it again. Nothing is the most important thing. Let's hear it again, knowing it's yours. Usually we make fun of it, but this one is good, so we won't actually. At once, a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel to fracture the charade, splinter the sham. All it took was nothing so vast and endless it would gorge itself on light nothing of consequence consequence yeah i got like a

hiccup it would gorge itself on light is great really eloquent nice phrase it was definitely i enjoyed the poem we weren't sure there wasn't one bad one and two great ones there was one that we were definitely sure was a Leonard. Yeah, that's great. There was one all-time. Noticeably great. That's an all-time poem. I love that. You love that.

That transcends even Cohen. That makes me so happy. It's incredible. Yeah. So I didn't know that he wrote poems. He did. He started off as a poet and then moved into songwriting. Wow.

I need to read all of his poems, apparently. That really makes me so happy. In a way, I win because all of the poems were the leonard poems were really good and i love leonard so by the transitive property my good taste reflects well upon me which means i'm a winner and in another way in another way you you lost actually all of the segments on the show you don't know your game sure. And you don't know how to write poetry. I mean, you were off on the SAT score. Jackie doesn't count.

I gave you Michael Resnick, psychically. You gave me Michael Resnick by saying Andrew something. Andrew something gave me Michael Resnick. It was an Andy-oop. It was an Andy-oop, which is like an alley-oop, but more Andrew-based. And isn't his name really Michael Andrew Resnick? So I gave you the middle name. It was an Andy-oop. Which is like an alley-oop, but more Andrew-based. And isn't his name really Michael Andrew Resnick? So I gave you the middle name.

Yeah. Chap? Yeah, it's his mom's maiden name. Shit. That was the ultimate question for the who knows me better than I even know myself. But we didn't get there. I'm devastated. I think it's good.

We're never going to get laid. It's nice that you didn't come on here and just dominate. The audience wouldn't like that. They would think, oh, he handed it to her. He guessed incorrectly. Never going to get laid. It's nice that you didn't come on here and just dominate. The audience wouldn't like that. They would think, oh, he handed it to her. He guessed incorrectly. It's nice that we're not handing out participation trophies on this podcast. And I made a Cohen fan. So that's pretty exciting.

Yeah. Do you want to hear? An Amir Cohen fan. What was that? An Amir Cohen fan. No. Fuck that guy. He wrote the second poem.

Did we say Leonard? I'm so sorry. Yeah. Amir Cohen wrote it. Amazing. I wanted to do this one poem. I we say Leonard? I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm here. Cohen wrote it. Amazing. I wanted to do this one poem. I'm going to pull it up. But I had read it to Amir to potentially use. So once I realized you were guessing too, I was like, I can't use it. Is this the sexy one? Not quite sexy. Kind of. It's called The Beautiful Poem. And it's, go to bed in los angeles thinking about you

pissing a few moments ago i look down at my penis affectionately knowing it has been inside you twice today makes me feel beautiful would you have guessed avital i wonder it's that's really gorgeous by richard brown about your dick specifically i definitely need to read this guy. That's exactly the way I think sometimes. That's a Richard Brodigan. That's right.

Okay, Avital. Once again, that show, April 30th in LA, May 4th in New York. Who wants to come see the fucking show of a loser? Nobody. It's not that you lost. It's how you lost. You have to be a gracious loser. With grace. With dignity. Eat my cock, you

motherfucking piece of shit. I mean, that's just class. It's proper class, mate. Real classy. Who do you have to fuck to win a game around here? Okay. And thank you for coming on the show.

Thanks. Jake and I will be back next week. If you write another poem that you think you can give it your all, we can have you back on for another guest episode of Poetry and Noitry. I do want a chance to redeem myself. As for the who knows me better, these are the 20 most interesting facts about myself. I can't possibly write another 20.

I have one more beautiful thing to share. Sorry, I know we tried to wrap up. Okay. But we'll end on this. Let's hear it. It's just a fucking promo for the fucking show. This is crazy. Exceptionally funny.

Strikes a deft balance between the blackest humor and pathos. A thoughtful, even wry storyteller. Highly impactful. A calling card for Ash's glowing talent says the scotsman that should have been the third poem you read oh wow i guess that is just a glowing review actually now that's also by leonard cohen i wish oh my god if leonard were alive to come to my show and like it he passed away unfortunately yeah i was destroyed he he died the day before but it came out when trump won that same day.

So it was like one of the worst days of my life. Jesus. Human history. Yeah. Probably not a coincidence, right? No, probably not. Trump killed Leonard Cohen. You heard it here third.

But think of that beautiful last poem by the Scotsman when you book your tickets. At avitalash.com. Thank you. Jake, you did a great job. You deserved it. Michael Resnick, folks. That's awesome. We should have Resnick on here.

He'll play against Jake. Who knows me better? That would be fun. Questions only from 1989. And we'll be back next week for more of us. You can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. And if not, we'll be back here in a week from today. See you, everybody.

Bye. Thanks for having me. A lot. Thanks a lot. That was a Hiddem Original.