Segments - 220: Peeing Outside

Episode Date: June 13, 2016

In this episode we discuss teaching lessons, religious loopholes, and our trip to New Zealand. This episode is brought to you by Casper: http://bit.ly/ifiwerecasper BlueApron: http://cook.ba/1C7dsXK and Headspace: http://bit.ly/1YJfZmT See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, you'd be me too. I'd love to be one of your coy Jews. Checking my pants to see if there's poo. Dude, wash them.

It's J.Crew! Rap was crap, beat was fine. If I were you, then you would be mine. So insecure about writing this song. If you know the next lyrics, then sing along. Math. Ha. Math was crap. If you wanna know why, then steal a hen. Learning shit is for nerds and jocks. Don't

believe me? Ask my uncle. Green, blue, brown, and red. Go to school and you'll regret. I got 99 problems and a bitch. 8-1. Yes, dude. Oh, man, that really brings me back. That was Jordan Boatman, I want to say. Oh, Boatman. You're a boating man. Him and his buddy Kier, K-I-R, I believe. Kier, Sebastian, Sebastian Kier. I don't know.

Jordan Boatman and Sebastian Kier made that song for us. Hope you have as much fun listening to this as me and my buddy did making it, they say. Oh, that's nice that they had fun. That rap, if you weren't familiar, is from a Jake and Amir video. That's why it sounded so bad. Right. I remember being so embarrassed to

say that rhyme in the office. Yeah, but I kind of remember that too. Math? Ha! Math was crap. If you know why, then steal a hand. I remember it being sort of hard, but also really fun to write such a bad.

Yeah. My proudest is, if you want to know why, ask my uncle. It's such an ugly, ugly sounding word. I hated yelling it in the in the office yeah at a certain point like i think i remember the uh the facebook video we did where you're yelling about mark zuckerberg stealing your identity and stuff oh zark fuckerberg yeah we get like freaking dinkenberg yeah you get really really high and nasally and angry and paranoid and people just like just shaking their heads you know yeah you

could really tell when people were like fed up with us it's funny the fifth take of that because we were laughing too hard it's sad because or the ironic thing is i should say that uh my character was supposed to annoy you and in so doing i became that character to like we both became that character to everyone to everyone else in the office. So everyone else was the Jake character. And me and you were the Amir. Because we wrote and we're laughing and giggling. And we always thought we were so funny, just like Amir.

How annoying. Like, let's see how loud and annoying we can make your character be. But I was actually screaming in the real office where people were trying to work yeah it was a good time i can't believe times were simpler yeah everyone there is gone now everyone's dead that's crazy yeah what an insane thing that happened a meteor struck the iac building yeah it was even meatier than that what is the it's j crew from what's that oh it's j crew i'm like stop shitting your like change your pants they're j crew i tell you to throw the pants away you say they're from j crew which is funny because they make reasonably priced pants you could it's not like they were

so expensive yeah fifty nine dollars i think i was saying like uh why would i throw them away they're well-made pants even though we had to we had to destroy a pair by i think squeezing a chocolate milkshake through a hole in it another funny thing about those the shit stained khakis joke that kept on re-coming up and i kept on saying like why won't you throw those away it was partly because you actually didn't throw them away. Yeah, they were just props. They were just the props that you left under your desk. I actually did shit them.

Art imitating, fart imitating life. Very nice. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. I'm Fife, and I'm Wrinkle. What? Wrinkle and Fife. It's the new bar down the street.

It's a very hip, trendy. It's not an oyster bar. It's a mollusk bar. I like that. Yeah, Wrinkle and Fife. You can get mollusks and pommes frites. And walnuts that are so raw and organic you can't even eat them. And a Belgian wheat ale.

A Belgian wheat egg uh what is this show it's an advice podcast people will email us uh they're sticky situations they're in difficult places in their lives seeking our guidance our wisdom that makes sense we're smart uh they want to know what we would do in that situation. And why do people listen to it? Great question. Jake's really fucking funny, I guess. Oh, all right. No, it's obvious that there's only one fucking reason. We both are comedians. Yeah, we're both comedians. Only one of us gets head. Sorry.

Jesus. But you know you're getting blown on the rag. On the rag. What is it? Blown on the rag. Every girl that blows me is on her period. What a weird thing to want. This is our first episode back from... In Zed. New Zealand.

Yeah, dude. We went to a magical fantasy land. We went to an adventure island. To Middle Earth. Two islands, actually. The North and the South. New Zealand is a country we only sort of tangentially knew about. You know, roses from there.

We have some ideas about what New Zealand would be. I'm a big fan of Lord of the Rings, so it was very nice for me to be there. Yeah, but to actually be there was kind of crazy. It was like an entire nation filled with really happy, really adventurous locals and tourists. Yeah, the expats in New Zealand are pretty interesting. Yeah, in Queenstown, it was like everybody we spoke to had an accent, but not a New Zealand accent. It was like Australian or English. I think I met more people from Ireland and England and Australia in New Zealand.

Right, or South Africa. Yeah, I mean, anybody with cool accents just goes to New Zealand. I almost feel like it's the rest of the world's Hawaii. Oh, yeah. Where people just sort of like go for, or yeah, they go for like some kind of adventurous escape in a beautiful remote place, and then they just decide to never leave. But you know, the elitist American in me, whenever I spoke to someone, I couldn't quite tell right away if they were like british or irish or scottish or south african or australian

oh yeah me either i asked every single person with a silly accent uh where in new zealand they were why don't you talk normal where are you from what weirdo place are you from yeah i think maybe i started saying like where you from originally but people always were like Dublin. But to them, they knew the difference. So why is it like all different because they're all the same different and to us? Or if you're from Ireland and you listen to an American and a British person, that also sounds the same because it's not an Irish accent. Does that make sense? Yeah, I don't know if I'm being racist at all.

Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you get it? Yeah. Do you understand the question I'm being racist at all. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you get it? Yeah. Do you understand the question though? Can I actually, can you let me start? But do you get what I'm saying,

right? Yeah. In terms of color, are we blue and everyone else is an orange, a different shade of orange and I'm like, I can't tell the orange is a part?

Why are you so hell bent on deciding if I know what you mean before you'll even let me respond? I just don't want you to respond in vain. I don't want you to respond in a way that makes me feel like i wasn't heard what a waste of effort that would be uh it seems like there's different deviations of it right like we american accents deviate really far from british ones but maybe irish ones don't deviate so far from them yeah then maybe that's a small-minded of thinking, which is totally possible because I do have

a small mind. As an American. Or is it like an American and a Canadian accent? Those are like so similar, you can't really tell them apart. There you go. That's true. That's basically true. You need to hear them speak for a lot longer.

I remember asking somebody, are you from England? And she's like, I'm obviously from Australia. Can't you tell if I have an accent? And I was like, well, what about my accent? And she's like, you were born in Israel. You tell if I have an accent and I was like well what about my accent and she's like you were born in Israel you moved to Encina when you were two it's insane I'm like how did you possibly and I realized she was a huge fan

huge fan yeah she had my Wikipedia page remember when we were drunk trying to get into a bar and the guy asked for our passports and we only had our driver's license yeah and I was so drunk that I pulled up your Wikipedia page. Yeah. And I said, look, this says that he's 30.

By the way, you have to be 18 or over. So you had to think we were 17 or under, which is already absurd. And I'm like, look, his Wikipedia page says 30. You can't edit that. He's like, actually, you can. That's the point of Wikipedia. Anybody can edit it. Good point, sir.

I will go home. Yeah. I still was drunk enough to do that. But beside that, New Zealand was insane. I'm not talking about nightlife. I'm talking about the death-defying stuff we did. Oh, man. Like the fucking epic beauty of New Zealand.

Yeah. Gorgeous. I thought we'd spend most of our times in cities but we were actually all over the place no i yeah it's almost it's kind of it seemed to me like iceland met australia or something right it seemed very remote and isolated like sometimes we would get out of our car and just stand on the side of a road for 10 minutes and nothing would happen and but then it's also like uh geographically and geologically kind of insane. Right. Stuff that you would never see, like lakes that were so blue that didn't really make sense. They look like they were Photoshopped.

And then this is the last thing that I will say about it. Well, no, it's not. But anyway, when we went to Australia, we flew around the world, but we planned it for months. Right. We flew around the world, but we planned it for months. For New Zealand, we got our ticket basically 48 hours before we left. We weren't 100% sure that we were even going. Right. It was a very last minute, spontaneous trip. Yeah.

And all of a sudden, we were just popping an Ambien on a plane and waking up. On the other side of what seemed like the galaxy. Yeah. And shout out to air new zealand for bringing us yeah gracias what a what a comfortable ride it was indeed indeed especially with that sky couch which is three seats turned into a couch on an airplane yeah look it up but uh and then yeah once we were there, we were like the skywalk. Yeah, where you walk around the outside of the tallest tower in the southern hemisphere.

I think it was like 650 feet up. I really did not think I was going to be afraid of that. And then that was the scariest thing that we did to me. Was it scarier than the swing? Yes. This whole trip was leading up to, on the last day, we would either do a swing, which is the world's largest swing, which is a 200 foot free fall followed by a 300 meter swing, or the Nevis bungee, Nevis bungee, which is the second largest bungee in the world, which is, I think, what was it? Like a 500 feet free fall to your seeming death and then you get yanked back up by

the rope right so the swing seemed at least easier because you don't have to physically jump plus we were attached to each other so it's like at least i'm going through it with you right and then so i got in my mind oh the swing is easy it's no big deal we get on the bus to go to the swing and i'm like i'm sitting by myself just staring out and they like it gets more and more remote we start going more and more off-road we start climbing higher and higher yeah and i like had this nervous energy and then i like i tried to i'm like all right let me like overpower what i'm feeling why am i scared what is the fear and i became like i tried to reach this like level of zen where I was like I'm gonna like no one gets killed doing this specific swing so I'm gonna survive so it really

doesn't matter if I'm on the bus honest on it like on the ground flying in an airplane or falling on a swing or jumping on a bungee it's all just different states of what my body is and if I survive then it doesn't matter if i'm falling or rising or sleeping it's all the same me so i'm like i'm cool i'm calm this is fine i can do the swing i can do the bungee i'm just gonna jump and i'm gonna survive and it'll be fine there's nothing to be nervous about then we got there and i'm like i don't want to do the fucking bungee for sure i looked at videos of people jumping they basically you stand on the side of a gondola, like a cable car, like a ski lift,

facing straight down a thousand feet over, like a rocky crevasse. And then you leap. I'm like, all right, I can't do that. I'm too scared. And we decided to do the swing. We walk out there. And it's not like America where you have to sign so many waivers

and they give you a brief and do this, do that. We get there. All's not like america we have to sign so many waivers and like they give you a brief and this do this do that right we get there all right put on these harnesses all right they start raising i was like wait is this hat everybody doing he's like oh yeah yeah you're you're doing it right now we were testing it out or something right and it's just like all of a sudden we were dangling over the crevasse yeah and this guy uh god i think his name was james uh he's holding a clicker and that clicker decides whether we fought when we fall right uh so he's he's sort of tormenting us as we dangle over the edge yeah because he wants to fuck us up like when do you guys want to drop and then he looks at me he's like you're a prankster right i'm just like just this is the most nervous i'll be and then you

go just drop us now three two one and he didn't do it right and he's like just this is the most nervous i'll be and then you go just drop us now three two one and he didn't do it right and he's like now and then he fucking pressed it see i thought that he did he was like when do you want me to drop you and i and i was like let's like and i said like let's count down three two one and like i wasn't saying like three two one like that was like count it was a suggestion to count it down i was like let's do three two one and in my head as soon as he heard one he pressed the button you can see the video on my instagram and on our facebook page oh god nervously smiling for a minute and a half while we dangle over the edge yeah i see like that's i was like happy nervous that one felt like a roller coaster right when i was on top of the Sky Tower, I was miserable.

You wanted the ride to end. Yeah. Because the swing happens instantly and it's over in 10 seconds. And this entire time, you're just walking on a two and a half foot long sidewalk thing around a sheer drop. And one of the challenges that they make you do is stand on the edge and look down. Right. And the other, I mean, every time i was standing still my knees were trembling so i really felt like off balance like i was and a gust of wind could just pick me up and

hurl me off and i knew i wasn't gonna fall but i just didn't want to fucking die deal with it a little bit and the entire you like do a lap around the whole thing but it lasts 15 minutes. So we would walk, and I would feel good when we were walking. If we could have just got out and walked around, I would have been fine, because my adrenaline would have been pumping. Right. But it basically, like, it let me settle and just be fucking horrified. And you never reach the relief, because you just walk around, and it's the same level of scared. Yeah. Either way, we want to go back to New Zealand in their summer.

Maybe when we go back to Australia in our winter, their summer, we can parlay it into a longer New Zealand trip. Yeah, because we've met a lot of cool people in Auckland and Christchurch and Queenstown, and we want to go back and do a show. Oh, that would be really fun. Hell yeah. Actually, our first question is from somebody from Australia. Oh, there you go. So if we can have an Australian lady's name, I can read this email. Australian lady's name.

Nicole Kidman. She's Australian. Yeah. Nicole Kidman writes, I'm a young lady from Australia seeking advice in regards to a situation I am in, or just to listen to in an answerless discussion from a couple of unbiased individuals. We could do that. Yep.

So a couple weeks ago, I slept with a mate. A few days later, I and a few other friends crashed at his house after a party or something, and he slept with one of my other mates. And the next day, I found out they had slept together a few times. That's all good. I'm not annoyed. And neither of them would be bothered that we've slept with a guy. However, about a week later, I was out partying and the guy was there being pretty flirty.

So I was going to stay at his again to probably do the sex. We stayed out a bit longer and my friend and my friend he slept with the previous week showed up. And then all of a sudden, a few others went back to his house. He was still flirting with me and would do so every often, take me aside and ask me to stay in his bed that night. I would have liked to, but I said nah, because the other girl was there and I didn't want to make a weird situation out of both of us being there. Later in the night, the girl was saying she was going to crash in the guy's bed, but I guess the guy had said, nah, she is, pointing to me. So the girl there was like, oh yeah, we can all sleep together. Nothing cheeky. We can just cuddle.

Either way, knowing we'd both slept with the same guy made me adamantly decline because that would be super awkward. I was clearly not chill with the idea of all of us in the same bed and the guy assured me that it was all good and he just wanted me in the bed. With my ego full from attention, I ended up in his bed. We didn't get straight into any action, which is good because a few minutes later, our friend jumps in the bed with us. I didn't do anything about it except roll my eyes super hard and silently resent the dude a little. But when I realized he was trying to cop a feel from both of us, I was like, nah, I'm outie 5000. And I made up an excuse to leave and went to sleep in the other room. Shortly after, the dude comes back to apologize for quote, being a dick and said he'd quit the

funny business and goes on a little rant about how he doesn't even want the other girl there and she should leave. Like, I get not wanting to actually ask someone to leave, but obviously I didn't buy it because he didn't really have to be fondling her boobies if he didn't want her to be there. Anyway, we stayed outside for a bit to chat and he was being nice and funny and seemed genuine about not being a dick with us all in bed anymore. So we went back to his room and what do you know, he gets straight back into the funny business. But I had to get up for work soon, so I wasn't there for long. Side note, I ended up staying at their house longer because I hated my job and ended quitting. Anyway, we all laughed about it in the morning with some friendly mockery of each other.

Oh, and I slept with him in the morning too. It just ended up happening. Then I found out that I slept with him right after he had slept with our other friend, like, literally 20 minutes after. And I found out because he had said, How did the other girl's vagina taste after we did it? Great. Like, on one hand, I'm like, who cares? It's sex.

Have fun. Life is meaningless. But on the other hand, I can't help but cringe thinking about him boning people I know so soon before and after. It's like some weird friendship sex roster that rotates until he comes. And that doesn't sound very feminist. I guess I'm asking if I should have sex with him again or nah. Like, I think I want to have sex with him again, but am I just going to feel super uncomfortable about it and not enjoy it? I don't know, man. Life is hard.

Love the show. Cheers, Nicole Kidman. Wow. Okay, a lot to digest there. You got the gist? I got more than the gist. A drunken guy is trying to have a threese. Yeah.

And then the best he can get is some sort of staggered threesome where he has sex with two ladies but 30 minutes apart. Right. I guess, first of all, the first girl, it sounds like she was down to have the threesome. Oh, yeah. Because she comes into the bed and is getting fondled and not moving. She's down. He's down.

This email writer, not down. What I don't understand is this guy, is he the hottest, coolest dude in the world because his behavior to me is uh it makes i mean clearly the answer is nah he's he seems deplorable but she keeps giving him a second chance yeah he's well i mean he's had like in this story alone i think he had 48 chances and also fucked everybody yeah multiple times then he also bragged about it to the girl that he fucked. And now he wants... How does her vagina taste is like, nah, forever. Yeah.

And now she's like, I might as well keep doing it. And what I... Part of me is like, hey, if you're... If she's feeling this casual about sex, then more power to you. Like, as long as you really don't care. But she does say that she can't help but cringe, and she does, it sounds like she's a little upset,

and she has enough of a sense of self-worth to get out of the bed in the first place when he's being shady. So I don't know why she goes back the second time and then sleeps with him in the morning and is now considering sleeping with him again. Well, there's two types of walking away. There's walking away having your mind decided,

and then there's walking away hoping the other person will chase and beg you to come back. And then when they do, you're like, all right, fine. It's like when you break up with someone, is it for real or is it you're just saying that because you want them to fight for you? It sounds like this girl is still attracted to the guy, so much so that he can disrespect her a good amount of times and she's still down to cuddle. You know what? I've decided I'm, this is my, uh, the end theory is, uh, this guy is not worth it. I think sometimes people think

that there's not that many people in the world and they're like, oh, this guy is really cute and I like having sex with him and sure he tried to force himself into a threesome twice, made me feel very uncomfortable, had sex with somebody else and then immediately fucked me and then teased me about it.

But he's still super charming and he's still like makes me feel good and the ant like the truth is there's guys that are charming and make you feel good and aren't deplorable pieces of shit yeah so find that guy or at the at the very least find someone who's a little bit less of a horrendous person. Right. I'm going to go on record and say that this guy is fully horrendous. Yeah. I think that philosophy is especially true if you're a lady. Ladies seem to have more options to sex than guys do.

So if you're a lady and this guy is willing to give it up i bet you can find a lot of guys that are nicer than this guy who's willing to have sex with you yeah and start telling all of your friends uh the shitty gross things that he did and maybe that will make him uh ostracized and uh teased out of your community of friends and he'll have to change his ways. Oh yeah, if anything, think of it as doing him a favor because then when you tell him, oh, I'm not going to sleep with you again because you did something really bad, maybe he'll actually learn his lesson.

But if you sleep with him, then he'll be like, oh great, time to keep acting like an asshole to other people. Doesn't really phase me in any way. I'm still hooking up with babes. So that's the positive reinforcement I need to keep people. It doesn't really phase me in any way. I'm still hooking up with babes. So that's the positive reinforcement I need to keep going. You want to break that cycle of behavior. So you're helping yourself, but you're also helping him.

You are an Oprah of yourself. Who, me? No, her. I've never been called an Oprah. That's kind of cool. It's kind of like a billionaire, wise little talk show hero of sorts. I guess I am an Oprah. I wasn't talking to you. You get a compliment.

You get a compliment. I'm not talking about you. What's that? You're not Oprah. Who am I? A mere schmuel blooming fuck. Ricky fucking Lake. Who the hell are you?

All right, let's, we're about the halfway point. Let's take a break now. Thank a few more sponsors. Then we'll be right back with more If I Was Ye. We're changing the name of the show, folks. If I Was Ye. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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and now I'm just a fan of the league in general, but I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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And we're back. How's your back? That's actually, I injured it. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I've got a couple maladies these days. For example? My back hurts. In addition to that?

I have a finger injury. And furthermore? I actually have a sliver in my right hand that I can't get out. Additionally? My heel. Your heel still hurts. My heel hurts, yeah. And lastly?

That's it. My heart. Arrhythmia and a lingering cough. Oh, I guess, yeah, I have a little bit of that, like, the phlegm thing. You have strep nose, which was not even nasal scoliosis. Yeah. thing you have strep nose yeah which was not even nasal scoliosis yeah i and the heart thing is really more of uh i feel dejected and sad about my failing body and also i do have a heart murmur it's always murmuring yeah oh it's literally murmuring my heart yeah it murmurs to me it's amazing yeah it used to whisper words of encouragement.

And now, discouragement. My heart often discourages me. I wanted to talk about a new HeadGum podcast. Super excited about bringing on... It's not out yet. Or at least the second season isn't out yet. Yeah. The show is called My Dad Wrote a Porno.

And I know some of you know about this show already, but some of you don't. It was a huge hit in the UK and in America as well. Hundreds of thousands of listeners, actually. Yeah, I believe over a million listeners. We're very proud to have this show on our network. This is a... It's a big one. It's a marquee show, frankly. It's a marquee. It's a tentpole. It is a flagpole. We're the opening act act is what i'm trying to say jake and amir open for my dad wrote a porno uh and the podcast is about uh this this these i'll say this uh jamie uh who lives in uh england uh discovered that his dad wrote a dirty

book right and thankfully he asked upon his friends, James and Alice, Alice is part of BBC Radio over there. They read through the entire first series, season as they say, was them reading the book chapter by chapter, stopping, pausing to make fun of it because it's absurd. It's insane. And the way they make fun of it is very, very funny. So the first season is available right now.

It already came out last winter. And it was such a hit that they're bringing it back for a second season. And that second season is going to be on HeadGum. Hell yes. So you could actually listen to their last episode that they just posted, which is a best of, just to get you hooked. But you really ought to go back and listen to the whole thing. Listen to the first season, and that'll get you ready for season two.

We're telling you about Breaking Bad in season two, right? Right, and you can listen to it and catch up. There's still time. Don't let it leave you in the dust. And we are going to be playing a three to five, let's say, minute highlight of that best of book one at the end of this episode. So if you don't want to subscribe and go there, all you have to do is continue listening

to the end of this episode, and we're going to give you a sample, a taste of My Dad Wrote a Porno. We assume you'll like what you hear. We assume you'll want to hear more. Please do check them out. Please do listen to them. We think it's really great,

and we're excited for season two, which comes out on the 4th of July. Ironically enough, Independence Day. The day we stole ourselves from them is the day they released their second season. What a slap in the face that is. They own us now. They steal that day back.

That's our day. These redcoats. For them. So once again, very excited for Jamie, James, and Alice to be joining My Dad Wrote a Porn. We should have them's our day. These red coats. For them. So once again, very excited for Jamie, James, and Alice to be joining My Dad Wrote a Porn. We should have them on our podcast. Maybe when we go to London, we can finally get to meet them in person. That's what's

up, folks. We coming to London. It's not often that we become fans of a show that we eventually incorporate onto HeadGum. So do support the network and check them out. We think you'll really like it too. So that's going to happen at the end of this episode.

We should say that we do also have many shows coming up, one of which is in Los Angeles, one of which might already be sold out in Los Angeles. It's a 21 and over show at a bar. And it's small. Yeah, there's only 100 seats. That's an intimate shit right there. That is really intimate. It's going to be an intimate show. It's small. Yeah, there's only 100 seats. That's an intimate shit right there. That is really intimate. It's going to be an intimate show.

It's at Resident. We're going to put the URL on ifirewshow.com. Hopefully, there are still tickets available to that. Hopefully, by the time this episode comes out, Monday, June 12th, there will be tickets available finally for our shows in London. Or sorry, Dublin. Dublin yeah london is available we're part of the dublin comedy festival on july 27 28 39th or maybe 28 29 30th 28 29 30 unless 30 what's the last day of whatever fuck it well it'll it'll be online yeah it'll be online fuck it we'll do it online uh and then we're going to be doing one show in london one

show in the in all of england which is going to be uh in london on tuesday august 2nd over halfway towards a sellout there not a lot of tickets left uh so snag them while you can that one's going to be the opposite of our la show it's going to be a big freaking party it's going to be a big deal it's actually a really big deal it's our our It's our not our homecoming because we're not from there, but what's it called when you go back to a place? Our triumphant return. Yeah, our triumphant return. So Los Angeles, Dublin, and London.

We'll read live shows. Tickets available still at ifireshow.com. You want to answer some more Q's? Yes, I'm ready. Me too's. Uh, this time, baby,

it'll be bully crew. I quit the podcast. Bully crew, right? Uh, I'll be starting my sophomore year at college where my girlfriend and I attend. We love each other and we'll do anything for each other. I have one problem, though.

I don't know how to please her. She has done everything to please me, even the really kinky fetish stuff. Face sitting, smothering, asphyxiation, etc. We're very open to what we like, and that's why I don't. Is that all one thing? Sad how my face smothered me and asphyxiated me. Yeah, it seems like it's all part of the same family. what we like, and that's why I don't know how to please her because she doesn't even know. I feel bad because I know what I like, but she doesn't know what gets her off. We have no friends who have experience with this because we go to a Christian school and

everyone here is a prude. Even though my girlfriend and I are saving ourselves from Bully Prue. Bully Prue. on each other instead of just me huge fan thanks for answering bully pru bully pru oh my god where were you uh so in the eyes of the lord god yeah god our our our lord and savior that's right um you can't fuck the almighty he doesn't want two people fucking before marriage however she can sit on his face that's fine heaven is good yep still into the pearly gates any kinky wacky crazy shit welcome to kingdom come baby i don't think that that's how religion works isn't it like if you're really religious, don't they say, like, you're not even supposed to, like, do shit to each other's asses? It's all about, like, just fucking to procreate?

I think at one point in Deuteronomy or something, they say that face-sitting and smothering is okay. Really? But you can't do anal or pussy stuff, is what the quote is from the Bible. Yes. I believe it is John. Yeah.

Who said, and he begat Matthew, and he begat Josiah, who sat on Ruth's face, who smothered Ruth's butthole, but did not do, quote, pussy stuff to her, for he was allowed into the heavenly gates after he had passed. Now, in the Old Testament, I think that there is Abraham. Isaac. Isaac. Yeah.

And Jacob, my namesake. That's right. Jacob had a brother named Esau. Right. Yeah. And this is where it came, because I think Esau's wife sat on Jacob's face. Right. I remember that.

But it wasn't, he didn't covet his neighbor's wife because they didn't actually fuck. Right. It was just. Sat on his face. It was just like face sitting. That is true. That is what Esau's wife did. What was Cain and Abel?

There's a lot of Jacobs in the world. Not a lot of Esau's. Sounds like Esau got the short end of the stick name-wise. Yeah. When you have a Jacob... And also, well, story-wise too. Esau got the shit end of the deal, I think. Yeah.

There was something about blindness, something about stews. Yeah, it was like the father... Dressed up. Yeah, because Esau was the big, strong one, and he was going to bless Esau before he died, but the father was blind or something. So the mother covered Jacob's arms in bear skin. Wow, Esau, you're so strong and wise. That's right, it's me, Esau.

And then the dad sat on his face. He was about to sit on his face and God said, no, don't. You've already proven that you're going to sacrifice your one and only true child to me by sitting on his face. And then I think God sat on Abraham's side. There was a lot of face sitting in the Old Testament. That's what Numbers was about. It goes Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy. Numbers refers to the amount of times that God sat on Esau's face. And if you think about it, it's all monotheism.

So I don't know if you've read the Quran at all. I have, yeah. I have read the Quran. That's right, yeah. Okay, well, the Prophet Muhammad. Yeah, let's stop right there with this. I just think that there is no God and you can fuck your girlfriend.

I'm sorry. That's one way to think of it. Let's just, if we're already experimenting to the point of you guys choking each other, your parents would honestly rather you fuck than die of asphyxiation. Mother, worry not, for I only choked her and sat on her face you god man like did you try going down on her i i hate to ask like the easy questions but did you try fingering her and going down on her or is that also like massaging her clit or something or is that also against the god thing or was it all just her sitting on your face choking you

yeah maybe when she's sitting on your face you can yes like squeeze your nose in there so it's almost like you're fucking her a little bit tried or dry hump you could dry hump oh yeah just just rubbing genitals over pants yeah as long as like is masturbation cool mutual masturbation is definitely a thing is it still dry humping if you ejaculate? I think it is because like the moisture the wet humping isn't like oh people coming. It's like the bodily

fluids actually exchanging. So underwear, humping, ejaculating but within the underwear is dry humping. I would call it dry humping even if there is if like I was naked and I was like grinding against somebody. And then you ejaculate? Yeah, because if we're not like, there's not actual penetration.

I would think naked is not, it's a... What do you call that then, sex? Moist humping. Yeah, there's dry humping and moist. Good luck with that, bro. Yeah, good luck with messaging your Tinder dates, hey, you want a moist hump? Well, that's my bio, I don't humping and moist. Good luck with that, bro. Yeah, good luck with messaging your Tinder dates. Hey, you want a moist hump? Well, that's my bio.

I don't have to message them. All right. That's actually pretty chill. Yeah. How do you spell moist? Because I don't want French people to read it as moi. Where were we? Oh, right.

Vilifying religion. Back at it again with the nihilism. Yeah, we don't know what they're doing. I feel weird telling you to go against your faith, but at the same time, it seems like you're finding loopholes in the Bible. Maybe there's one that allows you to fuck with a condom on. Yeah, come on. I didn't touch her touch i was touching this rubber for he was only i can i can fuck a tire

can't i i know like when i was growing up there was like religious kids that that like at least said they were fucking in the ass because it's like oh you can't uh have like it's not sex i'm still a virgin because i only had anal right like huh i don't think religion's working on you then you're not actually very pious are you yeah whatever gets you to think you're still gonna go to heaven is fine i feel like like the whole point it seems is like to get you to be a good person yeah but like as long as you're pretty good like what are you really gonna go to hell with like the murderers and the rapists and you're like, and the killers are all like, oh, what did you do? And you're like, oh, I actually had premarital sex with my girlfriend.

Punches him in the face. Welcome to hell. This is hell for me most of all. All right, fine. I also shoplifted. That's why I'm here. Christ. all right fine i also shoplifted that's why i'm here christ uh if god's real and i don't think he is but if or or she by the by thank you uh hashtag i'm with god if god's real and i met god

and he or she was like you're actually you didn't really believe in me so you're gonna go to hell i would feel like you know what fuck you bro because i didn't do or bra uh because i did not do that oh bra is how you say to a female i don't know i guess am i going to help with this just tell me if i deserve hell or not yeah all right on we go let's answer one last question because we only answered one before the break. Dude from Toronto writes. T. T. Drake writes, me and my girlfriend of two years are huge fans of your videos. The situation is that my girlfriend and I were hanging out watching Game of Thrones when we realized it was really late.

Unfortunately, she lives a good 15 minutes away so our two uh so at 2 a.m with work in the morning we were in a little bit of a hurry to get out the door from her house during this time i needed to use the washroom badly locking the door and walking away from the house i knew that this wouldn't be possible to make it uh there and back without using the washroom so i told her to go to the car and i ran out to the side of the house to pee really quick. This is where the problem began. Now this will sound like the most insignificant of things because after two years, we're basically an old married couple and we're super open about everything and don't hold back our issues. She ran out to see why I went to the side of the house. I yelled that I needed to pee and she then began to freak out, swearing and ranting about how people don't pee outside.

We're not animals. This fight turned into an argument that spanned to 40 minutes of yelling until she finally got out of my car to go inside. Now, the first thing people will say is that maybe she thinks it's unsanitary to pee without washing your hands, but completely not the issue here. I had hand sanitizer. She is simply disgusted at the fact that I did it outside and swears she knows not one single person who has ever peed outside for if she finds out,

they would quote, not be friends with them anymore. Meanwhile, her close guy friends, yes, more than one, months earlier thought it would be fun to pee in her sink, yet she found no issue with this sick joke. Was I wrong to have peed outside? How is this more disgusting Or to pee. Thanks, guys.

Keep up the good work. I think it's kind of lame that this dude just has hand sanitizer on him. Yeah. That's my biggest problem with it. What, he has Purell in his wallet? Or maybe in his car. If it's in his car, actually, that's fine. Yeah, that's really actually a cool move.

That's actually pretty good. Yeah, like in the glove compartment to have like a little. I was going to say the center console. Yeah, the center console. Like the center, yeah, the center console. Yeah, were you going to try to come up with a different name for it? Yeah, the center glove compartment to have like i was gonna say the center console yeah the center console like the mid the center yeah the center console right yeah we're gonna try to come up with a different name for it yeah the center glove compartment um where do you keep your gloves when you're driving do you keep it in the glove compartment no because sometimes when i really want my gloves i i don't want to like you know reach too far over so my gloves are just in a small glove box under

my seat oh so you have a glove box and then you have a glove compartment as well well i have extra gloves in there so you have two pairs of gloves four gloves no well the back my back seat is just filled with gloves well it's it's um it's like a rubber made you know like a big storage container but it's filled with gloves yeah gloves and other like mitten type deals yeah a lot of your how many racing gloves do you think you have two thousand two oh my god that's so awesome are you talking about individual pair like pairs or individual gloves there's four thousand loose gloves but they all have a they all have a mate right of course so you have you have two thousand pairs of gloves in your car at all times? Yeah. And your car, by the way, I saw it. It looks like the Hamburger Helper logo.

Right. Yeah, it's a giant glove mobile. That's right. My God, you love gloves. And you glove loves. Love, love, love, love, love. Let's go question by question. Sure.

Was I wrong to have peed outside? Yeah, it's disgusting. Is this more disgusting than what our friends did? No, they peed into a drain at least. Have you guys ever peed outside before? Absolutely not. That's disgusting. You're lying about every single one of these answers.

Does she have the right to be mad at me? Of course she does. You behave in a foul, vile way. This is insane. Every day when we leave the house, you stop outside on our way down to urinate outside. You leave the home. You're closer to a toilet indoors,

and you start peeing off the side of our stairs. I've seen you pee outside. Even when we're home, you walk outside to pee because you don't want to go up to your room. You'll treat the entire earth like your own toilet. And for you to say... That's a fair point. That's a fair point. Was I wrong to have peed outside? You said yes? Yeah. What do you think about when you do it? Constantly. I would say you pee outside more than you pee

inside. You fetishize it. I pee outside at least twice a day, on the way to work and on the way home. You prefer it to a toilet actually if we're watching tv i'll pee outside right you walk out oh yeah i don't pee inside i pee inside very infrequently so what is what's that about um you just don't care yeah and i think this guy should have a higher standard for himself so you're saying do as do as i animal do say not as i know i mean yeah of of course. I pee outside more than inside. That's correct. There's nothing disgusting about it at all.

It's a little weird to pee outside a lot. I wouldn't say it's bad, but it's definitely not bad what he did to do it once. But the fact that you pee outside, like you'll pee outside. I prefer it. Yeah, you're inside the house and you walk out to pee. I would say that's rare. That prefer it. I prefer it. Yeah, you're inside the house and you walk out to pee. Yeah. I would say that's rare.

That's abnormal. Right. But when I'm watching TV, the bathroom outside is closer than the one inside. I'll tell you why. I don't pee outside as much as you do.

There's a lot of splashback and when it diminishes, when you're done with it, it lands in between your shoes. I don't know where that pee is going. Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot more pee on your shoes. No, I pee off a ledge. Huh. I'm sure there's a lot more pee on your shoes.

No, I pee off a ledge. Huh? I pee off a ledge. Yeah, but then it trickles. When you're done, it trickles all the way down, and it goes inching closer and closer to you. No, I pee off the ledge and completely outside. I see you outside on the bricks peeing onto a bush.

Yeah. You don't think any of it is splashing? You don't think you're getting any particles of pee pee on you? I don't think I'm getting much more than people that go to a bush. Yeah. You don't think any of it is splashing? You don't think you're getting any particles of pee pee on you? I don't think I'm getting much more than people that go to a toilet. But you are getting a little bit more. I don't think I'm getting... No, I don't think I'm getting... I don't think I'm getting more.

Because I don't think that you pee 100% into the bowl when you go. Well, that's why I'm a 50% sitter. Yeah, well, I think I have a bigger problem with you sitting down to piss. I'm dunking it. I'm not risking a life. You're the only person that describes sitting to pee as a slam dunk.

That's absolutely a slam dunk. The coolest thing you can do. And I often do a reverse windmill tomahawk dunk. Yeah, you could like AC Slater to the toilet and that'd be kind of cool. Eat a sandwich on the septic tank. Is this more disgusting

than what her friends did? No, peeing in a sink I think is worse than peeing outside. Definitely. Because you don't have to like wash your dishes in the bush

that you peed in. Right, which by the way you do. Yeah, I wash the well I pee on the dishes. Have you guys ever peed outside before? Yeah, we both have.

Does she have the right to be mad at me? That's an even, that's a more holistic question. I don't think, I mean, everyone has a right to kind of do whatever they want, as long as it's not really hurting anyone. Yeah, she has a right to be mad, just as you have a right to pee outside. Right. Does she have like a really strong claim? A case?

In the court of public opinion, I imagine that most people listening to this show are going to side with this gentleman. Uh-huh. I think what you guys could do is ask, you know, a group of your friends what they think. That's right. 20, let's say 20 friends. Yeah. And if 15 of them should side with you then that's considered a vocal majority and you get to win and what is that victory she creates a turkey lasagna dinner for you and you

get to pee on it and if you should lose five out of 20 agree with you 15 of 20 agree with her then you have to eat cereal out of a toilet bowl because you lost okay and so it is written i feel like setting up these like kind of interesting stakes or that's gonna more like deviate the the opinion you know what i mean like some people will say they want to see him eat cereal out of a toilet bowl so they'll just say something that they don't necessarily yeah ideally you want to ask people that don't know about the stakes. This is like a silent bet you make with your loved one. Oh, I see. All right, cool.

That's our opinion. I don't know. You want it to hear from us? We don't think it's that weird. That's the answer. I think it's weird that she got that mad. A 40-minute argument for peeing outside? Yeah, I don't know where that...

That seems like it started somewhere. Like there was a basis for her to be that perturbed or freaked out by it. That's interesting. I wonder if she has any older brothers. It seems like she has a basis for her to be that uh perturbed or freaked out by it that's interesting i wonder if she has any older brothers it seems like she has a younger sister does she have a younger sister let us know uh all right that's it that's the episode thank you to anyone everybody who's listening thank you to anybody who's written in quick speaking of thank yous we honestly don't have time for this uh the opening theme song was written by jordan boatman this closing one jesus was written by m-o-u my boy my boy i'm gonna cut you off i'm gonna cut your camera it's about lonely and horny oh i'm listening our boy his name is yugi so you know he means business you i mean y-u-g-i uh yugi He translated all of Lonely and Horny to Portuguese.

Holy shit. So I wonder how, because I'm the only one that I am, gets translated to Portuguese. Me too. We can find out. So any Brazilian fans or Portuguese fans. There are 270 million people who speak Portuguese. Brazil, Portugal, Angola. Now all of those people can enjoy the series.

I don't know how we get the word to them because we don't speak Portuguese. But anybody out there that speaks Portuguese, tweet in Portuguese that Lonely and Horny is now, I think, by the way, I know that Yu-Gi's done it. I don't entirely know

that Vimeo's implemented it, but they're working on it now. All right, cool. Anyway, I want to thank Yu-Gi and give a shout out to his Instagram, which is

at Y-U-G-I, at his name, Yu-Gi. And I actually follow it and he's got- Wait, his Instagram is just Y-U-G-I?

He's got like 170 000 followers or something really his instagram is actually dope he's like uh he's a photographer i think he's from brazil jesus look at that yeah holy shit yugi an easy way to remember is how to spell his name you say why you g i don't know But you get rid of that last part. Right. So you get, why you, gee, I don't know. And then you've already spelled it right there. Everybody forgot it now. What's that?

Yeah, he's in Brazil. Damn, dude. 122,000 followers. Thanks, Yugs. And thanks, you guys. Thanks, Yugi. And thanks, you guys. It's just a little audio joke for you guys. Thanks, you gee, and thanks, you guys.

It's just a little audio joke for you guys. I liked it. The opening theme song, again, was written by Jordan Boatman and friend, and this closing one is written by Michael Moutsouris, but his moniker is Mouts, M-O-U-T-Z. Go to soundcloud.com slash Mouts. Mouts, baby.

We'll be back very soon, a week away. Again, stick around after the theme song for a taste, a little amuse-bouche. What's the name of the chocolate they give you with a receipt at really nice restaurants? A chocolate. Yeah. A truffle. Yeah. Yeah.

A chocolate. A truffle. Yeah. Yeah. A little truffle treat at the end of this episode, which is a taste, a sample of My Dad Wrote a Porno, our newest HeadGum podcast. New season coming July 4th.

And we'll be back next week. Later, guys if I were you I'd tell you what I would do I'd send an email to a coin If I were to Cause while they're circle jerking They're just telling you Exactly what it is that they would really do If I were you If I were you show

I'd tell you everything you needed to know If I were you Show.com If I were you Belinda blinked. It wasn't a dream. The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse. What a great dream that would be. The managing director across the desk, who had innocently brought her through from reception,

smiled and nodded at her. Slowly, with the hint of a tease, Belinda removed the two garments. Her black brassiere was doing overtime to contain her full breasts. Okay, right. Let's pause for thought. Let's stop there.

Why is she wearing an ill-fitting bra? I don't think that it's ill-fitting so much as her breasts are so ginormous that it's working's working hard to contain them it's working hard though it's not failing it's in overtime i've got this image i've just got this image of them kind of i don't know spilling out kind of muffin top situation bulging also love the use of brazier because bra not as sexy as brazier i mean to me so far nothing's been sexy but um what are you talking about she blinked right at the beginning her black brassiere was doing overtime to contain her full breasts she had worn this one for today as it was tight fitting

on purpose she never thought it would be exposed in such a simple way pause and so it's been exposed in a simple way the only way to expose something by taking away the thing that has concealed it until now i mean i think maybe he's getting at the fact that you know it wasn't an elaborate situation that got rid of the garment she was asked to do it she did it it was simple she's just sat there in a bra this is just bizarre the md got up and took her blouse and jacket he hung them onto one of two elegant wooden coat racks in the corner and sat back down what next belinda thought the interviewer resumed his questioning of her cv and after about five minutes asked her to remove her knee-length skirt belinda stood up removed the offending garment and passed it with some surprise to the MD

Surprise! She's removed everything else Why is she not questioning any of this? Why does she not... The offending garment? She's got a skirt on Underneath she was wearing a skimpy black thong and sexy black stockings which she didn't apologise for The number of times I've felt the need to apologise

and I just haven't about my skimpy underwear After all, she was an upmarket woman. I mean, we've established this. Every upmarket woman removes all of her clothes in a job interview. Belinda has class, that's what we're getting at. She does, she's a classy lady. She sat down again and crossed her long legs. She knew they looked good,

but she really felt she wanted to keep her private pussy area hidden. I'm sorry what? That's like three words for genitals. Her private pussy area. Also what's a public pussy area? And also what's an area? How much land does that cover? A private

pussy area. That could be from knee to hip. Belinda leaned back on the white leather seat and started to gently sweat erotic oh nothing sexier than a sweaty lady after a further 10 minutes of questioning the md got up and walked around to belinda he gently pulled her stockings down to her ankles he removed her bright red high heels and stuffed the stockings inside them oh my god they were placed under the coat rack by the interviewer. Belinda was now feeling exposed.

Because her socks have gone. She's now exposed. Now she's exposed. She's a classy lady. She doesn't like those calves to have a chill.

Belinda was now feeling exposed. With only a bra and thong left, she thought total nakedness was not far away. Or nakedness

as it's called. And then what? And then what? then what her skin they're gonna shave her head shave her private pussy area oh my god then it would be a public pussy area i'm starting to gently sweat now i don't know that was a head gum podcast