Segments - 221: Video Games (w/Sam Reich!)

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

Friend and lover Sam Reich finally joins us! We discuss height, humanity, and stinky buttholes. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox (http://bit.ly/1idZxFp) and MeUndies (http://bit.ly/ifiwereundies) See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I wish you would write in two if I were you. Jake and Amir will tell you here exactly what to do. And if you want bad advice from two cool Jews, it's if I were you.

It's if I were you The angry boy, a bit too insane Icing over a secret pain You know you don't belong Sorry, I didn't get that. You're the first to fight on the You're way too loud You're the first to fight on the way down. You're a flash of light on the burial shroud.

I know something's wrong. Everyone has to face down a demon. Maybe today we can put the past away. I would swallow my pride. I would turn on the rise of the flash of the road with me at the inside. I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out, find nothing but faith. Do you have the time to listen to me? Chicken to chain, not the Chinese chicken.

You have a drumstick. We're out of time. That was Jacob Legrand of the opening theme song, Sam Reich is in the House. Yes, dude. This is your first appearance on our podcast. Is that true? That is. And I can't believe we made it through 200 and some odd episodes

without having you on the show. It's insulting. Yeah. We asked you sometime around. Someone should be insulted, and I don't know if it's you or me. There was a point where you canceled on us, and we had Dan on the show instead. So that's insulting to Dan. Yeah.

Most of all, Dan should be insulted. Hey, what do you think about this pun? Sam Daniel, back at it again with the something or other. I'm going to give you a B minus. We were talking about you and Dan. Oh, yeah. Sam Reich. Guys, I'm really happy to be here.

Thank you for having me on the show. No doubt. I'm sure people who are familiar with us are familiar with you. You've been in countless Jake and Amir videos. Were you our boss for five years, six years, seven years, eight years? It was unclear. Our relationship. In the story of Jake and Amir, I was your secretary.

That's right. Parents died in a plane crash. Yep. Heartbreaking. Parents died in a plane crash. You also directed Fired, the eight-part girlfriend series. That's right, which was a total blast. Not to mention Miami, guys. Stay back even further than that.

We all went to Miami together. Can you believe that? We partied with the Bang Bros. Total blast. Not to mention Miami, guys. Stay back even further than that. We all went to Miami together. Can you believe that? We partied with the Bang Bros. That was one of our first work trips. It was, yeah. I think it's also the most maybe or top three times I've ever been hungover. Remember when we were driving in a van and I was so hungover I had to pull over? I also remember that I've never seen anyone more drunk than Jake on Shots of Patron at that casino.

You were so drunk. I passed out outside on a lawn near a Denny's. You were screaming drunk. I've never been that drunk before or since. You were literally walking by tables of people eating and stealing food off of tables. I remember that. Well, no, I don't remember that. I remember people telling me it happened.

Yeah, when you're that drunk, it's like turning up the knob in your brain that's like, just do what you want. And then like turning down the other knob that's like, maybe I shouldn't do stuff. So it's just like food cranked up, I'll eat it off of stranger's table. Right, it's like realizing you can color outside the line.

Your sober brain would go, that doesn't look good anymore. And your drunk brain goes, go for it. It's actually pretty liberating. It's colorful. When you're a little drunk, you usually still have

like a little social, like some charm and some grace, some tact to like get away with stuff. Like if I picked up someone's fry and I ate it

and then I smiled and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm so hungry. And they're like, oh, maybe they'll think it's funny. Yeah. Like if I picked up someone's fry and I ate it and then I smiled and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm so hungry. And they're like, oh, maybe they'll think it's funny. And if I stumble up, knock over someone's drink and grab their like soft pretzel from their hand. You know what the problem is? It's not only a rise in the animal part of your brain,

it's also a decline in your motor skills. So there should be a drug that makes you want to act like your primitive animal brain, but also lets you just drive and have normal conversations. That's cocaine. I was about to say that's Molly.

It's cocaine and Molly. I think those are really pretty much... I have never done the cocaine. Really? That's true. I guess I haven't either. I guess nothing either of I. i just heard that that's through sources so it let it lets you act drunk like my coke guy told me yeah i just want to be clear you know as we're on this podcast for all of your like impressionable young listeners you know anywhere between the ages of like 14 and 18 who are about to you know

make important decisions that are going to affect the rest of their life. You're saying that cocaine is a drug that makes you feel like the ultimate human being? Without any of the negative side effects of alcohol? Well, no. Cocaine is not an ideal drug, but it does make you feel sharp, and I don't think you lose motor skills.

Oh, you know what? I don't want to go down this road. Yeah, and what's the bad side of cocaine? You can die from it. Yeah, you can overdose. You can have too much and then want to go down this road. Yeah. And what's the bad side of cocaine? You can die from it. Yeah, you can overdose on it. You can have too much and then die. It's very illegal. Yeah, it's super illegal.

It's illegal, expensive. You can die. There's a social stigma attached to it for sure. You shouldn't do it because- It makes you shit yourself. Yeah, you become addicted to it. It takes more and more to get you to feel the feelings that you used to feel. Yeah.

And therefore, it's very expensive. One of the side effects is just that you want more of it even when you've had enough of it right so you sort of don't stop doing it if there is more actually truthfully the the friends of mine who who like were were like worst off were the ones that got really into cocaine there we go the friends who were doing real bad so let's say officially don't do cocaine. Yeah, don't do cocaine. What? You're winking.

I've never seen anyone winking so rapidly. Sorry, I'm just tweaking out. What about Molly? I think we shouldn't. You guys edit this, right? This is an advice podcast. People are seeking our guidance, our wisdom. And you now know exactly how responsible we are.

Yeah. You know how qualified I am to give people advice. It's usually just me and Jake in a room. Sometimes we have our friends. Finally, we have Sam Reich on the show. So thanks for coming on the show. Finally. It took us until we have our own office our own recording studio to come on

down you look so comfortable on that couch this couch is great yeah you're feeling comfy what's down my feet are up this office is really impressive you guys are doing clearly very well right since we're swimming in debt yeah but we did decorate the office we're doing worse actually yeah we are cash poor. We both live here. Yeah. There's no sign of like a bed or a toothbrush. Exactly.

Anything. We have bad hygiene and we can't sleep. So I'll scrape my teeth against the couch you're sleeping on. Got it. But it's super comfortable. And I'm like, this makes me like proud of you guys. I mean that in the least patronizing way possible. In the least positive way possible.

It might sound patronizing anyway. No, I'll take it. It's really impressive. Thanks, dude. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. You should be, like, introducing us on the road with that. Like Don Pardo, yes, dude. Jake and I'm here.

Yes, dude. So these are real emails from real people sam just so you know uh we're gonna give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity uh would you do us a favor and give this guy the 16 year old in high school a fake name yes his name is james spader what where'd you come up with that crazy top of my unique weird name the top of my big old block of a dome james spader writes hey dudes i'm a 16 year old in high school and i've listened to nearly every single episode of the podcast love the show now I see all this shit about some girls don't deal with guys under six foot. I'm 5'11". You think I can just pass off as six foot? Have you guys ever lied about your height or something trivial?

Do you think it's dumb stuff like height that really matters when talking to girls? Thanks for the help. Todah. Love, James Spader. Fantastic question. Hand-selected for me because it feels hand-selected for me. It was unintentional. I am 5'6".

My father is 4'10". 4'10"? That is true. Amazing. I come from a family of tiny, tiny people. So the fact that you're 5'6 is a minor miracle. It's not often somebody's 8 inches taller than their father. feet that's right yeah it's always the average my mother is an amazon your mother the exact average your mother is yowming in a wig just take off the wig what's the point we all see you under there mr ming uh but as my my father used to say

like if he uh limited himself to women shorter than him he would have had no options and i really resent this this culture that sort of decided that tall men are more attractive and really the only attractive option. Yeah, you see it all the time on Tinder. Like all those dating apps where it's like their bio is their minimum height requirement. Yeah, yeah. It's a little fudged. I mean, my father is five foot", and hideous, by the way. Yeah, just a total...

Well, we're not even talking about attractive levels. I'm just saying, you know, height-wise. Right. So just say he's 5'5". Don't like editorial. And he's bad, yeah. Well, all right. He's a horrible man.

Sure. 5'5". Again. It's horrible, his personality. Personality, face, skin, hair. It's all... That's just some part. What about like moral? What do you... Like a bad person. Oh, hair. It's all... That's just some part. Like a bad person.

Oh, yeah, he's wicked. He's a wicked little demon wrinkle pumpkin. You know, like a troll that has a drawbridge where it's like, oh, you have to answer three questions. Yeah. He won't even let people answer. He doesn't even have a bridge. He just won't allow people.

He's a troll in front of a wall, so nobody even has to deal with him so every square inch of this man is evil bad ugly yeah boils moles sure hair everywhere it shouldn't be and completely bald where you want he has all 10 plagues on his person wow yeah even the death of the firstborn? On the small of his back. He has death of the firstborn. Firstborn supremacy is dead to him. But he was still able to land my mother, who is a goddamn 25-cent piece. She's a quarter if not a dime. In all seriousness, your family is so fucking attractive. Wow, thank you. almost can't believe they come beautiful

my mother is she she is a the the the perfect woman the idea that you all started from your dad's balls is beyond me like how does my sisters are beautiful my brother is beautiful my mother is beautiful how does such a dead tree reap such sweet fruit? It looks like a walnut with little spider legs. That's my father. Honestly, this burning bush yielded such a juicy crop. It's almost as if God looked down at him and went, we can't make the rest of the family ugly.

It's too lopsided in terms of karma. The only thing that will balance out this man's black hole of an appearance is a bright, shimmering light of a rest of a family. Yes. That is, so that is to say, I don't think everybody cares a lot about height. Right. Only the, only necessarily somewhat shallow ladies care about. But there are plenty of superficial people that care about plenty of superficial things. Yeah. Height is just one of them.

Also, this guy's really tall. I'm 5'11". I'll tell you just from personal experience. I'm 5'11". I don't necessarily lie about my height. I will say that I'm six feet in platform shoes often to anybody who will ask me anything. Often. What's my order at a restaurant?

I'll be like, I'm six feet in shoes. They're like, all right, that's fine. And what's the soup of the day? Yeahil and i'm 5 11 actually i can't i can't keep living this lie 5 11 is not a bad height sir did you want to cash this check no i just thought that i'm 5 11 right i'm did you when you were growing up did you find that you didn't approach girls that were taller because you didn't feel like you had a shot when i was growing up i was short well all right good but i'm also talking to our guest sam okay of course you had a shot? When I was growing up, I was short. All right, good. But I'm also talking to our guest, Sam. Okay, of course.

Yeah, when I was growing up, I was. Actually, I was short. I just want to give everybody a chance to talk. When did you guys, because we're all, at a certain point, we're all short. And at a certain point, all the girls are average taller than we are. And I feel like that period of time is good practice for any shorter person oh like seventh through ninth grade yeah in terms of developing the courage the courage to approach women that are that are taller than you right uh i you know 511 clearly is like not a pro let's let's establish

like men are for the most part within a certain spectrum of height right what would we say that height is probably between five like for the most part for the most part between like 80 percent fly in this range five five to six five okay so if women are only interested in dating men six five or above they're automatically ruling out half over half the male population oh way over half yeah a lot yeah that's like a lot of people to decide a lot of people to decide aren't worth it right and at 5 11 like if you say oh i'll date a guy who's six feet but not five even if you are superficial right you're really gonna cut someone off over an inch you're gonna like fall in love with this man over tinder chat yeah you're gonna be cut someone off over an inch you're gonna like fall in love

with this man over tinder chat yeah you're gonna be like oh we have so much shoes and yeah exactly you go out of bed and you go to brush your teeth she's like wait a second chasing around the house with a measuring tape get away from me she measures me in my sleep we're all the same height lying down you have three kids and she finally measures you for the first time. You're less of a man. You fucking lied to me. What are you talking about? This is an ambush.

You're fucking 5'11". Have you ever lied about your height? When you said he was 5'6"? Yeah, I lied about my height when I said I was 5'6". You're 5'2", if not an inch. I'm 5'4". In all seriousness, as a 5'2 man. Man boy. I feel like I should have to.

As a three-foot man, I should have to. You are standing on the microphone. How tall is your wife? My wife is five and a half, if not my exact same height. Oh, that's pretty nice. You think if she was five foot seven, five foot eight, she'd be any less interested in you? You guys, like you've seen couples that are taller women with shorter men, right? They do exist.

Yeah. My parents. My dad is a five-foot-five. I know. My mom worked here. You already quite said. Right. You said.

Sure. And my mother is a five-foot-eight runway model. All right. That's all I'll say. I won't say any more. Great. Perfect. What were you saying, Sam?

He's made up of the things that a cat regurgitates. Yeah. He's furballs. Yeah. He's hair. My dad is incarnate. The embodiment of feline AIDS. Feline AIDS personified.

My mother is an angel. My mother is a hot shovel. My mother is an angel. Excuse me a hot shovel oh yeah my mother excuse me a hot what i was just saying something tall and sturdy like a shovel no she's not a shovel i know she's not a shovel yeah she's not a shovel she's a human being she's one of the best human fucking beings in the world did you did you just call her a shovel i said she was all my fucking mother a shovel how about i use a shovel to decapitate your fucking head dude i was fucking coming at my mother with that vial that vitriol that hate

you spent five minutes ridiculing your dad who by the way is a really nice attractive man in his own right we're talking about a guy's mother you don't call a man's mother a shovel no this is i'm being my mom my mom is a rake she's not a shovel uh you're saying well so here you know here's the theory though this i think the theory is there are really superficial women out there. And if anyone won't give you a chance because of your height, they're probably not the kind of person you want to be dating in the first place. It's not I don't even think it's that there's like this layer of superficiality which you have to like get through in order to to find someone's real self they are that person they aren't that person right the person what you

want to be with isn't going to judge you for being five you're saying like there won't be any pretense about like you know overcoming your like proving your winning personality yeah you're gonna lie about an inch of your height in order to try to win over women. Like, you don't want those women. Like a Trojan horse. Right. Get into a good relationship from the inside. Yeah, you're the Trojan horse.

You might as well be completely honest and then find someone that likes that. Yeah. Because to be honest, this guy's probably 5'9". Right, right. Yeah. Right, right. Which honestly makes people who are a legit 5'11", which I think is the tallest height you can be under six feet, like me,

it makes us lesser than because you're clumping us in with people who are 5'10", 5'9". Almost borderline 5'8", though I don't want to embellish. Amir, I'm sorry to say this, you're being a real shovel right now. Finally! Someone had the guts to say it. All right, so in conclusion be yourself be honest don't lie about your height it's just one inch i mean that's you know that's what i would say what would you guys say i would agree with that yeah i mean i think first of all this guy's not short and second of all uh some people will care about your height and some people won't. And go for the ones that don't.

The end. We have another question from another guy. We need another name. Let's hear it, Sam. James. Okay. I see where you're going with this. Vanderbeek. I love that one.

I don't want to wait. I'll ask to be over. Dawson writes, I'm in a pickle. So my wife has this job where she works from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., which is perfect. I work from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m., which means I get three whole sweet hours of playing video games after work. The problem is she hates working so late and wants to be home with me when I'm off. She constantly asks me if

I'm okay with her switching her work schedule where she gets off at 3 p.m. as well. I tell her to do what she thinks is best, but secretly I want her to work until 6 because whenever she's home, it's impossible to ever get time with my Xbox One. She'll get all mad and start pouting if I play in front of her and thinks I'm neglecting her as a husband, so I don't play when she's home anymore. Plus, it's really embarrassing when all my single friends start making fun of me or wherever. I have to get off, sorry, all my single friends start making fun of me whenever I have to get off playing video games because my wife is making me. I really do love my wife, and I don't regret getting married at all. With that said... No one said that.

How do I manipulate her? With that said, how do I manipulate her into changing her work schedule so I can pwn some noobs in Call of Duty? Please help. Thanks. Love, James Van Der Beek. Boy, oh boy. Do I love a question that ends with, how do I manipulate her? Wow. Sam, you have a wife.

Do you game? My relationship with video games is kind of the same as books where I'll get really into a video game for a period of time and play it and play it and play it kind of obsessively. I have a little bit of a compulsive personality that way.

Right. So habitually, no. The last game that i got really into was red dead redemption and i played it like an animal which is what what is that like an animal what's a lot like uh like uh like every like maybe three two three hours a night oh that's not that much yeah i bet there's a lot of gamers that just like laughed out loud two three hours a night that's nothing yeah god wow that's losers uh but did your did your lady ever resent you for that no no we have a pretty symbiotic video gaming relationship she doesn't love to take the wheel but she likes to watch me play oh wow especially beautiful games right like there is a type of game and maybe this is my

advice whoa i'm realizing okay guys i'm on to something i'm on to something follow it follow the thread certain type of game that your wife is into enough either to watch or play alongside you you can have your cake and eat it too this is like a little brother thing where it's like i don't want to play i just want to watch my big brother beat the game i suppose that's right although i think there's a new category of video game which is the video game that's like so beautiful it's actually enjoyable to watch and i think like uh red dead is totally that way uh grand theft auto is kind of that way the bioshock series is that way there's also like games like braid and journey which are just works of art now i sound like a

gamer i'm like i wish i could get into game i want to play braid would i like it one of the most beautiful masterpieces of video game art ever all right, all right. And how do you play it? Is it on your phone while you're taking a shit? No. It might be on your phone. When I played it, it was an Xbox arcade download. Oh, so it's a real video game. And now I think there are all sorts of ways to play it.

Got it. I remember playing Monument Valley. Oh, gorgeous. Does that one count? That was beautiful. Gorgeous game. That game was so hot. I played through that with Elaine. Oh, gorgeous. That was beautiful. Gorgeous game. That game was so hot. I played through that with Elaine.

Oh, really? We took turns watching each other play the levels. Totally. That was like a really fun group game of like three people around an iPad for sure. Yeah. To me, this is like three to six. That's the three hours that this guy cherishes and the three hours that this guy's wife feels like she really wants to hang out. But, like, six and after, that's a long time to hang out, too.

Yeah, it seems like three to six is some good alone time pre-wife time. Yeah. I mean, like, you can't say, no, I want you out of the house working. But you can say, like, hey, hey i love you to be around the house but like just so you know i really like playing video games and i'm gonna do that uh when i get home from work right and we can sort of float around in the same space video games are a part of the person you married yeah and if you love that person you will let me have my video game time it's i think this is more of a conversation not like of manipulating her to not be in the house, but of convincing her to be okay with your gaming.

And it sounds like she just needs her own hobby that she's going to be into from three to six. There is this kind of myth that in relationships, if you're in a relationship with someone and you're living with them especially that you need to be engaged all the time yeah and i think that that's a that's like a really terrible policy it's unsustainable and i've been there and it's failed yeah because i mean there would be times when i would be like at work and I would text someone that I was living with. And I would say, hey, I'm going to grab a drink with some of the guys. And she would say, but we were going to watch TV. Right.

And I would be like, but that's not a plan. That was just what we were going to do if we were both home. Yeah. To make plans to do nothing and to be on the same couch together starting as soon as both people are home from work yeah is i think like the beginning of the end being in a long-term relationship is like a lot being in like a live-in relationship is a lot of casual hanging out oh like you guys can both be at home but ignoring each other. Yeah, or maybe you're watching TV and she's on the couch on her phone with her feet under your butt. And that's going to be cool. And then I grab the phone and you say, what's here that's not here?

And I'll point to my heart and be like, why aren't you paying attention to me? Point to my dick. And then to my Xbox controller. She's looking at a picture of your dick. All right, that's fine but jesus that's close focus on me yeah it's true you don't want to be in a like when you're not living with someone the time that you're together has to be precious because you're not together all the time then you move in and perhaps the mistake is like let's give it just as much effort and intensity

but you can't sustain that because you're actually living with you know what have you guys ever been to like an all-you-can-eat buffet like a vegas buffet oh yeah the amateurs will go and they'll get like three giant plates of food and they'll bring it bring it back and they'll make their way through like a plate and a quarter and then be like i'm fucked yeah all of these little tarts are going to go to waste. I have to throw them away now. I have to throw away the tarts. Yeah. And you've got to learn to manage your portion.

The pros go straight for the waffles. And that's it. Cover them in chocolate chips and butter. Don't go for the dumplings. Don't go for the pasta don't eat the bread pasta yeah bread's a waste they're gonna give you unlimited bread sticks yeah okay so you don't get the metaphor i overdo it on the waffle it's like you're at the the metaphor is you're at an all you can eat buffet and you still have to manage three healthy meals a day. Yeah. You've got all wife time.

That's right. That's a guarantee. All you can eat wife. So his specific question is, how do I manipulate her into not changing her work schedule so I can pwn some noobs? So he doesn't want to be honest with her. He wants to inception the idea.

He wants to put the idea into her brain where she wants to stay at work till six. Right. So the lie that you would tell is that your schedule has changed, so you're also at work till six. Yeah, no need to come home. But then, like, I still say... Then she comes home and sees you gaming,

and you act like you just got caught cheating. Oh, it's not what it looks like. But you caught me on the sofa. It wasn't me. You didn't got me on camera. Playing Zelda. It wasn't me. It wasn't me you didn't come in camera playing zelda wasn't me uh it wasn't me i still think the honesty is the best policy here saying listen i love you i want to hang

out with you but three to six is me time manipulating your your so is never okay. Very G. But like how would you Game of Thrones, like how else would you House of Cards or Game of Thrones this situation? I wish I'd seen those shows. What does that mean to do that? Frank Underwood is a cutthroat politician who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.

And what he wants is to occupy the highest office in the United States. Now, honey, I understand you don't want to work. And I understand you want us to be together. Okay. But I'm going to need you to stay at work. Thank you so much. Oh, so he's

just a smooth talker. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, don't, don't. Be, be straight up, right? Yeah, that's easy. It's easy to say, and it's hard to do. Right. But overall, it'll feel good in the long run. Yeah.

Otherwise, you're living in a relationship where you're resenting your significant other for coming home early. She's happy. You're upset. It starts to eat away at you long term. Things start drifting apart, and it's all because you're upset, it starts to eat away at you. Long term, things start drifting apart. And it's all because you didn't have this conversation where you sat her down and said, three to six is precious me time. Come on, man.

Don't be a shovel. Don't be a shovel, be a hoe. Hey. What? Tried lightly. It ties back to my mother. What? It's a callback.

All right. It is very intrinsically related to my mother. All right, man. I'm sorry. Christ. It's all right. You're so protective. It's all right.

I know it's all right. Your dad's a piece of shit, right? My dad is a fucking nobody. I don't have a father anymore. And my mom is an everybody. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank a few sponsors. Is that supposed to mean everybody?

And we'll be right back with more questions and answers with Sam. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

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That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back with sam sam the man why did you cancel jake and Amir. We fought tooth and nail to still be there.

And Sam stiff-armed us. Positive, that's not how it went down. He said, no, no, no. I'm almost positive. Seething with jealousy, he said I couldn't stand it anymore. This is a trap. Lock the door. It's already locked.

We want our jobs back. Do people think I canceled Jake and Amir? They do now. Jesus Christ. I say that because it's the opposite you you begged us to stay you guys got fed up yeah we said no more um i don't even know if either of this stuff is true uh what are you working on you're still like true it's like a breakup you're still you're still at college humor though or should i say big i am i'm at the

no you can say college humor okay i'm at i am. I'm at the last. No, you can say College Humor. I'm the last person at the party, pretty much. But now there's new people at the party. Yes, that's right. The party turned over. It's a whole other party. Anybody still there that our fans would know about back from me and Jake's day? I know Adam's still there.

Emily's still there? Well, these are the people that you're talking about are no longer full-time employees of the company. They've gone on to work on other projects for the company. I would love to do that. I would come back to College Humor in a heartbeat. We did it. The Jake and Amir show that Sam Reich ultimately passed on. I wanted, yeah.

Or TruTV passed on. I don't even get the mix-up. Oh my God. Are you going to start rumors that I canceled Jake and Amir? I somehow didn't pick up the true TV show. That was somehow me. Insane. Sam's been a champion of us from the very beginning, actually.

Yeah. And to that I say ta-da. I'm a big fan of you guys. And not only you're part of it, you're part of the finale as well. You're in the first episode or last episode. Which felt like a real, because I had like way back in the day established this kind of sort of character

of a mirror's a mirror. That was kind of how we thought about it, right? Yeah. I had someone that looked up to me as much as I looked up to Jake. Only I hated you for some reason. You were giving me all the attention I wanted yeah and it meant nothing right but then in the good clearly you could have like turned your chair 180 degrees and found your best friend but you weren't interested if anyone just lifted jake up and plopped you there it seemed like it would solve

all the problems desk but then i somewhere along the line presumably i got a promotion which is kind of true in terms of my employment at college humor but then that also affected like my relationship with you guys in the storyline yeah like i became your boss in the storyline yeah by the end you were in charge of us yeah which is kind of true for reality that is head. Head of Big Breakfast. Kind of true. What are you working on now that you're most excited about? Well, we got a second season of Adam Ruins Everything. Hell yeah.

It works. And we just launched a YouTube Red, meaning YouTube for dollars series. Oh, I thought that was a book. That YouTube Red was a book? Yeah, like I read YouTube. Oh, no. Okay. All right, so what did I order off Amazon? that YouTube read was a book? Yeah, like I read YouTube. Oh, no.

Okay. All right, so what did I order off Amazon? Because it was a book of videos. I think you ordered Slim Jam. I did. Okay, you know what it was? Yeah. Macho Man Randy Savage's book. Yes.

No, it's not Slim Jam. What's the brand? Oh, the turkey jerky that we bought? The turkey jerky? The tubes of turkey. Yeah, it's so good. We can't endorse it until they start paying us. the brand oh the turkey jerky that we bought turkey jerky the tubes of turkey you know so good we're gonna we can't oh you can't endorse it until they start paying us yeah oh man you gotta write them an email i'll come back on the show talk about how much i legit like that those

turkey tubes i didn't realize it was turkey that's great news yeah but uh we have this youtube uh red series called bad internet which is kind of a Black Mirror parody, which I'm very proud of. I watched it. Yeah, you liked it. Yeah, it's great. You liked it. Loser. But there's familiar faces in there. Castles is in it.

Yeah, yeah. Hopefully we get a second season and you guys can do it. That would be my dream. Oh, shit. I'd love to write one of those episodes. Yeah, that'd be sweet. What happened to Pat? Remember, like, we were friends with this guy, Pat. Pat Castles. Pat killed him. What's that? What'd be sweet what happened to pat remember like we were

friends with this guy pat yeah what's that killed him what's up who what happened to pat mike trap he was murdered yeah jesus what happened to trap oh he's around oh so you're talking so casually about it so nothing ever happened from that. What do you mean? Mike Trapp killed Pat Cassels. And you're talking about it like he tripped him or something. Like nothing happened. No, he didn't trip him. He killed him.

Right, right. There's no legal obligation, recourse to the killings of Pat Cassels. I don't understand. All right, never mind. That's fine. Cool. What else are you excited about? No, Pat went to go write for Sam Bee, which is exciting it's true it's a great show all of our friends are writing for

television and we're doing first generation of college humor talent i mean we've all we're all in this like new chapter of our lives right like your guys chapter is lonely and horny, which is so good. And so, uh, I mean, you guys advertise on your pod. I'm at now advertising on your podcast. It's so funny and well-made and this like incredibly impressive,

uh, podcast network. You're like running your own business network. Yeah. Now take that true TV and Dan. own network. Business now. Take that, True TV. And Dan Gerwich. We're like, I have a lot of business at that network. And a really great relationship

with those executives. And so do we. And so do we. And Gerwich. Jake will order a steak dinner, eat a first bite, and be like, damn, this is good. Take that, True TV. Every time I'm proud of myself. But Dan Gurwitch was also murdered by Mike Trapp.

That's right. He was murdered by Kevin Corrigan. Corrigan's doing the best of everybody. He's at a climbing magazine. What's that? He's writing for a climbing magazine in Colorado. Yeah. He's living his hashtag best life.

I think he's probably found himself more than any of the rest of us have had himself. In fact, I guarantee you that that's true. He's more at peace, definitely, than anybody I know. The rest of us are still at war. Streeter, Sarah, Will Steven, SNL. Yeah. Back to back to back. David Young, The Tonight Show.

That's right. Dan, you were mentioning John Oliver. Yep. Owen Parsons, The Daily Show. Yeah. Jake and Amir, dick in their hands, talking to a fucking has- Sorry, no offense, dude, but you're a has-been. You know what?

Fuck that. You never was. Who else? Take that, True TV. Jeff Rubin. Oh, Jeff Rubin's at YouTube now. He's doing great. Yeah.

And so actually, the people left at the party are myself and Ricky. Oh. Right? Richard Van Veen. Richard Van Veen. Our's doing great. Yeah. And so actually the people left of the party are myself and Ricky. Oh. Richard Van Veen. Our first podcast guest. That's right. Ricky is in New York and I sort of man the West Coast. God, what I wouldn't give to just fucking crawl back to college humor. I'll make anything.

Anything without... You gotta just like at least do this stuff off mic. I know you wanted to... I remember you said... Suck your dick suck your dick sam sorry i don't know if this is picking up but i would just suck your dick it's not for a job even as an unpaid intern to be back in the game with you would be an honor so i think get me out of here last little i don't know that we can uh take unpaid interns right now oh i'm in college i'm in college yeah yeah got it college credit is fine yeah okay because i just enrolled at csun my dick all right you technically listening at home amir is kneeling this is insane he's blowing he's blowing sound i don't know what to say i don't

know how to rebound this is crazy um cool is there anything else you wanted to mention your snapchat oh god guys if you would follow me on snapchat i really just get getting into the snapchat game yeah and i like my username is sam neverland why did you do that because i said the exact two different things or a complete opposite about what he was doing on snapchat you're already killing it you've got a problem with everybody's name what are you doing why that because snapchat is the place where i can always feel like a kid is why i just made that up have that time that's pretty good actually i might change my name to amir bloom neverland i'm gonna change my name to amir bloom toys r us kid Kid. But follow, God, follow me. When is this post?

Let's say Monday, June 13th. Okay. Just to be clear, we're recording this February 3rd, 2013. We haven't even shot the true TV pilot yet. So I guess like three Merry Christmases between now and then. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Why?

You want to drop something really exciting on this day? Yeah, maybe I'll hunt you guys down on this day and take some exclusive content with you. Oh, don't promise that. What if you can't do that in a week? What about a picture of your butthole with a little lion emoji in it? I mean, it all depends on you guys. I'll hunt you down wherever you are. Not even for Snapchat.

That was so mean to say. You said it so casually. You said it on our last day at College Hooper, too. No, I'll hunt you down wherever you are. You'll do this for me. You'd better. It'll be fine. It's really threatening that you're saying it in such a fun, casual, lighthearted way.

You're sitting so provocatively. What does it mean to say you better laid out on the couch why do you keep saying you better you better you are like you'll do this for me because you better so just the words that you're saying seem really friendly and open like a cuddly teddy bear uh all right do you want to answer one last question before we have to get the f out let's do it um i'll give you two two options do you want to talk about butts or do you want to talk about sexually transmitted diseases butts who don't what you're gonna do with all that ass all that ass inside your shirt i'm gonna make make make your shirt. Make your shirt look like an ass.

Sorry, guys. Is that off the top of your head? During break, I tried that cocaine thing Jake was talking about. And he's right. That is my best self. That thing Jake endorsed. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, NatureBox, and Yak. We didn't have any, so I started snuffing this 45 spray adhesive. General purpose made by 3M.

That's the same. I'm feeling sticky like Ricky. All right, do you have a name for this last dude? I do. James Brown. James Brown. I like that. Make me hate it.

Brownie. I like that. Make me hate it. Brownie. I hate it. James Brownie writes, Hey guys, big fan. Hope this email finds you well. I found myself in a sticky, or should I say stinky situation. Actually, Sam, you have a really good voice. Do you want to read this?

Yeah. I feel like it's a waste to have you on and not have you do some VO work. Okay, just grab the bait you're just grabbing the monitor part of my laptop which seemed kind of precarious what kind of a voice do you want this read in ooh that's a good question just something kind of an answery

oh that'd be nice hey guys big fan okay so that's the guy from Sex and the City hope this email finds you well I found myself in a sticky, or should I say stinky situation. There's a girl I've been having a sexual relationship with

and recently when I was hitting it from the back, I smelled something disgusting. To my dismay, I deduced that it was her butthole that was emitting that foul stitch. Change voices.

Anyways, my issue is I don't know how to move forward. What would you do if you were me? I'm contemplating if I should stop having sex with her. Just to add some additional info, that recent incident made me aware that her butt has always stunk. But because it was so faint before, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. But now that I know what it is, she is disgusting to me. And I need help moving forward and deciding what to do. Hope you guys can offer some help.

Nuff Love from Toronto. Thank you. James Brown. Hell yeah. Sam, can you just read questions for the rest of time? Whenever we have a question, we'll just email it to you. That'd be great. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Oh, the laptop handoff is complete. What do we say to James Brown? His girlfriend's butthole smells? What do you think that could be? Why would a butthole smell? He deduced where the smell was coming from. At first it was faint. I smelled this distinct ass-like smell.

It's like I was face- face to face with your ass butts seem to stink always that's where the poop and the gas and the farts come out if you're gonna nitpick then you're not allowed to have doggy style sex I don't think every time I read one of these

questions the first thing my mind does is turns on the person who asked the question that's the first thing I do I'm like what, the first thing my mind does is turns on the person who asked the question. Most of the time that is... That's the first thing I do. I'm like, what's the other side of this story? Yeah. And the other side is this girl has a slightly stinky butthole, which is pretty normal. Because if this is... If I'm not immediately

taking the other side, then this might be a hygiene issue, right? Do you think that she's not wiping properly? It's possible possible even if you're wiping properly your butthole would stink i mean wiping is just smearing shit with a dry paper towel up around your sphincter first of all not everybody has the types of shits that you have okay some some some ladies don't have hairy ass cracks so when they wipe, it actually is pretty effective,

and the shit is gone. Yeah, the shit is gone, but you're still smearing. At the end of the day, it's smearing shit. Sorry, I'm pro bidet, and if that makes me European. It's wiping. That's why they call it wiping. Did you smear in there? Well, wiping, smearing, it's all the same.

One week in New Zealand and you come back a bidet man. I actually only shit in lakes now. So we were at Lake Takepo and I would diarrhea. And you would see me dip. You also diarrhea-ed in the car. That's right. You diarrhea-ed on the plane. And I asked to be taken to the nearest lake which wasn't takepo anymore

i was you grounded the plane that's right and i said take me to your nearest lake they said sorry sir we're six and a half hours from any body of water uh that's not the pacific ocean and i said also you forgot your passport clearly i used it to wipe my own ass. Smearing my own ass, I should say. Well. What? So, fine. If we're going to say that that one time, which is totally possible, that one time her butt smelled, that's fair. And maybe the other times when he's saying it was faint, that means it didn't smell. You know what, Jake?

That's a really good point. We need a wider, bigger grouping of data in order to be able to determine if this problem even needs a solution. Right. Or he has to have sex with multiple people so he can decide if maybe doggy style is just something that his nostrils can't handle. Well, you don't know if he has or hasn't had sex with many people with doggy style. You're assuming he hasn't. I'm assuming that this is the one person that he's ever fucked doggy style and this is the first time he's ever smelled someone else's butt but at the very least there should be one other time and then a third tie-breaking time to see whether or not this is really an issue yeah i volunteer as tribute what does that mean

it's from hunger games what would your role be as Tribute? I think I let him fuck me from God. Okay, so you think that's what Tribute is. Well, Tribute is like when you offer to go in someone's stead. Katniss Everdeen decided that she was going to go in place of Primrose. Got it. Everdeen. So you're going to go in place of her. How does that help him figure out if her... Because then he'll be able to see if, like, buttholes in general are a little too stinky for him.

Right. Like, if he's got sensitive nostrils. Like, if yours... I actually just kind of take it. I don't really want to do it. Yeah. I don't want to go into tribute anymore. This is also a deleted scene from the movie

because can we can we all agree that like sex smells aren't always great yeah definitely i think there's something to being like in the moment where like anything is hot yeah this is like a street or stand-up bit it is oh yeah sex is magic sex is magic where everything is stinky and gross while it's happening it's awesome spit in bit. It is. Oh, yeah. Sex is magic. Sex is magic. Where everything is stinky and gross while it's happening. And it's awesome. Spit in my mouth. I want to lick your sweat off of your ass crack. And then as soon as you come, you're like, oh.

Oh, God. This is get off me. I just ruined Streeter's stand-up. You're welcome. It was a great bit. Love Streeter. So do you think it's a little bit of that? Well, I wonder if it's that. I mean that well i wonder if it's that i mean i actually

wonder if what he thinks is like a butthole smell is actually just like the smell of sex right and he's turned off by that smell that would be sad to be to be turned off by the smell of sex yeah i mean maybe there are some people that are turned off by the idea of uh you're amir's not a butthole person so does that mean that you like doggy style less than somebody who... No. When he says I'm not a butthole person, it came out of a conversation that was like, Jake's like, yeah, I like to lick down there.

And I'm like, that's a little too much for me. That feels a little gross for me. Oh, you like to lick ass. I like to do everything that I am allowed to do. Anything a bunny can do to a hill. I'll push the limits. Wait, wait, wait, wait wait wait wait anything that you're allowed to do on an ass yeah so you'll like fill up those little change things with like the proper

like the rolling papers with the proper amount of change like i guess like if i was i probably that's not the first thing i would want to do if i was allowed to do it sure um i've never but i've also never gotten that far so who knows you're talking about that's like eighth base you're the only like the the most thing that i i've been allowed is a dick in the butt got it and beyond that there's been really a d in the b say a d in the b we can't talk about like we can't be this is this episode is not um explicit yeah sorry so a d in the B. I apologize. But enough to say a cock is someone's ass.

You like a D and a P. You like a D and a B. Yeah. I like a D anywhere in the E. Were you talking about putting coins in the colon? Or were you talking about putting coins in the paper but next to an ass? You're talking about a tiny little dildo. No.

I'm talking about laid on top of the ass. Oh, I see. There's a roll for quarters. Got it. And you're just, she's being very patient. Oh, and you're just stacking money. And you're just stacking the coins. Oh, I would be into that.

As long as I didn't have to put the paper into anyone's butt, because I would feel like a little nervous about paper cuts. Sure. Right. I'm also, I'm not an ass, eat liquor person like you. Right. You're a little too logical. Sex isn't that magic.

You can't disconnect your brain that much. It's not even, maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's prudishness. I never thought about it that way. But like sex is like really, certain things are really messy and dirty and exciting in sex. And then you get to like licking a butthole and I'm like, why on earth would I want to do that? You haven't been that lost in it.

I guess that's true. It just like, it seems to fall into a totally different category for me. Beyond sex. Yeah. I mean, I think there's like dirty stuff that I still find exciting, but that in particular,

I can't, I can't. Conversely, that's kind of what I want to do the most. Is that true? Probably. Wow. That's like the ultimate, that's the... That's how Jake kisses goodbye.

You remember when I, and sometimes, hello, when I met Amir's mother for the first time. Let's stop this story right now. tossed your mom's salad bro you're gonna call my mother a shovel again you're talking about a dude's mom jake you don't go there you don't do that just It was like a European style. Put it on the cheeks. It's left, right, left. Yeah, that's right.

Parisian style. That's what Jake thinks French kissing is. So let's answer this guy's specific question, which is she's disgusting to me and I need help moving forward and deciding what to do. So it sounds to me like this guy is being a little bit of a prude and like he he needs a wider data set like he needs to do this again

and maybe even a third time before he makes a call yeah he really likes this girl and there is a problem there is something that he should try to broach because if she never gets the feedback imagine being that girl yeah and like these guys they like sleep with you once and then never again and you don't know why like yeah you know someone very hard subject to broach i don't know how to do it but i i do agree that this is he's treating this as like a oh her butthole smells now and forever, instead of just, it happened this one time. So I think if he can let it go, keep on having sex, see if it's a persisting issue, and if it is, then we'll talk again. But also, I mean, he needs, like, sex is a messy business, and the, like, smells are a natural part part of it and i think he needs to like stop looking he shouldn't be disgusted by her like that he shouldn't blame her probably right i'm

gonna guess that this smell is a natural you know he could imagine getting uh railed from behind with a dildo by her and he could say like oh i wonder if my ass is clean enough for that. So like, you know. Walk a mile in my ass. Dildo. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass. All right. Cool. Hopefully we helped the three Jameses. I think we did.

Sam, thank you again for coming all the way to our new studio, for being on our podcast for the first time in several hundred episodes. We've got to have you back before episode 440. It's got to be at a more rapid clip than this. We've been doing this podcast for three years, for Christ's sake. I'd love it. Guys, thank you so much for having me.

I'll come back any time. In fact, in order to make up for lost time, I think I should be on the next four. Let's do another one right now. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. We're back with Sam. Yes, Sam.

Sam Neverland, folks. I love that. Sam Neverland. Sam Neverland. Hell yeah. Sam, I wanted to mention that Jake and I are going to Dublin and London for live shows. God, you're such international men of mystery. You lived in London.

You get the gist. You know it's what. I lived in Oxford, so I get the slightly in London. You get the gist. You know it's what. I lived in Oxford, so I get the slightly less exciting, more collegiate gist. That's right. So if you live in London or Oxford or Dublin, I think the tickets will all be available by the time this episode comes out. You can click on the links at ifireyoushow.com. London shows are over.

London shows almost sold out, so get on that. Should we talk about the L.A LA show that we have, too? Oh, yeah. We have a show in Los Angeles, too, on June what? June 27th, I think. We'll put that link. All the information will be at FIUshow.com. London, Dublin, Los Angeles, all the big cities in the world.

Sam, you want to come to that show? I do. The LA show? I would love to come. Oh, really? Shit. All right. Why?

Fuck. Tickets? No, just that. All right. We'll talk about it off camera. I didn't think'd say yes it's all uh but that's okay fuck sorry can we record that will you say no sam do you want to come to the show in la no oh really fuck it would have been great to have you there oh well uh thank you so much for listening what did you gain just wanted on the record that sam did not i repeat did not want not want to go to the show. That's why he's not there. I do.

I do. Thank you, Sam, for listening. Thank you, Jacob LeGron, for writing the opening theme song. This closing one is written by, his name is spelled K-E-E-S, but he says it's pronounced Case. So thanks, Case, for writing the closing theme song. We'll be back next Monday. Final words? That was perfect.

Shovel. I love that. Easy. Later, everybody. One, two, three, four. Thank you. Yes, dude.