Segments - 223: Sports (w/Mike Karnell!)

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

Friend/Lover/Brother/Podcaster Mike Karnell joins us to discuss the thrill of victory, and agony of being punched in the face. This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub and MeUndies! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. If I were you, if I were you, I would write into these studios. If I were you, we used to have a web show But that was years ago, many years ago Now they have their very own ad-lib show If I were you At gmail.com

Yeah! You know who that was? Jake? It was me? No. I thought it was Taking Back Sunday. Yeah, that felt like a fucking Sum 41 track. Right? It's the guy who wrote Forever Night.

Ace and Jocelyn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that? It was Ace and Jocelyn and then forever night yeah fired shit yeah yeah that was like the beginning to a cw show so that guy gavin the guy who wrote forever night five years ago which is the song at the end of fired uh has a new project favorite songs of all time yeah i that song. You are one wild child of the night. You are, you are, you are. He has

a new solo project called Tennyson Wolf. T-E-N-N-Y-S-O-N Wolf. And just released a debut EP. So if you can go to TennysonWolf.Bandcamp.com you get more more songs from Tennyson Wolf.

You're advertising for Gavin, huh? huh yeah he wrote that song i mean why are you why are you mad charging this is a popular podcast charge we're charging charging for the free theme songs we get it's free advertising this is bullshit but it's also a free theme song i mean the trade-off's not working carnell knows how to make some fucking money uh mike carnell in the house mikey carnell what at uh a third of the hosts of twinnovation i know i'm the host sorry the host of twinnovation they are can i just say this is such a pleasure to have carnell in this studio right now happy to be here yeah that's that song made me feel like we were driving around in the suburban in high school again yeah that made me think of that Your Hair Is Everywhere song.

Yeah, the dashboard confessional. Breathe in, breathe out. So stupid. How long have you guys been friends, you and Jake? Seventh grade? Yeah, I think we met each other when I was in seventh grade. Seventh grade. Thirteen going on thirty.

I was like a pudgy little bully. I was just like a real roughhanger. Yeah, some things never change. What the fuck up, dude? Oh, dude, I'm kidding, man. I'll fucking knock you, dude. But you're younger than Jake, I thought. I am.

We're a grade, I'm a grade below you. Yeah, Jake was in 12th grade and Cornell was in 7th, right? Yeah. A lot of your friends were like 7th and 8th grade. Right, right. Well, I was... Easy to impress. I was a camp counselor.

Yeah. I'll never forget when Counselor Jake took me into the woods and taught me how to drink dude yeah fucking homos what are you guys doing let me fucking chill with you guys i'll buy you cigarettes and beer you gotta butt chug this this is capri sun this is this is made to be butt chug did you ever have like friends older brother who like hung out a little bit too much with your crew and you're like wait a minute you're not cool if you're hanging out with us what no but my older sister was the opposite and was would like threatened to call the cops if the rosenbergs didn't leave the house because she just didn't want me to be happy and her friends oh you had that like mike get the get your friends the fuck

out of this house jeff was in the house she's like i'm calling the cops if he doesn't leave and i said go ahead why would she call the police? I was like not dumb. I was not. She wasn't so old and smart that I like couldn't see that she was lying. Wait, how old was your sister when this was happening? She must have been in high school. We were like in eighth grade. Right. The tough thing was that Carnell's sister was like really, really, really hot. That's enough, dude.

She's a beautiful person. She's a beautiful woman. She's the mother of three. She's the mother of three? She's the mother of three. You have a third niece or nephew? Oh, yeah, dude. Little Hanky.

Hank? They named it Hank? No, it's Henry. niece or nephew? Oh, yeah, dude. Little Hanky. Hank? They named it Hank? No, it's Henry. After Hank. He named it after Hank, dude. After Hank wrote it. No, Hank Aaron, the home run king, dude. We love it.

Go Braves. Hanky-o. Go Braves. All right. This is a show, a podcast, an advice podcast called If I Were You. People will email us in their questions. They're confused. they don't know any better they're seeking our guidance our wisdom yeah uh sometimes it's just jake and i sometimes

we have uh friends on the show today we have family that's what's up uh well i used to read these emails oh shit i used to read i've come alive truly come from the bottom i used to read the emails and star them for you right holy shit that's right when was that that was like a year or two like three years ago yeah it was when i lived in la yes before you moved god i used to read the emails and then something actually some of them i was like i wanted to be like yo you need to not ask jake and miriam advice and you need to like go to the cops for real yeah yeah there's there was like some real shady shit going down in this i wanted to be like do not depend on this podcast for help. Yeah. You need to talk to your parents.

Right. When we get like a year deep in the old archived emails and there's like one about suicide. Yeah. Oh, no. There was one about, I mean, I won't even get into it. It's kind of a bummer, but it was pretty dark. And I think I forwarded it to you and I was like, hey, I just want you to see this. Yeah.

I don't know what to do. Like, is it illegal that i read it like can i be in court uh for reading it once and not doing anything about it am i implicated and then the next one's just like my girlfriend's period smells can i confront her about it the one before it ended with please help me he's cut she still managed to press send on that email even though she got amazing he did it all right that is too dark uh all right uh these are a little more light-hearted really emails from real people um god what should we start with um there's so many good ones let's do uh okay this one i really love uh we need a dude's

name mikey um oh sorry a girl's name a girl's name uh claire bonaventure oh very nice fancy bonaventure little waspy that's a great last name let's try another option another option yeah just because i didn't really like that one. I'm just kidding. We never do this. We never critique people. Jesus. Jennifer Bonaventure. Claire.

Claire Bonaventure writes, Hi, friends. Very in love with your show. Keep up the good work. Do you think I should read the compliments at the top or just go straight to the questions? I like to read the compliments out loud. It sort of reinforces in people that we have a great show and they should love us i just feel that because she didn't

actually write that yeah well no i don't think you should make it up okay uh here's what's going down with me i'm a 22 year old lady in a long-term relationship three years and my boyfriend is very into sports specifically basketball warriors and baseball giants When I say very into them, I mean very into them. Whenever he's watching a game, he gets extremely emotional about it. Shouting, slamming his fists on the ground, the whole nine. Now, I enjoy watching sports. I especially want to watch with him because he loves them so much, and I want to enjoy what he enjoys.

But if they're losing, it's as if he is personally experiencing a tragedy. And if they do actually lose, the evening is ruined. He mopes and pouts while I basically have to sit there and avoid him lashing out at my attempts to comfort him or make light of the situation. Am I crazy or does he need to calm the F down? I know people get really invested in sports, but I feel like he goes a bit overboard. So my question is, is there anything I can do? Should I just not watch the games with him anymore? How do I tell him I don't want to be around him when he watches sports without upsetting him? Amir, I know you're a sports fan, but do you get this emotionally invested when your teams do poorly? I was inspired to write to you guys because it's the playoffs and the Warriors

are currently playing the OKC Thunder. Oh, quite the roller coaster ride. She doesn't play anymore because her boyfriend did hang himself. And they're not doing great. I'm honestly a little terrified if the Warriors don't win at all. Please help. What if they lost it in the worst fashion imaginable? God, can you imagine? What if they come back, beat the Thunder, and I don't know what would happen if they blew it. The chase down.

I mean. Fucking love the chase down. What do you think? I mean, this is a tough area it's very what do you think I mean this is a tough area for me because I get really passionate when I watch

and I used to get like this dude used to get like I went to Ohio State big sports school I used to get OH I am my man

thank you very much like when the Patriots lost their undefeated season I kicked a hole into a wall like a big hole and I had to like pay out of pocket

and like fix this wall but i realized there i was like this isn't worth it you gotta you can get nuts and enjoy it during the game but you can't like you if they lose you just have to let it roll off yeah like i went nuts during the warriors calves game and bit i bit jeff's beard and pulled pulled hair out what i was pro calves and he was like pro warriors and i was just talking shit to him the whole time and he was like he got my face and he said you bet you better step off dude you're gonna get clapped and i just looked at him and then bit into his beard pulled out hair i said you i said i said you step off and sarah saw that my girlfriend was like jesus i think i heard her

say jesus christ dude and then she didn't talk to you about it because she was too afraid but then we were good like even if they had lost, I would have been fine. Yeah. My strategy is I love when I'm a Lakers fan, so I love when they win. We watched Celtics-Lakers together back in the day. Oh, my God. That was so funny. It was before I even – that was like the day I met you.

That might have been the day we met. You were a Celtics fan. I didn't even know. And I was a Lakers fan. And they were playing in the finals, and the Lakers lost. They collapsed. Probably the worst playing in the finals. And the Lakers lost. They collapsed. Probably the worst collapse in NBA history. And you didn't tell me that you were a Celtics fan.

Well, because that's part of being a nice person. You should never rub it in the other team's face. And you should just be chill and enjoy it. That's really it. Cut to Mike ripping Jeff's beard out with his teeth. You step off. When I was in college, I was a huge Yankees fan. And they were...

I think it was the 2004... No. Yeah, the 2004 ALCS. The 3-0 collapse. Yeah. And I remember... Got the tat on my back to memorialize it, dude. Oh, shit, too.

We had an opposite experience. Yeah, dude. And we were miming brooms down the hallway after game three. Everybody on my floor is a huge Yankees fan. And then when they- Mm-hmm. When that one happened, bitch. Lips your beard out.

After the Red Sox came back, I legitimately didn't get out of bed for two days. Wait, you were that sad? I was so depressed because I fucking loved the Yankees. I listened to every single game on the radio. Wow. And that was last year. I watched the Aaron Boone game with you back in the day. Oh, man.

We watched it, me, you, and Matt. Yeah, yeah. And you were a real fucking jerk when they won, dude. You kind of had this coming, if I remember correctly. No, because you guys were jerks when the Red Sox won. We were all jerks to each other. Yeah, dude. Your friendship.

Half of being a fan is just being able to ridicule other people who are fans of different teams. That's why a strategy is to be kind of quiet during the game, so nobody gets really loud in your face. Not my strategy, dude. I get nuts. This girl is like, what she should do is just start making plans during game days. Like, look ahead on the schedule and make plans with her friends and be like i don't think you want me there anyway right and then you think he'd miss her he's like great get out of my face he's a fucking jerk dude i mean he's yeah he's snapping at his girlfriend in public at a bar because his sports team lost

fuck i'm gonna catch some heat some heat for this but but I will say that this guy sounds like most fucking Warriors fans to me. Wow. Throwing shade at the entire fan base. I'm fine being mad during the game. They're not used to losing. They can't handle it. I'm fine being upset during the game. I think that's fine.

If this guy's an actual Warriors fan, he's experienced decades. Oh, he's not? There's very few actual Warriors fans. Well, he seems like he's from the Bay Area at least. The Warriors were awful. It's that old mascot they used to have that was like the sonic dude that's her boyfriend frisbee he hasn't taken off the costume in four years yeah the warriors were so bad for so long and then they're playing well he's i don't know going through some sort of emotional roller coaster what i do is i like to get into the highs i'm down i'm jumping up and

for joy when championships are won of course but then the lows I'm just like oh why do I get so invested like I don't really know these guys they're not actually from LA they're all that's it and that's the best attitude I think to have this kid's a fucking maniac he needs to like actually talk to him you just kicked through a wall you said you bit a beard I did that in private and I've grown from that and I don't get I don't get like sad anymore yeah no even like Ohio State has had some like, we've gotten whooped in the championship game. We finally won a couple years ago.

That's what's up, dude. I remember how pumped you were. I was with you for that. We've been with each other for a lot of great sports experience. I just think that once the game's over, who the fuck cares? It doesn't even matter. You've got to walk away, bro.

What is she going to do? That's the love of your life? You're going to snap at her? Maybe because he's young. how old it's an age 22 years old he's 22 i think she's got it she's got to just say something she's got to be like hey you're uh being kind of just be nice about it loser about this just be like yo you're really mean to me around people in public it's a bad look for everybody um and i like not gonna watch sports with you if that's how it is yeah i i think he'll probably uh react poorly to that lash out a little bit but then come on yeah then he's like oh it's not a big deal i really want to get a game of his career it's

not about how you feel bro it's about how i feel i want a post game seven update after the thunder game and then after the calves game like hey how it going? We don't hear back from her. I thought she was going to be like, we're up 3-1 against the Cavs. I was like, oh my god. But then to start down 3-1 to the... I mean, this dude, he might have actually hurt her. I think that goes towards the greater point that I want to make is that this guy

needs to have a more holistic approach of liking a team. It's not all hinging on this one season. This is part of the whole story you know now maybe next year they so no yeah like every game you're gonna be mad if they lose you're gonna like a team for a long time they're not gonna win every single game every that's a great point too yeah nobody like you're gonna lose season baseball get used to it bro who gets this invested in regular like baseball games in july game 92 fuckingants blew a lead against the Reds. Fuck, man.

Bochy's blowing it. Yeah. I think that was right. All right. Tell him to calm down. I think he needs to calm the fuck down and start treating his girlfriend with the respect that she deserves. And this is coming from three sports fans.

We're not like... I got a fucking Red Sox tattoo with a Budweiser crown on my back. It's the stupidest tattoo. It tattoo with a budweiser crown on my back it's the stupidest tattoo that's how much i loved i love sports and this dude's a fucking clown uh all right also fuck the warriors fuck curry he's a bitch too fuck that i fuck with westbrook and i fuck with bron bron king james oh wait are you a celtics fan now or a calves always been a celtics fan always will be but i root for the Cavs and I love LeBron. Okay. So LeBron on the Celtics is like your wet dream. I wouldn't even want him

on the Celtics. I want him to just do his own thing in Cleveland. Because Mikey's got ties to Ohio too. For the city, dude. For the land. The land.

Oh yeah, because he went to Ohio State so you got that connection. Yeah. I root for Ohio. All right. Another girl's... Shout out to the books.

Another girl's name. Another girl's name another girl's name hmm hmm hmm jillian martinez i like that is that a real woman i saw well i know someone named jill and then a pedro martinez popped into my head i like that jillian martinez yeah still thinking about 2004 ALCS. That one was just for you, Jakey boy. David Ortiz. A girl's name? David Ortiz. Jillian Ortiz. So, here's my dilemma. A couple months ago, I went out for some drinks

with my crazy aunt. It was a late St. Patrick's Day celebration, so there were a lot of people out along with us. We were having a great time, and we were both fairly drunk at this point, and my aunt and I went into a music tent and were dancing around, having a grand old time near the front, when a middle-aged couple started to seem a bit annoyed with us and asked us to leave. We weren't in their personal space or anything,

so I was slightly offended that they were being so rude. I had recently told my aunt that i had never punched anyone before which led to her encouraging me to pop this hell yeah pop this grumpy lady in the face hole as i ran away in fear of the middle-aged woman i stopped by my doctor and her husband p.s my mom works with the doctor i have an appointment with her coming up, and I hope she doesn't bring this up or that she never saw it

happen in the first place. So my question is, what do I do if my doctor brings this up? Do I laugh it off or apologize for being a drunk scumbag? Thanks for your most sincere advice and help. Love, Julian Martinez. She didn't mention the fact... What actually happened it seemed like she she did punch her she didn't or did she glossed over

she's like my aunt told me to punch her as i ran away yeah i was like so you did punch her or not you did punch the woman oh yeah i think she it's illegal to write it so she's like my aunt told me to punch her and then as i ran away in fear i ran into my doctor um i mean i you i'm down dude i love that shit i love this aunt how many times have you been punched in the face um probably three to four times and how many times have you punched someone in the face at least three or four times more than that i always punch first dude always uh i i've never had either. I'm a zero and zero. I was a big, like, I was a scrapper as a kid, dude.

I was getting in, like, two or three fights a school year. What was your biggest punch in the face? That I got punched in the face? Yeah. Some dude, you know Eddie, you know our boy Eddie. Some dude was, like, this big dude who was, like, 26. Because I hung out with, like, football players in high school. Yeah, this is really funny. I hung out with, like, football players in high school yeah this is really funny i hung out with like football players in high school we like we party dude like we

threw house parties dude and i actually still go to some of those house parties because the football team at hampton high is still but this 26 year old kid whose younger brother was a senior who this dude had like just gone out of jail for like robbing that radio shack in town wait i won't say name i'll tell you after but like kind of like a scary like dude had tattoos and was like muscular had you were in so you're in high school we were at a house party he came to this high school party you were 18 and he was 26 you're like 17 eddie was there we were you know we were just kicking it all mutual friends you know eddie's eddie could be confrontational and he was like i don't know i don't remember

what they're talking about but him and this 26 year old and our friend And he was like, I don't know. I don't remember what they're talking about. But him and this 26-year-old and our friend Eddie, who's like a sweet little boy, started kind of like mouthing off to each other. And this dude like slapped Eddie in the face. And then started calling him like gay shit. Like making fun of him for being gay. And it was one of those moments where it's like a true test of character. Like a true test. And I went to his little brother. I was like, yo, if your brother keeps slapping Eddiedie i'm gonna slap him he heard me the 26 year old

heard me say that and was like what's up dude and came up and i was like if you slap him again i'm gonna slap you he slapped eddie i slapped him he punched me so hard in the face and then the fight got broken up just like fucking clocked me dude like the side of the jaw right in the jaw did it break did it bruise no it's all good i got the fucking strong jaw i've been punched before bro uh so he socked you in the face socked me fucking straight up in the face did you fall down no you just i felt like i got pushed backwards because he's a big dude but like i didn't fall down or anything what did you do in response to that uh you know it got broken up so i was like fuck you oh really you just acted cool like it was yeah i acted like it was nothing and then i was like, fuck you. Oh, really? You just acted cool like it was no big deal? Yeah, acted cool like it was nothing, and then I was like, damn, this hurts.

And what happens? What does it feel like? Does it feel like a cut? Does it feel like a bruise on your face? I mean, even maybe 15 months ago, I got punched in the face. Really? Yeah, defending Sarah's honor. I clocked the dude back.

What? How? What happened there? Meatpacking district. Cut to meatpacking district, December. Okay. First off, Jeff almost gets in a fight. Ten years after you got punched in the face at the house party.

Yeah. A 57-year-old man tried to fight Jeff. He was trying to fight everybody in this club. Jeff tried to walk by him and the guy was like, yo, this is my space. Don't walk here. And Jeff was like, what? And the guy got in his face and the bouncers broke it up. And I went and grabbed Jeff. I was like, what are you even doing, dude? Don't get in a fight.

We're adults. I know where this story ends up so that's a funny line yeah i'm so fucked up i go over to sarah almost get into a fight for the rest of the night you're just like sort of in the mood the blood's pumping yeah so i go over to sarah and some dudes like kind of like you know harassing her like kind of really close and talking to her i put my arm around her i go yo what's up man he goes oh is this your girl i go yeah he goes well then kiss her to prove it kiss her to prove it and i just said fuck you get out of here and then we were just talking shit bumping chest and the last thing i said was nobody here's fucking scared of you bro and we went to go turn our separate ways except he turned back around and clocked me so hard in the face really my glasses go flying

oh my pure instinct i use momentum of getting punched. I come back, clock him with the left because he didn't know that your boy was left-handed. Clock him with the left, he falls back. We're grappling each other

in the middle of a fucking bar. Holy shit. I gaslight in meatpacking. Yeah. What did Sarah do? Was she like, this is awesome? He like fucking trips me up

and I'm like, oh fuck, I'm falling. I land on a seat cushion, bounce up, use the momentum. As I startle him fuck I'm falling I land on a seat cushion bounce up Use the momentum As I startle him I spin him around grab him in the back of the head And start slamming his head into a door And then I got choked out by the bouncers from behind

And I had like a huge welt on my eye And Sarah comes out I'm like where are my glasses babe She's drunk she's crying She's got her fucking flashlight on her phone She's like where did you see my boyfriend's glasses The guy comes up to her he's like Yo has your boyfriend the dude slammed that guy's head into the wall And she's like, let me see my boyfriend's glasses. The guy comes up to her. He's like, yo,

is your boyfriend the dude who slammed that guy's head into the wall? She's like, yeah. He's like, I found his glasses. And then we went.

I was with Jamie Dell. She like threw up in her hands outside. We just went, you know, kept the party going, dude. She threw up in her hands too.

And that night, Dave, Dave like went missing for like six hours. And didn't, it wasn't because Anna like face planted on the sidewalk somewhere?

Yeah, I don't know. You know, he just was gone. What a fucking, God, I fucking god i want to do that come back to the city dude anyway what was the question punch me come on come here if i punched you would you punch me or you'd only do it when you're like no i wouldn't if you like punched me and got no i probably would punch you just i want to say that I would just take it and be like, yo, it's cool. I know you didn't mean that.

But I think I would like, I might grapple you to the ground and choke you out. Have you ever punched a friend or was it usually an enemy? Definitely I've punched a friend. Oh, really? Do you think more often you've punched friends? No, no, no, no, no, no. Only, you know, friends are minimal. Yeah.

You know, I got in fights in college and shit. Have you ever punched or been punched? I got punched in the head one time. By who? That's it. Some guy at a frat party at Lehigh. You've never punched or been punched? No.

Or sorry, you've never punched anyone? I'm a sucker puncher, dude. When I was in sixth grade, I threw a punch. Nice. That's great. And I think I've been in grappling, wrestling things, but everything gets broken up before it gets... like yeah i've definitely started a fight you saw me punch someone oh no i left that party before you punched that kid shit because i knew there was some there

was some crazy shit going down there there was some there was a bad boy was heated see i don't want to punch or be punched but i want to have been punched or been punched yeah i want to be able to look back and be like i was punched and then i punched a bunch you know someone can just die and you kind of realize that as you get older like yo someone could just die if i could die if they punched me and i fall over it's on the wrong like i could like it's just not really worth it you could like ruin their life yeah that's true all right fine but at the end of the day you got if you gotta throw down yeah throw down yeah well it sounded like this person i guess to take it back to the question oh yeah you don't write the question you didn't she didn you got to throw down, you got to throw down. Yeah, well, it sounded like this person, I guess to take it back to the question. Oh, yeah.

You don't write the question. She didn't need to punch this lady. Stop putting it on your crazy aunt. You're also crazy because you listen to your crazy aunt. That's so true. All of this question was blaming the aunt, and she didn't. I was with my crazy aunt, and my aunt told me to do this.

This girl doesn't really have an aunt. She just has this imaginary friend. I mean, mean the doctor's gonna think you're a fucking psycho if she saw your punch yeah a middle-aged woman i thought that she didn't punch and i was like oh you just blame it on your aunt when you go to the doctor but if she threw the punch there's no i mean you just gotta say you're sorry yeah like that's not how you have to apologize to everyone that sees you punch somebody nah dude it is what it is what it is. Yeah, I don't think she needs to go to the doctor and be like, hey, I'm sorry for... If the doctor brings it up, then you'll say, oh yeah, what a crazy

day. I'm an idiot. Also, it's Dr. Klein privilege or whatever. Oh yeah, confidentiality. The Hippocratic Oath. If anything, you need to apologize to the woman that you punched. She was running her mouth. The coolest thing about a punch excuse is like they weren't even harassing you like when you're talking about he was talking to your boy eddie or your girl that's a fucking honorable punch yeah i had to take it from a

boy dude yeah you got it too for sarah yeah how does but how does that guy tell the story he's like so yeah so then like this dude came up i told him to kiss his girlfriend. He said no. So I said, all right, what about second base? I'll see it if you feel her up in front of me. That's proof. He said no. I'm starting to think it's not his girlfriend, dude. He probably tells it like, yeah, so this stranger comes in.

He grabs this girl by the waist. I'm like, hey, that's not your girlfriend. Don't you touch her. Yeah, we never hear the other story in any confrontation. I never hear like a car accident where it's not like the. Don't you touch her. Yeah. We never hear the other story. In any confrontation. I never hear like a car accident where it's not like the other person's fault. Yeah.

I mean, I escalated the fight. It's like half my fault. It's half his fault, half my fault. That's really nice of you to say. I don't know. This girl,

seems like also if you're so drunk where you'll just punch somebody that you probably were annoying these people and like stepping on their feet and like spilling your fucking drink everywhere. Yeah. And they were like,

go away. Which is the worst because they like like they were right to tell you to go away and you were so like she got the last it's like somebody kicking your seat a bunch in the movie theater you're like hey can you please stop and then they just block you out are you are you confrontational by nature like do you like tell people to shut the fuck up if they're talking the movie theater or are you like i'll just be quiet i will stand up for myself i think that like i just play i play everything by the situation i don't have one way that i am but like in situations like that i'll say shut the fuck up like if you're in a movie theater if someone's talking to me like that i'll if a bar i'll always

try to diffuse a situation because that shit can get out of hand yeah i just don't have that in me there was we were playing basketball once and there there were these kids who wouldn't move, and all nine of us were just like, all right, they're not going to move. And then there was one guy who's like, dudes, get the fuck out of here. We're trying to play basketball here. Just move to another fucking court. I'm like, I would never say that. Did it work? No, the kids stayed.

But I don't have that gene in me where I'm yelling at children or anybody, really. Oh, I'll start shaming people, dude. Yeah. There's a dude, I was playing softball and the fields were built so close that the outfield was where the other field was in our infield. Yeah, yeah. The dude was just standing at second base and I started talking shit to him. Yeah.

I started saying, watch out! Alright, let's take a break. We'll be back with more questions and more Cornell after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online,

now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio,

the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments

when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you. Squarespace. And we're back. Jake and Mike got into a fist fight over the break. Clock that motherfucker, dude. That one's for Eddie.

It's my friend. I don't care. Twinnovation, for those of you who don't listen. What's the elevator pitch? This is basically like Stoner Shark Tank. Like Wayne's World meets Shark Tank. Okay, so it's you. Wayne's World meets Shark Tank is a really perfect description. I think that's how I would, Wayne's World meets Shark Tank. It's you.

The Rosenberg twins. Of course. And if you listen to our show, Jeff and Dave have both been on it. We've known, I've known them since fifth grade. Best of buds. Interesting. And three of us will pitch like a harebrained invention or scheme. Yeah.

It's also a lot of schemes, like way to like steal money from people and shit like that. Yeah, scheming and dreaming. Yeah, we'll each pitch one and then we'll hear from our listeners. And we do a lot of stories like I just went into. Yeah. I'm a bit of a rambler. What I like about the show is not only the ideas,

Jake and I have actually been on Twinnovation. Yeah, you got cooked, dude. Welcome to the trap. Welcome to the bear trap. So if you haven't listened to Twinnovation, start with our episode just to get a good taste. Yeah. But there's this sub, like a B story,

a B plot almost of you, Dave, and Jeff's love-hate relationship going on throughout. I mean, like all taking, like through the lens of the nation, the Twinnovation nation, there's three different factions. There are three factions in the group. Oh, really?

I am Mama Bear, and my faction is called the Sleuth Crew. The Sleuth is a group of bears, for those of you who don't know. And then I just put TH at the end of crew so that it would rhyme. I didn't know that Sleuth Crew was a group of bears. I didn't know you put that much thought into it. We got a lot of gear and t-shirts to claim your side.

I have a Sleuth Crew tee. You might have seen Jakey wearing it. Jake and I have never done that. Maybe we should divide and try to conquer each other like that. Like, you guys treat it like a game of Risk. Yeah, because we did play a lot of Risk growing up, actually. Oh, really? Yeah, and I think also we've known each other for like 23 years now.

And you're going to hate and love anyone you know for that long. Right, people fall in and out of favor. I almost fought Dave last week. Jeff's El Jefe. Jeff is El Jefe dave is um and the king david yeah and dave tried to start a snapchat but he actually alienated a lot of his fans he was doing like 60 second fucking snapchat we were getting emails from people on the show he's like can you tell dave to stop his story was 10 minutes long and it was like just the same exact thing yeah he hasn't snapped in a while actually i think because

he got over did it he was shamed he actually apologized to people like publicly as if he's forcing he's forcing people to watch it like why is it he just lost like that was his following so he's like i got 2000 snapchat and then everyone left because he doesn't know what to do wait so is he king david he's he's also started a church and you can go to kingdavid.guru, and it's some sort of cult that he was trying to start where you just Venmo him money, I think. You guys are almost at your one-year anniversary at this point. Yeah, we're 50 episodes in a couple weeks. Damn, yo.

Holy shit. Congrats. We got a little surprise. Don't worry, man. What's it going to be? Just don't worry, dude. We're cooking something up. We're just going to punch each other for an hour.

Full fist fight. Backyard wrestling. Live show, fist fights, wrestling. Twinnovation, check it out. Twinnovation pod on Twitter. Twinnovation pod on Twitter. Headgum.com every Friday, right? Yeah, and if you go to my Twitter, if you say something aggressive, I'll get in an argument with you.

It's kind of fun. Hell yeah. I've banished somebody from the nation sort of like unwittingly. Yeah, you had to do it. You had to go. What do you do other than the podcast? I'm all up for constructive criticism. We have like very few female listeners,

but sometimes they'll email and be like, that was a little misogynistic. We'll have like healthy conversations. Oh, that's good. This dude was just like, you guys fucking suck. It's 95% incoherent like rambling. And I was just like, fuck you, dude. And they got him to being like, you should take my opinion seriously and i was like why and he never had

a good reason for why and then he like went so deep on his twitter feed like he had a link to his art or something your art sucks like you're 200 followers and you're podunk florida town you went in yeah i got him fired from his job that's what's up what do you what do you uh what do you do besides this podcast what's what's occupying your time i work at a late night with seth meyers a little writer director over there damn yeah what uh keeping that late night sketch sketches yeah i direct all the pre-tapes really yeah i direct all the videos all of them any video you see mama bear's got her her print her prints on and how often uh are those on tv is it one a week is it they'll do one a week pretty much it's a bit of a

you know it's a lot to make a video as you guys know so it's like one a week but we can do two a week too really yeah because we only do four shows a week so who writes them anybody who writes them any writer on the staff then they deliver a script to you and you're like yeah they're like all right good luck uh yeah we'll have like big old meetings about it uh you know i'll write some it's fun it's cool what's the what's the most popular one that what came out of that uh we did a game of thrones thanks melisandre for all you got fans it was crazy i like i went to go talk to her in her dressing room and she was in full like melisandre wardrobe and she was in character but i was just like hey like thanks

again for doing the sketch um this is great and then she was just in character so she was looking into a mirror to look at me and she was like fixing her necklace and i just felt like i was in a scene jesus christ because you know just like not like looking through a mirror into someone and just like taught like it was it was really weird yeah and i was burned at the stake she punched you yeah in the face yeah there's a lot of it's fun it's a cool job yeah i'm excited for it celebs and uh uh comedy and and uh creativity congrats let's bring the let's bring the fire you community to nbc.com yeah or blue.com don't listen to twinnovation just Just go to NBC. I'd actually rather you support NBC, please. Awesome.

Do you want to answer one more question? I would be honored. I mean, we're already here, right? Yeah. Let's do it. This one, finally, from a dude. Oh, God. Thank God.

This one, let me just read it, but it reminded me of Twinnovation a lot. Can I hear the pitch first and then come up with a name? Oh, okay. I want to build a story for the man. Okay. So this is about a man who kind of got schemed and dreamed himself. Love it. Don't hate the play.

I hate the game. Hey, dudes. I'm having a mild crisis. You didn't come up with a name yet. Well, he said he wanted to do it after. If you got off your phone and paid attention. Oh, shit, dude. You would have heard me say that.

I'm trying to Instagram this photo. Do you want sorry to tag you or not i love it please tag me please tag me dude and innovation pod uh all right all right here we go hey guys i'm having a mild crisis mild crisis is a great name for our podcast basically today i was at work at domino's pizza when the manager said some kids were out front selling stuff. Now, I had quite the day thus far, so I figured I could give the kids a few bucks and be nice. However, what happened next has confused me for hours. These two kids, one large and talkative, one small and silent, were selling boxes of chocolate-covered peanut clusters, cookies, and fruit snacks.

Here's the fucked up part. The loud, talkative one said, they're one for $6, two for $12, and three for $20. Now, I'm no mathematician. I'm no mathematician, just a fucking engineer. But why would three boxes be more expensive? What kind of business model is that shouldn't it be three for 15 also one for six and two for 12 are the same fucking thing so why

mention two for 12 i ended up buying some chocolate peanut clusters for six dollars and the larger more dominant of the boys was like are you sure you don't want to buy from him too and gestured to the smaller child who definitely had a serial killer vibe i said i said i was good with just one gave the kids some cash and they were on their way i opened the box and there were six small peanut clusters far too few for my payment the chocolate on peanuts was completely melted because it was like 90 degrees in indianapolis from that point i ate in the back room and they were good, but not $6 good. I paid $4 for Girl Scout cookies last week and they lasted 20 times as long.

So here are my questions. One, why the fuck was three boxes $20 when one was six? Two, what's the deal with the smaller child? Is he going to burn my house down? I live in a townhouse and he would burn my neighbor's houses down too. Three, do you think the kids were raising money for a church or something or were they just selling me sweets for a quick cash? Four, if I

see these kids in the future, what should I do? Should I try to sell them pizzas? One for $10, two for $20, three for $35? Thanks. Love? Adam Bajardnik. Bajardnik? You forgot the best part. Oh, P.S.

The kids were black. Jesus, Adam. You maniac. I mean, those kids really, nobody in their life was like, that's bad mouth. I respect it, though. I like, yeah, it just, it sounds like a deal when you say it quickly. One for six, two for 12, or three for 20. Those are like Trader Joe prices for peanut clusters.

That's insane. But when you're buying candy from people on the street who are trying to raise money for a cause or something, it's not supposed to be cheaper. They're not undercutting the store. Yeah, they're making a profit. One for six is ridiculous oh yeah i mean it's bet i but like this guy bought it to support them it seems he didn't have like second guest himself once he like got in and ate them in a closet in shame one for six or two for 12 is really two for one for six two for 12 three for 18 nope three for 20 actually if you buy four i I'm going to give you for $24,

because I like your smile, dude. Zero price breaks. Oh, shit. They are definitely getting old chocolate bars or something weird and just microwaving it and pouring it on whatever peanuts are left. It's just one Reese's peanut butter cup that they cut into six little clusters, put into a Ziploc bag, and say it's six bucks. It seems like these are these are little twinnovation nationers I love it dude I love that shit I used to hustle dominoes too how in the day you know there's a fucking I think

I shared this with you every local dominoes this is a little taste of what you get at the every local dominoes has its own four digit coupon code every local one and if you can find that out you can go online and put that code in and get any coupon you want i was at a party and some dude was like the silver lake domino's pizza the code's like 40501 4501 what's the code like it's like it's what they put into the register when you show them a coupon okay for their computer system okay so how do you find out that four digit code you know you got to get someone on It's what they put into the register when you show them a coupon. Okay. For their computer systems. Okay. So how do you find out that four-digit code? You know, you got to get someone on the inside.

I luckily, this dude just like happened to, he was at a party. He was like, free pizza for everybody because he had codes for free pizza. Okay. So you call and you're like, put in this code? No, you go online and you put it in yourself. Oh. And then what I figured out is that either up or down for five digits is every coupon code. What do you mean up or down?

They're all sequential. It's like it's a sequential order for different coupons. Like this one's for free brownies. This one's for free cheesy bread. So it goes, what's your coupon code? And you put in like 4052? 405. If I did 40501 for a free medium pizza

with the purchase of another medium pizza, I can then go to 4502 and be like, oh, I also get a free drink and brownie bites. And you can just do this. And they caught on, dude. They started showing up and being like, can we see the we see the coupon and i would say you emailed it to me and they're like can you see and i was like no i deleted it oh so the coupons are like actual physical papers it was like enter this number i just got the code yeah i'm eating garbage from

the left and right i'm putting on 30 35 pounds pounds. I mean, two four-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, brownie bites, lasagna poppers. At this point, my cholesterol is through the roof. I had one similar scheme growing up. I only did it once because I felt kind of bad. But I bought an N64. I was deciding between two football games for N64, NFL Quarterback Club 95.

Great game. Or NFL Blitz. Gotta go Bl blitz gotta go blitz yeah right gotta go blitz so i bought quarterback club god damn it dude and uh i mean i thought it was cool because you could do like a quarterback challenge remember those like old things on espn i'm a blitz boy dude anyway i play quarterback club i don't like it uh then you gotta get those late surprise i'm trying to i'm trying to switch it up pull a switcheroo so i rent blitz from blockbuster nice i come home very nice i keep it i put quarterback club into the blitz return thing i go straight back to blockbuster and be like uh you gave me

the wrong game this game is wow this is whoa that's fucking clutch this is you gave me quarterback club they think the last person who rented it sociopath behavior that's so great somebody's face and then they're like stay right it's america dude stay right there because i know who rented this game before you and i'm gonna bring him in and i'm gonna let's both beat them up together yeah bent him over their knees this fucker did it that guy did it they bring in a 21 year old loner stoner and we both fire him together uh then i i kept that blitz i got away with it i got away i got away with it i mean i think that's a fan that's that's why that blockbuster closed and i yeah well that's why every blockbuster closed. It was a physical effect. Oh, we're giving these people,

we're trusting these people to bring our video games back. That was just a, I don't know, I should have saved that for... I mean, that's the move like when someone used to scratch your disc back in the day, you go rent it and put the, like try to clean it as best you can

and then put the scratched one in the thing. You got yourself a new game. Oh, what do you mean disc? Like the old disc that they used to have, like PS2. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. PS1. Right.

The shit gets scratched, just rent it, put your scratched one back in, keep the new one. Right, so I did that with a completely new game. That's ballsy. And to go down there

and have your act down and be like, you guys fucked up, that's really impressive. I'm really proud of you. I thought you guys were going to admonish me, but...

That was the best you ever were, man. You really think so? I respect the hustle for sure, dude. I love that. And I love you guys were going to admonish me. That was the best you ever were, man. You really think so? I respect the hustle for sure, dude. I love that. I love you guys. I actually robbed a bank once. Love it, dude. I love it, dude.

If you get away with it, I mean, I think you shouldn't even get in trouble. I sure did. I tied up the teller and I lit the whole place on fire. I love it. You got to do what you got to do. You're just going to let that teller live so he can yap his mouth to the cops? Sing like a stool pigeon? I don't think so.

So what do you think about these? I don't even know. Let's just try to answer these questions. Yeah. Why the fuck was three boxes $20 and one was six? Public school system. Oh, you think it was an accident? Yeah, I think that the public school system

is maybe letting some kids down. Why the fuck was... What's the deal with a smaller kid? Is he gonna burn my house down? Always worry about the person not making noise i like that i like that the silent one it's funny that he's like does he even know that i live in a town he could kill my goddamn neighbors too it's like an arsonist this kid's clearly not one but an arsonist probably would be excited by that it's fair if he goes after me me, but for him to hurt my neighbors like that, that's fucked up. Do you think they were raising money for a church or were they just selling me sweets for quick cash? No, dude, they're hustling, dude.

That's fucking, like, buy some snacks themselves. Also, this guy's just parted ways with six bucks. Why does he care if it goes towards a church or not? I'll pay you six bucks and never write an email like this again. Or two for 12. If I see these kids in the future what should i do um not buy snacks from them but like just give them a nod and be like that's what's up yeah but maybe check out the selection to see what they got it seems like they're at least trying to go

gourmet because peanut clusters is not a normal thing yeah maybe work out some type of thing like free pizza for free candy he gets fired from dominoes barter system he becomes the third child silenter than the last i think you just dap him up and you've learned they hustled you and that's fine you can't get mad at that but you just gotta dap him up and not buy any more snacks from him there we go dap him up dap him up respect the hustle don't get hustled again carnell thanks for coming on the show thanks for having me boys you did great lovely it's lovely to be back in los angeles with you guys. Yeah.

Wow. What a pleasure. Yeah. I moved right when you moved. Here, I moved away. That was not okay. It got fucked up. We had a good thing going.

We were playing b-ball, getting in shape. We were playing. We played a lot of ball. Actually, that's what sort of set off my back problems to this day. It's the last game I played with you. We used to play with like a six foot five, like 300 pounds. Remember that dude? He was like Shaq. Yeah, he's a was like shack boy yeah i had the game of my life because i was just lobbing shit up to him just like get it dude throwing it you look like ty loo in 2001

all right uh twinnovation podcast on the head gum network check it out we're almost at episode 50 we got a little treat for all the people on episode 50 hopefully unless we don't get it organized in time try to catch up which case it'll be a normal episode uh if you have those are a treat uh if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions that email address for everything is if i were you show at gmail.com yeah much like gav at the top of the show and john at the end of the show uh who wrote this uh song uh before we go yeah the guru will get on me if i say hey you want to submit some schemes like that Domino scheme or

Amir scheme? Send them to ideas at twinnovation.pod. We'll read them on the cast and maybe you get on the show, dude. I love that. That's a little plug. Dave would have been really mad if I didn't plug the pod, dude. You're allowed to plug whatever you want. Anything else? Shit. Well, Lake Tahoe, dude.

Oh, yeah. Me and Mikey going to tahoe today tahoe i don't know this this show is going to come out after that like that's fine dude just know just check the gram for all of the so no if you're listening mike and jake went to tahoe we're actually still in tahoe because this comes out on monday and we're coming back on tuesday great yeah okay so we have four this is coming out on the fourth of july happy birthday america yeah me and mike love it hang on on a lake right now. Love that. All right, cool.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next Monday. Peace. You seem to find the dark when everything is bright. You look for all that's wrong instead of all that's right Does it feel good to you To rain on my parade You never say a word

Unless it's to complain It's driving me insane If I were you Holding the world right in my hands The first thing I'd do Is set the stars for all that I have If I were you look what's around you now more than you ever dreamed

have you forgotten just how hard it used to be? So what's it going to take for you to realize It all could go away in one blink of an eye It happens all the time If I were you Holding the world right in my hands The first thing I'd do Is thank the stars above

To the ones I love that I do Yeah, if I were you Yeah, if I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you So what's it going to take For you to realize It all could go away In one blink of an eye

It happens all the time If I were you Holding the world right in my hands The first thing I'd do Is thank the stars above for the ones I love. Take a breath and enjoy the view. Live the life that I had wanted to do If I were you If I were you If I were you