Segments - 224: Role Play (Live in LA!)

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

In this episode we discuss belly button lint, STD's, and kissing your mother, live at Resident in Downtown LA! This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and BlueApron. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Jake and Amir! Oh, I don't need your leave. Jake and Amir! How are you guys doing? Very exciting.

This is a really intimate show. This is like that unplugged shit they tell you about. Yeah, yeah, this is super intimate. Yeah, unplugged but with microphones that are plugged. That's true, yeah. Who here has been to one of our live shows before? Cool. Who here is first time? Oh.

That's about half of you guys. Yeah. Time to peace, actually. Really? Yeah, this is for everybody that's already been here. They're sort of like hardcore fans. That's a bad rule. Yeah. That's true. I usually walk half the shows this way.

Yeah. It's a... It eliminates any signs of growth. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So you know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you still want it to happen. Me and my half of the fans here, we really want those folks out. What if for those of you listening at home, this is their first show, they're checking out the podcast,

they hear good things, they're interested, should they keep listening according to you? Fuck off, dude. We all about that. Hashtag Brexit. Close the borders. What? I'm serious.

We are a sovereign nation. If I were you, we want those other fuckers out of here. Which other fuckers? Who said yeah? Because you're a low-key asshole. I was doing a bit, but you're actually bad. A low-key asshole in a high-key world. Thank you. So for those of you who don't know, this is If I Were You.

It's an advice show, an advice podcast. People will email us, and they're seeking our guidance, our wisdom. We usually record this alone, scared, naked, afraid, cold, freezing cold in our studio. Yeah, that's true. But sometimes we do live shows,

just like this one, in front of all of our new friends and family. So thank you guys so much for coming and supporting the show. Thank you. Guys, thank you for supporting live theater. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's such an honor. Take a bow. Absolutely. Absolutely. Take a bow.

Of course. You're a thespian. I'm a thespian. I'm a lesbian. I'm an artist. You have a musical theater background and it's so awesome to exercise in. And namaste to you. Yes, absolutely. Likewise. I, too, am a thespian. I, too, am an actor, a student of the stage.

We can sing, we can dance. We'll do none of that. Actually, would you dance? What? Would you care to dance? Oh, I don't know if we have... Really? Do you guys...

They want to see it. They're a supportive crowd. I mean, I guess I could try. Hey, DJ, hit it. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hateful vitriol. What? My God, that was, that was grotesque.

Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! I don't quite understand the logic we're from booing Amir during the dance and just chanting my name afterwards. I mean I'll take it.

I like it. She couldn't help but cheer, though. Yeah. You guys were correct. I didn't know if booing or cheering would be funny, and we got a little bit of both. I also don't know what would be good. I guess cheering because they booed me. We don't have to write this right now. Let's start the question and answer part of the show.

Are you guys okay if we answer a little bit of questions in front of you? Yeah. Okay. This is a little unwieldy. One second. Oh, yeah. Oh?

Have you guys heard my Tim Allen impression? Oh? Nice! That's Zachary Ty Bryant, so it actually means a lot to him. Richard Karn in the house. Who is Richard Karn? He plays Al Borland. Oh, you know he died recently.

No, that was Wilson. Still. So these are real emails from real people that we received over the last, let's say, 41 months. But we need fake names. Fake names to preserve their anonymity. What's the one you heard? I actually heard John Wolf.

And this is the first audience that didn't yell Crandus super, super loud in my face. I guess it already came up. Crandus, you feeling a little lazy? You feel like a little complacent? You got the front row? I feel you. Okay. John Wolfe, himself. For himself.

Right. Cheers. Oh, thank you. No, I just feel like you've been my best friend for a long time and I just want to acknowledge that in front of everybody. Thank you so much. John Wolf. Right. Well, it doesn't actually mean anything if you don't click my glass.

So let's click glasses. Click. Well, that wasn't your glass. It's right over there. And I fear if you don't, then I'll fall into a deep dark depression. You already are in that, but I will... Light's getting bright and hot. Are you my best friend?

What's that? Are you my best friend? I said it into a microphone. You should be able to hear it. I am. Are you my best friend in the world?? Are you my best friend? I said it into a microphone. You should be able to hear it. Are you my best friend in the world? We definitely top eight for sure, dude. Top eight? You're my MySpace top eight. Yeah, that's huge. And my T-Mobile top five.

We're in the top eight because there's so many. I hate to rank it this early in the game, but you're single digits and I think you should be proud of that. That's really cool. Toda. That's really cool. Toda Rabah. I'll drink to that John Wolf writes Hey guys, long time fan, first time needing your advice So let me cut to the chase I recently have entered into a relationship

With a god damn dime A ten cent piece if you will The first person I actually care about More than myself Things were going very swimmingly Until we both tested positive for chlamydia A 10 cent piece, if you will. The first person I actually care about more than myself. Things were going very swimmingly until we both tested positive for chlamydia. Yeah, I know probably the wrong way around to do things. Anyway, she has heaped all the blame squarely on herself

and assumes that she got it from a previous partner who cheated on her. When she tearfully told me, she automatically thought I was going to break up with her. Of course I didn't, and being the cowardly hero I am means that I have been somewhat conservative when it comes to the truth about my sexual past, saying that there is no way it could have

come from me. That being said, there is in fact a distinct possibility that she may have well actually gotten it from me. I would say 80% chance. Hi. It's a lot.

If you were me, would you let these sleeping dogs lie and leave her to accept the blame, making me look like the humble, supportive boyfriend and only have to deal with the guilt? Or do I come clean and let her know that maybe it wasn't her fault and risk her dumping my charlatan ass?

Yeah. Who knew that you can get an STD from someone who doesn't have open sores? Planned Parenthood called me out on that shit. Tata in advance for the advice. Thank you, John Wolf. Let's give it up for Johnny Wolf. Jake Dubs.

So he gave his girlfriend chlamydia and she thought that she gave it to him Jake Dubs. So he gave his girlfriend chlamydia, and she thought that she gave it to him, and then he... I really like the term cowardly hero. Yeah. It's nice. It's an oxymoron for sure. And he...

When he says conservative about my sexual past, he means lying about his sexual past. As a conservative would. Yeah. I feel like there's... He said, let a sleeping dog lie. Like he didn't construct this reality. He made the dog.

Yeah. He trained the dog to lie. Does he mean lay down or to actually not tell the truth? Because I read it as both. That's actually really fucking cool. That I think that or that he read it out. Yeah, that's pretty artsy. That's beautiful.

Thank you, I guess. Dual meaning. Poetic, frankly. Appreciate it. Yeah. What else you got? I don't have anything. Okay.

What would you do if you were him? Would you let a sleeping dog fib? Yeah, you know what? I feel like I might, for the good of the relationship, say, you know, who knows who gave who chlamydia? We both have it. We both are curing it. This is a silly little version of the past. I fucked a lot of people.

Wait, what was that last part? I love you to pieces. Thank God. I thought you said something else. And I think that, you know, they're both... Chlamydia is one of the curable ones. Is that right? I got the whole gamut, so chlamydia doesn't really...

Who here has had chlamydia, actually? By a show of clap. I never copped that one. Yeah, they're not like the new Yeezys. You don't cop diseases. They're like... They're Pokemon. Yeah.

You try to collect them all. Did you get the new Dizzies? Yay! Yeah, Kanye sponsored a line of diseases. They're called... That's actually racist. What? Yeah.

I've been so much more racist in the past. You've encouraged it. All leading up to this moment where I could call you out on stage. That's something, I don't know, kind of a gray area more than anything else she's the first person I care about more than myself

I would say that's a lie because he's considering lying to her yeah, yeah, yeah you're still caring a lot about yourself I care about her so much I'm willing to make her feel awful even though it's my fault he assigned himself

a little bit of a hardship. He's like, I have to deal with the guilt. Not the guilt of lying to her about this. The guilt of her thinking that she did it. This is really hard for you, buddy. First of all, I just feel like everybody sort of skirted the question

when I asked who had chlamydia. Of course. What an intimate, personal detail to offer up in a last year. Because everyone that didn't have it is, of course, not going to clap, right? Of course. And then everybody that did have it is, what, just like a little bit ashamed? Yeah.

What I can do is sort of gauge the facial reactions in the room like a poker player. Who's not trying to make eye contact? Yeah, who's tensing up? This guy's trying to make eye contact with me too much. Too much. He has chlamydia right now. He's drinking it.

I can see... What? It's a drink name. Really? Yeah, it's clam juice. Midol? Yeah, Midol. Clam juice, Midol, and of course Jägermeister. Oh, clam juice, Midol. Mm-hmm. Clam juice, Midol, and of course... And of course... Jägermeister.

Oh, clam juice, Midol, and Jägermeister. For cramps. Chlamydium. Don't get that. Do not get that joke, is what I meant. Or the drink. Don't laugh. You guys are doing great.

So you're saying there's a way to fake take some of the blame. Hey, maybe it could have been me. That way you're not lying. He doesn't know for sure. Who actually knows? And I think that's more something that he could say rather than lie and say, it's definitely not from me.

You gave me chlamydia. What he should do is flip a coin and get fucking livid if it lands on her. Heads, I gave it to you tails you gave it to me flip it either way one of us tails yeah it lands on heads but he lets it slide off the back of his hand onto the floor and then he puts his shoe over it and then so only he can see it yeah and then it's heads and he's like it doesn't matter it doesn't matter you slut it's tails like you gave your tail up to that boy.

Sorry, where did we land on it? Flip a coin and decide who gave who an STD? No, I think if he's uncertain in any level, in any regard, he's still, even 80%. He's not certain. Yeah, he's not certain. That is uncertainty. That is with reasonable doubt. Let me mansplain that shit.

Ladies. He can say, listen, like you said, I don't know who gave who what. I'm not mad at you. You're not mad at me. We are both peeing lots of discharge. You know, why are we going to be angry with each other? Our genitals

are spewing Spum and it doesn't Look or feel good for anybody I've never had chlamydia Am I sort of nailing the symptoms on the head here? An itching burning sensation? Would you guys say that's correct? Yeah

You fucking didn't clap though! There we go! This guy gave everyone here chlamydia Of course it's an itching burning. What else could it be? I feel like there's a discharge. If you don't itch and you don't burn... There's definitely a discharge. Is it a dishonorable discharge?

It is an honorable discharge. It comes out saluting. Little discharged. Have you ever had a discharge in any capacity well isn't semen is sort of a discharge okay have you ever had a negative discharge in any capacity I don't quite understand what you're at I had an ear infection what I did was have an ear infection once and a liquid the one disease you don't get sexually you have an ear, then you never are fucking anybody.

And it's not a good feeling, is what I would say. I don't even know how your body creates these liquids that shouldn't exist. Sorry, how old were you when you had your infection? Oh, I was way young. Maybe 31, 32. I was really, really... It was years ago. I was older than everybody in this room.

I had like an ingrown hair on my leg once. Does that count? It does not actually. All right. Yeah, that's a completely different answer to a question I didn't ask. Yeah, all right. I also have genital herpes, so. That's closer.

That's closer to it So I think we agree on this Let her know that there's a possibility it might have been you That way you're not lying, you're not taking full credit for the blame That's literally the least you can do What we should be saying is be a man and admit it And we're too wieners to even say that as advice Not necessarily him

Do you guys mind if I take off my shirt? I actually do mind I was hoping for the out. Oh. Oh. Open source. Oh, God. It's really hot up here. So much discharge.

So just in case I want to edit in some good advice that will make me seem very honorable and courageous, just tell her what you think. How about being honest for once? Tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.

Let her know that you're for real. You guys can applaud. That's fine. They knew they could applaud. I just didn't know if you felt like, yeah, we won't edit out the applause. We'll leave it in. So next time I sing a Billy Joel song, just feel free to really go if shit. Just like really, yeah, yeah.

They know that they can go if shit. No, I just wanted to make sure that everybody. The reason they didn't is not because they didn't think the options on the bill. Up, Tim, girl. Yeah. All right, that's actually a little too much. Yeah, it rings false. Split the difference. All right, we need another a little too much. Yeah, it rings false. Split the difference.

All right, we need another question. Another lady's name. Sarah. Pocahontas. Pocahontas? Pocahontas. What did you say? He's getting shy.

He said pocahontas something. Pocahontas? Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Oh, grow up. Poker Anus, right? Poker Anus. It's actually pretty funny.

I just got the butthole reference now, but tread lightly. Give me your phone. We're calling your father. We are. We are. He doesn't speak English? Good. A proud immigrant raising a son to work hard in America You're sitting in the front row

At a fucking dumbass comedy show Poker anus He's a doctor for Christ's sake Alright Poker anus rights My husband and I recently moved in with his parents a few months ago to save some cash. My husband's parents are so

nice. They're the kindest people we could be roomies with. There are absolutely no issues so far. Except for one. A couple years ago, my mother-in-law began this strange habit of kissing my husband on the mouth. Hand?

Excuse me, it's a reflex. My husband said she never used to do it when he was growing up, but he has now noticed that she goes for the lips whenever she kisses him hello or goodbye. Wow. Since we moved in, she gives us both a kiss every night before we go to bed. She always kisses me on the cheek or

forehead or pussy. I made that part up. She always kisses me on the cheek or forehead or pussy. Didn't make it up that time. She always kisses me on the cheek or pussy. Just kidding again. She always kisses me on the cheek or forehead or pussy. One last time and then I'm done. She always kisses me on the cheek or forehead or pussy. Just kidding again. She always kisses me on the cheek or forehead or pussy one last time and then I'm done. She always kisses me on the cheek or forehead

pussy. But when she goes to kiss my husband well, she goes for his mouth. He finds it very weird and has made efforts to turn his face away so that she can't reach his mouth. But nevertheless, she preempts his movements and finds her't reach his mouth. But nevertheless, she preempts his movements

and finds her way to his mouth, pursing her lips as she comes in for the kill. She has a very loving look in her eyes when she does it too. What do you guys think about this? I grew up thinking that kisses on the mouth were for sexual partners only. It's so creepy for me.

Her top lip is kind of hairy as well. I don't like the idea of kissing my husband knowing that his mother has recently been there. How do I get her to stop without making things awkward or hurting her feelings? My husband won't do a thing about it because he doesn't want to upset her and thinks upsetting her

is worse than getting the kiss. He tells me he doesn't enjoy it, but now I'm starting to wonder. We still have to live with them for another 18 months. Any advice would help. Thank you so much. Love the show. Cheers. Love. Poke her anus. Let's give it up for Poke Her Anus.

Poke Her Anus. You can relate to this. You French your mother. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You better backpedal that statement right now, motherfucker. I was just kidding. Yeah, yeah, you were just kidding? Yeah, I thought I'd get a laugh.

There's nothing funny about it. My mother is a queen. She is a deity. She's a god. Anybody laughing at the fact that I might kiss my mother can exit stage right, right now. That's there. Yeah?

In that-a-way, motherfuckers. Kiss my mother. I should be so lucky. So you want to. I don't want to. But you should. There's some alternate universe where it'd be fine. And not that I'm interested in it happening, I'm just

saying if... I'm gonna quit right there. Before I get into some strange Oedipus thing. Have you... First-hand experience, have you ever kissed your mommy or daddy? Have I kissed my mother on the fucking lips? With that

mouth? Recently? Recently? I guess, is that a thing that your family did? When I was growing up, my mom would kiss us on the forehead before bed, and my dad would finger us hard.

Wait, let him finish. We don't know where. It could be fine. In the ass. Okay, that's what we We don't know where. It could be fine. Yeah. In the ass. Okay, that's what we were all thinking, unfortunately. Butthole or cheek. I guess it doesn't matter.

Either way is not okay. But we were a hugging family. We would hug, like, anytime anybody left a room, and our dad would stick a little finger in it. What about you, man? We didn't do the kiss, but I did see some daddies and daughters give the little kissy-poo on the old lipperoo. The old, how do you do?

Just a little peck. A casual first date ending. It's casual, it's friendly, it's fun. I don't know if they're from Denmark or whatever. I don't want to place the blame on the Danes, but doesn't it feel like this is what you do in Denmark? I've never been to Denmark. I don't know anything about it, but doesn't it feel like if is what you do in Denmark? I've never been to Denmark. I don't know anything about it.

But doesn't it feel like if you saw it in Denmark, you'd be like, that makes sense. Is anyone here Danish? Same guy that had chlamydia? Yeah, he got it in Co-op in Hagen. But I have seen that. That is a thing. People kissing. I often kiss my Aunt Allison on the lips. Okay.

How old is she? I don't know That's awesome dude That's really cool man Alright thanks No no I do appreciate you telling us that Can I get dab for that? What?

Can I get dab for that? Yeah I said that's awesome That's dabs Cool dude Do you wanna Yeah yeah yeah What's that's awesome, that's dabs. Cool, dude. Do you want to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that? Can we touch hands?

Touch hands? Yeah, I'll feel validated if you slap my hand. Oh, like if I gave you a high five? Yeah. What was that? You're leaning in for it.

Kiss on the lips or whatever. What? Either we kiss on the lips or you slap my hand. Let's do that. Kiss! Kiss!

It's been too long since we kissed each other on the lips. I'll give you the slap, man. I don't want it anymore. That offer is gone, baby, gone. And if you don't accept the kiss in the next three seconds... It's escalated.

Either we French or you blow me. I want to do none of the above. You've seen it. You've experienced this in the past. Well, actually, recently... Do you guys mind if we tell you guys a personal anecdote? Our parents met for the first time recently. My beautiful mother

and my troll father came to Los Angeles I honestly thought for the first appetizers in main course that your dad was the candle on the table I really thought he was the candle yeah yeah your mom almost ate him

thinking he was a sweet potato I really thought he was a Jake's dad does honestly look like a yam on a plate. He's a yam. He looks like a yam on a plate. He's a yam of a man. He really is. No, my father is a little Hebrew Jew coward.

A small, small, minuscule man that you look through a microscope and you say, is that a fucking guy or what? What a bad scientist. Learn the words. We gave you a microscope. You have the equipment.

Just like figure out what the things are called. Are you really a scientist? Because this is your first day here. And you are wearing a Starbucks apron. You're sure you're a scientist? This is a guy and you are wearing a Starbucks apron. You're sure you're a scientist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a guy and you want a grande,

unsweetened latte. Nice coffee, yeah. Anyway, we met up with Amir's two parents. How would you describe your parents? My dad is a jovial Israeli doctor. Favorable description. Very stylish guy. My mother is a classic Jewish mom,

very caring, overbearing, big personality, contagious. Contagious? Yeah. She always has aagious? Yeah. She always has a chest cold. Yeah. And then, yeah,

when our parents said goodbye. Everyone's hugging. I hugged Amir's mother. I hugged Amir's father. I hugged my own father. My mother kissed Amir's father on the lips. Not her. That's my fucking mother.

It was an interesting moment indeed because I think your mom thought my dad had foreign customs because he has an accent. And your dad thought my mom was a whore. Is that what you're trying to say? But it happened and we both stared at each other like, holy shit.

Are we brothers now for that? Did it happen? It really did. But this was like, I don't know, okay. Yeah, they didn't know. They were trying to like deke each other out. It's like, have you ever tried to walk by someone and they start going, you go the other and then you French on the sidewalk? Yeah. The crazy thing

is that both of our other parents missed it. Yeah. Only we saw it. It was like an eclipse. Yeah. I was wearing sunglasses so that the vision didn't burn my retina. It was a total eclipse. Anyway, sorry. We got off track a little bit. What's happening? This guy's mom is kissing him

before bed. Yeah, on the lips. I think I would be like this guy and be like, I don't want upset my mother yeah the kiss is bad but it's not as bad as sitting my mommy down and telling her not to kiss me and also let's look at the converse right there because they are living in the mom's house so like the mom's doing you a real solid the rent you pay is that she's gonna sort of like face kiss your husband. Free rent, the tax is Frenching your fucking husband in front of you. And she probably does it as a power play, being like, you can't afford rent? Oh, yeah. Oh, you like that?

You like that like a roof over your head? Is what I would do. Yeah. No, I think that we answered that. But what would you advise this lady? She can't say anything. She can't say anything. I think they sort of have to one-up each other, right?

So the mom kisses the husband, and then she's like, oh yeah, good night, and then she kisses the husband really, really deep. Oh, shit. And the mom is like, oh yeah, I hope you guys sleep really well. And then she sort of grinds on him a little bit. And she's like, oh, we will.

This is awesome. And then she just licks the tip of his dick. And then she sort of like grinds on him a little bit. And she's like, oh, we will. And then she just like licks the tip of his dick. And then what? And then the mom is all like, oh yeah, you guys don't let the bed bugs bite. And then she gets on it and she just starts riding him. Riding him.

Oh man, this is so fucking dumb. What the hell are you guys watching right now? Yeah, this is your fault. You started this. It's easy to place the incestuous blame on other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, where were you? I was going to have a three-way with my fucking mom.

I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. I apologize. Don't mention anything. Yeah. Because otherwise you might accidentally have a threesome with your mother-in-law. That's possible. It is possible.

80% would you say? Yeah. All right, let's enter another queue. How about we get the name of a lady. Sandy! Sandwich! Sandwich?

Sandwich? Sandwich. Just to be sure, you yelled sandwich as a name for a person. Alright. Sandwich. Surge? Surge, man. as a name for a person. All right. Send, search, search, man. They gotta fucking connect

four here, dude. I wanna play with you, man. Quit letting me win, dude. Dude, let's do a fucking Ouija board, man. Now you move the fucking board, search man? I'm just like a fucking ghoul, dude. Dude, I wanna connect with my passed away father, man. Sandwich writes,

How's it going, dudes? You're the best, but you already know that. I've written want to connect with my passed away father, man. Sandwich writes, how's it going, dudes? You're the best, but you already know that. I've written to you guys before, but this time I really need your help. My BF and I have been together for about two years, and it's pretty great. He is my best friend, and we have a fantastic sex life. Does somebody want to say hen?

Appreciate that. We both realized recently, however, that we both sort of missed the way it was in the beginning of the relationship when things were new and exciting. I have an idea. Sorry, I had an idea. That he and I could role play together,

spice things up, you know? So my idea was that I could play a different girl and he would play himself. We could meet at a bar or a restaurant and act like it was the first date. The catch is that it would be clear that he would be fake cheating on me and that he would play it out

like a scandalous affair. Hot, right? Somebody's coming already. I got a wig and a brand new pair of stilettos. Yeah, dude. Is this hot? I made a fake Insta account,

added him, and started flirting to set the mood. I haven't had sex in a month and a half. I'm trying to get more followers, babe. The problem, however,

is that although he knows what's going on, I cannot get this dude to play along. I'm doing everything I can to turn him on, and although it's working out for my benefit in real life, he's not taking the bait.

I really want to do this, and it is honestly something I've wanted for a while, but I feel like breaking character would ruin it, and I don't know how else to get him in the mood. The most frustrating part about it all is that I know he tried to actually cheat on me early on in our relationship. I'm keeping things fresh and exciting.

A little reciprocation would be nice, huh? Any advice? Love Sandwich. Let's go to Sandwich. Sorry, I feel like I'm ignoring you guys. Ooh. You good? Sorry, I feel like I'm ignoring you guys. Sorry. Ro. Oh. Yeah. You good? Sorry. I feel like I'm ignoring you guys. Sorry.

Hey. Role playing. Thoughts. I think there's nothing less attractive. Hell yeah. Than role playing. It's sort of like admitting defeat. Isn't it?

It's like we're not sexy anymore. Let me pretend to be somebody else. But it's so like transparent. The thing is I think you're a comedian. So you see you see through the bullshit right you're like i'm an actor i don't even like to do dirty talk yeah that's sort of the the the the one percent of the weight of his role playing is dirty talk because you're like oh i'm pretending i'm sort of like a sexy dirty talker. Yeah. Yeah, that's my character. How would you dirty talk to a... A honey?

I wouldn't have necessarily said honey, but sure. I'd be like, yeah, dude, er, lady. I would say dude or lady, and then she'd be like, whoa, is this guy bi? That's pretty hot. That is hot. So I'd be like, dude or lady I'm not bi because that clarifies

that eliminates that miscommunication. Alright. This is I'm still speaking to her. I'm not so yeah dude lady sorry I'm not bi

that would clarify the miscommunication. Are you touching her at this point or are you like standing in the corner of the room? This is my icebreaker line.

Oh this is you going up to somebody at a bar. So you'll say yeah dude or lady. I'm not bi. Sorry about the miscommunication. If she hasn't maced me yet. Yes.

Which has yet to happen. So, sorry, just quick clarification. You do dirty talk as a pickup line? And vice versa. So in bed, I'll pretend like I'm breaking the ice Oh yes Like Oh do you come here often

Yeah Point it to my mouth Um Oh yeah Who was the scattered applause That's correct Was it poke your anus That makes a lot of sense

Yeah she was clapping With her anus Make it clap Uh Uh Dirty talk Role playing Oh So if this girl Can't get her boyfriend with her anus. Make it clap. Dirty talk, role playing.

Oh, so if this girl can't get her boyfriend to play along, what happens then? She's going too far. Why did she set up an Instagram? She's like, she got it verified.

Isn't that insane? She's like, oh, and I also did, yeah, I went to Bank of America. I set up a new bank account. I took out a credit card

at American Express, just the green one, you know, but whatever. I'm just trying to be like this different person. I found the a credit card at American Express, just the green one, you know, but whatever. I'm just trying to be like this different person. I found the name of someone who died on September 11th, and I sort of assumed their identity. Jesus. That's so hot. That's hot.

Like, she does, like, why does it have to leave the bedroom? Isn't it just in the moment? Isn't that supposed to be when the role play is? I think there's role playing in the moment which is like, oh, I'm leaving my shoes on. And then there's fucking... What's hotter than that?

It's like the opposite. Brand new pair of stilettos. That's right. I guess he never got the memo. Yeah. The opposite of taking your shoes off when you enter a house. So you get your shoes really muddy and then you're still in bed with them. How forbidden is that fruit? This is, I'm still talking to the girl.

So how forbidden is that? Having sex with somebody with their shoes on would be so stressful. Really? For who? I have a white duvet. Loser! Get a gray duvet. White shows stains, idiot. That's a good pickup line, actually.

Hi, I have a gray duvet. You can leave those on. What? Huh? I can't hear you. Do you like this new Kanye? What? No, I'm gonna go throw up. We were just in New Orleans

and remember the pickup line that I thought of? Yeah. I have a hard time approaching ladies. I don't know what to say originally, going from zero

to conversation. I'm pretty good while talking to them. I just need the initial thrust. So in my drunken state, I thought of a good one. And that was... I'll be the girl. Okay. girl okay and i all right let's

loud bar me you don't know who i am so it's like why is this shiny squirrel approaching me at a bar we're in new orleans by the way. Just setting the scene. Beats. Hey, do you know what city this is? Hey, you fucking kike boy. Do you know what city we're in? You little fucking... And now we're talking. We just need the original question. What city is this?

That's interesting. Why is he asking me this? So I tried it, and the lady's like, I don't know, New Orleans? And I'm like, New Orleans? New Orleans?

Two words? Like I was a caveman on Frozen for the first time ever. Yeah, New Orleans. Do you not know where you're from? No, I know where I'm from.

I'm from California. Where are you from? I'm from California. And suddenly, we're off to the races. It's just about the original question. Amir was placed under arrest

later that night for charges completely unrelated. Unrelated. Unrelated. Unrelated. Yeah, unrelated. Unrelated.

That's the name of our new podcast. It's called Unrelated. It's boring. Oh, yeah, now we're settled in. What did she ask? Oh, can you get somebody to role play? There's nothing sadder than an unrequited role play. Yeah, when like the fire of the romance is completely out

and you're sort of like poking around at the embers in a wig. Yeah, it's just when the efforts don't match. That's not an okay place to be. Like, I'm giving so much, you're not even giving minimal, and then I feel bad. Can you imagine her breaking character,

like, in a wig, taking it off? Like, play along, fucker! Anyway, my name is Regina! Oh, God. Can I have the risotto with mushrooms? You don't like mushrooms. No, Regina does! But you're allergic.

But I'm role-playing! It's fucking hives breaking out of her face. Regina loves mushrooms. We have to go to the ER, baby. Regina has an EpiPen. I'm afraid you can't force somebody to care. You can ask. somebody to care. You can ask, you can request, you can try,

but you can't force effort. Effort has to be intrinsic from the inside out. He has to see you trying and say, okay, I want to try too. I don't want to leave her, my girlfriend, in a fucking wig and stilettos, naked from in between at an olive garden because that's where the date is. Really hot by the way.

If he doesn't do that much I don't know. It might be game over. Which is kind of a sad realization. But also kind of nice because whoever you fuck next is just going to be into your regular hair and your regular shoes.

So that could role play so deep that you actually break up with your boyfriend in character. If you pretend to be somebody with confidence and self-worth, you'll actually break up with your boyfriend. That's your character. You'll fuck someone and be happy and then he'll fuck someone new and that actually turns him on. So really, this is the circle of life. You guys should break up and fuck different people.

Did we just break? Yeah, yeah, that's correct. That's the ultimate role play. That's correct. And that's the role play they should be doing. Let's give it up for the question asker, Sandwich Man. We should take a break.

If you're listening at home, we're going to stop for a few seconds to thank some sponsors. Maybe Naturebox, maybe Squarespace. Who knows? It's all fair game in the world of magic podcast advertising. But as for you guys, we'll stick around. Let's get a round of applause as we go to commercial break. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free

trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. I know it's a work night, but who has time for one more question and answer? Yeah, shit. Thanks for coming out

on a Monday, everybody. Yeah, thank you so much. What a unique night for a comedy show. A Monday night. But why the hell not? Let's get one last male cue. Oh no, it's

a female name. We should do Crandus. We gotta keep the Crandus streak going. Did someone say Crandus? Fennel? Are you the same guy that said sandwich? You're just naming hungry.

Aeoli. Aeoli? Are you the same guy that said sandwich? You're just naming fucking food. I'm just hungry. Aioli. Huh? Aioli? Are you guys saying aioli or do you say... No, this guy's ordering... This guy's ordering food really loudly. Sandwich with fennel. What a bad sandwich, you guys.

Yeah, just a fennel sandwich. Fennel aioli. Some star anise. Panini press it, though. Who's writing this? Ah, fuck, Jesus. Vinyl. Vinyl.

Vinyl? Vinyl. Vinyl? Vinyl. Vinyl? Vinyl. Anything I said would have been fine. You should have just said yes to fennel.

Yes. We got to vinil? Yes. Vinyl is correct? Yes, sir. I like vinil. Vinyl. Vinyl is correct? I like Vinyl. Vinyl is spelled like vinyl. Who writes?

I respect you so much for fucking committing to Vinyl. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. Nice. Sorry. Wayne's world. Yale educated. You didn't actually go...

I did go to Yale. You didn't't actually go... I did go to Yale. You didn't study at Yale. I did study at Yale. Are you lying to me or are you lying to yourself right now? What are you talking about? You didn't study at Yale. I studied at Yale. You did not.

I brought a fucking book to Yale and I read it there. Yeah, I did. Okay. Did you apply to Yale University? Did I go there? Yes, I did. I did go there. Did you...

Sorry, what are you... I resent the implication. I went go there. I resent the implication. I went to Yale. I studied at Yale. I'm a Yale kid. Did you graduate from Yale? I'm Ivy League material here. Material or educated? Educated.

You're finding a loophole and I can't quite notice it yet. But I don't want to waste more time trying to figure out what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to Yale, yeah. You read a book at Yale campus. You bought a hat. I read a separate piece at Yale University

at a Starbucks on Chapel. Yeah, I did, so. All right. Phineas got fucked over. Fennel, right. She wooed to Finley's? Go. The other night, my boyfriend, who was visiting for the weekend,

was laying on the couch, and his shirt was above his belly button, exposing something that looked like a bluish green inside of it. It caught my eye, and when I reached for said belly button, he flicked my hand away quickly and pulled his shirt back down. I asked him what the fuck that was, and he gave me an intense eye that said, I will tell you later when we're alone. My sister was in the room with us watching TV. I couldn't wait. I had to know immediately.

So I texted him. I said, seriously, what the fuck is that? He responded by saying, please don't embarrass me, it's lint. We can talk about it when your sister leaves. He left that as a voice memo. He didn't really. So finally my sister leaves,

and I lift up his shirt to see what I saw, and it was, excuse me as I'm dry heaving while I type this, just a huge fucking blue clump of God knows what was chilling out in there. I told him that he would not be sleeping in my bed or anywhere remotely near me if he didn't let me clean it out. So like a good girlfriend, I forced him to lay down,

and I went in with some Q-tips. The piece of belly button lint was attached and I started crying from disgust and adrenaline. I finally got it out with a Q-tip chopstick style. I finally got it out with a Q-tips chopstick style and after a few forceful tugs, and as I was crying, he was laughing hysterically. Afterwards, we both calmed down. He told me that he was disappointed in me. Yeah.

I'm not sad or upset. Frankly. I mean, what the fuck? There's still like 30% of the shit in there literally fused to his skin and I can't look at him the same way knowing that there's this disgusting belly button lint lodged inside him. I have a right

to be absolutely disgusted, right? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Love, Vinyl. Let's give it up for Vinyl. Where do you land on the belly button lint V not debate? Do you have lint? I don't ever have lint. I don't know why.

I don't have lint that needs to be extracted to, like, with surgery. I don't understand what it is. It's like... It's like... Is it clothing? Cotton? Is it clothing, Cotton Master? What ails your button on the belly, sir?

Can I extract it? Get away from me, man. Get away from here. I don't know you. Galian man. Well, I mean Who has a problem With their belly button

To this extent Anybody Is it A bigger person problem Where there's a deeper cavity And then things get lost Deep within And then you don't see it

Until it's filled up All the way to the surface And then by the time You see that You're clumping it You're clumping out And Is it like Tearing open a fucking teddy bear?

Like, how much are we talking? Like presents on Christmas morning, I imagine. It's weird that he says, I'm disappointed in you. Yeah, laughing hysterically, she's grossed out. I'm disappointed in you. I know we had a... Poor shame. We had a pretty fucking cute Annie Hall moment,

but now that that's over, I think I'm disappointed in you. Everybody has their things that they're grossed out of that goes beyond the scope of normal. I have that kind of thing. Not with belly button lint. What are you grossed out by? Septum rings

I think they're kind of awful I think I wouldn't want to touch one That would gross me out Oh that's a fun idea Does anybody here have a septum ring? Great Wait a second Nobody?

I mean, nobody wants to say so now. Well, you don't get to come on stage and Amir gets to touch it. I'm in the minority, I feel like, but everyone has their thing. Can someone go out and get their septum pierced really quick? Do you have a thing that grosses you out that's sort of out of the ordinary?

Popping zits on backs? I don't know. No, but like having somebody open up to me about something that they're... Oh, you mean like an honest discourse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like fucking foul. Like if somebody was like, oh, I always

wanted to be a singer, can I show you my voice? I would be like, that would be like, oh, that's so... Fucking... Yeah, you start dry-hooping. Pathetic. You said you would never eat in front of a lady yeah yeah yeah that's an example of something that i think is puts you in the minority of what grosses you out sure yeah i'm imagining a girl eating or shitting oh yeah

that is it's not shit yeah no it is i don't like to think of people as human. Oh. Does that make me a bad guy? Sure. Yeah, it does. But am I an unforgivable asshole? Yeah. Maybe I am. But do I still deserve... Does a bud of the answers yes?

Do I deserve love? Maybe not. No, I don't. But am I gonna die Am I gonna die alone Yeah But does that break my heart And do I live my life

Pathetic and scared I do Of course I do So this girl's Version of that is belly button lit. Some people don't want to see it. Some people don't want to touch it. Some people have fun. I know girls that'll pop a zit on a boyfriend's back.

No big deal with their teeth. It's fun. It's games. Pop a zit. Yeah. Straight up into the air, like Popeye with the spinach. Yeah, like a fucking... He punches Blutus.

It's all fun and games. But then there are some people who consider Lint to be disgusting. Nobody's right or wrong. I don't know what causes one person to have that phobia versus another. I think they're both not incorrect. She's not incorrect to be disgusted. Sorry, I'd like to change what I said. He is incorrect for being disappointed

in her for having that disgust. Yes. So everybody is capable, allowed, I would say to have one. Let's give everyone one. If everyone gets one, let's also say that he has belly button lint to the extent that it's actually a part of his body. And that's a little bit of a problem.

Yeah, for sure. Can we say that you know i had um i had lint in my do you guys ever charge your iphone and it doesn't work and it's because there's like clumps of uh of lint in there so so who said oh yeah you're so funny you're jazzed up on it well how much lint? You don't even have an iPhone. You have a ball of lint. He's a cat. That's a cat man. Not unlike Batman. But getting the lint out of the jack is one of the greatest feelings ever.

Just fucking digging it out. It's better than cumming. Because you can do it in public. Sorry. Just to be clear, your one problem with cumming is that you can't do it in public? Often, yeah. Oftentimes.

It's frowned upon, I should say. Well, not often, always. I'm just saying. When is it good to cum in public? If I had like... When is it encouraged? You know my idea for business arms, right? No.

I never told you my idea. Pray tell. It's arms that sort of look like this. Like arms? Yeah, made out of wood that you can plop on a table during a business meeting. And then, that's right, you slide your real arm down. And you just... So you have two little synthetic arms,

and what looks like a fucking gerbil trying to get out of your urethra. And that's hopefully unnoticeable. Oh, okay, it's pounding out of your chest now. And then you can just crank it in public. It's also... If you're going to steal the idea for business arms, don't worry about it,

because I've also trademarked subway arms, Uber arms, funeral arms. It's all fair game. Yeah, just so you know, Uber arms are when you jerk off your Uber drive. Yeah, it's not what it sounds like. So would you say, what should this lady do? What's your advice for this lady?

To be perfectly honest, I forget the question. Oh, that's awesome. But I do want to say... Sorry. Sorry, go ahead. Let me just... Yeah, no, do your thing. Sorry, my opinion doesn't matter, right?

If you want to talk over me, that's fine. Is it right to be... My opinion doesn't matter, yeah? Just go on record and say that? I thought you were going to, yeah. Nobody fucking cares about what Jake has to say. Is your neck broken or something? I don't want to look at you, man.

I have a right to be absolutely disgusted is her question. Even if it's wrong, does she have the right to be disgusted? Don't you have the right to be anything? That's beautiful, dude. Guys, if we leave you with one closing thought, you have the right to be anything. And you guys all have the right to remain silent. Because you're all under arrest.

Lock the door again! No, just kidding. But thank you guys so much for coming out on a Monday night. We really appreciate it. What up, resident? Thank you. If you have your own questions, your own anything, send it all to ifireywshow at gmail.com. We're traveling all over the place with the show.

You can find out all the information at ifirewshow.com. Thanks again for coming, and we'll be back next week. Good night. Too hot. Hey, it's us again. Quick reminder, if you like the live episodes, be a part of the live episodes. We are recording two live shows in Dublin, one in London, and then another one in Toronto.

Yeah. Tickets for all those shows available at ifireadyshow.com or jakeandamir.com. It's going to be a fucking party, y'all. We do like to party. We do like to meet the fans. We like to drink with the fans. Those are going to be big shows. Toronto and London mighton might be our biggest shows ever so it'd be great great great uh if we can make uh if you can make it out and uh we'll hang out after the show why

not come say hey we're only in london and toronto for so often uh all right cool see you later peace that was a hate gum podcast