Segments - 225: Good Guy

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

In this episode we discuss being serious, being drunk, and being a supportive podcast listener. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Dear Jake and Amir, what to say to you? I need advice, you have to up my game My barista's pretty cute, I died on the Starbucks floor You dedicated one hour a week

To help us out. Just you two crazy Jews when you... You knock me out, I fall apart. I thought I was the master. You make up names for all the questions. You'll goof and gaff at us. You'll even laugh at us even though most

of it is just digression we listen just for you we go down low for you and you give us bad advice if I were you yeah you give us bad advice

if I were you Christ that was incredible that was really good that was uh that was uh that was Geordie G-E-O-R-D-I-E Geordie with a DearE-O-R-D-I-E.

Geordie with a Dear Theodosia from Hamilton parody. I feel like we can't do a show now. Oh, because it's too sweet? We can't top what the theme song was. Yeah, when you get someone with a good voice to do a parody of a really sweet, great song, it's just as powerful as the song itself. Yeah, good lord. We didn't deserve that.

So, Jordy, if you're listening, can you do another Hamilton one next? What are we thinking? Wait for it? Oh, what's the one with... I want to do the... Shit. It's the one that the women sing. Oh, yeah.

Not Never Be Satisfied. No, not that one, but that one's also dope. Actually, if you could just do an entire hip-hopera parody, Yeah. would you, what would you rather have? A voice as good as the guy that was singing, or to be able to dunk a basketball? Voice, 100% voice.

Really? Yeah. Because I can already dunk. Oh. No, voice voice that's like you'd rather have a great voice than like a 42 inch vertical yeah because the 42 inch vertical impresses you yeah and like a bunch of guys that we hang out with the voice is sort of like universally he will blow us all away dear theodosia yeah i would definitely rather dunk. I know. What a great

feeling that would be to throw down a two-hand jam. I guess I, yeah. You never see bad basketball players dunk. Like, someone that doesn't know how to play basketball, but is six feet tall and just happens to have a 45-inch vertical. So, like, I can't dribble, I can't shoot, but if I, like, have a running start,

I can dunk a ball. Oh, that's, I guess that's's true like a gymnast or somebody else that like needs to jump really high or a high jumper right yeah if we can find like a cuban high jumper that can jump really high dunk the ball but we're getting so far off message right now sorry what did this where did this come theodosia this is your other podcast that you want to host. Find a dunker. Would you rather this or dunk? Oh, yeah, Jordy. I already said his name. So what is this?

This is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. This is the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. We've had a lot of episodes. Not a lot, but we had a few episodes in a row. Guests, live show. But this is a few episodes in a row guests live show

but this is the first one in a bit that's just straight up you and I back to basics you and I in a little toy shop with a bag of balloons

with the money we bought yeah I'd rather dunk than do that for sure 99 red balloons Yeah, I'd rather dunk than do that For sure 99 Red Balloons So, what happens on the show? People will email us They're in need of our advice

We do our best to dispense our wisdom It goes over really well For all parties involved Oh, you know what we should mention? Yeah? Is our subscription thing. That's true. So we found out recently,

we sort of knew it, but we didn't know it was this specific, that if you get, let's say 5,000, 5,000 people. Let's say that because we think that's actually the number okay if you get 5 000 people to subscribe to your podcast in a day you'll have the number one podcast on itunes uh which is like you know above radio lab joe rogan this american life

invisibilia really important big cool big, cool, great shows. Yeah. Anybody opening their podcast app for the first time that day will basically automatically subscribe to our podcast. Borderline accidentally. And I want to say it's like we're taking advantage of the system, but it's not like we're making bots that subscribe. We're actually asking our fans who do listen to the show, but might not necessarily subscribe

on iTunes. So let's say we get, in this first day, 35,000 people will listen to the show. Great number. If we get one in every seven of them, you listening, to subscribe on iTunes. If you're listening to the show on SoundCloud, or if you listen to it on Spreaker. Yeah. I don't know how people fucking do this. Another app, whatever, however you're listening to it.

If you go to iTunes.com on your browser, if you go to iTunes.com slash HeadGum. Or go to the Use the iTunes Podcast app, the native app on most of your phones. Yeah, you can find a link to our show and then you hit the subscribe button. And then when you subscribe, it'll let iTunes know,

oh, somebody new is subscribing. We'll give them a little micro rank. And if 5,000 people do that, we'll have the number one podcast on iTunes. We'll skip the queue. Yeah. We'll get up to the top. We'll have a fast pass.

We're asking you guys to help us cut But I think That you know as Our loyal loving fans Who we adore and cherish This is a huge Boon to us True

It's like we're asking for money but not money But a little bit of your time We're asking for growth Legitimately this is a legitimately this is a way uh that you can help us out and help the show out it's a vote of gratitude it's a vote of confidence that'll give us uh more exposure so people will be able to find the show i like the idea of everybody listening to our show for the first time is hearing this exactly how we gave the system of itunes so i'm going to delete this actually uh cut this part out just because it doesn't

behoove us to have it uh yeah it's should we call this a moral gray area or you think it's fine completely i think it's completely fine completely fine i challenge anybody to think that it's not yeah we're asking already our fans. People are listening to the show. Yeah, we're just saying, if you like the show, let other people know about it. Yeah, which is what people do sort of passively. You'll hear at the end of the show, oh, yes, rate and subscribe. But those two words just gloss over people.

Right. So we're like, wait, stop right there. We know you didn't hear that. Really. Actually subscribe. Actually, for right now, it doesn't even matter if hear that. Really subscribe. Actually, for right now, it doesn't even matter if you rate. Just subscribe.

It's fine. We'll talk about rating another time, guys. Which isn't to say ratings aren't good. Let's start the show. So these are real emails from real people. We're going to keep them anonymous, give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. I wanted to Game Boy it up this episode. Oh, the Game Boy.

That's right. You wanted the Game Boy. I wanted to Game Boy it up this episode. Oh, the Game Boy. That's right. You wanted the Game Boy. I wanted the Game. But I had one question that I think we should answer without the Game Boy. Back I go! Back into my little cave. Back from whence I came. Why'd you say my name?

Why even summon me? This was a waste of my time and yours the game boy charges 450 an hour the game was actually a very high priced attorney uh i bid you adieu gunshot to the head it doesn't do anything because he's a robot uh so i found a good question that i think we should answer before we even get to the Game Boy, which is, let's call this guy... Andy Murray. Andy Murray writes,

Long time fan, first time writing in, and I got a pretty simple but surprisingly tricky question for you. My question is this. How do I get girls to like me if I'm simply not funny? I'm a social guy and I have plenty of friends, but truth be told, I've never been a funny person. And I find this has become quite a problem when trying to get the ladies to like me, especially on Tinder.

I'm not sure if y'all will be able to answer since it's literally your job to be funny, so it might be hard to put yourself in my shoes, but I'd love to hear your collective thoughts on my predicament. P.S. I moved to New Haven for the summer. What up? And if Jakey has any suggestions of places I should check out, I'd love to hear that too.

203Z. Mr. Waven. New Haven. What's the closest you've gotten to being not funny? I guess there have been a couple times where I went out on dates where people just weren't amused by my sense of humor. Yeah.

But that didn't make me feel bad. It made me feel like, well, fuck this person. Yeah, they're wrong. I'm right. My jokes rule. Your jokes drool. I sort of had this experience

watching Batman versus Superman a few weeks ago Where I was watching Lois Lane, she's in a relationship with Clark Kent I was like, does he ever make her laugh? Or do I deserve her? He is Superman, but it doesn't seem like he has very much fun He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders He can save the day, but when they're eating dinner, is Lois cracking up or smiling at her? They just are very, very quiet.

Yeah. What a dramatic relationship they have. I do. But I mean, there are people like that who are just like, oh, I'm a pretty serious guy or a pretty serious girl. I don't like to laugh. I don't crack jokes. That's interesting, right? Imagine a serious girl marrying a serious guy yeah which what's happened a lot are most people do you

think funny or a serious i think most people shit it's probably pretty even because i think but i there's like comedians that like us we crack jokes make bits too much right and then there's like friends of ours that aren't comedians but they they're funny. They can hang. Yeah. Most people can hang. I think it's like even people who aren't funny sometimes have a good sense of humor. They like, they know what they like. Yeah. Like I think about friends of mine who aren't like comedians or don't even crack like really great jokes, but they have like high comedic taste.

Yeah. Because they think I'm funny. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Ben Schwartz was one of them for sure like he's kind of funny but like right but he's not a writer actor type he's yeah he's nebbish and quiet yeah takes himself very seriously he's a poet people don't know but ben only wears black

turtlenecks when he's out and about in los angeles you'll make a joke and ben will nod and yeah that's that's funny that's funny i get, that's a good one. That's funny. I get, like, he has a good sense of humor. But yeah, it's weird to think about. Yeah, some people legit, they must go through days without joking or laughing. Yeah. What is that?

I haven't smiled yet today. Which is fine. For them, they look at me and they're like, you haven't cried today. And I'm like, yeah, I guess. People don't cry and they're like, you haven't cried today. And I'm like, yeah, I guess. People don't cry every day, right? I don't know. But I've cracked jokes to a bank teller before, and they laugh.

And they're like, thanks, I needed that. I'm like, oh, God, you did. Like, I really needed that. I needed that. Like, well, good, because I couldn't help it. Welcome to my life, baby. It's almost too much. Can you keep up?

Go away, sir. I can do the huddy-duddy. I can meditate from Scotty. Your card was declined, actually. Oh, right. You've overdrawn. Giggity-giggity. That's quagmire.

No, I can't turn it off, even if it's just me. Did you get your yuck-yucks today? I hate myself. So this guy can't make anybody laugh. It makes approaching people hard. I hope he's handsome. I hope he's like a hot, nice guy. Because I know some hot, nice guys that aren't funny.

He must be. Because like, don't you develop humor as like a... Like, yeah, only ugly people can be funny. It's some kind of like evolutionary thing for like ugly people. Yeah. To make sure they can procreate. Yeah, otherwise ugly people wouldn't be around today.

Because other ugly people. Yeah, the ugly, unfunny people died out in the Middle Ages. Amazing. Yeah, because they couldn't find anybody. With Napoleon. Yeah, but then there's some magic people that are like, oh, I'm a handsome, talented actor or athlete, but I'm also really funny some magic people that are like oh i'm a handsome talented actor athlete but i'm also really funny right that's like the rick fox yeah and you're like

wait why do you you can't be funnier than me and then also be a good everything else he can sing too he can sing and dunk have you ever seen him he's also been on so you think you can dance or dancing with the stars he's a good dancer too that's right he can move he can sing he can he can be funny and he can act and he can fuck yeah he can deep he can dunk and funk yeah yeah do we answer your question rick fox is better than all of us uh so what can you do what do girls or i should say what do people like um if not a sense of humor it is it actually hard for me to relate because when I had nothing, I still had that. Yeah. Like when I was a greasy, ugly tween with braces, I still had jokes.

I think you just have to think about what you are passionate about and what you do like. Yeah, people like sincerity and genuineness. Yeah, and I think everybody has triggers that make them animated and earnest. And so maybe it's not like you cracking jokes at anything, but maybe you just want to talk to somebody about what are your triggers and you find out what their triggers are. You talk to somebody about politics or movies or music. You know what's good is to be a good guy.

You know how there's some people that you're like, that's a good guy. He's just a good guy. And I know a lot of nice people, but I don't know a lot of good guys. You know a good way to be a good guy? How? Is work on a good laugh oh if you if you got it like you can't fake being funny but you can definitely fake laugh at other people's jokes yeah and if you are a good laugher and if you you've got like a big old smile and you encourage people who are funny and yeah you encourage people having fun around you yeah then you're a good guy yeah it's like you're a good team player you're a point guard

you don't necessarily shoot but you can dish it out and actually if you don't have a good laugh we can even i think because since we make jokes we can at least give suggestions about what a good laugh would be yeah sure so like like if you laugh like a little Pillsbury Doughboy. Yeah, I like to laugh like sort of like a Japanese-style porn. Oh, like you're a little ashamed to laugh. Oh, very coquettish. Yeah, a little cute. What about like the laugh right before wipeout? Wipeout.

Right, then people can say wipeout. That'll be your natural laugh. That's like a... Wipeout. Right, then people can say wipeout. But that'll be your natural laugh. That's like, also kind of like Mario. I also like a Paul Bunyan. Oh, like a... Oh, no, Tim the Tool Man Taylor. That's better. Oh, like what?

Oh, that's good. That's a good, like, gruffy laugh. Yeah. Santa? Ho, ho, ho. Is that him laughing? Is ho, ho, ho Santa laughing? Or is that him saying hello?

I don't know. Santa's a good example of a good guy. Because he's not... Like, you never see Santa make a joke. Right. But he's just like a good guy. And when he does, they're very off color. Yeah.

They're pretty racially... Not like racist, but racially insensitive. Yeah. Yeah, charged. Ho, but racially insensitive. Yeah. Yeah, charged. Ho, ho, ho. That's really funny. Thanks, Santa. So be a good guy.

Be genuine. Basically all the things an asshole isn't. Yeah. Like not mean. That's fair. Who do you know is someone who's a good guy? Billy. Oh, yeah.

But Billy's also funny, so that doesn't make sense. I had a friend in high school named Simon. He wasn't necessarily funny, but everyone loved him because he was a good guy. He's dead now. He is dead, yeah. No, he's still alive. Good guys last the longest. Yeah.

All right. Now that we're done with this question, let's bring out the Game Boy again. Oh, me? Oh, come on, Game Boy. I was just settling in for my long winter's nap. You don't have to be offended. We accidentally brought you out a little bit. Now you want me. No, no.

All right. Come on. Yeah. I think it's fine. We still want you around game okay because you didn't before we did we were just you didn't i just wanted to get you summoned me and then you exiled me i didn't exile you i was lonely i was cold and i was scared for you to take a couple minutes off while we addressed it the question i thought was pretty interesting

yeah you thought it was pretty but now hey I thought it was interesting how you summoned me and then told me to fuck off. You're not talking like yourself anymore. Oh, me? The Game Boy. So the Game Boy is a game that we created, a character really, that guesses we have a Gmail, if I were to show a Gmail.com, an account, I can search the

Gmail for a word. And the game is, let's try to find a word that's only been used in one question. Now, I really want to use two words. Okay. I know it breaks the rules. I can do a quote search. Yeah, because we can't be separated.

And then... Right. Ooh, I'm trying to decide if I want to do run train or ran train. Let's do ran train and then see if it doesn't doesn't come up then we'll do run didn't come up damn it run train okay nothing really yeah jesus christ everybody out there's a fucking herd because they didn't they didn't ever uh group fuck someone yeah because y'all couldn't run train. I guess if you're doing it, then there ain't no problems to be had about it. Fine.

My new word is charcuterie. What? Charcuterie. Like a meat plate? It's a cheese and meat plate. Yeah. With some fruit and some crackers. I don't even know how to spell that.

How do you spell it? C-H-A-R-C-U-T-E-R-I-E. Charcuterie. Dab. Nothing. Nothing? No questions about charcuterie. Did I spell it correctly? I didn't even look.

I did a Google did you mean search. What do you mean? It auto-filled the correct spelling. How did I spell it wrong? I don't know. While you were talking, I did that. Alright. This is a real poor showing of the game.

Okay. I'll think of another one. Kleenex. It's not a a word but i'll search it proper now one spam and one question i am the game boy he's a bad i have won the game yes dude yes dude i'm 17 and i master kleenex rights i'm 17 and I masturbate. Kleenex writes, I'm 17 and I masturbate a lot, just like you would expect. But what is unexpected about my stroke is that sometimes I get red pimple-like sores

upon the areas of my teenage trunk. Dick. These sores or whatever are sensitive to the touch and make it difficult to masturbate when they appear on my penis. Not impossible, though. I showed them to my doctor. I find a way.

I showed them to my doctor and he a way i showed them to my doctor and he said that since i haven't had sex yet it isn't possible for me to have any stds or anything but this still continues to be an issue for me insert whatever name yeah uh you two give me junior oh i see it's an issue for me and kleenex junior that's the name of his dick all right it's like a mad lib of sorts. I don't know if I somehow have herpes or something in a miraculous medical feat, or if this is a product of doing it dry.

I use a lot of tissues when I perform for myself to the point of creating a makeshift Kleenex condom. Or possibly this is a product of me being too rough and rowdy with my rutabaga. Should I stop stirring my shake for a while, start using lotion or something, or get myself checked out or what?

You already did. What would you guys do if you were me? Side note, I grew up watching you guys and all the other College Humor Hardly Working cast and still go back to the old JNA episodes. And highly frequently, you guys are great and inspired me to be more creative. You really didn't need to share that PS with everybody.

Well, this is the first time reading the question. I didn't know that it would get so complimentary. But thanks for writing in, Kleenex. We appreciate it. Subscribe to the show. Oh, come on. You gotta subscribe. Have you not subscribed yet?

Have you really not subscribed? This guy, he makes a little parachute of Kleenex around his dick. Yeah. It sounds, frankly, it sounds like you're masturbating incorrectly. He's doing like, he's making a makeshift fleshlight, it seems like. Yeah, with dry fucking tissue. But Kleenex can be soft, at the very least.

Are you at least getting, yeah, the lotion-infused tissues? I bet he's not. That could be really soft, actually. No, I mean, it's still tissue paper rubbing against your dick. Right, but nobody teaches you how to masturbate, so it's tough to say what's right and what's wrong. I was taught how to masturbate. By whom?

A third-grade teacher. What? Mr. Melanie. Keep talking. I'm going to call the fucking police. What did he say to you? Oh, yeah, he stayed after school one day, and he taught me how to stroke it. Okay, Jakeake just keep talking please we're rolling on this i'm

getting his number oh yeah i'd love to talk to him mr melanie taught all the boys how to jerk it he would sit indian style while we watched oh it was the best. Regale us with some tales, Mr. Melanie. Oh, am I doing it wrong? Show me the right way, Mr. Melanie. Well, we practiced on him. Oh, my Christ, that's hot. Yes, dude. All the new subscribers we got.

Instantly unsubscribing. Yeah, we're out of the top 200. How do you like that? And our podcast is deleted. What's beyond explicit? Yeah, I mean, you're masturbating badly. So what would you do? Would you say

give it a few weeks off to like recharge, regenerate? Yeah, and at first it sounded like he had like some kind of ingrown hair or something.

And you know, I've gotten... I've heard of chafing. Yeah, when I was younger I would chafe yeah and it would just burn uh yeah i mean there was it was sensitive to the touch of course uh you want to let the injury fully heal whether it's chafing on your dick or like i don't know a sprained wrist right the worst thing you could do is rush back from injury right because then

you're compensating they're only going to exacerbate if you masturbate yeah exacerbate the masturbate or you start uh overcompensating it's like then you'll injure your balls because you're just squeezing the wrong part yeah at the bottom yeah after just so i you this guy hit the nail on the head i think you gotta you gotta go lotion you gotta go vaseline or baby oil. Something real nice. I like to do a little Vaseline because that basically heals any... Oh.

Let me put some Vaseline on. Oh. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh, dear. Oh. Oh, the Game Boy's being born. Oh, I'm coming.

What? Sorry. I did ejaculate, and I feel like... Oh, yeah, I see that. Yeah. My God, man. It'd be so cool if you just ejaculate and I feel like oh yeah I see that yeah my god man it'd be so cool if you just ejaculate

with one pump like that what's that? a single pump chump yeah but like masturbating so one thrust

you get so hard so ready that you just go top of the top of the dick oh not even a a back pump. Just a down... Like...

And then you get so tight around the top. You're gonna slide down like a real greasy fire pole. And then just... Boom! Yeah, dude! It's like, imagine a full ketchup bottle. 17 year old is already

masturbating again because we started thinking about it yeah it's hard to not masturbate when you're a teenager so i think a couple weeks off see what happens a couple weeks i don't your skin heals very quickly down there you need like two days off tops and then just maybe four days uh and then you know don't coat your dick with tissue paper. That's not that hard. Yeah. All you really need is to put it at the part that ejaculates. The rest of your dick can be, you know, not covered in paper.

That'll be fine. You need to cut it. Don't cut it. Oh, yeah, never mind. Your dick is way too long. You need to cut it. Cut it. Cut it. Don't cut it. Oh, yeah, never mind. Your dick is way too long. You need to cut it. Cut it. Cut it.

Is this a moil coming out for a circumcision? His dick is way too long. You need to cut it. Your foreskin way too long. You need to cut it. Where'd you get this cool rabbi? He's really dope. He gave my son an infection, but my God, his entrance music.

He came out to cut it. All right, let's take a break. And we'll be right back with more questions and answers. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot, like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like,

these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and hail Mary. You actually know both of those. Yeah. Running is when you run and then hail Mary is when you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know Run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, Running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

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Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written

content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself

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and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Damn, Daniel, we're back already. Oh, good Lord.

You only get onto memes months after the... You just stopped saying Opa... Opa damn Daniel style. Oh, good Lord, no. We are going to be very soon in Dublin for the first time ever. We're soon in Dublin for the first time ever. We're coming to Ireland for the first time ever. No Hurwitz or Blumenfeld has ever set foot on Irish soil.

That's, I think I am part Irish. And I, for one, I'm going to enjoy a pint of Killian's Irish Red with everyone that fancies who comes to the show. Killian's Irish! Now that's a good idea. Hey, buy me a Killian's at the pub. And make Irish! Now that's a good idea. Hey, buy me a Killians at the pub. And make it a frosted lucky charm. Oh!

Boo! Get off stage! We don't sound like that. That's fair! For those impressions and more, please check out ifoweryoushow.com or jakeandamir.com for ticket information. Dublin, London, T-Dot, views.

What's that? Views. That's my Drake and E.T. impression. If I were views. If I were views. No, it's Drake is Yoda. Oh, yeah. Please, may the force be with you.

I'm about to come in for a great one. Please. Why are you always saying? Yeah, what's a Yoda phrase? And then we could put it into a Drake song. Use the force you will. I don't think that is one, but like, use the force you will. Oh, yeah.

So like, use the force you will. Please. Do or do not, there is no try. Is that a Yoda? I don't know. Fucking whatever. So please, come out. Those are going to be fun, fun, fun shows. And there's not many tickets left. The Dublin venues are kind of small. And while the British venue is large,

we're close to a thousand tickets sold. So get them while they're not. Get them while they're not. What else? What else? What else? I don't know how are you doing I feel like we haven't been

hanging out as much since we don't live together anymore oh yeah we moved out of our house have we talked about that on the show I don't think that we talked

about living on our own now yeah for the first time in two years Jake and I don't we're not roommates with each other more than two years isn't it

that we've lived together it's like two and a? That we've lived together? It's like two and a half because we moved in together in February of like 2014. Oh yeah. Yeah, two and a half years. Wow. It's crazy. I miss you, man. What? I miss you, dude. I'm fucking lonely, man.

You're turning into a dog. Is he laughing? Yeah, man. I fucking love you, dude. I did see you openly weep while you went home last night. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, what we did was move into two separate one-bedroom apartments in the same complex.

Right. So it's the babiest step you can take to not living there. We're on the same building. Yeah, that's true. It's a two-building complex. Actually, three. It's a three-building complex. Is it three?

I thought it was two. So one building is, I think it's technically one big... Long unit? Yeah, but they have different names. I guess it's two different wings. Gotcha. And then we live in two separate one-bedroom apartments. Yeah.

So we live together but separate. To get to Amir's apartment, I have to go in an elevator, go down across a courtyard. Yeah. Go up. So it's, you know. It's not okay. I really only see you at work. I haven't been to your apartment yet.

Is that true? I don't think I have. Just when we walked in for the tour. Oh, yeah. There was that inspection. I had a dinner party last night, but. My invite must have been lost in the mail. Yeah, it didn't come up.

I didn't even think to invite you. That's funny. Who'd you invite? It was just like a bunch of my friends. Who were... Like, I have the same friends

as you. I know. It was just like Heller and Marty. Those are two of my friends. Jesse and stuff like that. Jesse's my friend too. George Basil's there.

Billy and Adam. Good friends. Billy and Adam, yeah. Oh, Rose. We did this game where we were just like stuff like that jesse's my friend and uh george basil's there billy adam good friends yeah yeah oh rose we did this game where we were just like saying what we fucking hated about you did this fucking impression one guy did uh he literally i i know i say this a lot but he was blowing himself and we're like that's her wits we fucking like dumped mustard and relish on the guy who we said with that's her wits now i'm glad i wasn't there we turned him into a fucking cold swat it was a fucking it devolved into a food orgy of sorts.

We were all so fucking overcome with emotion making fun of you. I watched SportsCenter and I cooked a rice bowl by myself. A rice bowl. Yeah. Not even rice, just the bowl. It was just the bowl. You put a bowl in a microwave. You put like the plastic bowl you make miso soup out of at sushi restaurants into a microwave.

And you're like, I'm going to cook a rice bowl. And I ate it with a knife. Oh, you ate the bowl. A very sharp knife. But it's kind of, we're living in like sad bachelor pads. Yeah. It's like where divorced dads live. Yeah, definitely. It feels a little bit like extended stay motels.

Just like stark white walls. Yeah, cheap refrigerators with really light doors. Thin walls more than anything else. A carpet that always seems sort of, maybe a little moist. Moist, but also dry and pilling at the same time. Have you noticed the tiles in the bath, the shower, are fake tiles? Oh, yeah. It's just plastic in the shape of tiles.

So it's not real tiles there's no like are you talking about the floor no i'm talking oh i'm talking about if you go if you take a shower the bath and the tiles around the shower are all like one piece of plastic oh yeah yeah yeah but the walls are shaped like tiles even though it's just plastic a plastic mold and then the floor is just a giant flat piece of laminate that's supposed to look like bamboo you're right it's like sort of it's colored like bamboo but it's like you can lift it up like a sticker have you noticed how bad their uh system for packages is no i haven't gotten a package oh it's well i've basically furnished my entire apartment uh using online shopping i legit

ship myself tables right like you ordered an end table on amazon yep on amazon on overstock yeah what was the other one you got your couch on etsy yeah it's a shape like mario artisan couch uh but they're so their system for packages is they just write it down on like a big long clipboard so you come in and and i ask if i have packages and they just look through the clipboard and it's like 500 units yeah it's it's 500 units and sometimes i get like three or four packages so my name is on there like four different times and they have to go through and it's like a word search too so like i've missed like two or three packages because they're just like no it doesn't there's nothing and then i'll like ask someone else later and they find my name because it's just a huge list of names

you think it would be like electronic or digital? Yeah. I asked yesterday, I was like, are you guys going to ever upgrade this? And they said, yeah. Good enough for me. All right.

Back into my sad little cave. As long as you say, yeah, I'm sure that's fine. But living downtown is really nice. Yeah. Living downtown is fun. And then,

uh, I guess not living together is healthy too. Yeah. Now, when we tell people we don't live together people like oh that's normal whereas people usually assume you guys live together before people assumed that we didn't live together or they make a joke like yeah they live together and we're like we actually do live together oh my god is that all right yeah i thought you guys

were in your 30s no yeah we are we are we are we are we do yeah we are in our yeah do you feel like are you going to move out of this apartment? Are you trying to leave this apartment to move into a real place? I don't know. I'm kind of lazy, so I enjoy the convenience of living in a close but shitty apartment. Yeah. And I don't want to spend any more money on rent, so I'm not going to get a better place. Yeah, and moving costs money.

Oh, moving is the fucking worst. Yeah, if you just don't have to move again, you should do that. I think that was like the... I feel like I've gotten mature in the last few years because I used to just not care about moving. Oh, now you do. Oh, yeah, I'll move, whatever.

Fucking that. Yeah, beast mode. Oh, yeah, I don't like this apartment anymore. I'm going to fucking move. And now I'm just... I'm tired. I mustn't move okay and now i finally have like money to do it yeah you just pay other people to move and it's still hard fucking annoying uh all right uh let me rant over hashtag and rant what nothing i was trying to think of the HTML for it. It's like a bracket.

Yeah. Close rant, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slash rant. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Let me think of a question. Let me think of a word that I can search. Oh, I got a good one. What's that? Goggles. Oh, I do like goggles. A goggles question. Oh, I bet you're going to see a lot of beer goggles.

Oh, yeah. There's a question goggles question. Oh, I bet you're going to see a lot of beer goggles. Oh, yeah. There's a question we answered. Oh. I might have. What do you consider a question? There's two questions, but one we already answered. Ooh. I'll call that a win.

You've won the game. The game is now tied. All right. Great. The game is now tied. All right, great. Let's call this, his email subject is, will alcohol always fix everything? So we'll call this guy. The answer is yes.

We'll call this guy, Will Alcohol. Ooh, I like that. It's kind of a cool name. Hi, Jake and Amir. So I've recently realized that every time I hook up with a girl, I'm always drunk. I don't know why I am starting to feel guilty about it.

Maybe I'm jealous of the inner Casanova that the alcohol opens inside me. I know what must be happening is that it gets the inner confidence and not give a fuck swagger. I also think I may have a face that is extra affected by girls' beer goggles. Is that a thing? How do I channel my drunk game into my normal sober game? Love will alcohol. Okay. He's got a little self-esteem issue.

He thinks he has a special face that not as ugly or hot, but improves a great amount when other people drink and see him. Yeah, I know everybody looks better when people are drunk, but I think I look extra good. My face is just... It's an insult and a compliment. The angles are all right for blurred vision. Yeah. Or, yeah, he has, like, very small blemishes that sort of, when you take your glasses off and put on beer goggles uh disappear quickly yeah it seems like if you get used to doing anything you're just out of

your comfort zone when you change it up like you go out and you drink and you meet people and that's like the way it's always been done yeah and then all of a sudden you you're trying to change it up and do something sober it is a little it is a little, it's a little giant. It's a little scary. Social lubricant is a great name. Like that's very, it's very visceral and true. Like just talking to someone sober and like having people meet, it feels like sandpaper is like grubbing up against sandpaper.

And then you add alcohol and suddenly things are moving a little fluid. It's a little easier. Things are slick. Not unlike the fake tiles in our bathroom. Yes, that's true. Just very shiny, slick, and slippery. But how do you transition? I think what helps is being growingly sober with someone.

So first time, drunk. Second time, a little less drunk. Third time, sober. Suddenly time, a little less drunk. Third time, sober. Suddenly, you got good sober game. Then you go to the next person, drunk, then sober on the second one. Then maybe you can start dealing with people on a more sober level. So as with everything, you want to transition, crossfade, dissolve into the ability to speak, interact, and socialize what you call a normal sober game. Yeah.

I think it all comes down to, I guess, I don't know if I completely agree with the rungs you've laid out. Yeah, I think it's a rungs. I think it's more of- Two rungs do make it right. Mm-hmm. That is your slogan. of... Two rungs do make it right. That is your slogan, you're wearing that shirt. My ladder company.

Not my former company, but the ladder company. Two rungs make it right. You make very short ladders. That's right. Stepping stools, mostly. Anyway, can I trouble you for a toilet? It's just that it's very hot out. I'm selling incredibly short ladders, and I haven't been able to take a shit in quite some time. I am prairie-dogging to say the most.

And here we go. Out it goes. Prairie-dog is on the loose. Oh, no. Can I shake it out on your stoop? I assure you it's already trickling down my calf, and here it goes. Very good. As you were.

Cheerio. Wait, come back. I want the latter. Amazing. A thousand dollars. Never mind. I think it's all about, well, you want to be responsible with alcohol anyway but it's really about like staying inside your comfort zone and you feel more confident when you've had a little

as the as you've said social lubrication but the other thing that makes you feel comfortable and confident is being around people that you know and enjoy. So going out with your friends and being affable and you sort of feel like you're, you know, when you're with a big group of people and you just feel like you own the bar and you feel like, oh, this is cool. Like everybody wants to talk to us. We're having the most fun. When you're on fire, when you're having one of those nights. Those are the situations that you want to find yourself in. I feel like that transcends alcohol. It's just like camaraderie and people having fun yeah it can also be like different drugs like you don't have to do alcohol you can go out and shroom or you don't have to what the rungs always involve

two drugs i shroom and a pill any shroom and pill i took a pill and a beaver. Oh, that's really good. And I can dunk. To show Avicii I can dunk. All right. You got one last word? Subscribe to the show. Please. Like, just subscribe to our podcast. It's a button that makes it so we're famous again.

Subscribe to the show, please. Please. Why are you always hating? Please. Yes, I've got one. Okay. Trout. Huh.

That's right. Trout, like the fish. You loser. Is there one? Oh, interesting. What? There's three questions. One of them is in our to answer.

Interesting. One of them, his name has trout in it. Hmm. So do you want to answer the one that's in our two answer, the one that has never been read, or the one where Trout is in the name of the man? I don't know. Good Lord.

They're all so ticklish. They're all so different. I want to do the unanswered one, the one that we never opened. But we read all of them just to me later. What? I just want you to read all of them just to me later. What? I just want you to read all of them to me later so I can satisfy my curiosity. Like later tonight or? Yeah, tonight you can come over to my house and tuck me in.

Mr. Maloney, my third grade teacher, was actually going to come by and sort of check on my masturbation progress. Well, I live with him now. Oh. Yeah. He's my bed, see, I live with him now. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, see? He's my bed, see?

I sleep on his body, yeah. I murdered him when I was 19, see? I taxidermied his body, and he's my bed, see? He scarred me for good, you see? Oh, I made it so his dick's always hard, and I sleep on that, you see? You see? I sleep with his dick in me, his taxidermy dick.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, see? Dear Jake and Amir, I was dating... And I sleep on that, you see. I sleep with a dick in me. It's taxidermy dick. Dear Jake and Amir, I was dating... What the fuck? Subscribe to the show. I was dating a woman for ten years. Ten years. And we recently broke up because she made me miserable. You know how it is when you've been together that long? The thing is, when we had sex, she would moan and groan about how big my unit was.

She would beg that I only put it in just the tip because she couldn't take it. And the sex was amazing because of this. I felt like a stud with a giant hammer. She was the only woman I've ever had sex with until we broke up. And I met a new woman who makes me happy in so many ways. The only problem is, when we had sex for the first time, the new woman was taking my shaft with ease and kind of a nonchalant attitude. I was shocked because I was so used to thinking I was like a horse. I asked her if she enjoyed the intercourse, and she said yes. I asked her if I was the biggest she had ever been with and she kind of laughed and said I was

average. I have been walking around the gym naked all these years whipping my dick in bars just to do silly dick puppetry thinking I was hung. My confidence is shattered. My question is, should I get back with my ex who makes me feel like I have a giant

trouser trout? Boom. But in every other way, it makes me feel miserable. Or should I date this new woman who makes me feel like I'm humping her with a breakfast sausage, but makes me happy in so many other ways? Thanks, Dan. That's a great question. Yeah, it is a great question.

Holy shit. We should fire our interns for not having found that. Oh, come on. We should fire them all. How many emails are we down to now, by the way? 14,400. Wow. No.

Not fast enough, kids. Hum. So, this girl makes him miserable in every other way, except for thinking that his dick is big. Or this new girl who called his dick average, but is great in every other way. We happen to have a lot of questions like this where the choice is between two bad situations and i don't think that

the that the girl that he likes i think that's pretty clear like the one that he likes and doesn't make his dick feel big to me it's like 400 pros and then like one fine thing. It's a massive con. Or like all cons and then... It's a huge con. The opposite of the size of his dick. You're saying calling his dick average size is a huge con? Yeah, it's... But you can only be with people that want your dick to be big? I don't think that...

Well, everybody thinks my dick is fucking huge, so I don't have this problem. That's awesome, dude. I know, dude. You can't relate. I know, dude. I love that. I can't fucking relate at all. I can't even answer this question because it's about a guy whose fucking hog is into a huge.

I can't even read the question because my cock is blocking the screen. I'm cock blocking myself because I have a 40-inch cock. I feel like every guy, given the choice between like a slightly smaller than average penis where they could have sex with everybody and it would be fine, or a dick that was so big that they could only like get half of it inside anyone. That doesn't sound good either. Basically cause pain. I think the vast majority of dudes would choose ginormous dick. Doesn't it seem like if you can only get just the tip in, that's not good?

Why does he prefer that uh i mean like i'd rather be able to slide into the dms or in this case the vms the vm vagina monologues oh perfect uh yeah i don't know what the i don't know what the rationale is there must be some kind of type of like you need to cut it like the male psyche that's like oh we just want to have massive, painful cocks. I don't want a massive, painful cock. I think slightly above average is the best size peen. You'd rather be in the 99th percentile? I am in the 99th percentile.

I can't even say anything lower than that because my dick is so big. I don't even know a number less than 99. You'd rather have a 12-inch dick than a 6? What's the question, dude? Would you rather have a 12-inch dick... You mean the dick that I have, or what? Or be able to sing really well and dunk?

Shit. Dear Theodosia, I can dunk right now. A two-hand jam will never fit my dick. This probably came about because maybe your girlfriend had a smaller vagina. Or maybe this girl that you're with had... I mean, everybody's different shapes and sizes. So your dick might be big relative to somebody that uh like your ex had your like you know had seen before maybe she hadn't seen a penis maybe this girl that you're with now is like had

sex with a guy with a big penis so you seem average or less than average but the point is how it feels and the problem i guess is that because he feels like his dick is small he's your dick is small huh your dick is small my dick's fucking sorry i don't want to get into this right now but i have a vagina i have a big penis and you have a string penis i think the first thing you could do is maybe say something like hey that's so fucking lame. Yeah, I think just whatever. I don't think it's bad to have an average-sized dick.

I think that's fine. It's literally fine because it's average. And I know it sounds like I have an average-sized dick, which I don't. I feel like people are smart enough now to be like, if someone is insecure enough to ask, like, hey, is my dick big? And they say it's fine. They mean it's less than or i mean i don't even know what the motivation behind it is just lie and say that it's big you oh you're giving advice to the girl now don't ever tell me that my dick is average i think that

this guy should look up other dicks measure himself see if see if in his eyes how does he measure up yeah like is your dick big enough for you that's all that really matters because if you got the confidence to use it real well yeah dude you'll be good the confidence and then also just know that if somebody makes you feel yeah the dignity if somebody makes you feel less than, lesser than or equal to, there are other people out there. You don't have to go back to the ex who thought your dick was big, but you hated, and you don't have to be with somebody that you mostly like, but makes you feel inadequate sexually. There are other people, and that's what growing up and being in relationships is. There's somebody out there that will make you feel like a Casanova and also is emotionally and intellectually engaging.

They do. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Thanks. Side question. Yeah. You have to choose a vegetable that your dick is shaped after.

Sure. Worst one is probably edamame, the snap pea. Oh, yeah. It is thin. It is tri-bumped. It is salty and it is furry. That, yeah. It is thin. It is tri-bumped. It is salty, and it is furry. That is true. That is true.

And it's hard to get all the juices out of it. Carrot? Yam? That's what's good? Yeah. Like something long and thick, like a carrot or a yam. What's more, carrots are thin. What size is your penis that you would rather...

You're thinking of a baby carrot. No, I'm thinking of carrots in general. You're thinking of a fucking... The circumference of a carrot. I said a fucking potato. They come to a goddamn point. Have you seen... Bitch.

You couldn't think of cucumber? What? Cucumber. A big, thick, watery cucumber. That's what my dick looks like. My dick is actually a fucking parsnip. Yeah, well, my three watermelons actually a fucking parsnip yeah well my three watermelons in a fucking row but don't put on but don't that's actually really yeah and pumpkin nuts

pumpkin nuts that's right jack-o'-lantern nuts i have got two fucking pumpkin nuts. Like little, like decorative little gourds. Not little. Not little at all. The kind that win the state fair. The blue ribbon pumpkin balls that come in on a wheelbarrow. That grow all lopsided and strange because they can't stand their own weight. Yeah. Elephantitis of the shaft and balls.

Oh, gross. Luckiest man in the universe right here. Who? Me with a deformed cock that's bigger than a car. Yeah, I hate that. The size of a small little Fiat. Yes, a Volkswagen Beetle. All right, cool.

Thank you so much for listening, everybody. If you have your own theme songs, your own questions that you want to get to, the email address for everything is, ifireeshow at gmail.com. The opening one was the Dear Theodosia parody written by Giordi. And then let me look up this guy's name.

While he's doing that, y'all remember, if you haven't done it already, we've reminded you a few times, but we appreciate you subscribing. And you know what that does? That just tells iTunes that you want to download the episodes as soon as they come out. And hey, it's good for you.

You don't have to download. I stream when it comes out. I don't download shit to my phone, but I still get the podcast showing up in my feed that I subscribe to. And honestly, not every one of you has to do it, but it really has to be one in seven. So if you can make that happen, we would appreciate it.

And then keep an eye on the top podcasts on iTunes. See if this experiment works. Let's see if we climb up the charts. It would be sad if we... Don't? Yeah, don't. If we're a chute rather than a ladder. Paul Balzer is the rap at the end of this.

Cool man. Paul Balzer. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Giordi. Thank you, you guys, for listening. Thanks to Jake for co-hosting. Thank you to me, most of all, for being the host with the most. So I'm the co-hosting Thank you to me, most of all For being the host with the most

So I'm the co-host and you're the host? Oh, I don't know, whatever You said thanks to me, most of all Did I? I sort of lost myself in what I consider to be the truth Coolio, we'll see you next Monday Peace Later

Yo, yo, yo, DJ Shmoomoo on the house In the line Peace. Later. from jostling on the Mac to boss quick fuckers in the face with them chuckles it's getting laced with real advice on how to seize a fucking cheesy bitch to seize it twice so if you do not know what to do I'd straight up shut up listen up that's what's up cause this is Shmuel and Jake too