Segments - 228: Potato (live from Dublin w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: August 8, 2016

Comedian/Friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss childhood hobbies, Irish memories, and American references at the Vodafone Comedy Festival in Dublin, Ireland! This episode is brought to you by Casper and TrunkClub! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. white. So white. Oh, yeah. All right. How's it going, everybody? I love my boy. Yeah. I love my boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much. That's our time. No, I'm okay. Hey, everybody. How's it going? For those of you who don't, who doesn't know who we are? Who's here and they're like, why are we here?

Why are we in a tent? Everybody knows? Okay, great. Thank God. A lot of inside jokes here. Okay, so we're good to start. God, you know what people say to me a lot? And let me know if you agree.

That you're a limp dick loser. A timid little Jew coward boy. A weak... Oh, a frail-wristed miser. I was going to... I was going to be like, they compliment my glasses. Oh.

No, they are really... That's one of my favorite things about you. All the other stuff is also... Have you heard the limp dick Jew cock thing before? Yeah, yeah. glasses. Oh. No, they are really... That's one of my favorite things about you. All the other stuff Have you heard the limp dick juke cock thing before? Is that what... Yeah, yeah.

Well, I started it, but I feel like everybody was kind of on board. Yeah. They say when we come on stage or when I talk to them

in a foreign country, they say, you sound a lot more American in real life. Do you guys get that vibe right now? Do we sound American? Which is so odd because we're British

on the podcast. For it to come out. How many Peters in the crowd right now? Raise your hand. Please, raise your hand. A Peter or Thomas? Anybody? Just one Peter? Peter? Peter?

Who thinks that we're nailing an Irish accent? Who thinks? One Peter, one Peter. Oh, yes, you are. Two Peters. I taught your father

Peter. And your father Peter. Sorry, who is this? She went Peter, Peter. Peter, Peter. So this is

Peter's tater. Peter's tater. Peter's tater. Peter's father was a tater. Peter's grandfather was a potato. Peter's grandfather was a... A faded potato. A faded potato. Yeah, from Decatur.

He was from... Decatur, Georgia. Decatur, yeah. They moved to... Later... They later moved... They later moved from Decatur

to North Decatur on a potato. They drove on a potato. That's amazing. Peter, what a story you have. You should be up here. From start to finish.

I love that story jake and i have been walking around dublin just reading signs in our irish accents yeah and we have we have not made any friends yeah yeah it made me think are there any irish people walking around america like trying to talk like cowboys or dead Indians. Because we actually take offense to that. It's like, we can make fun of our moms, but you can't. And actually, you shouldn't make fun of my mom.

You made fun of my mother? What did you say about her? I didn't say anything about her. What could you possibly say about her? Your mother's a whore. I'm sorry. But as long as we're attacking... My mom's a saint.

Yours is a... She's a gutter woman. I'm sorry. What else? Who hears from out of town? Us, I guess. Your mother is a serpent-tongued slut. She's a snake that whores herself out.

A fellating snake. Oh, not everybody hears... Can you imagine getting a blowjob from a snake? You could really get it deep throated. Yeah, of course. Even a little garter.

Oh, yeah, you could... Because it can unhinge its jaw and swallow you whole. That's the uncensored version of the Bible, actually. Yeah. Adam skull fucked the serpent. And God the Bible, actually. Adam skull-fucked the serpent. And God was like,

was this Eve's idea? Yes, God. I'm gonna punish Eve. All right, dude. I thought it was fucked up, too. Because the snake is blowing you. But it was Eve's idea. 100% Eve.

Honestly, kick us both out. Are you sure? Alright. You're so noble, Adam. God is naive. And that's what this show is about. Because, no, lock the door! It's naivete! Smoke!

Oh shit, there's another exit. Alright, you guys can use that one. Do you guys know that this is our first time ever in Dublin? Not just doing comedy, it's our first time ever in Ireland. That's right. Is there anything that we should know? Get out. Get out?

Oh, that guy was just a heckler. He wasn't listening to our question. He just hates our podcast. Yeah, he just hates us. He didn't like the skull fucking a snake bit. That's honestly fair. Yeah, somebody was like, what have you done in Ireland so far?

Because we've been here for like two, three days, and we haven't really done much. We walked around. Our goal was to sort of blend in like we were locals. So we've been just depressed in our apartment for the last two days. Yeah, I've grown pale and I have a pretty bad diet. Yeah.

I've been eating mainly carrots and potatoes, a pint of Killian's Irish Red, and most of all... Do you guys even have Killian's Irish Red? Do you have Killian's here? We stole your voice and sold the beer. Killian's Irish Red is a very popular Irish beer in America. Do you guys know Killian?

He's doing very well in the States. Killian's making a Killian overseas. Y'all should join him. You're the only Irish person who never said y'all. Oh, no, I'm from Texas. What? Oh, yes, Peter, I hate Mexicans down there. Yes, Peter.

Can't get enough of hating Mexicans. This is Trump country. Yeah, you guys like Donald Trump here? Woo! Good. A tent full of cruise supporters.

Finally. I can get behind y'all. So hard to find a Kasich fan in Dublin, but here we are. So should we tell everybody about the podcast? Yeah, hold on one second. What's the matter? Oh, you want to have a little,

little mustering up the courage? Yeah, because it's stronger here. I don't know if you guys know, but whiskey is an American creation. Whoa. Good man. Oh, he's going to throw up. Here it comes. And a potato.

Thank you so much. A full potato. How many of you guys are familiar? This is an advice podcast. It's a show. You download. You put it on your phone. The way it works is people from all around the globe, not just Ireland.

It's mostly New York and Massachusetts. Yeah. Will write us in. They're confused. They're scared. They're scared. They're seeking our wisdom, our guidance. Why do they find it in us? I don't know.

I'm just a 33-year-old, what do you call me, timid, limp-dick, juke-cock? Yeah, yeah, frail miser. And this is my friend over here, Jake. I'm strong. We call him Strong Jake It's a bad nickname But also timid

It's a show we record in our It used to be in our house Now we have a little office studio situation Which is pretty fly Yeah, it's actually really, really chill But sometimes Sometimes we record intense Sometimes we record intensely

Sometimes we record With 200 Sometimes we record intensely. Sometimes we record with 200 of our closest friends all crowded around the stage. So thank you guys so much for coming to the show. Thank you for being here. Should we start answering questions? We might as well. We're only here for so long.

This is it. Wow. Oh yeah. This is it. Wow. Oh, yeah. Now I can see these people. That's a sturdy chair. Yeah. You guys do good. Oh, yeah, look at this front row right here.

Hey, all these handsome people. You're the dude that gave me the... Head. You blew me outside, right? Sir, you blew me away. Yeah, dude, stand up. With your throat. Come on, everybody wants to know which dude blew me outside, right? Sir, you blew me away. Yeah, dude, stand up. With your throat. Come on, everybody wants to know

which dude blew me outside. And of course it's the guy that looks like me. If you have some fucking fetish. You gave me mead. Do you guys know what mead is? It's what you guys give to Americans to prank them, right? It's a bottle full of your own pee-pee.

But the silly Americans drink it up like a pint of the Killian's Irish Red. Is there an Irish fight song that you guys all know? We don't fight. We flight. Like a soccer song? Is there a Gaelic song that everybody knows?

A chant of sorts? A shanty-chanty? What did he say? Wait. What did he say? Wait, what did he say? That's a fucking leprechaun, dude. That's what I was telling you about. He's got fucking goals, bro. Where's your rainbow, bitch?

Where's your rainbow, bitch, indeed? Do you guys know what he said? What is it? Oh, yeah. The leprechaun? Yeah. I don't know what he said? What is it? The leprechaun? I don't know if he's calling us that. I'm a leprechaun? Dude. I think it's a compliment.

You are wearing giant green shoes. Does everyone know what he actually said? What was it? Run us through the Gaelic... Oh, okay. You got that? God, you guys are passionate.

Do you know what he said? Will you say it into this microphone? Wow, that guy's really strong. Jesus Christ! Get on stage! Holy shit! Oh, dude is buff! Oh!

Dude, you're fucking... You're buffed out, dude is buff! Oh! Oh! Dude! Dude, you're fucking, you're buffed out, man! I love it! It's the milk. Is it the... Yeah, it's all the milk! Milk? You're on milk diet?

It's all the stuff there. Dave, oh my god, I can see through him, he is translucent. All right, so will you say what that dude said? Onward, catacomb, do doggity on lehress. And onward catacomb doggity on lehress. And what does it mean? Can I go to the bathroom, please? Really?

At least it's polite. Alright, that's cool. Get out of here, you strong motherfucker. Good lord. Jesus Christ. Oh, you broke through the fucking superhero pose. God damn. Just three strong dudes on stage together. I know, it's rare to meet a fan that has a body like ours.

Yeah. One that's buff and cool as ice. Is your dick all so thick, man? You know it I do know it, you're right I saw that guy doing dick curls That's right, yeah, yeah He was 20 kilograms

Yo, very good Thank you 44 pounds American Alright These are real emails from real people Gonna give them fake Thank you. 44 pounds American. All right. These are real emails from real people. I'm going to give them fake, ideally Gaelic names to preserve their anonymity. The first one was written by a dude.

Does anyone have a dude's name? What are you hear? I heard Crandis This Watch My penis is gonna be talking later Okay I'm just gonna find a little balance right here Do your thing, read the email

Alright It was Crandis Crandis Writes I've been dating this chick from Tinder for about five months now Huh? It was Crandis Crandis writes I've been dating this chick from Tinder for about five months now Nice dude Yes dude

Yes dude After about three months one day she gave me the keys to her apartment for helping her out with a little chore and in this process I found a desk in her apartment where she keeps her ex-boyfriend's pics. I'm talking about framed

photographs, albums, photo booth strips, etc., etc. I also found two flash drives in that desk. Me, being a 25-year-old insecure dweeb, I popped them in my laptop to see what's inside. Inside, I found her ex's dick pics,

vacation pics, videos of her with other dudes kissing, hugging, making memories. The worst thing you can make? This turns into a Kodak ad. I know it was my... Do you remember him? I know. If you're making my... Do you remember him? I know.

If you're making memories, why take the photo? That's his anger. All right. I know it was my fault to dig into her personal stuff I had no right to at all. But after seeing all those,

I don't feel special with her anymore. Don't, uh, this motherfucker. But the connection with her still feels Don't awe this motherfucker. But the connection with her still feels deep and special. She gave me a chance. She loves me and cares for me.

She showed me what it's like to be loved, which never happened before. And every time I think of those good things about her, I can't help but rethink, well, she had all that with ten other dudes before me, and it gets me depressed

and feels like I could do much better. I talked about it several times with her, and she says, and she says she understands my pain. I said we should break up, but she cried and begged for me to stay

because she's never found anyone. Did someone just have her crying? She never found anyone like me before. On one hand, I feel finally on one hand, I feel like I finally found someone who's really cool, fun-loving, and someone who has a deep connection

with me. But on the other hand, her past is a blizzard of dicks. And she has a serious problem. What do you suggest I do? Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis, everybody.

Pouring out for Crandis. Crandis wants to feel special and he's not special anymore because his lady has been with other boys in the past. I think Crandis is special. How so is he special? I think he's one of the more insecure loser assholes that we've ever heard

from on the show. Do you think that his lady friend gave him a key as a reward for a chore that he did? As a reward? I think it was to accomplish the chore.

A chore. And then after he did the chore. Yeah, it was like, hey, will you go bring this milk, what up, strong dude, back to my apartment?

And he was like, oh yeah, I don't want it to curdle. And then he went in and he was like, I found a desk! A desk with memories everywhere! Your memory desk!

What is this? My main problem with this girl is that she's wasting frames. She put it... Like, she's putting the framed photos in the desk. They should be removed from the frames, and then you don't have to buy new frames. There's no reason for a framed photo to be in a desk. Does that not feel like a little bit...

I think you're focusing on the wrong part. Well, so is Krandis. He's not thinking about the frames. It's weird that she has the dick pics in the flash drive. Those are secret. Oh, you don't think it's weird? You keep X pics on flash dicks?

I don't specifically have a flash disc dick. A dick disc. But I have like... It dick. Disk dick. Yeah. A dick disk. A dick of disks. But I have like, well, it's all in the cloud now these days. But there are like, you know, CDs or something of my kind. Yeah, CD CDs. Potato.

They started to applaud before you said potato. Still counts. Like, she just has a flash drive with lots of stuff. It's not like she specifically kept the dick pics. By the way, if she did, that is also fine. Are you a fan of throwing away? Like, when do you throw

away all these? You date someone, let's say, like I've dated someone for three years. Congrats, man. That's actually really special. Cheers. Who's the lucky guy? It's actually Peter. Is it really? I didn't mean to deride homosexuality.

I'm super happy for you guys. I'm sorry I said who's the lucky guy in a sarcastic way. No, I actually really support it. Who is the lucky guy, actually? Who is the lucky guy? For me or for you? No, for me. Oh, sorry, I said who's the lucky guy in a sarcastic way. Yeah, no, I actually really support it. Who is the lucky guy, actually? Who is the lucky, for me or for you? No, for me. Oh, for you? Yeah.

Who is the lucky guy? You're the lucky guy. Really? I'll fuck him just to prove I'm not homophobic. I'll actually, yeah, yeah, I will. I'll blow the dude if it meant I didn't hate gay people. Shit. I do this for the rights.

Treat me like a snake. I'm a fucking serpent, dude. A slimy little bottom feeder. And then after dating somebody for so long, I have pictures of them and us together. It feels so weird just being like, well, time to dump this photo album. It feels almost like it takes more effort

for me to go take a flight to New York and a train to Connecticut to go through an old box so I can dump out my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend's pictures. That's like thinking about her way more than I should. This is you explaining to your girlfriend who found

the box. Well, I also saw the flash drives with lotion and Kleenex. It takes more effort not to jerk off to old videos of us fucking. No, there are a couple things in there that made me feel like he is... Can I actually see this email? You can sexually see it.

I mean, who talks like that? Painter. Painter. He wants to be special which is sort of a funny thing alright so here we go one second

okay we have all the time in the world first of all he's mad at her for making memories which is kind of like

a default human thing did you fucking remember dude wait a second you remember your ex you legit remember him could you Wait a second. You remember your ex? I can't remember him. Could you picture his fucking face?

You little hoe. You know his name, don't you? Here's my other problem. Yeah, the frame's in the desk. He's thinking now that he could do much better. And he also explicitly stated up top that this is the first girl that ever made him feel love. Yeah.

He's a little virgin boy, and he refuses to find anyone who's been with somebody else before. Just to refute a couple things, you couldn't find anybody else, because you are a special kind of asshole. And if she is having a problem

breaking up with you, like if you tried and she started crying, then like, let's just show her this email. Because then she'll definitely break up with you. And I think the world would be a better place. The end. Cheers, everybody.

We have a question from a lady oh my god I love imagining that guy's wearing a suicide vest that just didn't go off. That was the last thing you wanted everyone to hear. I fucking go out like that, man.

Guy at home later just eating cereal. Oh, pfft. I was four hours off. Eating a croissant. Suicide vest. That's funny. It's actually not. Sorry. Croissant.

He was actually just ordering food. Does anybody have a female's? No, we'll use croissant. Croissant. That was a just ordering food. Does anybody have a female's? No, we'll use croissant. Yeah. Croissant. That was a really good accent, too. Are you from French? You're not? Could have fooled

me, bro. It's roughly 38 degrees Celsius in here, right? We can agree on that. Is anyone else hot as fuck? It is the heat of 200 people breathing a lot for an hour. degrees Celsius in here, right? We can agree on that. Is anyone else hot as fuck? Great. It is the heat of 200 people breathing a lot for an hour.

We're inside of a mouth right now. But hey, I'll be in a sauna with all y'all, all my best friends from Ireland. What up? Hey, if y'all want to get naked, just say the word. Because J-With be dying to, uh, I'll start with my pants so it's not illegals or nothing.

Or it's extra illegal. Suicide vest. That was funny. Thanks, man. Crescent! Crescent! Come on! Crescent! Crescent!

Crescent! Fuck! Crescent! Crescent! Crescent! Crescent! Crescent! Crescent! Crescent! It's just really hot on his body. Ah! Crescent!

He's a pterodactyl Cassatt writes There's this little girl in my class That I sit beside It's from a female It's way less creepy than a female. On the surface, she seems like a nice gal. Everyone likes her.

She's very polite and kind. However, I sit beside her every day and I know she's an awful person. She scowls at any jokes about Christianity. When people play rap music with swearing in it or a movie with drugs, nudity, or violence, she starts saying that the music or film is bad even though it's widely regarded as a masterpiece she supports donald trump and has no problems with america first and has no problems with ted cruz she refused to watch

a film because there was a transsexual in it and told me that she didn't want Disney to make a film that deals with homosexuality. The problem is, I'm the only one that knows any of this because I sit beside her. How can I out her true colors to the rest of the class? Love, Croissant. Let's give it up for Croissant. Croissant.

I did not see it going there. Yeah, she wants to know how to expose, how to write an expose that deals with this lady that, once again, she sits besides. Well, is it morally correct to expose a bigot for being a bigot? Oh, whoever the fuck opened that door, leave it that way.

Oh my god, that breeze is beautiful. Actually, we can take these mics off. Can you guys feel that? Close the door! Comedy should be in a sweaty, hot box. We should want to laugh our way out. Just eating a baked potato. Live. Just eating a baked potato?

Why? She wants to... He was right to ask why. Liar. Why does she want to expose this lady that she sits beside? Because she wants everyone to know that this lady is a bigot. Oh, it's her job to whistleblow.

Yeah. To sit. Silence is no longer an acceptable course of action. It's kind of like the hashtag Black Lives Matter movement. In what way? Every day that I don't tweet that is another day that I support the opposition. That you're complicit. Well, to be fair, you haven't tweeted

blue lives or all lives matter. I have a lot. Yeah, that's true. My account was hacked by this girl that croissant sits besides. Well, do you think that this girl, do you think she deserves

to be exposed as a Trump supporter? That's a good question. I guess if you're a bad person, it's not... Let's be clear, you guys, politics aside, anyone who supports Trump is a bad person. Yeah. Inherently. Or just dumb.

Yeah. Sometimes you're nice and dumb. But you can be dumb and bad. Yeah, sometimes you can be bad and dumb. Sometimes you can be dad and bum. My dad is a bum. What? My dad is a bum. My father is a hobo. He's a what?

He's a hobo. A hobosexual. He's a bindle. Yeah, he has a bindle and rosy cheeks. He has rosacea. Echinacea. He lives in the street. Anyway. So how do you out someone as being bad?

First of all, what class has so many movies about transsexuals, songs that are going off, rap music? That's the world in the modern day, in the LGBTQ society that we live in. So let's say I'm the girl that Croissant U sits beside. So secretly we're watching, let's say, a film about a transgendered woman. What's your name if I'm Croissant? Oh, I'm Scone.

Okay. Or as you guys call it, Scon. No! Wow! Never ever been angrier. Oh shit! You guys didn't react when we said Black Lives Matter, but everyone is like,

Scone lives matter! For 20 minutes I yelled potato and tater, and it was fine. So you guys say scone. And Britain says scone? And that's the only difference. Do you think no one says scone? No one says scone?

A lot more people cheered when I said Britain says scone. Only London. I'm the queen a letter from the queen London sends its regard fuck me someone has to make better

one of these fuck alright so I'm Skan your croissant dude Alright, so I'm Skan You're Dirk Frisson We're watching a movie about a transsexual woman What movie is about a transsexual woman? Let's say Hedwig and the Angry Inch I assume I haven't seen it

Sounds about right I love this movie Disgusting I could watch this all day. I hope Disney never makes a film regarding or about the topic of what I consider

evil, a.k.a. homosexuality. I'm gonna say something. Don't. Very well. Please don't. I won't. I'm trying to enjoy it. I confided in you. I know.

Just let's enjoy the movie. We have a difference of opinion. Make America great again, brother. I don't. I think it's pretty good. As it were. Namaste. I also support Cruz.

How could you support both of them? Whatever. They're rivals. Who cares? You should. If you support one candidate, you should support the other. Okay.

I'm going to miss the part where Hedwig gets his dick chopped off. Which I think happens. I'm going to miss the part where Hedwig gets his dick chopped off. Which I think happens. I'm not secretly gay. Sorry? I'm not gay. Oh, does your hate come from a place of... No!

Fear and insecurity? Crescent! Is that what she's afraid of? Interesting. I don't know if we gave her any advice, but let's give it up for Chris-on. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just

concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been

talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. That was fun. Yeah, thank you guys. We shot NatureBox out of a cannon into everyone's mouth.

It was amazing. They all choked on the peanut butter nom-noms. There are so many funny comedians at this festival. We thought, why not bring a friend of ours out? Yes. And I'm hearing, I heard you guys say Ben a couple times. And that's, yes, I love that you want him. And he's a great friend of ours.

But unfortunately, he's very, very busy. And you guys, when you chant for Ben's name, you make the other comedians who might come on the stage feel a little insecure. And this guy, I think you really are going to like him. Don't boo, because he's one of your own countrymen. Do you understand? You're countrymen. Do you understand? It's... You're countrymen. Do you guys get that?

He was born in the small town of Kilkenny. He cut his teeth doing stand-up comedy right here in Dublin. You guys, this dude flew all the way in from the cliff of fucking Moore. Please welcome your native son, Ben Schwartz! Yes, dude! Yes, dude! How is everybody tonight?

Really good cover, Jake Thanks, man Kill Kenny reference Yeah, yeah, yeah You told me the name of the town This is very exciting Look how many people are here. By a round of applause, how many people are from Dublin?

Alright, that's not bad. And how bad is that copper place they went to yesterday? On a scale of... That's absolutely unfair. I went there on Thursday. And you said it was the best bar you've ever been to. Honestly, it was. I could do my mic stand work.

Oh, really? What do you got? I changed the mic stand the whole show so it's like a little treat for us but nobody else gets to do it. It's like the podcast audience doesn't get to understand how much. So what Ben's doing right now is fucking with him. Oh, yeah.

He's sort of churning the mic stand a little bit. Okay. It's going up and down. And now he's sort of fumbling around with the clip. See? It kills. It crushes. Wait, wait. This is how it really works. Okay. So this is... Yeah.

You gotta intro me, and I'm gonna be a comic that doesn't know that his microphone is way too big for the stand. Oh, that's good. Okay, intro me one more time. All right. Intro me one more time. Do we do the song again, or just...

No, no, no, no. Just intro me out. Okay. Okay. Ladies and... Guys, just fucking intro me. I was... Christ.

Okay. He was just getting started. All right, ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Ben Schwartz. How is everybody? Everybody good? Good? The mic won't fit into the clip. Oh, it fits.

Do you want to do it again? Dude, no joke. No joke. That sketch was directed by M. Night Shyamalan. What? That was the twist. That was the motherfucking twist. The twist was that the bit fit? Yeah, and I've been dead the whole time.

What? I've been bread the whole time. I'm actually not offended he got a bigger applause than us. I really don't care. I did not. You guys got a bigger applause than us I really don't care I did not you guys got a great applause it was fine

it was nice you shouldn't like the fact that you even brought it up everyone knows that you're thinking about it honestly when you guys got the applause

I was like oh that's cute can't wait till I get out there that's cute that's cute I saw you whisper over to the stage manager 7 out of 10

yeah and then you said watch an 11. I went, yeah. The second before you announced it, I go, watch this. You tried to kiss her, but you backed off a little bit. I did try to kiss her. And she said, we don't do that here.

I go, we don't do it in America either. I just went for it. I just, a big fucking swing. Yeah. Big swing. A big Hurley swing. Yeah. Guys, listen.

This is real. This is in a bit. I lived in Kilkenny for three months when I was in a university, listen. This is real. This is in a bit. I lived in Kilkenny for three months when I was in university, and I studied sport there. So I studied Gaelic football and Hurley. This is a real thing. And all that stuff. So I love this country very, very much. And me and Amir think it's all right.

Yeah, it's decent. And man, if I could tell you the shit that Jake and Amir were saying backstage, and I said, I'm going to defend this country to the death. It was mostly about Northern Ireland. Yeah. Really? Fuck Belfast. Fuck Scotland.

I know it's not part of Northern Ireland, but it's a different country. This is insane. Fuck Iceland, because it's sort of alphabetically similar. You know what I'm saying? Wapoo. Wapoo. Different sucks. Different sucks. No, no, no, saying? Different sucks. Different sucks.

No, no, no. Different sucks. No, no. Different sucks. Guys, you're welcome to say Donald Trump, ladies and gentlemen. Donald Trump. No, no, no, no. If different didn't suck, then why would you be you?

What? You're the best because that's who you are. You're literally saying lines from Lonely and Horny. Thanks for watching, man. Who was the first person to buy Lonely and Horny? Ben Schwartz's uncle. No joke, I was the very first person. Number one purchase.

Who was the first person to give it a bad Yelp review? Also you, brother. Yeah, baby. And who was the first person to submit it as a restaurant? You best start believing in ghost stories. You're in one. Guys, I say, I say, fuck you. Wow. It was the Pirates of the Caribbean reference?

What, do you hate Pirates of the Caribbean? Sure, the second and third ones were a little not great, but the first one. Wow, shit. Orlando Bloom's a hero, brother. Yes, indeed he is. Do you want to get to a question? Yeah.

You get that's not how shows work, right? The host is usually not also the bartender. Do you know this person? I don't. We gave him a little drink earlier and you know what they say, give a mouse an inch and he'll take a bard. I'm almost

certain that's not how it goes. Alright, so in this podcast you guys ask questions. That's right. Can I ask you a question? Absolutely. What's your favorite part about Ireland so far since you've been here Oh, you know what, so far it's really been the people Specifically, Lee, who had to pee

You're actually one of the worst people I've ever met I'm a monster too I hate myself and I hate you It should feel Put you in a company of two, brother Your Irish accent is so strong right now Oh, really? and I hate you. It should feel... Put you in a company of two, brother. Your Irish accent is so strong right now. Oh, really?

Yeah. The drunker I get, the better... Oh, the better it gets, my friend. The better it gets, the better it gets. Could you imagine

going to someone here who has a very thick, let's say, cork accent, really thick accent, and then comes to America and pretends to do an American accent, and how much

you would hate that? Oh, I would hate it a ton! Oh, man. Oh, Peter! I would hate her. And wager a potato. He's back, baby! Yes, dude! Back to the Pirates of the Caribbean shit that we were doing.

Man, how good is Pirates of the Caribbean? Where has the rum gone? Where has the rum gone? Where has the rum gone? All right, let's hit a question. Let's hit a question. Thank you guys for having me. Happy to be here. Is your phone ringing?

Do you want me to grab it? Don't be sorry. Throw your phone away. Who by, I don't want to hear right now, but who by hands up thinks they have the most, the weirdest ringtone? All right. hands up thinks they have the most, the weirdest ringtone. Alright. Who's always mostly on vibrate?

Jake likes to say things to include everybody. I say the thing that makes no sense to Jake. Yeah, but like, who here breathes air and blows out carbon dioxide? A tree, sad tree, walks away. You take advantage of me. Groot goes, I am Groot, and leaves.

It's a weird reference, guys. Let's hit a commercial break. MeUndies, the most comfortable underwear. They're made of Modal. This person needs a name, and I know usually people... Mickey! Mickey! They usually shout names Mickey but we do have somebody on stage

Who's very good at coming up with names Actually If I can guide you in any way This person has a very normal name Oh a really normal name? You want to know that guy's name? Yeah I mean that guy probably has a very normal name

Well let's just I guess let's hear the name Is it a guy you've never met before? This guy's name is Anything, quickly though I'm very good at making up names Especially if it's normal I have his name in my head right now

It's a very normal name You have it in your head but you haven't said it First name goes a little something like... Like it rhymes with this, or it actually is this? No, here it comes. You should just be able to say the name if it's a normal name. Sure, okay. We'll just be quiet and you'll say it.

This guy's name is Sterlp. Sterlp? S-T-U-R-L-P. Sterlp. Sterlp, yeah. Last name, a napkin. Oh! Sorry.

Still got it, baby! They may take away your web series, but they'll never take away my skills to think of terrible names. Did you say his last name was A-napkin? A-napkin. Yeah. Like Stephen A. Smith.

Yes, dude. American reference. Quite frankly, dude. American Reference. Quite frankly, dude. American Reference. Stay away from me. American Reference. Friends, Fraser, cheers. I can't be drinking this out of the bottle.

That's bad. No, you really should keep on doing it. I love it so much, buddy. I'm already feeling warm. I know. That's a good feeling, man. Do you guys drink Jameson or it's because it's here? We know you drink Jameson.

You actually steal Jameson. You are Jameson. This is Jameson. He is a bottle of a man. By the way. You're putting more light on him, which encourages him to talk more. Me? The audience is turning on you.

I just wanted to say, Friends, Fraser, cheers was so fast. I was so impressed by that. People glossed over it. Wait, what happened? I made three American references very quickly. In the sales, he said, Friends, Fraser, cheers.

And it was really quick. Good on you, man. Thanks, dude. I had to borrow friends, facers, cheers. And it was really quick. Thanks, dude. I had to borrow Jake's flannel, everybody. Alright, let's get to the question. If you guys were at the show a couple days ago... I was wearing that shirt. I'm a high school senior guy with an outrageous bush in my butthole.

Sorry, let me read the question. Let me read the question now. I should start the question. Oh, wow, the question starts in the same way that I described myself. Oh, you have the same problem. I'm a high school senior guy with an outrageous bush in my butthole.

Sometimes the hair pokes out when I'm standing normally. I hate doing this show. Because what are you doing? What are you talking about? It's about to get worse. We're helping people. We'll see.

Anyway, I want to get rid of it, but I don't know which method to use. If I shave it, it'll be prickly as a bat and annoy the shite out of me. If I use that nair shit, it might burn my balls and hurt my ass. What's funny? That's objectively. I don't care who you are. A burning ass? We all have buttholes.

I was thinking of layering it, but it sounds sketchy and expensive. What does layering mean? I don't know. I think it's a typo. Have you seen Friends? Rachel. My anus hair has the Rachel.

Hi, can I have the Rachel? Uh-oh. Not my head hair. Oh, no, no, no. Down here. Watch this. Not my head hair. Oh, no, no, no. Down here. Watch this. As you can see, I'm in quite the quandary. What should I do

to get rid of my butthole hair? Thank you. Love. Stirlp a napkin. Stirlp a napkin. Let's give it up for Stirlp a napkin. What do you think, Jakey? How would you get rid of a hairy butthole? Do you have a hairy butthole?

Would you even know if you had a hairy butthole? Do not put me on blast. I do not have a hairy butthole. I have a normally... There's a couple... There's some... Prove it! Prove it!

These guys don't want to see my anus. Yeah, we do. Let's see that brown eye. I see my anus. Started off with a kiss. I did it and I'm like ass. It was only your ass. It was only your ass. Completely hairless. Wow. Are you really

leaving? Losing... From that highlight of the show. You lost two women. I don really leaving? Losing. From that. Highlight of the show. You lost two women. I don't know why. You were just dancing. Oh, they're high-fiving at the end. They're so happy to leave. Straight to our tent where they will see my asshole later.

All right. What is your answer for that? How would you get rid of asshole? I have some hair around the ass. I don't know. I guess, how would you know if that's of asshole? I have some hair around the ass. I don't know if... I guess, how would you know if that's normal? I never look at other people's ass. When you wipe your ass, sometimes do you pull hair out?

I'm gonna let Jake take this one. Do you feel hair when you're wiping your ass? Is it that close? How deep do you wipe your asshole? Do you use paper or do you just use your hands? I use a twig. And you feel hair through it?

I hear hair through the twig. That is very thick. I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth. That's what's up. You gotta own it so you just get assless chaps. I would fucking braid it. You play the famous Will Smith song.

Who's that fucking Avatar from Avatar, dude? Dude, four sequels. Four sequels for Avatar they're making. Excuse me? They're making three more right now. Whoa, no more insider secrets. I know your buddy's with James, but you can't leak that shit before it gets on deadline.

So I'll braid it down like a little ponytail. I would dread it. I would dread that answer. I would dread to answer. I would dread to answer. I mean, because you wear a dreadlock, you know, oh, you don't really wash it very often. Of course. So that's kind of... Oh, did you really? Oh.

What's gross about an unwashed butt? You guys are so square here in Ireland. By round of applause, how many of you guys use the bidets here? There's bidets here? Exactly, alright I'm in London right now When I'm in London, I look at the bidet and have no fucking idea what to do

That was your sink, that was the sink Oh, I took a shit in my sink By the way, that was a water fountain And it was right out there You were in a public mall Yeah, there was a series of geese that were looking at me like A series of geese? Yeah, a series of geese that were looking at me like, what is going on? A series of geese.

Yeah, a series of geese. How many is in a series? Probably seven. Seven geese in a series? Yeah. What is a lot of geese called? A flock of geese? Gaggle.

Gaggle a geese. This is good. Okay, good. What are a lot of lions called? Pride. Pride. Okay, why don't you let the audience fucking answer. What are a lot of ducks called?

Oh, of course, a dock. Oh, yeah, the dock of ducks. A dock of ducks, maybe. You think that Irish people speak like pirates. Is there a difference? Yes, a huge difference. Prove me wrong, mate. Imagine, if you will, a rainforest.

You're walking by. You're a machete. Everybody close their eyes. Oh, I'm thirsty. It's humid in here. Suddenly you pull apart a thicket. You peer in and see, oh my gosh, a lagoon, a clear water lagoon,

a desert oasis in the middle of the forest. That's what my ass feels like. Pan out so much, you reveal that thicket was my ass hair, but the butt itself is very clean. Blue water, as clear as night.

That's what it feels like. I feel like I have hair around the anus, but once you get to the different skin, the little brown wrinkly eye, that's as clean as can be. Oh my God, we are learning so much about Amir's asshole. Do you think this guy has a hairy eye? I feel compelled to say, keep recording. I know your hand is hovering over

whatever button there is to shut him off, but just keep it going. He's about to strike gold. Do you think this guy with a hairy butthole means he has hair on his sphincter or just the same hair that I have around the butthole? You mean you think he has hair inside his anus?

I think that's what he means. I think there's a very decent chance that he just has a hairy ass. Yeah, I can't imagine he's somehow looked inside his own asshole. Okay, so for the second question in a row, I thought about buttholes instead of the actual thing. What happens? Do you know what happens when you look inside his own asshole. Okay, so for the second question in a row, I thought about buttholes instead of the actual thing. What happens? Do you know what happens when you look inside your own asshole?

No. You see your goddamn future. Really? Yeah. Is it always bleak and black? It's always bleached. It's always bleached. Oh, I wish that was the end of the show.

All right, real quick, how would you get rid of ass hair if you happen to have a lot of ass hair? Fire it Fire? So that's the worst idea We'll work backwards from We'll go from worst to best Lighting your anus on fire, we'll say Is a zero out of ten

I would do just a buzzer Just around the, don't get too close to the hole No, that's correct, that's correct. He has the right answer. Fuck you for saying no. Would you give it a two faded up to a four? So it looks like an Irish football fan? Something like etched into the side? Yeah, that's cool.

Like Anthony Mason. An artificial part. Oh, like the two lines. I think that's the correct answer. Or if you want to get real crazy with it, you can get like a Mach 3 and just cross your fingers. Oh, that's not while you're doing it, though. I always said that.

When you shave your asshole and you fart, it's like firing a gun without a silencer. I just made that up. Did that work? Because I'll tweet it. I like to say things for the first time after I've said I always say.

I would call a place that does Brazilian bikini waxes and sort of, I'll giggle. Do you guys do guys' asses? Do it, do it, do it. All right. Pretend I'm a beautiful woman that works at a Brazilian place. Awesome. Okay. So first come in and remember I'm fucking, I'm not, I'm so good.

Am I on the phone or I walk in? How you'd ever walk into a Brazilian place. All right, go. All right. I'm just hanging out. I'm texting someone. Okay, so am I calling in or am I? You're walking in.

Of course. Can I do a sound of the door? Yeah, of course. Okay, cool. Let's do like bells that are on top of the door. I don't know. Ring, ding. Okay, so that was, I was thinking of a little jingly bell. I know. Okay, well I was just doing a little bit of top of the door. I know. Okay, so that wasn't it.

I was thinking of a little jingly bell. Why don't we just do a little bit of a creaky door? Alright, so ready. Creaky door, jingly bells. Do you want to do creaky or no creaky? And the store is closed. You want to wait until the next day? 9 a.m. the next day, I've unlocked the door. But now a fucking ugly dude is there.

No, same beautiful woman No still a dingy jingly Jingly jingly Oh that's good Uh hey Oh sorry What's your name? How can I help you?

You have an awesome American voice Oh thank you So you wax pussies? We don't like to call it that. Oh, thank you. We manicure people's bodies so they feel more confident in themselves. That's awesome. So what I have is a thicket of hair, pubic hair, coarse curly pubes inside and

around my anus. That's my butthole, my brown eye where I shit out of. And I was wondering what would the policy slash monetary compensation be if you were to wax that thicket, mow it down like a Brazilian, no offense, rainforest,

and make me shiny and pure as Michelangelo's David in the back. I am so sorry. I had my iPhone. I was listening to music. What did you say? I was saying,

is this a pizza restaurant? No, this isn't a pizza restaurant. I was looking for a half pepperoni, half cheese, garlic bread, and a Greek salad. Never mind. All right, let's get out of here. Let's get out of here.

My God. Too bad that guy didn't ask me to shave his ass or I would have fucked him. Oh, no! Let's answer another question. American reference! Don't let you be.

Can you do it again? I can do many, of course. I'm from the country. American reference! Guys, come on. Let's ask a question. One more question? No, two more?

Whatever. Let's do another question. When are they going to kick us out of this tent? You guys having fun? Who's not having fun? Me! I'm Sherry Fitzgerald. You guys having fun? Who's not having fun? Me. I'm Sherry Fitzgerald. You raised both of your hands.

All right. All right. Giggity giggity. That's Quagmire. He's from Ireland. American reference. All right. Another guy's name?

Another guy's name. Is it a totally normal name? Totally normal. Here we come, baby. Jerfry. Jerfry. J-E-R-R-F-P-H-R-I-E. Jerfry.

Everything's different. Jerfry. Everything's the worst one about that. Jerfry Pinbull. P-I-N-B-U-L-L. Pinbull. Yeah. Fair enough.

Rights. Hi, guys Yeah. Fair enough. Rights. Hi, guys. Longtime fan. I feel like I could use some help trying to convince my GF of five years to do something a little on the weird side. Is gluten free? American reference. No, that's here. We went to a restaurant with a lot of GFs. This is so weird.

This question's also about a butt. Is it really? Yeah. What are you doing? Whatever. I'm at a Game Boy like some type of butt thing. What does Game Boy mean?

Well, the Game Boy is he was at the apartment and he was searching for silly words, I suppose. Wait, what? What is Game Boy? He's a character that sometimes stops by.

Oh, here. I would be embarrassed to do it in front of Ben. Oh, who wants to see Game Boy? Oh, and Jake is no joke blushing. He's really nervous. Ben's a very successful, funny friend of mine. But wait, I've never even heard of Game Boy.

Yeah, I know. Not a lot of people have. All right, let me hear him. Let me hear him. Can I be in a scene with him or no? I don't know. Oh, you're really nervous. I'm quite timid.

I'm quite timid about it. Sure, yeah. Let's do a little Game Boy, I suppose. There's not really anything that he does. You're like a shy kid Who practices all day long And their parents are like Play I'm like no whatever

Oh come on Jake Tell your joke No it's fucking gay dude Like whatever It's so dumb dude Like you won't even like it I hate it Do Game Boy

I'll tell my favorite joke Of all time If you do Game Boy Really? Okay So in comparison He'll be really funny Hey if you do your Shitty character, I'll be great.

Hey, Jake, do your dumb fucking voice. And I'll do, after years of listening to comedy, I'll do the best joke I've ever heard. Do Friends Frazier cheers again. I do want to hear it. Okay, well, I'll do Game Boy and I'll ask you to hear the joke. Is that fine? No, no, no, I want to hear Game Boy.

Okay, all right, fine. Oh, the Game Boy and I'll ask you to hear the joke. Is that fine? No, no, no. I want to hear Game Boy. Okay. All right. Fine. Oh, the Game Boy. The Game Boy wears his hat in a weird way. Wait, wait, wait. Let the girls get back to their seats. They're going to want to see this. Hey, ladies. My Mercedes.

Game Boy. All right. Here we go. Game Boy. Here we go. Oh, he's here. Yeah. You'll never believe.

All right, Jakey, let me hear it. Have you ever felt this shame? There is no... Hey, everybody take out your phones and Snapchat this. I want everybody in this room to take out your phones and Snapchat the next 10 seconds of the show. Everybody. Whether you have Snapchat...

Yes, I want to see every phone. You can Instagram it, too, if you want. Oh, absolutely. Whether you have a video feature, a Snapchat... Hashtag Game Boy to hashtag Best Night of My show. Everybody. Whether you have Snapchat. Yes, I want to see every phone. You can Instagram it too if you want. Oh, absolutely. Whether you have a video feature, a Snapchat. Hashtag Game Boy and hashtag best night of my life. I'm only seeing half the phones. We'll take the time. Yes, more phones. All the phones. More phones. That's good. Absolutely. Alright, let's see.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you. Don't start it yet. We'll do a 3, 2, 1 and then we'll press play. Can you shut off your flash real quick? No, no. Leave it on. three, two, one, and then we'll press play. Okay. Can you shut off your flash real quick? No, no, leave it on. All right, ready? Three, two, one. Record.

Oh. Oh, hello. I am the Game Boy. I've come here on stage, and I'm ready to play my games yeah let's go for the Game Boy that was not easy I'm really proud of you for doing that I blacked out

Beth loves it what is he doing I don't know anything more about him than I knew two seconds ago oh you don't know anything more about him than I knew two seconds ago. Oh, you don't know that he's always coming? Yeah, that's his voice. He's always on the precipice of an orgasm.

Hey, I am a Game Boy. The world's exciting to the Game Boy. What's your best joke of all time? I didn't write it. It's not my joke. I can't take credit for it. I think it's a joke that's been around a very long time. But I think this audience is perfect for it. All right, ready?

Two whales go into a bar. The first whale says, Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! The other whale says, Charlie, you're fucking hammered. I don't know. I can't give credit. I think it's a joke.

It's been around a long time. I actually know the long version of that. I won't do it. I won't do it. American joke. It's been around a long time. I actually know the long version of that. I won't do it. I won't do it. American Netflix. That's good. All right. I already forgot the guy.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Face. I forgot the question. Why the fuck you come up with these shitty ass names? It's the one about assholes. What? Isn't it about assholes? Yeah, I was just saying the name. Oh.

Oh, I don't remember. Does anybody remember what the name was? Jerfry? Oh, yes. Thank you so much. Wait, we haven't read the Does anybody remember what the name was? Oh, yes. Thank you so much. Wait, we haven't read the question yet? Jerfree. Pinball.

Pinball. Pinball. Good memory. Jerfree Pinball. Oh, I'm so happy. You're laughing like he came up with it. I mean, it's funnier to have someone else say it back to you. Is that how funny I am?

No. That's pretty good. I know I have fans. It's just, imagine anybody saying pimble to you. That's nothing to do with me making it. All right. Jeffrey Pimble. When I upload the podcast, I'm going to cut from you saying the name to you cracking up saying it.

Imagine somebody saying that to you. It could happen to you Alright, Jeffrey writes Hi guys, long time fans And I feel like I could use some help Trying to convince my GF of five years To do something a little on the weird side I've developed a weird obsession with her butt

This episode's called Butt What is that? What's that? You don't know about the pinch? Sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. I have a Snapchat for this reason. But I guess I don't know what it means.

I'll save it for a bit. I'll save it for a bit. All right, here we go. All I can think about is her sweet, perfect, plump ass all day long. I literally have dreams where I'm rubbing things like oil and honey on it. The other day, I actually had a dream where I rubbed her famous cupcakes all over her ass and licked them off.

Anyways, I want her to sit on my face, and I just smother me with her ass until I tap out. I want a front row seat of that chocolate starfish. What is this show? It's just porno now.

It's like fan fiction for your real show. And real fiction for my fan show. Look at this fucking whiskey. I love this dude. Yes, dude. I have a sponsorship with Jameson. I have to take like a little bit every time. Finish half the bottle, mate.

Entire bottle. Ben would die. That's literally asking me to kill myself. Will you fill this up, though? Will you fill this up for Jakey? Oh, we're out. I'm so sorry we don't have any more. Really?

You downed it. The one time I suggested it, she kind of laughed it off as if I was joking. So, how do I approach the situation? I don't want her to think I suggested it, she kind of laughed it off as if I was joking. So how do I approach the situation? I don't want her to think I'm weird, and I know she's squeaky clean back there because I've snuck a few whiffs while we've been doing the deed. Please advise. Thank you.

Love, Jeffrey Pimble. Jeffrey Pimble. Jeffrey Pimble. You want some ice, buddy? Oh, cool. You guys get ice? I couldn't fit a Cuban bottle. I missed the middle of it because I was laughing. He wants to eat and smear shit on her ass.

And it's his girlfriend of five years. No, sorry, cupcakes. Cupcakes, oil, and honey. Cupcakes, oil, and honey. Not her asshole, her ass. Her ass. He wants her asshole. Her ass. Her ass. Well, he does want to put... He wants her asshole

on his face. He wants her to sit on... Her butt on his face. I put your ass on my face. I put your ass on my face. I put your ass... What a sweet thing because they've been

dating for five years. This isn't some pervy guy who wants to do it to a barista. Oh, it's gorgeous. It's a beautiful thing. I don't think... Celebrate yourself.

I don't understand the fetish of putting cupcakes on it. And also, why are her cupcakes famous? Who is this? It's Mrs. Fields. This is Mrs. Fields? Yeah. The American reference. What is the famous, is there a famous cookie that has a woman's name on it here or no?

Mrs. Fields is as good as we're going to get. What is it? Miriam. All right. And also, what's your favorite type of biscuit? Because I've heard a lot of weird ones. What's your favorite biscuit if I'm going to get like biscuits here?

Rich tea is my biscuits. Have a biscuit. It was a big biscuit who yelled that at me. She was dunking herself in tea. Okay, I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll try it.

Okay, okay, okay. So this guy wants to smear oil, honey, and cupcakes, make some sort of weird concoction on his girlfriend's big, beautiful chocolate ass. He wants her to sit on his face. They've been dating for five years.

Is it embarrassing to ask her of that? I don't think he could probably do it. After five years, I'm sure you've done everything. You have a close enough relationship where you could probably say things like that. Cupcakes is weird. I've had a close enough relationship after 20 or 30 minutes where I've said stuff like that. What's the weirdest thing you've said to someone on the first time hooking up with them?

Truly. I'm asking you as a friend. I don't say it. Pretend 300 people are here. I'm very silent. I am a shy little boy. You're a little serpent assassin. I just do things that are really, really foul. Well, I think't say it. Pretend 300 people are you. I'm very silent. I am a shy little boy. You're a little serpent assassin. I just do things that are really,

really foul. Well, I think they're hot, and I'll stand by that opinion, actually. I think that this person can ask, but I wouldn't go as crazy as cupcakes right off the bat. Yeah, start with something spicy. I don't think he wants it. I don't think cupcakes is the be-all, end-all. I think cupcakes is what he thinks about, but he's

really just thinking about her ass. What he wants is his tongue inside of her ass. Oh, I didn't know cupcakes is the be-all, end-all. I think cupcakes is what he thinks about, but he's really just thinking about her ass. What he wants is his tongue inside of her ass. Oh, I didn't know we were going there that quick. He wants her to sit on his face until he almost asphyxiates and taps out. Like a wrestler. And even then, give me two more seconds after the tap out.

Pretend you don't feel it until I think I'm going to Valhalla, which is in the tippy top of your anus. I want to be Wile E. Coyote under an anvil. I want to be gone completely desperate and dead. You like asses, but would you want somebody to sit on your face? You literally asked that question

like someone who really wants it. You're like, that's crazy, but do you find it crazy? Would that be hot to anyone else? This is also me at coppers I'm afraid of coppers I'm afraid of coppers To be fair, I wasn't here yet

Are you booing coppers? Just to be clear, you're booing Which means you have been to coppers, right? And you formed an opinion? It's shit Does that mean you went to coppers And you're the one person an opinion? Aye. It's shit? Does that mean you went to coppers and you're the one person that couldn't get laid when you left?

Oh, shit! Oh! Yes, dude! Yes, dude! Sit on my face, bro! I want to taste your ass, man! Whoa, whoa, Jake, Jake, Jake. Jake, the last part, what you were saying? What was over thunderous applause? No, no, no, no, Jake The last part what you were saying What was over thunderous applause No, no, no, no

Everyone was cheering and I was like Fuck you man, whatever, be quiet Sit down You literally said I got you dude Sit on my face Lick my beautiful asshole Everyone was applauding so loud they didn't hear anything We'll be on the podcast because we have mics

But yeah Is that music podcast because we have mics. No, oh. But yeah, they're okay. Is that music playing because we have to leave? What time does the show end? We started at 4.30 but fuck it. I'll drag these microphones outside and we'll continue for another two and a half. To be fair,

the speakers don't work that far. How much time do we have? Anybody? Did he say shut up? Yeah, he didn't want anybody to... That's the mayor of Dublin. No, I assume that was a positive shut up, right? Yeah.

Like, nobody tell him how much time he has. Huh? Sure enough? Sure enough. Good on you. You're fine. I got it wrong. What is it? It said just keep going. Everything here is more relaxed. We're fine.

Okay, we have ten minutes. Ten minutes! Ten more minutes! Calm down. Don't worry about it. Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Okay. We're all having fun as long as it ends at 600 seconds. Dare we answer a question that's not about asses? We'll see if we can have one We have 10 minutes

Did we answer that question? No, but you're good It's fine I tell that guy to go for it and take it in steps And see how it goes You start at the cheek You bite a cheek and then you work your way in Oh, you know what? I was going to say start ingredient by ingredient.

You rub flour on her ass. Oh, things are getting a little hot. You preheat the ass to 175. Suddenly you're rubbing. Oh, I cracked an egg. Who thinks they're getting cheeky? Pun intended. Pun intended.

A little sugar. Some icing. You have the fucking... No, no. What's the icing? You're focused more on actually making The cupcakes Than you are Getting anyone on Oh we're talking About asses again

Yeah Guys for just one second Imagine that this mic Stand as a bird And watch how funny This is Ready Wait a second

This mic's a bird Ready Oh wait wait No so for a second Jake say that you Have a cracker Oh by the way I don't know if you guys

Care I have a cracker Oh not good For the podcast listeners Jake, say that you have a cracker. Oh, by the way, I don't know if you guys care. I have a cracker. Oh, not good for the podcast listeners. That's the theme of this episode. Doesn't it look like it's silently judging all of you? Man, my fucking prop work is on fire today. One last guy's name. One last guy's name, obviously.

Jan McCool? Sure. Yeah? Fionn McCool? Yeah. Fun Michael? Yeah. Yes.

Fionn McCool. Yes. I said it. Yes, dude. How crazy is it that Ben's in Dublin? It is very weird. Yeah, it's exciting for me, man. Yeah.

It is kind of insane. That was a very quick decision. Yeah, insane coincidence. I did it because of you guys. You booked your ticket like four days ago. Yeah, I bought my ticket three days ago. Jesus Christ. By the way, I'm going to have to borrow $200. We're passing it out of the hat.

Ryanair gets real expensive if you book it. Ryanair is all about, oh, we're so cheap up until a week before then we'll rip you the fuck off and I dare you to bring a fucking bag I fucking I dare you to bring any bag that's not your backpack I dare you what's in your wallet

American reference sorry Air Lingus 24-7 365 I'm almost 20 years old writes fun michael and my parents are still signing me up to do shit without running it by me first in fact i think it's gotten worse over the past few months they'll sign me up to do something within a wait a week and then within hours of it tell me uh and leave me no choice but to do it for example my dad signed me up to play tennis with his tennis group because they didn't have numbers he told me like 20 minutes

in advance that i was playing i told him i couldn't and to stop signing me up for shit but he explained that he had already told the other two players that i would fill in which meant that if i pulled out i'd look like a dickhead. So I agreed, only to find out when we arrived, they did indeed already have, quote, the numbers. And now there was one person too many. Seeing as they were all middle-aged men that played tennis every week together, I ended up sitting in the car for two and a half hours

waiting for them to finish the game. As I write this email right now, I've just been informed that my cousin will be coming over in a couple of minutes. And that I'm giving her an art lesson. Which they just told me I was planning on making a weekly thing. Don't get me wrong. Some of the things they signed me up for are pretty cool.

But whenever I remind them They say that I should quote take one for the team I have these commitments That they have made on my behalf Meanwhile my dad's sleeping in every morning And watching Netflix all day What should I do Should I just refuse to do something

Next time they have given me a heads up Or should I make it a rule that they have to give me At least a day in advance notice? P.S. How do I eat an asshole? Just kidding about that, P.B.S. The end. Love, I don't know, fun Michael. It's late. Oh wait, never mind, it's 6.03pm.

Shit, I'm wasted and the sun is out for another four and a half hours. Let's give it up for fun Michael. Fun Michael. You ever experience this? Do your parents ever sign you up for stuff you didn't want to do and then you ended up either regretting it or loving it later? When I was a kid

they signed me up for Little League all the time. Yeah, you're talking. You're straight up talking. You're fine, dude. You're fine. You're fine. You did it. You're great. Give this guy a microphone. I'm serious. He's actually really funny, too. Are you having a great time? I love listening.

I got signed up for baseball, and I didn't want to at all. Ever. Ever. And you always did it. No, I did it for a little bit. Anyway, DMX is here. I got to go. Stop.

Meet me outside. Shut up. That's better. That song came out here last year, by the way. DMX is dead. Oh, come on. Oh, we went to a coffee shop and they played the full album of Alanis Morissette.

Don't act like you're indated. No, but then I was home. I like cartoons a lot, and I was watching cartoons. I was like, I don't want to go anymore, and he let me stop, and it was a great moment for me. What about you? You ever get signed I was like I don't want to go anymore And he let me stop And it was a great moment for me What about you?

Did you ever get signed up For shit you didn't want to do? Yeah For soccer Or as you guys call it Soccer It's amazing that you call it The American real way to say shit

Thank you for Yeah It's hard because When you're a parent You're like a 38 year old person And you're like Yeah My 9 year old has to play sports

Oh yeah I was 6 when I got signed up for science. But then when you're 9, you're like, wait, no, I'm my own person. I get to pick and choose what I want to do. When you were 9, you decided you were 9-year-old? I'm 30, and I barely decided recently. Your parents still sign you up for taxes?

Guys, we're doing a fucking show. You're just talking to each other. This is therapy for me. Oh, nice. So at what age do you say, fuck no, what age do your parents start listening to you? This kid's, how old did he say, 20? 20.

20 years old. Parents are still signing him up. Have a quick conversation with him, right? He did. Oh, all right, didn't work? I kind of zonked out in the middle of it. It was a really long email. It's hard to be like, I don't want to give my cousin art lessons.

Yeah. Like, is he good at art? That's a question I might have. Hold on, let me text him. Do you guys have time? Is he qualified to do that? Are you, comma, good at art? And by the way,

he's not terrible at things. He's not being asked to do terrible things. Yeah, he's asked to wait in the car for two and a half hours while his potter, Peter, plays tennis for a few. He didn't have to wait in the car.

You could have taken an Uber. He's a 20-year-old. If he's his own person, then he can get home. How do you guys like this rule? If you still live with your parents,

you have to abide by their rules. If you live by yourself, if you make enough money or you're a student... You sound like my fucking father. Do you like your father?

Love your father. My father. My dad... Don't you say shit about him. My dad is... He's a goddamn saint. No, my about him. My dad is a... He's a goddamn saint. No, my dad's a peanut.

He's a walnut. My dad is a cashew. My dad is... What does that mean? He's a legume? He's a legume? He's a legume. He's a nothing.

He is no one. My dad is charcuterie. What does that mean? He's not the cheese. He's not the meat. My dad is the board. Do you guys get that? He's the little carnation pickle that they put in a ramekin that nobody eats on the charcuterie plate.

My dad is the ramekin. And you better not say another fucking word about my father. Because that's not your place at all. That's my flesh and that's my blood. I come from that man. I am that man's come. That's our show, everybody. What do you think about my father? He's a fucking goblin. I think you man's girl. That's our show, everybody. What do you think about my father? He's a fucking goblin.

See, I think you hate every daddy. I do not. Ben's father is a hero. He is a hero. He's the best. Captain America. He is Captain America. Do you agree with my rule?

If you live with your parents, you got to do their shit? I kind of do a little bit. You should have some leeway as you get older, but they're still paying for your boarding and your food and everything, huh? Yeah, if they're paying for your shit, you got to do their shit. Well, you got to do some of the shit. You got to give your cousin art lessons because your cousin's a little fucking

doofus that doesn't know how to do art. Dude, are you okay? I don't fucking like any of my cousins. What are you, Andrew Dyson? With good reason. Wow. Wow. Sorry, my first girlfriend

cheating on me with my family. Fucked all my cousins except for me. I want to do one Snapchat for my Snapchat. We're ending in two minutes. Why don't we end with a Snapchat of sorts? So what can we do that would be fun for the whole audience to jump in on? Then now we all sing Oasis. Someday you will find me

Come beneath the landslide Wait, I'll just do that. Champagne supernova Champagne supernova In the sky Thanks so much for coming to the show, everybody. And thanks to Ben for coming to Ireland. Thank you, guys.

Holy shit, we love you. And thanks to Jake. And thanks to James for doing the audio. Good night, everybody. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. A lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.