Segments - 23: Scientific Study

Episode Date: September 23, 2013

In this episode we talk about imaginary girlfriends, real boyfriends, and the results of Jake's STD test. This episode is brought to you by Harrys.com -- check out their awesome shaving kits, and use coupon code "ifiwereyou22" for a chance to win free blades for a year! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live.

Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it.

091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. I knew you'd call me out, so I just said yo normally. That was not normal. Yo.

I said yo. No, that's not yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. This episode is. No, that's not. Yo. Yo. This episode is brought to you by Harry's. Harry's. H-A-R-R-Y-S dot com. And they have chill, awesome, sweet, adult.

Razors. And shaving kits. So their big recent announcement is that they have a seasonal razor collection for the fall. And they even have a lookbook and it's called Hey Wood Lookin'. So that's pretty funny. Hey Wood Lookin wood looking yeah you don't have to sing it what you got cooking they offer uh truman and winston shave sets which are 15 and 25 dollars respectively and then once you get those blades are two dollars or less and shaving cream is eight dollars they're cool they're adult it's a way of upgrading your life for very, very cheap.

You're a grown up. Act like it. I'm talking to you specifically. Oh my God. You know, I do have Harry's, so I know you're not talking to me. But if you want a Harry's shaving kit of your own, go to harrys.com and put coupon code IFIWEREYOU22 when you make the purchase and you'll be entered to win a chance at a free year of blades.

Think we're kidding? We're not because we had this contest last time we promoted Harry's and we have a winner from episode 16 and his name is Jack Donovan. Cool name for a cool guy who's got three blades. Jack Donovan sounds like the name of a guy who's going to shave with Harry's razors. Every single day. Can I just really quick, is it too far away for me to say, I don't know about you, if I were you 22? Yeah, probably. I don't know about you if I were you

22. So please check out harrys.com, put in the coupon code and yes, check them out. You won't be disappointed. Enjoy this episode, guys. Thanks, Harrys. If I were you I wouldn't ask them questions about chlamydia or herpes If I were you I'd just probably call Loveline and talk to Dr. Drew If I were you I'd ask my gynecologist what to do If I were you I'd never risk my health based on misinformation From some guy with a butterfly tattoo

And a nerdy Jew Very nice, but chill. Yeah. We appreciate the sentiment and the fact that you're a fan, but cool it. Yeah. Lovely song. Watch it, all right?

And Jake's not a nerdy Jew. And I do not have a butterfly tattoo so you uh you got your information wrong there unfortunately for you you uh your your jokes landed a little flat misguided to say the least not misinterpreted 35 minutes of this we never ever break the bit hey welcome to if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and uh that i like that uh theme song because he referenced like specific uh storylines that we've had in this on this podcast which is namely the misinformation you've given out about your sexual when am i ever gonna live that education when am i gonna live that down i

guess at least give me like three to five more episodes of bringing it up. All right, but that's really it. You actually did get the results of your STD test. We're going to save that for the break. Oh, man. A little teaser. Keep on listening, folks. And get out your pen and paper now and just try to jot some guesses as to what you think Jake has.

How about just the over-under for how many STDs I got? We're setting it at seven and a half. So make your decision now. Hey, no cheating, no lying. You're only fooling yourself. Yeah, no cheating and lying. That's just what I do in relationships. Oh, I'm alone and I'm empty inside.

Jesus, I'm so sorry. That's how I would cry if I could. Yeah, yeah. I saw a human crying on television once, and that's sort of how I mimic it when something bad is happening. Me, I'm a robot. Oh, God, you're short-circuiting. That's what syphilis is.

All right. So how does this work? Basically, people are in such tough places in their lives. They're like, God, I'm in this weird, weird place, and I don't know what to do. Should I ask a loved one? Should I confide in someone that I don't know? Or should I email in a podcast, and maybe they'll choose my question out of the thousands,

and they'll ridicule me and try to offer up their advice? I think if we make fun of certain people enough, they're on the straight and narrow, though. I do think sometimes we shame people into the right answer. Oh oh so like we give them tough love every once in a while yeah it's like yeah it's embarrassing but like this is what you needed to hear right exactly sometimes people anyway these people email us in with their questions and we answer them on the show and um that email if you wanted to email us is if i were you show at gmail.com. If I were you show. Oh. Oh.

I thought it would be cool to have a catch. I know it is. It's my ears. My ear does hurt. It's completely unrelated. I think I got it. Yeah, it was a confected or something. All right.

Then here we go. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I meant. You should always stop that. All right. I do feel bad sometimes when we make fun of people. Like I'll email people and be like,

Hey, we used your question on the show. Things got a little crazy, but I hope you like it. No response. I'm mortified by you. You asshole. I'm mortified of myself. I feel bad. I don't know.

But is it worth it? Let me work it. I'll put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Yes, it's your fifth and if and when yet. It is your fifth and if and when yet. Come on. You got a big fat dick. Let me search it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, dude? It's the rest of the song. Big fat dick. Let me search it. Find out how hard I got to work it. She says a big fat dick. It might be a big black dick.

Really? I don't know. i think they bleep it yeah if you if i had a big fat dick i wouldn't need anyone to search it well just she has to find out how hard she's got to work it oh i see so if you're a fiffiniffin when yeah i gotcha it's yours when yeah yeah missy elliott we're coming at you because we didn't have a podcast when you came out with that song, so we're going to make fun of you now. She's totally listening. Oh, yeah, she actually wore a hashtag dope t-shirt to the VMA in 2012. Her speech, her acceptance speech was seize the cheese. Why?

What did she even expect? She grabbed the moon man, she held it up above her head and she said toda god that was an amazing dream you had um so yeah should we uh should we get this party started why not i'll tell you why not because people like the intro they like it they like just to see us joking around god forbid we we get to the questions. That's just a, it's just a conceit. Okay. It doesn't mean anything. It's a structure.

All right. We don't need to care about the bare bones of the structure. They want to see us color. They want to see us color. They don't want to see the outline. They want to see the painting. Everyone just turned the podcast off. Including your mom.

She'd rather wash the dish in silence. Does she, does she still listen to this i think so hi laura hey mama uh we should have her on the show i would love that this will be a test don't tell her that we're talking about her and uh if you want to be on the if you want to be on the show laura you should email us and we'll get you on the show but if you never hear this then you'll never know right and you don't deserve to be on the show how's that mom that being said most of the guests we want on the show probably have never heard the show that's true it's not it's not fair to hold your mom to a higher standard right we only we only want people on the show who already know and love it specifically this person right

here who emailed us in let's get started started. Ready? Seamless transition. This email comes from a dude. We're going to give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity, but I assure you this email is 100% real. So this real email from this fake person, Adam, reads, So recently I've been trying to be a better person.

I've started reading books, drinking red, pursuing excitement and a girlfriend. Here lays my dilemma. I met this absolute books, drinking red, pursuing excitement and a girlfriend. Here lays my dilemma. I met this absolute gorge girl down the road. I told her that her face is awesome and she responded with smiles and a telephone number. Here's the thing. On our first date, we connected so much that we ended up banging in the bathroom of the restaurant, sober as a bone. Then banging at mine, shwasted on Merlot. I really want to date this girl, but I feel like she sees me as more of a fuckbud, a friend with benefits and a sex on tap.

What should I do? Love, Sam. I don't know why he thinks drinking red wine makes him a better person. Maybe he's lost sideways. I think his problem is his imaginary girlfriend imaginary girlfriend right or the fact that he the imaginary sex he had in the bathroom yeah this guy probably went to uh masturbated in a pizza hut bathroom and then came home so well on the first date that they fuck sober bone sober in the restaurant sober as a bone i threw her a bone. And then banging on mine, shwasted on Merlot.

I really think having sex in a bathroom is not a sober decision that anyone makes. Nobody wants to do that. No one's like, all right, dude, I need to have you right now. Let's both excuse ourselves from the restaurant where the waiter is going to be coming to check on us. Go to the bathroom and bang. Then we'll get shwasted on Merlot. No one says shwasted and then says on Merlot. You don't get shwasted on Merlot.

What do you get shwasted on? You get shwasted on, like, tequila shots. You get drunk on Merlot. You classless fuck. You're classless assless. Deaf and dumb. So what now? Let's say he is telling the truth.

Which odds are he's probably not. Right. His problem is that somebody sees him as a fuck buddy. Yeah. Isn't the problem with fuck buddies always that it gets too real and gets emotional? Just wait. Just keep doing that. Yeah.

At one point, she'll either want to date you or stop boning you. Yeah. I think if you have enough sex with anybody, you start to feel connected with them. It doesn't matter if it's like... I wonder what the Guinness Book of World Record is for longest fuck buddy without any emotional attachment. It's held by Guinness himself. Sir Alec Guinness. Guinness and Webster, actually.

It's a genuine class. And Roger as the third person in this homosexual love triangle. Though maybe it is two dudes because like that's how dudes think yeah so it's like this gay fuck buddy situation where like two dudes just wanted to bone and never got emotionally attached maybe was that an offensive uh guesstimate saying that um gay guys just uh view everybody as fuck buddies and they don't settle down or that females are incapable of having being as emotionally detached as men i guess um yeah it's offensive i wonder if it's

isn't it rooted in truth i feel like they've done studies where it's like this is like me saying stds aren't contagious they've actually done studies where it says uh girls are like clingy little shits and dudes are actually chill this is you after you got broken up with. You're schwasted on Merlot, top-yield bartender. Yeah, you know, like there's actual like scientific studies that says girls are sluts. I swear to God, there's like one. I think it was in the fucking New England Journal of whatever the fuck that said. I swear to God, it said Meredith was a slut.

Like, I don't know what their freaking hypothesis was or if they fucking use the scientific yeah i think they used her as some kind of lab rat and she ended up sucking off every single scientist in the room so they concluded that she was like some kind of mean bitch i forget i fucking i think i read the abstract on microfiche at the library and never ended up getting the entire freaking catalog in or downloading it. But that's how you know I'm chill. I really think she was a bitch at the end. The scientific conclusion was that dudes are chill and girls are cray. It was the freaking cover.

It was like that was the cover story or fucking stem cells some shit. I can't freaking remember anymore. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the truth is. I feel like I've heard that men are better at separating sex and it's like actually there's like some kind of... Evolutionary origin. Yeah, there's something that's released during a female orgasm that makes them feel more connected or something and men don't have it. Oh, interesting. It's the opposite of jizz right jizz is emotions that

we're giving to women right jizz is like yeah it's oh it's out of me now i feel nothing and you feel it because you have the jizz i give you the curse sex is transferring the curse i get to go be a monster again stop stop stop stop tinder tinder tinder now that i'm lighter from the ball sack up i can do whatever i want and you're weighted down by my liquid curse that'd be the funniest name for semen ever uh The curse. Yo, shit, man. I fucking cursed all over my bed. I had a wet dream and I ended up with the curse in my sheets. Jake, it's okay.

When you do curse in a sock, just let me know before I do the laundry. I'm cursed. I really am. I'm cursed of myself. Help. I think we helped this guy. By calling him a liar? And saying that if he wants to not be a fuck buddy,

just keep on being a fuck buddy and then somebody's going to get emotional about it. Yeah. Though it sounds like it might be you. So clearly this person's lying, but if someone's in this type of place where the guy wants to get more serious and the girl just wants to be

fuck buddies uh keep it going try to increase the rate or the frequency of it and by proxy by default you guys will somehow become closer emotionally that's science that's science that's science bitch magnets uh all right cool good question good question that's a good answer actually oh my god in terms of how would you score that jump out your window what do it you really want me to yeah i bet if i did it you'd be like pissed nope i bet you'd be sad no i think you'd regret it yeah right maybe not today you know what would happen if you if you jumped out the window you went into a coma you woke up nine months later you said who came to visit me i would not be on the list of people i promise shit bullshit you would you'd feel bad oh you're laughing you're smiling but there's tears rolling down your eyes other people guilt you into it

that is the saddest truth you wouldn't want to but that's just sad thing rose you would make you feel bad enough that you'd like just squeeze a visit on a Thursday afternoon or some shit. You would. All right. Here's something I remember. Remember before we started the podcast, you said, maybe don't say what question number it is because we can just record a bunch of questions and pick and choose. Oh, choose the funniest ones. Yeah.

Did you ever do that? No, we never did it because we uh we ended up not wanting to edit at all right we decided not to edit the question yeah so if something turns out not funny it's still in the podcast yeah that's true i remember because it's a good decision that we should actually ultimately go back to for example this question which comes from question number blank two Two, three, or four. Comes from, let's call her Hannah. Hey, guys.

So I work at a hospital, and last week I took care of a really hot patient. All the other nurses were saying how attractive he was and joking that we would make a cute couple. It was inappropriate at the time, so I didn't do anything about it. But now that he's out of the hospital, I'm trying to decide if i should reach out to him on a scale of one to ten how creepy would it be if i were to friend him on facebook thanks for your help love hannah this is so like it's so funny that the emails we get from guys versus girls the ones we get from guys are like hey i've asked this girl out three times i really want to fucking do it again but i don't know like she's like busted and like should i still go for it?

Yeah, this chick goes out with my friend, but I'm sort of into her. Should I ask her out? What are you talking about? And then this. From a girl. The most romantic thing happened to her. She took care of a really hot patient. They had this emotional connection, and she's still unsure as to whether or not it would be too creepy to facebook him something out of the movies or porn it's so awesomely hot this is

like the dream have you seen the english patient or the porno version or uh christine oh shit what is her name christina rose and pov fantasy number eight maybe pov POV Ralph Fiennes. Yeah, shit. Dude, just ask. Yes. You should have asked him out while he was in the hospital. If I ever went to the hospital, my one hope, because whatever circumstances you're there under, they obviously suck. Yeah. You have an attractive nurse, and then she asks you on a date when you're better.

That's awesome. Yeah. If anything, you should have done it while he was pumped out on that med. Yeah, that's medicine. That sweet, sweet medicine. That medicine. You're his medicine. Yeah.

Yeah. You need three CCs of you. He needs an IV drip and those are your initials, I think. I wonder if you can stop that. What? The voice. All right. Cool. we're having fun I wonder if you can never do the voice again What could I do

To ensure that that never has to happen You're doing it I think You're shaming me away from it You're dangling the carrot of courage Away from me ever wanting me to do that again Great great great great great uh uh this guy uh all of his limbs amputated by the way this girl's such a good person that she just fell in love with his personality and she did it would it be creepy is it ever creepy to friend someone on facebook

isn't friending someone so passive that like how creepy can it be like you just you can refuse that i guess it's not creepy but it is blatantly flirty, especially in this situation. It's always flirty to add someone on Facebook. Right. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But I think that's, I guess like the creepy isn't the right word that she used. I mean, she should be like, should I be embarrassed to flirt with him this hard? And she shouldn't be embarrassed to flirt with him this hard. Do you ever friend people on Facebook or are you a, one of those people that are like, if they friend me, like if you got along, if you met a lady and you got along with her very well, would you friend her or would you wait

to see if she friended you? I actually, I never friend anybody. Anybody? No. Well, maybe, I think I friended, the last person I friended was a dude. Nick Rad, you my man. I have like guy crushes and I'll like add them on Facebook.

Right. Cause it's like a chill move. But I feel like girl, like girls are so girl. The weirdest thing is like trying to like become new friends with guys. You're like, all right, man.

Yeah. Let's chill. I like have your numbers. I want to like text you and hang out. I did it to Kevin Barnett and I did it to Nick Rad. It was like, oh man, I really hope I like get to hang out with these dudes again. How do I get your number, man?

How do I, if I wanted to hang out with you or contact you? The least cool I ever am is when I'm trying to hang out with a guy. Because you don't know whether, like, are you flirting? I don't know how to be smooth. Yeah, it is. It's some weird version of flirting. Not gay. Not gay. You're my boy gay you're my boy you're my boy dude not in a gay way i'd hook up with you only if it helped us get chicks or if you wanted

to and i thought like i look up to you so i'll pretty much do whatever you want but i think that like uh facebook friending people is so passive that i always let a girl do it because then it's like that's like what girl that's what they have, you know? So guys flirt with girls, and if he succeeds, then they get the Facebook friend request. That might be it. Is that like the process? I guess. Well, I'm sure some guys like add girls as friends on Facebook.

Yeah. I don't know what the real process is. But I do think that like, I'm a shameless Facebook flirter. But I like that one initial um you need the you need the confidence of someone yeah it's a total confidence boost you get that friend request and then you initiate the like the messaging you know right yeah god wanna rush me my honestly this is why i'm a goddamn monster because just describing facebook flirting to you right now i just like my hand started tingling and I was like, yeah, I got excited. I got happy. Do you like that more than sex in some ways? Yes. You do.

In every way. You'd rather get a friend request from a girl you have a crush on than sleep with a girl that you sort of like. Yeah. Well, I don't know. i like doing both i would rather i would rather get a text from a girl that i'm really into than uh come inside her that same woman that same girl so the first i get more of a rush out of the text the highlight of your relationship with someone is before you sleep with them oh yeah oh yeah so if they knew if they really knew how to get you, they would just never, no, they would text you, but you wouldn't even never necessarily want to sleep with them. Yeah, but then I'd give up. I don't know. I mean, no, they have no hope.

I will lose you. You try to figure out some way to best me, and no. The thing is, there is no me, so you can't best this empty vessel. I guess I'm invincible. Believe me, I've tried. I'm not only invincible, I am invisible. I look in the mirror and see absolutely nothing. Invincible, invisible, and just small. And resistible.

I am gone. I am a ghost. I am no longer here. Emotionally, absolutely, abject vacancy. Just zero of me is still here. So, uh... Toda Rabah! Friend the Gimp on Facebook. I really think you should do it.

All right, we're talking about that. Yeah, friend him. I really hope you have already. Although, is there a time, like, if you meet a girl and flirt with her, is there, like, the longer she makes you wait, the more excited you'll be? Or like after like a certain amount of time, you'll stop giving a shit? I'll always be excited at any point. So whether it's the next morning or three weeks from then.

Yeah. I guess I'd probably be more excited a little later, but I wouldn't say that's like a deal breaker. You'd have written it off and then when it comes in, you're like, all right, awesome. But like then there's also that level of like like anticipation maybe he went home he's like i wonder if i'll get a facebook friend request and then he does and it's like yes i was right that's kind of cool too all right all right there you go there you have it all right let's uh switch gears to another guy question finally it's pretty great because it's uh as we as we suspected the complete

opposite of what we just read this one comes from a guy we'll call Ray. Ray writes, Hey, so me and this girl have had a thing going on for about a month and a half now, but the problem is that she is dating my best friend. They've been dating for two years, and I just realized her and I are great together. I know she likes me, and I like her a lot, so if you were me, would you back off and not mess with with this relationship or would you go for her and suffer the consequences i know the obvious choice would be the first one but i really like this girl plus she's a dime thanks i just love that he called her

a dime is she a dime she's a goddamn 10 cent piece i really had my mind made up until i heard that last that last that last piece of information right there. She's two nicks. She's 10 pennies, my friend. She's a goddamn dime. She's an FDR. An FDR.

Uh, you, I'm just like trying to dissect this question a little bit. One of them is, one of the things he said is he's had a thing going on, uh, with this girl for a month and a half. Yeah.

Which is, you know, six weeks. And then he said, I just realized a thing going on uh with this girl for a month and a half yeah which is you know six weeks sure and then he said i just realized i liked her yeah so you started fucking her six weeks ago without really caring that your best friend or maybe just friend yeah wait did he fuck her i mean he's like has a thing i don't know what else is there for her oh a thing for her i thought he said with her oh i i had and so me and this girl have had a thing going on for around a month yeah that's it that's fucking and she's dating my best friend so oh so they're like i think they're hooking up a thing going on they've been dating for two years now and i just realized her and i are great together so his best friend was dating a girl for two years still dating her and then he also don't

call it dating when it's two years. They're in a full-fledged relationship. Oh, that sounds so casual. Oh, they're dating. No, they go out with each other. They're boyfriend and girlfriend. Would you not know your best friend's girlfriend from two years? And he started hooking up with this random girl.

He's like, oh, you're the girl that he's been dating for two years? No, no, I'm saying he knew. So you're saying he knew. Yeah. I'm saying this jack-off knew his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. They'd been together for two years. Yeah. And then they started hooking up. Did it for six weeks, and then he realized, oh, I like her.

I'd like their relationship to end so I can date her. Right. That's what I'm saying. This is one of those things where if you guys end up married, then's like the most romantic funny story like how did your parents meet oh my mom was dating my dad's best friend and he broke him up well i guess true romance wins but uh if you don't then you're just an asshole who broke up his best friend and his girlfriend's relationship yeah it's like 40 years in the future when you've got like kids and they're having kids then it's like sort of cute that you guys had some kind of illicit affair.

But it's not that cute. And it's definitely not cute right now. So it does not sound like you like her that much. Well, she's a dime. She's a dime. She's a goddamn dime. I don't know. She likes her enough to compare her to the thinnest coin.

I really think you suck, man. I'm only saying it because I've been you. Yeah, I suck is what you mean. Yeah, we suck, me and you. This is coming off of a nurse who helped a hot guy. She's like, should I friend him on Facebook? I really feel creepy or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.

I get that. I actually feel creepy myself. My best friend and his girlfriend, I've been trying to break up the relationship for a month and a half she's a 10 cent piece just uh throwing that out there you gotta understand she's uh she's a dime she's a buck and a quarter if not a penny uh so i would say leave him alone or go for it seize the cheese or you do you he's already he's already messed this up there's nothing you can do now like you i guess jesus jesus jesus you you've ruined it you took your your curse and you've ruined

everything you've cursed their entire relationship i would say so do you meaning meaning you gotta seize that cheese okay you're just uh spouting out some sort of catchphrases i'm only talking to people who've been listening since the beginning here's the thing uh regardless of what you say what we say when you really like someone you'll do whatever right it doesn't matter what we say you're already do it you're already breaking up if you really i've never met someone who had such a crush on someone and they had such a crush on him, but they were like, this is a bad situation. Let's stop.

Love and feelings and emotion will always cause you to do bad things. Yeah, that's true. Nobody's mature enough to put the kibosh on something because it's a bad idea in the future. Which you're definitely not going to do, but let's at least see if you've got the courage to tell your friend what's going on. So go for it, but at least be open. Or let the

girl decide. Maybe it's her decision too. Make a mutual decision, but I think you guys should keep in mind that your friend has a right to know. The end. The end. That's our last question. That's our last episode. Thank you so much

to everyone who's listened to uh this entire show uh harry's that is uh that is really appreciate you sponsoring it's an honor it's a it's a uh it's a it's an honor it really is uh to have you uh promote and sponsor not only this last episode but the last thing i'll ever say good night everyone good night oh my god he did it he did it i didn't, everyone. Good night. Oh my god, he did it. He did it. I didn't think you'd have the cojones, but he did it. Alright, folks, this is just Jake coming at you, and

oh, I gotta call 911. I gotta clean this up. Oh, this is bad. This is bad for you, Hurwitz. They're not gonna believe you, man. Oh god, there's blood everywhere. I pray there's a bullet left in this gun here. All right, then.

There's one in the chamber, then. Oh, thank you, Harry. Click. Oh, God damn it. What sort of poetic irony is that? Now, for the prince around the gun. So, who's in there? Who's in there?

Oh, dear Lord, dear Lord. This turns into some sort of 1930s radio program. Who's in there? Who done in there, boss? Oh, you don't understand. I've been framed here. Oh, you gotta believe me. It's the case of the century, boys.

Yes, this one's a real deal, you little pickle. Horowitz v. Blumenfeld. Two Jews from Lower Manhattan. Two Jews. I say we kill them both. You're already dead. Yeah. Let's take an intermission.

Finally. From not only that weird little theater that we did, but from the show itself. We're at the half an hour mark. Yeah, we clearly need that break. We don't have to be funny. Nope. We just have to be us.

Just us. You can turn your brain off. That's nice. You got your STD results back. Yeah, you guys can't see this, but Amir is massaging me right now. What happened? First of all, how did it work? You call?

Yeah, so I went in. Oh, I don't even think I talked about the process of going in, which was insanely easy. It was like a vending machine, right, where you stick your dick into the coin slot? I stuck one arm into a little slot and my dick into another. And a Mountain Dew came out. I think it was like STD test NY or something. I don't know. I Googled free STD testing New York.

That's what I did. Okay. And I went with the place that had like the highest reviews. Went. I waited literally like three minutes. Filled out some paperwork. Went right in. I got a shot. They drew some blood. I pissed into a little container and then i went away and it was incredibly easy

everybody should do it i can't believe i waited this long and then three days later i called back i said my name and i asked for my results uh-huh and they gave them to me shoot me straight i said you gotta just tell me like it is. Trust me. I'm a good man. I'm a big boy. I can handle this. Sir, I'm trying to tell you what they are. You're yelling at me.

Yeah, and I can handle whatever you got to say. I need to tell you. All right. Okay. Positive for syphilis. Positive for chlamydia. Positive for herpes. Positive.

No, no, no. All right. So, no. Actually, it was negative for everything. Totally. I'm somehow by some miraculous turn of events. Stroke of luck. I don't have any STDs.

So you could say you told me so. You were right all along and you've been doing everything the right way. I knew I was clean. I freaking knew it. No, I was kind of surprised because like when you're waiting, you just build it up in your head like, oh, I definitely have everything. I was sure that I had AIDS. But that's the first one they tell you. They're like negative for HIV, negative for gonorrhea, negative for syphilis, negative for herpes, negative for chlamydia. And I think that was all of them. You do have high cholesterol, though.

How do you know, man? The weird thing is, the weirdest thing was that, or not weird, I guess this is completely normal for me, but the girl at the STD clinic was, like, super cute. Oh. And I wanted to, like, and we, like, flirted a little bit when I was, like, getting my, filling out my form. And then I, like, had a nice little goodbye with her when I left. But I knew, like, you can't ask them out. Not until after the results.

What if you're like, oh yeah, let's go out sometime. She's like, totally, yeah. And then you call and she's like, actually, about that date, I don't want to see you. Since I'm so negative negative, I don't know. Why don't you tell me how positive you are that you'd go out with me? Actually, you do have syphilis.

Okay, I seem to have cut you off a little bit too early in the game. Yeah, I guess as long as I had something that was curable, I could have been like, all right, hey, tell you what, I'm going to go on some penicillin for a few weeks. I'm curable and you are sick curable. So please, let me take care of you, baby. You don't have to work in that STD clinic. Daddy got you right.

I'm going to take you away from here. I'm going to turn you into a real honest woman. You don't need to handle no man's pee anymore. What is anymore weird southern thing that we started doing i don't know how this happened oh i just hope it's not racist yeah i think it's not it's not unless you thought it was and then it's your racist for thinking there's so many movies with like racist people with southern accent that like any southern accent just sounds vaguely racist yeah that's not our fault no it's the south's fault yeah y'all shouldn't have fought on the wrong side of the civil war should you and not even you guys like you shouldn't have even grown up in a place that

fought on the wrong side of the civil war it's not on us your grandparents should have had the wherewithal to move at the very least maybe they did from new york to georgia at some point north of the mason dixon all right should we get to one last question? Let's try. This one comes from another lady, doodah. Doodah. Three ladies. Doodah day.

Oh, wait, no, this is the second lady. Yeah. All right, we'll call her Marnie. Marnie. Marnie. Come on, take the Marnie and run. Good morning, Vietnam. Good morning, good morning, good good morning what is that one it's a beatles song oh nice all right ready my boyfriend and i just broke up and

i have been pretty miserable and sad he cheated on me and broke my heart meanwhile my best friend slash roommate has just fallen in love with a rich good-looking and all-around great guy i know i should be happy for her but i can't help but just want to punch her in the face whenever she tells me how great everything is going. How do I tell her I don't want to hear about it until my heart has been mended? Thanks, Marnie. Yeah, your best friend has to understand the world's about you, right? Oh, my God.

The world revolves around you, Marnie. Oh, no. No. That's what you got out of that. i really think that's what she thinks yeah you think you feel so this is the world i'm gonna tell her i'm gonna tell her like it is yeah this is the world's smallest violin and i'm gonna break it up your goddamn skull okay is there an amount this girl could be rubbing it in for you to uh feel bad for her yeah i don't know that know. That's kind of tough, actually. Because, yeah, you know, you got your heart broken.

That sucks. You don't want to hear about somebody else's great life. Maybe she's talking about it too much. Because sometimes when things are really great, you do want to talk about it a lot. Yeah. It's tough. It's tough. I'm going to pass.

I don't give a shit enough about this question to justify it with an answer. We're going to pass on this question, give a shit enough about this question to justify it with an answer beyond. We're going to pass on this question, huh? Yes, yes, yes. Order, order in this courtroom. I won't have it. I won't hear it. I object. I object.

I think that you could probably tell her. I don't think you could be like, hey, I want to punch you in the face. Just shut up. Don't tell me anything. Maybe you should just do it. Yeah, you should just punch her. Just punch her. Just punch her. Yeah.

Just ask her to be sensitive. Just be like, I know I'm like super happy for you, but I'm like, I can't help feel sorry for myself every time I hear this stuff. Can you please just like, you know. Dial it down.

Like you're at a nine and I need you at a five. Right. I think there's a balance that you guys can find because you also, she's your friend. You have to be happy for her. Yeah.

And or, or, or you can say, hey, at least someone in my life is happy and that's considered a good thing for me. Like, yeah, I feel terrible about myself, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make myself feel bad when I hear about other people's love. Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I get jealous, angry, and enraged when someone else wins the lottery. You do.

Yeah, you get really mad. When any of our friends find success and make money doing something, you get really pissed. I feel nothing but greed and jealousy. Yeah, you ask for a cut. I've seen you hit up every single one of our friends who came into any money. I say, what's your salary? Can you imagine if it was 99% of that? Would you really be that pissed if you gave me 1% of that?

You would never miss a penny from a big jar of change, right? Yeah, it's a drop in the bucket. If everyone gave me 1% of their salary, I wouldn't have to work a goddamn day in my life. Nobody's given me money so far. A couple of people have beaten you up about it, right? Actually, everyone had. That's why I'm so poor. They all beat me up and take my money.

You've got the highest beat-up rate of anybody I've ever seen. What's the beat-up rate? How do you rate of anybody I've ever seen. What's the beat up rate? How do you quantify that? I don't know. People you approach over 100? Yeah, it's just like so I guess 8 out of 10 of your conversations end with somebody at least accosting you. So the ratio is people you approach that beat you up over how many people you approach total. Oh my God.

I'm going to beat you up right now. I just want to know if we're talking about ratios and shit're talking about ratios trying to make it math or trying to make it science yeah science bitch so uh i'm gonna i'm gonna take it one step uh in a different direction and say you you should evaluate what it says about yourself that uh hearing about someone that you your best friend gaining happiness makes you sad. I don't think that's fair. That is very fair. I actually don't think that's fair.

That should make you as happy as you trying to find true love. If you find true love and if someone else does, that should be the same thing for you if they're best friends. It's too the same. I just got my heart broken and my best friend just found love. That's a gut punch. If it's like, I just got my heart broken and my best friend just won the lottery. That's totally different. It's like, oh, I can be happy for you. You got like, or like got some kind of promotion at work. That's

something that you can like almost distract your broken heart from. So if I, if you lost your job today and you're depressed and I got cast on a TV show, would that make you extra depressed? Yes, of course. Or would you be happy for me? I would be, there'd be part of me that would be happy for you. But if like, if I got, I guess that's like even, if I got cast on a TV show, what the fuck? Am I fired? If I got fired and you got a big promotion, I would be like pretty sad. That would, that's not, that would hurt my feelings.

I'd be upset. There's no, it would be very hard for me to be totally happy for you. To be disconnected from those two things. You could do that? Not only could I, but I would. I would feel nothing. It wouldn't even make me sad to be fired, knowing that you got a promotion. I would step down today if they would just agree to a

promotion with you. I don't know if I would do... I don't know if I would agree to that, the stepping down thing. I quit if Amir can have all my salary. That's what I would do. So yeah, try to, if you want to let her know, do it so, try to let her know that you're sensitive about this kind of stuff. Or you can try to find happiness in it. That's what I say. I say let her happiness be your happiness

and don't be Make it so it makes you less upset Right and I would say That Of course you're going to be upset I would never tell you how to feel I would never tell you to be happy You're beautiful

I think that's irresponsible of someone to do I think it's irresponsible for somebody to say Try to be happy You know what? Feel your broken heart. That's fine. That's beautiful. But you know what?

If your friend's making you feel like garbage, you just have to tell her in an honest, perfect, beautiful way that she's got to dial it down. If I could just get in there, I would never say there's an honest, perfect, beautiful way. I would also never say,

oh, you got to be happy. I don't sound like that. I would say what you're doing is, your advice is bad and mine is good. So I would follow my advice over yours. If I could just jump in here. Sure. I think your advice is it's unattainable. Yeah.

Oh, it's idealistic. You're trying to ask somebody not to feel emotions that they're going to feel naturally. Right. So I'm saying here's a way you can deal with these emotions. And you're saying, don't feel the emotions. No, no, no, no. What I'm saying. Do you see how this is like, sort of, sort of like an impossible thing to achieve? No, I think for you, it is impossible because you're not even willing to work on it. You're saying, okay, don't change. Don't try to become a better person. And I'm saying maybe deep down inside, there is somebody who can attain the impossible. Can I, I hate to cut you off, but I'm going to

jump in here. I feel like you do get off the cutting off. I feel like you do like cutting me off. You're getting combative. You're very combative. I don't think that I am. If I am, please let me know and I will totally back off. I appreciate that. I really do.

It's not a problem. We're stabbing each other. You are just pressing down on my foot so hard bones are breaking. And I get that. I really do. And look, I appreciate that. I'm not going to tell you to be any different than how you are. But not being different than how you are sort of leads people to never grow emotionally, if that makes sense.

I wouldn't ask you to do that either. I'm not saying you're a bad person because I don't think you know any better, and that's okay. I feel like I'm blaming your ignorance, not your lack of smarts. I don't know if I'm using too big of words because your vocabulary is so limited, but if I keep talking in this cadence,

you'll eventually understand me. So patronizing. Patronizing. Patronizing. Patronizing. How dare you. How dare you do you. All right. I'm tired as shit.

Yeah, me too. Let's call it a day. Let's go to bed. Good night, everyone. It's 2.15 in the afternoon. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I don't know what to say.

The first theme song, did we mention, was by a band called Dude on Dude? I don't know. Okay. The first theme song was from a band called Dude on Dude. Dude on Dude. We're accepting theme song submissions. If you think you could do better than that, or at least as good as that, please email us in. If you're in a sticky situation, a difficult place in your life, please email us in.

If you just have advice for us, or a compliment or a feedback, constructive criticism, we don't need to hear the constructive criticism. Obviously, we've attained greatness, but the compliments would feel nice. Please email us in. And that email address is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Thank you guys very much. That first one, first theme song, Whistle from called dude on dude and this next one was from a dude named dara connelly dara connelly and dare i say dare i say it is quite a good theme song submission i do declare you suck man sorry i thought we were uh i thought we were riffing about Southern... Dare I say? Yeah. Just play the song.

All right. Thanks for listening, everyone. What? If you're in a sticky situation And you need a friendly recommendation Email ifhouryoush show me at gmail.com Get help from Jake and Amir Things will all become so very clear