Segments - 230: Pride

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

In this here episode we discuss ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, and foliage. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, FrameBridge, and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They're dope They give advice And jokes And they will try To fix you Yeah What? It's Coldplay, dude You know Coldplay's playing tonight at the Rose Bowl?

What are we doing here? We're recording a podcast. Oh. All right. That was by Tony Patti. Tony Patti says that's a parody of a Coldplay song. Very well. Obviously.

Don't have any other music to promote, but if you can shout out r slash Jake and Amir, that's our subreddit. What? And fuckmefinally.com, which is his attempt at a If I Were You transcription website that he built. So this guy made this song, which is great. This guy has it all. He's completely selfless.

All of his self-promotion is just us. He's helpful, and then he's also good at singing and I guess songwriting. And dancing, I assume. I assume Tony Patty can make a song and a dance out of it. I don't want to make any money off the transcription site. It's just something I started to try to help fans

find your bits. That's really cool. So, toe-toe to Tony. Would you say Tony can stop all that bullshit now? Like he got what he wanted? His little fucking shout out? Well, the transcription site sounds like an ongoing project, so you probably wouldn't want to alienate him in any way.

All right. But I feel like it's on autopilot at this point. Tony got his little... Is it? Tony got his heroes talking about him for a couple seconds. Oh, jeez. Here we go, Tony. Here we go.

Are you happy? They say don't meet your heroes. Also, don't listen to them. Also, don't meet me specifically. You can meet your heroes. Just don't meet me. Amir's a monster. Sunday Night Sesh, recording this.

Gonna turn it around, upload it right away, because you've been all over the place. I've been jet setting a little bit. I haven't seen you in a week. Yeah. Did you miss me? I missed you. I missed you.

Now I gotta kiss you. Get away from me, man. Hey. He's Frenching me. You just need the top of my lip. You need my lip into my teeth. You ass. It was hot.

God. Oh, yeah. Nantucket and then New York for a wedding? Yeah. Jesus. Which part was better? Obviously, you have to rank them. Oh, interesting.

I guess Nantucket is like, it's seven days worth of like festivities and relax relaxation and family time yeah i think it's just like all of like the enjoyment of a week-long vacation condensed into one night oh because you were like i'm i'm having reserved relaxed quiet family time and now it's time with my friends, and I'm going to fucking go all out. The wedding is like, or the, being in Nantucket is like smoking a joint. Oh, that's really cool. You just settle in and you chill. That's really cool.

And being at the wedding is like taking Molly. Molly. Just off the fucking walls. I love everybody. Love's in the air. What's another example of a drug that I do? Wedding's cocaine. Yeah.

I tried heroin yesterday. Right, that I do. Wedding's cocaine. Yeah. I tried heroin yesterday. Right, that's wedding. That's very wedding. Actually, that's more Nantucket. I was arrested. Okay, that's totally wedding. And then you were hungover, threw up on an airplane again. Yeah, I've got to get out of the habit of vomiting

on... This time I threw up in the family bathroom at JFK. Vomiting on an airplane seems nearly impossible. The lavatories are so small. Oh, it sucks. You have to straddle the mini truck. Yeah, you can't get on your knees. You wouldn't want to get down on your knees in there anyway,

but you really have to just sort of crouch and just aim. Oh, man, yeah like crouch and just aim. Oh, man. Yeah. Crouch and aim. Crouch and pray because your eyes are shut involuntarily. And then you sort of angle your mouth towards the toilet, but who knows? You flush the toilet, then you open the door, and there's a little line there. And do you give, you're like, your eyes are watering, and do you give like the whole like, hey.

Like crying. Yeah. I usually just like head down, walk back to my seat. But sometimes I walk out, and I'm like, who's next? That's really awesome. You know, like whatever. Yeah. Like, hey, send a Jack and Coke to my seat, sweetheart.

I need a little hair of the dog. Yeah, and it's 7 a.m., and they don't have that stuff yet. And then I slap a flight attendant's ass what do you say punches me in the gut why he's like don't talk to me like yeah because it's illegal for you to say that shit and to talk to him like that and to slap him like yeah to slap him on the ass i don't even know if it's like totally illegal or if it's just like right it's not like assault well it is assault so you don't you didn't hurt him you just made him feel sexually uncomfortable sexual assault

yeah sexual assault definitely legal all right cool glad we got to the bottom of that i'm not allowed to fly anymore uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake I actually had a pretty chill week, too. Thank you for asking. I was going to save it for after the break. Well, forget about it, because I actually haven't done shit. So maybe we should just gloss over it. Did you do anything interesting?

Did I do anything interesting? You tell me. I can't. No, of course obviously you said you tell me like you're you were just showing me a tattoo on your stomach when in fact i just i sort of hurt my back did you hurt your back i like i i have a i have what appears to be like some sort of bruised back for no for seemingly no reason other than old age. The long nights, dude. How late did you stay out last night?

Forget about it, dude. 3 a.m.? 3 a.m.? 4 a.m.? Up, up, up. One? Yeah, sorry. Yeah, less than four. I should have said down.

Four was too late. Did you get late night food or did you get late night sex? Nice, dude. You got to choose one. I got these cracked pepper baked lentil chips. And I went to, not town, because I always said I want to overdo it, even though I was drunk. You did fuck the shit out of the bag. Yeah, I'll fuck a bag.

I fucked the bag. All right, these are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names. Spent all week searching for the best four questions we can find. Appreciate that, because I was nary in the shape to hunt for questions. You were gone. Although, don't weddings end early? Like, weddings end earlier than nights out.

Well, the wedding ended at midnight, but they had shuttle buses that took everybody from the Botanical Garden, where it was, to Tortilla Flats in the West Village, where there was just like, you know, they had rented the entire bar. Oh, I see. So it was like a night out in New York in addition to a wedding. And we stayed out until five. And also like Dave and Jeff and Mikey were there. The boys.

And Sarah Schneider was there. The girls. You know,ider was there. The girls. It was a great time. It ended 18 hours ago. 5 a.m. You say 5 a.m. this morning, basically. Yeah. I went back to Mike and Sarah's apartment.

We were going to have a nightcap or something. At 6 a.m.? I think we walked in at 4.30 or 5. As soon as I got there, I was like 6am? I think we walked in at like 4.30 or 5. As soon as I got there, I was like, what? No. And then when was your flight? Until 3. Oh, okay. That's pretty solid.

I slept till noon. Woke up, wanted to die. Here I am, still do. I actually feel better, but I still hate myself. Let's see if you can, at the very least, answer some questions with me. So, oh, no. This is a guy's name.

I'm a boy. He's a high school boy. What about one of your high school boys that were at the wedding? Yeah, yeah. We'll only do high school boys for the wedding. I'm going to omit the Twinnovation boys because that's... They already get enough dap. Yeah.

I'll do Eddie Gaga. All right. Eddie Gaga writes, hey guys, I'm a boy in high school and I have a little dilemma. I broke up with my girlfriend the other day and she really hasn't been taking it well. She has been texting me daily, refusing to let our relationship go. We made a plan when we were still together that I would go visit her cottage with her family. Now, four days after we broke up, she's bringing it up again? To make matters worse and to make me feel much more guilty, her super nice mom is willing to pay for my bus down there. They're not an ideal financial situation, so this is a decently big offer. Anyway, what should I do? If I went with her,

I'm sure she would end up making moves on me or making me feel bad for breaking up with her. Is it impolite to just say no to her parents up i i'm sure that she'll make me feel guilty or make move yes of course what's the what other what what's like the other option is just like pretending you guys are together for another weekend where she but then she would make moves yeah she's either angry or you guys pretend you're together again like she doesn't have some ulterior motive that he doesn't know he He's like, I think there's something a little more than meets the eye about this invite. I hate to read

between the lines here, but it seems like she's still into it. She clearly, clearly is trying to get... I mean, don't do that. That's crazy. Right. And what's making her consider it is that it was a super nice offer. Not that it was a lot of money, but that they're not in a great financial place so that the offer, relatively speaking, was a very nice one.

Yeah. And now he's like... You want them to go broke a little bit? Yeah. To be polite. I feel bad. They don't have a lot of money. So this offer is a great one.

Yeah, I feel guilty enough to actually make them spend the little money they have. Yeah, actually the sentimental value is through the roof. I feel bad not cashing it in. I have been in this situation. I've gone on vacations with exes before. Gone on vacations with exes? Where did you go with your ex? There, I think there was like, there was definitely like more, there was like one relationship

I was in where we were like constantly kind of like together and breaking up. Yeah, in and out. Yeah. They call it the hamburger relationship. You know what? Full disclosure, I think I've done this in at least three of my relationships. Okay, so you're not, you're not outing anyone. So, yeah, and it's never ever been like a good thing.

And that's why I'm not judging you completely, Eddie Gaga, but... He's also young. He's in high school. Oh, yeah. I mean, I did this when I was in high school for sure. So I'm telling you as a 31-year-old, who's probably done it as recently as five years ago. Five minutes ago. Don't do it. Nantucket was that, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was on vacation with three of my exes, actually. It was with your parents after you emancipated yourself. They still wanted you to go. Yeah. Because they love me or some shit. Anyway, what should I do? Don't go. Don't hang out with your exes.

There's only one reason people still hang out, and that's because they're probably still interested in you. I think there's a misconception. It's easy to misconstrue this, that hanging out with your ex and giving them time and all that stuff is something nice because they're so sad. And kind of the one thing that can make them happy is spending more time with you. Right. But the truth is, the hard truth is that once you've decided to break up with someone, the nicest thing you can do is... Disappear.

Stay broken up. Yeah, just be broken up. And make, yeah. So you tell her, I really want to do the nice thing. And then she's like, great. So we leave in two days and the bus ticket is X, Y, and Z to the cottage. Of course. Well, tell your parents I'm not going to just take a bus. I'd like to fly private.

And if they don't want to foot that bill, then it's not really a nice offer. It is a cottage after all. What is a cottage? all what is a cottage uh is it a house yeah it's probably maybe like like a quaint house like a country house so a cottage is just a type of house i guess so yeah there's a cottage style okay so there can be a cottage style house in la uh yeah for sure So that's just the type of architecture. I guess so, yeah. And cottage cheese is... Is also...

Yeah. It's just... I was going to say not... Yeah, it's not a house that looks like... Or it's not cheese made out of... I feel like you shouldn't have to have gone on this journey. Got it. No, yeah.

We shouldn't even be talking about it. You can't make a house out of cottage cheese. Like, it's just the word cottage. Now I see where your brain has been this entire time. And it is a stinky, stinky room. Walls are curdling. There's dripping dairy and curds from the ceiling. I didn't realize it was a cheese house.

You should check it out. All right. Here's another question about exes and breaking up. That's kind of the other side of things so i thought we should pair it up i love it this is a girl writing oh great let's sorry a chick okay a dame come on a bird let's do the bride herself christine wow as we called her in high school x team very nice and was she a beautiful bride? She was a beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous. I've seen some really nasty little brides, and I've mentioned it.

Yeah, during the wedding. I've said, you're a... If anybody has a reason these two should not be wed, yeah, because she's a butt-ugly bride. She makes an ugly bride. And it's not that I don't like the dress and the makeup because like i actually think that helps a lot of people it's one day that everyone deserves to feel beautiful and you are so for the wedding hashtag i think we should change it to ugly bride it already is ugly bride well then then we're all on the same page. All right, this lady, Christine, writes,

My ex and I broke up about six months ago. As breakups go, it was pretty mutual, and we were both on the same page. We decided to stay friends, which I had no real hope for, assuming it's just something you say to make yourself feel better during the breakup. However, in the past six months, he's been chatting to me pretty frequently.

The conversations are usually initiated by him, especially in the beginning. We stay away from personal stuff, but the conversations are definitely longer and more frequent than would be expected among exes. Now, I've been out of town for the better part of the six months for work and travel and whatever, and I know he's casually seeing this other girl, which I'm more or less okay with, because I've kept pretty busy myself, if you know what I mean. However, that's right. However, I know that this girl has to leave town about the same time that I'll be coming back permanently. I would be lying if I said I didn't still have at least mixed feelings for him. We dated for a long time, and there was a lot of good in our relationship. Does the fact that he keeps talking to me mean that he might have feelings for

me too? Or does he just actually want to be friends and likes me as a friend but has no romantic or sexual interest in me at all? Was the girl he was with just a casual rebound? I can't imagine she would be okay knowing how frequently we've been talking, but that's just an assumption. I don't know. I don't know. Am I reading too much into this? Am I, or am I just, is he just being friendly?

Is he being normal and I'm being insane? Is he sending me signals in any way? Or am I just taking this way too far? Help. Love, Christine. She did go a little insane towards the end of the email. I don't know. I don't know. Help! Furious.

Oh, I should say that this was typewritten and faxed to us. Oh, right. I totally forgot we had a fax. Yeah, you guys. So the email for the show is ifiroushow at gmail.com and if you want to fax us, it's just 212-555-8788. Yeah, so we probably check our faxes more infrequently for

sure because be sure you send a cover page we're out of toner is all so we're out of toner and then fax paper but this is the last one that came in do you remember your first experience with a fax yeah it was like before the internet it was amazing it still is kind of fucking crazy to me right but now with email like email is also crazy but like the fact that you send images and it prints out of my fax i think that's pretty fucking crazy i guess everything is crazy oh yeah life uh so have you ever experienced this fuzzy post six months still talking mixed feelings about the other person i'm really like a cut and run type of dude you know yeah when it's over it's over yeah yeah i've never i've never hooked up with an ex-girlfriend right i mean i've like

gotten broken up and gotten back together with what I'm like some of my earliest girlfriends, but in my, in my mature life, I've. I don't see someone texting. If this is the girl listening, I don't see someone texting you and it being completely innocuous, him not wanting to hook up in any way. Yeah, for sure. It's charged. It's loaded. There are underlying feelings. There is tension there. Yeah. there yeah and also uh i can sense that you're not entirely okay with his new relationship because you said which i'm more or less okay with and then you also said is she just a casual rebound

like how would we know that you just want her to be a casual rebound so that you feel better so that you can hook up with this guy a little bit more guilt-free right i think what's happening okay with it i suppose what's happening in my humble opine is that this guy this guy's sort of doing what i would do which is i'm not gonna make any moves i'm just gonna constantly make myself aware oh i'm texting you hey how's it going oh i doing this. I'm making myself available to you. Making her aware. So that she can fire the bullet. She can make the move, but he's not going to do it.

Because he doesn't want to feel guilty about cheating on this casual maybe thing. Right. But when in fact, whether you cheated on her because you did it or because you put yourself in a situation, the ends don't don't justify the means if you if you cheated on your lady it doesn't matter if you went out actively

and pursued it or if you put yourself in a situation where you got drunk next to an ex-girlfriend and one thing led to another i guess that's a little bit easier to explain to her maybe that's what he wants to do maybe yeah it's like she's like so it happen? Well, we just met up and we got drunk and mistakes happened rather than like, so how did it happen? Well, I've actively been pursuing her and I asked her out several times and she eventually came. But I mean, all that other stuff, it does come to light in a really bad way because she's like, why would you get together with your ex? Like, oh, well, we've kept in touch. Let me see your messages. Oh, my God, you talk to her all the time you know like i said before break up break up you know breaking up

is hard to do but it's necessary to do so don't do what she did don't say what she said. Oh, I meant said. Sorry about your friend. Oh, puking again. Hold on. Related? Any relation to the rap? Specific questions she asked.

Does the fact that he keeps talking to me mean that he might have feelings for me too? Yes. Yes. Does he actually just want to be friends probably not uh was the girl that he was with just a casual rebound no she meant a lot to him and still does uh i can't imagine she would be happy knowing this sounds like a threat now that i'm reading it again i can't imagine she would be happy knowing how frequently we've been talking. Brian. Yeah, this girl is still like lording something over his new girlfriend's head right now.

You think there's like some... You just need to stop thinking about your ex. If you stop thinking about him, then all of his reaching out and who he's dating and what he's thinking, then you can actually move on. She hasn't moved on. She's still thinking about him all the time. She's obsessing over this dude that she broke up with six months ago.

Yeah. So live your life. Or just get back together with him. No, no, no. Am I reading into this too much? No, probably not. Well, she's not like saying, reading into it. she's reading into an

appropriate amount well i yeah sure i guess to interpret that way you're correct so i'll just say make a decision either go for it or not don't live in this gray area that's what the gray area is what keeps you up at night the gray area is when you're like tossing and turning you don't know what you want you don't know what he wants you don't know if he wants what you want be honest with yourself first and foremost and then you can be honest with him but first you have to figure out what you want right uh all right those are my the two ex-boyfriend girlfriend questions uh let's take a break and we'll be back with more questions after this quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. What's up, what's up? I posted, or I should say we posted, well, the HeadGum YouTube posted our London live show,

which was set to pictures of our London live show taken by Tom Corbishley. Tom, the man. A kind of a fun slideshow retrospective way to listen to a bonus episode that you might not have listened to yet. Relive the night. So that's at youtube.com slash headgum. While you're there, subscribe to our channel

because we're going to be posting videos from now on, you know, just every once in a while. We bought lights for the studio. We recorded the Bo Burnham episode. We're starting to record other episodes. So all those videos for everything are at HeadGum's YouTube channel. We're also traveling very soon. Are you okay with that?

Actually, not very soon. So I think there's a chance you might stay in Los Angeles for the next couple weeks. Unless you have trips I don't even know about. I'm going to Utah on September 5th. That's close. That's at least, yeah, it's only one time zone away. But our next big trip is to Toronto at the end of September. Yeah. So get your tickets at ifireeshow.com.

And then on October, we're going to Minneapolis, Chicago, and Detroit. Toronto, Minneapolis, Chicago, and Detroit. Those are some fun cities. Those are cold cities, but fortunately, we're going in warm weather times. Yeah. Will the leaves have started to change by then? I'm going to email the mayor of Detroit and ask him. You can just Google it.

What's that? Never mind. Google the mayor of Detroit and ask him. You just Google it. What's that? Never mind. Google the mayor's email address. Detroit mayor email. Didn't we tweet it at Comptroller one time? No, we tried to get the mayor of Austin on Josh Rubin's live podcast. I was talking when we were trying to name our LLC Trustfall and my dad said that we needed somebody's

office to sign off on it. But it was going to take us six weeks. Oh, we had to email the comptroller. Comptroller. Comptroller. Oh, man. That's good. Should we make a parody about it?

Oh, my God. I think we should. What is a comptroller? That's so weird. what is a comptroller that's so weird the definition of comptroller is a controller really so i'll go out on a limb and say comptroller not a necessary word you just added the letter p and it means what it meant without the P. Comptroller. That's like saying a treep. What does it mean? It's a tree. A comptroller.

Comptroller. I love it. I love it. We should do it, dude. We should do it, man. We don't do parodies anymore. We haven't written a parody song in a while. That's what we got the YouTube channel for, man. Oh, we could do a full music video.

A full comptroller parody. That would be a little off-brand, but not terribly so. Anything else we should mention? What happened? You already talked about your vacation. You already talked about your week. Well, you didn't really. Yeah, but it was fine.

Yeah, I guess nothing really happened. I did get new shoes. I guess that was a highlight. Worked a lot in this office. Shoes are good. Yeah, shoes are right. Shoes are tight. I'm going to hold off saying what they are.

Hopefully they'll send me 50 pairs if we decide that we can mention it on the show. That's a good idea. And then. You work out this week? You're exercising? Yeah, yeah. You're doing your body right? I've been trying to climb and eat better since returning from our European adventure.

That's great. Yeah. That's good stuff. What about you? Nantucket's always pretty healthy because it's all family cooked meals. Right. I'm working out with my bro. You do look a little hog fat, I was going to say.

Yeah. What did you gain? 40? 45 pounds it looks like? I gained 48 pounds what were you before an intake it i was around 160 now i'm just i'm just above 200 and that was in six days yeah which is pretty a lot of it does honestly look like hog fat yeah yeah i was like wow i am a swine man yeah you you it's it's insane to see somebody put on so much hog fat in less than a week. It's true. Because it's been six days.

Yeah, I'm a pig. Yeah. And your skin is starting to turn a little pink and rubbery hairy. I actually have a curly little tail on my ass. Yeah, let me see that. Yeah, here. Do you want me to wiggle? Yeah, you can flick it.

There it is. Okay. So you are just turning into a swine. Okay. All right. Shit, he's full pig. Do you want to try to answer a few more questions? Yeah.

Do you want to answer one about grandmas or one about blowjobs? Why don't we do grandma first and then blowjobs? Actually, it's the same question. You're getting me in the mood. Sorry, it's the same question. Alright, this is a guy. Yeah, I was going to say. Actually, it's the same question. Grandma's going to get me in the mood. Sorry, it's the same question. Awesome.

All right. This is a guy. This is a guy. Took big ton tie. I go on to talk to Tang. The groom himself, John. Put your hands together for John. You know, John was such a classic groom. I told him that he looked exactly like the groom from the top of the wedding cake.

Oh, that's funny. And he said, you know, you're the third person that said that to me. And I was like, then I think it's definitely true. What, he just had a nice classic all-American look? Yeah, he's just an all-American dude with a great head of jet black hair. Yeah. And a cummerbund. John, no H or H? Oh, H.

Oh, yeah. He is a classic man. He's got some new age fuck face, John. Like Gabrus or some shit. He's a Harvard man. All right. John writes, hey, guys, love the podcast. Let's start this email with a description of my situation.

My grandma lives with my mom, my dad, and I, and she's super nice and laid back. She always knows how to get what she wants. My grandma would convince my parents to bring her places super far when we could have spent time and gas doing more important things. She has a laptop that she uses just to go on news sites and listens to classical music very loudly. This laptop is way faster than mine and runs the computer games on hers way faster. My cousin dropped by and brought this amazing PC that can run my games amazingly, but she claimed the computer first. Now she has two computers and brags about it to me while I play games that load as slow as two dead snails

fucking on top of shit that smells like air conditioner. That's shit that the air conditioner is emitting. She also took the printer that she never uses. So my question is, how do I at least get one of these things, if possible? I would like the PC, but anything would be great at this point. Thanks again for your advice, Joe, and sorry for the longest email ever rewritten. Good news, buddy. When Grandma dies, you're going to get all of it.

You're going to get the laptop. You're going to get the PC. She has a laptop and a freaking PC. And a printer that she doesn't use. She has a compact Presario and a 5-in-1 workstation. She doesn't know how to scan. She doesn't know how to fax. It is quite charming that she listens to classical music and browses the news.

Yeah. that she listens to classical music and browses the news. Yeah, and I also like the idea of a grandma that sort of trolls her little shit of her grandson. I claim this computer! Oh, I can have it, right? I'm old and frail. And then she looks at the sun and winks at him. You fucking loser. You little pissant.

How are the games going? Grandma's going to fart on your head. I don't know what it's like to have a child, let alone your child as a child. Oh, man. Like, imagine being, I've never even been proud. I really have never been proud. Jesus. When would I have ever been proud?

When would I have felt pride of myself? When do I feel pride to me? What makes me proud? Because I hear parents all the time being like, my child is proud, or I'm proud of my child. I have a proud son. He is prideful, and I am proud of his pride. I am proud of his pride. I am proud of his pride.

We're the prouds. So what the fuck do I, when would I feel pride? What's an example of me feeling pride? Like when we finished the Jake and Amir web series, did you feel pride? But that's me. I'm proud of me. I am proud of me. I'm proud of me. You mean like you never feel proud of somebody else?

Right, yeah. You never, when your brother got married, you didn't feel proud of him? Does it work if somebody's older than you? Can you feel proud of your dad? Yes. When have you felt proud of your daddy? Of my dad? Never.

But you can. I feel proud of your daddy? Of my dad? Never. But you can. I feel proud of my mom all the time. Yeah. Now that I'm thinking about it, it makes even less sense. Like, what does it mean? Are you just happy for them? Well, you're, like, proud isn't like a condescending feeling. Yeah, pride is like...

Joy? Yeah, you're, I mean, I don't know what the actual dictionary definition of pride is oh it's just ride yeah it's pride without the P again and you can only have it of younger people holy shit you have to be smaller than them if you want to feel pride to them

joy in somebody else's success a feeling of deep pleasure derived from one's own achievements wait own achievements I guess that's pride uh the achievements or or the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated there you go so you feel pleasure based on somebody else deep pleasure it has to be deep yeah a deep deep pride anyway i guess how did you even get onto pride? Because this question had nothing to do with pride.

It's just like, my grandma has two computers. It made me think about how I can't understand what it's like to have a grandchild. Because I don't even understand what it's like to have a son. Let alone my son make a son. Anyway, this girl's son made a son and now she's fucking trolling him. Which I assume is how I would react, but I don't know. Maybe this grandma isn't proud enough of her boy. Maybe grandma doesn't even know how bad you want the computer.

The question is, how does he get at least one of these things? He wants the laptop, he wants the PC. I mean, she doesn't have like a fucking workstation does she doesn't it seem like if she's on her laptop you could say hey grandma can i play computer games no i'm on the pc i have a plan your laptop no because i'm emailing too i need my pc i'm setting up a freaking land party but i don't want to slow shit down when I'm on the news. So I need the laptop. I need the PC. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I think you could probably just ask her. Yeah. What about asking your parents? That way it's like, oh, mommy and daddy said that I get to use the PC actually. And you actually live with them, so they make the rules, grandma. I feel like we're both their kids in some fucking weird way sorry it's like you're my older sister and uh yeah what they say goes their their house their rules as long as we're under their roof give me your fucking laptop

i don't get old hag i don't i don't think of age difference as like a positive or not. Magnus, we're both equidistant from my parents, and we both have to listen to them based on that age difference. Can I use your printer? First and foremost, I'd like to print a banner. Let me print a fucking banner, Grandma. Get off me. You're hurting me, Grandma. All right, get off me. You're hurting me, Grandma.

All right, I'm afraid you'll have to talk to her. Yeah. Ugh, the worst. God. Talk to your grandmother. Ugh. All right, last question. About blowjobs.

About the blowjays. This one's interesting. Ready? Oh, one last guy's name. Frankie. Frankie writes, i got an issue that i would like the solution to as opposed to the other kind where you don't care about the solution right definitely not a deal breaker but my fiancee doesn't like to swallow so as you can imagine blow jobs aren't a regular occurrence or really doesn't happen at all outside of foreplay she

wasn't very experienced in that area when we started dating she's gotten better but i'd still love a surprise bj to completion every now and then we've openly talked about the subject in my fantasy of roadhead she just has an aversion to swallowing how do i change her mind so that i can seize the cheese uh frankie why do you care if she's swallowed isn't that an interesting thing the did she swallow thing yeah i remember that used to be a real big uh question we would ask in high school yeah like it's as far as your job the blow job is complete and then it's like, but where does she put the semen? Did she spit it out or did she swallow the semen? Like, as far as your dick is concerned, the blowjob is over.

Yeah. I mean, it seems like this is two different issues. One is blowjob to completion and the other is swallowing. Right. I mean, it's a fetish, I guess. Like, some people think swallowing is hot so like oh like yeah i guess i'm yeah i mean you can't really that's that's a huge ask that's the biggest that's the most sexual thing i'm not even sure i think swallowing is hot anymore because then it's like because then it's like i wouldn't do that it's a little this

like hey i didn't ask you to do that that probably tasted really bad you didn't have to do that and then it's like empty calories you know so it's like why don't we just eat have rice cakes or some shit afterwards and then there's the uh like i don't know yeah it is a little i don't know maybe it's like an age thing as we grow older it becomes less and less sexy but it is like the stigma or stereotype around swallowing is that it's hot yeah like you ask and then the the bragging thing is saying yeah she swallowed right which is so weird i i don't i don't get it really but can you ask somebody to swallow no don't do that but i mean you could maybe say that, like, I think it's really hot when people do and then see if that, like, influences them to give it a shot. But I think it doesn't matter.

Like, if you really want to blowjob to completion, there's no rule that says she has to swallow your cum. That is the ultimate completion. So, like, if she runs to the bathroom and then i get to watch you shit it out later incomplete she did not make a full football motion i am not counting that let's go to the replay yeah she drooled it it is an incomplete stash um she's gotten better but i'd love a surprise bj to completion every now and then. I mean, that's a real issue. You know, like people, I think, who stay in long relationships sometimes will tend to have less oral sex, you know, going both ways.

Right, because once you have sex, it feels like blowjob is a step back in a way. Like it's in the bases, blowjob isn't a home run. Well, yeah, I guess it's like, you know, when you're in a relationship, who has the time? Let's just get to the point. Let's get to the part where both of us are happy. But I think you could, aside from the discussion, which it sounds like you guys have already had,

you should just start Surprise going down on her every once in a while. You reintroduce oral sex into your relationship the way that you know how. And then she will likely step up and, you know, match your efforts. This guy said there's no way in hell I'd ever go down on my fiance. It's gross down there. That's classic and i want her to swallow the cloudy juice that comes out of my cock she has to taste it oh imagine that yeah it's not yeah i mean it's not appealing but i you like the way a vagina tastes

that's true so there you go that's just try to picture that. I wonder what the percentage, there's probably no census or statistics or average on this of swallow versus spit, but it's got to be like, what would you guess? 20% over under? 20% swallow? Swallow. Yeah, I guess 20% or 25%.

That's awesome. Let me, again, email the mayor of Detroit. Sure. Do you remember the first question we had? Or should I just go straight into the good stuff yeah just this one just the uh it was something how many loads foliage foliage oh yeah as a ps afterwards so i'll be like when do the leaves turn autumnal orange or yellow yeah when does the sky catch fire in your fair city? P.S. Of all the loads

that hit a throat, how many slide all the way down? What does your wife do? Oh, P.P.S. If you have an Airbnb in the Detroit area, I'd love to get some recommendations about that. Of course.

Perfect. Alright, cool. Of course. Perfect. All right. Cool. The end. Those are the four questions. Much like Passover, the four questions are over. Ma nishtana ha-la. Jake is the youngest child, so it is at the end of every episode, Jake sings the four questions from the Passover story.

If you have your own questions, your own theme song, your own anything, the email address for all of that is ifireashow at gmail.com The opening one was written by Tony Patti, and this closing one is really sweet. It's written and performed by Abby and

Steph. Thanks, Abby and Steph, and thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon enough. Soon enough. Soon enough. I'm a tin There's this girl who's a fan I She's really kinda dumb But that beauty's so divine Been talking quite a bit

I'm boned a couple times But I'm a tin addict Can't get it off my mind So should I just keep swiping Make this dumb hole mine Oh, did I mention I'm boned since the first one time Dear, if I were you, sure I'm boned, I sensed it just one time.

Dear, if I were you, sure, I'm in a sticky situation. I've written you this email that's in need of some attention. I'm off to college in the fall. I can't make up my mind. If I should keep my boyfriend, please help me to decide. I guess he's got some good points, big dick for a start. But will he stay faithful or go and break my heart? Then there's the college guys, I think they'd see me right. Maybe his dick's not that big, could try fresh ones one night.

Then there's option C, he'd never have to know. What I do when I'm away or who the hell I bone Dear if I were you, show I'm in a sticky situation I've written you this email that's in need of some attention That was a HeadGum Podcast.